Danger: Diversion

The end?

2010-02-11T22:20:00.005-05:00

If you've noticed, I haven't posted since returning to school. Unfortunately, this semester has brought with it creative outlets that aren't this blog. That's great news for me, but shitty news for you. Shitty news because you won't see much going on here. I'm officially making bad on my promise to turn my unproductive blogging habits around. I'm quitting while I'm far behind, which is so much more satisfying that quitting while you're ahead. I won't take down the site, because my second post was that good, because Danger: Diversion is a sweet ass domain, and because "you never know". I'd say check back every couple months; there might be a little suttin suttin waiting. Thanks for sticking with it while it lasted. Really though, it was fun wandering aimlessly along the dangerous road to diversion with you.

I've said this so many times, and this will be the last, but you'll find a committed blogger who is actually good at what he does here. Click on his ads. He didn't ask me to do this.
*しゃしんのクレジット

Billions and billions of specks

2010-01-17T18:40:00.003-05:00

Heading back to school tomorrow. Calling Carl Sagan to help me pack:

Some times

2010-01-02T01:05:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, you see a friend.
Sometimes, you go to a museum because they have stuff to look at.
Sometimes, contemporary art makes you thirsty (first for water, then for booze).
Sometimes, you pick a restaurant and hope the waitress thinks you're cute enough for the drink menu.
Sometimes, she thinks so.
Sometimes, it happens to be the last ten minutes of happy hour and drinks are half price.
Sometimes, when drinks are half price, you can get two, which is enough (you'll see).
Sometimes, the night draws to an end and it's time to head home.
Sometimes, you feel a little drunk.
Sometimes, you are a little drunk.
Sometimes, you are a lot.
Sometimes, especially when you're a lot drunk, the subway comes sooner than you expected.
Sometimes, the guy sitting across from you is a little creepy, and you get sick of looking at the floor, so you close your eyes.
Bad idea.
Sometimes, when you would normally wake up and get off at the right station, you don't.
Sometimes, you keep sleeping for another ten stops.
Sometimes, you wake up at Kings Highway (deep) and you're the only one in the subway car.
Sometimes, you're still drunk so it doesn't matter one bit.
Sometimes, running for the train on the other platform gives you a rush of adrenaline.
Sometimes, missing that train lets you enjoy the rush, outside and alone, on the most comfortable wooden bench you've sat in.
Sometimes, riding home from the other direction brings new perspective.
Sometimes, the only other person on the train is this guy:

Sometimes, he's the best company you could ask for.

A new decade. Good luck.

Jason Nelson is interesting

2009-12-27T16:21:00.002-05:00

I'm working on a 2009 gift guide. It's taking longer than expected. Explore this site while you wait. Operative word: explore. Lot's of hidden goodies and oddities.

Yet another thing I wish I could do: Beat boxing

2009-12-24T23:07:00.005-05:00

I spent a good chunk of day brooding over my skill set. When my spotlight of focus dwindled over the 'vocal-related talents' section of my life, well...there wasn't much to shine a light on. If you saw Ice, Ice, Baby Revisited (below), you already know that god decided singing would not be my calling, and that good looks and charm would have to pull me through these next fifty years or so (by 70, I hope to live someplace where I need no skills and can have them replaced by trustworthy servants who don't resent me because I make them laugh). The point is I can't sing, or hum for that matter. In fact, my friends would probably rather have me scratch the plastic wrap on a brand new dvd than have me hum the tune to, say, the theme from Beverly Hills Cop.

Anyway, as a non-singer, I can say my biggest musical fantasy would be to one day discover I've got the chops of Andrea Bocelli, but sadly this is impossible for obvious reasons involving the laws of physical development and aging. The next best thing, then, would be to fill a non-singing role for one of Bocelli's European tours, i.e. be his personal beat boxer. I browsed the youtubes for a while, gathering tips on circular breathing and proper mouth shape, but finally, as is true with so so many other endeavors, I realized I had no shot and gave up. Such is life.

All is not lost, though. I did find this neat clip that should motivate the aspiring bb'ers (<--just made that up). All I ask is that you pocket dial me in concert when you hit the big time.

Oh, and Merry Christmas!

No airbending necessary

2009-12-20T00:44:00.002-05:00

About to go spend some quality time with the sibs, so I'll make this quick. Go see 'Avatar'. It's everything you want for the holidays and more. The photo below is intended to appeal to your deep set love for mech-warriors with bad ass gun-blade-combo-weapons and your deep set hate for any image that spoils a movie this good. Don't worry; nothing's spoiled.

Happy blizzard, and if you're traveling on the east coast tonight, be safe and try to enjoy driving slow (yes, even though it goes against your human nature).

My week, explained with simple logic

2009-12-15T12:44:00.009-05:00

---Danger: you will find bathroom talk below---

Universe of Discourse: {unrestricted}

Dx: x has diarrhea

Fx: x is a fart

Hx: x is diarrhea

Nx: x is funny

Px: x is a normal poop
Rx: x has a research paper due

Sx: x is stressed

m: Me (Ezra SG)

1. Rm ⊃ Sm

2. Sm ⊃ Dm

3. Rm

4. (∀x)(Fx ⊃ Nx)

5. (∀x)(Px ⊃ Nx)

6. (∀x)(Hx ⊃ ~Nx)*

----------------------------

7. ∴ Dm

And in English:
1. If I have a research paper, then I am stressed.
2. If I am stressed, then I have diarrhea.
3. I have a research paper.
4. All farts are funny.
5. All normal poops are funny.
6. No diarrheas are funny.*
---------------------
7. Therefore, I have diarrhea; it's not funny

*Talking about diarrhea - funny. Diarrhea itself - never funny.

As Far As the Eye can Pee from AnyaLogic

1000 is so much better than 999

2009-12-14T01:29:00.005-05:00

Took over a year, but we finally did it folks. I never thought I'd see the day. We just hit a thousand views if that wasn't clear from the title. Now, let's kick back and enjoy a good memory.

If you're bored, go here.

Copy, paste

2009-12-11T08:40:00.000-05:00

I had a huge paper due a while ago. I spent the whole night before partying and oh boy, what a party it was. I woke up the next day and thought, Oh no! What ever will I do? A brilliant idea struck me. Why don't I just copy a professional's work and hand that in? Foolproof. I google searched my topic, and clicked the first link. Wikipedia. Sweet. So much information, already organized by subtopic. Once the article was neatly pasted onto word, I went through and erased all the headings. My essay looked great, but something was missing. Right, my name. I handed it in later that day with a diabolical grin. A month past. After one class, my professor asked me to "hang around".

I was expelled for plagiarism.

-Excerpt from the pitch for the service featured in the facebook ad below.

P.S. Anyone else think his shirt straps have an odd width?

I'm Learning Japanese So I Can Congratulate These Guys

2009-12-06T11:54:00.005-05:00

The next two weeks are going to be hell. Between now and 13 days from now, I'll have written somewhere around 10,500 words, read over 300 pages, and sat for 5 hours of exams. Contrary to what you may believe, you should expect to see more posts as I strive to procrastinate "constructively". Also, it snowed, it's sunny, and I could spend the afternoon staring out my window, watching the powder fall off the needles of the evergreens. *Closing the blinds now*

Haiku Monday: Quark-Gluon Plasma

2009-11-24T01:38:00.004-05:00

Accelerate stuff;

Watch it collide at light speed.

That's how science works.

Photo Credit (Fermilab, near chicago): TheDreamSky

Thanks, Kate

2009-11-22T20:03:00.001-05:00

With no insurance, I didn't stand a chance against the tyranny of the mobile phone business. Screen cracks aren't covered by the manufacturer's warranty, after all, so when I walked into the busy Verizon wireless store, I didn't have high hopes. Kate didn't make me feel much better, either, when she told me there was nothing she could do, and that she could pretty much guarantee that even if I waited forty-five minutes to speak with a techie, he would tell me the same thing. So what was I supposed to do?

"Well," she said, "Let me take it into the back and see what I can do." You can laugh at me from behind the one way mirror is what you can do, I thought. I waited five minutes before Kate emerged from the back office and strolled across the store to another hidden nook. Another five minutes and she returned with a small, plain looking box.

You didn't have to give me a courtesy replacement, Kate. You could have shrugged your shoulders in helplessness and sold me a new phone. You could have left me bitter at the sound of 'Verizon', but instead you left me bewildered and disorientated, my faith in humanity invigorated. It's rare when that happens, so thanks. It sounds silly because it's just a phone, but your actions actually represent something far beyond my dependence on technology. As computers take over, I find solace in knowing that I can depend on other people, namely people like you, Kate.

So thanks.

Photo credit: psd

Stump

2009-11-21T18:14:00.006-05:00

If you're bored tonight, why not try a new game? It's social, easy to put together, and buckets-o-fun. This is a crash course in stump.

Things you'll need: stump, nails, hammer, booze, people
Preparation
1. Hammer a nail into the stump for each person playing - try to space them out.
2. Have everyone pick out a nail - make sure that two people don't pick the same nail.
3. Make sure everyone has a drink - preferably beer or something mixed.
Execution
1. Hammer passes clockwise around the room.
2. Each person (while still holding their drink) must toss the hammer, catch it, and hit the stump according to the complexity of his/her toss.
3. If your nail gets hit, drink (more if you really get walloped, less if you get glanced).
4. If there are sparks, everyone drinks.
5. If your nail gets buried, finish your drink - you lose. (If you shine a cell phone from one side of the nail and can see the light from the other side, the nail/person is still in.)
6. If you're the last one standing, celebrate - you win.
Toss Values (feel free to come up with house rules - these are what we use)
1 rotation - 1 swing
1 rotation under the leg - 2 swings
1 rotation behind the back - 3 swings
2 rotations - 4 swings
You probably won't see more than two rotations, but you can make up the rest as you go along.
Notes
1. It's more fun to blindly swing as hard as you can than to aim at individual nails. More sparks that way, too.
2. Find a sturdy hammer. We've broken or bent every one we've used so far.
3. Use good judgement regarding location - nobody want's a broken laptop.
4. Nobody wants a broken face either. Employ safety precautions (make sure everyone can toss the hammer straight upwards).
5. Have a good night and enjoy!

*Photo Credit: photohome_uk

I've got the shower.

2009-11-19T00:42:00.002-05:00

*dream about a meteor showering* *open eyes* *yawn* *stretch* *lie down* *close eyes* *feel sleep winning out* *will eyelids open* *kick legs out from covers* *slip into slippers* *socks over my socks* *pants, shirt, shirt, sweater, sweater, windbreaker, sneakers, hat* *orange juice* *trudge downstairs* *cold* *clear night* *no moon* *icy road* *leaves crunch* *look up* *THERE'S ONE (1)* *warm welcomes* *tired eyes* *blankets* *flashlights* *minivan* *sleep* *blankets* *flashlights on* *eyes adjust* *blankets down* *flashlights off* *darkness* *cozy up* *stare* *THERE (2)* *wonder* *OVER THERE (3)* *laugh* *LOOK (4)* *feel insignificant* *THIS IS AWESOME (5)* *discuss constellations* *THAT WAS BRIGHT (6)* *follow satellites across the dome of the sky* *SPACE IS COOL (7)* *(8)* *snacks* *(9)* *deep breath* *smell summer camp in the early morning* *(10)* *cold toes* *(11)* *clouds* *wind* *(12)* *feet frozen* *pack up* *minivan* *close eyes* *nod out* *unload* *trudge upstairs* *hat, sneakers, windbreaker, sweater, sweater, shirt, shirt, pants, socks, socks* *hop into bed* *tuck covers under sides (like a burrito)* *drift off with a grin* *worth it*

*Photo Credit: PMcK

Haiku Monday: Meteor Shower

2009-11-16T10:41:00.000-05:00

Meteors shower,
With astro-soap, space rain, and
Light years to air dry.

*Meteor shower courtesy of Corey Limmer, professional roommate.

This second wind's a nor'easter

2009-11-15T23:34:00.001-05:00

I've been looking forward to this moment for some time. I haven't posted to the blog with any semblance of consistency since August 22. Finally, finally, finally(!), the hiatus comes to an end. Good thing I left a key under the welcome mat. I've got some stories to tell, some websites to share, and some profound thoughts to recount. As the stories go, some happened a while ago, but I'll write about them like they just happened. Besides trying to write often, I'll be working on a new layout with a different host, but unfortunately you can only look forward to seeing it before it's ready.

I expect some well-founded skepticism about this sudden return from the heart-broken fans, but hopefully I can prove once again that Danger: Diversion is worth your daily/weekly/monthly visit. A big thanks to those of you who voiced your distress over the lack of posts; it made me feel great about myself.

*Octopus from MarkWallace

In case you thought I might be dead...

2009-11-01T22:07:00.005-05:00

I'm not dead. If over the past few weeks you've grown into a disappointed blog browser, know that I know I've got some reparations to pay.

Happy Halloween.

*Wittle witch from stevechasmar

One Sweet Pyramid

2009-10-07T20:30:00.000-04:00

Maybe you've been there. You start with a foundation of Sugar in the Raw, then add some Domino super structure, and climax with a crest of Sweet'n Low, only to see your sugar packet pyramid crash to the floor like ancient Egyptian ruins.

I know every time I've tried to build a pyramid out of sugar packets, it has ended like 'Pirates of the Caribbean 2,' leaving me tired, bored, and wondering what a sugar-covered Keira Knightley tastes like.

Then I saw it done. When Justine completed her tiered temple, our table clapped, and then the adjacent table, and then the table adjacent to them. Soon, everyone in the diner was either gazing in awe at her architecture, or continuing to quietly eat their breakfast, having not noticed the feat at all.

Once the meal arrived, we equipped our forks, knives, napkins and went to town on what turned out to be a delicious rebuttal to our previous night of drinking. My egg sandwich on a bagel with jalapeno jack cheese (mmmmm) was worth the wait, but this made it that much sweeter. And when Justine did eventually knock it down, I realized that a sugar-covered Keira Knightley probably tastes like a Sour-Patch Kid.

Haiku Monday: Screw-Phew

2009-09-30T12:07:00.002-04:00

A fallen screw is

Hard to find, like a needle

In a haystack. There! What luck.

But actually, it took me thirty minutes of searching the same six square feet to find the screw that fell from my glasses. Like when you forget your homework and give the teacher your spiel, but she doesn't believe a word of it, finding a tiny sucker like that screw brings the kind of relief you get when you discover the assignment in another folder. A boo-yah moment.

*Screw city by Pasukaru76

Morning Routine

2009-09-28T11:41:00.004-04:00

Three weeks into school and I'd say I've got it down. Wake up at eight when my roommate does. Groggily wish him good luck. Back to sleep. Wake up forty-five minutes later when my alarm goes off. Snooze it. Snooze it. Snooze it. Out of bed at nine.

Shower shoes on. Grab keys, soap, and shampoo. On the way to the bathroom, lock the door. Double check (we have a burgeoning collection of homies; losing them would be heart-breaking). In the bathroom: keys next to sink, hang towel, soap and shampoo on the shower-side counter, turn the knob 315 degrees counter-clockwise, use the toilet while the water gets hot. Enter shower. Black out for twenty minutes. Emerge, clean.

Dry off. In the room: undies, socks, pants, shoes, belt, shirt. I've got Time to kill. I don my dynamic-titanium super suit, custom designed by a freshman wizkid in the engineering school. Hop out the window, activate thrusters and take off. Coast.

Scanning the campus below, I see students rushing to class, some walking, others power walking, still more trotting, and the rest in full sprint. No Time in sight. I land by an old oak where a family of chipmunks scurries, collecting acorns for the coming cold. No Time at all. I notice an impatient classroom of students, packed up to go and anxiously waiting for their professor to finish her last thought. Where did Time go? I take off again, this time thrusting from rooftop to rooftop, noticing the effortless lifestyles of the pigeons eating yesterday's cornbread from a dumpster, pecking their lives away, when I see him.

I quickly change course, increasing my altitude dramatically. I calculate a strategic trajectory and adjust my body into a dive. The wind bites my face as I approach terminal velocity. I point my toes and prepare to land. I roll, springboarding my body into a flying kick. I land Time square in the 12 on his forehead. Taking advantage of the element of surprise, I follow up with an uppercut. But Time slows down. I can't reach him in time. He catches my fist with his seconds hand and in seconds (I know because I kept an eye on that hand) I find my body shattering through a brick wall. As I recover, Time flies.

I get to my feet, punch my thruster, but all I get is smoke and empty whirring sounds. I check my watch. Late for class. I race back to my room. Grab my books, throw them in my knapsack, zip up and hotfoot it to Barnum hall. Only five minutes late. What a routine.

P.S. Isn't it refreshing to read something that isn't a haiku?

P.P.S. The moral? Time flies when you're having fun.

*Pics from D'Arcy Norman and zappowbang

Haiku Monday: Ultimate Motivators

2009-09-21T22:34:00.003-04:00

During wars they fail,

But sometimes bloggers just need

An ultimatum.

*Ultimatum from hashc0de

Haiku Monday: CMD-Z can't undo tardiness

2009-09-08T00:01:00.001-04:00

This? A late Haiku.

Tuesday's post looks like Monday's.

Magic? Illusion.

*Cmd-z from mhpd

The week in pictures

2009-08-22T19:45:00.002-04:00

I won't be able to write anything today, so instead I offer you a gold mine of diversion. MSNBC has a continuing feature called The Week in Pictures, where they summarize the week in a series of photographs.

Check out a couple weeks worth, and I'm sure you'll bookmark this page. A lot of the pics evoke strong emotional responses, others are truly stunning. Best of all, they do offer a fairly comprehensive look at the week's news, which, if you're short on time, is quite a bit faster than reading a newspaper. Enjoy. (Warning: some of the photos feature graphic images. The site has done a pretty good job of flagging them, but I recommend approaching with caution anyway.)

Ten things that got left behind

2009-08-21T22:57:00.002-04:00

Home a day early from Cape Cod, I reflect on the things we left behind.

10. A television remote with a missing battery cover that only works when the batteries are spun while changing channels.

9. A baby dragonfly, stuck between two window panes, avoiding the sentinel spider guarding the only passage to freedom.

8. A plastic shovel, half-buried in sand, forgotten by an overweight child who accidentally ditched it after catching wind of plans to get ice cream after the beach.

7. A rare edition buffalo nickel, worth over fifty dollars, left in a bedside drawer where it was meant to be kept safe until the owner travelled home, and where it was kept safe long after that time passed.

6. A locked bicycle chain, attached to a public bike rack, with the only person knowing its combination long gone.

5. An empty bag of kettle cooked potato chips, apparently bobbing on the surface of a manmade lake, but actually caught on a log which is itself bobbing.

4. Fried clams, dropped underneath a picnic table, soon to be carried away by a band of ambitious ants.

3. A brochure for a $2.00 t-shirt outlet, thrown away out a car window on Route 6.

2. Half a jelly donut, resting on a display counter, stale and crusting from years exposed to the salty air of a bayside coffee shop.

1. The memories of a five year old boy, faded and replaced by action movies and special effects, to be restored fifteen years later on a family trip to the same locale.

Inspired, in part, by the This American Life episode, Plan B.

*Pictures by tipiro and moty66

High tide's a "beach"

2009-08-20T22:28:00.002-04:00

Sometimes you're at the beach, promoting your blog, when the ocean crashes your party and erases all your hard work.

'Twas all gone five minutes after that last picture was taken. Apparently, nature brakes for no one.