There is a lot to say about Daniel. He had a big personality and lived fully. One friend described him as the

“Engineer of the train they were all riding on.” He loved fully. As was previously mentioned there was always

someone he had a crush on beginning in nursery school at the age of two. He loved his friends and the

people he worked with and was interested in talking to everyone about pretty much everything.

He loved to talk about ideas, and history and politics and computers and people’s wishes for

themselves or difficulties in their lives. He had a strong sense of fairness and

care for those who were struggling, that could be seen even at a young age. I

picture Daniel as a young child of ten visiting a school for children with cerebral

palsy. For Daniel there was no difference. He made friends with children on the

floor and children on stretchers. As he grew older, he had other experiences with

children who had difficulties. He talked about one of them in his Bar Mitzvah

speech. He talked about the friendliness of this child and that it was sad that

other children gave him a hard time because of his learning issues. He also

talked about AIDS in his Bar Mitzvah speech and how horribly people with AIDS

were treated. That was in 1991 when many people were dying from AIDS. Daniel

talked to homeless people and to people that seemed on the sidelines. His

admiration for people was never because of their wealth or success but rather

because they worked at changing some of the harsh realities of this world. Daniel

was brave, but also smart in his interactions with people. He had a strong sense of

himself. At the age of three he asked two children on the street if he could join their

game. They said, “No.” He came home and told me they would have liked him

if they had known him.

Daniel could also be mischievous and as a teenager, probably got into more than

his share of activities that made me worry. He was not good at planning ahead.

He liked to push boundaries. He could get caught up in the excitement of an

idea. Daniel, in his early teens, was spending a lot of time online and met someone

who was hacking into computer systems. Though I don’t think they were friends for

very long, Daniel also became involved, and I think enjoyed the challenge and the

excitement. I received a phone call from the FBI letting me know this was happening

and looking for information about Daniel’s online “friend.” I may have blocked out the

rest of the story since that is all that I can remember.

Daniel was interested in everything. His mind was always active and he had

unusual and creative solutions for many of the life and work problems he faced.

The computer professor and others he worked with described

Daniel’s solutions for computer programming as brilliant and self created.

While he was very bright he also had to deal with some learning disabilities. Handwriting

and spelling were difficult but as his third-grade teacher said, he was the one that

could be counted on to understand the meaning of the stories they read aloud in

class. One example given by his first grade teacher was his ability to explain what it means that

it “All comes out in the wash.” In pre- school he and his friend Ilana discussed the different

meanings of a word. He loved language. He loved playing with it and adding previously

unrecognized verb tenses or seeing what a word meant without the prefix. He

loved learning new words and making up new words. Daniel loved stories in

every form. As a young child he would listen happily as his parents read long

stories, requesting that they be read over and over. His parents, at least his

mother, thought once was enough. He listened to stories on a record player and

as a grown-up sometimes listened to them on tape. He left for college with an audio tape of

“Huckleberry Finn” knowing that that would be read in the first semester. He loved plays and shows

and would often have many characters parts memorized. He said that he never

“read” a book and that may be true, but he loved listening to stories orally.

As an adult he quoted phrases and ideas he remembered from “Charlotte’s Web”

and “From the Mixed-Up Files…” He frequently said to me, “Are You My Mother?”,

also from one of his childhood stories. He understood and remembered everything

that he heard but found the reading process more difficult. That was hard for him and confusing

especially as a young child. He had been told by everyone how bright he was yet

he could see that others could finish their work more quickly and his work grades were

always marked down for spelling and punctuation errors.

Daniel’s first career was working in record promotion. At the age of 20 he was

offered a job in California working for a small record promotion company. The

company had met Daniel through his work at the radio station at Knox College.

Daniel moved to California to work for that company and then moved to other

record promotion companies where he had greater responsibilities. Daniel’s

personality was perfect for the work. His boss at Ultimatum said that there are

certain things you can teach someone but Daniel’s ability to interact with clients

was not something that could be taught. Daniel had an energy, warmth, sense

of humor, and understanding of peoples’ needs that brought him great success

in the music promotion industry.

Daniel’s next career was working as a computer programmer. He worked on a

program for children with autism. Originally, as a student at Temple University,

he worked as a volunteer, but after several months he was hired and soon

became a senior programming engineer. Along with

his programming work he became very involved in politics. He spent hundreds

of hours in both paid positions and volunteer positions for campaigns.

Daniel was not perfect. He could be stubborn and argumentative. On a weekend

trip to the shore with friends, after his graduation from high school, he filmed a

phone conversation with me (creating reality TV) and then afterwards turned to

the camera and talked about our relationship. He acknowledged that he had

difficulty accepting rules from me while growing up as well as accepting rules

from others in authority. Lastly I need to say that Daniel was funny. His

cousin said that it seemed like his comments at family dinners were almost

“scripted”.

I have written the stories in this book as a way of continuing to be Daniel’s

mother, as a way of honoring him and as a way of keeping his memory alive.

Daniel’s sense of humor and justice were special and if there are times that a

memory of him inspires someone to honor the humanity of the homeless or any

of the many groups that are struggling, then Daniel is here.

I especially miss Daniel’s advice. He was really good at helping me deal with

difficult situations. I miss his hugs and the great love he showed, and I miss that

things in my house used to work.

Losing your only child is a life changing experience that cannot be explained.

What was once a full rich life for me has been reduced in nearly every way. My

world is no longer the same.

Daniel’s experiences came to an end, but we know

where he was heading and what mattered to him. Daniel would be proud to

know how many people cared about him and I’m very thankful for people who

have continued to keep Daniel as a part of their lives.

Daniel was walking Webster in the garden that surrounded his apartment house.

A little girl of two or three was very excited to see Webster. Webster was also

very excited to see her and jumped up enough that the little girl became

frightened and started to cry. The mother picked up her child, smiled at Daniel and

told him not to worry. Daniel sat down on the pavement with Webster to show

the little girl that she didn’t need to be afraid, that Webster was gentle. Daniel stayed

there on the sidewalk petting Webster and talking to the little girl until she

became comfortable and slowly and cautiously got down from her mother’s

arms and came to join Daniel and Webster on the sidewalk. Soon the little girl

was laughing as Webster licked her hand. Daniel could have just apologized

and continued on his walk with Webster, leaving the little girl’s mother

to deal with her crying and scared daughter, he could have, but that would not

have been Daniel.

Daniel and I were on a subway train into Philadelphia. There was a homeless

man standing in the aisle holding onto several bags of belongings. Nearly everyone else in our car

was seated. The train came to a sudden stop and the man fell over losing hold of all of his

bags. All thepassengers remained seated, either not noticing or pretending not to

notice the man’s difficulty. With no hesitation, Daniel jumped up to help the man get up,

collect his bags and get safely off the train.

Daniel was in line behind an elderly woman at the check-out counter at a

pharmacy. He overheard the woman arguing with the pharmacist about the price

of the drug she needed. She ended up leaving without getting it. Daniel, not

wanting to embarrass her in the store, followed her out to the street. He stopped

her and said that he had overheard her conversation with the pharmacist and

knew how expensive drugs could be. He told her that he had just received a bonus

at work and would be happy to get the prescription for her. Daniel had

not received a bonus but wanted her to feel comfortable in accepting the.

One of Daniel’s greatest gifts was his ability to make people feel comfortable,

special, important and loved.

A man in his eighties walked by our house every day. He had been a professor of history at

St. Joseph’s University but had been retired for many years. Daniel always showed an interest

in him and addressed him as “Professor”. Now I do too.

Daniel called the car mechanic he used, “Doc.”

Two neighbors had cancer. Daniel did not avoid them but spoke to them

comfortably as he always had. He was also kind to the husbands after their

wives died. Since Daniel’s death I have seen how difficult it can be for someone to

address someone who has just lost an important person in their life.

Daniel had a special ability to feel empathy for people and I often saw how

his interest in them helped people to feel better about themselves.

I was just rereading Admiral McRaven’s book, “Make Your Bed – Little Things That can Change Your Life and Maybe the World”. I remembered how much Daniel and I had loved this story for all that it symbolizes. The story was originally told as part of a commencement speech that Daniel and I had listened to. After hearing the speech, Daniel sent me pictures of his made bed for days and asked me if I had made mine. The story could be interpreted as focusing on the small things or the wrong things but we looked at it as starting your day out “right” with an attempt from your waking moments to be intentional. Then, after you struggled with difficult situations throughout the day, you could feel good that you began the day with a commitment to purpose. When Daniel was invested in something he gave all that was possible, whether it was helping to install phones at the Academy of Natural Sciences when he was 13, or working at Structure and the Disney store and staying until the middle of the night to be sure the stock was ready for the next day when he was in high school, or building a radio audience for the bands he represented or working as a teacher’s assistant at Montgomery County College for computer classes and not always getting his work done so that he could be available to the students, or when planning data work for political campaigns or when helping to build a program for children with autism at Guiding Technologies. Attention to detail did not come naturally to Daniel but when it mattered, Daniel was focused, determined and intentional, with energy and commitment to change and fairness. He was also so much fun!

Friend, Radio Folk, Countrymen

-For the past 4 weeks I have been cavorting around Broward County Florida collecting: hanging chads, ineligible voters, dudes that look like Jeb (for my forthcoming website menwholooklikejebbush.com), and rigged electronic voting machines. Now with my unruly satchel of trouble stowed in my checked luggage, I am valiantly headed to cleanse these characters in the brownish and liberal waters of Schuylkill River back at UNCLE’s Philadelphia HQ. Wish me luck citizens. And should you need to reach me by any other means than Pony Express, the following should prove helpful:UNCLE Penn. Contact info:610 667 9438 Dan
484 431 4196 Cell610 667 9439 Pat215 828 7241 Cellwww.unclepromo.com

Daniel had a huge devotion and passion for those he loved whether it was a friend, a girlfriend or a four-footed friend. He loved having someone to take care of and he loved that Webster was so excited when he came home. Webster’s dog walker, Corrine, and I both thought that Webster should learn not to jump on people when they came to visit, but Daniel loved the warm welcome.  He frequently  described Webster as adorable, patient and hopeful.  The adorable part was always there once I got to know Webster. Daniel said Webster was patient because he would sit by the door with his leash on while Daniel made endless trips back to his bedroom to get forgotten items.  Daniel thought Webster was hopeful because every time Daniel got up from the sofa or chair Webster would run into the kitchen where his treat drawer was. If Daniel went to get something out of his jacket pocket Webster was sure they were going on a walk and went to the door.

 Every day I received  pictures or a video of Webster. One picture of Webster had been turned into a cartoon character.  The caption said, “Web Star” a comic book about a dog who solves crimes, eats treats and does have a drinking problem. I asked him if Webster had any other badges. He said he had earned a hydrant badge in addition to a badge for 5,000 daily face licks, a badge for having the most bedding in a single bed as organized by him and a badge for the most dreams about Greenies, only the large size.  Pretty much all pictures came with captions. Daniel’s sense of humor was constant. 

Daniel had a video camera set up so he could watch Webster on his phone when he was out.  Sometimes it was for the joy of looking at him, sometimes it was as proud father to share the joy of Webster with work friends and other people and sometimes it was just to be sure that Webster was okay.  Daniel had a huge collection of toys for Webster.  Webster had no interest in toys but Daniel kept trying to find one that would interest him. The car had a hammock and a seat belt.  In addition, Daniel had various holistic remedies to deal with Webster’s whining which usually occurred in the car. At Daniel’s apartment Webster had a cushion which Daniel called Webster’s safe space.  It was a place where he wouldn’t be bothered.  It was also where he took his Greenie, his favorite treat.  Daniel would give him the Greenie and say, “Take it to your house.” Knowing that Webster has been on the street, I thought the establishment of the safe space was particularly touching and typical of Daniel’s sensitivity to the feelings of others.  

  Webster had been terrified during the week or two that he had an ear and eye infection.  Daniel would hold Webster down while I tried to apply the medicine into Webster’s ear.  Webster would whimper and try to escape.  During those weeks he would often run away when he saw Daniel and me sitting on the floor.   Daniel, who was also very upset by this, would explain to Webster that we didn’t want to hurt him, that we were just doing it to make him feel better.  Daniel decided after that experience that he would take Webster to the vet each day to have them clean Webster’s ear if he developed another ear infection.   He didn’t want Webster to associate him with pain.

Daniel and I went on a two week vacation in October of 2018.  Webster had four trial visits with his dog walker, Corrine, before the trip plans were completed.  Daniel’s video camera was taken to Corrine’s so that we could watch Webster to be sure Webster would be comfortable and then we were free to finish planning our trip. In order to leave Webster for the two weeks, Daniel  carried numerous supplies to Corrine’s apartment along with pages of instructions to follow each day.  Corrine was charged with sending us pictures along with daily updates while we were gone.

 
There were a number of things that Webster did that we looked forward to.  He would have “crazy periods” when he would run around Daniel’s apartment getting off and on the different pieces of furniture and then crouching down before starting over again.  The day before Daniel died he texted me that Webster had done the funniest thing.  He said, “I’ll tell you about it tomorrow.”  I’ve wondered many times what that was but have thought that it may be the way he crouches down and then leaps forward on all four paws. The odd thing is that Webster didn’t bark at all the first six months Daniel had him.  Daniel was both shocked and proud when he first heard Webster’s bark.  Daniel believed that one day people would be able to understand what dogs were saying.

I was the proud grandmother of Webster.  Daniel’s apartment complex had two dog parks.  Webster had a number of dog friends.  I would ask Daniel about Webster’s play dates.  One day I took Webster out for a walk around the complex.  There are hundreds of dogs in the three buildings that share the area.  Several times when I ran into someone with a dog, I asked the owner if their dog was a friend of Webster’s. I told Daniel about it.  He said, “That’s kind of embarrassing”.  I said, “Are you saying don’t do it?”    Daniel said, “Yeah.  I think I’m saying don’t do it.  But, also, I think it’s a mom thing to do so you can.”

Daniel also used Webster as a bridge between us when he was frustrated with me.  He would send me an adorable picture of Webster saying that while he was angry with me, Webster wasn’t. He would also text and say such things as, “Thank you, Webster and I had a really fun day with you.”

Either Daniel was really lucky to end up with such an amazing dog, or his intuitiveness allowed him to recognize that Webster was “nothing but love and fur”. I know that I’m very fortunate to have Webster and take very seriously the responsibility for being the good grandmother that Daniel would have expected. 

  Daniel had high standards for unusual things.  He wanted to get a pillow that would help me with neck pain.  He ordered one that was filled with little bits of something that he had seriously researched on line.  The little bits could be taken out to make for a perfect pillow.  I was exhausted a long time before Daniel was, trying to get the pillow to be as comfortable as possible.  The truth is,  I thought it was comfortable no matter how much stuffing was in it.  He also bought a bamboo pillowcase that had been the subject of hours of research. Just before he died, he arranged with his organizer to spend time  helping me to make better use of my art space.  All of these things showed me at the time, and continue to remind me now, how much I was loved. 

       There are still two more love languages to look at in future entries but as we approach the one year anniversary of Daniel’s death, it would be great to think of some of Daniel’s most noteworthy traits: his inclusiveness, his concern for those who are struggling, his kindness and his generosity, and find a way to honor him. There are endless good deeds that need to be done in our world but several that come to mind are sharing food or money with a homeless person, making a donation to any cause that fights the hatred and bigotry we are now seeing, trying to become more environmentally conscious in whatever way works for you, or including someone in your conversation who seems to be feeling left out. This is a world much in need of good deeds.     

I have said in past blogs that I have tried to avoid being “the grieving mother” in these posts but as it nears this significant anniversary of  Daniel’s death I want to say that the love I had for Daniel is more than could possibly be imagined.  He was everything to me from the moment he was born.  Every day I light the candle beneath his pictures and hope that I have done something that day to honor his life.  

Wanted to take ballet lessons when he was young.

Loved the opera, “The Barber of Seville”.

Lived next to a train track with mile long trains that passed by frequently, in a house with no heat in Galesburg, Illinois. This was while trying to create his first and only CD.

Had a Van Gogh print, “Cafe Terrace at Night” hanging over his bed in his King of Prussia apartment. Loved looking at it from different angles.

Loved musical theater, especially “Rent” and “Fun Home”, but also knew the words to the musicals from my childhood, especially “Peter Pan” with Mary Martin.

Was the star of the Friends’ Central High School production of “The Caucasian Chalk Circle” when he was in 1st grade. We were told he was picked because he had an angelic look.

Lived in California, Illinois, and Florida in addition to Pennsylvania.

Named a star after his high school girlfriend for her birthday.

Was a photographer for the FCS middle school newspaper and had a film developing lab in his home bathroom.

Was very involved with the radio station in college which is how he ended up in the music industry.

Became a dive master when he lived in Florida.

Was on a traveling soccer team when he was young and wrestled in middle school.

Aaron Sorkin was his favorite director. His favorite scene may have been “America is not the greatest country anymore” from “The Newsroom.”

“West Wing” was his favorite show.

N.P.R. was his favorite radio station.

Loved learning about history, culture and politics.

Wrote poetry that often had to do with his relationships.

Was fascinated by words and language and liked playing around with how they were used.

Helped to set up the phone system at the Academy of Natural Sciences when he was around 13 years old. Then he rewired the phones in our house so I couldn’t use one after he was punished and lost the use of his phone.

Went to his first classical music concert when he had just turned two. It was a cellist at Curtis who was performing his graduate recital. At intermission he said, “I don’t think I can be quiet any longer”.

Was jealous that I had my picture taken with John Fetterman.

Loved the Philadelphia skyline. Commented on how beautiful it was each time he drove home from the airport.

Wanted to make a positive difference in the world.

His interest in planets and planes and everything that you see when looking up

began with the visit of Pope John Paul ll on Oct. 3rd, 1979. We lived

in the Art Museum area and the Pope was going to be speaking at Logan Circle in the center of Philadelphia.. There

were helicopters everywhere that attracted Daniel’s interest. He was 1 1/2 years old and

still in the stroller. For another year, as we walked all over the city from the river to the

Franklin Institute to the public library to the places where there were large machines excavating

and dumping dirt, the sky and tall machines and buildings were a topic of interest.

Please message me if you have anything to add to this list.

Daniel and I saw each other a lot, particularly when he lived with me and worked from home. When we were talking he was often checking his phone.  I frequently asked if he had heard what I had said and sometimes he had and sometimes he hadn’t.  He did have a time each night when he came into my room to talk.  He called it, “his bothering time ” because  I was often in the middle of reading or exhausted from the day and was often not interested in a long conversation.

After Daniel moved into his own apartment two years ago, we had a scheduled time to be together. Every Saturday, I took care of Webster while Daniel went to his trainer and then we spent the rest of the day at my house. Some of that time we spent walking Webster or playing with him.  There were also things that needed fixing or things that I needed help with. In addition to our Saturday time together, we messaged or spoke on the phone every day and sometimes visited during the week at his apartment.  Daniel enjoyed our phone calls.  I preferred messaging, given his fast talking and my poor hearing. 

While I often felt that I didn’t have his total attention when I talked, I never doubted his interest in how I felt about things that mattered.  He half listened to my talking about genealogy or  things I had done.   He was, however, totally focused and thoughtful in giving advice when I was struggling with how to handle something. Several years ago,  I started volunteering for a public school program in W. Philadelphia.  The program had two functions: to have volunteers build and maintain libraries and to have volunteers act as teachers to help students with academic work. While the program was mostly focused on the library, there were a number of us working in the classrooms who were really committed to the children and loved our work.  These programs had been going on for a number of years.  For some reason, the manager of the program along with the board decided to do away with the teaching part of the program.  Those of us who did that work were devastated.  Daniel and I talked about what I could say to the board. (During this discussion he was not distracted by his phone.)  Daniel had a wonderful understanding of how to talk to people, both when there were problems and when there were not, and he was able to have everyone come out feeling good about a decision that was made. I think he went into the music industry already being very good at this, but probably became better in the years that he worked with bands, agents, and record promotion companies. He had clearly thought out strategies which he at times verbalized, when I was struggling to come up with a solution to a problem. These strategies required intelligence, persuasiveness, enthusiasm and sensitivity to people’s needs.

 Daniel ended up writing most of the letter that I sent to the head of the Philadelphia program and to the Board.  Some days thereafter, I received an email from the director saying she had decided to keep the program, that she was not aware how much of a difference it had made to the classroom teachers, the volunteers and to the children.  She said she felt proud to have been part of developing such an appreciated program.  She used quotes in her letter, quotes that came from what Daniel had written. She specifically wrote to me thanking me for my letter and and referred to specific quotes that had been instrumental in changing her mind (All of those parts had been written by Daniel). So, while Daniel was not always 100% attentive in our conversations,  he was when I needed him to be.

 I don’t know that this idea is  talked about in The Five Languages of Love  but I would add that there are some situations that are really difficult to face alone.  Having your partner, or in my case, my son,, supporting you through the difficulties definitely makes you feel loved. Having Daniel in my life was a huge sense of security for me, which I think was a piece of feeling loved.  I knew that when I really needed him, he would be there, though he would most certainly be late.