The more I work with parents and children, the more I realize that much of the conflict they experience comes down to a matter of control. The older children get, the more control a parent exerts. It’s a battle of wills that invariably leads to a lose-lose outcome.

While a parent’s intent may be to provide security and safety for their children, a controlling parent stifles the sense of responsibility and maturity we wants kids to have. It prevents kids from developing an important life skill – making positive choices.

Of course the solution isn’t to turn over complete control to our children. There are obvious ramifications of this response too. Children need the guidance and mentorship of an adult.

So what is the balance between control and choice?

First, it’s important to understand that control and choice can’t be turned on in full force once you decide it’s time to release kids into adulthood, which is a common occurrence. Parents raise kids with strict control over their decisions and behavior, and then overnight expect them to be responsible adults when they become of legal age.

Control must be released over time and choices must be expanded over time, spanning from early childhood to high school age. Most parents operate in the opposite – granting more choices when kids are younger, and then reigning in choices during the teenage years.

It’s no wonder young adults are angry and resentful toward their parents! Their choices are being stripped away with each birthday.

No matter where you are in your parenting journey, you can offer your kids choices. If it’s something that you haven’t typically done, then ease them into it. The difference is like sipping from a refreshing water fountain and taking a swig from a high-pressure fire hose.

Here are a few tips for teaching kids the power of choice while releasing your parental control:

• Offer kids choices you can live with. Otherwise, you’ll run into kids picking the option they know you don’t like. Also consider whether you’re willing to let your kids live with the consequences of their choice.
• Give two choices, but also make sure kids understand there is a third, implied choice: you’ll decide.
• Consider your words. Instead of demanding, “You pick! You can do this or that. What do you want?” say, “Which do you prefer…?” The key is your delivery. Make sure kids feel like they truly have a choice, not just a decision between two negative alternatives.

Question: What are some of your concerns about granting kids more choices in their lives?

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“I wish my son would just take responsibility for his actions,” laments a mother of a 14-year old son.

I couldn’t help but wonder how much responsibility this boy was given when he was younger. You see, kids can’t learn what they haven’t already been given. So, if you want to teach your child responsibility, give him some.

But parents these days are protective. It’s so bad that the media and some experts have dubbed these hovering, in-their-child’s-faces parents “helicopter parents.” They pay such close attention to their child’s problems and experiences that they stifle the development of necessary life skills, like responsibility.

So while a helicopter parent has good intentions, the constant hovering and protection she offers does little to bolster her son’s ability to take responsibility for his actions.

Similarly, if you want your child to give you greater respect, you must offer it to him in turn. How many times have you spoken to your child with a tone of disrespect (veiled in parental authority)? I have. Sometimes our emotions get the best of us. We’re allowed occasional missteps. But if regular modus operandi is that of disrespect, then that’s what you will receive in turn.

Listening is another area where parents and children struggle. The principle holds true in this case as well: plant what you want to grow, or give what you want to receive. If you want your child to listen to you, then listen to her first. Plant the seeds of listening, then nurture the skills and watch it grow.

The essence of the “plant what you want to grow” principle is simple. Children, especially young children, learn through observation. Your words have value, but not as much value as your actions.

Your kids need to see what it means to take responsibility, have respect, and listen. Everyday your children are being exposed to lessons on these critical life skills, and a plethora of others – from friends, other adults, media, etc. Often the lessons being taught are in conflict. Here’s an example:

My friends want me to lie about where I’m going after school so I can hang out with them.

A young person with helicopter parents is ill equipped to make a positive choice in this situation because he has never been allowed to make a choice without his parents hovering over him. But a child who was given responsibility and allowed to make choices (even small ones) in the past has the life skills he needs to make a positive choice.

Will kids slip up? Will they lie to their parents so they can hang out with their friends? Definitely! They’re human, just like their parents. Mistakes come with the territory. But a child who is taught foundational life skills like responsibility, respect and listening, will overcome those mistakes and learn from them.

Today, consider what you want most from your children. Then plant the seeds.

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Traditions are the bedrock of many families. Rituals passed down from generation to generation offer the warmth, community and closeness children need to thrive as adults. The memories you create with your children today have a lasting impact on their lives tomorrow.

If you don’t already have family traditions, don’t worry. You can make them! They don’t have to be complicated, extravagant or costly. It can be simple as Family Movie Night on Fridays when everyone drags their bedding to the living room to watch DVDs all night long.

In an increasingly fragmented world, traditions are the glue that keep families, and the individuals that make up a family, together. Traditions help you feel whole, accepted and secure.

Not sure how to get started? Here are some simple ways to create memorable traditions in your family:

Make birthdays special
A mom once told me how, every year, she and her other children wake up in the wee hours of the morning to decorate the doorway of the birthday child’s room. When the birthday girl wakes up, she’s greeted with a playful, colorful celebration of streamers, balloons and handmade signs to begin her happy day.

Neighborhood potluck
In the Disney movie The Princess and the Frog, there is a scene where Tiana’s family comes together to make jambalaya and shares it with neighbors. You can do the same by deciding on a regular schedule – monthly, quarterly, etc. – and inviting friends, family and neighbors to your home for a theme-centric potluck.

Create a secret handshake
Kids (especially younger ones) love having a special way to connect with their parents. Why not create a special handshake that’s only shared between you and your kids. When you drop your kids off at school, you can say good-bye in a special way and preserve a memory they’ll keep with them all day long.

Annual Family Event
Whether you choose a camping trip or a summer kick-off BBQ, create a tradition about a specific event. Let your kids get involved in the planning from year to year and watch the memories develop.

What are some of your favorite family traditions? Please share them here and help inspire the ideas of others.

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Some define respect as being polite or having good manners. But the word has a much deeper meaning and value in today’s world.

Giving respect means treating others with honor and esteem. It also means showing consideration and appreciation. Respect is about valuing the worth of yourself, others and the world around you.

Most kids learn the basics of respect at an early age:

• Say “please” and “thank you”
• Share your toys
• Play nice at school
• Follow the rules
• Don’t make fun of others

Unfortunately, these basic tenants of respect have become cliché phrases that many kids know, but don’t always put into practice. Without practice, respect deteriorates. Young children who grow up without a foundation of respect can become school-age bullies. Worse, they become awful adults to work alongside in the professional world.

Teach you kids respect by following these steps:

Be supportive
Kids who are raised in a supportive, family environment have greater self-esteem and confidence. Having a strong sense of self-worth is a necessary building block for respect. Often, kids who aren’t supported at home mimic that behavior elsewhere and it manifests as “no respect.”

Model the way
Like most behavior, respect is learned through observation, experience and direct teaching. Kids who witness parents being rude to a waitress or cursing another driver from behind the wheel of a car are learning disrespect. Consider what your kids are learning through your actions and words.

Establish boundaries
We live in a civilized society because we have rules and boundaries. Talk to your kids about the your family rules – no foul language, no hitting, etc. Also establish boundaries so kids know what is expected of them, “You are free to play outside with your friends so long as you stay in the cul-de-sac and let me know before you go into their home.”

Minimize media noise
The media is filled with disrespectful messages today. From sexually demeaning music lyrics to off-color jokes on television, kids are exposed to a litany of negative influences through media. While it’s tough to protect kids 24/7, you can make them aware of what is acceptable and what it not by developing a standard of respect, “The character in this movie isn’t respecting his friends. That kind of behavior isn’t acceptable.”

Practice genuine respect
Please. Thank you. May I? Excuse me. I’m sorry. These are the “magic words” everyone is taught to use from an early age. But saying them doesn’t automatically translate to genuinely feeling the words. Teach your kids to say the words, but also talk about what it means to feel appreciation, sorrow, or the other feelings that go along with respecting others.

Question: I’m sure there are other ways to teach respect. What have you tried? Please share your experiences and ideas in the comments.

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Should I wait for dinner like Mom said or just eat this cupcake now?

Kids are faced with choices every day. As kids mature, their choices increase in number and complexity. Instead of deciding what to wear today, some kids are choosing whether to engage in drugs or sexual behavior.

Teaching kids how to make positive choices at an early age helps set them in the right direction. But learning how to make the right decisions takes confidence and mental maturity. Kids need a firm understanding (and acceptance) of who they are and the ability to process the consequences of their actions.

Here are some ideas to develop your child’s ability to make positive choices:

Give choice an opportunity to grow
Naturally, you want to protect your child and keep him safe – physically, emotionally and mentally. While your intent may good, controlling a child’s every decision actually hinders more than they helps. Give choice an opportunity to develop by letting your child make some decisions for himself. Having the freedom to make personal choices builds your child’s confidence.

Start slow and keep it simple
Sometimes having a choice is overwhelming, especially when there are too many of them! Gradually ease your child into the decision-making process by offering narrowing down the options at first: Would you rather wear your blue shirt today or the red one? As your child becomes comfortable making personal choices, allow them to make choices that affect the entire family: What do you think we should make for breakfast today?

Define “positive choice”
Talk to your child about what makes a positive choice, and then offer real-life situations that demonstrate positive choices in action. For example, you might describe a positive choice as a decision that follows the rules, helps others feel better and does more good than harm.

Listen and inquire first
Giving your kids the power to make positive choices begins with listening and asking questions. Instead of giving directions or making demands, work to understand your child’s perspective then ask questions to help them clarify their choice, “I understand that you were upset with your sister, so you hit her. How do you think she felt when that happened?” Listening and asking questions helps your child unravel the decision-making process.

Allow your child to fail
Often parents will reclaim control of their child’s choices as a way to protect them from failure. Mistakes are a natural part of life and are vital learning experiences at any age. Allowing your child to make decisions and stumble along the way teaches them how to handle mistakes in the future. If you’re constantly coming to the rescue your child’s sense of self-confidence and their ability to make positive choices diminishes.

Question: What other ideas do you have to help kids make more positive choices? Please share your thoughts in the comments.

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Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is a well-known resource for developing personal and professional leadership for adults. The book describes seven principles of effectiveness that contribute to greater success in life and in business. You may be familiar with them:

1. Be proactive
2. Begin with the end in mind
3. Put first things first
4. Think win-win
5. Seek first to understand, then be understood
6. Synergize
7. Sharpen the saw

The principles Covey teaches in his book are timeless. They work in most any situation and apply to everyone, regardless of age. Of course, trying to teach a child to “be proactive,” isn’t as easy as saying the words. The message may be the same, but the delivery must be different. Parents attempting to teach their kids these habits face confused looks from their kids.

Stephen Covey’s son, Sean Covey, helps resolve the communication gap with his 2008 book The 7 Habits of Happy Kids. Based on his father’s core principles, the children’s version offers an inviting, fun series of stories (one for each habit) just for kids. Translating the adult version for children means changing words, but maintaining the intent of the original seven habits:

1. You’re in charge
2. Have a plan
3. Work first, then play
4. Everyone can win
5. Listen before your talk
6. Together is better
7. Balance feels best

Children get to know the characters of a fictional world called Seven Oaks, where characters experience situations kids face like, how to manage boredom and differences in opinions. At the end of each story is a Parent’s Corner where Covey provides you with discussion points and suggestions for bringing the habits to life in a practical, real way.

Kids and parents alike will enjoy reading the book and applying its principles. I suggest using a story-a-week approach where you begin the week reading one story, then spend the rest of the week working to apply the core principle. Involve your kids and have fun with it. Chances are you’ll learn from it as well.

Question: Which of the Covey’s seven habits do you practice the most today? Which one do you think you should practice more often?

In my personal and professional life, I’ve been privileged to be mentored and to be a mentor to others. Those experiences have allowed me to see the characteristics that make mentoring relationships work. And by “work,” I mean the relationship holds benefits for the mentor and the mentee.

Here are the top 7 characteristics I’ve seen in great mentors:

1. Great mentors are credible.
Although a mentor isn’t meant to be your personal answer book, you do want a mentor who has achieved success in the area where you need support. Whether that success lies within a specific field of expertise or is based on a shared life experience, a great mentor has credibility to guide you in the best direction.

2. Great mentors have a positive point of view.
It’s tough to respect a person who is a bad role model. Great mentors are aware of their individual impact on others, or how their behavior and actions affect those around them. When a person is positive, objective and upbeat, it’s much easier to trust and learn from him.

3. Great mentors show genuine interest.
Let’s face it. It feels good to have someone take an interest in you, and great mentors know this. They don’t take on mentees out of obligation or responsibility, but because they genuinely want to help. It’s this level of passionate interest that drives the most successful mentoring partnerships.

4. Great mentors openly share what they know.
Storytelling has long been the way people have communicated through generations. It is through stories that mentors share their experiences, insights and knowledge. They freely offer their personal stories as a means for their mentees to develop their own.

5. Great mentors ask great questions.
Most would agree that open-ended questions are best. Instead of asking, “Did you have a good day?” a mentor will ask, “What was the most exciting about your day today?” Mentors look for more than the surface answers. Instead, they seek meaning, values and purpose in what you say because that’s where the catalyst a mentee’s success lies.

6. Great mentors offer fresh perspective.
Objective feedback is a key benefit of having a mentor. A great mentor offers a new spin on your old ideology because she doesn’t live it everyday like you do. She offers a distant clarity that you’re missing because you’re too close to a situation.

7. Great mentors listen empathically.
Listening is such an underutilized communication skill, but great mentors don’t take it for granted. Instead of leaping into problem solving, they listen – with their heart first, and then their mind. They know that problems are often resolved by the simple act of listening because ultimately mentoring isn’t about them having the answers. It’s about helping you discover your own.

What other characteristics have you seen in great mentors? Please share your thoughts and ideas in the comments.

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Mentoring a child isn’t about just leading the way. It’s about developing a child’s natural talents and abilities so she can become a mature, contributing and productive adult. It takes time to teach a child the life skills she needs to succeed, but will ultimately produce a confident, self-reliant child who is ready to take on the challenges awaiting her in today’s tumultuous world.

Here’s how to develop independence in your child:

Take baby steps. I’ve seen parents throw their kids in the deep end of the pool as a way to quickly teach them to swim. Of course, this approach may work for some, but generally, it’s not effective. When you’re mentoring a child, start small. Set initial expectations low and build from there. Small wins have a snowball effect, building momentum and growing through consistent forward action. Allow your child to experience the joy and satisfaction of success. Then, increase the challenge little by little, giving her room to grow and gain confidence.

Model the way. Kids learn by doing and observing. An effective way to teach a child a life skill is to model it in action, and then invite your child to participate. For example, literacy and communicating through writing are necessary skills for children and adults. For a child learning to read and write, you can spend time reading with or alongside her for 15 minutes every day. Another idea is to write your child a short note, help her read it and ask her to write a note back. The key is to model the way, teach the way, and then allow your child to get involved.

Balance freedom and floundering. When you’re mentoring a child, it’s hard to resist the urge to just do it for them. A child learning to tie his shoes seems to take forever manipulating the strings. You’re impatient and ready to walk out the door so you grab the shoestrings and quickly do the job. The shoes are tied, but your child is left feeling inadequate and frustrated. As a mentor and parent, it’s important to give children the freedom to make mistake and come up with their own solutions. At the same time, allowing them to flounder and struggle for too long can have a negative affect. Instead, look for the balance between freedom and floundering. It’s different for every child, so be aware and observe the shift in attitude and behavior as your child tries new and challenging skills.

What are some other ways you’ve cultivated independence in your child? I’d love to hear your thoughts, so please share in the comments below.

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As parents, you want the best for your children. So you do your best to help your kids navigate the world and encourage their success. Of course, everyone’s view of success is different.

For some parents, a son who brings home B grades is highly successful, while others see it as falling short. The way your child experiences success is largely dependent on whether they feel successful – right now.

For instance, if your son brings home a B-average grade report and you say, “This is good, but you can do better next time,” he may feel like he let you down and didn’t succeed. In some kids, who are motivated to please their parents, this may be the catalyst he needs to push harder and raise his grades. But for others, it may have the reverse affect, causing him to give up thinking, “What’s the use? I’ll never be able to make them happy.”

Ideally, you’ll foster a natural desire for success in your children and provide them with guidance to know when they are doing well and when they need to improve. Developing this natural desire happens through one key attitude: acceptance.

When you can accept your child, wherever he is right now, he will learn that success doesn’t come from external circumstances or forces. Instead, success comes from inner peace and self-confidence. Of course, this means you will likely re-evaluate your biases and opinions about what defines success for you and your children.

As you begin to explore a new definition of success, consider these ways you can begin to nurture their natural desire to succeed, on terms that increase their confidence and resilience – two necessary attributes in today’s frenzied world:

1. Celebrate your child’s accomplishments
There’s always a reason for celebration with children! Acknowledging their accomplishments in genuine, open, and fun ways help them feel successful. When you, or another significant person in their life, appreciate their unique talents, skills, and gifts their success barometer rises.

2. Accept your child as he is – today.
It is vital that you accept your child as who they are rather than who you want them to be. You want the best for your child, but don’t let that desire turn into disappointment when they fall short (in your opinion). Kids are tuned in and know immediately when they fall short of your expectations and this affects their motivation and self-esteem.

3. Give your child’s talent time to develop.
It’s hard to avoid comparing your child to other children. Comparison begins at infancy when the doctor gives you the weight and length of your new baby. It’s news that you publicly share. Friends and family say, “Oh, he’s so big and healthy!” But not all kids are born “big and healthy.” It takes time for some kids to develop physically, mentally and emotionally. Support and encourage your child at every level of their development and watch your child’s sense of success grow.

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The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines influence as:

The act or power of producing an effect without apparent exertion of force or direct exercise of command; corrupt interference with authority for personal gain; the power or capacity of causing an effect in indirect or intangible ways

Influence is an important word in today’s society. Daily, we influence others and are influenced by others. Influence comes from many sources: an advertisement on television promising you’ll be slim in 60 days or less; a boss encouraging you to stretch your workplace skills; a schoolyard bully taunting another child; a sweet-faced toddler pouting to get another piece of candy.

Influence is everywhere.

It’s hard enough for you, as an adult, to manage the influences in the world. Think about what it’s like for a young person who is ill equipped to manage the flood of influence bombarding him every day.

Rest assured. Influence can be good, and it can be bad. The challenge for kids comes in discerning between the two.

Parents and caregivers can help by teaching kids to develop their own influence, also known as their internal GPS. Influence is the component of your GPS that instructs your values and reminds you of basic principles like, “Be kind to others.”

Growing the influence component in your kids’ GPS system starts by:

• Developing a close connection with your children. Children who are close to their parents tend to be more grounded and secure in who they are, which enables them to be strong when negative influences comes their way.
• Encourage individuality. Everyone, adult or child, wants to fit it. Those who don’t have a healthy balance between acceptance and independence often suffer from negative influences. Teach your children to importance of being their own person and always doing what’s right for them.
• Support positive influencers. Be aware of who your children interact with, even from a very early age. Teach them to seek out positive qualities in their friends and also model what it means to be a positive influence on others (sometimes it’s your kid who is the negative influence!).

We live in challenging times. It’s in these moments that we’re most susceptible to influence, positive or negative. In what ways have you increased the positive influence in your life, or your child’s life? Please share your experiences!

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