Dannah's World

Helloooooo......

2009-03-12T12:41:00.000-07:00

I haven't been writing lately, but I will again (in case you've missed me!)I've got plenty rolling around in my head but I've been kinda busy. See you soon!

Dannah

Paying Respects

2008-11-28T15:46:00.000-08:00

I got to speak at my grandmother's service. It was an honor. Here's what I said, while the Pastor held up the painting.

I’m Dannah, Judy’s granddaughter. Judy was very dear to me. I learned so much from her, including how to paint. I love art, and she is the person who taught me. She gave me my passion in life.

This is a painting she did of me and my brother Paul. It is dated 1979, So she painted it when we were that size. About 10 years ago, she gave me the painting and told me the significance of it. It is of us, and symbolizes us going forward into the future. I am rushing ahead, and Paul is holding back a little, but I’m pulling him along. I do tend to dive into everything, and Paul was a bit more timid as a child. He's more careful than I am a lot of the time.

The clouds on the horizon symbolize our future. The sky is not clear and sunny, or dark and stormy, but yellow. She said the clouds are yellow because when there are yellow clouds the weather is uncertain and it is a bit ominous, but not necessarily bad. She was worried for us, as we approached our lives.

There is a break in the clouds toward the top of the painting. She said that was the part of the sky she would watch over us through, and the sky between her and us would always be clear.

I have had this painting hanging by my bed since I got it. I look at it every night before I go to bed, and think about the story she told me of the painting. I am so grateful to have had her looking out for me all these years, because I have needed it! I know she looked after all of us when she was alive. Now she has the better view, watching over her family and friends. I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather have watching over me.

Remembering Judy

2008-11-23T09:58:00.000-08:00

My grandmother Judy passed away this morning. She was 94. She was an amazing woman.

We called her Judy, which was her nickname. Her real name was Jewell. She has such a great story, which sometime I hope to have the time to sit down and really write about. I can't do it justice on a blog post. Born in 1914, she lived through it all; through the depression, the world wars, on into this time. She never lost her mental awareness, even up to a couple of months ago when she was here during hurricane Ike. She had been evacuated from her home and had to spend a couple of weeks with us here. I am very thankful for that time, even though it came out of a disaster. She told me on that visit that she was ready to go. That she was looking forward to it even, in a grateful way. She died happy with a large family legacy. She was with my father, her only child. She had had trouble having children, so he was her gift in life. She got to know her 6 grandchildren and her 4 great- grandchildren and got to see us all doing well.

My grandmother gave me so much. She's the one who taught me how to paint, how to cook, took me to Sunday school at her church, watched me for weeks during the summer, and most of all she was always there in my corner, and truly recognized my life's struggles. She knew me well, probably because I'm a lot like her in many ways. Different but of the same make I think. She always told me "You wouldn't be afraid of the Devil himself if you met him." She thought I needed to be more careful. She was right of course. She was a smart, independent woman, especially for having grown up when she did,. She had a graduate degree, a career in teaching, didn't marry until she was 27. She lived on her own for a decade before marrying, which was against the norm for her era. She also had a very funny, dry sense of humor. And at her age, she had learned she could get away with saying whatever was on her mind. She earned that right for sure.

She was independent and strong but nurturing, and I loved her very much. And I always knew she loved me too. I will miss her greatly.

Waiting for this year's D*** in a Box. Funny video that is!!

2008-11-16T15:12:00.000-08:00

Tax me.

2008-11-07T10:48:00.000-08:00

I should start off by saying I'm nowhere near the $250.000 mark that may see an increase in taxes. At least 2.5 times less than that bracket. So, I might feel different if I were, but I don't think so. I'm not directing this at anyone personally, so don't be offended at what I'm about to say. It's just my view of things.

O.K., I am not in the "wealthy" bracket, but I consider myself very well off. Sure, there are times when we really have to cut back, sometimes bills are paid late, I'm dropping out of Big Christmas shopping this year, vacations are rare, etc., but my family's needs are met. We have a house. We have health insurance, 2 cars, food on the table. I live in a good neighborhood, my kids go to good public schools. And yes, we pay taxes too. I'm not judging anyone for not wanting to share their wealth. I can be very frugal, a nice word for cheap. I'm not someone who gives money away easily. It gives me anxiety to donate to church, charities, etc. I have to force myself to do it. After I do it's fine, but working up to it while thinking of all the things I can do with it instead can be difficult. Even then, I choose which programs to donate to rather than letting someone else do it. It's a defect of mine & I'm working on it.

So I come to taxes, which could be compared to tithing to a church or donating except it's required. But for some reason taxes don't bother me. Maybe because I don't have to physically hand it over, it's done for me. But, I recognize that it's necessary. I think that people don't realize where taxes go. On the blogs it seems like wealthy people just don't want to support poor people because they're lazy, looking for handouts and entitlements. I won't even get into helping the less fortunate argument here. I just want to make a case for why I think it's good to pay taxes. By paying taxes you're not just supporting the very poorest. There are a lot of people affected. A lot of people who make far less than my family does, who are educated hard workers too. They have chosen to have a career that makes less, this is true, but they are absolutely necessary to our society. Far more than most. And some of those people need food stamps, help with medical bills, and other necessities. Here are the people that earn their salaries through tax dollars. And I should mention that these people are taxed as well.

Military
Teachers
Police
Firefighters
Paramedics- all 911 personell
gov. employees, aka DPS, DOT workers
social workers
Garbage men/ women
Postmen/ women

Things taxes pay for:

War. During WWII people pitched in and made sacrifices. War is more than just soldiers and their families. They make the ultimate sacrifice, but the rest of us need to understand that war isn't free.

Medicare for elderly. My generation (X) as well as the next will have to care for the largest group of elders, the boomers, who not only are many in number but they'll outlive all previous generations. My 94 y/o grandmother is living off of her SS and Medicare and that reduces a major burden on my family. That's just one example; I don't take it for granted. We need to get that taken care of before it's too late.

again, all 911 services
Roads
Waste removal- trash & recycling
Public Schools
Jails
animal control
national parks
disaster relief
Libraries

Well those are some examples that aren't handouts. Those are services we pay for, through our tax dollars. Most of these workers fall into the lower tax brackets, lower than mine, and I think they deserve a bigger break than me. They are doing the work that makes everything run so the rest of us can go pursue our American dreams.

I've been poor, and now I'm doing well. In my experience it costs much more to be poor. You have to make payments for everything instead of buying it outright, and are charged higher interest. If you can get a loan at all. You have bad health insurance that doesn't cover much. Checks bounce and you get snowballing fees. It all starts adding up and get out of control very easily. And this is just the bare minimum, I'm not talking about irresponsible spending. I'm talking about groceries and transportation and an apartment. When I was a paramedic I made $27,000 a year. That was considered good, I worked for a private company. It was 8 yrs ago, but it wasn't a lot then either.

So, if you're making $250.000 a year and get taxed you'll still be well off. For real, it'll be fine. It'll work itself out, prices will adjust to demand. We have a major recession and it wasn't high taxes that got us there. You'll still have money to shop and stuff. Just think of it as supporting your way of life in civilization as opposed to giving it away. Most of it doesn't go to handouts.

Yo-Bama!

2008-11-05T20:01:00.000-08:00

I have to write a post post election, since history has been made and all. I am happy, as everyone knows I'm a pretty big Obama fan. I'm happy that he won, but not happy because the other team lost. McCain had 48% pop vote, so it wasn't a landslide popularity wise.

I won't say I voted for Obama because he's black, but I am glad he is. It is time for this to happen. Past time. Just like I wouldn't have voted for Hilary, (or to be certain, Sarah Palin) just because she's a woman. But I would've been glad to see a woman in office happen too.

My son asked me today why all the "TV guys" were calling Obama's win history. I'm not even sure he knows what history is, but he heard it enough to ask. I told him it's because Obama's the first "brown guy" to be President. My kids don't even say black or white. They say brown, kinda brown, tan, and pink. My daughter's the pink one. She's really pale and gets pink playing outside when it's warm. I didn't teach them this. They all came up with it. The group on the street is very blended, and my kids' best friends right now are black, white, hispanic, middle-eastern, and mixed. The next-door neighbor kids who are the same ages as mine are black with a white grandmother. I watch 2 kids after school, one hispanic and one black/white mixed, who were adopted by their parents who are hispanic and white. My son's longest standing friend is half Mexican, half white/asian. He also had a "girlfriend" last year that is Indian. And I live in a North Texas suburb. My kids absolutely have no awareness of racial problems yet. But they are young, early elementary aged. I hope it will continue.

So my son's response to Obama being the first "brown" president was "He's not that brown. He's kinda brown." And the discussion was over. He went on playing with his legos. One of the pundits, I saw so many last night I don't remember who, said last night that the face of America is changing and it's not just about "Joe the Plumber". It's true. Joe the Plumber is a fine face, but there are a lot of others that are in the game.

This is a big deal. My younger brother who's 19 commented on facebook a sarcastic remark about should he be cheering for Obama's white half. He's not racist. I think he voted for Obama. I guess he doesn't get it as much as older people do. He grew up in a time where it was much more equal than I did, even just being 17 years apart. My generation grew up watching the reruns of All in the Family, Good Times, The Jeffersons, etc to be followed by The Cosby Show, Fresh Prince and those shows. I'm ashamed to admit it, but the most I learned about slavery was from the miniseries "Roots". That's all I knew about black people. I had heard of their struggle, was upset by it and thought it was horrible, but didn't know any personally. I don't even think we had Black history at my school. If we did I don't remember, I was a terrible student. I went to high school in a nice neighborhood in Dallas with no minorities. I'm not kidding. None. Black people were foreign to me until I left home. As well as hispanic, asian, anyone but white. I have higher hopes for my kids. I told him he should cheer for both halves of Obama. I am.

Carol Howard Merrit wrote a good blog on the subject of raising kids who don't know much about racism here.

So, we can be proud, not just because he's African American but be glad that he is. I think he deserves it. But you all knew that.

Depression?

2008-09-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

Things I've been thinking about- in case we are going to be in a depression. I'm assuming we get to keep our home...

I have a yard with enough space for a small garden and a chicken coop.
In case the gas goes out- I have a bbq! Fire is free. Can always boil water over a fire. Will have to find a way to get wood.
My house doesn't really get too cold in the winter- we can all share a bed.
I DON"T have a gun, but I'm thinking of getting one, to scare the coyotes out of my chicken coop. And to shoot the chickens. And rabbits. There are lots of rabbits around here.
Rice and beans store well, don't need a fridge!
I THINK I can survive w/out a/c. It'll suck, but it probably won't kill us.
I could fit at least one more family in my house.
I'm a big fan of bartering.

But before we get to that, this is what I think could happen...

We can drive our cars until they die.
We can live in our homes and not "trade up".
We can wear our clothes until they have holes in them.
We can eat leftovers & cook food at home.
We can age naturally with no plastic surgery & people could keep the noses & bodies they have.
Kids could get toys on their birthdays & Christmas only.
We'll learn how to fix things.
We can keep our appliances until they can't be fixed.
We can barter!!!

Finally, my cheap ways will be en vogue!!

Wag the Pig

2008-09-10T16:48:00.000-07:00

Last blog on the subject for at least 1 week, then I'll put an *old fish* in it. I am a busy person. I'm a mom. I do a lot of neat stuff. ;-) I don't have time to blog about politics. Well obviously I do but it's at the expense of clean laundry, home, sleep, productive writing, painting, you get the idea.

This election is exciting but I'm uneasy. I'm decided, as I am very open about. I don't think I'm a kool-aid drinker. I'm not completely sold but I'm not quite at the lesser of two evils point that I was at at the last election. I still like Obama. I think he's in a very touchy situation. On one hand he can't be too tough, or he's sexist. He can't appear defensive about race, everyone is just waiting on that to happen. On the other he has to be tough because the Reps are constantly trying to make him look weak. His target is way more open than Palin's at this point. They have been throwing zingers at him for days. I actually think the pig in lipstick comment wasn't an accident, but intended... not so much as an insult to Palin directly but an attempt to elicit a response. It's a gamble but it may work for him. After all, I think we all knew Hilary wore lipstick when McCain said the same phrase about her health care policy, which is already common knowledge. It is working, I just don't know if it will be appreciated.

Enough of my left leaning. I respect that not everyone will agree with me. But this is what I want to get at...

It's a nasty game. I am a woman. And a mom. I am very pro-women in the White House. I am in total disagreement with this kid- glove treatment of Palin. I'm still waiting to see this media out-lash at her. I know it happened a little with the pregnant daughter, which she shouldn't be judged on, but come on. ALL the president's and vice president's families are subject to this. She knows that. It's not because she's a woman. Do we not know all about the other candidate's families? I really don't see anything unfair happening. In 8 weeks, this woman could be VICE PRESIDENT of the most powerful country in the world. She could very well end up being THE PRESIDENT. Do people not get this? She's not a movie star. We should know her. We know everyone the other candidates have ever talked to by this point. I think that's the main reason I'm leery. The others have been scrutinized for at least the last few years. They worked up to this for years, with the intention of running for president all along. I know Obama, McCain, Biden, Hilary, Leiberman, Edwards, etc. Faults and all. I'm a follower of politics. I know the least about Biden but the information is accessible, and I'm not being sexist if I want to know it.

I want to know what her beliefs are. I want to hear her say it. I want to know the whole story of all these "tough decisions" she's had to make. The governor thing buys me no comfort. Bush was Governor of my own great state for years AND his father was President. I want to know about the church she goes to. I did about Obama too. I didn't agree with Jeramiah Wright, but I know about it and I can make a decision. I want to know about war and security. And not just that I'll be protected by war. I want to know about our relationships with other countries. I want to know if I'm going to have to have a rapist's child if that were to happen. I want to know if my life were compromised by a pregnancy if my two young children would have risk losing their mother. (Not saying here what I'd do in such situations- that's not the point.) I do want to know though. And those are extreme examples. But no abortion debate here. I just want to hear her explain it.

I grew up with Hilary. I've known about McCain for years. I've read two books by Obama, and while they might only be "memoirs", I've had 4 years to learn about him. I don't trust any of them 100%. But I can't trust McCain enough to pick the next President. I'm not betting on him dying, but it really could happen. It could happen to any President. That's why VP IS IMPORTANT. Really important. I would want to know from any candidate for VP.

I'm not saying she's incapable either. I just think the scrutiny is very, very understandable. I may get my answers soon, but I can't see how someone who's only been in the game for 10 days has so many followers. Wake up people! Get over the sound-bytes and really be informed. Nobody will be perfect, and you won't ever know all the facts. But don't just vote for someone because they're a mom like you, or black like you, or conservative or Liberal or Christian like you. Think about things and how they might work in relation to the whole world. Then base your vote on that.

I'm really not trying to sway your vote but I am concerned with the Palin fever. It has a much faster incubation point than Obama fever, and appears to be more deadly. (At least to me :)

Caught In My Own Hypocrisy.

2008-09-09T07:39:00.000-07:00

I have a dirty secret, some of you know but many of you don't. I sneak cigarettes. I used to be a smoker, before having kids, and while I wouldn't call myself a full- fledged smoker, it happens. Lately, it's been happening too often. I have to stop. I wonder if I will struggle with this addiction for the rest of my life. I think it's over then it pops up... stress, boredom, I can think of any reason usually.

Smoking isn't illegal. People smoke. I really don't think that much of it. I know it's bad, like everyone does. I grew up around it, and it has always been in my life in one way or another. The thing is, I'm halfway in the closet. I'm a sneaker. I don't smoke around the kids, or around most people, and I have my set "situations" where I find it acceptable. I guess it's called social smoking. Only with other smokers of course. That's my rationale.

Well, the other day my son came home from a friends house smelling like smoke. I was appalled. He said the grandmother was was smoking. The grandmother is living there now, and it is certainly her business. I know in the previous generations it wasn't seen as a big deal. Many of my relatives smoked around me. Good Christian people. :) In the house and in the car. I remember making ash trays in ceramics class before I even was old enough to think about smoking. I had my first cigarette in the mall. Right out in the open. And we smoked in the girl's bathroom and never got in trouble for it at school. But those were different times. Gladly.

So my son told his friend the reason he can't go over there anymore is because his grandmother was smoking in the house. It was sad to hear, I walked in on them talking about it. I never told Jameson why, but he knew because I freaked out about him smelling like smoke. I told the boy he can come over anytime instead. He was upset though, and he first he told me she doesn't do it. Here begins the lie... Then he said "But the windows are open." and "I don't know why she has to do that." It's sad when a six- year old has to make excuses. And, you see, I have shared a cigarette with his mom before, who isn't an inside smoker and doesn't do it around her kids either. So, she had the same rules as me. But she knows I do it. I am a total hypocrite. But, I definitely won't let my kids back over there, that's not the hypocrisy. That's just protection. But, how can I talk the talk and not walk it? It's only a matter of time before my kids catch on. I have to end it now...

So I'm airing out my secret on the web, for all to see. I'm not proud, but if it's out in the open I can't hide. I probably wasn't fooling anyone anyway.

I can't wait until Nov.

2008-09-07T00:38:00.000-07:00

Mainly because I want this election to be over!!! It's taking up too much of my time. I can't stop watching news channels (and I'm not really that into news channels, really) I'm even decided, so I really could stop watching and move on. I as I said before, I'm for Obama. I'm just liberal by nature. I try to consider Republican candidates to be fair, but I just think I'm more socially minded. And that since I've been an adult, it just seems like Democratic administrations do a lot better. I've only really paid attention though Clinton & Bush. Not that I even think the world is going to be be that much better... but at least I can "hope".

That said I like McCain. I always have. He's likeable. He's a hero, and he seems like a very good man. I think he'd be a good president, just in a different time. It's very hard to dislike him though.

Palin on the other hand, I just don't get what the big deal is. IS it because she's a woman that has stirred up all of this hoo- ha? I guess it is. I so want to like a woman in office. People like her more than McCain!!! But I just don't agree with her views. And her speech was ok, delivery wise, but it wasn't particularly moving. It was mostly just jabs at Obama. And I don't think they were warranted. To make fun of community organizing is ignorant, as well as making fun of the columns. She was making light of a tribute to MLK made on the anniversary of the "I have a dream" speech. By the first black nominee for president. I never think that ridicule makes a person look better than their rival.

From what I've heard, she's tried to get books banned from a public library because she didn't like them, is anti sex ed, in favor for abstinance only, (I don't think it's related to the campaign, but 17 is awfully young. Birth control does work most of the time...) As far as abortion, I do think soon the argument will be as arcane as the procedure, but it will be only if all women have access to health care & education. I'm all about prevention. She sued to have polar bears taken off the endangered list to help further drilling, for the love! Well if you're interested in knowing about who might be president soon you know these things. McCain isn't young, and Palin is not, from what I can tell, ready for presidency.

I can only wait for Nov. and vote. I doubt Obama will get Texas. We're way too into kicking ass here, as well as drilling for oil. Our urban areas are seriously segregated, and will probably stay that way. And we're hell on the environment. Palin will be well recieved here.

Why, no matter who you're for, you should never listen to ANY pundits.

2008-09-06T17:40:00.000-07:00

Even the "elite media"

Blog quiz answers all my ?'s

2008-09-02T08:32:00.000-07:00

JK. But kind of interesting...

Your Issue Profile: 72% Obama, 28% McCain

While it sounds like Obama is the choice for you, he's not a perfect match.

You and John McCain actually share some of the same views.

Whether this is news to your or not, you have some studying to do.

Obama seems like he's the right fit, but it's an important issue might sway you over to McCain.

Should You Vote for Obama or McCain?

Pain and Politics

2008-08-30T06:07:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while, I have been writing but it's been on my book, so I haven't had much time to blog. But now, alas, I am home recovering from a quadruple wisdom tooth removal so I have nothing to do except compute and write. And watch politics and read blogs and opinions. Dangerous territory...

I'm for Obama, I like him. I was hoping he'd eventually run for President back in 2004, after it was clear Kerry wouldn't win, but I did think it'd be 2116 not 2008 that he'd run.

I don't really see what's not to like about him. I think his popularity and ability to get people excited is a good thing, not something to be criticized. What's wrong with a little optimism? I don't think he's the messiah, as some anti- Obama folk tease- but I don't see what's wrong with his ideals. He seems like he's got a pretty clear vision, he's intelligent, and I think he gets people involved in wanting positive things for our country. I don't think he's going to single- handedly change the world, but I think he's a good choice. At the very least he seems to be able to reason and he makes sense when he's speaking. I think what we need now for a leader is a diplomat, not a hero. The President doesn't make all the decisions, but we need to be represented by a respectable man. And he might help lead the nation out of this fear- driven, negative mood.

I watched the DNC and thought it was over the top. Biden was dramatic and Hilary had crazy eyes. Bill was the star. Barack gave a good speech. But, as over the top as it was, it was a historical night. We really haven't ever had a black man nominated on a major party ticket. It's not the reason to vote for him, but it has NEVER happened. That does need to be acknowledged. And celebrated. And it's way past time for that to happen. How can people say that's why he's getting elected? I still think his race is making it harder for him. (Just like being a woman is, for Hilary AND Sarah.) It would have been a historical night if Hilary had won, too. All in all, it was a good night for America. Things have been down for a while. We're at war. Gas prices suck. There's been a lot of negative times in the past 8 years. We desperately need a morale boost, and I think making history was a good one.

Then comes the GOP... jumping on the history train. I'm all for women running for Pres and VP. Don't get me wrong. But this was an attention getter, in my opinion. And to pretend it wasn't is even more insulting. I wish they'd just come out and say they wanted to shake things up a bit. I would understand then. It's like if I wore a tutu to dinner and then asked everyone why they're staring at me. Her's is not the same situation as Obama's. She got to bypass the electoral process, she didn't have to campaign or debate, she was hand- picked, not elected. I don't want to argue about experience (experience doesn't mean a better leader IMO, but ability to rally people does.) I kind of think her and Obama's experience is apples and oranges. The main point I want to make is that there is a very real chance she'd end up being President, considering McCain's age and cancer history. I just can't picture it for some reason.

Anyway, that's my take on it all. I have no interest in debating it further. I realize that people are just going to see what they want to see. Somehow equal rights, education, humanitarianism, basic health care, and the environment have become left or right issues. I'm going to err on the side of caution, meaning the side that would ideally turn out better for everyone. Besides, I won't be able to take care of my parents AND send my kids to college! I might need a little help from the 'Gov!

The finished painting... finally posting it

2008-08-23T19:54:00.000-07:00

I finished my huge painting. "Epoch" Acrylic on canvas.
I'll sell it to ya for $800. It's 8' wide total...

Presbymeme II

2008-08-21T14:39:00.000-07:00

The Rules

In about 25 words each, answer the following five questions.
Tag five presbyterian bloggers and send them a note to let them know they were tagged.
Be sure to link to this original post.
Leave a comment or send a trackback to this post so others can find you.
Neal

I'm breaking the rules with some short answers!

1) What is your favorite faith-based hymn, song or chorus?

I don't know too many, but I enjoyed Robin Mark while he was here.

2) What was the context, content and/or topic of the last sermon that truly touched, convicted, inspired, challenged, comforted and/or otherwise moved you?

Actually, I liked Neal's last sermon before he left. It was about going out into the world... not just being in church on Sundays, etc. Which of course I liked since I'm not really that into Sun. morning Church.

3) If you could have all Presbyterians read just one of your previous posts, what would it be and why?

I would never want ALL Presbyterians to read any of my posts.

4) What are three PC(USA) flavored blogs you read on a regular basis?

Tribal Church, by Carol Howard Merritt
The Fettered Heart By Ryan
Mr. Lockes Classroom By Neal

5) If the PC(USA) were a movie, what would it be and why?

Lost in Translation

Ok, so now we get to pass this on. I'm going to look around & try to see who hasn't done it... BRB

Close Call

2008-07-29T15:29:00.000-07:00

I was going down the Tollway today when a car ahead of me started swerving around, hit the median, and flipped over in front of me. I was able to slam on the brakes and stop a few feet from his car before crashing into it, and luckily the person behind me was able to stop in time too. It's been 8 years since I worked as a paramedic, but it all came back really fast. The guy was conscious, and seemed to be ok, I was telling him to just stay still that I'd called 911 when another guys topped who was a nurse, and had all his medical tools with him because he was home health, then the next woman who stopped was a Doctor. Weird. It was not that guy's time. Then another guy stopped, who was a chaplain, saying that was his second overturned vehicle he witnessed today where the driver ended up ok. The drive ended up not even going to the hospital, and he just had a small cut on his leg. Made for an exciting ride home. I am thanking the good lord today.

still painting, almost done

2008-07-18T23:15:00.000-07:00

The picture makes it look so small. It's really 8' long. It is almost, almost done. I may have to just call it quits soon.

animal house.

2008-07-16T09:14:00.000-07:00

I love my dog. But my dog attacked our kitten and killed it. It was not an accident, I saw her lunge across the room and bite the cat's neck, tearing his jugular. The cat died instantly. It was shocking. I frequently have small children over so now I know I can't keep the dog. She's never hurt a kid, or even come close, but after what I saw I know I can't trust her reactions. This morning was terrible, I had to tell the kids. I just said Sassy wasn't gentle with the kitty and it died, and Sassy has to go live in a house where there's no cat. I'm so sad, losing 2 animals at once. Especially Sassy. She's been a good dog, it tears me up. But, like I said with small kids around, mine and others', I just can't keep her. Rough day.

excerpt from homeless book- rough draft preachin'

2008-07-07T21:55:00.000-07:00

"Paul, why don't you sleep at the shelter?" I asked.

Paul won't stay in a shelter. He says it's not safe.

"It's a new world order." Sometimes Paul is really clever. "And I got asthma real bad, and I can't be around all that smoke. And I'm waitin' on a miracle to happen, and a miracle ain't gonna happen in a shelter."

"What kind of miracle?" I ask.

"A good lookin' woman might wanna adopt me." he laughs. "That's what I wanta happen."

And I thought he was going to say something deep. Silly me.

I can see why he thinks it's not safe. Recently I went with a friend down to the Bridge, the new homeless shelter, for lunch. It's an impressive effort. But I think the problem is being looked at in the wrong way. By lumping everyone together we ARE creating a new world order. A lot of these people have problems getting along in society as it stands, and we want to throw them all together in a hot, loud, crowded place. The atmosphere was very tense. I even felt myself getting agitated there. There were just so many people in one place, many of whom are in a different state of mind. There was a lot of yelling and fighting. Everyone was congregated under a roof where people camp out. I know the service is a good one, and it will help many people, but I don't really see it as getting all of those people off the streets. It does get some people off of the streets, there are some dorms but there's limited space. I guess it keeps the homeless away from us, the society, so we don't have to see them on the street. Or deal with them as much.

From what I've heard from many of the residents it seems like there's a lot of fear involved with the institutional aspect of it all. One person I spoke with, who wishes to remain anonymous and declined a formal interview, was telling me about how he left because he believes the government is abducting people from the shelter and harvesting organs from them. He believes this is being done under the shelter in a basement. A major supporting argument he has is the amount of money spent on the project, $26,000,000.00 I believe is what he cites as the amount.

"Think about it." He said. "Who better for them to use than the homeless people."

Now, granted, these are not the thoughts of a healthy person. But, there are so many cases of mental illness in the homeless population. Far more than are diagnosed, because so many of them just won't see a doctor or take psychiatric medication. There's a lot of paranoia.

It would be so easy to approach this problem solely from a medical standpoint. Of course, a lot of the mentally ill are sick. Of course, it would be best if they could be on medication and live a somewhat "normal" existence. But what do we do when we don't have the ability to make that happen? The government is left with the responsibility, and by it's design, the government cannot give personalized care and assess each situation individually. It is not the place of the government to love and nurture it's citizens. So in the absence of an in-between policy, where the mentally ill are either on disability and being medically treated, and the ones who are too scared but well enough to refuse treatment so they just stay homeless, there is a lack of response to the problem.

In my opinion, that is the perfect place for the church to come in. No, we cannot make them sane. We cannot make them take medication, nor can we diagnose. We cannot always make them employable. We can offer services, but we can't expect them all to take our suggestions. We can't take them into our homes. Well, technically we could but I sure am not planning on doing that. I would have to know a person very, very well to do that and at this point I'm not ready. We can give them food and supplies, which we do, but that doesn't keep them from being homeless. The question is, why do we need them to fit into our lifestyle in order for us to think that helping them is worth our time? And what does it mean to help them?

A good place to start is just by getting to know them, during volunteer hours. By talking to them, and by adopting the same interaction that we would have with anyone else. Ask them about their day, what they're working on, have them tell you their story. Think about how it fells when people are interested in what you do. Help them feel that.

In doing this, we're going to find people who have made a lot of mistakes. There's going to be people who we think should have seen their situation coming and done something to change it. There's going to be people we think should be able to change it, who we think should just stop being lazy and get a job. There's going to be people who we believe have chosen this lifestyle, as many have. There's going to be people with alcohol and drug problems. And we're going to feel like we can't solve their problems.

The good news is, I believe, that it's not our job to solve their problems. Only they and God can do that. When we are serving and volunteering with the homeless, we are serving God, not the people. Hopefully we will be of some help, but we have to realize that it's not for our benefit. It's not so we get to turn someone's life around. We may get to see them do it, hopefully, but it can't be a personal investment. I'm not even sure that it's our only duty to give them things like food, clothing and shelter. We can get to know them on a human level, and show them that we understand that they're people just like us. And most of all, to accept them as they are, in the situation they are in at the time.

There is a lot of institutional help at this time. Many of them won't take it. As a church we can create a different environment. We can have a more relaxed, relatively calm, organic surrounding where people will not feel as threatened. Now, I'm not talking about having separate services for homeless poor people either. We should do our best to get them into the services we already have. They spend enough time separate from our society as it is. Church should be a place they can come and be fine. Really though, the church service is not where we're going to find them. We have to go to them tell them we're here. And the best way to do that is to volunteer, get to know them, encourage them and invite them, without worrying about the cost.

Painting Update

2008-06-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

I have had some time to work on the painting, and I have made some progress. Still not done, but it's coming along. I think I'll have it done in time for the showing Aug. 2nd. Hopefully! Everyone should come to that- Mark your calendars. I'll post location soon- I know it's downtown/ Deep Ellum area.

Why don't we have a siesta??

2008-06-27T14:05:00.000-07:00

I just got up after laying down for a couple hours this afternoon. I do this all the time, and every day I do it I feel guilty about it. I think of all the stuff I should've done instead. I just get so wiped out in the afternoon, and the nap helps me get through the evening in a much better mood. My kids still need afternoon downtime too. We don't always sleep, but we chill. I was feeling the guilt today when I realized there are whole societies all over the world that do this. Most animals do too. America needs to adopt this practice. I'm going to officially put the afternoon siesta in my day planner. And stop feeling bad about it.

Whoops!

2008-06-23T12:43:00.000-07:00

I opened my big mouth and almost got my butt kicked today. I went with a friend down to the Bridge, the new homeless shelter, for lunch. I hadn't been there since the Stew Pot moved there. It was fine- there were a whole bunch of people there today. It was crowded so we had to find seats with other people and we sat at one with a few other people. When we sat down a lady there started making racist comments about white people (I was the only white person nearby.) She was complaining on and on about how "the white people come here and try to help the homeless, thinking their going to do some good. I hate the white people trying to do good... etc." Add a bunch of curse words in with all that. So I said- "You don't have to come here." Holy- * As soon as it left my mouth I knew it sounded wrong. "Bitch! I'll say what ever I want to say! You'll get jumped up in here you bitch!!" repeat that about 10 times... I was still kind of miffed and not scared, and I would have said something else but she left. My friend was telling me just not to say anything. He's right. I really didn't mean it as an insult, I just didn't want her talking like that when it was so obviously for my benefit. But, she was looking to be pissed off today, I could just tell. I feel bad though. Maybe she does have to be there- and I shouldn't have said anything. I'm not used to all this turn the other cheek stuff. I'm a fighter. But, I'm learning, and did learn today- to keep my mouth shut at least!!!!

understanding

2008-06-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

Still working on the God as I understand him thing. It's funny that it's so hard, seeing as how I consider myself a Christian. I guess I'm more of a Christian Agnostic. I'm working at it. It just seems so unlikely, all the supernatural stuff I'm supposed to believe. Miracles. I was wondering, why did God make miracles in biblical times and not now? Then I realized he does. He works through people. We just don't all do our part. Doctors heal, pastors and therapists and friends help emotionally & spiritually, people are involved in helping in all areas. My family, that's definitely a wonderful miracle. Then there's all the cool nature stuff. I like church but I have to admit it's a social engagement for me. I don't think I know what it feels like to "worship". I believe but I can't get past the theology. But I don't really think God cares.

I was thinking about the passage Matthew 12:30 where Jesus says "He who is not with Me is against Me; and he who does not gather with Me scatters." In context he is talking about the pharisees accusing him of casting out demons by way of Beelzebub, and he says that's not possible because a kingdom divided among itself will fall. If satan works against satan they'll cancel each other out. So if God works against God it will cancel him out. Since Jesus claims to be on the side of God, to go against him will hurt the kingdom of God. I don't think he's saying you have to be a "Christian". I think Jesus was much more universal in his thinking than we give him credit for. I think he's warning about splitting hairs over differences. Either you are for God or you're not. It's that simple. We shouldn't work against each other if we want the same outcome.

The next verse 12:31 "Therefore I say to you, any sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven people, but blasphemy against the Spirit shall not be forgiven."

Blasphemy against religion and men (including the Son of Man) will be forgiven, but blasphemy of the Holy Spirit will not. This screams to me that The Holy Spirit is transcendent of all people. As only a great holy spirit creator could be. I think the reason I stumble with Christianity is I have a hard time thinking of God as a man, rather than a nebulous energy, all knowing and currently present. But then again I do believe that Christ was of God and doing God's work. I just have a hard time with the Trinity. Plus the resurrection happened 2000 years ago and just seems so removed, like a story.

There's a line in the AA book about God being everything or nothing. I don't see God in evil, and I do think there's opposing forces in the universe. But maybe they mean it in a "He who is not with Me is against Me; and he who does not gather with Me scatters." kind of way. Makes sense to me, at last!! I can definitely say, if nothing else, that I am for God.

Still working on my "epoch". Heehee.

2008-06-08T00:07:00.000-07:00

I've been working on the painting(s) some more... I am almost done with Utopia and Hell on Earth. I'm not feeling as emotional about it now. I think looking at all the pictures was worse that painting it. My German is bad on the gate to Auschwitz. Gotta fix that. I have come to realize lately that every age before us, at least as far back as Jerusalem, and on, has thought that their sin was going to end the world. Or that God was punishing them for their sins. In translating the things from the Bosch painting, it's all the same stuff. Greed, violence, idol worship, The Church involved in politics, greed, communing with idol worshipers, etc. (pictures here) Well, here it is in the year 2008 and we still think we're doing ourselves in. Maybe we are. Now the fear is possibly more real than before, considering nuclear weapons & destruction of Earth, but if most of us die the Earth will go on and eventually be fine. Some of us will survive. And multiply. And then books will be written about the meaning of life and God and all that and the world will keep going. Until we do ourselves in again. The most challenging thing sometimes is just to deal with the here and now. I'm trying NOT to look so much at the big picture. The little things in life that are right in front of me. It's amazing that every single person from the beginning of time each has their own personal story. It makes you feel like a grain of sand, even though our lives are such a big deal to us. I guess it's what's important. But it is fun doing this big painting.

Steps 1,2 & 3

2008-06-03T19:39:00.000-07:00

Back to the old drawing board. I had a little backslide in AA, as I wrote about before. I think I just got overwhelmed. But I'm back in the game. The cyst, the morphine, the birth control pills, all the medical tests just wore me out. Probably the worst was the pill. That was not cool. All was not lost, except my sobriety date, but I still feel the need to start over. Here goes:

Step 1- admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.

Admitted we were powerless over alcohol- I can do that. I know I can't drink. I'm powerless over my drinking habits. I have proved this to myself over and over again. I Have such a hard time with moderation.

And our lives had become unmanageable- this one was a stumbler last time. I thought unmanageable meant unsuccessful, unhappy, out of control worthless alcoholic life. I've never felt that way. Even when I'm down I know I have a good life. I have a great marriage, wonderful children, good friends,and I've done some pretty cool things! This time it simply means I'm not managing my life as I should be. Or rather, that I'm not effectively managing it. True! There's much room for improvement. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels a lot of the time. Doesn't mean I have a terrible life.

Step 2- Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

OK I believe in God. That's my higher power. Done.

Could restore us to sanity. What? You say I'm insane?? I know my name and who the president is! I know that it's 2008!! INSANE means I'm talking to my invisible friend Betty in the produce aisle. I'm not insane. I've got my issues but Jeez.
(I do, however, have an intense fear of losing my mind.) I've been close before. I am diagnosed as Bipolar but that doesn't mean I'm INSANE. Just "colorful". Some would say alcoholic.

Now- for the first time I'm going to put 1 & 2 together.

Powerless, unmanageable, God (higher power), restore, sanity.
restore- means I was once sane. So I don't have to be someone else. I can just be restored to my original sanity. Whatever that was.

This time around, I look at unmanageable as insane and sanity as manageable. I believe in this context the two are intertwined.

Now I just have to believe that the higher power can do the restoring. Common sense tells me that whatever made me can probably handle it, but I don't know what that means. I think it means that I could be living more authentically, how I was designed to. But I still get to be me. Last time I didn't want to change my whole personality. I still don't. I kind of like myself. I just don't want to be controlled by my whims.
I guess that's why we're supposed to stop trying to control them. To end the fight. I have nothing to lose here, the fight is lost. I went for a long time without alcohol before, but I'm not positive I didn't substitute some other behaviors for the alcohol. More on that later.

Step 3- made a decision to turn our will and lives over to God as we understand him.

Decision- yep- that's why I'm here. God- sure. as we understand him- not so sure. I realized today that all I have are theories- a lot of them. Any of them could be right. I have absolutely no personal way of seeing God. I believe it's impossible to define God. It's kind of hard to have an understanding of something that can't be understood. I have a personal theory, but it in no way related to daily life. In a strange way it seems like it would be ego-centric to have a personal understanding of God. As ironic as that is, considering I'm completely ego-centric trying to run things. I have a very chaotic view of the world. Because I can't make sense of many happenings, I just think they don't make any sense. There's no trust. I know God is doing it but I don't know why. It kind of pisses me off. I am just now getting that it's not for me to know. Right now as I write this. I've always known things are out of my control, but I never stop trying to understand them. I have not come to terms with not getting the answers. The How I'm o.k. with but not the why. What is the point of this whole life thing?? When I figure it out I'll let y'all know. Just kidding. There's an old Twightlight Zone episode where the meaning of life is figured out and everyone who hears it goes completely bonkers. It ends with it being broad casted on the radio- if I remember correctly. It's just not for us to know.

So- I am going to hang out here at 3. Decision is done. Now I have conjure an image and personality for God. I know- I can't- but I just mean one for me to reference. I'll probably end up going with Christ. I don't think I can come up with a better one myself. There's still the whole "Holy Spirit" thing- that is the undefinable part.

I dedicate this post to "Slick". R.I.P. Another one of those things we just won't be able to understand. From what I heard in meetings he had a good grasp on all of this. He'll be missed.