Dare to Love Right

2015-02-16T12:49:00.000-08:00

I live to love with passion, to succeed in my efforts to accomplish, to radiate a joyful heart, to embrace and understnd our differences, to be a humble servant to life assignments, to be genuine in my intent and most importantly...to celebrate the essence of my "Femininity".

~Ada

Celebrating Love and Romance

2012-02-14T15:21:00.000-08:00

Valentine’s Day- Celebrating Love and Romance

Everyday should be a day you show your gratitude and love to the special people in your life. St. Valentine’s Day is that one magical day of the year that you set aside to romance and show your undying love to that special person in your life. It is through giving that we open our hearts to love.

What Is Love?

Love is not a word you utter; anyone can say “I Love You”, true love is your heart in action demonstrating the unbreakable bond of commitment, respect and adoration. It is that uncontrollable force of nature that demands the soul to care without conditions, restrictions or barriers. It gives no excuses, it sees no hurdles and it fosters laughter and joy. It is priceless, free and un-exchangeable. It is unique to only one, commands priority and forsakes all others. It nourishes desire, celebrates intimacy and refuels limitless passion. It grows no thorns, forgiving, and gentle in its path.

Love is the mutual attachment to the goodness of the heart.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Dating and Family Relationships: Dating and Parenting a Toddler

2012-01-20T16:16:00.000-08:00

The dynamics of parenthood has definitely changed its course through time. Being a single parent now days is not necessarily a result of a divorce; many women/men are choosing to have children out of wed-lock and many goal driven individuals are choosing to have children at a later stage in life or not at all. And then you have the “oops” baby making folks that have, for whatever reason, never heard of a condom (Red Flag Alert). Whichever circumstance identifies you, whether you’re a divorced, widowed or an adoptee single mother or father, it does not make you exempt from the dating world or immune to sharing your life with someone other than your child. Single parents have the right and deserve to be in a loving relationship just like anyone else. With preparation and well-defined priorities, you can enjoy a blissful relationship without compromising your role as a parent.

The following are some tips to help guide single parents back into the platform of occupational dating:

Be Strait Forward and Honest from the Start

Some people prefer not to disclose they have a child until the first date, for it allows that other person an opportunity to get to know you without all those misconceptions of being a single parent. If asked previously, then yes absolutely discuss with limited disclosure; the last thing you want is to be feeding information to a pedophile. And never take it personal if he/she is not interested in dating you, it’s a personal choice that should be respected. Not everybody has the parenting gene!

Caring for My Toddler Always Comes First

In Single Parent Dating 101, telling your potential life partner that your child comes first no matter what is not only a huge RED FLAG but unhealthy and unrealistic standards to live by. It is the care of a child that takes precedence over anything else, more so during the first 5 primary development years of a child’s life. A potential relationship will never evolve if your date feels like there is no hope in ever becoming #1, in which a spouse is entitled to have. Choosing not to date till your child is of school age is a personal decision you will have to make based on your child’s needs and accessibility to suitable care. It is important to be mindful that infant/ toddlers needs are different from a school age children for they require additional supervision, nurturing and guidance. The best part is that it is only temporary and in no time your children will be grown and more independent, leaving you more autonomy over your social dating life.

Date Having Difficult Time Accepting

Dating a single parent with a toddler may not be much of a big deal for some folks, especially if you are a parent of a young child yourself. However, for many the idea of taking on the responsibility of an instant family is far from appealing. Choosing to date someone with or without children should be a defined established standard, which should be addressed at the beginning and not well into a relationship when emotional investments have been made. If your partner seems reluctant or on the fence or just disengaged from the idea that you’re a parent (no consideration for your time and schedule), reconsider the relationship; allowing time to pass in hopes that they will have a change of heart or grow into the idea, is taking a very risky gamble with your emotions.

Date Respectfully! Remember Your Modeling Behavior for Your Child

Falling for that someone special is exciting and adventurous, as well as time-consuming. A great date is best enjoyed knowing you have the peace of mind that your child has been attended to and is being cared for by a great and trustworthy provider. Keep your parenthood life separate from your social dating life until you are certain that your partner is a keeper and worthy of sharing your most precious life treasures. Always keep in mind that children absorb everything they hear and see; your actions will be the blueprint to their future relationships.

Just Keeping it Real!

Dating and Family Relationships: Setting Boundaries with Your Ex

2012-01-15T23:59:00.001-08:00

Being a single parent with young children and desiring to date is not equivalent to filling your taxes; a maddening and frustrating process. Regardless of your single family dynamics, we are all creatures who desire to be loved and have healthy stimulating relationships. Being the best parent you can be requires nurturing your mind, body and soul, not sacrificing yourself for the next 18+ years. Transitioning yourself from mommy or daddy to that of dater, lover, or partner can be achieved without emotional guilt or compromising your priorities; with appropriate structuring of your time and clear and honest intentions you can have a healthy dating social life as a single parent.

The first step in dating as a single parent is assessing your emotional availability. Are you emotionally detached and healed from your past relationship? Raising young children, especially under the age of five, requires a great deal of participation and partnership from both parents and more than often that common bond with two individuals can prolong emotional attachments for one party more than the other; creating a platform for baby momma or daddy drama. To avoid unwanted drama and heartache to both parties involved set clear healthy boundaries in co-parenting your child and your interactions with your ex. You might be checked out but is your ex clear and respectful of that? Your interaction should be business like with the best interest being in your children; such as have a clear set schedule for visitations a mutual agreement for financial support and a plan of action in the case of an emergency.

I received a letter from a woman named Kim, who was having some unsettling emotions over the interactions between her fiancé and his ex-partner. Kim was unsure if her emotions were unwarranted and didn’t want to come off as the insecure drama girlfriend to her partner. Kim respected their friendship but started to wonder about the ex’s emotional attachment, including her fiancés. Kim’s concerns were triggered when her fiancé received a call from the ex discussing her relationship issues with her current boyfriend; she went on to describe several other situations that had absolutely nothing to do with co-parenting their child.

Kim’s insecurities are justified and before they develop into issues of distrust a heart-to-heart conversation needs to take place immediately. Approach your concerns cautiously, not to set yourself up against the ex but more in a suggestive manner of how to set healthy boundaries with the ex without impacting the relationship with the children. If he is unwilling to hear your concerns or make necessary adjustments, then I suggest re-evaluating the relationship as they are significant Red Flags. It is Kim’s partner’s responsibility to cultivate trust and security in the relationship through his transparent actions, clear communication and healthy boundary setting.

Entering a new relationship when there are still emotional attachments with the ex can be stressful and unhealthy. The greatest impact will be on the children, who deserve to have two emotionally healthy parents guiding their every step in life. The key to making it work is communication and respect, and if they still can’t let go, then know when to call it quits.

Just Keeping it Real!

Dating Standards: First Date Deal Breakers #10-Bad Attitudes

2012-01-09T16:04:00.000-08:00

Anything in life is attainable, so as long as you maintain a great Attitude! Whether it’s your dream job, great friendships and yes even that ideal relationship. The disposition in which you choose to live your life will greatly influence the kind of people you attract and the success you achieve. The concept is very simple; happy individuals congregate with other happy folks and negative individuals keep company with other negative folks. My mother would always remind me, as I was growing up a rebellious teenager, “show me who you hang around with and I will tell you who you are”. My mother was right, not only do we inadvertently assume the behaviors and attitudes of our peers but we also position ourselves to be profiled with negative judgment.

I received a letter from a reader who ignored several first date red flags and ended up in an exasperating long-term unhealthy relationship; that poignant red flag that lead to her much disappointment and shattered heart was her partners Bad Attitude. Sally recalls the overlooked initial sings at that first encounter to when her date behaved obnoxiously and rude to the service staff during the course of their dinner. And although Sally knew this behavior was unacceptable, she disregarded because his interaction with her was quite the opposite; he was the ideal ladies man, cordial and attentive with a clear intention to win her heart over. As time progressed, Sally’s partners’ bad attitude towards others became her inherited matter. Not only was he having a bad attitude with her, but she was starting to display snippets of obnoxious behavior with others. On several occasions Sally addressed the issue in great details, but the overall conclusion was that he was not willing to acknowledge or make about any changes for nobody.

A person’s bad attitude is a choice, granted that life circumstances plays a significant role but who in this world doesn’t go through life trials and tribulations; they exist to help us build character and the desire to fight for triumph. Individuals with bad attitudes have not only given up on their fight but have chosen to become victims of their own life struggles and circumstances. That is not to say that people can’t change, of course they can but by their own free will and desire. True love prevails all and if Sally was a significant person in his life he might have felt a slight need to be emotionally accountable and seek solutions to her concerns. Sally could not mend what was already broken, her positions was that of a partner and not of a therapist.

Sally’s rollercoaster relationship could have been avoided had she been more attentive and mindful to her dating standards and needs. Attaining healthy relationships starts with you first; make the right choices and never assume you are exempt from being treated differently because you are the “special one”, a person of good character doesn’t pick and choose; everyone is treated equally with dignity and respect.

Just Keeping it Real!

Dating Standards: First Date Deal Breakers #9- Don’t Lead Me On

2012-01-04T23:52:00.000-08:00

You should always be amiable and polite on your first date, but if you are not feeling the chemistry and you sense your date having much stronger feelings than you, then raise up your “just want to be friends” card before you continue to mislead that person into thinking you are interested in anything more than what you are willing to give. You can’t always assume that your date will pick up on the cues that you’re just not into them especially if you are being overly nice and attentive. Some men and woman become selfish by enjoying their ego’s being stroked and even though it feels great to have someone desire you, it is never acceptable to give false intentions at someone else’s expense; if you’re lonely get a dog. By no means am I suggesting for you to be rude or obnoxious, instead be direct with your intentions. The following are some suggestions for getting the message across:

You can state “I am not interested in getting into any relationships at this time but would like to maintain a friendship. (Always make it about you and not them; keep it classy!)”.
Don’t give any eye contact or body language that can be misinterpreted as flirtatious.
Do not discuss any type of future dates or plans.
Do not use any terms of endearment, such as, baby, honey, my love etc….
DO NOT give any type of affection whatsoever, especially a good night kiss or a hug. Extend your arm and go for the hand-shake, which should get the message across, if all else fails.

A reader sent in a letter discussing how she was very confused by her suitor’s actions following what she believed to be a great first date. He never contacted her or responded to any of her messages, which left her perplexed considering that throughout the course of the date, he was very assiduous, continuously flirtatious, and even went in for a kiss at the end of the evening; unfortunately she was lead on by his false intentions.

Whatever factors are involved for his unresponsiveness, it all equates back to his interest level. We can make excuses and rationalize it to his need for a challenge; however the majority of men are self-indulgent and will stop at nothing to get what they want. So yes ladies, if he is not calling you back, it’s because he was just not into you. Lick your wounds and get yourself back on track, that great guy is around the corner or maybe just right under your nose, but how would you ever know with all your efforts being exhausted by an undeserving guy.

Just Keeping it Real!

Dating Standards: First Date Deal Breakers #8- Walking in Confidence

2011-12-26T17:32:00.000-08:00

This article is very essential, if not the most important point in finding your perfect match and succeeding in life in general. That pearl of wisdom is no other than your “Self-Confidence”. It’s that assurance in which you walk-in that will always lead you to the path of success, not to be confused with cockiness or arrogance. If you ask any woman or man, what is the most attractive feature of a potential mate, the majority will always state “their self-confidence”. Sounds great, but what exactly does that mean?

Confident Man:

Walks in the assurance of his decisions and isn’t afraid to admit that he doesn’t know everything. A confident man is not in need of constant validation and is not threatened by others success. His faith in his abilities is demonstrated through his coolness and well maintained balance when under pressure. When he is wrong he is willing to accept responsibility and not prideful to request forgiveness, he accepts and welcomes constructive criticism and gives advice through love and diplomacy. A confident man has consideration for others and shows his love through his actions. He is able to express he cares for others and that he wants to be cared for. A confident man does not worry about proving his masculinity to others; he is willing to reveal vulnerability and his romantic side in the name of love.

Confident Woman:

A confident woman is comfortable in her own skin and is not trying to be someone she is not. She is able to make sound rationale decisions that are selfish less. She takes ownership of her natural beauty and is not held bondage by her need to fit in. A confident woman knows herself worth and sets the standard for how she will be cherished and appreciated by others. She knows her strengths and is willing to accept she is a work in progress. A confident woman walks into a room and people take notice, she always dresses the part with class and appropriateness. A confident woman wants the most out of life and pushes herself to be the best she can be. She can transition from being an outgoing adventurist to a loving gentle woman who always puts family first. A confident woman always speaks words of encouragement and knows how to control her emotions. A confident woman is faithful and able to love unconditionally.

When defining your characteristics in a potential mate you never list someone with low self esteem. Confidence, on the other hand, is usually at the top of everyone’s list. Confidence makes a person more balanced and able to manage life’s challenging situations. Nobody wants to venture into a relationship with someone who is needy and lacking confidence out of fear, it enables the ability to believe in yourself and your capabilities for building healthy relationships.

So if you feel you are lacking confidence, I suggest you read a few self-help books, get a make-over or just fake it till you make it; but keeping it real, of course!

Just don’t do the following:

Never complain about your body or clothing; such as “I feel fat” or “I look like a mess”.
Never compare yourself to someone else or fish for a complement.
Stop fidgeting with your clothes, hair and make-up. If you need to freshen up, take a quick trip to the ladies room.
Don’t self declare your hotness!
Don’t name drop all the designers that are hanging on you.
DO NOT show off the list of suitors who want to date you. BIG TURN-OFF!
Never get caught with nothing to say.
And NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ask your suitor to rate your date at the end of the evening. Just finish off by stating: “I had a wonderful evening, as I hope you did as well, and I look forward to seeing you soon”.

So get your confidence on and start believing in possibilities. Remember confidence has nothing to do with your looks but everything to do with your attitude.

Just keeping it real!

Dating Standards: First Date Deal Breakers #7- Let’s Talk About SEX

2011-12-20T17:28:00.000-08:00

I once had a gentleman comment to me that most guys won’t go to bed with just anyone, if he wants to discuss sex right away is because he desires you and that should be a compliment to women. What is wrong with this statement? Maybe the fact that desiring doesn’t translate to wanting a relationship, just wanting sex and if he enjoys it maybe just maybe he will stick around for more. I would normally address the following to the ladies but I have to also include the men, because believe it or not there are many true gentlemen who don’t want to be used just for sex and wish to have an authentic relationship. So guys and gals don’t buy into the six pack and the hot looks, if that’s all a person is selling it’s because that’s all they have to offer and nothing more.

Discussing sex in a relationship is natural and healthy when the time is right and appropriate….. If you need to be reminded of the golden rule: “NO SEX before monogamy”. Having all discussions lead into sexual connotations is a clear indication of a person’s intention. Banking on the idea that they will in time develop true emotions for you and lead into a monogamous relationship is a big gamble that can result in disappointment and heartache. Remember only allow what you are willing to accept. Stick to your moral virtue and don’t compromise for no one, the last thing you want is to give in by emotional default and wake to have regrets. By human nature men are hunters and once they catch their prey and have feasted, they will move on to the next project; unless you allow time for emotional investment, then it becomes a wanted desired relationship.

The following are some clear indications that he may just not be ready for nothing more than a roll in the hay:

You haven’t had a first date and they are sending and/or requesting provocative pictures.
Shows no interest in wanting to find out about you and is too busy selling himself and his gadgets.
His swagger is too pristine. A player knows how to go in for the kill without flaw and it starts with the direct eye contact. A guy, who is interested in you, for more than just the sex, will be slightly off key and nervously fumble his words.
Refuses or avoids discussing personal matters or serious topics.
He turns into an octopus on the first date. No cares for the impression he is leaving with you, why would he, he just wants to hit it and quit it!
No phone call after sex on a first date. Don’t kid yourself to believe he is just being shy or playing hard to get. Just means he is done and got what he needed.

So buyer beware, take a good look at what is being sold to you!

Just Keeping it Real!

Dating Standards: First Date Deal Breakers #6- Drinking on a First Date

2011-12-16T16:15:00.000-08:00

You really like this guy and thus far from every conversation you have had, along with his endearing smile and personality, you see a glimpse of romance upon the horizon. The big date night arrives along with the chains of nerves, but no worries one drink will loosen everything up and unlock the free spirited socialite in you. As the evening progresses so does the number of drinks you pound, from one, then two and you go for the gold and polish the night with four fuzzy navel cocktails, unfortunately the only thing that is fuzzy are the words that are slurring out of your mouth; fortunately your date is polite enough to babysit you to soberness .

What do you think the chances are for a second date? If he holds high standards for himself, the answer is no way in hell; you just triggered the Red Flag Alert button….Eject! Eject! Eject!

The drinking rule on a first date should always be: 2 drink limit, whether you have a high tolerance for alcohol or not and even then stick to less concentrated drinks, such as beer or wine. The impression you give your date should always be that of classy, respectful and a positive confident woman. If you really like this guy the last thing you want is to reflect that of a drunken drama queen.

A man will always treat a woman based on how she carries herself, if you want him to respect you then you need to act respectful and always be mindful of the risk factors involved when you compromise your ability to make sober decisions. The last thing you want in an unplanned pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease or worse an uninvited sexual advance.

So whether your a male or a female, over consumption of alcohol on a first date never compliments an initial impression. Know your limits and date responsibly!

Just Keeping it Real!

Dating Standards: First Date Deal Breakers #5- Being Broke is no Joke!

2011-12-12T23:20:00.000-08:00

It is understandable that times are difficult and almost every other person living in this planet is being impacted, one form or another, by a downward financial economy. We all have had to make significant adjustments to our formerly opulent lifestyles. A daily Starbucks is a thing of the past, now if we are lucky if we can treat ourselves to a tall latte on the weekends. But with that said, there is no excuse for not having enough money to cover for your dating expenses. Under no circumstance what so ever should you ever ask your date to assist you with a few bucks. Yes we all know dating is not cheap, but if you focus your attention and narrow down your list of potential suitors to your top two, you can have a few great dates instead of many cheap dates; remember it’s about quality not quantity. Your chance for scoring that second date will increase significantly.

Plan your dates accordingly to your budget. There are several creative date ideas that are romantic and cost effective; she will be more impressed by the effort then the fatness of the bill amount. The following are some cheap daters do’s and don’ts to keep yourself #1 on her list:

DO NOT ask her to drive out to meet you. A true gentleman always offers to drive out to her area of residence, unless she makes the suggestion to meet you half ways; let it come from her and even then wait till at least a few dates to consider.
DO NOT ponder at the bill when it arrives. Keep all the moaning and groaning to yourself. Always, always, always have a plan B; just in case you come up short on funds.
DO NOT ask her to split the bill with you, even if the date has gone sour. Just suck it up and keep your badge of honor.
Always tip generously, show her you’re not frugal and you have an appreciation for customer service.
Show up with a gift on your first date. Doesn’t have to be anything elaborate, best things in life are free; a rose from your garden, a card with your own special poem, a recycled book you enjoyed reading and now you want to share it with her, or a cupcake to indulge her sweet side. A thoughtful gift will always melt her heart away.
If you want to go that extra mile, pay for her valet and tip on her behalf. Classy move!

The following are some inexpensive date ideas that will score high marks with your date:

Wine and dessert on the beach.
A picnic at the park.
A visit to a local museum.
A walk through your local botanical gardens.
Cook her a romantic dinner.

Just remember you don’t have to be rich to find the girl of your dreams just a little flair of creativity.

Just Keeping it Real!

Dating Standards: First Date Deal Breakers #4- Distractions, Distractions, Distractions

2011-12-10T16:45:00.000-08:00

Competition belongs on the sports field, not on a first date!

The theory of dating, especially your first date, is taking quality one-on-one time to get to know your date in a more personal manner that will hopefully infuse an appeal for more. Your attitude and behavior should always reflect attentiveness, politeness and graciousness whether the sparks are there or not; shows great character on your behalf. Always leave an impression of “WOW, now that was a great person”!

There is nothing more distasteful than spending an evening with an individual that suffers from “DDD”, Dating Distraction Disorder. A condition that plagues many single Americans with grave symptoms ranging from lack of focus on your date and more on every other person passing you by and lack of conversation but able to text a book to who knows whom. Allowing distractions to keep you from engaging with your date can speak volumes for your intent and misinterpret your character as; indecisive, disrespectful, unavailable, player like mentality and insecure. If your buddies suggested it as a great game tactic to keep your date wanting more, well they lied to you and are full of crap! A true person of substance will not permit or behave in such a manner.

Quick tips for curing your “DDD” (Dating Distraction Disorder)

No matter how hot that person is walking by you never look, make your date feel like they are the only person your eyes see.
No texting what so ever. If you must, then excuse yourself to the restroom and finish your business in a timely manner.
Throughout the date reiterate some of your date’s interest or conversations to show attentiveness and interest.

Most importantly, always remember to treat others as you would want to be treated.

Just Keeping it Real.

Dating Standards: Deal Breaker #3-No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service!

2011-12-04T21:54:00.000-08:00

Have you ever walked up to an establishment and notice the sign on the front window that read, “No shoes, no shirt, no service”? Reputable establishments need to uphold a certain standard as it reflects their quality of service; would you revisit a restaurant that allowed customers to dine shirtless or barefooted? More than likely not! Corns belong on plates not on feet.

The same principle applies to your dress code and hygiene when venturing into the dating world, giving the first impression is everything. People are hardwired to have initial attraction by what we see visually and the rest will eventually follow suit. You don’t have to be the best looking guy or gal but if you polish yourself up nicely, you will have a great if not better chance than the attractive individual who presents themselves frumpy and grimy.

I received an email from a reader who asked me if he was being to callous for not wanting to share a second date with a woman who had issues with bad breath. He went on to describe the great commonalities between them, which only made his dislike even more questionable to accept.

Being that it was only their first date, he felt uncomfortable with addressing the issue of her bad breathe and rightfully so. If there are invested emotions and you really enjoy this person, then yes be upfront and address your concern in a very caring manner; approach it with sensitivity they could be dealing with a medical condition. If all the elements are there, don’t pass up a chance at true love for an issue that could possibly be corrected with a splash of Listerine or a visit to the dentist. Telling someone on a first date that their breath is foul can be hurtful and misread as “just not into you”, especially if you know there is no chance for a second date.

The following are some tips to help you look your best on your first date, Remember if you want the best then be your best:

Shower and shave; ladies you too, pluck those chin hairs.
Wear a nice cologne/perfume, and not the whole bottle!

Top three colognes for men: Hannna Mori, Gucci Envy, or Eternity by Calvin Klien
Top three perfumes for women: Angel. Flower Bomb or Channel No 5

Tight is out tailored is in.
Don’t show too much skin, just enough to look sexy and classy but leave an element of mystery.
Brush your teeth, floss and have your listermint strips on hand.
No holes, stains or wrinkles.
No sweat shirts or pants, unless your date is at the gym.
Most importantly, dress appropriately for your date. If you’re going to a sporting event don’t wear a cocktail dress with 5 inch stilettos.

So remember to always look your best, it will let your date know that they were worth making that extra effort.

Just Keeping it Real!

Dating Standards: First Date Deal Breakers #2- "Talking About the Ex"

2011-11-30T22:06:00.000-08:00

A person “Relationship Resume” is a direct reflection of where they have been, where they are now and where they are going. Undoubtedly asking about your dates most recent break-up experience will provide you with a more in depth understanding of their relationship preferences and emotional availability. Knowing what is appropriate to ask and when to stop talking about the “ex” are key factors to successful dating. Remember less is better, over cooking the “ex “talk can burn the date to a crisp!

Ideally the only two questions that should be entertained are: How long has it been since your last relationship? And what caused the break-up?, Anything more than that can create awkward tension and possibly derail your chances for a second date. Knowing how long since your date’s last relationship can determine emotional availability; rebound relationships stem from getting involved to quick too soon and not allowing time to properly heal emotional wounds. As equally important is asking the root of the cause in a failed relationship, emotional maturity is cultivated through accountability and we all know it takes two to tango! The hope is that one would improve at their faults to avoid making the same mistake twice.

It is understandable that not all break-ups result in a fairy tale ending, but if one uses derogatory terms such as; psycho, bitch, whore, asshole etc…. to reference the ex, it can suggest unresolved emotions or bitterness. And bitter souls are incapable of loving unconditionally.

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER under any circumstance, compare your ex to your date, it is distasteful and again another indicator that you are still harboring unresolved feelings.

So keep it brief, to the point, and respectful and your date will be admire the great character you displayed.

We will discuss remaining friends with the ex at a later blog….a whole discussion in its own.

Just Keeping it Real!

Dating Standards: First Date Deal Breakers #1- Preparedness

2011-11-28T18:29:00.000-08:00

You only have once chance to make a first impression so make it a great one and be prepared. Would you be fashionable late to a job interview? Never! So the same principles should apply when dating. It is understandable that certain unplanned circumstances can occur such as; flat tire, heavy traffic, lost keys etc..... So plan ahead and give yourself an additional lead-way. Always be courteous of your date's time and give them at least 30-60 minutes advance notice of your delay. Be specific and realistic, if you say you're running 15 minutes late, then don't show up 30 minutes later thinking it's acceptable since you gave previous notice. Remember communication is everything, anything can be disregarded; it's not the action that is measured but how you choose to deal with the situation at hand. The key to scoring that second date is by showing great character!

On the other side of the coin is the Fault Finder, in which no matter how much effort you put into your apologies, they will shred you to pieces and keep going and going and going.

I had a reader share his story of a first date experience where he mistakenly showed up at the wrong location for a first date. He was very apologetic and communicated with her all the way through to the intended location; arriving 10 minutes later. His date proceeded to reprimand him for over 20 minutes and refused to let it go, continuously bring it up throughout the evening. Red Flag Alert, if you cannot be compassionate and understanding in this circumstance, well more than likely the real life relationship issues will be dealt with much disappointment and frustration.

So be prepared, forecast ahead of time and plan for unforeseen delays.

Just Keeping it Real!

Dating Standards: Communicating through Technology

2011-11-23T21:55:00.000-08:00

I am always mystified to how we as a society ever managed to accomplish life details without the modern conveniences of communication technology as we see it today. And now with just a click of a button we can speak and view our loved ones on a computer screen from across the country, or relate information to the masses at an instant. The ability to communicate and access information on a dime has undoubtedly made living much easier and our time much more efficient. And even though modern technology has revolutionized the way we connect to the world, it is not the catalyst to building or maintaining relationships.

Communication is rooted on human interaction and when disengaged from physical connection, intended interpretation can be distorted. Studies have shown that a significant amount of communication is non-verbal. facial expressions, voice tone and body language all correspond to interpret a person's true emotion. We can easily fall into the trap of becoming lazy communicators as a result of the conveniences in texting, emailing, IM and all those great finger talking gadgets. To build successful relationships we need to communicate effectively and at the same time set our standards for how we choose others to communicate with us. The Rule of Thumb should be: Texting is for relating logistical information or relating basic information only and not for carrying conversations. For example; "The cafe is located in the City of Orange:, or "Thank you for dinner had a wonderful evening, hope to see you soon".

I received an email from a reader who had a 2 year relationship with a partner who insisted on texting 80% of their conversations. After some time and with the obvious that a pattern had been developed, she started purposely not responding and calling him right back. To her dismay, he would not pick up the calls, then respond once again with just the texting. As time passed and the behavior continued, her frustrations mounted and grew into mistrust. She came to discover that her partner of two years was married; a relationship developed out of lies and deception. Had she developed firm standards for herself early in the relationship, she would have discovered his deceptive nature immediately.

The following are texting etiquette tips when dating and/or developing a healthy relationship:

(1) Your first conversation should not be over texting, unless you are introducing yourself and arranging an available time to call.

(2) Dating arrangements should NEVER be made via texting, unless you would like to express a thought related to your upcoming date such as; "Looking forward to seeing you tonight".

(3) When texting your messages make them short and clear in thought. One mistyped or missing word can change your intended meaning, especially when under the influence of liquid courage, you may wake the next morning to regret letting your fingers do the talking.

(4) No SEXTING before monogamy!

(5) NEVER express an emotion or a relationship quarrel over texting; avoid formalities for they should be properly handled in person. Be classy!

(6) Under no circumstance what so ever should you ever break off a relationship via texting, facebook, email, IM or any other form of electronic communication.

Most importantly, if your partner is only available to you through texting, I suggest you check your "Red Flag" detection meter.

Just Keeping it Real!

Dating Standards: Asking the Right Questions to Get the Right Partner

2011-11-19T13:27:00.000-08:00

I received a letter from this gentleman, and out of respect for his confidentiality, we will call him “Bob”. Bob went on to share his story of how he thought he had finally met the girl of his dreams. She was smart, beautiful and available. After about 4 months of courtship and a relationship that was on its natural course of progression, Bob felt it was time to share his deep sentiments with his girlfriend and he set forward to tell her that he loved her. That big day came and Bob orchestrated the perfect romantic setting for his declaration of love. When he finally said those three most powerful words in the universe, she nervously minimized the moment and not to mention his emotions, and said “you’re too sweet”. She tried to divert the conversation by quickly going into another unrelated subject; Bob stopped her and asked, “Did you just hear what I just said to you”? And she answered him, “I am not ready to talk about that right now”. Bob was devastated but remained calm and subdued with his emotions, he knew at that moment that things were not as he had hoped for.

It turned out that Bob’s girlfriend although she was physically available, she was not emotionally available. Prior to meeting Bob, it had only been a few months that she had ended her previous long term relationship. When Bob would ask about her past relationship, she would always tell him that it was irrelevant to them and the only thing that mattered was their future together.

Asking the right questions can be the key to avoiding potential heartbreak as the one that Bob had to unfortunately experience. Equally as important is your partner’s willingness to discuss their past relationship; if at most, when it ended and why? If they are reluctant in sharing, this can be a definite sign that there might be some unresolved emotions, hindering their ability to love wholeheartedly. Same can be said for speaking negatively about your ex. Part of emotional maturity is taking accountability for your actions that contributed to a failed relationship; how else can you possibly avoid from making the same mistakes twice?

Had Bob known that her last relationship had just ended prior to meeting him, he would have been able to make a better judgment of her emotional availability. Bob, without even knowing it, had become the “Rebound Guy”.

The following are some basic questions you can ask to determine someone’s emotional availability. Please be mindful when asking that they are streamlined into a casual conversation and not into an interrogation session, nobody wants to feel like they are on the hot seat; Remember there are no right or wrong answers. It is not your job to correct, just listen attentively and use your better judgment to determine availability and compatibility.

Have you ever been married?

How long has it been since your divorce?

When did your last relationship end?

What ended the relationship?

Do you want to get married again?

If not, then what are you looking for?

As communication continues you can slowly integrate all those other relevant questions into your conversations. Remember, the purpose or dating is to get to know someone in a fun and respectful manner that promotes “possibilities”.

Just Keeping it Real!

Dating Standards: Before You Say Yes To The Date!

2011-11-17T15:10:00.000-08:00

You’re sitting at dinner with your BFF and at the corner of your eye you catch the glance of a very handsome man. You lock eyes for a brief moment and your heart flutters with excitement. Within seconds your overwhelmed with a cocktail of emotions, thankfully the one that is connected to your rationality is keeping you from looking like a foolish teenager and you remain in your cool. He makes his calculated move and slowly with a masculine and confident approach he hands you his number and says, “I would be honored if you would accept a dinner invitation?” You slowly roll your tongue back up from the floor and gain enough breath to say, “I will call you”. You wait for him to exit the building, then you do the; “omg, omg, omg” celebration dance.

The big question now becomes, should I ask him the compatibility questions? Or should I just go on the date and ask questions later?

The answer should be a personal choice based on what it is exactly that you seek in a relationship. One of my close childhood friends, Joseph, made a comment to me that he has accepted the fact that he will never find the right girl and grow to be the ultimate senior bachelor. I asked him, “Well what have you been looking for?” and he proceeded to give me a laundry list of physical attributes. He is clear in his standards but the big mistake he has been making is allowing the physical attraction to take the lead, therefore compromising all his standards for the trophy girlfriend.

Undoubtedly chemistry is the initial ingredient required to start the courtship but what is required to start a relationship is compatibility and to maintain a healthy relationship is commonalities in traits, values, goals, emotional drives and beliefs.

So if the goal is to find a life partner, then I suggest you ask the questions first and save yourself a lot of time, money and heartache.

Just keeping it Real!

What are your Dating Standards?

2011-11-15T14:00:00.000-08:00

Standards are vital to dating; they are the foundation to finding your compatible mate. Standards are what you require in a partner based on your emotional, physical and mental needs. They are the sounding board to your initial judgment, hardwiring your gut instincts to alert you of “deal breakers” approaching. Without them all your dating experiences will fall upon disappointment, thus leading into frustration and just giving up on finding love all together.

Before we begin taking an inventory of your required standards let’s not mistake them for expectations, for they are different in nature and can be road blocks if not able to differentiate between the two. Not all expectations are healthy or make common sense and can mirror a person as being unrealistic or too demanding. Standards can develop over time, but they usually remain very consistent. Expectations are different in that they can change over time or even overnight and be individualized. The goal is to enter into a relationship with your ideal standards and with no expectations.

Ok with that said now let’s get down to the nitty gritty. Ask yourself the following questions in determining what you want from your ideal partner:

What are their spiritual beliefs?

What are their political views?

What are their cultural interests?

What is their level of education?

What is their financial stability?

What is their relationship with their family?

Do they have any unhealthy habits?

What are their exercise and fitness goals?

Do they have or want more children?

And the list can go on; it all depends on what is important to you. Just be cautious of setting standards so high that it becomes nearly impossible to find a compatible match. Best way to check your inventory list is by asking yourself, “Are you of equal yolk?” In other words don't expect a Mercedes when your a Yugo!

What are some of your standards in an ideal partner?

Just Keeping it Real!

Dating Standards: How Your Actions Define Your Character

2011-11-13T22:12:00.000-08:00

Remember that classic phrase; “Actions speak louder than words”, well the same is to be said in the culture of dating. “Our actions define who we are. They are the footprints to our hearts”- Author unknown

Your actions, not your intentions or words, are what define your character. And character gauges ones capability to love, the foundation to any healthy relationship.

It is through our actions that we determine the standards to which people will interact with us. If you raise the bar high, you will in return attract quality suitors worthy of being relationship material. A dear friend of mine tried online dating and after a few failed attempts she started to give up hope in finding her compatible match.

Her main complaint was the quality of men she was encountering. After reviewing her profile I quickly determined what she was doing wrong. Although her written statement was clear and represented her core values and standards, unfortunately her pictures told another story. Almost every pic looked like a photo shoot spread for playboy magazine. What did she expect? She was portraying herself as a sexual object to be devoured by the next willing participant.

If you want to be treated with respect than act classy, if you want monogamy before sex than don’t allow yourself to get groped on the first date. Remember your actions will determine the image you want people to portray of you. The best way to turn someone off is by giving mixed messages, and who wants to be called fake. A person of character, “talks the talk, walks the walk”.

What are some mixed messages you have encountered from a potential prospect?

Just keeping it real!

Ready to Date: Defining What You Want in a Relationship!

2011-11-11T17:50:00.000-08:00

Do you ever find yourself saying, “I don’t like the person I have become in this relationship”? Or better yet, “She/he is just not the same person that I first met”. And although people do change throughout the course of their lifetime the one thing that remains the same are your core values. They represent who you are and what you need. Not to misrepresent what you are picky about, but what are your non-negotiable deal breakers. Preferring to date an individual with specific hair color is picky; choosing not to date someone out of your religious beliefs is a deal breaker. They are the markers for compatibility with your life-long partner; they form the strong bond of commitment and respect.

The key to finding that right person requires the simple task of getting to know and understand yourself first before venturing into exploring someone else. Having a clear understanding of what your needs are in a relationship will mold the footsteps into the right direction in finding a compatible partner. The same should be said in dating someone who knows what they want out of a relationship. If your partner is unsure of what they want or need from you in a relationship, then more than likely they are emotionally unavailable to love unconditionally. Healthy relationships are based on mutual love and respect; grounded on compatible core values.

Your core values are an essential part of making life decisions, such as choosing to have children or religious preferences. Discussing your relationship needs should be negotiated beforehand, throughout the courtship period and not well into a committed relationship. In doing so, you can better establish a solid foundation for a long-term healthy relationship and possibly avoid unwanted heartaches or a bitter divorce. More than often, relationships fail due to lack of mutual conformity to ones traditional cores and values.

So take an inventory and define your core values, understand what your emotional needs are and identify your love pattern (I suggest you read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman).

Now most importantly, DO NOT compromise your core values. There is nothing sexier than a man or a woman who knows exactly what they want.

Keeping it Real!

When to Start Dating After A Break-Up

2011-11-10T14:36:00.000-08:00

There is no secret formula or specific time frame to start dating after a break-up or divorce. Everyone deals with loss in a different manner and it is only through the process of time that a broken heart can begin to mend. How much time depends on your emotional investment, you might have already been mentally checked out and just now gaining the courage to do something about it; clearly the longer the relationship, the longer the healing process. Whatever the circumstance might be, ask yourself the following questions to aid you in determining if you are ready or not to venture into the dating world:

1. Does your ex occupy your thoughts often?

2. Do you still get emotional, angry or upset when dealing with your ex?

3. Do you find yourself making comparisons of your ex to other individuals?

4. Do you have a burning desire to contact your ex after coming home from a night out with friends or a date?

5. Do you find yourself checking their status on social networks, i.e. facebook, twitters etc…

6. Are you still doing favors for your ex or going out of your way to try to please them?

7. Do you find yourself driving by their place of work or residence?

8. Are you purposely sending “accidental text” in hopes of a reaction?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, more than likely you have not completely healed from the break-up. The feelings and attachments you still have for your ex can negatively impact any new relationship. Unresolved or suppressed emotions of loss can later come back to haunt you, and quite possibly when you least expect it to resurface, manifesting itself in a disguised manner that we don’t often connect the dots to. Prematurely jumping into a new relationship will not solve or heal the feelings of hurt, anger or hate, but manifest only new emotions of frustration, and desperation. That new partner deserves to have the best of you, not the damaged remains.

Be cautious of the relationship hoppers, these are individuals that jump from one relationship to another without any healing breaks in-between. As a result, they will usually display characteristics of being clingy, needy and co-dependent people. A definite red flag and strong indicator that the emotional capacity to love whole heartedly without conditions will be short lived.

So if you must jump into something, jump into a friendship.

Just Keeping it Real!

Introduction

2011-11-09T16:32:00.000-08:00

Part of life is accepting that sometimes relationships don't last forever. Through the process of time and support from family and friends, we learn to heal and adjust to being newly single. In time you find yourself desiring companionship and dabble into the idea of falling in love again.

So now the question becomes, where do I start? What will my ideal relationship look like? Is on-line dating for me? What to say? How to say it? Well I think you get the picture.

It is without a reservation that the evolution of dating rituals has a whole new face. My father would always share stories over the dinner table as to how he would romance my mother with these elaborate elegant dinners then dancing. Now it’s all about the “quick meets”. Thanks to Starbucks and their conveniently every corner locations, setting up a date over coffee has become the most effective way of screening the chemistry meter. But the one thing that remains the same is our expectations.

We date to find that perfect companion. As dating has evolved from that formal planned event to the quick text casual encounter, individuals criteria for selecting our partners have vaguely expanded. Marriage is optional, as is children. Long-term relationship can be defined as 6 month to 1 year.

Adjusting to all these changes can be overwhelming, but what makes it all worth it is being in love with the right partner.

Share your stories of how you see the evolution of dating change throughout the years and what you would like to see preserved.