Dark Mind / Bleeding Heart

New Mommy

2014-11-20T05:50:00.000-08:00

So this post is long over-due, by about a month, but being a new mom makes me quite a busy girl. I had my daughter on Oct. 16th 2014 and she is such an amazing baby. She was very alert right out of the womb, and has proven to be the most opinionated newborn I have ever met. I have helped friends and family members take care of their newborns and she is quite different than they were. I love it! Even though it can make things more challenging at times. Some days I can get things done almost like normal around the house, and other days I can barely get anything done. She has not been feeling well lately, and needs to be comforted with snuggles most of the time. I can't lay her down for a nap on those days, I have to hold her so she can sleep. It started with the 3 week growth spurt (growing pains), and this week she has a bit of a cold. Unfortunately, she is too young for any cold medicine.

I confess I was not fully prepared for the difference between helping someone else with a newborn, and having my own. Pregnancy brain, as it turns out, takes some time to wear off after giving birth. And it's easier to panic when something happens with your own baby that you aren't expecting. Like when she cries and decides to hold her breath. I know to blow in her face, and I do, but it freaks me out so much more than it ever has before. Babies are scary little creatures! I love her so dearly, though. She is the most amazing little being ever.

Pregnancy Update

2014-07-15T13:17:00.004-07:00

I am about 27 weeks along now, and the baby and I are doing great! My boyfriend and I are getting more and more excited as the due date gets closer. I've been prepping the house with more "homey touches" and we continue to grow closer and refine our skills of communication. I had lost all imagination that I would be building a family with someone at this age, and this place in my life, but I am very happy to be wrong :)

Best 3rd Trimester Pregnancy Workout at Home

2014-06-21T16:49:00.001-07:00

Denise Austin: Prenatal Cardio Workout- Fit & Firm Pregnancy

2014-06-21T16:29:00.001-07:00

2014-06-07T12:41:00.000-07:00

The first pic is before. The rest are after.

Pregnant Goth Update

2014-06-07T08:30:00.001-07:00

I am now about 22 weeks along (about 5 months) and people can finally tell I am pregnant by looking at me. I am a petite woman and as much as I could tell, it was hard for others to really tell until the last few weeks. Mostly other women. They kept saying I was so tiny still, barely showing. Compared to the rock-hard abs I am used to, it was quite noticeable to me and my boyfriend. Other guys noticed before the women I know did, lol. I guess women compare pregnant women's bodies to their bodies when they were pregnant. Men notice right away when a woman's physique changes. I will post a picture in another entry. If I can figure out how to transfer the pictures on my phone, I will post a before and after. I am technically challenged, so we will see.

The baby is pretty active as of the last month. I started feeling movement a little before most people do. I am more in tune to what is happening in my body in general, so it doesn't surprise me. It's really cool and very strange to feel a little life moving in my belly. I find out on Thursday if it's a boy or girl. Whichever it is, my little one responds to my voice already. And to her father's presence when we cuddle. It's amazing. Weird. I said she. Before this month, I kept saying "he" when I accidentally applied a pronoun. I have been pretty sure it's a boy, but the way I am carrying now looks more like a girl. If any women read this, I am pretty sure they will understand what I mean.

That is all I have to share for now. Thank you for reading :)

Same Dark Soul, New Nurturing Mind

2014-05-06T22:04:00.001-07:00

Hello blogger land! I haven't had anything to write about for quite some time now. Life was simply taking it's course, and I think a break from writing was good for me. You will find that my mindset is quite different now. I am in a relationship that is going well so far, and seems to be serious. In fact, I am expecting a baby. Strange concept for me. Exciting, though. I am 17 weeks along and feeling much more alive than I did in the first trimester. I was sick a lot. Not nearly as sick as other women in my family got during pregnancy, though. So I am thankful for that. The sick I felt was bad enough. And I worked through most of it. I only called in to work a few times, though I felt like calling in every day.

It's very profound what being pregnant does to a dark soul. I live for this tiny being growing inside of me. To protect it at all costs. The only thing that matters as much to me is the love between me and my boyfriend, and preserving it. The tigress in me comes out stronger than ever when it comes to my new little family. I have gone from hating everyone and everything, to having an inextinguishable love for the few I hold dear to my heart. My life revolves around being everything they need, and they are everything I need.

Long Lost Me

2014-01-12T13:01:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone! I thought I should let you know I am still alive, and doing pretty well. Thus the reason I have not been writing. I can't write about things that I want to keep in my life. Things that are going well. Plus, my best writing is my darkest, lol. Sadly, that means I may not write much in this blog ever again. It's good, just sad that I won't be writing. New chapters are typically bitter-sweet to begin with. Maybe someday I will figure out how to write about the good stuff without it disappearing.

XOXOX,
Lexi

In Search of a Key

2013-08-26T10:08:00.001-07:00

In my observation and experience, writers derive inspiration from someplace personal to them, and have their own unique reasons for writing. I have two different, and very basic reasons I decide to write something. The first is to banish all the hate that floods my mind and heart when something in life thrusts me into a dark place The second is to document a good feeling before it vanishes.

If you notice, my primary reason for writing is to banish my current thought processes. Lay them to rest. When I did all of my writing with paper and ink, I burned most things I wrote. This is a very cleansing process. Freeing my mind of clutter, and my heart of poison.

Subconsciously, I have always been aware that any personal writing I do is a cleansing process. It just never fully occurred to me that something needs to change when writing about things I want to keep in my life. Specifically, relationships I want to stay in my life. So for now, no more writing about my personal life. I need to find the key to writing about feelings I want to keep, rather than banish.

Impressive!

2013-08-26T09:34:00.002-07:00

Wow, thanks guys! 1025 page views! I don't know who is reading because you all are so quiet, but I appreciate you stopping by!

XOXO,
Lexi Adams

I Know My Heart

2013-08-18T12:38:00.001-07:00

There are times in life that you meet someone who should technically be right for you, but your heart doesn't feel the passion it needs to fall in love. If I feel like a connection is unequally felt on my side or the other side, I won't pursue a relationship. It just isn't fair in anyway. I have been the one to have deeper feelings, and I have other times been the one who just wasn't in it wholeheartedly. As soon as I realize it, I try to work on it first, then I call it quits. You can't make your heart bleed if it doesn't want to.

When I love someone, I will do anything in my power to be with them. I expect the same from them, in return. If I start noticing that I don't feel the way I should about someone in view of where the relationship is moving (whether it be forward or backward), I say something. Typically, there is some defensive feedback, but I feel it is better to be honest and look at things realistically. There isn't always a way to fix a relationship, even if you want to. You can't change how you feel just because you don't want to hurt someone you care for. If your feelings don't match theirs, it is best to end it.

I want to find a love that is strong and mutual. My heart needs to burn for that person, and know that their heart burns for me, as well. Love is not complacent, and will not settle. It is made up of desire, passion, devotion, affection, and understanding. If any one of these components is missing, it isn't love you are feeling. There is a difference in longing for companionship, and longing for the one you love. Longing for companionship can make you think you love someone simply because you are no longer alone. Sooner or later it becomes apparent that it is not the person you long for, but the companionship. Longing for the one you love drives you absolutely insane until you are reunited with them. This is why long distance relationships never last long. You can either remedy the problem by moving to be together, or you can end the relationship.

They say love makes you blind. That can be true, but loneliness makes you even more blind. When your main goal in life is to find your soulmate, it can make your heart desperate. I have learned this lesson the hard way. I am not good at being alone, and I have made some questionable choices because of it.

I know my heart, and what it wants. I won't settle until I find it, and it feels like magic.

Things Are Looking Up!!!

2013-08-08T18:46:00.000-07:00

Guess what!?!?! I have a job! I start Monday, full time, as part of the QA team at a cabinetry place! I am beyond excited! A bit overwhelmed going directly into full time, but it's the perfect job for me, so I couldn't say no!

The Whirlwind We Call Life

2013-07-29T12:59:00.000-07:00

So I haven't been in a writing mood lately. Life has been getting busier, which means more interactions with live human beings, and more ventures outside of the house. Not really my favorite thing, but I really want a job, so I have to deal with it. I was doing all too well dealing with my anxiety during the first half of therapy, and now I am paying for it. The stress has been slowly building to a steamy simmer and hit the boiling point this weekend. I've been putting on a smile and keeping a relatively composed appearance on the exterior, while inside there has been a lot of screaming, tears, and panic.

I may have failed to mention before that I am in therapy. Sorry about that. This is something I decided would be beneficial and necessary in the pursuit of finding a job, and hopefully, keeping it for a normal period of time. I'm not even sure what that means, but I do know that I have trouble holding down a job. Anxiety inevitably strikes, igniting stress and depression, and then I turn into a completely different person. One who would rather hide from everything and everyone and not deal with anything at all.

I have a fear of failure and rejection, so I quit jobs, rather than staying until things escalate and then I get fired. Now, I realize that functioning humans would figure out a way to address the issues and resolve them, thus staying employed at the job they enjoy overall. Unfortunately, I do not have the mental clarity to do that when I am feeling emotionally drained. My mind turns into a distorted mirror of everything and everyone in my life at that time. I will either over-think everything, or not think it through at all.

Okay, venting done. :) Thanks for reading.

Epic 2nd Date

2013-07-07T12:37:00.001-07:00

Those who know me, know that I have been on and off dating sites for three years now. Making it to a second date in the online dating world is the first level of acceptance. It means that the first date/meeting went well enough to confirm at least mild interest.

That being said, I have been talking to a guy who is my perfect match "on paper" (funny, because I miss using paper more, being a writer) and we have a feeling that we are meant for each other. On our first date/meeting, it was a beautiful, sunny day in the park. Literally. We spent the day in the park. The only trouble was that this beautiful day was setting off my allergies in the worst way. Not pretty. So the fact that this guy even wanted to see me again says a lot about his character.

I didn't even know if I wanted a second date. Not because I didn't like him. I just wasn't feeling it. The spark I was expecting wasn't there. I know what you are thinking: "Duh girl! Of course you weren't feeling it! Your allergies were killing you! That has nothing to do with Dream Guy!" You're right. It doesn't. I guess I'm just used to things not working out, so I automatically conclude that it's the beginning of the end when anything goes wrong.

In spite of an allergy-filled first date, Dream Guy is still interested in seeing me. Wow, okay! Something else I should mention, is that Dream Guy lives in Bend, OR. I live in Springfield, OR. He drove all that way to see me. I realize that for some people, that is a normal commute to work. Those people are crazy. We are not those people.

Now we start trying to figure out when we will see each other again. This is a little tricky, since I am living with family and looking for work still. I can't just invite him to my place for the weekend, so he either has to stay in a hotel, or find a campsite. Camping is cheaper, and it's that time of the year, so camping it is. Anyone who has ever talked to me or read one of my profiles most likely knows that camping is not my thing. I am a nerd in the form of the Gothic girl next door. O.C.D. and camping don't really mix well. Not to mention that I look and feel like a troll when I am camping. Yes, I have gone camping before. I just don't like it. My family is big on outdoorsy stuff, and the friends I had growing up loved camping too. I am the odd one. (You had to see that coming. I'm nerdy and Gothic.)

So, how did spending the weekend doing something I don't like turn out to be epic? It turns out the saying is true: "Doesn't matter what where we are, or what we are doing, as long as I'm with you." That is how you know you are spending time with the right person. Dream Guy found a great camping spot overlooking the lake. In the dark, no less. He set out the night before to find a spot for us before he came to get me. (I don't drive, by the way. Turns out anxiety attacks are hazardous while driving.)

Anyway, I can't believe I am saying this, but, if you really want to know if you have found the one, go camping with them. Seriously. Even if you hate camping, it's the quickest way to find out if you have good coping skills as a couple. There's the long drives to get anywhere, the problem solving, the lack of anything to do besides talk and try to find a place to hike, and if the two of you can wake up next to each other on a camping trip and smile, you've found a keeper. Trust me on this. I am not a morning person, but waking up next to Dream Guy, even though we were camping, made me happy. I didn't even have coffee. Campfire coffee isn't the same, so hot cocoa was as close as we got.

I must say that there are a few things I have always liked about camping. Hiking, fresh air, the view, and campfire food. Campfire food is delicious. It's like extreme grilling. Of course, since this is my Dream Guy we are talking about and I love to cook, he is great at cooking and knows how to work a campfire. I know! He was literally made-to-order, right!?! One dream guy with an extra side of perfection, just as ordered. To anyone who has ever said my standards where too high, or unrealistic: The joke's on you. I have always known what I wanted, and wasn't going to settle for less. I have tried, but every failed relationship only confirmed that I needed to keep searching for what I really want and need in a relationship. All of the waiting and searching has finally paid off.

This 2nd date was truly epic for the fact that I enjoyed being with Dream Guy while simultaneously not enjoying camping. I got to see how his mind works, how patient he is, how resourceful he is, and how cuddly and understanding he is. All in a few crazy camping nights. I wouldn't have learned the same things from spending the weekend in a hotel with him. That is what made it an epic 2nd date.

Thinking Out Loud: What Has Parenting Come To?

2013-06-23T14:16:00.001-07:00

I think they should do a comparison study of the thought processes, personal and intellectual growth, emotional well being, and overall quality of life of people who grew up with loving parents, some with different priorities than the others. Half of them raised on technology, and the other half raised on imagination. The techy group would represent today's kids who are practically born with an iPad in hand. The dreamer group would represent the time before when children didn't compete with adults for gaming time on facebook.

I think my generation was the last one who had the organic experience of learning to get along with your siblings through building lego cities, having to share the Tonka Trucks in the sandbox, playing tag with the neighbor kids, and cleaning up after our own toy messes. I can not pretend to understand why the majority of us decided that having to develop our imaginations as kids was such a bad thing, and that it would be better to let children run the house, and let technology shape our children.

I happen to be a rare deviant of my generation. I didn't sleep around in high school, wind up pregnant, and have a shot-gun wedding. In fact, I waited to give my virginity away until my early 20s, never had kids of my own, and have yet to find prince charming and get married. I like to learn from the mistakes of those around me. It saves me from staying in situations I am not happy with that have very little potential for changing.

I feel like parents these days are too worried about being their child's best friend or having their "me" time to be real parents. This results in the heathens we as a society have to deal with in real life. These kids are taking the bus by themselves at an early age, haven't been taught that "no" actually means "no", please and thank you are rare, and they rely on "their" cellphones before they can even interact with humans properly.

When and why did it become acceptable to let technology raise children? It's bad enough that so many people rely on nannies, babysitters, their parents, their siblings, or a daycare to raise their children! I realize that the economy is bad, but if you can't afford a family DON'T START A FAMILY! If you don't want kids, don't like them, or don't have the time for them, DON"T HAVE KIDS! If you can't write out a budget and stick too it, don't have your priorities straight, or still have the attitude, "I'm young and want to have fun", you have no business having children!

Your life can not revolve around your job, your hobbies, or your friends if you decide to bring children into this world. True, you need a job to pay the bills, and occasionally, you need some time to relax with other adults. Notice the key words: bills, and occasionally. Focus needs to be placed on things you actually need in day to day life. Healthy food, a safe home, nurturing home life, and structured play time balanced with age appropriate tasks around the home create the best environment for children to thrive.

Where does this strongly stated observation come from? It comes from 32 years of noticing the effects of different family upbringings on all of the children I have known. Starting with people I grew up with, kids I babysat, kids I watched all day while their parents were at work, kids I nannied, and kids I went to school with or encountered in daily life in the real world. I have seen what makes a well rounded kid, versus a spawn of Satan. I have also dated a few people with kids. I've taken mental note of why the behave better for some people and not others. Many times, they behave better for others than their parents. There are the occasional imps that are perfect for their parents, but think it's okay to be a hell raiser when their parents aren't looking.

It seems to me like there are a lot of very intelligent people from my generation, who decided to make really stupid choices in regards to raising children. They are brilliant at doing their jobs, but their children are last on the list of priorities. It is as if having children is cramping their lifestyle. Maybe you should have thought about that before deciding high school would be a great time to start having sex.

Marriage isn't a big deal either, apparently. If they don't like the first one, they can just get a divorce and try it again with someone else. Better yet, they cheat on their families with a younger person. Notice two things about that sentence. 1) When you cheat on your wife or husband, it is not only them you are cheating on if you have children. You are cheating on your family. 2) It is clearly not just men cheating, and more and more women fall for younger men these days. I for one think this is due to the "men" of our generation failing to act like adults. It has left women little choice but to take notice of younger men who act with more maturity and purpose than men our own age or older.

Children see and feel everything their parents do and say. Even more importantly, they notice and are effected by the things they fail to do and say. Children especially notice their parents' interactions with each other, and with them. If you set your kids in front of a television, computer screen, or hand over your phone for them to play with all the time to get them out of your hair, they learn that they can't live with out these items. Life revolves around electronics. They also learn that if they cry or behave badly, they get a reward. They get to play with mommy's or daddy's phone, or they get to watch movies, or play video games.

Typically this also means that when their mommy or daddy are using some kind of electronic, they get to do whatever they want. It's as bad as the parents of the kids I went to school with who were drug addicts or drunks. As long as they got to do what they wanted, they didn't care what their kids were doing.

I know I am not alone in my viewpoint. I have had conversations with people about this very subject. Usually, they are the ones who bring it up. People on the bus of different ages, my mom, people I've talked to on dating sites, people I went on dates with, and people at the store or the mall. It doesn't take a genius to see the effects of different styles of parenting on children, and by extension, society.

Unlocking My Spirit

2013-06-14T11:50:00.003-07:00

Freedom is knowing what you want from life, and not caring what others think as long as you don't hurt their feelings purposely. I am a very compassionate person, and this has been the imprisonment of my spirit since my life began. The metallic bars of my prison were the decisions I based on making others happy, whether it would make me happy or not. The concrete foundation of my prison was love. I feel too deeply for those I care about, without regard to my own needs a lot of times. Lately, I have been changing that imbalance.

Balance is the delicate thread of life. Having everything you want doesn't have anymore power to make you happy than having nothing at all. What makes you happy or unhappy is your mental image of yourself, and by extension, those around you. This is how it is possible for a very poor person to wear a smile and show politeness, while a very rich person can be very bitter, rude, and unfulfilled.

I have seen from my life how this applies to passionate people and free spirits. I have always been very passionate. Everything in my mind was black or white. Good or bad. Love or hate. This translates into my activities as well. I am either really great at something, or I can't do it at all. I realize I changed the tense of my words in the last two sentences. It bothers me, too, but it's true. I am in the middle of a transformation, so naturally, somethings are now past, somethings are in progress, and somethings are still yet to be accomplished. Perhaps even more things are yet to be realized.

One thing I know for sure about life: you never stop learning unless you don't care and have your eyes, ears, and mind closed. Life is all about learning, exploring, experiencing, and solving puzzles. It is an endless adventure with hidden keys that unlock huge gates with mysterious pathways.

The key that I recently found, was perception. Learning to balance my thoughts. If I don't like how things look from one side, try looking at it from the other side. If the standard view doesn't seem right, flip it upside down. Challenge your thoughts if you don't like them. I have been going to therapy for about a month now, and this has been a great help so far. I deal with various forms of anxiety, and that triggers depression, which brings out obsessive compulsive behaviors. Excessive cleaning, organizing, and tidiness.

Sometimes we are too quick to put a negative connotation on situations that don't seem to be going the way that we want them to go. I may have just quoted my therapist :) . It's true, though. I've learned that taking time to weigh evidence for and against your negative thoughts can be very helpful in gaining a new perspective.

Unloved, Unfulfilled, Undead

2013-05-25T13:24:00.002-07:00

I have spent my entire life trying to figure out how to fit in somewhere. Anywhere.

What it takes to be truly loved by someone. Anyone.
My "family" was the first place I learned that nothing I do is right, and trying to convey my feelings about anything is only going to backfire on me. I'm not allowed to have feelings without them getting thrown in my face and turned on me as a weapon. I can't say anything because anything I say, can and WILL be used against me at every remote chance at any given moment 'til the end of time.

There isn't a single person on the face of the planet that I can truly trust. I guess I was born solely for the sadistic amusement of everyone else. To walk through this life in this soulless body with only half a heart and no hope that things will ever get any better.

In case you are wondering: no, I don't have any faith. That was torn away from me when I realized that religious people are the worst hypocrites of all. They live to tear you down and scrutinize your every choice in life. Yet when you realize the things they do behind closed doors, or when no one is looking, they are worse than you and that is why they are so quick to call you out for any little thing.

So here's what I have to say to everybody who has ever been in my life so far: To hell with you! You don't make an effort to notice the good things about me! All you notice is the perceived flaws I have! The mistakes I make! I hate everyone! I hope your life becomes as miserable as you make me feel!

Talking = Negative

2013-04-17T01:45:00.001-07:00

I am not a fan of talking. I try to create open communication in relationships, and it all comes to nothing. Or worse. We talk and suddenly the conversation brings up something negative and it's all down hill from there. I was talking with a family member, and the conversation itself actually went well, but some of the subject matter dug up a ton of negative energy from many aspects of my life. My thoughts and emotions are what follows:

I am tired of being the strong one. I need someone to be strong for me for once. I despise having to always be the reliable one. I resent having to be the one who knows what to do next or nothing will happen at all. I can't always be the one with a plan of action. I am sick of being expected to accept other people's faults and weaknesses, and always being told that I am the one who needs to change. I have to fix the problem. That is what made me decide a long time ago that the best way to fix a problem is to leave. If I am the fucking problem, I will just leave and there will be no problem. Lot of fucking good that does when the same people who make me feel useless and wretched are the ones who keep trying to resurface in my life. I regret being the one who is so willing to help others in anyway I can. Those same people always say that if I ever need them they will be there, but when it comes time to be there, they either aren't, or they make it known it is at great inconvenience and begrudgingly that they do it. I am sick of being invisible unless someone needs something from me. Even when I am asked my opinion or advice, most people don't even listen. Then someone else will say the same thing I just said and they get the credit. What the hell did I do to deserve being treated this way all through life? It's no wonder that I have always felt like the world would be better off without me!

It doesn't matter. It will never change. Thanks for reading my troublesome thoughts. Goodnight.

Realitization

2013-04-10T23:55:00.002-07:00

Sometimes when you're in pain, it's easy to lie to yourself, without even realizing it. Which makes it nothing to lie to the person you love, when you think they don't share the same depth of feeling that you have. Those lies are what convince you that you may have never been in love, in an attempt at protecting your heart from the death that heartbreak can bring.

Revenge

2013-03-28T15:15:00.001-07:00

Note: This is unfinished. I will post the rest when I write it.

She was a broken down fallen angel
Holding just a glimmer of light
Her gentle eyes were stained with permanent tears
And her hopes were quickly fading into sorrow

All the pain building up like a storm in the sky
All the rain comes pouring down like tears on this terrible night

Her heart is broken
Her wounds are open
Nothing in this world is gonna save your life now
Her faith is shaken
Her soul was taken
With nothing left to lose
She will take her revenge out

The lightning flashes down
Piercing the sand
The storm that's raging in her heart
Just getting started
The thunder rumbling out of control
You pray that god forgives your sins
Cause you know she won't anymore

Over It

2013-02-27T23:25:00.001-08:00

There comes a point when all creativity is lost. I have felt the same feelings (or lack there of) for so long, that it really does no good to try and express them. At the end of the day, pain is normal. A numb heart is all I've known. A vague resemblance to a living girl is all I have ever been. I can't pretend anymore. I can't masquerade as a living being any longer. I am empty and lifeless. Incapable of maintaining any kind of human connections. I wish people would stop trying to "fix" me. It isn't possible. If it was, I wouldn't be this way. Just let me exist, and stop trying to lift my hopes only to throw me down again. I'm not a fucking doll.

Confessions of a Gothic Heart

2013-02-21T17:36:00.001-08:00

I awoke this morning with a country song stuck in my head: The Heart Won't Lie by Reba McEntire. (Don't ask how a Goth girl knows that.) I can not pretend I don't know why. There has also been someone on my mind. An ex who is still a friend. We have this habit of giving each other advice, which started before we dated. It's nice to have a sounding board and comforting shoulder. Just thinking out loud . . . . .

Update:

2013-02-13T13:41:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't been writing lately. There isn't really anything gripping enough to write about. My life is at a standstill, it seems. It has been suspended in midair, waiting for some details to fall into place so it can move some place again. I hope everyone has something nice planned for Valentine's Day tomorrow.

XOXO,

Lexi

Thinking Out Loud

2013-01-14T00:23:00.003-08:00

Do you ever feel like you are never going to find what you are looking for? Like you are destined to die alone and unfulfilled? Do you ever feel like you are the only one in the world that has old fashioned values? The only one to notice that common sense is an endangered quality, and marriage is the new dating? Or worse, marriage doesn't hold any value at all. Some view it as simply an unnecessary formality and a piece of paper. I may be cursed and damned, but at least I still have some semblance of values and tradition. Finding a decent partner with such is next to impossible. I find that people who have good qualities about them, aren't ready to settle down, and may not share the same long term goals. Those who share the same goals and want to settle down, lack the qualities that would make them desirable. Just something that has been on my mind.

Random Happy Thought

2013-01-09T15:55:00.001-08:00

I love the curious wonder of being on the verge of feeling more than friendship with someone. I can't say too much, so as not to jinx it, but I will say that I think I've made a friend who may be a good match as well. I've finally grown to hate the feeling of falling for someone too quickly. The feeling ends just as suddenly as it began. It is nice to be in a situation that is low-key and moving slow, but not too slow. It's like driving a stick-shift car, and it feels like it's almost time to switch gears and drive just a little faster.