Darkness Unveiled: The world of domestic violence

New Blog

2012-09-25T16:17:00.002-04:00

I am trying out my blog on wordpress to see if I can reach more people. Please see my page at http://lavenderskyedarknessunveiled.wordpress.com/

XOXO,
Lavender

Domestic Violence on a Global Scale: The Middle East

2012-09-04T16:23:00.001-04:00

Domestic violence poisons all corners of the world reaching every culture and religion. Its prevalence poisons every society. Despite its prevalence, though, it is still not recognized as a crime and is still covered up by those who see it as a personal issue not to be discussed outside of the home. This is as true in Christian homes as it is in Hindu and Muslim homes. Domestic violence is allowed to prevail as long as it is hidden away in the closet under lock and key. Denial and silence are its best friends as they allow this dark secret to hide from the light of awareness. What's more is the people trying to raise awareness especially in specific cultures are criticized and attempts to silence can border on harassment. From here in the United States to India, Muslim countries and the Republic of Congo, victims and advocates can suffer tremendous abuse and even murder for standing up and speaking out, particularly in places like the Congo. Below I discuss the women of the Middle East. I was going to discuss several countries like India and the Congo but this has proven to be a bigger project than I thought so I've decided to cover one at a time.

Inside Islam and the Middle East

Arabic countries such as Afghanistan, Tunisia, Egypt, and Saudi Arabia are well known to be countries are ruled by the laws of Islam and Muslim leaders. They are also known for the widespread problem of wife beatings and women's subservience and subjugation to men. Women in these countries have no rights as they are seen as property of men. A single woman is not allowed in public without an immediate male family member and married women who are seen in public in the accompaniment of a man not her husband or immediate family is punished through violent means. She doesn't even have rights to her own children. They are considered her husband's but not hers. The movie, "Not Without My Daughter," based on a true story, tells the story of an American woman who followed her Iranian born husband over to visit his family and is forced by her husband and his family to stay. When she enlists the help of another American woman trapped in the same situation, she and the woman are both beaten by their husbands, and she is forbidden from speaking with anyone again. His family is even assisting him in his imprisonment of his wife. She learns that even if she was able to leave, Iranian law forbid her to leave w/her daughter and so the attempt to escape with her daughter begins. She is successful in escaping w/her daughter but the movie depicts the entrapment and violence women are forced to suffer in these countries. If you watch the video below it proves the existence of these type laws. Two Afghan women are publicly flogged for running away from their husbands (who they were forced to marry).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&v=E3Za1GcHwKI&NR=1

According to http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12920614 domestic violence in these countries and in the Muslim community is largely ignored and those who do try to fight back, escape, or speak out are severely punished.

In Arab and Islamic countries, domestic violence is not yet considered a major concern despite its increasing frequency and serious consequences. Surveys in Egypt, Palestine, Israel and Tunisia show that at least one out of three women is beaten by her husband. The indifference to this type of violence stems from attitudes that domestic violence is a private matter and, usually, a justifiable response to misbehaviour on the part of the wife. Selective excerpts from the Koran are used to prove that men who beat their wives are following God's commandments. These religious justifications, plus the importance of preserving the honour of the family, lead abusers, victims, police and health care professionals to join in a conspiracy of silence rather than disclosing these offences. However, a fair reading of the Koran shows that wife abuse, like genital mutilation and "honour killings" are a result of culture rather than religion.

One thing to remember when looking at this culture of violence, however, is that (as mentioned above) the Quaran does NOT in any way condone wife beating. It is the Arabic culture not Islam that condones violence. In fact, as the video below proves, Allah condemns wife beatings (the Dr in the video does admit wife beatings occur as a way of "reforming wives").

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfPSN_92v2w

So, my question is if the Quran is against wife beating why is this so prevalent in Muslim countries and why are the radical Muslims like the Taliban the ones who practice this the most? The only thing I can think of is they're passages of the Quran out of context and interpreting them in their own way. Allah does say as a last resort you may hit your wife but means gently as the Dr in the above video says. Allah, apparently, does not mean beatings. Then again, looking throughout history, religious books have been including the Bible even have been used to justify certain heinous activities. For example, the horrors and violence of the Spanish Inquisition, the Witch Hunts of Europe and Salem, and the Klu Klux Klan (KKK) were all done in the name of God and the Bible. One can make a case for anything by taking things out of context.

Another answer to that question can be found by looking into the Muslim belief that women have no rights as also mentioned in the video. Take this belief and the new Islamic Law made up by the Taliban and we have a recipe for violence against women. The Taliban's insanely strict laws force women to wear Burqas and forbid women over the age of 10 from attending school. According to other Muslims, the Taliban have also taken Islamic Law and made it into something completely different, not based on the Quran at all. http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/Islam/2001/05/The-Talibans-Islam.aspx gives more information on this new interpretation of the Taliban.
For more info and statistics on Muslims and domestic violence see:
http://www.apiidv.org/violence/muslimwomen.php
Also from the same website, a poem:

Story of the Unknown Woman
Huma B. Dar

My name is Farah.
I am the one pierced by a dozen bullets
on my mother’s orders
in my lawyer’s office
My sin: I had dared to ask for a divorce.1

My name is Gauhar.
I am the one almost run over
by a truck or is it okay to blame the truck driver?
My crime: my “Otherness” exposed in the land of the free
wearing a shalwar-qameez
for every one to see.2

My name is Sultani.
I am the one who lost count after the rapist number three
or was it number thirty?
Faizan, my months old baby, kept on crying
for hunger
at the sight of my breast cut off
My crime: I am a Muslim
being cleansed,
ethnically.3

My name is Simurgh.
I am the one whose stomach was kicked
child abused and kidnapped by a husband
while his sisters cheered him on
My sin: possession of a voice.
Are voices contraband?
My name is Kausar Bano.
I am the one – nine months pregnant
raped, belly cut open, foetus on trident
both burnt to ashes
My sin: being a Muslim in Gujarat.4

My name is Fatimah.
I am the one whose name and its shadows
Melted and evaporated into oblivion
in the alchemy of fire on nine-eleven
when Hawwa’s strong bones
at the foundation of it all
cried out to be excavated
as once she herself had
through the darkness of the Middle Passage
Our crime: lithe bodies
deemed capable of labor
enslaved and indentured, undocumented, uncounted
marked unmournable.5

1
This case happened, albeit to a victim with another name, in the renowned
Pakistani lawyer, Hina Jilani’s office, in Lahore, Pakistan.
2
From an actual hate-crime in Texas, post 9/11. Name changed.
3
From “The Survivors Speak” – a report of the Gujarat pogrom by the Citizen’s
Initiative, April 2002.
4
Ibid.
My name is Sherbat Gula.
I am the one whose three babies didn’t make it
to age five
in the land of the land-mines
while my burqah was the talk of the town
and my eyes green were labeled “ferocious”
My crime: born close to warm waters
and black gold
I am told.
6
My name is Unknown
I am the one whose burnt face, cut at the nape,
droned, white phosphoresced, or raped
couldn’t tell my charred story
whose name, face or story didn’t make the headlines
in the conspiracy of silence
My crime: they say we are “terrorists”
or too close to some, and thus
“Collaterally” damaged!
I am Unknown, I am Sherbat Gula,
I am Kausar Bano, I am Hawwa and Fatimah,
I am Simurgh, I am Sultani, I am Gauhar, I am Farah.
I am your mother, your aunt, your sister,
I am your neighbor, your friend, your lover,
I am you
Stand with me as I fight for justice
Hold me Embrace me
Reclaim me Honor me
Love me Kiss me
for I am you.
Asian & Pacific Islander Institute on Domestic Violence
450 Sutter Street, Suite 600
San Francisco, CA 94108
First published with the poet’s permission, 2011.

5
A homage to the undocumented people killed on 9/11 and to the unmarked slave
graveyard found beneath the erstwhile Twin Towers.
6
The woman whose face made it twice to the cover of National Geographic,
surrounded by sensational journalism.

Things to think about and remember.

XOXO,
Lavender

Todd Akin "Legitimate Rape"

2012-08-25T20:39:00.004-04:00

Everyone can remember about a week ago Todd Akin, the US Representative from MO made a statement that "legitimate rape" does not cause pregnancy b/c the woman's body has a way of shutting down that process. I feel as if I should say something. I've been holding my thoughts in too long and think people, especially women, especially rape victims, should know that his statement is completely ludicrous and hateful in my opinion. If you missed his comments you can find them @ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M09iWwKiDsA.

The fact is women do get pregnant from being raped, and to say otherwise shows a complete lack of both education and empathy. Doctors he spoke with told him that yes, in fact, rape victims can become pregnant, but its rare. I don't know how he came to the conclusion that women's bodies are biologically incapable of allowing the victim to become pregnant or as he said " “the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Really? Last I checked my ovaries are going to release an egg, and if said egg is fertilized by a sperm it will implant itself into the uterine wall unless I take the "morning after pill" or am on birth control. It's not like the sperm are gonna be like "We're rapist's sperm." How is our egg supposed to know the difference between wanted and unwanted sperm? I mean, really, get a clue. And as for the victims who do end up pregnant? Did their bodies just have a faulty warning system, or maybe, subconsciously, they really wanted it? I mean, if they're dressed a certain way, or flirting, or, God forbid, making out with the guy they wanted it right? The whole no means yes, she was asking for it, she owes me because I took her out to dinner, or any of the number of victim blaming statements aren't victim blaming, right? WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! Rape is rape because it is unwanted sexual contact not because the woman just doesn't know she wants it!!!!! I'm a woman, and I know when I want sex and when I don't. It's not a gray area at all.
RAINN (http://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/was-it-rape) defines Rape and sexual assault as:

Rape is forced sexual intercourse, including vaginal, anal, or oral penetration. Penetration may be by a body part or an object.

Rape victims may be forced through threats or physical means. In about 8 out of 10 rapes, no weapon is used other than physical force. Anyone may be a victim of rape: women, men or children, straight or gay.

Sexual assault is unwanted sexual contact that stops short of rape or attempted rape. This includes sexual touching and fondling. (But, be aware: Some states use this term interchangeably with rape.

Rape also occurs if the victim is asleep or unconscious as they are unable to give consent in these cases. So if a woman gets drunk and blacks out, that is not in any way permission to have sex with her.

The point? A rape victim is not called a rape victim if she wanted to have sex. Rape isn't even about sex. It's about control. If it was about sex it would never happen, and, if it did, it would only happen to beautiful women. The fact is it happens to all women and some men regardless of race, level of attractiveness, or what the victim is wearing. The elderly, disabled, and children can all be victims, too. During a rape and even afterwards (via nightmares, flashbacks, and PTSD) the perpetrator has complete and total control of his victim. Some victims don't even physically resist either because they're scared or in shock. Coercion and threatening are also forms of rape. As stated previously, if a woman doesn't refuse because she is scared it's still rape. This happens a lot in abusive relationships. The woman doesn't want to have sex but is afraid to say no because of the potential consequences. For example, my ex-fiance forced me into having sexual relations (not intercourse but other sexual acts) by taking one of his swords and stabbing the bed I was lying on when I said I wanted to watch a movie instead of doing anything with him. That would be considered sexual assault. I felt like I had to because I was scared he'd do something to me if I refused again. And yes I still struggle with admitting it was sexual assault. Just like many other women in abusive relationships struggle with the knowledge that their boyfriend/husband/fiance is abusive. I've never been raped so I can't relate on that scale, but I can have empathy for the victims, especially those who end up pregnant from their horrific experience. I do not condone abortion but REFUSE to judge rape or incest victims or women who have to choose b/w their own life and that of their child's if they should choose to have an abortion. I have a very good friend who had an abortion when she got pregnant due to a rape, and I still love and respect her. It does not change my opinion of her. I've never been there, therefore can't judge or even say with any kind of certainty I wouldn't do the same thing. And to those women who have kept and raised a baby they got pregnant with by a rape, I have tons and tons of respect for you. It takes an incredible person to be able to do that.

As for statistics regarding the frequency of pregnancies resulting from rape a published study states :

The national rape-related pregnancy rate is 5.0% per rape among victims of reproductive age (aged 12 to 45); among adult women an estimated 32,101 pregnancies result from rape each year.

Rape-related pregnancy occurs with significant frequency. It is a cause of many unwanted pregnancies and is closely linked with family and domestic violence.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8765248

Things to think about and remember. Sending love and hugs to all rape victims.

XOXO,

Lavender

Domestic Violence & The Church: Part 3

2012-08-21T15:13:00.001-04:00

In part one of this series I mentioned my views on domestic violence, divorce, and the Bible. I will reiterate I believe that victims of abuse by their husbands and/or wives have every right to seek a divorce and unattach themselves from their abuser for safety and sanity reasons. I believe God allows for divorce in such cases as previously mentioned. God loves us and would not want us to suffer our entire lives at the hand of an abuser. He has clear instructions as to how husbands should treat their wives and abusing her in any way, whether it be physically, sexually, psychologically or verbally, is NOT part of those instructions. And with the numbers such as they are w/1 in 3 women who are murdered are murdered by husbands and/or boyfriends its simply not safe to stay. Yes, Jesus tells us we will suffer in His name but I don't think he meant through domestic violence. I believe He meant we will suffer for following Him not for, say, talking to another man or not having dinner perfect. God does not accept abuse anywhere in the Bible except for martyrs who suffered for their faith.
All this being said, there are those who believe differently than me as well as those who hold similar beliefs to mine. There are two huge churches at each end of the spectrum. Rick Warren and his beloved Saddleback Church is at the opposing end while the United Methodist Church as an organization is at my end. Following is a list of Do's and Don'ts and examples of each as portrayed and acted upon by these two churches.

DO:
Offer assistance to victims. UMC does this in several ways, including actually running at least one DV shelter - The Genesis Womens Shelter in Texas is connected directly to the Highland Park United Methodist Church http://www.hpumc.org/pages/09_Genesis_Womens_Shelter

Mission

To provide quality safety and shelter to battered women and their children through crisis intervention and short term crisis therapeutics and to reduce the occurrence of violence against women and children in the greater Dallas area. Genesis is also committed to raising the level of community awareness regarding the pervasiveness and effects of domestic violence

DONT

Ostracize, belittle, judge, or make the victim into an outsider by shunning them in church or accusing them of spreading rumors. Also, don't ignore accusations of domestic violence.

I was told to stop spreading rumors by a pastor at my church in high school when I went to him for help getting my sister away from her boyfriend at the time (who is now her husband and an abusive a**.

DO:

Support and encourage the victim. Reach out to her if you hear of abuse rather than saying she needs to come to you. (She won't)

The United Methodist Church does this through various programs. Also, one example of a church who did this is a former Saddleback member's husband's church.

Ironically, the family that stuck by her wasn’t Saddleback, but Bradley’s (her husband) Life Church, which responded swiftly to the abuse by pulling Bradley from leadership and later accompanying Ferber to court http://www.doublex.com/section/news-politics/does-rick-warren%E2%80%99s-church-condone-domestic-violence?page=0%2C3#.TyyonCKjiBI.blogger

DONT

Make the victim feel guilty by blaming her for not being submissive enough or telling her to stop spreading rumors or have more faith. The following excerpt sums this idea up nicely.

Quite often, if we as victims approach and confide in an elder, priest, or member of our Church, hoping for some support and encouragement, we can leave feeling even more guilty and trapped than we did formerly. We may be told that the abuse is due to our own lack of submissiveness, or our own sinfulness, that we would not suffer if our faith was greater, or that we will be rewarded in the next life for the suffering we experience in this one (!?!). I have heard of women who have been told earnestly by their vicar that it would be better for them to die at the hands of their abusive husband than to seek a separation and protection for their children! http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/bible_verses.html

That last sentence is just insane and shows a complete lack of empathy. You would have to be in denial (as some are unfortunately) that abuse happens in Christian homes. Well, it does. Abusers are masters at manipulation and pretending to be someone they're most certainly not. Just ask any abuse victim.

My own father was seen as a nice guy and during his 1st marriage was even a deacon in the church he and his wife went to. All the while, beating his first wife and even putting her in the hospital in ICU after she left him. The church is not immune to domestic violence. I sincerely wish it were but its not. Abusers are wolves in sheep's clothing and are very good at hiding. Look at Mary and Matthew Winkler. Some may remember her as the pastor's wife who murdered her pastor husband. She was physically and verbally abused by him and finally shot him. Some of her church believed her b/c signs of abuse were there but most chose to not believe her b/c he was their pastor and too good of a man. I will repeat: wolves in sheep's clothing. And where better to hide than Church? Its the perfect cover, especially when there are churches out there like Saddleback who refuse to help victims.

DO:

Help, support, and encourage the victim to seek safety and then a divorce. Abusers don't change. For change to occur, someone must be willing to admit they have a problem and take steps to resolve that problem. Abusers won't admit to their abuse or seek to change the way they interact with their victims. Part of it is their insistence on blaming their victims. My dad and others I've known have said things like "If she didn't make me so mad," "if she would just do as she's told I wouldn't have to treat her like that," and my personal favorite, "if you're gonna act like a child I'm gonna treat you like one." Really? I would dare to say the abuser is acting like the child by hurting the person he says he loves b/c he doesn't get his way. My point being abusers don't change b/c they either don't think there's anything wrong w/them, blame their actions on others, or just have no desire to do anything to change. You can see this from the high dropout rates of abusers from domestic violence treatment programs. Consider the following results of a study done by
Bruce G. Taylor, Ph.D.; Christopher D. Maxwell,
Ph.D.

The effects of a short-term batterer treatment

program for detained arrestees: A randomized

experiment in the Sacramento County,

California Jail

Victim-based accounts of DV recidivism results:

In contrast to our finding suggesting the treatment program is reducing controlling
behavior, the treatment variable in the victim logistic, negative binomial and Cox regression
models were all non-significant. That is, there was no difference between the treatment and
control group in 6-month prevalence, frequency, and time-to-failure for victim reported acts of
controlling behavior by the perpetrator. Also, there was no difference between the treatment and
control group in 6-month prevalence, frequency, and time-to-failure of victim self-reported acts
of any DV. Finally, there was no difference between the treatment and control group in 6-month
prevalence, frequency, and time-to-failure for victim self-reported acts of physical abuse.

You can find the study at https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/grants/228275.pdf

A note: most studies including this one are based on offenders that have been arrested. Several studies also base their results off whether or not the offender gets arrested a 2nd time. There is a huge flaw in that type of study as victims suffer severely at the hands of their abusers once the abuser is out of prison. They're less likely to call the police again out of fear of what will happen if they do. Why else would a majority of victims try to withdraw charges against their abusers?

DON'T:
Follow Rick Warren's and Saddleback's counseling pastor Tom Holladay's example by telling the woman she and her husband need to temporarily separate and seek marriage counseling then get back together. And that marriage counseling will help them reconcile their differences. No, it doesn't. Once again, the abuser will play the part of the caring husband and is able to fool the counselor and/or pastor. Just b/c an abuser says he's changed doesn't mean he has. They are very skilled at lying. And unfortunately, pastors have a tendency to blame the wife for not submitting enough. One friend of mine went to a marriage counseling session with her husband and when she told her pastor how her husband was psychologically abusive and made her miserable, she was told it was her job to make her husband happy no matter how she felt and to submit more. Needless to say, she walked out. She also later finally divorced her husband and remarried an absolutely wonderful man who makes her happier than she's ever been. Then again going back to Tom Holladay's thoughts, abuse is as he sees it is only physical and the abuser has to have a habit of beating up the victim so psychological, sexual, and verbal abuse don't count. Neither, apparently, does hitting, pulling hair or the like as long as the victim isn't beaten up. Yeah, this guy really has a lot of research to do in this arena. Obviously. Below are some of his beliefs regarding abuse and divorce:
Definition of abuse and how its not a reason for divorce:

Physical abuse by one’s spouse is not a biblical reason for divorce, says a pastor at Saddleback Church in southern California.

Tom Holladay, teaching pastor at the megachurch founded by best-selling author Rick Warren, says the Bible only gives two cases where divorce is acceptable: abandonment and a physical affair.

“I wish there were a third in Scripture having been involved as a pastor with situations of abuse," Holladay said in an audio clip posted on Saddleback Church’s Web site. "There is something in me that wishes there were a Bible verse that says, 'If they abuse you in this-and-such kind of way, then you have a right to leave them.'"

Physical abuse, he defined, is someone “literally” beating another person up regularly.

"I don't mean they grab you once. I mean they've made a habit of beating you regularly,” he clarified.

His views on divorce and the "hurt" it causes:

It is logical to think that divorce will offer an escape from the pain, the pastor acknowledged, but in reality it doesn’t. The pain of a broken marriage continues for the rest of a person’s life.

After a divorce, there is an “immediate release” from pain and people can think that freedom and joy are coming back into their life. But in the long term, the pain recurs every time the two former spouses deal with the children or communicate. And even events in a new marriage can trigger painful memories.

Holladay recommends instead of the “short-term solution” of a divorce that will involve long-term pain, people should endure “short-term pain” and find “God’s solution” for “long-term gain.”

Read more at http://www.christianpost.com/news/saddleback-pastor-domestic-abuse-not-reason-for-divorce-36349/#GPJqOkPb8kQPg43F.99

I don't see how he can ignore the long-term pain, nightmares, and PTSD domestic violence victims suffer. Divorce, for many of them, offers freedom and a chance to breathe and not be scared all the time. I wish I could live in his own little world where everything is okay and abuse doesn't cause lasting psychological scars. I still have psychological scars from 25 yrs ago when my dad first physically attacked my mother. And scars from when he tried to strangle me when I was a teenager and scars from my ex-fiance who forced his fingers inside me and swerved in traffic b/c he was mad and stabbed one of his swords repeatedly into the bed I was lying on simply b/c I didn't want to do certain sexual acts with him. The time my brother in law bit me. From reading my twin sister's story about my brother in law forcing anal sex on her and pulling her by the hair down some stairs to put her head in the furnace til something stopped him, I can gather she has scars, too. And as a role model and friend (who also happens to be a minister's wife so not all Christians or even pastors are oblivious or in denial) told me, my sister needed to file for divorce before she ended up back together w/him and guess what? She didn't want to file, and she's back with him :(

The United Methodist Church stands with victims and promotes domestic violence awareness in the faith community. All you have to do is visit their website to see that they refuse to put up w/domestic violence and, while expressing that the abuser is in need of God, do not condone domestic violence. They also recognize the need for safety and that domestic violence is not only physical as one can read in an article by a UMC pastor at the following link http://www.kintera.org/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=fsJNK0PKJrH&b=969371&ct=3847997&notoc=1

So who does the Church need to follow when it comes to looking for examples of the right way to handle domestic violence. I would say definitely follow the United Methodist Church's example and steer clear of Rick Warren and Saddleback.

XOXO,
Lavender

Important Side Note: You will not find as I haven't found anything where Rick Warren says Tom Holladay's statements are not true. Holladay continues to be the counseling pastor at Saddleback, which in my eyes, says all it needs to about Rick Warren's stance. Also, Rick Warren declined to comment back to a tweet I sent him and instead his assistant

Steve Komanapalli Pastor at Saddleback Church, Special Assistant to Rick Warren, (via twitter) started following me on twitter and asked what I needed. When I tweeted

@Komanapalli I need Warren's views on domestic violence & marriage 4 my blog. Tom Holladay's views are all over & warren seems 2 support him

@Komanapalli in that he has stayed silent about not getting a divorce b/c of abuse and Holladay believes abuse isnt a reason 4 divorce

Komanapalli stopped following me immediately and never answered my question after having asked directly what I needed! Therefore, I'm applying Tom Holladay's thoughts to the thoughts of Saddleback and Rick Warren.

Story by Anonymous Victim

2012-08-15T22:25:00.001-04:00

This story is reposted w/permission. It is an anonymous victim, and I don't even know who but it was on facebook and had the following about sharing:

Please feel free to share this story.
--------------------------
----------------------

And so I am. Be warned it is incredibly sad.

XOXO,

Lavender

This is my story, I will start at the beginning so that It all comes together.

When I was little I always realized that something was different about my family growing up.

Everything seemed to fit together fine but things went through phases at times. My mother's weight would change drastically and my father would spend more time away from home. I found out years later that my father had been verbally and emotionally abusing my mother into anorexia which almost killed her when I was about 8 years old.

During their marriage he cheated on her twice, once with her friend that was renting a room from us. My mother would hear it through the floor and he would still deny it.
They divorced when I was 13. I stayed with my father only because he was in the house I grew up in. He began locking me in my room to go out with his girlfriend (the second woman he cheated with) and wouldn't feed me. I began having to hide cereal under my bed so I would have food to eat while he was gone. After a few months I went to live with my mother over the summer and realized that things were much better there. I decided to stay with her. My mother took my by my father's house one day to pick up my school schedule. Apparently he had surgery on his throat that day and was sleeping so i didn't say hello because I didn't remember. I called him a few days later to pick me up for the weekend and he said "No you stay with your mother and think about what you did, your not my child anymore"

My mother and I moved to Pennsylvania a year later, I hadn't talked to my father the whole time. Years went by and I had reached my senior year in high school when my mother met Todd. I moved to Pittsburgh to attend college but had to return home because I was diagnosed with a mental illness and could not handle the stress of college away from home. I moved back in with my mom and her new husband Todd ( they had gotten married while I was away.) When she wasn't home he would yell and scream at me and call me a psycho and tell me to get out that it was his house now (in much harsher words). He would do this all the time and then beg for me to respect him and like him.. I constantly told him that in my life respect is earned not given.

A few months after being home him and I proceeded to fight and he threw a mattress, floor fan and couch at me. So I punched him in the eye. My family was actually happy over my actions as they all saw right through him like I did. My grandma paid my fine against my mothers wishes.

A month later we got into it again. He threatened to cut the wires on the computer because my music was loud. I reminded him that my mom had bought it and would be upset if he did so as she was still paying for it. He left me alone and locked himself in the bedroom. I packed a bag and left.

At 5 am that morning my boyfriend at the time's father called us and said we needed to go to his house and talk to the cops. We were apprehensive but he assured we weren't in trouble. We arrived and a few hours later two plain clothes officers came into the living room and verified my identity. They proceeded to tell me that "there was an incident and my mother was killed" I said.... " let me guess. It was Todd" They confirmed that it was. I ran and cried. I buried planned a funeral and buried my mother at 18. He had taken a shotgun and shot her in the head and stomach while she was brushing her hair after he hit her and threw her in the bathtub. He then changed his clothes and reported to the police station with the shells, placing them on the counter and saying "I just killed my wife."

After a lengthy court battle he finally plead guilty and was sentenced to life in prison without parole.

I proceeded my life but it was ruined for many years. It was very hard to go on in life without really having any guidance. I fell deep into depression and my mental illness became worse. I was hospitalized several times because the grief and depression were so bad. This led me into a terrible relationship with a drug addict who in a few instances Choke slammed me into a wall and punched me in the face. I called the cops one time when we actually made my nose bleed and due to PA policy we both were charged.

I have since left him and have restarted my life with a wondeful man who makes me happy all the time and has never hit me or even attempted to. I can't even stay upset or mad with him for more than 2 seconds because he makes me laugh and keeps me happy.

My message to you all is that you too can break the cycle!!! Don't let things that happen to you be the factors that determine your future. I allowed that to happen to me and have since realized that I have the power to change my life and its cycle!

Domestic Violence and the Church part 2

2012-08-13T17:29:00.000-04:00

In my last post I talked about the Church and the lack of help and resources offered. Ministers often will send a woman back to an abusive husband saying things like "submit more," "pray more," or "stop trying to spread rumors" and will even at times go to that woman's husband and talk to him, which, while meaning well, as one pastor at a nearby church did, can be dangerous for the woman. The pastor I am talking about refuses to step in this dark world now. Honestly, I don't think some pastors mean any harm, though I know some do considering even pastors can be abusive husbands. One might remember the case of the pastor's wife who shot and killed her abusive husband. Mary Winkler will and has testified to physical, emotional and sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of her husband, Matthew. So as much as some of us like to think pastors are immune to being abusive, they really aren't. Personally, I think Mary is very brave and an exceptional person for killing her husband, but then again I'm not God so God probably wasn't happy w/her but He couldn't have been happy with her husband either. She did the only thing she could think of to escape an abusive marriage with her 3 children and rather than condemning her I'd like to give her a huge hug and say "you did what you thought you had to and that is very brave." It's not like her church would've believed her. Hell, most of them, not all just most, still don't believe it. I'm more inclined to believe her than anything her husband would've said due to my experience with domestic violence. Abusers tend to be master manipulators and pathological liars. In fact, they would make amazing actors considering thats what they do their entire lives in the public sphere. Only in private do they ever put down their mask and reveal the true monster lying beneath. My dad was one of these men. I never once saw him hit my mother in public, but as soon as we got to the car, the beating started if she had done something wrong. There was one time he did beat one of my sisters while we were waiting for him at work, and some of his coworkers finally stepped up and said something. With as much experience as I've had with abusive men, I can honestly say even I can be fooled. A neighbor once told me about her husband's abuse and I was literally shocked b/c he has always seemed so nice. What I'm saying is we can all be fooled by them.

Bringing me to my next point, Pastors and church leaders, especially with their trusting and often loving natures, can very easily be fooled.I believe part of it is their own refusal to believe anything like domestic violence would happen in their church and the blindness that often times comes with that and with just the disbelief that domestic violence can actually exist and people can be so cruel. Pastors are only human, no matter what kind of pedestal we put them on (I'm so guilty of that), and like any human being with a heart and a conscience, doesn't want to believe things like abuse actually happen kinda like people don't want to believe in starving children or that pedophilia is as common as it actually is. We simply cannot wrap our minds around how someone could possibly be so evil.

John Shore, http://www.crosswalk.com/blogs/john-shore/why-pastors-struggle-with-confronting-domestic-violence.html, explains in his article 6 reasons "Why pastors struggle with confronting domestic violence."

1. Domestic violence is fundamentally unbelievable. Like all true evil, domestic violence is basically incomprehensible. Most people find it simply inconceivable that any man would systematically victimize his own wife and children. The monstrousness of it renders it unimaginable.

2. Wife abusers are masterful manipulators. I've known guys whom I knew were beating their wives, and while I was talking with them I could not for the life of me see it in them. Guys who abuse their wives and children are typically the friendliest, most sincere, open, warm, kind, generous, good-natured people you'd ever want filling your hat with horse crap when you're not looking. Next to a wife abuser, the most successful car salesman in the world is a groveling blubberer in a confessional booth. Wife abusers are sociopaths.

3. Pastors think spousal abuse only happens in certain kinds of families. Most people still have the idea that spousal abuse only or primarily happens in certain types of families---in poor families, mainly: in the kinds of families whose members have no particular reason to care one way or another what anyone thinks of them. (He goes on to give an example of a successful lawyer he knew who abused his wife.)

4. Pastors haven't thought enough about the gray area between "submit" and abuse. A lot of pastors hold to the traditional Biblical definition of the proper relation between a husband and wife.. . . I think it's safe to say that pastors get that it's wrong for a husband to beat or otherwise abuse his wife and kids. But I also think that not enough pastors have spent the time their positions dictate they should thinking about the broad, fuzzy line between biblical submission and repugnant victimization. You start throwing around words like "authority" and "submission," and you've put yourself on one slippery slope straight toward one demoralizing place. Pastors need to face and acknowledge that.

5. Pastors believe what they preach. Pastors believe in the power of Christ to heal, to bring new life, to reclaim, to save, to resurrect. They believe in the power of the Holy Spirit to correct and ennoble. They believe in the efficacy of prayer. They believe that through the community of church God radically and permanently transforms people's lives. They believe in the enduring, righteous strength of marriage and family. A pastor faced with a woman saying she's being abused at home is about as inclined to advise that woman to leave her husband as a brain surgeon is to advise someone diagnosed with a brain tumor to seek out the healing powers of a shaman. Pastors don't advise divorce; they don't recommend the shattering of a family unit. They believe not in dissolution, but resolution. By virtue of their vocation, pastors believe that if a husband and wife will only remain in union, keep attending church, and continue to bring their strife to God, all will be well between them. A pastor advising an abused woman to just stick it out with her husband is actually being quite sweet. He's also being really stupid and harmful. But it's sweet, insofar as his advice reflects his love, hope, and belief in God.

6. Pastors simply aren't trained about domestic violence. A pastor faced with a domestic violence problem is like a football player faced with a curling stone: he kind of knows what to do with it, but not really. What do pastors know about domestic violence? They're not taught about it in seminary; the subject never comes up at their conferences, retreats, or seminars. Domestic violence is simply not a subject present on the big pastoral radar. So just as a football player told to do something with a curling stone might try to punt, hike, or ... well, pass the stone, so a clergyman faced with a domestic violence problem is likely to counsel patience, forbearance, and the discernment of the will of God. Each man is just doing what he knows. And in so doing each, of course, creates pain.

It's not enough for us to simply desire that our pastors do a better job of handling issues of domestic violence. We must also help them to obtain the training necessary for doing so.

So how can we fix this problem? By bringing awareness and talking it in church. My minister preached yesterday about how we, meaning the Church, preach a feel good Christianity. I'm not going to go into it b/c I simply can't explain it the way he did, but he did cover the fact that if sin makes us happy that is not the kind of happiness God wants in our lives. We are supposed to turn away from sin, and just b/c it makes us happy does not by any means makes it right. This is very true. My point is we don't preach or even talk about real issues or the fact that we should feel convicted when we're in the middle of a sinful lifestyle. The Bible says, and Jesus emphasized it as the 2nd greatest commandment, to Love Thy Neighbor. A neighbor is not just someone living next door or down the street. A neighbor means everyone including one's wife or husband and abuse is NOT LOVE. It is power and control. Real love is defined in 1 Cor 13:4-8

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophesies and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever.

An abuser who doesn't feel convicted will never change and as long as our churches preach the "feel good" topics and stay away from the ugly issues like abuse women will continue to be abused and the church will continue to ignore it. Church members, leaders and ministers all need awareness especially if they are to help abused women, children, and even men. Abuse does happen even in the church, and women, unfortunately, cannot turn to their ministers because even well meaning ministers don't have a clue when it comes to domestic violence unless they have experience and/or training in it. It's a very sad but true reality that needs to be changed and SOON. That's my thoughts on the subject. I will do a part 3 with examples of how to and how not to act as a church leader or minister when it comes to domestic violence as the United Methodist Church has got it right, in my opinion, and some churches, for example Saddleback and the famous Rick Warren, have it all wrong :(

XOXO,Lavender Skye

The Church and Domestic Violence

2012-07-15T18:37:00.003-04:00

From Religion Today:

A woman I'll call "Marleen" went to her pastor for help. "My husband is abusing me," she told him. "Last week he knocked me down and kicked me. He broke one of my ribs."

Marleen's pastor was sympathetic. He prayed with Marleen—and then he sent her home. "Try to be more submissive," he advised. "After all, your husband is your spiritual head."

Two weeks later, Marleen was dead—killed by an abusive husband. Her church could not believe it. Marleen's husband was a Sunday school teacher and a deacon. How could he have done such a thing?

Unfortunately this is an all too common occurrence in today's churches. Pastors and ministers are still telling their church members that abuse is not a reason for divorce, to submit more, or husbands are the spiritual head therefore the wife must listen to him and by listening they can prevent the abuse. Um, EXCUSE ME?! Where exactly in the Bible does Jesus say violence is ok or wives who don't submit to their husbands deserve abuse? In fact, Eph 5:24 says "As the Church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands." (NLT) As far as I know the Church did not submit to an abusive Christ. In fact, Jesus Christ is just the opposite. He is nonviolent. He helps the hurting. We can see this in his Parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:30-37) when he ends the parable telling us to "go and do the same" referring to the Samaritan who helped the hurt Jewish man. Another example of Jesus speaking to using nonviolence is the adulterous woman in John 8:3-11. Rather than condemning her to death and stoning her, Jesus turned the accusations around telling the leaders whoever has no sin may stone her 1st. Rather than allowing her to be stoned He forgave her and let her go. If we're to imitate Jesus and live like Him then why should husbands be allowed to beat, rape, and verbally abuse their wives? Jesus forgave the woman's sin as we are called to forgive. Abuse is hardly a way to forgive or "turn the other cheek."

Also, in looking at the Ephesians passage mentioned above, we have to look at Eph 5:25-26 "For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church. He gave up His life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God's word." (NLT). Abuse is never done out of love, but control and domination. Additionally, how can an abusive man love his wife as Christ loved the Church if he isn't following Christ and trying to imitate Him? This whole idea of wives submitting to abusive husbands baffles me. How can we as Christians turn a blind eye toward victims of domestic violence? And what's more, some Christians actually blame the victim!!!!!

How do they blame the victim? All we have to do is look at the most common response of "be more submissive." How many women go to their churches for help in these situations just to have that phrase shoved in their face.
Additionally, abusers like blame other things such as drugs, alcohol, a temper, losing control, etc. Men and women alike cannot simply use the excuse that they lost control, or it was the alcohol or drugs. Abusing someone is a choice. It's not abuse if the person feels remorse and true guilt afterward. The problem comes in whether or not an apology is real. If it is the abuser takes full blame and tries to change. If not, the abuser sometimes uses the phrase "if you didn't make me so mad." This is victim blaming and is a huge problem within abusive relationships and society as a whole including in the Church. The idea that one can "submit enough" is another technique of victim blaming. In reality, a victim can never submit enough or please her husband enough and even asking her to try to do so is perpetuating abuse. Someone who tells the victim to submit more is simply trapping her into a cage. We should never have to do everything to make our husbands, wives, parents, bosses, etc happy at the expense of our own happiness and psychological welfare.
And using the Bible as a justification for it is sickening because no where in the Bible does it say men should abuse their wives and women should be slaves to their husbands. In fact, in 1 Cor 13 Paul talks about love. He says in 1 Cor 13:4-8

Having been in an abusive relationship, I can tell you there is no place for the love defined by Paul. Abusive men and women alike don't know what it means to love nor do they have the capacity to do so in my opinion. That being said how can someone possibly love their wife as Christ loves the church if they aren't capable of loving the way Paul tells us to? The answer is they can't. Abuse is, as I said before, about power and control, not love. I strongly believe the Church needs to stand up and recognize this and that this is a reason for divorce and help these victims rather than helping to perpetuate the problem.
In saying all this, I honestly believe that not all the ministers and church leaders say stuff blame that victim on purpose. Domestic violence is not a topic addressed nearly enough in churches if at all in some cases. People who do not understand domestic violence must learn about it from we victims and survivors, but, instead, many turn a blind eye because its not something they like to talk about. Well, it is a fact of life and an ugly and terrifying epidemic and we, especially Christians, cannot sit back and close our eyes to it. It does exist no matter how much we may wish it didn't.
I also believe ministers, church leaders and all Christians do need to address this problem and look for real solutions that don't blame the victim or force her to stay in an abusive relationship esp an abusive marriage. Condemning someone to an abusive marriage, in my eyes, is the same as condemning someone to hell because that is exactly where she is living. An abusive relationship is literally hell on earth, and to offer her no hope of escaping is condemning her to a life of torture, fear, and in some cases death.

Kiara's Story

2012-05-24T18:46:00.001-04:00

Kiara was a Christian abuse victim for years, but did not recognise the verbal abuse she was subjected to, until the day it turned into physical violence. This is her domestic abuse story:

I was married to my abuser for 5 years. We had dated and eventually became engaged over a three ye ar period. During this period he had been charming and sweet, rarely showing any signs of abuse. But as I look back now, I realize there were signs, I just didn't want to see them. He was often manipulative and would say/do whatever it took to get his way and sometimes became easily angered. This bothered me, but I just brushed it off, and always let him have his way. It was easier that way. As we drew closer to the wedding date, I started getting warnings from friends (mostly his friends) and family, specifically his mother, who warned me that he had a "bad temper" and could say horrible things when he was angry. I just brushed this aside as normal child/parent stuff. Friends would warn me that they didn't think I was supposed to marry him because they had a bad feeling he would be abusive, or just sensed something wasn't right. Hindsight is 20/20, but I didn't listen and we were married.

Literally minutes after the wedding I saw something change in him, almost like a dark cloud had come over him. I felt an awful fear when I looked at him, but thought it was just wedding jitters. From that point on, he was different. Our whole honeymoon he was in a bad mood and very short-tempered. When we returned and were packing to move to a new state, he became enraged over something and started screaming obscenities, throwing things at me, and saying he wished he had never married me. This was after 6 days of marriage, and it was just the beginning. From that point on he was this strange new man, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, incredibly sweet one moment, and explosive the next. I never knew what would set him off, and walked on eggshells constantly. He was extremely verbally abusive, manipulative, and played head games, often making me feel crazy. He became physically violent after a few weeks, throwing things, shoving me, and trying to throw me out of the house in my underwear. At one point he even pulled a knife on me. But I continued to stay, always praying, always hoping that he would change back into the man I had known before we were married. I thought, he hasn't hit me, so it's not that bad, I can stay.

For years during our marriage I went to counseling off and on and begged him to come with me, but he wouldn't. He said the problems in our marriage were because of me, that he didn't have a problem. That he got angry because of what I did or how I was; if I would just be better, than he wouldn't have to get angry. So I fixed his favorite gourmet meals, cleaned the house, said the right things and tried to change myself, thinking he would stop being angry. But he always found something else to be angry about. I also spoke with people in the church about what was going on and the response was always to pray about it and try to be more "submissive". During this time I slipped further and further into depression, often feeling suicidal, and also shared this with people in the church. Again, they just prayed, and said God would work it out. This was another area where he was abusive, spiritually, often saying 'Why would God answer you? Look at you! You're so horrible, God wouldn't talk to you. You're in sin and God won't bless you. He blesses and uses me all the time.' For some time this destroyed my faith and relationship with God to the point where I stopped praying or trying. I started to believe that God saw me this way and that I must deserve his (my husband) abuse since I'm a "bad person".

Our entire marriage was like this, the vicious cycle continuing and my depression deepening. On my 25th birthday and after 4 years of marriage, I suddenly looked at my life and thought 'This is ridiculous! I'm 25 and young and wish my life would end every day. I live in fear constantly. This has to be abuse! There has to be a way out!' It took most of that year, the anger fueling me more and more to plan how to overcome this and possibly leave. I knew he couldn't be "fixed". So I began to tell him 'Either we go to marriage counseling, or we get a divorce.' He would say yes to placate me, then say no when he realized I was serious and setting up appointments to go. This went on for months, and his anger was escalating as well. His tirades grew louder and meaner, his control tightened on everything even more. Finances, relationships, etc. I wasn't allowed to go to college because he had to "take care of his dreams" first. I'd get to go one day when he decided we had the money, which meant never. And through this I planned how I could leave without jeopardizing my friends or relatives and without losing everything I'd worked so hard for (I made more money than he did). The answer came unexpectedly, I believe at God's hand.

He came home again in one of his explosive, violent moods, upset that I wanted to go to marriage counseling. There was something different this night though; I felt it. He became physically violent and I tried to leave but he trapped me in the house. I called the police to get him to back off and when he did I hung up. I didn't know that it had gone through and they had traced the call. 15 minutes later they were at the door, taking our statements. After seeing a bruise on my hand and damage to walls and other things in the house, he was arrested. Through this process they enforced a No Contact Order, which kept him away from me and barred him from the house. I know now that this was the best possible way this could have happened. He would never have allowed me to leave and would have harmed anyone who had tried to help me. I had never considered going to shelter - I hadn't thought my situation was bad enough to warrant it. I had never realized that it was domestic violence, even if he never hit me.

I have filed for divorce since, and have been amazed by the responses I've received from many people within the church. I believe in God and know that He kept me through this and directed how this happened (the arrest)-He doesn't want anyone in an abusive relationship. I know this now, and it has helped me to walk through responses from church members where my husband started attending. They have called to criticize me for not giving him another chance, for not having enough faith in God to work out our marriage, and saying that God hates divorce. I have had to learn to shut my ears to what they say - they have no idea what it's like to live through an abusive relationship. To live each day wishing to die, feeling there is no hope for your life and you are trapped. To be told that you are worthless, nothing, and deserve the abuse you received from your childhood. Their lives have not been threatened by the person who is suppose to love and cherish them. They have not spent every moment in fear and dread.

I am free now. He has begged, pleaded, and threatened, wanting me to take him back, but I can no longer hear him. I have closed my ears and my heart to him. I am beginning to remember who I am, and realize that the things he said about me weren't true. I'm not stupid, lazy, or worthless. I have something to offer, and I can make it on my own. I have my whole life ahead of me and can't wait to live life! I also have a long, hard road ahead of me, I know, but it is nothing in comparison to the hell I lived through for 5 years. I have found freedom!

~Kiara

The church's criticism in this story is unfortunately not an uncommon occurrence but thankfully with more domestic violence awareness and education this view is changing. I believe w/all my heart that God would not want us to stay in a relationship like the one above. In the next couple of posts, I will address this issue. Thanks for reading and please share this story.

XOXO,

Lavender

Sexual Assault Myths

2012-05-16T09:48:00.001-04:00

Sexual Assault is unfortunately an all too common and vastly underreported crime. Statistics show 1 in 3 women will be raped in their lifetimes (The YWCA Rape Crisis Center of Santa Clara Valley and the YWCA of the Mid-Peninsula)

This statistic is both scary and sobering, and it reveals the prevalence of this horrific problem. The worst part is its not even strangers perpetrating these crimes; its acquaintances, friends, boyfriends, even husbands (see stats below)! And yes there is such a thing as rape in a marriage. However, the topic deserves far more discussion than I can give it right now and will be discussed in a later post. For now I thought I'd expose the varying myths surrounding this devastating crime. I'm sure not all are covered below and know some are covered twice due to the importance I've put on them and coming across them twice. Please read and share. And stay safe.

XOXO,

Lavender Skye

Sexual assault defined:

any unwanted physical contact of a sexual nature that occurs without consent from both individuals or under threat or coercion. Whether by an acquaintance or by a stranger, sexual assault can occur either forcibly and/or against a person's will, or when a person is incapable of giving consent.
By law, sexual assault includes but is not limited to rape, forcible sodomy, forcible oral copulation, sexual assault with an object, sexual battery, forcible fondling (e.g., unwanted touching or kissing for purposes of sexual gratification), or threat of sexual assault.

A person is legally incapable of giving consent if under 18 years of age, intoxicated by drugs and/or alcohol, developmentally disabled, or mentally or physically unable to do so.*

Common Myths and Facts of Rape:

Myth: Rape has to do with sex and passion.*
Reality: Rape has to do with interpersonal violence.

MYTH: Sexual assault is a crime of passion and lust.**
FACT: Sexual assault is a crime of violence. Assailants seek to dominate, humiliate and punish their victims.

Myth: Only women are sexually assaulted or raped, and only by men.*
Reality: Both men and women can be sexually assaulted or raped, and assailants can be male or female with any sexual orientation.

MYTH: It is impossible to sexually assault a man.**
FACT: Men fall victim for the same reasons as women: they are overwhelmed by threats or acts of physical and emotional violence. Also, most sexual assaults that involve an adult male victim are gang assaults.

Myth: Someone who was drinking or drunk when sexually assaulted is at least partially to blame.*
Reality: Sexual assault survivors are never responsible for the attack, no matter what, no matter how much alcohol was consumed. Responsibility lies with the perpetrator; the survivor is never responsible for the assailant's behavior. Alcohol may increase the risk of sexual assault, and may make someone incapable of giving consent or protecting themselves, but it is not the cause of the assault.

MYTH: Persons who dress or act in a "sexy" way are asking to be sexually assaulted.**
FACT: Many convicted sexual assailants are unable to remember what their victims looked like or were wearing. Nothing a person does or does not do causes a brutal crime like sexual assault.

Myth: It's not rape if the couple is dating or is married.*

Reality: Unwanted sexual activity in any relationship qualifies as sexual assault.

MYTH: It is impossible for a husband to sexually assault his wife.**
FACT: Regardless of marital or social relationship, if a woman does not consent to sexual activity, she is being sexually assaulted. In fact, 14% of women are victims of rape committed by their husband.

Myth: Most victims are raped by strangers, in unfamiliar places or on dark nights.*
Reality: It is estimated that 80-85% of rapists are known to the adult they attack. "Acquaintance rape" by a friend, new acquaintance, or coworker is frequent, particularly among young, single women. Statistics show that 50% of sexual assaults occur in or around a woman's home, 50% during the day.

MYTH: Assailants are usually crazed psychopaths who do not know their victims.**
FACT: As many as 80% of all assaults involve acquaintances. An assailant might be someone you know intimately. He may be a coworker, a friend or a family member.

Myth: Women often falsely accuse men of sexual assault or rape (for example, to get back at them, or because they regret or feel guilty about having sex).*
Reality: Nearly all rapes are truthfully reported, and, in fact, rapes are vastly underreported.

MYTH: Many women claim that they have been sexually assaulted because they want revenge upon the man they accuse.**
FACT: Only 4-6% of sexual assault cases are based on false accusation. This percentage of unsubstantiated cases is the same as with many other
reported crimes.

Myth: Rapists have psychological problems.*
Reality: Most assailants are males with no history of mental disorder.

Myth: Perpetrators of sexual assault come largely from certain races or backgrounds.*
Reality: Men and women of all races, ethnicities, ages, sexual orientations, economic and social classes are represented among assailants.

MYTH: In most cases, black men attack white women.**
FACT: In most sexual assault cases, the assailant and his victim are of the same racial background.

Myth: Only young women are at risk.*
Reality: Women of all ages are at risk, and 1 in 4 women will be assaulted in the course of her lifetime.

MYTH: Only young, pretty women are assaulted.**
FACT: Survivors range in age from infancy to old age, and their appearance is seldom a consideration. Assailants often choose victims who seem most vulnerable to attack: old persons, children, physically or emotionally disabled persons, substance abusers, and street persons. Men are also attacked.

Myth: If the victim didn't fight or try to run away, or there was no weapon or injuries sustained, rape did not occur.*
Reality: Threats of violence are a weapon, and a woman may not resist vigorously for fear of injury or death

MYTH: Gang rape is rare.**
FACT: In 43% of all reported cases, more than one assailant was involved.

MYTH: A person who has really been assaulted will be hysterical.**
FACT: Survivors exhibit a spectrum of emotional responses to assault: calm, hysteria, laughter, anger, apathy, shock. Each survivor copes with the trauma of the assault in a different way.

MYTH: Sexual assault is an impulsive act.**
FACT: Seventy-five percent of all assaults are planned in advance. When three or more assailants are involved, 90% are planned. If two assailants are involved, 83% are planned. With one assailant, 58% are planned.

MYTH: As long as children remember to stay away from strangers, they are in no danger of being assaulted.**
FACT: Sadly, children are usually assaulted by acquaintances, a family member or other caretaking adult. Children are usually coerced into sexual activity by their assailant, and are manipulated into silence by the assailant's threats and/or promises, as well as their own feelings of guilt.

* http://www.stanford.edu/group/svab/myths.shtml.

** http://www.voicesandfaces.org/rape.asp

Dark World of Human Sex Trafficking

2012-04-28T14:58:00.004-04:00

Recently I watched the movie, "Human Trafficking," and it brought tears to my eyes, mostly because the things it portrayed really happen. The movie follows 3 different women through their experiences in the world of sex trafficking and slavery. They are made into prostitutes against their wills and are abused, threatened, raped, forced to make pornographic videos, and the list goes on. One woman from The Czech Republic is seduced by a handsome man who pretends to be interested in her and invites her on a trip to Vienna, Austria only to turn her over to a sex slave ring while a 16 yr old girl in Ukraine is chosen as part of a "model search" that ends up a front for the same sex slavery ring. They are both shipped off to the United States, one knowing whats really going on and the other having no clue until she gets to New York after sneaking away from home so neither woman's family knows where they are. The 3rd victim is a little 13 yr old girl from the United States who is touring the Philippines w/her family and is kidnapped in broad daylight in an open marketplace. I won't say what happens b/c I don't want to ruin the movie for anyone reading this but the movie is very graphic and heart wrenching; it is the inspiration behind this post and my decision to bring light to this very lucrative and dark industry of sex slavery.

Definition:

The U.N. defines human trafficking as "the recruitment, transportation, transfer, harbouring or receipt of persons, by means of the threat or use of force or other forms of coercion, of abduction, of fraud, of deception, of the abuse of power or of a position of vulnerability or of the giving or receiving of payments or benefits to achieve the consent of a person having control over another person, for the purpose of exploitation.

Exploitation shall include, at a minimum, the exploitation of the prostitution of others or other forms of sexual exploitation, forced labour or services, slavery of practices similar to slavery, servitude or the removal of organs" (found on http://www.iast.net/thefacts.htm)

Additionally, the FBI has this to say:

"Many people probably remember popular movies and television shows depicting pimps as dressing flashy and driving large fancy cars. More important, the women—adults—consensually and voluntarily engaged in the business of prostitution without complaint. This characterization is extremely inaccurate, nothing more than fiction. In reality, the pimp traffics young women (and sometimes men) completely against their will by force or threat of force; this is human sex trafficking." (http://www.fbi.gov/stats-services/publications/law-enforcement-bulletin/march_2011/human_sex_trafficking)

Statistics:

(http://www.iast.net/thefacts.htm )

Worldwide, it is estimated that somewhere between 700,000 and four million women, children and men are trafficked each year, and no region is unaffected.

An estimated 14,500 to 17,500 women and children are trafficked into this country each year.

There have been reports of trafficking instances in at least 20 different states, with most cases occurring in New York, California, and Florida. Some Florida law enforcement officials, for example, claim that the state is being inundated with trafficked women from Russia, Ukraine, and Central Europe. INS and Labor Department officials fear that the problem is not only bigger than they thought but also getting worse. For example, INS has discovered 250 brothels in 26 different cities, which likely involved trafficking victims.

UNICEF reports that across the world, there are over one million children entering the sex trade every year and that approximately 30 million children have lost their childhood through sexual exploitation over the past 30 years.

Belgium, Germany, Greece, Israel, Italy, Japan, the Netherlands, Thailand, Turkey and the United States are countries ranked "very high" as destination countries of trafficked persons.

(http://www.fbi.gov/stats-services/publications/law-enforcement-bulletin/march_2011/human_sex_trafficking)

It is the fastest-growing business of organized crime and the third-largest criminal enterprise in the world.

The majority of sex trafficking is international, with victims taken from such places as South and Southeast Asia, the former Soviet Union, Central and South America, and other less developed areas and moved to more developed ones, including Asia, the Middle East, Western Europe, and North America

The majority of sex trafficking is international, with victims taken from such places as South and Southeast Asia, the former Soviet Union, Central and South America, and other less developed areas and moved to more developed ones, including Asia, the Middle East, Western Europe, and North America

an estimated 293,000 American youths currently are at risk of becoming victims of commercial sexual exploitation. The majority of these victims are runaway or thrown-away youths who live on the streets and become victims of prostitution. These children generally come from homes where they have been abused or from families who have abandoned them

The average age at which girls first become victims of prostitution is 12 to 14. It is not only the girls on the streets who are affected; boys and transgender youth enter into prostitution between the ages of 11 and 13 on average

All I can say is WOW. I knew sex slavery was going on, read stories from survivors and those helping them, and seen tv shows and a movie, Taken, which deals with it but never really looked into it. It is far more prevalent than anyone has ever discussed and has far more consequences, including economical, social, and esp psychological esp for the girls. Until I watched Human Trafficking I never realized exactly how trapped these girls are, and I call them girls not women because they are just girls, mostly under 21. This movie also showed the realities of the effects on the victims' families. That was probably one of the most disturbing parts. I can't even begin to imagine the horror and hopelessness the girls' families go through. The extent the traffickers will go to is also beyond my comprehension - threatening the lives of not only the girls but of their families, too. One woman in the movie had a daughter she had to protect and only did so w/the help of the US govt. I would never in a million years tell on someone if they could get to my daughter the way these monsters could. And these predators not only are intelligent but resourceful; they prey on the vulnerabilities of their victims -- promising them bright new futures as nannies for rich families, or even models, in the US and other western countries. What 15 or 16 yr old, esp from a poverty stricken area, wouldn't want the fame and fortune that comes with being a model? Or even the dream of coming to the US? These people that do this are the worst, most twisted, and sickest monsters on this planet.
And the worst part? Its all for money. Promising girls a brighter, possibly safer, future, lying and conning them the whole time only to take them, or in some cases kidnap them, from their families w/the family being completely unaware of whats happening or where they're going, and then turning around and selling them like inanimate objects or animals to be brutalized and raped by men who are nothing more than animals themselves, only animals w/lots of money. They tell the girls they owe them thousands of dollars and have to "pay it back" and then they can go free. The horrific irony?
They will never be able to pay it back and if by some miracle they do escape? They are changed and haunted forever. They are so psychologically damaged its almost impossible to find themselves again, and their innocence is gone forever.

The most disturbing part of it all? The United States, my own country, has one of the biggest markets for human sex trafficking/sex slavery in the entire world.

I wouldn't wish this fate on my own worst enemy.

Something to think about and be aware of.

XOXO,

Lavender

And for all the victims of sex slavery and their families, HUGE AND LOTS OF HUGS.

Are we Nobody?

2012-04-12T19:14:00.003-04:00

I'm Nobody! Who are you?

by Emily Dickinson

I'm Nobody! Who are you?

Are you – Nobody – too?

Then there's a pair of us!

Don't tell! they'd advertise – you know!

How dreary – to be – Somebody!

How public – like a Frog –

To tell one's name – the livelong June –

To an admiring Bog!

This has always been one of my favorite poems from the day I first read it in high school. I think it was 9th grade. Why? Because I could relate so well to it as I believe many abuse victims can b/c that’s what we’ve been told and how we’ve been treated by our family, significant other, partner, husband/wife, etc.

I’ve actually been told by a male “friend” of mine that strong (meaning emotionally) women don’t become victims of abuse b/c they know better than let themselves be treated like that. And herein lies the problem w/that false assumption – not only does it re-victimize the victim or survivor but it also lays all the blame on her instead of the abuser. A victim doesn’t choose to be a victim nor do they know what they’re getting into at the beginning of a relationship. Whereas an abuser chooses to abuse and knows exactly what he’s getting into when he enters into a relationship. He or she is not looking for love but control. The full responsibility of the abuse lies on the shoulders of the abuser. The victim is never to blame.

Why is the victim absolved of all responsibility? Simply put, she is manipulated from the very start and soon becomes entangled in the abusers web of manipulation, lies, and abuse without realizing it until its too late and she’s already caught in the spider’s web. And this isn’t a small, friendly spider. It’s a predatory one worse even than a black widow. At least the black widow has a well recognized warning mark. The abuser has no such mark that is well recognized except by those who already know the red flags and don’t brush them off as we tend to do b/c we want to think good of people, especially people we like and have begun to trust.

Trust is at the root of any good, long term relationship so in order to get a victim to commit, an abuser has to establish trust. This isn’t hard b/c he poses as a nice guy and wears a mask in public. There’s a reason people don’t want to believe a victim, and that is b/c the abuser is so good at acting. And this is the same act they pull on a victim. It’s been compared to the Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde character. He is Dr Jekyll, the nice, charming, intelligent man and then once a victim is hooked, Mr Hyde, the evil, cruel man comes out. Abusers are very adept at the “Prince Charming” routine, and most women dream about their “Prince Charming” so when they find him they fall head over heels for him and feel like they’re living a dream.

For women who have come from an abusive home life its even easier to fall into this trap b/c many times they are looking for a way to escape and this seemingly perfect man offers that. My ex-fiance told me he would never hurt me and would protect me and keep me safe and I believed him even after he hurt me b/c I was so desperate to find a man to love me and, he acted like he did. He was sorry when he hurt me until I started “overreacting” and being “too sensitive.” Even emotionally strong women dream of finding Prince Charming and so they get involved w/an abuser and fall into his trap before they see it for what it really is.

Whether abuse victims start out as women w/a healthy, strong sense of self-worth or as shy, vulnerable women w/no sense of self-worth the end result is the same: all feel like a “nobody” once they are caught in the clutches of an abuser. In order for an abuser to control his victim he must first isolate her and destroy any sense of self she may have had through the use of lies and manipulation. It is exceptionally difficult to realize how bad of a situation you’re in and see yourself as being worthy of a better relationship w/a man who will treat you as you deserve when you don’t think you deserve or can do any better than the man you fell in love with. Hence why we need to focus on building up a victim or survivor’s sense of self- to help them out of the darkness and prevent them falling into another abusive relationship.

We (victims and survivors both) are NOT nobody. We are somebody worthy of love, respect, and kindness. Learn to love yourself and defeat the “I’m nobody” attitude. We all are loveable because we don’t seek to destroy other people. Otherwise we would never have been victims in the 1^st place.

XOXOXO,

Lavender

Nightmares

2012-03-26T14:53:00.000-04:00

I am keeping this post anonymous but it is a true story written by a survivor in her own words. She is a wonderful, strong woman who I've had the pleasure of meeting and talking to through an online support group.

XOXOXO,

Lavender

This is my nightmare......

It started when i was about 15. I met him through a friend. His eyes sparkled and his smile radiated. He wasn't that great looking, but to me he was beautiful. We met and it was instant love. I felt whole around him. I felt alive. He was into a lot of bad things but I was young and just wanted him to be happy and love me the way I loved him. I followed him everywhere he went and stood beside him what ever he did. By 16 years old I was running drugs with him. The same years I began being his partner in crime I was arrested. I was sent to rehab for 8 months to get out of trouble I was in getting caught with a lot of marijuana. Needless to say he left me when I was 17, still in the rehab. I shed more tears in a week that I have ever shed in my life up to this point. I lost what I thought was my best friend, my love, my soul mate. I know it's silly looking back now but at 15,16, 17 years old we all feel like every boyfriend he had was the one. I got out of the rehab and was sent to a group home. While I was there I got back in contact with him. The feelings came rushing back and hit my heart like a rip tide. He would make promises to come seen me and to take me away. He swore he would save me as soon as I turned 18 and we would never be apart. My foster father forbid me from speaking to him. My foster parents were not very happy with the fact after every call, every chat online, after every e-mail I would rush to my room and cry non stop. I didn't under stand why he would make these empty promises. If I only knew what I know now.....

Fast forward one failed marriage and a beautiful daughter later. I got a phone call from a strange number. I knew who it was the moment I heard him say "well hello there". My heart hit the floor right beside my jaw. This call began a horrid chapter in my life. We began to speak to each other every couple of days. Soon after I first heard from him I moved back to FL. I decided to go see him and his family the same day I got to FL. I couldn't wait to see the man he had turned into. I arrived at his mother's home. I lost my heart again that day. He stole it right out of my chest. He played with my daughter , we talked of old times , and about the stupid things we did as children. I was trapped before I even knew it. He was almost exactly how I remembered him, but for some reason he seemed even more beautiful then he did when we were growing up together. We moved in together shortly after my arrival. He was staying with his mother and step father- he had just got out of jail serving a 8 month sentence for all sorts of crimes. Everything was great for awhile. ( I wish I had known about red flags back then)

One day I made him mad over something so small I really don't remember what it was. He began throwing my belongings out of a window along with my 2 year old daughter's bed and toys. I begged him to stop. I still remember watching him throw the items out the window. I looked at him and for a split second I thought to myself to run. Alas, I did not. This would prove to be the worst mistake of my life. I calmly walked up to him and touched his arm and asked him to stop. He jerked around and slapped me across the face and pushed me down onto a metal doll stroller, my stomach landing right in the handle. I was in shock. I crawled my way over to the closet and pulled myself inside, cowering into the tiny corner. I couldn't scream, I couldn't cry I was just frozen. He then made his way to the closet sitting on the floor and began to cry begging me for forgiveness. Only then did the tears find their way down my red cheeks.He said he was sorry and it would never ever happen again.

I almost immediately began cramping and running a fever. Two days later I woke to find myself bleeding heavily and in the worst pain I had ever felt physically. He refused to take me to the er. I was rushed to the hospital by his mother only to find I was losing a child I had no idea I was even pregnant with. His mother told him the news and he simply replied "OK". The doctors began asking questions "Is there a history of domestic violence in your home?" I didn't reply for what seemed like 5 mins. Then slowly I said no. "have you suffered any physical trauma in the last week? Have you fallen or been under a lot of stress?" I couldn't speak. I only shook my head no. I was taken care of and released. I knew what he had done. I went home to him and layed on the couch for 5 days drugged out of my mind, in such physical pain and mental turmoil. We never once discussed what had happened. After I recovered we went along with life like it had never happened. I held a grudge knowing he had murdered a innocent soul that would never be able to grace us with it's presence due to his lack of control.

The abuse continued for sometime... escalating slowly at first. It was name calling played off as a joke. Covertly controlling my money, making comments about my friends he didn't like me speaking with, going with me every place I would go and listening to my phone conversations. Eventually we moved into our own place. This is where I almost met my end.

The physical abuse escalated to a point where I was in fear everyday. I woke up extra early to get my daughter to school early, so I would have extra time during the day to clean up the mess he had made the night before with his drinking and druggin with all his buddies. Dinner had to be ready at 6pm sharp, house cleaned, cloths layed out for his shower,laundry done, my hair and make up done and dressed correctly. If something was out of order I knew my head would be slammed into the wall when he walked in the door.

He would hit me for any small reason. Bitch was my name. For awhile I thought no one knew my God given name, he and his friends would call me bitch. So many nights I was thrown into walls, had my head slammed into them or into the floor. I was thrown across rooms. As if I could fly I sailed from one side to the other never touching the ground. He like to tear on my clothing with his bare hands. Cut up my boots and shoes with no second thought. I remember one time I was on my knees rocking my then 2 year old little girl back and forth crying in her poor little ear. He hovered over us screaming at me to stop crying like a baby as he broke my collection of dolphins and snow globes one by one, taunting me the whole way. I remember his words as if he's speaking to me now. "Who bought this one for you-oh that's right your fucking dead great grandmother left these for you when the hag died". "oh your mom got this for you when you graduated high school -right? answer me bitch" slam. shatter. Tears.

The police were called when the neighbors would hear me scream. i always covered for him using one excuse or another. the pit bull we owned had attacked my favorite cat. I fell down the steps - tha'ts how I broke the vertebra in my back- i fall down these damn steps a lot. I finally got to the point when the police would come I would tell them I wanted to leave , but he never ever put a hand on me- he would never do such a thing! (HA) I would leave for the night , but in the morning I was told to return home. I did as I was told. I was a good girl. I always did what I was told.

Eventually I received permission to speak to one of my friends. This did not turn out well in the long run. I would call her over to collect my daughter when I knew i was going to receive a beating. She would also come over and clean my wounds and help clean the house up after a fight. He would sit on the couch drinking his beer, smoking his pot, and enjoy the dinner I cooked for him, as my friend and I would clean in dead un- nerving silence, or his favorite- acting like nothing had happened. He grew mad after awhile I had such a friend so he tried to attack her as well, he threw gatorade bottles at her head. Eventually he cut me off from her. She had become a liability to him.

He left me often, normally on fridays, when he would get paid. He would return on Mondays claiming he wanted to work things out for the better. False promises of no more abuse, counseling and anger management were a regular.

I found out I was pregnant. Stupidly I thought this would make him stop. We never did anything to control pregnancy. In the back of my mind I always wanted to secretly get birth control but I was to frighten he would find out. He wanted a child, a son, more then anything in the world. A little "mini me" as he would say. He left me when I was three months along only to return because he though I had a black man in my house I was sleeping with. He is and was totally against white people and black being together. Really he is against anything but whites with whites. He came back to our home smelled as if he had been drinking all day. He threw me around the house. Threw me stomach first into a chair choked me and slammed me into the couch. he kicked me square in my butt while I was on the floor. I was in serious fear for my life. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. He grabbed it from me cutting his hand and put the knife to my throat threatening to end my life and the life of his unborn child. there was no fear in this demon that had replaced my lover, my friend, my soul mate, my life. . The once beautiful eyes I adored had become cold and black. this was the first time I had really looked at his eyes in months. I shook with fear. I was scared to the point i urinated on myself. Oddly enough I think pissing on myself saved my life. He let go of me and I ran to the bathroom with my cell phone I had recovered from him and dialed 911. He managed to call my mother and tell her he had finally got me. She thought I was dead. he hung up and called 911 and told them I had stabbed him unprovoked. Needless to say I was on the phone with 911 screaming he's going to kill me he has a gun. The 9 mil was hidden in a stolen trailer in the front yard where he now stood. The police came and arrested me. My first ever time in trouble. Aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. ! to 5 in the pen. i was in jail for about 24 hours. I was in a cage but I was so free. i did not shed one single tear. i ate what was a damn good meal to me, my first meal free. I knew this was it, there was no going back.... or so I thought.

i was released with a no contact order. I moved; I got all my belongings from the home we shared. the home I had so many dreams focused on. I held my belly and spoke to my unborn child asking for his forgiveness for not leaving sooner. I held my little girls hand and we walked away. I looked back only once, long enough to see the tears streaming down his face... I look for what seemed to be a lifetime and I simply smiled and shot him the bird.

The next few months proved to be very difficult for me. My belly was growing bigger, but my heart shrank up and died. I lost 30 pounds, I was facing years in prison, losing both my children, I couldn't eat, I couldn't focus, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. In time the charges against me where dropped. I could breathe again, but only for a moment. I made a dumb mistake I can never ever take back. I called him the day the no contact order was lifted. He spoke to me so kindly, asking for forgiveness and he had seen the error of his ways. Like a fool I believed him. We started visiting each other. Things seemed different. He held doors open for me, he held my hand, he cried with me, he laughed with me and he made me feel that same feeling I had felt so many years ago at the tender age of 15. I moved back in with him when I was about 7 months along with my beautiful little boy.

Needless to say things changed again. The abuse started again. He made me do thing I didn't want to do. He took away all my friends, turned my family against me, took over my money, called me fat everyday... I was 8 months pregnant! The only thing he wasn't doing was hitting me. We got into a huge fight Sept 5th. I begain having contractions as he was throwing things around the house. I told him I thought I was going into labor and he called me a liar. I begged him to take me to the hospital. he refused and told me he wasn't going to waste his time doing shit for me. I grabbed my keys and jumped into my car. I knew something wasn't right. I had went into labor when I was 6 months and was on the pills to stop it, along with shots to prolong the birth. The contractions were coming to fast, to strong, I couldn't drive. I knew if I called 911 to come get me I would be in for it later. I called him from inside my car and begged him. He still refused. It took 3 of his drinking buddies to convince him to take me. Even they, at this point , said he was taking things to a level that was out of control. I was in the hospital for 3 days waiting for my baby to come. There were complications and bumps the entire 3 days. he complained about being there... left me alone for hours to go have a drink and to get high. On Sept 8th 2011 I welcomed my 8pnd 3oz bruised purple faced little boy. He didn't cry at first.. I stopped breathing and my ex stood there with a shocked look. He then reached into his pocket to pick up with vibrating cell phone "hello? oh man I can't deliver it to you now, how much did you want? a quarter? ( for those of you who don't know this a amount of marijuana) well my son was just born like literally... I haven't even cut the cord yet, hes not crying so these people r doing something to him, ill call you back in about ten mins" I heard my son cry and my ex cut the cord. After everything was said and done my ex kissed me goodbye and went to smoke a cigg.... he returned 3 hours later with his drunk buddy and I knew something was wrong. He had gotten a written arrest for driving my car with a suspended dl and a pot pipe in my car.....

Almost as soon as we got home the physical violence picked back up to it's normal. Kinda like a dog that pissed on the floor I was pulled through the house by my hair and shown what I forgot to do or something I didn't clean as well as he like. I had my face shoved into the corner I forgot to scrub. I was pulled around choked...beatings with no mercy what so ever. Of course this was all my fault, if i would have just done what I was told he wouldn't have to do this to me. He loved me, he wanted to make me his wife. We were going to live happily ever after if i could just get it right (*note my sarcasm)

He came home from work one very faithful day, pissed beyond belief because I had changed some plans. I was being a whore and a slut not to mention a bitch. I sat on the couch holding my son as he threw my cloths out the door. I wasn't fighting him today, i didn't have the energy to fight today. I thought i was safe at least for the moment, from the beating I knew I would get. He was extra pissed today. I picked myself off the couch walked grabbed my keys and phone and started to walk out the front door. Thank God almighty that my daughter was visiting her father this day. He grabbed me and threw me to the floor with my baby in my arms. Something clicked in my soul that moment I had seen my 2 month old on the floor. enough was enough. Hell's fury I know, was beaming from my eyes. laying on the floor I kicked that asshole right between the eyes and grabbed my son and ran for a side door. He was too quick grabbed me and threw me to the bed. pounding into the back of my head, jumping on me, hitting my baby in the forehead.. Stealing my newborn from my safe protective arms, he layed my son next to me and began to beat my face into the bed holding it down trying to smother me....( honestly I didn't remember the choking til just recently I think I blocked it out.) I fought for my life. I would manage a quick breath only to get it knock out of my when my head would slammed to the wall next to our bed. Again and again and again. My quick breathing kept me from seeing the blackness. I fought hard not to black out. This was my life on the line, this was my sons life. God knows what he would have done if i let myself slip into the darkness that was slowing creeping up on me. he held my arms down, crossed my legs and he even at one point tried to kiss me... uh wtf ? I managed to break free... that was GOD. I know that for a fact. I grabbed my baby and ran for the back door... opened it got to the first step... freedom. . . run- run as fast as you have ever ran... i stepped for the second step only to feel the tug on the back of my shirt. I hear my favorite yellow and white spaghetti strap shirt rip down the back.... oh shit.

I was pulled inside and thrown into the back bedroom door. I was pinned. I remember hoping he didn't have enough time to grab the 25 from the closet. he once again pryed my son from my arms and raised his foot to stomp my face. I looked him dead in the eyes. yes, I refused to go out with out looking into the devils eyes. I told him I'm not scared anymore and covered my head... he froze. he picked me up threw me into the bathroom ripping my shirt totally off and gave me my son back. he kept us locked in there for 15 mins maybe 30; time stood still for me as i sat topless on the toilet holding my screaming son. i convinced him i wouldn't tell i wouldn't call the cops.... he finally let us out and he left. he left for almost 2 weeks, left me with no diapers, no food, no money, he stole my last 130 bucks in effort to keep me from leaving.. I begged him for the 2 weeks to bring me diapers n what not. he refused.

I was done. I waited about a week or so til i thought things were cooled off and I for sure knew his whereabouts. I had a yard sale and sold everything I have, everything my kids had... I packed up my altima and drove away. I got a PO on him and now we are fighting it out with custody and all the odds n ins that go with that.

I am free now. I still have nightmares, I can't sleep in my bed. I still watch everywhere I go. I keep my alarm on even when I'm home. I catch myself seeing him when he isn't really there. I hear his voice in the back of my mind telling me I'll never make it. I feel alone alot. I feel quilt and shame. I'm just like everyone else that has been abused. I'll tell you this much, my friends, my sisters and brothers.. I AM FREE I'M ALIVE AND THANK GOD ALMIGHTY SO ARE MY CHILDREN. I will never make the same mistake. i will never risk my life or the lives of my children ever again. You live and you learn, you grow and you become stronger.

For those of you still in a abusive relationship please please get out as soon as you can. I'm a living (thank god) testimony that these people do not change. it only gets worse. This isn't even my whole story these are just tidbits of the every day hell I lived for so many years.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my novel lol. It is time for me to let it all out. My wings are no longer tied up... I cut the strings away and it is time for me to soar...

A Poem - It Coulda Been Me

2012-03-24T10:42:00.002-04:00

A poem several people have shared. It was found on the internet by a friend of mine who shared it w/me and others. I have no idea who wrote it, but it's beautiful. Please, if anyone knows who wrote it, let me know. I'd like to give credit where credit is due. This poem sums up domestic violence so well and brings a powerful message with it so it can't be ignored. Survivors and victims alike can relate to the woman in the poem, and others can see it from a victim's point of view.

Thanks and enjoy.

XOXOXO,

Lavender Skye

It Coulda Been me....

I got flowers today
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
Last night we had a fight and he hit me,
But I know he is sorry
Cause I got flowers today

I got flowers today
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night he threw me against the wall and started to choke me,
But I know he's sorry,
Cause I got flowers today

I got flowers today
It wasn't Mothers day or any other special day
I was so swollen and bruised I was ashamed to answer the door
But I know he's sorry,
Cause I got flowers today

If I leave him, where will I go?
What about money? what about my kids?
It's getting worse every time but I'm afraid to leave
But I know he's sorry
Cause I got flowers today

I got flowers today
My family and friends filed by to see me
Asking why I never left him,
If I only had the strength and courage to, but I didn't
So I got Flowers today

Darkness Unveiled: The world of domestic violence: Children and Domestic Violence

2012-03-20T22:22:00.001-04:00

Darkness Unveiled: The world of domestic violence: Children and Domestic Violence: Lately it seems like I'm hearing a lot about children who live in violent homes and how this affects them. This is one of the most "unspoke...

Children and Domestic Violence

2012-03-20T22:15:00.002-04:00

Lately it seems like I'm hearing a lot about children who live in violent homes and how this affects them. This is one of the most "unspoken" (as if there weren't enough already) areas of domestic violence. Children, whether or not they are abused themselves, are still affected in a myriad of ways when witnessing domestic violence. In my opinion making or even letting a child witness domestic violence should be considered a form of child abuse because it is so detrimental to a child psychological well being. Some of the effects are as follows (http://www.unicef.org/protection/files/BehindClosedDoors.pdf)

Children are more likely to be victims of child abuse

Among victims of child abuse, 40 per cent report domestic violence in the home. One study in North America found that children who were exposed to violence in the home were 15 times more likely to be physically and/or sexually assaulted than the national average.

Significant harm to a "child's physical, emotional, and social development" 

Small children exposed to domestic violence experience so much added emotional stress that it can harm the development of their brains and impair cognitive and sensory growth. Behavior changes can include excessive irritability, sleep problems, emotional distress, fear of being alone, immature behavior, and problems with toilet training and language development. Personality and behavioral problems among children exposed to violence in the home include a higher risk of developing depression, anxiety, and other psychological disorders as well as having higher incidents of substance abuse, juvenile pregnancy and juvenile delinquency than those raised in homes without violence. 

Some studies suggest social development is also damaged. Some children lose the ability to feel empathy for others, feel socially isolated, are unable to make friends as easily due to social discomfort or confusion over what is acceptable. Many studies have noted that children from violent homes exhibit signs of more aggressive behavior, such as bullying, and are up to three times more likely to be involved in fighting. In addition to these effects, children are at risk of getting hurt themselves if and when they try to protect the victim. Many children who
are present during acts of domestic violence try to help. One study showed that in 15 per cent of the cases when children were present, they tried to prevent the violence, and 6 per cent tried to get outside help. Another 10 per cent actively tried to protect the victim or make the violence stop.

Some important statistics from The Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence http://www.acadv.org/children.html

Each year an estimated 3.3 million children are exposed to violence against their mothers or female caretakers by family members. (American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family: Report of the APA Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family,1996)

Studies show that child abuse occurs in 30 to 60 percent of family violence cases that involve families with children. (J.L. Edleson, "The overlap between child maltreatment and woman battering." Violence Against Women, February, 1999.)

A survey of 6,000 American families found that 50 percent of men who assault their wives, also abuse their children. (Pagelow, "The Forgotten Victims: Children of Domestic Violence," 1989)

Research shows that 80 to 90 percent of children living in homes where there is domestic violence are aware of the violence. (Pagelow, "Effects of Domestic Violence on Children," Mediation Quarterly, 1990)

A number one predictor of child abuse is woman abuse. (Stark and Flitcraft, "Women at Risk: A Feminist Perspective on Child Abuse," International Journal of Health Services, 1988)

The more severe the abuse of the mother, the worse the child abuse. (Bowker, Arbitell, and McFerron, "On the Relationship Between Wife Beating and Child Abuse," Perspectives on Wife Abuse, 1988)

Some 80 percent of child fatilities within the family are attributable to fathers or father surrogates. (Bergman, Larsen and Mueller, "Changing Spectrum of Serious Child Abuse," Pediatrics, 1986)

In families where the mother is assaulted by the father, daughters are at risk of sexual abuse 6.51 times greater than girls in non-abusive families (Bowker, Arbitell and McFerron, 1988)

A child's exposure to the father abusing the mother is the strongest risk fact for transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next (American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family: Report of the APA Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family,1996)

Male children who witness the abuse of mothers by fathers are more likely to become men who batter in adulthood than those male children from homes free of violence (Rosenbaum and O'Leary, "Children: The Unintended Victims of Marital Violence," American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 1981)

Older children are frequently assaulted when they intervene to defend or protect their mothers. (Hilberman and Munson, "Sixty Battered Women," Victimology: An International Journal, 1977-78)

In a 36-month study of 146 children, ages 11-17 who came from homes where there was domestic violence, all sons over the age of 14 attempted to protect their mothers from attacks. Some 62 percent were injured in the process. (Roy, 1988)

So what does all this mean?

This means we all, as a society, not only need to break the silence and raise awareness for domestic violence because of the adult victims but also for the children involved. Domestic violence is an epidemic with 1 in 4 women and 1 in 11 men being victims at some point. Now, think of their children. All the children who witness the violence and who get caught up in the middle and get hurt because they're either trying to protect their mothers (or fathers) or they're in the wrong place at the wrong time. I still remember the day my parents got into an argument, and my dad threw a glass from the kitchen at my mom in the family room. Instead of it hitting my mom, the glass hit one of my sisters in the forehead; the next day, while at the babysitter's, my sister pushed another boy off a table because she was mad about what had happened the day before. How's that for physical and social effects? Plus, she still has a scar to prove it and it happened about 24 yrs ago. Also, I went after my dad when I was in high school because he was beating on my mom, and I would rather have him hit me and he did. I've seen children who have witnessed domestic violence freeze up when someone yells. I'm still afraid of men when they get mad. 

Children who grow up in violent homes are likely to continue the cycle of violence by becoming abusers themselves (mostly boys) or becoming involved in abusive relationships (mostly girls) because that is how they are raised and anything else seems abnormal and scary. It is incredibly difficult to grow up trusting people and feeling worthy and safe when a child grows up in such an unpredictable and volatile environment. The longer we choose to ignore domestic violence, the longer we will have victims and future abuse. And don't forget the above statistics - 50% of men who abuse their wives also abuse their children. In other words, if we want to stop child abuse we must address spousal abuse as well and get these children and women to safer environments and away from the abuse, preferably together. We owe it not only to domestic violence victims, but to their children as well. 

XOXOXO,

Lavender

Domestic Violence Myths & Facts

2012-03-15T09:43:00.000-04:00

Domestic violence is a very real danger to thousands of women AND men. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 11 men are victims of domestic violence in their lifetimes. This is a very high ratio that shocked even me. Its a silent crime b/c no one talks about it or wants to "get involved." It is NOT "between them" or a "family problem." It is a societal problem. It not only affects the victim but her family, friends, and neighbors as well as random people who may witness the violence if/when it happens out in public. I have personally witnessed a man push his girlfriend or wife and then chase her down the street and grab her, yelling at her. I don't remember how old I was but I was probably in late elementary or early middle school. I'd been a witness to domestic violence before but never b/w someone other than my parents and even that never happened in public. Looking back I should've called the police, and I had thought about it but didn't. There was also an incident a few years ago my friend saw after going to my car to wait for me to finish shopping at the mall. She told me she saw a man hit his girlfriend in the next car. They were arguing when it happened, and she thought about calling the police but the couple got out of the car and left before she could. Domestic violence is all around us, but we choose to be blind to it. We make excuses such as "they look like they made up" or "maybe it was an accident." And the whole "I fell down the stairs excuse" is probably the most commonly overused cover up a victim can use because people still believe it. After all, how many of us have never tripped or fallen a set of stairs at some point?

Makeup, long sleeves, long pants, sunglasses all hide the marks and bruises. Think about a woman who wears a sweater when its too hot. She's probably hiding something. It's one thing to carry a sweater in case she gets cold inside a restaurant, etc (I used to all the time and still do most times) but quite another to be wearing it in warm weather. I know I used to worry about wearing spaghetti strap tops after my dad left bruises on my arms. I only wore them in hopes someone would notice but no one ever did or, if they did, never asked about them. Even it the sweater isn't hiding bruises it could be hiding something else. I remember wearing a zip up sweatshirt over a really pretty tube top on one warm summer day to "surprise" my boyfriend/ex fiance at the time by going up to his place of work near the time he got off work. Well , normally I would've worn the tube top w/out a coverup both b/c of how warm it was and because it looked really good on me, but I had been told by my boyfriend to never wear it without him after he bought it for me. He didn't want other men looking at me unless he was around and that top would definitely draw attention. And so I wore the sweatshirt to "hide" my body and still got in trouble b/c I had worn it out; it didn't matter that it was only on the way to see him or that it was covered up. That's an example of "hiding" something other than bruises.

Domestic violence is NOT an accident, a family problem, a "one time" incident, none of your business, or OK AT ALL.

XOXOXO,

Lavender Skye

Following are a few domestic violence myths and the actual facts from http://www.bu.edu/police/prevention/domestic_violence_myth.htm.

Myth: When a couple is having a domestic violence problem, it is just that they have a bad relationship. Often, it's poor communication that is the problem.

Fact: Bad relationships do not result in or cause domestic violence. The idea that bad relationships cause violence in the home is one of the most common, and dangerous, misconceptions about domestic violence. First, it encourages all parties involved - including and especially the victim- to minimize the seriousness of the problem and focus their energies on "improving the relationship" in the false hope that this will stop the violence. It also allows the abuser to blame the bad relationship and the violence itself on the victim, rather than acknowledging his/her own responsibility.

More importantly, improving the relationship is not likely by itself to end the violence. Violence is learned behavior. Many couples have had bad relationships yet never become physically violent. Many batterers are violent in every one of their relationships, whether they consider them bad or good. The violent individual is the sole source and cause of the violence, and neither his/her partner nor their relationship should be held responsible.

Myth: Most domestic violence incidents are caused by alcohol or drug abuse.

Fact: Many people have alcohol and/or drug problems but are not violent, similarly, many batterers are not substance abusers. How people behave when they are "under the influence" of alcohol and/or drugs depends on a complex combination of personal, social, physical and emotional factors. And like many other types of behavior, alcohol or drug-affected behavior patterns are culturally learned.

It is often easier to blame an alcohol or drug abuse problem than to admit that you or your partner is violent even when sober. Episodes of problem drinking and incidents of domestic violence often occur separately and must be treated as two distinct issues. Neither alcoholism nor drugs can explain or excuse domestic violence.

Myth: Domestic violence is often triggered by stress, for example, the loss of a job or some financial or marital problem.

Fact: Daily life is full of frustration associated with money and work, our families and other personal relationships. Everyone experiences stress, and everyone responds to it differently.

Violence is a specific learned and chosen response to stress, whether real or imagined. Certainly, high general levels of domestic violence can be related to social problems such as unemployment, however, other reactions to such situations are equally possible. Some people take out their frustrations on themselves with drug or alcohol, some take it out on others with verbal or physical abuse.

Myth: Most domestic violence occurs in lower class or minority communities.

Fact: Domestic violence occurs at all levels of society, regardless of their social, economic, racial or cultural backgrounds.

Researchers and service providers have found, however, that economic and social factors can have a significant impact on how people respond to violent incidents and what kind of help they seek. Affluent people can usually afford private help - doctors, lawyers and counselors while people with fewer financial resources (i.e., those belonging to a lower economic class or a minority group) tend to call the police or other public agencies. These agencies are often the only available source of statistics on domestic violence, and consequently, lower class and minority communities tend to be overrepresented in those figures, creating a distorted image of the problem.

Myth: The victim did something to provoke the violence.

Fact: No one deserves to be beaten, battered, threatened or in any way victimized by violence. Batterers will rarely admit that they are the cause of the problem. In fact, putting the blame for the violence on the victim is a way to manipulate the victim and other people. Batterers will tell the victim, "You made me mad" or "You made me jealous" or will try to shift the burden by saying "Everyone acts like that." Most victims try to placate and please their abusive partners in order to deescalate the violence. The batterer chooses to abuse, and bears full responsibility for the violence.

Myth: Most batterers simply lose control during violent incidents and do not know what they're doing.

Fact: If batterers were truly out of control, as many claim to be during violent incidents, there would be many more domestic violence homicides. In fact, many batterers do "control" their violence, abusing their victims in less visible places on their bodies, such as under the hairline or on the torso. Furthermore, researchers have found that domestic violence often occurs in cycles, and every episode is preceded by a predictable, repeated pattern of behavior and decisions made by the batterer.

Myth: Men are victims of domestic violence as often as women, even if they aren't reported.

Fact: The bottom line is that domestic violence is a crime -- regardless of the gender of the abuser or the victim and regardless of whether it is a heterosexual or same-sex relationship. Data from the FBI and the Bureau of Justice Statistics show that 85% of victims of intimate partner violence (IPV) are women. Acknowledging this indisputable fact does not negate our concern for the men who comprise the remaining 15% of IPV victims.

Myth: Domestic violence is a less serious problem - less lethal - than "real" violence, like street crimes.

Fact: It is a terrible and unrecognized fact that for many people, home is the least safe place. Domestic violence accounts for a significant proportion of all serious crimes - aggravated assault, rape and homicide. Furthermore, when compared with stranger-to-stranger crime, rate of occurrence and levels of severity are still under reported for domestic violence.

Darkness Unveiled: The world of domestic violence: My Best Friend's Story

2012-03-12T19:43:00.001-04:00

Darkness Unveiled: The world of domestic violence: My Best Friend's Story: This is my best friend's story. At the time of this relationship I was friends with her but not close friends. She emailed me this with ...

My Best Friend's Story

2012-03-12T19:41:00.002-04:00

This is my best friend's story. At the time of this relationship I was friends with her but not close friends. She emailed me this with permission to post. I love her, and she is one of my heroes and like a sister.

Lavender Skye

I met him in between my freshman and sophomore year of college. He seemed to be everything I could possibly want in a guy. He was sweet and kind and attentive. We started out just talking for the first month of our relationship, trying to get to know one another better. By the end of the first month I was head over heels for him, and we were having regular make-out sessions. At the end of that first month he asked me out on our first date. We were supposed to go hiking up to these falls. Instead the car died, and a friend came and got us. She let us borrow her car so that we could still go on a date. He took me to Wal-Mart first, I know, very romantic. There he bought me a half a dozen orange roses because he saw me looking at them. Then we went to the movies, where we didn't really watch the movie, but made out the whole time. That was the first time he guilted me into doing something that I didn't want to do. He made me feel that I had to give him a blow job in order to prove that I had strong feelings for him. I felt that I had to, after all I loved him, and I didn't want to lose him.

School started back less than a month after our first date. He helped me move back into the dorms. My friend, Michael, came to help after moving himself in. After a very short time Michael informed me that I obviously didn't need his help and that he didn't feel welcome there. As soon as Michael left Mark told me that he didn't really like him, and that he got a bad feeling from him and he was glad that he left so that it could be just the two of us again. Mark also said that he didn't think that Michael was the sort of friend that I should have and maybe I could find friends that he actually liked. After Mark left, Michael informed me that he didn't like Mark, and that I could do better, but I just figured that it was jealousy on both of their parts because Michael was my friend first, and because Mark was my boyfriend and would take time away from Michael.

We talked every night, either on the phone or on messenger. If we didn't talk he would get upset and say that I must not really love him and want to be with him. I spent less and less time with my friends and more and more time locked up in my dorm room. I wasn't sleeping at night, and so I started not going to my classes so that I could get sleep. My grades started to suffer.

By my birthday in October he was my everything. My world revolved around him and our time together. On my birthday we finally made it for our hike to the falls, where he proposed to me. He explained that he couldn't afford a real engagement ring yet, and so we would have to use his class ring. I didn't care; I was just so thrilled to be able to say that I was going to be completely his for all time. That night we had sex because, as he put it, it didn't matter if I was saving myself for marriage, after all I was going to be marrying him, and in his heart we were already married, and didn't I feel the same way? Didn't I love him enough to trust that God knew our hearts and the vows that we made to each other? And who was more important, God or the government? So I caved on one of the issues that I had held most dear, and did with him what I had never done with another before.

By this time I was rarely going to church because it was one of the few days he had off, and wasn't he more important than going to some building to worship when I could just as easily worship on my own? After we got engaged I did not step foot in my church until after my son was born. I was so riddled with guilt and ashamed of myself for giving up what I believed was right, but once I had started having sex with him I found that I couldn't stop, even when I wanted to.

After we became engaged he became very critical of everything I did or said. He said that he was trying to help me become a better person by pointing out what needed to be worked on. He told me that the reason that I was doing poorly in school had nothing to do with the fact that I wasn't sleeping or couldn't concentrate or was unable to attend classes. The real reason that I was doing poorly was because I was stupid and couldn't understand the courses or the readings. He promised me he would never lie to me, so of course he must be right. I must not have understood anything to this point. I must actually be stupid, after all it made sense. Why else would I be failing every single class, including choir? And as for my friends, they were encouraging me to think more highly of myself than was possible. They didn't really know me, only he really knew me. We tried to hang out with my friends a few times, but it was always awkward, and afterward he would tell me which friends I should try to look like, and did I think they might be willing to do a three-way because they were much more sexy than me, and wouldn't I like that? There were two friends in particular that he had a thing for, Diane, who was one of my best friends up to that point, and Amber. He wanted me to look and act like Diane because in his mind she was the sexiest person ever, and he wanted me to dress like Amber, especially her shoes.

He also wanted to see how many places we could have sex on campus without being caught. I wasn't comfortable with this but didn't really see a way out of it. His favorite place to go was the music office. I later found out that the reason for this was because whenever I would go to the bathroom he would steal the money out of the money box. I didn't find out about it until months later and still feel guilty about it.

By the end of that semester I had completely failed out of college. I had struggled the previous year due to some choices that I had made but had brought my grades up my second semester, but there was no coming back after the last semester. By then I knew that what he was saying about me being stupid must be true; after all how do you possibly fail out of every single class, even choir?

I had tried to quit having sex with him several times at this point, but every time I would try he would just make me saying that he knew that I liked it, and why was I fighting it and him. Usually after a short time in my body would betray me, and he was right, I did like it. I felt more and more ashamed and less and less like being around the people who knew me before Mark came into my life. I had no friends, at least that is how it felt. I still had my family, kind of. I lived at home still, but on his days he stayed with me and we never left my bedroom. On the days he worked I was stuck at my house by myself, and at night I was expected to be home so that we could talk on the phone.

After failing out of college I got a job waitressing at night. On the nights that he didn't have to work the next day he would spend the whole night at my job, glaring at anyone who seemed too friendly, but he could be friendly and flirt with whoever he wanted to. Then he would take me back to my house and we would be locked away in my room unless he wanted to go to the movies or hiking or whatever he wanted to do. I was never out of his sight on the days that he had off. I just thought that that was proof of how much he loved me, after all he never wanted us to be parted. We coordinated our days off so that they could be spent together. On the nights that I had to work and he had to work the next day he would still expect me to be able to talk to him the majority of the night, or he would stop by my work if I didn't answer him like he thought he should to make sure I was there and that nothing funny was going on.

By mid-March I no longer had a job, and even though he said he was unhappy about it at first, he said that that just meant that we had more time to be together. It also meant that I no longer had any money of my own and was completely dependent on him for anything I might possibly want or need. If he decided that I didn't really need something I didn't get it. By this time I wasn't allowed to make any choices on my own, even when he would ask my opinion on something as simple as a movie he would tell me whatever I chose was the wrong choice and that I really wanted to watch something else. It got so that I didn't have the confidence to even attempt to make my own decisions. I was terrified of getting it wrong. I was terrified of life, and I was terrified of losing him, because without him, how was I supposed to know what was right or what to do?

Towards the end of May I got another job, this time as a cook at a pizza place. Within two weeks of starting there I was really sick. I couldn't hold any food down, and the smell of the pizza sauce would send me running to the nearest garbage can. I found out two days before Mark's 21^st birthday that I was pregnant. He was furious. The first words out of his mouth were “is it mine?” After me breaking down crying, he apologized and said that he knew it was his and that anyone getting a shock like that would ask the same question, after all I was on birth control. Then he started looking up statistics on how likely it was that it was a false positive.

After I found out I was pregnant I informed my employer, who decided I must have known before he hired me, and that I tricked him into hiring me by not telling him. He cut back my hours until I was only working eight hours a week and I put in my two weeks notice. So I was back to being completely dependent on Mark, except this time I was pregnant.

Mark informed me shortly after I found out that I was pregnant that he had never wanted children and that he had lied to me about us having any. The money that he told me he was saving up for my engagement ring was really to go over the border into Virginia and get a vasectomy because they didn't have all the rules over there about who can and cannot get one. He was then going to let me keep trying to get pregnant after we were married and let me think that there just must be something wrong and that we couldn't have children. He begged me on a daily basis to have an abortion. Once, after us fighting about it, he tried to jump out of the car that I was driving in order to kill himself because he said he'd rather be dead than have a child. My 17yr old brother was in the car and was able to restrain him, but he kept trying anyway. Once it was too late for an abortion he told me that I should give the baby up to his sister, that way I could still be in his life as an aunt, and it wouldn't ruin our relationship. I told him that I didn't want to be an aunt to our son-- that he was my baby and I already loved him. He attempted suicide again, but after that time promised he'd never try that again. He told me that after the baby was born, though, that he would take him up to the mountains sometime and then drive them both off a cliff in hopes that it would end both of their lives.

Once he realized that I was not going to get rid of our child no matter what things got worse. We would get into these horrible fights where he would tell me that I was making a huge mistake, and that I couldn't even take care of myself, how was I going to take care of a baby? He also said that I was so stupid that I would probably end up killing the baby anyway since I wouldn't know what to do.

When I was five months pregnant we flew to Orlando, FL. He prayed the whole time that we would crash so that the baby would die. While we were there he tried to get me to drink, in hopes that I would so that there might be something wrong with the baby and I'd give him away. He told everyone there that I was delusional and wasn't really pregnant and that if they saw me taking any pills they should stop me because I was on drugs. In that way I couldn't take my prenatal vitamins because no one believed that they were really prenatals.

I had such severe morning sickness until I was almost seven months pregnant that I couldn't even move without throwing up. It got so that I didn't go anywhere or do anything unless Mark made me. He was also mad about that. He believed that I was purposely getting sick to get out of doing whatever it was that he wanted to do. I lost thirty pounds, so obviously I must have been making myself sick. We had one fight where he grabbed my arm, shook me, and then when I started crying and telling him that he was hurting me he pushed me down. My brother witnessed the whole entire thing and said that he didn't want to get in the middle of it and didn't know what to do. He did yell at him though that he shouldn't treat me that way.

By this time Mark was staying out to all hours of the night and had started drinking, which he said that he would never do. We were looking for a place of our own so that we would have enough room for when the baby came. Whenever I would ask him where he had been he would either say that he had been out with the guys from work or that he was checking out apartments for us. I never really questioned him further because the fact that it didn't add up to me just proved how truly stupid I was; after all, he promised to never lie to me, and I trusted him, right? It didn't matter that my old roommate from college was dating one of his co-workers and that he said that they weren't all going out, after all, who was I going to believe, some guy, or my beloved fiance?

At six months pregnant I went to Jacksonville, FL for my uncle's surprise fortieth birthday party. Mark was mad that I was going. I told him that he was more than welcome to come too, after all he'd been invited to go. He refused to go saying that he was my family and why did I need to go, after all it was only my uncle. He wouldn't talk to me the whole time I was down there. When I got back from Florida he said that we needed to talk. By this time I was six and a half months pregnant. When he got to my house there was no one else there. My brother was at school, my sister was at work, and my mom was at the hospital with a friend who was in labor; she was her birthing coach. By this time we had been engaged a little over a year. He told me that he thought I should sit down, so I did. He then proceeded to tell me that I had chosen our child over him, and that he couldn't take it anymore. That I wasn't the same person he had started going out with because I was always too sick to do anything fun. That he didn't want to be a dad, and as long as I didn't tell anyone in his family that I was pregnant that he'd support us, but that if I told anyone he would make my life hell. He told me that pregnancy was of the devil, and that is why certain body parts changed color while pregnant, and so I must be a satanist, which he had told me before, but this time he was screaming it at me. He told me that there should be an exorcism performed on me because I was possessed, and that the baby was really a demon in disguise. He once again told me how much he did not want children and gave me one more chance to agree to give him up, but this was one issue that I wouldn't budge on. He then said that we were over and to never come near him again.

Three weeks later I went to his parent's house to give them their invitation to the baby shower. He had just told his parents the week before that we had broken up, and that I was a stalker, so they needed to be careful if I came around, and might even want to call the police because I was dangerous. He had never told them I was pregnant, and they didn't believe me until I showed them the ultrasound picture. His mom started crying and said that she didn't really believe him that I was dangerous, but he was so insistent. His dad offered to make him marry me. I told them that it was going to be okay and that I just wanted them to know that they were going to be grandparents, and to please let the rest of the family know, especially his sister. His mom, sister, and aunt all came to the baby shower, even though his sister lived more than five hours away.

When my son, Nicholas, was first born he tried to get back together. He asked me out on a date when my son was three days old. When I asked what I was to do about Nicholas he went into a jealous rage, grabbed my arm, and demanded to know who Nicholas was and how long I'd been seeing him. I started crying and reminded him that Nicholas was our son and told him there was no way I would go out with him, especially if he couldn't even remember that we had a child. He apologized and begged me to reconsider, but I had had enough.

Once we were broken up I thought it would finally stop, but it didn't. He tried to control me through my son once he was born. Anytime he would want something he would threaten me with taking me to court and getting custody. He actually tried to when my son was six months old but only got limited supervised visitation. He was getting him eight hours a week due to the fact that I was breastfeeding and the fact that he threatened to drive the both of them over a cliff. Once I was no longer breastfeeding and he had proven that he could be trusted with my son he started getting him more frequently, but then the abuse shifted.

Instead of saying things directly to me, he started using my son. My son had horrible night terrors where people were taking him away from me because his daddy told him that he was going to take him away and never let him see me again. Mark also would call me names in front of him, and Nicholas would come home bawling his eyes out telling me that I was a stupid bitch or that I was nothing but a whore. At the time of these my son was about 3yrs old. My son is now eight, and Mark still somewhat has a hold over me. I still generally give into what he wants because I'm terrified of him taking me to court and getting custody or even joint custody. He has money for a lawyer, and I most definitely do not. He has a “stable” two parent household; I'm a single mother. His wife and he have excellent jobs that they make a lot of money at; I'm a full time student. I know that these don't really make a big difference, but in my mind I'm still inferior. I still struggle with believing that I'm good enough and that the choices I make aren't constantly wrong. I still hear his voice in my head shouting “WRONG! God you're so stupid! How have you managed to live so long?!”

I'm stronger than I was, and I'm getting better every day, but I've still got a long way to go. For those who don't think that emotional abuse is abuse I'm here to tell you differently. It is just as damaging, if not more so. The effects are long reaching. I'm only just starting to not be terrified of life. Part of why I've come so far is because of my faith and my church family who love me and have encouraged me to be better than I've thought I am. Another part is having someone tell me on a nightly basis how truly wonderful I am and that I am worthy of love, and one of the smartest people they know. And the last, but not the least important, is my son. I want to be better for him. He doesn't see me like Mark saw me so I know I must not really be like that because he always sees the true person. I've recovered some of my friendships from college. However, most of them will never be the same as they were before, and I mourn the deaths of some of those friendships. I'm not the same girl I was. I don't hug men or generally allow men to hug me, even the guy I'm in a relationship with. I shy away from physical contact of any kind with males, whereas before I wouldn't hesitate to give any of my guy friends shoulder massages or touch their arm while talking. I'm also a lot more reserved and have a hard time trusting others. I hope my story can possibly help someone else out there going through something similar to this.

Emotional abuse is real. When you are in an emotionally abusive relationship it is hard to see that that is what is going on. It is only when you get out that you realize what has been happening. By then the damage has been done. If you have ever been in an abusive relationship you know what I'm writing to be true. Also you can't recover on your own. Seek out friends, talk to your family. Church can be a wonderful place to find supportive people who will love you regardless of what has happened and don't be ashamed to admit that you need help and to seek it out.

Darkness Unveiled: The world of domestic violence: Rachel's Story

2012-03-12T10:15:00.001-04:00

Darkness Unveiled: The world of domestic violence: Rachel's Story: Rachel and David It started off as a relationship made in Heaven. A few days after we started going out he spouted I love you’s an...

Rachel's Story

2012-03-12T10:14:00.002-04:00

This story is published w/the victim's permission. Names have been changed . This story is a true account of abuse and, as such, has some violence of a sexual nature.

XOXOXO

Lavender Skye

Rachel and David

It started off as a relationship made in Heaven. A few days after we started going out he spouted I love you’s and I love you so much. I couldn’t believe someone had fallen in love with me that quickly. He was always holding, hugging and kissing me. He was so sweet that after a week I had fallen in love with him also. We had our first passionate kiss on our one week anniversary. I moved faster with him than any other guy I had ever been with. Soon I was letting him touch my breasts over then slowly it progressed to under my shirt. I remember we were in the movie theater as he was doing this and I was thinking this is okay as long as you don’t move your hand under my bra but he did. I thought it was okay because I ended up liking it. After a couple weeks the first red flag went up, but I didn’t see it because I was so in love with him.

After about a month he attempted suicide. Now this was a flag that he wasn’t in his right mind, but neither was I. The red flag I’m talking about is when he blamed my sister for his attempt. She had said he wasn’t right for me and he overheard it. He blamed her words for his attempt rather than the real issues he was having. That’s also the day I found out he was lying about some things, including the death of his brother’s girlfriend. I talked to him a few days later, and he said it was another girl with the same name but he didn’t know that until after he told me and never even admitted that until I confronted him.

I made up my mind to end it after his other brother told me a bunch of things he was supposedly lying. Then we talked and after our talk I decided not to end it because we got some stuff cleared up, and his brother admitted to lying about a few things. We were back to our happy relationship. We were supposed to go out on a really special date for Valentines’ Day, but my mom wouldn’t let me. He told me he was going to propose that night. We ended up getting officially engaged when he brought me a ring to work months later; I don’t really remember when. It wasn’t romantic as he just handed me the ring and told me it was an engagement ring, but I was thrilled anyway. This was only a few months after going out.

We were always together and holding each other. We were always making out, even in front of my family. About three months after going out we had sex. I didn’t really want to but didn’t know how to say no. He got mad when he found that out later. That same day he promised to always take care of me. I could go to college and he would work so I could focus on school. I found out later that was a lie. He ended up leaving that job and working somewhere else. Now he couldn’t do that. In April of that year we moved in together. I wanted to move out from my father so bad because he was abusive and I loved my new fiancé so much. What I didn’t know was that soon I would be living in a worse nightmare than I already was.

David couldn’t pay the bills so I had to move back in with my parents. He actually tried stealing money from his work, and I paid it back. I ended up taking care of him, lending him money, etc. He ended up homeless at the end of the summer, and I was paying for him to stay in a hotel when I could or letting him come over to shower and nap when my parents were at work. This went on until the end of August when he moved back up to Massachusetts. He told me his sister was in a coma in the hospital so he couldn’t wait for me to be able to come with him. He promised to come back for me the next week or two. While he was up there he emailed me every day. He told me about the inheritance he finally got from his mother and how he had a four bedroom two story house being built for us on a lake. I was so excited. I was going to be with my dream guy and own a house and have a family soon. At this time he had convinced me a doctor had told him I was pregnant so when I was supposed to go with my parents to drop my sister off at college I didn’t go. There’s a longer story to that I’m not ready to discuss

A week later when he was supposed to come for me he said he couldn’t because his sister was still in the hospital and was doing worse. I kept begging him to come get me because my home life was so bad now. I was suicidal and needed someone around who loved me. He eventually bought me a bus ticket and sent me some money to go on the long trip all by myself. When I got there he saw that I had brought my favorite stuffed tiger and was happy more about that than seeing me. We hugged and kissed and he told me how much he missed me. I was so relieved to see him. I was nervous the whole trip because I couldn’t get a hold of him and I’d lost his work number. I was so scared I’d end up there and he wouldn’t be there.

He brought me to a couple he was staying with and told me to lie about who I was to go along with what he had told them. He said he had a surprise for me and showed me a tattoo he got with my name. I was thrilled! He had previously told me he never believed in getting names of people tattooed on himself so I felt very special. He told me he did it to prove his love to me and that he wanted to be with me forever. But as soon as we got to his friends he went to work. He let me rest while he worked. As I was sleeping, though, his friend sexually assaulted me through unwanted fondling of my breasts and touching and manually penetrating my vagina. I was so scared. I didn’t know how to tell David.

We ended up moving for other reasons and hiding from his friends due to him breaking a promise with them. They were crazy, too, though. One day they were all friendly and the next hated us. I eventually told David what happened and he said I was lying. That’s when the relationship took the terrible turn. He started calling me a liar and said his friend, who he hadn’t seen in two years and hardly knew, would never do something like that. I felt so violated again. That’s when he started to falsely accuse me of cheating on him and saying he was cheating on me. He called me a slut, whore, bitch and cunt. A few months later he started hitting me. At first it was ‘accidental’, then it went into the “I’m sorry” stage and stayed there for awhile. I was so scared of leaving and never seeing him again. Besides he’d taken me from everyone I knew.

I could’ve called my parents, but I never thought of that. He kept getting worse and worse. He was cheating on me, calling me names, telling me I was ugly and pointing out girls to me saying he wanted to have sex with them and I need to look like them. One time we were having sex and he insisted on doing anal. We tried it before but it hurt so I didn’t want to. He turned me over and forced himself into me. All I could do is beg for him to stop and cry that he was hurting me. He didn’t care though. He never even apologized. To this day he insists he never did this to me.

We would have what I thought were heartfelt talks and he’d make promises, but then he’d never keep them. One day while I was working in the hotel we lived in he grabbed my hair and, threatening to throw my head in the furnace, attempted to drag me down to the basement. He would strangle me, punch me, and bite me. He would verbally and emotionally abuse me. He would constantly look me straight in the eyes and tell me “I don’t love you.” He even told me he was in love with an ex-girlfriend. I cried myself to sleep many nights and prayed for us to be able to go back to how we were. He would talk and flirt with other girls, especially at night on the computer. He’d never pay any attention to me; even during sex he wouldn’t touch me. It was all about pleasing him. I was so scared he’d rape me again if I didn’t have sex with him, and I was so desperate for him to touch me I’d try to have sex just for that. I ended up cheating on him because I was so desperate for attention. Plus, he was cheating on me so he deserved it, or so I thought.

He never cuddled anymore, never even hugged me. He would always sleep with his back facing me. A couple times he acted like his old self but most of the time he was this new monster. I was terrified of him and even started having nightmares of him killing me. He told me we were married, that he’d gotten it taken care of by taking our records down to town hall. I finally got a break when a marine Corps Recruiter came up to me and I was able to join the Marines. I did it so I could get away and have a place to go. During Boot camp he wrote me the most wonderful and apologetic letters. I fell in love with him all over again, so when I got leave we got married. I thought he was back to himself. Later I would find out how wrong I was.

He was a great guy until I went away to training. At the beginning of the training I spoke with him all the time until I had to go out to the field. Then one time he told me he had no interest in talking to me even though we hadn’t spoken in two weeks. I cried at him saying that. I called him a few days later because I heard he was having chest pain. He apologized and said he was upset. I later found out he was talking to another girl for several hours every night. He still hasn’t told me what they were talking about.

Upon completion of the training he went to MOS School with me. We got along great. He’d always come to see me, and he even got a job so I wasn’t paying for everything. One night when I went out with a group of friends one of them raped me, and David never believed me about that either. Once again he was back to his old self, but after that school I took him to my next school with me. When I got to the next school he started accusing me of cheating on him with everyone again and said our baby I was pregnant with wasn’t his. We argued constantly. One of the guys that had come from the other school also said my husband was very disrespectful to me and I didn’t deserve that. When I told David he accused me of sleeping with that guy.

I eventually got assigned to the station, and we got housing. He still beat me and even beat me in the stomach telling me he was going to kill the baby. I should’ve left him, but I was scared to leave. Even after the baby was born he continued to beat me and call me names. At some point I started fighting him back because I had had enough. So now it was both of us hitting each other. He acted like the victim at one point saying I was the abusive one, even convincing the base it was all me. After the military this went on for years.

Eventually we had another daughter, which he also accused me of having another affair and the baby not being his. This time while I was pregnant he was always working and yelling at me about the room we were staying in being a mess. I was exhausted I told him. I was pregnant and constantly caring for our two year old with not one single break. Eventually my mom started to help me so I got a day to myself. He would always put work first and was only home a couple hours a night to sleep. Then when he was off the few times he was, he insisted on staying home and got pissed because I wanted to go out and have some fun instead of being stuck home. We eventually ended up in a homeless shelter because he gave up his job and lied about having another one as a camp counselor and having a house in Maine ready for us, but then he supposedly had money stolen from him by his brother.

In the shelter DCF got involved and eventually the kids were taken because one time the house was a wreck when they came over. I hadn’t had time to clean it from the day before because I was too busy with taking the kids to school, the doctors and getting prescriptions. The night before my back hurt so much I could barely move and David was fixing some legal problems in FL.

He continuously blamed me for our children being taken, but then he eventually got them back. My oldest daughter was taken again when my youngest passed away from what was thought to be a bathtub drowning. It was later found out it was a brain hemorrhage. We got back together and things got worse again. At one point I wanted so badly to leave because I felt like he didn’t care anymore. This went on for months. After my first stay in a psychiatric hospital due to my baby daughter’s death I wanted to work it out. Eventually everything went back to him being his cruel self. We both verbally abused each other. He would continue to falsely accuse me of cheating on him with every guy I met, including male college professors when I went back to school. He continued to call me a slut and a whore and ugly and fat, saying I was too ugly to get anyone else. At one point we had his friend, Lisa, staying with us, and he always took her side. He would flirt with Lisa, let her sit on his lap and even dry hump him one time. He even let her stay with him after she got me kicked out for the weekend. I finally kicked her out with his support. She was supposed to be out the same weekend, but he never stuck to that promise either. I eventually got her to leave when he finally took my side for real.

We separated and got back together several times. Now we’re done though. He stopped hitting me for six months and then started the accidental stuff again -- grabbing me really hard and saying he just wanted to pull me close. All our arguing led me into a psychiatric hospital so I moved out. We were doing good but then decided on a divorce. I ended up moving back in with him to save money to move near my family, and we tried it one last time but split for the final time a few weeks ago. I also recently found out he lied to me again. I have finally learned he’s never going to change and I am moving on from this point forward. I will admit I do still love him though.

Darkness Unveiled: The world of domestic violence: Part 2 :My Story

2012-03-05T13:28:00.000-05:00

Darkness Unveiled: The world of domestic violence: Part 2 :My Story: Spring break came . . . She was going to go to the beach, flirt w/other guys, look hot in her cute 2 piece triangle top & boysho...

Part 2 :My Story

2012-03-05T13:21:00.001-05:00

Spring break came . . .

She was going to go to the beach, flirt w/other guys, look hot in her cute 2 piece triangle top & boyshorts swimsuit and lap up all the attention and sun she could. And so she did . . . the 1st day.

And instead of meeting the cute guy from the beach later that night she decided to spend time w/her mother and met her at work to walk her home. Then HE passed on his way home (he lived near the daycare her mom worked) and passed again. The next day came and he went out of his way to pass her house after work. She was outside waiting on her mom to get home when he greeted her w/the finger and called out "bitch" upon which she repeated "asshole" to him. That night she thought up a plan to get him to stop harassing her. Just have him over to give him back a quartz crystal to him and talk. They could be friends. She was still very naive, but she was scared and couldn't think of anything better.

So they talked. They hugged. He came back over after work and they talked and hugged and spent time together again as she was babysitting her nephew. This was better than being scared of him. He wouldn't hurt her again. They were just friends. And now that he knew she wouldn't put up w/anything he would stop. Did I mention how naive she was?

They had a great time that week - going to the beach, out to eat, buying clothes. It was like they had never broken up. It was ok to kiss him and make out w/him even though they were just friends b/c he said so and he wanted her to, and she did want to so let herself believe it was ok.

The next few months went just like the last few while she was at school. This time though he kept an even tighter reign on her. He wanted her to come home and go to FAU so they could be close. They were just friends though. But she was his only friend and so on and he checked w/a friend who went and they had a good psychology program there. No she was staying. Then she wasn't allowed to hang out w/her guy friends anymore and arguments ensued. And so on and so on.

Summer came and she was home again. She took up a part time job at her previous high school place of work after a couple weeks. All other time spent not sleeping or working started consisting of J.C. again. They went to the mall, the beach, restaurants, for drives. Dr Jekyll had come back out. But it wasn't long before Mr Hyde showed up again.

She wasn't allowed to hang out w/her close friend and ex-boyfriend E.G. b/c he thought E.G. was a bad influence and would take her away from him. They were just friends and had broken up a few years prior after a short term dating relationship and she was far from interested in dating him again. He was a guy though and a threat. On top of which J.C. had made her back into his unofficial girlfriend and was staking his claim once again.

When her sister graduated boot camp things got scary and ugly real fast.

Her sister, B., got home and married her fiance at the courthouse. She and her sister spent time together but never alone. Her sister's husband never wanted B. alone with out him m as J.C. never wanted his girl alone w/out him. They all 4 had to go together to a waterpark b/c of this. Then came the night of terror. The night the 2 sisters went w/a longtime guy friend to see "Lilo & Stitch." they were late so they just waited for the next one an hr later. That hr almost cost the sisters their lives.

They were coming out of the theater, talking, joking, having a good time when J.C. and James (the sister's husband) pulled up in J.C.'s blue neon. That night would haunt her for years to come. The friend walked home by himself b/c the girls weren't allowed to walk w/him and when she tried to he grabbed her and told her to get in the car so she did. Home they went so her parents knew the sisters were safe. Then off to the bus station and into a nightmare.

The ride to the bus station was filled w/tension and fear. She had never seen him this angry and knew he could be violent. he had blocked her from escaping his anger before by force then had apologized later, but she feared something worse and no apology now. He had a butterfly knife in the glovebox. When she refused to hold his hand he snapped. He grabbed her hand, squeezed so her hand hurt and wouldn't let go. Then he grabbed for the knife in the glovebox. She was terrified he was going to hurt her or kill her. She had seen the movies and knew the stories.

He finally let go of her hand and said he wanted to kill himself. Then he grabbed for the knife again and purposely swerved the car when she tried to block him from getting it. He tried again and swerved again. I'm going to crash the car if you don't let me into that glovebox, and so she got the knife out herself but didn't hand it to him until after he threatened her. She kept pleading w/him while her sister was pleading from the backseat. He had to stop and think about this. Yet he refused, still threatening her until the bus station finally came into view.

They got there, and while the other two went in to pick up her sister's bus ticket for the next day, he got out of the car and walked to the end of the parking lot. She followed her sister inside at this point but came back out to check on J.C. a few min later and talk him out of this insanity. He said he wanted to kill himself b/c she was mad at him. She finally succeeded him in calming him down enough that he could drive and held his hand the entire way home just so she could get there safely. But then after they got home came the apology. I'm sooo sorry. I'll never do it again. I didn't mean it. Its just I don't want to lose you and when you got out of the movie later than you were supposed to I thought something had happened to you. And so she forgave him. It was over. He promised not to do anything like that again. Until he did something similar.

They were still "together" even after her sister's pleas to get rid of him. She was scared to leave. She was scared of HIM. And so he played on those emotions the rest of the summer. It became a constant game of I'm going to kill myself if you don't tell me you love me or we wont be together. Now instead of protecting her she was protecting him from himself. After that night she vowed to leave him as soon as the summer was over and she was back away at college where he couldn't hurt her. She was scared if she left him before he would kill her or her mother. He had even at one point, after seeing her father's own violence directed at her, tried to kidnap her so they could be together and she would never have to worry about being scared again, which was very ironic due to this being after the incident of that one night. She had left w/him after her father tried to beat her and had fallen asleep in the car while they were out for a drive. When she woke up they were in his driveway only b/c he was trying to figure out where to go with her. He wanted to take her away from her pain not aware of the fact that he was the one she really feared. She was sure her father would never kill her. But she wasn't so sure about J.C. And she didn't want to be one of those girls who run away from home w/a guy who promises to love them and take care of them only to beat them and terrorize them in total isolation.

She hated her father but she hated this monster more. It took over 2 hours of pleading and crying before he finally took her home. Then he would never leave her home alone again until she went to bed.

They were constantly out and/or together. She was feeling smothered but scared to say anything. He started being nice again and taking her out and buying her pretty clothes to show off her body when she was w/him but only when she was w/him. She had a sexy red tube top he had bought that she loved and wore one day to surprise him in at work but he flipped and so she never did this again. He had her so afraid of him that when they went out to eat and an older guy in his 40s checked her out as she was walking to the restroom she felt so uncomfortable that she didn't know if she wanted to eat there after J.C. had taken her outside b/c of how J.C. would react if she saw the man again (they ate there but w/her on the lookout). She also became fearful the other man would do something to her b/c of the way J.C. was going on and on about how the man looked at her and made a comment like "I would fuck that," which was probably an innocent enough comment to start with. It's not like he was going to follow her and try to rape her. But J.C. didn't see it that way.

Then there was the night w/the sword incident. As mentioned previously he had a small collection of swords. One night when she didn't want to make out and do everything except have sex he got out a sword and started showing it off. He knew she didn't particularly like this sword and she told him again but his real purpose in taking it out became apparent when he started stabbing his bed with it very close to where she was laying. He thought it was funny how scared she was and told her he wouldn't hurt her that he was just playing. She was holding still b/c she was afraid he would stab her and he used that as an excuse turning it around to say if you don't move it doesn't matter. This is fun don't you think? No actually she didn't think so and wanted him to stop but refused to stop "playing" and just barely missed her a couple of times when she finally suggested making out again instead of watching the movie like she had wanted. And so they did. It was during this episode that he went so far as to suggest they "make love" but she kept quiet about it and said she needed to get home before it was too late b/c she had a curfew now since that night (and this night she was happy about it).

She never did "make love" to him as he suggested at least one more time but she did come really close. And had he tied to he would have succeeded. She was that scared that she would rather lose her virginity than be "raped," not realizing that's exactly what it would've been even if she had let him. She did however lose even more of her innocence over the course of that summer esp after she had seen what he was capable of. She let him (and wanted him to) fondle her breasts w/his hands and tongue and touch her wherever he wanted. He would kiss her and perform oral sex on her even when she pushed him away so she just stopped and let him (this was not one of the things she eventually liked b/c it was so personal and intimate) do it whenever he wanted. He was allowed to undress her and she would undress him like he wanted until they were in just their underwear. There was a point when he wanted to undress her all the way and almost succeeded until she diverted his hand. He would caress her all over including inside her underwear which never came completely off but close. And he would do the dreaded dry humping in just underwear and penetrating her w/his finger. She had far off let go of the idea of telling him no b/c he would do all these things anyway and maybe more if she made too much of a fuss. She did like it at times b/c she was human and all of us are sexual beings. So she felt like it was ok b/c she eventually liked it. And maybe it was ok after the point she started liking it and wanting it. It's all a little confusing at that point b/c it wasn't all him eventually. He made her feel like she was in heaven during these encounters, and he was so nice and acted like his old self again until she tried to stop him or they weren't alone. And so she wanted him to continue w/these acts, not realizing just how much she would hate herself later.

She eventually realized these encounters were like this only because he had exactly what he wanted - her virginity within his reach and complete control. She realized this near the end after they were at an outdoor shopping area in Miami and had gone into the Hard Rock Cafe souvenir part and she asked him to buy her a really cute white Hard Rock tank top w/zebra striped spaghetti straps, the type of tank top she loved wearing. He said he didn't like her wearing those "slutty" clothes. He wanted her to stop showing off her body when he wasn't around and accused her of trying to attract other guys w/the clothes. She became furious b/c she had worn those type of "slutty clothes" since high school and that was what had attracted him to her and he had even bought some of them and she wasn't going to stop wearing them b/c he wanted her to. He dragged her by the wrist toward the car to leave when she tried to yank her wrist away and his grip was so tight around it and had become tight enough to crush her bones together that it did and she threatened to scream. He let go eventually after she started crying in pain and fear and threatened to call the cops when he did let her go. He didn't want a scene so he let her go and she still cant remember if he apologized for hurting her hand. It was a couple weeks later she was finally able to leave again for school, which had become her escape and safe haven and would be until she graduated.

She finally had the strength to leave him after a short period in the hospital while she was ill. But the struggle wasn't over yet. She had to find God again and became more and more withdrawn at church until she eventually stopped going and started going to a new church where no one knew her except the few friends & the professors that went. Throughout the years she struggled w/depression and guilt and her relationships w/men and with God but she is slowly finding her way back again w/the help of God, her friends, and a minister God put into her life. She is beginning to heal and find her way back after years of hiding. While she is still scared of her monster and ex fiance and fears ever meeting up w/him again when she visits FL, esp now that she has a daughter who she would die for, she is beginning to heal.

XOXOXO

Lavender

Darkness Unveiled: The world of domestic violence: Part of my Story

2012-03-03T19:24:00.000-05:00

Darkness Unveiled: The world of domestic violence: Part of my Story: The Nightmare Begins Note: There is some sexually explicit material in this as it is completely based on my own story and due to the nat...

Part of my Story

2012-03-03T19:20:00.000-05:00

The Nightmare Begins

Note: There is some sexually explicit material in this as it is completely based on my own story and due to the nature of domestic violence and the abuse I suffered at the hands of this monster who said he loved me there was some sexual abuse that went on.

It began simple enough. They never hung out w/friends, and when he went to church w/her his arm was around her the entire time. A guy she had known who used to lead praise and worship in youth group talked to her in Sunday school, and JC made a comment after the fact to the effect of Jessie was sitting too close and paying way too much attention to them esp her (Jessie was happily married). JC also sat isolated from the rest of the Sunday school class and kept her there as well. She thought he was just uncomfortable b/c he didn't know anyone (but then he didn't want to meet them either oddly enough). He never wanted to hang out w/his friends, and they hung out alone together a lot. Then came the you look beautiful w/out makeup so why do you have to wear it all the time as they were on their way to get their photos done. He would continually say this in a way that made her feel he thought she was beautiful enough w/out makeup so she shouldn't have to wear it but she did anyway b/c she liked it and had always worn it since middle school. He liked when she wore it when they first met so she didn't see why that should change.

Then came the real issues. She was a virgin through and through. She had never done more than french kiss, and he knew this. She had made it clear she didn't want to do any more than that until she was married. One day he took her to his house to "eat his mom's leftovers for lunch" (he was Italian and his mom made homeade Italian food- yum), but no one was home. She mentioned this to him and he made it seem ok, not like it was a big deal anyway. So she went w/it. They were engaged after all, and he had already told her he would never do anything to hurt her. And so they ate and he decided he wanted to watch a movie & they could lie down and be more comfortable in his bedroom.

"Little Nicky" was put on and they cuddled up under the covers together since it was cold. It didn't take long for them to start making out & she let things go further than she wanted them to. He cupped one breast then another in his hands and when she tried to push him away he said "you know you like it" and proceeded to kiss her again and move his hands back there. She didn't say anything only b/c they were engaged and she didn't wanna lose him.

From that day forward he kept pushing her a little further until they were both in just their underwear and he penetrated her w/his finger, which hurt her and so she pushed his hand away and when he tried again she was more forceful and said stop. That time he was all upset and feeling guilty b/c it had hurt her (she couldn't even get a tampon in there). He was so sorry. He would never do it again. He didn't mean to hurt her. She was holding him telling him it was ok. Then there was the next time. He got mad. If this hurts no wonder you can't use tampons. It doesn't hurt, and he proceeded to penetrate her w/his finger against her wishes until it did start feeling good to her. But that didn't happen til long after she stopped saying no and let him b/c she didnt want to make him mad and hate her.

She could never go back again once these boundaries were crossed. Sure, she felt guilty. She had let down God and herself. She let a man touch her in ways only a husband should touch his wife. But they were getting married and it was an easy enough jump to assume it was ok. Its not like they were ever gonna be apart. Neither of them wanted that. She still felt safe and was under the delusion he loved her and she could never get a better man if she tried.

And so Christmas break ended and she went back to school 14 hrs away in TN. She hated going back but loved it at the same time. She had chosen to go there to escape her family life but now she had a reason to stay in FL and he was her fiance. Though she had to admit she was kinda glad to get away from him for a while too. She had friends to hang out w/at school and he wouldn't be around to be all over her all the time and take all her time to himself. She didn't get to spend as much time as she had wanted w/her mother or alone but she wouldn't be doing stuff like that once she was married anyway. They would be together 24/7 unless one was at work.

She was happy at school, and free again to do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted w/whoever she wanted. Or so she thought. The lovely idea of email and AOL IM became his way of controlling her. They would send each other e-cards that eventually got out of hand w/the number she received. If she was out w/friends he would get mad that she wasnt in her dorm chatting w/him via AIM or on the phone. And she eventually would start staying alone in her room just to talk to him even on weekends. She couldn't go anywhere w/out it starting an argument esp if other guys were involved. Guilt trips became an everyday thing so much so that her roommate got fed up w/it and wouldn't let her have the phone when he called a few times b/c she wanted to do something w/her like go swing dancing. Swing dancing of course was a big no no b/c she would have to partner up w/a guy and so she never got to go for fear of him finding out and yelling at her that she didn't care about him or love him. He wanted her all to himself b/c he cared so much about her and she should want the same. Then came the "I have no friends, no one to hang out with down here" line. She was trapped and wasn't even living in the same state as her fiance. Yet she never realized exactly how trapped she was until he came to visit w/her parents for family weekend.

Family weekend came at Milligan. She was super excited b/c JC was coming w/her parents and all her friends would get to meet him. She ran downstairs w/her best friend at the time to introduce her, and hug her mother who she missed dearly. Before she got down the last step though JC was already hugging her in a great big bear hug and not letting go for a good long while. She finally freed herself to go hug her mom who she had wanted to hug first and gave her a long hug but shorter than she had wanted b/c he was there waiting to grasp her in his arms again. She was finally able to introduce Haley before Haley went back upstairs. It was only later she found out Haley wasn't comfortable around him that she left so fast. The next day was the Dean's List Ceremony, which she had made and so she wore a dress that ended up being too chilly to wear, and was forced to put on JC's jacket afterwards as they headed down to the following reception. The whole time he kept his arm around her and she had to slip from underneath it to hug professors and introduce them. Then came an informational meeting about the humanities tour to Europe. Her speech professor (a male) was one of the leaders and hugged her as they went into the meeting. She could feel the tension as JC watched this very innocent hug b/w a professor and student. It was after the meeting the real JC came out. He didnt want her to go away for a month to Europe even if it was for school, and if she loved him she wouldnt go. He would kill himself if she went and he had to spend that time w/out her. He didnt know what he would do w/her so far away and for a whole extra month after school let out for the summer. She didn't know what to do other than comfort him n tell him he would be fine. She had always wanted to go to Europe and this was a great opportunity. Didn't he care about that? Yes he cared but they could go to Europe together someday. She didn't have to go w/her school.

That night they went out to dinner w/her roommate, Amber, and their families. JC didn't want to pray when they said grace and whispered to her it was stupid and he didn't believe in praying but they did anyway w/him opting out of participating. She felt embarrassed and uncomfortable b/c even her dad who NEVER prayed bowed his head. She was hurt he didn't wanna pray after he had told her he wanted to become a christian and had gone to church w/her to show her how serious he was about converting. They even had to skip church the next day b/c they shared a bed in her parents hotel room and he had kept hr up most of the night making her turn around & cuddle w/him facing him instead of allowing her to get comfortable & sleep b/c he couldn't sleep w/out her facing him and holding each other.

Well the weekend was at an end and she was relieved he was leaving but very sad her parents were b/c her mother was going and she hadn't had any of the time she had wanted w/her.

The next few days came along w/her friends and professors poor opinions w/some concern about her relationship. She acted different when he was around like she was walking on eggshells. He was very possesive and kept her at his side like he owned her and one professor could tell from the way she stood w/him that she was afraid of doing or saying something that would upset him. Even the way she hugged this professor (who was female) told her that her student was afraid. She could tell she had felt relieved to hug her and get away from him for a brief second.

Then the last straw. He had gone up to her speech professor after the meeting that weekend and told him she wasnt going and he was going to stop her. Then after class the professor gave her a hug and said something to the effect of "I'm here if you want to talk. I don't know you well so I'm not going to tell you I think you should break up but I am worried about you and want you to re-examine this further"

And so that night came the tearful and heart wrenching 2 hour breakup. He never said that to her professor, he loved her, he cant live without her, doesn't she love him too, how could she do this? Finally she hung up and talked to a friend then her mother called before she even got a chance to call her. JC was over there "playing the violin" to her mother. He had a knife and was holding it up to his wrist threatening to kill himself. What was worse is her mom was playing right into it and siding w/him to give him another chance! Well he didn't kill himself but instead tried the poor me routine w/her friends by IMing them. He tried calling her too. She was hurting and heartbroken and he was trying to play on those emotions to get her back. She did love him but she couldn't deal w/his overbearing need for control and his total disregard for her feelings anymore. Just a couple days before he had told her he didnt want her hugging her guy friends. Well, she was a "huggy" person and loved hugging people no matter their gender, age, color, etc etc but had agreed to only hug her close friend from church. And so she was no longer engaged. . . but she still wasn't free. . . she just thought she was. . .

More to come later. This is only the beginning of my story of the nightmare of my experience.

XOXOXO

Lavender

Darkness Unveiled: The world of domestic violence: WELCOME TO DARKNESS UNVEILED

2012-03-03T09:17:00.000-05:00

Darkness Unveiled: The world of domestic violence: WELCOME TO DARKNESS UNVEILED: I'm going to start off by introducing myself. I am a 30 yr old woman who has lived through various forms of abuse, and it is through my own...