When presenting the “Can I Kiss You?” program on military installations around the world, I get to work with the Victim Advocates, the SARCs (Sexual Assault Response Coordinator), the Chaplains, the Command/Leadership of the installations, thousands of active duty members, and with those in charge of addressing sexual assault in the military for an entire geographical region (Europe, the Pacific, etc….). We have lots of great individuals making a positive difference in the US Military.

To see yesterday’s news of Lt. Col. Jeffrey Krusinski, who had recently been assigned to oversee the Sexual Assault Prevention and Response Office for the Air Force, is troubling. Krusinski is being charged with Sexual Battery (click here to learn more). As many of my friends and colleagues in the military are aware, the past few years has seen too many cases of military leadership being involved in sexual assault cases (of course one case is too many). While the numbers of leaders involved in sexual assault cases may be considered small as a percentage by some, the damage being done is massive.

The former Secretary of Defense, Leon Panetta, reacted quickly after seeing the documenary “The Invisible War” and current Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, has spoken out loudly about the importance of reducing sexual assault in our ranks (including a strong and harsh response concerning Krusinski along with the removal of Krusinski from his current position).

To best address sexual assault in the military with a long-term approach, how do you feel about the following options?

1. Create a career track within the military focused specifically on addressing sexual assault and enable that career to reach the same levels of success as other military leadership tracks. Currently, many of our active duty who serve as SARCs (Sexual Assault Response Coordinators) feel they need to move onto another role if they want their career to advance. Even when they don’t feel a need to move on, often their leadership does. By the time the active duty SARC better understands the nuances of the work and has extensive experience as a SARC, the active duty member leaves the SARC assignment and/or is reassigned into a completely different area of responsibility.

2. Go to a civilian system. We have civilian SARCs working within many areas of our military branches currently. They do fantastic work and work more free of military leadership influences compared to their active duty colleagues. Civilian SARCs often stay in their position for their career. They love specializing in this specific area for the military and have the vast amount of experience needed to handle the educational training, provided needed support services for survivors, assist survivors in receiving justice, and in having a consistent message on an installation – regardless of how often leadership changes.

SHARE your ideas and feedback in the COMMENTS Section below!

Prom is a DANCE – nothing more and nothing less.

The more parents make a big deal out of Prom, the more pressure kids feel to have Prom live up to being something bigger than it is.

If you choose to go to Prom, have FUN. Stick to the same high standards you would have for yourself at a dance on any other night of the year.

To help parents and teenagers who are new to the world of Prom, please share the GOOD and the BAD you’ve seen associated with Prom over the years in the COMMENTS SECTION below.

Recently, several media outlets published a story referring to a “Forced Lesbian Kiss” in a middle school classroom in Red Hook, NY. The news coverage implied students in the classroom were forced to ask each other for a “lesbian kiss” (that is the wording cited in the news stories). The classroom discussion was lead by Peer Educators from nearby Bard College.

Soon, we heard that our organization was being referenced as a source of the material the school relied on for this classroom session. People were asking us, “Are you aware someone is inappropriately referencing the ‘Asking First’ scene from The DATE SAFE Project’s Curriculum in the classroom?” We began doing research by directly talking with both educational institutions involved: Bard College and Dr. Katie Zahedi, the Principal at the middle school in Red Hook, NY.

We began by asking the following questions:

1. What lessons were being taught in the classroom?
2. Is the school stating that the Peer Educators were licensed by The DATE SAFE Project or that our specific curriculum was being used? Yes, we were checking to see how we were being referenced.

Dr. Zahedi made it clear from the start of our conversation that the news reports were very different from what actually occurred in the classroom. Both her and the school district’s Superintendent, Paul Finch, replied to the original reporter who published the story referring to a “lesbian kiss” being taught. Almost all of the information Dr. Zahedi and the Superintendent Finch provided the reporter was left OUT of the story the reporter published. To be transparent, the website for Red Hook School System has posted the letter Superintendent Finch sent the reporter. The letter clearly states:

“These sessions were designed by the building leadership in an effort to have eighth graders treat each other with respect and to develop in our young adolescents an appreciation for personal dignity. To suggest that we would condone or promote sexual activity among teenagers is absurd. It is equally absurd to suggest that an activity, designed to have young women feel more confident saying no to unwanted advances from boys, is in some way promoting a lesbian lifestyle. It is my understanding that the role playing activity is part of a program supported by conservatives such as Laura Bush.”

The Poughkeepsie Journal reports superintendent of Red Hook Central School District Paul Finch saying workshops like these are required under New York’s Dignity for All Students Act, which states that instruction in “civility, citizenship and character” would include “concepts of tolerance, respect for others and dignity.” Topics for this would include race, nationality, religion, weight, sexual orientation and gender identity, among others. (**This paragraph is from an article posted here).

In addition, on the Red Hook School System’s website, the school system shared the discussion in the classroom was focused on:

Cultural stereotypes related to gender and gender identity, positive strategies for conflict resolution, and issues related to personal consent in relationships. All of these topics support our efforts to create a school environment that is free from discrimination, harassment, and bullying.

None of this information was included in the initial story posted online referring to students and a “lesbian kiss.”

In my conversation with Dr. Zahedi, she shared that language used in the news reporting was erroneous. The Peer Educators from Bard College did NOT reference a “Lesbian Kiss.” The Peer Educators did NOT teach the boys “How to Spot a Slut” as stated in online news outlets.

What actually happened? When the males and females were separated, the peer educators talked to the female students about always having the right to say, “No” to intimacy. You deserve to always have a choice and be asked first (hopefully a point every parent agrees with). At that point, the peer educators did a quick role-play with the classroom addressing “Asking for a Kiss.” Never did the educators refer to that moment as a “lesbian kiss.” The phrase “Lesbian Kiss” was language used by either the reporter and/or the family who reported this as a story to Fox News – NOT as part of the classroom discussion.

In the session with the boys, the conversation included how harmful such words as “slut” can be and the importance of not “slut shaming.” If you work in the field of reducing sexual violence, you know how frequently people in our society use “Slut Shaming” to inappropriately blame survivors of sexual assault.

“Asking First” and The DATE SAFE Project
You may be wondering, “Mike, the role-playing scene does sound somewhat based on what you teach in the ‘Can I Kiss You?’ School Assemblies?“ Bard College shared with us that the two Peer Educators who lead the classroom session did previously attend a “Can I Kiss You?” live presentation facilitated by me at SUNY-New Paltz.  In each “Can I Kiss You?” Show, I teach the importance of “Asking First” before anyone ever touches another person sexually or intimately. The representative from Bard College shared that the students did want to share some of the same messages with the local students.

We, the DATE SAFE Project, are HONORED to know the two Bard College students were inspired by our “Can I Kiss You?” Show and wanted to spread those same lessons with middle school students in their local community. You have two caring college students working hard to help our youth have a greater respect for themselves, their peers, and each other boundaries. Awesome!  The students never said they were affiliated with us and thus did not misrepresent themselves at any time.

Dr. Zahedi has apologized to us for a reference she made in an online article about the students attending a training conducted by The DATE SAFE Project. She is aware the “Can I Kiss You?” Show at SUNY-New Paltz that the Bard students attended is not the formal training we provide for individuals to present the “Can I Kiss You?” program in their local schools.

Does the DATE SAFE Project provide formal training opportunities for people to become licensed to present the program in their local middle schools and high schools? Yes. The training includes many nuances which can dramatically impact how people react to specific situations in a role-play. Bard College did inquiry into how a student can become a Licensed Presenter of the K12 “Can I Kiss You?” Program for future work in local schools (requires attending 2-Day Training).

As to the Superintendent Finch’s comment about the role-play scene from the classroom based on a program supported by conservatives, we do believe he was referring to the “Can I Kiss You?” version of the “Asking First” role-play scene (based on conversations we had Dr. Zahedi). The “Can I Kiss You?” program is brought into schools of all political and religious belief systems – ranging from more liberal communities to very strict faith-based institutions. For instance, we teach the respect of boundaries to middle school students in the Milwaukee, WI Catholic Archdiocese. We believe Superintendent Finch’s reference specific to Laura Bush is referring to a letter we received from Laura Bush many years ago thanking me for our work.

I want to personally thank Bard College and Dr. Zahedi for taking the time to talk with me earlier today. Dr. Zahedi stated she would like to find a way to bring me to her school in the future to present the “Can I Kiss You?” program to their students. Every day we get the opportunity to share “How-To” skills for treating each other with respect we are thrilled to so!!

THE GOOD THAT HAPPENED

Are mistakes going to happen the first time an educational program is presented? Yes. The key is the educators and administrators work together to make the program as effective and appropriate as possible for the future. Dr. Zahedi has assured us everyone is committed to that same goal.

Caring educators, administrators, and local college peer educators in Red Hook, NY worked together to bring their students a program to help teach respect of their peers, themselves, and their boundaries. Every middle school student deserves to be TAUGHT that he/she always has the RIGHT to be given a choice BEFORE anyone touches him/her sexually. This is a LEGAL RIGHT and thus it is a school’s responsibility to teach such legal rights (just as they teach the legal age of driving, drinking, etc…).

Parents, please ask yourself, “Is my school teaching my middle school and high school students that they ALWAYS should be given a choice before anyone touches them sexually or intimately? Are they teaching my child that he/she should be asked first before anything happens?” Common sense tells you that if more students were “Asking First,” a lot less sexual activity would be occurring because most students are not ready to talk openly, honestly, and fully respect each other’s boundaries.

Anyone who has seen the “Can I Kiss You?” presentation from The DATE SAFE Project knows the below guidelines are followed. If you are working with students in schools, the below guidelines are very important to follow for conducting role-playing scenes involving dating or decision-making surrounding intimacy:

GUIDELINES: 

1. The 2 students helping with the “Asking First” role-play are VOLUNTEERS who have chosen to participate in front of their peers in this role-play conversation. No one is forced to be a volunteer. Plus, only two students are chosen for this specific role-play and not the entire class. Since we are focused on teaching consent and choices, we would never want to force a student to be in any situation the student did not choose to be in.
2. The 2 students in the scene are given “Character” names which are not gender specific – to ensure the 2 students are representing characters on a date and not themselves. With this approach, a student can “Be” whoever the student wants to be in that moment.
3. The schools who bring the “Can I Kiss You?” program from The DATE SAFE Project receive letters to send out to parents and the community providing lots of information on the “Can I Kiss You?” presentation, including links to more information online. We find keeping parents informed in advance helps avoid any potential confusion of what is being shared in the classroom.

We work with all sizes and kinds of schools (from Catholic Middle Schools in rural areas to alternative schools in large cities). The key to having a successful educational effort is communication at all levels – which is one of the main aspects we teach along with respect, bystander intervention, and properly supporting survivors. Letting parents know what is being taught helps curtail any potential confusion.

In all the news coverage of this story, please know it is possible what actually happened in the classroom may be different than what has been reported by a few parents (who heard 2nd hand from their children). Reports say the boys were taught “How to Spot a Slut” – is is possible that what actually happened is they were discussing how people often “label” people with such harmful words?

We are honored to know that when people around the country hear about an “Asking First” scene in a school educational program, they think of The DATE SAFE Project and the work we are doing to help students around the world. When bringing the “Can I Kiss You?” program to your local schools, make sure you are hiring The DATE SAFE Project OR a licensed presenter of the “Can I Kiss You?” program. To become licensed to present the program in your local middle schools and high schools, visit:
www.datesafeproject.org/k12training

Thank you, Jared, for sharing!! Please help others make an impact by putting this blog post on your FaceBook page. Simply share http://www.datesafeproject.org/bracelet-saves-life/ on your FaceBook page, Twitter, and LinkedIn.

Remember to SHARE your stories of how you’ve been able to help someone in the COMMENTS section below.

Next, we were in the thick of teaching high-level presentation skills, call and response, and much more advanced techniques.  By the end of Day One, each person had presented 1-2 minutes of material – completely improv – and did a sensational job. WOW the stories we heard in those 1-2 minute segments.

To share so much with each other over 2 days was thrilling. To see the “Aha”  moments occur throughout the room during each hour was wonderful. To know 23 people are going back to their communities to share “Can I Kiss You?” in their local middle schools and high schools is awesome!!

Graduating Class

As the final day wrapped up, the moment was a bit surreal. 24 dedicated individuals from all over the country (from Texas to NJ) traveled to Milwaukee, WI to become licensed to present the “Can I Kiss You?” program in their local schools and were now heading out to multiply our efforts by 24 TIMES. We always said that we wanted to get this program to the point where it could live beyond me, Mike Domitrz, as the presenter. Today, we watched that goal come to life.

In the next week, each licensee (presenter) will be invited to a private website to continue his/her training throughout the year. The website will have 24/7 access to online training materials, videos, and their own discussion forum. We are excited to follow each of the presenters’ experiences delivering the “Can I Kiss You?” program.

As they are all get started, we are beginning to plan our next training opportunity.  The feedback from the attendees in the past week has been overwhelming. They have told us how they are telling their friends and colleagues that this training is a MUST-DO experience. Inspired by their response, we are moving as quickly as possible to provide that opportunity for people throughout the country. To be notified when the next training is scheduled, click here and signup to receive notification as soon as the dates are announced.

All of this is possible because of my sister who inspired me two decades ago. Thank you, Cheri, for every ounce of who you are!

P.S. Below you can see pictures of many of the graduates.

LISTEN NOW (click here).

To read more, click here.

Wouldn’t it have been powerful to see at least one actor in the audience stand up at that moment and say,

“Seth, ENOUGH. She is 9 years-old. You are referring to a child as a sexual object. Whether in front of an audience of one person or one billion people, that is inappropriate. Your attempt to intentionally sexualize anyone here in such a manner is sad. Please apologize to her, the male actor you referenced, and everyone here. Stop trying to shock people through racist and sexist comments and switch to using appropriate humor.“

Can you imagine what would have happened in the theatre and in homes around the world? I believe many in the audience would have supported the actor with the courage to speak out. The news and media outlets would have been talking about a moment when we witnessed a celebrity stand up to someone being cruel to others. We all would have had a great role modeling example to discuss with our children.

That moment never happened. In fact, more moments of sexist and racist comments continued throughout the broadcast (including trying to make a case of domestic violence into a funny one-liner). We all need to remember the Academy Awards CHOSE Seth McFarlane – knowing his reputation for this kind of attempt at satire. The Academy needs to be held accountable along with Seth McFarlane. You can call the Oscars at (310) 247-3000 or leave them an online message by clicking here.

For those who say, “That was satire,” how come the jokes never accomplished what satire is meant to show? Satire would result in the audience getting the message of older adults sexual preying on young adults is wrong. That didn’t happen. If it did, you might have seen celebrities speak up on behalf of the male actor referenced in the joke (who was unfairly targeted).

What CAN YOU DO? Talk with your family, friends, and colleagues about what Seth McFarlane did while hosting the Oscars. Sit down with your children and discuss this specific incident with the following questions:

1. If you had a child, would you want to hear someone refer to your 9 year-old as a sexual object?
2. Ask what kind of comments this situation could lead to the 9 year-old having to hear at school or on TV for the following days and weeks?
3. What could someone in the audience have done?
4. Be ready to share our example above of an audience member intervening and then say, “Do you think you would have stood up for the 9 year-old? What WOULD get you stand up for the 9 year-old?”
5. Help give your child the tools to feel empowered and confident enough to stand up for someone in a public setting.

What tools do you think every parent should give their child to handle such a moment? What would you have said to Seth McFarlane? What would you say to the audience who failed to intervene? In addition to this example, what additional statements by Seth McFarlane during the Oscars should be addressed by parents?

Share in the COMMENTS section below.

Have you ever had a conversation “go bad” when trying to help your teenager? After listening to the interview below, please share in the Comments section below what happened and what did you learn from that moment. Have you had a successful technique work for talking with your sons and daughters? Share your successful strategy in the comments below.

Click on the play button below to hear the helpful interview. Afterward, post questions you would like to see addressed for helping parents with these conversations.

Post your successes and challenges of talking with teens in the COMMENTS section below.