My friend Tricia decided to have a “thank-god-it-stopped-raining” party and to introduce us to her new boyfriend Derek.  The first “small world” shock of the night occurred when I ran into a colleague whose husband happens to be Derek’s brother!  The two pairs run in such different circles, they were almost the last people I’d expect to see at Tricia’s.  Key word being “almost”.  You may guess where this is going…

As my colleague and I were laughing about the strange coincidence and sharing other humorous “small town” stories, I noticed a man near the food table looking at me.  He seemed familiar, but I couldn’t quite place him and figured I must have met him at Tricia’s previous party.  When I went to refill my glass, he came right over and greeted me by name.  I searched the recesses of my mind for his name (or even how I’d know him) and was coming up totally blank.

“I am George,” he said helpfully, “we met at Mirabelle’s wedding a few years ago and are friends on Facebook.”   Just as it was about to click who he was, he added “and you emailed me on Match.”  This is where I became nauseous and started praying for the boards of Tricia’s beautiful bamboo floors to open up and swallow me alive.  But there was nowhere to go.

“Match?” I said weakly, desperately trying to remember contacting him during my seven-day trial last month (yes, I was planning to review Match here…  eventually.)  George nodded neutrally, like it was NO big deal that I hit on someone I should have recognized on the internet ; that apparently he never wrote back despite knowing me; and oh, that he though it appropriate to bring this up casually at a party!!!  As if stopping at Mirabelle’s wedding and Facebook wasn’t going to tip me off sufficiently?  “Umm, is it awkward that I brought up Match?” he asked with some surprise, for the first time noticing my extreme discomfort.

“No, not at all George.  It was quite gracious of you to tell me that I contacted you online although you didn’t email back.  Not awkward in the least.  I am sure my on-call therapist will agree.”  I was only half-joking as by this point, it was either sarcasm or tears.  We chatted a bit more, but honestly, how can you salvage a conversation that began with “hi, I am the one who rejected you online”.  I had to get away asap and share this debacle with my friends and you (if not with my non-existing-at-least-till-now therapist).

Call me overly sensitive, but I was truly struck by the level of embarrassment I haven’t experienced since…  well, I’ll save that story for another time.  I tried to figure out on my way home what bothered me most about the whole situation.  The not remembering someone I should have and exposing myself (no pun intended) online?  The sting of a rejection (how dare he - anyone - not be interested!  And what’s wrong with him, aside from complete lack of social graces or graciousness)?  The fear of him violating my privacy - you know what a freak I am for anonymity in my private life - and telling on me to the mutual acquaintances?

It’s probably all of the above and many additional button-hitting emotions that “thanks, but no thanks” brings up for so many of us.  Somehow it’s easier to take rejection when the perpetrator doesn’t rub it - albeit, cluelessly - in your face.  Then again, the universe has a pretty amazing sense of humor.  This could be pay-back time… stay tuned for another scary-small world story from the “silent” period

So, any advice on how to get over this (aside from moving to another continent?!)  What’s your best or worst small-world story in dating or otherwise?  PLEASE share!

I was totally baffled when the young man I stood near at a concert  chased me down the street - in nothing but a T-shirt in freezing cold - calling “ma’am, ma’AM!” after me.  At first I ignored him because, of course, he couldn’t possibly be referring to ME!  In my mind’s eye, at least, I am way too young to be called the dirty four letter word - ma’am!  Just as I was trying to talk myself out of being offended and figure out what I left behind to provoke this crazy-underdressed chase, he asked for my number!   Apparently, I struck him as “cool” and he was wondering if “ummm, he could, ummm, have my number”.  My mind scrambled to figure out how old he was - I swear, guessing 24 would be generous.  But I was too stunned to do anything but hand him my card.  Mind you, he pulled out his cell phone to record my number - gosh, and they used to look for a napkin and a pen in my day.

I woke up the next morning to find a text message on my phone.  It’s only recently that I’ve figured out how to retrieve text messages - I totally refuse to respond to them!  How I miss that napkin!  Apparently he texted me at 2am on a *Tuesday* (if you’re over 30 you get the emphasis!)  It was in a language I couldn’t fully comprehend but recognized (from reading sociological studies about the millennials) as Textish.  This is when it struck me that that perhaps the “Ma’am” label is not just a dirty word anymore - it’s more appropriate than I ever feared!  I am SO not as cool as he had thought - I don’t even text!

To be frank, I slightly resent this kid for chasing me down the street, calling me (out LOUD) by a label earned through years of experience, wisdom and denyal about technological advances!   I don’t care for any term that bursts my youthful bubble, no matter how much respect it implies or how accurate it is chronologically!  I propose we fine people who insist on using these labels until we’re good and ready.  We can indicate when it’s time by wearing a nametag that says “hello, my name is Ma’am”.  And no, I will not go out with you, Young Man, until you’re old enough to be considered a Sir!  So there.

Despite this perpetually non-romantic streak, I’ve never held a grudge against Valentine‘s Day.  In fact, for the past seven years it’s been my special day.  It was on February 14th, 2002 that I finally left a career that was depleting me and started a new one that thrills and fulfills me on daily basis (I know, hard to believe that I have a job aside from dating and blogging about it!)  Partly by chance and partly by design February 14th has sort of become  my V-day!  A time to celebrate my journey, accomplishments, friendships and all other things in my life I am amazingly grateful for.  It’s all about love, right?

Although not everyone has had an opportunity to change their life on February 14th (yet) here are some ideas on making Valentine’s Day fantastic, regardless of your relationship status.

1.  Stop glorifying a commercial holiday. I mean seriously, whether you’re single or coupled, think about it.  Out of 365 days in a year, someone arbitrarily decided that on ONE of them - February 14th -we’ll show love for each other by gifting tacky heart-shaped chocolate boxes, shiny pink balloons and stuffed dogs in t-shirts that say “I WOOF You (sorry, that‘s my post-barking trauma coming out again).  Do you really need an excuse to tell someone how you feel or give flowers or treat them with love?  I didn’t think so!

2.  Create your own holiday / cause to celebrate. In my case, I began a new career on February 14th.  I figure I’d never have a disappointing Valentine’s Day if I am celebrating my anniversary that day.  What can you celebrate that day that would make this day fabulous despite your relationship status?  Perhaps adopting a pet who needs your love? An annual spa day?  An annual get-away to a beautiful destination?  Commencing a project, business or hobby you’ve been meaning to try forever (my favorite, of course!)

3.  Throw a party.  No, not the bitter “We’re too good for love and men/women suck anyway” kind.  But one where you bring friends together to celebrate love.  Love of each other, of laughter, food, wine, travel, gerbils, whatever!  Make sure there’s plenty of all of the above (with possible exception of gerbils… then again, why not them too!)  In my 20s I threw a few Valentine’s Day parties and ran dating-story contests (little did I know I’d be sharing mine with the world a decade later ;)  Categories included “If I only knew then what I know now”, “What was I thinking!” and “Crazy things I did for love”.  More often than not, I took my own trophy home (or kept it at home in this case) but everyone had a ball mingling and laughing.  People still talk about those parties (and also about how I should have started this blog looong ago.)

4.  Have a dinner party / movie night  with friends. A few years ago I actually was dating someone over Valentine’s Day but he had to travel for work.  I was more than happy to celebrate it with two close friends eating, drinking and watching silly movies.  We rarely get to spend that much quality time together and I had so much fun, I was grateful that my boyfriend was out of town.  And I am not just saying that because I had one on the reserve; I’ve done this often enough as a single that I do mean it.

5.  Paint the town orange. Grab some friends (or make new ones) and get out there!  I am constantly surprised at how many non-couple activities there are on Valentine’s Day, at least in Washington.  Why this year there are so many I am double-booked both Friday and Saturday night.  I can’t wait!  And who knows whom you’ll meet in the process of celebrating life and having fun being you!

Oh and in case I forgot to mention, I could have had a date this year.  I decided to pass - plenty of time for dates after I am done celebrating V-day my way!

And how do you view Valentine’s Day?  Love it?  Hate it?  Fear it?  What are your special rituals and traditions, whether you’re single or a couple?  I’d love to hear about your V-day plans, insights and especially stories (always stories!)

After a happy hour on Friday some friends and I decided to go out to dinner.  I had just met Andrea, an attractive, ambitious 23-year-old banker of some sort.  She impressed me with her maturity, intelligence and personality and because my friends are well-connected people I invite her along.  I am constantly trying to connect people although romantic match-making has never been a forte - everyone I’ve ever tried to set up have ended up as best friends, roommates or business partners.  Anyway, Andrea gratefully accepted and off we went for Thai food.

Our table was a colorful, diverse bunch.  There were five women in their 40s, me in my 30s and Andrea (who incidentally, was the only non-single person in our group).  As the conversation turned to relationships - as it inevitably seems to any time women get together - one girl confided how difficult her last break-up had been.  Before any of us could respond, Andrea chimed in “Gosh, I love my boyfriend, but I actually kinda miss break-ups.  They are always so great for personal growth!”  Everyone else exchanged half-amused, half-incredulous glances - and I swear, I could hear silent groans - as we calculated that the last time Andrea had undergone a break-up was when she was 20!   I was afraid people would start throwing shoes at her!

I could read my friends’ minds (it was on mine too!)  No matter how independent, happy and evolved you are, you eventually get to an age (for most of us late 20s onwards) when you’re just plain tired of the “post-break-up personal growth”.  Break-up recuperation gets harder.  You can have the best attitude about being single and cognitively you still see what a good growing experience that relationship / break-up had been…  Except going back to “square one” becomes increasingly tiring and you certainly don’t want to hear an “egg’s” perspective on being a single “chicken”.  Ok, I am done with that metaphor, I promise.

I certainly don’t blame Andrea for her views (I won’t invite her out with my friends again, but  I don’t blame her.)  I know I didn’t get this when I was 23 or even 28.  I probably still don’t get it on the same level as my 40s friends.  And, call me a wimp, but I hope I never do because by 40 (let’s call it 33!) I am in a wonderful, committed relationship with my life partner.  In the meanwhile, with every relationship and subsequent break-up, I am starting to get it a bit more - actually way too well for comfort!

And how about you? What do you think?  Do break-ups get harder with time?  How did you handle it when you were in your teens, 20s, 30s…?  What is your perspective now? I am curious to hear about your experiences!

The conference was packed with dynamic, brilliant, interesting people - characters, to say the least. I was fortunate enough to befriend a good number of them, including “Isabelle” who runs a successful on-line dating company (and is single, stunning and fun!) It was clear that she was just as interested in encountering play partners as business partners. And she was definitely not alone - conferences in general are (in)famous for people looking to hook up. You may remember what happened at the last one I attended.

With three nights of parties - I am still exhausted - crammed with men (did you know that the on-line dating industry is completely dominated by males?) Isabelle had plenty of opportunities to hook up. In the mornings I’d get cliff notes about her conquests - usually in the bathroom - and then a full report at dinner. I had the feeling of de-ja-Sex in the City.

And as I listened to Isabelle’s colorful stories - with a mix of admiration for her spontaneity and concern for her safety - it was clear that in this episode Isabelle played the role of the glamorous, uninhibited, take-no-prisoners-but-still-use-handcuffs Samantha and I of the pearls-wearing, super cautious, idealistically-romantic Charlotte. I was almost embarrassed to admit that I had never had a one-night stand. Between a new male friend affectionately teasing me for being a “good girl” and Isabelle bluntly telling me after a few drinks that I am “a little square” you can see I was in a bit of a quandary. If everyone is having so much fun doing it, the logical question becomes - am I totally missing out by NOT?

I suspect that every “Charlotte” at one point or another has wished that she were more of a “Samantha.” That she could get out of her head for ONCE, go with the flow and not consider consequences of her impulses. In fact, to not even have in her vocabulary words like “consider” and “consequences”! But the thing is - we’re just not Samantha. In our ever-conscientious brains we have a tally running of pros (fun, excitement, never having to tell people you haven’t had a one-night stand) and cons (STDs, demise of professional reputation, disliking self in the morning, etc.) The cons always seem to win.

In our heated sex-in-Miami discussions, Isabelle argued that the capacity to go with one’s feelings and enjoy the moment is a higher form of consciousness. That when we express love, physical or emotional, it raises our spiritual vibration and attracts more of what we want. And it’s FUN! I can see how liberating and fun and fabulous it could be… But no matter how I try and convince myself that casual sex is a good idea for ME, I fail to feel it.

At the risk of sounding like Carrie (which I’ve already been accused of), each person has to go with our gut or hormones or whatever we feel most compelled to listen to. If I have to expend that much energy on convincing myself that something I don’t feel good about is the right thing to do because it will raise my spiritual vibration (or cast me as Samantha in the next episode of Sex-less in the City)… I think I’ll pass. And if at any point winds change and the compass points to “hot hook-up opportunity at 2 o’clock” I’ll be delighted to follow it. Till then, I’ll follow my own bliss and your juicy stories (please!)

So what do YOU believe about casual sex? Is it good, bad, liberating, disappointing, advisable, path to higher consciousness? Has your view of it changed over time? And if so, what changed your mind? Talk to me!

Last month’s Inc. magazine featured the PlentyofFish.com founder who works two hour a day and makes $10 million / year. That was the final straw - I’ll have what HE is having! Come to find out there’s a multi-billion dollar industry out there aimed at getting singles to open up our hearts through our wallets. And, they all descend on Miami this week to learn, connect and figure out how to sell us more love potions at the iDate Conference. I couldn’t think of a better place to be! So I am flying to Miami for some major datective work as I investigate “whos, whats and hows” of the dating industry and start brainstorming how it could be done better (maybe even by someone like me

Stay tuned for updates (via Twitter) right from the dating trenches!

I must say, I was stunned. And this time not by my date’s beauty but by his complete transmutation from Mr. Gorgeous-Nice-Guy to Mr. McDaddy-Creepy! What’s even more uncanny is that my meal on the date ended up being the perfect metaphor for the date! Promising to be heart-warming, nurturing and delightful, it (and HE) unexpectedly turned out to be the exact opposite: too-cool, greasy and barely palpable!

To sum up:

• Shy turned Player. Incomprehensible how the seemingly sweet, low-key guy I met last week could so suddenly mutate into a creepy, scuzzy, playboy! He said that at first he is shy but once he gets comfortable, he is “ON”! Apparently, he became super comfortable with me because at one point he started grunting. Think Tim-the-tool-man-Taylor minus the accompanying humor. Never thought I’d miss being barked at!
• Self-qualifiers. My dad always says “don’t listen to words, listen to behavior.” Couldn’t agree more. Especially when people self-qualify “I am a gentleman” or “I respect women” or “I am SHY” or “I don’t like to talk about myself” prior to talking about himself and his conquests all night.
• TMI. Not only did I learn way more about his intimate life than I ever wanted to know, let alone in the fist hour of the first date, he mentioned his exes by their first AND last names. Not sure if he thought I’d want references, but who talks about their former partners without any discretion whatsoever?! That’s just class-less!

I’ll spare you further details but suffice to say I’m a bit disappointed. It’s so rare that I become infatuated, I was hoping to hang on to that fantasy for a bit.  At the same time, I’m incredibly relieved that I discovered the frog before falling for the “false prince”.  Some people I know haven’t been so lucky.

Has that ever happened to you? Totally misjudging the book for its cover? Stories of dates with double personalities? Getting grunted at? Something?! Please relate so I don’t start thinking it’s just me!

After excusing myself from several mindlessly unremarkable conversations with totally unremarkable people I escaped to the bar. And there he was, Mr. Gorgeous, totally by himself, as though waiting for me to stop by. My heart dropped as I mustered every ounce of my courage to say hello. I must admit, it’s in these types of circumstances that I admire men most. I mean it’s usually up to them to approach US! And some of us (present company excluded, of course) are not that nice when they do. Hmm, I wonder whether this is exactly why on-line dating has become so wildly popular. Emailing someone is infinitely less intimidating than approaching them out in the wild!

As it turns out, Mr. Gorgeous (or Mr. G, as he shall be known from this point forward) is one of these stunning SHY men who doesn’t realize how truly beautiful he is and as a result has managed to develop a fantastic personality as well! The unfortunate part about his shyness was that it was hard to tell if he was into me or just merely polite. After chatting for a while - about who remembers what, as I was totally infatuated - we exchanged cards and I promised to send him the article we apparently discussed. Reluctantly, I walked away and found myself in the sea of unremarkable men vying for female attention. The room once again became a little dimmer (in addition to Mr. G’s smile disappearing from my radar, someone turned down the lights and turned the music WAY up.) Sally and I made a beeline for the door.

The moment I got home that night my hands started itching to email him. You know that feeling - like your hands have a mind of their own and they are not listening to your sensible head advising you to wait a bit. It took herculean effort to occupy myself with something else - sitting on my hands - before I headed to bed. On Sunday I ran away from home early for the fear that the darn hands would take over and email Mr. G prematurely. By that night I couldn’t wait any longer. I spent an embarrassing amount of time composing a three-sentence email that could be construed as friendly, flirtatious or just professional depending on the recipient’s interest level. I held my breath as I hit send / receive…

At that same EXACT moment - 8:58pm - a new email popped into my Inbox and guess who it was from! I kid you not - my heart just about stopped. Of all the hours, minutes and seconds between our meeting on Saturday and 8:58 on Sunday, how is it possible that we choose precisely the same moment to email each other!? WOW, we must be cyberpathic (similar to telepathic - or in my case telePATHETIC - but on email!)

So to fast-forward several emails where he shyly tried to express interest (at least that’s how I chose to interpret it) and me not-so-subtly trying to get him over his shyness and ask me out - we’re going out on Friday! Hallelujah!!! There is a higher power! Laws of attraction at work right here, ladies and gentlemen! Whew!

Except… it’s been a looong time since I’ve been this infatuated. And it feels somewhere between thrilling and downright terrifying! Not at all safe, which I often have a luxury of being, as the guy assertively does all the wooing work. Nope, I am pretty sure that for a change I may be WAY more out on the limb here. This is such unfamiliar - and did I mention SCARY - territory!

Am I going to fall off and get hurt? Should I play it cool, keep my expectations low, coach myself to stay aloof (or at least my version of aloof which is not at all!) Or should I let myself get excited, dreamy and totally unlike the usual-sensible-me? Any words of advice, wisdom or sanity would be hugely appreciated. With DAYS to pace on pins and needles (see, already this sounds painful) I can use all the help I can get!

The skeptical part of me sees their point - most romantic comedies depict scenarios that are quite far-fetched. When was the last time you heard about a millionaire falling for a hooker (Hugh Heffner and his half-dozen barely-legal girlfriends not withstanding - yes, I know they’re not technically hookers.) And in every-day life “you’ve got mail” does not usually produce a Meg Ryan or a Tom Hanks type - it produces someone who worships fruit flies or themselves! Then again, none of my relationships ended due to him drowning to an Anya song (at least as far as I know).

On the other hand, the girly romantic part of me truly believes that there are soul mates (I just have yet to meet him), that flowers on random occasions is perfectly normal (because it was in at least two of my relationships) and that it’s possible to be with someone who treats you as though you’re god’s gift to the world (been there too!) Obviously, none of those relationships have worked out, but they made me certain that you CAN have it all (and hopefully in the same package when it IS your soul mate you’re with).

And what about the other real-life relationship parts where life throws you lemons and you have to jointly make grape juice? I admit, I haven’t met many couples who have the type of a relationship I am looking for, but I’ve met a few. I see how they balance out each other’s strengths and weaknesses, support each other in triumphs and defeats and laugh with rather than at each other. That’s what I want (I can live without the roses.)

So with all my might, as I click my hills together and wish upon a star, I know that my soul mate is out there and no romantic movie critic will convince me that wanting what I want is unattainable! At least that’s my belief - I’d appreciate it if you left my pink bubble intact!

And what do you think? Do romantic movies raise unrealistic expectations about relationships? What about other types of media? In what way do you think the entertainment industry influences our desires, expectations and ultimately, relationships?