Add your own in the comment section.

Wanted
Yak Bak with prerecorded messages. Keeper at the Atmosphere Plant tired of hearing own voice. Call 1-800-IM BORED.
Contributed by Karla Chapman

Having trouble producing eggs?
Try our new Thark fertility pill. Guaranteed to work in 30 days or your money back. Just $19.95 – Call now and we’ll throw in your own personal incubator. Hurry while supplies last. Call 1-800-YES-YOLK.
Contributed by Karla Chapman

Position wanted
Unemployed Thark seeking position as marriage counselor, hatchling abuse therapist, and or social etiquette technician. All replies considered. Contact: Sarkoja at # no. 4, Red Moss-Way Blvd., Thark.
Contributed by Blane Eckman

Travel
Exotic luxury cruises on the River of Mystery. Now available: Tours of the Valley Dor. Watch the sunrise strike the Golden Cliffs. See the plant men munch on hapless goofs who still cling to the false religion! See the great apes rend their victims! Watch the banths feast on suculent flesh! Incredible passage beneath the Otz Mountains included in package. Thurid is your cruise director. Nightly entertainment by “Matai Shang and the Shangrilas”

HELP WANTED
Someone to tend the fires. See Ghron, the mad Jed of Ghasta. Also need belly dancers and a bowling partner.

Sith fighter on the Kaolian Road. No allergies to bees, please. Contact Torkar Bar, dwar of the road.

Submarine operator. Boring job, and not much traffic these days. Great for student who needs time to study. Contact Zithad.

Night watchman to guard the Thark incubator. Good sakker gets job. See Tars Tarkas.

Librarian for Temple of Knowledge. Familiarity with metal and harness of every Barsoomian nation required. Contact Dejah Thoris, curator.

Personal Assistant to the Warlord sought. Sorry, my princess wonât allow me to have female slaves. Duties include wiping blood from my sword, cleaning up after Woola and painting my body red during undercover missions. Must enjoy being on the short end of overwhelming odds. Occasional visits to Jasoom for chit-chat with nephew. See John Carter.

REAL ESTATE
Best condominiums on Barsoom! Lowest prices allowed by law! Incredible ocean view! Friendly neighbors! Top-notch security! Vollyball! Free money! Lots of babes! Treasure! Contact Anatok, Jed of Gooli.

Entire city for sale. Good location for secret experiments. A little gooey, so may need mopping. See Ras Thavas, Morbus.

SERVICES
Have ape act, will entertain. Great for birthday parties. See Gor Hajus.

Will work for food (preferably plump red women). Former deity with extensive experience bending slaves to her will, cackling, and overseeing deadly rites seeks work with friendly, backwards nation. No green men, please. Issus.

FOR SALE
Play pranks on friends with Cloak of Invisibility. Spy on wife. Get out of work. Evade enemies. Lotsa fun. Also available: Flying Death. See Phor Tak.

Painting of John Carter and Dejah Thoris on black velvet. Winner of last year’s Jeddak’s Award. Also available: “Calots Playing Poker.” Great for den or office. Contact: Sanoma Tora.

LOST
Rykor. It wandered off while I was in the john at the Warlord’s Ball on Saturday night. Big reward! Contact Ghek soon. My chelae are killing me.

PERSONALS
Rich and noble seeks same
Need someone of my own status or greater. Must be loaded. Willing to relocate. I’m a beauty, but don’t mind greaseball if he’s rich. Sanoma Tora.

Boyish good looks
Tomboy with hidden good figure seeks manly brute for adventure. Can hold my own in a fight. Widely traveled. Just a slave, but have feeling of nobility. Tavia.

Bitch sought
Contact Woola at the Warlord’s palace.

Smart seeks same
Fine speciman of a red man seeks fine red woman. Good cook desired. Conversation not required. No hormads, please. Tun Gan.

Brain seeks Brain
See Luud in Bantoom.

I’ve been wanting to get the Panthan Press site back up for a while, and now it is. I hope you enjoy the new arrangement. I’ll be uploading the Dateline Jasoom archives on this blog, under the podcast category. There are 49 full episodes, plus shorter updates from past Dum-Dums. And I’ll be recording new shows soon, too. Stay tuned!