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Why Taking Initiative Will Score You the Guy You Really Want

On our quest to figure out what works (and doesn’t) when it comes to meeting men we like, we tend to make very crude gender generalizations. For example, men are shameless w—-s who find all women desirable, while ladies are finicky and particular, only accepting dates and sexual invitations from men who fit what they want long-term.

But what if those assumptions aren’t due to biology, but to socialization? A recent study by Finkel & Eastwick revealed that dating might be very different if we didn’t expect guys to be “men of action,” asking for our number, inviting us out, initiating the kiss. If women were the ones doing the approaching and the choosing, perhaps we would be happier with the men we met.

The team tracked 350 college students taking part in speed dating. Traditionally the men get up and circulate the girls (women mustn’t move, they have purses, the researchers explain) and when this was the case the men were consistently more smitten with the girls. However, when women were forced to get up and make the rounds, while men sat and looked pretty, the opposite was true.

The researchers found that the speed daters who approached their partners relative to those who stayed sitting would experience a greater romantic desire and chemistry toward their partners, and were more likely to respond, ‘Yes, I would see this person again’ to their partners. In other words, the people who rotated from person to person were less selective than those sitting, regardless of which gender was doing the rotating.

So what can we glean from this? That if we aren’t finding any good men it’s perhaps because we’re not pursuing enough of them? Speed-dating scholars (didn’t know those existed, did ya?) aren’t jumping to conclusions, except to say that more research is needed to determine if choosiness is gendered or not. In the meantime, we’re going with the best of both worlds: actively pursuing a lot of men, so we’re likely to find one we like, and assuming that most men find us attractive (a little self-confidence can’t hurt, right).

Women Date 5 Bad Guys Before 1 Nice Guy
October 21, 2009 by Kelli DesRochers

I just read a thought-provoking piece of advice from advice columnist E. Jean in Elle magazine’s November issue. A self-proclaimed nice guy (characterized as shy, clean-cut, good job, drug- and alcohol-free) asked E. Jean why women would choose. to date five different types of jerks before even considering dating him. He even stated these specific jerk types as A. users, B. jailbirds, C. druggies, D. abusers, and E. cheaters. I’m not sure that we need to go so far as to categorize “bad guys”…let’s just say that anyone who was overly selfish, caused you to feel bad about yourself, and/or left you a complete mess when the relationship ended qualifies.

E. Jean’s response was quite interesting! While most who hear this story would respond with the usual “There are women out there looking for a nice guy so you just have to wait until you find each other” E. Jean responded with:

“An amiable woman will endure the depredations of five assholes before she accidentally meets a good guy and falls for him…Place yourself where there are high numbers of women. It will then become a mathematical certainty you’ll meet a woman who has maxed out on cads.”

Wow! My first reaction was anger because, of course, I am a woman and I take offense to the idea that the only way that I would be interested in a nice guy would be if I was just completely rundown by dating a long list of bad guys. No way! Women aren’t like that! Or…are they? Well now that I think about it, E. Jean’s advice might be unconventional but it may be more realistic than what we have been telling nice guys for years.

The truth is that most women do end up dating a lot of jerks. Think about your friends and how many times you have given each other advice about choosing the wrong men. It’s not uncommon, so it’s must be accepted. Women are attracted to the guys with the good looks and big personalities who oftentimes have a selfish attitude in a relationship.

I think it all boils down to an issue of confidence. Guys want girls with confidence, and girls want guys with confidence. It’s just a natural competitive spirit that we want the one who all the others want…we can’t help it! If we are dating the hot, outgoing, funny, and super desirable (read: confident!) guy then we feel good about ourselves and we get a little personal boost. The nice guy also wants the girl with similar characteristics…but who is that top dog going to end up dating?

The nice guy probably just needs to work on his shyness so that he can exude a personality of confidence. He doesn’t have to be a jerk, he just has to be noticed! He can’t let himself disappear into the shadows and let the top dogs steal all of the attention.

He also needs to search out those women who are more like him. The women who like the nice guys are probably the women who are the nice girls. Instead of shooting for the one getting all of the attention at the bar, shoot for the shy girl in the corner who might have a lot more in common with you.

So yes, it is true that women date a lot of jerks. But I also still believe that if you are a nice guy, there is a nice girl out there who truly is looking for someone just like you without dating a list of bad guys first.
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CARLOS XUMA COMMENTS:

First of all, the terminology is too black & white when we talk about “bad boys.” It’s not just one shade.

Second of all, if a woman dates a “nice guy” just because she’s been burned a few too many times, she’s either learning, or she’s just taking a rest. There’s a reason these guys are attractive to a woman, and if she denies that by just settling for a polar opposite, both of them will get burned.

If not now, later.

What do you think?

Yesterday at this concert there was a beautiful girl that I kept locking eyes with and as the night went on she gravitated towards me and eventually was literally right up against me. There was only one way to mess this opportunity up, and that was to not say anything. Thats exactly what I did. After about an hour of me battling my anxiety I watched a guy come out of nowhere, open her, and bring her away from me. . .

I was actually playing xbox as I was reading this (post), and I literally stopped everything I was doing, turned off the 360, and did exactly what you said. I meditated. I gave my self 30 minutes. it took me almost two hours.

I thought about the experience yesterday, and the many situations in the past just like it. I’ve been reading this stuff for a while now, but Ive just been frozen by this approach anxiety.

Not anymore. Today i can honestly say that my life has changed. Thank you
______________________
CARLOS XUMA COMMENTS:

You’re welcome.

If you’re wondering what he read, it was my article on approach anxiety.

If only guys understood just how easy it is to get past your inner hurdles by getting rid of the distractions in life.

There are a ton of ways that today’s world is robbing men of their masculinity by making things too “easy” on you.

Want a little injection of pleasure? Twitch your thumbs a bit on your playstation controller.

Want more pleasure? Sit back and watch TV.

Numb out.

Check out…

This guy GETS it now. And it only took him 2 hours to change his entire LIFE.

Might take you a little less, maybe a bit more.

Do you think it’s worth it…?

Will you actually DO it?

I hope so.

Watch for my Approach Anxiety Annihilator coming soon.

And it will help you do the seemingly impossible…

For now, go get the basic tools for overcoming Approach Anxiety

Click here to kill approach anxiety dead…

Modern man a wimp says anthropologist

You start to hit it off, and it’s certain you’ll be seeing her again.

Awesome! Now what do you do?

Here’s the thing… most guys are so focused on just getting the date, they don’t bother to learn anything about how to give a woman pleasure, or how to be a masterful lover.

And I’m not just talking about rapport or vibing or what to do on a 2nd date… I’m talking about creating a powerful, exciting sexual relationship with a woman. I’m talking wild-screaming orgasms and rip-up the sheets wake the neighbors sex.

Let’s not kid ourselves here… Men want to be with women because we want to enjoy wild-sexy-fun with them. But here’s something most guys don’t understand, or don’t believe… WOMEN WANT HOT SEX!

In fact, they want it even more than you.

But they have been trained by society to never act on these desires because they will be labeled a “slut.” You have to know women want sex and know it’s your job to get her to open up and let her wild sexual side come out to play.

BE THE LOVER SHE NEVER FORGETS There is one man who has made it his life’s work to teach men and couples how to have wildly exciting relationships.

His name is David Shade, and he shows men the secrets of how to be the kind of lover women NEVER forget. His methods are lethally effective. In fact, he warns men to be sure and ‘choose wisely’ because the women will become ADDICTED to the pleasure you give them.

He has a new book out called: The Secrets of Female Sexuality: I highly recommend you grab a copy, it’s a book all men should read. And, I recommend you get it on Wednesday October 7, because David is having a special celebration for the new book.

Buy it on that day and you’ll get access to over $300 in bonus gifts from some of the top dating & relationships experts. Also, if you buy it today, you’ll have a chance to win copies of David’s other products.

He will be picking winners every hour from 10 AM to 6 PM Eastern from those who buy the book and register for the bonuses. Full details and a list of all the bonus goodies are here:
The Secrets of Female Sexuality

Your friend,

Carlos Xuma

P.S. No matter how wild your fantasies are about women… David has done them in real life. Using his methods you can get your woman to do ANYTHING you desire in the bedroom.

P.P.S. The book is only $13.58 and you get over $300 worth of bonus goodies. It’s a helluva deal. But only on Wednesday October 7.

Do you have this kind of voice inside your head…?

This kind of coach kicking you in the ass when you start crying “But it’s so hard!”

Get motivated.

I’m a huge fan of your stuff – especially ultimate inner game has helped me tremendously.

I just have a quick question:
I always hear that being grounded/slow with measured speech is very masculine and looking at different role models, it certainly is.

however, there is also a side of my personality that is very hyper, fidgety and silly – not to impress others, more like for self amusing.
I feel like that very “centered man” part of me is very aware and peaceful, however it lacks some laughing and fun at times (and james bond and clint eastwood never really seem to laugh and joke around a lot…)

should I suppress that high-energy part of me (or ground it via meditation) if I want to be a “real alpha”?

or could I even reconcile those two?

thanks a lot for your help,
your friend from germany

- Leo
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CARLOS ANSWERS:

You should “ground” that energy so that it doesn’t get away from you. Enthusiasm is great, and necessary. But you don’t want to come across as a “spaz.”

Meditation can take off some of that edge.

Even if you don’t feel nervous, looking like you are is going to work against you.

Just make sure you don’t “over correct” and lose that fire and passion…

Tune in on Sirius or XM satellite radio!

- Carlos Xuma