Dating Advice, Relationship Problems

What Do Guys Really Want?

2012-01-22T17:45:00.000-08:00

If you are a woman currently dating men who seem to be frustrating you about what they really want in a relationship, you might want to read this interesting article on Match.com. Check it out here.

You Can't Make Someone Love You...

2012-01-16T12:50:00.000-08:00

How many times have you argued with your mate and thought, "Does he/she really love me? Why does this person keep causing drama between us by doing dumb things? Doesn't he/she care about how I feel?" Anyone who continues to do more of the same hurtful things to you, doesn't love you. Therefore, why do you keep trying to make this person do things that he/she just isn't willing and/or capable of doing?

We have all been guilty of trying to make someone do something that we want in past or current relationships. We try explaining our dos and don't list, manipulating situations to generate a desired outcome, and getting others to talk to this person. Some of those past dates just didn't get it, so what did we do? We either kept trying until one or both called it quits. You can't make someone love you, so we have heard in love songs. But some of us, are hell-bent on making something work that obviously doesn't work anymore.

The relationship experts tell us to communicate. So we do. The best friend whom you confide in advises to, "Stick it out." But what does your gut say?

Stop arguing, making love, using the silent treatment, gossiping about your mate, and anything else that keeps you upset, and just listen to that quiet voice within, "I can't make you love me if you don't."
Sooner or later that knucklehead will get it, and hopefully he or she will get the message before it's too late.

Nicholl McGuire
Check out my love poems .

What You Should Know About Your Partner this Year

2012-01-05T07:30:00.000-08:00

It's a new year, happy new year to you and yours! You know when a new year comes, people can't help but start looking around for things to clean up. One area of their lives they start to take a closer look at is their relationships--uh oh! Now this article doesn't suggest any break up tips or anything that would cause more challenges in your relationship. But what this article does do is encourage you to learn more about that person you are dating, living with, engaged to, or just creeping with on the side. Oh yeah, some of you reading this have been playing two even three partners and you know that it's time to get serious this year! Narrow your choice down to one, so that you can focus on other things like your career for starters!

So what should you know about your partner? You should know more than your neighbors that's for sure! Some couples are so busy doing other things that the neighbors know their schedules. These couples are nothing more than roommates. When is there time to really get to know your mate other than his or her Facebook status update? These couples come and go and are rarely seen together.

You should also know more about your partner than your best friend! There is a problem when couples don't bother to know even the simplest details about their partners, yet if the friend comes over this person is taking notes like a student preparing for an exam. He or she can tell you all about your woman or man, now that's bad! There is a serious problem developing in your friendship and possibly relationship when this happens. You may want to also learn more about your friend's wants in life--hmmm.

Anyway, so you have selected or have been selected by someone who really cares about you. This person is for the most part nice to you. He or she has expressed interest in drawing closer to you. What you will want to do is pay close attention to your partner's interests (both new and old.) You can grow a closer bond to someone when you care about the things that they care about.

Ask yourself, "Has my man/woman changed since the first time I met him/her and how so?" What could you do differently to show your support? You will want to think about what your mate said to you in the past about his or her goals. Is he or she really working toward them? Could you be encouraging or hindering your partner? Know what your mate likes to do. There are those things that the public knows about, but do you sincerely know what your sweetie likes to do privately.

Also, consider where you are spiritually as a couple. Now is your partner on-board with your spiritual beliefs or disbelief? How close are you to tying the knot that is if you haven't already? Have you discussed a marriage date with your partner? If you are already married, what more should you be doing to build your relationship up?

Now these kinds of thoughts and questions will make you want to sit down with your loved one and find out more. Some of you reading this may want to snoop in his or her things too (which I don't suggest.) But if there are some things that are bugging you and you can't get straight answers, then do what you must by first talking and then acting. If you know that you really don't know the answers to these questions mentioned in this article, then you should ask them and more questions--a little each day or weekly until you have some peace of mind. But never bombard your mate with serious relationship questions; otherwise, you will start an argument and you may leave her or him feeling confused. Also, never ask questions when your partner hasn't eaten, tired, sick, watching a favorite show or just back home from doing whatever, it will only cause problems.

Some singles complain about a partner who cheated on them in the past. They may also have a bad attitude toward the opposite sex because they have some unresolved issues. A lot of these challenges could have been dealt with without feelings of regret had only some couples stopped looking inward so much before certain bad experiences happened--the writing was most likely on the wall before things happened.

Make a point not to be like some of these singles who haven't dated in a long time and who spend a lot of time asking questions like, "Why do I feel...Why doesn't he...Why can't she..." The pity party does nothing but turn into anger and resentment and before long you are fighting with your mate.

There isn't anything wrong with occasionally asking yourself questions like the ones above, but at some point, if you care anything about the relationship, you should be looking at the positive that your partner does do; rather than the negative feelings you have about one issue or the other. As you may have already experienced in your relationship, emotions are temporary, but actions last a lifetime.

Nicholl McGuire

Check out more of my work here.

Men: How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend, Ex Fiance, Ex Wife Back

2011-12-20T17:05:00.000-08:00

Don't miss out on a great opportunity to make a lasting impression on the ex. Who knows, you might win your woman back?

How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend, Ex Fiance, Ex Wife Back

Arguing - Nothing You Can Do About It

2011-12-10T17:35:00.000-08:00

As long as two people live together with strong views about any and everything, there is nothing neither can do about arguing except try to listen and do what the other wants.

Tempers will flare in any relationship and that is normal. People will grow cold toward one another. Some will act violently, while others will take a long walk. Some people choose the silent treatment. Although a dispute may start out okay doesn't necessarily mean it will end okay, so a person in a relationship must use wise judgment when defending his or her point of view.

If you think you can be in a relationship with a strong-minded individual and not argue, forget it! There are those who are strong minds that can be quiet and tune people out, but how long do you think they can get away with that? Someone somewhere is catching hell because someone in a controlling relationship simply doesn't know how to vent in a healthy way that gets his or her partner to listen. Meanwhile, the partner is a hot-head ready to blow up about the slightest thing, because his or her partner chooses not to communicate with him or her.

If you think you can manage, control or regulate someone to get you to behave in the way you want, you have your work cut out for you! For the naive, ignorant and previously abused, a controlling partner might have some success with getting his partner to behave. However, a person who is far removed from his or her youthful foolishness and doesn't have the patience or strength to deal with someone trying to manage them, will not sit quietly and let you talk (at least not for long) especially if what you are saying doesn't have anything to do with the topic at hand, appears that you are lying or side-stepping on the issues, or acting strangely.

There comes a point when you will either have to make yourself learn how to present issues in the relationship in a positive manner complete with a nice dining experience or just watch the movie and stay out of the turbulent scenes. It won't be easy, because most likely your leading lady or man will want to bring you into the drama.

Couples who started early on in the relationship disputing most likely will continue, but not as often (keeping in mind there isn't nothing seriously affecting their relationship) this usually happens due to age, personal improvements, workplace changes, etc. However, you never know what might keep a couple arguing for years. Hormonal issues, past problems, cheating, relatives, a newborn, teenagers, physical and emotional problems, alcohol or drug abuse, any issue like these can keep two people at each other's throats. Nothing can be done about the arguing until someone makes up in his or her mind to get the help he or she needs.

So when you argue a point, try to do it fairly, wisely and most of all limit the time you are doing it. Hopefully, there will be peace in your home after the storm.

Nicholl McGuire

Is There Anyone Who Loves You More than the One Who Does Right Now?

2011-11-18T09:44:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you will dislike your partner, even wish you never met him or her. But, you have to ask yourself, is there anyone who will love you more than this person does right now (besides God and parents of course.) The answer is, "No." You might say, but what about this...or what about that..? Love takes time. Are you patient enough and determined to make love work the second, third, fourth or even fifth time or more again with this one or someone different?

We might assume because someone else (that one who keeps looking at you at the workplace or the friendly girl down the street) who wishes to be a part of your life is Mr. Right or Ms. Right, but don't be so sure.

Love isn't about who makes you tingle inside and makes you feel 10 years younger as I'm sure you have already learned the hard way. Love is far more deeper than that! We should think, that maybe just maybe, the reason why the person who is currently in your life sticks around is because he or she just simply wants to be with you or maybe he or she hasn't found your replacement yet. But why worry over the, "Why does she (or he) still want me?"

We all know that to stick it out with a person, any person for that matter, requires effort. You may ask yourself, "What am I willing to tolerate from this person and what is it that I will not put up with anymore?" If you can go the distance with this person, good, bad or otherwise, good for you! However, if the relationship is mentally, physically and spiritually draining to the point that you feel like you are going crazy, then you have to ask yourself, "What is wrong with me? Why do I continue to hold on to someone or something in this relationship that doesn't love me back? You know that love doesn't hurt, right?

Forget about looking for the next pretty face or handsome guy to sweep you away, fall in love with yourself again and that one who puts up with you no matter what. Sweep your self off your feet by coming up higher out of negative circumstances, and know that you can get yourself out of any rut with faith, "true" love, and above all work!

God bless.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love Myself on Amazon.com

Thoughts on Reconciliation

2011-08-25T13:49:00.000-07:00

Looking at the sheer number of people who break up and vow to never go back to an old flame, it seems that there just isn't any hope for couples who desire to reconcile. Could it be that many of these "break up to make up" type of relationships end up not lasting unto death, simply because people are too caught up with the warm, fuzzy feelings that come with getting back together?

I decided to interview myself on this issue of reconciliation since I have been there and done that many times. During my quiet meditation, I believe I had heard some of the wisest words in a long time from my Creator which many of you are already familiar. I suggest you go to the Holy Bible and look up I Corinthians 13 and read about love. He asked me to ask myself, "Can I be patient? Can I be kind? Can I no longer keep record of wrongs?" How I felt about these questions and the way I answered them said a lot to me about reconciling with my past.

You see, all it takes is a reality check with one's self to realize that maybe, just maybe a reconciliation might work. But are you truly willing to let go and move on into a relationship with someone who you at one time thought to yourself, "I wish I never met her/him?" Think about it.

Nicholl McGuire

Something to think about...Be Nice to Your Mate

2011-08-24T13:19:00.000-07:00

When you find yourself wishing that you could improve upon your existing relationship, be careful because it is only a matter of time that you will start listing everything that is wrong with your mate.

Sometimes it is simply better to let your relationship just be. So you had an argument the other day that was so bad that the cops should have been called. Did anyone get physically abused? If not, what you worried about? Well, "he might hurt me in the future" or "she is crazy enough to punch my lights out." Well if it is that serious, well you don't need me to tell you what you should be doing or maybe you should, visit: http:// laboringtoloveanabusivemate.blogspot.com if this describes you. However, for those of you who just get really loud when you argue and look really crazy, let's talk about the relationship.

If your mate is oftentimes bringing out the best in you, then why not stay? And seriously what do you need to work on in your relationship? How about being nice more often. That's right, simply be nice. You remember that is what a relative may have told you back in the day. "Be nice son...be nice daughter...don't want to hear about you misbehaving!"

Do you have a good support system around you? Do you pray? Are you drug and alcohol free? Then focus on your basic needs and the needs of your family while being nice. All the extra distractions like the TV, the friends, the relatives and other similar things will keep you fussing and irritated, know how to handle all with balance. Set aside time to manage each without letting it come between you and your mate.

But what if he or she just doesn't get you? Well, maybe you might have to do something that says, "I think we need to reach a compromise before I start thinking about packing my bags." Hey, it just might work. You see, sometimes we get so comfortable with people that we don't bother doing our best at home or work. But what a reality check when you start making life inconvenient for the slackers!

Some of you may think that there is someone out there who is better, and most likely there is, but good luck trying to find him or her in a sea of billions of people. There comes a point in any relationship where you just have to make up in your mind that you just want to be with the person you are now with come hell or high water and that divorce is no option.

Once you have reached the point in your relationship where you know there is no breaking up, just working to stay together, you will no longer wonder if that girl at work is "the one" or if that man up the street will make a good dad.

We wouldn't be human if we didn't think about that nice looking guy or gal we passed by on the street. However, we must arrest our emotions and know that someone at home is waiting for us and that our mate is the one that completes us.

Nicholl McGuire

Break Up Withdrawal

2011-08-18T18:21:00.000-07:00

If you have ended a relationship recently with someone, then you should know exactly what the title of this entry means, "Break Up Withdrawal." Like a drug addict trying to sober up, a person who has recently broken up with someone is going to go through withdrawal.

There are the stomach, head and chest aches whenever you think of this person or hear his or her name. You may also experience mood swings that make you angry one minute and sad the next. There is usually a strong desire to be with him or her, but after a lengthy discussion one realizes that his or her decision to let go was best.

You will miss your ex and at times will go over in your head the events that led to your break up. At times, you think he or she is the worst person in the world and may tell everyone so via phone, poetry, music, or counseling, but secretly you know he or she isn't that bad.

You might surprisingly think about an ex from long ago and want to reconnect, because you desire a spark to make you feel alive again. Sometimes you may attend church services, listen to praise music, or connect with friends just to keep your mind off this person or to keep away the desire to sleep with an ex or get someone new. Break up withdrawal is serious!

But what keeps some people from going back to that one who has repeatedly hurt them? They have learned that just like they were passionate at one time to be with this person, they have learned to be equally passionate about not wanting to be with a former partner. I have heard people say, "When I break up with someone, I don't go back...I don't have sex...hang out--nothing!" What has made them so adamant about their actions? They have established boundaries that they will not permit themselves to break. What are your boundaries?

Some people don't bother to think about how they will deal with a break up until after the fact. When one breaks up with another, it is a process. You can't simply walk out the door and say, "That's it!" It's a journey toward healing. If you want to reach healing, you must allow yourself to do the following: cry, get angry, write a "Dear John" letter (that you don't send otherwise you are encouraging dialogue,) discuss your issues with a trusted friend, take care of yourself, and most of all establish a new life that no longer includes, "we." It's hard at times to get over someone and it may take a long-time; so take baby steps! However, keeping in contact with the person, seeing he or she everyday, and doing other things (like having sex with this person) will hinder the process. Know that you know that you know!

Nicholl McGuire

Don't Let the Romantic Couple Fool You

2011-08-09T19:10:00.000-07:00

I know it's hard right now for some couples in roller-coaster type relationships--up today and down tomorrow. They are at their wits end with a partner who just isn't fulfilling a need, listening, showing affection, etc. So your eyes start wandering, seeking couples out who appear to be in love. You wish the nice-looking couple seated on the park bench, talking by the pool, or eating side-by-side at the restaurant were you and yours. Well I got news for you...

Don't be jealous! Don't want what they have! I tell you it's short-lived and most always isn't what it appears to be behind closed doors no matter what they tell you! Some people love to create false fronts, so that those around them will say, "What a great couple! I wish that were me and..." These romantic couples believe that if they can create an image of "happy" and "in love" that it will help their relationship and in some cases it might. However, for some relationships, public displays of affection does nothing more than deceive those around them and puts yet another unnecessary burden on an already tensed relationship. Sure, there are those couples who are honestly in lust and/or in love. They will hug, kiss, cuddle, and more in public, but just like you experienced in years past, it isn't forever and always.

Feelings begin to go downhill as people get more comfortable with one another and then they sharply decline after one, two, three or more arguments. Now the once happy couple is looking around at other couples hoping that they could get back whatever they once had.

I think as a society, we have watched far too much romantic movies on TV and on the Internet. There are no happy ever afters! There are only happy sometimes afters (if that makes any sense.) I have personally witnessed couples who have been together for years argue, cuss, fuss, and fight over the littlest of things then turn around within minutes, hours or days and act as if nothing ever happened. I find that the couples who have been together for 20 plus years have just learned to let a lot go, it doesn't make them any better or special, they just go through the motions and then let go. These couples HAVE LEARNED to give one another a pass on many things and don't hold one another to any particular standards that include, "You will...You better or else..."

So as much as we like to mimic a favorite romantic movie scene, we must realize that there is fantasy and then there is reality. Take a moment to question what exactly you want from the relationship and then communicate it to your partner. When the mood comes upon you to be romantic then do it, don't contemplate it! Hold her hand, kiss his lips, or send your partner a nice card and/or gift.

Nicholl McGuire

6 Safety Precautions You Should Take Before & During Your Dating

2011-08-01T07:19:00.000-07:00

In one’s quest to find Mr. Right or Ms. Right, he or she will find that there are more Mr. and Ms. Wrongs. So that you are saving yourself time and money, learn how to protect yourself from a potentially bad date. There are tips discussed that may also save your life.

One. Take a self-defense course, watch an online video, or DVD about protecting yourself. You just never know a woman or man may act like a lady and gentleman at first, but spend a little time with them and they may do or say things that threaten you. Don’t get caught off guard. Learn maneuvers to restrain a woman who may be clawing or biting you. Find out how to fight a man who may be a lot bigger than you.

Two. When making arrangements to meet, let your date know that you have some things to do after the date. He or she may want to change the appointment, don’t do it. This will be your excuse in case you don’t like his or her company. If you don’t want to come off as a liar, really do plan to meet with relatives or friends after the date (Let them know in advance the name of the person and any other pertinent details you may have about him or her.) If it is too late to meet with family or friends, be sure you really do have work to do. You may tell your date that you have tasks to do such as ironing a shirt for the next morning, studying, cleaning your bathroom, and anything else that will send a message to him or her that these activities are more important than spending any more time with you. The last thing you want to be in anyone’s eyes including someone you are not fond of is a liar even if he or she is offended that you aren’t interested in them. You never know where you might see this person again.

Three. Don’t arrange to meet at your home or job on the first date. If you do this and the date doesn’t go well, you may receive pop up visits from him or her wanting to know when you will be available to go out again. Also, you don’t know enough about this person; he or she may be a stalker.

Four. Meet at a public area and drive your own vehicle. If you don’t have a car, be sure there are bus lines near the location. If you need to cut the date short, you definitely don’t want to have to rely on him or her for a ride. You may find yourself in his or her car having to listen to how bad of a person you are or arguing about some issue that happened during the date.

Five. Don’t ignore first impressions. The gut feeling or something told me feeling has saved many people’s lives. When you feel that this person may not be your ideal mate, don’t try to talk yourself into being in a relationship with him or her. Some people are gifted, being able to see what the future looks like with their date, and if you envision that you and the children you may have one day with this person will incur many problems, this isn’t an overactive imagination at work, this is a sign to keep away!

Six. Don’t plan to invite this person back to your home, hotel room, or any place where you will be out of the public eye. By accepting an invite or welcoming a date to your private spot especially during the first few dates, tells this person you are interested in him or her. If you find yourself on the fence about this person, don’t go back to their place thinking things will get better. Ask yourself this question, “How much time will I be spending in the bed with this person as compared to how much time I will be out of the bed with him or her?” Of course, you know the answer. So if this person irritates you, isn’t good-looking to you, and has bad breath, why settle?

Both men and women have a problem with rejection; therefore, one may not easily say no to another. If saying no is hard for you, then you will need to put a plan in place in advance that will help you let your date down gently once you discover that he or she isn’t right for you.

As mentioned earlier, you will want to include the following in your plan: skills on self defense, a plan of escape, limited conversation about where you live and where you work, arrange for your own transportation, keep your eyes open to things you don’t like about his or her personality, and avoid areas where you can’t be seen by the public.

By Nicholl McGuire

How Do You Know You No Longer Have a Friendship with Your Husband

2011-07-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

Good friends like good men are hard to come by and that is why some women will fight tooth and nail about their partners. They want to know that their partners will stick closer to them than they would their best friend. However, that is oftentimes not the case. Usually the friend outlasts all the relationships. You can’t help but think was the friend also responsible for some if not all the breakups? So how do you know that you are no longer your husband’s closest friend? Here’s how you can tell.

You don’t occasionally set some time aside to learn more about his interests and hobbies.

You do well listening to him when he tells you about things that matter like groceries, bills, doctor’s appointments, and children, but when he starts telling you about his game of golf, the workload at his job, or other things that you aren’t a least bit interested in, you zone out. If you remember, when you first dated him you managed to find a way to stay interested in what he had to say.

You talk negatively about him to family, friends and strangers.

When he does something right that doesn’t get as much of your media coverage as the bad news! Everyone knew about him screwing up the checkbook, destroying something in the house, or forgetting to get the car fixed, but when he does something thoughtful or nice, that news is buried somewhere between the celebrity news and the personals.

You lie to him without remorse.

You don’t have a problem telling him a story or two. In fact lies come off your lips faster than you can blink your eyes. Even if he knew the truth, you wouldn’t even feel a little bit sorry for what you said, because you don’t care. Now if one of your friends did what you are doing to your husband, you would chew her out! “How dare you lie to me! After all these years we have been friends. You know me better than that!” So why do you do that to your husband?

You cheat on him.

Maybe it was only one time, maybe it wasn’t really cheating just a peck on the lips, or maybe your old friend just tapped your behind, whatever “the it” was, would you be okay with him doing it to you. You may reason that he probably has already, but then again he probably hasn’t. Surely, you don’t want to carry that guilt around forever, repent of your sin to God and yourself and make some changes. He doesn’t need to know what you did unless you are sure he wouldn’t lose his top and possibly harm you!

You take money from him without asking.

Some women don’t mind taking their man’s ATM card or writing a check from his checking account. They may tell themselves, “Well he took money from me in the past. He promised to pay me back but didn’t. He won’t miss this and just a small amount.” Put yourself in his shoes, if you have plans to make a purchase with that money or pay a bill would you want you taking it? It’s just the principal of the thing.

You sell his things without talking to him first then keep the money for yourself.

So you didn’t bother to talk to him about his stuff that his been sitting over in that corner for months, does it give you the right to sell it? At some point he is going to want to look at his baseball card or stamp collection, that old dirty football with the signature on it, or take out his gun and give it a cleaning, what are you going to do, lie?

You abuse him mentally or physically behind closed doors or in front of others.

He may be a big man and you may be a little woman, but that big man has feelings. He may not look like he cares about what you say, but he does. He wants to know why you feel the need to embarrass him whenever family and friends come around. He wants to know why you don’t respect him. You may want to be an example to him and show him what love and respect looks like and maybe he will behave better with you too.

You blame him for everything.

Sometimes we all are in moods where it is everyone else’s fault but ours. But if that is your mood every day, see a doctor. There are vitamin deficiencies, hormonal imbalances, and other women related issues that cause us to feel angry, sad, depressed, or often irritated.

You often think of the past things he has done to you and act vengeful toward him.

How long is he going to have to pay for his mistake from years ago? You agreed to forgive him, but that doesn’t give you a license to keep hitting him with the same stuff over and over again. If you are still severely wounded by what he has done to you, get free, let him go.

You avoid talking to him intimately.

You refuse to share your feelings with him, because he isn’t worth it. Every time you attempted to in the past he was critical and threw things back up in your face, so now you just don’t bother telling him things. If this is the best way to handle your issues with him so be it. But if not, try sharing a few things and see what he does with them even after you have instructed him not to be critical or abusive with what you have told him. If he continues to act negatively, then go back to cutting him off until you see signs of change.

These signs have been picked because many women go through these changes in their marriages. They want to know if their husband is not only a provider, but there friend too. Sometimes it is helpful to re-evaluate your relationship to get the most out of it. The best relationships last 30 plus years because couples have learned to be each one's friends. They accept one another just as good friends do no matter what!

By Nicholl McGuire

He is Never There for Me When I Need Him Most

2011-07-13T06:52:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like your husband or partner just doesn’t seem to understand what his role in your life is supposed to be? You have explained to him many times how you feel about him and how you want him to be pro-active in your life, but even with the long speeches, the cries, and the anger outbursts, he still proceeds in the relationship as if he doesn’t care about you or the things that matter to you most like your family and friends.

Every woman in this situation has a choice and the obvious one is you either put up with his nonchalant, insensitive attitude or you tell him goodbye. Why is it that some men behave in this way? The answer is quite simple they don’t understand women and aren’t interested in learning more about them either. A man who truly respects , admires, and most importantly loves his woman is going to do what it takes to make a relationship work. Sometimes he needs her to guide him to the self-improvement book, drive him to the relationship counselor, or walk him to the bedroom -- wherever the problem is in the relationship, it is up to her to give him the resources to help him along, but when you have done this repeatedly and he still doesn’t seem to want to make an effort to make things work, this is when you will have to do your part for your own sanity and redirect your focus from him to you. Whether it means start dating others, move out of the home you two share, find a hobby or interest, take a class, or spend more time with your family – whatever you choose to do he has to be shown that he is no longer the center of your world.

Sometimes women are caught in relationships hoping that if something really bad happens to them that somehow this man who never really acted like he cared, would suddenly care. That is the furthest thing from the truth. He may be attentive to you for a little while if he stands to lose or gain something, but sooner or later he will go back to his old ways again leaving you feeling alone.

I think of the time in my own life when I was in a financial bind and I think it was $20 I needed from my man to help me until payday. I had never asked him for anything during almost a year of dating; yet when he was in a bind that cost me over $800.00,I thought he wouldn’t hesitate to help me. Boy was I wrong! He had an instant attitude. Needless to say, I couldn’t help but think this man was not going to be beneficial to my life when I needed him the most, despite all of his claims that if I needed anything just ask.

I now look at every problem that comes up in a relationship as a test. It’s a great way to determine whether this person is a keeper. If he or she can be there for you when you are in a financial bind, diagnosed with an illness, your child is going through the motions or a relative passes away, then they are a keeper. I shouldn’t have to call a man all day or night, wait up for him, or talk myself into believing that he cares for me, he just forgot to call. Yet, there are those men that will demonstrate the upmost support until you are well and then they are expecting an immediate handout, they will bring up everything they did for you and expect you to do far more than they ever did. “Remember when I helped you,” he says. “Yes and I can’t help you right now but if you wait until…” you say. He doesn’t want to hear about waiting for you to do anything for him, like a pimp he wants his money, sex, or both now!

What good is a man if you can’t rely on him to help you when you need him the most? Why should you have to walk on egg shells hoping that he doesn’t ask you to pay him back with interest? I was told long ago that you never accept anything from a man unless you are willing to give something in return and usually what that something is falls somewhere between your stomach and your thighs!

There are women who are reading this thinking of the times when they thought the love of their lives would come through for them when they were in a bind, but failed them. Remember how your stomach dropped in shock, the ache settled in your chest, and you just cried! How could someone be so cold? You may have been like me at one time seated at work bent over with menstrual cramps hitting your stomach every few seconds and all you wanted was for him to come pick you up from work? You may have wished for him to be the one seated in the audience admiring you after one of your great performances. Wherever you were and whatever you had hoped from him, the bottom line he wasn’t there! He wasn’t there when your relative died, when money was short, when your child needed to be watched, when the rent was due, when you needed a car --- simply put he took more from you then you ever asked of him!

So how do you get a man to be there for you when you need him most? You start taking yourself seriously. You set boundaries. You allow him to wallow in his challenges without bailing him out. In time you turn your back on him and find someone who can demonstrate what it sincerely means to be your better half that is what you do!

By Nicholl McGuire

After Finding Out She's Cheating

2011-07-09T14:07:00.000-07:00

So she told him the other day that he wasn't affectionate enough. He listened to her, then promised he would consider her feelings more and periodically kiss and hug her for no reason, but to say, "I love you."

Days turned into weeks then weeks turned into months and business continued as usual. He gave her a list of complaints. Things like what she was and wasn't doing while never following up with anything that showed he appreciated her actions much less her existence. He debated about frivolous matters and often ignored her.

One day he found out that he wasn't the only man in her life and that there wasn't just one, but many men in her life. They all fulfilled a purpose, and for some strange reason, he wondered what role did he play. The truth of the matter was right before his eyes, his role had been long revoked--he no longer played any role. His woman had been mustering up the courage to tell him it was over weeks prior, but he found out before she was ready.

You and I have heard, personally experienced, or witness a similar scene play out with us, relatives and/or friends. When the signs are right in front of us that something is wrong, we do one of two things: either we try to help ourselves for the benefit of the relationship possibly holding on a little tighter to our mate or we look away usually thinking about someone else, our job and/or children. What we may not think about is that we can help the cheater continue to do wrong by us when we choose to look away. How will anyone become a better person if we allow them to hurt ourselves and others by doing and saying nothing? There comes a point when one has to open his or her mouth and speak truth and take responsibility for actions or in-actions in the relationship.

It is true that we can't make a person change, but what we can do, is be accountable for ourselves. Playing the game of "payback" is not going to render the results we want, nor is it going to make the hurt feelings go away inside of us. Rather, we must orchestrate a plan to move on--to get past the rejection and pain. We must allow ourselves time to heal--ALONE. Too many hurt people walk the streets spreading their infectious disease of hurt feelings (amongst other things) when they should be at home on bed-rest.

Some of us will run into the arms of someone else in the hopes that things will get better mentally and physically for us, but unfortunately nothing really changes (but a face, a name and an address.) Even worse, sometimes we only find ourselves jumping from hot water into a frying pan. It is best for us to just settle down and think about what we need to do to find sincere happiness--it may not be meant for some of us to ever have a partner and we must learn to accept that--not everyone was meant to be in a relationship (read books about people who are happy being single.)

Whatever we discover about ourselves after such a hurtful experience like being cheated on, we should remember not to repeat the same behavior on someone else.

Nicholl McGuire

10 Actions You Do that Make Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend Think You're Cheating

2011-07-05T06:51:00.000-07:00

So you haven’t been in a relationship that long and you are already being accused of cheating when you know you haven’t. Chances are you are conducting yourself in a way that is making your partner feel insecure. What could you be doing to make him or her feel that way? Here are some tips.

1) Being extremely private. One can understand in the days of identity theft that you want to be extra careful password protecting your accounts, watching where you leave your cell phone, and locking up your private files, but when a situation comes up where you may need your partner’s assistance or need to share information between one another and you act overprotective with him or her about it, you are giving them a reason to suspect you are up to something whether you are or not. Some couples will share a password only temporarily and then as soon as their partner’s back is turned they change their password. This sends a message that “I don’t trust you. I have something to hide” even though you may not.

2) Decreasing affection. Everyone has their share of moods from one day to the next, but if yours is consistently declining without notice to your partner then he or she has no choice but to think that your feelings have changed. Once he or she feels like you aren’t interested in him or her anymore and you are not doing anything to make them feel validated in the relationship then the snooping may start to begin.

3) Lying. The day you are caught lying about something small or big such as being registered with a social networking site, calling an ex, hanging out with friends when you are supposed to be at work, or other things that can raise your partner’s eyebrows, you might as well have put your name on the list of the most wanted. Everything you say and do will be second-guessed, your privacy is a thing of the past, and be prepared to be punished for years.

4) Traveling alone often. Let’s say you use to invite your partner for car rides and ask them to accompany you to events, now you are suddenly going places without notice and not bothering to invite him or her, you are putting yourself in a bad light. You see, serial cheaters look for any excuse to get away from their partner so that they can be with someone else. So if you were watching television and then suddenly, after looking at your cell phone you leave, with cell phone in tote whether out in the open or hiding it, you look suspicious. Maybe you felt the need to leave because you saw a great fast food commercial for something you would like to try or you thought about something you need from the grocery store, it all seems innocent to you, but your partner who has been lied to in the past, deprived from affection, and notices how private you are is thinking, “What is he up to now? Where is she going?”

5) Avoiding intimate communication. You may have been a talkative couple in the early days and that too has declined over the years or suddenly. If this is the case, you may be getting a little bit bored with the conversation or feel comfortable enough in the relationship that he or she should know enough about you that you shouldn’t have to communicate so often as before. This all seems innocent enough, but not to your partner who wants to be reassured that everything is okay with the two of you. Solve this issue by talking about all sorts of things and reminding your partner that he or she is loved and appreciated!

6) Being irritated or emotional when asked questions. You may not like having to answer to someone, but in relationships there will be times when you will have to answer simple and complex questions and it is up to you to be as honest as you can and help your partner quiet the inner voice within that says, “He’s cheating on you. She is with seeing another man.”

7) Working late frequently. You may be a workaholic or love your job more than you do your personal life, or simply enjoy making additional money, whatever your reason talk to your partner about it. When you reach out to him or her and explain to them what your motivation for working late is and why it is important to you, they can respect you for it. Be sure to call from your workplace and accept an impromptu visit from you r partner. Working late has received a bad rap over the years and unfortunately you will have to do the best you can to make sure you aren’t guilty of using this as an excuse to cheat or stay away from your partner.

8) Spending more time with friends. All of your close friends may be the same gender or some of them may be the opposite sex. Unfortunately, friendships outside of the relationship have been viewed negatively over the years because of the bad influences that friends bring to the relationship. From friends having sex with one another to strip clubs, these issues among others should be discussed with your significant.

9) Putting off introducing them to your family or showing no desire to meet his or her family. No matter how a person feels about their family, when good things happen to him or her they want to let the world know about them. So when you don’t act interested in meeting his or her family and you don’t bother to take the time to let him or her get to know yours, he or she may feel like you have something to hide like a spouse he or she doesn’t know about.

10) Keeping secrets. There may be some things that you have been keeping from your partner that are serious issues to you, but not so serious to him or her, if only they knew. Your partner may have tried to get you to open up, but you haven’t budged. Your partner could be thinking that you are being open with someone else since you can’t seem to converse with him or her about your life, emotions, and other things about yourself.

There are good men and women in this world that honestly love their partners, but have a hard time expressing their emotions and aren’t very educated about the opposite sex. It is up to you to learn more about your partner and find out what you can do to put them at ease and make him or her feel like they can trust you. If you feel like you don’t want to change your habits or acknowledge his or her feelings and rather place blame, then you aren’t sincerely interested in a relationship. Experts have preached for years that it takes two to work on a relationship, not one. Do what you can to help your partner show you the love and appreciation you feel you deserve by doing your part to make them feel happy and secure in the relationship.

By Nicholl McGuire

How to Free Yourself from a Dead End Relationship

2011-07-04T10:22:00.000-07:00

When you first met your partner you didn’t see him or her as being flawed. Rather, you have seen a human that fulfilled your needs at the moment. For some of you reading this, you had a need for a companion, financial issues to contend with, a bad relationship previously and other circumstances that gave you the motivation to want to start over again in a new relationship. Notice there is no mention of love. Because love usually is not the driving force in relationships that start off in this way. You most likely came to the realization already that love was never what you felt, but an excitement, lust, and just an overall feeling of temporal peace because you now have someone who will lay beside you at night and go to events with you periodically. This may have worked in the past, but now you know it is no good for you.

You tried repeatedly to make things work and he or she gave you the cold shoulder, cursed you, or even worse cheated on you. You forgave them for their misdeeds, but still you have no peace in the relationship. You realize you need to move on, but how do you when this person is still a big part of your mind, body and spirit? Here are some things you will want to try to get out of a dead end relationship.

First, you must get the passion back for the things you either use to do, currently do, or hope to do. This means that if you always wanted to go to college, switch careers, relocate, or do some other major thing in your life, now is the time. Once you have allowed yourself to begin to pursue your goals, you will find yourself overwhelmed with what you need to get done that you will find yourself forgetting about your partner.

Second, as you partake in your new activities, thoughts about your partner will come and distract you from your plans. There is nothing wrong with that and don’t beat yourself up about it. But if you can see the good and bad in all that you think about concerning him or her, your fight to move on will become less difficult. The reason why many people struggle with trying to get over their exs is because they are too busy trying to get over their exs. Why fight the thoughts? Allow them to come and then allow them to go. Now if you act on those thoughts like rekindle the relationship knowing that you don’t want it or expressing how you feel to your partner when you know that those feelings came as a result of past memories then you have a problem on your hand. You will be putting yourself fin a position to stay in the dead end relationship all over again.

Now, that you have focused on your new activities and have thoughts about the partner but haven’t acted on them, it is time to garner up some support. There are those around you that will always be optimistic about the relationship no matter what. They are actually your worse advisers and listening to them will keep you confused. When you know that your relationship is not working anymore, you don’t need anyone providing you with a false hope. This is the best time to start leaning on those friends that tell you, “Go date…hang out with us…have some fun!” You see in the past they may have not been good for the relationship, because they were doing things that could actually cause problems for you and your partner. However, things have changed and you are not in a relationship anymore.

Lastly, you will want to make any and all changes in your life that do not include your former partner. That means that if you have a bank account together, a membership at the same organization, a house in both your names, whatever your issue, it is now time to cut it off! If you skip this step and reason that you will get a divorce later, handle business matters another time, or put off taking their name off of certain business documents, you will run into some serious trouble down the line! You may meet someone who you may fall in love with and the last thing they will want to hear from you is, “I can’t marry you because…I can’t buy this because…my ex did this…my ex did that…” Allowing your unresolved issues of the past to creep into your future will make things worse, so leave your dead end relationship right where it needs to be in the past so that you can move on into your future--guilt free, debt free, and pain free.

By Nicholl McGuire

6 Reasons Why She Will Leave You So You Best Be Prepared

2011-07-03T06:45:00.000-07:00

Your woman has come to you over and over again with all sorts of issues from how to put things back to whether or not you love her and over, over, and over again you have given her explanations and tried to listen to her. You know she loves you, but maybe you don’t know whether you love her. There are reasons why women leave their men or cheat on them.

One. She doesn’t think you are her friend.

You say that you consider her not only as a lover but a friend too, but do you really? When serious issues in life have come up, have you included her or did you run to your family, friends or an ex for support? Friends care about one another. They include them in on the significant things that happen to them in their lives.

When she upsets you, do you talk to her one-on-one or do you talk to everyone else but her? She has dealt with her share of backstabbing friends in the past, so the last thing she expected was her man going behind her back and bad mouthing her too.

She is a beautiful, intelligent, talented woman and everything she touches turns to gold. However, you secretly are jealous of her. You may think you should be doing more in your life, so rather than celebrate her achievements while working on yours, you are jealousy. You make her feel bad when something good happens to her, because you can’t seem to control your mouth. How many times do you think she is going to sit by and continue to let you down her, which brings us to the next point?

Two. She feels like you don’t care about her or what she does.

Most likely, she has expressed her feelings to you and those around her who love her. What are you doing that says, “You don’t care about her?” When she was ill, did you bring her a cup of soup and a kiss? Did you ask her if there was anything you could do, when her relative died? Did you offer to drive her some place when she couldn’t drive? Did you sit and talk with her when she was angry about something? When she stayed out all day and night, did you even act a little bit interested in what she was doing? When the children were crying and she felt her back was up against the wall, did you step up to the plate? If you can’t remember when you did something that impacted her so much that she could remember it on her deathbed then don’t wonder why she feels like you don’t care.

Three. When you hurt her feelings, you don’t bother to acknowledge her feelings and apologize.

Everyone gets angry from time to time, some more than others, but how we deal with the situation afterward is just as impactful as what was said during the argument. You may have yelled at her, name-called, put her down, pushed her or even broke a few items around the house, but did you sincerely apologize for your actions? Some people will apologize by only picking a few things they feel comfortable about saying their sorry for and then hoping it will be forgotten about the next day. Apologizing doesn’t just come from the mouth or a gift; it comes from a commitment of never doing it again and living up to it! Apologizing also comes from: the anger management courses you promised you would take, the therapist you would visit, the prescription medicine you said you know you need to take, the sacrifices you make for the betterment of the relationship and your family, and most of all it comes from the heart!

Four. You act as if you aren’t committed to her.

Driving around in an automobile without your partner and children, making people think you are single. Dining often alone to the point that none of the restaurant staff think you are married or in a relationship. Accepting lunch invitations from women without your wedding band displayed. These are just some of the examples that men do that make their partners feel like they are in a relationship all alone.

Company invitations, family events, and other opportunities come and go and you never bother to bring your mate along. Is there any wonder why she would feel the way she does?

Five. You both have very separate, distant lives.

She has her plans and you have yours. The only things you two share are a house and a bed. You see nothing wrong with it, because maybe you enjoy the space, but she has seen that this has been a problem for her for years, but didn’t want to nag you about it. Now she feels so distant from you that she doesn’t even know you and would rather be with someone else which brings us to the next point.

Six. You don’t allow her to get to know you like you once did. You are a stranger in her eyes.

You may have communicated to her in the past about your likes, dislikes, associations, interests, childhood memories, and daily activities, but now things are different not because you purposely wanted it to be that way, but just because you both have changed. She may have attempted to get to know you by clearing her schedule to go out on dates, send you phone messages, thinking of you cards and gifts, and do other nice things that say, “Let me into your world.” But you barely noticed or didn’t seem to care. Now you are so distant from her mind and heart that she can’t see a life with you anymore.

By Nicholl McGuire

He Lives His Life as if We Weren’t Married; He Rarely Considers Me

2011-07-01T06:40:00.000-07:00

Driving in his beautiful sports car, he is turning heads! He feels and looks good these days and you are happy for him. But this has been the latest stunt he has pulled in a series of selfish moves. Family and friends tell you that they have seen him at this person’s house, this club, this event and so on and you don’t even know about half of these places and the ones you do know about you know that they are up to no good! You want him to start living his life as if he is married to you and you want him to consider you, so what do you do?

First, you need to identify where you have gone wrong in this relationship to win his respect. He unfortunately has learned that whatever he does is okay with you. You may have allowed him to get away with what he does because you didn’t want to appear as if you are a nag. You can still appear that way, by stating your point and if it doesn’t get through to him going to your plan B. Now you may say, what is a plan B. A plan B is the plan you use when the first one doesn’t work. What’s yours? How do you get an adult male to listen to your wishes? You back it up with action. Some people use suttle actions like giving him the silent treatment (that rarely works) others take bolder steps like taking a sudden vacation, moving out, or getting a male in the family to come over and have a man-to-man conversation with him. All of these do work temporarily, but he shouldn’t have to be forced to do anything. The truth of the matter is a man who sincerely loves a woman will just examine his actions and work to make some changes. Tricks and power persuausion tactics shouldn’t be necessary.

Next, once you see that he is listening to you, praise him. Tell him that you appreciate him considering your feelings. Reward him like you do anyone who does something nice for you. However, if he isn’t making any changes and you have given him plenty of time to get his priorities straight (only you and he know how much time you need) and he still refuses to consider that you are his wife, then you will need to ask him the hard questions, does he really want to be married? He will most likely say, yes. But he isn’t acting like it, so if he can’t start acting like a husband he is leaving you no choice but to make an appointment with an attorney. If after you say this and wait for about a week or two and still no changes, then you will need to start making arrangements to move out and file the necessary paper work for a divorce. Some people will wait years and years hoping that someone will change, but if you know you aren’t patient enough to wait years then do what you must.

Third, he may have gave you some signs he wasn’t ready for marriage, but you ignored them. You may have been the one standing on your soap box debating on him why you think it is best for the both of you to get married. Your platform could have been because the Bible said we should, because we have children together, because your family likes me, because of all the wonderful things I have done for you.” These are very good arguments and persuasive, but they don’t keep people married, love does and he may have been trying to figure all of that out while you were picking out your wedding gown.

Fourth, once you have thought about the signs you have overlooked. Go to him with your concerns and ask him like you would a friend the same question you may have asked him on a different day, “Do you really want to be married?” He may be offended at this point that you would ask him again, but if he isn’t making any effort to change his bachelor ways, then you have no choice but to ask and tell him so.

Fifth, consult with a professional about areas in your relationship that you can’t seem to figure out. Yes there is much information on the Internet, but it can be confusing and it isn’t always the best advice. You need someone who will guide you to the advice you need tailored toyour situation. You can aseek this ort of individual counseling via the Internet, but if you can meet with a person face-to-face or discuss your issue over the phone do it.

Sixth, consider attending a marriage seminar. At these seminars you both will hear from speakers who will discuss the challenges of marriage and how you can solve your problems. You don’t have to worry about someone telling you to share your problems with an eager audience. You both can just sit back and listen to what the speakers are saying then go back home and apply those principals to your life.

Seventh, create a list of things you may not have wanted to discuss with him about how you feel he acts about being married. Drop the list off in a place you know he will get it and no one else will intercept it, like on his dresser, desk, in the bathroom, or on his favorite chair. He may begin to do the things you ask, because a note is less confrontational.

Eighth, of you do have a faith now is the time to use it. He knows exactly where you stand in the relationship and your prayer is that he will learn how to act in his role as your husband. You will also pray for guidance on how you are supposed to act as a wife to him. Study the Bible and other books on communication in relationships.

Ninth, observe those around you and read stories on the Internet about other women who have been in a similar situation as yourself. Some women will tell you that prior to having children he was still behaving like a single man, but after the children he became more of a family man. Others may talk of the difficult times that occurred in his life that enlightened him. Sometimes it takes the death of a parent, a murder of a friend, or someone lying on their deathbed to get through to people. However, some people will never change no matter what happens to them or those around them.

Tenth, after you have done all that you can do, back off. He doesn’t need more letters, conversations, and other things reminding him that he is not acting like a husband. Rather, focus on you and be sure that you are acting like a loving and kind wife.

There are many women like yourself who married men who are immature and don’t know much about being married except what they have learned from their parents or those around them which at times are poor examples. You may be the only source of information that will help him know his role as your husband, don’t take your service lightly.

By Nicholl McGuire

How to End a Relationship Without Being the One Ending It

2011-06-30T06:42:00.000-07:00

You want to get out of an emotionally or physically hazardous relationship without having the confrontational meeting, what do you do? Well what you don’t want to do is stick it out with someone who is obviously bad for you and you don’t want to be anywhere with this psycho that could possibly put you or your soon-to-be ex in jail. Here are tips that will send a loud and clear message to this person that your relationship with them is over!

Stop calling and visiting.

Who is going to accept being in a relationship with someone that doesn’t call them? Why would anyone stay committed to someone who isn’t available for a midnight rendezvous also known as a booty call? When you start forgetting to call, not returning messages, and avoiding their address, he or she will get suspicious and do one of two things: accuse you of cheating or wonder why while calling you a few chose names. Take it in stride, your purpose was to break up with this person and save yourself the emotional confrontation.

Be overprotective about your stuff ie.) cell phone, purse, gym bag, clothing etc.

You may have normally let her wear some clothing of yours. He may be use to getting something out of your purse without asking. Now you start defining what he is and she is not supposed to touch by telling him or her that you will get the item or asking them could you not wear my clothes anymore? This is an immediate turn off no matter how nice you say it! You may not want to behave in this way while driving especially with a cell phone (for example, the Chris Brown and Rihanna situation), but you do want to convey the message that you are so busy with your social life that you just don’t have the time anymore to be in a relationship. Now if you make a big deal about the cell phone like trying to turn it in such a wy so he or she can’t see what you are looking at, your soon-to-be ex might grab it from your hands and either throw it or hit you with it. Remember your acting overprotective about your stuff in a way that makes them think. You see at one time you didn’t mind them answering your cell phone, using your items and doing other things, now you have a problem with it. Another way to send this message, is to politely ask for the items they have borrowed back and not allow them to borrow anything else. Don’t be impolite about your request or you might not get anything back.

When you see them in person or talk to them over the phone don’t have much to say and don’t be affectionate.

People can pick up on a person who isn’t interested in them by their body language and what they say or not say. If you typically hug or kiss your partner when you greet them stop. If you are normally talkative, tone it way down. If you usually ask about this person’s family, friends, or what he or she is up to, don’t. If you act like this with him or her enough times your former partner will want to know what is wrong with you and then you can use that as an opportunity to tell them vaguely about how you feel about the relationship. He or she will then say, “So what you are telling me you want to break up?” You can either agree or disagree. If you disagree you will drag the relationship out, but if you agree he or she may blame you for the break up, go ahead and take the blame. Don’t use any reverse psychology tactics at this point; otherwise you will be going around and around in circles with him or her.

Use a third party.

Yes, you will look like a coward, but if you are content with having a couple of family members or friends do your dirty work, let them. They can put a bug in his or her ear that you confided in them about no longer wanting to be in a relationship because you are juggling too many things in your life. Of course, he or she will want to talk with you about it. Converse with them over the phone and downplay it by saying, “You were just thinking about it at the time, but after this phone discussion, you made up your mind.” So that he or she will want to feel like they are breaking up with you, they most likely will become angry and end it while calling you a few choice names for confiding in someone other than them about your relationship hang-ups. This is what you wanted so don’t feel guilty, move on.

Write a letter that lists all your problems you have with this person.

No one likes a report that breaks down everything that is wrong with him or her. In the letter you never mention ending the relationship directly; instead you want him or her to comment about it. They most likely will and when they do let them list everything that is wrong about you. You will then say, “Well do you want to break up?” He or she may beat around the bush if so help this person out by ending the phone call or walking away from him or her (of course not turning your back on this person.) This is sending your former partner a direct message that you aren’t interested in speaking to him or her anymore about it. They will want to discuss these issues further, tell them you were under the impression that you broke up and then walk away from them again (don’t turn your back on him or her) or if you prefer not to meet with them in-person hang up the phone.

In closing, it is understandable that due to certain personality types, you don’t feel comfortable just telling a person you want to break up with him or her. However, if you know you are dealing with someone who is mentally unstable, always have conversations around other people, this way you can get help if you need to. Don’t expect them to behave maturely. If you are at a restaurant, wait to leave the location before you start bringing up relationship issues – no one should have to get indigestion watching someone throw a drink on you or yelling and cursing at you. Once you breakup with someone, realize it is not your responsibility what they do after you have broken up with this person. If he or she kills his or herself, does something crazy to someone or something, attempts to fight you, or causes other problems, know your rights and consult with an attorney and file a police report. Relationships don’t work for a variety of reasons and the longer one stays in a relationship that isn’t good for them, the worse things can end up for all parties involved.

By Nicholl McGuire

What to Expect if You Date a Cheater

2011-06-27T18:00:00.000-07:00

There is a man or woman in your life that has captured your eye. You would love to pursue a relationship with this person; however, you heard that he or she had cheated on his or her last partner and has a reputation for "getting around." You reason that if this person of interest did cheat, then there must be a good reason; and if he or she is notorious for sleeping around, well maybe there is some truth, but the person may have changed.

What you hear from others about this handsome man or beautiful woman may not derail your thoughts of wanting to get to know him or her. You might even fantasize about this person one day settling down with you. But the reality is, the cheater most likely has been juggling women, men or both for decades and may not change. So what should you expect if you choose to date the cheater?

Know that this person will not be available whenever you want.

It's a lot of work to keep everyone happy and the cheater will often fail at it. He or she may forget an important engagement, run short of cash, or misplace something of importance simply because his or her mind is often preoccupied trying to juggle his or her dates' requests. Sometimes this person will not be available to answer your calls. Voice mails may go unanswered for days, maybe even weeks, depending on how much the cheater wants you involved in his or her life.

Someone might get pregnant.

Unless the cheater has taken care to prevent a certain part of the anatomy from impregnating or in the case of a woman become pregnant, he or she just might slip up one day. Most players don't want children, but there are some that are open to the possibility just so long as they don't have to stick around for long to care for his or her child. If you intend on dating this person, you will have to prepare yourself mentally for the possibility that you or the other lover might be a parent someday.

Your date or you might contract a disease.

No one plans on getting a sexually transmitted disease (STD,) but it happens especially when one or both parties refuse to use protection. You may be committed to the cheater, but that doesn't matter when he or she has multiple partners. Anyone of those he or she may be sleeping with may contract a disease from others. Therefore, you might find yourself visiting the doctor more than usual just to be sure you are STD free.

Jealous rages.

Sleep with a person long enough, and emotions will fly sometimes over the littlest of infractions. Although you may not anticipate getting angry about your date being with others, the more you get to know your cheating friend, the more likely you will experience intimate feelings. You may one day realize you are in love and if this is the case, you just might become very jealous particularly if your cheating partner is talking about a wife, girlfriend or other lovers in great detail.

This person may lie to you about cheating.

Let's say that you want to settle down and ironically the cheater decides that he or she is ready for a committed relationship. Can you honestly say that you will be able to trust this person? The relationship might be doomed from the beginning just from accusations and questions like, "I know you were out with him -- how come you didn't answer your phone? Where were you? Who were you with? Did I hear a woman's voice in the background when we were talking on the phone the other day?" In time the cheater will cheat on you, because the relationship is not what he or she might have imagined. Then he or she may lie to you about cheating, because he or she simply refuses to be truthful. It's his or her way to keep from arguing or letting you go before he or she is ready to end the relationship.

Expect uninvited guests at the cheater's residence while you are there.

If you can drop over your date's home unannounced, so can all the others. Don't be surprised if he or she goes so far as to invite you to stay or introduces you to his or her other partner. Some cheaters might even suggest a ménage a trios!

Cheaters are busy people and usually don't have time to focus on one person much less his or her needs. Their selfish behavior may result in frequent arguments and possible physical fights. They will also lie to you in order to keep you happy until they are ready to replace you with someone better. Also, do keep in mind that an unwanted pregnancy or an STD may result in this kind of relationship. Lastly, choosing to date a player may be difficult, time-consuming, and nerve racking.

In summary, when dating the cheating, player type, consider the following: this person is usually not in love with anyone, but self, your feelings usually aren't considered and never a priority (unless you have something he or she wants,) and you might fall in love with this person the more you sleep with him or her. If you should fall in love (or lust) know that your feelings (sooner or later) will be crushed by the cheater. Sometimes blatant disrespect may lead to physical violence, so if you know this person (or yourself) has the tendency to overreact and hurt people, avoid the cheater.

By Nicholl McGuire

How to Obtain Personal Time While Dating Someone Who is Moving Fast

2011-06-27T10:57:00.000-07:00

You don’t want to break up with your partner and you don’t necessarily want to be away from him or her like in a separation, you just want some time alone. Free time could be weekends to yourself or certain weeknights. Your partner may not know this and you are having trouble communicating it.

You have noticed how you tend to get irritated more often by what he or she says. Your partner on the other hand wants to visit and call you often not realizing that he or she is also becoming a bit weary of you too. Yet, your lover thinks the only way to fix things is to do more together. So what do you do when you need some breathing room, but you don’t want your partner to think you are considering on breaking up with him or her?
First, tell your partner how you feel about he or she if you haven’t in awhile. Stay positive. Remind this person about how supportive he or she has been about your career and hobbies you enjoy and would like additional support by allowing you the free time to get some things accomplished. Give your partner a specific time when you plan on getting more serious about getting some things done. For instance say, “I want you to know that I love you and appreciate the things you have been doing for me which has made me realize I need to start working harder on XYZ task, so I will need to come home from work each night starting next week and focus on those tasks. Basically, you are communicating with your partner your needs while expecting he or she to be respectful about them. This will be a test whether this person is really as understanding as he or she portrays his or herself to be. You are requesting free time like you would ask your boss for vacation time in a polite manner. Of course, you would assure your partner that you will make some time during the weekend or some other time for he or she and by all means keep your word! Otherwise, you will be faced with additional problems.

Watch during your free time if your lover is emotionally stable. You see some people have a great need to be with someone 24 hours a day 7 days a week. They also have controlling temperaments. You will not always be able to tell if your partner is secretly crazy if you are fulfilling his or her every need. What do you think might happen if you step away a little bit? Now is the time to find out.

Second, take notice of the things your partner says or does that bother you. Having a conversation about your relationship woes after wanting some free time to fulfill your interests is the wrong thing to do. Instead, after you both have settled in your routines again of seeing one another would be a good time to casually mention certain things about the relationship, but whatever you do don’t tell your partner that is why you needed to get away from him or her. Most likely, you will be sending this person the message you would like to break up with him or her when you really don't.

Third, do what you want to do. Value the time you have alone. Don’t worry over what he or she is doing. If you have no history of doing disrespectful things to your partner and vice versa, then you shouldn't be concerned about being accused of cheating. However, if you do, you may want to just call your partner in case he or she is thinking something negative; reassure him or her that you are behaving yourself.

Next, assure your partner that you treasure him or her and the relationship. Buy something nice, write a note or buy a card sharing your feelings. Talk with your mate about some of your ideas and accomplishments so that he or she knows that you are serious about your “me time.” It will also make her or him feel more secure in the relationship. Whenever the topic does come up about your seeing someone else, assure this person that you are focused on your tasks and the things that interest you and not to be concerned about you seeing someone else.

However, what if you enjoy this new found time to yourself so much in fact that you realize a serious relationship is not what you want? Then tell your partner. Don’t do like so many people who try not to hurt one another’s feelings by lying or covering the truth. No matter what you say or do, your partner will be hurt. But it is best that you tell him or her the truth then string this person along thinking you really want to be with her or him.

When you do decide to break up, do it at a public park or place where other people are close enough yet far enough away. Always start with something positive to say about him or her, before you get into how you feel about the relationship. Make arrangements to give your partner any personal items (if you haven’t bought them already), then say goodbye if this is what you seriously want and don't go back. You may have heard from someone you know, "It's never the same once you break up then go back." So true.

Lastly, if after you have spent enough time away from your lover, or worked out the free time in your schedule while maintaining a relationship with him or her, start thinking about the future. The conversation of marriage will come up, so you best be ready and start saving for a ring if this person is who you really want to be with. Think starting now, "Is this someone I would want to spend the rest of my life?"

Nicholl McGuire

How to Communicate Concerns to Your Partner

2011-06-26T22:19:00.000-07:00

He didn’t want to tell her the truth for fear she might not want to be in his life anymore. She didn’t want to tell him the truth for fear he might tell someone in his family about her secret. People seem to reason that not telling something that has happened to them or that they witnessed is the only right way and it’s just better that no one finds out. The problem is people do find out! Whether it is through a casual conversation or a little detective work, someone seems to either find out or come real close to finding out. Why should we be open with those closest to us with our secrets? Why not keep them in the dark? We don’t want to be ridiculed, abused, or beat over the head with what we finally confess? Of course not, that is why we don’t tell, cover up, or blatantly lie. However, when we do too much of this it begins to affect what could have been a happy relationship, what could have been a long term career opportunity, and what could have been a blessing in disguise.

We need to consider the weight of what we know. How many people will it impact if we spill the beans? Will we benefit in some way such as having peace of mind now that we have confessed? Is it worth telling and hearing the person’s reaction to what we have just told them? It all depends on the following: how you explain your secret such as what details you provide, the time and location you decide to tell the secret, and whether you have the courage to handle the situation if it gets out of hand. When people who reveal secrets tend to get in trouble it’s usually because they have left out important facts, decided not to volunteer information, and fudged the truth to avoid putting themselves in more hot water. Sometimes people who reveal secrets also have a habit of talking too much and providing far too many details than the hearer can handle. So how does one balance the details out? He or she must first take time to interview the person before he or she reveals the truth. The person who wants to come clean must think about how their loved one or friend has reacted in the past when others may have told him or her some bad news.

To help you expose your hidden secret or just share some simple facts about your day, here’s what you need to do. Answer the following: who, what, when, where, why, and how? (The five Ws and the H.) If you provide the information on the subject matter before you are asked, you may come out smelling like roses because of four things: you took the time to tell the truth, you shared a part of you, you put your partner at ease, and you apologized for wrongdoing. Will the person be emotional it all depends, but you can’t control how they feel about what you have told them. All you can do is put the information out there and let them deal with it in their own way even if it means that they may not want you to be in their presence. However, if someone has to sit back and wait for you to say something, interrogate you, set traps, and orchestrate other plans to get you to talk, then most likely they will become angry and if this occurs with a person in authority such as a boss you might be written up or lose your job because he or she had to work too hard to get to the truth which would make any one mentally exhausted!

We have been learning right from wrong since we were children. For men, who may want to reveal a secret to their partner involving another woman, you know that your girlfriend or wife didn’t just become insecure overnight it was a process that you helped create. Think of all the times you came home knowing that you saw an ex, had a conversation with her over the phone, through text or email, even had lunch or dinner with a female without your partner knowing and never said one word unless she asked you and even then some of you lied. You may have acted innocently, but because you said nothing you are guilty in your partner’s eyes. You may reason, “Well I didn’t want to say anything because she would have been talking about it all night and then she would have brought up the past and I didn’t want to hear it.” Consider this, which do you want one night of tension or days, weeks, or even months of a woman walking around suspecting you of cheating? As I have told many of my male readers in the past, “The best way to make a woman feel secure is to tell her everything before she asks you anything.”

So should everything be said? No. You shouldn’t be sharing anything but the facts. You will most often get in trouble if you start sharing personal opinions and feelings. For instance, if you say, “I need to talk to you about an incident that happened at work with a woman.” Don’t add details like “she had long brown hair, a nice waistline, and eyes like yours.” Information like that will only heighten a women’s instinct to want to fight not listen. Share what happened and how you dealt with it. The most important thing she needs to know in any story you give her is “What did you do?” A man who sincerely loves and respects his woman will not encourage another woman to “Call me anytime. If you need anything you know I will help you.” When you say things like that, you are letting a woman know she can count on you and in time she will be back to test you! And when that happens, what will you do behave quietly, lie, or avoid talking to your partner? Do what you can to keep yourself out of trouble with your partner, so that you won’t have any more secrets to reveal.

Women when you are talking to your man about something that happened in the past, avoid the temptation to compare him to an ex. He doesn’t want to hear how he reminds you of Bill, and he looks a little like Peter. What he wants to know is the bottom line, “What did you do?” Based on what you say will determine whether he considers the event that important. However, keep in mind you can make what he considers “not that important” as extremely important if you start telling him details about how the guy made you feel and what you think about his family and the plans you both had for the future. A man doesn’t want to hear all of that!

There are things that you may want to reveal to your partner, relative, friend, or boss that have nothing to do with relationship topics, but have everything to do with money, business, children, and other similar issues. When you choose to share what happened, be sure you are not jumping around and being confusing when giving information. If you need to write out what you are going to say before you say it, do it. The last thing you want to do is share your personal story in a way that makes the listener come away feeling that you are a crazy, delusional, and a confused individual.

When the time comes to share a story that you know your partner will find interesting and may affect your relationship, be sure that you are answering the five Ws and the H as mentioned earlier. Remember to leave the visual imagery out of the story, your opinion, and your feelings. Your partner may bring the story back up again, if so, be a good listener and try not to encourage the conversation if you don’t feel like talking about it.

What Do Women Like About Men? Here's 10

2011-06-25T13:00:00.000-07:00

Are you a man curious about what women like about men? Do you genuinely want to change certain things about you to draw the right woman to you? Well you are on the right track! An honest man who cares about what the opposite sex thinks is indeed a good man!

One. The Voice

You may recall the old adage, “It’s not what you say but how you say it.” Some men have strong, sexy deep voices that will make any woman give him the time of day even if his appearance isn’t that great. However, there are those men whose voices aren’t sexy at all, but they just have a way of saying things that draw women to them. Both men know how to use their voices to get what they want and most women will be accommodating to their needs when asked politely.

Two. His Smell

A nice fragrance, coming from a man, may come from a cologne bottle or be nothing more than a freshly washed body. Most women enjoy a fresh smelling man outside of the bedroom, but they also enjoy his natural scent when they are interested in intimacy.

Three. Honest Feelings

A man who doesn’t beat around the bush may not win friends, but a man who can be truthful in a subtle way is most appreciated. Women want to know the truth about the things that affect their mental, physical and spiritual well-being, children, environment, and finances. If they can’t get the truth from you about important matters such as this then they will get it from someone or something else.

Four. Thoughtfulness

Whether you think about her when she is ill by rushing over some chicken soup or you ask her if she wants to do her favorite sexual position, women are drawn to men who know how to think beyond the scope of the present situation. For instance, she mentions something like, it’s her mother’s birthday. Ask her something like, “So would you like to go shopping for your mom a gift?” Another example, she says while on a date, “It’s getting chilly out here, I forgot to bring my coat.” You say, “Would you like to wear mine?” Small acts of kindness will help you win her over every time.

Five. Money

You may have an impressive financial portfolio; therefore, you should expect any woman with two eyes and a brain will want to draw nearer to you. The woman is thinking about the future every time she dates a man. She has been conditioned by society and/or family that a man should be able to care for his woman and offspring no matter how much money she is or is not bringing home. However, if a man can’t keep his finances together, she will gradually lose respect for him.

Six. Status

What’s a nice financial portfolio when no one respects you? Who wants to be with someone who cowers every time other men talk to him? Depending on the kind of woman she is (such as educated and career-oriented,) will determine what kind of man she will want offering his arm to her in public. A smart woman desires a man that will compliment her reputation not tear her down. If she suspects that is the case, she will use her skills to divide and conquer an insecure, weak man. We see evidence of this by the sheer number of women who live alone and say, “I can do bad all by myself! I don’t need no help!” as well as the many songs that glorify independent women.

Seven. Cooperative

Argumentative, angry men are problems wherever they go! Some women take chances being in a relationship with the bad boy types and before long find themselves in bad shape. A good woman wants a good man--someone who has the ability to get along with most people.

Eight. Clean

A clean woman doesn’t want to date, sleep with or live with a slob. Most women enjoy being in the presence of men who take care of self, children, pet, car and/or atmosphere.

Nine. Nice Appearance

There are those women who settle for the man who has let his body go, but let us not forget, that doesn’t apply to every woman. A woman who likes the way she looks will do things to keep her appearance up such as take vitamins, watch her portion sizes, get hair and nails done, and/or exercises. She is attracted to men who also maintain their appearances as well.

Ten. Security

Some men are simply not Hercules and that’s okay. However, if he can show the world during times of trial that he isn’t someone to mess with then she will admire her man even more. If he can stand up to tempting situations, then she is thinking, “This one is a winner!”

You will discover that there are more things that women like about men. The list will get more and more specific depending on who you ask, but these points covered in this article are some of the most essential things that women like about men. Not only that, the points provided attempt to help you sort out the good women from the bad and the weak from the strong. If a woman is all too willing to compromise on any of these 10, you must ask yourself, “What else is she willing to compromise?”

By Nicholl McGuire

He Doesn’t Show Any Interest in Me

2011-06-23T06:39:00.000-07:00

You are a talented, beautiful woman who has been told by many people that you are going places and doing great things. But your husband doesn’t see your attributes anymore. Out of all the compliments and praises from well-meaning people, your husband’s words would mean the most is if he could say something without you having to pull teeth! So how do you get him to act interested in you and what you do?

Change your appearance.

You may have wondered why women who have suddenly broke free from problematic relationships, do something drastic with their appearance. They do that because it is a sign to the world that they are free to be who they want to be. Maybe their ex loved their long hair, she rebels and cuts it. She may have changed her appearance in the relationship just to suit him. Now she wants to find who she is again without him. You can do the same without breaking up with your mate. Send him a message that up underneath the hair scarf, baggy t-shirt, and jogging pants is a curly perm wearing, thong modeling, sexy superstar! Even if this only gets his attention for that moment, it’s a start.

Go places without him, the children or your relatives.

If you routinely go places with him and the children in tote, change your routine. Maybe take one child one day rather than both, then on another day only you leave the house and so on. Sometimes predictiability becomes boring with a man, surprise him! It also keeps him on his toes wondering what you are doing. When you come back have a gift in hand for him, share with him your experience then invite him on the next trip.

Do something different.

People not only have hobbies or create projects for themselves simply because they love them. They create these things to do because they also want to appear interesting to the world. People enjoy being around interesting people. We are fascinated by celebrities because they represent a part of ourselves that we are either too afraid, too politically correct, too religious, too this or too that to tap into. When you decide to come out of your comfort zone and do something positive for yourself and others, your partner will be curious about you and may even want to be a part of this new world that you have created for yourself.

Find the time to get the things on your “to do” list done.

Sometimes thgere are projects that need to be done in the household individually or as a group. The quickest way to get everyone’s attention off of one another in your household and distract them from their activities outside the home is to start projects that everyone’s input is needed. Whether it is planning a trip or cleaning out the garage, it’s time to call a family meeting and include your partner in on what is needed for the home.

Plan an event and invite your family and his.

You didn’t get married alone or tell everyone he was your partner without him agreeing to it, so why not get everyone to come over for a family gathering to reconnect. They all got together to celebrate your marriage, why not invite them to your anniversary? When was the last time you celebrated your birthday or his? Sometimes when you preoccupy yourself with other people besides your spouse, it will remind you of why we should count our blessings every day.

Work longer hours.

How one spends and saves money in a relationship tends to be a popular conversation. Maybe your biggest issue with your spouse is how you spend money, if so, you may have to work longer hours or get a second job if you aren’t willing to cut back. Your absence may be missed and he may start paying more attention to you when you are around.

Buy new things for the home.

Sometimes money isn’t a problem in a relationship, but the lack of things is. The household may be falling apart and a little organizing and decorating may cheer everyone up. Why not sit down and discuss with him how you intend to enhance the household and would like his input. Be sure that you have a plan on where you would like to shop and how much you would like to spend.

Meet new people and introduce them to your husband.

You may need new friendships in your life. Sometimes the old ones can be energy sapping, leaving you with no energy for your man. When you have new friendships, they may enlighten you and challenge you to think about ways to better yourself. When your mate sees you are making great strides to change mentally, physically, and spiritually it may cause him to rethink the way he has been treating you and he may start to feel jealous which is a good sign that he still wants to be a part of your life.

Start attending meetings in your community, joining organizations, and volunteering.

When you show a genuine care for others that you didn’t ordinarily have, your mate can’t help but wonder what has come over you! Allowing yourself to experience more with others makes you not only more exciting to be around, but will also be an asset to your partner if he should ever need to change careers.

Educate yourself.

If yo haven’t typically read books, now would be a good time to start! Your partner will want ot know what you are reading and may also be envious. They know that whatever you are reading at some point they will see the results manifest in your life. Whether you choose to sign up for a college or trade school, just know that you will get his attention. He may become nervous thinking that at some point you will get your degree and move on without him. He may discourage you if he doesn’t have his life together. He may commend you , because he knows that if you obtain more knowledge, the possibility of you bringing home more money is inevitable!

When you have those feelings that he doesn’t seem to be interested in you, remember to shift your thoughts from him to yourself. What can you do to make yourself more interesting to you and anyone you may come in contact with. Sometimes women make the mistake of allowing themselves to be like planet earth revolving around the sun and making the sun their partners. When the sun isn’t shining on your world, don’t be miserable, find sunshine in the walk you take without him and the book you read around him.

By Nicholl McGuire

Why Some Older Women Don't Bother with Younger Men

2011-06-19T22:08:00.000-07:00

He may not have had much luck with the women his own age. They noticed that he acts very immature, crazy, even weird and he just doesn’t have anything that makes women his own age want to be with him. He knows this truth about himself and so that is why some older men target younger women. They most likely have been told by some women their own age that they “need to grow up! Be a man! Stop acting like a boy!” Now you have this “boy” man interested in you. You almost wish you could be a fly on a wall to find out why so many women rejected this nice-looking loser who is now interested in you. Well with this article you are going to be that fly on the wall, because I am going to tell you why older women don’t bother with some of these older “boy” men who appear to be catches to younger women.

For purposes of this article we will first define what a “boy” man is. A boy man is a man who has yet to think and act in ways that a mature man would. For instance, a grown man’s priorities would be his wife, children, job pay bills, etc. A boy man his priorities would be playing computer/video games, going to the gym to work out, hanging out often with his friends, and having a few women he calls every now and then for sex. Children he may have had in a previous relationship are not high on his priority list, doing a good job at work is not a major concern, and the list goes on. When a grown man faces opposition he creates a plan and finds a solution to his dilemma, but when a boy man has a problem he cries out to anyone who will listen and hope the problem magically disappears. That is why many boy men have bad credit, when the letter shows up in the mail, rather than get on the phone and pay the bill, he throws it away. Boy men usually rely on the women in their lives to talk for them, run errands for them, pay bills, assist them whenever something comes up, and so much more. Older women who are mature don’t bother with boy men. But younger women, who don’t know any better, will take up time with them.

Wise older women know that they aren’t easy catches for men and boy men know they don’t have a chance. However, younger women desperate for a father figure, in need of money, or just desire to have a man will allow a boy man to come into her life and sweep her off her feet at least temporarily. However, in time a boy man will expect her to take her independent wages and fund a trip for the two of them; use her car to drive him around, and her knowledge and contacts to help him get ahead. These older boy men are very knowledgeable about women because they are usually raised by women. So they know most women’s weaknesses and will use them to get what they want.

Some younger women are very inexperienced about life and may not bother to think about these kinds of men especially if they had no men around them to teach them about these boy men. There is nothing wrong with these men if you don’t mind being the man in the relationship and taking the lead, but if you want to be the woman and he wants to be the woman too then you are going to have problems. Boy men are very much like women and that is why some women will resort to calling them that b-word. They want attention, love, admiration and other things in the way that women receive it. Some of them will tell you, “I want to be wined and dined too!” What older woman in her right mind would be bothered with this? Since older women tend to be set in their ways and aren’t interested in learning any new tricks, boy men will gravitate to younger women who have more energy to put up with their mental and physical games.

When wise older women see boy men approaching them, they don’ give in to their flattery and joke with them. They usually ignore them, act professional, or challenge them to see where their heads are at. They know that the response they will get from a boy man will usually be childish and real women seeking real men don’t have time for boys.

By Nicholl McGuire