Dating Advice (Almost) Daily

Leverage Your Inborn Attraction Skills

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 19:22:00 +0000

That's the advice Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan offers her clients. On her blog today, she tells you how to do it, too.

Click here to read all about it.

How to Visualize to Attract the Right Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 13:13:00 +0000

Dear Terry,

I have a question about using visualization to attract the right relationship, and I guess many women will face the same challenge I do.

I do use this tool often, and I try to feel the emotion as well that accompanies the picture. However I catch myself becoming actually more "obsessed" about finding the images in reality (that means the perfect partner) than I would be without doing the exercises.

For example if someone announces a barbecue or a party I immediately think(unconsciously actually) ..." maybe I will meet THE guy there", " maybe someone interesting will come, who has a brother or a sister who knows a man, that is just right for me.." being in this quest to find the materialized image, I sometimes have great troubles in deciding- if going to a certain event is right or not, if I could possibly miss something (or someone!). What I want to say is I think about this whole relationship issue much more than I would be doing without visualization.

Then there are people who say, "you attract everything you don't need" and "the more you want it the less you will have it."

Great, I say to myself. It's not possible to fulfill ALL your needs yourself. My friends just cannot give me the need for love and erotics I need and miss. So, how can you do your visualization, obviously wanting what you don't have yet, without wanting it too much and thus actually repelling what you want? hope I am not too cryptic. :-)

I must mention as well that I am definitely a woman who has her own interests, follows them with passion, and many men actually think that I know exactly what I want out of life (which is definitely not true all the time).

So, I believe I am a most of the time very happy person. But still I don't meet many men and especially since some time, men who seem to be compatible with me. Could you help and tell me what I could change?

-Visualizer

Dear Visualizer-

Great question.

First off, relax. Those maxims about wanting things and not getting them? Forget them. Let's keep things simple.

The cool thing about visualization is that it conditions your subconscious to believe that an incident has actually happened, whether you're visualizing hitting the winning point in a basketball championship or a joyful relationship.

When a champion basketball player shows up on court, he doesn't ask himself if wanting to make a winning shot will cost him the game. If he didn't want it, he would't be much use to his team, would he? Wanting is good.

Presumably, you want a happy relationship with a man who makes you laugh and perhaps whom you can grow old with. There are probably other things you want from this relationship, too, and that's good. Define what you want.

Then, when you visualize, start with the feeling you'd experience if you were in that relationship. What does it feel like to love and be loved? Feel that feeling.

When you go out, the key is to merely put yourself where the right person will find you. If you're visualizing (bringing to mind the emotions you'd feel if that relationship you rightly want truly exists -- and it's excitement and joy you're feeling, not stress and the fear of doing things wrong), you will become attractive to the relationships you visualize.

In other words, you leave the house, attend the barbecues, go to the dry cleaners, but you don't look for evidence of your visualizations. You just go out and have a good time. You don't expect anything.

Oh, yeah, and if for some reason you can't make the barbecue (or whatever), don't stress about it. You won't have missed 'the one.' Figure he wasn't going to be there anyway. Figure that he's out there, and he'll catch up with you somewhere else.

That's what we mean by being unattached to the outcome. You want something, you're bringing it to life in your imagination, and then you go happily about your day. Sure, you may meet 'the one' at the next barbecue, or you may meet a person who'll introduce him to you, but you don't count on it.

Because you might not meet him at the barbecue. You might meet him while you're walking your dog or doing your laundry or buying a cup of coffee. Who knows?

Seriously, relax. Visualize, and put yourself out there. Have fun.

You say you're a happy person with her own interests, who appears to know what she wants out of life (which you say is not always true, but here's a secret: A lot of people have no idea what they want out of life, so you're doing pretty well).

I hope I've been clear here.

Self-Help for the Wronged Woman

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 17:43:00 +0000

The New York Times' Maureen Dowd wrote a funny and instructive piece for women who find themselves married to adulterous male politicians (sure have been a lot of them lately; makes me wonder if female politicians are equally adulterous but smarter about not getting caught).

Some tips from Maureen:

"Skip the press conference, especially when your husband is copping to call girls, gay pickups in airport bathrooms or “tragic” and “forbidden” telenovela-style love stories. Stoicism at the skunk’s side is overrated and, as Larry Craig’s wife learned, sunglasses don’t help."

"High-powered women like Hillary, Elizabeth and Jenny who give up their careers to focus on their husbands’ ambitions feel doubly betrayed. But it’s not your husband’s fault if you sacrifice more for the relationship than he does. Like an investor in a down market, you took a risk without a guarantee it would pay off. If you make your husband your career and you lose your husband, you lose your career, too."

Check out the rest of the article here.

She Wants to Pay for Dates

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 13:36:00 +0000

Dear Terry,

I've a question about the initial "dating jitters." I meet guys locally, but I also date online.

I met a guy online, talked for 3-4 days over email and phone, and agreed to go out on a date. We live in different places, and we even had an informal talk about one of us moving to his/my city if things really got so far, based on the kind of jobs we might get. So far, so good.

He came over on a weekend, he had the flight ticket and hotel booked for him. I insisted on at least paying for the dinner locally and for tickets to concerts, tourist attractions here, and surprisingly even the waitress/waiter would say 'let the gentleman pay ma'am' (when I told him I'd pay, he still took his credit card out, and the waitress would take his all the time).

He said he's getting embarrassed before the waiters 'coz I wanted to share the expenses, and strongly insisted on me to not take out my credit card the next time.

Turned out, we both didn't feel we're right for each other after the date (we had different interests, he's type A, and I'm not and other such things and we had no chemistry intellectually or emotionally (we didn't get physical, though he made an gentle advance, I didnt give any encouragement). Anyway, we both called it off. After our date, I thanked him for taking me out, and offered to pay my share of the expenses, and he gently said it's okay. After few times, I couldn't drag it further.

Whatever it is, his income is irrelevant to me, and we're still two new people on a date. I still don't get it, he paid for a very major portion, flight and the hotel. Am I supposed to leave everything to the guy ?

(Even if it's a local guy- I'd genuinely offer to pay but the guys feel a little embarrassed that I insist sometimes, if he pays on 1st date, I insist to pay on 2nd ) which is sometimes refused and mostly not.

Contrary to this, few years ago, I went out on a date with a man who would always make me pay on dates, he got on to my nerves 'coz I wanted him to pay sometimes too, though not all the time ] - If I do that to a guy, won't he feel the same way I felt with the guy who let me spend all the time.

Interestingly, I read dating advice everywhere that, if a man doesn't pay on a date, or agrees to share expenses with you, he's not worth it blah blah. How true is that ?

This boils down to the question: Who's supposed to pay on dates in general? Is it okay ( 'coz I feel a little guilty - out of feeling, in case this doesn't work out, it's like the guy spent a lot of money on our dates which isnt that fair, you wouldn't always know it'd work and it's easy not to feel guilty to say NO to dating a guy just 'coz u feel obligated.)

Is it okay when the guys pay it all, all the time?

Your advice is greatly appreciated.

-Money to Spend

Dear Money-

I understand why you want to pay for dates. You're a considerate person. You're fair-minded. You don't want to hit anyone up for a free meal.

And a lot of guys claim they want a woman to pay, at least some of the time. But when you actually try to pay for one of them, lines blur, and they get confused: Maybe she's trying to tell me she's not interested.

So you let them pay for the first and second date. If you feel uncomfortable, you can casually say (after dinner, for instance), "I'm having such a great time. Would it be okay if I bought you a drink?" This way he knows you enjoy his company, but you're not on the prowl for a meal ticket.

If he says yes, great. Buy that drink. But if he insists on getting it, let him.

It comes as no mystery to me why you felt compelled to offer to split expenses after your date spent so much time and money coming to visit you (I would have felt the same way), but when a guy insists on paying, do yourself a favor and let him.

Console yourself with the probability that if the relationship shows promise, you will have plenty of opportunity to pay for him after, say, a third or fourth date, when you're both standing on surer ground.

If the idea letting him pay still sticks in your craw, remember this: Most women only earn about 72% of a man's salary for doing the same job. We get charged more for haircuts and drycleaning. So, let a man right the scales once in a while.

You're clearly not the type of woman who takes men for cash and prizes, so cut yourself some slack. Also, remember, letting a man for a date in no way obligates you to "get physical" with him, and any man who suggests otherwise would be better off hiring a hooker. He's kidding himself if he thinks he's going to find the love of his life.

And, as for men who refuse to pay on first dates, I'm afraid I have to agree with most of the dating advice you've already read: It suggests a rigid, paranoid personality, and it would turn me right off.

He Said He Loved Her, and Then He Said He Didn't Know

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 14:38:00 +0000

Dear Terry,

I need your suggestion and help. I love a guy I met through Internet.
In the beginning, I was not serious about him. He said he loved me. We are talking from around two months, and now sometimes he says he has never felt love, and then sometimes he says he loves me.

I'm having my exams after this week, and I am disturbed. I don't know what to do because I am serious about him. I haven't told anyone about this matter, so if you can help me, I will be very thankful.

- He Loves Me, Loves Me Not

Dear Loves Me-

First off, good luck with your exams. Concentrate on those exams!

Whenever a person tells you he loves you and soon after tells you he's never "felt love," it's time to reconsider his potential as a boyfriend. He's a sad character. He also could be a number of other things, including manipulative, wishy-washy, inconsiderate of others' feelings, or just plain lost.

You deserve better than this.

Furthermore, you mentioned that you weren't serious about him at first, but (if I'm reading this right) that you fell for him after he told you he loved you. A lot of us do this; a man tells us he loves us, and we look for reasons to return his affection because -- who knows? -- he might be our last chance.

But, until this guy gets his act together, I'd walk away, focus on my exams and my future, read a few good books, and decide to enjoy life. Remember the Golden Rule: "Treat others as you would have them treat you." Ask yourself, "Would I tell a man I loved him, and then turn around and tell him I'd never 'felt' love before?"

If the answer is no, ask yourself why you are allowing an individual who won't afford you the same consideration to hold such power over you. Life is too short for this nonsense.

I'll say it again: You deserve better.

-Terry

Ditch the Padded Bra

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 15:25:00 +0000

Dear Terry,

Thanks for the great blog, I admire it. I'm single woman, way far past the 'puberty' stage, and I've very small breasts, and I'm blessed with a beautiful face with great lips, and a slender figure (I eat a well balanced, healthy diet with meat--except red meat -- and vegetables).

I never minded having small breasts, (I'm size AA) until I faced many harsh comments from few guys saying - you don't have a trace of flesh anywhere on your body or that I'm the most handsome man they've seen!

Needless to say, these men made my heart bleed! And there was nothing I could say in return to them, as they were my so called 'friends' (not my dates).

Hearing these comments, started my struggle (and not really from having small breasts.) I didn't dare to date much or cut dates very quickly sometimes out of fear that I might get hurt from those men again too.

Even other girls used to call me 'flat' behind my back ! (I'd overhear them sometimes when they thought I was not around). They ripped my heart to pieces.

My real friends, hearing other girls, advised me to get some padded bras, so I don't need to listen to such nasty comments from anyone. I've been using them for years, they make me feel 'normal' by society's standards, and on a date, a man complimented me on my 'perfect figure,' so I felt bad that I was not perfect, and he perceives me to be so. And it was too awkward to tell him. Anyways before I could tell him, I knew he had a girlfriend (through another source) and was just wasting my time.

It took me lot of years to see how low these people are, (and the problem is them, not me ) to make a woman feel 'alien' for not having a perfect figure, and I had to read a lot to soar my confidence in all ways possible and realized, not all men like a woman just for her breasts! And I'm loved by my friends, guys and girls both for my persona!

I've been a very confident woman despite this,after the 'realization' dawned on me, and I don't take sub-standard behaviour from a man regardless of whatever, but then at the end of the day - I feel all the attention on my breasts when I try not to wear a padded bra and it's kind of embarassing to be looked like you're strange-as if you come from a different planet!

I hate to be looked at my chest for having a small one. So when I wear a padded bra and meet a man, I feel as if I'm faking my appearance, (I've good features and a glowing skin, so I hardly wear any make-up even and now I had to make a part of my body look fake?) and how I could let him know about my real figure, which I personally am not ashamed of,(no sleeping with guys until marriage = my church + heart's stance on sex), but hate the attention from people for being of a certain size.

How can I not wear the padded bra and still not feel odd in public, when I go on a date, or meet that gentleman ? How can I deal with it if I happen a meet a man with the padded bra ?

I only got a bunch of jerks as my boyfriendss, when they abuse me emotionally, and I try to break from them and protest, they'd say things about my body then. This of course, made me feel terrible. If there are men who respect a woman with a great personality like me, how am I not meeting them? What can I do to meet such men? (I'm against surgeries as I care for my health. I wouldn't at any cost give it as the price to just look 'perfect').

Your advice is greatly appreciated.I feel terribly confused and feel shy to discuss it with anyone.

-Attracting Jerks

Dear Attracting-

You wrote, "I felt bad that I was not perfect, and he perceives me to be so."

Yikes. Nobody is perfect, certainly not some clown who's dating you when he's already got a girlfriend.

And then you write, "...how low these people are, (and the problem is them, not me ) to make a woman feel 'alien' for not having a perfect figure...")

Yes, the problem is them, but if you've bought into the idea that you're alien if you don't have a perfect figure, the problem is also you. Nobody does have a perfect figure, by the way, and guess what? Even if a man or woman is the picture of physical perfection today, he or she may not be 10 years or even two months from now.

Life happens. Illness happens. Babies happen. Laziness happens. So, it really is who you are on the inside (and who a man is on the inside) that matters. Not money. Not looks. Not breasts.

With regard to emotionally abusive men: Why do you even bother? Why protest? Just stop returning calls and disappear. The same goes for these so-called 'friends' of yours, male or female, who find it necessary to comment on your body parts. Don't waste your breath on them. Just fade away.

If I were you, I'd stop wearing the padded bra, let those small breasts be exactly what they were made to be, and make the very most of wearing clothes that your fuller-figured sisters cannot wear. From your description, you're built like a model, so hold your head high and walk like one.

You say you have glowing skin, a beautiful figure, and a lovely face, so why are you concentrating on the one thing you perceive as a flaw? Why do you allow men who have the audacity to discuss this so-called flaw to infiltrate your airspace? (If a man commented any of my body parts, I'd dismiss him immediately. There's a red flag if I ever saw one.)

These women who talk about your flatness behind your back? They're not your friends. Did it ever occur to them they're jealous of you? And the men who make fun of your breasts when you try to break it off? Well, you've only confirmed their suspicions that they're not in your league, and they're lashing out. It's the oldest trick in the book.

By the way, have any of these men been physically perfect? Not a knobby knee, a hunched shoulder, a hairy back among them? Come on. None of us is physically perfect. Not George Clooney, not Angelina Jolie, not me, not you, not any of your 'friends,' either.

So, what do you have going for you besides your looks? Write a list. Bring it to mind whenever you're afraid that you don't have what it takes to attract a human being who will love you just as you are.

Where do you meet such a person? Through friends, through clubs or classes, through volunteer work. If you volunteer somewhere (a good friend of mine is going to New Orleans to help Hurricane Katrina victims with a group from her church), do it alone. Just make sure you're joining a safe and reputable organization. You're more likely to make new friends this way, and a new friend (male or female) may introduce you to the love of your life.

As a shy person, it helps to put yourself in places where you have to talk to people. If you bring a friend along, it's just too easy to talk to her and hide out from everyone else.

Surely, you've seen stories about people with genuine disabilities or deformities (we're not talking about small breasts here) who have attracted love and lasting relationships. You certainly have what it takes to do this.

Furthermore, one thing you must remember about breasts: Most of them sag after a while. They prohibit one from wearing certain clothes (the wrong cut turns the wearer into a sack of potatoes). You have been spared these problems.

Wear your small breasts proudly. Think of them as a blessing: A means of separating the worthy from the unworthy.

And remember, one of the most famous models of all time, Twiggy, had small breasts. They sure didn't hold her back from love, fame, or fortune.

Has Marriage Gone the Way of the Dinosaur?

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 16:39:00 +0000

Sandra Tsing Loh thinks so and wrote an article for The Atlantic to explain why, providing an interesting counter to the piece the same magazine published last year, entitled, "Marry Him--The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough." (We discussed that one here.) Psychologist Gail Saltz weighs in during Meredith Vieira's interview with Loh (wished Today had opted to give us more of an interview and less of that lengthy lead-in, though).

What's your opinion? Is marriage dead?

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Guys Who Go On and On and On About Themselves

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 16:09:00 +0000

Terry,

I'm a single girl in late 20's. I'm fairly good looking, intelligent, kind and caring, and have lots of self-respect.

When I date guys (via online dating sites), we usually talk over the phone for about a week or so, before we plan to meet up (due to distance concerns, etc.).

Also, it makes sense for me to know if we share anything in common to meet the guy on a real date (for eg: some guys make awful jokes even over the phone, mostly it sounds more disrespectful towards me or someone else than a joke! Or they talk ill about women in general, as in, "I think a man should be the one who makes decisions in relationships" etc ...or they behave weird, i.e. leave me three voice messages within 5-10 mins when the phone gets a weak signal).

Anyway, most of the guys I've dated, seem to talk too much about themselves, they ask nothing much about me after first 5,10 mins and then keep talking about themselves!

I suspect this is because, I ask them questions that make them talk about themselves in detail. But when I pause after they're finished, they don't ask anything about me, and still keep talking 'bout themselves! Because, I'm interested (in the guy), I'll say something about the topic they're saying, and it becomes all about what the guy's saying. Even if I pause later, he gets so engrossed talking about himself, he forgets he should also know about me.

Now this has happened with at least 15-16 guys that I had phone dates with. Somehow it turned out, they were not right to even meet, as they didn't match in other departments like kindness, consistency, or at least one shared interest etc. I got to know so much about the guy, as the guy spent most of the time talking about himself, so at the end, he's no idea about me, but I know an awful lot about him. It worked for me in some ways, that I could call it off, knowing what a creep he is, when he told stories about himself.

But, I feel tired on phone dates, listening to the guy forever. My friends tell me, I should take charge and also tell them about myself, as guys are not good at asking any questions (asking questions which make a girl talk about herself ).

I feel, asking things is a sign of interest, and may be they're only interested in themselves and narcissists.

But I doubt it, as they seem very disappointed when I call it off, even before the meeting ... and genuinely seem to like me, and always make that call at the time promised, and email me during the day. Some even insist on meeting, before I make a decision to move on that early. ( I always stick to my NO though. )

So, do I have to share things about myself without asking, or am I just attracting a bunch of narcissists?

I'm a little scared of commitment seeing these guys, and I know I wouldn't feel that way, when I meet that kind, intelligent, loyal, caring man. Am I doing something wrong? I'd like to know your views about where I went wrong, if that's the case.

-Sore Ear

Dear Sore Ear-

You're doing quite a bit right, feeling these people out before you agree to meet them. And no wonder they all seem to like you; everybody likes to be listened to, and since so few people are willing to be the listener, you come off like the ideal mate.

It's possible some of these guys are narcissists. It's possible that others are too nervous or too clueless to let you do some of the talking. You ask a question, they answer. They wait for your next question. You ask it, they answer. Some of them probably aren't even aware they're bad conversationalists because you're such a good one: You ask questions. You're interested in other people. You're a good listener.

Your friends are right, though. You need to interject. So, if you ask a guy what he likes best about his job, for example, let him answer. During that pause where you hope he'll ask you about your job, you say, "The great thing about my job is...."

If he listens, good. If he cuts you off, not good (you may indeed have a narcissist, or worse, a total bore on your hands). Once you find yourself slipping into that receptacle for information mode again, you can say (in a light and friendly way), "Hey, I've riddled you with enough questions. What would you like to know about me?"

I suspect you're somewhat shy about volunteering information about yourself. It really does feel better to be asked, to know that the other person actually cares. But you probably need to get out of your comfort zone on this one.

Interject! Volunteer! Speak up!

Did you really speak to a guy who said, "I think a man should be the one who makes decisions in relationships?"

Eek. I can't imagine that poor boy will get far in life!

What's the Deal With This Guy?

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 18:02:00 +0000

Dear Terry,

I recently purchased and read your ebook and have been reading your emails for months - all good advice. I have a particular question to ask your advice on. I dated a guy (friend of a friend) a year ago - we only went out 4 or 5 times before he ended it saying he loved spending time with me but wasn't sure if there were "butterflies." I was sad b/c I really liked him and he is such a wonderful guy, but respected his decision and moved on.

A few weeks ago, we were at a friend's party and spent most of the night talking to each other... after the party the two of us went on for drinks at a bar until closing time. For the last three weeks he has been really keen to hang out - about twice a week he asks me out to a movie or dinner etc. which I think it is quite frequent for 'just friends' (and many male friends of mine agree, plus we both have fairly busy jobs and he has a lot of friends so twice a week seems a bit excessive, especially so 'all of a sudden'), plus he always sends an email the next day saying he 'had a great time with me' and makes plans to meet up soon.

I never ask him out or email him though I do agree to go out and respond warmly and positively to his emails etc. we always have a great time and stay up talking quite late... but so far no 'kiss' or movement towards something more than friends.

In general he is picky about who he dates (his friends say) and he has only dated me in the last three years (and even that was very brief, and he is a very eligible guy), so I think he is patient and doesn't like to rush into things or force things.

Two questions for you: 1. do you think (based on the limited knowledge you have) that he is interested and is just taking things slow given that he is a really nice guy and doesn't want to rush into something when we do have a history? 2. I try to follow all your advice in your book about visualizing etc - but now it is hard for me to do so without thinking of him... and I know you advice not to think of someone specific but really can't help it... he has all the qualities I am looking for and I am just generally really into him....what should I do?

Thank you for your advice - I can't believe I am emailing someone I don't know about this, but who knows - stranger things have happened and I really want this to work out so I am open to trying anything and everything.

-Baffled By His Behavior

Dear Baffled-

Thanks for the kind words.

Here's what sticks out from your message:

".... we always have a great time and stay up talking quite late... but so far no 'kiss' or movement towards something more than friends."

Now, this fellow is swallowing up two nights of your week, emailing you frequently, and generally helping himself to bigger than his fair share of your thoughts. You say his friends say he's picky, but I think you need to be picky, too, and not automatically hand over so much of your time to him.

I know you like him. I know you're crazy about him. I know it's difficult to say to someone you pine for, "Sorry, can't make it. I promised (insert name of fun, supportive friend here) I'd meet her after work for drinks."

But you have to do it.

You're right to be friendly and positive, but you're wrong to say yes to every invitation he issues when he hasn't kissed you or given you any indication of his feelings. You certainly don't want to fall head over heels for this guy and find out two weeks from now that he doesn't feel "butterflies," and have him tell you he's not to blame because he never led you on by getting physical.

It's possible he does like you. It's possible he wants to take things slow. It's also possible he's wasting your time. But it's not your problem to figure any of this out. It's not your responsibility to puzzle it out with his friends or yours.

In the future, take your time responding to his emails. When you do, be your usual pleasant, happy self. The next time he asks you out, be unavailable. (If he's interested in you, he will not be dissuaded from pursuing you because you made other plans.) Then be somewhat available but not always available. Let him understand that time with you is special.

I would agree to go out with him just once a week. If that doesn't increase his ardor, I'd think twice about seeing him at all.

You say it's difficult to visualize anybody else but him at this point (of course it is), so I suggest you suspend visualization for the time being. Concentrate on protecting your time and your heart.

If you haven't already, write a list of your very best qualities. Put down what you have to offer in black and white. Pull that list out of your pocket whenever you're tempted to see any guy only on his terms.

Also, I'll say it again: Get busy and keep busy. It's easier to say 'no' when you have other things to do. And when you're not with the guy, don't think about him. Don't talk about him. Keep your mind in the present, on the people who surround you.

I hope this helps.

Terry

Bad Blogger

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 13:01:00 +0000

Maybe I should retitle this blog, "Dating Advice Weekly," since I haven't posted nearly as often as I should over the past couple of weeks.

Right now, I'm bogged down in several different projects and hope to soon resume writing almost daily, as advertised.

Your comments and questions are important to me, so please keep them coming.

Have a great weekend.

She Needs Him Like a Hole in the Head

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 13:12:00 +0000

Dear Terry-

Would like your advice. Recently my dream man has broken it off after six months together. In the beginning, he treated me very well, but around a month or two later, he said he wasn't in love with me and started to treat me badly. He was very bad tempered with me.

I really love this man, but now he has no feelings at all for me, and he also has another object of his affection already. Is there any chance to make this man come back to me again? Do you have any techniques I could use?

Now he's avoiding me, doesn't call or message. But really miss him. The worst of it is we work together. So I have to see him. Is there any way to pull him back?

I really need your help.

-He Made Me Feel Things

Dear He Made You-

Let me get this straight: You want me to tell you how to get back with a man who treated you badly, who avoids you, and was "bad tempered" with you.

Sorry, but I won't do it.

You deserve better, and the only person who doesn't know that yet is you.

You think you miss this guy, but you don't. You said he treated you well in the beginning, and that's what you miss. You miss those feelings you got when you spent time with him at the start of your relationship, when he was kind and affectionate and good to you.

Think of this man as a faucet. At one point, the faucet delivered pure, sweet, wholesome, and nourishing water. Then something went wrong in the pipes, and the faucet started spewing rusty, poisonous, undrinkable water.

It's time to stop drinking from this faucet.

Of course it's difficult that you encounter this man at work every day, but here's what you do: You wave, smile, and keep walking. If you need to talk to him about business, keep the conversation strictly business. Get the information you need, smile, and walk away.

Do not let a disappointing relationship get in the way of your livelihood.

In the meantime, work on developing the self-regard that will help you attract a consistently loving man (not a guy who loves you one minute and not the next). I recommend the excellent book, You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. It can help you do it.

Should She Move On?

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 13:38:00 +0000

Terry-

I love your column, and I need advice.

I'm 28, and widowed, with one child. It's been two years, and I've processed everything, and I think I'm in a good place emotionally.

I'm bright, and funny, and a good mom, but I'm not very attractive. Dating is incredibly scary for me.

I have been dating a boy for about three months. He's three years younger than me, and is very nice. He's cute, well educated, etc. We laugh a lot, and share quite a few values.

I think I might love him. He said he definitely has feelings for me, but that he can't call it love yet.

He is scared of falling in love with a single mom, he says, because it's much more commitment than he's planned on so soon. He says he's not ruling it out, he's just not there yet.

After three months, shouldn't he know? Should I chalk this up and move on?

One one hand, it's very likely that he's not ready for a commitment. On the other, he treats me well, and is nice to my kid, and has been extremely honest about where he is emotionally.

I can't tell if he's "into me" or not. He wants to meet my family, he spends time with my child and me, etc. But, at the same time, he's not introduced me to his family yet.

Is this a lost cause? If not, how long do I give it?

-Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Dear Should-

Thanks for writing and for the kind words. One thing sticks out above all else in your letter:

"...I'm not very attractive. Dating is incredibly scary for me."

I'm going to beg to differ here. You're a widow (please accept my very sincere condolences on the loss of your husband), so obviously you are attractive and lovable enough to have compelled a man to marry you. Furthermore, now you've attracted a man (or boy, as you describe him) who says he "definitely has feelings" for you.

You say you're smart and funny. Smart and funny trump looks in the attractiveness department. Have you ever noticed how a person can be magazine-cover perfect, but you don't feel any sort of pull? You're not intrigued. You're not attracted. And then another person comes along carrying a little extra weight around the middle, and maybe his hair goes haywire in damp weather, but he's funny and smart. And he just lights you up on so many different levels.

Same goes for men and you. I once had a beautiful friend who turned heads everywhere she went, but she didn't attract anyone for very long. She didn't have much of a personality.

Dating is scary for a lot of us (I can say this because I am a shy person who masquerades as a not-shy person). Please do not settle for less than you deserve because you fear you're not attractive enough to "do better" on the dating market.

Okay. Back to your boy...

Three months is not such a long time, and it's good that he's been honest with you about his reluctance to fall in love with a single mother. He's right; becoming a stepfather at 25, 26, or 27 years of age is daunting (hell, at age 47 it's daunting).

It's possible he'll get over this reluctance, but it's entirely possible he won't. I don't know that I would banish him, but I definitely would spend less time with him for my own protection as well as my child's (because every minute you spend with this guy, you and the child are becoming more attached to him). He doesn't know if he's going to stick around for the long haul, so you don't know if he's going to stick around for the long haul.

So please act accordingly: He doesn't get to meet your family. If you do decide to go out with him, leave the child with your family or with a good babysitter. At this point, he does not qualify for access to your entire life.

Also, if you aren't already doing it, this would be a good time to spend more time with friends or to make new friends with similar interests. Expand your social circle. If someone else comes along who's attracted to your intelligence and precious ability to make others laugh, by all means, date him. And introduce him to your child only after he's indicated he's not put off by the possibility of one day caring for that little person on a daily basis.

In other words, give your boy a chance to figure out what he wants to do. And, in the meantime, do exactly what you want to do.

And stop holding yourself back due to excuses about being unattractive and afraid of dating.

Terry

PODCAST: How to Shop for a Husand

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 16:24:00 +0000

Check out my interview with Janice Lieberman, author of How to Shop for a Husband: A Consumer Guide to Getting a Great Buy on a Guy You can listen now or download it to your iPod.

It runs just under 15 minutes. Click here to listen.

When Syllables Collide (My Interview with 'How to Shop for a Husband' Author Janice Lieberman)

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Thu, 28 May 2009 17:37:00 +0000

The week has been a blur. I've been nervously working toward a goal.

And then this morning, I interviewed Janice Lieberman of The Today Show, who just published How to Shop for a Husband: A Consumer Guide to Getting a Great Buy on a Guy. It's one of the most hopeful and helpful books I've read on the subject. Seriously.

The interview should run on Single Women Rule tomorrow or Monday (forgive me for being inarticulate in our discussion; enthusiasm for Janice's book combined with a lack of sleep resulted in a collision of syllables).

If you're the first one to comment on the podcast (on Single Women Rule), you'll win a free copy of How to Shop for a Husband. If you'd rather not wait, you can snatch one up at your local independent bookstore (that's how I like to do it -- keep that small merchant in business!).

Or you can just order it from Amazon.

Does Marriage Have to Spell the End of Love and Romance

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Fri, 22 May 2009 20:06:00 +0000

Not if you ask Ronnie Ann Ryan, who recently spent her ninth wedding anniversary in an unconventional manner. While many couples like to celebrate anniversaries in restaurants, Ronnie wasn't into it this time. Her husband went along with her alternate plan, which left her mightily appreciative.

After the anniversary, she blogged:

I never look back at all the dating I did with regret. Some of it was fun, some of it was devastating, some of it was tolerable. And just once - I hit the jackpot."

If you're in Connecticut on May 28th (that's next Thursday), Ronnie is scheduled to discuss flirting, one of her all-time favorite subjects, in Milford. She says, "Flirting is good for your health. Single or married, leveraging feminine charm energizes you, makes you feel alive and desirable and increases your everyday joy."

MEET RONNIE:

Thursday, May 28th, from 7-8:30 pm

MakeupMakeup Studio
22 Broad Street, Milford on the green
(Behind Dunkin Donuts)

RSVP - 203-783-9096
The event is free but limited to 20.

Attracting the Best in Life

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Wed, 20 May 2009 15:16:00 +0000

Yesterday, I had the good fortune to interview Loren Slocum, author of Life Tuneups: Your Personal Plan to Find Balance, Discover Your Passion, and Step into Greatness, for a Single Women Rule podcast.

I enjoyed talking to Loren because we agree that feeling good about yourself, being true to yourself, and developing female friendships are keys to attracting the best things in life (which would include good men and fulfilling work).

I also liked her book because it contains quick, effective exercises that help you make little shifts that can really add up. And you're not going to bend yourself into knots doing them.

Loren’s currently a Life Mastery and Unleash the Power Within facilitator for the Anthony Robbins Companies, as well as the founder of Lobella International, a community devoted to helping women recharge and rediscover themselves. (Loren also mentors disadvantaged children and is active in Raising Malawi.)

You can listen to the podcast now or download it onto your iPod by clicking here.

Be the first one to leave a comment on it on Single Women Rule and get a free copy of Loren's book!

More About Dating and Cell Phones

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Mon, 18 May 2009 17:37:00 +0000

Hi, Terry:

I enjoy your column and have gained a lot of insight from it.

I went out on a fix-up date with a man two years ago. We were at a nice restaurant, and HIS cell phone went off 2 or 3 times and he left the table to answer it (at least he left the table)....He came back to the table to tell me it was a "friend" of his who was going through a rough time. I felt it was rude and unnecessary on a first date (I sensed it was the lady he had broken up with), but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.... some friends of mine dismissed it as "Oh, he was just trying to impress you....don't make a big thing of it"..... he ended up dumping me after a few more dates anyway, so I do think it's a telling sign that someone is just not "present."

BTW.... a few nights later, I was watching a sitcom and a guy was in a restaurant and gave the exact same spiel to his date about the "friend" going through a rough time. I wouldn't dream of even having my cell phone "on" for a first date unless I had children or a sick relative. I deserve better, even if it takes a lifetime to get it.

-Can Do Better

Hello, Can Do-

Thanks for writing and for the kind words.

You're right. You do deserve better, and I'm so glad you realize it. Your friends were wrong to tell you the jerk -- er -- I mean, guy was just trying to impress you and not to make a big deal of it. As if isn't completely icky that someone would use such a pathetic technique to get you to like him.

Cell phones and dates just don't mix. When the guy dumped you, he did you a favor. He has zero manners and is probably also a liar.

Good for you.

-Terry

Romance Thrives on Mystery and Anticipation

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Thu, 14 May 2009 15:44:00 +0000

Every day of the week, a new device comes on the market that promises to simplify life for us. For the most part, they're great. But they could also be killing your chances for love.

First, the obvious:

Men still complain that too many women whip out a device on a first date and monitor it all night long for calls and text messages.

A woman (or man, for that matter) who wants a second date shouldn't be checking a device, unless she has children, in which case she can tell the guy, "I've instructed my children (or babysitter) to contact me only in case of emergency. Otherwise, I promise not to let this thing distract me."

Second, the less obvious:

Too many women are mistaking a series of text messages for a relationship. A relationship is eye-to-eye. LOL and laughing out loud are two very different experiences.

Which would you prefer?

Laughing out loud in the presence of a funny, smart, cute man who thrills you? Or tapping out a string of characters to the same guy and finishing it off with "LOL?"

Two different experiences, indeed.

Women are texting too much. Too much texting = no mystery. How are you going to get a guy to think about you, dream about you, wonder where you are and what you're doing if you you're telling him all day long?

Remember, no mystery = no romance. If you want a guy to take you for granted, text your heart out.

Otherwise, limit texting for critical communication (you're running late, for example). Give him a reason to want to see you. If he tries to engage you in a lengthy text conversation, text back, "Sorry. Busy. Meet up sometime?"

You've put the ball in his court. You've let him know you have a life, but you're interested enough to meet him face-to-face. That way, you can gauge his interest, instead of having to wonder if he wants to be your boyfriend or just another text buddy.

Are Men Really From Mars? (Or Just This Guy?)

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Tue, 12 May 2009 12:17:00 +0000

Terry,

Men ARE from Mars!

In a nutshell..I am on one of those social utility sites (Mybook..lol)..have many friends from overseas and long distance in general...a lot are guys that I have never met, but enjoy the occasional email with. So, BOY, was I surprised to receive a very long email from one of them recently outlining why he couldn't be in a relationship with me (I would have thought that was obvious. The other side of the planet being a little too inconvenient) and going into great detail about his new love..and how he doesn't want to hurt my feelings...you get the idea.

This has given me the feeling that MEN certainly look at things differently from ME.

I showed no romantic interest in this guy at all. Just friendly emails..the same as I have written to my female friends who happen to live overseas.

What's this about Terry? Can you shed any light on this guy's behaviour?

Sian

Hey, Sian-

This has very little to do with you, and everything to do with him.

He mistook garden variety friendliness for romantic interest. Unfortunately, this happens all the time. A guy (or girl) is socially inept, and they misread signs. Or, a guy (or girl) thinks they're 'all that,' and they misread the signs.

And it doesn't take much for them to do it, either.

Here's an example: Some years ago, I ran into a female acquaintance who'd lost a considerable amount of weight. Instead of shouting something insensitive like, "WOW! YOU USED TO BE SO FAT. WHAT HAPPENED?," I remarked, "You look absolutely fabulous." And I smiled at the girl.

(You see, I used to struggle with my weight, too, and suffered the occasional moron who'd run up to me in a public place and bellow, "YOU USED TO BE TREMENDOUS! LOOK AT YOU! WHAT HAPPENED?" So I was thrilled for this individual.)

A few weeks later, a friend said to me, "Terry, there's a rumor going around that someone is gay, who is definitely not gay."

"Really? Who?" I asked.

"You'll never guess. It's so ridiculous."

"Tell me."

"Apparently, Lisa Jones (the girl who'd lost weight) is telling people you came on to her at the Harp & Mandolin a couple of weeks ago."

Of course I was angry, Sian, not because she'd called me gay but because she was presumptuous enough to assume that if I were gay I would be attracted to her.

For a long time, I stopped complimenting people for fear they'd 'take it the wrong way,' but this isn't fair. People want to be noticed, and they should be. We crave love and attention the way plants lean toward the sun.

So, don't worry about this guy and his overkill letter about his new love, and how he nobly and gallantly let you down easily. It was never about you, anyway.

Her Son Doesn't Want Her to Date

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Fri, 08 May 2009 12:49:00 +0000

Hi Terry,

I met a man on an online dating service. He emailed me to tell me that he is interested in speaking to me. He immediately gave me his number. I called him and we talked. He called me on Monday. We had a date set up for Thursday, and my son who is grown man sabotaged the whole date by calling him on the phone telling him not to call on this number.

The guy called me back and told me that he cannot make it Thursday and will call me next week. My son does not want me to date because he doesn't trust my judgement. My previous boyfriend was dysfunctional. I read your column and have learned a lot from your advice. What can I do about the above situation with my son?

Not Thrilled

Hello, Not Thrilled-

You're an adult, so you should be able to make your own decisions. However, you mention that your former boyfriend was "dysfunctional," and since this could mean any number of things, I don't know whether your son is controlling, or if he's truly justified in wanting to protect you.

You say your son doesn't trust your judgement. Have you tried asking him what it'll take to change that? If he's right about the ex-boyfriend (notice I said if), do you see now how you might have accepted unacceptable situations and behaviors? Are you willing not to accept such treatment again in the future?

Most of us have experienced dating a person who didn't treat us well, but it's critical to not to make a habit of falling for such people. In other words, heed the signs and get the hell out of there.

Let me ask you a question: Why do you want to date in the first place? What is your goal? Are you looking for that "friendship that has caught fire," as Ann Landers (I think it was she, although it may have been her sister, Dear Abby) used to say?

Or are you looking for a man to make you feel worthwhile?

If it's the friendship-on-fire, good for you. Date people who treat you with love, kindness, and respect. If it's the man to make you feel worthwhile, please know that nobody is ever going to make you feel worthwhile but you. Self-worth comes from you. Interestingly, when women feel good about themselves, they attract good men.

Now, it's entirely possible that your son is out of line. If he has a history of controlling behavior, it's time for you to set boundaries. He shouldn't be screening your calls.

If you choose to see this new man, please remember to meet him in a public place. Take your own transportation. Get to know him (keep your eyes and ears open) before you let him into your car, home, and life.

I hope this helps.

She Attracts Married Men

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Wed, 06 May 2009 15:58:00 +0000

Hi Terry,

Why is it I attract all the wrong men all the time? Why do I keep
attracting married men, who I don't want?

And all the single men aren't keepers....

Regards,
Magnet for the Married Man

Dear Magnet-

Sometimes we attract the wrong men because we're subconsciously afraid of attracting the right one. Attracting the right one offers the possibility of a committed relationship, and that scares the daylights out of a lot of us.

It used to scare the daylights out of me.

This may or may not apply to you, but more than one married man has told me that he suddenly became irresistible to single women once he started wearing a wedding ring. Married men can be perceived as mature, grounded, responsible, sexy, and -- oh, yeah -- off limits. And being off limits presents a compelling challenge for a lot of women. The fact that she will probably never trip over his underwear on on a daily basis appeals to her on subconscious level.

You mention that single men are not keepers. Okay, definitely many single men are not keepers. But single men with the attractive qualities of their married counterparts exist.

Which begs the question: How come you're not meeting them?

It's possible you are meeting them, but you're not attracted to them because, on some level, you don't want a relationship. It really helps to take out a pen right this minute and write the word 'MARRIAGE' on top of a piece of paper. Then, without censoring yourself, write down every single word or phrase that comes to mind.

You may be surprised what you find out. Some women find themselves with a list that looks like this:

-security
-smothering
-yelling
-cooking
-love
-happiness
-children
-loss of identity
-cheating
-divorce

And so on.

As you can see, some of the impressions are positive, and some of them are decidedly negative. But, once you find out what you fear about committed relationships, you can face those fears and turn them around. For instance, would you have to lose your identity if you got married? Can you think of examples of women who didn't? Is infidelity a factor in every marriage, or is that an idea you picked up from a tabloid headline while waiting to check out at the supermarket (I'm not making fun of you; media messages are insidious and powerful).

Once you face your fears, it's very possible you'll find yourself attracting -- and just as important --being attracted to available men.

Good luck.

Get Back With Your Ex: A Guy's Approach

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Tue, 05 May 2009 12:33:00 +0000

Today I'm letting John Garett, author of John's Dating Tips Blog, do the heavy lifting. Here's an approach he recommends to men who want to reunite with their exes.

Why should you, Female Reader, care? Because John points out a critical element in getting an ex back: Maintaining dignity. It's not about playing hard-to-get; it's about remembering human nature. Every one of us, male or female, wants to date (or marry) an individual who demonstrates self-esteem. We all want a prize.

At the end of the piece, John recommends setting up a meeting, and this is where we part company (not wild about some of the photos he uses to illustrate his posts, either). Guy breaks up with me? I'm not making an appointment to see him.

But if he made an appointment to see me? If I missed him, John's right. I'd go.

Guys: 3 Simple Steps How to Get Back Together With Your Ex

I'm going to give you three easy and simple steps how you can get back together with your ex. The best thing is you can use this right away. However, this is just the "quick and dirty" method that should work for the majority of breakups.

But if your situation is a little more tense and has more variables in it... then you need to try the more advanced techniques.

But to keep things simple... I'm going to stick with these three simple and easy steps that you can implement today.

OK?

Alright. First of all, breaking up really, really sucks. And it can hurt... a lot... and you are probably missing her in a bad way.

Some of you may actually fall into a depressed state and feel like your world is just about to fall apart.

And those feeling may cause you to make rash decissions such as calling your ex and begging her to come back to you. As you will find out, this is a very bad idea!

I can't begin to emphasize how much calling, emailing, and texting your ex-girlfriend is going to turn her off... on you.

SO DON'T DO IT... NO MATTER HOW DESPERATE YOU ARE!!

And the key word here is desperate. That is what she will see if you are doing this. Desperate and needy...

And the only thing going through her mind is... "Eww!" And she can't get away from you fast enough.

So grow some stones and remember you are a man... act like one.

But does that mean you can't get her back? Absolutely not! There are techniques that you can do to put the ball on your court and massively increase the chances of getting back together with her...

So without any futher explainations here is the 3 simple steps you can do right now to get back together with your ex.

1) Accept the fact that you broke up.

It happened. And it happened for a reason. But the key thing here is to let her know that you are OK with the break up and understand that you both need to "move on." It does seem a little counter-intuitive but what this does is calms the waters of the break up. She can sit back and think about the relationship without any pressure from you. And doing so, hopefully she will realize that she still loves you and guess what? She will find a way to get back together with you.

2) Leave your communication devices alone.

Don't call her. Don't email her. And don't text her. Do what Yosemite Sam always suggests, "Just back off!" This is the thinking time for her. Let her mind do all the work for you. Pressuring her is just going to push her further away from you.

So stop contacting her. Give her some time to miss being with you again.

3) Plan now for the get together.

Of course you aren't going to be sitting on your hands during this time. Start planning on the get together. And by get together, I mean where you both should meet and what you will say to her when you do meet. This get together will give you an opportunity to gauge if she still loves you and if there is any chance of getting back together.

To sum it up, be cool about the break up. Give her time to think about you. And plan for the get together.

Now here is another bonus tip for you... never, ever lose your cool and don't argue with her either.

If you're looking for more ideas to improve your love life, check out John's blog for dating books review, dating tips, and random thoughts.

John's Dating Tips Blog

Adventures in Dating a Pathological Liar

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Fri, 01 May 2009 17:26:00 +0000

Dear Terry:

A friend of mine suggested I write to you about my bizarre experience. I like your techniques for visualizing a healthy, positive relationship with a wonderful partner. I was in a serious relationship for three years. I ended that relationship three months ago. I acknowledge that my ex had major issues and was a codependent. He did not communicate in a forthright manner and I had trouble trusting him. I can accept that he was not ready for commitment. But I am still trying to figure out reality. I need help with this other mess so I can put the final nails in the coffin. (I am seeking therapy, taking dance classes, went on vacation with old friends, etc. to refocus on myself).

I worked in the same office as my ex for three years. He said that his Catholic family would have a hard time dealing with me because I am not a Catholic. Due to his rigid boundaries, I never saw the inside of his apartment. I met his family when he moved back home but was introduced as his co-worker. We were very private and slow in revealing that we were together because he had supervised me at one point and did not want accusations of favoritism. A year into the relationship I went to grad school in another state and we became long-distance. That's when I found out through friends he was engaged to our former boss. I always knew my ex was good friends with this woman, although I did not get along with her. He withheld information from me until I confronted him. He admitted to being engaged but said it was only for immigration purposes because he was under threat of deportation. Because we all worked for an immigrant rights organization, I believed his story. He said I had expectations of marriage and that's why it was easier to be publicly engaged to a friend. I had never observed any flirtatious behavior between them. A year later I found out through friends that she was telling people she was married to my ex, there was no immigration case, and that I was a stalker. But my relationship with him was always consensual. I told him point-blank that I would not be romantic with him if he were married. At the time of the engagement, my friends and I had made some calls to him, his family, the supposed wife, his workplace, and the supposed wife's family to figure out whether the gossip was true. I never harassed them. I was simply on a fact-finding mission. I wanted our relationship to work. He told me his maybe wife had poor mental health, had started believing that she was married, and was in denial that I was his girlfriend. I thought by him talking to her she would put to rest these rumors. But close to our third anniversary, friends mentioned that the woman still acted like they were married, living together, with no immigration hearing. I searched state marriage records and no evidence was found to indicate they were legally married. I tried talking to her but she never returned my calls/emails. I tried calling his lawyer and the courthouse and no records were found on his deportation hearing. Given his close working relationship and long history with her, what am I supposed to believe?

Was he an evil man who played two women against each other? Or is his story true, that he is dysfunctional in his personal life and being silent comes easier to him than humiliating his boss/good friend? He was gentle, nice, charming, and cordial to all my friends/family so I fell for it. Where was his wife when we were all over our home computers carrying on conversations? Did his sister who befriended me know he was married? Either way he was disloyal, deceptive, and selfish.

Was I attracted to a manipulative sociopath/compulsive liar? Or was he simply a passive coward, and the truth is stranger than fiction?

With your experience, I hope you can help me solve this mystery. I want to avoid repeating the same mistakes. Your response will help me move on.

Thanks for listening.

Gotta Know the Deal Here

Dear Gotta Know-

First off, congratulations on getting therapy and taking steps to move on with your life.

You pretty much summed it up when you wrote, "Either way he was disloyal, deceptive, and selfish."

He was, and that's all that matters, really. Whether he and the former boss were ever married is irrelevant. The guy has shown himself to be disloyal, deceptive, and selfish, and you deserve much better than that.

Just so you know: You're not alone. I've known other (two just off the top of my head) women who were conned by seemingly charming men who came up with some ridiculous fairy tale with regard to some other woman in their lives. And guess what? In the end, both of these women ended up being confronted by the other woman (or, really, the wife or the true girlfriend) who called them -- guess what?-- stalkers.

This seems to be a technique of pathological men: Pit two women against each other and sit back and enjoy the show (to be fair, I've known women who love to get men to fight over them, too). It's narcissistic, pathetic behavior.

The good news is, you know what you don't want: A guy who's disloyal, deceptive, and selfish. So now you know what you do want: A guy who's loyal, honest, loving, and generous.

To stop yourself from 'making the same mistakes,' write an affirmation around what you do want:

"I am happily married to a loyal, honest, loving, generous, fun man."

What would that look like, feel like, smell like, taste like, and sound like? Bring it to life in your imagination (at least) twice daily. Over time, the details will start to fill themselves in.

(This sounds simplistic, but it really does work.)

Definitely keep seeing your therapist. Keep the focus on enjoying life. Keep bringing this new and fresh relationship you desire to mind, filling in details as you go, letting your subconscious mind accept it as fact. (Also, by honing in on what you do want, as opposed to what you don't want, you ensure you'll recognize it when it shows up).

Napoleon Hill said it best: What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.

Good luck. I'm thinking good thoughts for you.

She Keeps Sabotaging Herself in Love and Life

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 18:17:00 +0000

Hi Terry,

What do you do when your whole adult dating life has been this: "I see you only as a friend, a buddy, nothing more? I cannot handle anything more than that. Do you understand?"

This has been the story of my life, every man I ever dated, I was always the friend. The buddy. Nothing more. Now it is happening again. A man I dated for 3 years, suddenly decided, after I sent him an email asking for more than what we have. He said "I am not able to give you any more. I hope you never thought of me as a boyfriend, I never was." I only saw you as a friend, whose company I enjoyed. If you want more, then I suggest we end this now."

Before I sent the email, this man was very romantic with me, very kind. He was moving slowly, but moving in the right direction. With every guy I have ever dated I have played the same game. I can look back on my life and realize that I keep making the same mistake. I am 52 years old, never been in love, never been able to get past the friendship.

Every guy tells me I play too many games. I do not seem to learn from past mistakes. I do the same things with every job I have. Funny, I have been fired from every job I ever had. And forget references, they do not exist.

The man I am dating now wants to talk to me on Friday. I know what the talk is. How do I move on, or repair the damage I have done? And how do I stop sabotaging my life?

-Answer Me

Dear Answer Me:

Your letter breaks my heart.

You're wise to have come to the conclusion that you are the common denominator in your problems. Many people never, ever do that and keep making the same mistakes forever.

To find out why you keep sabotaging yourself, it's important that you contact a (good) licensed therapist, someone who will help you stop the sabotage so you can achieve a healthy, loving relationship and the ability to succeed in a job. With the right help, you can turn things around.

In the meantime, I recommend you read a wonderful book by Louise Hay entitled You Can Heal Your Life. It's helped many people, including me.

I wish you every good thing in the world, and I truly respect you for taking responsibility to change things.

Terry

She's Standing By Her Man

noreply@blogger.com (Terry) — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 15:31:00 +0000

Megan McAllister, the fiancee of Philip Markoff, issued a statement through an attorney yesterday: She's in love with the accused Craigslist killer, and she's sticking with him. In the Today clip below, psychotherapist Robi Ludwig explains why it's natural that she's doing this, even though the evidence against him is piling up.

But Megan McAllister is lucky. She's been spared the agony of being married to an alleged sociopath. Seven years from now, she won't be worrying about police banging on her door while terrified small children dig fingernails into her calves.

Still, the past two weeks must have been so disappointing, scary, sad, and confusing for this woman and her family. The weeks and months ahead of her will be difficult. I'm praying she gets the strength and comfort she deserves, along with the ability to trust her own instincts and enjoy life again.

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