Dating Magazine

Embrace Singleness this Valentine’s Day!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 10:54:00 -0800

So you’re sitting there single for Valentine’s Day 2010. Maybe you find yourself suddenly solo and fresh out of a relationship. You gave him the boot, he dumped you… really doesn’t matter. The point is, you’re free. (Yes, I said free.) Or, perhaps you’re well on your way to yet another single Valentine’s Day, and the practice is becoming all too familiar Either way, it all sums up the same: you’re single and there won’t be any candlelit dinners, spontaneous proposals or so-called unexpected roses.
So what? Single is something to celebrate! Trust me, I know. I’ve spent the past two not-so-fatal Feb 14ths without a significant other. And really it’s not so bad. So what if you spend the day thinking maybe, just maybe a secret admirer might send you a bouquet of the season’s freshest. Who cares if you wish that maybe that crush might pick up your vibes and think the time is right to make contact. It really doesn’t matter if you sit around thinking, “What if?”
That’s expected. We’re single, but we have feelings… right?
What matters is how you handle yourself after the workday is done. Or during, if you go all out for the event. As single, confident, independent people, our credo is the same:
“We the single people shall not pine away for the perfect loved one, nor shall we wish for a second mate for any, all or last minute dates. We will not sit sulking for a spontaneous bouquet of roses. And we shall never, ever feel sorry for ourselves on Valentine’s Day.”
Okay, so I just made that up. But it sounds good… right? So in order to grasp our new plea whole-heartedly, I suggest you see V-day (any coincidence that it rhymes with D-day?) in a whole new light. Embrace your single-hood. If you must, scoff at those betrothed to others. Give in to your most spontaneous of urges. And most of all: surround yourself with those just like you:
The single!
Now, because you’re single, you’re obviously experienced at devising great ideas and plans for fun. But for a bit of inspiration, I’ve taken a moment to jot down a few to enliven the senses and get those juices rolling. Take a look and start making plans, before the day arrives.
Hit the Road Jack

Road trip! Grab your single gal pals and hit the highway. Drive up the road to the nearest small town, find the area’s dingiest hole-in-the-wall, and make friends with the locals! Shoot some pool, throw some darts, chug a beer or two. Valentine’s Day don’t mess with those having fun!

Feel the Rush

The rush of love ain’t the only feeling worth grasping on Valentine’s Day. Do something adventurous – and I don’t mean a day at the spa. I mean the blood-pumping, stomach-dropping thrill of the most daring, outrageous adrenaline rushes. Make V-day your day for bungee-jumping, skydiving, rock-climbing. Try any of these and Valentine’s Day will be the last thing on your mind!

Throw an Anti-V-day Dinner

You’re single, most likely you’ve got lots of single friends. Why wallow, weep and whine in the isolation of your own homes? Gather all in the kitchen to prepare a huge anti-Valentine’s Day dinner: try “No Love Lost Lamb Chops,” or “Who Needs Him Ham.” Use your imagination!

Bring-a-Single-Friend

You’ve still got time to plan and host your own singles swap. Here’s the rules: all single friends are invited for drinks, hors d’oeuvres, and dancing. Sound obvious? Not quite. Here’s the kick: all attendees must bring at least one other available single friend of the opposite sex. Be sure to invite both guys and gals so the assortment and availability is plenty!

Engorge the Senses

Because if you plan it right, by distracting all 5 senses, you’ll surely overcome the instincts of the heart. For sound, I suggest Dean Martin’s Greatest Hits (really, I just discovered this and there’s a reason he’s a classic!). For sight, rent anything unromantic: The Godfather, Austin Powers, Coyote Ugly. Stay away from anything Meg Ryan. For smell, stride in to Victoria’s Secret and select the most inspiring, relaxing scent. For touch, if you’re up for it… employ a personal masseuse. Think Holly Hunter in Living Out Loud. If not, pair a bubbly bath with a bottle of the best bubbly (for taste). Finish it all if you please.

We’re Just Kidding!

If you’re over the age of 25, you’ve probably got coupled-up friends with kids. Now this may sound extreme, but trust me, you’ll have fun. Offer yourself for a pint-sized outing with the kids so the loving couple can enjoy a bit of privacy without the screaming rug rats. Pick the kid up, and get ready for a night of excitement. Try Chuck E. Cheese or any local arcade and go crazy with the games. Remember Joust, Qbert and Galaxia? They’re still out there and waiting for you!

What’s Happenin’ Hot Stuff?

Find out what’s going on in your town. There’s a reason Citysearch.com’s interactive planning guides are the most popular on the net. Find movie reviews, restaurant reviews, upcoming sports events, live theater performances. Do something you’ve never considered before. Normally outdoorsy? Try a traveling art exhibit. Typically tied to the opera or art? Venture out for something a little less pristine. You may find a whole new side to yourself!

Rev Up Your Night Life

The most obvious way to fight a “lonely” heart? Douse your calendar with dozens of dates, and fill up every lunch, dinner and drink opportunity with a new contact. Sound tough? Not really – just log in (or sign up) at online dating and find thousands of date-able guys and gals. You’ve still got time… who know what you’ll find by then!
So there you go. All it takes is an escape from the need for romance and pink, lacy cards especially for you. Get into the single groove, call up a few friends, and let loose on February 14th!

HUNTING FOR LOVE

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 09:36:00 -0800

Some people claim that in the pursuit of romance, men are the hunters. Like the lions of the Kalahari, they knowingly survey the landscape, carefully choose their prey, then hone in for the kill. Others say that women do the choosing; we don "war-paint," then lure the hapless male into our luscious lairs. Setting aside all the rhetoric, when you consider stories from real life, generalities about the genders seem to melt into the air. Sometimes a man does the pursuing, sometimes it's the woman. And in many cases, attraction is so instantaneous and mutual, the entire question of who's pursuing whom seems completely irrelevant.

One woman whose unorthodox approach resulted in relationship success is Trina, a theater set designer, who has been with her boyfriend William for two and a half years.

"I literally chased him—down the street!" she recalls with a smile, blushing slightly. "I'd seen him around the city a few times—once riding the subway, another time in the grocery store. I always noticed him because he's so tall—he's six foot nine! And I always thought he was incredibly good-looking, and wondered what kind of girl was lucky enough to get with a guy like that. In fact, I became convinced that he was the perfect man for me, and figured that if only I could meet him we'd live happily ever after."

After several months, a half-dozen sightings, and innumerable romantic daydreams, Trina resolved that the next time she saw William she would make contact. And so the next time she spotted him, in a bookstore, she waited until he exited and made her approach.

"I was scared to do it—I mean, he could have had a girlfriend!" she says. "But I figured that if I allowed my shyness to win out, I'd spend my life wondering if I'd lost my one chance at finding my soul mate. So I just followed him, said, 'Excuse me,' and asked him for his phone number." Trina and William went out for drinks that evening, and have been together ever since.

William was charmed and flattered that a woman had approached him for a change, and says that Trina's confidence and spirit made an immediate good impression. "One of the things I like about Trina is that she's very vivacious, and knows what she wants," he says.

Other men find that they are the ones who generally make the first move. Eli, who works as a manager for a footwear company, says that in every one of his relationships he has taken the lead—and he likes it that way. He first spotted his present girlfriend, Cordelia, at the gym and watched her for weeks before he made the first approach. "She is very good-looking, but I wanted to observe how she was with other guys, whether she was a big flirt. But she always pretty much kept to herself. I figured she either had a boyfriend, or she was someone who was trustworthy." Cordelia's workout included the Nautilus machines, and Eli was partial to free weights, but he started doing Nautilus too, just to get near her. "When I first started talking to her I think she thought I was kind of weird. It was ages before she agreed go on a date with me. But I won her over in the end."

In some relationships, the question of pursuit seems less important than the unusual circumstances out of which they evolve. Seth met his present girlfriend, Toni, at the office: in fact, she was his boss! "I was very attracted to her but I tried to put thoughts about it out of my mind," he recalls. "But after months of working together, neither of us could deny that the attraction was mutual." Seth asked to be transferred to a different division of the same company. "I still remember the day the transfer came through," he says. "I got the news at four, and by six we were slowly walking back to her apartment, together. The sky was really beautiful, and the whole world felt fresh and wonderful. At that point we had never even kissed, but we quickly made up for lost time."

Another relationship that evolved out of strained circumstances is that of Maureen and her now-ex boyfriend, Fred. When they met, Fred was actually involved with a friend of hers. "You know how a person likes challenges?" says Maureen. "He was with her. So he seemed like a challenge to me. I thought, 'I want what she's got.' And I got him." She left, and we ultimately had two children together.

Maureen's story doesn't end so well, however: "I was very young back then. Since that time I've learned that what goes around comes around, because after five years with him the same thing happened to me. Now he comes around and sees the kiddies, but we're not together anymore."

Maureen feels that she and Fred pursued each other, but many of the best relationships seem to evolve naturally, without any stress or issue of pursuit. "I met my girlfriend Kate at a restaurant," says Jonas, a software developer. "We were looking at each other across the room. I could tell she was attracted to me, as I was to her. She wasn't all done up or anything; she had very natural good looks and a friendly face. At a certain point we both just went up to the bar and started talking. I fell in love with her on the spot."

So set aside for a moment the issue of pursuer and pursued. For many of us, what matters most is not whether we're confirming some half-baked theory about gender roles and food gathering patterns in pre-agrarian societies, but how well we connect with other individuals in the 21st century. So if love is eluding you, forget about war-paint: your most effective tool is a warm, honest smile.

Dating Internet Style

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 13:30:00 -0800

Should dating become an Olympic sport? It often seems like dating can be a marathon of endless disappointments. Being so busy in today's society, the only way we seem to traditionally meet people is through work, friends, family, organizations, and places we frequent. Wouldn't it be nice to know that he or she exists and when they will arrive into our lives? After going on more than 500 dates myself by the time I hit 29 years of age, I felt that I had dated every type of guy that could possibly exist on the planet. I felt I'd more than trained for finding my soul mate. It can become depressing after a series of dates that do not work out, and you can begin to lose hope of ever finding that special person who can touch your heart like no other. You may start to wonder if you are being too picky and should relax on some of your requirements. But who wants to do that? So wouldn't it be nice to know a person's values, beliefs, future goals, priorities, and compatibility before asking someone out or accepting a date? Think of the efficiency that we'd all enjoy if we dated only people who met our basic requirements up front.

It occurred to me that there must be an easier way to meet the right type of quality people. Why not create a wish list of everything you desire in a partner and see if someone responds? Because if you really think about the concept of dating, we're merely interviewing others to discover potential compatibility. Take me for instance, I created a wish list of sorts for what I thought would be my perfect match and to my surprise I had over 10,000 people respond to an Internet personal ad I placed. This was a bit overwhelming to say the least. Sorting through all these responses to find someone honest and sincere would definitely be a task. But I had discovered a source for dating Olympic style and with a better chance of having my requirements met right from the start: online dating.

To date, most people who surf the Internet are business professionals that utilize the Internet in their daily work. After reading through my responses I noticed that the people surfing the personal ads represented nearly every profession. I could meet anyone I wanted with this incredible tool. The dating Olympics could finally begin! It was now up to me to catch the attention of the type of person I was interested in finding.

During my training, I soon realized that when describing yourself via the Internet, subjective traits should not be included. It is better to focus on the black and white details of who you are and what you are looking for in a potential partner. Traits such as "I am nice, friendly, compassionate, honest, loving, etc" could be interpreted differently among a group of people. We all have different ideas as to what constitutes a "friendly" person. Instead, when you state that you have a college degree, you like horses, and you practice a particular religion, your description is more objective in nature. In this instance, there will be fewer debates as to whether you correctly described yourself. I also suggest staying away from informing people that you like such general things as holding hands, cuddling, going out to eat, watching movies, listening to music, hanging out with friends, etc. Who does not like these things? Tell the world what makes you unique instead of how you are like every one else.

I soon learned that the Internet was the best invention ever. Because in one short year, I met over 100 people in person. And I had not one bad experience. Wow! Meeting so many new friends and acquaintances that had so much in common with me was a wonderful surprise. I knew then that I had to communicate this with the rest of the world, bringing other couples together. I kept hearing too many skeptical people with far too many misconceptions about the net. And I had to set the record straight. Most horror stories came from people who did not take the proper cautions, used chat lines, nor did their homework before meeting them in person. Whether you meet someone in the grocery store or over the Internet, you must use both your common sense and your intuition. So before meeting anyone in person, first and foremost it is important to see many recent non-glamorous images of your acquaintance. This will give you an idea of how serious they are about meeting you, and ensure that the photos they used are genuine.

Of course, the Internet isn't only one way to date Olympic style. If you are young, you may need to date a variety of people to find out what you like in a partner. However, once you know what you want, the Internet can be a very efficient and effective way to become introduced to your next companion. There is no risk to browse the ads and see who is online. You can find a great site and my suggestion to start your search. I found my soul mate online and now it is your turn to have great success. At minimum you can make new friends and have fun dating, Olympic style.

Makeover for a More Dateable

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 12:16:00 -0800

One great thing about single life is that it heightens your sense of awareness. Take your appearance. When suddenly single again, it becomes important to wear your best jeans to the grocery store, or to dab on a touch of lip gloss before Pilates. Because it's often true what they say love hits when you least expect it. And, to your surprise, Mr. Wonderful or Ms. Right could be sauntering down the dairy aisle or wiping down the stair machine. You must be armed at all times.

Even if Mom always hammered in the notion that it's what's on the inside that counts, you don't have to feel guilty about that new car that cries, look at me! or the extra mirror time you manage every morning. Think of your new sense of physical awareness as opportunity to take control of your image and your life. Because when you look good, you feel good. And people take notice of your confidence exuding all over the place.

A friend of mine recently split from her boyfriend of several years and absolutely swears that men are now checking her out left and right (which never happened when she was spoken for). She said she thinks it's in her stride or her aura or something that guys just sense her singleness. Possibly but it may also have something to do with those new leather pants and tight butt she's been working on since the breakup.

So if during your self-improvement/rejuvenation process, you, like my friend, attract fanciers like white on rice . . . great! Cuz you look gooood, and you're ready to get back out there. Of course, looking good and feeling good can mean many different things, depending on your priorities and what you need to feel comfortable with yourself. Here are a few things you may want to consider:What boosts your ego? Is it having a sculpted physique? A little color on your cheeks? A sassy new pair of sling backs? Maybe its not what's on you, but what you're on, like a big, shiny Harley or new dining room chairs. It may sound superficial, but we all have our comfort zone, and if spending a little cash makes you feel more self-assured and dateable, I say go for it.
Pluck, peel and primp. And this means both men and women. Spend some time on those eyebrows (if you've got one, make it two), give yourself a good facial (cleanse and exfoliate with a mud mask not out back), and sit down to a manicure and pedicure (think foot rubs and toe massages). If this all sounds like more work than balancing the federal budget, treat yourself to a day at the spa before a big date. (Note: Spa professionals seem to have a knack for spotting unwanted hair that we laymen can't see.)
Splurge on a good haircut. Can't stress this one enough. I've done the Supercuts thing when I just needed a trim for my low-maintenance do, and it just doesn't compare to the cut you get in a high-end salon. Subtle as the difference may be, a good quality haircut can change your entire look and attitude.
Eye appeal. Glasses can be very sexy (think Liam Neeson), but if yours make you feel like Revenge of the Nerds, you may want to consider a trendy new pair or look into getting contacts. There are a variety of contact colors available. Try a different shade than your natural eye color for a fun new look.
The breath test. Do friends constantly offer you Altoids and mint-flavored gum? Do co-workers take a step back when you move in to discuss a delicate business matter? Could it be your breath? It's hard to judge this type of thing for yourself, so if you think you may have a problem, ask a close (and honest) friend's opinion. If he or she confirms the worst, talk to your dental hygienist about possible treatments.
No clothes, no discipline, no sense of style? Personal assistants are now available for just about any need you can drum up: from personal trainers and personal shoppers, to overall image consultants. Check the yellow pages or the Internet, or talk to a respected salon or gym in your area. But before calling, take some time to make a list of what you really want and need from this miracle worker, so that your stalled-out plan for new and improved doesn't just become your assistant's. Work with your personality and complement your best traits.
Inside out. Personal makeovers extend beyond the physical. I asked a very attractive and dateable male friend to tell me what draws him to certain women, and his response would make anyone feel better about the dating scene: I think men love a confidant woman, someone who's not too flashy, but carries herself well. Personality is a plus too; a good personality can make an average woman more beautiful, or a beautiful woman even better looking.

THE SEVEN DEADLY FLIRTS

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 14:00:00 -0800

The term "flirting" leaves most of us a bit flustered. We either wish we were great flirts and regret that we are not, or we distrust the notion altogether because it smacks of game-playing. We are often confused as to whether others are flirting with us, or merely being friendly. And when it comes to flirting online, most of us haven't a clue. To dispel all of this flirting bewilderment, I have outlined several common flirtatious types, which I call the Seven Deadly Flirts. Familiarity with these types helps us understand how best to flirt with others-and to determine when someone is flirting with us.

1. THE GREEDY FLIRT
The Greedy Flirt is an indiscriminate attention-seeker. At parties she gratuitously promenades back and forth in a skimpy outfit, or drives up and down the driveway in her shiny red Lamborghini. Online, she noisily announces her presence in a chatroom with a cheerful "Hello, Gentlemen!! HERE I AM!!!" making liberal use of exclamation points and uppercase lettering. The Greedy Flirt is happiest when all eyes are on her. Whether she ever follows through is anyone's guess.

2. THE SLOTHFUL FLIRT
The Slothful Flirt conveys sensuality or sexiness with the littlest effort possible. He is a master of the languid glance, the sensuous gesture. Online he is adept at the sexual double-entendre, the provocative "Mmmmmmm! or "Do tell!" The Slothful Flirt doesn't do much because he doesn't need to; by piquing the curiosity of others, he inspires them to chase him.

3. THE ENVIOUS FLIRT
The Envious Flirt covets other women's beaus. If another woman will have a man, she believes, he must be desirable. Online, she tends to do the searching, and if a man tells her he is currently involved with another match, it only spurs her on. If you count an Envious Flirt amongst your friends, better watch your back: she's liable to invite your boyfriend to her place and encourage him to discuss his relationship problems over candlelight and a bottle of wine. If you happen to covet an Envious Flirt, she is easy to ensnare; just get one of your platonic female friends to pretend she is in love with you. The Envious Flirt is yours.

4. THE LUSTFUL FLIRT
The Lustful Flirt is clearly on the make. Perhaps he approaches you at a party and sighs, "I bet you look fantastic naked." Or sidles up to you in a bar and whispers, "I want to get you alone sooooooo bad…." Online, you have seen his handle, "TIGERNBED" or "OHORNYONE". The Lustful Flirt is thinking of one thing and one thing alone, and is determined to see it through immediately. His single-mindedness can be comical, but he walks a fine line between getting laid and getting arrested.

5. THE VAIN FLIRT
Some animals signal their interest in the opposite sex by preening, and The Vain Flirt is no different. She flips her hair from side to side, or curls it around her finger. She touches her face and fusses with her clothing. Many women unconsciously do some flirtatious grooming, but the Vain Flirt takes it to an extreme. Online she'll promote her good looks to the exclusion of almost everything else, describing how she might dress on her first, second, third, and fourth dates. At a bar, she pulls out her mirror to reapply her lipstick, accompanied by lip primer, lip liner, lip gloss, and lip seal. The Vain Flirt is easy to spot, and she is yours for the price of a few compliments. But once you have her, you might find her less interested in you than in herself.

6. THE ADULTEROUS FLIRT
The adulterous flirt is a wily creature, but if you are wise to his tricks you'll spot him with just a little effort. He has a complicated and important job in another town -managing an oil field, supervising the construction of an airport – so he is only around a couple days a week. He'd like you to come visit him at work, but unfortunately no visitors are allowed. Pity, because he is always so happy to see you, bearing flowers and gifts, and he always seems so frisky. But you can't reach him at night because he doesn't have a home phone and his cell always seems to be turned off. He doesn't wear a wedding ring, but the charade inevitably falls apart. The Adulterous Flirt has a missus, and one fine day she will hack into his personal email and track you down.

7. THE GLUTTONOUS FLIRT
The Gluttonous Flirt understands that the preparation of good food and the art of seduction should be practiced in tandem. Accept a dinner invitation from the Gluttonous Flirt and you're in for a treat. Unspeakably delicious aromas emanate from her kitchen. As she puts the finishing touches on a masterfully prepared meal, you are struck by her poise and sensuality. Once you sit down to eat, the meal becomes a form of foreplay, a sharing of a sensual language, so that by the time the dialogue moves from the kitchen into the bedroom the groundwork for love has been laid. Online you can spot a Gluttonous Flirt by the importance she places on food and eating out. "An avid and adventurous cook" is nothing if not euphemism. As you will discover, the Gluttonous Flirt is great fun in the kitchen – and elsewhere.

When a Crush Takes Over All Thought

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 07:19:00 -0800

Crushes tend to take over all of your thought life. It's time to focus.

Whether you are in the office, gym, or simply staring at someone from across the way, your heart can feel as if it wants to swallow someone instantly. The more you get to know this person, he or she may invade your every thought. It can often feel like you have the disease called a one-track mind. Your actual diagnosis may be that you have a crush. In such a state, losing focus at work and dreaming about where you would rather be with this certain person can happen frequently. Have you ever felt out of touch with your surroundings while driving and unable to remember what you just passed or exactly where you might be headed? More than likely, this happened when your thoughts were deeply focused on someone your heart was throbbing for. Be aware that our hearts have great power over our actions, and that this can be a mixed blessing.

Have you had daydreams that this person was involved in every facet of your life? During a crush we often wonder what it would be like to have this person constantly by our side, regardless of what we may be doing. In the beginning stages of crush-hood, our thoughts are uniformly positive. The object of our desire is placed on a pedestal of sorts and often pictured in an ideal manner. This idolization may cause future hurt if they do not live up to expectations.

While trying to maintain a realistic perspective, cherish the dream while it exists, as it will motivate you more than ever. Being motivated towards this new love for which you have fallen head over heels, can allow you to accomplish things you may not have been encouraged to do previously. Things like running or working out at the gym seem more important than ever because we want to look and feel our best. It is natural to want to impress the person of interest. When our hearts start pattering, we consider new ways that we may capture their heart and attention. The mind begins to anticipate and plan every move before we can live it out. We often wish time would fly by and advance the relationship to a higher level. A word of advice; enjoy each day as the relationship develops for that is half the fun of climbing the hill together.

You may become disappointed if your thoughts do not turn into action as planned. One thing in life that can be confusing is that we are taught from a very young age that we can have or accomplish anything if we work hard enough. Parents, however, often neglect to mention that this does not always hold true when considering other human beings and their emotions. If things go sour between you and the person you have a crush on, or they end up not returning your affections, then think of it as if you were just saved! Chances are there was a good reason for the relationship faltering. There would have been more pain in the future if it had not been discontinued as early as possible. Realizing this truth will enable you to open up more easily to wonderful experiences in the future. Even though it may seem like the end of life, others will soon capture your heart again. One merely has to allow it to happen.

Your future dreams are important, but live in the moment when it comes to relationships with friends or lovers. Every minute we are given in life we should be thankful, even when you are not with the person consuming your every thought. When one is not exactly where he or she desires, remember that a moment passed may not be relived. I have been guilty in the past of acting depressed when I was with a friend, when I would have really rather been somewhere else with my new found love. I had to stop and remind myself that by acting so distracted I might have been hurting the feelings of the person I was currently accompanying. There is always something to be learned in every circumstance. Make sure you do not have on blinders and enjoy the simplest things life has to offer. With that in mind, remember to follow your heart for it knows what your soul desires, but be aware not to get so engulfed or entangled with your emotions that you forego balance in life and lose what it has to offer.

The New Relationship How to Keep Cool When It Feels So Hot

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 5 Dec 2009 13:22:00 -0800

We've all experienced it at least once: you meet someone new, you really like them, and before you know it, things are moving fast. This can range from sexual intimacy after the first few dates to spending nearly every day and night with someone you've known for less than a month. That kind of sudden change can eventually be uncomfortable and may not be the best way to begin a long-term relationship. When things heat up fast, they sometimes can burn out just as quickly. We all know this, yet we dive right in anyway.

Still, it's understandable. When you've spent a lot of time dating people who "just didn't work out," and a fair amount of time alone, it's difficult not to be excited about meeting someone who really feels "right." It's human nature to jump head first into something that feels that good, and it's certainly very American to fall in love hard and fast.

But what can we do to ensure that we give these new relationships room to develop and hopefully flourish? Most of us don't know. And even more disconcerting, what do we do when one person wants "more space" and thinks we're "moving too fast?" No matter which side you represent, there are some basic relationship guidelines to follow.

The most important thing to remember when you meet someone you really like is to create boundaries around your time and space and to communicate them effectively. That doesn't mean calling the shots or demanding that your partner conduct him or herself on your terms only. It means you express what you need outside of the relationship and you also ask them what they need outside of it.

Now I know what you're thinking. Boundaries. There's that buzzword again. Roll your eyes all you want, but if you end up invading someone's space or they invade yours, it's because you never had a conversation about how much is too much and what your needs really are.

Of course, you have to figure that out for yourself first. Many of us give so much to others that we are unclear about our own needs. When it comes to the new relationship, issues like our time alone and our time with our friends often seem irrelevant, but really, they were never more important.

For instance, how much do you value time alone exercising or reading or working on your craft or hobby? No doubt those meaningful activities you've done on your own have been keeping you healthy in the times you wished for someone special in your life. Now that they may be here, does the need for your relationship with yourself take a back seat? Chances are the person you've met is attracted to the confidence and independence that time alone helped you to develop. It's important for the new relationship that you maintain that.

And what about your friends? I can't count the number of times I called a friend to thank them for coming over or taking me out on a weekend night when going out by myself just made me feel like everyone else was in a relationship but me. Does their importance diminish when I meet someone I can be intimate with? I say it doesn't. And we've all watched friends disappear when they fall in love only to call us when they are down and out. That doesn't feel very good.

If you really think this relationship is right for you, why jeopardize it by planning a wedding on the third date? Seriously, a healthy distance doesn't mean playing hard to get, avoiding direct communication, or denying yourself time with someone you really enjoy being with. But what happened to real dating? You know, going out and doing stuff together frequently in order to get to know the other person. That is not the same thing as being immersed in another world and dropping out of your own.

When you actually take the time to get to know someone and anticipate your next get together, a relationship unfolds. Sometimes that relationship is a friendship that remains a friendship, and sometimes it's a friendship that leads to a hot love affair. Either way, a friendship is based on trust, suspension of all judgment, and open communication. With true friends you know what to expect. And maybe that person you really dig is going to end up being a friend, but not just a friend, a true friend. Someone you can really talk to and share time with socially, among other friends. If you ask most people in long-lasting relationships, they were usually friends first, and friends ask for what they need and ask what the other person needs. You've been maintaining boundaries with your closest friends forever; why should your new intimate friendship be any different?

Don't let the excitement of meeting a wonderful person take you into that dream space we often associate with being lost in love. Perhaps you've been lonely for awhile now, and you're afraid this one might get away. Remind yourself that if you truly have a connection with someone, it isn't that simple. They don't get snared like a fish caught on a hook. If it's really meant to be, slow down, keep cool, communicate, and take your time. It may be a wonderful time to relish what will turn out to be a lasting relationship based on trust, friendship and communication.

Now that's definitely worth the wait.

Seven Deadly Sins of an Office Romance

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 2 Dec 2009 14:34:00 -0800

Maybe you've noticed just how sexy the new office manager is, or your flirtation with the slightly nerdy accountant is suddenly being reciprocated. Or you find yourself thinking of pink slips but not the kind that signifies a layoff. Perhaps you've even started dating someone from your (gasp) office. Though plenty of office romances do turn into lasting relationships (heck, even permanent relationships), there are a number of things you need to be ready for before you say yes to dating that co-worker.
There are dozens of positive aspects to dating a co-worker such as; automatically sharing common interests, a sounding board for complaints about that irritating co-worker, and lunchtime getaways for a quick, but refreshing, nooner. But there are also challenges to consider. Check out this list of the seven deadly sins of an office romance and make sure you can handle these things before responding to a coworker's e-mail about that romantic-sounding lunch.

Sure you were the best candidate Date someone from your office and you're bound to be tagged with this line at one point in your career. Instead of hearty congratulations for your latest promotion, you're bound to hear nagging whispers questioning your qualifications. Is your romantic half the hiring manager, or worse, your new boss? If so, double the innuendoes. And save your breath trying to explain that this is the position that you've had your eyes on for the past three years ago.
.Playing hooky gets a whole lot harder Want to stay at home together to enjoy breakfast in bed, a roll in the hay, and a walk in the park? No more calling in pretending to be sick to get away for the day. It suddenly takes coordination! Your stories have to match. Your excuses have to be plausible. And the worst thing of all? You have to endure the purple-haired secretary on the 12th floor when you make your call''Oh really?? Funny, Ms. Jones [pause for significance] called in sick today also. I certainly hope you both [another pause] feel better soon.'
Memories last way too long Its incredible how the office gossip can't remember where she put the file you desperately need, but won't forget that you dated Christine nearly two years ago. A simple, short-lived romance that is long over becomes part of company lore. If your former squeeze makes a fool of himself by drinking too much at the company party, this reflects on your taste in men. Never mind that you had the sense to dump the guy over a year ago. They won't remember that part. If you don't want your secretary to know that you snore after lovemaking, then dating someone at the office isn't for you.
Getting caught in an [ahem] awkward situation Everyone's had that fantasy about having sex on the conference room table. Well, now that you're dating someone at the office, you actually have the opportunity to give it a whirl. What a dream come true! Everything is going along swimmingly (and steamily) until the VP makes a surprise appearance back at the office. Unfortunately, you'll both have to face this guy on Monday morning. And you have all weekend to worry about it.
But honey, I was just flirting! Some folks, while not intending to cheat on their beloved, get a boost to their self-esteem by a simple, old-fashioned game of flirting with someone else. Some folks are just plain on-the-lookout for someone better. When you're working with your current flame, this browsing process becomes a little trickier. 'What? No honey, that wasn't my I'm really attracted to you' laugh! It was my 'gee, you're funny laugh. Honestly!'
Lack of privacy You have not yet decided that you want to spend the rest of your life with this person you are dating. When dating someone from your office, however, the time commitment can make it seem like that decision's been made for you. You wake up together. Drive to and from work together. Eat lunch together. Pass each other in the halls. Instead of spending hours hashing over your mate's good and bad points with your best bud at work, you have to be cautious on the subject. You never know who's listening and will report back to your significant other.
Potential for embarrassment is high Due to stress, proximity, and sheer quantity of hours together, you have increased the potential for embarrassing things to happen to you both. I have a former co-worker who was engaged to another manager. Using the company's email system, he composed the following sweet message: 'Hi sweetie. I hope you had an okay trip over to the other office. I'm thinking about you, and love you so much! I'll see you tonight at dinner. XOXO, Mike.' The response he received? 'Hello Mike. That was really sweet of you to think of me. I don't think we were scheduled to come over for dinner tonight but I'll look into it. I will pass your message on to Kathy when she arrives here for our meeting. Sincerely, Michelle, your boss.' You guessed it; he hit the wrong key and received a 'love letter' back from his boss, the CEO. True story.

Free Dating Service For Singles Which Offers Free Dating Profiles

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 04:55:00 -0800

Dating Magazine is currently an Online Dating and Matchmaking Service founded on the principals that dating people online should fun for you and your friends. Dating Magazine combines the ideas of human matchmaking, computer matchmaking, and open chatting to provide a very real-time environment. By becoming a free online dating member, you will have the opportunity to find people in your area that might be potential matches.

Sign up today and find out for yourself what you have been missing. Most people nowadays know of a friend or family member who has become serious with someone else they have met on the internet. We've all heard the stories and now is your chance to try online dating for yourself. Dating Online has become a great way for people to meet and connect.

Are you tried of the clubbing & night life scene? Instead of visiting singles bars and night clubs, join thousands of men and sexy women who have discovered Online Dating and found their perfect match. Try online dating sites below and see for yourself...

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Plenty Of Fish has what you’re looking for, if you’re looking for free membership, free to send and receive messages, free to post your picture with your profile, free to chat and post at the forums and lots of members (thus “Plenty Of Fish"). We found the service very easy to understand and navigate. Within just a couple of minutes we had joined and sent out messages to other members. Being able to browse for other members that are online ‘in a single click’ helps to meet someone fast too. Profiles can be grouped by country and local (city, state) area which impressed us with fast single clicks to meet other members. The only 100% FREE Personals site. What are you waiting for?

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#1 Visited Online Dating Site in the U.S.A. Looking for someone special? Create your Free Profile and then check out the SinglesNet photo personals, and detailed singles profiles. Use the Mutual Match feature to look for that special someone. As one of the largest personals sites online, SinglesNet is likely to have the man or woman you are looking for, but you'll never know unless you take a look. Fast, fun, & anonymous! Romance, dating, chat & more! Take a look, and see what you think...

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This is a fantastic free dating service. In terms of usability, function and navigation, You have yet to find a better dating site. It took a total of 3-4 minutes to set your account. Receive emails within a few hours, and have since met many wonderful individuals who might not just be potential love interests for you, but perhaps also life-long friends. Free video chat, free blogs, free contacts, free private talks and much more to come. No ads, no payments, no limits. Just Join And Enjoy!

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Think Quick and Creative This Valentine's Day

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 04:20:00 -0800

There are two schools of thought on Valentine's Day. Either you mock it, and blame Mr. Hallmark for inventing yet another way to beef up card consumption. Or you secretly revel in the hoopla, plotting and planning a host of orgasmic Valentine surprises.
Of course, if you're in the latter group, you most likely have a lover, perhaps a fairly new one. You probably can't wait until February 14th, when you have an excuse to mush and gush all over your little pookie love muffin. It's okay, you can admit it. You're a hopeless romantic. Stand proud!
We've got a few creative ideas for Valentine's Day to help you make the day as special as your loved one expects it to be ' in under three hours (less prep time).

1.Private party. Time is of the essence. So get busy and make those dinner reservations. But don't be predictable. Go private. In Atlanta, there's a new trend in dining snuggeries or cheaters booths. You can enjoy the thrill of slipping behind a curtain into a private nook with your dream date, closing off the rest of the world. Another popular dining spot is a restaurant's wine cellar for private, custom dining surrounded by hundreds of bottles and candles, complete with a buzzer to bring on the next course. Check out a few of your favorite restaurants for private dining options, and see if they can turn your Valentine's dinner into a affair that would make Aphrodite proud.

2.Ring for the bath butler. Who doesn't love a little rub-a-dub-dub? Especially from a sexy butler in black tie (that's you!) delivering hot oil, a glass of brandy, a call bell (and maybe a diamond or two?) on a rose petal-lined silver tray. Throw a towel over your arm, light a few aromatherapy candles, and rub your Valentine till she calls you into the tub for a generous tip.

3.About-face. Be a funny Valentine Day this year. Tell your date you're going somewhere you know he'll hate ' like the opera but then take him on his favorite jaunt. How about a basketball game or a strip club!

4.Highway to love. Little things go a long way, so, as Madonna so eloquently put it, 'Express yourself.' Head out to dinner at rush hour, and on the gridlocked expressway, turn up your favorite love song, hop out of the car, and waltz your partner, oh so carefully, down the median. (If your Valentine doesn't find it amusing, the commuters will.)

5.Make a movie. Oh, get your mind out of the gutter we're talking romance here, not Debbie Does Dallas! Create your own Valentine memory special. Interview all your partner's loved ones about why he or she is so wonderful, or retrace romantic steps you've taken together around town ' with maudlin commentary, of course. Then enjoy the movie together over a tall glass of bubbly.

6.Double your pleasure. Order a couple of professional massage therapists for a deep-muscle, double date in your living room.

7.Virtual date. Can't be with your loved one this Valentine's Day? There's still hope. Set up a videoconference at your office or a local resource forum. For extreme virtuality, make it a dinner date. Coordinate the same food, music, flowers on each end so you can experience all the same sensations and discuss the delicious meal and music you're sharing. You can do the same via email just a little awkward to type between bites.

8.Light her or his fire. The day before V-Day, pick a spot for a romantic picnic a local park, your backyard someplace that has a nearby electrical outlet. String white Christmas lights (as many as you can get your hands on) through surrounding trees, bushes, swing sets, park benches (as many places you can put them). Order your sweetheart's favorite dinner, and get lots of warm blankets (a tarp, if snow is an issue), a thermos of hot chocolate or gourmet coffee, candles, music and anything else to put you in the mood and keep you toasty.

9.You're sick you need some air. If you just can't stand the thought of spending only a few hours with your Valentine, call in sick to work this V-Day (it happens!), and call in for your honey, too (make sure it's not a big review day first). Surprise him or her early Valentine's morning with the news that you have an entire day off with nothing to do but go on a hot air balloon ride. Undeniably uplifting! Or if the weather's bad, make it a romantic train ride. Just be creative.

Nine Ways to Make 2010 Your Year for Love

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 08:08:00 -0800

Did you think that merely tripping the cosmic odometer at the year 2009 would automatically change your life? Do you find yourself single and unattached a year later, believing the planets passed you by? Or, if you're like me, do you merely think it was something you said or maybe something you didn't have the nerve to say that resulted in sharing party favors and caviar with the cat as the laughter of happy couples reverberated throughout the neighborhood at midnight 2010?

In talking with friends of all stripes, sizes, and persuasions who DID find their one and only in the year 2009, I found that like it or not - this last possibility is probably closest to the truth. According to successfully paired couples, what we do and say, and where we chose to do it and say it - make us pretty much masters of our own social fates.
Few of these techniques come naturally. But without exception, these tips work. So, take heart if you follow these steps in 2010, your chances for a love-filled New Millennium will be multiplied dramatically.

1.Do it different. My friend Bill, a psychologist, says people in his profession call this pattern interruption. You intentionally do what you haven't tried in the past. Since what we have been doing hasn't worked, it makes sense. Here's an example: You're a woman used to going to bars and sitting on a stool, but you have yet to meet a great long-term guy this way. Instead, start going to sports events and changing seats and sections continually. The more times you sit next to a new man, the more chances you have of meeting someone who matters.

2.Make contact now. Have you seen those "chance encounters" ads where people saw someone they almost spoke to, and now advertise to make real contact? My workout partner has written eight of them. If he had just spoken to just one at that moment their eyes met, he'd have a lover. Take a lesson from the people you've liked who spoke to you first it probably didn't matter what they said, but if they hadn't said anything, you might never have met.

3.Talk to everyone and say anything. Do you go mute on a first date, despite friends observations that you're the best conversationalist they know? This sort of pressure-laden silence when it counts is pretty common. Even Jill, a Toastmasters regular, used to freeze up on her first and second dates. For her, the solution was to practice talking to anyone about anything and to always begin with an open-ended question that demanded more than a simple yes or no.

4.Where no man has gone before. Okay, just why did Star Trek's Starship Enterprise head out to the vast unknown repeatedly? For the same reason the chicken went to the other side of the road it held greater promise. That's our search job too. The best of these opportunities may be in the electronic arena. Online dating is huge, with millions of participants all over the world just dying for a date. My neighbor Bettina, who works out of her apartment as a writer, rarely meets people in person, but she found her new husband a consultant who also works from a home office - through . Online Dating Site

5.Smile big-time. This is a tough one, because you don't want to come off as having the insincerity of a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, and because the risk of rejection is virtually instantaneous. But a great smile has enormous drawing power. "Believe it or not, I actually practice smiling," says dating expert Jill. "Sure, you feel dumb at first, but if we can practice golf swings, why not hone something that helps us connect with someone we really want to meet?"

6.Get involved and ignore the outcome. When we enjoy the present moment, we're at our best and most open and accessible. If we worry about how we're going to raise the kids after the second date, we've let the improbably possible future impede on our present happiness.

7.Go where the boys are or the girls. If you're a guy, watching basketball games can constitute a terrific night out with the boys. "But it sure as heck ain't where the gals are," says my buddy Eddie, who lives in rural Kansas. "When I go into town, which is about an hour's drive, I have a list of church dances, women's sporting events, art exhibits and anything else where there are women. I can watch basketball on T.V. by myself anytime. But if I'm heading out alone, I want to maximize my chances of being seen, and that means going where there are plenty of gals ' and not a lot of guys."

8.Know when to hold. An old high school friend of mine had been an unhappily single Las Vegas blackjack dealer for nine years. "I finally took a lesson from a professional card player," he confided. "The last time I was dealt a really good hand, I decided to hold pat and pass on more dating until I had a chance to really explore who she was. Now, six months later, I'm engaged, because I took the time to concentrate on one."

9.Know when to fold. Nothing is worse than a relationship in which almost everything is great ' except the 10% that is either inexplicable or impossible to accept. I know ' I just went through one. On the surface she was my archetypal Wonder Woman. But for three months, I ignored what wouldn't work. I should have paid attention earlier, when she said she had never, ever, in her 38 years, told a man she loved him. With her seemingly unable to reveal emotions, and me wanting to hear them, I should have folded politely after the first 30 days.

Love Letters

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 12:36:00 -0800

"At midnight, it happened, Ruddy proposed marriage to me, in front of all the people that I love and that are important in my life."
A new Love Letter
from the week of
February 5, 2009

My name is Rosa and I live in Chicago. About a year and a half to two years ago, I posted a 7 day membership trial ad through online dating site. I posted it not expecting any sort of response. Throughout the time the ad was on your site, I did get numerous responses. To be totally honest, I was so busy I didn’t respond to very many. So after a couple of weeks, I stopped getting responses and as the time progressed, I totally forgot about the ad and went about my life. Then one night in late July 2008, I was checking my email and in my inbox, I saw a response from someone from dating site. I decided to read through it and in the email he had included his personal email address. I decided to write back and I attached a photo of myself. Within 20 minutes or so, I received another response from him (Ruddy) and in that response, he included his phone number. I responded again that night and sent him my pager number and told him that he could page me anytime the next day.

Well the next day he paged me and I called him back. On Friday, August 4, we met in person. When we met, we talked for five hours straight. We hit it off right away.

The more we talked and the more we shared, the more I felt this was something very unique, somewhat like a fairy tale. Ruddy and I come from the same ethnic background and have many things in common. Our personalities are so similar and we get along so great. After that evening, we spent every single day together. December came around and I had a trip planned with a friend of mine. I was gone for 12 days, but maintained communication with Ruddy every day.

Even though I knew how special he was in my life and how much I loved him, this trip truly made me realize how true that was. I missed him so much and couldn't wait to come back home. I came home on December 24th and he was waiting for me at the airport with my brothers. Everyone was over at the house celebrating Christmas Eve. At midnight, it happened, Ruddy proposed marriage to me, in front of all the people that I love and that are important in my life. The way I felt at that moment was magical. I felt that Ruddy and I were the only two in the room and I was taken by the look in his eyes and how sincere he was, as he told me how much he loves me. The answer was obvious, I said yes.

We set the date for June 2009 and the planning process has begun. I have never been so happy in life and my soul has never been as complete as it is right now. We are very much looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together. I feel that his presence in my life was a blessing and I thank God and Match.com for bringing him into my life. We both want to thank Match.com for making our dream of meeting our soul mate a reality.

"Things are as good as I ever hoped they’d be."
A new Love Letter
from the week of
January 29, 2008:

Jennifer and I met on line in May of 2007 after responding to each other’s profiles on. She is a Licensed Practical Nurse and I am employed as a customer service representative for a major security company. After emailing each other for several months, we agreed to meet finally in October so we did. We met at Disney World in Orlando, Florida for one weekend and had a fantastic time! After seeing each other long distance for a month or so, we both agreed to take our relationship further so I relocated to where she lives and we now live together. We are both going to school to pursue advancement in our respective fields and we are also looking towards our futures together. Things are as good as I ever hoped they’d be. We are very happy together! We are both very committed to each other and to me that is the key ingredient in any successful relationship, no matter how you meet!

Sincerely,
Brad and Jennifer

Have you got a love letter to share? Tell us about it!
Go into detail if you like, or keep it short and sweet. Whether it’s love at first sight, a recent engagement, or a walk down the aisle… tell everyone your tale...

Tell İt To Nimeot

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 11:20:00 -0800

This column intimately
explorescommunication issues
about love, sex, and dating with
the help of relationship expert
Anne Nimeot Durque

Dear Nimeot,
I have been separated from my ex, for about 14 months. The first six months I lived alone and did not date at all. Since then I've dated four women. Number four has knocked me for a loop. I've never had such strong feelings, nor have I been able to express myself to anyone like this before. There's only one problem. She only wants to see me once a week, and does not want to make any plans until her sixteen year old son finishes high school. I'm forty-six years old, and my mate is fifty. We're not getting any younger. What do you think?
Stuck in the Slow Lane
Dear Stuck,
Have you ever noticed how quickly the world flashes by in the fast lane? It's all a blur and we are very removed from it. I suppose we get to some destination with more efficiency with our pedals to the metal, but it seems like life's journey and the sometimes fantastic scenery along the way become lost to us as a result of our rushing.
You found someone special, perhaps your soul mate, and her life isn't entirely her own right now. She's a mom to a teenager who still needs her to help him make good decisions, define his options and to love him like moms love their boys. She herself needs to be good and decent and to live up to her responsibilities as a mom. Frankly, a woman who is steadfast in her commitment to her responsibilities, even when this comes at some personal sacrifice, is a great catch in my book.
Wait her out. Over the next two years you'll have one hundred and four days with her, which is noting to complain about. And you'll earn her trust and admiration as you honor what is clearly very meaningful to her.

Dear Nimeot,
What should one do when on the second 'date' the person says that since she likes you she tells you that she lied about her age in her online profile? On the fifth date she says she over stated her salary and educational background. These facts in themselves are not meaningful, but her profile says she is honest, looking for an honest partner, etc. Isn't this sort of a waste of time, lying on the profile? I know it is a big turnoff as far as I am concerned.
Dating Ms. Pants on Fire

Dear Dating Ms. Pants on Fire,
This is a big, loudly flapping in the winds of romance, red flag, and you should act accordingly. It's hard to tell the truth, but many of us do it anyway, and we accept the consequences or our honesty. In the world of online dating, where your words are everything we know and believe about you, honesty is incredibly important. While some people feel it's OK to shave a few years, or a few pounds off of your physical description, or to add a few inches to your height, you and I both know this is wrong.
People who lie in order to achieve their desires may make a habit of this behavior. So today it's age and education, and tomorrow it's about fidelity in your marriage. Someone who can significantly misrepresent herself and in the same breath can affirm her commitment to honesty and her desire to find a like-minded partner, is someone on a serious disconnect with herself, her behavior and it's impact on others.
Doesn't sound like good girlfriend material to me, not unless you are a certified polygraph operator. Tell her the cold, honest truth my friend.

Dear Nimeot,
I'm a single father raising two boys ages 8 and 11 on my own. I have found that women run when they find out. I'm an honest type of person. I tell them up front so there can be no surprises. Not looking for a mother for them, just someone for me to spend time with. I'm sort of shy to boot, and have been married almost all of my adult life. How or what do I need to do to meet that special someone in my life? I'm tired of being alone.
Full Time Dad - Zero Time Lover

Dear Full Time Dad,
First of all, you aren't alone. You've got two incredible sons who adore you and look to you for love and guidance. And because of this you don't want to worry about, or waste your time with women who don't honor your kids, even if you aren't searching for a new mom for them. To date a man with children requires a certain level of maturity, as kids must and do come first in a parent's life.
One of the great attributes of online dating is the ability to filter one's search, often including criteria about one's desire to have children. Start looking for women who either have children of their own, or have indicated that they are interested in dating men with children. This way your status as a parent won't scare them away and the two of you may end up with a lot more in common. There are plenty of women out there who match this profile. Happy hunting.

Dear Nimeot,
I was surfing the web and saw your spot, so I decided that maybe you could advise me. I'm only 21, but I have been chatting with the same bloke for about 5 years now. He only lives an hour away from me and we have never met. We flirt a lot, but when we do decide to meet up we chicken out, as we think it will spoil things between us, What do you think?
Five Lonely Years

Dear Five,
I think one of you has something to hide, and since it's not you, it's probably him. If you're in the market for more than a cyber pal, five years is far too long to wait someone out. You're flirting on a regular basis and have a long-standing interaction online. Why do you think a face-to-face date will spoil this friendship? It should only get better.
If you're happy spending your nights and weekend in chat rooms and exchanging emails with a mystery man, then continue on this path. If you want a real relationship, you'll either need to push for a meeting with him, and refuse to take no for an answer, or move on to a man who wants to be much more than another virtual player in your life.

Something on your mind? nimet1976@gmail.com. Questions that best represent Online Dating Magazine member experiences will be selected. Look for your answer here.

Ask Mahmoud

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 10:19:00 -0800

Mahmoud Ramadan

shoots straight

from the hip about

love and life.

Dear Mahmoud:

I am in love with a very good friend of mine. I have known him for three years, and I find myself falling deeper and deeper. I can't tell if he only sees me as a friend, but I don't want to risk getting rejected if I decide to tell him how I feel. However, keeping it to myself is killing me. I am so scared of losing him and the friendship. I don't know what I should do.

Help!

Dear Help:

Don't let your love juices curdle with frustration—find out whether your feelings are returned. Keep it light, and do it on the phone or via e-mail so he can't see your beseeching eyes or the sweat dripping off your brow. Try a statement that suggests your feelings rather than declaring them, like, "A friend of mine just started dating this guy she'd been friends with for five years. Isn't that unusual? Has that kind of thing ever crossed your mind with, like, me or any of your other friends?" Or, "I had this funny dream last night that you and I were dating." It's a little corny, but it does give him enough of a lead-in to reveal the nature of his feelings without throwing the friendship into a crisis. If he responds negatively, or says something non-committal and then changes the subject, you should let the matter drop. Then, start spending some of the time you reserve for your buddy with men who see you in a more romantic light.

Dear Mahmoud,

Tim and I talked on the net for nearly eight months, just as friends. Recently we both had birthdays, and he drove up (he's two hours away) to take me out for a birthday dinner. When he walked in the door, he was far cuter than the tiny picture I had seen of him, and we hit it off famously. Within an hour we were holding hands and the conversation was never-ending! We went to dinner, a movie, acting like teens even though we are both 43, and then drove around talking...everything was so perfect! He decided to "get a room" since it was such a late hour; 9 hours had passed since he had walked through my door. He came out of the motel, and said, "I don't want to hurt you, but I can't do a long-distance relationship." Well you could have knocked me over with a feather. Some things were said, and some things left unsaid, but I don't know how to react to him with so many questions on my mind. He didn't call before he left town in the morning, and I've heard little from him. What do I do with all my mixed-up feelings?

Confused

Dear Confused:

The problem with chatting on the net is that people often imagine a kind of intimacy that falls apart when tested in the "real world." You may have spent eight months punching away at the keyboard, but none of it mattered when you saw each other face to face—so many kinds of communication are nonverbal. Two hours' drive does not really qualify as a long-distance romance, so I suspect your friend objected to something other than the fact that the two of you live a few freeways apart. Certainly you got on well, and there was enough chemistry to sustain a minor flirtation on his part, but clearly everything was not as "perfect" for him as it was for you. Whatever his reasons may be, after only one date he has no obligation to articulate them, and you must accept his decision without a fuss. The next time you develop an online friendship, you should arrange to meet the man in the flesh long before there’s a chance for personal expectations to arise.

Dear Mahmoud,

My husband of seven years and I are separating. We have no children. He completely moved out about four months ago, leaving me alone in a big empty house. I would like to know if it is OK for me to correspond with other men. My husband is not ready to file for divorce; he needs more time to reassess his life. I'm 36 years old, from a very big family, and would like to have a big family of my own someday.

Desire for a Big Family

Dear Desire:

The minute your husband moved out of the house in order to "reassess his life," you became entitled to do whatever you need in order to reassess yours, whether that means trolling the chat rooms for male companionship or trolling the waterfront for drunken sailors. After all, if one of your goals is a large family you certainly don't want to put your plans on hold while he sorts out an open-ended identity crisis. So if it's permission you're seeking, you've got mine. You don't need share all the gory details of your "single" adventures with your husband, but if he asks, let him know the gist of the situation. Sadly, it can sometimes take the realization that our loved ones are desirable to others for us to stop taking them for granted.