1. facebook your date
If you’re a member on Facebook you can ask your target via here. A good way to do it would be to either post a message to them. You can do this privately, or post it on their “wall”. A simple “fancy going out for a drink?” should do the trick. If they ignore it you know the answer.
You could also speak to them on chat. Just a simple hello, how you doing conversation should get it going, then pop the question, in the safety of your own home hiding behind your computer screen
One very controversial thing you could do is actually start a group, called “Join this group if you think {your dates name} should go out on a date with me” – you don’t even have to to tell him or her about it or invite him or her to the group, once it gains some momentum he or she will hear about it, and get in contact with you… and at this stage I can’t tell you whether they’ll be pleased or angry. It’s all good fun at least?

2. Hit them up on MSN messenger LMAO
Ahh.. the old classic. Instant messenger. If you have their instant messenger id you can add them and start a conversation with them, and tell them you should go on a date together. If they don’t reply you can always use msn messengers built in “nudge” feature, which can get rather annoying, but he or she won’t be that annoyed with you… will they?
For those of you that want to mix it up a bit you can use certain animations. A lot of the messengers have them built in and are very similar to one another, but the idea is you send an animation, like a bit of a greeting card, to portray a certain message. I’m sure you can be creative and find a few heart and love ones to woo your dream date.

3 skype ‘em
It’s not the same as calling them right? No… that would be too scary. This is an internet phone… Skype…it’s all cool. Get their id and give them a ring. Don’t worry it’s nothing serious, you;re not really calling them… it’s an internet phone remember?
So ring with full confidence, and close the deal of a date with your dream partner

4 ask someone through a dating site
You can always message them through a dating website. That’s if they’re on there… If not, why not ask them to join. There’s loads of dating sites. Recommend it to them, with little or no hint of the intention you have to message them through the dating site.
Fashion your profile, put up your best pictures, and message her as if you’ve never spoke to him or her before If you haven’t ever actually spoken to him or her this will be easy.

5 Tweet Your @dreamdate
Twitter, one of the newer cousins of the whole “social networking revolution”, may be your answer to getting in their with that dream date of yours. Twitter is basically where you follow people and people follow you… and you tell them all about what you are doing or thinking.
You can send “tweets” direct to people on twitter, so my advice is, “tweet” your dream date. You have to put a little @ sign and then their username, then your message. Simple… so for example:
@dreamdate So You Fancy A Drink Sometime?
There you go now you’ve officially tweeted a date. Twitter.com

6 build a website
Now come on, how many people do you know have their own website built especially for them? I don’t know any. Now if someone made you a website all for you, specifically about them going on a date with you, well… you would wouldn’t you?
This is what you’re going to do. You need to go get a free website at blogger or wordpress, and choose the name of the site to be something simple like their name.
Now, without being freaky (not sure how this can’t be freaky) source a load of pictures from them and make a bit of an online shrine, pleading for a date with them. Include ideas for the date, and maybe a little contact form so she can get in touch when she see’s the site and she’s oh so happy with it! It might just work… it might just work.

7 shoot a video and post it on youtube
We’ve all seen those embarassing videos online. Why not shoot your own? Get a flip camera, and shoot a video telling all the reasons why you should both go on a date. Send the video via a link to his or her facebook. I’m sure thy’ll be flattered and not freaked out at all!

The thing is, I adore her. She’s strong, beautiful on the inside and out, and honest. She’s true to herself and others. What could be wrong with that, right?

Everything else.

If there is a more polar opposite couple, please make them known to me now. I would love to hear about them.

She can be a little cold and distant; I’m warm and inviting. She’s conservative; I’m liberal. She works with numbers, and the thought of writing even a simple letter sends her into an anxiety attack. I make a living by writing and can barely balance a checkbook. Her family holds everything in; my family wears their hearts on their sleeve. She takes a while to warm up to people; I makes friends instantly. She likes silence; Music is a part of my soul. She attends church; I am agnostic.

There’s more, but I think I’ve made my point.

How can we be attracted to one another? I don’t know . . . I can only say this one little word . . . Chemistry.

When I get around her, my anxiety melts away, and I can stare into her eyes for hours without effort.

Whenever I mention all of this to friends, they say the same thing.

“Well, you know, sometimes opposites attract.”

Sure, it seems possible, but in my case, is it really?

I also wonder if I didn’t fall for the woman I hoped she would be and not the woman that she is.

I guess it doesn’t really matter because, ultimately I fell for her a little. Now I must walk the long road back from attraction to something different, and I need to make that trip rather quickly.

In the hours following the message, I start to wonder. Will she actually call back? Perhaps I misread the situation…no, couldn’t be. She said I should definitely call her. And she said that she’d love to get together. That must mean she was actually interested. But then, why hasn’t she called back yet? Okay, I know it’s only been thirty minutes, but still.

I try to occupy myself for the next few hours. I wonder what’s going on with my Facebook friends. I wonder why she hasn’t called yet. Distraction clearly doesn’t work. I see her eyes when we parted ways, and I want to see them again. Did I remember to leave my number? Dammit, I hope I did. I know I can’t call again this soon without seeming desperate or needy. Except, apparently, that’s exactly what I am.

I flip open my phone. I do sometimes miss calls due to connection issues, I should just make sure that I didn’t miss hers. Nope. Nothing.

Was that actually her number? Well, that was her voice on the message, so I’m going to say yes. Is she screening her calls, not picking up because it was my number? Argh.

Five hours later, I’m still wondering. It’s 11pm, so chances are that she’s not calling back tonight. Though I did tell her I’d be up late…no, probably not. So I’ll go to bed trying to forget this knot in my stomach and repeat this pattern tomorrow.

Maybe she’ll call back then.

I met my boyfriend, Jason, on plentyoffish.com. I swore to myself it would be the last dating site I would ever join. Since I was still working on my book, and writing about personality types based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), I decided to test myself. I wanted to see if I could find my perfect personality match through a person’s online profile.

Of course, I had to know about personality matching. I had read Dr. Alex Avila’s LoveTypes book. I learned my type, ENTP, aka “The Innovator,” is romantically compatible with ENTJ, aka “The General.”

It’s difficult to order a book, read it, and put it into practice in a matter of a few days. So, I’ll try to give a bared down tip…

• Think about 3 things about your mind/life that are distinct to you compared to other people you know. For example, for me: 1. I dislike set schedules; 2. I love to be silly; 3. I’m very analytical and have to think to know my feelings.
• Next, go to the dating site, and as you peruse people’s profiles, look for things that jump out at you that you think or know would work with you. For example, I know for myself it has always helped me to have someone in my life who was better at living by a schedule than me; so, in that sense I look for my opposite. Plus, since I’m analytical, smart people interest me. Funny, ’cause the initial impression of Jason’s photo was, “This guy is arrogant!” Sure enough, he’s arrogant because he’s smart–and I like him that way.
• When you find something distinct about the person you can relate to, write a message that caters to that distinction without getting too personal. For me, I realized that Jason likes to debate. So, in my first message, I challenged him on his profile’s headline.

  Note: The more attention you pay to details, the more a person senses genuineness. For example, if a girl writes something like, “I love to go out for good food…” Don’t just write, “What kind of food?” Dig deeper. Assume “good food” is the difference between dining on the Baja peninsula and Taco Bell. Instead you could say something like, “Have you been to the Bistro on Main Street?” or whatever; you get the point, I hope.

In the meantime, check out Avila’s LoveTypes book. For a generalization on what that’s about, you can also read Parts IV and V in my AlphaDog book, also available on Kindle.

Good luck!

Post on your Facebook page
This post was inspired by @YouWishYouWere on Twitter.

1. She must be extroverted. If you’ve read my book, you know there’s a difference between having an Extroverted personality type and being outgoing. A good wingwoman might not have an Extroverted personality type, which means she naturally prefers being around people to doing things at home. But if she’s an outgoing Introverted type, she might lose steam as midnight approaches. In that case, some incentives, say, a few Jacksons, might motivate her enough to hang tight with you for that girl you want to meet.

Natural Extroverted personality types get energy from being around people. An incentive like some free food is enough to convince her to hang out with you.

2. She must have social grace. To find this out quickly, talk about a sensitive topic with her, like how women deal with PMS. A seriously defensive girl might be difficult to work with, but a girl who makes light of a “sensitive” subject will be fun. (I don’t think PMS is that sensitive myself, but a lot of women feel strongly about it. Abortion is another topic to test sensitivity.) A girl who makes light of things shouldn’t take winging too seriously, and will be able to make the male-female connection possible with her sense of humor.

3. She must have the ability to charm AND understand guys. A woman who charms a man doesn’t necessarily get along with other women. But a woman who understands what makes a man tick will know how to get on women’s good side. Women want to know about men as much as men want to know about women. So, a wingwoman who can talk frankly about men to other women will win a woman’s approval.

The danger in getting a woman who doesn’t understand why sports are so engaging, for example, will get caught up in girl talk. But a woman who can reason with another woman why a man should be given a chance–she’s platinum.

A good wingwoman doesn’t have to be as attractive as the woman you want to meet. In fact, it might be easier to meet her, since the target woman won’t feel as threatened by her as with a beautiful wing. Though, if your wing is really good with charm, she can do anything, even if she’s drop-dead gorgeous. Likewise, if a woman is plain-looking, she might have the charm that can tame lions.

If you want someone really good, paying a wingwoman with experience something like, say, $30 bucks an hour to start (if you’re in NYC) is reasonable. (I would think San Fran is similar due to rent prices there. LA could probably go to $25.)

Of course, there are other things to consider when seeking a good wingwoman. It really depends on what you’re comfortable with. If you’re a dive bar rat with no charm yourself, and you’re seeking swanky women, even an expert wing can’t help you hook up. A good wingwoman will tell you like it is. If you need to practice speaking naturally around women, there is little a wing can do to help you get where you want to go. She can help you get practice being around women, but don’t expect miracles. But if you’re confident enough, a wingwoman with the above criteria can make your evening a blast.

Thanks to Peter of Gotham Jiujitsu for inspiring this article.

Although this is only my first post, I figured I might as well hit the ground running and potentially piss off a few readers.  This particular subject has bothered me for a while.  Please feel free to comment—I’m curious to know your thoughts when it comes to dating and money.

Ok, here it is.  

Some of you guys are totally cheap.  You know who you are. 

I’m a fair and equal girl.  When I am asked out on a date, I do offer to pay for dinner, drinks, whatever.  I know that many members of my gender feel that the guy should pay, especially when he is the one extending the invitation, but I’m all about fair and balanced.  Not in a Fox News way, though.

But I am continually surprised by the guys who practically leap out of their chairs to grab my credit card.  I may offer to pay, but you, as gentlemen, should tell me no.  I know we are in tough economic times, but if you have no money, don’t ask a girl out to dinner.  Take a picnic to a park, or invite her to go for a bike ride.  In other words, do something cheap.  Don’t act as though you’ve gotten a get out of jail free card when she hands you some cash to cover the meal.

And for you girls who never pay, you’ve got some apologizing to do.  Guys feel burnt after paying a bunch of money for your dinners, flowers, and jewelry with nothing in return, only to be dumped when things get too serious.  Then they feel all girls owe them.  That’s where my credit card comes in.

So girls, offer to pay for dinner sometimes, or treat your date to drinks or a home-cooked meal. And guys, treat a girl when you ask her out.  Money is a touchy subject for everyone.  Let’s reciprocate.

Think about what’s going through your mind when considering an approach. It probably goes something like this (edited for cleanliness, of course): “Wow, she’s really cute. I’d love to date a girl like that. What could I possibly say to her to not make a fool of myself?” The key points here are that you find her attractive and you want to talk to her. And yes, I’m sure you want to do more than talk to her, but let’s keep it simple for now.

There’s no reason you can’t approach her and simply say, “Excuse me, I think you’re really cute and I really wanted to meet you.” Did your heart just jump up into your throat? That’s a completely normal reaction. As guys, we’re not used to openly expressing our intent, mostly due to tomes of pickup advice telling us not to indicate any interest. The truth is that most girls will appreciate the compliment and likely will talk to you for a bit.

Note that I didn’t say all girls; there is no silver bullet when it comes to meeting girls. The good news is that it actually gets easier as the age of the girl increases. Girls in high school and college may or may not respond favorably to such a bold approach, I’d give it a 50/50 shot. Girls that are 25 years old or older are more likely to respond favorably to a sincere compliment and a kind gesture as they are more comfortable with themselves and less likely to want to play games. Think of it in reverse, how would you feel if a girl walked up to you and said you were cute? It would feel pretty good, right?

If you like playing games, then by all means, play them. If you don’t, then why not try the direct approach?

The time at which most relationships dissolve is when someone wants more from the relationship than the other. At the beginning, there’s no expectations aside from having some fun. The first three months of a relationship, typically called the honeymoon period, are marked by periods of intense change. You go from the norm into an ever-escalating series of changes. It starts by introducing this person into your weekly schedule…date night. Each date is new and exciting, and you learn more and more about the other person. It’s all magical because it’s all new and you have no idea what’s coming next. You’re happy. Or at least you think you are. Things are changing very quickly and it rapid succession.

After the honeymoon period passes, there’s an inevitable letdown. What previously was new and exciting has turned to ordinary and routine. That’s why so few relationships make it past this point. For many, this is the time when one or both start to feel there’s something missing. The relationship has been fun, but now that you’re a part of each other’s lives and the chemical reaction of new love has passed, it seems like something’s just not right. There has to be more to this relationship.

By this point, if you’re still together, discussions about “the future” start to pop up. What’s the next step? Seeing each other more frequently? Maybe moving in? Something has to change otherwise the relationship is over. And so you take whatever this next step is and things are good. For a while. And then they’re not.

The longer you’re together, the more frequently this pattern presents itself. Seeing each other more often. Spending more time at each other’s places. Moving in. Getting a pet. Engagement. Marriage. Kids. At each step of the way, you decide that you want more out of the relationship. If your partner also wants more, then things continue on. If, however, you both don’t want more then the relationship is doomed to failure.

People blame failed relationships on a lot of things, but most of the time it usually comes down to one partner wanting more than the other out of the relationship. So be careful when you make pushes for more out of a relationship or you may find yourself needing to start over from square one.

Like all liaisons, my flirtation started innocently enough: A playful trading of numbers during a shared lunch break (we both  happened to adore Baja Fresh) to see who could text whom faster.  We worked in a rather large chain bookstore in Santa Monica, and let me tell you– us booksellers are nerdy and bored, bored people.  We found the simplest of things amusing.   How was I to know that a simple G-rated text such as “Hi I can text faster than you” would, a week later, lead to the soft-core porn of “I want to bend you over and fuck you hard”?  (Imagine getting this message while driving away from an eight-hour work day and you can see that the thrill of a text message liaison can, at times, far out do the thrill of a real affair—danger involved alone.)

After all, I only texted the guy.  In our era of avoidance, text messaging is the ultimate vehicle for communication and evasion.   Hell, it’s even safer than instant messaging online.  With the internet being people’s second homes, getting someone’s screen-name involves a near knowledge or trust of the person.  Screenname means friendship… or the possibility of one.  (You could, after all, block the person or always have an away message up.)  And don’t even get me started on Facebook… once you are Facebook friends with someone they might as well be one of your drinking buddies, unless you are really diligent about what particular photos you display.  Today, nearly everyone has a cell phone.  Giving out your cell number is no biggie.  And neither is texting.  It’s just another part of our obsession with communication without really communicating.

The beauty and secret lure of the text message is that you never have to acknowledge it.  Coworker and I could be working the same shift, texting one another the most flirtatious (later, dirty) of sentences and act perfectly natural around one another.  This was a reticent rule.  The text message world we visited outside of work could never be visited while we habited our bookstore or were within view of one another.   This way, we never, ever had to face up to what we were doing.  Our cellular connection took us to a world without consequences.

For a time.

Like the liaison itself, the breaking of the rules also started relatively innocently.  One night, as I lay down under faded purple plaid sheets dressed in my favorite college-days pajamas (an over-sized Winnie the Poo nightshirt) my cell made the familiar gurgle of exclamation that had already started to bring a smile on my face.  I knew who it would be.  Secretly I checked my suggestive text, and there was Coworker’s newest and latest “Long and hard or soft and gentle?”  I giggled and looked around, ashamed.  I didn’t tal like that, not with anyone else.  (And certainly not since.)  Yet, as my blush lessened, I suddenly felt free… wild.  Nobody could see!  Nobody could hear.  The only mood music was my roommate’s breathing.  With a sly grin, I texted him back.  We proceeded to have the strangest version of phone sex I have ever had.  My thumbs had calluses.

The next day, a customer wearing a bikini top came in and asked for a book on anal sex. (No.)  Coworker was stacking the ever-popular Men Are From Mars books near me.  I looked up and caught Coworker’s eye.  He winked.  I blushed.  We connected.

And suddenly our connection wasn’t so technological anymore.

Swiftly, a text message about how we should copulate standing up would come to mind when a customer told me they couldn’t reach a book in the C++ section.   Coworker started to bend the unspoken (and even un-texted) rule by texting me about how cute I looked in my skirt.  Pleased, I replied that he looked cute in his metrosexual way—he is still the only man I know who can pull off pink and tight jeans.

Yet our flirtation brought with its fling and fantasy, a problem.  The more we texted, the more we flirted, the more I liked Coworker.  It had started to become something other than sexual, something other than cellular.

I took the ever-bending line of our decorum and straight up broke it about a month in when I texted Coworker about something non-sexual while working.  I asked him about his ex-girlfriend with whom he had a dinner date that night after work.  Coworker was wearing a nice green plaid shirt; he looked good.  I didn’t want to admit it, but I was jealous.

While text messaging is just a bunch of letters showing up on your cell phone screen, the words can convey emotions.  I could feel the shock in his in reply to my text “Nervous about dinner tonight?”  Where was the sexual innuendo (“I’d do you for dinner” for example)?  Where was the flirtation?  This sounded needy.  This sounded…

Real.

“A little,” he replied.  “Surprised you asked.”

I opened a Dummies Guide To BBQ and hid my cell phone between recipes for grilling sauce as I replied, “Just interested.  Curious.”  I paused, watched as a customer across the store chose a book on Labradors.  “Do you still like her?”  I bit my lips and hit send.  My heart was beating as I put the Dummies book back in its place, and hid my cell back in my nametag.  The thrill of the forbidden (cell phones on the floor are a strict no-no) was overcome by the worry as to his reply.

My phone buzzed.  “Maybe.”  A few seconds later, just as I could feel a customer approaching (we develop a second sense for you guys):  “Yes.”

Suddenly, text messaging wasn’t so thrilling anymore.  It was painful.  Just like a real crush.  Holding back tears, I helped a nervous old lady who smelled like bad fish find Angelina Ballerina for her six-year-old granddaughter.  I then proceeded to lock myself in the backroom closet and cry.  Somehow, even through the barrier of wires and screens and bad connections, my heart had still managed to get hurt.

The next night a group of us went out to a late night dinner at Denny’s.  Coworker and I did not—could not—look one another in the eye.  I spent most of the time being passive aggressive and ignoring him.  He spent most of the time hitting on a lesbian in front of her girlfriend.  Both of us engaged in futile efforts of fun rather than facing the predicament: my obvious upset.

There is constant talk in our media today about how the internet requires new laws to control the freedom of communication it promotes—freedom of speech, freedom of downloading, freedom of porn, whatever.  But the internet, while breaking boundaries, can also create them.  Its wires can tangle up a heart just as easily as any “maybe I’ll call” from a guy or a wink from that foxy lady down the street.  When is that ever brought up?  We don’t discuss, not seriously, at least, how the medium of electronic media—be it my cell phone or even the internet—affects day to day human interaction.  Sure, we joke at a party that we spend more time on AIM than we do doing homework, we brag to our gal pals about how we Facebook stalked whatever cute guy caught our fancy and made the mistake of telling us his last name, or the casual study is released on CNN about how children need to spend more time in the park than watching the boob tube.  But what about us adults and our relationships?  Online dating is becoming more and more popular.  One of my friends is now living with a woman he met on Ok Cupid; and I now know two married couples who met on eHarmony.  So while technology has certainly helped the lonely and more socially inept, I do believe it can cause a whole new form of awkwardness.  Nobody “talks on the phone” anymore, none of us use up our minutes.  Now when we sign up for phone plans what matters is not unlimited daytime minutes, but unlimited texts.  And I know now that I am not the only one who flirts, dear heavens, conducts full blown relationship communication, with her cell.

And there’s the catch.  In the end, reality hits.  Sure, kids spend “too much time” watching television or playing with their Wii or whatnot.  But they are, thank God (or Zeus or whomever), forced to eventually go to school, grow up, talk to fellow geeks (and I write that with love).  I was—and so was Coworker—eventually forced to have real human interaction and feelings.  What the digital media does is simply put it off for a while.  But not forever.  In the end, pesky human need and curiosity always peeks over the fence, reaching through the wires and over the keyboard for a fellow human hand.

She looked at me with such sadness in her eyes. We had just met, but the feeling was hard to shake. She really, really wanted me to stay.

“No,” she muttered, “stay!”

She grabbed my hand with a grip only taught by kung-fu masters. I reconsidered my position…do I really have to go? Maybe I should just stay a little while longer and keep her company. Yesterday I didn’t know her and today this decision is tearing at my soul.

I pried her hand off of mine and assured her everything would be okay. And then I left, feeling guilty but empowered.

The crazy thing about the whole situation is that I had no romantic interest in her at all. In fact, this wasn’t even a girl, it was a little boy all of two years old. I had been seduced.

Children are masters at seduction. It makes sense, of course, since they can’t do anything for themselves. Seduction is their survival mechanism, the means by which they attain food, shelter, and protection in a world that they are not yet physically or psychologically prepared to face alone. I used to joke with my friends that God made babies so cute so you wouldn’t want to kill them when they misbehave. Somewhere deep down, kids know this all too well.

Seduction has very little to do with romance or love, and everything to do with capturing the mind of someone else to achieve your own goals. Watch young children at play. Pay attention as they interact with adults from whom they want something. The manipulation is brilliant. There’s a very common pattern most kids have down:

1. They’re too damn adorable, and that compels you to approach them.
2. You try to get their attention through the usual means: stuffed animals, food, and toys.
3. The child acts shy at first, not sure who you are.
4. You try again, calling him or her by name.
5. The child starts to warm up to you, accepting whatever you give them.
6. The child is now comfortable enough to start requesting things. He/she will point to get you to fetch, cry to indicate displeasure that prompts you to act, etc.
7. When the child is done with you, he or she simply walks (or crawls) away, looking for someone else to fulfill their needs. You feel a sense of loss and want them to come back.

I’ve seen this same pattern play out over and over again, it’s absolutely fascinating. How can children be so good at seduction when they can barely speak? It’s actually quite simple.

Young children don’t plan their actions in advance. They are natural Buddhists, living completely in the now. All they care about is what is going to make them happy right now. They know what it is and take every step to get it. You are but a pawn in their chess game to attain what they really want. The child wants a specific outcome and you are simply the means of achieving it. He or she has no vested interest in you, making you happy, or fulfilling your needs, and they are unapologetic about that. This is what makes them so seductive: they know what they want and how to get it, and they’ll do whatever it takes with complete indifference to other people.

Even though we think of children as physically needy, psychologically they are not. It’s psychological neediness that drives people away. “I don’t want someone I need to take care of,” they’ll say. And yet, these same people will bend over backwards to make a small child stop crying. Why is that? Because it appears that the child isn’t asking to be catered to. The child is reacting in the moment to his or her displeasure. You are deciding to intervene because you don’t like the scene, but the child doesn’t need you to do anything.

There are many lessons to be learned from young children when it comes to seduction. You make yourself more seductive by being unapologetic in your pursuit of a woman. I want you and therefore I’m going to go all-out, and I really don’t care how big of a fool I make myself out to be or who I hurt as long as I get you. It may not be a way to win friends, but it is the way to seduce someone.

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