Dave Earle

How Your Life Choices Define You | Dave Earle | TEDxBanbury

2020-06-10T04:04:00.001-07:00

How Your Life Choices Define You | Dave Earle | TEDxBanbury

2020-06-10T04:03:00.001-07:00

Father Teaches Son Old School Boxing Lesson

2015-08-21T04:55:00.001-07:00

Tell Them

2014-06-20T08:48:00.004-07:00

Tell Them

Tell them I love them tell them I care

Tell them I always want to be there

Tell them I miss them and want to play

Tell them I hate this being away

I miss the cuddles and playing the fool

I miss the picking them up from school

Tell them I hate this being apart

And how much it breaks my heart

Tell them I’m crying real tears

And I feel it will go on for years

Tell them of the tears in my eyes

Every time I say goodbye

And as I cry for many miles

As I think of their smiles

Because I am not sure when

I will see them again

Yeah tell them I am a really nice man

Of that I am sure you can

Tell them that you still care

But it is better without me there

And there was nothing that I could do

As the decision was down to you

I am sorry if I am sounding sour

But I am writing at a late hour

And I am lying on my bed alone

When I’d rather be at home

But I don’t have a home

And I’m feeling very sad

Because I have just lost everything I had

I just have some photo’s

hanging on my wall

and that’s not enough

Not enough at all

2014-06-05T08:21:00.006-07:00

This poem represents much of where I feel many things start to go wrong in the lives of children. This can be where insecurities, self-doubt and many social disorders are formed. I had this put up at a primary school in Banbury many years ago

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School Days

At school children criticise the short, the fat the thin

And don’t take time to realise the feelings some have within

It is easy to compliment instead of causing pain

And this will help their confidence when they’re at school again

So no matter what colour, shape or size, or if its glasses that they wear

Make it a school exercise to show someone you care

Dave Earle

2014-06-05T07:10:00.002-07:00

I wrote it I was thinking about a family whose children were suffering due their quarreling parents.

Tears on their pillows

Who is to blame for the hurt and the pain

What do our children have to gain

How much pain to a tender heart

When things start to fall apart

Tears on their pillows as the light goes out

Pain in their hearts as you begin to shout

It’s how they feel but you fail to see

Only you can end their misery

Children have eyes with which they see

But don’t understand how it’s meant to be

When they grow up they may be the same

And keep on playing your selfish game

Get on or move on put things right

Don’t let your children see you fight

Let your children enjoy their youth

Talk together and face the truth

Can you see the pain they feel inside

Can you see what they’re trying to hide

Or their tears as they cry alone in their beds

Do you get the hint when their eyes are red

Put your hand on your heart and go on to say

This is how we want things to stay

Ask your selves are you being fair

Is this right do we really care

Tears on their pillows as the light goes out

Pain in their hearts as you begin to shout

It’s how they feel but you fail to see

Only you can end their misery

Dave Earle

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Kate Winslet?

2014-05-14T09:33:00.001-07:00

.... I asked her what the nature of the talk would be and she explained that it was to inspire the children as they were all close to leaving school. Of course I was delighted to have the opportunity and agreed and asked when it was. She told me it was on that same evening, giving me little time to prepare. But, having conducted a couple of talks to the local college I was reasonably confident that I could deliver an inspiring talk. So just a few hours later I arrived at the Mill Arts Centre with a handful of notes that I had scribbled down whilst at the gym ready to perform. On arriving I was told that a former pupil of the school was to conduct a talk about his life after leaving school and how he was now living in Australia and had become a successful actor. I was asked to sit just out of view of the students so was able to listen to the former students talk and take my queue for when I was to start my talk. The more I listened to the young man the more I was inspired by his story as he delivered a very good speech. Having never met anyone in the auditorium before, not even the teachers, I was a little nervous on how I would be received. Every talk I had conducted before that day was at local schools and colleges where I had always known the people who invited me along. I had also always known many of the students and knew that most, if not all of them knew me. I did feel I knew my subject matter well enough to be able to perform the talk well enough to inspire the students but still standing on a stage at a theatre was a new experience and the nerves were creeping up on me. Fortunately for me the principle at the school had done his homework, I guess through the internet, on me and gave me the perfect introduction highlighting everything I had achieved and how my journey had brought me to the stage on that particular day. By the time I got to the stage I was almost totally relaxed. My talks are mainly story based and fortunately many of the students were familiar with some of the local characters in my stories. At the end of the talk I assisted the award ceremony and presented certificates to each and every student in the theatre. The time seemed to fly by and after the talk I had some positive feedback from the students and teachers. The following day I was approached by a man I knew who had heard about my talk to the pupils of the Sibford School. He approached me and asked me how it felt standing in for the actress Kate Winslet. I was unsure what he was referring to so I gave him a look that said “what are you talking about and assumed he must have had a few too many drinks?” He then asked me if I had just conducted a talk for the Quaker School at The Mill Art’s Centre and explained that Kate Winslet was due to carry out the talk as two of her children attended the school but she couldn’t attend, which explained why I was called in with only a few hours’ notice. Although I never did get to meet Kate Winslet, knowing I was standing in for her did give me a great deal of pleasure.

Other people I never felt I would be able to associate with myself when writing a book were the Queen and Prince Phillip

Book Title

2014-01-27T07:45:00.002-08:00

The release of my book which is largely based on this blog is imminent. I am yet to choose a title. The book highlights how where we begin does not have to determine our journey through life. There are stories within the book that show how certain choices have lead to the death of good friends and also to unimaginable success of others. Much of the book uses boxing as a 'backdrop' to the stories and it also takes you on a journey through my life and how I struggled with my identity, confidence and my education. It also shows how I came to be a boxing and kickboxing champion', started my own business, become an Olympic torchbearer and surprisingly a town councillor. I thrive on changing lives and this what I would like the book to do At the moment the book is called 'Choices That Determine Our Journey' Can you think of a better title based on the information above?

Another taster from the book

2013-12-03T03:14:00.000-08:00

Most successful people like to think they are self-made and are proud to say “I did this on my own”. I don’t believe anyone makes it alone. I consider myself as reasonably successful; not financially but personally. The blurb on the cover of this book shows I have achieved possibly more than was expected from me. I could even be seen as an over-achiever. But I didn't achieve anything on my own and am happy to thank everyone who has helped me and those who are still assisting me to achieve what I have accomplished and go on to accomplish. This book includes stories from various people I have met and will show how their opinions of success have changed over the years. What I am hoping to achieve like in the best-selling book ‘The Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho, is that success and happiness is far closer and easier to find than you can possibly realise. Much of what I have written is from my own life experiences and reflects what I have learnt, and a lot of what I have written is taken from the experiences of others. The book is largely story based, and will show a variation of stories from many people I knew before embarking on writing this book, people I have met since, and also people I have researched. Sadly some of the people within these pages are no longer with us, and even more sadly, these represent the people I most wanted the book to help.

The making of a boxer

2013-11-26T03:52:00.000-08:00

When I joined the Bell Green boxing club as a ten year old I was confident because of what I was taught by my dad. I was convinced that I was born to be a boxer. I believed that boxing ran in the family and my destiny was predicted though genetics. I knew my dad had been a professional boxer, at 10 years old I thought everybody in the world knew my dad was a boxer. He had told me that he had beaten an Irish boxer called Pat Stapleton (stopping him in 6 rounds) who was, at the time, ranked ninth in the world and fifth in the British Empire. He also told me he had knocked out a famous boxer in sparring called Henry Cooper, and beat Henry Cooper’s twin brother George in 2 rounds. As a child I believed everything he said and now with the advent of Google I can confirm he did beat the undefeated Pat Stapleton in 6 rounds at Tolka Park, Dublin in Ireland and Henry’s brother George Cooper at the City Hall in Hull in two rounds. He also told me that he was too tired to continue in one fight, so decided to knee his opponent in the groin. Taking all these facts into consideration I decided that if I didn’t party like my dad did and trained harder I could become a world champion. He also told me that after each win he would party wildly which explains his fight record of 21 fights 9 wins 8 by knockout 10 losses 7 by knockout and two disqualifications. I figured that, by all appearances at least, I was black, although I did have my mother’s white blood running through my veins, and most world champions at the time were black. In fact all the top heavyweights at the time were black. Muhammed Ali, Ken Norton, Joe Frazier and George Foreman were top of the tree for more than a decade. All undisputed heavyweight world champions in my lifetime had been black. It seemed to me that the only way forward as a young mixed race boy was sport and in particular boxing.

My first attempt at boxing came as a 10 year old. At the time I was living in Wood End with my father and two sisters. Wood End like the neighbouring Bell Green was a council estate and the boxing club was like a sanctuary for kids who used boxing to keep them out of trouble. I have to admit that the thought of going to a boxing club aged 10 was exciting but at the same time a daunting experience. The short walk to the boxing club was across an unlit open field. We were always told to walk using the pavements, but being kids we always walked the shortest route. If I was alone I would take the longer safer route but when you are with your mates you need to show them you are not scared. It wasn’t so much the dark I was scared of but the stray dogs that would be barking as they heard us crossing the field. Coming out of the darkness into the Bell Green’s shopping area was both a relief and also a different type fear. The worry of the stray dogs would be replaced by the concern of walking through gangs of older kids hanging outside the shops who would occasionally tease us.. Bell Green ABC was in a room above Bell Green Working Men’s Club. The first time we went there we walked through the bar, as we were unaware that we should have used the Steel fire escape at the rear of the building that would have taken us to the first floor where the boxing club was. I remember the stench of pipe tobacco, beer and sweaty old men. Back in the early 70’s you would rarely see women at such establishments. Working men’s clubs as the title suggested were places where men went after work to drink beer chat and play games like darts cards and dominoes. As we climbed the stairs we could hear the hum of voices coming from behind the tatty double doors and the sound of people warming up with skipping ropes whistling through the air. Above the noise I am sure I heard my own heart beating.

I was trying to be cool and relaxed. In my mind I knew I could box a bit from what my dad had taught me but I felt so nervous. I would like to say I was excited but I don’t think I was, I was just scared. As we entered the room where we were to train the smell of the cigarettes, Pipe tobacco, beer and sweaty old men was quickly replaced by the warm odour of stale sweaty boxing gloves and sweatier boxers. 40 years later I hear people, who are used to air conditioned sports centres, complain about the smell of my Spit n Sawdust gym, but over the years this smell became my ‘comfort blanket’. The room was full of boxers, the noise of skipping ropes whistling the air punch bags that looked older than my dad being pounded and instructions being bellowed by boxing coaches were intimidating. This was pre ‘political correctness’. This was when if you didn’t do as you were expected you would get a clip round the ear and your parents accepted it. Being ten years old and living on a council estate and being surrounded by bigger older council estate children was initially very scary. But what I found then and have continued to see in all my years being involved in boxing is that boxers are generally honourable people. Bullies rarely attend boxing clubs and boxers although having to be single minded due to the nature of the sport, are respectful of each other.

I saw joining a boxing club as a way of learning to look after myself but ultimately had bigger dreams. I wanted to be the next Muhammed Ali and after a few months training I found people were describing me as a natural. I was in a comfort zone, sparring with people who had started training about the same time as I had and I have to say I was feeling smug. What I had learnt over the years with my father had brought out my natural ability…. Until the day they asked me to have a spar with a bigger boy. This boy was not only bigger and older than me but I had just given his previous sparring partner what I considered a serious beating and made his nose bleed. I refused to spar him, was told I would never make a boxer and left that evening with my tail between my legs never to return. Running was my new sport, I ran everywhere. Four years later, when we moved a little over 5 miles across town from Wood End to what in comparison looked to a posh part of Coventry, Radford, I chose to run to keep my bus fare and run to school. My sister Maxine used to catch a bus to the city centre and another from there to school.

I met a lad called Andy Christie. He was a year younger than I was but taller and looked athletic and to be honest hard as nails. He walked and talked with an air of confidence and seemed very self-assured. We had a paper-round at the same newsagent in Radford. I quickly found out that Andy was one of five brothers who all boxed. All of them were either a former a British Champion, a British Champions or a future British Champion. After visiting the Christies house and meeting the family and seeing their mountain of trophies it wasn’t a difficult decision to join the Standard Triumph Amateur Boxing Club. Joining such a boxing club for me was a big moment for me. As a 10 years old joining the boxing club was impulsive and something to help my confidence. At 15 I knew it was serious and this time I was joining knowing that I was going to become a boxer for real

2013-11-07T03:47:00.000-08:00

Inspiration comes to us in many ways. Many times it will come from positive role models in our own communities, often it will come from our parents who want the best for our futures. It also comes from school teachers who show us the value of education and how education can help shape a better future. Many of us are inspired by our heroes. I was inspire by my father to become a boxer and also by watching boxers like Muhammad Ali and Sugar Ray Leonard. My friends at school were inspired by footballers and all wanted to play for their favourite football teams. Our inspirations and what influences us can shape our lives.

I recently wrote a blog about a friend of mine who I have known for many years. His name was Phillip Panadher and he had recently started to help out at the gym with the young lads who aspired to be boxers. He had recently successfully come through rehab after 7 years of drug abuse and was looking and sounding brilliant. He was lorry driving through a temping agency and told them he couldn't work on Tuesdays or Thursdays as he needed to be here at Spit n Sawdust to help train the children.. During his short time here Phil had a massive influence on the children and had a certain uncomplicated way of getting them to train. It was like turning back the clock listening to him talk to the lads. People these days seem to tip-toe around children so as not to offend them where as Phil was to the point and couldn't understand why they came boxing training but didn't seem to want to work hard. It wasn't that he was strict he just would laugh at their excuses for not putting the effort in and tell them in the simplest of ways why it was important. I remember doing the same thing to Phil when he was a child. He reminded that I had laughed at him when he told me he lost his fight after winning the first round easily because he got too tired and had no energy left. I had told him it was because he was unfit and should have trained harder. He trained harder after that and won his next eight fight before discovering 'wine and women' and packing it all in. His experience was helping him to inspire the boys at the gym to train harder.

On Thursday of last week Phil didn't turn up to training. I knew that he had started to drink again but it was not on a regular basis and seemed to have it under control. At the end of the Thursday's class My step Brother came into the gym to see me asking what I was doing after training so I told him I was going home. He the asked if I could go with him to see my sister because Phil had just died at her house and she was distraught. I can't go into the details of what happened as there has to be an autopsy but on getting there, there were police both inside and outside the house. My sister was inconsolable and there was a lot of emotion in the air. Phil's body was still in my sisters house and rumours of what had taken place were spreading like wild fire. It was a terrible evening. Many of us had lost a close friend who seemed to be on the road to recovery.

This blog is about inspiration and what influences us. Phil was starting to influence the lives of others in a positive way but at the same time was clearly dealing with demons in his own head. 2 days after Phil had died The Olympic torch arrived in England. The Olympics will hopefully inspire future generations to take up sports and sport will become a focus that will lead them on the a successful life. Phil knew the dangers that were out there and joined the boxing club to ensure others didn't go down the wrong road.......

Whats in the book?

2013-11-05T08:26:00.002-08:00

The blurb on the cover of the book may lead you to believe that the book is all about me and my struggle through a difficult upbringing. A story that will take you on a journey through my difficult childhood, where you may expect to read how I fought through the difficult streets of my council estate, endured racist taunts, family unrest and despite my lack of education, came through all of that to become successful, despite the odds. Whilst these things maybe facts, the book will show you many stories that show how many people including; my family, people I have loved, people I have lost, people I have trained and even strangers I have met whilst writing the book who have struggled with their lives and emerged with differing results. At least one story will resonate with you, whether you find it is your own life story or the story of a family, friend or colleague, who's life is seeming to be replicated within the pages. In the second half of this book you may find, as I did, answers to questions that you never considered asking yourself. You may find that there is more to this life that you realised and discover that you are far more capable than you ever thought.

Choose your journey

2013-10-30T04:54:00.004-07:00

I started this Blogspot on the 7th March 2011 and have written 42 posts over 2 years and 8 months.The blog has had more than 20,000 hits in that time and on the whole, judging by the comments, has been positively received. Although they were not all great pieces of work, and I cringe at some when reading them back, I linked the post to Facebook and sometimes Google + and Twitter to maximise their audience. I also gave some posts provocative titles to develop more interest from my prospective audience.

Spit n Sawdust

I stopped writing the blog regularly once I decided that I wanted to write a book that will be somewhat based on the blog. Since I stopped writing the blog, I have become immersed in my book writing and now spend between 1 and 4 hours a day writing. The book is now in it's final stages and I will be going to Italy to finish the draft on the 9th November before talking to a number of editors, publishers and literary agents, that I have contacted using Linkedin over the past couple of years. I hope to have a book launch some time in the new year.

Phillip Panadher a good friend
& victim of a drugs overdose

The reason I started the book was to show a wider audience that their life is in their own hands. It is story based, and will tell of stories of how 'real people' and their choices have steered their lives. The stories show the journeys that friends, family and some famous people have made and how events have shaped their lives. Not all of stories have a happy ending and most of the journeys are still in progress. Some journeys are making good progress and some not so good and some sadly ended whilst I was writing this book.

Some of the boxers that have been through Spit n Sawdust

My purpose in writing this blog and the book has never changed. From my gym I believe I change lives by giving peoples lives a purpose. The book is aimed at helping redirect people, who seem to have lost their way, and show them a journey that helps them understand among other things, that they don't have to let other peoples opinion of them become their reality; and that we can all achieve far more than we realise.

DAVE EARLE - Choose Your Destiny

2013-08-30T04:55:00.001-07:00

How Positive Energy brand ambassador Dave Earle has changed lives

2013-02-14T08:09:00.001-08:00

How Positive Energy brand ambassador Dave Earle has changed lives

Live your dream don't just think about living it

2012-10-02T04:38:00.000-07:00

Looking forward to the seminar

So much has happened since my last blog that I feel I am getting near to writing an interesting life story. I read a book called 'Awaken The Giant Within' and I am also listening to Anthony Robbins audio compilation through my computer. Having read and listened to his tapes for the last couple of years I have now decided to write a journal and actually follow some of his exercises.

One such exercise is a goal setting exercise where I was asked to write down as many personal development goals as I could in 6 minutes and to do this as fast as I could. I was also asked to imagine I was a child on Santa's knee and let my imagination run wild. I was also instructed to write down as many 'thing' goals as I could in 2 minutes and to have no limitations. I could ask to own anything from a house in the country with a pool, or even 2 pools, or an island in the pacific. The final goals I was instructed to write down were my economic goals. Anything to do with how much money I would like to earn whether it was personally or for my family. would I like to invest money etc.. Judging by what Mr Robbins now owns I imagine these were exercises he had practiced in his early years.

So I started writing down what I wanted to achieve and managed to write down 18 personal development goals. My personal development goals included:
Learning more about becoming a personal development speaker. Although I currently do inspirational talks for schools, colleges and community groups, I am not doing them as regular as I would like to.
Visiting regular schools, special needs schools, colleges nursing homes Etc... and to carry out a minimum of 3 talks a week so I could inspire more people to be more successful and fulfill their potential
To meet or have a conversation with Anthony Robbins as he has become a bit of a Guru to me but as he lives in America I was unlikely to see him for a while.

Beside all my goals I had to say in what time period I wanted these goals to be achieved by and then to pick 3 one year goals and write down why they absolutely had to happen. The next thing I was instructed to do was to make a positive action to get started on at least one goal. But before I got around to that, the phone rang and I was asked if I could stand in for a speaker who had cancelled with only ten hours notice. I asked what the subject matter was and I was sent a list that included;

Me my torch and my Olympic tracksuit

Perseverance of adversity
not letting difficulties hold you back
being a positive influence on others through the way you live your life.

Now if you have read any of my other blog stories you will know this is right up my street. So seven hours later I turned up, as instructed, with my Olympic torch wearing the Olympic tracksuit. I was to speak to youths from a private school who had achieved a significantly high grades in their GCSE and A Level exam results. Judging by the response I got from the crowd and the kind words from the organisers the talk went well. So well that the person who hired me twice the money that I had asked for. What I didn't know until the following day is that I had been standing in for 'Titanic' star Kate Winslet who has two children at the school.

Kate Winslet

This to me was a step in the right direction and although I didn't get a recording of the event it will remain fresh in my memory.

A day later I was told that Tony Robbins was to doing a talk with Seb Coe and Donald trump amongst others, at the Excel Arena; £12 for a 3 day seminar. So I then attended the seminar and got to see him live at the O2 Arena London only days later.

Now I have never signed up to the belief about cosmic forces, but the events of the last week are starting to give me an open-ish mind to it. I forgot to mention that the evening of the talk at the private school was my second talk of that particular day, as I took my torch to a care home in the afternoon where I was 'educated' by a lovely 94 year old man who once part owned LLoyds of England. My torch has been a passport to meet some wonderful people

My advice to anyone reading this would be to follow your dreams and don't lose focus on what you really want out of life. Focus on what makes you happy. If it's money you want, saying I want to be a millionaire will never make you a millionaire. Focus on the reasons you want to be a millionaire and then work towards that goal. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be rich, and if your beliefs are strong, having money won't change you, it will just magnify the person you are. If you are someone who just wants a simple life with no desire to climb the ladders of success and riches, and you are someone who just want a happy family and close friends you can rely on, then focus on those you love. There is no secret formula to happiness but we will tend get what we focus on most. So for goodness sake, don't focus on the stuff you don't want to have, focus on what makes you happiest

One positive decision made today can change your life immeasurably

2012-08-30T04:14:00.001-07:00

Facebook With the Olympics and Paralympics fresh in our minds it is important that we carry this legacy forward. Many people have taken up new sports and the personal expectations of the people on the streets has risen. People like Nicola Adams, Mo Farah and Jessica Ennis have shown that you don't need to be gifted and that hard work and a will to win can and does take you to the top

This is true not only in sport but also in day to day life. We can all decide to change our lives at any given time. It is just making decision. One decision today has the ability to alter the rest of your life beyond belief. If you are not happy or believe your life could be far more enjoyable, then make a decision. Whether it is taking a college course, joining a gym or changing jobs.

Now more than ever before there are opportunities out there for all of us. The internet has made the world a smaller place. Information on the net is freely available to most of us. Your new and improved life could be a click away

Make your decision

Making the wrong choice once too often

2012-05-21T07:27:00.001-07:00

Phillip Panadher

I recently wrote a blog about a friend of mine who I have known for many years. His name was Phillip Panadher and he had recently started to help out at the gym with the young lads who aspired to be boxers. He had recently successfully come through rehab after 7 years of drug abuse and was looking and sounding great. His body was free from drugs and his mind was focused on helping others. He was lorry driving through a temping agency and told them he couldn't work on Tuesdays or Thursdays as he needed to be here at Spit n Sawdust to help train the children.. During his short time here at the gym Phil had a massive influence on the children and had a certain uncomplicated way of getting them to train. It was like turning back the clock listening to him talk to the lads. People these days seem to tip-toe around children so as not to offend them, where as Phil was to the point and couldn't understand why they came boxing training seeming not to wanting to work hard and get fit. It wasn't that he was strict he just would laugh at their excuses for not putting the effort in and tell them in the simplest of ways why it was important to train hard. As a boxer, I remember saying the same things to Phil when he was a child. He reminded that I had laughed at him when he told me he lost his fight after winning the first round easily, because he got too tired and had no energy left for the rest of the fight. I had told him it was because he was unfit and should have trained harder. He trained harder after that fight and won his next eight fight before discovering 'wine and women' and packing it all in. His experience was helping him to inspire the boys at the gym to train harder.

On Thursday of last week Phil didn't turn up to training. I knew that he had started to drink again but it was not on a regular basis and seemed to have it under control when I saw him on the previous Saturday when I saw him out with friends. At the end of the Thursday's boxing class my step brother came into the gym to see me, asking what I was doing after training. So I told him I was going home. He the asked if I could go with him to see my sister because Phil had just died at her house and she was distraught. Although I have a good idea of what happened I can't go into the details as there has to be an autopsy, but on getting there, there were police and paramedics both inside and outside the house. My sister was inconsolable and there was a lot of emotion in the air. Phil's body was still in my sisters house and rumours of what had taken place were spreading like wild fire. The scene was awful like something of the TV, it just didn't seem real. It was a terrible evening. Many of us had lost a close friend who seemed to be on the road to recovery.

This blog is about inspiration and what influences us. Phil was starting to influence the lives of others in a positive way. letting them know that if they worked hard they would be successful, but at the same time was clearly dealing with demons in his own head. These demons have left three children without a father.

Two days after Phil had died The Olympic torch arrived in England. It was a reminder to me that I will be carrying the flame in a few weeks. What it also reminded me of was the reason I was nominated, and that reason is because people feel I inspire children and help them make the right choices. It reminded me that my work will never be done. I am not that special, I know so many people who do a similar job to myself and people who dedicate their lives to help others. There will always be people inspiring children to do the right thing but unfortunately there will also always be a minority influencing them to do the wrong thing. The Olympics will hopefully inspire future generations to take up sports and sport will become a focus that will lead them on the a successful life. Phil knew the dangers that were out there and joined the boxing club to ensure others didn't go down the same road he chose.

I am not sure where I am going with this blog. Maybe I am hoping that by reading this people might make a decision that may help inspire someone they know to choose the right path. Maybe I hope a drug user will read it and think twice before offering a youngster a spliff. I wrote this because I am angry and upset that we have lost a friend who made the wrong choice once too often.

Rest in Peace Phillip Panadher

Success!! Could this be about you? includes Alvin Mighty,Rob Evans, Marlon Starling,my dad, my girlfriend my family, Frank Wise School, the Olympic Torch, Rosie Berry Bob Marley

2012-04-19T11:38:00.000-07:00

It is fair to say that I write blogs in the hope of inspiring people. I believe we all have it in us to achieve success in our own lives and also believe the vast majority of us underachieve massively. I will sharing stories from all walks of lives including former champion boxers, successful business people, catwalk models, footballers and who ever else I can convince to join the party. Hopefully many of the stories will be direct from people I have contacted like former World Champion Marlon Starling and of course Banbury's own Boxer turned model Robert Evans

There are many ways in which we can measure success with many people seeing successful people as those who have made it financially. How many times will we see someone we knew at school driving an expensive car and living in a big house or appearing on a TV show, and say 'they have done well for themselves'? I will also be finding out what these people believe success is. If you have a view on what you believe success is, please feel free to give your definition in the comments box below this blog.

What I want to do in this blog is find inspirational success stories to show how certain people who have perhaps started with nothing, had no prospects but have done really well against the odds. I also would like to hear stories from people were feel they were born to be successful, who may have started their own business from scratch. Many of my blogs talk about how hard work is the true route to achievement, is this true or are there short cuts? I would like you the readers to join in with personal stories of your own to inspire others to become successful. I will be asking for four events/people/circumstances that have changed the course of your lives whether they are good, bad or indifferent.

I want to further understand what makes an achiever and the process it takes to accomplish their goals and who, if anyone helped inspire them. I have my own personal stories from people I know. I will be talking to people on their way to success, people who are already successful and people who have been successful. I want to see if people judge success as an achievement and if success has helped or hindered people. I have many visits to schools coming up where I will be doing all I can to convince pupils that their future can be as bright as they want to make it. The more I get inspired, the more I can inspire the next generation

To get the blog rolling I will write a little about my life and the times I feel I have been successful including at least four pivotal times in my life. Much of my life has been highlighted in previous blogs and have been more about my experiences rather than what I feel are successes

Dave Earle

I was born in 1963 to my father Maxie Earle and Mother Patsy. As a child I didn't feel any different to any other child. After starting school in Coventry it became apparent that my skin colour was going to impact on my life. With three Dave's in my class I was quickly distinguished as 'Black Dave' I was bought up with my two sisters on a council estate in Coventry by my father after the breakdown of my parents marriage. I was made aware that life may be harder for us by my father because of our colour and I would have to work hard for any success. At school I didn't do well academically and focused more on doing well at sport as that seemed to come more 'naturally'. Although I was a short skinny kid, I would generally do well at most sports at school and was always fit. I enjoyed school and although I was never going to be top of the class academically I drew strength and confidence from being above average at sports. One sport I would have liked to be better at was football. I never made the school football team being a fast runner meant I could get to the ball first but once I had the ball I couldn't do much with it.

My father remains the biggest influence on my life

So as a child I never had much success other than winning the odd sprint on sports day. Strangely everybody imagined I could fight because my father was a boxer. My father is the biggest reason for me being who I am today. Everything my father did I wanted to do. My father was a boxer I wanted to be a boxer (and was), my father was a lorry driver , I wanted to be a lorry driver (and was), my father was a bouncer so I wanted to be a bouncer (and was). I can clearly say that my father was pivotal to my young life and the way I wanted to lead my life. He could do no wrong in my eyes. All I wanted to do was make him proud. Saying that, I didn't start boxing properly until I was fifteen years old. I had a brief attempt when I was eleven but got scared off when I was asked to spar a bigger boy. I moved from Wood End in Coventry when my father met a lady called Sylvia who lived in another part of town. Fortunately for me I lived on a road opposite a family called the Christies. The Christies were a family of Jamaican Origin and Mr and Mrs Christie had a daughter and five sons. All five sons went on to become National Amateur Boxing champions. One of the brothers, Andrew talked me into going along to the boxing club with him. I boxed from the age of fifteen until I was twenty seven, winning five home counties titles back to back and reached the Quarter Finals of the ABA's (The national competition for amateur boxers) on two occasions. Although I drifted from job to job through the years the one constant in my life was sport, in particular boxing. I also spent a further four years competing as a full contact kick-boxer and won two British Full-Contact Titles, but in all fairness I wasn't the best kick-boxer in the country but my boxing skills at the time were enough to ensure most of my opponents didn't stay around long enough to use their superior kicking abilities for them to hear the final bell. I was it has to be said 'a bit of a banger' but also as one fighter said, I couldn't kick high enough to kick his cat. (not that I would want to) I have been lucky enough to fight in different countries around the world and that taking part in sports has opened lots of doors for me and gained me the respect of many people.

Fun with my three boys and my step-daughter

Another huge influence in my life was having children. The biggest influence since the influence of my father. I see my role now as being a positive role model for my children. Everything changed when I had children. I see the world differently now. Having children is a great natural boost to anyone's life. It's almost a new beginning. From changing nappies to taking them to football matches and watching them compete at sports. Terrible twos? I never noticed them although I may have been told they had them. I have a triple whammy now. I have gone from trying to make my dad proud to making my kids proud and watching them make me proud

My gym is a place where people
can and have transform their lives

Jo has been there for me
whilst I followed my dreams

Three of my sisters

I have had lots of highs and lows in my life and wouldn't change anything apart from wishing my parents were around for longer. Do I see my self as successful? Yes I think so. I have nothing of material value, never owned my own house or had two holidays in a year. I am at best financially unstable but... I started on a rough council estate in Coventry, along the way I have been lucky enough to have a loving family including 6 sisters and a brother. Joining a boxing club led to me winning several championships both in boxing and kick-boxing, I have three wonderful sons who are all doing well and achieving their own successes and a bright musical step-daughter and have a lovely girlfriend who I been with for ten years who has allowed me to follow my dream of setting up my own gym and boxing club. I get to influence peoples lives in a positive way which has included leading some away from a life of crime and for others instilling confidence and belief in their personal abilities. I also get to work with the less fortunate such as the pupils of a local school for the disabled. This alone has helped me realise how fortunate I am. They once reduced me to tears after a school assembly, seeing how contented some pupils were despite their disabilities.

Frank Wise

I was voted in as a Town Councillor by the public of Banbury, so get to help people at a local level from issues varying from deportation to overgrown stinging nettles. As a councillor I have cut ribbons to open shops and fetes. The Banbury public also nominated me to carry the Olympic torch which I will do on July 10th 2012. I have helped a young lad achieve his dream of being a British Champion boxer on three occasions, he is now a super-model and mixing with 'A' list celebrities all over the world. He recently called me from Brazil and told me it looks like he is going to be a judge on America's Top Model

Wez was a bit naughty but became like a son. I like to think
that we are one big family at Spit n Sawdust.

Success to me is being happy with my life and I am very happy. My successes are continuing. I will produce more champions, I fully expect my children to keep making me proud and I will steer youths along the right path and help them realise their potential. Yes I would like to have more money, a bigger house a nice car and have financial stability, I am not a martyr but they would just be the icing on the cake.

In summary: to many people I may not be successful, but I feel successes are to be had every day of the week. I successfully woke up in time to walk my girlfriend to work and for a coffee at Nero's this morning before going to work myself, as I left Nero's a lady said "have a good day" I said "I will" and have gone on to have lots of minor successes throughout the day, including I believe, adding to this blog. I believe you don't have to be a great achiever to be successful, you just need to be successful in your own right. Surely it is more important to be surrounded by a loving family and have a great circle of friends, than it is to own a Rolls Royce and live alone in a mansion?

If we smile more than we frown we are doing ok

How do we get from 'ffs I will never do anything right!' to 'There is nothing I cannot acheive!!!!'

2012-04-02T08:35:00.000-07:00

My Renault 5 was not quite as quick as a Fiat Panda

We all talk to ourselves all of the time even if we don't want to. Most of the talk is often negative and stops us doing the things we want to do. We tell ourselves we haven't the time to do things, we can't afford to do things, haven't got the energy to do stuff, can't be bothered to do anything. The amount of times I hear people say they are bored, and when I have asked them why don't you do something they say 'I can't be bovered' They can't even be bothered with the 'th' in bothered. Well don't say you are bored then!!!!

In my Beemer I was the 'dogs Gonads'

I remember starting a job as a life assurance salesman back in the 90's. I traded my new Renault 5 Campus in for a six year old BMW 3 Series. Each morning I would leave for work in a suit, jump in my beemer and cruise 40 minutes in style to Bletchley near Milton Keynes ready for work. I felt like the dogs gonads. I had arrived in the real world where I had real responsibility and had the opportunity to change and add security to peoples lives. I could help people buy houses, retire early, set up endowment policies for their houses or long term saving plans so their children had a start in life when they finished school. All of a sudden there was purpose to my life and I was so happy. My previous job was a machine operator at the chocolate factory where I had spent 5 years of my working life. I remember the first job I had at the chocolate factory; it was sat on a plastic tray in my white overalls, watching the smarty centres trundle of a conveyor belt into another tray, where it was up to me to sort out the good smarties from the bad smarties, for 8 hours a day. I remember thinking I wish I was on Jensen 5 so I could sort out the mini eggs because this is so tedious. 5 years I worked at the chocolate factory clock-watching, waiting for the day to end. The Chocolate factory was one of a many factory and warehouse occupations I held over a period of 20 years since leaving school. I had 'assembled' mobile telephone cases with a single click before passing it on to the next person, picked and packed at numerous warehouses, and stacked bread all day in a bakery. So when I got the chance to sell life assurance pensions and other financial services I was over the moon. Waking up that first morning thinking 'this is the new me' I put on my suit, I pushed my chest out, rolled my shoulders back, lifted my chin up and walked proudly to my BMW. After completing my training as a life assurance salesman I was told to visit all the people I knew who might require one of my financial services. It started brilliantly but I quickly found I was running out of friends to sell to. To be honest I was running out of friends full stop. I now knew why one of my work mates at Sun Life of Canada always started his cold calling by saying 'Don't hang up I am not a Jehovah's Witness' We were programmed to sell to everyone we met, because 'everybody needed financial advice even if they didn't realize it' We used to go to work every Wednesday for a chat with our boss to discuss how many leads we had and how many leads had turned into sales. The rest of the day was spent prospecting, cold calling, I felt there was nothing worse than cold calling. we would be using the business directories and yellow pages. Then on the other days we were told to go cold calling to peoples homes. Yes, we were to knock on doors whilst people were settling down to have there meals with their families. I felt embarrassed doing this. We often went in pairs and I hated the rejection. I wasn't a salesman I stopped the cold calling and decided to rely on trying to get people I knew to sign up to a pension or take out a mortgage. I really did believe in what I was selling but the rejection from strangers and the fact people I knew seemed to start ignoring me meant I did less and less 'prospecting'. Nobody wanted a pension or life assurance My wage was largely commission based so after a year I was broke . I remember when I first started to dislike the job and that was when I struggled selling. My boss started by saying 'you're so laid back Dave you a horizontal' but after a while when there were virtually no sales he was more blunt. He said to me 'You are not laid back Dave, you are just afraid to bite the bullet' I remember those words as if he said them yesterday. He was right of course. I might have initially liked driving to work in my BMW wearing a suit and having the opportunity to change peoples lives, but now I hated everything about my job. In the end I couldn't be bothered, and because of this I lost my flat, my car and my girlfriend. Eventually I lost my job too, I felt I had been used for the friends I once had but now I had been dumped as I was of no more use. I felt I had no friends, it seemed the whole world had turned against me, I couldn't even afford to go out for a drink to make new friends. I felt I was a failure because that is what I told myself. I had many years of telling myself I wasn't any good at anything other than boxing. But by now I was to old to believe I could make any money from that. I really didn't have any prospects. I had no qualifications to help me get any job. Fortunately I lived in Banbury so I had a bit of a name so I bummed around looking for work whilst bouncing on pub doors to make ends meet. Other than my achievements in boxing I felt I had nothing to be proud of. One good thing that came out of selling life assurance was that one lady who decided against buying life assurance from me took a shine to me and we stated dating. Three years later we got married and went on to have three sons who I love so much. and are a huge part of my life. I did felt I did everything I could to make my boys proud. But my old ways never changed. I was never happy with any of my jobs and we always struggled with money. This put pressure on the relationship with my wife and eventually and understandably after seven years together she asked for a divorce. She told me that being married to me was like looking after an extra child and I could see her point. I should have been more bothered.

So as you can see telling myself I wasn't a salesman, nobody wanted the financial services that I had to offer, not biting the bullet, and hating cold calling never helped me. I saw little of a future in any of my jobs once I had decided I was unhappy. Looking back I can say I should have tried harder, I could have sold more as a life assurance salesman because the potential to earn a lot of money was definitely there and I would have been more successful in my working life and my home life. Factory and warehouse work should have worked as I could have worked harder for a promotion which would have given me more money so I like many of my friends, would have the security of my own home and holidays abroad every year. But Shudda, Cudda, Wudda is not much better than Shan't, Can't, Won't. To improve our lives and become successful we need to change the way we talk to ourselves. Positive thinking alone is not the answer. I have so many positive thoughts over the years. I was going to be a World Champion! Better than Muhammad Ali! That's fairly frigging positive. I am sure lots of people reading this had dreams of playing for their favourite football team, being a model and travelling the world or being an airline pilot? Lots of people, including my trainer told me I Shudda trained harder and Wudda been in the Olympics and Cudda been a World Champion. Whether I should have, would have or could have is all history now for me and I am getting on with my life. Do I have regrets? maybe a little as far as the boxing goes. It would have been nice to see how far I would have got if I was totally committed, and if I had actually believed in myself a little more. But lets be honest, that can be said for any of us. I am no different to anyone else, if anyone had trained for as long and hard as I did, with the same amount of conviction then they would have achieved the same as I did. All we can do now is make sure the rest of our lives go the way we want them to.

I am at the stage of my life now where I feel I need to take the next step. I feel I am moving from cudda, shudda, wudda to a place where I am making things happen. This is still an insecure place as I am not totally in control of my finances but more than I was before. I understand that I could still fail but feel more equipped to move forward. I feel the main reason for this is reading and writing.
I have never been one for reading books but since starting a couple of years ago I have been converted into a daily reader. I don't read anything that I feel I won't learn from. I understand that many people read as a form as escapism and that many fictional books are informative. My girlfriend reads books such as the 'Da Vinci Code' which is full of facts and is very descriptive to the point that she wants to visit Paris and see the places she has read about. I have read many self help books, some good and some a load of old b****cks, consequently this had lead to me writing this blog. In the past I have always had that boost after finishing reading as I mentioned earlier in a previous blog, but I have never been able to change my approach to life for a long period of time so often end up where I started. There is a short story that explains why we don't maintain a change of lifestyle in the book I am reading caleed 'WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU TALK TO YOURSELF' The book was written in 1985 by a man called Shad Helmstetter and was given to me by a man who reads my blogs. In this book there is a section that says about why we don't move forward with our lives and keep slipping back to our old ways. He explains why positive thinking doesn't work by asking us to imagine we have a 'mental department' The place where we live with our thoughts. The department is filled with all our old thoughts about ourselves and the world around us. Many of our thoughts are handed down from our parents teachers, friends, colleagues, the media etc... All these have helped programme our subconscious minds. They have given us the furniture and we have stored it in our 'mental department' We are told to imagine that most of that furniture is negative 'hand me down' furniture and is weary with age and worn. The chairs are broken and shaky, ready to fall apart if sat on too heavily, the pictures, hanging crookedly on the walls, are yellowed and faint. the kitchen table leans at an angle, the dishes are chipped and cracked, no cup has a handle, long since broken away. Coils on the bed-springs show through, rusted and bent, the rug on the floor is more patches and holes than it is a rug. With these furnishing a strong new piece of furniture (some positive thought) would seem out of place, but though here and there, there might be a sturdy piece of furniture or two. But they are too over run by clutter to be noticed at all.

Now imagine someone comes over and offers to come over to your mental apartment and help you get rid of all your old furniture. They tell you they are going to get rid of all your negative thinking once and for all . So at 4.30 tomorrow afternoon they arrive and start to carry out all your old hand me down furniture and store it in the garage out of site. They remove every piece, every dish, every rug, every sofa, table, bed and chair.

Gone forever?

By 6 o'clock everything is gone and we are left with a clear mind. Not a negative thought in sight. Not a sofa, chair, table. Nothing at all......now I can become a positive thinker. But that was at 6 O'clock. What happens later in the evening when there is nothing in your mental department? You need something in there. you need some thoughts otherwise you will go nuts. So you have to go to the garage and get some of your negative thoughts. First a table, then a chair and then maybe a dish or two.

We are most comfortable with our thoughts that we have lived with for most of our lives. It make no difference if those thoughts are bad for us, it was what we know. It is what we feel most secure with by our sides. By 10 0'clock we have brought back the trusty old TV and one by one we will begin to bring in all our old trusted and time worn negative thoughts back into our mental department! Why? Because when you moved all of your old furniture out you didn't replace it. You had no positive new thoughts to replace the negative old thoughts. When we decide to stop thinking negatively we need to immediately start to think positively to ensure the negative thoughts are kept out.

By reading and writing in order to hopefully inspire others I am inspiring myself. I am, not immediately, but slowly getting rid of my old furniture and replacing it with new. I no longer say I cannot do things and don't tell my self I am not clever enough, or not good enough to do anything. I am moving out of the cudda, shudda, wudda and taking as many people as I can with me, onto a better place where we are achieving more and fulfilling more of what we want to achieve.

What I have started doing is telling myself I am more organized. I am tricking my subconscious mind into believing I am more organized, that I have a good memory and that I am good enough to do my own paperwork. In the past I have gone hard at it and made rash changes thinking I can change the world in a day. By doing this I have achieved a lot in a short space of time only to suddenly stop. Now, as I tell my subconscious that I am organized, tidy, a good businessman etc I am starting to believe in myself. I regularly tell myself how I love to get things done, how I know that by doing things, I have always relied on others to do, that I will be successful. The more am telling myself the more I want to become what my subconscious is telling me. Believe me, this is something I have never tried before but I am starting to believe that this is easy. I am becoming the man I want to be just by telling myself I am him already him. Every time I do something I wouldn't normally do, I ask myself why I didn't do it before. It is a bizarre feeling but a great feeling. What I am beggining to realise is that I have always had the ability to do things but I have got into a way of life that has told me I can't. I was sent a text about funding and how I should apply for funding. Funding is something people told me I should have been applying for many years ago due to the work I do with youths. I apparently fit into all areas that the government want to give funding for: I work with all ages from 5 years old up to pensioners, I work with all ethnic diversities, I work with children and youths with social and behavioural issues, I provide a service in the way of work experience, visits and fitness classes to schools, colleges and special needs groups, I mentor children and teenagers and sometimes parents etc... But I don't apply for funding, why? The reason has always been because I didn't think I deserved it, And questioned why I should receive 'handouts'. I now believe that I do provide a service and truly believe that without my boxing club the crime rate in Banbury would be higher and more children would be getting into trouble. I remind myself of the people who's lives have turned around for the better because of Spit n Sawdust. When I hear of a crime being committed by a youth in Banbury and that youth has either hurt someone, or the crime is a result of the youth turning to drink and drugs, I wish they had joined my gym so I would have had a chance of changing their mindsets and maybe had pointed them on the right road. So now I am thinking, with funding we at Spit n Sawdust can help far more people, and by not looking for funding or following up on leads people have given me to find funding I am letting people down. There has always been this nagging voice in my head when I think of applying for funding. That nagging voice is the echo of the times I have heard of people saying 'Why should Dave Earle have funding he is a business?'. But I am assuming these people don't realize what my business does or what it will be capable of doing with the help of funding. More funding will secure the future of Spit n Sawdust and give us the opportunity to grow and help more people.

Dreaming is for dreamers. Don't wait

When I first opened Spit n Sawdust I said to my girlfriend 'this is the first of many clubs'. I had a dream of having fitness clubs all over the world. Now I still want clubs all over the world but not only as fitness clubs. I want clubs that do more than get people physically fit but also a club that is affordable that gives everyone the opportunity to grow as people no matter what their backgrounds or where or how they were brought up. I understand that some people start off on the wrong foot through no fault of their own. Most children given a bit of encouragement and care can go on to achieve much more than we might believe. I am believing in myself now more than I ever have and believe we can all do the same. But many of us need to change. We need to really believe in ourselves and get rid of the old furniture that is holding us back and replace it with new furniture that will take us into a new and successful future. I am on my way there now and will arrive there soon. If we look forward and see only darkness and disappointment with the feint hope of a lottery win to change our lives, you can guess what we will find when we get there, and it is not a lottery win.

So what do we all need to do to change. How do we move from being who we don't want to be to the person we do want to be? Once we have decided that we have moved on we need to 'close the deal'. If it was giving up smoking that we have decided to is going to be a thing of the past and we have recently managed to kick the habit we now need to tell ourselves 'I don't smoke, my lungs are clean and healthy, I have no habits that harm me or hold me back in any way' and instead of doing things when we feel like doing them we do them as soon as they need doing, telling yourself 'I enjoy doing things when they need to be done, I love being organised and love getting things done. This may free up more time to either do other important jobs that will help you move forward or even give you more quality time with a loved one.

Once you have convinced yourself 'I am a winner, I believe in myself', I respect myself and like who I am', I have decided to take charge of my life and be successful and that's what I am doing'. Can you imagine going through the rest of your life with that kind of self talk on your side. You deserve the best out of life perhaps it's time you did something about it?

READING THIS BLOG AND SELF HELP BOOKS DO NOT CHANGE PEOPLE. THEY ARE JUST AIDS TO GUIDE YOU.

YOU ALONE CAN MAKE THE CHANGES BUT IT REQUIRES ACTION SO GET STARTED AND DON'T BE INSPIRED JUST FOR TODAY, TOMORROW OR NEXT WEEK.

START PUTTING THINGS RIGHT TODAY AND REPROGRAMME THE WAY YOU THINK, TAKE IT WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF YOU LIVES

Self help books are a little like the exercise machines we have at home. Before I had my gym I used offer personal training at peoples houses. I would advertise my services via fliers through peoples letterboxes and then wait for the calls so I could arrange appointments. I would then visit the people who expressed an interest in personal training and set up a programme to help them with their health and fitness. Some people would want to lose weight, others might want to gain muscle and some just didn't feel comfortable using gyms. So on the next visit I would arrive at their house with a range of equipment that I felt would be suitable for their fitness training. One man I visited was ex-army. He had long since left the army but in his quest to keep fit he had turned his garage into a gym and had a good range of fitness equipment. But like many people the thought of training was more appealing than the reality. On starting his training routine he was full of enthusiasm and he increased his fitness levels in a very short time. His programming from his army days slipping easily back into action and in only two months the changes were phenomenal. He had lost his belly, from being unable to run a few hundred meters without getting out of breath he could now run 5 miles, his strength and stamina returned and I found I was getting fitter just keeping up with him. This was truly a win, win situation for me. But like many of my customers, he suddenly stopped training saying work was getting in the way. whether this was the real reason I will never know but many of the people I used to visit had similar stories. Many people who wanted personal training were reasonably comfortable financially and had their own fitness equipment at home ranging from a couple of pieces of gym equipment, to an entire gym. I remember visiting one customer and thinking "This lady should make herself some money and open this gym to the public". But, just like that teach yourself a foreign language cassette we used to listen to in the car, the self help books that once inspired us and the running shoes we bought so we could one day run that marathon they soon all become discarded. Most of the houses I visited had fitness equipment that doubled as a place to dry clothes.

Getting from I cannot do something to should do something and onto I will do something is a step by step procedure that takes us onto doing things. Personally I have never been organised which I feel is the reason my business has never moved forward at any pace. I have always been terrible at paperwork and doing the books and even dropped out of a business course at college because I found it too difficult. Hence the reason I don't feel I am cut out for business. But eight years after starting my business I was still in business telling myself that if I was better at business I would be more successful. Whilst I have watched businesses close all around me I have be telling myself "It is only a matter of time before I lose my business" The pub next door has closed down 7 or 8 times since I started my gym in November 2003. The credit crunch has been responsible for the closure of multinational co-operations such as Woolworths and Chicago Rock Cafe but I was still here giving myself a hard time about how rubbish I am at business. I need to be better at running a business, of that there is no doubt otherwise I will struggle on for the next 8 years. But does the fact that I have never been organised and flunked a business course mean that I don't have the ability to be successful? Am I unsuccessful? Does the fact that I couldn't even get finance on an additional mobile phone that would have cost me an additional £15 a month, last month mean that I will probably fail in the long term and I have been 'lucky' since 2003?

I found out last night whilst door knocking for votes as a town councillor that 'we' as councillors are treated in many ways less welcome than a Jehovas Witness. My father was a Witness and told me of the constant rejection he got when knocking doors spreading the 'good word' Whilst out last night I realised I was responsible for everything the Conservative government has done wrong. The pension reforms, family tax credit reforms, the price of fuel at the pumps etc.... It was all our fault and last night it was my fault. Like my father I am a foot soldier, but I am a foot soldier for the Conservative government. I became a town councillor because I love Banbury. I had no alliance to any political party as I believed they are all the same. Like any business they are given a budget and told to keep the country afloat. As far as I could see all governments make promises they can't keep to win votes, if they didn't they would never be elected. I knew that by becoming a town councillor I would be in a position locally where I could visit schools and help children. Helping people is my business. Joining the conservative party helps me run my business. Whilst we were out canvassing one man said, of me, that he would not be voting for me because I am only doing it to help my business? Well I am not ashamed to say, yes it is to help my business. My business is everything to me and if the government can help me get into schools and help direct children and youths onto a better life then I am guilty as charged..... That's enough politics for now

Back to how talking to ourselves. I want to talk about how easy it is to be down on ourselves and conversely how we can pick ourselves up. But first I want to put things into perspective I want to talk about yesterday when a friend of mine came around for a chat and a catch up. He has quite a good life, he doesn't have a lot of money, a nice car or a big house, in fact he likes to talk about what he does have and the good times he has had or is gong to have in his life. We use Facebook to occasionally chat and catch up with each other and maybe discuss a bit of boxing, as his days are primarily spent on the internet talking about boxing to many professional boxers and boxing fanatics, and I run a boxing club. Yesterday as he occasionally does he decided to pop in for a chat and a cuppa in my bar. We exchanged formalities and I asked him how he was doing. He said he was fine, doing great, talking to lots of people in the 'game' he did a bit of name dropping and I was suitably impressed.... and then he told me he had just recently been diagnosed with lung cancer. I was obviously surprised and asked him when he found out and the prognoses. He said he is taking each day as it comes but after the initial shock had quickly come to terms with it and is making sure he keeps on enjoying life. Since taking an interest in boxing he has met so many people and has been treated so well by the boxing fraternity that he feels lucky to have such great experiences. He told me of his all expenses paid trips to Germany to watch world title fights, he meets and talks to people everyday either through Facebook or on a personal level, he introduces people to each other through his boxing forum, who then, although they live in different countries and continents will go on to be friends and travel to see each other. Whilst he was talking to me his voice was full of excitement and he was looking forward to things that were going to happen in the near future rather than focusing on his disease. He was here for an hour or two and when he left I thought "that was amazing"

A few months ago I was talking to another person who had came to the gym one afternoon for a chat. Again we exchanged formalities and I asked how she was doing. She said she was ok thanks. She then went on to say she had been signed off work with depression. I know this lady well and I also know she was going through a bad time and had recently ended a relationship, so could understand why she was signed off with depression. I asked if she was feeling alright and she said yes she was feeling fine so again we exchanged banter whilst having a hot drink. Whilst I see that this lady was going through a difficult time and can see that being away from work may help her 'condition', on reflection now, after talking to my friend and seeing how he is dealing with the fact that he has cancer and in his words "I don't know if I will see Christmas" I start to wonder how the human mind works? I think my first friend showed an amazing amount of courage to face his disease and make the most of his time, experiencing as much as he can in the time he has left, whilst I imagine my second friend, although I don't doubt she was depressed, could with a different mindset manage her illness better. I have low moments like anyone else but I find I am getting better at dealing with them by putting everything in perspective. If we accept we need to solve problems to grow as people then surely the problems will become just obstacles that lead us on to a better life? Otherwise if they remain as problems they will always be problems and we will never move forward. Have you ever, Yes you! have you ever had a long standing grudge with someone? It might be from years ago when you were at school about a relationship, or a time when that person made you look stupid in front of your friends. Have you then met this person years down the line and realised they are not as bad as you remembered and not only have they changed but so have you? We can change how we feel in an instant if we look for the positives in a situation and stop dwelling on the negatives.

If you get down, feel lonely, or become depressed: If things aren't going so well, its's time to change the programme and start to get things back on track. And this will start when you start telling yourself the way forward and actually believe there is a way.

We Created It We Can Change It

Our situation in our lives were created by us or the influences in our lives. I may never have liked reggae music and boxing if my father was not a Jamaican boxer? I certainly wouldn't have been a conservative councillor if I hadn't been approached by the conservative party. Tiger Woods may not have been a prolific golfer had his dad not introduced him to golf before he could even walk and if you or I were born in another country to another religion our view of the world might be totally different. We are all products of our programming.

Some believe that what ever we create in our lives we can change, but changing it has been the hardest part. Despair, despondency, and depression are a part of too many of our lives. But those types of feelings that are self created can be lightened or removed but we ourselves must act as therapists to ourselves. We must tell ourselves and truly believe that we can change our programming. Talking to ourselves may sound like a crazy concept but it what we do for every waking hour. By talking to ourselves we can redirect our self-belief and turn our lives around and will help us see the world as a different place. Sometimes we may feel there is nowhere to turn and nobody to turn to. But by looking again and telling ourselves there are so many avenues to take and so many lovely people to help us, our lives can be transformed. What's more, it's truer than you think.

If we decide that things are dark and gloomy then that's the way they will stay. I hear people say "I wish I was rich, I wish I was fitter, I wish I could give up smoking etc... All these things are achievable to almost every one of us but wishing for something never gets it ... unless you are Aladin and have a magic lamp. Wanting things to work out right is the reason they didn't work out right in the first place. We have to make things happen. It is up to us to create the lives we want. When dealing with depression psychiatrists and counselors will often recommend a change of diet, I would recommend a bit of positive self talk to ease your mind and then rather than getting depressed you can start to manage your life better and appreciate your self more. I have just picked up a book I read a short while ago called 'the One Minute Apology' by Ken Blanchard and read a short passage from a chapter called Self Appreciation where a young man is recieving life skills from the One Minute Manager

A young man asked " How does a person learn to appreciate themselves?"

"From four sources" Replied the One Minute Manager.

"The first is fate. At birth you don't have a choice of where you are born , who your parents are, or whether you are male or female or the color of your skin, it is fate.
The second is your early life experiences with adults - Your parents, relatives, teachers and coaches.
"Third" continued the One Minute Manager are your successes and failures in life
And the fourth source of your self worth is your perception of the first three

"Which of these four do you think are the most powerful?" asked the One Minute Manager?
"The fourth" the young man replied

The story continues and the young man learns more about life skills and in particular in this book of how a one minute apology can make a huge difference to relationships without you looking foolish. After I read this book I then tried it out for myself to see if it had any value. After I had told people close to me how I accepted I had made mistakes and wanted to be judged from what I did from then onward. But instead of being compassionate the people just agreed with my failings telling me I needed to buck up my ideas because they were working so hard and I was letting them down. That didn't seem to work, and I was furious inside and wanted to retaliate by saying how much I had been trying and how much more I was doing compared to what they were doing etc, I thought what a crap book I just embarrassed myself with my honesty. I tried to change what I had created by adopting a new approach and fell flat on my face. Once the dust had settled a week or so later I had another talk with the same people explaining that I was not happy with their reaction to my admission of my mistakes and thought they should have reacted differently. I explained how much I attributed to the cause and although I could see their help was important and valued I would be happy if my efforts were appreciated too. This time the reaction was much better The heat of the moment at the first meeting seemed to take over any rationality. They also apologised for the way they had reacted and since then there has been a huge change in our relationships and we understand each other far more than we ever did before.

This was the first time I had stood up and said "I made mistakes" but although I will try not to put myself in that position again it won't be the last. We all make mistakes it's is one of the ways we learn

It's time some of us had a 'serious' word with ourselves

2012-03-26T12:19:00.000-07:00

I want to start this blog by saying I don't deserve, want or need any sympathy off anyone. My Status titles are put there as 'hooks' to get people to read my blogs. The blogs are here to hopefully inspire people to lead better, happier and more fulfilled lives. I come from a very caring and loving family and it has made me who i am. I am very fortunate, in my opinion, to be where I am in my life considering my lack of academic accolades. One of the last things I would want to do is to have people who feel sorry for me as I am a proud man who does everything that I know would make my parents proud. Looking for sympathy is not one of them. The very last thing I would want to do is offend members of my own family.

For many years I have wanted to improve my standard of living. Judging by the £5.7 billion spent on lottery tickets in the UK last year I am not alone. I have read numerous self help books, listened to lots of recordings of successful life coaches and trawled the internet over the years looking for inspiration. It seems every time I read a book I have a eureka moment. At last I think to myself, a book that will change my life for ever. I have read spiritual books such as 'The Art of Happiness" where an American Psychiatrist, Dr Howard C Cutler, has a one-to-one with the Dalia Lama. This was a book that showed how to find balance and complete mental and physical freedom on a day to day basis. It showed simple ways of how to avoid suffering, the importance of compassion and how compassionate people are happier people. It is a beautiful written book that left you with a warm feeling inside and made me a more compassionate person. On the down side it showed how the western world had little compassion and showed us that we are all hungry for success and don't care who we crush to get it. It showed how the people of Tibet were over-run by the Chinese and how the Dalia Lama was forced into exile and fled to India where he still lives todayOther spiritual books I have read include 'The Way of The Peaceful Warrior' by Dan Millman. Way of the Peaceful Warrior's enduring appeal has as much to do with the author's compelling personal story as with his message. Dan Millman's journey began during a period of spiritual crisis when he met a powerful old warrior named Socrates at a gas station at 3 a.m., and found himself tempted by an elusive woman named Joy. Thus began an odyssey that led him to the concept of the "peaceful warrior" - and on toward a final confrontation that would either deliver or destroy him. His discovery that the life and practice of the peaceful warrior is action helped him make sense of his life and find a sense of purpose, which he was able to impart to others. For the peaceful warrior, the messages are simple but resonant: "What you give, you receive. Doing is understanding. And you can do anything when you find the heart and courage for it. 'Ghandi' by Jad Adams (this is a review)...Adding fresh insight to a life so well documented is no mean feat, but Adams's biography of Gandhi eschews hagiography and offers critical insights about the revered political and spiritual leader. Scholars of Indian politics are no strangers to the notion that "Gandhi was a great leader but a poor politician," and Adams (Hideous Absinthe) attends to this naïveté. But the author pulls the veil back much more dramatically on Gandhi's personal life, notably his obsession with chastity and his practice of testing it by sleeping next to teenage girls—in some cases, his young relatives—and receiving daily nude massages from his female devotees. And while Gandhi was an astute campaigner, he was also willful, fixated on his own personal dietary and sexual beliefs, and a bit of a brute to his family. Adams observes that he behaved "not always well toward his friends and supporters, but wonderfully towards people he did not know, and with an outflowing of spontaneous benevolence towards those toiling masses that he would never know in person." The author veers on occasion into overly psychoanalytic dissection of Gandhi's motives, attributing his poor treatment of his offspring to "the carnality of their creation, as if he saw in his own sons nothing but the embodiment of the copulatory urge that had to be tamed." But Adams provides a balanced view of the complex figure whose personal, spiritual and historical legacy are no less great for being flawed. and 'The Secret' by Rhonda Byrne. The secret was a brilliant read, probably my first spiritual read. It talks about the law of attraction and explains how the universe is connected. I found the book mesmerizing and had to read many parts over and over again to understand the message it was sending. Thinking back I realise much of what was written was common sense and have to say I disagreed with some information but what a fantastic read. I also read books by people who I hope will inspire me to be more successful in my business. Books like 'Business stripped Bare' by Richard Branson, 'I Can Make You Rich' By the hypnotist Paul McKenna. and 'Unlimited Power' by the amazing American Anthony Robbins. Reading for me was like a new window opening in my life. Until a couple of years ago I had only read books I had to read at school. It is important to remember that each person reading the same book will gain different opinions of the what the author is trying to say. we will all take in what fits well with our own personality/programming (more on that later)

After reading these books and attending business meetings and seminars I am always full of optimism about my future. I go straight back to work and start making changes and for up to a month I am a new man and my business flourishes. My view of the world is much clearer now I am full of wisdom. I improve my marketing, I start using my diary so I don't miss appointments and have even written a fresh business plan. My gym is much tidier as I spend everyday cleaning and tidying But..... eventually, each time, I have always slipped back int my old ways and come up with all the same old excuses for not being successful.

But there is no reason for me to be unsuccessful in business. I am in control of my own thoughts. We are all what we think we are, and can achieve what we believe we can achieve. With the help from many people around me I decided a long time ago what my strengths and weaknesses are. Maths is not one of my strong points. I have never been great at maths and believe I was extremely lucky to get a GCSE 'C', in fact as an academic I have never been good and was never destined to be a scholar, My only 'O' level was in art. But sport! That's a different matter. I was always going to be good at sport, especially boxing. My dad was a boxer so it was easy for me. But I wasn't great at football. I had two left feet and was too clumsy. In fact, when I think about it, as far as sport goes It could be said I was only good at running and boxing?

Thinking back there were lots of things I was not good at? I was never going to be good at business because I am not very organised. I remember being told about my faults all the way through my childhood by my teachers and friends. As an adult it hasn't been much better. I was told things like "You are just no good at that". "You can't do anything right", "you're just like your father", "You never remember anything", "You will never be a boxer","You are a daydreamer", "You are lazy", you don't care about anyone but yourself", "If you were any more laid back you would be horizontal" When most of us think back to our childhood we will remember our peers being far more negative about us than positive. I suspect a lot worse things have said to children behind closed doors. What many parents see as being protective often becomes negative programming that stays with their children for ever.

Our thoughts control our lives. We are what we think we are. We can also become what people expect us to become. Have you heard the saying "if you say it enough times it becomes real"? Negative thoughts create negative people.

Most self talk is unconscious or unnoticed. Some self talk is constructive and beneficial but much is the opposite. You can easily convince yourself you are what you think if you tell yourself, or if someone else tells you enough times. Here are some examples of negative 'self talk' you may recognize, of things you may have heard other people say or said yourself .

I can't remember names
It's going to be another one of those days
It's just no use
I know it won't work
Nothing ever goes right for me
That's just my luck
I am so clumsy
I don't have the talent
I am just not creative
Everything I eat goes straight to my waist
I can't seem to get organised
Today just isn't my day
I can never afford the things I want
I already know I won't like it
No matter what I do I don't seem to be able to lose weight
I never have enough time
I just don't have the patience for that
That really makes me mad
When will I ever learn
Sometimes I just hate myself
I'm just no good
I am too shy
I never know what to say
With my luck I have no chance
I would like to stop smoking but I can't seem to quit
I don't have the energy I used to
I never have any money left at the end of the month
I've never been any good at that
Nobody likes me
I never get a break
It seems I am always broke
Sometimes I wish I had never been born
I am so depressed
I am just not a salesman
I lose weight and just put it back on again
I just don't seem to be able to get anything done
Nothing seems to go right for me
I'll never get it right
I just cant take it any more
I am just no good at maths
I always freeze in front of a group
I hate m job
I get cold at this time of year
I am just not cut out for that
There is nothing to do in this town
I am nothing without my first cup of coffee in the morning
You can't trust anyone any more
I am bored
If only I was smarter
If only I were taller
If only I had more time
If only I had more money
Why should I try it won't work anyway
If only I did better at school
...and on, and on, and on

I know I have used many of the above examples about myself and worse than that I have used them about other people. One lad who uses the gym tells me he has always been clumsy. He always seems to trip up the stairs when he comes into the gym. He often drops thing and trips over things. When fixing things he has sometimes caused more damage than he has repaired. So is he clumsy? and will I call him clumsy again? The answer to both these questions is no. Is he always in a hurry and does he like to impress people? Yes! If he had been told from an early age that he was graceful and well coordinated would he be clumsy today? I have always been bad at remembering names. I am 47 years old and never can remember being good at remembering names. I will get introduced to someone at a party and forget their name as soon as I am told it even though I wanted to remember their name. All my life I have told myself I cannot remember names , I have programmed myself not to remember names. How can it be possible to forget a name only seconds after it was told to me? So what happens when the I am asked to get that persons attention or I need to introduce them to someone else? I go through the alphabet in my head in hope that their name will jump into my mind. Somewhere in my subconscious mind I have told myself I cannot remember names......

BEHAVIOUR

Success and failure is concluded by our behaviour. If we take the correct route will will be successful, and of course if we don't we will experience failure. Life is not about being lucky. Life is not a game of chance, we are not at a casino. If we leave our life to chance we will fail. Success comes with managing your life successfully. Sometimes it seems we are lucky or unlucky but something we have done will have lead to this success or failure. There are those who say nothing happens by accident and others who say everything happens for a reason. Lets have a look at your personal successes or failures. Whether you are examining your smaller every day achievements, or the bigger monthly or yearly successes, generally those achievements and success didn't happen by accident, they were a result of something else. I am lucky. I have just been given the chance to carry the Olympic torch, nominated by the public in my home town as a person who attributes to the welfare of the community, in particular youths and guiding people who have troubled lives. My luck comes from my passion for my own town and for the love I have for people no matter what their background. This all results from my programming from my childhood. I am sure if I was to see a psychiatrist they would tell me a reason for my compassion. My luck comes from years of working with people that others may not have been so sympathetic to. Lets use another example. If a student at school refuses to study, never pays attention, and often skips school (all behaviour), will the student do well in school? Probably not. If that student behaves in a way that says "I don't like being where I am" his or her behaviour will ultimately cause a problem. The good grades won't show up and if something doesn't change, neither will the student. So why do we behave this way if we know it will end in disappointment and failure? Do we not want to succeed? We all know right from wrong so why do we sometimes choose the wrong way?

FEELINGS

The way we behave is governed by our feelings. If we feel good about something those feelings will directly influence our behaviour. Have you ever watched a child who has been made to eat something it didn't like? How did the child act? Did the child spit it out like it was being poisoned? I remember feeding my little sisters when they were infants and remember the food ending up all over their face, in their hair and sometimes the bowl would end up on the floor. But when the pudding came (which I helped them eat) their faces lit up and they would be trying to grab my had to get the food to their mouths more quickly. What is the difference between one type of food and the other? It's not because one type is better than the other. The difference is how the child has come to feel about the food. The way the child felt about the food determined what action he/she took. I know many level headed people who are scared of flying. Many times I will get on a plane and watch peoples reactions when the we are told to fasten our seat-belts. Some say a prayer, others close their eyes or cuddle their partners. My girlfriend will always have a couple of pints of Guinness. This is all down to peoples feelings.

Your feelings about anything you do will affect how you do it. It doesn't have to be feelings of like and dislike, joy or fear all of your feelings affect your actions. How you feel about your job, your partner, your family, money, health, yourself, your success will determine how you behave in each of these areas. If your feelings are positive and productive then your actions/behaviour will follow. But what causes you to have the feelings which are so much a part of you? What creates the way we feel about anything? Did you get them by accident? No way, never. Your feelings are created controlled and determined or influenced by your attitude

ATTITUDES

Your attitudes are how you view life. Some people seem to have good attitudes and some seem to have a bad attitude about everything. But most, when you look closer, have a mixture of good and bad attitudes. What ever attitude we have about anything will affect the way we feel about it, which in turn will determine how we act about it, which in turn will decide how well we will do. So our attitudes play a big part in how successful we will become. How many people do you know who seem to have a bad attitude? Many children, teenagers in particular are told they have a bad attitude, or that their attitude stinks. Teenagers are often told if they carry on with that attitude the will always get in trouble and never achieve anything. A good attitude is essential to achievement of any kind. Having a good attitude is essential but we must have an attitude that works for us. But where do we get our attitudes? Are we born with them? They don't just happen. Our attitudes are no accident. They don't just happen. They are created, controlled and influenced by our beliefs

BELIEFS

Armagedon

What we believe about anything will determine our attitude about it, create our feelings, direct our actions and help us to do well, poorly or succeed. Our beliefs are so powerful they will make things that are real seem unreal, truths seem untrue and wrongs seem right. A belief does not require something to be the way we see it to be, it only requires that we believe that it is. It is possible that tomorrow morning in some classroom in Afghanistan a little boy or little girl will be made to believe that the Western world and full of terrorists wanting kill their families and take over their country. It is possible that at the same time a child in the United States will be made to believe that Muslims are bad people intent on destroying the Western World and killing their families and taking over their country. I remember as a teenager believing what I heard through the media and expected the world to end in 1984. Although |I never totally believed the world would end, I was glad on January 1st 1985. I hear similar stories now from children and teenagers about 2012. For those who still worry about the world ending in 2012. The Jehova's Witness group Watchtower had 46 failed end of world predictions that were to occur between 30 AD and 1920 AD but as we know, the world didn't end. But many 'believed' it would, and how do you think it affected the lives of these people?

As an example of how important belief can be, imagine something about yourself. Something that was working against you but was not true. Let's say you believed you had trouble making friends easily. or being excepted easily or naturally by others. I know I believed this when I was younger. Let's say that you were the child at the back of the class or the child who was a seen as the geek and not popular like the lads who played football who were popular. As a result you found yourself standing back in social gatherings self-conscious and unsure of what to say. Or at work where you never spoke up even when you had a great idea that would help your boss but you let others speak first and get a substandard idea be used. Let' say that you wanted to be witty, fun and involved but the outside you just didn't measure up.

Since whatever you believe about yourself will end up affecting what you do, you can be sure that you are not as socially acceptable as you want to be. Your belief about yourself will turn out to be correct whether it's true or not. All social behaviour is conditioned. Nobody is born socially adapt or inept. If you tell yourself you cannot do something, what can the only outcome be.

We all have thousands of beliefs about ourselves some big some small and many are correct,. But I suspect many more are not. Where do these beliefs come from? do they spring from nowhere? are we born with them like some sort of birth mark that we keep for ever? Do we create them ourselves? Where do we get them? Our Beliefs are directly created by our programming

PROGRAMMING

We are all programmed what we are programmed to believe. Our conditioning from the day we were born, has been created, reinforced and almost been cemented into our minds. That's most of what we believe about ourselves, and what we believe about what goes on around us. Whether the programming was right or wrong, true or false, the truth is what we believe. It all starts with programming! what we have accepted from the outside world or fed to ourselves, has initiated a natural cause, a chain reaction that leads us to either fail or succeed in self management of ourselves and our futures. It is our programming that sets up our beliefs. In a logical progression, what we believe determines our attitudes, affects our feelings, directs our behaviour and determines our success or failure.

Programming creates beliefs
Beliefs create attitudes
Attitudes create feelings
Feelings determine actions
Actions create results

That's how the brain works. If you want to manage yourself in a better way, and want to change your results, you can do it at any time you please. Start with the first step. Change your programming!

Love

2012-02-24T07:24:00.001-08:00

As I quoted in my last blog: 'Confronting and solving problems is a painful process which most of us attempt to avoid' Ultimately love is everything. "When we love something it is of value to us, and when something is of value to us we spend time with it, time enjoying it and taking care of it." But what is love and does it really exist. Although I know love is a complex subject and for most of my life I never believed it existed; by exploring the different types of love I have had my eyes opened to what love might be. Over the next few days through this blog I will be writing about love and it's importance in our lives. I will be writing about 'falling in love' and how it differs from 'real love'. Other topics regarding love will include romantic love, ego's, dependency, self sacrifice the risk of dependency etc...

Falling In Love

Honeymoon

Falling in love and love at first sight happens to most of us. We remember seeing a person for the first time, looking into their eyes and for some reason finding it difficult to look away. As much as we want to look away for some reason we can't. Even when we manage to take our eyes off them we continue thinking of them, wondering if they might be thinking of us. We don't want to keep staring because it may make them become uneasy. So we have sneaky glances hoping we can catch them looking at us in the hope they feel the same way about us. We can quite easily call this experience love at first sight. We go to bed still thinking of that person and wonder when we will next see them and wake up thinking of them, hoping that they like us as much as we like them. When the object of our desires is as equally mesmerized by us as we are by them, and we realise that they also find it difficult not to look at us and then a kind of mystical feeling causes us both to blush and get our hearts racing then that can be described as falling in love. Falling in love is when you see a person and feel you could give up the everything for them. You sacrifice a part of you for that person without thinking. You miss boxing training (hang on that was just me) You see less of your friends and don't even miss them, you sacrifice part of your own life, knowing it will be more than filled with the satisfaction of having the love of another.

This is a different love to the love we have with our parents. We don't fall in love with our parents, brothers or sisters. Falling in love is specifically a sex linked erotic experience. and although we feel "I really love him/her" we will not have the same deep connection we have built up with our family. Falling in love is invariably a temporary emotion and sooner or later we will fall out of love. This doesn't have to mean we stop being in love but the type of love changes, the 'honeymoon period ends, the bloom of romance always fades.

Ego Boundaries

Good dog now listen, do you see my mum?
go and tell her my nappy needs changing

To understand what falling in love and why it inevitably end we need to examine what psychiatrists call ego bounderies. From what we have learned through evidence of studies it appears that a new born infant through it's first few months cannot distinguish between itself and the rest of the world. When it moves its arms the whole world is moving, when it's hungry the whole world is hungry and when it's mother is singing happily it does not know if it is itself or it's mother making the sound. But as the months pass the infant learns to distinguish itself the room and it's parents. So when the baby is hungry mother doesn't always appear to feed it, and when it's playful mother doesn't always want to play and a sense of 'me' starts to develop. This interaction between mother and infant is believed to be the ground out of which the child's sense of identity grows. this interaction between mother and infant is crucial. When there is no mother, or no mother substitute or when the own mothers illness causes her to be uncaring or uninterested. Then the child's sense of identity is defective in the basic ways. It has been known for a mother to have post natal depression after childbirth disabling the mother to have that crucial bond. I am sure my ex-wife wouldn't mind me mentioning that it happened to her, as it is a well known condition that has happened to many mothers. Fortunately I was around and after talking with my ex wife I realised there was a problem and took the opportunity smother my son with love and attention. As the infant recognises its oneness and realises that it is not just part of the universe it begins to make other distinctions between itself and the rest of the world. It chooses to move, wave it's arms in front of its eyes it also learns it is responsible for it's own movements. By the end of our first year we were all aware that it was our arm, our foot our tongue etc... What we also know is the size of our physical limits. These limits are our boundaries. The knowledge of the limits inside our minds are ego boundaries. At the age of two - three years old a child becomes aware of it's limits of power. If you are a parent reading this I am sure you remember the terrible two's. This is the time when your child was acting like a tyrant and we were it's small army. Without even the concept of conversation our kids would be shouting and giving orders to our pets, toys and us. By the time a child is three the child has accepted the reality of it's boundaries of power. Although I am sure I remember believing that with a bit of training I could swing from buildings like Spiderman at the age I was leaving primary school.

Young people know they are individuals, confined to the limits of their boundaries, especially if a child has had a traumatic childhood where love was missing or unavailable at the early and crucial times. The world can seem dangerous, hostile and confusing. Some children find these boundaries to be protecting and comforting and a sense of safety in their loneliness, but most of us find this loneliness to be painful and yearn to grow and become unified with the world outside ourselves.

So what does all this have to do with falling in love? I hear some asking. The experience of falling in love allows us to temporarily escape. Falling in love is a sudden collapse of a section of an individuals ego boundaries, permitting one to merge his or her identity with another person. The sudden release of oneself from oneself, the explosive pouring out of oneself into the beloved and the dramatic loss of loneliness accompany this sudden loss of ego boundaries is experienced by most of us as ecstatic. We and our beloved are as one and loneliness is no more

In some cases the act of falling in love is an act of regression reversing our journey out of childhood and going back to a dependent state where all things seem possible . Being in love enables us to conquer obstacles, the future will be perfect. The unreality of these feelings when we have fallen in love is essentially the same unreality of the two year old who feels itself to be king of the family and the world with unlimited power. Just as reality intruded on the power of the two year old as it discovered its ego boundaries, so has reality of the fantastic unity of the couple who have fallen in love. Sooner or later the problems of daily living and individual will reasserts itself. He wants to have sex, she doesn't, he wants to put a deposit on a new car, she wants to put a deposit on a holiday, she wants a house in the country, he wants to stay in the city near his family. So both of them in their hearts come to the realisation that they are not as one and will continue to have their own desires, tastes and prejudices. Ego boundaries snap into place. Either gradually or suddenly they fall out of love and once again they are separate individuals. At this point they either dissolve the relationship or initiate the work of real loving. Not that falling in love is not real love per se, it is often the introduction to 'real love'

Falling in love is a temporary emotion

Falling in love is not a conscious emotion, it is something we have no control over and it often happens when we least expect it. It often happens to people who are ill matched. Teachers will often fall in love with their students just as students fall in love with them. Yet because of their role the teacher will normally be able to abort the collapse of their ego boundaries and give up their student as a romantic object. We can only control the experience of falling in love we cannot create it. We can choose how to respond to the experience we can not choose the experience itself. Falling in love is not an extension of our ego boundaries it is a partial or temporary collapse of them. However if we want to extend our limits we work on 'real love' - Real love is a permanent self-enlarging experience.

If falling in love is not real love then what is it? The sexual specificity of falling in love may lend itself to the survival of our species, if falling in love leads us to produce more children ten surely it is fair to assume this natural phenomena ensures the future of our species.

Or is falling in love something that fools our otherwise perspective mind into marriage? Many people who are happily or unhappily married would have thought twice if they realised the realism of the vows.
Living happily ever after as we read in the fairy tales is what many of us want when we get married. For every young man there is a young lady who is meant for him, and vise versa, it was predicted in the stars. In the real world it is different. Real love takes work. If we suddenly or gradually realise we are not the perfect match we must then decide on whether to work on our marriage further and turn it into true love, or live happily or unhappily ever after, or of course get divorced. Many times people will be in a unhappy relationship and still get married thinking the act of getting married will change their relationship but this is rarely the truth. Many people in marriage spend years trying to make a square block fit into a round hole, making relations work for the sake of their children, their home, their families etc...

Dependency

In love or dependent?

Many people confuse love with dependency. When people say I can't live without him/her and get depressed at the thought of being without their significant other, becomes incapacitatingly depressed or even take it to the dramatic step as in to consider suicide with the threat of the relationship ending, then this is not love. When one cannot not live without another, when one needs another to survive one becomes a parasite on that individual. There is no choice of freedom involved in your relationship, it is a matter of necessity rather than love. Love is the free exercise of choice. Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other.
Dependency is being unable to function without without the certainty of one being cared for by another. It is a manifestation of a mental illness or defect. Don't get me wrong, we all - each and every one of us - even if we try to pretend to others and to ourselves that we don't have a needs and feelings - all of us have desires to be babied, to be nurtured without any effort from ourselves.To be cared for by people stronger than us who have our interests truly at heart. No matter how strong we are, no matter how caring or responsible as an adult. If we look inside ourselves we will find we all occasionally want to be taken care of for a change. We all desire a mother or father figure. But for most of us it doesn't take over our lives. But when it does or it dictates the quality of our existence, then we do have something more than just dependency, needs or feeling, we are dependent. Specifically one who's life is ruled and dictated to by dependency needs, suffers from a psychiatric disorder known as 'passive dependent personality disorder' and id possibly the most common of all psychiatric disorders.

People with this disorder are so busy seeking love that they have no energy to give love. They are like starving people crying out and scrounging for food with no food of their own to give. They will always feel empty and always feel a part of them is missing. I remember leaving to go on a course to be a bar manager in Bournemouth many miles from where my marital home was. This meant I was to see little of my wife and three children for six months. Whilst I coped with the separation, little did I know our separation was a huge relief to my wife at the time. For quite some time my wife and I had been in a relationship with little love or affection. We functioned as a family for the world to see but, although we never had blazing arguments or fights the 'spark' in our relationship had gone. There was no fire in our hearts for each other in fact barely a flicker of a flame. Whilst I was away, my wife was far more relaxed and contented with life and felt that for some years she had been living a lie. She finally plucked up the courage to tell me how she felt. On hearing this I drove 80 miles back to see her to talk about our marriage and discovered she had thought about it long and hard and decided it best if we separated. I was understandably heartbroken, I was absolutely devastated and cried almost all of the 80 miles whilst driving back to work considering what had just happened. Although I was angry, I had no real reason to be angry with my wife because the relationship had ended as a true loving relationship years earlier. neither of us were that interested in each other sexually or emotionally. What really hit me was losing my family. My role of a husband and father felt like it had been taken from me and all of a sudden I was not needed. I was dependent on having a family. Without my family I was nothing. Though the love for my wife had diminished the love for my children had not. The thought of not being around for my children and equally them being there for me was the cause of most of my tears and pain. I found out how dependent I was of my family but over time realised that being dependent was the reason my family stayed together for so long. But being unhappy together for so long benefitted neither me, my wife or our children.

Some people go from relationship to relationship looking for love. It seems as soon as they leave one relationship the 'need' to find another sometimes within days. Many of these relationships seem ill-matched pairings from the outset. Really attractive, intelligent and successful people will date and fall in love with people who are less attractive, less intelligent and less successful because they are dependent on being loved and in a relationship. Although in hoping that the new partner however unwell suited they will change. Most of these relationships are short lived and unhappy and in fact drive away the people who are more suitable. The cycle only ends when the person becomes less dependent and learns to wait for the right person to come along.

If all you desire from life is love, if all you really want is to be loved by someone who will really care for you and if you have little desire of holding down a challenging job, creating a work of art, making a contribution to the community, then the notion of effort has not entered your daydreams. If being loved is your goal you will fail to achieve it. The only way to be assured of being loved is to be worthy of love, and you cannot be worthy of love if your primary objective in life is to be loved. This is not to say that dependent people don't do things for others, but their motive in doing things for others normally is to assure their own care. And when the possibility of care for another is not directly involved they do have a great difficulty in doing things. Even in these modern times when when men and women are excepting equal rights, In marriage there is usually there are usually jobs the man does and jobs the woman does. Ie; the man puts out the bins, does the gardening, fixes the car etc... and the woman will do the cooking, the washing of clothes and the house cleaning. Occasionally healthy couples will do a bit of role reversal from time to time to surprise the partner. So one time the wife may come home on her birthday and find that a romantic meal has bean cooked or the man will come home and find the wife has cut the grass. It is a loving gesture that adds a bit of variety or spice to the relationship. This happens in loving relationships but consciously or as part of the subconsciousness this can be preparation to guard against separation. A couple in a unhealthy or dependent relationship the roles are more rigid. And instead of adding the flexibility they need to know that their role is set in stone. By doing this they diminish each others freedom, making it more difficult for one or the other to leave the marriage through fear of not being able to cope alone. For example the wife may never drive a car and even develop a phobia against driving allegedly because of a minor accident and therefore becomes totally dependent on her husband. Not being able to drive gives her lots of reasons to be dependent on her husband. Because of not being able to drive she cannot get about to meet new people, he could not have an affair because he was to busy taking her shopping and driving the children to school and to their various clubs and after school activities. Through this behaviour relationships may seem secure and lasting but the security is purchased at the price of freedom and stops the individual growth of the partners. A good marriage can only exist between two strong and independent people.

The dependency originates from a lack of love. The emptiness people suffer often stems of a direct result of their parents failure to fulfill their needs of affection, attention to detail during their childhood. Yes I know I am back to the issue of parenting. Believe me I am not pointing the finger at parents of dependent children, or the people who have struggled through their childhood . I am far from a perfect parent. In writing this blog I am finding out how I may have been better as a parent over the years and how to be a better parent in the future. Take from this blog what you want, if it helps you or your children in any way then it has served it's purpose.
Children who are loved and cared for with relative consistency throughtout childhood enter adulthood with a deep-seated feeling that they are lovable and valuable and therefore will be loved themselves. Children who have grown up in an atmosphere in where love and care was lacking or was given with inconsistency enter adulthood with no such sense of inner security, rather they have a sense of insecurity and question whether they are lovable and valuable. It is no wonder that they will take love where ever they can find it, and once having found it cling to it with a desperation that leads to more unloving, manipulating behaviour that destroys the very relationship they are trying to preserve. Does this remind you of anyone? It is certainly bringing people to my mind. Passive dependent people lack self discipline, They are unwilling to delay gratification of their hunger for attention. They throw honesty to the winds. They cling to out worn relationships when they should give them up. Most importantly , they lack a sense of responsibility for themselves. They look to others for their happiness and fulfillment. and therefore when they are not happy or fulfilled others are responsible. Consequently they are endlessly angry because they endlessly feel let down by others who can never in reality fulfill their needs or 'make' them happy. This is the reason many dependent people turn to drugs and alcohol, they know drugs and alcohol will never let them down. If you read my blog 'how drugs and alcohol affected my life' you will know I am talking from experience.

In Summary dependency may appear to be love because it is a force that causes people to fiercely attach themselves to one another, but actually it's not love, it has it's foundations in parental failure. It seeks to receive rather than to give and it nourishes regression rather than growth. It works to constrict and trap rather than help and grow but ultimately destroys rather than builds relationships and destroys rather than builds people

Cathexis Without Love

Cathexis is the investment of emotional significance. In the context of this blog it means that people can put in all the emotional feelings into a relationship and build up the same attachments to a partner/husband/wife without the vital ingredient of love.

One of the aspects of dependency is that it is unconcerned with spiritual growth. Dependent people are interested in their own nourishment but no more. They desire to be happy but not to grow nor are they able to tolerate unhappiness, the loneliness or the suffering involved in growth. Dependent people care only that the other is there to satisfy them. As children we are dependent on our parents and I believe that most of us as we travel through life become more secure in ourselves enabling us to give more love to others. As a child my life revolved around me. When I think back I can visualize my life in my early years and remember thinking it was all about me. Not only through my childhood but into my early adulthood. As a youngster I always wondered whether I would get a job when I finished school, whether I would ever have a girlfriend, whether I would pass my test and be able to own a my own car. When thinking about the atrocities that might happen to the world like a nuclear war my thoughts would not be concerned with how it would affect anyone else but how would I cope if the everyone else in the world died. What would happen if I was alone with no-one to care for me. When I first moved to Banbury I joined a boxing club and soon realised I was the best in Banbury in fact I was the best in the the Home Counties and went on to win the Home Counties championships on five occasions. I joined a boxing club called Willy Fruend and believed with good reason as far as I was concerned, that I was the best there, at any weight division. I got all the attention from the trainer and received the most help in the way of coaching. I went on Home counties squad training camps and as far as I was concerned I deserved it. I was putting Banbury on the map. I was in the papers because I deserved the right because of my superior boxing skills. I felt I was the hottest prospect so I deserved the best training. I was special. I was clever enough not to brag about how special I was because I had enough people doing this for me so I could remain modest. Everything was me, me, me and I, I, I,

I didn't for a moment realise that if there wasn't a boxing club in Banbury that I wouldn't be so special. I didn't for a second imagine that I was winning because my trainer was helping to improve my boxing skills with one on one sessions and sending me on squad training camps. I didn't consider the fact that I had been entered into the Home counties championships due to the work my trainer had put into my training. There were lots of factors I 'depended' on to allow me achieve what I did but i couldn't see them. I guess I appreciate the help I had now because I am now the trainer and not the boxer. I now see the work that was put in by others to help boxers achieve what they do. I also understand how dependent I was. As I have matured I now find far more pleasure in helping others than being helped. I find giving love at the very least equal to being loved. As a boxer I could never imagine being a trainer because all the glory goes to the boxer. As a trainer I have far more pleasure changing lives than I did when I was winning titles. I will win far more titles through my boxers than I did as a boxer, but what is much more important to me now is that is that I feel I am giving something back by helping change the lives of others. By loving what I do it is easy for me to love myself and the same time giving love is far more rewarding and easy to do.

It could be worse

Most of us have had jobs that are 'a means to an end' a job that pays the bills. The job has good days and bad days but overall we would rather not be there. It could be a really well paid job that does more than pay the bills and affords you two holidays abroad each year, a fancy car and a nice house. But how many people love their job? How many people spend their days clock-watching and waiting for their days work to end? How many people know they are comfortable in their job but would like a change but feel they can't? How many are actually unhappy but feel trapped by their jobs and although they are not loving their job know that they couldn't cope without it because there may not be another job out there that will give them the same support? How many of us DEPEND ON OUR JOBS?

Self Sacrifice

In his book 'The Road Less Travelled' Dr M Scott Peck talks of his experiences with his patients. One such patient was a minister who had devoted his life to his family to ensure his family were cared for more than he was. This is Peck's story: A minister reluctantly came to me because his wife suffered from chronic depression and both of his sons had dropped out of college and were living at home receiving psychiatric attention. Despite the fact that his whole family was 'ill' he was completely unable to comprehend that he might be playing a role in their illness. 'I do everything in my power to take care of them and their problems' I don't have a waking moment when I am not concerned about them. Analysis of the situation revealed that this man was working himself to the bone to meet the demands of his wife and children. He had given his sons new cars and paid for the insurance on them even though he felt his sons should be putting more effort in and being more self supporting. Each week he took his wife to either the opera or Theatre even though he intensely disliked going to the city and opera bored him to death. Busy though he was on his job he spent most of his time at home picking up after his wife and sons. who had a total disregard for house cleaning. 'Don't you get tired of laying yourself out for them all the time?' I asked him 'of course he replied 'but what else am I to do? I love them and I have to much compassion not to take care of them. My concern for them is so great that I will never allow myself to stand by as long as they have needs to be filled. I may not be a brilliant man but at least I have love and concern'.

Interestingly it emerged that his own father had been a brilliant scholar of considerable renown, but also an alcoholic and a philanderer who showed total lack of concern for the family and was grossly neglectful of them. Gradually my patient was helped to see that as a child he had vowed to be as different from his father as possible, to be as passionate and concerned as much as his father was heartless and unconcerned. He was even able to understand after a while that he had a tremendous stake in maintaining an image of himself of being loving and compassionate, and much of his behaviour, including his career in the ministry, had been fostering this image. What he did not understand so easily was the degree to which he was infantilizing his family. He continually referred to his wife as 'my kitten' and to his fully grown strapping sons as 'my little ones' 'how else can I behave?' he pleaded 'I may be loving in the reaction to my father but that doesn't mean I am going to become unloving or turn myself into a bastard.' What he literally had to be taught was that loving is a complicated and not a simple activity, requiring the participation of his entire being. - his head as well as his heart. Because of his need to be unlike his father as possible he had not been able to develop a flexible response system for expressing his love. He had to learn that not giving at the right time was more compassionate than giving at the wrong time, and that fostering independence was more important than taking care of people who could otherwise take care of themselves. He even had to learn that expressing his own needs, anger resentments and expectations was every bit as necessary to the mental health of his family as his self sacrifice, and therefore that love must be manifested in confrontation as much as in acceptance.

Gradually coming to realize how he infantalized his family, he began to make changes. He stopped picking up after everyone and became openly angry when his sons did not adequately participate in the care of the home. he refused to continue paying for the insurance on his sons' cars telling them that if they wanted to drive they must start paying it themselves. He suggested his wife should go to the opera alone in New York. In making these changes he was putting himself at risk of becoming the 'bad guy' and had to give up the omnipotence of his former role as a provider for all the needs of the family. But even though his former behaviour had been motivated primarily by a need to maintain an image of himself as a loving person, he had at his core a capacity for genuine love, and because of this capacity he was able to accomplish these alterations in himself. Both his wife and his sons reacted to the changes initially with anger. But soon one son went back to college and the other found a more demanding job and got an apartment for himself. His wife began to enjoy her new independence and to grow in ways of her own. The man found himself becoming a more effective minister at the same time his life became more enjoyable.

Love is not a feeling

Love is not a feeling. Whilst falling in love can be seen as a sexual emotion crucial to the survival of our species, true love requires action. An alcoholic may sit at a bar with tears in his eyes and spend his days telling the barman how much he loves his family, as the barman sympathises with him whilst taking his money for his drinks. But the alcoholic will have his family at home yearning for his love and attention. Telling the barman about his love for his family may ease his guilt. But in reality this is self-serving and maybe somewhere in his subconsciousness, telling the barman the story of his love for his family it will get back to his family, making it acceptable for him to have more drinks.

TIME OUT!!!!

Are we allowed to swear on blogs???? The current blog I am writing is a blog mainly based on a book called The Road Less Travelled by M Scott Peck. The book is described as a 'Perfect new year reading for these spiritually searching times' by the Independent on Sunday.

Whilst I write with the hope of inspiring others this blog has forced me to take a closer look at my life and how family, friends, associates and antagonists over the years have affected my life. What this blog should be doing, and hopefully will continue doing, is to help us understand who we are and, with a bit of luck and some serious soul searching, help us to make decisions that will help us lead a more fulfilling life. In all honesty it has really messed with my head and made me ask questions I never wanted to ask of people I love. I wasn't really searching for anything spiritual I was happy with my ignorance. I just wanted to write a blog that might help or inspire someone. But I know now ignorance hurts people, not least myself and those closest to me. I understand that although I have love for people I don't show it nearly enough. I am trying not to be judgemental but feel I am like a recent non-smoker telling other smokers how wrong they are to smoke. I have been told so many times that I am too open and let too many people into my life. I also know that the people I trust most are honest people. And if you want people's trust you must be seen as honest and trustworthy. It is far easier to be open and honest with people who are open and honest with you. We don't trust politicians why? Because we don't believe what they tell us. We trust very few people in power or in government because we know in our heart of hearts they are all paid to tell lies and lead us to believe what they want us to believe. When I go to do talks at primary schools and schools for the physically and mentally challenged I no pretty much that what you see is what you get with virtually no deception. Don't get me wrong I am not an angel there are things I have said and done in the past that I wish I hadn't said and done and wouldn't do again or talk about. Before you dwell on that statement I have done far more things that I am proud to tell everyone about!

For virtually every chapter of this blog I have recognised people I know who have been affected by the subject matter, some people I have loved and other people I have lost, people I felt I should have helped and people I wish would have loved me more. I know of people who seem to have lost their way in life and I want to help but can't. The blog has caused me to smile and cry and it has reminded me of some of the highest and lowest moments in my life. It has caused me so much frustration and I am hoping that will inspire me to make better choices in the future.

This time out is a direct result of the blog catching me at a rare low point but is part of my own personal growth.

Work of attention

So I have written a lot about what love is not. So lets examine what love is. Love is moving on from falling in love, the kind of sexual love that is vital for the continuation of our species. True love comes when we extend ourselves, when we take that extra step or walk that extra mile. Love is a work of courage and requires work. Love is not a selfish action it is an act of not nourishing ones own spiritual growth but also the spiritual growth of another or others.

By far the most common way we can show we are paying attention is by listening. How many times can you remember when you are talking to someone then suddenly realised you are not being listened to? How many times has it been clear that he the person you are talking to has stopped listening to you and is waiting for their turn to talk? How does it feel when you have just poured your heart out hoping for a response only to find out the person you were trying to get through to was in a world of their own?

We spend an enormous amount of time listening, most of which we waste, because on the whole most of us listen poorly. When I read, and discover information I never understood before I want to share it with the world. But what often happens is I forget to listen and foolishly end up preaching the 'Gospel according to Dave Earle'. I fail to realise that others may have just as interesting and just as relevant information as the information I have. How much interest do we have in people who have no interest in us? Very little I should imagine. To fully understand what someone is trying to tell us we must listen intently. Sometimes it may be very difficult if the information is complex or the talker is not clear in what they are trying to explain. So concentration is needed and we may have to 'read between the lines' somewhat. A good listener will benefit far more than someone who is not prepared to listen. The subjects we find interesting are the subjects we pay more attention and are more ready to work at listening to making the information much easier to digest.

Small talk

The process of listening to children differs depending on the age of a child. For the present lets consider a six year old. Given the chance the six year old will talk non-stop. How can parents deal with this never ending chatter? perhaps the easiest way is to forbid it. Believe it or not there are families in which the children are virtually not allowed to talk, and these parents have always been told 'children should be seen and not heard', and this applies 24 hours a day. This seriously effects the child's relationships with all adults. A second way is to permit the chatter but simply not listen to it, so that that child is not interacting with you but is simply talking to thin air to himself or herself creating background noise that may or may not be annoying. A third way is to pretend to listen, proceeding along as best as you can with what you are doing or with your train of thought while appearing to give the child attention and occasionally making sounds like 'uh huh' an 'ok that's nice' to fit in where they sound suitable. A fourth way is selective listening, which is a particular alert form of pretending to listen, where the parent listens when it seems that the child is saying something of significance, hoping to separate the wheat from the chaff with minimum effort. The problem with this way is that the human mind's capacity to filter selectively is not terribly competent or efficient, with the result of a fair amount of chaff remains and a great deal of the wheat is lost. The fifth and final way is to truly listen to the child, giving him or her your full attention, weighing each word and understanding each sentence.

These five ways of responding to the talking of children have been presented in ascending order according to effort., with the fifth way, truly listening, requiring from from the parent a quantum leap of energy compared with the less effortful ways. You may suppose that I will be recommending that the only way to listen to children is the fifth way and always truly listen to your children. Hardly! Firstly six year old's will talk for ever, given a chance, so the parent would have little time for anything else, and it would be unbelievably boring as, as much as we might love them, six year old chatter is generally boring. What is therefore required is a balance of all five ways. As harsh as it sounds there are times we need to tell a six year old to shut up, when for instance there talk is distracting in situations that you critically require your attention, or when it may represent a rude interruption in an attempt to achieve hostile or unrealistic dominance. Frequently six year old's will chatter for the sake of chattering and clearly need no interruption and are obviously happy in their own little world talking to themselves. At these times closeness and interaction is more important than communication. Furthermore the child may want to drift in and out of communication and will be understanding of their parents selective listening. A balance of the five listening modes is needed but many parents do not find the time or are unwilling to expend the energy on their children. Perhaps some parents believe they are truly listening when all they are doing is pretending to listen? Sometimes a parent has to put aside 'child time' however brief it may be so that the child feels valued.

Just 5 Of The Reasons Why Listening To Our

Young Children Is Essential

Our willingness to listen is the best possible concrete evidence that we can give our children that we respect them. By giving our children respect our children themselves will know they are valued and will feel Valuable
The more our children feel valuable, the more they will say things of value
The more we listen to our children, the more we will realise that amongst the stutterings and the seemingly innocent chatter, our children do indeed have interesting things to say. Listen to your children enough and you will come to realise that our children are quite extraordinary people. And the more extraordinary we realise they are, the more we will want to listen and learn
The more we know about our children the more we will be able to teach. Know little about our children, and usually we will be teaching them things they either already know or understand
The more children know we value them, that we consider them extraordinary people the more willing they are to listen to us and afford us the same respect, and the more they learn the more extraordinary they become.

If you have read my blog 'Be all you can, because you can' You will know how the love of parents has helped create great achievers from young children. These children include Mozart, Tiger Woods, and the tennis players Serena and Venus Williams

Being there is often enough

The need for us to listen to our children is never out grown. We all have times as adults when we need to talk to our parents. I know I wish my parents were here for me still. My mother died in her forties so never got a chance to meet my children, her grandchildren and my father passed away when my eldest was four and my middle son was only a year old my youngest son was born two years after my father died. Fortunately they did and still do have grandparents on their mothers side. I wish I had my parents to talk to about my children's lives my life and could share all what I love about life with them. Even at the age of 48 I wish they were here watching us all grow up. I am so proud of my children and would love for my parents to be proud too. I would love to be sat in my dad's living room telling him how my children were excelling at school, playing for their local football teams and doing well with their chosen careers. We all like to be listened to and know we are loved. My Father never knew I got to be a Town Councillor or that I will be carrying the Olympic torch I would love to have been able to share these things with him. What I am in a position to do now is share my children's experiences and watch them grow. I feel lucky that I have a strong bond with my children. When they were younger I used to find time to watch them play football in all weathers, and even had a role in the football club as a fitness coach, but now my two younger children are living an hours drive away now so I see less of them than I did, so I now ensure that when they come over I spend time with them. It is usually at the gym or I make time to play snooker at the local snooker hall. We are not great snooker players but playing snooker gives me a chance to have some father son chat. I can find out how they are getting on at school, what their ambitions and interests are. There are so many thing we talk about. I think of my father and wish I knew more about him. I know very little of his time in Jamaica and not an awful lot about his life here. He has told me some great stories but now he has gone I wish I knew more about him. I want my children to know who I am, I also want to know them and through communicating and truly listening to each other our love will grow.

This blog has just reached the 10,000th view Whilst I am very happy about that fact and even more happy that people have either inboxed me or left messages on my Facebook wall saying how the blog has helped them, what pleases me most that is when those closest to me read it. Real love is when someone takes time out to do something without being asked. I could quite easily bully or plead with those closest to me to read it but it wouldn't be the same. One son said to me that when he is reading it he knows it's from me because I write the way I talk. He doesn't know how much that means to me. What it means is that he listens to me intently and as far as I am concerned that is love! The message I am trying to shout out is 'take an interest in your loved ones, don't wait to be asked'. By the way if you are enjoying this blog tell your friends to have a look especially if you feel they may benefit from it. If you are not enjoying it I am not Dave Earle and this is spam.

Listening requires us to stop what we are doing totally and set it aside whilst we share an experience with our children. We do this as part of the work of loving. As much as we might not see eye to eye on a subject it would be unloving not to listen to our child's point of view and instead just dismissing it as wrong or uninteresting. By doing this we create a more open and loving relationship. A relationship that will grow and allow our children the luxury of being able to come to us with any issues without fear of being ridiculed.

Whilst it is true that ones capacity to listen may improve gradually with practice, it never becomes effortless. I often find myself talking to people about the importance of listening and then just carry on talking. is that irony? I deal with many people at the gym who have what we call now 'social problems'. These problems cover a huge spectrum and I can not always help, but I will always listen. But listening as, I just wrote, is not effortless and sometimes after listening intently to a persons issues they may mention something that reminds me of something that is going on in my life and my mind will wander from what they are saying and onto something else. I feel it it always important at this time to explain that my mind has wandered rather than pretend I was listening. If I pretend I was listening then I may have missed something specific that I could help with so I will always explain that my mind wandered and ask them to repeat what they just said. What this does is remind the person that you are only human and can drift off but more importantly shows you are truly listening and are interested in finding out everything that they have said.

My son Mikey with Brad. He tells me this attracts the women?

Whilst listening is the far most important form of attention other forms of loving are necessary in loving relationships, particularly with children. One is game playing. With an infant it will be peek-a boo, this little piggy and pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake. With a six year old it might be hide and seek, tag or magic tricks and with a twelve year old they may want to play cards, play badminton or maybe a game of chess. My eldest son is now 21 and when at primary school, for one reason or another found himself nearly two years behind with his studies. Clearly concerned myself and his mother tried everything we could to help him catch up. A combination of after school tutoring with a private teacher to help him with his Maths and English and him joining a local football team to help with his confidence did the trick. At seven years old he started playing for a boys team called Chasewell. I became the fitness trainer for the club and along with many other parents attended all training sessions and most of the the games he competed in. He eventually caught up at school, passed all of his GCSE's and took on part time jobs before joining the Thames Valley Police. He now plays football for Banbury United reserves and occasionally has a run out with the first team. Everybody tells me what a lovely lad he is and it fills me with pride. Considering I was concerned for his future when he was at primary school I am so happy he has turned into such a great lad with lot's of ambition. It just shows that with love from us as parents coupled with his hard work anything is possible. Every time I see Mikey he seems happy and if he is happy then I am happy.

“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”

John Lennon

A final word on the work of attention
Attention can be anything from helping a child with their homework, going to the movies, having picnics, going camping, sitting on the beach chatting whilst looking out to sea, taking them to music festivals or for just long drives in the country stopping of at coffee shops or museums. Our children thrive on attention, as they get older the attention just changes. We might teach our children to drive a car, abseil, help them with application forms or help them choose a suitable university. Some things may be boring to us and require work, but work is love and if we love people the work is worth it.

Confronting and solving problems is a painful process which most of us attempt to avoid

2012-02-11T10:20:00.000-08:00

Since I discovered reading a couple of years ago my eyes have been opened to a whole new world. I feel I can now converse at a different level and communicate better at all levels. I don't know if it true of a few or many people, but I used to find talking to people of, lets say, a higher standing uncomfortable. I could talk fluently and comfortably with people I felt were of equal intelligence or lower intelligence, children or pensioners who seemed easy to talk to because they seemed caring and less judgmental. But felt awkward and even intimidated when talking to educated people and people in authority.

Money doesn't maketh the man

The kind of books I read are books I feel will help me in my daily life. As a gym owner I have met so many people of differing backgrounds. I have members who are bank managers, motor racing drivers, care workers, office workers, policemen, the unemployed, company directors etc... 3 years ago a man asked me if I could find him two doorman for a village ball. I said I would but forgot and when he came to me to confirm I had two doormen for him I had to apologise and asked him how many people were attending the ball. He said around 250 people. So I said "no problem I will do it". I arrived at the ball early on the Saturday night and was told the ball was a charity function that was held each year in memory of a youngster in the village who died from cancer and it was to raise money for the cancer trust. I had previously held a ball myself so knew there was little likelihood of any trouble. I think I was only asked to be a doorman to stop uninvited guests coming in. The biggest difference between my ball and the ball I was supervising was the amount of money raised for each auctioned item. The same items they auctioned raised a lot more than than they did at my auction. A golf ball could raise £250 at this auction! As I got to know people at the ball I realized that these people were far wealthier than those who attended my ball in Banbury. But what surprised me was that they were no different. Many of us have the view that people 'with money' look down on the people without. We often imagine wealthy people as being 'stuck up' But I found it quite the opposite. I am not saying they were all the loveliest of people as I didn't talk to every one, I am just saying the people I spoke to, some of whom were extremely wealthy, were no different to the people I meet on a day to day basis in Banbury. I believe money magnifies personalities. If you are a generous loving person with no money you will become more loving and more generous person with more money. If you are a miserable nasty and uncaring person with no money you will become more miserable, more nasty and more uncaring with money.

As I said at the beginning of the last paragraph "the kind of books I read are books I feel will help me in my daily life. Though I understand why people read novels, I am not the sort of man who will buy a novel to escape from life. Reading to me is an education and the more I read the more equipped I feel to to my job.
The book I have started to read now is 'The Road Less Travelled' by M.Scott Peck. This book sold ten million copies. The book suggests ways in which facing our difficulties - and suffering through the changes - can help us reach a higher level of understanding. and of course lots more. Some of what I will be writing may seem personal to some of the readers of this blog, but will be the words of M Scott Peck. I would never intentionally undermine anyone.

Discipline

Once we accept life is difficult then life is no longer difficult there are just problems that need to be sorted. Once these problems are sorted that particular problem is no longer a pain. Rest assured though that another problem will occur, such is life. Every time we solve a problem we grow. But what most of us do is ignore the problem or just hope it goes away or pretend it doesn't exist. By avoiding problems we create more problems which can lead to pain. I know by ignoring threatening letters in the past instead of dealing with them has resulted in me having the bailiffs knocking on my door and my electricity being turned off. That was painful and somewhat embarrassing. There is a certain sense of achievement we get knowing we have accomplished something we dreaded and we often find it wasn't as dreadful as we expected. I openly admit I procrastinate and realise that I have to change. It is a process I am going through and I have to say I am enjoying.
Dealing with problems and avoiding the pain
Delaying gratification, acceptance of responsibility, dedication to truth and balancing:

All of the above require extensive training? Not at all. Most of us achieve this by the age of ten and hold on to these skills until we are 15 or 16. At 10 most young children will do things (homework, housework etc...) to get them out of the way so they can play, even if this is under the instruction of our parents. Most children will want to do the unpleasant first so they can enjoy the rest of their day. Delaying gratification is a process of scheduling the pain and pleasure of our lives. Children will often tell a friend to take a turn first so they may get there turn later. By the time children are 15 or 16 this has often changed. I know it has in my house. What we often do from 15 or 16 is put things off til later. Washing up will get done just before we go to bed, home work will be done after we have done what we want to do, and then it is rushed or not done at all. It is the 'play now pay later' motto. It is clear now that many children however fall short of this norm. Whilst many youngsters have developed the delaying gratification many fall well short and have never mastered it even as 10 year old children. These are the problem students. Despite their average or better intelligence their grades are poor simply because they do not work. They skip classes or skip school entirely. They can be impulsive and this impulsiveness often spills over into their social lives. Some will get into frequent fights, become involved in drugs and even get into trouble with the police. Play now pay later is their motto so they are spoke to by social workers and psychotherapists but most of the time it seems too late. They drop out of school and will avoid all important and painful issues and then get dosed up on drugs to control their behaviour.

A life in prison?

When all this fails they continue this pattern into their adult lives which will often end in disastrous marriages, in psychiatric hospitals or in jail. These are not my words but the words of M Scott Peck but I can relate to these issues and know of people who have taken this track. My job is to ensure I stop a few taking this route. The next chapter will be about why this happens and may not be pleasant reading for some... bye for now

So as I was asking earlier. Why is this? Why do some children succeed and others fail. There are no scientific explanations, the role of genetic factors are unclear. Most signs point to the quality of parenting as Being the determinant.

Ultimately Love Is Everything

Naughty step

I have had many a discussion over the years with people about discipline of children. My argument has always been if a child is naughty then a slap on the bum will bring them into line. Just as a lion might give a swipe of his paw to one of his cubs that wanted to stray away from the pack. My reasoning was that we do it to protect our kids from danger, whether it be from the open fire or traffic on the street. I have 3 boys and have smacked two of them once and never smacked the youngest who is now 15 so he is safe from smacking. I was also smacked once by my father and that was enough for me. So I guess I just carried the 'one smack' tradition down. The new way to discipline children seems to be naughty steps and reasoning with children. What is clear to me is that children need discipline and boundaries

Many of the unself-disciplined children are not lacking parental discipline at home. More often than not these children are punished frequently and severely throughout their childhood - slapped, punched, kicked, beaten and whipped by their parents. But this discipline is meaningless because it is undisciplined discipline. One reason why it is meaningless is that the parents themselves are unself-disciplined, and therefore serve as undisciplined role models for their children. They are do as I say not as I do parents. They may frequently get drunk in front of their children They may fight with each other in front of their children without restraint, dignity or rationality. They may be slovenly. They may make promises they don't keep. Their own lives are frequently and obviously in disorder and disarray, and their attempts to order their lives of their children seem therefore to make little sense to these children. If a father beats up his mother regularly, what sense does it make to a boy who's mother beats him up because he beat up his sister? Does it make sense when he is told he is told he must control his temper? Since we do not have the benefit of comparison when we are young, our parents are godlike figures to our childish eyes. If a child sees a parent day in day out behaving with self discipline, restraint, dignity and a capacity to order their own lives, then the child will feel that this is the way to live. If a child sees his parents day in day out behaving without self-discipline, restraint, dignity and a capacity to order their own lives, then the child will feel that this is the way to live.

Yet even more important than role modelling is love. For even in chaotic and disordered homes like mine, and I mean low income six kids chaotic, love was always present. Many big families have lots of love in their homes and many people from big families go on to have big families themselves to recreate that same love and often will still produce self disciplined families. Yet there are people that we all see who come from parents who are successful, for example doctors, solicitors, headmasters etc.. who are organised, live their lives with strict guidelines yet lack love who send children into the world who are undisciplined, destructive and un-organised as any child from an impoverished or chaotic home.

Spending time encouraging our children

Ultimately love is everything. When we love something it is of value to us, and when something is of value to us we spend time with it, time enjoying it and taking care of it. When I had my 1970 VW beetle, I washed her ever time she got dirty and polished her on a weekly basis, I put stripes on 'her' to resemble her famous sister Herbie, She had bucket seats , wide alloy wheels, in short she was a beautiful car and yes... I loved her and every time I walked away from that car I had to look back at her and admired her.... I loved that car, until it got shot but that is a different story altogether. I had a similar love affair with a Nissan Patrol. Many older people are the same with their gardens. I have an elderly friend who lives near to me who has a beautiful garden, and can be seen attending to it every weekend, pruning his roses, mowing and edging his lawns, weeding his flower beds then standing back and admiring it. So it is when we love children; we spend time admiring them and caring for them we give them our time.

Good discipline requires time. When we have no time to give our children, or no time we are willing to give, we don't even observe them closely enough to see when their need for our disciplinary assistance is expressed. Do we finally decide it is easier to let them have their own way or 'I haven' got the energy to deal with them today' or we are finally so annoyed with their behaviour and we are so irritated we impose discipline out of anger rather than deliberation, without examining the problem or even taking time to what form of discipline that is most appropriate to that particular problem. The parents who give their time to their children even when the child has not been behaving badly, but they are just giving subtle advice to stop a situation getting out of control, will have better results. These parents will see when their children tell little fibs, see how they eat their cake, when they run away from problems instead of facing them, and will give subtle reminders before the fibs turn into bigger lies and the problems they are running away from become bigger issues. Loving parents sit down listen and respond to their children, tightening a little here, loosening a little there, giving little lectures, little stories and little hugs. I still hug all my children and they are 15, 17, 18 and 21 years old. So it is the quality of discipline that is important. Children are not blind to the difference between a loving and unloving parent. Telling children you love them over and over again instead of devoting quality time to them will not make them feel loved but may make them cling to them hoping that one day they will be loved.

The reason our children fail?

When a person decides it's time to seek professional help it is generally because they want to put their life back on track. They are consulting an expert who specializes in sorting out peoples problems. Psychiatrists have two types of patients to deal with. Patients who pass their responsibilities on to others ie; a spouse, a child, a friend a parent and employer, or something else; bad influences at schools, the government, racism, sexism, society, the system etc... In the past when I have told friends that I am struggling with my gym and the finances, they quickly jump to my defense and blame the economic climate. But is that really the reason? I think not. People who blame events and circumstances around them are seen to have 'character' disorders. The other type of patient psychiatrists deal with are patients who assume too much responsibility and are described as people with a 'neurosis' disorder. When neurotic people come across problems they automatically assume that they are at fault unlike the people with character disorders who assume it's the world's fault. If a neurotic person finds they can't get on with people they will automatically feel that there must be something wrong with themselves, rather than something wrong with the people they are not getting on with. ie; a woman may go to a school and found she did not fit in with the other parents who may be chatting happily to each other and would automatically assume their is something wrong with themselves rather than the group not being welcoming.

I am not quite ready to leave the subject of parenting, as dealing with problem children is a daily occurrence for me, so i will dip back in to the subject of how these 'disorders' might affect our children. At this point I would like to say that by inferring that people may have 'disorders' I am not putting anyone down. I think we all need to learn and will hopefully keep on learning and growing throughout our lives. To grow as parents we need to constantly assess and reassess our responsibilities. We have to understand all children have character disorders. Yesterday in the boxing class I caught two 11 year old boys misbehaving. .Before I had a chance to reprimand them they started blaming each other for the altercation each denying they were responsible. Similarly all children have neurosis. If a child is unloved the child will always consider themselves unlovable rather than see the parents deficient in their capacity to love. There are thousands of opportunities for parents to reassure their children and assure them that situations are not their fault. It requires the parents sensitivity to their children's needs and the willingness to take the time and often make the uncomfortable effort to meet those needs. I was a late bloomer in meeting girls and creating relationships with girls. I had my first girlfriend at 17 years old, and in reading what I have just written about realise that I was neurotic. I wonder now if coming from a broken home and being brought up by a loving dad who spent much of his time out in his lorry making money to house and feed us effected my confidence toward girls. Though I was close to my dad and I will always hold him as the important person I have ever known and loved, and we had lovely step mum's looking after me and my sisters I always wished I knew my father better in the early years of my childhood. It has taken this blog for me to ask this question. I never felt a girl would want to go out with me because of my looks and my colour. I was the second fastest boy in my class at school but never caught a girl when playing kiss chase. In my mind white girls would be too embarrassed to kiss a black boy and I was to scared to try so I would never try to catch them. Through looking at this problem and assessing and reassessing over the years I have now put this problem behind me realising colour isn't an issue and my looks seem to work just fine.

Simba and his cool dad

Neurotic Parents can be some of the best parents because of their willingness to assume responsibility. If their neurosis is mild and not overbearing on the children, but parents with a character disorder can make disastrous parents, blissfully unaware that they treat their children with destructiveness. It is said that neurotics make themselves miserable whilst character disordered people make everyone else miserable. The people who suffer most from the parents with a character disorder are their children, as in other areas of their lives they fail to assume adequate responsibility for their parenting. They tend to brush off their children in many ways, then when they fail at school they duck their responsibility and blame the school system. I have heard parents say "I only stay with him because of the kids" and "If it weren't for the kids I could have went to college and been a success" Some children are openly blamed for the parents failings and little does the parent know, the child accepts the responsibility. Many people I talk to say they will not treat their children the way their parents treated them. They have gone out of their way to ensure their children don't suffer the way they feel they did. The feedback from this blog has been incredible in the way that it seems to have reminded some parents of their personal childhood memories. It has also reminded me that I have much more to give to my children. I am in the unfortunate position of being separated from my children after my marriage break-up more than 10 years ago. Two of my children moved away with their mum and who remarried again, and now live an hours drive away. I am fortunate to have children who still love and come and see their dad. I love the fact my two older son's still want to be seen out with me and I even go clubbing with them. I remember being out on a Saturday night in Banbury at a night club. My eldest son came over to me, somewhat tipsy, and asked me what I was doing at the club. I told him I was going to the bar. He interlocked arms with me and said, "Dad you don't walk around the dance-floor you dance through it" So we danced through the dance floor and I made my way to the bar. Once I had my drink I made my way back to the dance-floor and found a spot where I could proudly watch my son strutting his funky stuff. I felt like Mustafa in the Lion King when he was stood on a rock looking down on Simba. On another occasion we danced together and he labelled me a 'two-step' dad...... I taught that boy how to dance!

There are many times that I have failed to do tasks just because I felt I couldn't. Especially electrical jobs. I will always wait until an electrician is available. Often the job is a simple job and once I have watched the person carry out the repair I have asked myself why I didn't do it myself instead of getting someone in to do it. Housing a gym in an Edwardian building means there are always jobs to be done. Fortunately I have gym members who are tradesman and between us we have collectively put in new floors, put in a tarmac drive, removed ceilings, changed the lighting, strengthened ceilings, put in new changing rooms etc... By helping in the maintenance of the building I have become more confident in taking on the smaller jobs that I once thought to big for me. Changing a wall plug socket is as easy as changing a plug, building a boxing ring was just like a big Meccano construction kit that I played with as a kid etc... I am now able to take more responsibility for the maintenance of m gym although I do need help occasionally.

One of many parks in Banbury

I remember creating a group called 'Dave Earle for lord mayor' on Facebook and the group gained more than 300 members, many giving reasons why I would make a good mayor. Before I had even applied for the position of 'Town Councillor' people were giving me advice and telling me what I should change in Banbury. People knew I already worked with youths and were telling me of their issues with the council regarding youths in their families. I applied to be a councillor and was elected into the council and given the title 'Youth Champion'. Before getting elected one lady asked me if I could arrange for some lighting for the skateboard ramps at Spiceball Park. She explained that someone in her

Roller 'D' still popular with children in Banbury

family was getting in trouble with the police and explained that if there were lights at the Spiceball Park ramps then he wouldn't be getting in trouble with the police because he could stay there longer in the winter when it was dark in the early evenings. People blame many problems on children having the lack of 'things to do' I remember when people were saying we have nothing in Banbury. If we want to go bowling we have to go to Leamington Spa 20 miles away and for go-karting it was even further away. The Council had to decide whether to get a bowling alley or go-karting. It was decided that the catchment area at the time was too small go-karting so we eventually got a bowling alley. So all the people who wanted go-karting were still complaining about there being nothing to do. They don't like bowling but they would love it if we have go-karting. We now have go-karting and bowling yet still parents and children are still saying "there is nothing to do in Banbury" go-karting and bowling are too expensive. There is a park in every neighbourhood with basketball courts/ football pitches, there are tennis courts open for public use, countless football clubs with A,B and C leagues so that all abilities are catered for, there is Roller D on Saturdays etc... we have iKidz (formally Whizzkidz) for younger children. I have one lad who comes to the boxing class at Spit n Sawdust after cubs and goes to football or Rugby after the boxing class on the same day. The media are on one hand saying there is not enough for children to do due to the lack of open spaces and in the next breath saying children are overdoing it by over-training and then stopping sports classes at schools. Then we have people complaining about children playing in the streets and hanging around in groups ('or gangs') being a nuisance and in the next breath saying they spend too much time playing computer games. THEY ARE OUR KIDS SO WE NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY!! Saying our children are getting in trouble because there is nothing to do is ducking our responsibilities.

Reality Check

If our lives are to grow we need to be honest with ourselves. Truth is reality and that which is false is unreal. The more clearly we see reality of the world the better equipped we are able to deal with life. The less clearly we see life, the less we are able to make the right decisions. Most of us make maps at an early age and know what we want to do and how we are going to get there. Some of us constantly changed our maps as youths. Experiences I share with my children show me that there are many things they want to be before they decide on what they really want as a career. My eldest being 21, nd although he is in a stable job with the police, after recent conversations, I am sure he is still unsure of where he wants to be in ten years time or how he will get there. Hopefully he will keep it real keep working towards what he desires accomplishing goals as he travels through life. I personally had ideas of what I wanted to as an adult but never really had a good enough map to get there. It could be said I sketched out my map,in what some might call the school of life, rather than drawing an accurate map. I then, without a map, spent twenty four years lost in the wilderness clock-watching at various uninspiring jobs before stumbling across what I wanted to do. Like me most people have small sketchy maps, their views on the world are narrow and misleading. By the end of middle age most people have given up the effort. They feel there maps are complete and they are no longer interested in new information. It is as if they are tired. Only the fortunate few go on exploring the mystery of reality.

The problem with map building is that we have to be prepared to constantly revise our map. Reality to a helpless child is not the same as reality to a parent, or the reality of a dependent elderly person. The world is constantly changing so we must learn to adjust with it. When you have children to care for the world looks a different place from when we have none, when we are raising infants the world looks a different place to when we are raising adolescents. When we are poor, the world looks a different place to when we are rich. We are constantly bombarded with different information as to the nature of reality. Changing our ways to incorporate the changes in reality can be difficult and sometimes painful. There are many reasons why this is difficult for some. If we look back on our childhood which we thought was a normal childhood but then on further examination found that our parents frequently let us down, this may affect us in later life. If we were let down by our parents forgetting our birthdays, forgetting to pick us from school, or promising us holiday or to help us with homework then after a while we feel this is normal behaviour and kind of get used to it and stop trusting our parents so life is more comfortable.. The trouble is this can start a cycle and we can repeat this behaviour. We will not realise the damage we are doing to our children because we don't realise we are doing it. mmm? get's you thinking doesn't it? How many of us say "It was good enough for me so it is good enough for you"? or It didn't do me any harm"? Was it good enough? did it do you any harm? If deep down we have lost the trust of our parents will this lead us to lose trust of others later in our lives, including partners, bosses and authority?

Need a break chat soon

When I write these blogs I hope to inspire people to make changes to their lives that will ultimately make life easier for themselves and the people around them. People have told me my blogs are inspiring? I am not sure how I inspire people or if I really do, but the idea that I do keeps me doing my job, as well as writing these blogs. At work, and come to think of it, outside work, I come across many troubled youths and some troubled adults and for me to understand and help people I first need to understand and know myself. I thought I knew myself but it is clear now that I have a long way to go before I understand myself completely, that's if I ever do. What I wrote in the last paragraph made me ask myself questions I never wanted to ask myself and doubt people I never wanted to doubt. But to grow we must know the truth and face reality. My truth is that I was the product of a single parent family. During my early childhood my father bought me and my two sisters up on a rough council estate in Coventry in the early 1970's. My mother and father split up when I was 5 years old due to .... their differences. I have little if any memories of my parents getting on well, but do remember some of the fights, physical and verbal, that they had. This is the difficult bit for me..... My dad loved us. I know he did because he always made sure we were looked after in our early years. When he was single, he ensured that when he went to work we attended school and when we finished school we had someone to look after us at home, even if it was our next door neighbour watching over us. During school holidays we would stay at an aunts and uncles houses or with my nan. If it was not possible we would all bundle into his lorry and go to work with him in his lorry, taking coal to and from Wales. Sometimes my sisters would stay around an aunts house and I would go with my dad to work and I LOVED IT! Just me and my dad. Proper bonding time.

Not a nice memory for me

My dad taught us to be proud and to stand up for ourselves. I remember that the colour of peoples skin was quite an issue in the 60's and early 70's and I always remember my dad telling us to be proud of our colour. My father was a 6ft 3inch (1.92m) former heavy weight boxer weighing in at over 18 stones (114kgs) It wasn't easy in a junior school where was no other 'brown people' and strangers in the street were calling you a golliwog and a nig-nog. Racism was rife and Coventry had it's fair share of race-riots. Not that I ever got involved. I remember their being lots of skinhead groups and they really scared me, I would not just cross the road when I saw a group I would take an alternative route. I didn't fancy being a victim of 'nigger bashing' As a child, repeating the phase in my head "saying it loud I'm black and I'm proud!!" wasn't easy when society seemed to be against me. With my father being a single working dad he was not always there when we wanted him to be. I can't remember seeing him at sports-days or at school at all. Even walking to school could be a mission due to racism. One lad who lived on Ashorne Close, used to set his dog on me, shouting Nigger to the dog and then pointed at me. I used to shit myself. Even the effing dogs were being trained to be racists! I got to be a very good runner though. Being proud of your colour when the television tells you that being black puts you at a disadvantage when applying for jobs and joining sports clubs, was very difficult. My dad also made lots of promises he found it difficult to keep, most of them involving time with us kids. I am sure at the time of making the promises he was sure he could honour the promises, but things happen. After a while you don't expect the promises to be kept and realise your dad won't be at sports day, and you know your dad won't be home when he said he would. The reality is that although my dad loved me, I wanted and needed a bit more love from him. I know this may anger my lovely sister Valerie who was arguably the closest to my dad when he died, but I believe this to be true. I feel that because I lost that trust in my dads promises that I found it hard to trust people in authority, I struggle with commitment in jobs and relationships. I have so many great memories of my dad and will hold them til the day I die. We all make mistakes and the truth is, unbeknownst to me til now, dad made a few too. I am still unsure whether I am making excuses for my failings in areas of my life, or have found the reason. Being true and honest to ourselves requires work, a lot of hard work. By with-holding the truth from ourselves we fail to move forward and grow as people. By telling ourselves untruths to mask a problem will not only damage ourselves but also hurt the people closest to us.

Why we freeze on the big occasion

2012-02-06T08:34:00.000-08:00

This blog is a continuation of the previous blog... 'Be all you can.... because you can!

Today's subject is the reasons we sometimes 'choke' Why when sometimes it seems easier to win do we fall apart doing the basics? I will tell you the time it happened to me and of course famous stories of people who have choked unexpectedly.

Greg Norman chokes in 1996

Before deciding to watch the golf yesterday, I thought I would just check with my 'info' button on my remote control to see how the tournament was progressing at the start of the final day's play. The 'info' told me that Spencer Levin was on the verge of winning, being seven shots ahead of his nearest rival. So I settled down to watch the formality of Levin winning his first PGA Tour title. What I witnessed was Spencer Levin going into meltdown and scoring four over par whilst virtually everyone else who was playing on Sunday scored under par. So what happened to Levin? and how did he manage to lose a tournament that he should have won comfortably? At the end of the tournament he said "I just didn't have it" The tournament was won by Kyle Stanley from eight shots back. Amazingly Stanley had held a seven-shot lead early in the final round of last week's Farmers Insurance Open and managed to lose that tournament? Similarly in final round of the 1996 in the US Masters, Greg Norman, nicknamed the 'Great White Shark', gave away a six shot lead to Nick Faldo. Faldo tried to comfort Norman at the end of the tournament by putting his hand on his shoulder saying "I don't know what to say, I feel horrible about what just happened. I am so sorry." People were saying about Norman that "He didn't want it enough" He was missing shots that should have been formalities, putts he could normally sink with his eyes closed.

I remember getting to the quarter finals of the British ABA finals and was boxing a lad called Smith. I knew he was a southpaw (led with the right hand) and was given instructions by my coach Ken Reynolds telling me basic moves to overcome the southpaw stance. "Straight right hands down the middle followed with left hooks and keep your left foot outside his leading right foot." I had never been past this stage of the championships before and was nervous but reasonably confident. I had trained hard and even was 'adopted' by my old friend 'Mac' who did all he could to ensure I was fully prepared for my fight. Mac was an elderly man who was mad on boxing, he used to come and watch me train and he wanted me to be in the best possible physical condition. He ensured I ate, slept and trained properly. Every night he would come and pick me up from work and take me back to his house in a village away from distractions. Mac fed me liver or steak each night and took me to work in the mornings, to training after and made sure I put in my roadwork, ensuring that I was properly prepared for my fight. I had never felt better, or been prepared better for any of my previous thirty plus fights. On the night of the fight I felt confident, right up until when the opening bell sounded. As soon as the bell had sounded I choked. I was trying to remember the instructions I had been told by Ken but my thought process was being constantly disrupted by my opponents punches landing in my face. I tried to keep my distance from him but found it difficult to throw any punches myself. Even my trusty left jab was slow and being countered. I could do nothing with any certainty. By the time the bell had sounded to end the first round I was a mile behind on points. Ken was giving me instructions for the next round but nothing was sinking in, nothing was making sense. I was the fittest I had ever been in my life yet had no energy, no speed and now no confidence. The bell went to start the next round and the only thing that was sinking in was Smiths punches. Part the way through the round I was cut above my eye and the referee stepped in and stopped the fight. It was not much of a cut but I think the referee could see I was never going to win this fight and pulled me out for my own safety. If a spectator had came to watch me for the first time that night they would have thought I had never boxed before. I was embarrassed. So many people had put their faith in me and I had let them and myself down but didn't no the reason.

Seddon Atkinson similar to what my dad taught me to drive in.
What I remember most was NO POWER STEERING!!

The reason for me choking was this... My sub-conscious mind over powered my conscious mind. When we sit behind the steering wheel of a car at our very first time we are told the basics of how to drive by our instructor. My instructor well actually it was my dad at first and it wasn't a car it was a 30 ton Seddon Atkinson lorry in a quarry. But moving on a couple of years.... after driving my own car 50 miles to Leicester and jumping out of my 1967 Riley Kestrel and into the Ford Escort Mark 2 'L'earner car for the first time I was amazed to see a brake pedal on the passenger side of the car. I guessed that was his 'just in case' brake. When we first start driving our 'conscious' thoughts go something like this "enter car, adjust seat, put on seat belt, check the mirror, make sure the car is in neutral, turn ignition to start the car, Depress clutch, engage first gear, check the mirror again, signal that you are about to drive away, lift your foot off the clutch whilst pressing down on the accelerator, feel for the bite, check the mirror again just to be sure and finally maneuver". All these are conscious thought that we repeat to ourselves until we are more competent drivers and they become unconscious thoughts and we do them without thinking. Then our conscious thoughts can be used to decide where we are going and what we might be doing when we get there etc...

When I first started boxing I was taught how to stand, where to hold my hands, how to deliver punches including variations of straights, hooks uppercuts and how to avoid being punched using blocks parries,slips and lay-backs etc. As I got more experienced these conscious thoughts became unconscious and I did them as a natural reaction to being in a boxing ring. Choking happens when an occasion gets to you. Under pressure we can over think and 'strangle' our unconscious thoughts by relying on our conscious thoughts. So instead of doing what comes natural, what we had spent years perfecting we start questioning our unconscious thought and making mistakes. So when I fought Smith I was actually trying too hard when I looked like I wasn't trying at all. I was thinking of how to box instead of just boxing. When a golf misses fairway after fairway off the tee, it is not because he is not trying. It is often because he is trying too hard, instead of trusting in his ability he may be continuously thinking about each component of his swing, then missing one component out causing a huge deviation in his shot.

The way I dealt with this was by taking the importance away from the activity. I reminded myself "its only boxing" I later competed on the world stage as a full combat kick-boxer but never again suffered from freezing on the big occasion. I told myself it's only kick-boxing, if I lose my life will be no worse off. It is much easier to compete when you take away the fear of losing. I still expected to win because of the work I put in, but losing was no longer a fear. In four years I lost only twice as a full contact kick-boxer, once in the World Championships and a controversial loss on points for the British title. In almost every other fight I won by knockout or the referee stopped the fight. Eventually I decided I was too old too compete. This left a huge hole to be filled. Like I mentioned in a previous blog when Jonathon Edwards realised the sport was more important to his life than he realised, I also felt that there was a void in my life. I was no longer British kickboxing champion. Being a former champion did not sit as well as being a champion. I loved the fact that I was seen as the best in the country and one of the best kick-boxers in the world but that was all history now. Just plain old Dave Earle ...... So I started my own fitness classes and eventually got my own gym and boxing club, producing champions of my own. I feel lucky to have been given a second chance. I hear some of the boxers at my gym say they could never be a trainer, and they would have to fight, they would feel like they should be in the ring fighting not be training someone to fight. they ask me if I miss competing. My answer to that question is "I used to feel the same way. The thing I liked about boxing was being a boxer, competing in a sport that my father competed in and making him proud. I enjoyed the winning, the travelling around the world, the friends I made and the respect I got from friends and strangers. I loved being fit and taking my top off and feeling good about the way I looked. There are so many good things to take from doing well at your chosen sport and I would recommend it to everyone. But I have to say I didn't particularly like the training and making weight, the pre-fight nerves, I hated losing and feeling like I had let people down and can honestly say I get as much satisfaction out of giving youngsters the same benefits I got from training and competing. I love the fact that I can pass my knowledge on with no fear of being punched or letting anyone down. Boxing has been kind to me, helped give me confidence, kept me fit and allowed me the pleasure running my own business. Would I do it all again? You better beleve it.

The conclusion is Black and White, and I thought it was genetics

For years I believed that my colour was the reason I was faster than my white friends at school. That being black meant I had more fast twitch muscle fibers making me more of an explosive runner. I believed that, because all Ethiopians, Kenyans and Jamaicans seemed to be the best runners and all the most famous world champion boxers were black, that I was naturally going to have an advantage over my white counterparts. (Even though of course my mother was white) I was convinced that through the knowledge I had picked up over the years from friends and even some books I had read, that the fact I had the blood of my father coursing through my veins, I was a natural athlete! All of my family were athletes, my dad was a successful boxer, my sisters all ran for the school and the county and were in the netball and hockey teams. It must have been because we were black. I went to a boxing club where their were 5 Christie brothers, Simon, Andy, Errol, Michael and Wesley they were BLACK and they were all national champions at boxing, and they were all the best in the gym at running, even better than me, but they were Blacker... Actually, I could beat Simon he was a lot younger... and a bit chubby.

So imagine how I felt recently after finding out it is nothing to do with colour or genetics. Over the course of the last century many tests were carried out to find out why blacks did so well in sporting events. It had long been considered that it was down to genetics. Scientists travelled all over the world trying to find out the reasons why, taking swab tests from Kenyan athletes in remote villages because The Kenyans were winning all of the races over 5000 meters and dominated the world cross country events. I often used to watch marathons and see three Kenyans and an Ethiopian battling it out for the gold silver and bronze medals so naturally assumed it was a 'black thang' (Kenya and Ethiopia are in East Africa) But for all the tests carried out by the scientists genetics never came up as a reason for the black superiority in sports. Looking more closely at the Kenyan distance runners it is found that virtually all the top runners came from the very small Nandi region of Kenya. So it wasn't a black phenomenon or even a Kenyan Phenomenon it was a Nandi Phenomenon. Jamaicans were slaves from East Africa and produce an incredible amount of top sprinters from an island with a population of less than 3 million, That is less than half the population of Greater London. Before the Kenyans were so dominant it was the Ethiopians who ruled distance running and before them we had a time when Finish and Swedish runners were top distance runners and they were VERY white, so the question is firmly raised against genetics and even colour. One clever man discovered that we are all genetically the same and the colour of our skin does not affect our God given abilities. He said we are like computers, inside we are all the same it is only the cases that are different.

Ussain Bolt Olympic Champ &
Jamaican World 100meters record holder

Lets take the Kenyans from the Nandi Region where most of the elite Kenyan runners are from. The Nandi region is at altitude. All top athletes run at altitude for training as it expands left ventricle of the heart allowing us to perform better at ground level than someone without altitude training. This gives the Nandi people a natural advantage when it comes to distance running whether it is against black people or white people. So that is one advantage, but lets consider where they live, or should I say how where they live might influence their running ability. Running for East African people is a means of transport, as public transportation is virtually non existent. The school 'run' for Nandi athletes would be up 20 Kilometers each day at a speed of 15 kilometers per hour which adds up to eighty minutes per day and more than ninety hours per week five hundred hours per year, in excess of 6,000 hours b their 16th birthday With this information you might start to understand why the Nandi people are so good at running. So What about the Jamaicans? They are originally from West Africa Bought to America by the slave traders. They have no such altitude benefits and their school run doesn't compare with the Nandi people. Even if it did the distance they excel at is much shorter, only one hundred meters? The reason why Jamaicans do so well at sprinting is this: They are always running away from the police!! Only kidding (Check my profile picture I can make this joke) The real reason Jamaicans are so good at sprinting comes down to opportunities... or lack of opportunities. With no genetic explanation scientist focused on cultural forces underpinning Jamaican sprinting success. Jamaica has invested in an impressive infrastructure and training system required to identify and nurture elite track athletes. The effect this has had on a culture that idolizes local heroes, and the opportunity it gives to help people escape from poverty has helped Jamaica produce a plethora of top sprinters.

Without a genetic explanation researchers looked for cultural differences that may have been responsible reasons for the disproportionate success. So if we are all genetically the same how is it that a Small island like Jamaica can produce world beating sprinters. The explanation from may lie in a experiment carried out by Marianne Bertrand and Sendhil Mullainathan, two leading economists. They drafted five thousand CV's and placed typical black names such as Tyrone or Latoya on half of them and white names such as Brendon and Alison on the other half. They then divided the CV's into high and low quality and did the same with the black CV's.

A few weeks later the offers came rolling in from the employers, and guess what? The "black" candidates were 50% less likely to be invited to interview. Bertrand and Mullainathan also found that although high- quality whites were preferred to low-quality whites, the relative quality of black CV's made no difference whatsoever. It was as if the employers saw three categories: high-quality whites, low-quality whites and blacks. Is it any wonder that black children fail at school, given the success that is often ignored by employers? Is it any wonder why we, oops sorry, they end up going into sport instead ;0)

Stereotyping

Stereotyping is alive and well

Between 2001 and 2005 Jeff Stone , a psychologist from the University of California and a colleague interviewed 1,500 students to uncover prevailing attitudes to race and sports. They unsurprisingly found that blacks were assumed to be naturally superior in sports rather than academia and whites were assumed to be naturally superior academically rather than athleticism. But the researchers wanted to check this further: Do these stereotypes really matter? Do they influence the way interact with each other, both in sports and beyond or do they not matter at all. To find out they took a group of white participants and asked them to listen to a radio broadcast of a basketball game to evaluate the performance of a particular player. In the first test, the participants were led to believe the player was black. After listening to the broadcast, the participants rated the player as high in athletic ability and as a superior player.

But in the second test the researchers reversed the experiment, telling the participants the player was white. What happened? You guessed it: they now considered the player to be of low in natural ability, and considered him an inferior player. Just to reiterate: these most contradictory viewpoints came in response from the same broadcast. Stereotyping can be harmful to both blacks and whites. Deterring blacks from studying and choosing sports as an alternative and deterring whites from competing at sports against the assumed superiority of blacks.

The last paragraph in Matthew Syed's book 'Bounce' reads "It is all to easy to assume that racial patterns of success and failure to be grounded in genetics, but the point of this chapter is to suggest that subtler and more elusive forces are at work. The tendency to see black and white as genetic types (which, to a large extent, underpins racial stereotyping)has long been contradicted by the findings of population genetics. If we could only tint our rose tinted spectacles, the world would not only look different, but it would soon become very different too. Great book Mr Syed I have learnt and shared lots.

This concludes the blog 'Be all you can... because you can' I hope this gives you the reader a reason to believe that nature plays little if any part in an athlete reaching the top at his/her chosen sport or indeed chosen profession. We are all equally able regardless of colour, of reaching our goals but should understand the harder we work the luckier we become, don't expect talent to get you to the top of the tree.

Be all you can be..... because you can!!

2012-01-19T08:53:00.000-08:00

Born to run?

Do all the best athletes posses natural talent. Was Muhammad Ali born to box? does Roger Federer have some special Genes that no-one else in the world possesses. Not too many years ago Banbury had a host of British European and World Champions in Semi Contact martial arts including Alvin Mighty, Neville Mighty and Mark Aston. Was Banbury blessed with a gene that made us natural martial artists? All top international cross country races and marathons seem to be won by Kenyans? Does lake Victoria in Kenya have special nutrients that make Kenyans faster over long distances than the rest of the world?

Personal Achievements

At school from a very young age I was always the fastest runner, I was a good all round sportsman/boy and not much of an academic. I took up boxing when I was 15 years old in Coventry. I was described as a 'Natural Boxer' I boxed in a gym full of champion boxers and later after moving to Banbury became 5 times Home Counties Amateur Middleweight Champion then Twice British Full Contact Kick Boxing Champion winning my first title after only 5 months, and won numerous smaller titles eventually competing in the World Kickboxing Championships in front of thousands in Budapest, Hungary. I have boxed and kick boxed around the world. My achievements made me a regular in the local newspaper the Banbury Guardian. Although I had no interest in politics I was approached by the local Council and asked if I would like to stand for Council in the local elections, which I comfortably won making me the Town Councillor for the district where I live, I am currently the owner of a fitness club and I am the Chairman of the Spit n Sawdust boxing club. I do talks at schools and colleges inspiring children and youths to make the right choices. I hopefully have the respect of all ages. And to top it all I was selected to carry the 2012 Olympic torch, again this was thanks to my popularity and being nominated by the Banbury Public. Did this all come about because of me being a 'natural talent'

A Natural Talent?

So lets go back to the beginning. Do all the world's best athletes posses 'natural talent'?

Was Muhammad Ali Born to box? After having his bike stolen, a 12-year-old Clay promises to "whup whoever stole it." In an attempt to channel his aggression, the policeman he reported the crime to takes him under his wing and eventually directs him to boxing trainer Fred Stoner. Over the next six years, Clay, Ali's surname at the time, would win six Kentucky Golden Gloves championships, two national Golden Gloves titles, and two AAU (Amateur Athletic Union) crowns. He had decided after having his bike stolen all he would do was box. He never had a Job but spent all his days in a boxing club. not only training but studying other boxing styles in particular that of Sugar Ray Robinson, said by many to be the best pound for pound boxer who ever lived, and his skills are testament to all of the hours he put in over those early years.

Earlier I spoke of my personal achievements and how I was described as a natural boxer. At the time being a child I believed it. I went to the local boxing club that was full of amateur boxing champions and on seeing me for the first time even they said I was a natural and said how they expected me to be a champion just as they were. What I haven't told you is that my father was a former professional heavyweight boxer. His closest friends, the Turpin's from Leamington Spa, who were British European and world champion boxers. The family included Randolph Turpin the former undisputed middleweight champion of the world. Until I was 15 I was training at home. My father, Maxie Earle, (Who tells me he knocked out Henry Cooper in sparring and he also actually TKO'd his brother George Cooper in two rounds) and his friends. Every time we visited the Turpins I would practice boxing. With so many people around me involved in boxing at the highest level it was inevitable the when I turned up at boxing club that I would look natural. I had a whole life of boxing practice behind me. I was not a natural I 'had put the hours in'

Back in the 1970' and 80's after Bruce Lee hit the screens, but before Martial arts were as popular as they are today Banbury had a couple of Martial arts Dojo's that were full of Students wanting to be like Bruce Lee. It was around the time I first moved to Banbury and Lau Gar Kung Fu seemed bigger than Boxing. I was so surprised at the number of British and World Championship. I was from a City of over 500,000 yet I knew no world champions yet in Banbury with a population of around 30,000 there was an abundance of them.

Matthew Syed

I am reading a book at the moment by the former table tennis champion Matthew Syed. He tells a similar story to what I am telling but includes the people he has known in his life and how he feels hard work and a good set up can lead to one street having many champions from local to world level. He was 'lucky enough' to have a full sized table tennis table in his garage that he would practice before school, after school and at weekends with his brother. He also had a teacher at school who was a table tennis fanatic and an expert teacher who did his best to get as many people in the school to play table tennis. Matthew took full advantage of this and the result was Matthew Syed becoming British number one at 24 years old in a sport where 30,000 people are signed up. Not only did he excel but the street where he lived had champions. He and his brother Andrew lived at 119 Silverdale Road and Andrew went on to become one of the most successful junior players of all time, Matthew himself became 3 time Commonwealth champion and two time Olympian, at number 274 Karen Witt who won countless junior titles, the national senior title and the Commonwealth championship. At number 149 Andy Welman won a series of titles mainly at doubles and was feared by all the top players. This one Street produced more table champions than the rest of the nation combined. Was this one street of naturally talented table tennis players?

During my time here at Spit n Sawdust the biggest changes I have seen were with Neil Slater and Robert Evans, though there are many more who have had positive directional life changes that led them away from drink, drugs, violence and a possible life in and out of prison.

How hard work triumphed over an assumed lack of 'talent'

Neil Slater was 17 when he first came to the gym and nobody would ever had said he was a natural talent. When I first met Neil he had learning difficulties and was at college on the 'Entry To Employment' course with students who also struggled with education. Some of the youths in his class had disabilities such as Downs, ADHD, Asperges, and other varieties of the autistic spectrum. I felt Neil's difficulties were more related to confidence and a difficult upbringing and not a disorder per se. After first showing Neil around the gym he was full of enthusiasm and that visit was quickly followed by a visit with his mother who quietly told me of his troubled life. She said he was on medication for his ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and had a bad temper.He was bullied at school and had very little confidence. She also explained that all the panels in the doors and some walls at home had holes in where Neil in his frustration had punched them. I didn't want Neil to think he was any different to any of the other people at the gym so I treated him as if he was no different to anyone else. Neil did excel. And to be honest I didn't expect him to. The big difference with Neil and the rest of the students at the time was that he finally found something he believed he could be good at. He found in me someone who believed in him. So Neil trained every day and was more of a tenant than a member he is now a member of the Spit n Sawdust Family. We have had many a talk over the years and I have watched him grow from an insecure youth into a far more confident young man. Neil has been off his medication for years and is now a very capable heavyweight boxer. One of my proudest moments was when his arm was raised at the end of a boxing bout to declare he was a 'winner.'

Role model Roy Jones Jr

Rob Evans on the other hand had stacks of confidence at school but channeled all his energy the wrong way. He was disruptive and was often in trouble. He was drinking smoking and often ended up in trouble with his teachers and later into his teens the police. It is clear to see now that Rob had lots of potential and just needed to direct it. Once Rob decided what he wanted he gave it 100% He told me he was the best at all sports at school and always knew he would win at almost everything he applied himself to... and I believed him. But the trouble was he never applied himself to anything. Rob had two attempts of climbing the stairs to my gym but failed to make it because he could here everyone skipping and punching the bags and didn't want to make himself look silly. He decided the best way to see what it was like was to come up when there was no-one here and came to see me on a quiet day when I was alone. After I told him about the boxing he decided to join up.

mmm? But well done

At first Rob played at it. He seemed to use it as a way of showing off in front of the girls who came to watch him and the other boys train. I remember a turning point being when I told his friends he would Never make a boxer because all he was interested in was talking to girls and looking at himself in the mirror. Fortunately for me this was a turning point. Rob trained harder than everyone in the gym. His pride had be dented and his ability questioned. He never talked to me for 2 weeks but I didn't mind because this is how he became 3 times national champion in just 3 years winning all of his 17 fights along the way. He trained 7 days a week often 6 hours a day, his role models were all the best boxers who had ever laced up gloves. Boxing was his life. No drinking, no smoking....anything and no women. All the boys that used to beat him in sparring were avenged and he used every negative comment to fuel his fire once telling me "You didn't think I could do this but I showed you!" Natural talent? No way, I still think he has two left feet but he was one hell of a puncher he was extremely fit, a very skilled boxer who hated losing. And now he is a supermodel for Calvin Klein... drinking, looking in the mirrors and talking to girls aaargh!!! I did my best :0).........NEXT!!!

Child Prodogies

So... the argument still exists and I still ask the question is their such thing as a 'natural'?. Are some children born with talent?

We see many people of differing abilities using the gym, from the students who come from Frank Wise school for the physically and mentally 'challenged' to top athletes and academics. Some people will take to training quite naturally whilst others will struggle with fitness or learning something new. So many people tell me they can't join a class because they have no co-ordination? When I see someone come in who looks like a 'natural' I always ask what other sports they do. I have found that most people who are good at football are well balanced and find the transition from football to boxing comfortable. You will find that most people who excell at one sport will do reasonably well in most. So lets look at other examples. In fact lets start with my daughter Rosie Berry. Rosie has had no formal musical training and, as many teenagers do, spends much of her time in her bedroom away from us boring parents who are watching Reality TV, (her mum) or Sky Sports, (me) One Christmas we bought Rosie a keyboard for a present as we couldn't afford the piano she wanted, nor would a piano fit in our house. Most evenings after Christmas you could hear Rosie bashing away on the keyboard playing something that vaguely resembled music. Then she found that she could teach herself melodies using You Tube tutorials and started playing her favourite tunes. In no time at all we would hear tunes we recognized from her room and I found myself sitting outside her room listening in amazement. Eventually I would ask her to play tunes for us in the living room. It was like you would imagine in the days before TV. Rosie playing the piano and us sitting and listening and singing her praises.... Not singing, but you know what I mean. Rosie was certainly no expert but to us she was a natural being able to learn so quickly with just the aid of You Tube.

Ok that was a personal story that we found astonishing and I have heard many a similar story at my gym. It seems every time a story is told the person listening has an equally amazing story. Unless of course your name was Leopold Mozart and your son was the famous Wolfang Mozart. Now then, young Wolfie was charming the aristocracy with his piano skills, often with his sister Maria Anna at the age of six and had been composing pieces for the violin and piano since he was 5 years old! (three of Wolfgangs earliest pieces can be heard by clicking on the link) Surely Mozart was a 'natural talent'? Let's just check his early life. I know for a fact You Tube wasn't about so let's rule that out first. As I mentioned Wolfie's dad was Leopold Mozart who was a famous composer and performer in his own right. He was also a domineering parent who started his son on a programme of an intensive training in composition and performing. When Wolgang was 3 his father was interested in how music was taught to children. While Leopold was only so so as a musician he was highly accomplished as a pedagogue (that's a strict or pedantic teacher) and had a book on violin instruction published the year Wolfgang was born. He remained influential to his son for decades from the earliest age. Mozart's first work that was regarded as a masterpiece today 'piano concerto No. 9' was composed when Mozart was 21 . yes that is early but it was after 18 years of extremely hard expert tuition. 3 of Mozart's early works were written when he was 16 and were re-arrangements of the music of other composers. A bit like using You Tube then mixing the songs? Mozart was one of the hardest working composers in history which explains why we are still talking and writing about him today

When Tiger Woods became the youngest ever winner of the US masters in 1997 many said he was the most naturally gifted golfer to ever play the game. But once again when you dig into his past another more reasonable explanation comes to bare. Like all of the stories previously

Tiger could drive a ball 80 yards aged 2 years and 4 months
and pitch 40 yards accurately

mentioned there is much hard work in producing a golfer as good as the Tiger. Tiger's father Earl Woods believed practice brings greatness. He started his son at what he described as an 'unthinkably young age', before he could even walk or talk. Earl used to sit Tigar in his high chair as a baby so he could see his father hit balls into a net, and had a golf club before his 1st birthday. By the age of 2 years and 8 months Tiger was familiar with bunker play and by the age of 3 he had developed a pre-shot routine. At the age of two after much practice on the driving range and putting green he entered his first pitch and putt competition where he could already hit his 2.5 wood 80 yards and pitch accurately from 40 yards. Earl hired a professinal to accelerate Tigers learning when he was 4 years old and Tiger won his first national tournament at 15 years old. Drills would typically involve putting a ball from thee yard consecutively into the cup to see how many putts Tiger could make. After 70 in a row Earl would be still standing there. By his mid teens Tiger had clocked more than 10,000 hours of expert practice just like Mozart. In tennis the Williams sisters Serena and Venus have a similar story and even practiced tennis using baseball bats instead of rackets. One very important thing we should know about all of these child prodigies is that they all loved their activities. Pushing a child into something they are not interested in will not yield the same results.

Though I have many more stories of fantastic achievements by people who have gone down in history as 'naturals' and 'child geniuses' to wow you with, and believe me some of the stories are quite unbelievable until they are explained. I feel I have dwelt long enough on this subject to make the point I set out to achieve.

Taking It To The Next Level

Right what next? Ah yes. We have, or rather, I have explained how I believe success is achieved and the importance of hard work and a good tutor can bring out the best in an individual. I also mentioned how enjoying what you do is equally important (especially when dealing with children) if you want to yield great results. So is there anything else we should know, anything that we should consider if we are to reach the top and be better at our chosen activity than anyone else?

It makes more sense to me to talk about experiences I have had than it does talking about stories I have heard 'second hand' So that is where I will start in this chapter. I run a humble gym in Banbury in Oxfordshire. People have been using the gym for 8 years. The people who use the gym come here for a number of reasons. Most come to keep or get fit, some want to lose weight, some children are bought here by their parents because they are being bullied at school some come here for social reasons and want to make friends with people etc.... The boxers on the other hand come here because they want to box. All of the other reasons may be some of the reason why they first joined, but once they join a boxing class and start to learn boxing skills their primary objective is to compete in a boxing ring.

Now and again, normally when I am unhappy with the commitment of the boxers, I will have a group meeting. I will ask the class who wants to compete as a boxer. And just about every time all hands will be raised. I will then go on to explain the importance of regular training, how important it is that they listen to the coaches and learn at every opportunity. I remind them that boxing is dangerous and if they are not as fit as their opponents they may get hurt. Boxing is not a team sport. Once the first bell goes you are on your own. At the end of your bout it is you alone who will take all the glory.... or you can be the loneliest person in the building after a defeat. My little talk is always followed by a committed class. The class will be focused and the only talking that is done is about boxing.

Winning and losing

What I tell all aspiring boxers is that to be the best in the world you first need to be the best in this gym . I tell them they need to be faster, more skillful and fitter than everyone in the gym. They should be the best in all departments including skipping, punching bags, press--ups everything. If a heavyweight boxer tells me he can't be as fast as a lightweight boxer I ask him why not? To take a boxer to the next level you have to train him at a higher level. Sometimes this means taking him to other gyms for sparring and coaching techniques and sometimes we have to improvise. One way we might improvise is to put the best boxer into a spar with 2 or even 3 other boxers to improve his/her movement and skills. This also is a reminder to that boxer that he is of exceptional skill and above the level of the other boxers. At the same time it gives the lesser skilled boxers an opportunity to get in the ring with someone they aspire to be like.... and maybe land a few punches on him/her. If a boxer struggles with infighting (boxing up close) then I will split the ring into 4 smaller rings making it difficult to 'run away' forcing the boxer to learn how to fight in a smaller space. I remember an incident many years ago, when Ken Reynolds, my former coach took me on a coaching course. Ken was an advanced coach and had been teaching boxing for many years and was full of boxing knowledge. He had studied all forms of boxing and also knew some martial arts. Unbeknownst to me Ken used to teach us techniques that other gyms didn't use. Tricks of the trade he had picked up over the years from other trainers around the world. When he saw me sharing this knowledge with a trainer from another gym he quickly came and told me off saying 'they don't know this stuff' Having the edge over an opponent can often be a simple training method or technique that others are not familiar with. So I won't share any more ;0)

Brazilian Futsal Player

In other sports different methods are used to increase skill levels. For many years the Brazilians were, and to some still are, considered the most naturally gifted footballers in the world. Their one touch accurate passing and intricate skills were marvelled at by many. When we look closer into the reasons why this might be we find that in Brazil children are bought up playing a sport called futsal. which is football played on a much smaller pitch with a smaller and heavier ball. Futsal players touch the ball six times more often per minute this requires decisions to be made more quickly and the skill level to be higher. Sharp passing is paramount and the game is all about looking for angles, spaces and quick combinations. Ball control and vision are crucial, so that when Futsal players play on a full size pitch the feel as if they have acres of space in which to operate. Almost all of the Brazilian greats played futsal. Names who played futsal that you may be familiar with are Pele, Ronaldo, Ronaldinho and Zico

Growth mind-set v fixed mind-set

Those people who firmly believe that talent is genetic, something we were were born with, maybe a gift handed down through generations through gifted relatives can be described as people with a fixed mind-set. Where as those who believe that intelligence can be transformed through effort had a growth mind-set.

In an experiment involving 330 students 10 to 11 year old's all the students were given task. As the tasks got more difficult the students with the fixed mind-sets decided they had reached their level of intelligence and quit the experiment deciding they were not smart enough to go on, where as the growth mind-set group kept looking for answers and had far better results. The thing is, once we have decided we can't do something it becomes true. The same can be said about once we decide we can do something. A fixed mind-set limit a persons beliefs. I know this personally because I always doubted what I could do as a child. I decided on the subjects I liked and the subjects I didn't like. The subjects I liked I done well at an the subjects I didn't like I decided were too difficult, or I just blamed the teachers.

When I flunked Maths and English at CSE level at school at 16 I knew it was because I was not an academic. When I passed them at the higher GCSE level at college I knew I was wrong when I was 16. I had a different mind-set at 16. I knew that as long as I put the work in I would pass both exams. At 16 I never thought I could pass so why study? With a growth mind-set you don't need to pretend you are intelligent because you will know you are on the way to getting there. If we adopt the fixed mindset we have already decided we have gone as far as we can go.

missed 26 game-winning shots

The people who progress the furthest are the people who have made the most mistakes. The legendary basketball player Michael Jordan once said in a TV commercial that he had missed more than 9,000 shots, I have lost almost 300 games and 26 times I have been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. Michael Jordan is a testament to the growth mind-set and that to become the best player in the world you have to embrace failure.

Others with a growth mind-set who turned failure into success:

The Beatles

Turned down by a recording company saying "We don't like their

sound and guitar music is on the way out"

Charles Darwin

Was told by his father that he would amount to nothing and be a disgrace to himself and his family

Beethoven

Told by a music teacher "as a composer he is hopeless" -

Walt Disney

Fired from a newspaper because he "lacked imagination and had no original ideas" -

Belief

During the second world war the allied forces decided to launch an attack at Anzio, Northern Italy but it went wrong and the Americans ended up trapped in caves and received far more casualties than the medics could deal with. Although the casualties kept pouring in the medics had run out of anesthetic. A young medic, Doctor Henry Beecher from Havard was responsible for treating the injured. What the doctor decided to do when presented with gaping wounds that needed operating on quickly, was to administer a salt water injection into the buttocks of the wounded soldiers, instead of morphine before operating. Beecher found that the soldiers could tolerate the pain equally well after a salt water injection as they did with the morphine. Just believing they were injected with morphine was enough to take away the pain.

Muhammad Ali was, according to the media and many of Ali's camp and followers, at 32 years old, well past his best and no match for the younger, fitter and stronger George Foreman who was destroying opponents Ali had struggled against. What the media didn't figure on was Ali's religious beliefs. Muhammad Ali was a devout Muslim and believed that Allah would help him defeat the odds. Ali actually said "How can I lose with Allah on my side?" I remember watching that fight with my father as a ten year old child. I watched as Muhammad Ali took a tremendous beating for seven rounds. I was an Ali fan but remember being frightened for Ali. Foreman was using him as a punchbag. But somewhere deep inside with the belief that Allah was with him Ali came out in the eighth round and came off the ropes with a 5 punch combination to knock out George Foreman.

Faith helped this born again
atheist to win Olympic Gold

There are lots more stories about God, Allah, Jehovah and how these heavenly bodies have helped people in times of need. Whether or not you are a believer in a higher power, having a belief has certainly helped many people. Jonathon Edwards was a world record triple jumper and an Olympic champion and also a christian. Every time he attended a competition he would carry a tin of sardines in his kit bag as a reminder of the miracle in bible, telling the story of the feeding of the 5,000. As he walked to the field of play Edwards whispered a silent prayer "I place my destiny in your hands" a few hours later he captured the Olympic gold medal making him a household name and securing his status as one of Britain's greatest athletes. His high status and his faith secured him position presenting Songs of Praise the most high profile religious programme on British television. Being retired did not sit comfortably with Edwards. He realised his sport was a bigger part of his identity than he had previously thought. He started asking himself questions about his life, his sport and his faith. He went though a personal crisis and doubted the existence of God. He retired from his position presenting Songs of Praise and became a born again atheist. But he is aware of the fact that religion played a huge role in his accomplishing what he did.

Belief, faith and placebo's are all important when it comes to increasing performance. I have noticed with my boxing club a huge difference when a boxer has belief and a boxer doesn't. One of our boxers used to attend classes when he felt the need. When he had a bad day at home or a fall out with another boxer or a girlfriend he might go missing for a week or two so was never really as fit as he should have been. If we told him he had a fight coming up he would train hard for the fight for a couple of weeks in preparation. On the night of the fight he would be anxious and worry that his fitness level was not up to scratch and would be a nervous wreck by the time he entered the ring. Being a southpaw and standing about 6ft tall, weighing only 67 kilogrammes at the time gave him a great advantage over his competitors, plus he is a stylish boxer who boxes off the back foot making it very difficult for boxers to reach him. After one round of the three round bout he would be very tired, after two rounds he was ready to throw the towel in and after the third and final round he would be exhausted and glad it was all over even before the result of the had been announced. After winning his first three fights in this manner he then realised that he needed to train harder as the opponents were going to get tougher. So he attended all the classes and also came to the gym between classes for extra tuition. His next fight was a home show bout so he wanted to impress. He was still a little nervous as he was performing in front of 7oo people in his home town but had no worries about his fitness so was confident and looking forward to his bout. He was boxing a lad who had an identical boxing record as him so we expected a tough fight. But a clash of styles left him frustrated. Although throughout the fight he was comfortable with his energy levels and didn't tire between rounds he was frustrated because the other lad didn't seem to want to get involved in a 'fight' and felt, although he had won on all of the judges scorecards, that he had let the public down by under-performing.   After this fight he started to go missing again and would turn up to training make his excuses then leave. We matched him again and took him to box in Slough. This time the confidence had disappeared. When he was warming up he complained about tiredness after only a few seconds on the pads so I knew things were not right. Then Just before he stepped into the ring he whispered to me "I am Sh**ting myself. The bell sounded and it looked as if he may have been on his way to earning another scrappy win when he broke his thumb and the fight was called off.

Belief comes from many different sources. We can ask for guidance from our respective God's and we can train hard knowing that the opposing person has not trained as hard or gained the same skill level as we have as we have.... but we must always have belief. As Henry Ford once said " Whether you think you can or think you can't- you're right!" He also said “Failure is simply an opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.”