I’ve been seeing more posts lately on other blogs about church diversity, and they constantly remind me about how the church focuses on the visible, without digging deeper in this issue of diversity.

When a suburban, white, middle-class church attracts a few people of different ethnicities, it becomes something to be celebrated. Why? What does having a black family, or a Chinese family coming to your church service have to do with anything if your songs are contemporary, white America, Christian radio songs and your message speaks to your white American congregation?

We quote lots of Scripture showing why God mandates reaching out to other ethnic groups, yet fail to remember how culturally relevant New Testament churches had to be in order to grow in Ephesus, Galatia, etc. We have Paul’s letters--and the context of their praise and rebuke--as reference to just how culturally diverse these churches were. The Bible is rich in its story of how culture plays a big role in the story of its characters. We need more stories of people within our churches that speaks to who we are individually and how that shapes us collectively. We are a mosaic of different pieces all coming together to form the face of Jesus--Not a mish mosh of different faces assimilating into a whiteboard seen through rose-colored (or brown, red, yellow, black, or purple) glasses that screen out color and makes everything look monochrome.

If your church is ethnically diverse in its makeup that’s great. However, when you fail to learn that our differences go beyond appearance and actually penetrate down into our DNA, you fail to realize the wonderful, painful, sometimes hidden world of what makes us not just ethnically diverse, but culturally diverse.

I just experienced a calm November with no stress or conflict. It was such a great feeling to be at peace. However, there is always this feeling within me that I’m missing--or missing out on--something. This feeling resurfaced again when I found myself working on tidbits of graphic design: dabbling in some elements to start considering a whole makeover of this blog and creating a new business card for my current full-time gig. In total, I probably spent about 3 hours doing this. As odd as this may sound to some, it was 3 hours of feeling connected to something in my core that brought me joy and left me wanting more. Yes, it appears that my drug of choice is graphic design.

I’ve tried playing music and with a lot of practice I can pull it off, but it’s always technical. If my band mates stray from the song in any way, I’m left hanging as I can’t catch the new groove. I’ve done some art, but it always looks mechanical. However, when I enter into the digital realm, be it photo re-touching, editing digital video, creating music for use in digital video, or starting with a blank slate and ending up with a full blown website, this is where I find fulfillment and contentment. Elements of all of these were incorporated in the work I did when in full-time ministry and freelancing just to keep up my skills when not working helped me keep my sanity.

While I do admit that I’ve been able to exercise some creativity in finding solutions for people seeking to purchase an automobile, it’s not quite the same. It’s part of business and an inherent part of who I am and why I’m able to relate well with most people in a sales capacity. As I ponder thoughts of how my friends may have been right after all and maybe I should be doing what I truly enjoy and feel accomplished at as a full-time gig, my mind immediately turns to the possibility of a future role where I can take my sales experience and complement it with my digital skill set to take a group of people I’ve committed to be successful to the next level.

Yes, creativity has gone and done it again. It’s got me thinking about possibilities. This time though, it’s not a conflict of what to do or where I should do it. No, this time it feels like a dear old friend making himself available to help get me where I want to go and feeling equipped to begin the journey into my next new adventure, which isn’t really new at all--just getting refreshed a bit. Color me excited for things to come!

Are you missing creativity in your life? What is your creative outlet? Is today the day to revisit it?

Living life online doesn’t really give one much of a glimpse into the true person that I am. Maybe you’ve seen me tweet some things that have merit, yet you don’t know if I’m qualified to validate those tweets. A lot of times, people just have questions when they learn that I’ve spent most of my life as an atheist, only to sell off a successful business and enter into full-time, unpaid ministry for 7 years.

Every once in awhile I devote a day on the blog to answering questions about myself so that those of you know that may only know me through Facebook and Twitter can learn something new. Of course, the fear is that when I post this opportunity, no one responds and it makes me feel foolish. However, it’s a risk I’ll take on again today.

Ask me a question… About anything… Ready, set, go! :)

Many people remember the movie Forrest Gump very well. I, on the otherhand, only remember this phrase:

“…Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you are gonna get.”

I convinced myself that life--my life--was going to be just like that. I never knew what I was going to get and just tried to make it through each day in preparation for the unknown coming my way the next day. As of yesterday, I had to put this way of thinking to rest.

Think about it… When we go to the store to buy a box of chocolate, we are faced with many choices. We can choose the chocolate-covered cherries, the chocolates with nuts, the chocolates with chewy centers, or a combination of all three. Do we really not know what we are going to get inside that box of chocolates?

Yesterday I reminded myself that I need a sense of purpose and a commitment to move forward doing something that I believed within my soul that only I could bring to fruition. It had to include others and would only be fulfilled through everyone coming together to make it happen. I had my box of chocolates right under my nose, but as I was contemplating whether I wanted the chocolate with nuts, the cherry-covered chocolate, or the ones with chewy centers, I clearly saw that if I just went with the box that had all three I could find a way to be happy. My focus in the past had been too narrow--my decision was becoming too finite.

Yesterday I took the step of tearing off the wrapper and revealing my box of my chocolates. Today, I move forward--one bite at a time. My life can be like a box of chocolates, only my box was pre-determined for me and I know what is inside of it. It was up to me to accept it or not, but now I know it was meant for me.

I guess the most memorable thing about my birthday yesterday is that it marked the changing of Daylight Savings Time--clocks went back one hour. It was an uneventful day with two exceptions:

1. I had some things of note happen at a church service
2. My wife forgot it was my birthday.

In previous years, number 2 would have stolen the day for me. It has actually happened before… more than once. This time she was busy with preparing to sing worship songs at a Spanish language church in Santa Barbara (about 45 minutes away) in the evening and spent the day practicing for that. However, this time I didn’t mind at all. I didn’t receive it as a personal attack on me and a display of her lack of caring. She’s just a very forgetful person and it’s a constant struggle in our relationship as I do my best not to forget anything. Maybe it’s a sign of maturity, or a sign that we’ve been together too long. Hopefully it’s just a simple sign showing me that I don’t need to take things so seriously and just accept them for what they are and move on. I need that.

I feel like I learned another lesson as well. This one coming from the church service I attended in the morning. I visited a friend, with a friend, at the oldest African American church in Oxnard. It is a very strange setting for me as I’m the only Asian there, the worship time is less about singing lyrics to a song and more about being present before God in adoration, and there is absolutely nothing technologically current about the presentation. There is no big screen with lyrics, no display of the day’s Scripture, and no slideshow with bullet points regarding the sermon. I’ve been here about five times so far and it’s been like this every time. It makes me pause and wonder if we have gone too much into the use of tech to make Sunday services more attractive to the masses. It makes me question my role in the future of the church and my evolving perspectives on building community and the use of social media to help facilitate this.

As different as the environment is to me, it is the brief connections that I make while there that always stand out. Being an obvious outsider to the oldest African American church in Oxnard, my thoughts as a leader are that everyone in membership there should recognize it and make me feel welcome. It never happens. I’m actually glad it doesn’t. From the first time I visited and had one of the ladies of the choir walk down the long row of chairs that separated us to shake my hand and say good morning to yesterday when I got the biggest, warmest hug from someone I think I’ve ever received I always seem to make one connection as a result of someone coming up to me to make me feel noticed and welcomed. As a very introverted person it happens on a level I am comfortable--rather than an overwhelming mass of people rushing towards me to engage me in conversation. It’s another one of those things that makes me think about my perspective on church leadership and how we should show others we care they are amongst us.

Aside from that, I hung out around the apartment and replied to all of my birthday greetings on twitter and facebook and watched a few movies online. Yesterday was a very restful day, and now that my birthday is over, the thoughts of reflection are beginning. Introverted, reflective, retrospective, and never satisfied… Be glad you aren’t me :)

PS. Maybe my birthday was more eventful than I first thought ;)

I’m sitting here pondering several things. My mind needs rest, yet it focuses on things at a million miles an hour. Mostly I’m thankful to have finally had a full day off from work. I’ve been pushing myself the past few months--chasing after some goals and trying to make up financially for the many months I was running negative cash flow.

Today, the most thought-provoking thing on my mind is friends. Each one, by name, has been cycling through my thoughts. For some, our time has come and gone and I wish you well. I reach out to you, yet you do not respond. I’ll think of you always, but obviously you have moved on. For others, no matter what I do, I feel we are connected for life and I spent time being thankful for you. Then, there are the friends that were connected for a brief time that have left me thinking the most today. For some of them, I wonder what could have been had our time together lasted longer. For some I wonder if we’ll ever get connected back again as I feel our chapter in time has not been completed. For some, I hold on and wait--not sure what to do or where we stand.

This is what my brain is feeding me on this Sunday night…

There’s a thorn in my side I can’t seem to ignore.

It has a name. It has a face.

I can see it clearly. I focus my energy on relieving it.

Is it what I see? That which angers me?

Is it a thorn in my side or a plank in my eye?

As I write this, it’s a Tuesday. Same as any other day. Yet, somehow this one feels different. I have a lot on my mind and things seem to be going in several different directions. I’m at an intersection and the light is about to turn green. My foot won’t let off the brake pedal.

At the moment, I do not really know how I feel about things. I do not know what tomorrow will bring. I do not know if my past experiences will be used to correct my future. I’m not used to this. Usually, my life is figured out for me. I’m definitely feeling uncomfortable.

Having been involved in pastoral ministry for 6 years prior to going back into sales/management many people ask me if I will go back to being a pastor. I don’t have that answer. Having moved so much in the past two years, people have asked me how long I’ll be in my current city. I tell them I do not know.

Things for me are uncertain these days. It’s not like me to stay in this situation for long, yet I feel like I’ve been here forever. For some crazy reason, I just don’t care to know any more. I don’t feel like I’m in a rut. I’m not angry over my circumstances. I guess I need to be at peace in the moment and not worry about tomorrow. Is this how the rest of world gets by every day… without sensing a clear direction and moving forward at all costs? I never imagined I could feel content in what is such an uncomfortable state for me to experience. Maybe it’s the calm before the storm?

Father God, thank you for all that you do for me. May you open my eyes to realize the beauty that is to be experienced in this moment. Set my sights on you and how I can know you--and trust you--more and more. Thank you for my family and my friends that encourage me and let me give back to them when possible. If tomorrow never comes, may I be at peace and not feel as if I lack anything or fall short of any goals. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen. 

It’s 7:45pm on a Saturday as I tap this out on my Macbook. No blogger in their right mind would publish something on a Saturday night like this. Especially when I committed to write some posts for a friend’s blog that I am overdue on. However, this one is for me and needs not be read by anyone else. I’m doing this one to dull the pain I feel as I remember my mom on her birthday. That’s all I can do since she passed away 3 years ago and is no longer here to celebrate it with me. I still remember her face as I tried to be strong for her as she gasped her last breath in the hospital on May 27, 1998. I remember trying to reconcile in my mind that I would see her again in the future when my time here was done. I think about how much pain I felt as my mother passed away before my eyes, and how helpless and alone I felt. There was no joy in my heart that day three years ago. There was no anger either. I was overcome with an emptiness that I cannot describe.  It continued for almost a year before I would get over not having my mother here with me.

In retrospect, there was much to celebrate about her and many, many fond memories. She was one of the strongest people I have ever known, even surviving two bouts of breast cancer and an aortic ulcer that claimed 2/3 of her stomach only to die from a stupid infection that had no cure. However, it was hard to remember the joys I experienced with my mom because of the pain I carried with me. I still can’t shake that deep pain within me when I think of her. The pain is causing me to drip tears on my keyboard as I type.

Growing up as an atheist, my mom always encouraged me to never give in to the notion that there was a god, let alone God. She pushed me hard in life to excel and be the best I could be never showing weakness or a need for others. Her love for me wasn’t shown in hugs or praises. A lot of who my mom was is evident in me. I’m sure a lot of the stories my daughters would tell of me, would sound exactly like stories I would tell of my mom as a parent. However, I always knew she loved me. I always knew she would give everything she had to help me.

At the end of this month I celebrate 7 years with the Lord. It was in October 2004 that I realized God was real and called me into a relationship with him and his son Jesus. I don’t know if he ever did the same for my mom. I wonder sometimes if that is the source of the pain that never goes away when I think of my mom. To not know whether I will be reunited with her again in spirt kills me some days. I’ve done my best to find comfort in the Scriptures that give cause to believe we will be together again. However, I don’t think I’ve fully trusted God to know this with all of my heart. My mom and I had many conversations about my newfound faith and my new life as a pastor. We also had conversations where my mom would tell me that she would be outside talking to the stars and the moon and speaking things into being. She never affirmed a belief in God or asked me the questions that led me to believe she was seeking him. At the moment my mom passed away, I really have no idea what she believed or whether God was there to accept her into his arms or not. I guess I should be angry at God for having me at this crossroads. Maybe I should question a faith that would allow me to consider that I may go to heaven, yet my beautiful, strong, giving, caring and loving mother may not have. Yet, I just can’t do that. Instead, I do my best to find solace in what I’ve come to believe and look forward to a day where there will be no more pain or sadness. In that day, I pray that my mother will be there waiting for me. That I will see her and my dad standing there ready to pick up where we left off. I don’t know what to expect, and for this my heart aches.

Mommy, I love you. I hope that I was able to show you just how much before I lost you. You’d be so proud of your granddaughters Megan and Samantha. They are doing so well and we share stories of our times with you often. We miss you and hope that you are experiencing absolute peace and joy and that we will be with you soon enough, next time to never have to be apart ever again. Charlotte sends her love as well. Happy Birthday Mommy. Love, Dave