David Turner's Procrastination Station

I Have Moved

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 07:53:00 +0000

Hello

Thanks for visiting. I've upped sticks and moved, though, to http://www.armyofdave.com

Please come over and have a look. It's a much nicer place, I think you'll agree. The same old rambling but with more leg room.

See you in a minute!

Movie Meme

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 07:27:00 +0000

I saw this over at the lovely Laura Anderson's blog and thought I could kill some time by taking part myself...

1.Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times.

Star Wars Episodes IV - VI (Oh, what a surprise! Man in 30s likes Star Wars shock!) and Dr. Strangelove. And 'This is Spinal Tap'.

2.Name a movie that you’ve seen multiple times in the theater.

I've wracked my brains and the only time I've paid twice to see a film was - the shame - "Four Weddings and a Funeral". I went with some friends and then my girlfriend at the time wanted to go and see it again.

"Is it raining? I hadn't noticed?" Worst. Line. Ever.

3.Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie.

Three little words. John Fuckin' Cusack.

4.Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a movie.

Three little words. Adam Fuckin' Sandler.

5.Name a movie that you can and do quote from.

My friend Adrian and I can hold entire conversations in the pub quoting only from "Withnail and I".

"What's your name? McFuck?" Best. Insult. Ever.

6.Name a movie musical that you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs.

I'm a straight male so there are none. They would take away my bloke licence. Saying that, I could probably have a good stab at Grease.

7.Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with.

Schindler's List.

8.Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see.

If you've ever had a soul-crushing white-collar job then it has to be "Office Space".

9.Name a movie that you own.

"Independence Day". I stand by my opinion that it absolutely rocks (Well, the first half at least).

10.Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops.

Can I cheat and say Johnny Depp because he was originally a musician before "A Nightmare on Elm Street"?

11.Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in?

Drive-ins are conspicuous by their absence in the home counties.

No.12. Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven’t yet gotten around to it.

"In Bruges" and "No Country for Old Men" have been sat on the sideboard from LoveFilm for several months now.

13.Ever walked out of a movie?

No. Came very close during "Seven" and "Starship Troopers" though. This had nothing to do with the quality of the films and everything to do with the quality of my hangover.

14.Name a movie that made you cry in the theater.

Oh dear. I'm terrible watching films. I'm pretty sure I welled up during "Independence Day". The worst time was "Philedelphia", though. I was about 18, with some friends. I almost went during the family party scene, but I stayed strong. I'd made it all the way through. And then they started playing Neil Young. I'm a sucker for Neil Young. The complete stranger next to me passed me tissues.

15.What’s the last movie you saw in the theater?

Sadly, I can't remember. The last one I remember seeing was "Enchanted" but I'm sure I've been since. Was pleasantly surprised by the whole affair. And I have the hots for Amy Adams. She's a possible future ex-Mrs Turner.

16.What’s your favorite/preferred genre of movie?

I'm probably going to have to say comedy, aren't I?

17.What’s the first movie you remember seeing in the theater?

'The Jungle Book'. Back before VHS and DVD, the only way you could see an old film was if it was re-released. They should do that more. Nothing beats being a small child and the lights dimming. See? I'm welling up typing that! Pussy.

18.What movie do you wish you had never seen?

That's an interesting question. True, there have been many films after which I've proclaimed "there's two hours of my life I'll never get back" but I've probably learnt something from all of them.

19.What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed?

I'd have to say "What's Up, Tiger Lilly?". Primarily because I've never seen the technique used in a film before or since.

If you don't know it, Woody Allen took a Japanese Bond-esque spy movie and then overdubbed it with a group of actors. And then the Lovin' Spoonful pop up half way through and perform a song. All very sixties.

"Name an American president."
"Abraham Lincoln?"

Which currently makes no sense, but in context is one of the funniest lines ever.

20.What is the scariest movie you’ve seen?

'The Shining'. My brother and I were watching it for the first time. It was Hallowe'en, we had popcorn and all the lights off. Half way through, my brother turns to me.

Bro: "I need to go to the toilet."
Me: "Okay".
Bro: "Will you come with me?"
Me: "Yes."

And then I hung around in the toilet with him because neither of us wanted to be alone at that point.

21.What is the funniest movie you’ve seen?

'This is Spinal Tap'. Don't try and persuade me otherwise. "It's a thin line between stupid and clever". Better than Shakespeare, that.

Screenwriters' Festival - Like Glastonbury Without the Silly Hats

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 09:53:00 +0000

I've suddenly realised that the Screenwriters' Festival in only a handful of months away.

Admittedly, I've only realised this after getting another email from the organisers demanding a headshot for the delegates list. So I got the Better Half to take this:

The thick-rimmed glasses. The cardigan. The thousand yard stare. Doesn't it just scream "professional writer"? That or "likes to keep his victims in a box".

I'm wholly unprepared for the whole event. I've completely forgotten the plot of "In the Name of Light Entertainment", my entry for the "Son of a Pitch" contest. Not a good start. I also have an uncontrollable urge to sing "Sweet Caroline" if anybody hands me a microphone.

So, who's going? Where are you staying? Can I count on your vote for the contest? Should we organise a drink one night for all the bloggers/blog readers?

Signs of the Coming Apocalypse Part 3.

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 04:53:00 +0000

You mean she's (ghost) writing children's books now? FFS.

With all the great works of children's fiction out there, who in their right mind would choose something written by a woman who's entire career has been based on getting her tits out and marrying the world's most un-life-like man?

My biggest disappointment, though, is that she isn't a fan of dogs so there could be a range of books titled "Katie Price's Perfect Puppies". Then the offices of the Sun newspaper would implode in a shower of double entendre.

P.S. I'm not sure what a double entendre is. Can anybody fill me in?

Boom - and indeed - Boom.

Inexplicably Popular Posts

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 06:51:00 +0000

Hello.

You will notice on the left hand side, I've added an "Inexplicably Popular Posts" widget. I may be using the word "popular" incorrectly, but they're the most read posts on this l'il ol' blog. Sort of a "Beginners Guide to Dave's Brain".

I should probably be concerned that my confession of love for a cartoon bear should be the 5th most read thing I've written.

My mother must be so proud.

Spot The Mistake

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 06:41:00 +0000

Sky's website handily compiles the day's newspaper front pages. I searched for "newspaper front pages 2009" and I have printed the results below.

Hang on. The 9th July 2009 is missing from the list. Surely some mistake?

Oh, wasn't that the day that the Guardian printed the story about the News International owned Sun allegedly hacking telephone messages? Now, it does list the 9th July's headlines on the next page but, for some reason, Sky feels that day's front pages have less relevance than any other day of the month.

Just an observation.

Worst. Pun. Ever.

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 09:20:00 +0000

My town holds an annual Roald Dahl festival.

Just so you've got that:

Roald Dahl.

Festival.

No Hitchcock.

My local newspaper reported it thus:

Bored At Work?

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 07:34:00 +0000

So, it's Monday morning. The long week stretches out in front of you like a long, stretchy thing.

How are you and your work colleagues going to entertain yourselves for the next five days?

Here's an idea:

Do you have security swipe cards with embarrassing pictures on? Are all these pictures kept in a central location on the company's network?

Why not print these out and then make your own personalised 'Guess Who?' game?

"Do they have too many teddy bears on their desk?"

"Yes" Click. Click. Click.

"Do they reveal too much about their personal life when I walk past them?"

"Yes" Click. Click. Click.

"Is it Linda from accounts?"

"Yes."

You Mean I Have To Do Everything Myself?

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 11:04:00 +0000

Haven't the Jacksons watched 'Dawn of the Dead'?

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 07:25:00 +0000

But it's the only way of making sure he doesn't come back as a zombie and do the 'Thriller' dance for real!!!

School Gate Politics

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 06:35:00 +0000

I've not been able to get much writing done this week as every time I return home from work, I find a house full of other people's children. It's like gatecrashing a party full of drunk dwarves and, ironically, that would've been the dream when I was younger.

After we'd removed the hoardes and the spagetti hoops from the walls, we had to attend Kid A's school for an open evening. While there, I learned that carrying a month old baby in a sling is like spanish fly. I was beating women off with a stick. Why did I take the Better Half with me?

Also, I was reminded of the greatest piece of one-upmanship ever. Kid A's class has a stuffed toy called Freddie Frog and he goes home with each child for a few days (It probably leaves the school less open to litigation than if it was a real animal). Freddie Frog has a diary in which the children write of his adventures while he stays with them.

It was our turn to entertain Freddie a few weeks ago and I was flicking through the diary, wondering what weird stuff I could come up with. I looked at pictures of Freddie holidaying at Centerparcs and with waxwork statues of the Queen and Barack Obama at Madame Tussauds.

I then turned the page and realised that anything I came up with would be utterly pointless.

There was Freddie Frog sat on the knee of Nelson Mandela.

No, not a waxwork Nelson Mandela. The actual Nelson Mandela.

Nelson fucking Mandela.

It appears that the kid's grandfather was at university with him and was part of his defence team.

How am I meant to top that other than by breaking into the Vatican? And I've already done that once.

Neither my Grandfather, nor his friends, had any songs written about them by the Specials. In fact, no ska band has written about any of my family or friends.

Except possibly "Lip Up, Fatty".

James Bond Theme Tunes: Definitive Guide

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 11:00:00 +0000

There has been some talk in the Twitterverse of the best/worst Bond theme tunes.

In order to settle the argument, I feel I should re-print the research I undertook back in January. And I don't think anybody read it first time around, so I'm hoping I'll get away with it.

As you can see, the quality of the the Bond theme tune is inversely proportional to the quality of the actual film.

I have displayed this theory in a graph and so it is now a FACT.

In order to compile these results, I listened to every Bond theme and watched all the films. I then ignored all the ones that didn't apply. I think my research methods will stand up to scrutiny.

Take that, Ben Goldacre.

Childhood Perversions Part 3.

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 08:56:00 +0000

The Better Half and I like to encourage creativity in Kids A - C. Sometimes, though, things go awry. A little while ago, Kid B appeared to have manufactured a cock and balls.

She's her father's daughter, alright.

I've just remembered that my mother reads this blog. She must be so proud.

Before anyone calls social services, remember that I have a mug

Nick Griffin: Renaissance Man

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 06:41:00 +0000

Just running through some stuff that I was mucking around with recently but didn't actually post. I noticed that Nick Griffin has scribbled something out in crayon and somebody has published it under the title "Folk & Nation: Underpinning the Ethno-State".

If you note at the bottom, it's 22 pages long which makes Dale M. Courtney look like Leo Fucking Tolstoy.

But the interesting thing to note is the "Customers Who Bought Related Items Also Bought..." 'Mein Kampf', works on Mosley and 'The Culture of Fascism".

But neither Griffin, nor his supporters are fascists, right? They just like reading about them. Possibly with their lips moving along with the words.

(Click for Larger Image)

H1N1: It's Got a Lot Worse. Possibly.

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 16:03:00 +0000

According to my local newspaper's front page, Swine Flu has got a hell of a lot worse, mutated and has now started infecting P.C.'s.

Or the proofreader simply didn't get the irony of the choice of headline wording.

Childhood Perversions Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 06:56:00 +0000

I bow to no-one in my admiration of the children's television show 'Yo! Gabba! Gabba!'

It has phenomenally cool bands and guests. The lead singer of Devo shows you how to draw happy faces, Elijah Wood dancing like a puppet, Jack Black doing the disco roll... Err... the Ting Tings.

Really, if you haven't seen it, check it out.

But is it really advisable to have a character that looks like a dildo that has been ribbed for her pleasure?

Author of the Year

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 04:31:00 +0000

Thanks to @patkelleher via @danrebellato, I have discovered the awesome literary powers of Dale M. Courtney.

I present for your consideration the author's own description for his epic space opera 'Moon People'.

Did you like it? It's real good, isn't it? Would you like to know more of the continuing adventures of David Braymer?

Well, don't worry. He's only written a bloody sequel in which Commander Braymer does "a genesis on Mars that turns out surprisingly good". It's his 'Godfather II'.

But Mr. Courtney is not only a visionary, he has the ear of the President and was responsible for the release of the British sailors held hostage by Iran a few years ago. Well, according to his biography.

The 'Moon People' novels appear to be two parts of a trilogy. But if you can't wait for 'Moon People 3' (as I presume it will be titled), the man has a blog in which he bangs on about some guy called Ben Laden (who I presume is someone he works with and steals his sandwiches?)

I'm just praying that this guy isn't the same Dale M. Courtney who's a nuclear engineer in the US Navy, or we're all royally fucked.

I'm going to hell, aren't I?

Blog-o-Sphere Hive Mind! Hear My Call!

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 13:43:00 +0000

Hello

Don't worry. I'm working on something funny. Honestly.

In the meantime, can I ask your opinion on something? I'm very bad at making decisions and then I can blame you if it all goes horribly wrong.

You know how people dust off their tennis rackets during Wimbledon? Well, I'm like that during the festival season. But with guitars.

I'm chomping at the bit to start playing (badly) again and form a band. Don't get me wrong here, I have no designs on rock and roll stardom (quite frankly, I need my sleep these days)

The way I see it, there are two ways to go. First, is a fun punk covers band playing the songs that I'd like to hear in the pub (the Ramones, Clash, Pistols, Green Day kinda thing)

Second is doing "original material" but with that I tend to write in a Teenage Fanclub/Neil Young/The Hold Steady way. But not as good.

What would you rather listen to in a scummy pub over a pint of snakebite and black?

Catch Up

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 04:32:00 +0000

Hello. How have you been? Have you missed me the way that I missed you?

The others? They mean nothing to me. You're my favourite

Sorry I've been so slack recently but it's not you, it's me. Real life's been getting in the way again. I don't make life complicated, it just seems to get that way all by itself.

The new draft of 'Stuck Between Stations' has been completed and sent off to the producer. Let's see if he has any ideas on how to actually make it good.

Now I think it's time to concentrate on my Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse sitcom.

Or start work on that novel.

Or think of a really funny post for this blog. I think I probably owe you one.

Or form a band. I've still got the moves:

Yes. It is inflatable. And so is the guitar.

Or just have a shower. It's only half five in the morning and already I'm sweating like Michael Jackson's doctor.

Harsh, but fair.

But mostly harsh.

Thought For The Day.

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 14:38:00 +0000

America is the only country on Earth where someone born a poor black boy can die a rich white woman.

That is all.

Official Declaration of my Greatness

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 11:15:00 +0000

There. It's official. I am the World's Greatest Dad. I've got a mug to prove it and I'll wave it in the faces of social services if they come knocking. "You can't take them away! I have crockery and we all know that crockery is objective!"

It has also been seconded by the coaster it came with.

Pinko Liberal Writing Competition

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 08:25:00 +0000

If, unlike me, you're not a pinko-bed-wetting-bleeding-heart-white-male-middle-class-guilt-ridden-Guardian-reading-liberal you may not have noticed the writing competition the pinko-bed-wetting-bleeding-heart-white-male-middle-class-guilt-ridden-Guardian appears to be running.

Every year, the pinko-bed-wetting-bleeding-heart-white-male-middle-class-guilt-ridden-Guardian Weekend magazine publishes an annual summer short story edition. Normally these are written by established pinko-bed-wetting-bleeding-heart-white-male-middle-class-guilt-ridden-Guardian-reading-liberal authors.

But this year, they will publish a story written by a pinko-bed-wetting-bleeding-heart-white-male-middle-class-guilt-ridden-Guardian-reader. It can be on any theme, must be unpublished and no longer than 2,000 words. Full details can be found here

Sorry. I appear to have been channelling the spirit of Richard Littlejohn in that post.

Dave's World of Sport

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 08:50:00 +0000

The sun is out and it's a weekend of sport.

I have a very narrow definition of what constitutes a sport. It came about after a very long afternoon in the pub and much debate and compromise with friends:

"If you can play it professionally wearing slacks, it's not a sport. It's a pastime."

Golf? Pastime. Snooker? Pastime. Darts? Pas-fuckin'-time.

Much to the annoyance of some friends and family, this means that cricket is not technically a sport. Or much fun to watch. Only the English could invent a game that lasts for five days and still result in a draw. The only thing it has going for it is the opportunity to drink outside without feeling like a tramp.

Formula One is just as bad. There's something wrong when what goes on behind the scenes is far more interesting than what actually happens on the track. And I can't understand the way people support a company (though, I suppose, what's the difference between supporting Ferrari or Manchester United these days? They're both multi-national corporations.)

Question for Formula One fans. When I watch Newcastle United play, I wear a replica top. When you watch racing, do you sit on your sofa wearing a flame retardant suit?

(For some, the family curse is webbed toes or the haunted castle in Bavaria. The Turner family curse is having to support Newcastle United. Seriously, if I changed allegience, I'm out of my father's will)

Brian Blessed In Your Pocket

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 13:51:00 +0000

New from David P. Turnerberger III Enterprises.

The Brian-Blessed-In-Your-Pocket! Comes with 5 phrases:

1. "I'M BRIAN BLESSED!"

2. "SLIT THEIR GIZZARDS!"

3. "HAWKMEN! DIIIIIIIVE!!!"

4. "YOU'VE WON! LET HIM DIE!"

And of course:

5. "GORDON'S ALIVE!"

All lovingly rendered at 140 decibels.

Impress your friends! Annoy your neighbours! Worry your pets!

If I can get the funding, I reckon we could have it in the shops by Christmas. Who wants one?

Phrases designed in conjunction with Anton and Rob Stickler.

'Lost' Masterclass

noreply@blogger.com (David Turner) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 07:10:00 +0000

I don't know about you but, personally, I gave up on 'Lost' about half way through the first series when I suddenly realised that they had no idea where they were going with the programme.

Then I caught a documentary/puff piece about the last season finale on Sky 1 and it looks like it's gone completely insane and got a hell of a lot more fun. It's even got time travel paradoxes which, as we all know, are my favourite kind of paradox. I might start watching again.

Anyway, if you're going to the Screenwriters' Festival (and, if not, why not?), there's an opportunity to take part in Masterclasses with Carlton Cuse, Damon Lindelof and the gloriously named Jack Bender (have fun at passport control, Jack!)

It's at BAFTA on 3rd July and the full details are here.

Continuing the juvenile giggling at peoples' names, did I always read the credits on Buffy correctly and the music was composed by a Thomas Wanker?