“How do I overcome this fear of being hurt again?” my client said to me.

“I’m tired of being alone.  But I’m afraid.  I don’t want to go through this kind of pain again.  How do I trust a man not to hurt me?”

Hmmmm.  I understood all too well.

Thank you for all your comments on my last post, Why Good Men Leave & How To Keep It Happening To You.

I love getting your responses and it reminds me of how lucky I am to have such brilliant and intelligent readers.

I appreciate you all so much.

I did respond to each of your comments, so if you left a comment and want to read my response, just click here.

Your opinions really went from one end of the spectrum to the other.

I could relate to them all, having been in almost every position myself at some point or another in my life.

When my male friend said he broke up with his girlfriend, because she changed once they’d been together for a few months, I started remembering the ways I used to change once I got into a relationship with a man.

I spent a good number of years needing a man to validate me and make me feel loved.

As long as I had a man and a relationship, I felt good about myself.

But that need to have a man in my life didn’t do such a great job of sustaining relationships.

It took me a long time to learn in order to have a great relationship with a man I first needed to have a great relationship with myself.

Here’s what I discovered…

When I stopped trying to build my life around a man…

Realized having a great relationship was only a PART of having a great life…

Stopped basing my happiness on men and my relationships, or lack thereof…

My life shifted drastically… for the better.

I no longer gave up everything else the minute I got involved with someone.

I no longer made the man I was seeing the sole focus of my life.

I no longer needed a man to make me feel complete.

I loved having a man in my life, but I didn’t need him to make me happy.

I was already happy.

Here’s what was fascinating.

The less I needed a man in my life, the easier it became to attract men.

There is nothing more magnetic to a man than a woman who is happy, secure and confident in herself and in her life.

This is the art of feminine energy.

By staying centered in my feminine energy and letting a man be a part of my life, I learned I could give a man his personal freedom, without feeling needy, insecure or desperate.

Giving a man his personal freedom required not only that I trust the man, but also that I learn to trust myself.

I trusted if the man I was with didn’t step up to the kind of relationship I ultimately wanted, I could let him go.

There is no point in trying to change a man, or convince him to do something he doesn’t want to do.

It just doesn’t work.

You end up with a man who either leaves, or resents the relationship because he feels pushed into doing something.

Leaving was the option my friend chose when he felt his girlfriend was pushing for more than he was ready for and starting to depend on him for her happiness.

Men don’t want to be totally responsible for a woman’s happiness.

They want to be part of what makes her happy, definitely.

Good men love to make women happy.

But they don’t want to be the only thing responsible for her happiness.

It puts way too much pressure on the relationship.

Being happy in my own life was the key to sustaining a great relationship with a man, because it allowed me to let go of my fear and insecurity.

When my fears and insecurities were running the show, I was doomed.  I would try to control the man and the relationship, so I’d feel more secure and better about myself.

But the truth is nobody can make us feel better about ourselves.

We have to do that on our own.

But once we do, the world of good men and great relationships completely opens up to us.

You deserve to have the man and relationship you’ve always wanted.

It starts with you feeling good about yourself.

KNOWING in your heart you deserve a great life AND a great relationship.

Now go get going on that amazing life of yours and KNOW your really great guy is on his way to you.

Here’s a special comment I wanted to share with you from a woman who has learned this lesson well.  :- )

Hi Dawn,

Many thanks for your support of my post, and being a general blessing and inspiration.

Relationships are one of the few things that they provide a guidebook of instructions for. A lot of it is trial and error. I first noticed in my twenties that the men would come flocking to my side pretty much the minute I said: “I’ve had it with men!” but not just said it, meant it, and that’s a huge difference. That was my first sign of what worked, and what doesn’t. When I wanted a man, they would never appear. Finally I just put some faith and trust into the universe and God that I would be fine no matter what, as I was, whether alone or not. And that’s when the sun began to shine for me. Now it’s me doing all the choosing, being very selective and picky with a whole bunch of suitors that just keep on coming my way  :-) Happiness and confidence really starts when you don’t just talk about it, but when you actually start to believe it – that you are fine alone, you can stand on your own two feet and don’t depend on another human being for your internal happiness. Thanks again, Dawn!
Love,
Angelica xxo 

Leave me a comment below and let me know what your thoughts and feelings are… I’d love to hear from you!

With much love,

Dawn

“I’ve been thinking about one of our conversations over the weekend.  How did that work again?  Why is it that men hope the women they meet never change, and that women hope that men will change?  Why is that?  And why is it (ironically) that women change, and men often don’t?  So that men eventually find that they are no longer dating the woman that they met?  And — leave?”

That was the beginning of a conversation I had with a very dear friend of mine who recently broke up with his girlfriend.

I think the rest of our conversation is a great insight as to why good men sometimes break up with good women.

Me:  So what happened?  She seemed like such a great gal.  I thought you were doing so well together.

Him:  We were.  Everything was great for awhile.  We got along really well and saw each other a few times a week.

Me:  So what happened?

Him:  Things started to change.  She started becoming really insecure and dependent on me.

Me:  How so?

Him:  Like if I got busy with work and couldn’t see her one night, she’d get overly sensitive and take it personally.  In the beginning, she was understanding and cool with it.

But after we’d been together for a few months, she started to have these expectations about where our relationship was going.  It felt like she expected us to be together all the time.

I’m a pretty busy guy.  I’ve got my business, my clients who depend on me, my family I try to stay in close contact with, friends I like to see occasionally, riding my bike…

But she just became less and less accepting of any time I spent away from her.

Me:  It sounds like maybe she started to feel threatened by the things she thought were pulling you away from her.

Him:  Yea, and she took everything so personally.  Like if I was working on my bike till late at night, she made it seem like I didn’t want to spend time with her.

But that just wasn’t true.  I just wanted some time to myself to work on my bike.

The relationship started to be less and less enjoyable, and feel more and more like work, because we were having so many arguments.

I felt like spending time with her was something that was expected of me, rather than a choice.

I like my personal freedom and I also like being in a relationship.  But not if it means I have to sacrifice everything else in my life.

Why is it so hard for some women to understand that just because I’m busy and independent, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about them or want to be with them?

I want and need a life outside of the relationship too.  And I wanted her to have one too.

Me:  But it sounds like maybe she started to build her life around YOU…

Him:  YES, and I hated that.

I started to resent it.  In the beginning, she had all kinds of other things to do besides just see me.

Then gradually she wanted to spend all her time with me.  Then she started talking about us moving in together and how wonderful that would be so we could be together all the time.

All I was thinking was how miserable I would be, because if I felt this smothered already, what would it be like if we were living together?

I wanted her to be happy.  I loved her.  But it felt like no matter what I did, it wasn’t enough to make her happy and still be happy myself.

So, after a lot of conversations trying to explain how I felt, I finally ended it.  I told her I felt like we just wanted two different things.

I don’t want to stay with someone I can’t make happy.

Making the woman in my life happy, makes ME happy.  But if I can’t accomplish that without sacrificing the things that make me happy and successful, then I’m not going to be much fun to live with, you know?

The funny thing is if she had just relaxed about everything and not been so attached to making things happen, I’m sure we could have worked it out.

But the way it was, it felt forced and like she was pushing the relationship at me.  And that just made me want to run for the hills.

Why did she change from the happy, contented, confident woman I fell in love with to someone who became more and more insecure?  Or at least that’s how it felt to me.

Me:  We women can be funny sometimes.  We’re attracted to strong, successful, smart, masculine men like you.

But then we start to get attached to the future of the relationship and all our insecurities rise to the surface.  We start centering everything around the man in our lives and give up the other things we used to do.  We start to feel incomplete without a man and worry about being alone.  Our fears get the better of us, we start to be afraid you’ll leave and we push for even more togetherness and commitment.

Him:  That’s what happened.  And it’s so ridiculous because I really had no intention of leaving.  I’m monogamous.  I like being in a committed relationship.

I was attracted to her because she was strong and independent, yet feminine.  I found it very sexy.

But little by little she became needy and dependent, and wanted to control everything.

If you want to push a guy away, that’s the fastest way to do it!

Me:  I used to make all those same mistakes.  Until I learned that the worst thing you can do when you start seeing someone is to try and control the outcome of the relationship and start having expectations about your partner.

Him:  Those expectations are a like a death sentence for me.  It takes all the fun out of it, because I no longer feel I’m choosing to be with her, but rather it’s just expected.

And when a woman starts centering her life around me, she changes.  She’s no longer the independent, interesting woman I fell in love with, but someone who starts to nitpick at all the little things I do wrong, like not calling or seeing her all the time.

I just wish she could have let go of trying to control everything, both me and the relationship.

If she had just let me have my personal freedom and let ME decide for myself when to see her, I probably would have asked her to move in with me at some point.

But as it was, I felt pushed into something I wasn’t ready for because it was all her idea and she was the one trying to drive the relationship.

I’m a man.  I like to do the driving.

Me:  I know.  I’m sorry it didn’t work out.  You’ll find someone else soon.  You’re a great guy, you just need a really secure woman.

I’ll write an article about our conversation.  Maybe you can give it to your next girlfriend ahead of time, so she won’t make the same mistake.

Him:  Hurry up and write the article…

I learned a lot from this conversation I had with my friend.  Like how we can unknowingly push a guy away when we think we have the best intentions for the relationship.

The best thing we can do with a strong, masculine, independent man is to let go of trying to control everything and instead let things unfold.  Give him his personal freedom, so he WANTS to stay, instead of feeling forced to stay.

Stay focused on making your life happy, and he’ll keep moving the relationship forward… rather than trying to push the relationship along yourself.

Any insights for you?

Post them below and let’s talk about your thoughts after reading this.  I’d love know how you feel.

With much love,

Dawn

ad*ven*ture:  1.  exciting experience, and exciting or extraordinary event or series of events;  2.  bold undertaking, an undertaking involving uncertainty and risk;  3.  involvement in bold undertakings, the participation or willingness to participate in things that involve uncertainty and risk

Remember having summer adventures as a kid?

When everything was fun and exciting…

But certain adventures created that nervous tension we feel when we’re about to do something we’ve never done before.

You know that feeling?

This summer I had a quite a few fun and exciting adventures.

But my biggest adventure, and the one that created that nervous oh-my-God-am-I-really-going-to-do-this tension, was a trip to the Oregon Caves National Monument.

A trip up to the caves isn’t necessarily a big adventure.

But the man in my life (we’ll call him my ‘Tall Guy,’ since he’s 6’2 & I’m 5’4) has a passion for restoring classic motorcycles and loves to take road trips.

Off we went for the three hour ride on his favorite classic motorcycle to The Oregon National Caves.

The Caves are at the top of a 4000 foot mountain.

The motorcycle ride up there was breathtaking and stunning on the narrow one lane road up the mountain.  Definitely an adventure.

But the next day was when our real adventure started.

You know those Things-I-Must-Do-Before-I-Die Lists we all have?

(And if you don’t, you should start one, because they make life infinitely more fun… especially when you get to start crossing things off your list!)

Well on the list of my Tall Guy was a “Go on a Caving Adventure.”

The Oregon Caves Off-Trail Caving Tour Adventure falls more under the third definition listed above for the word “Adventure” – “involvement in bold undertakings that involve uncertainty and risk.”

Had I only known…

But I’m not one to back down in the face of a once-in-a-lifetime adventure, especially when it’s on the Bucket List of the man in my life.

So we suited up in our gear- overalls, hiking boots, hard hats – and hiked up to The Caves.

This caving tour is NOT for the faint of heart.

We climbed.  We descended.  Over uneven, rocky slopes and boulders.

We crawled.  On our hand and knees.  On our bellies.

We negotiated extremely tight spots.

The smallest passageway has a one foot tall ceiling and a width of about fourteen inches for a distance of about twenty feet.  We slithered through sideways like snakes on our stomachs.

We hiked over slippery, rocky surfaces.  Over wet, wobbly rocks.

All in the comfort of a cold, muddy, damp, dripping, forty-four (F) degree cave.

There are only about 2000 people in the world who have taken this off-trail caving tour because you have to fit within their very specific physical requirements.

Like I said, it is NOT for the faint of heart.

But it was an incredible adventure.

For over three hours, we hiked, crawled and squeezed into places I never would have thought I could manage.

It wasn’t just a test of my physical strength and endurance.  It was a greater test of my inner determination and courage.

It pushed me way beyond my comfort zone.  But that’s exactly what made it such an amazing experience for me.

And that’s what adventures are for…

Pushing us beyond what we think we’re capable of.  Helping us move past our limiting beliefs about what’s possible for our lives, our relationships and ourselves.

I came back from that adventure with a bigger view of my life, of myself and my relationship with my Tall Guy because we experienced it all together.

When we push ourselves beyond our limiting beliefs, our whole world expands.

And when we share those experiences and adventures with someone else, it adds another layer of connection and depth to our relationship.

It not only makes the adventure more meaningful, it makes the relationship more meaningful.

“You know, I never would have done this without you,” my Tall Guy said to me as we hiked down the mountain after our caving adventure.

“Really?” I said. “How come?”

“Because it was so much more fun and meaningful with you, than it ever would have been without you.”

“Then we should go on another adventure,” I said looking up at him.

“We will,” he said smiling.  And we have.

Don’t ever stop having adventures.

In addition to making your life more fun and interesting, they give you a bigger view of YOU.

And that makes YOU infinitely more interesting.

You’ll automatically become more magnetic to YOUR someone special whether he’s in your life yet or not.

Even if you’re adventuring alone, you never know who you might meet.

It may end up being the greatest adventure of your life… and in love.

Of course, we all have different ideas for what defines an adventure.

What’s your definition of an adventure?

How did your last adventure make you feel?

More importantly, when will you go on your next adventure and what will you do?

Share it with me below, okay?

I’d love to know.

I can’t wait to hear about your adventures!

Until next time,

With much love and wonderful blessings for your greatest adventures in love and in life yet to come,

Dawn

P.S.  My Tall Guy and I are the two on the far right.

And in the cave photo, we’re the two on the far left.

“Do I really need to read yet another dating book…?”  I thought to myself when I picked up Ali Binazir’s, The Tao of Dating.

I’m trying to finish my own book, let alone have time to read someone else’s.

But I did read it.  And I’m glad I did.

The Tao of Dating is definitely a book worth reading and I highly recommend it.

Ali looks at dating with a slightly different perspective that has a lot to do with masculine and feminine energy.

Masculine and feminine energy?  Ah!  I LOVE those discussions!

But what really intrigued me was Ali’s concept about what we need for a lasting relationship.

He calls it the “Three Chakra Connection.”

The three connections Ali refers to are from Hindu philosophy representing the head, heart and body…

Or, the physical, mental and emotional/spiritual connections.

Ali’s idea is if you’re going to have a great relationship, you need to connect on all three levels – head, heart and body.

If you have two out of the three, you can have a good short-term relationship.

But you won’t have the deep, lasting fulfillment most of us want in a long-term relationship… what my dear friend, Arielle Ford refers to “soul mate love.”

So this whole concept got me thinking…

Could that have been part of the problem in some of my previous relationships?

I didn’t have a “three chakra connection” with the guy?

Hmmmm.

The more I thought about it, the more truth to it I could see.

In almost every previous relationship I had at least one out of the three connections missing.  And in some cases two out of three.

Okay, well, when it was two out of three missing, it was because there was a physical connection only… tons of chemistry, not much else to sustain the relationship.

Once those hormones start flying, it’s easy to overlook not having any other connections with a guy.

And once those hormones stop flying, it’s just as easy to wonder what the heck we were thinking when we got involved with this person, because we have nothing else in common.

Sometimes I had two out of three connections.  But even then it was a struggle.

Looking back, I saw how many times I tried to overlook not having the one missing connection in a relationship.

If the emotional connection was missing, I’d try to overcome it by being more loving, more understanding, more giving… in hopes that it might develop if I just put more of my time and energy into the relationship.

It never worked.

Those men usually turned out to be emotionally unavailable.  And emotionally unavailable men are, well, emotionally unavailable, and not capable of a lasting emotional connection.

I’d get glimpses of emotional connectivity now and then that would get my hopes up.  But honestly, the amount of work it took get there, simply wasn’t worth it.

Then there were times the intellectual connection was missing.

And big surprise, I employed the same overlooking tactics.

I tried to pretend I didn’t need to have deep, intimate conversations with my partner about goals, dreams and life in general.

But without that mental connection, I just felt unfulfilled and frustrated after awhile, because our conversations all seemed so shallow.

There were a few times I even tried to pretend not having a physical connection with a man didn’t matter.

Okay, that was probably pretty stupid.

A few weeks into the relationship, I’d generally find myself saying things like, “…but he’s such a nice guy.  Maybe something will change and I’ll start being attracted to him if I just hang in there a little longer.”

It never changed.  I just wasted more of my time and his.

When we only have two connections in a relationship, regardless of which ones they are, eventually the lack of the third starts to affect the other two.

Not having a consistent emotional connection with a man, eventually took its toll on the physical aspect of the relationship, because I didn’t feel I could share my heart.

And the same was true of not having an intellectual connection.  Without having a partner I could feel free to talk to about anything and everything, the emotional and physical connections just started to unravel.

Then I thought about the man I’m with now.  And why this relationship stands out far above any of my previous ones.

It’s because we connect on every level – physically, intellectually and emotionally.

And it all just works.

So, I’m interested…

If you look back on some of your previous relationships, how many connections did you have in common with your partners?

Was it maybe two of three?  Or God forbid, like I did a few too many times, just one out of three?

Don’t settle for less than having all three connections with a man- physical, mental and emotional.

We NEED all three.

You DESERVE all three.

HOLD OUT for all three.

It’s so worth it.  YOU are worth it.

I’d love to know how having or NOT having these connections affected your relationships…

Does having all three matter?

I think it does.

Let me know what you think, okay?

Just post your thoughts, comments and questions below… I really want to hear from you.

Until next time,

With love and magical blessings,

Dawn

Has something ever happened to you when suddenly you had that gnawing sense of déjà-vu?  Like you had been through this before?

That happened to me the other day when my daughter and I took a trip so she could do some shopping for school clothes.

While we were away, I went to an Abraham-Hicks seminar to brush up on more of their law of attraction teachings.

I’ve been to them in the past, but every time I go I learn something new.

Or, in this case, RE-LEARN something new.

With a vivacious 16-year old around, I need all the practice I can get.

And this was blatantly pointed out to me during our shopping trek…

As much as I looked forward to spending time with my daughter, by the end of the first day we were already arguing over how much money she could spend.

We were both frustrated and drained by the whole experience.

Then it started coming back to me…

A couple of years ago, we went through this EXACT same thing.  Ugh.  Had I learned nothing?

How many times was I going to have to recreate this experience before I learned the lesson it was apparently here to teach me?

So, I’m in this Abraham-Hicks seminar listening to how we can’t create something different in our lives if we continue to ‘beat the drum of what is.’

In other words, if we continue to keep telling ourselves the same old stories, we will continue to get more of the same old results.

Okay.  Nothing ground-breaking here for me.  I’ve heard this all before.

However, what I finally realized in my light-bulb moment this time, was that I wasn’t actually putting this knowledge to work… especially in my relationship with my daughter.

Rats.  I hate when that happens.

I thought about all the stories I tell myself about her… like she ALWAYS wants to buy more things than I think she needs.  And she ALWAYS wants to spend more money than I’m willing to spend.

Even before we walked out the door to go shopping, my defenses were raised against her anticipated arguments.

But all my defenses were based on previous stories from the past.

Then I thought about how many times I hear stories from some of my clients who insist there just aren’t any good available men left in the world.

When I know there isn’t any truth to that story because I dated LOTS of wonderful, available men when I was still dating, and I’m still friends with many of them.

They’re all just stories we tell ourselves.

The problem is our old stories keep us stuck, because they affect our expectations.

And by and large, we get what we’re expecting in life.

But the great thing is we can change our stories.

So, I decided to change my story about my daughter and shopping.

I wrote out what I wanted to happen… that shopping would be fun and enjoyable for both of us.

Instead of expecting the same old interaction and preparing myself for the worst, I started thinking about how I wanted it to be.

On our second day of shopping together, the difference was almost miraculous.

There were no knock-down, drag-out fights.  No huge blow-ups or arguments over money.

She was conscientious of her spending, even without my saying anything.  She looked for things on sale.

And praise be, she was appreciative and happy the entire day… which of course, made my entire day :)

Changing the stories we tell ourselves can be challenging.  Believe me, I know.

But sometimes all it takes is to stop ‘beating the drum of what is’ and instead focus on ‘what could be…’

To shift from talking about what we don’t want, to talking about what we do want.

To tell ourselves the story of how we want it to be, instead of how it’s been in the past.

Because our future reality is only created from the past if we choose it to be.

We CAN create something different RIGHT NOW.  We can choose a different story.

We can create a future based on what we choose to tell ourselves today.

Whether it’s changing our stories about men and relationships, or in my case, changing the story about my daughter and shopping…

Our stories can be changed for the better.  If we just choose the ones we want.

What are the stories you’ve told yourself in the past?

And what are the new stories you’d like to tell yourself today?

I’ve LOVE to hear them!

Please post them below and I will respond :-)

Until next time,

Make all your stories be grand and wonderful ones… because you so deserve them!

Much love,

Dawn

P.S.  “Meet And Marry Mr. Right- Magically Magnetize the Man of Your Dreams:  Your Guide to Love” is your no-cost guide to finding and keeping the right man for YOU.  I personally respond in depth to many questions received via my blog that I feel in my heart will help the most women (you are welcome to remain anonymous if you wish).  It is my heartfelt intention that in answering your questions, I will provide the support and guidance you need to attract the love of your life and have the deep, magical, loving relationship you desire.  Simply submit YOUR question below.

P.S.S.  May I ask you to help me spread the word about my blog and newsletter?  Is there someone you know who is stuck, struggling, lost, or unhappy with their love life?  If so, I would love to help.  Feel free to share this article with them.  No matter what their question, what their predicament, or if they’ve never heard of me before … they can also post a question right here and I’ll do my very best to offer support.

Have you ever been striving for something you want… love, money, success, a new relationship, and yet felt like no matter what you did something was keeping you stuck?

Something was stopping you from moving forward and being able to achieve what you wanted?

And yet you couldn’t quite put your finger on what it was?

I’ve felt exactly that same way.

There were things I wanted to create in my life, mostly having to do with taking my business to the next level that for some reason just weren’t happening. And I couldn’t figure out why.

It seemed like no matter what I did, I just kept coming up against all kinds of obstacles and challenges that prevented me from moving forward.

I was really beside myself in trying to figure out what I could be doing to attract all the mishaps and barriers to my success.

I had done all the usual Law of Attraction work… I was very clear about what I wanted, had done a lot of internal work to clear any limiting beliefs, and was really committed to the process of doing whatever it took to manifest my desire.

What was I missing?

I finally got to the point where I just surrendered and gave it up to God.

I asked for guidance as to what was preventing me from moving forward and how I was keeping myself stuck.

That same day, I happen to watch a little 5 minute video entitled, “Did You Know That Environment Always Wins?”

I watched the video. And then watched it again.

And then again.

And then again.

I’ll probably watch it again.

God might as well have hit me over the head with a hammer.

Suddenly the light bulb went off and it became abundantly clear to me what had been holding me back. And how I was keeping myself stuck.

I had done everything necessary to manifest my desire, except for one thing…

I hadn’t changed my environment.

I’m not talking about my physical environment, although that can be equally as critical.

No, this was about the people I’d been surrounding myself with.

People who I loved dearly and who were truly good people, but who weren’t supporting the highest vision of me and my life.

They still saw me as the insecure, not terribly successful person I used to be years ago.

NOT the person I am now. And by continuing to surround myself with these people, it was keeping me stuck from moving on to a greater level of success in my life.

But a part of me just didn’t want to believe that. I thought I could be bigger than the situation and my environment.

The truth was I just didn’t want to let go. I was afraid of what would happen.

I didn’t want to hurt them or make them feel bad.

Yet, by keeping them in my life, I was essentially saying to the Universe that they were more important than I was.

I was sacrificing my own feelings and desires to theirs, just to make sure they wouldn’t be hurt.

But the painful, painful truth was they didn’t value me.

They weren’t supporting my desires. They wanted to keep me where I was because that’s the only vision of me they had.

I had grown, but their vision of me hadn’t.

G-R-O-W-I-N-G pains. Sometimes they really suck.

I’ve seen it happen in relationships over and over again. And certainly experienced it myself.

One partner grows and develops in their life, and the other doesn’t.

And the partner who doesn’t continues to try and keep the other one from growing, because they realize either they will have to grow too, or their partner will eventually move on.

This can be a REALLY scary thing to look at in our lives.

It sure has been for me.

But I also know that if I don’t let go, I’ll never be able to grow to the level I want.

When the people around you aren’t supporting your desires and dreams for the future, eventually your environment will win.

Eventually you’ll either be dragged down to their level or you’ll just stay stuck right where you are.

Years ago, I worked in an office full of women who LOVED to bad mouth the men in their lives or just men in general. Every day I’d go in to work and get sucked into their stories of all their trial and tribulations with men.

I finally realized that if I was ever going to have manifest the relationship I desired with a man I was going to have to distance myself from these women or their bitterness would start affecting the way I felt about men as well.

So coming from one who is all too familiar with the pains of growth, I’m going to give you an assignment:

Where is your environment keeping you stuck?

Are there people in your life who aren’t supporting your vision of your greatest self? Your greatest life? Your greatest relationship?

Then it’s time to start cleaning out and letting go.

What’s one thing you can let go of today?

Is there a person or relationship that’s no longer serving you?

Or maybe some old stuff from the past that you’ve been hanging on to because there’s a part of you that doesn’t want to let it go?

It’s time to step into the new version of you… fully and completely.

And that means letting go of everything in your life that isn’t serving you.

You don’t have to do it all at once.

Just take the first step. Do the first thing.

The rest will follow. And with every step forward you’ll feel more and more empowered.

And you’ll find the Universe stepping forward to support you.

It can be scary and painful at first. Believe me I’m right there with you.

But I also know that when we let go of what’s no longer serving and supporting us, we make room for what will.

And like the caterpillar climbing out of its cocoon… it’s a worthwhile trip.

You emerge as the butterfly and get to fly to your dreams… whether that’s the man of your dreams or the success that’s eluded you up till now.

Climb out of your cocoon and out of the environment that has held you back, and your dreams will be there waiting for you.

Open your arms. Your time is NOW.

And if you’d like some help breaking free from that old cocoon once and for all, just fill out one of my cards below and let’s talk :)

With love, light and blessings,

Dawn

That’s me.  In blue.  In the middle.

Surrounded by a bevy of support at an event with my mentor, Kendall Summerhawk.

But not just any support.

The kind of support we receive from people who believe in us… who hold a bigger vision for us than we sometimes can for ourselves.

People who have “believing eyes” when we may not be able to see the road ahead.

People who will hold us up rather than drag us down.

What does this have to do with finding your Mr. Right?

When we’re trying to do something we’ve never done before, like attracting our soul mate or having the relationship we’ve always dreamed of, support can be critical.

Years ago, when I was struggling to shift my beliefs about men and relationships, a big part of the problem was I was surrounded by a lot negative role models.

I worked in an office where the women came to work every morning moaning, groaning and complaining about the men in their lives.

Snide comments.  Sarcastic remarks.  Cruel jokes.

It was a band of Negative Nellie’s.

When I first started, I jumped on their negative bandwagon so I could fit in and not be left out of the conversation.

But then I started dating a guy I really liked.

Suddenly being in a conversation about how awful and idiotic men were just didn’t seem right.

I didn’t want to listen to their negative comments anymore.

I had started to learn about the law of attraction and was beginning to understand the more negative comments I made ABOUT men, the more negative things I was going to attract WITH men.

So, I decided to remove myself from the male bashing gabfest that occurred regularly every morning.

Outwardly, it got a little lonely.  I pretty much had to isolate myself for awhile.

Inwardly, I felt better.

My positive beliefs were growing stronger the more I refused to let in negativity from others.

I sheltered my new beliefs that I could create something different than the unhappy relationships these women were experiencing.

Not long ago I wrote an article called, “Your Environment Always Wins.”

The truth is… it does.

If we’re in an environment surrounded by people who are constantly being negative, it will eventually drag us down and keep us stuck.

We won’t believe that we can’t create anything different.

We may join them in their negative conversation and say we’re just joking around… but the Universe is always listening to what we say … and believes us.

If we toss around negative comments about men and focus on everything that’s wrong, that’s what the Universe will bring us more of…

More stuff about men to complain about.

When I shifted my focus from everything that was wrong about men to everything I could find that was right about them, and started looking for things to appreciate, instead of things to complain about, my relationships with men improved dramatically.

Sad though it may be, sometimes our family, friends and co-workers just don’t know how to be supportive of what we want.

Mine definitely did not.

There were very few people who understood when I said I didn’t want to participate in a negative conversation, because I wanted to create something different than more of the same negative stuff.

Actually, there were no people who understood.

I got a lot of blank stares.

I stopped trying to explain it.

Gradually, as I felt more secure in my positive beliefs, it got easier not get sucked into negativity.

I just chose not to participate in those conversations.

And I intentionally set out to find better role models and more supportive people.

People who supported the positive beliefs I now had about love and relationships.

Because ultimately what held me back from love was not BELIEVING I have it.

It took work to shift my beliefs about what was possible for my life and relationships.

But we attract what we believe in.

When I shifted my beliefs, what I attracted shifted too.

Eventually having a support system made a huge difference.

So, if you’re trying to attract the love of your life, make sure you surround yourself with people who believe you can do it.

Look for positive role models for the kind of relationship you want.

And if none exist around you, read books that help to inspire you.

Surround yourself with positive influences and believing eyes.

Because I KNOW without a doubt that you DESERVE love and CAN find your Mr. Right, if you’re willing to do what it takes.

There ARE great men out there.

And wonderful relationships.

The path gets easier when you have support you can lean on when the going gets tough.

And there are times when it will.  Letting go of old beliefs and creating new ones is a process.  It can take time.

But you can do it.

And if you don’t have the support in your life right now, you’ve got it here.

I’ll keep inspiring your heart and help you BELIEVE you can find love and HAVE the relationship you’ve always dreamed of.

Post your thoughts, questions or comments below… and I’ll offer as much support as I can and the believing eyes you deserve.

Until next time,

Much love and big hugs,

Dawn

This week’s “Meet and Marry Mr. Right- Your Guide to Love” is a continuation of my last post with comments from a terrific counselor, Linda Dieffenbach (www.wellnessinharmony.com & www.autumngoddessretreat.com) about emotionally unavailable men.

If you missed the first part of this article, just click here.

Linda wrote: “…Ultimately, to find love in this world, we must first find it within our own hearts. When we are full, we no longer seek someone else to fulfill us, therefore leaving us open to both give and receive love without fear, a sense of lack, or with putting unrealistic expectations on another person. We are able to open our hearts knowing that we can give love freely because there is more than enough.”

Linda, you described beautifully why we attract dysfunctional relationships and what we need to do to stop repeating patterns from the past.

Here’s what I discovered.

I tended to attract people at the same level of my own emotional maturity at the time.

When my level of emotional growth changed, what showed up on the outside changed too.

As you mention, it’s about getting to a place of emotional growth where we can fully love and accept ourselves. And from that place attracting a relationship from desire rather than the need to fill a void inside ourselves.

What I learned was until I unhooked myself from the past, I tended to look to my relationships with men as a means to fill the holes in my heart… the parts of myself that hadn’t been healed.

But looking to my relationships as a way to fill those holes was like pouring water into a leaky bucket.

No matter how much water I poured in, it was never enough.

My heart was not a solid container.

And I was not a solid container for love.

I attracted men with the same familiar patterns of the relationships I grew up with hoping for a different, less painful outcome.

I had absentee, uninterested father. I attracted men who were emotionally distant and unable to commit.

I had an abusive, controlling stepfather. I attracted men who were controlling, irrational and abusive.

I had a mother who was critical and judgmental. I attracted men who were critical and judged everything I did as right or wrong.

I attracted relationships that were identical to ALL those unhealed relationships from the past.

Isn’t it amazing what we do sometimes without realizing it?

I unconsciously chose men to play out roles from each of the dysfunctional relationships I had growing up.

Hoping to finally receive the love, approval and acceptance I didn’t get the first time.

Same scenarios, different people, same outcome.

But the outcome couldn’t be any different.

Looking for things outside myself to make me feel better was like putting band-aids on a leaky bucket.

Nothing was going to help, because I wasn’t doing the work to actually FIX it.

So how do we outgrow our pasts and become a solid container for love?

We have to recognize the patterns we’re living out.

For me, it was like waking up from a bad dream.

But with clarity comes the ability to change.

I stopped blaming men I had attracted for all my relationship woes.

They had only played out the roles I had unconsciously given them.

Until I let go of blame, I wasn’t taking responsibility for what I created, which made it impossible to create something different.

Blame takes away all our power.

I had to forgive myself and everyone else involved.

Without forgiveness, I kept myself glued to the past.

Stepping out of a place of judgment about the past allowed me move forward.

It wasn’t about deeming men and those painful relationships as right or wrong.

They were just part of my learning curve.

Granted, it was a BIG learning curve.

But, we don’t know what we don’t know.

And when we know better, we do better (thank you, Oprah).

In accepting responsibility based on who I was and what I knew at the time, I could NOW do things differently.

Awareness and understanding are empowering.

I learned to give myself the love, approval and acceptance I had wanted to receive from others.

Filling those holes from the past and letting go of the insecurities, the neediness, the doubts, the fears… then, I could start attracting by design, instead of by default.

I became a solid container for love.

I trusted. I was enough. Exactly as I was.

And YOU can too.

And here’s the really cool thing…

When we become aware of who we are and what we want, we can choose a healthy role model for our relationships instead of a dysfunctional one.

I wanted a role model for a man who was smart, strong, protective, honest, generous, trustworthy, and responsible. My grandfather was all of those things.

And the man I’m with now is all of those things as well.

Once we’re free of the past, we CAN find what we’re looking for.

YOU can and you will. I know it.

Get clear about what you want. And who you are.

Get free of the past. And do the work to fix your leaky love bucket.

Then watch the miracles that happen when you start attracting by design, instead of by default.

I’d LOVE to hear from you!

Please post your thoughts, comments or questions BELOW and I promise to respond to every one :)

Until next time,

Big hugs and much love,
xoxo,

Dawn

P.S.  “Meet And Marry Mr. Right: Your Guide to Love” is your weekly, no-cost guide to finding and keeping the right man for YOU.  Each week I select and personally respond in depth to one question received via my blog that I feel in my heart will help the most women (you are welcome to remain anonymous if you wish).  It is my heartfelt intention that in answering your questions, I will provide the support and guidance you need to attract the love of your life and have the deep, magical, loving relationship you desire with the man of your dreams.  Simply submit YOUR burning question BELOW.

P.S.S.  May I ask you to help me spread the word about this newsletter?  Is there someone you know who is stuck, struggling, lost, or unhappy with their love life?  If so, I would love to help.  No matter what their question, what their predicament, or if they’ve never heard of me before … if they would like to ask for help, they can post a question at http://dawncarylallen.com , I will do my very best to help.

Prefer to listen to this week’s article? Just click below or you can download the MP3 : )

Click here to download…

This week’s question from “Meet and Marry Mr. Right- How to Finally Find and Keep the Right Man For You: Your Guide to Love” comes from a brilliant counselor and healer who opened a  powerful discussion about emotionally unavailable men…

“Hi Dawn.

I would be happy to add some questions/ideas that I think would be important to include regarding relationships.  Here are two patterns that I often see within my clients, and that I have struggled with in the past:

1. Being attracted to wounded people that require being in the role of caregiver/teacher/healer.  In this dynamic, we are initially drawn to them because we recognize ourselves in them, or perhaps, they align with a role we have played out in familial relationships, or other dynamics.  Initially, we find fulfillment in the relationship through helping the other, but the relationship dynamic requires that 1. The other person be wounded and therefore unable to give back to their partner (us) 2. Us to be looking at our partners as needing to change – not accepting them and loving them as they are.  It goes deeper than this and there are many layers and overlaying dynamics, but I imagine you know exactly the dynamic I am referring to.  We find ourselves attracted to emotionally unavailable men/partners and wonder why they are not fulfilling our needs, and yet we ourselves are unable to tend to and fill our own needs, and ultimately do not feel ourselves deserving of receiving love.

2. That leads into the second common dynamic that I encounter… we do not know how to give love to ourselves, we do not feel ourselves deserving of love, and oftentimes, we do not even know what it truly means to love ourselves (or perhaps, more simply put, we do not know what it means to love, period).  We generally have very poor role models in this area, and numerous societal norms that flat out reject the idea of self-love all together.

Ultimately, to find love in this world, we must first find it within our own hearts.  When we are full, we no longer seek someone else to fulfill us, therefore leaving us open to both give and receive love without fear, a sense of lack, or with putting unrealistic expectations on another person.  We are able to open our hearts knowing that we can give love freely because there is more than enough.

So, that is my $.02!  Looking forward to seeing your book!

Bright Blessings,

Linda”

Linda Dieffenbach

484-354-0499

www.wellnessinharmony.com

www.autumngoddessretreat.com

Dearest Linda,

Ah, the bane of being attracted to emotionally unavailable or wounded men.  And the resulting BIG, “Why the heck did I do that?” question afterwards.

Like you, I’ve seen it with my clients, and I’ve gone through it myself.

I know it all too well.

We attract men who are wounded or emotionally unavailable thinking we can love and care for them enough, so they’ll heal and get over the past.

As women, it’s in our natures to be caregivers.  We can be generous to a fault.

We think that if we just do more, are more understanding, more giving, they’ll become emotionally available.

Yet, somehow, it just doesn’t quite work that way.

I was in one of those relationships with a man years ago.

I excused his inability to give back emotionally, because he had been deeply wounded in a previous relationship.

I thought by showing him the love and acceptance he said hadn’t received before, I could help him open his heart and love again.

So I willingly accepted his emotional volatility.  Gave him unceasing amounts of love and attention.  Catered to his unpredictable and unreliable nature.

Looking back, I see it was kind of like living with a two-year old.  But two year-olds grow up.  This guy didn’t.

And after a few years of constant caretaking, I was not only exhausted, I was emotionally drained.

Taking care of his emotional needs was a full-time job.

I realized I had to start taking care of my own needs, or I wouldn’t have anything left for either one of us.

But when I started to do that, my partner didn’t like it.  In fact, he resented it.

I was less available to cater to his unending needs.  And like a two year old, he threw tantrums to show me how MUCH he didn’t like it.

I had unconsciously stepped into the role of a parent and caregiver under the guise of being in love.

As parents, we may have to deal with tantrums and immature, selfish behavior from our young children.

But as adults… with adults?  We really don’t have to.

The problem is no matter how much we may love someone who’s wounded or behaving badly, if they’re not willing to grow and change, the relationship stays stuck in that pattern.

When I was no longer willing to be the unconditionally accepting parent and caregiver I had been, the resentment and animosity between us grew.

We went to countless therapists and counselors, but none of them could help.  He simply didn’t want to take responsibility for ANY part of the relationship, or his behavior.

Why should he?  From the beginning, our unspoken agreement had been that I would give and he would take.

To him, if something wasn’t working, it was my fault.  I just needed to DO more.

But I was drained.  I had nothing left to give… to him or to me.

And without the relationship changing, I was dying a slow death.

I had to leave.

Getting free of the drama, trauma and pain of that relationship felt liberating.

But it was also one of the most difficult things I ever had to do.

All that drama and trauma had actually become addictive.

I had started to think that’s what love is (it’s not by the way).

My emotional wound of needing to be needed fit in perfectly with his wound of needing to be taken care of and a constant need for attention.

I grew up with an absentee father, so it made sense that I yearned to feel needed.

I also grew up with an abusive stepfather.

So there was a LOT of drama, trauma and pain growing up, which made it easy to become attached to a man who replicated those same familiar patterns.

Sometimes we mistake something we grew up with for love, because it feels familiar.

It doesn’t mean that’s what it is.

You’re absolutely right, Linda.  To find love we have to find it within our own hearts first.

We have to give love to ourselves before we can give it to another.

And just as nobody can do that work for us, we also can’t do that work for somebody else.

My mistake was both in not learning to give love to myself first and not healing my emotional wounds.

It was also in thinking I could somehow give someone else enough love that they would start loving themselves, heal from their wounds and become emotionally available in a relationship.

It just doesn’t work that way.

But after I left that relationship, the question then became WHY did I attract this to begin with?  And what could I do to make sure it didn’t happen again?

And that’s what’s up in Part 2 of this article.

In the meantime, I’d LOVE to hear from you!

What have you experienced being with a wounded or emotionally unavailable man?

What did you learn?

Please post your thoughts, comments or questions below and I’ll respond within the week : )

Until next time,

Big hugs and much love,

xoxo,

Dawn

P.S.  “Meet and Marry Mr. Right:  Your Guide for Love” is your weekly, no-cost guide to finding and keeping the right man for YOU.  Each week I select and personally respond in depth to one question received via my blog that I feel in my heart will help the most women (you are welcome to remain anonymous if you wish).  It is my heartfelt intention that in answering your questions, I will provide the support and guidance you need to attract the love of your life and have the deep, magical, loving relationship you desire with the man of your dreams.  Simply submit YOUR burning question below.
P.S.S.  May I ask you to help me spread the word about this newsletter?  Is there someone you know who is stuck, struggling, lost, or unhappy with their love life?  If so, I would love to help.  No matter what their question, what their predicament, or if they’ve never heard of me before … if they would like to ask for help, they can post a question at http://dawncarylallen.com, I will do my very best to help.