News is coming in that David Cameron and Nick Clegg have merged to form one person with a big shiny forehead in a blue suit.

DoTJ sources have told us that after much wrangling between The Lib Dems and Tories the new merged PM will be called Dick Cleggon, after an initial proposal of Dirk Cameregg was rejected.

One eyewitness has told us of the media frenzy that surrounded the pair shortly before the merge.

“It was incredible! I was blinded by the glare and the light. Fortunately George Osbourne was on hand to put some mattifying powder on Mr Cameron’s big shiny forehead and I could see again.”

Further plans to merge members of the Lib Dems with prominent Tories are also in discussion. Amongst proposed merges are Paddy Ashdown joining with Defence Secretary Dr Liam Fox to become Dr Pammy Foxdown and Business Secretary Vince Cable joining with Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt to become Jenny Cuntle.

In other news, Gordon Brown has returned to the public eye when he was unveiled as the new face of budget supermarket Farm Foods.

A study carried out by German researchers has concluded that a future in which robots help around the home could result in a human blood bath.

The researchers used a variety of bladed tools in the study including a steak knife, kitchen knife, chainsaw and a ride-on petrol lawnmower.

The experiment involved a robot arm weighing 14kg and a 1.1m reach which was programmed to use the bladed tools to stab and cut a silicone lump, a leg from a dead pig and the arm of a human volunteer.

Three researchers from the Institute of Robotics and Electric Boogaloo at the German aerospace agency wanted to carry out the tests because they envisage a future in which robots will start to become domestic helpers.

The robots could possibly have names like The Vacuumator or Domesticon, but according to scientists this doesn’t mean they won’t snap you like a flimsy twig.

Striking, stabbing and puncturing tests were performed on the silicone and pig leg. Deep cuts resulted in most cases that, the researchers said, could prove to be “lethal” if inflicted on a living subject.

“It is clear that a robot severing someone’s head from their body with a chainsaw and then repeatedly running over the still conscious head with a ride-on lawnmower until it is nothing but a bloody pulp wouldn’t be what someone would class as domestic help. It is for this reason that we have carried out these tests to try and get a picture of what might happen and how we can prevent it.” said researcher Dr Otto Von Schweinsteiger.

Other studies planned by the research team include Would it be dangerous to play Swingball with machetes and The associated risks of performing a vesectomy with a Combine Harvester.

A plane carrying former UKIP overlord Nigel Farage has been shot down over Northamptonshire.

Farage was flying the Fokker Tri-Plane, that was used by Manfred von Richthofen AKA The Red Baron, over the East Midlands county, when he was attacked by The Deputy Leader of The Liberal Democrats Vince Cable, flying a Sopwith Camel.

Eyewitness reports suggest that Farage was seen shaking his fist at Cable, before the Liberal Democrat economy spokesman hit him with concentrated fire from twin synchronized machine guns.

A UKIP spokesthing said “We can confirm that Nigel was shot down over Northamptonshire at around 8.10 this morning. A special UKIP rescue team were quickly on the scene and he was moved to an area considered to be less dirty and common”

Cable celebrated his heroics by performing some aerobatics over Northampton town centre and attempting to spell The Liberal Democrats election slogan with his vapour trail.

He got as far as ‘Change that works for you. Building a fai’ before running out of fuel and crashing into the Grovesnor Shopping Centre.

The last of the Call My Bluff: PM specials has now finished and all the polls show David Cameron ahead.

A YouGov poll for Rupert Murdoch puts the Tory leader on 41%, followed by Nick Clegg on 32% and Gordon Brown on 25%.

A DoTJ analyst gives his thoughts on how the leaders performed.

“The main problem for Gordon Brown is that he tends to use words that are not picked up by voters. The nation can’t hear words properly that consist of more than seven letters. Words like ‘experience’ and ’substance’ confuse the public. Unfortunately for Brown words like ‘Bigoted’ are heard loud and clear. Clegg and Cameron have picked up on this and Cameron’s use of the word ‘change’ and Clegg’s continual referral to the word ‘fairer’ have been popular with the electorate.”

Clegg is second in all but one of the polls and it is thought that the fact that he used the word ‘fairer’ a total of 14,761 times in last nights debate has helped elevate him from political no-hoper to possible punchy hardnut.

The use of a key word that falls into the ‘less than seven letter bracket’ has also benefitted Cameron, who used the word ‘change’ an astonishing 22,859 times.

Brown however has a smile that would make you want to cross the road if you saw him coming, and his use of long words has left the nation confused, angry and stupid.”

In an experiment carried out after last night’s debate, scientists played back a recording of Brown saying the words ‘Substance’ and ‘Experienced’ to a selection of voters. 78% said they clearly heard Brown say ‘I drown kittens’. 15% heard him say ‘I find cancer funny’. The remaining 7% were simply put off by his Scottish accent.

The Taliban

Taliban Fighters

The Taliban are a species of teddy-bear-like hunter-gatherers that inhabit the forest moon of Endor. They make look cute and cuddly, but these guys have one objective – To kill!

Although their weapons are considered primitive in comparison to The Allied Forces’ armoury, their Improvised Devices have claimed the lives of many.

A Taliban Airforce pilot prepares to drop rocks on our boys

Al Qaeda

Osama Bin Laden

Terrorist organisation that come from the planet Mongo. Responsible for the September 11th attacks that prompted the US to launch the War on Terror.

Al Qaeda terrorists can’t be bargained with. They can’t be reasoned with. They don’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And they absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

Members of Al-Qaeda are easy to identify once captured as they can’t smile.

Suicide bombers

Rapid firing cannons that fire depressed muslims at our troops is a threat that is commonplace in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Sub-standard equipment

No Helmet, no body armour! This picture of one of our brave boys highlights how seriously under equipped our troops are. Hang your head in shame, Gordon Brown.

As if the daily threat of attacks from the enemy weren’t enough to deal with, our troops also find that inadequate equipment can also put their lives at risk.

Friendly fire

“Ooops, Sorry guys”

Friendly fire is when people are killed, but no-one gets the blame…….a bit like Hillsborough.

Considered to be an inescapable result of combat, Friendly fire is when our soldiers inadvertantly fire upon their allies.

An Iraqi TV channel has recently aired a You’ve Been Framed Friendly Fire Special.

The Pope’s UK tour is in doubt after it was alledged that urine samples taken from God’s representative on earth contained traces of Nandrolone.

The news will come as a blow to the Catholic church, still reeling from the recent child abuse scandal that has rocked the religion to the very core of its foundations.

Performance enhancing drugs are banned for anyone actively promoting the Catholic faith, and the news that the man at the very pinnacle of Catholicism has been conducting his papal duties while stacked on pumpers will have Catholics everywhere ravaged with shock.

Bishops have been quick to defend The Pope and have put the blame on his heavy schedule in the wake of the child abuse scandals.

“The Pope is working all the hours God sends to try and repair the reputation of the church. Previously he has relied on his faith to motivate others and to perform God’s work. Unfortunately this is no longer enough and he has had to turn to Red Power Ranger Go-Go Juice.” Explained Vincent Nichols, the Archbishop of Westminster.

There have been concerns raised about whether The Pope’s use of Steroids has had any negative side effects.

“I met up with The Pope recently and I can state quite categorically that he didn’t have acne or breasts. I can also confirm that he didn’t throw a statuette of The Virgin Mary at a nun, nor did he shout ‘You fucking poor do my head in!’ From his balcony. These stories are completely made up by bored twats on websites that no cunt reads.” Said The Archbishop of York, John Sentamu

Inanimate space boffin Stephen Hawking has warned that trying to contact alien lifeforms could be catastrophic for Earthlings.

The former rock star turned physicist has said in a new Discovery Channel documentary that extraterrestrials almost certainly exist on other planets and that they will probably have access to great big mahoosive ships capable of total devastation.

Hawking, who is best known for writing the book A Brief History of Time, claims that believing in aliens doesn’t necessarily mean that you have a mental illness.

“To my mathematical brain, the numbers alone make thinking about aliens perfectly rational,” he synthesized. “The real challenge is to work out what aliens might actually be like.”

Hawking has also announced that he plans to ditch the electronic voice that he has used since he lost his voice when he had an emergency tracheotomy in 1985.

Hawking is going to test a new voice synthesizer that uses celebrity voices instead of the monotone version that he is commonly associated with.

Amongst the celebrity voices that Hawking has already tried out include Brian Blessed, Steve Macfadden and Whoopi Goldberg. It is believed that Hawking has dismissed these in favour of Willie Carson.

Friends of Professor Hawking have said that he chose the voice of the former champion jockey because of his infectious laugh.

Britain’s Got Talent runner up Susan Boyle has announced that she has signed a deal with Transworld to release her autobiography.

The book entitled The Woman I Was Born To Be is scheduled for release in Autumn.

DoTJ has received exclusive details of the book and can reveal that the book includes chapters with titles ranging from Fed the cat, Let the cat out, Looked after mum, Fed the cat again, and Where’s the cat gone? Oh, there he is.

Boyle has said that she hoped her story will help others despite once describing her life prior to finding fame as “mundane” and “routine”

“I’m writing this book to try to show that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover and I hope it will benefit other people.”

To demonstrate this the cover of the book won’t feature Boyle looking like a mentally scarred babboon going through the later throws of a head on collision with a steamroller.

Simon Cowell has confirmed that he won’t bother reading the book when it comes out.

“I’m not arsed. I might get someone else to read it and if it mentions me I’ll have them read it to me. The only thing that concerns me is selling records. If she stops doing that then I’ll drop the bitch like a stone.”

EastEnders scriptwriters have come under fire after a leak revealed that they are currently planning a storyline in which Heather Trott and Minty try to rekindle their failed marriage against the backdrop of notorious World War II Nazi concentration camp, Auschwitz.

A spokesman for the award winning soap said “The storyline is an attempt to highlight the suffering that occured and to bring home the events to a younger audience, so that it is something that stays in the public’s conciousness for years to come”

The planned storyline has come under criticism from some groups concerned with the sensitivity, or lack of it, that may accompany an issue that had such a devastating affect on so many people.

“Harrowing scenes of people with skeletal features, sunken eyes and a look of despair are not what you expect when tuning into a prime time TV soap.” Said concerned viewer Tabatha Mchugh, standing next to a picture of Dot Cotton.

BNP leader Nick Griffin has openly criticised the move. In a speech to supporters, he slammed “This is ridiculous! It is about time that people stopped being brainwashed with this nonsense. The facts are there for all to see! The events portrayed aren’t in any shape, way or form based on reality!………..And as for The Holocaust! Don’t get me started on The Holocaust!”