Day 13

New Year, New Blog

2012-01-03T11:18:00.001+00:00

So 2011 stands without a doubt, challenge or contest as the worst year of my life.

While I am still far from being back to my normal self, December at least saw some fairly major progress in that direction. In the spirit of New Years, new starts and all that nonsense I have decided to begin a new blog.

Let us see what 2012 brings then...

http://kevinmorice2012.blogspot.com/

My Year in Numbers

2011-12-29T15:48:00.000+00:00

Normally each chunk of this post would have slipped by as a facebook status update as I went past each of my targets or out-did my previous year's numbers. However, this year I have only actually reached one target out of 10 on the list.

Running
Plan for the year was to average 20miles a week for a total of 1040. This was meant to be a big step up from previous years to accommodate the Edinburgh marathon in May. Only raced 124 miles this year. This included a marathon, and still comes out as my lowest total ever. Even in year's where I was doing sprints and hurdles I was totalling over 145 miles a year of racing. The marathon itself was a nightmare. Original target was 4 hours, after training I expected to go closer to 3:30 but instead ended up at 4:44:25. Completing the marathon did tick off the last event on my list. I have now raced every athletics event, I believe I am the first Moray Roadrunner ever to manage a full set.

End of year running total: 771.8 miles. Still works out as my highest milage year ever, despite coming up nearly 300miles short of target. Total to July 1st was 705.6 miles. Since July 1st 61.2 miles.

Biking
Plan for the year was to just come up slightly from last years low total of 380 to an average of 10 per week for a total of 520. Target was intentionally low as I didn't plan to do anything much on the bike till after the marathon. From there I was expecting to go to a longish ride every weekend and then sail past the target to give me a better idea of what I could handle next year. Only racked up 40 miles of racing on the bike, against last year's 108.

End of year actual total: 253.3 miles. Total to July 1st was 150.3 miles. Since July 1st 103 miles (including 44 going to and from Stonehaven half marathon on July 3rd before going on holiday).

Swimming
Vaguely counting this one as a success for the year despite missing 18 of 50 Club sessions. Target was originally 39 miles based on my 2010 total of 38.7. Last TPT session of the year was a 20 minute time trial and I managed to cover 1100m, compared to only 975 for the same TT last year. Having only been in the water 6 times in the previous 5 months I didn't even expect to get to 1000m.

End of year swimming total 43.6 miles. Total to July 1st was 26 miles. Total since July 1st was 17.6 miles (includes 4.7 miles worth of pool and sea swimming on holiday).

Climbing
Only went once this year. Shouldn't have bothered with it.

Session totals
Including all of the above, gym sessions, weights, circuits, ... I did 218 training sessions this year, against a planned target of 312.

End of year session total was 218. Total to July 1st was 158. Total since July 1st was 60, but since August 1st was only 31.

Other numbers
I turned 35 this year. If I had stepped on a running track since July 6th I would have been the first Moray Roadrunner ever to have compete as a Junior a Senior and a Veteran. I don't think anyone else is in a position to beat me to that claim for another couple of years so I still have time to get it.

So normally I would be sitting down to set my 2012 targets now. But to be honest I don't have any reason to, or for that matter any desire to. There isn't any real point to setting swim and bike targets if I can't run. I don't really trust anyone enough to go climbing with them, and I still don't trust myself to go out on the bike alone.

Fortnight of chaos

2011-12-20T17:20:00.000+00:00

The last two weeks have been extremely hectic. Even by "normal" standards I have been ridiculously busy. Compared to the last 6 months, these two weeks have been almost inconceivable.

Going out to 9 different events and a trip to union square in 2 weeks was too ambitious a target but I did manage 8 of them with varying degrees of nerves, anxiety and fairly mild panic attacks. I was planning to ramble on a bit about each of them but I have lost track of where I even went on most of them. Huge steps forward every time though.

One thing I have noticed during my excursions has been that babysitters come in two distinct types. Either they repeatedly ask if I am ok, or they just ignore things and try to trust me that I will tell them if I need help. No preference for either type but it is strange to see people who used to trust me implicitly suddenly being so over-cautious about whether I can cope with being left alone for a few minutes in public.

At least the security of having someone else in the house for a few days meant I could sleep in my own bed. Have struggled to sleep properly since and spent about half my time back on the sofa, but even occasional nights in bed are another huge step forward.

Monday night was my first serious training session since July. More of that to come in my next blog though.

Busy, Busier, Busiest?

2011-12-04T15:13:00.001+00:00

So apparently since the texts and email threats weren't working, the new plan to intimidate me is to do regular drive-by's of my house. I saw 5 this weekend. Not sure how many I missed as I had visitors and Dexter for big chunks of Saturday.

For anyone who thinks I am being paranoid and just noticing people driving past as part of their normal day. I live at the very end of a dead-end street. You don't drive past my house by accident, most people coming to visit here on purpose struggle to find it even with directions. You certainly don't drive by it 5 times in two days by accident.

On a more positive note:
It has been a good week for visitors. After having a panic attack and running out on swimming on Monday night, I wasn't expecting to see anyone outside of work for the rest of the week. Instead I have had someone round to visit pretty much every evening. I also managed to go back out for a second swim without freaking out thanks to a babysitter dragging me to the pool. All of that combined to leave me calm enough that I managed to go out for a haircut on my own on Saturday morning.

That has obviously been undone since.

I am meant to be out for 4 different dinners this week. Can't see past the first one at the minute. Don't think I am going to cope with the busier ones later in the week.

Week 20

2011-11-25T11:10:00.001+00:00

It has been a couple of weeks since I have posted an update. It's not that I haven't had the time to do it. Time is about all I have had for the last fortnight. I just didn't really have the motivation to do anything much at all with it. My washing and ironing pile is now my entire wardrobe and I just grab something each morning.

Going to Elgin for a couple of days was less successful than I had hoped. In the morning I managed to go out for a couple of hours to help marshall at a race. Even with 60 miles and half a dozen other marshalls that I have known for years I was struggling to cope. I think it is the first time I have been at a cross-country race where one of the marshalls has spent more time being sick than any of the athletes.

Things went rapidly downhill from there. Trying to go swimming on my own lasted about 10 minutes. Even with only 4 other people in the pool I couldn't deal with the crowd of strangers. Managed to go to running with Moray at night but only lasted 2 miles before I couldn't cope. Even with babysitters I have known for 20 years.

Having Friday with Dexter calmed me down a bit again. Or maybe just tired me out.

Been back at work for a shortened week this week. Taking Fridays off to get through my holidays seemed like a good idea at the time but leaves me with three day weekends to survive every week.

Having a couple of weeks without any new threats has been good. Guessing my junk mail filter is finally dealing with them.

Another week over

2011-11-15T10:10:00.001+00:00

After such a great weekend with Dexter the whole of last week was a major disappointment. I had hoped that I would be able to go forward with doing more on my own after managing so much. Going to swimming on Monday was the only success of the whole week.

Sunday I woke up to another delightful email from one of my fans with nothing better to do than make up fake email addresses and send me abuse. I have added it to the collection. I also received a response from UKA last week confirming that they have started their investigation. This just gives me one more to add to their reading pile.

I have so many holidays left to take this year that I have had to start using them up before I lose them. I have 4 days off this week and every Friday off for the rest of the year. Not sure how I will cope without the distraction of going in to the office. I am going to go through to Elgin for a couple of days to save me from just sitting in the house all day. Then when I come back I am going to get Friday with Dexter.

Hopefully the distance will also be enough to let me get out of the house without help. According to the fuel gauge I should find out if that works or not by about Huntly.

I have packed my swimming and running gear, as much out of habit as anything else. I thought about putting the bike in as well but decided it wasn't worth the risk.

Tuesday 8th Nov

2011-11-08T21:35:00.001+00:00

I did manage to drive myself to swimming last night. Had to sit in the car for a while to try and get myself into a state to go in and when I did I still was on the edge of a panic attack even with people to talk to. Felt a bit better once I was in the water but couldn't cope with the session and had to bail out at about 1400m of what should have been 2km.

After two days of trying to get by on 4 hours of sleep I am going to give up on bed and move back to the sofa for tonight.

I don't have a parking space for tomorrow again. But I have at least arranged for an end-of-day meeting so I will have someone to walk me as far as the visitors car park this time.

Dexter-ous Weekend

2011-11-06T22:40:00.001+00:00

Saturday was the most eventful day I have had in months. After an early morning walk in the park and a quick trip to the office, Dexter then took me to the post office, for a haircut and a visit to my granny all before lunch. Then in the afternoon we went out to help set up the course for Methlick duathlon, and then had a drive-thru McDonalds and an early evening walk round the park before the fireworks started. By the time Strictly started one of us was snoring away, by the time it finished we both were.

With Dexter on guard and a couple of completely exhausting day in the bag, I also managed to sleep in my bed for the first time in over two months. Hopefully two nights of that will have been enough that I will manage on my own tonight.

Having done no gardening at all yesterday we did get stuck into that this morning. Shifted nearly two tonnes of stones today. Still another tonne to go but don't think I will get enough daylight for it till next weekend. If I can't manage it then I am off on holiday for most of the following week so will just need to do it through that week.

Friday funday

2011-11-04T20:31:00.003+00:00

First obvious big mistake I have made at work. Trusted myself to do my job properly and then then made a stupid mistake that I would have caught before. Then had to spend an extra hour in the office trying to figure things out and tidy it up. So apparently I am still not able to do my job without someone checking up on me.

As predicted the trip back to the car was beyond horrible. It was about 700m from the office to where I parked and I had to stop to throw up twice on the way. I made thai curry for dinner but I couldn't face eating it.

Dexter will be round soon so hopefully he will distract me enough for the rest of the weekend. Hopefully he will like thai curry for his breakfast. Got loads of outdoor stuff to do with him, and might even try and get him to take me for a haircut as well if I get time.

My one-a-day deletions from facebook is going surprisingly well. Restraining myself from closing my account, or going on a wild binge of deleting people, coupled to making some progress on clearing up is going better than expected. Still plenty more to go though.

Walkies

2011-11-03T23:26:00.005+00:00

I don't have a parking space for work tomorrow. That didn't used to bother me, I just had to get up 15 minutes earlier, park half a mile away and walk in. Not sure what I am going to do tomorrow. Parking in the visitors car park is likely to get me in trouble with security, but I may have to risk that. Walking half a mile on my own might be ok in the morning, but I can't see the trip back to the car at the end of the day being possible. Might have to try and come up with a way to drive and meet the free work bus somewhere.

I do at least have a weekend of Dexter to look forward to, if I can survive tomorrow. Hopefully he will help me go to the post office and finish the garden. Not sure if he likes fireworks but I could see some being set off at the park tonight and I didn't hear them, so hopefully he won't notice either. Planning to tire him out enough on Saturday that he will be too tired to get stressed even if they are loud enough for him to hear.

Another weekend over

2011-10-31T22:26:00.000+00:00

Failed to get to the post office on Saturday morning. That is two weekends in a row now. Think I am going to have to find someone to take me during the week instead.

I have been trying to do my front garden all week but only managing to do 20 minutes or so at a time. Not making enough progress but it is outside the living room. It should only have been a 3 or 4 hours job but doing it bit by bit is at least doubling that.

I had a visitor on Sunday so I got a trip to Asda for a coffee. Took about 4 hours back in my house for the tremors to stop, so I didn't get back out to do anything in the garden.

Next week I am getting Dexter for the whole weekend. Having him around to babysit should at least mean I get out for some fresh air. Hopefully having him around will at least be enough to let me finish the garden.

Hyperbole and a half

2011-10-28T22:46:00.002+01:00

Used to just be a fan because she was funny, now even more of a fan:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

Not a total match but close enough to be a shame that I don't like skittles or have any overdue videos to return.

Dex and down

2011-10-27T00:11:00.000+01:00

I had to spend most of Friday night and Saturday morning reworking all my IT security and trying to figure out what else my hacker had been playing around with. Found some other little things that look like they have been read and possibly copied but while the dates of last edits now read that they were accessed while I was at work there don't seem to be any changes to the contents.

Saturday afternoon was brilliant though. I got to keep Dexter for the whole afternoon. He took me out for a walk for an hour. Didn't make it as far as I wanted but being outside without a human babysitter for so long was definitely a step forward. I even managed to go to KFC while Dex sat in the car. In hindsight that was probably too much as I ended up having to rush home and lock myself in again after dropping Dex off.

Despite having a bad start on Sunday I managed a couple more minor successes. I managed to cook a roast chicken dinner. Hardly Gordon Ramsay but it was a step forward from the no-effort junk food I have been getting by on for the last few months.

The last three days at work have been tough. Short on staff because of holidays and flu so I am having to operate above 100%. Normally that wouldn't be a problem for a week or so, I would just survive to the end of the week and recover through the weekend. At the minute operating even close to that level leaves me wiped out by the time I get to driving home. So for a third night in a row I am exhausted again but I still can't sleep.

Extremes

2011-10-20T19:16:00.000+01:00

And so we go from one extreme to the other. Having been ridiculously bored and unmotivated for the last few weeks today has been a bit of a whirlwind.

Starting at about 1am this morning when I found out that one of you had decided to hack into my hotmail account. I know it was someone who knows me, as they specifically went through and deleted the folder titled "sarah" which had all the abusive messages that I have been sent over the last couple of months while leaving everything else pretty much untouched. It was a neat trick trying to set my account up to BCC your account on all my outgoing emails, and well done on setting the out-of-office to copy you on all my incoming emails.

However, by leaving your address, anonymous as it initially seems to be, you have left some grubby electronic fingerprints all over my account. And by the way, most of the crap has been sent to my other email account, and I have all my emails backed up to my laptop, my pc, and now to the server at work as well. And my solicitor has hard copies of everything up to last weekend as well, so you will need to do a much more thorough job if you want to try deleting the pile of evidence against you and/or your friends.

Today's other major block of excitement was a fire drill at work. Auto-pilot was enough to overcome the basic inertia and get me moving towards the door but I was struggling with the stress of agoraphobia before I was half way down the stairs. Being outside wasn't as bad as I expected as I had some friends around me. Having 400+ people around was more of a problem. Trying to focus on the 4 people you are standing with and pretend that the rest of the crowd don't exist is something of a challenge.

On top of that I have had trips to the psychiatrist, and the GP. I had to go to WHSmith to get a wedding card and to the post box as well. All in, this is by far the most I have been outside or doing things for months. Had to run back from the post box, and been in a shit state since I stopped, but that is the balance for trying to do too much at once.

It's Xmas!

2011-10-19T20:47:00.001+01:00

Xmas Dinner season unofficially started today with the first roast turkey lunch of the season. Still 66 days, and probably about another half dozen turkeys to go.

Hardly slept this week, still got big problems with tremors, not been outside since saturday. At least I am managing to eat enough.

And that's all I have in terms of news.

Saturday 15th October

2011-10-15T10:11:00.002+01:00

It's now Saturday morning. I am watching the Wales vs France semi-final. I bet early on France, and then after the sending off the odds swung so far that I also have a bet on Wales. Now whoever wins I am £40 better off than I was this morning, but this also means I no longer care who wins.

I had planned to get up early this morning and try to go outside before anyone else was about, and then to try and build on that by going to Asda on my own sometime through the weekend. It is now 10am and I am still in my pyjamas so that plan is cancelled for another week.

I have finally given up on wading through the abusive messages being sent to my yahoo email account. If that is your main means of contacting me then you have a couple of days to get in touch and get my new details before I close it. I am not going to publicise my new address. At least this gives me something to do today as I can wander round the internet clearing anywhere that has my old address on it.

Short week, long week

2011-10-11T21:33:00.000+01:00

It has been over a week since I have been on here. I can't even muster the energy to write most days so I just don't bother.

Yesterday was national mental health day. This meant that twitter was awash with links to useful websites.

Had some minor successes over the last week. Been coping better with work. Eating every day without having to force myself and without being sick. Still not really managed to go outside on my own but did manage the supermarket and even a trip to the cinema with babysitters to look after me.

Yesterday was also the first day that I managed to finish a structured training session in over 3 months. Still needed a babysitter to come and drag me there but at least I finished a session.

No psychiatrist this week as he is away on holiday. But I have had a couple of visitors over the weekend and maybe a visit from Dexter to look forward to later in the week.

Some bits of the last week seemed to drag by desperately slowly but at the same time the whole week has disappeared.

Weekend rollercoaster

2011-10-02T20:29:00.000+01:00

Saturday I had a friend come to visit for a couple of hours. We even managed to go out to Asda for a coffee and some cake. Even with someone to look after me and a couple of shots of the supposedly calming herbal stuff I was still struggling with nerves and I had to rush through coffee so we could get back to my house. Doesn't count for my homework either as I am meant to go on my own. And I didn't even get near the treadmill either so still got both to do before Thursday.

I also had a good phonecall from a friend in the evening. I thought between the two of them they had done enough to cheer me up, as I was about as close to normal as I have been in the last few months. So I tried going to sleep in bed at a normal time. After another two and a half hours of not-sleeping again, I gave that up and came back to sleep on the sofa.

Today has been consistently crap from there. I should have been in Inverness, the last race that I had entered was today. A fast 10k on a downhill* course, should have been an easy sub-40 with the form I was in earlier this year. But I didn't even consider going to it. Instead I have been sat in front of the TV all day.

* Better be careful saying that too loud. Stating facts, to friends I have known for 20 years, is apparently not allowed any more without her friends jumping in to argue about them and have a go at me.

A Better Friday

2011-09-30T21:22:00.002+01:00

So it is't specifically Friday's. This week it was a Thursday instead.

In general the up and down nature of the week has continued with occasional periods approaching normality being tempered with returns to the crushing tear-filled lows. The lack of warning of when they are going to come is continually frustrating and almost outweighs the crying attacks themselves. Thursday in particular I was hit with one as I drove home. It wasn't entirely unexpected that I was going to struggle with an event-driven low at some point on Thursday after being treated to more disappointing news on Wednesday evening.

If the attacks in the car keep getting more unpredictable I am going to have to consider whether I can still keep driving. None of them have caused a major problem so far, at least not that I know of, other drivers around me may have a different opinion. The increasing sudden-ness and lack of warning is getting to the point that soon I am going to have to stop somewhere that I am blocking a road rather than being able to pull off to the side.

Today hasn't been the best day but it hasn't been particularly bad either. The highlight of my day was reading an article on the BBC News site this afternoon. It is about someone else who was pushed to the brink of suicide by an event that other people have dismissed as insignificant. His job was put at risk, and despite being rich enough to never have to work again, the very idea of that change in his life impacted on him so much that he turned to drink, drugs and potential suicide.

No doubt he had people telling him that he was weak-willed, it's not like he had a history of doing things with his life that needed any effort of will. And no doubt he had people talking about how he was "crazy" (although since people only sneak around saying it to each other behind my back I sincerely doubt that anyone dared to say it to his face either).

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/boxing/15114640.stm

My "homework" from the hospital for this week was to spend 20minutes on the treadmill, and to go out for a short walk on my own. Two attempts at the second part and I still haven't managed to leave the house. I have set out my running kit for tomorrow morning in the hope that encourages me to at least attempt the first part.

New week, no changes

2011-09-28T17:20:00.000+01:00

Sunday was a relative high point in my last few weeks. A friend took me out for a few hours. It was good to be out of the house even if we didn't go very far. Having a chance to relax and talk to someone properly for a couple of hours really helped. Even managed to sleep about 5 hours in bed on Sunday night. Was still exhausted on Monday morning though.

Monday and Tuesday have been a disappointment. The waves have been back in a big way. Monday night I didn't even try going to bed, just crashed out on the sofa again.

Enough for today, can't even be bothered finishing this.

Slides, Cycles and Waves

2011-09-25T11:40:00.000+01:00

It has been a very up and down week. While it has at least been good to have some relative ups the unpredictability of whether the next hour is going to be a crushing low or a manic high makes it even harder to plan and control what I can do and this generally results in me doing nothing.

With last week just being a continuous slide it was relatively simple to predict that anything that was difficult one day would be impossible the next. This reached the point that even writing has become a challenge through the week. The daily cycle also continues to get more extreme. Waking up early and struggling to get up until the alarm goes has been replaced by waking up early and not even being able to get up when my alarm goes. But in contrast evenings in front of the TV have become less stressful.

This week has been different though as random short waves of depression have imposed themselves on top of the predictable cycles and the general slide. While the longer slides and cycles are driven by events the waves are completely random. They may have been there all the time and just shown up in the form of the seemingly random crying attacks.

I have at least managed to go to my bed a few times this week. After a high wave and a late night on Thursday evening I even managed to sleep there for a couple of hours. Once the nightmares started again I had to give up and come back to the sofa for the rest of the night but even a few hours sleep in my own bed was a step forward.

Still sliding - Sept 18th

2011-09-18T18:12:00.001+01:00

And the slide continues.

Yesterday's hand tremors and the headache were still going when I went to bed and they kept me awake till at least 3am. The breathing and relaxation exercises that work on the leg tremors and heart rate don't seem to work on hands, and nothing was working on the headache. Once I got to the point where exhaustion overtook them and I finally got to sleep it was disrupted by the nightmares again. I have had about 3 hours of broken sleep so I am totally exhausted. I have tried a couple of times to have a nap today but both have led to crying attacks instead of sleep.

Winding back about six weeks I was having troubles with relative "highs" on exercise days and serious downs the day after. Having had a month completely off running I thought maybe that would have improved by now. Since I didn't get anything resembling an improvement yesterday it is more than a little disappointing that today has still come out as such a low.

Had to turn my computer off for a big chunk of this afternoon while I was being sick and having a major crying attack. A load of my friends have been posting photos from last night's party. If you want to spend your time partying with her then that is your choice but shoving it down my throat by posting smiley photos of you cuddling up to her on facebook is not fair. Nor does it in any way resemble "not taking sides".

Saturday 17th Sept

2011-09-17T15:25:00.000+01:00

I did manage to get out for a jog this morning (still not calling anything outside 9-min-miles a run). I was struggling to control my breathing and tried to quit just before 3 miles but got dragged on and did eventually finish the full 9. Unfortunately, part way round the route I was reminded that today was Crathes Half. Even thinking that I would potentially be on the same road as her in her car during the last mile of our route caused me to have a panic attack. By the time I got to back to the car I had the tremors and hyperventilating both going, along with fairly major pins and needles. The pins and needles are a new one, I assume they come with trying to jog while hyperventilating. I had to sit locked in the car for 5 minutes before I could calm myself down enough to feel my feet and fingers properly. Started typing this two hours later and still had a tremor when I tried to drink my tea.

Having shorts on also showed that my skin is having a reaction to the lack of direct sunlight. Barely seeing the sun for over two months has meant that what tan I had has disappeared but I have also developed a load of mysterious white blotches. Almost anti-freckles. I had spotted a few on my arms last week but they are definitely spreading. More for the doctors to try and sort out. I have also been having a lot more dizzy spells today. Probably just low blood sugar from exercising on no fuel.

The rest of the day has been back to hiding in my living room with the TV. I have finally given up on going to the supermarket and have done my shopping online this week. That is going to bring it's own challenge tomorrow afternoon when I have to open the door to a stranger. Couldn't cope enough to open the door to the charity collector or the door-to-door salesgirl that came round earlier in the week. Hopefully because I know he is coming in a fixed time window that will give me enough to relax and prepare before he arrives.

Update.
It's 9pm and I still have the hand tremor, that makes it about 11 hours now. Think that is the longest it has ever been without a break. This has been joined for the last couple of hours by a massive headache and neither ibuprofen nor paracetamol have touched it. I thought it might have just been dehydration from jogging this morning but I have had plenty to drink today. I haven't been grinding my teeth today so it can't have been caused by that.

Another Friday

2011-09-16T20:08:00.003+01:00

I have been missing blogs this week as I have been struggling with mustering the energy to write and I have been fighting with my internet connection all week. After the relative high of managing to go swimming on Monday the rest of this week has been a consistent slide.

Tuesday night I was too busy anyway with collating all the abuse I have received so I could pass it onto my solicitor. There was such a volume that we didn't manage to get through it all and I have had to book in for a second appointment next Tuesday once she has had a chance to check it over.

Wednesday my appointment was late in the afternoon so I spent the whole day stressing about it. It turned out to be a lot less stressful than I expected. While I had to run through the basics again there was a lot less detail involved than I have to go into with the psychiatrist, and less detail even than here in most cases.

I thought Wednesday evening would give me a chance to wind down a bit but the whole week has continued to throw annoying little surprises at me. Not being able to put the bin out to the end of the driveway was a nasty little one. Not being able to sleep in my own bed was a bigger one, especially since I had managed that over the weekend.

Being a Friday I didn't expect much from today. Work was a bit of a struggle. And the dismal grey outside the window all day wasn't helping. This evening hasn't been any better.

I have been invited to go for a run tomorrow morning but not sure if I can or not. Have looked out my kit but wont decide till I get up in the morning.

Questions and Answers

2011-09-12T22:42:00.001+01:00

After a few proper phone calls and emails, a visitor to my house and a chat at work I have found a pattern emerging around the questions that people are asking. So here are some of them and the answers that go with them. This doesn't mean you can't ask me them again to my face.

Q. I found your blog quite hard reading. Do you have to be quite so graphic / open / honest?
A. Yes. Unfortunately, (for me at least) what makes it as far as the blog is still somewhat censored and a lot less graphic than I could have made it if I was intending to go for shock value. If you find it hard reading then maybe you should try living some of it. Also, if you find it too hard to read, there is a simple solution; dont!

Q. Does it need to be public?
A. Yes, for a number of reasons. The top of the list being that writing things down just for myself is no different than letting them run around in circles in my head. If I think them through enough to post them for other people to read it means I at least considered what other people might think about them. It does also mean that occasionally some people raise reasonable challenges to what I have written and help me think about things in different ways.

Q. Does it need to be quite SO public?
A. Yes. It is currently the only method I have for "communicating" with a lot of my "friends". It does also mean that people who read it know what is going on and I at least get some support, even if it is from unexpected sources.

Q. Can't you turn off the comments?
A. Yes, I could, there is an option to turn off all the comments completely. I have currently selected the intermediate setting and locked off the completely anonymous comments so that anyone who wants to leave insults now has to at least put the effort into making up a fake name. I have still chosen not to lock off all comments as I think that the negative ones have their place in demonstrating to the rest of you how some people are behaving.

Q. If you are so messed up how can you still cope with writing coherently every day? Why are all your blogs so angry and upset?

A. I only hit "publish" after I have read it enough that I think it makes sense. I have an awful lot of time on my hands to write (e.g. this post has been intermittently created over about 6 hours). I try to only write when I am somewhere in the middle ground between upset enough to have something to write about and too upset to be coherent. That quite often drifts further towards the upset side once I start writing, or once I start thinking.

Q. You didn't sound that bad when I talked to you on the phone. OR. You looked agitated / crap / unwell when I saw you.
A. Not really questions, but both lead to a point. If you have seen me or talked to me then that has been a point when I am locked-in somewhere safe (work or my house probably), and I am distracted by someone who cared enough to talk to me. That has been an absolute high point in my day, and probably my week. I was also probably drugged up to the eyeballs (or beyond) at that point. You will just have to imagine what it was like after you left or hung up.

Q. Aren't you just over-reacting?
A. No. At the start I had a perfectly normal grief reaction to the trauma of having someone I was expecting to spend the rest of my life with removed from my life, within a matter of minutes, with no rational explanation. This led to me having a breakdown and then Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That was then worsened by a further grief reaction when 90+ of my friends also removed themselves from my life rather than provide the support network that I had reasonably expected. That was then compounded even further by having the basis of my own identity for the last 20 years removed as well.

Q. Are you still suicidal?
A. Actually that one hasn't been asked flat out but people kind of teeter around the edges of asking. Today, I am not. But it comes and goes. I have stripped the cabling off my bike so that I can't take it out without spending about 2 hours rebuilding it first, and I have disposed of all the spare drugs that were collecting in my house. This won't stop me from thinking about it or feeling like it is a good idea, but it does make it slightly harder to carry it out.

Q. Can I do anything?

A. Yes. Talk to me. At all would be good. Like normal would be better. It will not freak me out if you ask stupid questions. You will not make it worse. If you want to ask about how I feel or what is going on in my head it will not upset me further. If you do say anything that does upset me (and you will have to be trying hard to beat the blog comments) I will say so or I will change the subject.