Day of New Adventures

Ch. 2: Hunt or Be Hunted

2013-07-31T21:12:00.001-07:00

The Grand Job Search. Thought the phrase was a myth, but I have been mistakenly wrong to think of it as that. I have warned you and don't say I never told you, The Job Search is no Myth. It is practically battle of the fittest and hey, I don't usually use cliches, but this cliche just seemed right to use. It has been 2 months and I scrolled up and down, job after job looking for my chance to rightfully pursue my dreams. I've already been to you simplyhired, your indeed and monster. Nothing seems to jump at me and command & conqueror me. Its no simply hire and its a monster of a task to find your future job.

Its like I'm on a safari with lets say 100 men, all wanting to shoot and kill their first elephant. The task of taking down such an animal is far greater than anyone's imagine and to think we all have to compete against each other makes this much more than a task, it makes it a competition of a lifetime. Once one of us has spotted the beast, it will not go unnoticed and if you fail to kill it, you've already lost your chance. I ask myself, what makes you a better hunter than all the rest? Its not what you will do to kill the elephant, but its likely more what skills do you have to take down the prey. Confidence also could come into play and direct us toward are you the Predator or the prey, but that would be too much of a cliche.

Locking down our confidence and focusing on the prey with our cross hairs will bring us to think, is this it? Am I suppose to kill this now or do I wait for something bigger? This elephant is only a baby and would I let everyone know that I'm seeking out to settle for a baby of a task? My job is not going to be childish. I never said I didn't want to make children films, but how am I suppose to reach something I already know I can do? There has to be people out there like me who have the same mindset, they think the job would be a perfect fit for their skills. They seem to be set on having this job and only this job.

Thats why when you are the first to find the mammoth, its best to think and see how others react. The pressure of killing the mammoth of a job in one shot, is disastrous. DON'T be the first to shoot, be the second, third, heck even tenth. Just stay away from number one, people with no talent go number one because they need to make sure their eagerness overshadows their lack of skills.

We just need to be confident, in ourselves, our abilities and with the employer. They will know the best fit for the position. You may never land a job on your first shot. That only means your waiting for bigger and better opportunity in the game of life.

Ch. 1: Dreamers of My Dream

2013-05-27T00:10:00.001-07:00

There is so much more to life then wanting a career, but honestly God wants me to use my abilities and talents for something that is greater. I use to dream a lot. As a kid, my imagination had no bounds and seeing the world just one step at a time, stirred up my imagination. I still visualize things in my head from time to time. Mostly I visualize creating new things and imagining if I did them. I keep asking myself, if my dream is too impossible or not for God? I don't think God would give me talent to waste. I would proudly do something with my talent that is in the eyes of God, I wouldn't use it against him.

Its hard to hear that your dream is not practical. To think that dreams are fairy tales and they can never happen, saddens me. The world has lost their own imagination. Our country was built on people with new ideas and seeing how they could change the world. My grandpa today dropped off a letter for me, inside was $500 and a message that said this, "We are so proud of you and we know you will impact the world someday with your great talent and imagination." I thanked him privately. Grandpa told me he was very impressed with what I've done with my talent, he can't wait to see me achieve my dream. It feels good to know that others believe in me too.

God should be the one who receives all praise. I say this now, but I know I will be tempted. Hollywood stars take all the glory and never give it back to the one who gave them their talent. How are they glorifying God everyday? Do they take all the praise? I hope I don't fall into the state of pride. I'm only here because God loves me and wanted me to love him back. He should be the reason why I live and he should be the reason why you live too. Otherwise we've wasted our talents.

God is the dreamer of my dreams and those dreams will come real someday. Just have to hold on and have faith. God always comes around.

The 2nd Chapter: Intermission

2013-05-25T21:51:00.002-07:00

It feels weird being back in the town that I despised as a young high school senior. I was so glad to leave this town, but its weird how I've ended up here again. I don't know how to interact in this environment, my mind and heart is still lost in Fargo. Its not like Fargo was an amazing city, but the speed and the non stop pace was nice. New Ulm is such a still town, quiet like its 5,000 elderly population.

I wake up in the morning, there is milk, bananas, and bread. Even leftovers in the fridge for my lunch. Everything feels given to me and I would rather be on my own. After graduation aren't you suppose to feel like you've achieved something? I feel stuck, knowledge I thought I had isn't there. I feel like I'm almost at step 1 of 1000. Life has hit the wall that won't budge, im trapped in a town I dislike.

The job has come and is to start soon, which will be nice. Hopefully it picks up the pace of this summer before us. All I have to remember is that this part of my life is going to be a low point. I have so much to look forward to. The first chapter of each new beginning in one person's life starts slow and eventually picks up. I just need to find my spot in life.

Chapter 42: A Town to Forget

2013-05-08T01:09:00.001-07:00

Its like this, you go to a town to start off fresh, but years past and you become old news. I have to leave this town, everyone knows me too well. Oh I don't mean too well like they actually know me, but everyone has there thoughts about me; opinions, I hate them.

I just need to get out fast. So glad the year is almost done and graduation is around the corner, but hell I'm going home? I don't know what to think of that. I get to hangout with bro who is seeing a girl and my sister who doesn't stop talking about her LOTR boyfriend. I'm stuck in the middle, but I'm the oldest. Worst place to be right now in your life. Depression, exhaustion and stressed. Formula for a burnout.

Oh after I get done with graduation, I get to go to a cabin with my family. It better be fun, thats all I got to say.

Chapter 41: Today Won't Be Tomorrow

2013-04-06T00:24:00.003-07:00

You have the one good night, you feel untouchable, you feel above the world for the moment and you want it to last for an eternity. This moment gives you wings and fears turn to flight. You soar above anything that tries to bring you down to the ground. You are struck though, with a bullet of ending.

Time to move on, friends are moving along as well. You sit at the bar with your best friend and he begins to let you know how much the last couple of years have meant to him, you feel the same way. I almost wish that I could relive junior year, but its too perfect to touch. It needs to be left as is, perfect and memorable. Water drops crawl in his eyes and he knows this may be the last year we have. Four more weeks and we will be far apart, the distance that will separate us. I promise him, I will never forget these past years and we will always have a great friendship, but I know as time will go on, we will become memories.

Today was a good day, but tomorrow will be the day I remember yesterday. A memory that will stay pure and preserved forever.

Chapter 40: Slow Moving, Good Sign

2013-03-27T00:06:00.000-07:00

We all expect to have the perfect life. Sure we have our own views at what a perfect life is, but we all have that dream of a life. Do you want that perfect job? Or that wife with the three little rascals? We take action everyday to further our dream, we got this big fishing net ready to catch that fish at any moment. On the edge of our seats waiting for that moment. Always aware and ready, but its all talk until you do something.

Are you satisfied with your life? Never think you can just switch it up and chase someone else's dream life. We are all meant to do something great thats for sure. Have you found what you suppose to do with your life? Some people are just given that high school dream heart that they are with for the rest of their life and some are happy, others not so much. The difference? People rush things and chase. When you chase, your desires is what it is, desires, wants not needs. Wouldn't you rather be happy your whole life instead of being happy just for the moment?

You probably expect me to be happy with my life since I'm talking on this subject, but thats not the case. I look at my life and write to reflect through questions and experiences I encounter on a unknown journey. Would you want everything to be laid down in front of you and given everything you want? Surprise gets killed by anxious thoughts and wants. I was asked, do you know what you want? Do you know yourself enough to get to know someone else? I told her yes, I know who I am. I thought it was a stupid question, but now I reflect on it. I am a guy who wants a family? I want kids? I want to become a legend?

Are these my actual goals? Or did they simply get slipped in by everyone else that I have connection with? Seriously I can't support a family off a student salary. Someday I will be able to support a family and love them and go to my son\daughter's sporting events. I look forward and dream about that day, but I don't need to act on it now. Whats the rush?

Slow is patient, fast is now. Graduation coming up scares me, it does and its coming up way too fast. I stress out, but this is what I need. I need to get my stuff together and I don't have time for the wants right now (gf, games, drinking). Slow and steady wins the race and that race shouldn't stop till your time. I think sometimes God hates me. Fact is, hes protecting me. He hasn't thrown me under the bus or into a situation I can't handle with his help. Sometimes taking it slow with every aspect of life is what we all need to just do.

Chapter 39: Ocean of Doubt

2013-03-19T23:59:00.001-07:00

Its weird how many doors we close in our lifetime. Some doors stay closed for just a week, others take years to open. Some doors are sealed shut. We are always looking for something on the other side of those openings, hoping we find what we are searching for. Each door needs a key and sometimes keys get lost or stolen and sometimes forgotten. We like to drop them in cushions or hide them under a mat. We let others know there is a key there hoping they will open the door, but they don't. People just don't care for certain things like yourself. We all have different wants, desires and needs, somethings we care for and others we just push aside. Feelings get messed up and twirled in a bowl of confusion and uncertainty. After the bowl stops from being stirred, we are left alone and unconscious.

I know I'm not alone on the deserted island, there are many of you like me. We fall off the boat and get brought to this shore, we've gone missing. We hope someone will sail across the sea to come looking for us, but many islands surround us and the sea is a vast dark mass. Most of us don't make it to shore, we lose hope and drown in it. We get buried and aren't found for many years.

The island is where I am at. Its cold many nights and its hard to find something satisfying to call home for the night. We have many of these nights and some nights we don't bother sleeping, we think. Will I ever be discovered? Or will I be that treasure that gets buried for many years? When will I get rescued? The ocean breeze of mystification.

Chapter 38: Taking Pain so You Don't

2013-03-08T00:00:00.000-08:00

I see you every day at school, we are young but I know I love you. Every time I talk to you my heart beats fast my mouth goes dry my heart aches for you. It hurts to love you so much. I wish you knew. I’m to afraid to tell you how i feel. – Libby Hinrichs

This is how I feel. I can't seem to get it across and I've never been in a relationship that has last more then a season's change. Snowfall is more common then I remember and I still only can think of you. You ask why I love? Its because I care, I care too much and I care more because you don't understand. I'm the nicest guy you will know and you choose to remind yourself of all the guys that have treated you wrong. I'm that hero in the night that will watch over and do what I can to save you from the enemy. A sad song plays and repeats, I listen to it because it reminds me of the one person I could not save. I hear the echo of tears and know those who cried for the man I called my inspiration and friend. He watched me when I played with legos and saw me when I graduated at my high school. He has been there with me everyday and he is still watching over me as I live. Live the word meaning so many things, but know one can truly understand what they mean to me. The experiences and feelings that go along with witnessing tragedy and happiness, only means so much to me. No one will know what makes me smile because they don't care about the man that is so much like a brother they never had. I'm too nice they said, so I changed and now I'm the bad guy. I can take on all the hatred or damaging words they may throw. I'm a mirror that has been shattered and put back together to become shattered again. I will be whatever you need me to be at the time because I care too much.

Chapter 37: Forgotten Dweller

2013-03-05T22:54:00.002-08:00

Her laugh penetrates my ears that are already bleeding. I dreamed of her last night and the image of her smile and laugh has branded my mind. Still healing, but maybe I'm not, maybe I'm bleeding out in pain. I know that laugh will never be mine, Satan has invaded my dreams and the desire has been planted, I long for peace. I need to get the fuck out, which door is closer and will make me escape here faster? I want to just be free. This running away is endless and my feet are no longer sore, they bleed. The kicks I had are long gone and forgotten, I'm just skin and bones. I bleed inside and out and forgot what sleep feels like. To sink in soft space and gaze into blackness is alien to me. My sights never clearer and my lungs never thicker. All is just a devil's dream, controlled and replaying the failures and wrong doings. Desiring her is more now and I know its not God. For God wants me to stay pure and clear of her innocence because I haven't dwelled among the pure for quite sometime.

Windows 8 Commerical

2013-02-21T20:13:00.000-08:00

Hey readers, I would like to take a small break from the chapters and give you a little sneak peak of what I've been up to lately. I did a commercial for Microsoft on the new Windows 8 Phone, check it out and see! Video Below:

I hope you enjoy and I will come out with the next chapter in a few weeks. Lots of stuff has been going on and I have to organize my thoughts.

Chapter 36: The Days are Running Out

2013-02-05T01:58:00.000-08:00

I never thought I would see the day that would go so fast that its already the next. Best friend's birthday has come and gone, now its just another week. Days go by way too fast and I can hardly do anything with it. Have you ever played the Sims? All you do is create a life for your sim and the days go by fast and they grow up and get married and have kids etc. I think sometimes if the day is going to go fast, at least give me excitement or reason to go onto the day. Time is running out and I don't know what to say to her. She won't return my text messages and we only see each other to say hi, thats all. Its like you know this one is the right one because she makes you feel happier and glad to be yourself. To her is the best thing thats has happened.

Its these nights though that last way too long and I have second thoughts about this crush I have. I become serious and realize that life doesn't always go your way. I'm filled in with wants and a feeling that makes people laugh when they hear it. Is it real? I want to find out before my days here at college run out and I never get to see if there is something here.

I feel my heart is walking on thin ice and its about to crack. I'm going to go nub from the ice cold water.

Chapter 35: Insomnia

2013-01-28T01:05:00.000-08:00

I've been heading into nights trying to sleep when the stars shine at their brightest, but I can't relax and start the slumber. I find that I can't sleep, like my body won't let me. Maybe its because something is hanging on to my thoughts and for some reason I haven't let go of it yet. Its like a dark pain that keeps on punching me in the chest and every breath makes it impossible to survive. I never give up I just bare it and hope one day I can forget the pain. It would almost come as a routine and I would never be reminded, it would just happen.

I can't sleep, try shutting my eyes, but the mind is not ready to shut off. My mind never wants to stop thinking and makes me worry, how do I live like this? I can tell myself it will be ok and someday it will, but right now its just a lie that I'm trying phase out with pointless sympathy. My body works like a clock, mechanical or battery operated it doesn't matter, the concept is still the same. Until times runs out or the batteries die, I still go on. Once the juice or the crank stops, I need to be cranked back up or need a switch of power to keep going. Thats when I sleep, I can't choose when this needs to take place.

I can hear the worlds problems outside in the streets, crying because the cold wind blows in there face and they try to find some sort of protection from the wind. I'm on the fence watching and cuddled in a blanket. I wonder if I will join them out there or come back inside and just sleep. I worry too much and my knowledge and personality cooks. Sometimes I don't know who I am anymore, sometimes I don't know if I'm awake or asleep.

Chapter 34: Listen Before You Talk

2013-01-27T01:41:00.000-08:00

Today was very slow and unproductive. Waking up at 3:00 in the afternoon is a great definition for laziness. I didn't do too much, until later in the evening. My roomie walked into the kitchen and I was making something to drink. I looked at his face and knew he wanted to talk. Something was really on his mind. He was going through the girl phase, he said he hated that talking the girls has gotten him frustrated and depressed. He doesn't know whats wrong with him. That was just the first layer of this talk. We both had more on our minds. He talked to me about his grandpa passing away and knowing his grandma being all aloned reflected on him because he is all alone. He just wants to have that significant other or girlfriend.

I listened, I didn't want to preach, but I felt like God wanted me to say something. I told him that I've been there and I could relate. I told him that my grandpa also passed away and since then I've always felt alone. I never wanted to die alone. We shared a couple of tears (watery eyes) and before I knew it, we were talking about more than this world. I feel that all the things about having someone or missing something lead to God and having a relationship with him. I'm not the kind of person who wants to pressure someone into doing something so I decided I would hear from him about his connection with God. He said that he went to church and that he thinks he's Methodist. He really doesn't have a clue, he wants to know God, but he doesn't fully understand him. I offered him to come to Cru with me and meet some cool people, he said he will pass. That won't stop me from praying about him though. I'm glad he talked and I got to listen. God always has a plan for everyone, he just needs to invite him in.

I took some time tonight and read from the a book by Francis Chan called Crazy Love. I've read chapter 1, so many times, but I decided to read it again. I've never finished the book. Chapter one is about listening instead of talking. Its good just to realize God for a couple minutes before going to him with prayer. God is amazing if you take the time to think about what he has done. There is a video that I recommend all of you to check out. Its called Just Stop and Think, Chan talks about coming to God and knowing that he always loves us and has forgiven us. All we need is to accept him. I really want you to all check this out, so here is the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRi4VwcrYmA

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

Chapter 33: Crossroads

2013-01-22T23:29:00.001-08:00

I think its important that I get this out tonight. I've reevaluated my life recently. I was told to do it by some random stranger I met playing a league game. She suggested that I list what I like to do and what I know about myself. I started to write down that I'm a believer of God, that I want to make kids happy by making animated movies and that I hope to find the perfect girl before I hit 25. These are just some of the things I have written down. We talked about relationships and I realized that I've never been in one. Sad to say I've never experienced it before. Its not like I don't want to experience it, I just want it to be special and I've already screwed things up before. Its like I'm waiting for that special someone to just walk into my life.

How do you explain to someone that a girl you liked left your college and moved to a private school and recently she has moved back. Its weird to think that wishing she would have a great life wherever she went would lead her back to the campus she began at. God for some reason didn't give her the financial support at this private college and she ends up coming back to the place she left. Is it just a coincidence? She caught me by surprise when she came to visit, I wasn't expecting to see her after a mistake I did in the past. I tend to pour out my feelings and say the wrong things at times when something bad in my life happens, its just something that happens when I'm tired. So anyways I she came when I was at work. She walked up so slow and the thing I would never forget about her is the way she would smile so bright and beautifully. The kind of smile that makes everyone smile and her laugh makes you want to laugh. Its that great thing about her.

I picture myself standing in a field at some crossroads. The gravel beneath my feet and warm fresh air blows through my hair. I look around and feel this great place alive within me. I'm almost out of breath because of the feeling a freedom. The crossroads leads me to four options in my life. On one road, I look towards strange dark clouds and a city off into the distance. Its covered in smog and I can hear rush hour. It gives me this gross inside sick feeling, but something draws me there. I turn to my right and I see my family, they look sad and I suddenly fall and clench my heart and breath is withdrawn. I notice something, my family is a lot younger. My brother is just a little brother and my sister is wearing her 2nd grade pink flower dress. My dad doesn't have the grey hairs in his hair and my mother reminds me of the days I helped her at daycare after I was done with school. My sister open up her hand and she just stares at me with tears in her eyes. They fade and I fall on my back looking north towards the third option. The sky is shining and in its glimmering golden rays sparkles the image of me with two boys. They look so happy and I look happier then ever. A beautiful woman walks up to us and gives us all a big hug. I kiss her on the forehead and she rest her head on my chest. I believe this is the family I want in the future, its always in my dreams. I have two children (most of the time two sons) and a beautiful wife that actually loves me. We are timeless and God has been gracious. I have fully turned my life around and have worked my life to become a man of God. The golden rays drift off as one of my sons waves at me. They are gone, my future self has disappeared. I get on my feet and I look down the last road. I see a beautiful heaven and I'm being called to a lesson with God. He is amazing and he holds me in the palm of his hand. He speaks to me of what I need to do and gives me the breath of being reborn. He tells me the story of the lost son and mentions how similar we are. He reassures me he has a plan and I may be apart of it. He loves me, like no other. He doesn't explain the other options to me because he said I already knew what they meant. He says I've been there before or heading to them soon. Its my story of developing into a better Christian. A Christian who actually believes and actually receives God's unending love.

Everything flashes before my eyes and for a second I'm blind. I can hear, smell, feel and taste the air, but I can't see. For a moment I was blind, but now I see that sight is the weakness in my life. I'm better off being blind to stop the temptation of this world. I can see and I'm sitting in my room, listening to Lost by Red. To explain what I'm like, I refer to this verse Matthew 22:37 "Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind."

Living by this relieves me of my duties as a leader and makes me into a follower of Christ. Without him, nothing matters. God is all powerful and gives us options in life. The four paths meet at one crossroads. We can choose to walk with God or walk with the worldly things, but letting God drive with to a future with him in heaven is the greatest gift of all. We must all remember God died on the cross-roads to give us hope to live with him forever.

Chapter 32: Slow Night, All Right

2013-01-15T22:57:00.000-08:00

It is another late night on the job. Surprisingly the vent in the far back echoed loud sounds of clicking and shuttering quite more noticeably today, causing dust particles to bounce off the metal and float softly in the air. Business is slow tonight. I've seen one customer. He tapped the display window with his index and murmured that he wanted four of both the red and blue text paper. His sweat splattered on the counter and he wiped it with his sweat drenched shirt. What I would do to get out of here and play some basketball I quietly wondered to myself. Besides serving the sweaty customer, I spent my spare time leaned back in my scratchy cloth chair and casually ate my crunchy bacon cheddar chips. Tick Tick Tick, groaned the clock on the wall, reminding me of my freedom to be granted in one hour and also that my homework awaits me then. I leaned down to my backpack and grabbed the zipper. The zipper threads were goofed up and it required me to give it a good tug to get past the broken part. I saw the shadow of delicate hands from the corner of my eye tap on the glass and it made pleasant clicking sound, similar to that of tap dancing shoes. I tilted my head to catch her beaming smile.

"Hey, do you work here?" she asked politely. My eyelids flickered and I automatically sat straight up. Her vanilla perfume aroma drifted by my nose making it twitch and tingle. I rubbed my eyes and blinked a little more, doubtful of the image I saw before me. Her smile was tremendous showing her sparkly white teeth. Her eyes captivated my attention and unconsciously, my mouth gaped open, lost for words. Her eyes squinted, then she giggled. She kept smiling and just stared into my eyes. The clicking and shuttering of the vent faded in and out in the background. I could not believe she came back. Is this really happening or did I fall asleep in my chair?

Chapter 31: Pen on Paper

2013-01-14T23:11:00.002-08:00

First day of my last semester at college and it makes me happy. I don't think there is a better word to use besides, happy. I'm not glad that its over, but another chapter of my life is coming to an end and I know that God hasn't fully ended my story. He's sent alot of things this week that mean a lot to me. A good friend returned this week back to the college I'm going to, I haven't seen her for over 2 years. It was really nice to see her again. I was looking all over the first day to see if I would run into her or we would have the same class, but I didn't. I was just about to leave my work place and I turned to see someone with a bright smile walking over to me. I was so happy to see her. I gave a great hug and asked how she was doing. She is glad to be back and asked if I grew taller. Haha I'm still 6'3". She misses her old school and I know I would too, but I can already see that this semester is going to be a good one.

I wonder why God created luck? I recently won a kindle fire, I find out that I'm in four classes with my best friend and a girl that I missed has come back. In this case is it luck or fate? I don't think God believes in fate or destiny, but he does hear my prayers even though I haven't been his bright angel. I'm having a turn of thought and I'm willing to change. Its not about any girl or because I want others to think better of me, its because I've finally accepted that my life that I'm living is not glorifying and I worship other idols then God. There is a verse in the bible that goes something like "I shall not have any idols." If I'm living for me, I might as well throw in the towel and give up, but God never has given up on me.

We talked today about judging others and we took notice of students that we thought less of, but reminded ourselves that God is the only judge. Judging others isn't our duty. I can compare myself to those students, the ones that lie, cheat and swear. The type of people that think about girls with an impure mind. I am far from perfect and I've screwed up. When we were all talking, the girl I haven't seen for awhile said this, "We all have a past that we are not proud of and we should never give up or think differently about those who fall." I'm not saying there is a chance with this girl because I don't believe in luck, I believe in God and he will have his way with my life and he will decide if I'm ready to go past friendship. I'm far from ending my story, so thats why this pen will never leave paper.

Chapter 30: Space Bound

2012-12-12T22:28:00.001-08:00

Just chillin in the lab after a successful day at the film screenings. It looks like some people do like my scene from Donnie Brasco. I'm glad that I could make some people happy, I still look at it and wish I could change somethings. The director is never fully pleased with their films, never. Thats the way it is and you gotta just move onto the next project. I got this Eminem craving, I've been listening everything from Like Toy Soldiers to Real Slim Shady to Space Bound. Space Bound has clinched my attention and I can't get it out of my head.

Thinking about this song, I'm not sure if I fear being burnt or dumped. Thing is I've never actually felt it before. I've had my emotions toyed with before though, that shit hurts. Girls make you feel like your worth something, but in all reality they just want to get from you what they want and ditch you. Its either me or the girls I'm pursuing and I already know its not me. Girls are mean, well most. I just never get a chance at girls that are nice, they are apart of a different world.

I can't crash land there because I've been labeled as a bad person. The rumors and stories people spread about me are false and people are so quick to judge, they will never get to know me as a cool, friendly and honest guy. I feel shut out and outcasted at times. My old roomie recently got a girlfriend and he hasn't done shit to get her. Like I even told him that he shouldn't give up on her and he should at least hangout with her cause shes cool. He almost let it die, but last second they got back together and know hes happy. I wish it was that easy to take off in a relationship like that.

I wish girls would just forgive me of my past and allow me to show how good of a man I can be. These dreams about having something of a life tear into me bit by bit. I'm taking it because I can handle it, but it slowly kills me.

A girl today talked about the fear of death. She said why am I doing all this stuff and in the end I know that I'll die and it won't matter. It will all just go to waste and I'll be forgotten. Whats the point? I was thinking God is the only reason why I'm here, but I also want to have a wife and raise a family. I want to achieve so much, does that make me selfish? Does that label me not a follower of God because I want to have a family and a career? I feel like everyone expects me to drop everything and kill all my dreams that God has given me. I feel like they are too insane for God that they end up just judging the people that don't do what they do. What makes them so much better of a person than me? They only do it to glorify themselves. No one does it purely to glorify God, everyone has a "Look at me" attitude will they try to do good in God's eyes.

I feel distant from them, not distant from God. I believe there is a girl out there that will understand me and love God and I. I don't need that girl who is going to breath down my neck and tell me I'm doing wrong when they don't know what I've gone through or who I am to begin with. Don't you dare point that finger, you've been there too. I may be several galaxies different then you, but that doesn't mean we can't be together. I just want you to understand my life and love me for how much I love God and family. Past is behind us and I'm soaring into a new life of meaning and that special someone can join me, otherwise get out of my way because I'm not wasting my life.

Chapter 29: I'm no Superhero

2012-12-11T00:26:00.001-08:00

After picking my friend up to do a test and dropping him back off at home, I was driving down main street when the most odd thing happened. Man in a SUV doesn't see the red light and tries to stop at the last second. The the street is covered in black ice and he slides. The woman in a green Taurus takes a hit as she crosses the street, she spins and hes spins too. His car smacks into another car in the other lane and now three cars are in the accident. I saw this all and got out of my car. I run up to the the man in the SUV and ask if hes ok. He shakes his head. I see hes got a bruise and couple cuts, but nothing too bad. A cop comes onto the scene and I'm helping out the people of the crash with a couple of other guys. Other by standers just watch as we get the people out of the car and help them walk around. They give me that look of "Wow your a good guy, your like a superhero."

Um hold up. Superhero? Nah nah that ain't me. Do they even know what I fail at in life? All they see is a guy helping out some victims of a crash. They don't know that I can't hold a relationship to save my life or that I'm struggling in some classes at the local college. No they don't know me like that, but I guess thats how superheros are looked at. We have no backstory that people know because they will never know us personally. They only know what they see, a figure trying to do what is right.

So does that make me more than a man? Nah, it makes me what everyone else should have done. We all have a little bit of hero in us. We just afraid to stand up and do something. We let others do what we should have done. Help a friend or family member this Holiday with something. Be kind to your enemies and become the White Knight, while I roam in the Black.

Chapter 28: The Dream's Tell Me

2012-12-07T01:29:00.000-08:00

Long time ago, I dreamt of a man and a women who lived in a house and they were very happy. They love each other and their two kids. I was the man and the women I couldn't tell. I only know she had blonde hair. I couldn't see the face, it was blank and my two kids had blank faces too. Scary right? Let me remind you of my past and when I began to have visions.

Sometimes when I dream, they happen. I know it sounds weird and unrealistic, but i really do believe deja vu or dreams can happen and exist. I just wonder who is that girl in the blonder hair. Everything is so dependent on her, she is the key to the whole scene. If I could only understand and figure out what I need to do to get to her, but I'm lost. Girls only want a douche, they don't want a nice guy/friend. They always searching and should just look around for once and see the friend that has always been there. I can't believe that when they have their broken hearts, they cry and ask what happened? You were with a total douche, what you expect? I never deal with that shit. I move on and try to find that one decent girl that wants me. Does she exist or she just in my dreams? The ultimate journey is finding that one girl for you.

Tell you the truth I never had a girl friend. Thats right, all the girls you think that I know or get with are just friends. I'm not saying I haven't been with a girl, but I've never had a stable relationship with a girl before. The reason I don't know, but maybe its because I'm red headed. I know this will sound depressing and in fact it maybe to a certain extent, but girls just don't want red hair. Sometimes they think it would be something different, but mostly it doesn't work like that. No girl likes a guy with red hair. Not even girls who crazy about redheads, they only want to get with one and see how it is. After they know, they can go tell their friends. I know your thinking this is some deep shit and it is, but you must understand that even redhead girls don't want redhead guys. They don't want what they already have, unless they are fuckin psycho.

We just live in an era where the cute girls are taken and the ugos and hotties are not. Ugos for their look and the hotties because they are bitches. Know one wants to here a whiny ass bitch, but that is whats left and if you don't want to be alone, there is always that option. Its not tasteful though, you will get hurt either way. So why can't I find you?

I find my self searching within the people I never trusted and never wanted to see myself as. I have my crushes and I don't think that any of them could be the one. I puzzled and my vision clouded with a storm. I feel tossed around in a sea where I can't find the right way to you. My heart sinks like titanic and I'm becoming colder than ever before. Sometimes I feel like the end should just happen, but to never love would be the worst feeling I figure. I want to care for someone more than just myself, where is the pure blonde woman?

I'm in need for girl who hasn't shown her face to me so far. When will I know when I run into that girl? Will she be blank or will she just know? I want her to just know and feel me when I first see her. I want to wake up and know that I have to care, love and protect someone else but me. I want to be that one that has to do whatever to protect the one he loves. All this sounds corny and I know that you laugh, but I'm the only one who admits that we long for something real and not just today. I want this to last forever, even in my dreams. I still search, the barren corners of my endless dream and hope to one day find that shine in the dark and know that its alright.

Chapter 27: Having Trials, Still Thankful

2012-11-19T22:39:00.001-08:00

Its another one of those late nights and I'm working on homework that I've pushed off to the last second. On top of that my car's starter died last night so I had a quite interesting morning. I called in a tow truck, drove to the far side of town and waited 3.5hrs for my BIG bill. Yeah so I've been in a frenzy all day. I can't believe I've found time to just take a step back and make sure my body isn't overheating. Nope, I'm doing alright I guess.

Tomorrow I have a big test though and I hardly know what the test is going to be on. So tomorrow morning I'll take some time to study a bit and then I get to leave for Thanksgiving Break to home. I'm so excited because I haven't seen family for like a month. I miss my family a lot, but I still hate that old town. It looks old, smells old and I feel old when I reach the old town. I really didn't care to live there any longer then I had too, no offense to my parents, but I hated the day when they chose to move us to that crappy town. It will be nice though to see family, I get to see Gram Gram too. I love my grandma and she is such a cooky person.

I can't tell you how thankful I am to have an amazing family, a family that actually cares about me and wants the best for me in life. God has blessed me with a beautiful and loving family. I have so many things to be thankful for, but family is the most important one. I use to say,"Whenever I come home, I feel like a king. Mom and Dad make sure my time home is amazing and help me out with food or anything I need." Now its not like that, I see they didn't do it just because they missed me, but they did it because they want to let me know that they are still here for me even though I'm a grown man and moving on in life. The world isn't at its best right now, but my parents make it feel like it was when I was a kid, they make life easier.

I'm thankful for siblings too. There was times back in high school when I hated school and the people I called friends. The only true friends I had, are still my brother and sister. They are the greatest and help me everyday get over the troubles of life. My sister reminds me of a shining star, she's such a bright person and always happy. Five years ago, she told me she looked up to me because she was happy to see that I was following God and going to college, but since then I've looked up to her because she is so strong and loves God so much, she's been there with God the whole way for me, pushing me to become a better Christian. My brother is the best. When I feel alone and left out, he is always there to bug me and cheer me up, I could never ask God for a better brother. I love them both so much that I never want to disappoint them again because God and I know that I have disappointed them sometimes.

Its amazing that family will be there for you through the thick and thin. When I mess up, they forgive and love me. I've buttheads with them many times, but they have always welcomed me home when I have no where else to turn. Again God, I thank you for giving me a family that cares and I pray for everyone in the world and hope their families love them too. If they don't, God will always be your father.

Chapter 26: Back to the Hood

2012-11-17T01:24:00.000-08:00

If I have never told, I was born in Los Angeles, CA. We actually lived in San Bernadino, which was like 10 mins from L.A. I lived in the ghettos. Today I decided to watch Boyz N the Hood, starring Cuba Gooding Jr. and Ice Cube who live in the hood of L.A. It seems so real and I recall my dad telling me the time he went to the hood. My dad was a pizza delivery driver for Pizza Hut for a couple of days, before he quit. The reason he quit that job was when he went on his second delivery and he went to the ghettos to deliver the pizza. He got to this shady house and walked up to the steps. He was a skinny white boy in a black neighborhood. Some African American came to the door and took the pizza from him. My dad asked for money and the guy told him to piss off. The guy had a glock on him and my dad remembers that he looked high. My dad just walked away and quit that night.

Its crazy that every city has a hood, even the small city I live in the Midwest. I know a guy that has connections with some people in town and this just reminds me of my hometown. People always trying to be big or somethin. I just don't see why people want to get caught up in this shit. He asked if I would help him out with finding some clients or interested friends, I told him that I would let him know. People are dumb, I just want to know whats going to happen to him when he gets caught. I don't want to go into jail and do time and never have a job or family. Why screw that all up?

I sit in my room and listen to Tupac radio station on Pandora. I don't really like the lyrics, but I enjoy the 90's beats. It lets me think and relax. The lyrics are garbage and I can't believe people actually listened to this back in the day. I guess times have changed and so have people. I'm so glad I don't live in C.A. because I don't want to witness crime, I just want to keep all the good memories from living in C.A. I love that place and I know that if I go back, I wouldn't fit in. Its just been so long and I don't know the lifestyle out there no more. Lets just say if I went back, I would either fly back home or get shot running off my mouth. Life is hard on the west coast and its no place for a Minnesota Man.

Chapter 25: You Don't Know My Story

2012-11-13T22:42:00.001-08:00

Music pouring into my ears and traveling throughout my body. I try to lose myself and keep my mind off the past and the future. My muscles ache and I can't stop thinking about the past. I tried to lend a hand and talk to people, but people really don't care. They think they know me, but its quite the opposite. There is so much to know about one person's life and its nearly impossible to know everything and impossible to feel what they have felt. Before you say, I know you, just think for a second... you don't know me.

About 2 years ago, my family suffered the passing of a relative. That relative was very close to my grandma and her kids. My grandpa was a very good friend of mine and he was a man that I could look up to because he was always happy, even towards the suffering he faced at the end of his life. I wish I was there for my family when he passed away, I felt so left out when I heard the news in my room. I admit, I balled my eyes out and tears poured out. I'm not embarrassed nor should I be. I love that man, he should me that nothing was impossible if I put my mind to it. He believed in me and really enjoyed my dreams of becoming a director. We use to watch John Wayne movies together, man I miss those times so much. He is what really got me into watching and making movies. If it wasn't for him, I don't think I would be here pursuing this career and a 3D motion picture animator. I wish he was still here to see my films that I have made. Its just I wish he was still here with us. I know it was his time, but if God came here today, I would ask him I could spend one last day with him and watch The Searchers again with him one last time.

Kid Cudi has a song called Mr. Rager, in the song he talks about travelin through life and experincing new adventures. Right now I'm traveling with just God and I across the biggest adventure of all time, Life. I've learned a lot since my grandpa passed and he keeps reminding me not to give up on myself and God. If I can't trust anyone in this world, I will always be able to trust in God.

I'm creating a story called Dreamworld. Its going to be created in 3D for my final project. It tells the story of two siblings that grow farther apart after the death of their parents. They both get trapped within a book titled Dreamworld and have to face challenges throughout the movie. They must get through the book in order to fix their relationship and save each other. The film is dedicated to my grandpa and for showing that I can do anything through the help of friends and family. Grandpa I love you so much and hope you enjoy my film from high up there.

Chater 24: The New Girl

2012-11-04T00:42:00.001-07:00

Friend puking in the toilet and in the car and still I'm still happy. I met a girl, shes just not cute, but really nice to talk to and I feel like we connected. Her name is Ashley and its not the girl that I previously had in sophomore year. This girl is different and I really was interested in listening to her. I felt connected, judge me if you want to because I may be drunk, but I met the best girl in the world. Picture this 22, short hair and very nice and cute. I wish she came over, but girl puking in the toilet. I want to talk to her more, shes a welder and she went to Joseph's Hair Design for makeup. She wants to create makeup for people, how cool is that? I miss her short hair and deep eyes. Everything come from the heart right now, I wish she was interested in me. I needed to talk to her because for some reason this was meant to be. When I was drunk, I still was focused just on her. I wish she was here. I miss just talking about life and I was super excited that she texted me. A girl who wants a Harley motorcycle is awesome, I told her that I did some motocross back in the day and she really like that. I'm glad that we met, I'm glad I didn't chicken out. Why can't I stay with her tonight? I miss her name even though girls with the letter "A" are curses to me. Goodnight and hopefully I will see or talk to Ashley again.

Chapter 23: The Second Coming

2012-10-05T23:36:00.001-07:00

I'm turning 22, I'm getting older and don't know what to do. Life keeps spinning and I keep thinking about what I'm to do. I keep listening to a song and I don't know what it means, but there is this thing that keeps on making me listen to this song. It makes me think of my past, present and future. I keep wishing for a direction in life and know it won't happen because I need to create my own direction for myself. I want someone to show me, I'm tired of wandering alone.

I keep running and wandering. I think I'm trying to discover or find something that I don't have. I will probably never find it because I know I'm trying to hard and searching in the wrong places. I wish someone would just tap me on the shoulder and turn me around. I would really appreciate that and hope someone saves me from my darkest fear, me. Sometimes I wonder who I am and what I want to accomplish. What do I seek and what do I pleasure?

I wish I could feel emotion when I needed to, but for some reason emotion has bee withheld from me and I feel nothing. What am I suppose to do? I think its because I have too much on my mind and I think that getting older means I need to change something about myself. I know that I need to be myself, but I want to be something greater. Sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am anymore and that scares me. I forget my past and have no history. I'm just a blank page in a book, there is nothing to describe me by. I pure nothingness sometimes. I'm lost within all the frustration of the world and I need a way out.

I think sometimes its better to be with someone then be without. I lack the feeling of love from people and I feel like I'm standing at the ledge, I'm waiting for someone to say stop, but I only hear the wind blowin. I'm defiantly on the hardest adventure of my life and I don't see no ending. I'm not sure whether to control myself or let myself go. I'm scared, really scared and I'm confused. I've been told I'm a nice guy, but no one takes an interest in the nice guy. They only want whats hot and whats cool. No one wants what reality is, they only want fake and fiction. These words describes all of the douches out there and those girls left crying after they have chosen wrong. " Once I take second place, I won't be here. I'll be gone and I don't ever take second place."

I'm trying to think of my best day ever and the past comes back to me. I remember my true friends and how we survived in elementary. I'm soon to have my birthday party and hit 22. I remember when I hit 12 and remember 12 being the best year I ever had. I had the greatest friends Dustin, David and Evan. We were the best of friends and no one could rip us apart. We were young back then and my birthday party was the best time and last time I remember being really happy. I had the best friends that anyone could have till I moved. Since then, life has shown me who these people can become. Dustin has a kid now, David has seen the life of temptation and I pray for him everyday that he would leave temptation alone and Evan I've lost track of. I wish for those good days and I know I will never get to see them again. I wish I could be that happy smilin kid again, but my adventure doesn't allow me to become like Mr. Pan. I only get to move on and desire new dreams and memories.

Chapter 22: I Still Think of You

2012-10-03T00:34:00.001-07:00

I had a great night like always. Met some new people and we talked about all sorts of things. We talked about martial arts and if Jackie Chan is really a boss at fighting. The night I thought about getting older though, I'm turning 22 in a couple of days. Why do I need to get older?

I remember the movie Peter Pan and realize that I never want to grow up. I've been creating this past week my very own animated script for my final project and I'm getting very excited about it. I'm listening to Disney music and it just reminds me of the perfect childhood I had. I get thinking though after my final project what am I looking forward too?

I guess there is my career in animation and movies, but I wonder what life has for me. I don't even have a single crush. I guess I still think of you and when you told me it was going to be ok when my Grandpa died. I still remember that night when I heard the news and I sat in my room crying alone. I called her up and asked if we could meet. She told me it was alright and I grew stronger. God was with us that night and I miss that feeling. I know she was the one for me, but I was too afraid to say anything. She has since then, left and I wish I had that chance to tell her how much I appreciated her company that night.

I still think of her and sometimes have dreams where we are walking across a field of grass. We talk about life and I hold her hand. My dreams are realistic and life like. I can feel the warmth from her hands and see each strand of her hair blowing in the wind. I hear the song just now called How Great is Our God. I know it doesn't seem real, but it just happened. I know God is telling me something. I still long for my father and I love him so. I feel he has set on my heart to love her, but she is so distant. How do I let her know that I still care for her? To let her know after a whole year, will she think I'm joking or does she feel the same?

I remember meeting her at fallopolooza. Its a retreat that I went on with CRU and it was one of the best experiences ever. I miss all of my friends from CRU and I feel like my heart needs a change. I let someone know last week that I'm not a great person, I might seem nice, but in reality I'm dark sinner who desires what the world has to offer. God I pray to you right now, let me have a second, third, forth chance to come back to you and love you. I need your help in every way and I've fall too far to depend only on myself. Save me Lord, bring me to the light and maybe someday I can care about her or that special someone. Amen.