Daycare Doggerel - Nursery Rhymes Corrected and Improved

Little Jack Kroner

ectal — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 00:01:00 -0800

Little Jack Kroner fondled his boner,
Aiming it at his eye:
He gazed at the veins, and tattoos of trains,
And screamed, "Holy crap, am I high!"

Hey Diddy Diddy

ectal — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 10:05:19 -0800

Hey diddy diddy,
The welcoming committee
Is singing a terrible song.
My stomach flip flops with each nasty note
Covering Wang Chung is just wrong.

Bucky Sucky

ectal — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 00:01:00 -0800

Bucky Sucky, butter and lard,
Killed a goat in your front yard
When the cops came by to see,
Bucky Sucky danced with glee

One, Two, Maggot Shampoo

ectal — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 00:01:00 -0800

One, two, maggot shampoo
Three, four, rotten bait store
Five, six, eat some ticks
Seven, eight, masticate
Nine, ten, it's raining men

Old Queen Clench

ectal — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 00:01:00 -0800

Old Queen Clench was a dirty old wench
And a dirty old wench was she;
She called for her trick, and she called for her meth
And she called for her lubricants three.

Each and every lubricant had a flavor
Yes, a fine fruit flavor like--One, two, Spree!
Yet there's none so poor that they're dyin' to score
With Old Queen Clench and her lubricants three.

The Sleazy Greasy Hippie

ectal — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 00:01:00 -0800

The sleazy greasy hippie went out to hug a tree.
Down came the cops, and clocked him in the knee.
Out came the Tasers, it's play time for the cops.
And the sleazy greasy hippie falls down and kind of flops.

Ding a Dong Dong

ectal — Sun, 09 Dec 2007 00:01:00 -0800

Ding a dong dong,
Three dudes with a bong,
And what do you think they'll eat?
Some nachos, granola,
Some cheese from Angola.
So says the bro on the street!

Little Miss Doylette

ectal — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 00:01:00 -0800

Little Miss Doylette
Sat on the toilet,
Drinking some booze in a rush.
Inside came the cleaner,
His hands on his wiener
And just then Miss Doylette, she flushed.

Little Bo Vanity

ectal — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 00:01:00 -0800

Little Bo Vanity's lost her sanity
And gone completely crazy.
Leave her alone, Put her in a home,
She thinks we're all Patrick Swayze.

Jack Be Crazy

ectal — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 00:01:00 -0800

Jack be crazy,
Jack be fat,
Jack do drugs by the laundromat.

Jack huffs paint,
Jack sniffs glue,
Jack does drugs that we outgrew.

Mary, Mary, Revolutionary

ectal — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 00:01:00 -0800

Mary, Mary, revolutionary,
How does your movement grow?
With sleeper cells, and mortar shells,
And informative puppet shows.

There Was a Young Woman Who Lived in a Crack Shoe

ectal — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 00:01:00 -0800

There was a young woman who lived in a crack shoe
She had so little crack, she didn't know what to do
She couldn't buy more 'cause she ran out of bread
So she called on her dealer and gave him some food stamps

Jack and Jill

ectal — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 00:01:00 -0800

Jack and Jill were popping pills
Preparing for the slaughter.
Both ran down to the old playground,
To end the children's laughter.

Little Boy Blue

ectal — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 00:01:00 -0800

Little Boy Blue, I must forewarn
When you're not looking, your mom takes your porn.
Will she find shots of the neighbors asleep
After she flips past all of the sheep?
Will you forgive her? No, not you
Vengeance and death follow Little Boy Blue.

This Little Piggy

ectal — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 06:01:00 -0800

This little piggy went to the mall.
This little piggy did, too.
This little piggy went to the same mall,
This little piggy went to two.
And this little piggy was "broke! broke! broke!" and had to stay home.

Old Lady Plummer

ectal — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 07:31:23 -0800

Old Lady Plummer
Hopped in her Hummer,
To shop for a last-minute turkey.
She drove to the deli,
All they had was pork belly,
So she left with a big bag of jerky.

Monday's Child

ectal — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 18:53:12 -0800

Monday's child is controlled by the State.
Tuesday's child is consumed by hate.
Wednesday's child lacks that healthy glow.
Thursday's child never says hello.
Friday's child is cold and unforgiving.
Saturday's child is full of misgivings,
And the child who is born on Laundry Day
Is vile and sick and will lead you astray.