Each year I write about my experiences during this storied weekend. The account I give below is largely accurate in the same way that my campaign literature is “largely accurate.” I embellish only slightly, and omit only a few unimportant details which may or may not have anything to do with me getting arrested, sneaking out of restaurants without paying, or wearing High-Karate aftershave.

 DAY 1 – Thursday

    For the first time in 10 years I went up to New York Thursday night. I had been invited by a group of male colleagues and lobbyists I know to attend what was known as “Guy’s Night.” In the Quentin Tarrantino movie “Reservoir Dogs” the characters concealed their identity by calling each other “Mr. Pink” or “Mr. Brown.”  In that spirit, I will refer to my companions by their secret hors d’oeuvre names. So after I checked into the W Hotel and splashed on my High-Karate (hey, that never happened), I met up with “Mr. Shrimp,” “Mr. Salmon Puff,” “Mr. Brochette” and “Mr. Chicken Satay on a skewer with a lemon glaze.”

     First, we adopted manly theme songs. My buddies chose tunes such as “Wild Thing,” “Highway to Hell.”  I decided to use The Theme Song to the Brady Bunch. This led to a very manly debate how whether my choice was sufficiently macho which was interrupted by the arrival of our cab.

      First, we went to a very expensive steak house and, after being assured that the cows suffered sufficiently, ordered steaks the size of large steaks. Except, being a vegetarian, I ordered an eggplant quiche, which birthed yet another manly debate about just how manly we were all expected to be.

       Eventually, Mr. Salmon Puff suggested we go to a bar he had been to before. Soon, I found myself walking into a very loud, low-lit place where it appears that some of the employees were oddly dressed. For example, do you know how some dresses are sleeveless? These dresses were very, very sleeveless. I asked Mr. Shrimp who these people were. He explained to me how Vitamin D is absorbed through the skin, and that these were lobbyists for Vitamin D.

       When we first arrived, we were greeted by Tim, a large, muscular man in a tuxedo. I tried to get him to join me in a round of the Brady Song, but he didn’t seem interested. He explained he was the “exterior door man” and that he accepted tips. When we tipped Tim and entered the club we met Harvey. He was apparently the “interior door man” and was also kind enough to accept tips.

       Harvey then handed us off to Otis, who was our host. I was unaware of what a “host” does. But now I know that he points in the general direction of a bunch of tables, some of which have empty seats you can sit at if you wish. For this, Otis requires what he called “a special tip.”

         Soon a waitress arrived. and explained that if we would be kind enough to tip her, she would be kind enough to take our drink order. I asked if we could tip her when she brought the drinks. She explained patiently that another person would actually be bringing the drinks. That would be our “server”, and she likes”GIMONDO Tips.” I ordered a screwdriver and turned over the required $10 to ensure the bartender actually puts Vodka into it. I then went to the bathroom, outside of which I encountered Phil. We chatted briefly:

 Phil

Hi. I’m Phil

 Me

Hi Phil.

 Phil

I accept tips.

 Me

I thought you might. What is it you do?

Phil

I’m the Tornado Warner.

 Me

The Tornado Warner?

 Phil

I warn people going into the men’s room if a tornado is coming.

Me

Is that a big problem here?

 Phil

Not so far.

 Me

What about people going into the ladies room? Do they get warned?

 Phil

Oh sure, Todd does that. He takes tips too.

 Me

I thought he might.

    Finally, it was late. I walked back to my hotel by myself humming (“Here’s a story, of a lovely lady…”). I ran into a drunk guy walking down the street outside. He threw up on my shoes. I tipped him. Pa Society was off to a great start.

 Day 2 – FRIDAY

       I woke up late, after a Dr. Phil Marathon until 4:00 AM (I guess the macho thing still had a grip on me). I went for a long run in Central Park to clear my head and get rid of the Virgin Pina-Colada hangover I was nursing. Then my wife arrived and we caught up. She asked me a lot of very detailed questions about the Vitamin D lobbyists. Then, it was time to clip on my tie and head out to the receptions.

      I should mention that while I knew I would be seeing lots of people as I went from party to party, I wanted to make a particular point of sharing some quality time with Governor Corbett. Because the truth is, we have let our busy lives, and our disdain of the evil the other represents, get in the way of nurturing our relationship for the past…I’m not sure how old he is, but THAT long. So I want to make sure to…”stalk” is such a harsh word, but certainly seek-out the governor to give him the gift of some Daylin-time.

      The first event we attended was a reception for Senate Majority Leader Dom Pileggi. And it was very nice, depending on what you were looking for. If you were looking for Republicans, this party was AWESOME. If however, you were looking for a tofu-bar, there was room for improvement.

      However, I did have my first sighting of Governor Corbett. I waved at him. He pretended not to wave at me (very convincingly I might add). I wordlessly suggested we hang out. His eyes said “yes, yes, yes.” But his Secret Service detail said “time to move along pal,” so I cut out.

       I then went to the Cozen O’Connor event at the 21 Club. Here, there were no sightings of Governor Corbett, but lots of sightings of Lobster Rolls. The room was so crowded that I was forced to eat other people’s food just to make room for us all to stand. I saw about 45 legislators there, including about 42 future Presidents of the United States.

      At one point I got a cup of tea and started joking with everyone I met about how I was now a member of the “Tea Party.” And here I had thought that people became more jolly when they got drunk. Boy I was wrong about that.

      Then, me and my Leo DiCaprio-sized posse walked a few more blocks and went to Senator Vince Hughes’ party. He had advertised that the “Number One Urban Dance Troop in the Nation” was going to be there. And that’s why I went. If the event only was supposed to feature the number two Urban Dance Troop in the country, there was no way I was going to be there. When it comes to Urban Dance Troops, give me #1 or give me death! (Liberty? More negotiable.)

     I ran into Chamber of Commerce lobbyist Gene Barr there. I was not surprised. When I think of Urban Dance Troops, I think of the Chamber of Commerce. It just goes together, like peanut butter and liverwurst.

     I also was surprised to see Governor Corbett. I ran over to him before he could escape. We had a very long conversation where we found we agreed on almost every issue. Then, I realized I was actually speaking to Representative Tony Peyton. I really need to get better glasses.

      I eventually wound up back at the Waldorf and Johnny Doc’s Local 98 reception. There was a kick-ass band playing lots of Motown. They were even taking requests. When I asked them to do Monty Python’s Dead Parrot Sketch, I had my second encounter of the weekend with Governor Corbett’s security detail. It was hard to even say goodbye to folks, given that I was being dragged upside down as I left the room. But I did see a pair of shoes which could very well have been the Governor’s, and I slipped a note asking if he wanted to grab some Korean Bar-B-Que in his sock.

Day 3- Saturday

       Once again I started the day with exercise. I spent an hour on the stationary bike at the hotel gym. As I worked out, I watched a show involving a nun with a giant crucifix sitting almost perfectly still. I didn’t have head-phones so I couldn’t hear what she was saying. But it was so visually interesting I didn’t mind.

        After my shower I hit the Penn Breakfast. I love this event, you are literally swept along a sea of omelet-seekers. Your feet never have to touch the ground. As a result, you only have time for a very short sentence in any one conversation before you are swept away. So my conversations at the Penn Breakfast were as follows:

 ”I’ll have cheese with…”

“Good morning Tom, boy your wife was really…”

“Hey Congressman! Your new district looks like my…”

“Hey man, sorry about last week. I didn’t mean to vote against your disease.”

“It’s YOU! Why you little F…”

“Mayor Nutter! So nice to see you!

“What? No, this is not Narcoleptics Anonymous, you made a wrong…”

“Governor Corbett! Wait!! Stop! Are we still on for Korean Bar-B-Que?”

      Finally, I ran into Kevin Harley, Governor Corbett’s Press Secretary. Kevin once said “Daylin Leach says something outrageous and irresponsible every single day.” As we passed each other we joked about that, and then I said “Hey Kevin, Governor Corbett’s propensity to eat human flesh makes Jeffrey Dahmer look like a vegan.”

          Well, that irresponsible statement seemed to outrage Harley. I was happy to help out. It is, after all, the holiday season.

          That afternoon I went out with a friend of mine who always get me tickets to a hot Broadway show (remember what I said about certain traditions being valuable and enduring). This year we saw “Book of Mormon.” This play was written by the folks who bring you South Park. So if you go into this thinking its “White Christmas” set in Utah, you are in for a bit of surprise.

        After a nap, and another hour with my motionless nun friend (TIVO is awesome!) I went out to dinner with a couple of lobbyists I’ve known for a long time. They were nice enough to invite me even though it was a very Republican crowd.

       But when it came time to invite me, partisan politics meant nothing to these women. Apparently, neither did my table manners, nor wardrobe, nor my insistence on talking about how my prom date stood me up (you’d think my mom would have been more reliable).

       After dinner I ended the night at the Marcellus Shale Frack-a-Palooza. I’ve got to admit, it was an amazing party.    There was a large dance floor where everyone was letting their hair down. I even saw Lt. Governor Cawley cutting a rug. He danced like Fred Astaire, if Fred Astaire had been made of ply-wood. I also saw Mark Cohen jump up and do a split, although I’m not sure it was intentional, in that he’s still there.

        Finally, I spied Governor Corbett from across the room. He was doing some neat trick where he was taking frack water and burning a hole in the granite on the bar. I remember the moment perfectly. It was like the scene in West Side Story where Tony and Maria first see each other, and everyone else freezes. Except I don’t remember a bunch of secret-service agents leaping on Tony in the musical. I mean there was Officer Krupke, but he never had a Taser.

       In any event, I woke up an hour later, snuggly in my hotel room, with  the TV on and my wife muttering the names of old boyfriends. I suggested we put the nun show back on. But apparently someone had given her a Taser “for later.”

 Day 4 – Sunday

       Sadly, all good things must come to an end. And so to, must Pennsylvania Society Weekend. There wasn’t time to do much Sunday morning. We packed our bags, said goodbye to New York City, and waited an hour and a half in a Korean Bar-B-Que joint for Governor Corbett to show up. He must have been delayed by an emergency dog naming.

      But what is the take-away from all of this? What have I learned? How is my life, and the lives of those I touched richer? I’m not sure I know the answer to that, but I’m pretty sure it involves not wearing High-Karate aftershave ever again.

 Daylin

You’d think I would take some sense of satisfaction in always being right. But you’d be wrong (unlike me, who in similar circumstances, and by definition, would be right). Being right all the time is a burden. It’s like having a big albatross around your neck, except there is less pecking and less generally smelling like a bird.

I thought the Phillies offense would fail them in the playoffs, and I was right. I thought my prom date would ditch me for someone she could “stomach,” and I was right. I thought that People Magazine would insist on thinking “inside the box” and name George Clooney the Sexiest Man Alive instead of me, and yes, once again, I was right.

The latest thing I’ve been proven right about involves our Governor’s plan to change the way we select electoral votes from the current system, which is popularly known as the “winner-take-all” method, to a new system, popularly known as “Lets get Mitt Romney some votes” method.

In my previous writings, lectures, debates, and nude performance-art appearences on this issue, I said that this was a well-funded national effort to change the laws in cherry-picked states to guarantee that the Republican presidential candidate wins, no matter how the actual votes are cast.

I pointed to the fact that Republicans in Nebraska, one of the two states that does divide its electoral votes (and the only state to think that naming their sports teams “The Corn Huskers” is intimidating) are going back to winner-take-all because Barack Obama had the audacity, not only of hope, but of getting one electoral vote in a state that John McCain carried. Apparently, making sure the Democratic voters in Lincoln feel their voices are heard is not a priority to those who husk corn.

I further said that we would soon see the same plan emerge in other states where Republicans temporarily control state government, but which tend to vote Democratic (or “Communistically Fascist” as Glenn Beck would say) in national elections. I pointed to Wisconsin and Michigan as the next likely targets.

“WRONG!!!” said the administration (apparently not being familiar with my prom experience). “Senator Leach is paranoid, and delusional, and crazy, and a bad dancer, and his shirts don’t match his pants…” (the administration does tend to overreact). “This is just an innocent local effort” they said, “to ensure that the people of Central Pennsylvania don’t lose an election simply because they got fewer votes“. They demanded to know what evidence I had for my pierogi-fueled ravings. (Pierogies have a big effect on me).

Well, sit down. Prepare to be shocked. Maybe have a sip of scotch, or a bottle of Percocet (either one works), because this article hit today’s “Badger Herald” (they name newspapers after the local animal most likely to bite you in your basement):

http://badgerherald.com/news/2011/10/12/bill_would_divide_st.php

It turns out that Representative Dan LeMahieu, a Republican who represents the city of Cascade (where they make an excellent cheese that can also be used as a dish-washing liquid) in Wisconsin, has introduced legislation identical to what has been introduced in Pennsylvania. It should be noted that like Pennsylvania, Wisconsin tends to vote Democratic in presidential elections. In fact, their streak is longer than ours. They even voted for Michael Dukakis in 1988, which led their legislature to ban “voting-while-on-hashish”.

There are a couple of things to take note of here. First, I’m right again. So take that People Magazine.

Second, Republicans in Texas, Alabama, Mississippi, and other states the Republican Presidential nominee could not lose if he was indicted for treason, show absolutely NO interest in splitting their electoral votes by gerrymandered Congressional District. There is little discernable GOP interest in making sure the hippies in Austin feel better about their roll in presidential elections. These poor hemp-lovin’, tie-dye wearin’, tofu-eaters never vote for a candidate who carries their state. In fairness, they usually don’t vote for the Democrat either, preferring to cast their last 10 presidential ballots for either Ralph Nader, or anyone with the word “Rainbow” in their name.

This effort has now been exposed as an attempt to change the rules so that red states vote as a unified, winner-take-all block, and blue states vote in a divided by-congressional-district mess. Further, since the Republicans are the ones gerrymandering those blue states, they will still give most of their votes to the Republican candidate, even while their people vote Democratic. In Ohio, a 50-50 state, the new Congressional map is 12-4 Republican. Ours will be 12-6.

So lets say in 2016 Dennis Kucinich, the Democratic nominee carries both states. He will get 14 electoral votes, while Larry Craig (Hey! Anyone can make a comeback), the Republican candidate, will get 24. Meanwhile, Mr. Craig will get all of Texas’ 38 electoral votes. This means nothing less than the end of competitive presidential elections.

At the very least, the actions of the Badgers and the Corn Huskers make any denials that this is a national effort to rig presidential elections more difficult. At worst, this plan would be the end of our ability to claim that we are a true democracy. Of course, I could be wrong. But how often does that happen?

I don’t have many regrets in life. I’ve never climbed a mountain, but I’ve seen people doing it on TV. I have stopped to smell the roses. They smell awful. I haven’t dedicated myself to a life of serving others, but I have dedicated my life to serving myself, and I am “others” to other people. So that’s good.

However, there is one thing I have come to regret recently (yesterday, to be exact). I haven’t spent nearly enough time thanking former Senator Rick Santorum.

When I truly introspect, there are reasons (OK, more like excuses) I haven’t thanked Rick more. I mean, sure most of the stuff he stands for, on a scale of 1-100, 100 being the most evil, lands at about 345. But I’m not sure even that’s really fair.

For example, I used to think it was horrific of him to compare loving, monogamous gay relations to “man on dog.” But then I found out that Rick refers to welfare spending as “man on bison” and teaching evolution to “man on unevolved monkey” and gun control as “man on dude without a gun” and tax increases as “man on Grover Nordquist”, which is actually quite disturbing. Rick just likes the whole “man on…” meme.

What made me really want to thank Rick yesterday was his most honest, righteous and true statement on Governor Corbett’s scheme to rig future presidential elections by apportioning electoral votes by congressional district. First a little background:

Corbett’s scheme is designed to ensure that his party always gets the majority of Pennsylvania’s electoral votes. You see, Democrats have won PA the last 5 presidential elections. But Governor Corbett has brilliantly figured out the Democrat’s dastardly and dishonest method of winning. They get more votes. (I told you it was shocking)

People in parts of the state that tend to vote Democratic sometimes out-vote those parts of the state that tend to vote Republican. Having more votes, they then claim that they should win the election. I think you see the problem here. This makes Republicans who voted for the losing candidate sad. And Corbett wishes to change the rules so as to reduce such sadness. “Turn that frown upside down!!!” he says. We shall guarantee that you win, and are not forced to come in second simply because you got fewer votes.

I would note parenthetically that when the people from places which tend to vote Republican out-vote those that vote Democratic and, say…elect Corbett Governor: that’s fine!! His people are happy! And the people in Philadelphia who lose? Their sadness seems to trouble Governor Corbett less. Sadness at losing an election is just different in Venango County than it is in Philly.

In any event, Governor Corbett’s plan is essentially affirmative action for Republican electors. Even if their candidate loses the state by 10 points, they are still guaranteed a 12-8 victory in the electoral college. But Governor Corbett claims “this is not about Republicans and Democrats” and “I’m not thinking about who will benefit”.

Of course, it just so happens that his plan benefits his party’s presidential candidates. Apparently Governor Corbett was utterly oblivious to this. He may not know yet, so please ask him to sit down if you plan to tell him. The shock might cause him to get the vapors.

I can relate. Once I was playing a chess tournament (reason #277 why I didn’t get a date in high school) and I was losing. So I thought I’d light my opponent’s hair on fire, just to lighten the mood, and then smash the chess board with a mallet. I had no idea that his forfeiture of the game followed by his months-long hospitalization would benefit me. Sometimes you are just lucky that way.

Anyway, back to Rick. Yesterday he was in Harrisburg when a reporter asked him if he supported the governor’s electoral-college scheme. “I sure do!” he said,  “The current system is kind of like man-on-Himalayan Bog Turtle…” Then he went on to say what everyone in the world already knows:

“Certainly, from the standpoint of a Republican, it’s a winner,” Santorum said. “Republicans will come out ahead in Pennsylvania in every election. The way Democrats win, they have two big cities with huge concentrations of voters — and then overwhelm the rest of the state.”
{This can be found at www.politicspa.com}

Let’s examine this a bit. Rick’s reason for supporting this scheme is laid out right there. It will be a “winner” from the stand-point of the Republican Party, which is clearly the basis on which we should be writing the rules of elections. In fact, Rick observes, “Republicans will come out ahead in Pennsylvania in every {Presidential} election”. There it is. The entire purpose behind this proposal.

It is interesting that Rick would support the bill for this reason. He spends a lot of time with the tea-party folks who wear their colonial garb and talk about their love of the founders and our beautiful system of democracy. I don’t recall Jefferson and Madison and Adams talking a lot about rigging elections so the outcome is preordained.

Although, in fairness, if you go back to the original hand-written source materials for the federalist papers, you’ll see that whereas it has commonly thought that Thomas Jefferson wrote about “preserving the Republic,” it was actually “preserving the Republicans.”

So now we know the truth, and the truth shall set us free. We can only wonder when Tom Corbett will level with the people of Pennsylvania. In the meantime, thank you, Rick Santorum. Thank you.

Daylin

~Daylin

To the Editors:

Last Sunday’s Inquirer contained an editorial by Lt. Governor Jim Cawley that argued against taxing Marcellus Shale extraction in Pennsylvania. As a strong proponent of imposing such a tax, I would like to point out some flaws in Mr. Cawley’s argument

Mr. Cawley argues that imposing any extraction tax would “deter” drilling in Pennsylvania and compel the industry to “leave” Pennsylvania. He cites Alberta, Canada as an example of a place that imposed a tax causing drilling there to be put “on hold.” With all due respect, none of this is true.

First, even in Alberta, things are not as Mr. Cawley portrays them. The Duvernay Shale deposit there is in the embryonic exploratory stage. There are no active commercial wells, although energy companies have been spending billions on land for years, uninterrupted. Mr. Cawleys assertion that companies in Alberta  put shale development “on hold” is simply not true. It never happened

That said, it is odd that Mr. Cawley goes to a different country to find support for his position. There are 33 states in this country with active shale deposits. 31 of them impose a tax. I suspect that the reason Mr. Cawley felt compelled to look abroad is because every single state in this country with a tax also has a booming shale industry.

In fact, the states with the most natural gas production have among the highest tax rates, with Texas, Oklahoma and Wyoming imposing a tax averaging over 7% of the value of gas produced. Conservative Governors Sarah Palin and Rick Perry both signed an extraction tax bill for their states. There is very little support for Mr. Cawley’s position anywhere on the ideological spectrum.

The reality is that the shale industry is not going anywhere. There are billions of dollars to be made on natural gas that the drillers can only get in Pennsylvania. Further, there is nowhere for them to go, since virtually every other state with a deposit already imposes a tax. We have many things to worry about in Pennsylvania. The drilling industry leaving our state before every bit of natural gas has been extracted is not one of them.

Mr. Cawley argues that ANY tax would be “punitive” (although how is never explained) and that “taxes deter business and job growth.” That is not an argument against taxing Marcellus Shale. That is an argument against taxing anything, ever. Refusing to charge out-of-state companies to take our resources out of our ground isn’t about keeping an industry here. This is about the Corbett administration’s theological objection to taxes in general, regardless of Pennsylvania’s educational, environmental or infrastructure needs.

Senator Daylin Leach
17th District

Governor Corbett really likes Commissions. In his short tenure he has appointed several to deal with issues such as Transportation, Marcellus Shale, the role of Government and whether to change his name from Tom Corbett to Lola LaFontaine (recommendation? No in the short and medium term).

Commissions can be very useful, particularly if you, like Governor Corbett, stack them with people who are already committed to recommending what you have already decided to do. For example, the Marcellus Shale Commission was composed largely of administration officials, energy executives and advocates from groups like “People for a More Noxious Tomorrow.”

I adopted a similar strategy recently when I had a dispute with my friend Walter. We were having a fight over which one of us is the bigger Dufus (it is a fight we frequently have). So I appointed a Commission to explore the matter composed of me, my mom, and 3 dudes who owe me money. Oddly, the Commission still found that I was the bigger Dufus (the evidence was compelling).

I am particularly intrigued by his new commission on privatization. The purpose of this commission is to find the “core functions” of government and to privatize everything else. I worry that the Commission will find that there are no core functions of government, particularly since the Chair of the Commission is also the President of the “There Are No Core Functions of Government” Foundation.

But I always try to be a “when-in-Rome” kind of guy. So I have a suggestion for the new Commission on something we can privatize, Lets privatize the legislature!!!

I know what some of you are thinking; Isn’t making laws a core function of government? Well that’s the sort of loathsome Socialist monkey-crap I’ve come to expect from your type (howdy mom!). Since the private sector does everything better, wouldn’t it obviously do a better job at making laws? Here’s how it would work:

We could keep the same number of seats we currently have in both the House and the Senate. But instead of electing people to fill those seats, we’d sell them, to the highest bidders. To be fair, the poor would have the same chance as corporate CEOs to bid for these seats.

This would have two huge advantages over the current system. First, we could then use the money raised by selling the seats to plough back into tax-breaks for the corporations that bought the seats in the first place. See, its Win-Win (a big “win” for the corporation. I’m still working on who the other “winner” is). Second, if we know that a particular seat was bought by Conoco Energy, it would save lobbyists time in unnecessary persuasion.

We could also make money selling naming rights. Plus, think of the added cache our legislative chambers would have with the right branding. I think we all agree that the term “House of Representatives” is a bit stuffy. But the tourists would flock to, say “Keebler’s Law-a-Pallooza“. The Senate could be ‘Exxon-Ville” and the decor could be changed slightly from a Roman theme to more of a Fossil-Fuel Extraction motiff.

Think of the money we could raise (and give away to billionaires) if we could name the capitol building itself the “Cialis Center“. We could install adjacent bathtubs in the rotunda with sculptures of Ben Franklin and William Penn sitting in tubs next to each other looking pleased that their state was thriving, and that their genitals were working as intended.

In fact, our tax-pledge friend Grover Nordquist once said he wanted to “shrink government to the size where he could drown it in a bathrub.” He could use one of our Cialis tubs to do that, although he would have to work around a pharmacalogically aroused Ben Franklin.

Look, some people say our government is for sale already as big campaign contributions beget even bigger tax-breaks and subsidies to people who don’t actually need them. Why not just embrace that? What has democracy given us other than a social safety-net, clean air and some really annoying regulations about sending 6 year olds into sulfer mines?

A private legislature, on the other hand, could give us what Pennsylvania really needs; blue-light specials on school funding and 2-1 deals on tax cuts. Instead of passing resolutions about Diabetes Week or recognizing some soft-ball team, we could pass resolutions honoring “The People who Own Us“. And to think, people claim I don’t do enough to support the private sector.

Love Daylin

-Governor Tom Corbett-

Yesterday we passed a budget. It’s kind of like passing a kidney stone, only more painful. (And I say that as someone who just had his first kidney stone, the story of which is forthcoming in a future BLOG called “Kidney-Copia!”, complete with links to Youtube and a gift shop).

This budget was particularly painful, unless of course you were a wealthy energy executive or wealthy contributor to Governor Corbett’s campaign, in which case it was still painful, if you define pain as “getting lots and lots of money and being asked to contribute nothing.” Education, health care, poor people, the environment all took a huge hit. Why? Because, as Governor Corbett said, we were living within our means and acting like a family does. And presumably this doesn’t mean the Manson Family, although that would help things make more sense.

But is that really true? Is this lots-of-cuts-but-no-new-revenues policy really consistent with what a family does? As I understand the Corbett philosophy, this is how he would advise a breadwinner to address his family in tough times.

Daddy

Gather round family. I have some bad news for you.

Son

Do we have to shoot the cat again?

Daddy

No son, worse. Times are tough. We all have to tighten our belts.

Daughter

But Daddy, your belt seems to tighten on its own.

Daddy

It’s a metaphor, little girl. The point is, we have to cut back. So from now on, we’re down to two meals per day. No new clothes, no more piano lessons.

Son

But we don’t take piano lessons.

Daddy

Hush!! Plus, no more tutoring, and son, don’t suck on that asthma inhaler to hard, cause you’re not getting another one. Oh, and we’re going to have to shoot the cat. Again.

Son

But you said we wouldn’t have to shoot Fluffles!

Daddy

That was another metaphor, Son. But I want to make you a solemn promise. The one thing we will never do is accept any new income into this house.

Wife

No more income?

Daddy

That’s right dear. I give you my word of honor, that I will not ask for a raise, I will not work more hours, I will not get a second job, and if I find money on the street, I will not spend it on this family. I promise

Wife

But wouldn’t it be better to have some additional income than to stop feeding the kids?

Daddy

Only if you are a Socialist and hate America dear. Now where is that damn cat?

Of course all of this is ridiculous (except the cat part). Any family facing tough choices would seek new income. Further, most families go into debt to live in their own home or send their kids to college. Some things are worth investing in. That’s why, while Grover Norquist’s “No-Tax Pledge” has enticed some politicians to sign, his “No-New-Income Pledge” for families has been less successful, as has his “No-New-Oxygen Pledge” for deep sea divers. Sometimes you simply need resources to make your life work. Most families understand that, and would be confused by Governor Corbett’s unbreakable promise to deny our state the resources to function.

Daylin

Beginning when we are children, we all take pledges. The earliest pledge for most of us is when we pledge allegiance to the flag. Most of us earnestly do this before we know what “pledge” or “allegiance” mean. All I knew was that it involved “the Republic for which it stands” which I assumed was all one word (“Forwhichistan“) and was probably near some of the smaller, similarly named countries in Soviet Siberia.

As I grew older I learned there are other pledges people take, almost all of which are bad ideas. For example, some people take a “Pledge of Chastity,” which, if the statistics are any indication, is tantamount to a pledge to get pregnant, immediately.

Then there are the loyalty pledges we made people sign during our dark, McCarthy period (I refer to Senator Joseph McCarthy, not Charlie McCarthy, the ventriloquist’s dummy, whose view of anti-communist purges is more ambiguous). Turns out, that people who are disloyal, have absolutely no problem signing loyalty pledges. Go Figure.

I remember taking the Boy Scout pledge. I don’t remember all of it, but part of it was me swearing to be “brave, clean and reverent.” But as a 15 year old, I was a scrungy, blasphemous coward, so clearly that pledge needed some tweaking.

Then there was the “Pledge Pin” where a young man would insert his fraternity pin directly into the pectoral muscles of his best gal. At least that’s what I did. Maybe that’s why I never got second dates. And then some pledge their “troth,” and who the hell knows what a “troth” is?

The point is that most pledges are a bad idea. They usually involve promises to do things that you know won’t feel right or won’t be right in days to come. That’s why you take the pledge now. You are saying:

“No matter what happens in the future, no matter what facts change, or what circumstances change, or how I change, I am pledging to this bone-headed thing, no matter what. So help me God.”

Let me give you an example. suppose I take the “No Right Turn Pledge,” which says as follows

I ____________, am of reasonable intelligence. This means I am not as dumb as a __________, nor is my name _______W. _____. I hereby pledge, when driving on the streets of Pennsylvania, that I verily, and with utmost rectitude, will never, under any circumstances, make a “right turn,” or “right hand turn” as people who need extra help call it.

I shall refrain from turning right even if I am driving straight and my destination is on the right. Or, if I am heading towards a brick wall and my breaks fail, and there’s a huge cliff on the left. Or, lets say I see a big sign that says “Lots of Money ahead, on right!!!”  Nope not even then.
By my Hand  ___________________

Seems kind of silly, huh? Well, our governor has signed a pledge which makes the “No Right Turn” thing seem like pure genius. I refer to the “The Taxpayer Protection Pledge.”

This is a pledge written by a man named Grover Norquist, who has, to my knowledge, never even been to Pennsylvania (he may have taken a pledge not to), but who nonetheless appears to be running the state.

Mr. Norquist’s pledge requires the signer to never, ever vote to create a new tax or increase an existing one. It does not matter how low the existing tax rate is, what kind of tax would be raised, what it would go for, how dire the state’s fiscal situation is or how tiny the increase would be.

So even if the rapture did happen on May 21 (and I’m quite sure the guy is right about the new date) and we needed a small tax on…say…cigars to help deal with all of the unexpected rivers of molten lava and swarms of locusts, that would be unacceptable to Grover.

This pledge applies under absolutely all circumstances. If it only applied when it made sense, you wouldn’t need a pledge. That would be a no-brainer and not require the services of Mr. Norquist.

Recently, some in the legislature suggested that we charge the Marcellus Shale drilling industry a “local impact fee” to help defray the costs of the damage they do to the communities where they drill. The supporters of this proposal made it very clear that this was NOT a “tax.” It was a “fee.” You can tell because “tax” and “fee” aren’t even spelled the same. Plus, the money raised would not go to educating kids or giving medicine to sick people, or any other part of the radical, Kenyan Socialist agenda. Surely, Grover Norquist would smile on this.

But alas unicorns, it was not to be. Grover, communing with the Spirit of Jack Kemp, as well as the spirits of the Koch Brothers, who while not actually dead, are too rich to require physical bodies, issued his edict. This fee was really a tax, and would be a violation of THE PLEDGE.

So apparently, because the govenor signed this ridiculous pledge to ignore all facts forever, our hands are tied. Grover Norquist rules the day, despite the fact that this does great damage to our state, despite the fact that he was never elected to anything in Pennsylvania, and despite the fact that his name is Grover.

I have an idea for a pledge. It goes something like this…

“I, ________ hereby pledge that I will address every public policy question with an open mind, and that I will consider all the facts and do my best to do what’s right for the people of Pennsylvania, without regard to rigid ideologies, or bone-headed pledges written by dudes I’ve never met named “Grover.”

In the name of Zeus ______________

Done. Now I’m off to put my troth on EBay.

Daylin

Typically, if you are in politics, 6-8 weeks before an election you become reluctant to open your mailbox, and not just because you fear there may be bills, or copies of Oprah Magazine inside. You know that your political opponents (or your ex spouse) will be sending ugly negative mail about you.

Ya know how you might have voted to raise taxes in the past, or gotten arrested for DUI, or went to a football game nude? Well forget all of that. Its not nearly salacious enough. Negative mail usually kicks it up a notch.

Your DUI will morph into your shameful involvement in the OJ murders. You’re having a strange name will tranlate into you having been born in Kenya (lots of Daylins there apparently) and your going to a football game nude will become…actually, that one is pretty good on its own.

The good news is the hate-mail usually stops shortly after you’ve won the election. If you have a 4 year term, you can go commando to all the sporting events you want for at least 3 and a half years. Then, as re-election gets closer, buy a pair of Jordache Jeans just to get through the next cycle.

However, that general rule of people leaving you alone between elections did not apply to me recently. The back story is that I’ve been fighting an awful bill that would create vouchers to give to a few public school kids to go to religious schools, and pay for them by taking the money from the poorest kids in the state.

Famous bank-robber Willie Sutton once said “I rob banks because that’s where the money is”. The voucher bill is sort of a new take on that in that its going where the money isn’t. Because where the money is, they don’t want to give it up.

A pro-voucher group called Students First doesn’t appreciate my efforts. I should note that this group is funded by a group of extremely rich billionaires (unlike the poor kind).

There is an old expression in the context of newspapers, that says you shouldn’t pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel. Apparently you also shouldn’t pick a fight with people who fill their swimming pools with molten gold, which is tough to swim in, but does make a point.

Parenthetically, I would note that extreme groups often name themselves after the opposite of what they actually stand for. So if you, for example, believe that it would be great if Celine Dion were eaten by bears, you might name your organization “Celine In Tact” or “Hungry Bear Inc.” Similarly, Students First has an agenda which would pretty much end education for millions of students, hence the catchy name.

In any event, Students First sent a mailing to my constituents which you can find HERE. As you can see, “Daylin Leach Refuses to Help Kids Trapped in Violent Schools. Why?” Well duh!! When they ask “Why” do they mean “aside from the obvious reasons”?

I would note as fair warning, I not only refuse to help kids trapped in violent schools, I also refuse to help kids trapped in burning buildings. If a kitten is trapped up a tree, you won’t find me running for the Jaws of Life, which probably wouldn’t help anyway. And when a little old lady is crossing the street, I like to point off in the distance and yell “Look, Kangaroo!!” as a truck bears down on them. I will however make sure that their assets get to their next of kin, assume their “next of kin” is me.

The mailing then speculates that I take this position because I’ve received some contributions from teachers in my political career. For unknown reasons they completely ignore the fact that I may just be utterly psychotic!

Oh, and there is one other possibility, which is that SB 1, the bill they are pushing is an awful bill which would condemn millions of poor kids who can’t get into posh private schools to a third-world level education. I think that Students First should explore both the “bad bill” thing and “me being psychotic” thing a little more deeply.

I would also mention that Students First saying that I should ignore the “big contributions” teachers have given me (if only!) shows that they have a very poorly developed sense of irony. This is the same group that has given 7 Million Dollars in campaign contributions to Pennsylvania politicians in the past year alone. Maybe, if SF really wanted politicians to ignore political contributions when making policy decisions, they’d stop using a crop-duster to shower money on politicians themselves.

(To read more about the contributors to Students First, please read Rachel Tabachnick’s Talk2Action blog article titled “Voucher Advocate Betsy DeVos, Right-Wing Think Tanks Behind Koch-Style Attack on PA Public Schools” here.)

The same group also paid for a “poll” in my district so they could say I disagreed with my constituents on this issue. This was always going to be tough in that about 80% of people in my district are against vouchers. But you see, if you have no scruples or intellectual honesty, you can word a “poll” to get whatever result you want. In this case, they worded the poll as follows:

“Would you favor saving children from violent public schools if you knew that it would not raise your taxes or affect your schools in any way”

They then issued a press release saying that 67% of the people in my district did indeed favor that. The obvious question is, who are these other 33%? I actually think they could have gotten better numbers if they just took the question a little further. For example:

“Ok, now let’s say you not only get to rescue the kids from violence, and no taxes, and no affect on your school, but you also get a 2012 Nissan Rogue!

That would have probably brought it up over 70%. If they promised a cure for baldness, it would have hit 80%.

It’s unclear why Students First sent this to my district. If it was to get me to shut up, well, clearly that didn’t work. It seems to me that they are just bullies with a lot of money, and  their misleading mailing and polling suggest that they think the people of Pennsylvania are stupid. And come to think of it, if vouchers pass, they will be.

Similarly, if you ask the hostess at a dinner party how her butt can possibly fit on her chair, you are also unlikely to be invited back. This is not directly relevant to the pigeon bill, but still good to know.

Just by way of background, you should know pigeon shoots are not “hunting.” Hunting involves some element of “fair chase” meaning that the animal has some theoretical chance to escape. This is what makes it a sport. That is why people do not “hunt” potato chips. They just sit there. They don’t run away. Although I have no doubt that there are many good NRA members who would die for their God given right to blast a bag of Sour Cream and Onion Ruffles with a AC-556 – M1 Carbine “Grenade Thruster.”

In a pigeon shoot, there is similarly no “fair chase.” The bird is kept in a small box for a long time. Then, someone with a large gun stands a few feet away and waits for the pigeon to be pitched out of the box. It brings to mind the famous Monty Python skit:

HOST
Today we have a man who’s cat can fly!

GUEST
Yes, my Tibbles will fly across the air into the bucket.

HOST
Wow, amazing. Does she fly by herself?

GUEST
No, I fling her.

When the pigeon is “flung” out of the box, it is immediately shot. If it doesn’t have the decency to die immediately, it lies wounded on the ground until some young child is sent to wring its neck. (And they said that me taking my son to drop pumpkins from bridges onto passing cars was “bad parenting“).

I should also note that such “boxed hunts” are banned in all 49 other states. Think about that. States where it is legal to eat people ban pigeon shoots. States that have no problem setting land mines around gay bars or refuse to fly the Confederate Flag because it is “too pinko” say that pigeon shoots go to far. There are almost more states that rhyme with “Pennsylvania” than join Pennsylvania in allowing these barbaric events.

When I introduced my bill, the NRA sent out an “action alert” saying that I was threatening the Second Amendment, which apparently not only gives you the right to carry a gun, but also protects your right to shoot specific stuff, including, dammit, small disoriented birds!

[At this point it would be appropriate to crank up Lee Greenwood's "Proud to be an American." If you don't have that, the Star-Spangled Banner would suffice, but "F%&@ You" by Cee Lo Green would not.]

As a result I got more hate mail on this than on any other issue I’ve been involved with. I got e-mails from all over the state telling me that I obviously hated America and that God, who wanted the pigeons he created to be slaughtered as quickly as possible, was very disappointed in me. They insulted my ancestry, mental stability, and ability to look good in a Speedo (they may have had a point there).

Most of these people never bothered to write about poverty, homelessness, under-funded schools or unsafe roads. But take away their right to cage and shoot pigeons at close range and you’ve crossed a line. The only other time that line is crossed is when you threaten the right to shoot endangered species, or shoot people who look at you funny on the street, or people who don’t look at you funny on the street, or in a bar, or on campus, or in a hot tub, etc.

Yesterday however was strangely different. There were no blast e-mails. There were no protests in the Rotunda. The lobbyist for the NRA didn’t even appear at the committee meeting.

Everyone present voted to ban the shoots. Maybe it was because this time it was introduced by a Republican Senator who has been shooting, stabbing, garroting, smothering, sitting on, electrocuting and otherwise smiting small creatures for decades.

Or maybe it was simply because people finally realized that boxed hunts, like canned-hunts, or kicking newborn puppies to death really isn’t very sporting after all.

I like to think of myself as a pretty worldly guy. I’ve been to the rodeo. I’ve eaten the Easter Peeps. I’ve paid full price for a muffler. But every once in a while, something so outrageous, so off-the-charts awful happens (like Celine Dion making a new album) that even I am shocked.

Such a thing happened last Tuesday in Harrisburg when our new Governor, Tom Corbett gave his budget address. I entered the Hall of the House for the joint session all prepared. I had my ankle warmers and flask of hot cocoa, because one can get cold in the capitol. The Senator sitting next to me had his flask of Jagermeister, because one can get sober in the capitol.

I was wearing my “Tony Luke’s Makes the Best Sausage” T-Shirt (I get a small fee) and my giant foam hand with extended index finger in case Corbett mentioned Temple University and my jar of mace, in case…well…just in case.

The governor’s speech started off promisingly enough in that he didn’t trip walking up the stairs. That is no small thing. In 1822 Governor Joseph Hiester fell off of the dais during his budget address and hit his head. For the rest of his term he could not be persuaded that he wasn’t a large chicken, which led to some very restrictive, yet innovative agricultural legislation.

While there was much in Mr. Corbett’s budget I disagreed with, that is for another day. After the address was over, I dragged my neighboring Senator (he finished his flask) back to his office and started lazily paging through the 1,124 page Policy Statement which accompanied the budget. In it, I found something truly shocking.

Governor Corbett included a paragraph (copied verbatim at the end of the BLOG) which set forth a new policy on how we regulate. It turns out that the Governor wants a “friction free” relationship between regulators and the industries they regulate. This is troubling. “Friction-free” relationships are very rare in the best of circumstances. I haven’t had a friction free relationship since my imaginary friend Dodo, when I was a kid. But by the time I turned 40, even he came to loath me.

Historically, friction doesn’t arise because regulators like Woody Allen movies and Industrialists don’t. There is only one reason for “friction,” which is that industry doesn’t like to be told they can’t dump poisons in lakes or mercury in the air or have to give their workers bathroom breaks. So in other words, a “friction-free” environment sounds frightfully like a regulation free environment.

Things then go from bad to worse. Under this new policy directive, those who head our regulatory agencies (the Secretaries of the Department of Environmental Protection, Labor and Industry, etc.) will lose their power to make regulatory decisions.

Now, in order “to be more responsive to the needs of job-creators” (very little is ever said about the needs of “job-doers“) the Secretary of the Department of Community and Economic Development is “empowered to expedite any permit or other action pending in any agency where the creation of jobs may be impacted.”

Ok, lets stop there. What will our actual regulators now do since they are losing their ability to regulate. One word…Yahtzee!!

Keep in mind, that this strips the departments of their control over when to issue permits, and “any…other action.” Presumably going to the rest room now requires a call to DCED.

Of course, this only applies if “creation of jobs may be impacted.” I suppose this could have been broader. It could apply “only if air is being breathed somewhere” or “only if Lindsay Lohan is getting arrested.” But this is pretty darn broad.

Any regulation could theoretically impact the creation of jobs. For example if a regulation says you have to clean up a stream you polluted, that will cost money that could have gone to hire someone to dump more pollution into that stream. Or if a regulation says you can’t beat employees with rubber tubing, the guy who beats folks is suddenly on the street.

Finally its bad enough that there is a guy whose job is to stop health, safety, worker and consumer regulations. But it’s even worse when you realize who that guy is. The head of DCED is a man named C. Alan Walker.

Let me start off by saying that I do not know Mr. Walker. I have never met him. He may be a perfectly delightful man. Maybe he buys flowers for his wife on her birthday. Maybe he buys flowers for my wife on her birthday. God knows someone should. That said, his public record does not instill great confidence that he will be a strict guardian of our safety.

First, he has given $184,000 to Governor Corbett over the years. That sounds like a Kool-Aid drinker to me. I don’t have many $184,000 donors (although I am open to meeting them!). But if I did, I doubt I’d have a very arms-length relationship with them.

He is also the head of one coal company and has an ownership interest in an unknown number of other coal companies. That is also strange. At any given time, I know exactly how many coal companies I own. He also has a history of polluting and refusing to clean up until a court makes him.

One Senator said to me that he’s not surprised that the Corbett Administration is doing this. He’s just surprised that they are saying it out loud. (No, this was not the Senator with the empty flask.) But I disagree. Nothing like this has ever been done in the United States before, ever. This looks to be a hyper-aggressive move to gut our health and safety laws for the benefit of wealthy corporations. I’m starting to miss Governor Hiester.

Here is the policy paragraph in full:

Regulatory Reform: Friction-free processes for government interaction with job creators are critical to maintain economic momentum and competitiveness. State government needs to be a partner with job creators. To address the length of time agencies take to act on permits and eliminate permit backlogs, PennDOT and DEP have begun auditing and assessing all of their permit processes to make them more responsive to the needs of job creators. In addition, the DCED secretary is empowered to expedite any permit or action pending in any agency where the creation of jobs may be impacted.”