Deacon Dr. Fresh Wine Newsletter

Recession Reds: Billy and Grano!!!

2009-04-16T13:56:00.012-04:00

Good Afternoon, friends, foes and Dean Tudor, who's appointed himself my official spel chekker!

...and of course, a hearty greeting to all the rest of you Malbec swilling shower of feckless defermentables!

BITE ME CRANK!!!

So the pleasantries dealt with, let us commence. Normally, I'd be listening to a little Acca/Dacca or Geto Boyz for inspiration, but today it's Glenn Gould all the way. I began with Schoenberg (Voice and Piano) , but there's something about the lilting brutality of the German language that's more counterproductive than contrapuntal. So now it's Gould playing Beethoven's solo piano variations. As many of you know, I'm obsessed with Glenn Gould, even going so far as to place flowers on his grave each year, on the anniversary of his death - and no, I didn't see any of you there. I'm so much a follower of Gould's genius, that I see no point in anyone else ever playing piano again; it's now a closed field, like optics.

But I digress...

2 nights ago was a major blast. The Deaconess and I headed across Egg Lantern Ave. and down Young Street with Don Velouche Brutus and Kathryn the Great, to Grano for a Billy Munnelly speshul event: Recession Reds. Now if you've never checked out Grano, you MUST do so. The owner and host, Roberto Martella, does a truly mega-lurch job. In fact, in a city of great restaurants, Roberto is one of the 3 truly classy dudes who excel in the gracious host department. (The other 2 are of course Sol Benarroch from Sette Mezzo, and John Maxwell from Allen's) Screw the Iron Chef! I think there should be an Iron Host TV show, and these three can take on anybody in the frickin' world...and win!

So Billy arranged this amazing evening with about 20 different bottles of red wine under 10 bucks. The tasting was done blind and was followed by a fantastic spagetti and meatball dinner with more wine included, all supplied gratis. (That's "free of charge" if you live in Keswick) It started out as a small affair for about 20 people and grew to take over the entire restaurant, which Roberto made available for the tasting. We got there about 15 minutes early and the line was right out into the street, which didn't prevent a huge star like your humble Deacon from muscling to the very front. It's actually easy to do. You just alternate yelling "Woman with child" and "I'm having a stroke!" It works every time. Failing that, you can try yelling "SARS!" or "Unclean! I am a leper!" That will get you in almost anywhere ahead of the crowd...

Anywhere except the frickin' ER, it would seem. Your humble Deacon had pneumonia a few weeks back and went to Sunnybrook Hospital Emergency, since I regard the geographically closer, Toronto East General as the Guantanamo Bay of hospitals and Scarlem General more the place I'd pick if I wanted a lethal injection. Well we went to Sunnybrook, which is bright and clean and has everything you could possibly want in a hospital...except doctors. Apparently, you're supposed to bring your own. One poor dude had been waiting since 4PM and it was now nearly 2:30 AM! I kid you not. I checked myself out and we saw my own GP the next day. Your tax dollars at work, folks...I was going to yell "Bite my feverish wand!" as I dragged myself out, but the phalanx of security guards were a bit too serious looking for a man with lungs full of fluid to fight and prevail.

But back to Grano...

Anyway, Billy and Kato kept it all running smoothly (the Grano event, not the ER) and there were 3 rooms full of shouting, drinking, laughing people, some of whom forgot it was a tasting and tried to get their "money's worth". There were a lot of vino heavyweights there too, including The Star's Gord Stimmell, Charles Baker of Stratus (and his own Riesling) fame, Graham Duncan, from Drinksville Media, and the Globe and Mail's Beppi Crosariol, who was very gracious and came over to meet the Deaconess.

"He's much younger in person than he looks in his picture!" she said as he walked away. You hear that Beppi? That's a compliment. Much better than having the frickin' Dorian Gray thing happening...

When it was all judged and tallied, not surprisingly, the plebs didn't get it to a large degree. They naturally went with Ubantu and Obikwa, the smooth, soft, predictable New World offerings. It breaks my heart to see someone take a sip of Montepulciano d'Abbruzzo and crinkle their face in disgust.

Morons...Your bus is leaving.

You're supposed to drink it with food. I complained to Billy about this and told him that everyone at our table was talking about Malbec and how it's all they drink. They still don't understand rustic wines that have a little bitterness and are made to go great with food.

"It's alright Deacon" he said smiling. "They're slowly coming around..."

Kudos to Grano for a total blast. Thanks Billy and Kato. I'll see you at the next one!

Note to Sunnybrook Hospital:

Hire some effing doctors!

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Still alive, despite the best attempts of the Ontario health care system

Who is John Galt?

2009-03-10T14:01:00.007-04:00

This just in:

The World's gone mad.

And now back to our regularly scheduled SOMA broadcast...

Greetings crop circle enthusiasts, survivalists, and watchers of Sirius everywhere!

And a wide variety of clever and brilliantly cutting comments to the rest of you I-Phone worshiping DIX!

Has anyone else had that nasty cough with body ache and skin soreness, or is it just me? I'd like to hear from our shut-ins, especially all of you still recovering from the latest round of completely natural virus infections that aren't intentionally spread, and weren't manufactured in germ warfare labs at all.

So...last week I was invited to attend an industry professionals only wine tasting, put on by Jason Woodman of Woodman Wines and Spirits Inc. Now what made this particularly interesting, was the location of the event, namely the Spoke Club, at 600 King Street West. The Spoke Club is cloaked in mystery, and you've pretty well have to be royalty to even get a peek in the window, which is difficult if you can't fly, since it's on the 4th floor of the building.

I didn't want to be a keener, so I arrived an hour after start time, and parked a few blocks away. The front door was unremarkable, but equipped with an electronic finger-print pad that opened a small, triangular, sliding panel, revealing a retina scan. I placed my left eye against the aperture and found myself staring at a vintage Lotus Seven S II in an underground garage. I knocked shave and a haircut, and a computerized voice yelled "Passwords?" I shouted "Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard" and the door slid open, and I climbed into the Lotus and drove up a long steep ramp. After about 40 seconds, I emerged in the City of Westminster, London. I had nothing else to do, so I drove down another ramp and walked a long dark hallway, arriving at a room with maps and a moron behind a desk who kept asking me why I resigned, until I punched him in the face, putting an end to that foolishness. Then I drove to an apartment and decided to pack some stuff and fly to the Costa Brava, but a hearse arrived and a tall cracker in a top hat injected sleeping gas in the keyhole and I passed out. I awoke, slumped on a couch, with Michael "The Glans" Pinkus standing over me, laughing. "Welcome to the Spoke Club! That's some security system, eh?" he asked, grinning, and handing me a tumbler full of 1995 Champagne Henriot Cuvee des Enchanteleurs, which despite its $195.00 pricetag, seemed like a real deal. I had a headache from the sleeping gas, and rubbed my neck as I scoped the room. The ceiling was nearly 70 feet high, and festooned with Caravaggios and Tintorettos, which are "pitchers" to those of you in Keswick. There were about 20 other winos presents, and a couple of other people whom I recognized, including Ken Lay, Sirhan Sirhan, and Dean Tudor, who had somehow contrived to wind up behind the bar. I sidled up to the organizer, Jason Woodman, who was a really lurch dude and both friendly and knowledgable. I wanted him to know that unlike the other attendees, I actually "got" the event. I wolfed down a plate of roast quail, truffles, cheese and bread and guzzled a few glasses of 2005 First Drop Shiraz, Barossa, which was a mistake, because Pinkus and Tudor both told me it was only 2% alcohol, which was clearly a lie. It was actually 2% Albarino, which gives the Shiraz more kreft and zale. I liked it a lot, and it will be 33 bucks at Vintages on April 11th. (#107599).

After a couple more plates of free food, I began to look around a bit. There's a good sized bar in the centre of the room, and a circular flight of stairs leading up into the distance, past rows of priceless leather-bound books. You gotta hand it to Galen Weston, the Loblaws Czar, who's the wunderkind behind the Spoke Club. The Deaconess has taken tons of Loblaws cooking classes, and they really do a great job. Walmart can officially bite my wand forever.

After a while at the food table, I heard a commotion, and assumed Pinkus had splashed wine on one of the 16 first edition Gutenberg Bibles and Ann Rice books, but it wasn't his doing. A wine writer named Barbara Ritchie, suddenly leapt back from the table with a scream, and we all thought she was having a stroke. It turns out that her cellphone had just gone off in her front pants pocket. Pinkus said it must have been on vibrate. I said that based on her reaction, it was probably set on TASER!

I hung out for awhile with Graham Duncan (no relation to the badminton star), from Drinksville Media. Their tagline is All the Booze that's Fit to Drink. The vibe was good, and although there were some wines I liked more than others, the good ones were really good! One I especially liked was the sole Iberian offering: 2007 Palacios Remondo La Vendimia, Rioja. It's also at Vintages (#674564) or at least will be on March 28th. For only 16 bucks, I found it really interesting.

I hung out with Billy Munnelly for a bit, and then climbed the ladder to the upper eschelons, but wasn't allowed in where Bill Gates and Bono were playing Texas Hold-em against Prince Charles and Dick Cheney. I was shoed out by a couple of guys from Blackwater, and decended the stairs at terminal velocity to the main floor, where I said my goodbyes to Billy and the others. At the exit, I was handed my car keys and given a whiff of sleeping gas. I woke up on the Eastbound Gardiner Expressway, stuck in traffic. I'm still there.

Thanks to Jason Woodman for the invite! It's great to be back in the loop...

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Always on Everyone's A-List

I BE BACK, CRACKAHS!!!

2009-02-12T13:14:00.013-05:00

So stop your lame-ass widdlin' and snivelin'! It is a glorious day in Scarlem because His Excellency, President Deacon Doctor Fresh - the Undefeated Welterweight Wine Fighting Champion of the World is back on the scene!

Control yourself ladies and hos! I got a wife!

Wassup, homeys and cheeseheads?

Now it's true that your Deacon has not put quill to parchment for a long time and of course, the whole effing planet's axing "Screw the economic meltdown! Where's the Deacon?" Well I'm here to tell y'all that it's been one fantastic whirlwind of a year. Not only has your humble Deacon guzzled about 3 bottles of quality vino a day since my last posting, but there's been a lot of other stuff goin'on too.

Thanks to all you mega-fanz who've stuck with me, even though I've been below the radar for reasons I'm about to explain. I kept hearing from people like Colio homey Doug Beatty and Billy Munnelly axin' your Deacon where he gone to. Your concern is appreciated, and your Deaconic addiction is about to be assuaged and mollified...Where else can you find a gangsta wine journalist that actually reads Ginsberg, Salinger, Basho and Machiavelli? Nowhere, peckah!

And now of course, the usual emetic and cathartic rant...

Greetings assorted DIX and bastards and a hearty ingest my banana to all you "extra-hot latte with soy milk" Stradlater-styled morons who don't understand how brilliant this gonzo wine column actually is!

What a fantastic rant that was! I didn't edit it at all, it just flowed in a stream of consciousness...Shades of Virginia Frickin Woolf!

So...there is so much to tell you that I don't know where to start. Last year, one of my peeps, Tony Aspler got the Order of Canada and deserves a hearty congratulations for it! This is the highest civilian recognition in the Great White North, and although we don't have to call him Sir Tony, I think it's probably a good idea and will help us all stay in his good books in case he winds up as Prime Minister some day. Now speaking of awards...

Around June last year, I got a mysterious phone-call on my cel, which surprised me, since almost nobody's got that number. It was this serious sounding guy and he axed me to meet him at the Four Seasons Hotel for drinks, and told me it would be "in my best interest". Now your humble Deacon's more than happy to meet a challenge head on, so I took the Bentley out of mothballs and roared downtown. I burst into the lobby bar and was met by a friendly black dude who was flanked by a couple of genuine heavies. I can't tell you his name due to issues of National Security, but his initials were B.O. It turned out that he was running for President of a major Super Power and wanted your Deacon's support. I axed what was in it for me and he axed what my price was, and I thought about it for a minute or two. Then I answered that I wanted the planet Mars. He seemed relieved and said that it was doable. All I had to do was make some hilariously damaging comments about his opponent and make sure they were widely circulated.

"You have an enormous influence on the general populace" he said smiling.

True dat!

I'd write the smear and his team would do the rest. I figured this was a good deal, and drove home and wrote a pamphlet describing his nemesis, John McC*in as a kimodo dragon wearing a suit and standing on its hind legs. Then I printed about a million of these on my HP printer and flew all over a certain country to the south in my Apache Attack Helicopter, dropping leaflets by the bundle. Rozeen and the South Central Wine Posse helped out.

Obviously it worked. The rest is history.

So awhile back, NASA sent a space plane for me and flew me to Mars where a huge 2 month long ceremony was held in my honour, with over 3,000 performers gathered at Cydonia where they have this giant face from a previous ancient civilization. I was presented with some gifts, including a crystal skull, a Mayan calendar and a bunch of diamonds and emeralds. We drank Krug Champagne and watched the sun rise between Phobos and Deimos, and then I was proclaimed Emperor of Mars.

That's right! I'm the effing Emperor of Mars!

Let's see you top that one, Aspler!

And you people thought your lives were interesting.

More to follow...

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Emperor and Legal Owner of the Planet Mars

Prime Cydonian Real Estate available! Act now!

You heard me.

Stratus and the Genius of J.L. Groux

2008-05-29T10:23:00.009-04:00

Hello Normal People.

Yes, hello my normal friends, you wonderfully normal people who simply cannot live without my incredibly appropriate and entertaining information. Hail and well met! My fondest greetings are now yours, as I sit here writing and listening to Van Der Graaf Generator's new CD...

...and to all the rest of you super moronic, Brock and Judy faced Bone Jesters, who refuse to own a cel phone that's more than 2 weeks old, but sit around moroning, and bastarding, and focus on "important stuff" like getting as many flu shots as possible, and talking about how many miles per gallon your SUV gets, and reminiscing about how much money you had before the paper condom market collapsed...

Bite my rich red rocket!

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta...

OK...here we go. It was a beautifully clear, and mostly chemtrail-free day when my Ace Homeboy, Michael "The Glans" Pinkus, hooked up with your humble Deacon, under the fine stonework of Union Station. We met at Harvey's for what was advertised as "breakfast" and to call it vile would be to unfairly credit it with quality. I mean this would have been sent back by a starving salt mine worker in a gulag! We had originally envisioned a bacon and eggs with toast and coffee sort of meal, but instead found ourselves presented with Harvey's version of the usually tolerable Egg McMuffin. Imagine a slimy pale egg with a couple of strips of slithering undercooked bacon slopped to one side on top, with a slice of irradiated and anemic tomato under the entire open sore. Then imagine stuffing this mess into yesterday's hamburger bun, and you get a sense of the massive affront to our olfactory and gustatory senses. (That's smell and taste for those of you in Keswick) At least the McDonald's variant all fits together nicely, is actually filling, and a pretty good start to the day if you're in a rush. None of this can be said for the Harveys creation, which resembled a carbuncle wrapped in a crusty diaper. Only the addition of some depleted uranium could possibly have made it worse. Let's keep in mind too, that a hamburger bun is actually the cheapest piece of crap that can still be somehow classified as "bread". Now my question is: Why don't Amy Pataki and the Canadian League of Professional Ass Clowns, Criticasters, and Bone Jesters go after Harveys instead of picking on decent little restaurants that serve real food? There's a whole frickin' expose here folks...Calling W5...Anyway...I beat my "breakfast" with a plastic fork until it stopped struggling, and chucked it in the garbage, and Pinkus followed suit. Which leads us to another question? Why do we have to use plastic knives and forks at a railway station? Do they think if they give us metal cutlery, we're going to hijack a frickin' train?

So we walked back across Front Street from Union Station to board our Niagara bound bus. We crossed the busy road using a method I call "The Eglinton East Walk". It's pure Scarlem. You can get across any busy street, if you just cross without looking. That forces the drivers to assume full responsibility and slam on the brakes. Try it. It's awesome!

"Bus?" you ask. "What bus?" Well that's the really cool part. Pinkmeister and I were on the list for a trip to Niagara and lunch at Stratus, Ontario's Ultra-Lurch winery, and yes, they actually sent a cool little bus for the five of us! Now that's frickin' class! I left the gunmetal gray Aston Martin DB5 parked in front of the Royal York and we raucously boarded the mini-bus, Pinkus grabbing the best spot for himself, where he could stretch his size fourteens out in the aisle. Our driver Keith handed us each a snack bag with H2O, OJ, fresh muffins and croissants (crescent rolls to my Keswick readers) and we hit the Gardiner Expressway at full tilt. Within about 40 minutes, we took a break at the huge Wendy's and Tim Hortons and were off again. I won't give you a lot of info about the bus trip, as I want to give Stratus the linoleum's share of the article. Suffice to say, there were the usual hilarious double entendres, brilliant japes and hysterical laughter from Pinkus and yours truly. I love hangin' with this dude. It's kind of like having Hunter S. Thompson as a friend; the high jinks are never far away...The Pinkmeister brings out the best...and worst in me. I put him onto one of my fave books: The Anubis Gates by Tim Powers. In return, he got me into the dark sounds of Australia's Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds and their CD Murder Ballads, which is definitely not for the faint of heart. My stomach was a bit churny after the "food" at Harveys, and I commenced singing a brilliant composition of my own entitled The Colon Song. (Lyrics available on request) Pinkus has an English degree, and he quickly learned the words and joined in lustily, although the melody eluded him for most of the day.

Our driver Keith did a four-wheel power slide into the Stratus parking lot, and we roistered into the tasting arena, where we were greeted by the lovely and svelte Suzanne Janke. We stood around swashbuckling for a while, and drank some very nice Stratus Riesling in Riedel that sliced through the remains of the Harvey's glop like a High Explosive Anti-Tank round goes through reactive armour. Ultra refreshing and very bracing, it prepped us for the amazing wines and food to follow. We hung on until a couple of Niagara wine writers arrived, including my new homey, Evan "The Greek Avenger" Saviolidis, who's right into the whole UFC thing and closely followed my own Octagon career, including my defeat of Robert "Nosey" Parker a couple of years back. After a while, we hooked up with Stratus' winemaker, the Glenn Gould of the Grape, the Wanderlei Silva of the Winery, the immortal J.L. Groux. Now I have a helluva lot of respect for Ontario's winemakers. We've got some real talent here, including Frederic Picard, David Sheppard, Jean-Pierre Colas, Ronald John Giesbrecht, Norman Hardie, Carlo Negri, the team of Craig McDonald and Rob Power, etc., etc. And when you're talking about talent, J.L. Groux is truly a frickin' heavy-hitter. Like Stratus itself, J.L. drips with quiet class. He took us out to the vineyard to check out the vines while Suzanne and staff poured some delicious rose. The Cab Franc was already budding and the grapevines looked as though they'd been trimmed by Vidal Sassoon. After a fascinating discourse with the man I call "The Albert Einstein of Wine", we headed up to the patio, where Pinkus, Evan and I sipped pink wine in the sunshine and alternately faked kicks at each other's crotches and laughed like baboons.

Now you got's to undestand: Stratus is as far from being typical as your Deacon is from the average cage-fighting wine writer. Stratus sits on 62 prime acres at the perfect temperature moderating distance from Lake Ontario. The soil contains three types of clay and drains really well. Also, they get less rain than some of the areas of Niagara, and dryer soil leads to hardier grapes with deep rooted vines. I've spoken before about Stratus' pump free winery, it's amazing eco-consciousnessand the gorgeous design of the building itself, so I won't go over it all again. Check out the winery here for all that lurch info.

We headed into a private room and sampled the flagship wines, Stratus Red and Stratus White - three of each. These showcase J.L.'s genius insofar as they're different every year. He gathers whatever has done well and assembles them into a highly complex and age worthy wine, thus the name "assemblage". This creates a kitchen sink wine, but it's the kitchen sink of the Ritz in Paris! J.L. is careful to create wines that are drinkable with food immediately, but are extremely age worthy, like a fine Bordeaux. We also sampled their first ever Gewurtztraminer of the 2006 vintage. The floral nose on this will knock your sox off! As we sipped it, I wondered if there's anything J.L. can't do well...We moved on to the 2005 Cab Franc, my particular fave. I think Cab Franc is Ontario's red grape and to be honest, nobody does it better than Stratus. If you think you can find a better Cab Franc anywhere then buy it! And then bite my wand, 'cause you're a DIK for thinking that! My brother-in-law Craig, who lives in France, raved about Stratus Cab Franc, and he's practically an alcoholic!

We then had an unbelievable lunch, catered by Treadwell. We had perch, duck confit, pork belly, spinach greens picked that morning, amazing artisan cheese, etc. It was beyond good, and was so perfect, it had almost become annoying. How could I ever enjoy food again, after something this amazing, combined with J.L.'s outstanding super-premium wines? We ended with 2007 Stratus Icewine Red. It's a rollicking combination of Cabernet Sauvignon, Cab Franc and Syrah. It smelled exactly like ripe red berries and had a finish that went on 'till next Tuesday. The thing that made it all so great, was J.L. sat and had lunch with us and is a really easy-going, friendly kind of guy. I remember another Ontario winemaker of note, who when I brought up J.L. Groux's name, went quiet and then said "J.L. Groux...yeah...he knows what he's doing alright..." If I told you who said it, you'd realize the level of the compliment. We were joined over our meal by Suzanne and also Director of Marketing, Charles Baker. Charles is a really friendly and highly entertaining fellow. He has a unique talent of answering virtually any question with a convergence metaphor, both hands in the air; gradually moving together as he speaks...Get him to show you when you visit...And you will visit, because Stratus is like Paris. Everyone needs to go there once...and once you do...you know you'll be back again.

You can buy Stratus wines from the winery, and be warned: You're going to pay a premium price. But since these are super-premium wines, it makes total sense. These are good enough to serve to the King of Mars. I picked up a bottle of Gewurtz, a couple of bottles of Cab Franc and yes, I grabbed the icewine too. Suzanne presented each of us with a goody bag, containing a special Stratus tasting glass and a box of delicious truffles. Thanks babe. You rock big time!

All good things come to an end, and we climbed back on the bus and Keith drove us back to Toronto and the Royal York Hotel. On the way back, Pinkus tried to get me singing the Colon Song again, because he'd forgotten the melody. I wasn't into it though. I was practicing telling fascinating convergence metaphors with my hands moving slowly together to illustrate the point I was making.

Thank you Suzanne, Charles and Ontario's wine genius, J.L. Groux. May he live long and prosper, and continue to raise Ontario's wine bar higher and ever higher.

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Gonzo Wine Journalist

The Deacon and Brutus declare "Viva Balsam!!!"

2008-05-21T14:30:00.012-04:00

Yo Foodies, Omelet heads and Toast Addicts!

I be back! And if you're wondering who the serious white boy in the picture is, it's The Man Himself, Don Velouche Brutus. Now this is an overdue posting, but a highly significant one.

But first, the usual brilliant rant:

Greetings to all my frenz and fanz, and a particularly sallow "Bite my entire staff!" to the moronic mob of morons who sit around moroning like morons and don't even realize what morons they are.

So anyway, your humble Deacon and Deaconess were recently wined and dined by Don Velouche Brutus and his consort, Kathryn the Great, in honour of your Deacon's birthday. Brutus being a noted oenophile and amateur food critic, his invitation to Balsam was particularly interesting in light of a fairly recent and devastating "review" of said establishment by noted Professional Restaurant Criticaster, Amy Pataki. The review in question bore such a pale verisimilitude to our experience with the restaurant, that one wonders if the term "review" should be replaced by "ass clown hatchet job". So on the night in question, we took the Black Rolls out of mothballs and picked up the generous couple and in a matter of minutes, arrived at Balsam in the trendy Beach/Beaches area of Canada's finest city. Brutus had brought a couple of BYO bottles of wine with him, including a particularly lurch Stratus Cab Franc, and we were soon ensconced in a cozy table and friendly staff and patrons with nary an ass clown in sight or on site.

Now this is a very cool little place. It seats around 30 people and the food has a distinctly Mediterranean flavour. I had the surf and turf, and if you're an Ass Clown Food Criticaster, you probably expect something like you'd get at the Keg. But this was no 20 oz Porterhouse and Lobster tail surf and turf. Think small quantities and amazing quality; some braised beef ravioli with a couple of flawlessly cooked scallops on top. Newsflash! It's the sort of portion you'll get in Paris and is not meant to be wolfed down. The salad was incredible and the service, more than up to scratch. The desserts are actually a family secret and we sampled some of the most melt-in-the-mouth cookies we've ever tasted. Part of the mandate is to provide smaller plates that the table can experience as a group. Other items include jerk quail with caramelized banana and Mango Gastrique, and pan seared crab cake with spiked sour cream and citrus corn sauce! Genius Chef Nick Drake manages to create his culinary wonders in a tiny kitchen and is readily available for questions and comments. Main man David Salter who earned his stripes at Oliver Bonancini is highly attentive, keeps things moving and makes sure his patrons want for nothing. If you're just down for a snack and a drink, you can hang at the bar, and the patio's open in warm weather. Situated at Queen East and Balsam Avenue (coincidence?), it's dressy casual and also open on Sunday!

Seriously, homeys - we loved our dinner and the ambiance is very cosy. The Deaconess and Kathryn the Great loved their dinners too, and were less strident than usual, which was a huge plus. The only improvement I can recommend for Balsam would be a box of lawn darts at each table that you can throw at any Ass Clowns who try to cross the thresh hold and ventilate their personal inadequacies via scathing and vituperative "reviews".

I think Balsam is the Beach/Beaches best kept secret. Y'all check it out. Tell David the Deacon sent you. He'll treat you well.

I'm givin' Balsam 5 Frickin' Starz!!!

A huge thanks to Don Velouche Brutus and Kathryn the Great for a spectacular birthday dinner!

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Protectin' my homeys from Ass Clowns and Criticasters...

iYellow Wine Club visits the Black Freighter!

2008-04-10T11:43:00.017-04:00

Happy Spring, Children of the Vine!

The frickin' snow's finally decided to eff off and the warm sun has returned at last. And with the return of warmth, a woman's heart turns to romance, and a man's mind turns to Boppin' in the Beater!

...and speaking of Boppin' in the Beater, which we are, I gots a really kool interview for y'all with the Deacon's Fave Beater Boppin' Babe of 2008: Italian Foxette, Ange Aiello!

Now I know if you're anything like me, as soon as you think "Italian" your mind turns to other things...but this is a wine blog, so I won't even mention any of the fascinating cultural additions that Italy's given us, like Ferraris, Michelangelo, pizza, vumpio, thrustio, trains that run ontime, and rotting bodies weighted with bricks in plastic bags at the bottom of Lake Ontario with the teeth smashed in and the fingerprints sliced off...

But first the usual rant that so many of you tune in for...

Greetings Boyz and Girlz, and special Yo Wassups to Kirkland Lake's Charlie "Chuck" Waggon, Sir Tony Aspler, Jono Kuhling, John Maxwell, Billy Munnelly, Sadie Darby, and a host of other gracious fanz of the Deacon!

And a hearty "Blow my bagpipe" to all you feather dusting, flag waving, Earth Hour obeying, propagandized, boardwalk strollin', always texting, moronized DIX who give your kids stupid names like Chardonnay and Thaddeus, and sit around moroning in the Bozone, and who've read my blog for years but still sit there with blank expressions and twiddle your thumbs!

Avast peckers! Let the story commence!

It was a sunny day in Pizzaville when the Young Professionals, Ange Aiello and her partner in wine, Paxton Allewell stepped out of their limousine at Queen's Quay and strode up the gangplank of the Black Freighter. Pep frisked them for weapons and wires and went back to his usual spot on the helicopter pad and resumed polishing his blackjack collection and splitting cornflakes with a razorblade. It was warmer than we'd gotten used to, so Paxton and I raised the black silk sails and we slipped smoothly out of our berth next to Captain John's Seafood Restaurant, and headed toward Ward's Island with Adam "The Sadist" Sutherland at the tiller. The brisk breeze was refreshing, and the sun was already over the yard-arm, so I served up a round of Deacon cocktails, which are birdbath sized martini glasses, swirled with Havana Bay Rum and then filled with ice-cold Cave Spring Riesling, and then topped with a few grains of lemon zest.

It was actually a pretty cool discussion. Ange does most of the talking; Paxton adding the odd comment when needed, as your Deacon threw in the usual hilarious lines that largely slipped under the radar.

iYellow Wine Club came into being a couple of years back, when Ange and Paxton, who met in university, decided to fill a niche in the wine industry by providing a wine education / social event service to young professionals, the same way your humble Deacon provides a wine service to society's bottom-feeders, gangstas, pirates and psychotic martial arts freaks. Since then, they've gone on to provide fantastic bus tours to wine country, along with tastings and seminars, in an unpretentious manner - although I think Billy Munnelly owns the word "unpretentious"... Beginning with only 250 members, they've attracted a couple of thousand newbies and show no signs of slowing down. What began as a hobby has become a full-time career move. The thing that makes iYellow Wine Club interesting to many, is that fact that it's free. As a member, you get all the updates about upcoming tours, like their Green Wine Tour. Now I know a lot of my readers will immediately be going "Wha...?" but it isn't some kind of late St. Patrick's Day event. It's a tour of organic winemaking, including stops at Flat Rock, Tawse, and the tiny but beautiful FrogPondFarm. You jump on a bus with about 30 other crackers and Ange and Paxton bring you up to speed on all you're sampling. Now the tours aren't free, but they're very reasonable, and based on how quickly the club's growing, iYellow's doing something right! There are lots of other tours too, including a Celebrity Wine Tour which will be happening in May. You'll get to check out the wines of Mike Weir, Wayne Gretsky and Dan Akroyd, although you don't get to go into their houses and snoop through their closets. They also do Naked Wine Tastings...but you'll have to check with them on that one...

Here's a recent story on Ange and Pax on CBC. Check it out. Also be sure you check out their website and join the club! You'll find out there's more to clubbing then waiting in line outside a bar or crackin' some moron over the head with an ASP tactical baton. There's a whole world of wine out there to explore, and the iYellow Wine Club will be happy to show it to you!

Here's their website. Tell them the Deacon sent you, and they'll give you a free membership. (Yes, I'm a comic genius!)

The wind died down on the leeward side of Ward's Island and we dropped the sails and engaged the twin 500 horsepower Pratt and Whitney turbines and pulling hard to port, headed back north. I asked Ange and Paxton who they'd fight in the Octagon. They seemed puzzled at first, but finally decided they'd like to fight...
each other....Calling Dr. Freud!!!

So thanks to the iYellow Wine Club for the interview. Ange and Paxton will be hosting the 2008 Ontario Wine Awards in Niagara on the Lake, and tickets are still available! Y'all go check them out.

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Always supportin' the homeys...

The Deacon Visits Keswick!!!

2008-02-05T17:36:00.001-05:00

Greetings my dear friends. What a great experience this has been! After a number of humourless readers complained that I was constantly "trashing Keswick", I decided to check it out for myself, and had to admit I was wrong...Keswick is NOT a dull, cultureless wasteland. It's actually a thriving cosmopolitan mini-city, with no need to interact with the outside world at all.

Mayor John-David "Rick" Jeeter, seen in the photo with the Keswick District Health Officer and the World Junior Snowmobile Jump Champion, took me for a spin around the mini-city on the official Mayoral vehicle: an all-weather, curb climbing, luxury snowmobile, for a whirlwind tour of educational fun and thrills!

Here's what I learned:

Far from being cultureless, Keswick has its share of celebrities. Noted actor and comedian, Jim Carrey temporarily lived in a trailer in Jackson's Point, only a short drive from Keswick. Glen Toulin, the brilliant jew's harp and musical saw player once lived in Keswick for an entire summer, and 2 time Southern Ontario Crokinole Champion, the late Dave Ellings lived near Keswick all his life. The mini-city is very picturesque, with a marsh, a snowmobile parts dealer and a Seven Eleven that stocks everything you need, from white bread to dew-worms and snowmobile parts. Every winter, from October to May, the second largest snowmobile picnic in the world takes place out on Cooke's Bay. Only Kirkland Lake has a larger one! Here, local mechanics and parts dealers drink beer and tell hilarious stories about people crashing through the ice and washing up on the beach in June. There is a prize for the best decorated snowmobile, and the locals drink the favourite Keswick cocktail: hot chocolate and beer! If you've never had a hot cup of this gut warming potion, try it with a fresh chunk of bass on a slice of white bread. Then head up to the Stephen Leacock Theatre, which is being bulldozed to make room for the Dave Ellings Crokinole Arena. It's easy to find - just follow the line of make-shift snowmobile crash crucifixes and head north! And make sure you stick around for the Canadian Ice Fishing Championships!

Keswick also has a library, although it's technically in Jackson's Point. It's open every Wednesday, rain or shine, and here you can borrow perennial favourites, like The Dummy's Guide to Ski-doos or The Idiot's Guide to Snowmobile Crashes. Keswick's thriving nightlife is something you have to see to believe! His Worship took me for a ride down the Main Street sidewalk where we played "Scare the Senior" and then it was off to the late night butcher's shop to watch the new meat slicer in action. She's a lovely girl. Saturday mornings are spent recovering from Friday night's snowmobile crash, or simply polishing the Polaris with an appropriate wax from Canadian Tire. The big entertainment on Sunday is watching the traffic lights change. (It happens at noon, if you don't want to miss it.) The Keswick Congregational Church holds outdoor services all year, so you don't even have to climb off your all terrain vehicle or Snowjet!

Here are some fascinating Keswick facts:

Did you know...

Mary Dales at 82 is the oldest person in Keswick?
One of the houses in town is thought (by some) to be haunted?
More hot chocolate and beer is consumed per capita in Keswick than any comparable city?
There are an estimated 60 tons of snowmobiles on the bottom of Cooke's Bay?
Keswick has the highest person to book ratio on the planet?
The official game of Keswick is not ice hockey, but crokinole?
The Keswick Snow Collision Hospital has a first rate Testicle Trauma Ward?
Although Keswick is known primarily for "snowmobiles on the sidewalk", 87% of Keswickians own Jet Skis too?

As we roared East on Morton Avenue, leaving the frozen wasteland of Cooke's Bay behind, I could hear the gunning of engines and the occasional impact and stifled scream as the good folk of Keswick celebrated the beginning of the weekend, well into the early evening.

"It's a great town, Your Worship" I said to Mayor John-David "Rick" Jeeter, as I cradled the commemorative Dave Ellings Crokinole Set I'd been presented with at the Seven Eleven / Mayor's Office.

"No Deacon. It's a thriving cosmopolitan mini-city" he responded. I dismounted the luxurious, air conditioned, Arctic Cat Icebuster and stared across the bay where the bright headlight glare of the bulldozers indicated the razing of the Stephen Leacock Theatre had begun.

A thriving cosmopolitan mini-city?

Damn right it is.

So visit Keswick. Come for the morning and stay all afternoon. Come for the crokinole and stay for the five pin bowling. Keswick's open all year round, and it never sleeps...
And make sure you grab a mug of hot chocolate and beer, and a slice of bass on white sandwich bread. Tell them the Deacon sent you.

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Supporting thriving cosmopolitan mini-cities everywhere

Creekside Rox the Deacon!

2008-02-05T11:14:00.001-05:00

Good morning Boyz and Girlz!

Your Deacon here, with a much delayed article about one of my all time faves: Creekside Estate Winery!

The dudes in the picture are the Dynamic Duo of Ontario wine, namely Rob Power (standing) and Craig McDonald (drinking). But before we continue...

Hello to my millions of fanz from Greece to Colorado, you are loved! And of course, a special greeting to all you...wait for it...this is going to be a good rant...

All you Blackberry thumbing, Axe spraying, Bill Gates worshipping, Africa vaccinating, coffin saluting, Adirondack hiking, red meat, colon encrusted, DIX out there:

Exfoliate my Victory Garden!!!

Wow! That was excellent. And highly cathartic too...

So let's talk about Creekside...By now, my lurchest fanz have realized that I cannot be frickin' bought. Your humble Deacon only supports wines and wineries that he believes in. I go out of my way to not diss people; although I'm not above neck-cranking them if they realllllllllly bug me. My strongest criticism is...silence. If I don't like something, I just ignore it - like a certain winery that would love to have the Deacon support the rooster juice they call wine; they want my imprimateur, but it ain't gonna happen... So in the past, I've written up the fine wines of Coyote's Run, Henry of Pelham, Cave Spring, Colio, Norman Hardie, Huff, Stratus, Penninsula Ridge, etc., because they all do a great job and make highly lurch products.

And Creekside fits securely in the lurch product aisle
.
What y'all got with Rob and Craig, is a highly effective team that brings diverse ("different" for those of you in Keswick) skills to the table. Former sommelier and Ontario boy, Rob, graduated from the first class at Brock University's Cool Climate Oenology and Viticulture Institute. Our local gunslinger is joined by the Wizard of Oz, Craig, who has worked at 9 different wineries around the globe. Now your Deacon has a lot of boisterous Australian friends, but Craig's the laid-back type, and isn't necessarily going to call you gay, just because you own a vacuum cleaner or occasionally help out with the dishes.

But the wines...

It was my mentor, Billy Munnelly who introduced me to Rob and Craig as well as marketing wizard, Matt Loney, a couple of years back, and believe me, Creekside makes some fabulous stuff! Some of you will remember that I've been on a rant for sometime about how Shiraz will never do well in Ontario unless someone moves the earth closer to the sun, because Shiraz needs a lot of sunlight to develop fully.

Well...I was wrong! But as usual, I admit to being wrong, which is always the right thing to do. So if you really think about it, that kind of makes me right after all, so get off my case and bite my wand!

Creekside has made some Shiraz that's mindblowing! I don't know how they do it, and I aint axin', but one sip will convince you. Remember, this is a premium product. The 2005 Broken Press Shiraz is just incredible! The boyz use the time-honoured method of adding a splash of Viognier, which despite being a white grape, actually makes the wine darker and inkier. All the grapes come from their own vineyards at St. David's Bench. This'll run you just over 30 bucks, but it's worth every penny, and is the perfect bottle to impress that hot ho, so you can take her home for some boppin' in the beater! Zoltan gave it 4 1/2 stars out of 5, and that Hungarian knows his frickin' wine. Watch too for the 2006 Shiraz. Your Deacon hasn't tried it yet, but I've got every reason to believe it will be another killer.

Another really lurch wine is Laura's Blend White. This is a mix of 6 white grapes, including Riesling, Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, Pinot Grigio, Viognier and Muscat. The result is wonderfully startling! There are layers upon layers of complexity and flavours both local and tropical. They've just kissed it with oak too, instead of knockin' it dead with a sheet of frickin' plywood. This will run you about 18 bucks and deserves to be checked out. Typically, only Stratus' J.L. Groulx shows this kind of creativity, but Rob and Craig have stepped up to the plate and hit it out of the frickin' park!

I could go on and on about this exceptional boutique winery, but you need to check it out yourself. You can visit their website and online store by clicking here. Y'all tell them the Deacon sent you, and say yo wassup, to my homey Matt Loney. He'll take good care of y'all.

Congratulations Creekside, and thanks for keepin' it real.

Your Deacon has your back...

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Occasionally vacuuming, but not gay

The Deacon Samples Some Lurch Lindemans Whites!

2008-01-14T10:36:00.000-05:00

Happy January! Yes, dear friends, I be back again!

...and of course, all the rest of you thumb-suckin', goblin fleeing, data-transferring, scrotal fever blisters can officially bite my wand.

It's gonna be a great year for wine, and I wanna start the annum off nice and easy with a review of a couple of bottles of white wine I've enjoyed recently. Now of course some of you have already tuned me out, because you "only drink red wine". I'm sure you do...but have you asked yourself why you "only drink red wine"? If you really think this through, I think you'll discover that the primary reason for this is quite simple: You're a DIK! You are missing out on some great wines that just have to be consumed in the right context for you to enjoy them every bit as much as your heavy-hitting reds.

When I started studying the Munnelly methods of wine drinking, it quickly became apparent that white wine served a valuable purpose in the overall scheme of life. There's really nothing like a clean and fresh glass or two of the clear stuff to get your evening started, or tune up your appetite for the dinner that follows.

So...Here are a couple of white wines that I think you'll find to be very lurch:

Lindemans Bin 85 Pinot Grigio This Australian is described as having tropical fruit characters and guava notes. Now I'm a gourmand, not a gourmet, and I wouldn't know guava from guano. But here's what I do know: This is a really refreshing wine for just before a big honkin' meal! It has an unusual characteristic, insofar as there's a very slight but quite pleasant bitterness in the finish. It's almost a little herbaceous bite, and I find that it gets the digestive juices going and makes me hungry for some substantial food. Another thing I like about it is the total absence of frickin tree flavours! That's right...there's no oak, and it's nice to let the grapes speak for themselves for a change. My millions of regular readers know that your humble Deacon loves oak, but sometimes there's so much, it approaches the taste of plywood and this is a nice break from the lumberyard. The great thing is the price. This wine delivers value at only $11.25 which includes all usual fees the LCBastardO adds.

Next is another Lindemans wine that really grabbed me by the pouch! I'm talkin' about the Bin 95 Sauvignon Blanc! Now I know a lot of you peckers out there are martini freaks, because you're told by the media-moron glans heads who control your brain that you're supposed to like martinis, even though they taste like Ronson lighter fluid smells. Well break out of the mould, Jack! Be an individual and pour yourself a glass of this Sauvignon Blanc as a Deacon Dr. Fresh Martini Substitute. This vibey white gives a nice little electric jolt of energy that will get the conversation flowing in no time! Try it with some herbed chicken too, and make sure you drink it really cold to bring out the electrons...Once again, it's well worth the price. Just like the Pinot Grigio, it's great value: only $11.40, even after the LCBMafiaOsos have taken their cut.

So check one of them out! Or even better, buy them both. You'll thank me, just as I am thanking me.

More Aussie reviews coming soon...

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Backin' the boyz Down Under

The Deacon, the Distillery District, and Jack the Ripper!

2007-11-29T12:12:00.000-05:00

Transcript of the Sworn Testimony of one

Deacon Dr. Fresh AKA " The Deacon"

given at Toronto Police Service - 51 Division
11:58 PM, Wednesday November 28th, 2007

(Italics are the voice of Inspector Gregson of Homicide.)

Deacon Dr. Fresh's deposition begins:

I arrived at 55 Mill Street in the Distillery District at approximately 5:20 PM, by taxi. It was already dark, and damnably cold, and I began to search for Building 4, the location of Gibsone Jessop Gallery where the Foster's Wine Event was taking place. It was getting damp, and I pulled my Inverness cape tightly about me in defense against the wretched chill. Call it a premonition if you like, but I shivered as I opened the door of the hansom cab and then the driver made an odd comment just as I was climbing down to the kerb. He said "Perfect night for a murder."

He said that to you?

I think so. But I didn't hear him clearly as his horse neighed at that moment. I suppose he might have said "Step carefully sir". He was very colourful though.

Are you saying he was a black fellow?

No, he was just colourful. You know...dressed in festive harlequin clothing as one sees so much these days.

Is that when you found the body?

No. I began looking for the gallery where the wine tasting was to take place. It was very deserted though, and I felt like I'd stepped into the 1880's, the era of the Whitechapel murders. It was especially eerie in light of the driver's comment when I paid him the 8 shilling fare.

What did he say then?

Hard to be sure, really, what with the noise of the wind. It was either "Try not to get your jugular vein slit, governor!", or it might have just been "Good night sir!"

What occurred next? Is that when you found the corpse?

No inspector. It took me awhile to locate building 4 as I mentioned. It was really quiet though. Just the sound of the wind and the usual cackling call from the prostitutes that one typically encounters in the Distillery District at that hour.

So what happened next?

Well...I was just turning the corner of one of those restored liquor buildings, and then I saw it.

What specifically?

There on the ground, next to a few rubbish bins was a decrepit old slag dressed in cheap black lace - she looked like a street walker with all that makeup - and she was crumpled in a heap with her throat slit from ear to ear.

Was there any blood you could see?

Well that's the strange thing. With such an affront to the throat, one typically expects to see a lot of both bright arterial and darker venous blood. Also, I would expect some degree of post-mortem lividity, depending of course on how long the corpse has been lying there. But there was none. No evidence of blood anywhere near the body at all.

How do you explain this?

Well...I knelt down under the gas lamp for a better look. That's when I realized I was looking at a burlap sack full of bottles that had been left next to the dustbins. It must have fallen over. Then the absence of blood made complete sense.

I'm sure it did. So you didn't see any dead bodies yet?

Not yet, no. Instead I found the gallery and was glad to get inside. I felt like it was a real relief getting indoors and all.

Because you knew there was a murderer about?

No, it was just a lot warmer inside.

Who was there at the Gallery?

Rama Zuniga, the woman who sent me the invite from Foster's Wine Estates Canada...Beppi from the Globe and Mail...Also Dean Tudor and Michael Pinkus, the wine writers, who were seated at a table crowded with glasses half-full of red liquid.

Are you referring to drinking different blood types?

No. Just some Californian and Australian red wines.

Californian reds. I thought Foster's ran the event...They're supposed to be Australian...

They did run the event, and they are an Australian Company. But Foster's handles some good Californian wine, including Beringer, among others. I quite liked the '05 Stag's Leap Napa Valley Chardonnay...

Because of the Stag's mythical connection to the horned god of witchcraft?

No, not at all. It was just a nice wine...but as I was drinking the super-mellow '03 Stag's Leap Napa Valley Cab Sauv, the California Connection suddenly hit home...

What did you realize?

I looked around the brick walls and at the smiling servers, all doing their best to act so natural, and I realized that the Zodiac killer's reign of terror was in San Francisco...California. He was never caught, was he?

No. He wasn't.

That's what I thought. And when you add the fact that Jack the Ripper was never caught either, it all started to make a terrifying sense. Another reign of terror, or in this case a "reign of terroir" was about to take place.

Is that when the murder happened?

No, not yet. More of the attendees kept arriving, and I began sampling some more of the wines with Dean Tudor and Michael Pinkus, including "The Grange", Australia's most famous red wine. Then things got both strange and dangerous.

How specifically did things get dangerous?

Well...Pinkus swirls his wine a little too vigorously. Think of a combination of a blender, a cement mixer, and that Rotor ride at the CNE. He wobbles it while he swirls, and he doesn't look at the glass either, because he's too busy talking. I couldn't help thinking that someone was going to get wine all over them.

Red wine...like red...blood...

Yes. And when you factor in the way the earth will wobble when the Mayan calendar ends on December 21st 2012, it all gets so terrifyingly clear. I noticed too that the walls were made of rather old granite. I couldn't help but think how dangerous one of those blocks would be in the hands of a killer. You'd just have to rip one out of the wall, approach a victim quietly and use it to smash in his brain pan.

Indeed. What was Tudor doing at this point?

The same thing he always does: eating... really, really well. He has a knack for finding the best food. It's almost supernatural. I mean, he'll pick up a piece from a rack of lamb and through some legerdemain, he manages to get 2 of them, stuck together. It's uncanny how he does this...

Are you saying he's a high-ranking Satanist who has sold his soul to the devil in return for some sort of occultic gustatory dining power?

No. I think he's probably just got big hands. Plus he's been to a lot of these events and knows how they work.

What happened next?

Well...I recall sampling some beautiful Wolf Blass Platinum Label Shiraz that tasted like pepper and blueberry juice. It was quite delicious. Just then, a man with glasses who must have worked for the gallery, glared at Pinkus and gave him a really dark look.

Are you saying the man with glasses was a black man?

No. He was just angry. I think he thought Pinkus was going to splash wine on the artwork. Did you ever see that movie where the man goes insane in an art gallery and splatters blood all over the paintings?

The Remains of the Day?

No, I can't remember the name of the film. Anyway, this would have been just like that if Pinkus' glass had been filled with blood and he'd been swirling even harder and had managed to get past the staff and stand really close to the paintings. It struck me as being an incredible coincidence...

The film you're referring to...Were there lions in it that wandered away and then came back?

No...I think that was Born Free.

So what occurred next?

Well like I said, I was sipping this incredible Wolf Blass Platinum that probably goes for forty pounds a bottle, and I began to feel really dizzy. Everything began to spin and I saw Pinkus grinning at me through a shimmering miasma of purple and black.

So Michael Pinkus is a coloured chap?

No the miasma was purple and black. I remember thinking just before I lost consciousness that this was the end. I recognized the unmistakable symptoms. I'd been slipped laudanum and would be found in the alley with my own carotid severed, surrounded by Zodiacal symbols, written on the ground in chalk.

But you didn't die...

No. It turned out that I wasn't even blacking out. I'd just consumed a lot of wine and was feeling it a bit when we walked around the room. But then it happened...

What happened?

More and more people kept arriving and there were a lot of canapes circulating, and a huge amount of high-cholesterol cheese - brie and such - on the table. It suddenly struck me that in such a crowd, if the Ripper was present and was carrying one of the skewers from the tikka chicken and had dipped the tip in cyanide or ricin, he could easily mingle and stab people at his leisure. By the time we noticed people collapsing around us in agonizing death throes it would be too late and he'd get us all. At this point, I took to standing with my back to the wall to better defend against a ricin attack.

Is that when the murder happened? Did the killer use this moment to strike?

No. Although a very frightening thing happened just then. Pinkus had taken to swirling his wine even more violently and I suddenly noticed a man staring downward, but in Pinkus' direction. He was holding a Taser, getting ready to shoot him. I grabbed a metal tray from a waiter and thrust it between them to deflect the high-voltage darts.

But he must have missed Pinkus though, because he's unharmed.

Yes, he's actually fine. It turns out it wasn't a Taser at all. It was just an old-style cel phone and the man was staring at the keypad as he made a phonecall. He just happened to be facing Pinkus at the time.

So what happened then?

Well...it was getting a bit stuffy and so Pinkus and I decided to go for a beer and some food - you know; a sit down dinner. There'd been a lot of great appetizers and the event was a huge success, but it was just time to leave. On our way out, the organizers gave us each a black paper bag with some items in it. A sharp corkscrew, a Christmas CD, a small plastic penguin and a bottle of red wine. It was all very Gothic and terrifying. Especially the black bag. I kept thinking of charred bodies and dental records. Then I realized that all the attendees would get identical "gifts" and we'd have 60 drunken wine fanatics, wandering the Distillery District in the dark with miniature, symbolic black body bags containing razor-sharp corkscrews and plastic penguins. I had a really horrible feeling about the way the evening was headed.

What about Dean Tudor?

Well...he was still eating...a lot...but I thought he'd join us for dinner.

But he flatly refused?

Yes. I remember thinking how extraordinary it was that he'd eat continuously from 2 PM, but then wouldn't come out for dinner.

How did he seem? Frightened?

No, not frightened. More...preoccupied. Like he had another appointment...an appointment that he couldn't talk about...It was very odd.

What about Michael Pinkus?

He was all for dinner and really went out of his way to make Dean welcome. You know...we wanted him along. He's got a tremendous sense of humour. He can be quite dark!

Are you stating for the record that Dean Tudor is a black man?

No... He's white...I think he's related to the Kings of England...Henry the Eighth, I think...

Where did he go?

Well...The three of us headed out into the night...into the dark... As we made our way through the damp, cobbled streets, naturally I was on full alert. In the pocket of my Inverness, I cradled my Webley Break-Top revolver. If the Ripper and Zodiac were creeping about, I was going to go out in a blaze of glory. That's when the three of us, walking together through the cold wind, suddenly reached the crossroads.

Like Robert Johnson. The black chap who sold his soul to the devil to be able to play the blues?

No. Just the crossroads of Mill Street and Trinity. Then we found the Mill Street Brewery. Michael Pinkus said something about us being the three musketeers. I jokingly said something like: Yeah, Mickey, D'Artagnan, and Darth Vader. It seemed hilarious after all that wine.

What about Tudor?

That's when we separated ways. There was a sprinkle of snow in the air and a snowflake made my eye tear as Dean walked away into the darkness. I can still hear his feet clattering on the cobblestones. I never saw him again.

That's when he was murdered?

No...I expect he just went home on the streetcar. Lucky thing really, when you consider what a bloodbath it could have been.

Thank you for your testimony.

My pleasure, Inspector Gregson. Always glad to help the police.

Those Amazing Szabos...and more!

2007-11-28T11:49:00.000-05:00

Rejoice! Your Deacon has returned!

And on such an auspicious occasion (being yet another brilliant update) it is incumbent upon Yours Truly to begin this posting with a more traditional greeting aimed at the "usual shower" of gainsayers who complain about the use of argot:

Toss my caber!

...and so the wonderful madness begins...

As I write this, I'm listening to Emerson Lake and Palmer's Tarkus. How many of you are old enough to remember that one? I was looking through my enormous music collection for something appropriate and in lieu of Bela Bartok settled upon the current excellent choice. And in the usual celebration of AC/DC, which fills my every waking thought, I've added a picture of another celebrant, entirely appropriate for this posting.

How about those frickin' Szabos? Now I know I should have gotten this posting out sooner, but unlike most people in the wine industry, I actually have a job and life outside of wine, and it keeps me away from time to time. But "better nate than leather", right?

A few weeks back, your humble Deacon attended an absolutely amazing Hungarian Wine event, The Tokaj Renaissance at Chez Victor at the Hotel Le Germain. Now if you never get out of Keswick, you'll never get to highly lurch events at places as cool as this. (And if you are in Keswick, put the frickin' snowmobile away for 10 minutes and pay attention!) About 40 of us were lounging around and as the rain poured hypnotically outside, John and Zoltan, the brilliant (but unrelated) Szabo brothers taught us all about the wonderful whites of Hungary. It was really cool, as we hung out with some homeys from the Hungarian Consulate and sampled some excellent wine, including a Dry Furmint, that I really liked. John was entirely up to scratch of course, expounding effortlessly on all the nuances of Hungarian wine, with Zoltan throwing in his comments and translating everything into "Transylvanian". Think of Jim Morrison channelling Bela Lugosi, and you'll get the idea. One of the Powerpoint slides said the wine was bottled in March, although they'd used the French word. Naturally I jumped all over this and asked the mock serious question:

Don't you think the winery could save a lot of money by bottling it on earth instead of shipping it to Mars?

This resulted in the usual gales of hilariously appreciative laughter that always results when someone actually gets my comic genius.

The wines were all excellent and I learned interesting facts, for instance: Tokaj is the place and Tokaji is the wine made there. I took all my usual notes in my peculiar but useful combination of Koine Greek and Japanese to stop the peckers from reading over my shoulder and getting the jump on my thoughts. The only problem is, although I write both of those languages quite well, I can't actually read either of them, so all my notes are essentially useless after the fact.

As John and Zoltan continued their brilliant and often comedic tag team explication, I noticed a motion in my peripheral vision. It was my ace homeboy, Michael Pinkus, without whose presence, wine events are essentially devoid of hilariously obscene jokes. He had been attempting to get my attention by gesturing toward me in a fairly vulgar and vaguely Italian fashion, and with the pump thus primed, he was off and running...

Then the tables were cleared and moved aside and we began sloshing around in gorgeous whites, while the extremely attentive staff prepared to serve us lunch. Dean Tudor was there too, and we hooked up with Pinkus for lunch and the frivolity continued as we raved over the Szabos' presentation and the wines they'd selected for us. Naturally, chef David Chrystian's food was unbelievable! Berkshire Pork Terrine with Apricot Gel, Braised Lamb Shank "Paprikash" served with bell peppers, glazed pearl onions, stewed tomatoes and gnocchi....etc., etc., etc. The Deaconess feeds me well, but this was a meal fit for Vlad the Impaler! We ended with a 1999 Aszuesszencia, Pajzos (try and say that 3 times fast after a couple of 8 balls of crack!) This wine actually sells for 500 Euros for a 200 ml. bottle at the winery. I'm not making this up. It was the best sweet wine I've ever had. And at that price, it damn well better be! I ordered a couple of cases...I also want to mention the phenomenal work of Chez Victor's GM/Sommelier Mark Moffatt who's yet another frickin' star! Madame Germaine ought to give him and David Chrystian a raise, based on their sterling skills.

Kudos to the amazing Szabos for another entertaining and enlightening event. If you EVER get a chance to check out one of their wine seminars, DO IT! I'm serious when I say that nobody does it better. You'll have a blast and you'll learn a lot. Thanks John and Zoli. Your Deacon lubs you.

Now let's talk Christmas gifts...We've already had some of the white stuff, and it's snowed too! Hahaha I CRACK me up...

Here's the recommended 3 gifts for this year, and you can get them all at Chapters or Amazon.com.

Billy's Best Bottles Wines for 2008

If you haven't bought this yet, you're either an idiot or a complete bastard or both! Billy does a great job of making wine simple, approachable and a helluva lot of fun. You can shove this book in your back pocket and take it to the LCBO with you like I do. This year, all the photos are in colour too, making it real easy to find exactly what you're lookin' for. Food and wine pairings, touring the County, great Niagara wineries, it's all here. At the end of 2008 you throw it in the trash and get the newest volume. It's inexpensive and pays for itself on your first visit to the liquor store. I read it cover to cover in one sitting, it's that interesting. Buy it! You'll love it. You can get it directly from Billy and Kato at Billy's Best Bottles. There's a discount too, if you buy in bulk like I do. These books make great corporate gifts and stocking stuffers, but most of all, remember to buy one for yourself! You heard me...

Another excellent book that you'll love is The Definitive Canadian Wine and Cheese Cookbook. This is by Tony Aspler and Gurth Pretty. As the publishers say:

Distinctive cheeses, their sources and matchings. When a cheese connoisseur and an authority on wine pair up, beautiful things can happen. This is certainly the case in The Definitive Canadian Wine and Cheese Cookbook. Gurth Pretty is the author of The Definitive Guide to Canadian Artisanal and Fine Cheese, and Tony Aspler is an international wine consultant and the author of numerous books on wine. Together, these authorities have produced the essential guide to Canadian cheese uses.

Another thing that is screaming to be on your Christmas gift list is Chotzi Rosen's amazing wine game: Cork Jester's Wine Teasers. It's a great game for any size group and is easy to play. It'll teach you about wine too, if you're not against edjukashun. Chotzi's only gonna give you the real deal, so you can be sure this game rox! Build your own cellar while raiding the other player's bottles! It's designed so anyone can play it with a chance of winning, whether you're a brilliant wine genius like me, or just Robert Parker. Click on the link to get more info. I've already ordered it, because I want it in time for Christmas.

Tune in soon for my Australian Wine Update!

OK. I gots to split for a Fosters Wine Event in the Distillery District with the Deaconess.

Y'all stay lurch!

Deacon Dr. Fresh

Smarter than plants

The Contest Winners!!!

2007-11-15T15:48:00.001-05:00

Greetings Friends and Peckers!

The votes are in and the winners have their tickets by now. I'm speaking, of course, of my brilliant dinner party contest I ran back in October, the Grand Prize being a pair of tickets for the Gourmet Food and Wine Expo.

Here are our winners:

Derek Thorne, Helen Crowe, Rob Harvie, and Rob Lockhart.

Congratulations from the Deacon!

And for all of you who look like this Munch picture because you're so shocked you didn't win, here's an explanation: Although I received over 100 submissions to the contest, some of you received an immediate disqualification for having any of the following on your list:

Bono, Mariah Carey, Britney Speers, Paris Hilton, or Hitler.

All of the winning entries showed imagination and creativity, including such luminaries as Nimrod from the book of Genesis (Derek Thorne), Hildegard von Bingen (Rob Lockhart), Ezra Pound (Helen Crowe), and Marshal McLuhan (Rob Harvie).

Thanks to Kimberly Calderbank from the Gourmet Food and Wine Expo for providing the prizes!

Look for the next and very overdue issue "Those Amazing Szabos Again!".

It'll be out soon.

I'm flyin' out the door to the Expo VIP event as I speak...

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh

Better than Bob Barker

Contest Update!!! You can still win tickets!!!

2007-10-09T11:01:00.000-04:00

My my my! What a response!!!

Just when I figure that nobody actually reads my brilliance, the emails come pouring in. It seems all you have to do is offer a prize and the peckers and crackers come crawling out of the crax in the floorboards...

You should be ashamed of your avaricious selves.

But on the other hand...it is a great idea to give away a pair of tickets to the upcoming Gourmet Food and Wine Expo by forcing people to actually evaluate what's important to them. So...to prime the pump I've added the Deaconess' list to this blog. She's not eligible to win, but we've been given tickets already because we're in the sacred circle of wine.

For those of you who are unaware of the Deaconess' genius, here's her ideal dinner guest list:

Leo Tolstoy

John Lennon

Seth MacFarlane

Francis Schaeffer

Ambrose Bierce

Coco Chanel

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Dorothy Parker

Henry David Thoreau

Margaret Atwood

So let's hear from the rest of you. Send me the 10 people you'd most like to invite for a fancy dinner replete with the lost art of conversation, great food and great wine. I'll be judging the results when the flood turns to a trickle.

deaconfresh@rogers.com
You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Sparking new neural connexions and upping the IQ of the planet...

Win Tickets to the 2007 Gourmet Food and Wine Expo!

2007-10-08T16:28:00.000-04:00

Hello Children of the Grape and adherents of the cathode-ray tube religion...

Welcome to yet another brilliant blog experience, designed to educate and stimulate your overly medicated brains...(temporarily) breaking the consensus trance you live in...your face pressed to the television screen...obediently asking your doctor for the medications you just saw advertised on CNN...no longer helplessly hoping...for something real and with authentic content...and as you sleep...your life passes quickly and without meaning...and the deathbed beckons you to...watch television...have children...go into debt...consume...run yourself into the ground...and you play your role...and do exactly what you're told...because the dollar's strong...and the rules are different now...and it's time for a flu shot...and your brain is atrophying...

But you don't care...because you have a 54 inch screen...and a new credit card...and CSI is on tonight...and all is well with the illusory world...and it's so much better to sleep than think...is it not?..................Wake up...

NOW!

...on a lighter note, your humble Deacon has an online contest for y'all! As you can see from the title of this issue, the 2007 Gourmet Food and Wine Expo is nearly here again! This is certainly cause to rejoice! If you've never attended this prestigious 4 day event, I urge you to click on the link and find out all about it. And better than that, you can win a pair of tickets to this fun-fest by dropping me an email. Here's the contest rules:

Send me your ideal list of 10 guests for the fantasy dinner party of your dreams. I want to know who you'd throw together around a gourmet meal for an intriguing evening of the lost art of conversation. (That's when people turn off the idiot box and actually talk to each other about politics, religion, culture, literature, art, history, philosophy, etc.) Here's my list in no particular order, to get you started:

Samuel Johnson

Garry Kasparov

Glenn Gould

Nikola Tesla

Martin Luther King

Peter Cooke

Allen Ginsberg

Marilyn Vos Savant

Virginia Woolf

Leonard Cohen

Let me know who you'd invite. Note that Bono on a list will lead to an immediate disqualification. I'll let you know who the winners are...

Deacon Dr. Fresh

Helping you remember what your brain's for...

Little Penguins, the Szabos and Brazilian Wax!

2007-09-22T13:09:00.001-04:00

Yo Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas! You've only got 3 months left so get out there and get shopping! The effing snow's on the way!

Your Deacon is alive and well and the charming fellow in the picture was my beloved bodyguard and companion, 70 lbs. of fearless Bullterrier power: Lockjaw. He's been deceased for 10 years now, and sleeps in an urn under my bed, awaiting the resurrection and restitution of all things! What a wonderful dog he was. The perfect combination of friendly and violent, just like your humble Deacon. Imagine the pups he could have produced if he'd hooked up with Pinot the Wonder Dog, Tony Aspler's beloved Wheaton Terrier...

Weird...

Greetings friends and hoze and the usual "Polish My Glans", etc., etc. to everyone else!

Lots has happened and I'm gonna bring you up to amphetamine speed on all of it!

First of all the Little Penguin...

A couple of weeks back, a very nice lady sent me a couple of bottles of South Eastern Australian Little Penguin. Now you gotta understand, your Deacon is a huge star and gets gallons of wine shipped to him all the time. In addition, I had tried some Little Penguin before and was not especially impressed as the one I sampled had no finish and was pretty limp in the mouth. It was a white, but beyond that was unmemorable. So I approached this bottle with some trepidation but noticed they'd sent me a 40% Riesling / 60% Chardonnay blend, something I'd never tried before. I was a bit irritated though, because it was a tiny half-size plastic bottle and your humble Deacon doesn't like it when suppliers scrimp on the quantity. In its favour though, it was a screw cap and to my amazement, upon further examination, I realized this pint sized bottle held a full bottle's worth of the good stuff! It was kind of like an optical illusion! It looked like a half bottle, but held 750 ml, which is a really good thing. We were having a couple of dynamite white pizzas from Magic Oven (Tandoori Chicken and White Magic) so we invited DJ Flames Fishboy over and cracked open the Little Penguin which turned out to be a surprisingly huge hit! Well it was so refreshingly good, we actually guzzled it. It was a really nice balance of clean citrusy stainless steel refreshment and round peachiness. It was perfect with the pizza, and the Deaconess guzzled hers so fast she had to go lie down. Fishboy loved it too, and you can buy it at your local LCBO for only $9.95 which includes the deposit on the tiny eco-friendly, recyclable plastic bottle. In fact it was so good, I now favour plastic over tetrapacks! Grab a few bottles for fall picnics or visits to friends' houses. They'll love you for it. More to come on the Penguin. I'll be writing up the Cab - Merlot soon, so stay tuned... Thanks to Foster's Wine Estates for the samples! Keep sending them and I'll keep reviewing them. You heard me.

Last week I had occasion to check out a Brazilian Wine Event at Harbour Castle, which is half a block from the Black Freighter's mooring next to Captain John's Seafood Restaurant. It was a gorgeous day, and I drank about a gallon of Kenyan coffee out on the deck in the sun while Adam and Pep practiced neck-cranks and bag-rips on a judo-mat that they'd spread out near the helicopter pad. Then once the caffeine kicked in, I wandered over to the event, still dressed in my purple velour housecoat. (Sometimes you gotta arrive in style and do the Hugh Hefner thing.) The usual suspects were there, including Tony Aspler, Dean Tudor, Beppi Crosariol, Sadie Darby and Michael Pinkus. We were all up in the 33rd floor for the special media preview, before they let the crackers and mofos from the general public in. I sat with Pinkus and as usual we were the bad boys of the class. The Brazilians were really nice, and I am not even going to mention the one young woman's exceptional breasts, or how Pinkus was able to brilliantly steer the topic to Brazilian waxing, no matter what was actually being discussed. That's why I hang out with him. The guy's frickin' hilarious! He told me quite seriously, how much he loves ribs. He'll even eat them with Riesling. In fact, he'll eat ribs with anything, which naturally led to the topic of Brazilian waxing again. And then, just as I was sipping a Mioranza Cabernet Sauvignon 2005 (about $15.00) and commenting on how much I liked it, I noticed a small plane flying at the window. It looked really Al Qaeda-ish and it wasn't inconceivable that Osama Bin Laden would attack such an august gathering and single handedly destroy the Brazilian and Canadian wine industries. Well Osama must have thought better though, because he landed at Toronto Island instead and emerged from the Cessna in the guise of a Canadian businessman. What a bastard, eh? We stopped worrying and started drinking in earnest; the wines getting support fire from the excellent authentic Brazilian foods of Caju Restaurant of 922 Queen West. My favourite wine of the day was a Don Laurindo Gran Reserva 2002 Cabernet Sauvignon. It was kind of chewy, like a more lurch and expensive Gray Fox. If I heard right, it goes for over a hundred bux a bottle, which leaves me out in the chill unless someone wants to donate a case or two to the Deacon for humanitarian reasons.

There's too much to write about here, but I will say this: Watch out for Brazil in the next few years. We tried some really nice wines and I fully expect them to rise up alongside of Argentina and Chile in the near future. It was a great event and really well organized. The only thing was, there was a stack of these cool Brazil wine shopping bags we were all looking at, but nobody would take them because we thought they were decorative. Too bad. The Deaconess would have liked one.

Which brings me to the Hungarian Mafia once again: John and Zoltan Szabo... Quite a while back, John sent me a beautiful full-colour book that he'd co-authored with Dinah Koo and Janice Poon, John providing the wine notes. The book's called The Cocktail Chef with the subtitle "Entertaining in Style". They aren't kidding either! This is a fantastic book for anyone who wants to serve their friends and family in a totally impressive manner. From tiny sandwiches and shrimp-stuffed eggs, to home-made marshmallows and picnics on your porch, this is a joy to read. I loved the info on making oyster shooters and how to get rid of fruit flies - the nasty little peckers! John Szabo's brilliant wine hints run throughout and I'm giving this lurch and practical book 5 frickin' starz! You heard me! 5 frickin' starz! It really is an all-in-one book for becoming the most popular host around. Order it online from Chapters/Indigo. It will make a great and inexpensive gift for a friend or family member. Then you can get them to make the recipes for you. Remember: Christmas is looming. Order it now...Your Deacon never lies and is always right.

A few days back, your humble Deacon and the Deaconess attended a Zoltan Szabo event at Halleluia Restaurant at 870 Eglinton West at Bathurst. What a blast we had! All inclusive wine and food event with all the lamb, beef, chicken, shishkababs, veggies and rice you can eat! This is a totally lurch Mediterranean style restaurant and Uzbekistani owner, Boris, was cookin' it all up personally. Zoltan was up and down like a crazy monkey, pouring wine and regaling the guests with fascinating stories of his recent travels to Shanghai. Now you've got to realize that I'm a Type A blood guy. That means I have the lowest stomach acid of any blood group, unlike the Deaconess who is Type O, the highest. I quickly got meat-gorged and had to leap up from the table and run away from the waitress to avoid being fed even more delicious New York steak, barbecued chicken or roast lamb. At one point I actually threatened her with my steak knife telling her that I'd kill her if she gave me any more food! Please check this place out! The food was truly wonderful and the service was great too. I know the Brazilians have those meat restaurants where they stuff you with animal protein for a couple of hours, but I think Boris and the Uzbekis would give those waxers a good shellacking! Thanks Zoltan for the invite! And thank you Boris for having us along. Check out their website by clicking here. Let's give these people some support! We need more Mediterranean foods, and in my case: more digestive enzymes too.

Well homeys and DIX, that's all for today. Buy the book and book the restaurant. You'll thank me. Just as I am thanking me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh

Back online and providing a much needed service...

Deacon Summer Update!

2007-08-09T17:03:00.000-04:00

Swab the deck and weigh anchor!

Greetings fanz and frenz and all you new arrivals who are checkin' out the Deacon! Welcome aboard the Black Freighter. And if you're on deck for the first time, here's all you need to know...All underlined words can be clicked on for further information, such as my parallel publikashun, Wine for Dix. And if you still have trouble understandin' your humble Deacon, remember to check out my online dictionary if you need help with terms like lurch, jank or Boppin' in the Beater! So here we go with the latest issue...but first of all, the mandatory greeting to all you SUV polishin', latte drinkin', I-phone cravin', carbon credit exchangin', termite infested DIX who keep comin' back for more but never quite get what I'm talkin' about!

Avast crackerpeckers! You're welcome aboard too! Grab a glass of grog and find a comfortable perch in the rigging...

So here we go with a really lurch update on the Deacon's activities...What a summer it's been so far! Last weekend, your humble Deacon roared in the Rolls down to Boston Ontario for the wedding of Colio's Marketingmaster, Doug "Beater Bopper" Beatty. Me and the Deaconess hung out with the Asplers in the back corner away from the papparazzi and got through about a case of winemaker Carlo Negri's totally kool red stuff. We wanted to give our homeboy Doug and his lovely bride Patti something special, so we took them several bottles of bubbly with a Stephan Moccio cd in a box stuffed with dozens of hundred dollar bills, and left it in Doug's garage with a nice man who said he'd "take care of it". The Beattys had a huge frickin' tent, tons of barbecued shishkababs and rice and actually fed about 180 people; a key indicator that Colio should consider cuttin' Doug's paycheck in half, 'cause he's clearly makin' way too much coin! Congrats to the Beattys! You're a great couple, and both rock with a capital R!

A couple of weeks ago, the Deaconess and I decided to check out Prince Edward County again. I'd been advised by Billy Munnelly (your humble Deacon's mentor) to stay at Huff Estates, where they have amazing accommodation, and also, believe it or not: a helipad. Well, this I could not resist! So on Thursday morning, we launched the Black Freighter from its berth at Queen's Quay and headed east to Belleville. The west wind bristled in the black canvas sails, and with Adam "the Sadist" Sutherland at the tiller, we arrived in about 5 hours. (I'd always rather take the ship than drive. Traffic's terrible these days and there's nothing worse than being held up for hours only to finally see flashing red lights of an accident and some inconsiderate bloody fool, lounging in a stretcher blocking the road.) Well anyway, the Deaconess and I grabbed our Louis Vuitton luggage, and clambored onto my leased black AH-64A Apache attack helicopter on the foredeck and roared over Picton at 250 knots. The GPS locked onto the satellites and brought us to rest at Huff. Now I gotta be brief, but I'll tell y'all this: Huff is off the frickin' scale if you want a great place to stay. The rooms are wonderful and the breakfast was as stellar as Stratus Cab Franc! We hooked up with the Munnellys and got a personal tour of Huff winery with Burgundian winemaker Frederic Picard (no relation to that bald cracker from Star Trek) as the mofos and peckers watched in undisguised envy. Frederic is another one of Ontario's amazing imported winemakers, and like Colio's Maestro Carlo Negri of Italy, Stratus' resident French genius, J.L. Groulx, and Creekside's Australian Wizard, Craig McDonald, they got a premium first round draft pick! I'll just say that you've got to watch out for Huff. They're gonna shine in the near future, what with their killer wines, first rate rooms and a helipad too!

We hung out with the Munnellys for a couple of days, and Kato cooked us a spectacular dinner at their perfect cozy home near East Lake, which has the best view in Prince Edward County - all sweeping rushes and grasses and herds of wildebeasts in the valley below. Billy brought the wine out, about 16 bottles if I recall, which he added to the 4 that I'd provided. I really enjoyed Billy's method of cooking sausages, and I quote:

"You put the barbecue on full and throw the sausages on. Then you go and drink some wine and get talking. About half an hour later you say "Oh shit!" and run back to remove them from the 12,000 degree flames." Anyway, it seemed to work well.

There's way too much to talk about for now...My visit to Creekside to sample their absolutely lurch '04 Shiraz...a fabulous dinner at Stone Road Grill, where Perry and Jesse treated the Deaconess and I like royalty and introduced us to Charlie Pillitteri; a very classy guy...Uber-chef Michael Pataran's split to Paradise Island (we'll miss you, Bro!)...my super-lurch dinner and Peninsula Ridge wine at Allens a few days back...Life is good, crackers!

If you're new to the Deacon, make sure you browse through some of my brilliant back issues, such as: My interview with Lurch and Luscious Jennifer Rosen...What wine goes with AC/DC?...The Deacon dines with Bond and Castro...The Deacon meets a dead rocker...and Roving reporter Rozeen spooked at Glendale Hilton! You can click on any underlined link and it'll take to to the goods, Jack!

Well...I gots to run. I'm presentin' at Taste of the Danforth tonight: Canada vs. Greece, with the Mighty Aphrodite of wine herself, Doris Miculan Bradley. Don't you frickin' wish you were me?

Your Deacon lubs you! You can always write to the Deacon at deaconfresh@rogers.com

I always respond. Even if it's just to say bite me crank!

Deacon Dr. Fresh

Livin' the European lifestyle in Scarlem...

The Deacon Interviews Stephan Moccio!

2007-07-09T14:10:00.001-04:00

Good day everyone. It's a great joy to be here, and for once, I've decided to step out of character, and forego the arcane Deaconic argot in favour of the English language.
A couple of months ago I heard a snippet of rather compelling solo piano music on CFMX, and although I did not catch the performer's name, I did hear that his recording was available at L'atelier Grigorian, my favourite record shop, nestled amidst the upscale boutiques of Yorkville. I made a mental note to check it out, and forgot about it for a few weeks. Then I happened to be in Oakville and remembered there was a L'atelier Grigorian there too. I explained that I was looking for this pensive and beautiful piano music that I'd heard on CFMX. The only other information I was able to provide, was that the pianist was male and Canadian. The musicologist smiled and said he knew exactly what I was looking for, and digging through the racks of CDs, produced a copy of Exposure by Stephan Moccio.
As soon as I put it on in the car, I knew I had found something I'd been searching for. For at least 15 years, I had longed for a solo piano recording that was deep, quiet, and beautifully haunting in its emotional depth. In my quest, I'd listened to Keith Jarrett and Vladimir Ashkenazy, among others, always seeking that "book on a rainy day" kind of recording, but never quite finding it. For a long time, the closest I got was Philip Glass playing his beautiful soundtrack for The Hours. Then I discovered Alain Lefevre playing his Homage a Andre Mathieu (Canada's Mozart) and that served me well for a while. But in Stephan Moccio's music, nothing was missing for me. It was all there, from the beautiful simplicity of these gorgeous miniatures, to the consistent melancholy theme running through the entire disc. There was never a sudden upbeat shift that distracted from the overall mood.
I became obsessed with the recording and told everyone I could about it. Those who listened to it, invariably loved it. I played it again and again and again, and never tired of it. It was the perfect music to get lost in on a quiet evening, or as the background to great conversation or a fabulous dinner.
I contacted a good friend by the name of Wayne Ferguson. Wayne is a virtuoso piano tuner and has been profiled on Bravo TV's Arts and Minds. If anyone knew more about Stephan Moccio, it would be Wayne, so I emailed him and asked if he'd heard of this young Canadian prodigy. Wayne emailed back and directed me to the liner notes of the CD. Not only did Wayne know Stephan, he tuned for him. And then, through a remarkable series of events and synchronicities, last week I found myself in a studio in downtown Toronto, interviewing Stephan Moccio.
"It's melancholic, but there's hope there" he explained, describing his music and articulating the way it struck the chords of the human heart.
As the conversation progressed, Stephan jumped up from time to time and illustrated a musical point on his gleaming black concert grand piano that dominated the ultra-modern recording studio, and that Yamaha had built especially for him. I was the only audience member, and remember thinking: When this man's a superstar, nobody's going to believe this...
Stephan’s musical life began with piano lessons at the age of 4. After an award-winning career through adolescence, he went on to complete an honours degree in composition and piano performance at the University of Western Ontario. He was offered a scholarship to the famed Berklee College of Music in Boston, but instead chose to focus on developing his professional career, signing a publishing deal with Sony/ATV Music Publishing at the age of 22. As a composer, he wrote for such luminaries as Sarah Brightman, Celine Dion, Hayley Westenra, Randy Bachman, The Philosopher Kings, and Olivia Newton John. But Exposure is something he's written for himself. In these beautiful and subtle piano compositions, Stephan brings his classical and pop background together and we're the ones who benefit.
Moccio is an easy interview. He's stylish and expressive, and his passion for music is never far from the surface. The energy in the room was at a high level, and we constantly interrupted each other in our collective zeal for great music and great wine. I threw out names and random pieces of information to get his response...
Glenn Gould...
Stephan: I GET Glenn Gould! Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! Glenn did it his way. I've read at least 6 of his biographies and loved them. Especially the one by his psychotherapist. You must read that one...
Favourite Conductor...
Stephan: Leonard Bernstein, without a doubt. Lenny was a Renaissance man, a complete man. He could do it all. He's a fascinating person. In fact... (reaching for a DVD) you can borrow this. You'll love it.
Who else fascinates you?
Oh wow...there are so many...I love Jim Morrison...Edith Piaf...so many...
I comment that it's funny to hear the Lizard King and the Little Sparrow mentioned in the same sentence.
Yeah...they're both buried in the same cemetery too! Pere-Lachaise in Paris. I stood there at age 13. It was a very interesting emotional experience.
Our conversation progresses to Michelangelo, Oscar Wylde, Existentialism, the Beat Poets, and of course, wine. (Stephan is a huge fan of big reds; the Cabernets, Barolos, etc. Listen to "Red" from his CD with a glass of Cabernet Franc in hand.) We keep returning to the CD and its beautiful, effortless flow. It carries one along like a sequence of subway stops; the urban and urbane feel is echoed in the liner notes which Stephan wrote. We talk about synesthesia, the overlap of the senses.
Do you see music?
Oh God yes! For me, piano is a complete sensory experience. For me every key is a different colour. For me, the year 1972 is a very brown, yellow, green colour that corresponds to the D minor chord...
We wrapped up the interview that began with a snippet of haunting piano music on the radio, a few months earlier. Stephan tells me to be sure to "Go to Tuscany. I'm French and Italian. Trust me. You must go to Tuscany."
I walk to my car and put on Exposure yet again. The music of composer and pianist Stephan Moccio fills the car with effortless, seemless depth.
Buy this beautiful, soul enriching CD.
Better yet, buy several of them. It's a gift you can give to anyone.
Deacon Dr. Fresh
Listening to far more than just AC/DC

The Deacon's fave Restaurants on the Road!

2007-06-30T11:11:00.000-04:00

Greetings food and wine lovers everywhere!

Rejoice! The Deacon is in the frickin' house!

Today we be rappin' 'bout food but let's get this out of the way first:

A special "Hail-fellow-well-met" to all of you chainsaw wieldin', deer shootin', jet-ski ridin', ATV drivin', wilderness destroyin', blank-faced DIX who continue to piss me off royally!

Bite my fishing rod!

Ok. The pleasantries are out of the way, so let's get reviewin' a couple of restaurants for y'all...

First of all, I'm takin' you to Stratford Ontario, arguably the home of the greatest annual Shakespearean festival outside of England (Which is where Shakespeare was born, for all you readers in Keswick!) Well, the Deaconess and your humble Deacon made the yearly pilgrimage to the town of Stratford, this time to see the ever brilliant Brian Bedford as King Lear. Now this is a tragedy, which means you don't laugh a hell of a lot, but do get to see people get dissed and blinded and there's a lot of innocent death and pointless destruction that leaves you wantin' to get back to Scarlem where things are more calm and the violence is at least predictable. King Lear is a frickin' nut bar and Bedford plays him superbly; so well in fact that I started to believe Bedford had actually gone nutz and I was this close to jumpin' on stage and shakin' some sense into the cracker! Well we knew it would be heavy, so we axed your Deacon's mentor, Billy Munnelly, where to go eat, because Billy used to be a restaurateur (yes, that's spelled correctly) and he used to live in Stratford too. So Billy directs us to a very lurch establishment called Down the Street. Surprisingly, when we went to look for it, it was actually down the street too! Amazing how these labels sometimes trigger synchronicity. That's why I never eat in a restaurant called The Vomit Bucket or The Outhouse. If syncronicity kicks in, you're royally screwed.

Now this is a really lurch little place. We made sure we had reservations, because we wanted to eat early enough to make it to King Lear without being rushed and the place fills up at showtime. The owner, the lovely Susan Dunfield gave us a great table and made us feel really at home, all because we knew Billy, although I suspect everyone gets treated real well. We opted for calamari fritos with chipotle lime mayonaisse, and the tempura shrimp cocktail with a mango salsa, both of which were to die for, especially with the Cave Spring Riesling I ordered. I followed with the oven roasted chicken breast (perfectly cooked) and the Deaconess had the special, which I can't really remember, other than it involved shrimp and scallops and was also highly lurch! I had followed the Cave Spring Riesling with a buttery chardonnay that seems to have dropped through the crax in my memory... You gotta check this place out! The service was excellent and the wait staff were attentive and very personable too. I'd eat there anytime, and plan to make it a regular part of my yearly Stratford excursion. Tell them Billy AND the Deacon sent you...

The next place I wanna tug on your coat-tails about, is Mad Michael's, seen in the above picture. Now don't worry. The synchronicity doesn't kick in here. You're not gonna be enjoyin' your lunch and suddenly notice the chef runnin' at you with a machete. Michael White is a highly lurch dude who's done it all. He's managed rock bands and acted as a booking agent for a lot of acts I could tell you about. But now he's up in Wyebridge Ontario smokin' what may be the best frickin' ribs you'll ever eat! You won't believe this place. Mad Michael's is an historic property that goes back to the 1800's, and it's right next door to Group of Seven artist, Frank Johnston's historic house. What makes Mad Michael's so lurch is they make everything from scratch, including the barbecue sauce, breads, cakes, pies, and even the mustard! Where the hell do they find the time? I can just about manage to make coffee and ignite the propane barbecue...Michael has an outdoor tree-house kitchen where he can smoke 800 lbs. of meat at once. The result is beef and pork that fall off the bone, but without a hint of dryness. You can also shop around for artisan goods and explore their full-size teepee, also built from scratch, on the bank of the Wye River. I love this place and you will too! They aren't licenced yet, but their application is in process and I'm hoping to design the first Deacon Wine List in Ontario!

If you're up in the Orr Lake / Midland area, go visit Michael and Kay White. Tell them the Deacon sent you.

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh

Always lookin' for and supportin' kwality...

The Deacon Tours New Zealand!

2007-05-18T14:27:00.001-04:00

Greetings Homeys, Crackahs and Peckahs!

Wassup? to my Pirate Crue...

and a special hello goes out to all you Deacon detractin', yellow tailed, bag scratchin', Cruex sprayin', Blue Tooth Star Trek "look at me! I'm on the phone!" flashing earpiece wearin', missers of the whole frickin' point, who keep on comin' back for more...

In the words of Gandalf Stormcrow:

Bite my staff!

Now let's get right into this...

Today we're talkin' about New Zealand wine, because yesterday, your humble Deacon got an eksklusive invite to the New Zealand Awesome Aromatics Trade Seminar at the Design Exchange. Now this was by invitation only, which is why I didn't see most of my loyal readers in attendance. Since I was given a special media pass, I made a point of hangin' with two of my homeys, Michael Pinkus and Dean Tudor. We were clearly the bad boyz of the room and Pinkus kept your humble Deacon entertained with his inane but hilarious comments. Dean did a really cool thing and I realize how much I have to learn about the wine industry. At the end of the seminar, we all jumped to grab the sandwiches that were totally lurch. We each grabbed only one, as we were told there wouldn't be more than one per person. Well Dean's an old hand at this, and while Pinkus and I elbowed the elderly out of our way, Dean hung out in the background and took nothing. He waited until the platters were refilled (something that apparently always happens) and then loaded up while the rest of us were still quietly eating our single sandwich, trying to make it last. The guy's a frickin' genius! When Pinkus and I headed downstairs after the seminar, Dean was refilling again and was probably eating well into the night. The seminar was conducted by David Lawrason, who did a totally lurch job. He explained that vitis vinifera grapes grow between 30 degrees and 50 degrees of latitude. New Zealand has the advantage that both their frickin' islands fit neatly into this 20 degree space, which means they can grow grapes anywhere. The dude knows his stuff and has no attitude at all. At one point he asked if anyone had any comments about a particular Riesling and your Deacon raised his hand. I said it smelled like warm petrol, like someone had opened the hood of a tank from a Panzer Division, which is what Riesling is supposed to smell like. He seemed rather uncomfortable with this, which I thought was a funny way to treat a line of such comedic brilliance.

So... we got to sample some really lurch New Zealand whites, including 3 Riesling, 3 Pinot Gris and 3 Gewurtztraminer. Now if I'd been running things, I'd have gotten the Pinot Gris out of the way first. To me, it's always a kind of nothing grape. I'm not sayin' it sux or anything, but it's just not that interesting, no matter how well it's vinified (which means "turned into wine" to you peckercrackers in Keswick). It's sort of like Snora Jones' music. Inoffensive, but so frickin' what? When did inoffensive become a positive descriptor?

Anyway...

Now your Deacon has waxed poetic on NZ Sauvignon Blanc for ages. I think the kiwis in general and the good folks in Marlborough make arguably the best SB on the planet. Anyone who thinks otherwise needs to have his cranium examined or is on someone's payroll...Well I gots to tell you, the NZ Rieslings and Gewurtztraminers were also highly lurch! There's one wine I want to draw your attention to, which is Spy Valley Gewurtztraminer 2006! Woo hoo hoo hoo! This one's lurch with a capital L! This Marlborough wine is only $20.95 and will be at Vintages on May 26th. (Stock number 032870) This wine has everything. Put it with Thai Red Curry and give it 15 minutes out of the fridge to open up and then thank me! Otherwise, try it with stuffed pork or teriyaki salmon. If you don't like it, I recommend you stand with the bottle in front of a full length mirror and ask your reflection why you're a dick! There are only 100 cases coming into the province and I think Zoltan's ordered 99 of them, so grab this suckah!

After the seminar we headed downstairs to the huge New Zealand Wine Fair. There were 55 presenters here, and each one was showcasing between 2 and 6 wines! Do the frickin' math and then write and tell me how much you wish you were the Deacon...

Here's another phenom wine you gots to try: Mount Riley Savee Sparkling Sauvignon Blanc 2006, Marlborough (# 032326) This will rock your frickin' world! Bob Campbell, New Zealand's only Master of Wine wrote about this wine in 2004 and called it "A supercharged Sauvignon Blanc". Here you have an SB that's made in the traditional Champagne method and taken off the lees really early to avoid too much yeasty flavour. This is a delicious and refreshing sparkling and only $22.95, again at Vintages on Saturday May 26th. Sparkling SB is very rare, so don't miss this opportunity to try a really interesting bubbly.

If you don't understand or think you don't like Sauvignon Blanc, I recommend you start with a good reliable one: Coopers Creek, Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc at only $16.95 (#957407) This is a Vintages Essentials. Drink it really cold in a martini glass for the full effect. It's a great aperitif and will wake up your tastebuds before a big honkin' meal. Otherwise, serve it with herbed chicken and asparagus to experience the perfect food match.

I also really liked the extreme cherry flavours of Waitiri Creek Pinot Noir Central Otago 2005, although at $43.00 I found it pricey, although it is my fave Pinot from NZ to date. I've said for a year or more that New Zealand's Pinot Noir has been inconsistent and I still say it. It's a problematic grape to grow; think of Edgar Allen Poe, naked and drunk and on acid and you're trying to get him to catch eels against his will in a force 5 hurricane, and you get the idea. To my mind, it costs so much to produce this wine that you're better off with the Ontario variant. Coyote's Run and Flat Rock Cellars do an impressive job with Pinot, and so does Fielding Estates, providing real value with a VQA wine. But if you must have imported, and don't want to support Burgundy, New Zealand's coming along nicely.

As I wandered the room, pressing the flesh and checkin' out the samples, I ran into my homeys, Jono "Saskatchewan Brain Boy" Kuhling and Zoltan "Jak sie macz" Szabo. We hung out for a while and shared a few war stories. At 4 PM we split.

Kudos to the organizers. This was a really nicely presented, totally lurch event.

Your Deacon loves you.

Coming soon: Another book review and an interview with Canadian piano genius Stephan Moccio.

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Supportin' the kiwis and other kool birds

Final Results for Ontario Wine Awards 2007!

2007-05-03T19:59:00.000-04:00

Yo Peckers!

Avast!

Yes, you frickin' heard me...

I got here the wines that took the most prisoners at the 2007 Ontario Wine Awards!

First I gots to thank Forefront Communications Network, who put the whole damn thing together!

They worked like frickin' scurvy-ridden galley slaves on this event, right up until the last minute and deserve a big round of applause.

Now having said that...

So many of you Saltines have written or phoned your humble Deacon, axin' me who the winners were / are, that I'm just gonna list them all for you here:

2007 Ontario Wine Awards – Final Results

Evian Sparkling Wine Award (2 Golds, no typo!)
Gold: Thirteenth Street Winery 2002 Premier Cuvée
Gold: Hillebrand Estates NV Trius Brut
Bronze: Peller Estates NV AP Signature Series Ice Cuvée

Crush Wine Bar & Restaurant Dry Riesling Award
Gold: Calamus Estate 2005 Riesling
Silver: Flat Rock Cellars 2006 Nadja's Vineyard Riesling
Bronze: Château des Charmes 2005 Riesling
Bronze: Château des Charmes 2005 Riesling, Estate Bottled

680News Off-Dry Riesling Award
Gold: Hillebrand Estates 2005 Trius Riesling Dry
Silver: Vineland Estates 2005 Riesling Reserve
Bronze: Angels Gate Winery 2006 Riesling Sussreserve

Forefront Communications Dry White Varietal Award
Gold: Reif Estate 2006 Chenin Blanc
Silver: Peninsula Ridge Estates 2002 Equinox
Bronze: Flat Rock Cellars 2006 Twisted

Mike Mandel Best Rock Band Award
Gold: AC/DC
Silver: Black Sabbath
Bronze: Led Zeppelin

LCBO Gewurztraminer Award
Gold: Fielding Estate 2006 Gewurztraminer Reserve
Silver: Ridgepoint Wines 2006 Gewurztraminer
Bronze: Pointer's Hill Estates 2006 Bench Boss Gewurztraminer

Wine Access Pinot Gris Award
Gold: Calamus Estate 2006 Pinot Gris
Silver: Coyote's Run Estate 2006 Pinot Gris
Bronze: Pointer's Hill Estates 2006 Bench Boss Pinot Gris

Imported Ontario Ice Wine Award
Gold: Shanghai
Silver: Beijing
Bronze: Hunan

The Wine Establishment Sauvignon Blanc/Semillon Award
Gold: Peninsula Ridge Estates 2005 Fumé Blanc
Silver: Vineland Estates 2005 Sauvignon Blanc Rosomel Vineyard
Bronze: Château des Charmes 2006 Sauvignon Blanc, St. David's Bench Vineyard

The Distillery Historic District Oaked Chardonnay Award ~ Under $20
Gold: Peller Estates 2004 Private Reserve Chardonnay
Silver: Mountain Road 2003 BF Chardonnay
Bronze: Creekside Estate 2005 Reserve Chardonnay, Butler's Grant Vineyard

Niagara Grape & Wine Festival Oaked Chardonnay Award ~ Over $20
Gold: Mountain Road 2003 Reserve Chardonnay
Silver: Flat Rock Cellars 2005 The Rusty Shed Chardonnay
Bronze: Inniskillin 2004 Founders' Reserve Chardonnay

Niagara-on-the-Lake Chamber of Commerce Unoaked Chardonnay Award
Gold: Angels Gate Winery 2005 Chardonnay
Silver: Willow Heights Estate 2005 Unoaked Chardonnay
Bronze: Tawse Winery 2006 Chardonnay Musqué

Rosé/Blanc de Noir Award (Yes, 2 Silvers!)
Silver: Fielding Estate 2006 Rosé
Silver: Henry of Pelham Family Estate 2006 Dry Rosé
Bronze: Creekside Estate 2006 Cabernet Rosé

Curiosk Marketing Solutions Inc. Gamay Award
Gold: Thirteenth Street Winery 2005 Gamay Noir Reserve
Silver: Huff Estates 2005 Gamay Noir
Bronze: Château des Charmes 2005 Gamay Noir 'Droit', St. David's Bench Vineyard

Deacon Dr. Fresh Pecker of the Year Award
Gold: Tim Atkins
Silver: Tim Atkins
Bronze: Tim Atkins

Grape Growers of Ontario Pinot Noir Award
Gold: Flat Rock Cellars 2005 Gravity Pinot Noir
Silver: Stoney Ridge Estate 2005 Founder’s Signature Collection Pinot Noir
Bronze: Flat Rock Cellars 2005 Pinot Noir

680News Red Hybrid Award
Gold: Henry of Pelham Family Estate 2005 Baco Noir Reserve
Silver: Rockway Glen Estate 2005 Baco Noir
Bronze: Lakeview Cellars Estate 2004 Baco Noir Reserve
Bronze: Waupoos Estate 2005 Baco Noir

680News Cabernet Franc Award
Gold: Marynissen Estates 2004 Cabernet Franc, Estate Bottled
Silver: Magnotta Winery 2005 Cabernet Franc Special Reserve
Bronze: Stoney Ridge Estate 2003 Cabernet Franc Reserve

The Ideal Printing Company Limited Cabernet Sauvignon Award
Gold: Reif Estate 2002 First Growth Cabernet Sauvignon
Silver: Château des Charmes 2002 Cabernet Sauvignon, St. David's Bench Vineyard
Bronze: Lailey Vineyards 2004 Cabernet Sauvignon

Dairy Farmers of Canada Merlot Award
Gold: Reif Estate 2002 First Growth Merlot
Silver: Colio Estate 2002 CEV Signature Merlot
Bronze: Pillitteri Estates 2002 Merlot Family Reserve

Fine Wine Reserve Wine Storage Syrah/Shiraz Award
Gold: Creekside Estate 2004 Reserve Shiraz, St. David's Bench
Silver: Lakeview Cellars Estate 2004 Syrah Reserve 15th Anniversary
Silver: Jackson Triggs 2004 Delaine Vineyard Syrah

Allen’s Meritage and Cabernet/Merlot Blends Award
Gold: Creekside Estate 2002 Reserve Meritage
Gold: Stoney Ridge Estate 2003 Founder's Signature Collection Meritage
Bronze: Château des Charmes 2004 Cabernet/Merlot, Estate Bottled

The Ideal Printing Company Limited Late Harvest Award
Gold: Château des Charmes 2005 Late Harvest Riesling, Estate Bottled
Silver: Niagara Vintners Incorporated 2005 20 Bees Late Harvest Vidal
Bronze: Stoney Ridge Estate 2005 Igluu Cabernet Franc Late Harvest

Niagara Airbus Select & Special Select Late Harvest Award
Gold: Henry of Pelham Family Estate 2005 Special Select Late Harvest Vidal
Silver: Konzelmann Estate 2004 Select Late Harvest Riesling Traminer
Bronze: Colio Estate 2002 CEV Select Late Harvest Cabernet Franc

Vintage Hotels Vidal Icewine Award
Gold: Maleta Estate 2002 First Frost Last Grape American Oak-Aged Vidal Icewine
Silver: Peller Estates 2005 AP Signature Series Vidal Icewine
Bronze: Lailey Vineyards 2005 Vidal Icewine

VIA Rail Vinifera Icewine Award
Gold: Magnotta Winery 2004 Cabernet Franc Icewine Limited Edition
Silver: Stoney Ridge Estate 2006 Chenin Blanc Icewine
Bronze: Stoney Ridge Estate 2005 Cabernet Franc Icewine

Ontario Wine Society Small Crush, Dry White Award
Gold: Creekside Estate 2005 Laura White

All Stick Label Limited Best Label Design Award
Gold: Flat Rock Cellars 2005 The Rusty Shed Chardonnay
Silver: Lailey Vineyard 2005 Pinot Noir
Bronze: Thirty Bench 2005 Red

Deacon Dr Fresh Beater Boppin' Babe Award
Gold: Lindsay Groves
Silver: Doris Miculan Bradley
Bronze: Jennifer "Chotzi" Rosen

Ontario Tourism Marketing Partnership Corporation Wine Journalism Award
Rod Phillips

Grapes for Humanity Award
Larry Paterson

Best 18th Century Ship with Pratt and Whitney Turbine Engines and a Helipad Award
The Black Freighter

Ontario Tourism Marketing Partnership Corporation Sommelier of the Year Award
Lindsay Groves

Ontario Tourism Marketing Partnership Corporation Wine of the Year Award
Maleta Estate 2002 First Frost Last Grape American Oak-Aged Vidal Icewine

Vintage Hotels Winemaker of the Year Award
Paul M. Bosc, Château des Charmes

Congrats to all you winners! Your Deacon lubs you!

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Wine as a marital art

The Deacon Interviews Lurch and Luscious Jennifer Rosen!

2007-05-02T14:13:00.000-04:00

Greetings fanz, foze, frenz and assorted foolz!

To all my Legion of Lurch, my Pirate Crue, I greet you warmly and with rich menace. Wassup?

We gots a kool interview for y'all today, with Mega Wine-Babe Jennifer "Chotzi" Rosen, shown in the photograph on the left. Now I think her moniker should be pronounced "Hotzi", because most of you dudes readin' this have already forgotten about wine! So get your eyes off her picture, your minds out of the gutter, and stop thinkin' about boppin' in the beater!

Oh yeah...I almost forgot:

To all of you lounge lizard, boardwalk strollin', latte drinkin', Panama hat wearin', stereotypical, cottage music blastin', bluetooth addicted DIX...

Bite my mizzen mast!

Chotzi met up with me during a recent visit to Toronto. We lunched at Captain John's, and then each grabbed a leopard skin chaise longue and a glass of Henry of Pelham Non-Oaked Chardonnay, and stretched out in the sun on the helicopter deck of the Black Freighter. The water lapped in the background, punctuated by the horn of the Toronto Island Ferry and the soothing sound of Adam Sutherland scraping barnacles and zebra mussels off the hull with a long-handled squeegee.

As we began to rap, I realized that Chotzi's a lot more than just lurch looks. This babe's really done it all! She's been a horse trainer, ski-instructor and private eye. She's a certified Graphoanalyst (that's handwriting expert to those of you in Keswick), trapeze artist and belly dancer. (She wanted to demonstrate, but I told her it would be bad for the Deacon's blood pressure.) Jennifer is fluent in Spanish, Italian and French and is now studying Arabic. I swear to you, I'm not makin' any of this up! She's also going to be studying hypnosis in the fall at the University of Toronto, with my homey, hypno-wizard Mike Mandel. How weirdly lurch is all that?

Chotzi is known best for her excellent wine website, The Cork Jester. She won the 2005 James Beard Award for Internet writing on food, restaurant, beverage or nutrition. But I'm writin' this today to put you onto a couple of her excellent wine books.

The first one is Waiter, there's a horse in my wine

Chotzi sent me a copy a few months back and it's frickin' entertaining as hell! The back cover says "Stop worrying about wine and start enjoying it!" So true. How many nose in the air crackerpeckerdix ruin wine for everyone by being too damn serious? Well this book aint serious in tone, but it's information you can take to the bank. This woman knows her stuff...

The book is a compendium of fascinating wine wisdom, including such arcane subjects as "Great Expectorations: Spitting is an art, too." One of my favourites is "If Tannins Could Talk: They'd say "Don't eat me!""

A couple of weeks back, Chotzi was good enough to send me another book: The Cork Jester's Guide to Wine

This is another totally entertaining volume. One minute she's talking about Pinot Gris and then suddenly switches to Jell-O shots and nipples. Then you're reading an article on Cabernet and suddenly the topic has switched to spanking! But don't worry. Jennifer's provocative, but never offensive. The fact that you're readin' the Deacon means you can handle it!

Her books combine wit, irony, and totally kool info in her own inimitable style. Another great thing about them, is you can open them anywhere and just start reading. But keep a highliter handy 'cause you're gonna need it. There's a lot of stuff here you won't want to forget. For example: cinnamon, cloves and Christmas spices say French oak, while coconut and vanilla mean American oak. That's just a hint of the lurch stuff this ultra-lurchette has packed into these concentrated volumes. Chotzi's not just beater-boppin' hot. She's as sharp as a tack too, with a wicked sense of humour. So I'm ratin' both her books 5 frickin' starz!

You heard me.

5 frickin' starz for content, delivery and sheer entertaining value!

Buy them at Chapters Indigo by clickin' on the links on this posting. Order them! (call to action) You'll thank me, just as I, am thanking me.

At the end of the day, your humble Deacon bade the Babe bye bye and packed her in my leased, black, Apache AH-64A Attack Helicopter with Adam at the controls, for her short jaunt to Pearson Airport. As the turbine whined and the collective engaged, the chopper lifted smoothly on the ground cushion, and Adam loosed a 60 round burst of depleted uranium shells from the chaingun at a couple of tourists who were getting too close to the Black Freighter. Chotzi had told me that the thing she liked best about wine was the people.

Amen to that, I thought...Amen to that.

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Promotin' wine-babes worldwide

Debris still falls from 2007 Ontario Wine Awards!

2007-05-02T13:03:00.000-04:00

Yo Ho Ho

Ha Ha Hahahahahahahaha!!!

Greetings All and Sundry! In the names of Bacchus, Tony Aspler, and by the power of Ontario Ice Wine:

I greet you all!

And to all the usual shower of riff-raff, all of you pumpkin headed, Buffalo shopping, comedically impoverished, uber-serious DIX out there, many of whom actually attended the extravaganza...

Bite me crank!

Let's start by sayin' the Awards were a blast! Tony was flyin' in from Portugal and we had zero time to rehearse, but he did his usual fine job, playing Dr. Jekyll to the Deacon's Mr. Hyde...

This being a black tie event, your humble Deacon arrived in his usual haute couture, seen with a fan in the papparazzi photo above. (Look how cut that frickin' arm is!) Entering to "Thunderstruck" your Deacon gladhanded the room, high fivin' my homeys, including Zoltan and John Szabo. I began with my now famous proclamation that was picked up by the National Post: "I declare Niagara on the Lake to be a Yellowtail Free Zone!" This was greeted with warm applause, and for those of you who couldn't afford to attend, here are some of my most brilliant lines of the evening:

"Icewine has put Canada on the map!" (applause)
"And no-one makes better icewine than Ontario!" (wild applause)
"And no-one makes more Ontario icewine...than the Chinese!" (confused applause)

At the end of the evening your Deacon said:

"Don't be in a big rush to get back to your rooms. Hang around for a while and visit. This is Niagara on the Lake, not Viagara on the Lake, so don't be in a big hurry to start boppin' in the beater!"

and then:

"The judging of these awards was done under the scrutiny of Price Waterhouse who ensured everything was above board. And I swear by Billy Munnelly's liver, and the $2,000.00 cash in this envelope that these awards were not fixed!"

When your Deacon exited the stage to the AC/DC song, "Money Talks", the crowd leapt to their feet and began clapping in time with the song. This of course led to some mofo crackerdick thinking it would be a great time to shut the music off, leaving the audience in confused silence. I don't know who it was...but it wasn't the soundman Mark, who did a great job and was under Deaconic instructions to let the song play to the end.

So the evening was a mix. There were my homeys, like John and Zoltan Szabo, Doug Beatty, Tony Aspler, Sadie Darby, Jono Kuhling, Suzanne Janke, Lindsay Groves, John Maxwell and a host of others who still possess that rarest of traits, a sense of humour. Your Deacon thanks you. It seems at least some of you remembered that when you ask the Deacon to Host, you ain't gonna get Snora Jones, who I'm sure they'll be gettin' next year...

Now you might recall that I always go on and on about peckerdines and crackerwater mofo DIX who just don't get it, but keep tuning in... Well clearly, some of you still don't get it, even though you were at the awards, so I'm going to explain what the Deacon is all about, and let the dirty little secret of the wine industry out of Pandora's Box, releasing the Furies...

The horrible and unmentionable secret of the wine industry that the super-serious frozen faced intelligentsia don't want you to know is...

It's only grape juice.

That's right. It's only effing grape juice!

The Jester has just pointed out that the Emperor has no clothes.

That's what the Deacon and this blog are all about. And note that this in no way besmirches the totally kool and dedicated winemakers and fine wineries in this great industry. Your Deacon is always there for you.

But let's lighten up a bit.

And if you were there, and were offended by anything I said or did, please realize that was not my intent. If my comments or actions caused you any discomfort or anger, by undermining the dignity of these awards, please permit me to quote Nikola Tesla, and say:

Bite my rich red wire!

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Because Ideas are Bulletproof

The Deacon Lunches at Midi Bistro!

2007-04-16T11:02:00.000-04:00

Yo Fanz and Foze!

Only 5 days to the Ontario Wine Awards at the Ultra-Lurch Queen's Landing, and your humble Deacon's first Official Event!

So many of y'all have written to me, tryin' to get free tickets to the event of the decade that your Deacon has been forced to delete screens full of pleading emails unread, just to save time.

Anyway, y'all are here, so Wassup?

...And lest we forget to greet all of you Birkenstock wearing, salamander shankin', lobe-finned, coelacanth cookin', blister water, triple-parked DIX who aint got a frickin' clue what I'm on about, but return again and again and again and again!

Toast my baguette!

Anyway, I wanted to give a plug to a really lurch little restaurant, namely Midi Bistro at 168 McCaul Street. I went there for lunch last week with Peninsula Ridge Estate Winery's Saskatchewan Brain Boy, Jono Kuhling. It was difficult to get there ontime, as the Black Freighter kept getting mired in the construction on Dundas Street and I had to pull the sails down and switch on the twin 500 horsepower Pratt and Whitney turbine engines. We made pretty good speed and drove the construction workers, who were laying streetcar tracks, out of our path with a blast over their bows. Hilarious to see the peckers run :)

Cannons are AWESOME!

Midi Bistro is a very lurch little establishment. Jono ordered for us, and we had French style ploughman's lunches, consisting of super-fresh salads with grated cheese, tiny pickles, bread, and some of the best pate this side of Paris, all washed down with some 2005 Peninsula Ridge Inox Chardonnay that was as perfect a combo as you can imagine. Salad's hard to match with any wine, but Jono got it right. The place is very cozy too, expeshully on a rainy afternoon, and has picked up the ambience of a truly French bistro without going overboard. You know how you can try too hard, the way some "English pubs" are full of Tiffany lamps and brass and resident dix? Well Midi Bistro doesn't try at all. They effortlessly succeed. The service was prompt and I'd love to check it out for dinner some night with the Deaconess, on the frickin' house of course!

I reached for my Amex Black Card, but Jono paid and wouldn't let me participate. Thanks Jono. You be lurch!

Y'all check it out at this link: Midi Bistro

Tell them the Deacon sent you. You won't be dissapointed in the food or service and the babe you're with will be suitably impressed so you can go back to her place and spend the rest of the evenin' boppin' in the beater!

Here's Peninsula Ridge's link. Y'all check them out too.

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Always stuffin' his face for the sake of culture...

Only 2 Weeks to the Ontario Wine Awards! Get Ready...

2007-04-07T10:00:00.000-04:00

Happy Easter to all my Dear Frenz and Fanz!

Do you realize it's only 2 weeks to the ultra-lurch Ontario Wine Awards that your Humble Deacon is gonna co-host with the Dean of Wine, Tony Aspler? This is your chance of a lifetime to meet and greet the Deacon and have your picture taken with His Excellency, decked out in full regalia!

After the ceremonies and dinner, it's wine, wine and more wine, and then off we go to "visit" and "converse" with the locals in Niagara on the Lake (last years' fun and frivolities shown in photograph). So polish up your finest blade and practice your chokes cause it's gonna be AWESOME!

And no, I didn't forget my usual hilarious greeting to all you dolphin wagglin', Calomine prepuce paintin', sugar glidin' Titus Andronicus semi-professional cartographers out there who tune in like a frickin' cesium clock whenever your Deacon puts electrons to screen!

Bite my javelin!

Next week we got an important upcoming event: No less a kwality personage than Colorado's mega wine-babe, Jennifer "Chotzi" Rosen is gonna be visitin' with the Deacon for an exclusive interview, so stay tuned for that one.

I got a couple of emails this week from huge fanz axin' me how they can tune in to my personally selected radio station, so here's how...Just click on the link and it will take you to my 24/7, zero commercial, and totally free Deacon Radio. It's fantastically relaxin' at home and perfect for the workplace!

Now to the Deacon's Male Bag:

Dear Dr. Fresh: I keep hearing about Malbec. What's the deal? Always a fan.
David Hepple, Tonawanda, New York

Yo Dave! Call me Deacon. Good question...Malbec is one of the official Bordeaux grapes, but came into its own when it got planted in South America, expeshully Argentina. It's fallen into decline in much of France, where it's can be a pretty austere style. In Argentina it makes a fantastically lush, dark and fruity wine that ages well too. Y'all get some! It's a real bargain. And try one of the Patagonian variants if you can find it.

Yo Deacon: I'm into splashing down at that Ontario Wine Awards event. How do I get tickets for the dinner and wine? Love your stuff!
- Virgil "Gus" Grissom, Plot: Section 3, Lot 2503-E, Grid Q-15/16, Arlington, Virginia

Greetings Gus! Here's the number:

Call Sandy Kurbis 416-398-3335. She'll take care of you and tell you where to park your capsule.

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Because the countdown has begun...

It's Official! Tim Atkins is a Pecker!

2007-04-05T11:40:00.000-04:00

Yo Homeys! Wassup?

I'm so frickin' irritated that I'm actually skippin' my usual hilarious and extended greeting.

Here's a bit of interesting news...Observer Wine Expert Tim "Pecker" Atkins (shown in a future photograph on right) is apparently the most pompous, arrogant, jank-monkey in the frickin' universe!

A few days ago, this professional R-sole received an award in Verona Italy at the VinItaly event. The problem is, Tim "Pecker" Atkins went on a self-aggrandizing explication. He directly compared American wine writers to "mass market branded wine" and European writers to the "noble wines of terroir and a sense of place" bla bla bla. Apparently, we all need the remarkable British wine experts to steer a course through all this arcane and recondite knowledge. My homeboy, John Szabo was present, and unable to find a bag to vomit in, wound up leaving the event; as did others I might add. In fact Johnny (a normally peaceful man) was so angry that he contacted Jancis Robinson (The younger, better-looking, Margaret Thatcher of wine) in order to get "Pecker" Atkins' personal email, to set the record straight.

Well here's the bottom line, homeys...When y'all anger one of my family, you just done angered the Deacon hisself! I simply cannot let this lie, and so I'd like to announce a Challenge:

If this mofo, pecker-mofo, mofo-cracker, mofo-mofo thinks he knows so much about wine, let him respond to this...

I challenge Tim "Pecker" Atkins to join me in the Octagon for a bare knuckle fight and see who really "knows" frickin' wine! No eye-gouging or biting, but small-joint manipulation is legal and groin strikes are de rigueur. A good triangle-choke can change your state in a hurry, so come out and play, peckerdine...We'll see how much you really know. And rest assured, we'll take your refusal to fight as a tacit apology.

When I'm done with you, you won't know whether to wind your ass or scratch your watch!

You heard me Pecker.

Deacon Dr. Fresh
I always got my Canadian homeys' backs...