Dead 2 Rights

Always working for a concept: Father Guido Sarducci and the search for God

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 17:33:50 PST

Hello, long-neglected blog readers! Recently, while browsing through Saturday Night Live clips on Hulu, I found a rather remarkable sketch from the show's 1983 season. This particular sketch is called "Airport Friend" and it contains one of the most profound ideas I've heard all week. Here, give it a watch:

"You can put a man on the moon, but we'll always be working for a concept."

Recently the AV Club did a nice article about profound comedy. The usual names came up, of course -- Carlin, Pryor, Louis C.K. -- but one name absent from the roll call was Don Novello a.k.a. Father Guido Sarducci. Honestly, Novello has probably made me ponder the big questions of life and death more than any other comedian. I've listened to his album Breakfast in Heaven dozens of times. I wish I could find a video for the title track from that LP, a thoughtful and very funny monologue about the afterlife. But in lieu of that, here's Father Guido's concept for a "five minute university."

And here's Guido explaining life itself and the literal meaning of "paying for your sins":

This is the fairest, most comforting vision of the afterlife I've ever heard, and it encapsulates a lot of what I love about Novello's comedy. The AV Club's Nathan Rabin once pointed out that the Sarducci character "represents the very humane, approachable face of the Church." He's the one comedian who makes me hope that God actually does exist.

The Funday Sunnies! Comics for the terminally depressed!

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 02:16:14 PST

Celebrating America's richest vein of laughter and despair: Newspaper comics!

Hello, everybody!

My main man, Zomby, has been on a vision quest in Nepal these past few weeks, which explains his near-total absence from the blog. When (or if) he gets back, I'll be happy to bring you his further exploits. In the meantime, I thought I'd bring you a variety of Sunday comics, each one with the subtly dispiriting, downbeat antihumor of Zomby!

Enjoyment is not the proper reaction to these comics, per se. You really should be shaking your head and sighing deeply after each one.

Capitalist Cut-Ups

Ruprecht, The One-Armed Cat

Dennis the Fundamentalist

Only One Punchline!

The Dullards

Suburban Ennui

Creepy Love

Crude MS Paint Portraits of Celebrities!

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 13:42:31 PST

My attention span has gotten so bad lately. I can't even watch a TV show anymore and give it my full attention. Recently, my TV-watching hobby has been creating very crude, childlike portraits of celebrities in the venerable MS Paint program.

Here are a few examples. See how many you can identify.

1.

Answers (sort of) in the comments section!

(today's zomby) AND THE FUNNIEST JOKE WILLIAM SHATNER HAS EVER HEARD!

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 09:13:53 PST

Dear blog,

Sorry I've been neglecting you lately. What can I say? It's been a busy week -- a busy, exhausting, soul-draining week. Anyway, as advertised, here is yukmeister William Shatner in the obscure 1984 TV show Funniest Joke I Ever Heard:

How do I love this clip? Let me count the ways.

It's William Shatner and therefore guaranteed comedy gold.
He's on a goddamned horse for the entire thing.
Before he even tells his joke, he gives us some personal background information ("I love horses.") and promises us that the joke is going to be "great."
He takes a minute and a half to tell this joke, which turns out to be terrible. This confirms a theory I once heard which posits that joke-telling is not about humor but rather about controlling another person's time.
The delivery of the joke is pure Shatner. He speeds through many of his words, lingers over a few others, and puts pauses where they absolutely do not belong.
Instead of just making the joke's main character a generic, unnamed baseball manager, Shatner chooses to make him Tommy Lasorda. So much for timelessness.
Shatner cannot resist playing up the drama of the baseball manager's desperation. ("He's losing his shirt! He's losing his mind!") In fact, Shatner delivers the entire joke with the fervor of an Old Testament prophet.
When, at long last, the punchline arrives, it is baffling. Shatner says the words so quickly that they're almost unintelligible. You figure he's going to say something like "Kentucky Derby," but instead he blurts out "Hialeah." Hi-ya-wha?

For the record, "Hialeah" refers to Florida's Hialeah Park Race Track, which apparently used to be quite a famed horse racing venue. Wikipedia says it's defunct or at least semi-defunct and might be turned into a ballpark for the Florida Marlins. The park's official website sees things a little differently.

Either way, now you know what William Shatner's favorite joke is.

(today's zomby) AND THE IMPORTANCE OF LEARNING FOREIGN LANGUAGES!

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 13:58:34 PST

Hey, Zom! Instead of feeding your face, why not feed your head... with smartness? Here's a brief(ish) clip from the 1969 film The Wonderful Land of Oz, explaining the importance of being bilingual. Study this clip carefully, and you will also learn about things like acting, set decoration, costume design, and how to direct a movie that people other than immediate family members are going to see. Enjoy!

(today's zomby) ZOMBY RETURNS IN BOTH COLOR AND BLACK-AND-WHITE!

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 14:09:09 PST

Hoo-boy, folks. I know it's been a while since I've posted anything new to the blog, especially new Zomby!!! cartoons. But here are two new ones to make it up to you:

As it turns out, pills are not candy.

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 19:46:14 PST

Thanks to the good folks at the Long Island Regional Poison Control Center, here's a fun little PSA from 1983 featuring a vocal quartet comprised of singing pills. I wonder if this is what went on in Judy Garland's head all the time.

And in case some of those lyrics sound awfully familiar even though you didn't grow up in or near Long Island during the 1980s:

(today's zomby) AND SIX HORRIFYING MINUTES FROM "TODDLERS & TIARAS"

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 09:53:29 PST

And speaking of paradigm-shifting, mind-altering experiences, I now present without comment this clip from TLC's Toddlers & Tiaras:

Okay, maybe one comment. The L in TLC stands for Learning. What have you learned from this clip? (I, for one, learned the term "pageant crack.")

Terrible diseases with pretty names

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 20:29:16 PST

Language is a mysterious thing, pilgrims. If you doubt this, consider the fact that many terrible diseases and illnesses actually have quite beautiful names. Here are some of my favorites. I know it may seem silly, but please read these names aloud and concentrate on how they sound rather than what they mean.

Chlamydia
Diphtheria
Cholera
Gonorrhea
Colitis
Syphilis
Rubella
Malaria
Jaundice

And perhaps most beautiful of all...

Cirrhosis

It's a pity these lovely words are attached to such unpleasant conditions. If you are skeptical, I will leave you with this anecdote from Richard Lederer's book, Crazy English:

Clearly the impact that words have upon us is baffling. Sound and meaning work their dual magic upon us in ways that ear and mind alone cannot always analyze. Consider, for example, the foreign couple who decided to name their first daughter with the most beautiful English word they had ever heard.

They named the child Diarrhea.

Hollywood's Greatest Monsters... And Their Crummy Personal Websites : An Expose!

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 12:52:17 PST

Wolfie, Frankie and Drac: Internet failures all.

Remember that Internet gold rush of the 1990s, when everybody was scrambling to buy up any potentially lucrative URLs just as quickly as possible? Yeah, well, that's over. Know how I know? Because horror's three greatest names -- Dracula, Frankenstein and the Wolf Man -- have utterly failed to become desirable Internet addresses. Go ahead and add a .com to any of their hallowed names, and you know what you get? A whole lotta nothing, that's what!

Read on... if you dare!

The site: Dracula.com

Might as well be Dracula smiling and wearing a backpack.

Yes, dear readers, that uninspiring screenshot shows you what you get when you type dracula.com into your browser's address bar. It's one of those lousy generic placeholder pages. Apparently, the domain name is for sale. At least there are links to "Real Vampire Photos" and "Dracula Games," but there's also a shameful link to "Bratz Girls Games." How embarrassing, Dracula, for a nobleman such as yourself to be dragged down to the level of the slutty-looking proletariat!

The site: Frankenstein.com

Boris Karloff inadvertently shills for a "web production" company.

What you get here is something called Castle Pink Frankenstein, apparently a "web production company." (That exists? That's a thing?) Their awkwardly-worded sales spiel reads like this:

"CPF Web Production has worked with individual artists, small business, non-profits and politicians. Our main goal is to empower it’s clients with a web presence that works for them and to make it easy and affordable to keep the site updated. We deal with customized and integrated Word Press blogs, databases, social networking integration, Content Management Systems, iWeb customization (manage your own site once we build it for you!), eCommerce and of course standard plain old web pages."

The site: Wolfman.com

Note the lack of wolves, were or otherwise.

"This website reflects my Love of Macaws, Wolves, and Dogs." The fact that wolves get second billing in that sentence is a clear, early indication that this site maybe isn't going to be a tribute to Universal's Wolf Man, as played by Lon Chaney, Jr. (In case you're wondering, adding "the" to the name doesn't help. Thewolfman.com is just another domain-for-sale placeholder page, lamer even than Dracula's.) Wolfman.com turns out to be the personal page of someone named Jim Morris. The site's contents seem to consist of pictures of Morris' pets and brief articles about those same pets. So he's a "wolf man" in the sense that he's a man who likes wolves. Just like how so-called "cat people" are not really human-feline hybrids.

So these sites fail to make the grade, horror wise. What if you're opposed to monsters and want to call in the professionals? Your first move might be to type ghosbusters.com into your browser. So what do you get when you do that?

Well, this...

The site: Ghostbusters.com

Still at it after more than a quarter-century. Nice to know.

It's a very fancy, rather thoughtful promotional site for the Ghostbusters franchise. Once you get past the loading screen (above), you're taken to a city street with lots of clickable buildings. Yes, the theme song starts playing after a while. And, yes, the Ecto-1 zooms by occasionally. Slimer and Marshmallow Man put in their expected appearances. Apparently, the first film had a theatrical re-release in October 2011. Did you know about that? I didn't. Anyway, the site's most interesting detail might be something written in small type at the bottom of the screen...

So You Think You Can Ghostbust?

Can you read it? It says "Employment Opportunities." An employment opportunity? With the freakin' Ghostbusters? Ye gods! But hold on, Tex. You might think you're going to be the next Winston Zeddemore, but the link just takes you to the Sony Pictures Entertainment Career Connection, where you'll find such unappetizing employment opportunities as "Client Production Services Manager." So, no, you won't be bustin' any ghosts

Le sigh.

(today's zomby) AND PICTURES OF LILY MUNSTER!

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 09:15:09 PST

Some people maintain that the song "Pictures of Lily" by British beat combo The Who is about the 19th century actress Lillie Langtry. I say no for two reasons: (1) The spelling of the name is different, and more importantly (2) Lillie Langtry, despite her fabled beauty, was not particularly photogenic, as evidenced by the following:

Lillie "Two Bagger" Langtry

So if it's not about Lillie Langtry, then just who did inspire this wonderful song? I think the answer is obvious: Lily Munster. So now as a public service, I give you both the song and a gallery showcasing the many moods of Lily Munster. Please do enjoy.

Pensive

Whom do I kill first?

Playful

Oh, Lily, you brat!

Beautifully Bored

No, please, do go on.

Intrigued

Or "paranoid,"whatever.

Hungry/Seductive

Lily's a multitasker!

Lily, oh, Lily...

The Los Angeles Way of Death!

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 14:05:20 PST

Thirty years ago:

Incidentally, this very cartoon -- this self-same one you've just read -- led to the creation of The Simpsons. Producer James L. Brooks happened to see this cartoon and got in contact with its creator, Matt Groening, about producing some interstitial animation for The Tracey Ullman Show. Groening took him up on the offer, of course, and the result was The Simpsons, which spent a couple of seasons as a feature on Ullman before getting its own spinoff series in 1989.

Here's a death-themed cartoon from the Ullman era, complete with a mention of zombie movies! Enjoy!

(today's zomby) BRAND NEW YEAR, SAME OLD ZOMBY!

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 12:56:52 PST

...and as we all know, the Internet gets absolutely everything it wants. Why else would TRON get a sequel nearly 30 years later? The 'net demanded it, so it happened.

Anyway, readers, how the hell are ya? I hope you're enjoying the new year. For Zomby, things may have already hit a snag in 2012...

(sort of today's zomby) AND SOME OTHER STUFF AS WELL!

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 12:50:55 PST

Hello once again, dear readers.

Due to the Christmas holiday and a heavy work schedule, I've been taking most of this week off from the old blog-a-roo. But here are some cartoons to make up for it. Instead of doing a typical Zomby!!! adventure, I've decided to do another variation on Tom Wilson's venerable Ziggy. Namely, I've taken a few recent panels and transformed the unlucky protagonist from a miserable idiot into a blissful idiot. Here's how it turned out:

I don't know about you, but I like this little guy. He's optimistic and he's clearly learned life's greatest lesson: take pleasure in the little things. Bweakfast, kitties, comprooders... they're all here for our enjoyment.

I'd like to close out this little post with a few songs which have taken up residence in my subconscious lately. Hell, I should be charging them rent! First up is comedienne Tracey Ullman and her 1983 smash hit, "They Don't Know." Yes, Ullman first reached our shores not as an actress but as a singer. Her remake of this lovely Kristy MacColl number reached as high as #8 on the Billboard charts. The video is great, too, with a surprise cameo near the end.

Almost 20 years earlier, The Newbeats reached #2 with their pop soul tune, "Bread and Butter," which I first heard as a jingle for Quaker Rice Cakes in the 1980s. I'd heard the Newbeats' record on the radio many times and always assumed that the lead vocal was by an African-American female singer. I can't tell you how surprised I was to see an actual performance clip of the Newbeats and discover that their leader was in fact a slim, blond-pompadoured man named Larry Henley. Rarely has the disparity between sight and sound been so drastic:

And finally, since this is the last day of the year, I thought it was time for a reflection on the events of the last twelve months. All in all, 2011 proved to be a tough year for power mad dictators. Let's face it: that's a stressful job. Sure, it has its rewards, but dictatorship is rarely the type of career which ends with a cake and a gold watch. So as 2011 draws to a close, I thought I'd leave you with the catchiest song ever written about a brutal dictator. Honestly, this song -- "Amazin' Man" by British satirist John Bird -- might well have you singing Idi Amin's name while you do laundry or run errands.

Idi, Idi, Idi Amin! Most amazing man there's ever been! He's the...

Damn it!

(today's zomby) AND CAN YOU GUESS THESE MOVIES BASED ON THE FOREIGN POSTERS?

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 14:48:38 PST

Whew!

We got through another Christmas, huh? Good for us! Here's a little game to help ease you back into normal society. I'm going to show you some foreign movie posters with the titles and credits removed, and you're going to try to identify the films. Sound good? These are all very famous and popular American movies, so I'm not playing dirty. Apart from covering up the names, the posters have not been altered. Good luck!

(For you defeatists and up-givers out there, the answers are provided in the comments section.)

1.

Okay, class. Pencils down.

(today's zomby) AND MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM ALLAN, TOM, AND STAN!

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 10:49:13 PST

Heading out for the three-day Christmas weekend in a bit, folks. Here's a new Zomby!!! cartoon for your perusal. In case you feel yourself overdosing on holiday cheer and need some relief, I'm also including a few of my Yuletide musical favorites from three of the all-time greats, Allan Sherman, Tom Lehrer and Stan Freberg, at least two of whom are Jewish. (Freberg was the son of a Baptist minister, in case you were wondering.)

And if even these are not strong enough, here's an extra strength tune by Rudolph and Gang. (WARNING: NSFW language, though it's Christmas so why are you at work anyway?)

I'm not sure why this video was accompanied by pictures of British politician John Prescott. I have nothing against the guy.

KIM JONG-IL: HIS FIRST INTERVIEW AS A ZOMBIE!

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 18:00:54 PST

Kim Jong-Il looking healthy and relaxed. (source)

It is a matter of longstanding policy on this blog to bring you interviews with dictators soon after they have passed away and returned as zombies. After my conversations with Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi, I believe I have become the recognized leader in this very specific field. Now, as 2011 draws to close, I am privileged and honored to bring you this brief chat with North Korea's supreme leader Kim Jong-Il on the occasion of his demise.

WK: Before we begin, what do you want me to call you? Dear Leader? Our Father? From experience, I know that you power-mad dictators have a real "thing" about titles.

KJI: Hey, buddy, you can call me anything but late for "crazy practice!"

Crazy practice....? I don't, uh...

You know, lessons in acting completely batshit insane! You think I got like this overnight? No, I had to work at it! I mean, just look at my hair. Who was doing the "troll doll meets Kid 'n' Play" look before me?

Uh...

Exactly! Nobody! And you know who my wife is?

Er... it says on Wikipedia that you...

A game of Frogger!

Frogger? Like the arcade game?

I don't know!

But you said...

I say a lot of things. And my loyal subjects believe every last one of them. Like when I said I invented rainbows? They believed me. When I said I was all four Beatles? They believed me. Legally own the moon? Believed me. My toenail clippings cure gout? Believed me.

I get the idea. So the people of North Korea seemed to be pretty broken up over your passing.

Oh, hell yeah. Wait 'til they learn I've been dead nine years.

Nine years? But...

Hey, I'm like a David Lynch movie, man. Don't try to figure me out. Just sit back and enjoy! Speaking of which, do you want to go hunting unicorns with me, Jesus, Santa Claus, Ganesh, and the 1976 Baltimore Orioles?

Actually, yes. Yes, I do.

Well, grab an invisible pogo stick and let's get going! Oh, wait. Hold on a sec. I'm getting a text from Nicolas Cage. We're pretty much besties.

I can believe that.

Then you're well on your way to being North Korean.

Ha! Good one!

At this point in the interview, Kim Jong-Il folded himself into a small cube and was escorted away on a velvet pillow by an honor guard consisting of Barney the Dinosaur, the Wrathful Buddha, six members of the Rockettes, and one mysterious being who seemed to consist of pure light or possibly pure energy. I tried to follow after them, but when I reached for my invisible pogo stick, I found myself grasping at nothing but air.

(today's zomby) AND, YES, "ZOMBY" HAS BEEN RUNNING FOR A YEAR NOW!

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 16:56:20 PST

Who says zombies don't run?

Actually, no, Zom. You're not. But I once read a lengthy, scholarly report which concluded that the word "irony" had been used to mean so many things that it has come to mean pretty much nothing.

But on to more important matters. As of today, December 19, it has now been a full year since I started doing Zomby!!! As a way of marking this occasion, I'd like to present an assortment of my favorite cartoons so far. (If this seems a little self-indulgent, remember that I'm choosing only 17 out of more than 250.)

BONUS: These are in reverse chronological order, so the last few are from the time before Zomby got eyebrows!

In all sincerity, thanks to anyone who has ever spent even a few seconds reading a Zomby!!! cartoon.

P.S. - Here's a (hopefully) fun little holiday video I posted recently to YouTube. I mainly wanted to get some practice using Windows Live Movie Maker. Enjoy or don't.

(today's zomby) PLUS ME and some other people LIVE! IN CONCERT!

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 10:49:45 PST

Chances are, you did not attend the 2011 Holly-Palooza Concert in lovely Glenview, IL last Sunday. Well, never mind! Thanks to YouTube, you can watch a portion of the concert from the safety of your very own computer. Watch as I and my fellow members of the Glenview Concert Band perform our rendition of Leroy Anderson's classic, "Sleigh Ride" under the baton of maestro Ken Bartosz:

I'm in the back row, playing the euphonium. Can you see me?

(today's zomby) AND, YES, ZOMBIE CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS!

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 13:13:03 PST

Still looking to add that last-minute dose of zombie charm to your Christmas tree? Then why not accessorize that plastic pine with these adorable zombie Christmas ornaments...

Get it? Mistle-TOE? Oh, we have fun!

These are a real thing you can actually buy!

(today's zomby) AND A LOVELY ZOMBIE CHRISTMAS CARD!

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 15:25:46 PST

And speaking of Christmas and the living impaired, here is an actual zombie-themed Christmas card which you... yes, you!... can purchase and send to your loved ones this holiday season:

(source)

You'll shoot his brains out!

(today's zomby) AND MERYL STREEP IS VERY HAPPY NOW!

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 16:34:38 PST

This was directly inspired by the scene from Adaptation in which Meryl Streep and Chris Cooper imitate a dial tone. I'm including it in this post because it's a nice, funny little scene and because you get to see Meryl snorting what looks like green cocaine. And dial tones are sort of soothing, aren't they? They're generally preferable to hearing someone actually talk.

P.S. - If someone ever tells you Meryl Streep isn't great, you can go ahead and spit in his eye for me! Viva la Streep!

(today's zomby) ZOMBYMANDIAS!

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 17:02:56 PST

(today's zomby) AND ZOMBIE ATTACK BARBIE!

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 16:53:39 PST

Say, readers, are you still looking for that perfect last minute Christmas gift for a relative or loved one? No?

Well, look at this thing anyway! It's Zombie Attack Barbie!

(source)

(today's zomby) AND THE LOVE LIVES OF MACHINES!

noreply@blogger.com (Wayne Kotke) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 16:03:01 PST

Wow, this is a grim one. What can I say, folks? It goes with the territory of writing a cartoon about a dead guy. But should love be the exclusive domain of the living? Science suggests otherwise. I recently came across this 2010 clip with the self-explanatory title Japanese Robot Girlfriend.

The prototype JRG seems pleasant enough but rather cold, and it was a mistake to dress her as an actual nurse instead of a nurse in a 1980s music video. Perhaps what's needed here is some musical inspiration. There are a surprising number of tunes about the love lives of machines.

Here from Hollywood's golden year of 1939 is the possibly earliest example of the form, as crooned by the immortal Jack Haley:

Earnest and poignant if not exactly arousing. As an example of how quickly music evolves over time, here is a jumpin' little number by Wynonie Harris from 1951, a mere eleven years later:

Sadly, the romance of machinery does not seem to have been a major theme in popular music for most of the 1950s and 1960s. The Miracles, however, brought the theme back big time in 1975:

That #1 hit was almost certainly the inspiration for this bizarre 1978 disco number by Dee D. Jackson:

And who can forget Marvin the Paranoid Android's contribution to the subgenre from 1981:

I couldn't very well end this little survey without mentioning that there are not one but two great songs called "Computer Love," one by Zapp & Roger and one by Kraftwerk. Here they both are:

What's the matter? Don't you want to hug Uncle Klaus?

Weren't those nice? Kinda makes you see the machines in your life in a different way, right? Right?!?

Oh, forget it. I'm going into the kitchen and getting freaky with the toaster. Don't judge me.