In his latest email to subscribers, Harvard professor, Arthur C. Brooks offers the following and references his colleague Alison Wood Brooks, whose recent book, Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves, follows decades of research on how we interact with people, and how to do it better and more enjoyably. As Alison shows, people generally spend more time thinking about what they will wear to a dinner party than what they will talk about.

What you can do

Alison helpfully lays out four research-backed principles for conducting a strong and enjoyable conversation, for which she provides a mnemonic device called, appropriately enough, TALK.

T is for topics.
​Before you go into a conversation, think of a few subjects that you’d like to discuss with your partners. Keep your audience in mind and you’ll find this premeditation actually raises trust and avoids the awkwardness of not knowing what to say. Try to keep a running list of topics that would be good when talking with various significant people in your life.

A is for asking.
​Obviously, a stiff interrogation does not make for a great conversation. But as a rule, a conversation without questions is unrewarding—it’s no fun to talk with someone who seems totally incurious. Remember that good questioning requires deep listening.

L is for levity.
​Humor makes conversations fun. This doesn’t mean that you need to join an improv-comedy troupe. In fact, successful humor rarely means telling jokes; it means maintaining a “good humor”: a lightness and a gentle wit, which keep things from being too heavy and serious. We might think of laughter more as a social lubricant than a response to a punch line.

K is for kindness.
​This is probably the most important ingredient in a good conversation. It might appear as encouragement, hard feedback, new ideas, a quick laugh, a sounding board, challenging questions, or just a break. But it always means focusing primarily on the other person, rather than on yourself.

Arthur adds one more element to the list: depth. A 2010 study in the journal Psychological Science found that the higher the percentage of conversation that is small talk, the lower the participants’ well-being, whereas the higher the percentage of substantive topics, the higher the well-being.

Life is short. Go deep or go home.

A casual flip through Instagram this week and what I have posted below, showed up in my feed and it put powerful language to my own thinking and conviction about what it means to be healed and whole. The original post is by Chris Durso  who is an author and pastor that I’ve been aware of for nearly a decade. He is the founder of SoHo Bible Study in New York City.  I don’t know if he is going to write another book with this content as part of it or not but I hope so!

THIS IS HEALING

Therapy calls it doing the work.

Christianity calls it working out your salvation.

Theology calls it sanctification.

No matter what you call it – you don’t get healed by avoiding it.

The unhealed Christian will hate this post.

The unsaved therapist will hate this post.

The non-Spirit-filled theologian will hate this post.

The unhealed you will hate this post.

The lazy, bitter, angry part of you will hate this post. 

But your healing demands that you accept and apply this truth.

Going to church doesn’t mean you’re healed.

Sitting in therapy doesn’t mean you’re healed.

Quoting theology doesn’t mean you’re healed. 

Hurt people say they’re healed all the time. 

Healed people don’t need to say it.

You can see it.

Where you go and what you know means NOTHING if you don’t submit to the direction – a sensitive wound is no excuse.

If you only define healing through one lens, you’ll mistake 

survival for restoration – and silence for deliverance.

Healing is layered.

Healing is spiritual.

Healing is slow.

And healing is sacred.

The Church teaches:

– Speak life.

– Forgive quickly.

– Declare healing and move on.

This brings hope – but when rushed, 

it produces pressure to appear healed

while still bleeding.

You may have heard:

“If you’ve forgiven, don’t bring it up.”

“Don’t dwell-declare your freedom.”

“You’re healed, stop thinking about your pain.”

But language without depth leads to shame. 

You were never meant to shout over your scars.

Therapy teaches you to:

– Name the wound

– Notice the trigger

– Rewire the pattern

– Reconnect to safety

Therapy invites your body to catch up to your survival. 

It doesn’t silence your pain – it gives it language.

But if therapy stops at self-awareness, you can become emotionally 

intelligent and spiritually disconnected. You’ll learn the language

of boundaries-but forget your soul still needs a Savior.

Theology says:

– You were healed by His stripes.

– Wholeness is your inheritance.

– The Spirit gives life.

And this is true. But when theology ignores timing and process, 

it can create guilt for those still grieving.

You can preach doctrine and still avoid your past.

You can declare truth and still feel disoriented.

You can believe in healing and still need to heal.

You’re still healing if:

– You call silence “strength”

– You’re terrified of sitting still

– You spiritualize everything to avoid feeling

– You react strongly to stories that sound like yours.

AND THAT’S OKAY.

The Church-only lie:

“I forgave, so I’m fine.”

The Therapy-only lie:

“I processed it, so I’m done.”

The Theology-only lie:

“God healed me, so I shouldn’t feel this.”

But healing never demands denial. It demands integration.

Unhealed circles will:

– Celebrate your surface

– Minimize your progress

– Silence your voice

– Call your growth “too much”

Some people still love the version of you that still settles.

Healing isn’t:

– Feeling nothing

– Moving on fast

– Pretending to be okay

– Burying the story

Healing is when the truth can live in your mouth

without shame.

Healing doesn’t happen through attendance, awareness or articulation.

Healing starts when honesty matters more than image. When truth feels safe in your mouth. 

When your soul stops performing and starts integrating.

This isn’t about how you look.

It’s about whether you’re in alignment. 

With yourself. With truth. With God.

You’re healing when:

– You can name your fear.

– You’re no longer triggered by the truth.

– You walk in freedom without faking it.

– You can feel it without being overwhelmed.

God sees it all:

– What the church skipped.

– What therapy helped unpack.

– What theology reminded you to hope for.

AND HE HOLD IT ALL IN HIS HANDS.

Healing isn’t about looking 

fixed. It’s about becoming whole.

When your spirit is anchored, your mind is renewed,

your soul is integrated and

your story is surrendered–you’re being made whole.

This is healing. And it’s holy.

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Micah 6:8 He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
    And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
    and to walk humbly with your God.

That’s my end game too. What I hope for is for a people that follow Jesus. Who see the current Asbury Revival and are encouraged to walk closely with God whether there in person or as a distant onlooker.

Here’s what troubles me though. Many of us Christians have taken this and seemingly every other opportunity to criticize a particular form of worship or we choose to “eat each other alive” for whatever other negative reaction we can stir up for things that we don’t “like”. Sometimes I actually think, as I examine my own life, my thoughts, my actions…revival hasn’t yet been quite as far reaching as one would hope.

This is where it seems to me we most need to understand that revival is not a place but a state of being.

What is beautiful, pure, revival? Is revival not for the purpose of reviving our spiritual fervor? To seek the Holy Spirit with diligence and with an expectation that spiritual power will be evident in our lives? Our simple, ordinary, change a diaper, go to the store kind of life? Is revival not the expectation that the results will mean we as “little christ’s” actually live with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control at our core? Yes, we should call out the evil among us but unfortunately our own evil is often too loud for the world around us to see past it. And by the way…what if God isn’t constrained to our perceived wants, needs and desires? What if he can work in the middle of deafening drum solos or the quiet of an ancient cathedral where you could hear a pin drop as prayers and petitions are whispered?

REVIVE US AGAIN (W. P. Mackay (1863, 1867)

We praise thee, O God, for the Son of thy love,
for Jesus who died, and is now gone above.

Refrain:
Hallelujah! Thine the glory, hallelujah! Amen!
Hallelujah! Thine the glory, revive us again.

2 We praise thee, O God, for thy Spirit of light
who has shown us our Savior and scattered our night. [Refrain]

3 We praise thee, O God, for the joy thou hast giv’n
to thy saints in communion, these foretastes of heav’n. [Refrain]

4 Revive us again, fill each heart with thy love.
May each soul be rekindled with fire from above. [Refrain]

On the final Sunday of the “Parenting and Other Scary Stories” series, we closed our time with a panel of parents to field and address questions from the RESTōR congregation. We didn’t get to nearly all of them – here is a follow up to those that were not answered.

What if one spouse wants to talk about parenting as a team but the other doesn’t care to?

So, back to the “from where I sit” situation… I walked into a crowded, busy restaurant and asked for a seat at the breakfast counter. I have sat here on many occasions and enjoyed the view into the open kitchen, watching, over the last 15 years, as the kitchen crew worked their magic in creating dishes that were tasty and enjoyable. This time was different though. And to be fair, I noticed it after coming back from the covid hiatus, that things were different. But, this time, even more so. I was seated at the corner of the bar, which was fine, but as soon as I sat down I realized that the owner either didn’t care about what I saw or had not sat where I was sitting. Directly in front of me were three boxes, one stacked on top of the other. Next to the boxes was an espresso machine in desperate need of cleaning and polishing. The space that I could see through gave me a view of open shelving. This shelving, in earlier days, was impressively filled with dishes that were arranged and organized for the delight of slightly OCD people like myself that are sitting at the counter. Those days are long gone and now it’s just an unsightly clutter. As my eyes moved to the right, past the space, I was now staring at a stainless steel soda machine that hasn’t been cleaned properly in anyone’s recent history. Hot water and stainless steel polish would do justice to this corn syrup, sweetly carbonated, goodness-spewing machine. Of course, after observing all of this, my eye is drawn to the other end of the counter where a pile of rags and cleaning solutions are piled in the corner and then, up to the ceiling over the area where my food is being prepared and the greasy, dust-filled air handling vents overhead. About that time, my order of Shrimp & Andouille Sausage Hash arrived and my attention became focused. Seriously focused on the tasty, cooked-to-perfection food in front of me. Here’s the thing. What I observed earlier didn’t change the way the food tasted, but it changed the way that I felt about the restaurant. There is less confidence in a wholehearted recommendation when the details don’t seem to matter like they used to. Yes, the food is still delicious, but our experience is never siloed. One thing impacts another thing and another and another. It is the understanding of the wholistic experience that is misplaced and forgotten when we often most need to remember it.

Comfortability with our surroundings. Our methods. Our procedures. Our “because we’ve always done it that way'” will be the things that will stunt our growth and impede our progress. If we just want to maintain the status quo or are only intent on reaching those people, customers and guests that will easily forgive our lack of attention and care in lieu of those that might be unfamiliar with our “product”, we will never reach our full potential and can easily move backward as life cycles around us and eventually forgets us.

So, what are you seeing? Are there things in your life that are disordered and unsightly? If you sit back and look at your surroundings are there some things that need attention? What about the things you can’t see? The clutter in your head? The disordered thoughts? The misaligned loves? If the owner of the restaurant doesn’t get a fresh perspective, doesn’t sit where I sat, he will never make the necessary changes to keep his business thriving and growing. Yesterday, I talked to our team at RESTōR about this. Because what is true in a business, is true in a church or any organization that is making the worthwhile effort to add value to the lives of our community. Same is true for our inner life – so get perspective. What do you see? Don’t ignore the areas that show up, though long -ignored , ’cause there’s bacteria and other stuff growing where it shouldn’t and that’s just gross and doesn’t stand a chance in the competitive, inter-connected world of food and life.

Yesterday, we closed out the “IDOLS” collection of talks. Many of us took some big steps forward in refocusing our worship off of ourselves and our preferred idols and onto Jesus instead. We recognized that much of our idol worship has to do with a lack of renewing our mind. Wrong thinking perpetuates our idol-making and minimizes the power of God in our lives.

Idols have a way of slowly, while we are unaware, making their way into our lives. We can either fear this and put up walls and insulate ourselves from the outside world or we can live confidently “in the world”, but not of it and believe that the Holy Spirit will redeem the times we live in. When Jesus prayed for His disciples in John 18, He didn’t say “take them out of the world” but, instead, prayed for them and for us. That we would be strengthened and protected as we are “in the world”.

Being in the world means we are surrounded by the culture of the world – and culture would have us believe that it is true and right. When we worship culture we, without realizing it, are worshiping APPROVAL, COMFORT, CONTROL and/or POWER (root idols). And, just as we don’t realize this, we also are often unaware that we are acclimating to the culture around us – living like, thinking like, believing like those who DON’T BELIEVE that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God. Because, to do otherwise may be uncomfortable, cost us approval, loss of control and power. And, slowly but surely, because we fear loss of these idols, we acclimate to…cultural idolatry. Which means that if you looked at the lives of many “christians”, you’d be hard pressed to find any distinctives that set them apart from the world at large!

So, how do we remain in the world, but not of it?  This scripture from the apostle Paul’s writing to the church in Rome is helpful as we think rightly about this.

Romans 12:2 [msg] “Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.”

We remain in the world and not of it by seeking truth and living by it. What is truth? Jesus is! He is REAL and He is TRUTH! We believe this because of evidence, reason and our experience. Following the teachings of Jesus means that your life is not your own. It means that your life is focused on others in your life and those you are still to meet. When we follow Jesus, we do as He did. We follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. We rely on Him to lead us into all truth. Through him we identify every IDOL, we come against every stronghold because…

The truth is, when we worship false gods, we are either deliberately or unconsciously pledging allegiance to evil spirits whose only goal is to take God’s rightful place in our hearts. 

The truth is…STRONGHOLDS play in the mind, the imagination and thoughts. We need a renewed mind! We take every thought captive! 2 Cor 10:5 says, “We demolish arguments and every pretension [claim] that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

The truth is, in the name of Jesus, we name and break every stronghold, every idol! It must go in Jesus’ name! 

The truth is, to the follower of Jesus, an idol is nothing! So-called gods are just demons and their deceit, their fakery has no true power over us! Any power they have yields to the power of Christ! 

The truth is, we must choose this day who we will serve!

1 Corinthians 8:5-6 “There may be so called gods both in heaven and on earth, and some people actually worship many gods and many lords. But for us, there is one God, the Father, by whom all things were created, and for whom we live. And there is one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom all things were created, and through whom we live. Amen!”  

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, [out beyond shame and fear] there is a field. I’ll meet you there. Rumi

For far too much of her history the church has allowed a prejudicial culture to take root and cause harm. I believe God’s correction and our repentance is desperately needed. But what does this look like and what are the actions that we should take? I don’t have many answers but I maintain that if we, individually, do the hard work, it will translate to change in the church and society. 

This requires deep, prayerful thought and honest consideration about issues that, unless we’ve experienced prejudicial treatment, probably are not front and center for us on a regular basis.

So, start with these insightful questions: 

• What is it that you think about first when you see a person of another culture, race or class?
  • Are there some immediate biases that rise to the top?
• What are the surface idols that you can easily identify? [image idolatry, racial/cultural idolatry, family idolatry??]

If you conclude that, “my life only has meaning and I only feel valued when my race, culture or class [social position] is elevated”…you have yourself an IDOL. If this is true, then what we’re really saying is that, POWER is our root, our deep IDOL and this idol left unchecked will be our destruction.

SO HOW DO WE COMBAT THIS PROPENSITY, THIS NATURAL INCLINATION TOWARD A PRIDEFUL ELEVATION OF OUR RACE, OUR CULTURE OR CLASS? 

Breaking it all down, our ability to lead with HUMILITY, will dismantle the power of our prejudices.

Here are four actionable steps to live in humility and tear down the strongholds of prejudice and power!

1. LOVE – To love others as God loves us means relationship. It is easy to make assumptions and judgements when we don’t sit across the table from someone…break bread and it’s a different story. Diversify your conversations and watch your heart shift and soften toward those you’ve seen in an unbecoming light.By the way, love yourself too. You have inherent value. Develop a correct understanding of who you are and you’ll have clarity about the value of others as well. 

   When we have a negative self image, a deficit of self-love, when we feel badly about ourselves, we are more inclined toward bias against people who are different.

2. LISTEN – Our ability to listen is directly connected to our level of empathy. Listen to understand not simply to respond.
3. DISCERN – Prayer is the gateway to discernment. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom and discernment as a regular, ongoing request…live into this, have faith that you already have everything in you, you’ve been fully equipped, for what lies ahead of you. Then step into those moments with confidence.
4. RESPOND – Ask…How can I serve? How can I help?

Join me in creating a better world, WITHOUT PREJUDICE …let’s meet in that open field. Where we will love, listen, discern and respond.

Romans 12:1-2 MSG 1 So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. 2 Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity 
in you.

To what and to whom do we pledge allegiance? It is imperative that we give consideration to this question. What is our obligation to an earthly kingdom?

You’ve heard the oft-repeated assessment of a certain ilk of Christianity who are “too heavenly minded to be of earthly good”. We know what that means, we’ve been around the “head in the clouds” sort of Christians that are so future-oriented that ”Heaven is where I’m going so I’m just biding my time here on earth” is their mantra. We see their effectiveness. Their relatability in culture and society is questionable, at best.

Perhaps, we’ve chosen to live out our faith differently by engaging the culture – being in it, yet separate in our conduct and practice. And yet the question remains.

How do we respond? How do we conduct ourselves in a place that, simultaneously, is our earthly home and yet where we are also aliens and strangers?

What do we do when political and church leadership mash it up ’till the love affair between church and state creates an illegitimate child that holds only a vague resemblance of what followers of Jesus are truly called to be and do?

 How do we live as citizens of our country – loving it, participating in it, bringing influence – and yet keeping our primary allegiance aligned with the way of Jesus? These are questions well worth the wrestle. As we wrestle, let the words of Saint Peter, the Apostle, inform us and give us clarity.

Make the Master proud of you by being good citizens. Respect the authorities, whatever their level; they are God’s emissaries for keeping order. It is God’s will that by doing good, you might cure the ignorance of the fools who think you’re a danger to society. Exercise your freedom by serving God, not by breaking the rules. Treat everyone you meet with dignity. Love your spiritual family. Revere God. Respect the government. (‭1 Peter‬ ‭2‬:‭13-17‬ MSG)

Real, gospel transformation only comes with full repentance. This is important because it’s possible to spend a lifetime repenting of the surface sins, but never getting victory because the root causes remain unidentified. These questions may help with this ID process:

• What are the recurring surface idols/sins in my life? 
• Greatest nightmare? What do I worry about the most?
• What do I most fear losing?
• What brings me comfort when stress is high?
• What gives me the most self worth? 
• What do I need more than Jesus to make me happy?
  

Here’s a recap…

SURFACE IDOLS

LIFE ONLY HAS MEANING AND I ONLY HAVE VALUE IF…

• I have a particular kind of look or body image.   IMAGE IDOLATRY
• I am highly productive and get a lot of work done.   WORK IDOLATRY
• I am being recognized for my accomplishments and excelling in my work.   ACHIEVEMENT IDOLATRY
• I have a certain level of wealth, financial freedom and very nice possessions.   MATERIALISM IDOLATRY
• I am adhering to my religion’s moral codes and am accomplished in its activities.   RELIGIOUS IDOLATRY [IRRELIGIOUS]
• this one person is in my life and happy to be there and/or happy with me.   INDIVIDUAL PERSON IDOLATRY 
• my race and culture is recognized as superior.   RACIAL / CULTURAL IDOLATRY
• a particular social or professional group lets me in.   INNER RING IDOLATRY
• my children and/or my parents are happy and happy with me.   FAMILY IDOLATRY
• Mr or Ms Right is in love w/me and wants to be with me.   RELATIONSHIP IDOLATRY
• I am hurting, in a problem; only then do I feel worthy of love or able to deal with guilt.   SUFFERING IDOLATRY
• I am completely free from obligations or responsibilities to take care of someone.   INDEPENDENCE IDOLATRY

DEEP [ROOT] IDOLS – 

COMFORT

If you seek COMFORT (privacy, lack of stress, freedom)…

People may say you are laid back and likable. 

• Your greatest nightmare: stress, demands

• People around you often feel: neglected

• Your problem emotion: boredom

APPROVAL 

If you seek APPROVAL (affirmation, love, relationships)…

People may say you are likable and friendly. 

• Your greatest nightmare: rejection

• People around you often feel: smothered

• Your problem emotion: cowardice

CONTROL

If you seek CONTROL (self-discipline, certainty, standards)…

People may say you are competent and detailed.

• Your greatest nightmare: uncertainty

• People around you often feel: condemned

• Your problem emotion: worry

POWER

If you seek POWER (success, winning, influence)…

People may say you are confident and strong. 

• Your greatest nightmare: humiliation

• People around you often feel: used

• Your problem emotion: anger

RESOURCE: COUNTERFEIT GODS by Tim Keller