NEGATIVE VERBAL COMMENTS AND NEGATIVE NON-VERBAL CUES

You will notice that difficult, obstinate and stubborn people almost always are negative towards any new ideas and ‘put down’ the person suggesting a new idea. This ‘put down’ can be either verbal and/or non-verbal cues such as rolling their eyes, shaking their head, folding their arms or generally looking disinterested.

Whatever the way this is then communicated it results in stopping people discussing this idea and bringing up further ideas. It stifles both current and any future ideas.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT NEW IDEAS?

But did you know that every new idea is actually BORN DROWNING. What this means is that the idea is not yet fully developed or even fully thought through yet. Every new idea needs the opportunity to float, swim and develop much, much further. To do this you need positive people to support and encourage the person who brings up the idea. You do not need negative and difficult people that jump on and squash any new idea and also the person who suggested the idea.

THE POWER OF NEGATIVITY CAN BE HUGE

But have you ever seen people in a team or group who whenever people bring up new ideas, these people always respond negatively to these ideas? Negativity is a sure-fire way to ensure that the idea drowns and is lost forever. This does not mean that every new idea is a great idea. But if the idea never gets the chance to be discussed and explored how will people ever know if it is a worthwhile idea?

HOW TO GIVE IDEAS A CHANCE TO DEVELOP

So here is a strategy to give ideas a chance to develop in a team meeting and reduce the negativity of difficult people. Introduce a NEW IDEAS STRATEGY. This means that when someone suggests a new idea then everyone else must make a positive comment about the idea before any further discussion occurs. People cannot jump into negative comments first, they must start with positive, encouraging and supportive comments.

SWITCHING FROM NEGATIVE TO POSITIVE

This strategy will change the atmosphere from negative to positive and helps people see the possibilities in an idea. This allows the opportunity for the idea to at least start to swim and perhaps develop further. Try it! It will surely reduce the power of those who always want to squash new ideas and are being extremely difficult people.

YOUR OWN DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE PACKAGES

Want more ideas and strategies on dealing with difficult people in your life? Then it is time to get your own package on DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE.

Whether you work as part of a large corporation, small business, non-profit organization or as an individual consultant, it is important to have some understanding of what underlies the psychological needs of people. If you are the CEO, a manager, work colleague or employee, there is one psychological need we all have in common. Not being aware of this need is an enormous mistake in dealing with people and ultimately destroys relationships and productivity in the workplace.

THE BIGGEST MISTAKE IN DEALING WITH PEOPLE OVERALL

In our consulting work with clients on dealing with people and particularly in dealing with difficult people, we repeatedly point out this mistake.

Here is the biggest mistake people make in working in teams and working with employees, colleagues and others.

It is not truly understanding and ignoring the real POWER OF TRUE RECOGNITION AND REAL APPRECIATION.

When you really and honestly show recognition and appreciation to other people, it can make people feel valued and inspires people to keep going when times are tough.

People achieve more and work together more productively when they feel like they are appreciated for what they do.

SOME PEOPLE SAY THIS AT TRAINING WORKSHOPS

Having conducted workshops on human interaction with thousands of participants – we always talk about the appreciation of others. However, there are some participants who say, “People do not want to be thanked. The work they do and the payment they may receive is appreciation enough”.

LET US GET REALLY CLEAR ABOUT THIS

Let’s get very clear on this. This is the most dangerous mistake you can make. Even when someone says that they do not want to be thanked – do not be fooled by this humble response.

Every human being wants to be valued and appreciated. Every manager, every employee, every work colleague and every person. The skill is in customizing the form of appreciation to fit the person. So find ways to value, appreciate and appreciate again.

HAVE YOU GOT YOUR COMPLIMENTARY GUIDE?

Now to show our appreciation of you as one of our thousands of readers, please make sure to get your complimentary guide. Sign up with your first name and email address, and put in your question if you would like. You can then get instant access to your free Dealing with Difficult People Guide: 17 Ideas on Dealing with Difficult People.

A LESS EMOTIONAL SPACE TO BE IN AND TO RESPOND TO OTHERS

Whenever you are dealing with people behaving badly it is important that you are able to get yourself into a ‘mind space’ where you are able to reduce your emotions and respond calmly. Whatever role you play with these people in the workplace – employer, employees, colleagues or in your personal life – partner, siblings, relatives or others.

FOCUS, PERSPECTIVE AND CALMNESS

So how do you quickly find a way to calm yourself down and reduce your emotional response? One strategy is to use a series of questions to ask yourself these questions below. The questions help you to find some degree of ’emotional distance’ and give you some perspective on the situation and the difficult person or people who are dealing with. When you are too emotional it is impossible to be able to think clearly about how to handle difficult situations and people. Using these questions can be very effective in helping you gain focus, perspective and a degree of calmness.

THE QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF IN THIS STRATEGY

So here are the questions to ask yourself…

1. Who really owns the problem?
2. Why am I getting so distressed about this person?
3. What is really and truly at stake here?
4. How significant is this person in my life?
5. What is the best I can hope to get out of this?

Your answers will then help you have a degree of emotional distance, so you can decide how you will then respond. Keep these questions in mind when dealing with difficult people.

So here is an important concept for you to consider in communicating with difficult people.

THE POWER OF HABITS IN YOUR COMMUNICATION

Your communication with other individuals is actually a series of communication patterns or more simply, a series of communication habits. Whenever you want to change your communication with another person, then you have to change your communication habits with them. You have to jump over some hurdles to achieve this.

The longer you have known or dealt with an individual, or the closer your relationship to that person, then the more ingrained these communication habits become. This means that the way you communicate with these people who you find difficult are most often a series of very fixed communication habits.

Changing your communication habits in dealing with difficult people can be extremely hard.

HOW LONG TO CHANGE A HABIT

Yet although very hard to alter, habits can be changed. But it is not easy and takes effort and work. But here is the important question – how long does it take to change a habit?

Some of the most recent research suggests that if you practice a new habit each day for 30 days, then this habit will start to take the place of your old habit. Your mind will move from following the old habit to concentrating more on the new habit that you have been practising throughout this time.

YOU HAVE TO PRACTICE YOUR NEW HABITS

So in order to change your traditional communication habits with a difficult person, then you have to practice your different way of communicating and speaking with this person. Not once, not twice but on an ongoing basis.

DO NOT EXPECT IMMEDIATE CHANGE FROM DIFFICULT PEOPLE

However, it is important to realise that just because you have changed your communication habits with a difficult person this does not mean that they will change automatically. They are also stuck in their own communication pattern and habits. Just as it takes you time to change the way you are communicating, this is the same for them.

KEEP WORKING ON DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

So you need to consistently work on reinforcing your new communication habits and patterns with this other person. Eventually if you stick to communicating in an alternative way and not fall back into old communication patterns, then that person will have to alter the way they respond and communicate with you.

This means that as you practice your new communication habits, this will progressively influence how they communicate with you in the future and improve your own ability in dealing with difficult people.

INTERPRETING TEAM MEMBERS AS BEING DIFFICULT PEOPLE

It is interesting that members of some teams can be seen by other members in their team as being very frustrating and difficult people to work with.

This can sometimes come about because these team members are likely to ask two questions that disturb the status quo. Yet asking these questions is not about dealing with difficult people in the team.

No! It can be these two questions that are asked by those people that continue to help the team grow and prosper. These questions are vital to effective team development and yet can cause great conflict, discussion and debate. And those team members asking these two questions can be treated as difficult people in the workplace.

TWO MOST IMPORTANT TEAM QUESTIONS TO ASK

Now, what do you think are the two questions that these team members ask and that the most effective teams should ask themselves? Every six and twelve months the most effective teams revisit these two questions in relation to how they are operating. Then they tweak, change, alter and then adapt what they are doing in response to these questions. Here the two questions…

> The WHY question. Why are we doing it this way? and

> The WHAT question. What if we did it differently?

THE IMPORTANCE OF CONTINUAL IMPROVEMENT AND SUCCESS

Having run and facilitated thousands of workshops on dealing with difficult people and also on team building it is important that people are not misjudged. Asking these two questions will result in discussion and often disagreement but not asking these questions means that teams can stagnant. Ensuring these questions are asked results in continual improvement and ongoing team success.

So make sure if you are part of a team, that the whole team regularly takes the opportunity to ask and revisit these two vital questions.

HAVE YOU GOT YOUR COMPLIMENTARY GUIDE?

Make sure to look to your right and then sign up with your first name and email address, and put in your question if you would like. You can then get instant access to your free Dealing with Difficult People Guide: 17 Ideas on Dealing with Difficult People.

BUT REMEMBER DIFFICULT PEOPLE ARE EVERYWHERE

But remember, you deal with and handle all sorts of people. Whether these people are managers, employees, work colleagues, volunteers, clients, patients, customers, family members and more. So please remember this very powerful concept when dealing with anyone that you come in contact with at work and in your personal life.

NUMBER ONE MINDSET CHANGE YOU NEED

So here is a powerful adjustment you need to make. It has to do with your mindset. This number one mindset change needs to happen before you continue communicating with a difficult person. You have to let go of the NEED TO BE RIGHT. Yes, that is it! You really and truly have to let go of wanting to be right. Why? Because when your thoughts are fixated on the need to be right you then assume and focus on proving that the other person is wrong.

LET IT GO AND FOCUS ON WHAT YOU NEED TO ACHIEVE

Even though a person can be trying, challenging and troublesome once you let go of the need to be right, then you can begin to discover that there are multiple ways to handle situations. Not just one way and only one way. Not just someone being right and another person being wrong.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT ALWAYS GIVING IN

But let’s be clear. This is not about just giving in to the other person’s viewpoint. It does not mean that you cannot be right and correct about something. It really is about putting your focus on how to deal with the conflict itself rather than just digging in your heels to prove that you are absolutely, totally right.

GIVE COMMUNICATION THE OPPORTUNITY TO HAPPEN

Will this mean that dealing with difficult people it will be easy? Of course not, but it does allow the opportunity for communication to improve as your mindset is no longer inflexible and fixated on the need to be right.

MORE IDEAS AND INFORMATION FOR YOU

Did you found this quick blog post interesting? Then make sure to check out our articles, other blog posts and free downloadable book on dealing with difficult people.

NOT KNOWING CAN BE WORSE THAN KNOWING FOR MANY PATIENTS
But can having a diagnosis of a serious illness result in less anxiety and stress, than having diagnosis uncertainty in relation to your health?

A recent study has found that for patients actually not knowing or having a possible diagnosis can result in more anxiety and stress than having been diagnosed with a serious illness.

It seems in dealing with people in the medical setting, levels of anxiety are higher where there is diagnosis uncertainty.

WHAT THE RESEARCH SHOWS ABOUT ANXIETY

Dr Eliva Lang and her colleague at the Harvard Medical School in Boston conducted a study involving 214 women with one group waiting to undertake treament for cancer or an unterine fibroid tumor. 

With another group having a breast biopsy and therefore an uncertain diagnosis at that stage. Before undertaking medical treatments and procedures the participants underwent tests measuring their levels of anxiety and also other tests.

THE RESULTS MAKE INTERESTING READING TO CONSIDER

In this research it was identified that those women attending for a breast biopsy and so were uncertain about their diagnosis, then these woman experienced largely higher levels of anxiety and feeling little control over the situation. This was compared to those women who have been diagnosed before and were experiencing treatment for malignant cancer and fibroids. According to Dr Lang, when patients receive a diagnosis despite its negativity and confirmation of a serious illness, these patients did find understanding and some control over their situation and treatment options.

DEALING WITH PEOPLE AND THE LANGUAGE USED

Dr Lang also confirmed that when dealing with people and patient anxiety rather than using words such as “it will only hurt a little bit” words such as “hurt” should be left out of explanations. Rather very clear comfort-based words need to be used that focus on the personal strengths of patients in handling the issues.

DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE AND ADVICE

This research also has implications for you in dealing with difficult people who are patients or loved ones who have become patients. Be aware that their anxiety and stress levels will be raised, particularly in situations with an uncertain diagnosis. Be prepared to use truthful, honest and clear language and remind them of their ability to handle whatever diagnosis and circumstances will occur.

MORE IDEAS FOR YOU ON MANAGING DIFFICULT PEOPLE

We have many more ideas for you on dealing with frustrating, upsetting and stressful people in your life. You can read more posts on managing difficult people and even more other articles about the actions of difficult people.

STEP 11 AND THE IMPORTANCE OF HAVING EMPATHY

It is important when dealing with difficult people, no matter how very difficult that you understand that you are dealing with a human being. Human beings are not robots and they are complex, and are not just black and white. Everyone has both their weaknesses and areas that are their strengths. So when managing difficult people it is important to have and show empathy to their feelings. The Collins English Dictionary explains that empathy is “the power of understanding and imaginatively entering into another person’s feelings”. This does not mean the you excuse their attitude or behavior but do have empathy in communicating with such difficult people.

STEP 12 AND THE NEED TO DIG DEEPER THAN THE SURFACE

Managing difficult people requires that you are also prepared to go beyond the tip the iceberg. This means to go below the image people present and the actions that people show on the surface. To go underneath and to try and really understand why a person is behaving in a certain way.

What are the underlying motivations, reasons and feelings that result in how this person behaves towards you and others. When you go deeper you can sometimes understand why a difficult person is like they are. There are no guarantees at all. But always try and see below the surface when working with and managing difficult people.

THE FOUNDATIONS OF YOUR FUTURE SUCCESS

Using and taking on board these 12 steps is the foundation to ensure your success in dealing with difficult people in your personal life and in your working life, managing difficult people.

STEP 9 IN AIMING TO BE OPEN AND HONEST AND NO MUDDY WATERS

Do not get caught up in playing mind games and swimming in muddy water when Dealing with Difficult People. This will claim all your time and energy and divert your focus from actually dealing with people. Decide that your actual aim and goal to be as open and honest as you possibly can and keep the waters clean and clear.

Attempting to be deceptive will seriously damage your reputation with everyone else. Remember a good reputation can take years to develop and minutes to destroy. So don’t get involved in trying to play deceptive games, it is just too exhausting to be dishonest.

Be yourself and be clear, honest and open in all your relationships with people in your personal and working life.

STEP 10 IN ALWAYS BEING RESPECTFUL OF OTHER PEOPLE

Along with your determination to remain honest and open, goes the need to be respectful. Dealing with difficult people always stretches your ability to still be respectful towards these people that you find so frustrating and so annoying. But be aware, abusing other people and being disrepectful only confirms a lack of control on your part. Make sure to strive, no matter how very hard it seems to always be respectful in your communication in dealing with people, particularly those who truly stretch your patience to the limit. This does not mean that you put up with unacceptable behaviour from others. But it does mean that you do not resort to similar unacceptable behaviour as these difficult people.

TWO FINAL STEPS IN MANAGING DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Certainly difficult people do always make it a real challenge to remain honest, open and respectful. But this must be your own personal goal. Now in the next post we’ll consider the final two steps in your 12 steps in preparing and planning for managing difficult people.

STEP 7 IN LOOKING FROM THE OUTSIDE IN ON THE SITUATION

Try and step back and look at the situation from the outside looking in.  Difficult people can drive you to drink, so looking on as if you were an observer can be very helpful.  This will help you see the bigger picture in dealing with difficult people. 

Looking from the outside in allows you to work at seeing a wider perspective in the overall situation.  It also helps to you to detach a bit more emotionally from the situation and relationship with this person.  You can then start to think a bit more clearly about what you are going to do about the situation as if you were separate from the circumstances and able to give unemotional advice.

STEP 8 IN CHOOSING YOUR BATTLES VERY CAREFULLY

Too many of us in managing difficult people go into battle over everything.  This increases your anxiety, stress and frustration.  Decide carefully what issues you need to pursue and what you just need to let go.  Sometimes in dealing with difficult people, you see everything they do in a negative light.  You are then constantly fighting battles with them about everything.

SMALLER ISSUES THAT DID NOT BOTHER YOU

Smaller issues you would otherwise easily let go, now become part of a constant battleground.  Behavior in others that you would ignore, become a focus for you with this particular frustrating person.  So be determined to only choose the most vital and important battles to pursue.  Make sure to choose only a few well defined battles and not react to everything.

FURTHER IDEAS COMING IN HANDLING DIFFICULT PEOPLE

There are more ideas to come. In our next post we will discuss more steps from the 12 steps for you in managing difficult people.