Dealing with the Elements

Best Friends

2012-09-13T14:02:00.000-04:00

In memory of Billie Claire Haffey
March 7, 1957 - July 3, 2012

From "The Hubby" (aka Charlie Haffey)

Having a Best Friend opens up the rest of your life to anything and everything imaginable. Being able to trust that person and share your heart with no fear of judgement, ridicule or reproach is possibly the closest we can get to communicating with God Himself. Answers to your questions are honest and only to each other do Best Friends show their vulnerabilities.
Possibilities become probabilities. Dreams do come true !

Becoming friends:

Billie has been my best friend since we met some 22 years ago. I was slow to trust and love. I found it very difficult to believe that this girl could totally and completely be 100% head over heals in love with me. Billie would have it no other way. Any time I tried to "pump the brakes" on our relationship she would "hit the gas"! We've all heard the saying "Drive it like you stole it", well, that's pretty much how she stole my heart.

First comes Love, then comes Marriage:

Before we picked a date for our wedding, we wanted to be sure it was the right thing to do. so many considerations, mostly our children. And we were so financially broke. There were tax debts, eviction notices, bounced checks - neither of us owned a home (it would be 9 years before we bought our 1st home). Yet, we wanted our marriage to not only be right, but to be "in line with the stars" and to change not only our own, but everyone's life in our family for the better.

The Equinox:

On March 20th, 1993 the Vernal Equinox occurred at exactly 8:41AM in the morning. That was our time. Our place was a wedding chapel in a nature reserve built and hand painted by a dear friend of ours. With us were our children and some very close friends (no more than 10 or so). We exchange vows and balanced a raw egg
(to assure the planetary forces were in balance - GOOGLE Vernal Equinox for more info). It has felt right every day since.

Happily Ever After:

Happiness and good fortune seam to flow our way. We had a setback or two with the good fortune part, but the happiness is what carried us forward.

Billie could make me laugh like no other and for some reason she always found humor in my thinking and my jokes. She chose to be happy. I know now that it is in our own mind to choose to be happy, it's not up to someone or something else to decide that for us. Billie chose to be happy.

Fast forward to children getting married, grand-kids, more marriages, more grand-kids . . . our family grew with love and friendships.

We bought our 1st home together in Hobe Sound and two years later moved 21/2 blocks into another home with a Mother-In -Law unit in the back yard . . . . complete with the Mother-In-Law.

Billie LOVED to have the family over so she could try out all of her recipes. The food was not just delicious, everything she cooked contained a secret ingredient that made you full but had you craving more.

I tell you now so for those of you that cook you'll know how to win approval and admiration . . . the secret ingredient was LOVE.

I truly mean it. If the taste in her food was off just a bit, I KNEW that something was wrong with how she felt. We could always talk about it - sometimes with a few tears and sometimes a little loud - but I learned to taste her love! !

Billie would walk into a room and it was if someone turned on a special light. The room would light up and if you were in a bad mood you'd just have to leave the room if you wanted to stay that way.
When she smiled she would BEAM

The beginning of the end:
May of 2010 -

When she noticed a small, hard lump on her neck (it was a lymph node) we had it biopsied and learned she had developed a cancer that had already moved into stage 4, the final stage.
God gave us two more wonderful years with our friends and family which are, for the most part, documented in the pages of her blog.

We all know that our time here on earth is limited, but when you are given a "Last Call" there are certain realities that present themselves to you. Priorities change, relationships change and the TRUE meaning of life comes into question on a daily basis.

Billie Claire Cheek - Haffey did the very best that she could to live, love, laugh and share everything that she had, every ounce of love, with everyone that she knew and loved.
If you are reading this then this means you! !

She was my angel sent from heaven and to her I owe the rest of my life to honor the love and share all that I have learned from her. No matter the question, the answer is LOVE. Love yourself - you are worth it.

After her passing into her eternal bliss on July 3rd, 2012, our family and a few close friends gathered together to remember her life. She asked to be cremated and that her ashes be scattered at the beach, in the air, the flower garden . . . . she didn't care as long as she could be anywhere and everywhere.

We took her to the beach in Hobe Sound, a beach near Grayton Beach and to the place where we took our first steps as a married couple at the chapel in Hogtown Bayou.

She will be remembered always and the impact on our lives will have ripple effects for generations to come.

Thank you Billie . . . .
and thank you readers and to those that posted comments for lifting her spirits and giving meaning to her life in her final years. We were truly grateful for the support.

I believe we have all been blessed for having known and loved such a beautiful soul.

Not quite the big one....

2012-06-05T08:51:00.000-04:00

You need to know this and I am the one to tell you. I have pondered on it too much probably and thought... "Just spell it out".

You see, like I told you a little while back, I am not doing anymore chemo. My Oncologist... well, that is what he does, he gives you chemo. If he isn't giving you chemo you need to go to another doctor. In my particular stage of illness, that means Hospice. Now I know that sounds like putting the final nail in the coffin but not necessarily. They do work with a lot of people at their very end of life, 3 or 4 day gig and we have probably all been there. But this is a little different.

First of all, they all came and looked me over and asked what it was I thought they could do for me? Weird, I know, but after about the third person said something like that, I realized that even now, I don't look sick. I don't look the way I should look with the level of illness I have. I am just so purdy.
They seem to think I have a ways to go.
My numbers... short for CA-125 tumor marker numbers to determine the amount of growth...
have gone through the roof at 20,000.

I have hair! That certainly helps maintain some semblance of normalcy.

The last chemo I did, I went every day for a week. At the end of the 2nd week, all my gray hair fell out. I said that I told God I didn't want anymore gray hair and he answered my prayers. Gotta love that sense of humor don't you? Now my gray hair is all growing back and it looks almost normal.

Charlie is driving to N.C. to pick up my oldest grandchildren, Griffin and Alana... 12 and 8. They are going to stay with us for as long as I can keep them here. My only real problem is just getting so tired. And they aren't really used to me being tired. They are more used to me and Pop's being 12.
We had made all sorts of plans of things to do with them while they are here but now, I just want to look at their faces and try to picture them all grown and beautiful. They are so lovey dovey too and who doesn't need that? We will pile up in our bed with all kinds of junk food and watch movies and play games. It will be awesome.

4 yrs. ago at Nick and Kristen's wedding. I think I was boo-hooing.


They were so little!! And adorable!!

Anyway, I just needed to update you and I didn't want to. Sometimes this blog is so hard to write. Coupled with the fact that I am still trying to work and write their blog... I am double blogging. LOL! I have got to quit work soon. Priorities.

I love you all.
I know that last blog about my elephant was a wild blog. People really responded. I hope I didn't come off too mean or mad or anything.

Try to understand, please... I can't answer the phone each time it rings.
I can't reply to all emails.
I can go to the door each time someone knocks.
I really can't deal with extra company.
I always want to... but I can't.

It is time for me to be selfish. All selfishness is not bad. We should all be a little more selfish.

At this time, I want to be with my husband and close family. I hope you can understand.

I will try to keep writing as often as possible but my focus is to relax and be happy and enjoy my riches.

Oh, and you won't believe this one.

You know, my the son and daughter in law that have the 3 year old and just had twins in January......

they are having another baby.

Stunned and thrilled.

My 8th grandchild.

Special Providence.

I pray for peace in your heart, love in your every act, patience, understanding and hope for all your tomorrows.

What can you do?

2012-05-01T09:37:00.001-04:00

As I progress through this illness, this stage in my life... things change and I have to adapt to the changes. Now that I have gotten this far, I can look back and see how I felt and acted in the beginning. I see other new patients and see myself a couple of years ago, determined to make myself well. Eat right, exercise, love myself and make myself whole, filled with the white light and at one with God. That... and a bunch of chemo should do the trick.

Now that I have a few years under my belt, I have learned that while that is all well and good and how much the positive attitude helps, I realize that these are all just stepping stones in my life. These stepping stones are the little lessons I have to learn. And each patient has the same stones. I am progressing much the same as the rest of the patients progress. Each day I try to hold onto the idea that I can make myself better and I do, to a degree. But the bottom line is there is no cure.

Okay, this is the Cure... but they were a band in the 80's that I have no clue what happened to.

Every morning when I wake up I am faced with another day of cancer. There might be a nano second of not thinking about it, but there it is, in the middle of the bed... a big old elephant.

"Good morning, Billie. You didn't forget about me did you?"

"No you big fat ass elephant. Well, just for a moment maybe, but you make it kinda hard to forget don't you?"

"Hey... is that anyway to treat something that is this much a part of your life?"

"I never asked you to be a part of my life. I don't want you in my life or in anyone's life. Why can't you just give me a break and leave me alone for a while? Ever heard of remission?"

"LOL! Remission. I love that term. You know as well as I do what it means. It is just a lessening of symptoms... a "temporary" lessening of symptoms. I am not going anywhere without taking you with me."

"Yes, I realize that now. So, what's next? Are you just going to sit in the middle of my bed? I am tired of trying to kill you. I am frankly tired of looking at you everyday. I am tired of you crowding my life with your big ass self. You are always in the way! Every time I talk to someone it is you they ask about. I accept the fact that you aren't leaving but I am sick of you taking center stage. What a needy, center of attention stealing, disease you are."

"Be careful. I can get worse. In fact, I promise that I will."

"Well, tell me something I don't know. Tell me when and how."

"No can do, amigo. No can do. You will just have to ride it out like everyone else. But remember, I feed on your weakness. Your anger and your impatience makes me stronger. You have a strong will, but you are starting to crack a little around the seams."

"FUCK YOU!"

"Oppps, see. There you go and look at those seams!"

"I don't want you here anymore. I feel like I am dead already or may as well be with you always in my face. You're always in everyone's face that looks at me. It is too hard to live on the fragments of moments when you aren't here. I feel like that kid from Titanic, holding onto a scrap of wood to keep afloat, slowly freezing and trying to fight off the inevitable. I don't want anymore lessons. I have learned enough."

"So, you are ready to give up?"
-
-
-
"No. Not yet. Sorry. Just having a bad moment. Stick around. I will figure it out."

"Tick-tock, Billie."

"You really don't have to be such an asshole do you? Maybe one day you will become extinct."

"Not before you."

"Well, thanks for the heads up elephant. Now can I get on with my day?"

And that is how it is everyday.
And that is why I hate when people ask me how I am doing.
Or what the doctor said?
I still have it. It isn't going away. The doctor can't get rid of it. There is no cure.

Its not your fault. I have done the same thing before with friends that had cancer. I didn't realize what it does to the person with the cancer.

I live with this elephant every day. I don't have to carry it around on my shoulders. I can ignore it or accept it or just let it go. I try to let it go. But, it is really hard to ignore. And it is really hard for people not to ask how I am doing. Even though they really already know. But the elephant loves the attention.

So... now that I have thoroughly depressed everyone....

The pain keeps increasing and the drugs are helping to keep that at a tolerable level. Most of the time I feel pretty good. I am strong and holding my weight. I am trying to keep a positive attitude. I am trying to live instead of living to die.

Its weird though. Like I find myself not doing things because I might not be here to finish what I start. You always have to consider the elephant.

Should I buy a new car? Why not? Get a little convertible and race around town. Oh, but will the elephant fit? No, probably not.

Lets take a vacation and go to Italy. But, what would we do with the elephant? I can't leave it here. It has to go with us. It will never fit in a gondola.

How about lets just snuggle and act like bunnies?? Okay, but we still have fat ass right in the middle of us.

May 3 is National Prayer Day. If there is one thing I believe in, it is prayer. The only thing better than prayer is a lot of people praying all together. There is a huge power in that. I will be praying together with everyone on that day. (I will pray to have a better attitude, I promise.) I will pray for you and for a healing of the entire world. I will pray that you stop smoking and eat better foods and love each other with all you've got. I will pray that you realize how much you have to be thankful for. I will pray for your happiness and I will pray for patience and peace and hope.

What will you pray for??

Better than ever

2012-04-12T23:46:00.001-04:00

Charlie just wanted to watch the Masters....

But he took me for Easter dinner....

With our friends Rogers and Lynn...

The beach at Hobe Sound is gorgeous....

I am happy and feeling good!

The doc is monitoring my blood work and stuff. He is still encouraging me to try a little more chemo, not thinking it will really reduce the numbers by much but could help to slow things down a bit. We will talk about it more next week.

Things have just been a little hectic, and a lot of fun!! Sorry for not updating sooner.

Don't worry.
Be happy!
I do this for you ya know. I try really hard to squeeze all I can into each day.... for you (and me). I think that in my life so far, I have already loved more than most people get around to in a few lifetimes.
What holds them back? I just don't know.
Don't hold back.
Get up in the middle of the night and eat some ice cream.
Teach your 4 year old grandson how to squirt canned whipped cream in his mouth.
Love everyone.
Engage everyone you meet in some conversation. They were put in front of you for a reason. Don't take it for granted, figure it out!
Buy yourself some flowers.
Be a big tipper.
Go to the beach and breathe.
Or come see me and we will go to the beach and breathe. Did you know that one definition of breathe is "to live"?
Splurge on something for yourself. It doesn't have to be a lot... just something for you.
Go outside and get dirty!Allow yourself to be 6 years old, again.

During our last party,when Niles and Kara and the kids were here for spring break, we planned on everyone going to the beach and coming back to the house for a cookout. We had a big tent, tables and chairs for shade but then... out of no where... a big rain storm blew in. It poured! And like it does in Florida, it cleared up a while later and was gorgeous. Muddy, but gorgeous. No one seemed to care. the kids loved it. We all ate...sooooooooo much great food..... had dessert... with ice cream.. then sno-cones... Then... another deluge. It poured again but this time, the power went out! We lit a bunch of candles. My angel of a hubbie got the generator out and plugged in the refrigerators... and a fan for me! (what a guy) the kids all piled up on the sofa with me to watch Despicable Me on my laptop (with a great battery) and later... someone played monster in the yard while all the kids were running and squealing with their flash lights bobbing... having the time of their life.
I know I was.

This is a nice group shot of most of the crowd..

Griffin getting to know his youngest male cousin from Florida, Jonah.

Pretty cute, huh....

The sky is getting really dark, really quickly as the last storm moves in.....

What a great hugger.

Despicable Me on the laptop.... love this movie! And their faces.

A while later, after baths and clean pj's...in bed with Mimi and Pops, some of us watched the end of Despicable Me... others will have to live to play another day.

Sorry I have been so busy with work and playing that I have gotten behind in posting. You can see, I have been having a ball.
I promise to cut back on posting so many photos but every moment seems to be a Kodak moment.
Sending you all lots of love and happiness.

Thankful

2012-03-20T19:11:00.000-04:00

This illness makes you feel like you are always the center of attention. Not in a Miss America kind of way but more the unwanted center of attention.

People treat you differently and its not their fault.
Everything is different.
Your appearance changes, you have different feelings, you think differently and you do some pretty different tasks that you never did in the past like making sure you have enough Vicodin to get through the weekend cause it is depressing to hurt.

It is just kind of a depressing thing all together.

And I am so freaking sorry to pull everyone in to this quagmire of mine.

So, oh yeah, there is guilt too.

But you know what I've learned....

I have learned that when people all get together and...

oh i don't know... like...

throw you a surprise birthday party when you couldn't have least expected it or been more shocked...
I learned that at first, all the conditioned feelings jump up and you're just plain stunned.
When I walked into Nick and Kristen's home and a bunch of wanna be leprechauns all jumped out yelling "Happy Birthday!" Saturday night, I had a lump in my throat the size of Montana that I couldn't move. My heart pounded, my eyes got all watery and I was enveloped in love.

That is what I learned... that I am enveloped in love.

There are a lot of pictures on this post so cruise through and take a look

at what I have to put up with every day.

Isn't it wonderful??

Kristen and Amelia

Nick, James and Bogie

Ryan, Braden and James with green hair!

Ryan

Braden

Isabelle

Grace

Susie, aka Nini

I love you too!

Me and Kristen

My favorite picture of Jonah

No...wait.... this is my favorite picture of Jonah....

But then this is so adorable....

Nope. Definitely this one!

And these two faces....

All these faces!

It just keeps getting better...

Norman Rockwell couldn't come up with this stuff...

Jonah and Poppie

Poppie under cover....

My hero!

Beautiful faces I love.

My husband, Charlie, and I have never exchanged birthday gifts.
Or anniversary gifts.
All three dates are within a few days of each other, March 7th, 20th and 24th.

When we got married on March 20th, it was in a little 10 x 12 foot chapel that had been built by some friends of ours on a wetlands area near Destin, FL. The actual spot is called Hogtown Bayou if you really want to get romantic. Our kids were at the wedding with a handful of their friends... our little family that had somehow managed to find each other in the midst of almost complete chaos.
Charlie bought a new shirt and I wore an antique dress that I'd had for years...It sounds pretty but I could only find one shoe that I was supposed to wear and ended up wearing my Ked's. Charlie had a notary friend that performed the ceremony and he was awesome. And we balanced eggs on the alter. But I have already written about that.

I carried a bunch of wildflowers and I swear to you it was the happiest day of my life.

Back in the beginning, we were broke for sure and we worked like crazy and cooked lots of food and lived in more than modest housing... that we occasional were evicted from... but we managed to survive. And we had fun doing it. A LOT of fun. But Christmas was a challenge with so many boys that all needed so many toys.... and underwear and socks and hair cuts and Calvin Klein perfume. And then after Christmas... it was Nick and Ryan's birthdays and then John's and when March rolled around we were just forgetaboutit. Years later and we never started buying each other stuff cause we don't really care about birthdays and we celebrate being married practically everyday.

Anyway....we barely had money for a license much less a ring.
My step-father, Big Al, sent me a simple gold band as a present and that is what I have worn for going on twenty years, until Saturday night.

This year, my precious Hubbie was really tricky.

My first present from Charlie... tissues.

And then the wedding band Charlie had picked out for himself...

And then the ring that he picked out for me.

Dang, he got me!

Not only was I completely surprised by a birthday party on St. Pattie's Day... but my sweet Hubbie asked me to marry him... again... and gave me the most perfect ring in the world.

He told me it is an eternity ring.

I have had the hardest time writing this blog post.

My family and friends are so precious to me.

These guys have seen me through most of my weeks of writing this blog. They have been through the last two years of chemo and baldness, hope and fear.

They've seen past all the pity and then hurt and sadness to see just the real me.

And they have learned that its good to open up and tell people you love them.

Its wonderful in fact to do just that.

If this stupid illness could inspire people to share love more easily and understand the thin line that exists between life and death then great. Bring it.

I certainly feel loved. And so very happy.

Look at their precious faces. Have you ever seen more beautiful smiles? More adorable children? More love in one place at one time?

Thanks to all my crazy family, extended family and awesome friends.

I love you all so much!

Catching up

2012-03-11T20:00:00.000-04:00

There is this mockingbird that lives near my house. It is usually perched on the wire just outside our bedroom window. I love mockingbirds and have heard/read somewhere that they are the state bird of about 10 states so I am not alone in this. But I discovered a neat trick. Usually I will open the door or window and whistle a little while and it will eventually answer although it probably wonders what in the hell kinda bird I am. This morning I blew its mind. I found a recording online of a mocking bird so I opened all doors and windows, cranked up the volume and let it rip. My computer and my mockingbird were just singing there hearts out and it was a beautiful thing! Then, out of no where, my cat, Miss Gray who normally hardly leaves our bedroom... lazy cat....comes bounding into the room all alert, tail straight up... "Where's the bird?? I know there is a bird in here!!".

Then I made a whole bunch of buttermilk biscuits, a batch of yeast dough for herb rolls and cinnamon rolls, shaved the dog, and took a two hour nap! What a fine morning!

Okay so here is the other part of the story. I have hesitated to write about it and my precious Hubbie has recommended that I not... but I have written about everything else and it is all good. And I want to tell you what I am thinking.

The last three chemos I have taken haven't really done anything. Well, that is not quite true. They have done a lot of really bad things because that is just the nature of chemo. And I am not talking about "rounds" of chemo but the last three different types of chemo. This goes back to last October. I forget the names of the medicine and it doesn't really matter but the chemo they gave me then is what put me in the hospital. While taking chemo, a tumor grew in my abdomen. How can that happen?? Beats the shit out of me. So... after getting out of the hospital and recouping a while, they put me on another type of chemo for a few months. This one caused adverse kidney reactions. SO the next chemo they tried... was the one I just finished. I had it every day for a week. I handled it well and didn't feel too badly and my numbers... the test they do on my blood to see if the "c" is increasing or decreasing, went up. A lot. Like, they doubled. Plus, like most chemo, it depleted a lot of other stuff in my body like white blood cells, blood platelets, etc. Now, I love my oncologist and his nurse but when they got the test results they were shocked. They thought there was a mistake because there is no way my numbers could be so high and I could still go to work everyday and function as well as I was... so they re-tested. Still high.

Now, I am thinking, this stuff is not doing me any good and rather than just jump in there and start another type of chemo and yes, there are a few left to try... I am just going to take a break for a while and let my body get better. I talked with my doctor and he understands. I am not giving up. I just want to give my body a fighting chance and I need to let it get better to try again. You know an oncologist can't even recommend vitamins for you to take. Isn't that crazy? I take a bunch of supplements... vitamins, immune support stuff and I know it helps. That is why they can't understand how my numbers can be so high and yet I am still feeling pretty great. Hello!

That is the story. I feel pretty wonderful. I get a little tired, I rest. Is it risky for me to decide to stop taking any chemo for a while, yea probably, but that is what I am doing.

My oldest grand kids are coming for a week at the end of March and I am going to feel great when they are here. Not pukey and balding. Okay well maybe my hair is falling out a little but I won't be bald in 3 weeks, I hope.

I am going to work with my regular G.P., Dr. Milstein, who I adore... and with another friend of ours who is a R.N. We will do a bunch of evaluation of my blood and put me on a bunch of healthy supplements to build up what has been depleted. I will get better and then I will think about whether I want to do more chemo or not. But I am going to tell you right now, I am thinking, not.
If I have a few years left, I am not going to spend them feeling like crap and going from hospital to hospital and doctor to doctor and chemo to chemo. I am going to enjoy every second of every day and feel as great as I can. I will ultimately end up in the same place anyhow.

Are you with me on this?

Now, here is what I DON'T want. I don't want to be treated like the sick and dying girl... or old lady.(I keep forgetting my age!) I am not dead yet. I might be tomorrow. I might be in ten years. Who knows? No one and that is the point. So do not treat me like that, please. I am happy most of the time and feel pretty great.

I wish you could get a whiff of my house right now... I just took the herb rolls out of the oven and the aroma is unbelievable. Cinnamon are going in next. Wishing you were here.

Love you and love your support. It is what keeps me going. I promise.

No more words for now. Just warm thoughts I am sending to you with hugs and huge love.

TGIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2012-02-24T08:43:00.000-05:00

My final day of having chemo all week and yes it pretty much sucks but it is all okay. I haven't felt too badly and life goes on in a fairly normal way.

I get a transfusion today (5 hours) and then my final chemo for the week today (3 hours) and then I see my Doc for a follow up on Monday. I am not sure what he will want to do but whatever it is, I will do it. I like him.

Just wanted to give you a little heads up. I know you all like to call and email and I can't always get back to everyone and I feel bad.... I have been working all week too.... so please understand if I try to cover it all in this little blog.

I do still appreciate your every thought, prayer, concern positive affirmation, etc., much more than you know.

Your love and comments keep me going every single day. Don't forget it. You are my life line and my daily strength. Thank you so much.

Love and big hugs to all!!

2012-02-22T20:47:00.000-05:00

It is all okay.

The last test results weren't too pretty but its okay. I am feeling fine and doing the chemo thing everyday. I am still working.. at least trying to around appointments and more blood work and all the phone calls and text messages and emails.... but its all good.

I danced a lot today. Well... this morning I was listening to some fun dance music and shakin it. It was "Do you love me?" by The Contours..... just paste the link below into your browser.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXs_Cyrb3NQ&feature=related

Or maybe you prefer the dirty dancing versions....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x43vK0k6A2I

See, you didn't expect that did you?

Then on my way home I stopped at a little market and picked up some pretty sea bass and cooked up a nice little dinner. That was fun and now I am stuffed but happy and propped in my comfy bed with a bunch of fluffy pillows. A little tired but hell I have been running around all day!

Everything is great. Life is good! I love every minute of it!

Here are a few recent picture of my new twin grand daughters... Amelia, on the left and Scarlet.

Adorable aren't they??

Amelia is olive complected and has a head full of dark hair... to me she looks just like her mother, Sonya.

Scarlett looks totally different. I think a lot like her daddy, Ryan... but I watched a video of my hubbie when he was just a little baby the other night.... and she looks just like him! I swear!

Precious! With a full tummy and in her Pops lap.

Amelia looks like she has something to tell the World! I can't wait to find out what it is.

Just wanted to say howdy and let you know all is well.

Thank you for the continued support in each and every way. It is so appreciated. And it works. : p

With all my love to you.....

Damn... I hate to tell you this....

2012-02-16T17:14:00.001-05:00

I guess the best thing to do is just put it right out there.
I haven't been feeling well at all. I keep working because it takes my mind off not feeling well.
We did another PET scan on Tuesday. This test is about the best thing technologically, we have to see what cancer is doing in the body. You don't eat any carbs or sugars for 48 hours and just before the scan, they inject you with radiated glucose. The sugar in the glucose is attracted to cancer cells and with the radiation, it lights up on the scan anywhere there is a measurable amount of cancer.
I met with my Doc on Wednesday. It has spread to the liver, more lymph nodes in the abdomen and something about the kidneys but I stopped hearing much that was being said to me about there.
I got the news today that my CA-125, the blood work they do to determine the rise or fall of the ovarian cancer cells present, is on the rise and back up to where it started two years ago in the 4000 range. Remember that normal is zero to 15. Not too good.
So, what does that tell us? Well, the chemo I have been taking isn't working. So we start a new chemo on Monday and we are going to do it every day... Monday through Friday. Then we will take another look at the blood levels and make sure it is working.
No, its not a picnic, but at least I still have options.
I still love my doctor and you know what? He really cares about me. I love his nurse and same thing, she really cares about me.
I am trusting that they will do whatever they can to help me and if they can't, well... maybe I will take my precious Hubbie to Paris and kiss him under the Eiffle tower.
The prognosis is as yet unknown....and I have a crystal ball. (Damned thing doesn't work.)

I am so sorry. I really wish it could be all rainbows and unicorns... but life is tough sometimes and we just have to roll with it.

Amp up those prayers.. I know you will... and I will do my part. I will show up for chemo and keep a positive attitude and see what happens. I didn't write the script, I am just here playing this role. The ending is a mystery to us both.

Please know that I am not afraid. I am surrounded by love and support. Whatever happens, is okay. No whining, no sniveling, no negativity.
Do you hear me??

I am still one of the richest people in the world.

I found true love.

I lost one child and gained two more.

I have my Mom, who lives with me.

I have 4 wonderful children.

I am rich with my extended family, my sister, brother, daughters in law, and all their extended families, cousins, aunts, uncles, step-brothers, step-cousins, step aunts... it just goes on and on...

I have 7 grandchildren!

I have friends... not hundreds, but true, real friends that I love dearly and only wish I could express to each one of them how much they are loved.

I am by far, the richest person I know.

Check this out this link below if you can. I have seen many of the TED talks but this was so beautiful .I love macro photography and this captures a bunch in a video. Hope you enjoy it and thanks Nena for sharing.
Just copy and paste the line below in your browser.
I love you.
http://www.youtube.com/v/xHkq1edcbk4?version=3

Living life and loving every minute

2012-01-31T22:32:00.001-05:00

Time has been flying by and so much is going on... I have gotten way behind in my blog and I don't even know where to start.
My computer melted down.. so there is an excuse for the delay...so I bought super cool laptop. (yippee!) I had actually written a few posts and lost them all. And its hard for me to re-create a post. Plus it really ticks me off to lose them like that.

I have started back to work from home, part time, and that has been great... but I needed more income so I started another part time job close to home and let me tell you... two, 20 hour a week jobs means that you work about 60 hours. I know the math doesn't add up but that is what you do.

So, I have the two jobs but my original boss now wants me to come back full time. They had hired a couple of people but one left and there's lots to do and they need me full time... only now the people at my new part time job have gotten attached to me and they don't want to let me go and they are fighting to keep me. Its crazy. Flattering but crazy! Okay, I made a birthday cake and that clinched the deal. I do make a pretty good chocolate cake. So here is one of my co workers and my newest boss. They are really sweet.

Allow, allow, allow. Breathe and let it work out. It always does. : ) You can freak out if you want to but in the end, it will all work out just as it is supposed to.

Another blessing in my life, my son Ryan and his beautiful wife, Sonya, had twin baby girls on Sunday. (Do I have to call him my step-son when I love him like my own??) They are so beautiful and perfect and tiny and different and perfect in every way. (Yes, they are perfect... twice.)
Isn't the birth of a child about as close as we get to witnessing a real miracle on earth? I think so.

Meet Scarlett....

and Amelia.....

Their daddy, Ryan....

And my wife in law, Jo.

Life goes on and on. It is so amazingly beautiful. I got to see the girls tonight for the first time with my husband's ex wife and our son. That may sound odd to you but its not to us. She calls me her wife-in-law. I love my husbands ex wife. She is an awesome woman and has always been a great friend to me. Her son is my son and since he is a twin too, I appreciate the fact that she brought them into the world. Boy do I appreciate that!

I am feeling pretty well. Chemo last Thursday. Had a little rough weekend and back to work on Monday. Twin baby girls to see Tuesday. How can I be anything but happy??

We will do a PET scan in a couple of weeks and see what my innards look like. The chemo I am on now is tolerable. The doc wanted to amp it up and use a stronger chemo because I can tolerate it but I whined. I have hair. I feel pretty good most of the time. I like feeling a little more normal. He relented. So in a few weeks we will see what the scan says and go from there. Cross your fingers and toes.

Count your blessings my angels. They are there. Be careful with your words. Choose them wisely. My Hubbie said that he prayed for patience and now God puts every slow, 80 year old driver in Florida right in front of him. LOL!
He is right. That is how it works. You don't learn patience any other way. Or anything else for that matter. I appreciate my lessons. I am leaning. I don't want to have to go to summer school.

I don't look happy but I am!! A little pooped... and I didn't know my hubbie was taking a picture.... so sorry... but look, I have hair! Yipppeee!!!

LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE!!!!!

Allowing

2011-12-31T12:36:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the delay in posting.

We have all been so busy and I am so glad to sit quietly sometimes and just think for a while. Drink a cup of tea. Leave off the television and ignore electronics in general. I love putzing around the house.

I find myself talking to the television. Example: I just caught myself telling a woman on TV, that I don't know, what an idiot she was for choosing the 4 bedroom penthouse in Kuala lumpur rather than the 3 bedroom with an indoor/outdoor pool.

Kuala Lumpur and why should I care?

You know what that is?
Judging.

And I am not saying that we need to stop being judgmental, but you can notice that when your mind is occupied with judging, you aren't really living in the moment. You aren't really here.
Your somewhere else like... Malaysia.

If you don't believe it, trying having a conversation with someone who is really into a football game on TV.

Judging puts us in a state of mind where everything is either good or bad. That keeps us busy.
We feel we are in charge of constantly determining every event in every moment and judging whether it is good or bad. Rather than it just is. Trust me, I am as guilty as anyone. But you can chose to turn off the TV. And leave off the music. Sit quietly and enjoy a few moments right now. Facebook will still be there.

In this moment, I feel great. I am comfy in my home with my Hubbie, dog, cats and Mom. It's a beautiful day. It is almost noon and I still have on PJ's and fuzzy slippers and Big Al's old, soft, blue robe.
I am just here.

Rather than categorizing every event as either a bad or a good, try to just be here now, in this moment.

What I’m feeling is much more helpful than why something isn’t what I think it should be.
Even if I wish to change the situation of the moment, it’s far more useful to allow it without any judgment... and then notice everything I can about it.
And really appreciate it.

I just read something about being grateful. Do we sit at a Christmas dinner table, with a beautiful plate of food and say, "Wow, that is a great plate of food" or do we consider everything that goes into the entire process of raising a pig, or a turkey or a cow... manufacturing, processing, all the separate ingredients from all over the world? You might include the hundreds of generations who bred and improved the plant varieties to make your perfect green bean casserole. What about the oven and the utensils... the grocery store and all the different vendors that supply them with all the millions of items we all need. And the plate... where it came from how it was made what was required to make it, how many hands were involved in the entire process just to give you a "Wow" plate of food. Its a lot when you really consider all there is. I thought I was being pretty damn thankful til I read that.

Being grateful opens your heart. When you stand in a circle with your family, holding hands and saying a prayer, before a wonderful holiday dinner, your open heart is connected to all the open hearts in that circle. It is so strong and beautiful that I always tear up. But, there is more. When you are joined together like that, you are connecting to all the open hearts there are. And nothing is better than being in that moment.
Keep it going.

Dale Carnegie, once wrote:
“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon—instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.”

Third round of chemo down yesterday. Feeling pretty great.
Feeling your love, always gets me through it all. Thank you, thank you. I am so very grateful.

Old friends

2011-12-06T09:29:00.001-05:00

I had the sweetest email from an old friend of mine. Cheryl and I developed a close friendship while working together for several years. She had created from nothing but hard work and determination, a magazine. It was very much like Architectural Digest, but on a localized, St. Petersburg /Tampa, Florida area. It was a great vehicle within which to reach that high end prospective clientele interested in home design and construction. Every high end furniture store, designer, builder etc., wanted to advertise in her publication.I both bought advertising from Cheryl and later wrote several articles for the publication. I loved doing both.

After about 9 years, Cheryl began to have normal business and personal complications of life. A perfectly wonderful business floundered. A very close and deeply personal friend of hers died a pointless and painful death. Life became to her an out of control, downward spiral.

Been there?

I read an email from her this morning and she quoted an old Bob Dylan song. I had to go to Youtube and play the entire song, right then.

Hi Billie,

How are you today? Life is so good and bad, isn't it? I am not religious but I have my days where I feel like Job from the bible and have to ask, "Just how much more before I can have my old life back?" And then I realize that is never going to happen. I had to close my business at the end of 2007 due to the Florida economy falling into a black hole. I still deal with the pain, sometimes pretty bad, of a botched surgery in 2005. Brian died in 2006 and he's not coming back, nor is my beloved cat Boogie who is one of the best friends I've ever had. Everything I thought was essentially 'etched in stone' in my life has changed. And then I read the last paragraph of Bob Dylan's, "It's all over now baby blue" and felt really encouraged.

"Leave your stepping stones behind, something calls for you.
Forget the dead you've left, they will not follow you.
The vagabond who's rapping at your door
Is standing in the clothes that you once wore.
Strike another match, go start anew
And it's all over now, Baby Blue.. "

I so understand what you said in your blog about work. Work is good for some like you and I who derive a real sense of worth in giving to the world in our own small way through our work. and work is an old friend that is a constant through the changing times.

Sometimes life can feel like you are totally being punished. Devastating. But Cheryl was handed some hard lessons that only someone who is able to handle would receive. These lessons are a gift to her. She is constantly growing and learning from them. She feels the loss of things that are never really lost, but she is determined to move forward with her lessons and keep going. She is a joy to watch.

Someone asked me the other day if I felt like I was being punished.
No, not at all. In fact, just the complete opposite. I think all my prayers are answered. Who doesn't want to be a better person? My prayers are not for new bedroom carpeting or to make me cancer free. My prayers are to be a better person. Give me strength and courage. Let me help my friends and families through this. Show me.

You just don't "get" courageousness in a pretty package all wrapped up with a big bow. You have to be subjected to elements that bring out your courage; the courage that is already within you that you just have to find. Without the lessons, you don't even know its there. If you don't know that you need it, you are never going to go looking for it are you?
You aren't handed strength. You have to want it badly enough to do the things to strengthen yourself.

Dear God,

Please fix everything in my life, make me pretty and financially secure with lots of good friends, and all the materialistic things a good life should contain, according to Vogue and Traditional Home Magazines.
And Please God, I don't want to have to work or suffer for anything.

Oh, and you better throw in some appreciation with all that cause I can't seem to come up with enough of it on my own.

Thanks God

I don't think the answer to that prayer would be what that prayee has in mind at all. But that is how we all are to a degree. We do want all the stuff but it is hard to go through the shit to get to the "Oh, I get it now!" part.

I have been given nothing but blessings. Everyday may not feel that way but I know this. It is the gift of courage and strength. You are never handed something you didn't ask for. So get up off the pity potty and rise from confusion to peace. Sadness and joy sit at the same table. When sadness gets up and leaves the table, joy sits down.

There is nothing that is going to happen to you that your own soul hasn't created. Allow it. Believe in yourself. Listen deeply.

Second round of the newest chemo is done and I am feelin O'Tay! Numbers had come down after the first round by about 30%. I'll take it.

Back in the saddle again....

2011-11-28T07:16:00.001-05:00

Today I begin again. My life has been on hold for weeks it seems and today, I am going to meet with my employer and start to get things back on track. It feels good and I am nervous. Silly, I know but I could hardly sleep.

I cannot remember a time since I was a kid when I didn't work. Not being able to go to work or earn a living does something bad to you. (It also does something really bad to your bank account and that only makes things worse.) I know my self worth isn't based upon my income, or my car or my clothes etc., but damn... working is an old habit/responsibility that always kept me going when I didn't really believe I could. And not being able to do anything but shuffle around the house made me feel like a useless lump. I am excited to get back to work and contribute something besides homemade soup and apple butter.

So, if you are getting ready for work today and thinking you wish you didn't have to.... and sure we have all done that countless times... just remember to be thankful that you can work.

Work is love made visible.

And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy.

- Kahlil Gibran

I am so appreciative that while I have been off, I have had my little sanctuary here for my recuperation and my Hubbie to spend almost everyday with me. We have never had the chance to spend so much time together on a daily basis. That part has been incredibly awesome. Of course, we both felt pretty poopy and guilty for being here and not doing the countless chores that always need done to your home but, that is okay. Chores will always be there.

Some days it has just been so hard to get up. On many of those days, I will come to this blog and read your past comments. What a tonic. Your words continue to inspire me each and every day. I really can't thank you enough.

Here is a little more from Mr. Gibran... a favorite poet of mine and countless others... It explains better than I can, how I love you.

Hope your day is perfect in every way.

On Love

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Monday, Monday

2011-11-21T09:32:00.001-05:00

It has been a long few of weeks. Me in and out of the hospital, Charlie with his Back surgery and me starting back on chemo. Never a dull moment around here!

Truthfully, I am fine. This new chemo was not so bad and I feel pretty normal.

Charlie on the other hand is not so great. The problem with back surgery is that once you have one its like playing Jenga with your spine. You have a bulging disc, they do a little surgery to remove the bulge and this collapses the disc causing extra pressure on the next one. Charlie has had about 5 surgeries. Afterwards, they build up scar tissue, bone spurs, calcify, bulge again etc. So he is dealing with several levels (of hell). This last surgery was minimally invasive and the removed a lot of scar tissue, bone spurs etc. But, only on one level. He will have to go back at least one more time to get any real relief from his pain. They only work on one level at a time. And it does fill like you are one of the herd. The doctors and nurses were all well qualified but everything has gotten to be rote. They don't really listen. It is easy to see. They fold their arms over their chest, they look at the ceiling or worse, close their eyes. They don't engage in what you are saying to them but just allow you the time to spit it out. They are condescending in their response. And they get paid a bunch of money. What a racket.

But.... I am thankful. We may not be in such great shape, but we are together and that certainly helps. We try to keep each other going. When I am blue, he helps me and vice versa. So far we haven't had a day when both of us were down.

TV sucks though... just had to say it.

Thanksgiving is around the corner. It is my favorite holiday. All the food and none of the pressure of spending money you don't have to buy presents no one will really want. (Whoa... that sounded pretty Scroogey!)

I have apple butter cooking in the kitchen and the whole house smells wonderful.

So, that is the update for today.

Thank you for being there for me. I appreciate you so much. Your comments and prayers and love and hugs get me through each day with more happiness than you can imagine.

Love you

Are you listening??

2011-11-14T09:19:00.001-05:00

Dear God,

Please take care of my Hubbie today while is is having back surgery. He is the most wonderful husband, father, grandfather, son in law and friend to so many people. He has had to suck up his back pain for so long while I have dealt with my issues... the ones you already know all about. Please just take care of him and help him to recover and feel better quickly.

Thanks for all the help you have given us. I know I am a little person and can't see the big picture... the forest for the trees, you know... I am sure there is a plan and that I had a big part in designing it. I believe my life was written, something like a play, before I was ever born. Thanks also for the free will to try to accept what I have to deal with and to to try maintain a happy, positive attitude through it all.

Please help my kids and my friends and family who are hurting with me as I go through this scene of my life. It is so hard on everyone else too.

I know its not over until its over. I am giving it my best shot. Ultimately we know the ending to all of our stories but I don't want to try to do your job. I will just keep showing up and doing the best I can and maintain as positive an attitude as I can. And if I can't quite get there today, I will try again tomorrow.

I am sure I will be talking to you on Friday when I start my next cycle of chemo. Until then, forget me and take care of Charlie, please.

I love you,
Billie

Time

2011-11-06T22:34:00.001-05:00

Time has been at a stand still. Days are rolling by and one is just like the next. Waiting and waiting for things to change, test results to come in, Doctors to confer, etc. Hoping that the situation will improve and accepting what is. Or at least, trying to.

Charlie, aka Hubbie, has not left my side in the last 3 to 4 weeks. Its not that he just wants to be close to me... but he has some major back trouble too. And he wants to be close to me. Seriously, he is planning to have a minimally invasive back surgery in about 10 days. He has had several surgeries before and they are hoping to give him relief by removing any built up scar tissue. We are quite the pair. And even though I feel like crap, look like crap and probably smell like crap... he makes me feel like a queen. And he is in more pain than I am, pretty sure.

Thursday I had a PET scan done. It is a pretty cool test actually. You can't eat any carbs, sugar or caffeine for a couple of days and then they inject you with a dose of radiated glucose. This is immediately drawn to any cancer and lights up in the test. It showed the the obstruction I am dealing with is a tumor. Now the odd thing to me is that this little bugger popped up while I was going through the last two rounds of chemo. So, I am confused and I don't much like it. I see my oncologist tomorrow. And I have another test on Tuesday which is what they need to see exactly what and where they are dealing with surgically. I have to drink about a quart of some noxious fluid that tastes like liquid lemon pledge. They refer to it as "Pina Colada". They have a strong imagination.

Anyway, that is the story for now as far as I have it. Lots of unknown. Lots of homemade soup in the kitchen. Lots of time frittering away. I have never been much of a fritterer. Rainy days aren't so bad but when it is so beautiful outside, I feel so guilty. Its terrible. I can't remember not working. And for now, I just can't go back. I can't even plan when I will be able to. The people I work for are so kind and tell me I will have a job when I want to come back.

No benefit in worrying about things. I know. And I know, as many of you point out to me... almost daily, that it is okay for me to kick and scream and say how much it all sucks. I have my moments, trust me. But for the most part, I am just hanging here in limbo, waiting to see what will unfold and trying to remember that it is just the way life goes. I have been handed a hell of a plate to deal with and somebody must think I am capable. So I have to believe I am too. That is what I hold on to. That and my sweet husband and all your loving thoughts, prayers, comments, love and hugs. I am holding on.

2.5 weeks

2011-10-31T21:04:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago I had to go into the hospital for a tummy irritation that wouldn't leave me alone. We deduced this was a reaction to the newest chemo.
They labeled me with colitis, a basic inflammation of the lower intestine, wouldn't give me any food to eat. Pumped me up full of drugs and saline and left me in a small room with a remote control.

A week later, I appeared better to the doctors and was released to complete recuperation in my nice, soft, fluffy bed with my Hubbie, dog and cats, where I belong... at home.

No, this is Angelina Jolie, pregnant with twins. But I felt like this.

Another week later and I was back in the ER with a stomach obstruction. This time I enjoyed another 6 days of more.... intense tests, stronger drugs... (opiates, whew the dreams), with no food for another week, daily looking more and more like a pregnant middle aged grandma. They ended up performing a surgery to allow me to continue to live and giving them the time to allow me to heal so they can go back and remove whatever obstruction there is.
They think it could be a few things.. but they just don't know so this time I am going to ask for a zipper.
Next week they plan to do laproscopic surgery to remove it. Or a laproscopic "look around" and determine what to do at a later date.

Of all things, I never thought I'd end up with a blog where I sat around talking to people about my bowels, but here we are.

I apologize for the gory details but I figured, it is Halloween after all so what better time?! Trust me, I could share some episodes over the past week alone that would be hilarious in retrospect, but Lord, at the time I was wondering just exactly when I had died and gone straight to hell.

The truth is that I learned something pretty significant. Pain is a game changer. You can't remember not being in pain when you are in pain. All you can think about is pain. And take all the medication they give you so you will sleep yourself away in opiate dreams, waking to the big clock face on the wall in front of you. Page the nurse, "More pain meds, please". And on and on. It just makes you a little crazy.

I am sorry I didn't call more people or answer more calls, etc. I just didn't want to talk to anyone. I know you want to do something but really... I just gotta be left alone to recoup.
My angel of a husband, the man of my dreams, my hero and strength through all, never hardly left my side.

Now I am at home. I am feeling worlds better.
I feel like I have traveled through worlds to get here tonight, from where I was 2.5 weeks ago. But I am better. I am resting as much as possible and getting stronger every day.

I have to.
I have a few more things to take care of before I can get this behind me. But get it behind me, I will.

Keep those hugs coming.......... I feel them all the time and hope you are picking up mine too.

It is all relative

2011-09-30T13:12:00.000-04:00

While waiting for my chemo appointment the other day, I noticed a woman behind the desk. She was talking with her co-workers and my ear perked up because she was hard to understand.

"Is she deaf" I wondered, but no, she wasn't hard of hearing.

The co-workers were able to understand her pretty well so she'd apparently been there a while. I was struggling to make out what she was talking about and then I caught on. She was talking about not being able to eat anything... but having to drink all food through a straw. She'd had cancer and they had to remove her tongue.

Now pause right here and let that soak in for a minute.

Now, I don't know about you but that is some sobering shit right there. It is down right harsh. But there she was, working and volunteering to help patients at the cancer center.

Oh I count my millions of blessings everyday. I have my own situation to deal with but I am fortunate in so many ways. We all are.
So, the next time you think, "Poor Billie" remember this woman. I know I will.

LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!

Wish you were here...

2011-09-29T11:32:00.000-04:00

I am making cinnamon rolls this morning.

They warm my heart and soul and make my belly roll
with their sweet, fragrant comforting goodness.

I wish you'd come over and we could have some hot cinnamon rolls with some tea or coffee. We could watch goofy old movies and yak about nothing for hours. Laughing about old times, things we have done together.

Maybe I haven't seen you for awhile, but I am still with you all the time. I still feel you close to me.

I have years of memories of you and me stored up that I like to revisit sometimes. I can burst out laughing over any number of things that have happened just at the thought of them.
Sometimes I have feelings of regret too. Things I should have done or said... maybe even a few I shouldn't have done or said. But I sweep those under the rug where they belong.

Today I am thinking of you, often and with great fondness. Appreciating your existence.
With love..........and plans to diet soon. Billie

P.S. These aren't my photos...although I swear mine look just like this!! I just didn't have time this morning to take any whilst making mine... If interested, visit my favorite blog, thepioneerwoman.com (thank you Joni Clair!) and check out "cinnamon rolls 101". You can curse me later.

Weekends

2011-09-26T08:17:00.000-04:00

I love the weekends. I hate to wish time away, but I love the weekends so much it is hard to have 5 days of work be anywhere near as much fun. Here are just a few pics so you can see why.
Hope your week is WONDERFUL!!!

"Lazy day, Sunday afternoon, like to put your feet up, watch T.V. Sunday roast is something good to eat, must beef to day cause lamb was last week.

Ah, the proverbial pot roast on Sunday

Strawberry & Blackberry Pie

Jonah likes Birdie's wet nose

While feeling a little indignant, Birdie delicately observes...

And submits


A little later, Jonah takes a trip to pillow land. Our bed and pillows, our bedroom in general is like a tonic. It will force you ever so gently to take a nap .

I encirlcled him with cool sheets inside a fluffy pillow enclave and stretched out across the bed at his feet.He was tired and whimpered for a minute or two. He'd raise his little head up and look at me or kick me with his sock foot, making sure I was still there and plop his head down again, drunk with sleep.

Little swimming pools filled the corners of my eyes cause I loved him so much.

"So full up bursting at the seams, now its time to nod off happy dreams."

I know, I know. He has the longest eyelashes ever and those lips to boot. Like a baby duck.


This must be French Batman, with the beret. He played and ran around for the entire morning.

An unfortunate cape accident caused a bump and an ice pack for the head.... and a spider-man band aid, and watermelon.

"Lazy day, Something good to eat. Now its almost over until next week."

Have a great week...thanks for the notes, cards, walks on the beach, emails, texts and all you all do to make me feel happy. It works! Round two of four on Thursday. Halfway through already!

This pretty much sucks so at least there is room for improvement

2011-09-16T11:38:00.000-04:00

Coming storm

Last weekend was an interesting weekend. All the 9/11 stuff on the TV and on every one's mind and heart. I am sure it had a lot to do with that heavy in the heart feeling I have had.
The truth is, I haven't forgotten 9/11 but I don't need the media to see how they can pour salt into an old wound and rub it. What have we learned from the atrocities? Are we worse than before? Are we still filled with hate towards people? Does this hate help?

I read that we should hold our anger like a mother holds her new born baby.

Remember the few weeks after 9/11?
Were you a little gentled down? I was.

I was nicer to other people and they were nicer back. We looked at each other more like brothers and sisters. We are all connected to all people. No exclusions.
We all have the memory of the moment of the first plane crash and we will never forget. Loved ones or acquaintances or total strangers that fell victim to these attacks , my heart ached as if they were my own brothers and sisters, because they were. It was horrible.

When the pendulum has swung to the darkest point of the darkest side, we call foul and decide that the system is wrong. Our limited ability to see and comprehend has us believing that if we can't make sense of it then it must be wrong.

We can't see the big picture, so we decide that its all messed up. This world is just all messed up. But it isn't. It is all beautifully and horribly perfect.

The kid that gets in an accident and loses his arm to grow up to be a famous baseball player. How horrible, how awesome. The mother who loses her baby and later marries a man with 2 babies. The black, white, right, wrong, good, evil. All the same. We can't see with our limited vision, the perfection of every act.

The pendulum swings both ways but this is harder to grasp than 7th grade algebra when you are caught up in it.

Paste this link in your browser. Its a good one!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzHTyxc7o30

Let it go.

I let go. I let what ever will come, come. I embrace what is. (okay, I am working on it) I know I am perfect in every way and that life unfolds in perfection. (I am working on this too) Sometimes perfection comes dressed as a horrible monster. We are blinded to seeing what is before us as we strain to understand. I don't know why I have an illness to deal with right now. It sucks. It hurts and makes me feel simply less than I think I should.

But here I am.

This past chemo, already a week ago, has been the hardest yet to deal with. And trust me, it is hard to not want to give up. Staying in the moment, no matter how bad the moment, will get you to the next moment and then the next. And really, that's all we've got. And I am going to deal with it the best I can. Three more rounds to go and I should be done by mid November.

Loving you all and appreciate you being there with me. What a joy to know you are out there.

Thanks.

Here we go!

2011-09-04T13:22:00.000-04:00

Okay, so we start chemo again on Thursday. This time with a slightly different chemo cocktail. My Doc thinks that maybe this one will work a little better to get my blood level numbers down a little more and maybe give me a longer vacation after we are done. He is hoping for 4 rounds, every three weeks and that may be all we have to do this time, but we'll see. This new drug is much stronger. I am, comparatively speaking, in much better shape than most of his patients. He thinks I can handle it physically. The side effects will be stronger as well and chemo makes you feel like shit. But its not that bad. Queasy, achy, tired... I can handle it. I am just going to need to rest a lot more. And keep a happy frame of mind. Its a challenge. Am I up for it?? Yep.

A long time ago, I had a baby boy. He was perfect in every way. It was a great pregnancy. I was healthy as a horse and didn't take so much as a Tylenol through out the entire ordeal. It was a natural child birth too. Just perfect. A couple of weeks after he was born, he became very sick. He'd picked up an airborne virus, probably in the hospital. He developed encephalitis. The infection had settled in his brain. He lived for three years. A few weeks after he died, I received a letter that I will never forget. It was anonymous. It was several pages from some religious wacko telling me that I had done something so horrible in my life that I needed to repent for and that was why God was punishing me in this way. This is a prime example of why I have been so turned off to "religion" for so long. I don't need to "accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior" because I believe that 2000 years ago, before Jesus, there was still spirituality. There was and still is an energy that connects us all as one. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Jesus, but I love all religions, all teachers.

My son was a gift. I was privileged to have had him in my life. To have him choose me as his mother and whose love still keeps me going on a daily basis. He is still very much with me. It took me a while, but I got there. It wasn't a punishment at all but a very precious gift. Greater than anything I can think of.

Now I have another privilege. It is not a damnation but a blessing. You know you are going to die but you don't realize it as much as I do. I am a little bit more awake.

I am a little less concerned with meaningless, material things and more with the real stuff.
Honesty, integrity, respect, grace and love.
This is a privilege. A blessing to have and a relief too. I waste less energy on the fluff and focus more on the real deal.
Of course I get mad. Mad as hell at times. Made as hell that others don't get it. I want to beat them over the head and say, "Hey dummy, why don't you wake the hell up and stop taking everything for granted!!" But I work on myself. I send love to the ones that really piss me off. And I double up on the ones that never do.

This little baby was born waaaaaay early. His mommy was in a car accident and they and to deliver him. I can't remember the exact details but he was about 2.5 months early and I believe he weighed less than 1 lb. He is perfect and adorable in every way. And his mommy is too. I see him as a blessing. His mommy must be a pretty special person to have been handed this to deal with.
Its all a matter of perception.

I love you so much. And I always will.

You only think I haven't been writing....

2011-08-31T19:48:00.000-04:00

Truth is, I have written several posts and just not posted them. Well, 8 to be exact.

Writing is a way for me to get stuff out of my system. I get out the anger and humiliation. The bitching about insurance companies and the people that work for them. The frustrations of feeling like crap and going to work anyway, and bringing bagels and pastries.

I think about things and purge them. Then I go on for a few days sometimes and write and purge some more.

My numbers, the blood work with which they gauge the level of C in my system has been on a steady incline and is now to the point where they want to start me back on chemo. Probably next week. It is just the way it goes. Otherwise, we'd have a cure, take chemo once and be done with it.

There is actually a ton of new stuff they are doing with all types of cancer these days. Incredible molecular things that would blow your mind.

I am reminded by many, many people that there are lots of alternatives to chemo out there.
I know. Thanks so much and I know you mean well but you are going to have to trust me on this, I do know.
I have read about a ton of things. Probably more than you'd think. I know that you want to help but you need to understand, from coffee enemas to gorging on grapes to you just wouldn't believe it all........ that no one can try everything.
I know it is a burden for you to walk with me through this time of my life but I truly treasure every moment
that I spend with you. The love that I feel from you fills me with the best of everything I need.

Here is my cure. I try to keep myself living in the moment. This one moment, right here.
Yes, I slip. A lot. But I try to snap out of it, quit dwelling in my ceaselessly yammering mind and see what a great moment I can be in right now.
That's it. That's my cure.

One has to make choices and I have made mine. I have a great doctor and I like him. I trust him to take care of me.
Chemo worked before and it will probably work again. I actually sort of breezed through it. What ever. If I don't breeze through it and I croak, after all the obvious souls I want to see, I am going to hang out with Rodney Dangerfield. That is why I continue to work on all my dance moves. And really, if I believe all the stuff I claim to believe, and I do, then I am not going anywhere. Where would I go? Skin and bones may be gone but I will still exist as I always have existed. You aren't getting rid of me that easily.

If you are there, reading this, I love you. Just want you to know. And thanks. From the bottom of my heart, thanks.

You're awesome.

Check it out

2011-08-04T22:03:00.001-04:00

I get so many calls, emails and texts from friends and family telling me they can't leave a comment. I think because this blog is a Google blog that you may have had to have a gmail account to comment but... I have changed the settings on the comment thingy and I believe that anyone should be able to leave a comment. I am not technically that savvy but this is the diagram I used.... JUST KIDDING!

Please, oh please, for me... leave a comment when you can. You have no idea how much I love, appreciate and need them. And so does the rest of the world... or at least the part of the world that reads this blog. To date,there have been 7,493 people who have read my blog. Not individuals... but just how many times it has been read... but still... that is a lot. To me, anyway. And if you ever think there is someone who might benefit from reading it, by all means, share the thing.

Here is one comment from a dear friend of mine and my Hubbies... He and his wife and the two of us have spent a bunch of time together and had a ball over the years.

Billie,

I enjoy reading your blog. I would respond to it there but for some reason I can't get the response thing to work. I think I am a fairly intelligent being but I must be generationally challenged when it comes to computer stuff.

Anyway I need to take exception to your last entry. I have known you for a long time now and I think I know you fairly well. So what I have to say carries some weight. You DO look good! You have always looked good and you always will look good! The packaging is great but your spirit shows through too so the overall effect is very impressive!

Anyway, that's what I have to say.

Love you Billie,

Charlie

How sweet is that?? How could I have a bad day after reading this comment???? No way!

There are many more, but you get the idea. Please check it out and let me know.

Saturday my Hubbie and I are driving to Savannah to meet my eldest son, his wife and their two kids, spend the night, eat at Paula Deen's I hope and then we will bring the kids back to W. Palm for a week with us. I am so excited I can hardly stand it.
Paula Deen and I have a lot in common. A lot of BUTTER!

XOXOXOXOXO,
Billie

Sometimes people can really piss me off

2011-07-31T20:26:00.000-04:00

It is odd to me that at the most inopportune times, people will sort of demand, loudly, to know how I am doing. Not people that I know well... but acquaintances... people that I only know superficially.

When I say that I am great., they continue to probe and ask

"Really, are you really okay?".

This happened to me at a social gathering recently. I was in a strange home with about 50 people I didn't know and I found myself on a petri dish being examined by total strangers. After the third probing "are you okay really?? " the other total strangers sitting near me turned and leaned in a little to hear my answer.

Ewww, what a yucky feeling. I am never sure what I should say and sometimes my attitude isn't so sweet and my fuse isn't so long.

So... what came out after the third time this person asked if I am really, really okay was,
"If I weren't, this wouldn't be the time or place I would discuss it."

I thought of an old friend that used to say that I had the ability tell someone to fuck off and they'd never even realize it.

I felt guilty for saying that, but really?? I know, it was rude and she was just being nice and acting like she was genuinely interested. And its not that I have a problem talking about it but inappropriate is inappropriate.

The next thing she informed me was, "Well, you look good."

That dreaded line. How I hate it.
Reading between the lines it sounds more like, "Well, you look good, for someone with cancer."

This person looks good. I do not remotely resemble this person.

I have always been a private person. I am social and outgoing and talk to everyone, so most people don't notice... but very few people ever really get to know me deep down inside. And just because I have gone through a bad spot doesn't give people who really don't know me the right to probe. They don't really want to know anyway. I am just not sure what they expect me to say.

There isn't a cure for cancer. I am doing as well as I possibly can. It is hard as hell to get up most mornings and face the day with a smile. But I try. And I look for all the things that I have in this day that I am thankful for and there are millions of them.

I know that I usually post something a little more positive but just so you know... I am not always positive.