... sex advice for the modern player...

Sticky Situations

Administrator — Thu, 10 Nov 2005 00:00:19 +0000

Dear Amy,

I heard you can tell when you are fertile by the stickiness of your vaginal fluids. Is this true — and if so, how can you tell and how accurate is it?

Sticky Girl

Dear Sticky,

It is possible to detect certain patterns in fertility through the texture and quality of cervical mucus. I’m totally for the idea of women getting in touch with their bodies, including how things feel inside their vaginas. However, this is not a foolproof method for determining fertility, and I recommend talking things over with your hopefully sex-positive gyno. Planned Parenthood has great information on the cervical mucus method here.

Enjoy,
Amy

Porn Star Dreams

Administrator — Thu, 15 Dec 2005 02:12:24 +0000

Dear Amy,

I am an Indian male interested in acting in porn movies. My peculiarity (or problem) is that I often take a very long time to ejaculate, often about one hour, sometimes never. Usually I stop when my partner starts feeling pain after several orgasms, even though I have not come. This nature makes me an ideal candidate to be a porn actor, I guess.

Could you provide me some contact details on how I can go about to become a porn actor? I know all the risks involved, but it has become an obsession for me. There is no going back. Help me please.

Currently I am an engineer. I am prepared to sacrifice my engineering career for the sake of porn.

Regards,
Porn Star WannaBe

Dear PSWB,

I commend on your career choice - pornography can be a rewarding vocation! I have to disagree with you, though, on the idea that taking an hour or more to come, and sometimes never coming, makes you an ideal porn star. Male porn stars are supposed to come, and, actually, that’s usually the focus of the whole movie! A porn star who can come on cue and in a timely manner is worth his weight in hankies, my friend, so you may want to practice coming more quickly.

If your partner is experiencing pain during sex, a trip to the doctor is highly recommended. Unwanted pain is not a normal aspect of sex! And you should stop having sex with your partner before the pain starts, not after.

You mentioned that your partner is multi-orgasmic. If your partner is male, maybe he should be the porn star! The porn industry would probably appreciate a man who can have multiple orgasms.

I’m not sure what you’re obsessed with in terms of making a career transition, or what you see as the risks of porn. In the US porn industry, which is mostly located in the Los Angeles area of California, many films are shot on the weekend. So, although you might have to relocate from India to the US, I don’t think you would need to sacrifice your engineering work in order to make films - there are plenty of engineering jobs in California, too. You could take up porn as a second job or “hobby” job, without having to worry about “no going back.”

I recommend that you do some research first. To learn about porn star health, check out the Adult Industry Medical Health Care Foundation. Read some porn star memoirs, like How to Make Love Like a Porn Star by Jenna Jameson. And check out XXX: Porn Star Portraits for essays by and about pornography from those in the know. You can get these kinds of books at Babeland.com.

Enjoy,
Amy

Lick My Face

Administrator — Wed, 14 Dec 2005 20:50:55 +0000

Dear Amy,

So I have this friend that likes to lick me. He’s an attractive male and has a girlfriend. Yet whether we are at church or the gym — he likes to just lay a big sloppy, very wet lick right across my face. Is this an expression of some primal desires or is my friend just weird or being affectionate?

Wet Cheeks

Dear Cheeks,
He’s weird.

If you enjoy it (hey, maybe you’re weird too!), let him lick away. Otherwise, it may be time for a little assertiveness. You could try talking to him about it. Here’s a sample sentence for you: “Bob, I enjoy worshipping and working out with you, but when we meet up, I would prefer it if we could greet each other with hugs or handshakes.”

Another tactic is the old good-for-the-goose routine. Next time he licks you, lick him back. Profusely. Get a lot of drool in there. Then stand back and act natural. Greet the church-goer next to you with a warm handshake and smile. Then slowly and discretely pop a Listerine film in your mouth - god knows what kinds of germs might be on this freak’s face!

Best of luck.

Enjoy,
Amy

Urethral Surgery Aftermath?

Administrator — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 00:53:38 +0000

Dear Amy,

I am with the woman of my dreams. We’ve been together almost 8 years now and have a 3 year old son together. I love her very much, and she is the most sexiest thing in the world. The problem is not with her. It’s with me. When I was younger, I had a lot of problems with my bladder, kidneys, and needed reconstruction of my urethra. I had two surgeries where they cut me open down there. Now I have a problem maintaining an erection. The stupid thing is I can throw a porno in, and I’ll be hard the entire time, and masturbate and everything is fine. But for some reason, when I’m around my girlfriend, it takes me a while to get it up, and then it’s like as soon as there is no stimulation, like changing position, it goes soft and I have to masturbate to get erect again, and sometimes it just doesn’t work. My girl is great, and she’s been handling it, and says it doesn’t bother her, but I know, if it were me, and I was horny as hell and was about to cum, and then “Poof” it’s all over, I would go crazy.

She is very, very sexually satisfying, and I would love to tear her up, but it only happens once in a while due to my problem, and she asked me the other day if she turns me on. I tried to explain once again it’s not her fault, that it’s due to my little problem, but I’m scared she’s going to look elsewhere for sexual satisfaction. What do I do?? Can you help me??

Tom

Dear Tom,

First, I recommend that you talk to a doctor, to find out if she thinks the surgeries caused the erection difficulties you describe. She’ll probably tell you that they didn’t, considering that you are able to get erections when you masturbate; but I think you should ask her, just to be sure.

Second, it’s very common for people to masturbate either themselves or their partners, during sex. So, masturbating to get your erection again can be something fun for you and your girlfriend; I wouldn’t worry about “going crazy” over that.

Third, you could try this: Don’t use your penis when you’re having sex, as it seems to be causing you stress. Have sex in ways that don’t involve putting your penis inside your girlfriend; that way, it won’t matter if you have an erection or not. Babeland.com has all kinds of products for you two to play with together. Some things that you could do are: go down on your girlfriend, masturbate your girlfriend, have her masturbate you, try masturbating together, watch porn together, penetrate her using sex toys like dildos, or have her strap it on and penetrate you.

Enjoy,
Amy

Virgin Newlyweds

Administrator — Wed, 07 Dec 2005 23:56:30 +0000

Dear Amy,

My question is concerning my wife and I. We recently got married and both never had sex. She is still a virgin and so am I. Whenever we try to get started, my wife complains that I am too big for her and it pains her a lot. Now she shows no interest in sex. Even my fingers pain her. Can you give me some advice?

Virgin Man

Dear Virgin,

Just as I advised Tom (”Urethral Surgery Aftermath?“), I would recommend that you not put your penis — or your fingers, for that matter — into your wife’s body. At least not now. Instead, read the answer I gave to Franck (”Big Penis, Small Girlfriend“) in a recent column; he was in a similar situation.

Readers, often I get questions that are similar, if not practically identical, to ones I’ve already answered. So, before you email me, don’t forget to check the advice archives, to see if what you’re wondering about has already been covered. That way, you don’t have to wait for my reply!

Enjoy,
Amy

Dildo History Lesson

Administrator — Thu, 01 Dec 2005 00:00:54 +0000

Dear Amy,

How long have strap-on dildos been around? We were just wondering.

-Skulk & Urg

Dear S&U,

Great question! I always support wondering about sex toy history. Your question, however, is a trick one. There are strap-ons and then there are dildos, two separate things which are often purchased together; Babeland, my fave sex-toy company, even sells them in package deals. A dildo is any object used for fucking; it could be a cylindrical silicone toy, or it could be a cucumber with a condom on it. A strap-on, aka a harness, is used to rig a dildo so that it stays in place while being used. Some people strap their dildos to their bodies - like around the hips - while others strap them to chairs, to bounce up and down on. To each her own, of course.

But, back to the history lesson. Dildos have been around since people first figured out how to whittle, carve, or rinse off an appropriately-shaped vegetable or other stiff material. Dildos have been found in archaeological digs, made out of anything from wood to ivory to candle wax. Why did our ancestors love dildos so much? For the same reason we do - penetration can be fun! Having something inside the body can stimulate the g-spot, the prostate gland, and much more.

For more info on dildo history, check out this site: http://www.lezbeout.com/thehistoryofthedildo_000.htm

Now for strap-ons. In my research, I couldn’t find anything about their history, but I imagine that the first strap-on was probably invented shortly after the first dildo, probably by someone looking for a hands-free way to show a lover a good time. A couple of strips of leather here, a few strategic stitches of cloth there, and it’s party time, medieval-style.

Enjoy,
Amy

The Other Woman?

Administrator — Wed, 30 Nov 2005 23:03:16 +0000

Dear Amy,

I just discovered your site and think it is terrific! Here is my question: I have been married for 16 years. I believe that over the course of my marriage, I’ve become more open about sexuality, whereas my wife has stayed the same. For the past several years, I have had a fantasy that my wife would become intimate with another woman, with or without my being there. I have asked her if she would be interested in this, and she has told me that she isn’t interested. Is it at all reasonable to expect that she do this? If so, how might I influence or convince her that this would be a positive, pleasurable encounter for her? I’m stymied, so your help and advice, whatever it may be, is greatly appreciated. Thanks very much.

Dear KR,

Thanks for loving my site! About your question: it sounds like you have a fantasy that your wife doesn’t share. I think now would be a great time to ask her about her fantasies and her desires too. Marriage, as you know, is often about compromise, and so is a great sexual relationship. Maybe she has a fantasy about you being with a man. Find out if she would go tit-for-tat, so to speak; you’ll make her fantasy come true if she agrees to make yours come true, too. (Watch the hilarious 1999 Mariel Hemingway movie, The Sex Monster, for some added inspiration.)

As far as convincing her that she would have a positive or pleasurable experience, I don’t think that you can. She may have a good time, or she may not. If you’re in the next room getting it on with a guy - or doing whatever her fantasy is - that may go a long way towards her pleasure; but actually touching another person sexually, with or without you there, might be something she finds boring or even unpleasant. There’s no guarantee that she’ll like it, so there is no way to convince her that she will.

Besides exchanging fantasies, here are some other things to try:

• I don’t know what your gender is, but if you’re male, have you considered cross-dressing or exploring feminization? You could temporary become “the other woman”; your wife might enjoy this, because it’s still you, the person she already is having sex with, and you might enjoy it, because you’re role-playing that your wife is having sex with a woman.

• Bring a female blow-up doll to bed. This may be a stretch, but you get to be in bed with your wife and another “woman” without her having to go outside her comfort zone of actually being with another woman.

• If you have a penis (some men don’t, and, again, I can’t tell from your letter what your gender is anyway), you can buy a masturbation sleeve at Babeland.com. Pick one that has an opening that looks like a woman’s pussy, and bring it to bed with you and your wife. Indulge your fantasy of being with her and another woman by using the sleeve on your penis while going down on your wife. This way, you can pretend that you’re penetrating one lady at the same time as you’re actually pleasuring the other.

The human imagination is a beautiful thing…

Enjoy,
Amy

On-line or Out-of-line?

Administrator — Thu, 24 Nov 2005 00:05:16 +0000

Dear Amy,

I am a 22-year-old female. In the past year, I have been going to a fetish chat room. I enjoy the room, and have become involved with a guy there. We engage almost daily in cyber sex. We also spend a lot of time chatting about everyday stuff.

My problem is that in my real life I am a very different person, and this guy is really putting pressure on me to make closer contact, such as phone conversation and mail. He has even gone so far as to want to approach my family.

There is a huge age difference between us. I love engaging in sex play with him online, but feel the need to keep it online. What do I say to him when he pressures me for more?

Thanks,
Cyber Chick

Dear CC,

Congrats on exploring your sexuality online - that can be a great way to have fun and try new things! As for what to say to your cyber-lover, here’s a suggestion: tell him what you told me. You could say:

• “I love having sex with you online, and that’s my limit for contact with you. I know you can respect a boundary like that, because you’re a mature adult and a nice guy.”

• “What I’d like you to know about me is that I’m a different person offline, and want to continue exploring my online persona with you at my own pace in my own way.”

• “Meeting in person sounds like a fun idea, but in reality it’s not something I’m looking for in my relationship with you. If you have a different goal for our relationship, maybe we should move on now, so that neither of us gets their feelings hurt.”

• “There’s no need for you to contact my family. Although they are very close to me, and we spend a lot of time together, I choose not to involve them in all the details of my online sexual exploration, and I’d like you to respect that choice. I’m sure you do, because you’re a respectful person.”

Each of these options gives you the chance to set a boundary, clarify your relationship, and assume the best in his intentions. The ball is in his court to respect your decisions - without questioning you, pressuring you, or challenging you in any way; if he chooses not to do so, you have the right to discontinue contact with him. After all, why waste time talking to someone who won’t listen to you after you’ve set a boundary? Believe me, there are other hot cyber-sex-partners out there for you, ones who will respect every boundary you set and fulfill every desire you express - at the same time!

Enjoy,
Amy

Twitching For It

Administrator — Wed, 23 Nov 2005 23:17:00 +0000

Dear Amy,

My girlfriend and I are monogamous and have been together for almost a year now. Her sex drive is pretty low and she admitted that from the beginning. I’m also aware that she’s willing to have an open relationship and acknowledges that my sexual desires are greater than she is able to meet. I’ve had negative experiences in the past with open relationships and I’m concerned that her aversion to talking about issues in our relationship will go from something I can calmly and creatively work through to something that could be a major problem if we open it up and things don’t go smoothly. One of the things that I like so much about our relationship is that it’s not dramatic, sex aside. It’s been a really healthy relationship for me and I think for her as well.

This is all complicated by a (mutual) crush I’ve developed on a new friend who seems like (although appearances can always be deceiving) an ideal long term partner for me in many ways. I’m torn. I’m going through huge life changes and don’t want to make decisions that are rash and I’ll regret later, and I also don’t want to not make a decision because I’m afraid of losing someone I love or for that matter potentially losing two people I’ll love if the changes I’m going through end up preventing things with my crush from working out as well. I also have a knee jerk reaction to push people away if I fear that they will shortly be doing the same. I know my knees are twitching so I’m being patient about discussing it with my gf until the twitching has passed. I guess I don’t have a particular question, I’d just appreciate any feedback you might have.

Thank you,
Twitching

Dear Twitch,

It sounds like you already know that open relationships work best when they start from a healthy place. You mention that your current relationship is healthy and drama-free. But you also say that your gf has an aversion to talking about issues. By not talking with her about the issue of your crush until your knee-jerk reaction goes away, it sounds like you’re showing an aversion too. Your “huge life changes” seem to be complicating things as well.

May I suggest talking with your girlfriend about opening the relationship? A book like The Ethical Slut, which you can get at Babeland.com, has great advice on this. If she is truly willing to have an open relationship, then she is willing to have a conversation about what that means. For some couples, open relationships involve just sex with other people; for other couples, they involve dating, or even falling in love with, other people. Your girlfriend might be okay with you getting your sexual needs met elsewhere, but might not be down with you having a romantic relationship with someone else. But, you won’t know until you ask. You talk a lot about the decisions you’ll be making; she has some decisions to make too. Telling her what you would want from an open relationship (including maybe the chance to get together with your crush), and asking her what she wants from it too, will go a long way towards not pushing her away but instead pulling her closer to you.

And yes, in that conversation - or in subsequent ones - you can tell her that you have a crush on someone, especially if you say that one thing you want from the open relationship is the opportunity to be with that person romantically. I think that a part of any healthy relationship is the acknowledgement that we sometimes have crushes on others. Partners can then negotiate if it’s okay to act on those feelings, or allow them to pass with time.

Best of luck,
Amy

Positive Love

Administrator — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 01:20:26 +0000

Dearest Amy,

I recently met a wonderful guy. He is smart, funny, attractive, doesn’t use drugs. The only “but” is that he is HIV positive. He has been positive for three years and is very healthy. He is not on meds for it yet since he still has a very high CD4 count. I worry about dating a positive guy. I know there are extra issues that might come along with this serodiscordant relationship. My first thought is: I don’t want to fall in love with this guy just to watch him die. Which I am sure is a crazy line of thinking. I have heard that HIV is manageable these days and that it is no longer the death sentence that it once was. Is this true? Could this great guy really not die on me? My second line of thinking is that I don’t understand much about HIV. I mean, I know how it is transmitted and how it affects the body. I just don’t know what to expect from someone who is HIV positive. Amy, any advice you could give me or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Should I date this guy? Am I being shallow for not wanting to?

Sincerely,
Negative and confused

Dear NAC,

First of all, congratulations on meeting such a great guy! It’s true that many people with HIV are living longer and healthier lives these days, due to the quality of HIV medication as well as to community support. It’s not possible that he won’t die someday - but only because everyone dies, not necessarily because of the HIV. So, what you should expect from someone who is HIV positive depends on the person himself.

Remember that he’s probably having feelings about being in a serodiscordant relationship too. He might be thinking, “I don’t want to fall in love just to watch this person have to deal with things if I get sick.” He might be nervous about accidentally transmitting something to you. He might be wondering if you’re hesitant about dating someone with HIV.

I think you should date him if you want to date him, and not beat yourself up about it if you choose not to date him. The real shallow choice would be to date him just to prove something to yourself. If you were in his shoes, would you want someone to date you just to avoid having to think of himself as shallow? It’s perfectly okay *not* to date him.

Finally, having said that, I also have to say that life is all the more beautiful because we get to experience emotions like love and loss, joy and sorrow. We get to be challenged, and we get to grow. If you think you could fall in love with this guy, and you think that that would be a good and healthy experience for both of you, I wish you all the best! Just remember to be safe, meaning: use latex condoms, lube, dental dams, and latex gloves. All the time. Every time. No matter what. Period.

Enjoy,
Amy