Dear Diary.....Love, Deranged

Goodbye, dudes. It's been awesome.

2012-11-28T15:58:00.002-06:00

Hi all you awesome dudes and dudettes. I am very sorry to inform you that Dear Diary, Love Deranged as you know it is coming to an end.

See, I am applying for jobs. People who are reviewing my applications are also stalking me on the internet. When you stalk me on the Google, a lot of things show up!! Mostly things about work and my academic achievements such as the scientific papers I've had published or awards I've won for presentations.

However, some of my awesome readers find my blog by searching for my first and last names. Because of this, my name is linked to L-Kat and DDLD.

So when Google stalking me, a whole bunch of really awesome science-y stuff shows up first, but when you keep searching, links to things like "My gin and tonic hobby" or "I promise I'm not a cannibal" show up.

I don't really see what the big deal is. I mean, there are worse hobbies than gin and tonic ones. For instance, I don't torture animals. I also don't do illegal drugs. These are hobbies I avoid. Also, I think not being a cannibal should strengthen my odds of getting a job, but I can see where some search committees might find it a bit unsettling that I even think about things like that.

So, sadly, I am changing DDLD. Because I started blogging for me, I'm still going to blog. I'm just changing the privacy settings of my blog. In order to continue reading DDLD, please send me your email address (twofingerblogger@gmail.com) and I will put you on the "It's cool if these people read about my deranged life because they are just kick ass readers and not stuffy search committee people with no sense of humor" list. I'm assuming most of you won't go through that effort, but that's ok.

It's been real. It's been fun. I frickin' love you. I want to high five you and hug you. And I'm seriously getting teary eyed.

Someone make me a damn G&T.

Love and love and love,
Me

PS - If anyone is really techy (and by "really techy" I mean more techy than me, which is a really simple requirement) and knows how to somehow disassociate my full name with this blog, you should let me know. If there is a way that DDLD will NOT show up when you Google my name, then I'd be super happy. Then I'd keep blogging and you wouldn't have to send me your email to read it. Then we could just forget this whole post and how fruckin' sensitive I can be (but in my defense, I cry watching Cake Boss, so it's not surprising that I'm getting sad over losing all my awesome readers all because I have to grow up and get a real job). I would love you even more if you can help me with that.

Welcome to the Minnesota Bayou

2012-11-13T21:24:00.000-06:00

Two things are certain.

1. I love Swamp People.

2. When sitting in my deer stand, I will record a video of some sort.

This year, I had the perfect opportunity to merge these two certainties. Unfortunately, I missed a monster buck this year. [Clarification: I missed the chance to take a good shot at a monster buck.] I sadly watched him walk away without giving me a clear shot, but my sorrows did not last long. I quickly decided to stage an interview about the story. The best part? I decided upon a Swamp People-style interview.

Enjoy.

Love and Minnesota Bayou,
Me

Roosevelt went to fish heaven and Samurai joined my family

2012-11-09T09:59:00.000-06:00

It is with a very heavy heart that I inform you Roosevelt Prince William has passed away. He was a very kick-ass fish.

Roosevelt was a red veil tail betta fish. This means two things. 1. His tail was all wispy and flowy. [Apparently flowy is not a word, but I used it almost daily....lots of things are flowy in my life] 2. He matched my decor, which is very important when picking out a pet.

Roosevelt tried to kill himself the day I got him by jumping out of his bowl. I quickly learned not to fill it so full, and he quickly learned that he actually liked living in the kick ass vase I set up for him. He was a happy little fish that always made bubble nests, which I am going to believe meant he was happy, healthy, and really, really wanted to fertilize some eggs.

I called Roosevelt my panic attack fish. I haven't been on the verge of having a panic attack in a long time (thank God), but he was so peaceful to watch. He was very calming. Roosevelt lived decently long....about one year and one month in my home. Pretty good considering all my other fish have only lasted a few days.

After grieving for about a month, I decided to get another betta fish. I am happy to announce the arrival of Samurai el Mackson to my family.

Samurai el Mackson is not a veil tail. He is a red crown tail. That means that 1. He still matches my decor and 2. He has spiky fins. It also means he was more expensive than Roosevelt. But that's okay.

If any of you are wondering about the name choice, I named him after one of my favorite actors, Samuel L. Jackson (the Samuel L. Jackson that played Jules in Pulp Fiction, or the one that played Windu in Star Wars, not the Samuel L. Jackson that was in Snakes on a Plane.....I feel like I need to clarify that).

I'm a bit scared to introduce Samurai to you, because I don't want to jinx anything. Fish are fragile after all, and I feel the mere mention of him takes days of his life. Let's hope not.

Love and pet fish,

And then I got placebo drunk

2012-11-05T08:50:00.000-06:00

It's that time of the year - deer hunting season in Minnesota.

There I was: perched in my tree stand, twelve feet in the air, scanning the forest, and slowly freezing solid.

While drinking my French vanilla cappuccino and delighting in both the taste and the warmth, I mused that if I were not twelve feet above the ground and handling a semi-automatic rifle, I'd like some Kahlua with my cappuccino.

Then I contemplated the placebo effect and how some people get drunk off of nonalcoholic drinks simply because they believe they are imbibing alcohol. [I've witnessed this in college enough times to consider it scientific fact.]

Next I decided it would be terrible if I got placebo drunk, because as mentioned, I was precariously balancing on a small seat, and I was responsible for the safe handling of a rifle. Gun safety is very important to me, so I shouldn't get placebo drunk.

So I tried to block all thoughts of Kahlua because I didn't want to get placebo dunk while deer hunting. However, the more I tried to prevent thinking about the deliciousness of Kahlua and French vanilla cappuccino, the more I imagined its creamy goodness. Next thing I know, not only was I dreaming of Kahlua cappuccino, but also of adding in Bailey's and maybe a shot of whiskey. Yummmmm.......

Before I knew it, I had just polished off a bottle of Kaluha, a pint of baileys and six shots of whiskey. I was hammered drunk and it wasn't even noon yet.

Love and deer stories that don't actually involve any deer,
Me

Challenge complete

2012-11-01T09:46:00.002-05:00

Remember how I started running this year as a way to deal with my anxiety and then I ran my first race and my first half marathon this May? And then remember how the endorphins made me high and I decided to challenge myself to run 12 races in 2012?

So I did it. 12 in 2012 Challenge is complete, bitches. And since I made the challenge in May and I finished in October, really I did 12 races in 6 months. So if you carry that out to 12 months, it's like I ran 24 races this year. .................................

................... Hokay, maybe not.

If any of you are really interested in reading more about these races, you can migrate over to Ugly Toes, where I have recaps of all my races (and pictures of the sweet swag from the races).

Love and challenges,
Me

Have a creepy day

2012-10-31T15:17:00.001-05:00

I just want to wish everyone a spooky, creepy, eerie, scary day today. Halloween is my favorite holiday ever.

Some advice:
Don't get super drunk tonight. You'll be an easy target for the guy with the chainsaw.
Don't dress like a skank. That's not original.
Don't play with Ouija boards. Not tonight. You're asking for supernatural evil entities to wreck havoc on you.

If you do drink, drink something creepy and blood or slime colored.
Do get a designated driver.
Do wear a cool costume. Maybe a dissected frog costume would be a good idea.
Do watch horror movies and terrify yourself.

Happy Halloween.
I want scary reports from you - tell me if something creepy happens tonight.

Love and eerie nights,
Me

Best. Costume. Ever.

2012-10-29T09:14:00.000-05:00

So in my last post I asked you all to guess my Halloween costume. You guys did a great job and gave me some kick ass ideas for the future.

Guesses:
Walking "blue" screen
Gumby
Praying mantis
Kermit
Green Phillies thing (Phillie Phanatic)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
Pickle
Green Man
GAK
Geico Gecko
Green screen
Teletubby
Pantone 359
Ninja for the colour blind (from my favorite blogger across the pond!)
Chlorophyll
Flower Plant
Radioactive green slime
Split pea soup

Well you were all wrong, but I loved your guesses.

Closest guess: Kermit the Frog by Kellie from Delightfully Ludicrous
Favorite guess: GAK by Megan
Props for guessing something scientifically nerdy: Chlorophyll by Cerebral Milkshake
Next favorite guess: Pantone 359 (although I'd modify the color a bit) by Lady Chardonnay from The Joy of Idol and From Fat to ... Fabulous?

If any of you would like to claim thumbtacks, please email me at twofingerblogger@gmail.com and let me know how many you want (anywhere from 1- 4000 and specify white, light purple, light green, or light blue).

So what was I?

A dissected frog. And in this picture, a dissected frog half marathoner.

Best. Costume. Ever.

I think I'm going as a dissected frog every year.

What is your Halloween costume?

Love and nerdy costumes,
Me

Guess my Halloween costume

2012-10-25T01:40:00.002-05:00

Hokay, dudes. Let's play a game called "Guess My Halloween Costume!"

I bought a green spandex body suit one day, because this is the sort of thing I do during my lunch hour. I have a genius plan for a great Halloween costume, but I want to hear your guesses first.

To give you an idea of how ridiculous this body suit is, I took pictures (shocking, I know).

This suit, complete with feet and gloves, hugs every curve of your body. And by "curve" I mean fat roll, bump, or lump.......or bellybutton ring, as evidenced by this next picture.

Fat roll-hugging aside, I am still going to rock this spandex body suit and make it sexy.....

YIKES. Maybe not.

So let's here it. Give me your guesses as to what I'm going to do with this kick ass green spandex body suit. [If you happened to see the answer on facebook, don't give it away.] Be creative. Be inappropriate. Winner (or best guess.....as judged by me) can have their choosing of any number from 0 - 4000 thumbtacks (I'm going to get rid of these damn things somehow).

Love and shopping for spandex body suits during lunch,

My own true horror story: He broke into my home and attacked me while I was taking a bath....

2012-10-20T17:33:00.000-05:00

Today I ran a half marathon, but that post is for another time. What is more important is that today I was attacked in my own home. Even though it was terrifying, it is a great story, and I have to share it with you.

After my run my legs were screaming in agony so I drew up a bubble bath and soaked my aching body while sipping on powerade and reading Newsweek. It was delightful. Until the attack.

Out of no where, a huge hornet comes whizzing in the bathroom and dive bombs right at me. [Remember that hornets are my biggest fear. I once jumped out of a (very slowly) moving vehicle when I discovered a hornet was in there.].

WTF?!?? It's 39ºF outside, the hornets are supposed to be away for the winter. Also, no matter what the weather, I do a hornet check every time I open my door.

So what the fuck was a hornet doing in my bathroom!!? I would have been less shocked if Freddy Krueger walked in. I probably would have been less scared, too.

Panic didn't wash over me; panic shocked my entire system. I instantaneously began swatting, splashing, swearing, and screaming. Newsweek was thrown into the tub. Water soaked my floor.

And still, that damn hornet attacked me. Making passes all around me, attempting to confuse me. I was shrieking loudly. Imagine someone was hacking my legs into tiny pieces......that is how blood curdling my screams were.

He made one last dive bomb and I turned away in terror. That was a mistake. His stinger collided with the back of my ribcage. I was crippled with pain, but somehow managed to swat one last time. It was a last ditch effort, but it worked. He was thrown into the water, where I satisfyingly watched him die.

My heart was pumping faster than it had been during the race. My breathing was out of control. My Newsweek was ruined, my bathroom was flooded, and my dog was terrified of me.

I took a cup and hurriedly removed the hornet from my bathtub and flushed him down the toilet. In retrospect, I wish I would have taken a picture for proof, but the adrenaline was interfering with my logic.
I said screw the bath, clearly that was no longer relaxing. So I drained the tub and took a shower.

I heard Ruby barking when I was in the shower, but didn't think much of it.

When I was drying off, I heard a knock at my door. I quickly threw a robe on and ran to the door. There was a policeman there.

Policeman: "Miss, are you okay?"

Me: "Of course, why?

Policeman: "Well your neighbor heard screaming and came to check on you, but you didn't answer."

Me: "Oh.....well, thanks. I'm fine."

Policeman: "Would you mind telling us what was going on?"

Let's remember that I'm wearing a robe that barely covers my ass cheeks and I'm dripping water all over the place.

Me: "Um, it was hornet."

Policeman: "A hornet?"

Me: "Yes, I'm very afraid of hornets. So it wasn't a rapist/murderer........it was a hornet."

And with that, the policeman left.

Love and personal horror stories,
Me

Events other than my exams.

2012-10-19T11:08:00.000-05:00

So I passed my exams. I did spend an entire month studying for them. But, that isn't all I've been up to during my blogging hiatus. I dyed my hair to it's more natural color and then I chopped off over eight inches.

In the "before" picture, I had already cut off 4 inches....I can't believe my hair was that long.

I loved my long hair, but it was about damn time I cut it off. It feels amazing. However, I was quickly reminded that a huge benefit of long hair is being able to just pull it back when you don't feel like styling it. Not the case with short hair.

I ran races #7, 8, and 9 in my 12 in 2012 challenge.

I went to a Vikings game with Jason. The game was after my written exams and before my verbal exam. I needed to get out of Fargo and take a break.....I was so burnt out on studying. Anyway, we had amazing seats!! And the Vikings won!

I voted by absentee ballot for federal and state elections.

Then after my verbal exam, I went home to spend some time in the woods with my family.

Kobe (the Parental Units' dog) and Ruby Zubinka had a blast in the woods.

And that is about all I've done for the past month and a half. In upcoming news, I am running a half marathon tomorrow and another half marathon next Saturday (Oct. 27). These are races #10 and 11! So close to my goal of 12 races. Also, I'm applying for jobs. This topic is for another post.

Love and updates,

Happy 23rd Birthday, Brother!

2012-10-18T12:39:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday, Brother! It's Brother's 23rd birthday today. I love Brother for many reasons. Here are some of them.

He is a really good cook, and isn't afraid to try new techniques, such as when Mom chose a recipe that required you to flambe brandy. I was convinced it would be a waste of brandy, but he made it work.

He is fun to play board games and card games with. When he's winning.

He is a fan of ridiculous handshakes.

He does all the hard work when we go ice fishing.

When we are playing Beersbie and the Frisbee goes into the water, he doesn't hesitate to retrieve it.

He is there to capture our dramatic win in Schmier. Offspring come back from 5-15 to beat the Parental Units. Also, he is my favorite Schmier partner.

He knows how to make it through family holidays.

Sometimes, we find ourselves in Charlie Foxtrot situations, but he manages to make everything right.

He has a great sense of humor.

He looks awesome when he is Yearbooked.

He's the best brother ever. Love you, Brother!

Enjoy your day, dude.

Love and birthdays,
Me

Percussion and nonsense sayings: I'm back.

2012-10-15T22:54:00.000-05:00

I forgot how to blog.

You know how people say, "It's like riding a bicycle; once you learn, you never forget." This is a false statement. I took a nine year break from riding a bicycle, and when I attempted to ride one again I tipped over three times in four blocks. I was also 21 years old and at a BSU Homecoming party. But I think those last two details are minor.

What I'm saying is, I took about 22 days off of blogging and about 45 days off of reading my favorite blogs (including yours!). And now I'm having trouble getting back into it.

Why the long break? Remember how I had incredibly difficult written exams followed by an intense verbal exam, and I had to pass them all or I would fail out of my Ph.D. program?

Yeah, me neither. My brain has already suppressed those dark memories.

Just kidding! The exams were rough, but not nearly as atrocious as I expected them to be.

And the results are......................(drumroll, please)....................(add in the trumpets)..................(dramatic tympani)...................(woodblock, because that was what I played in band.......also the cowbell and triangle........I was a badass percussionist)..........................................................

I PASSED!!!!

So what now? Now I have to get some scientific papers published, write a dissertation, and pass a final defense. But that's all a piece of cake compared to the exams I just finished.

Also, the expression "piece of cake" is false, because this implies that something is "easy." Cake = easy??? That makes no sense. I suppose "piece of cake" also means "enjoyable," but that is false for me, because I do not enjoy cake. It's too sweet. Unless it is Funfetti cake. I like Funfetti cake, but only because it is colorful, so I don't care how it tastes. Long story made not short at all, I'm saying that the expression "block of cheese" would be better for me. As in "That's all a block of cheese compared to the exams I just finished," because a block of cheese is enjoyable for me. "Block of cheese" is not "easy," but I think the whole expression is meant to be flawed. <---------- And that is how my mind works, and I write my blog posts how my mind works, so I'd say this blogging thing is slowly coming back to me. Whew.

Even though I've been gone for so long, I still care about you! And I will do my best to read all the good stuff you've written while I was holed up in my fort of blankets and textbooks (and the not good stuff too, because you guys read my blog, and it's ~~mostly~~ all bad stuff). But, that is a lot of blogs, a lot of days, a batrillousandillion posts. So, you know what you should do? You should comment on this post and sum up what's happened in your life the past two months. This way when I start reading your blog and you're talking about life in Oregon when I think you still live in Tennessee I won't be confused. Or I won't be frustrated when I can't find your blog because you've changed it's name. Or I won't be that jackass that keeps commenting about your pet cat when he died a month ago.

So leave a comment.
Brief me on your happenings the past two months.
(Bonus question: Have you discovered any must-read blogs lately?)

Love and bikes and pieces of cake and other nonsense sayings,
Me

L-Kat Chicken Noodle Deliciousness

2012-09-23T15:38:00.002-05:00

So I just told you how to make a spooky Halloween wreath. Now I'm going to give you a recipe that isn't a delicious mixed drink. I promise this is not turning into a craft/cooking blog. I swear too much and don't take nice enough pictures for those types of blogs.

Today I am going to share my recipe for L-Kat Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup. I know what you are thinking: my grandma/mom/motherly type figure already makes the best chicken noodle soup, so back off, L-Kat. Well, you are right, your person probably does make amazing chick noodle soup, but mine is better. It's tested, it's tried, it's proven. And it's super simple.

L-Kat Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup

makes a shitload

Ingredients:

2. Fill big pot with water and submerge chicken breast on bone.

3. Bring to boil. Simmer, covered for 20 min.

4. Remove chicken breast on bone from water. Place in container and refrigerate to cool. Keep water in pot.

5. Slice celery and carrots. Add to water.

6. Add the chicken broth granules and a lot of ground black pepper.

7. Bring to boil and simmer, covered for 20 minutes.

8. Take chilled chicken out of fridge and shred meat using fingers. Add meat directly to the broth mixture.

9. Add the brown sugar.

10. In separate pot, boil water and cook entire bag of wide egg noodles. After noodles are cooked and drained, add to broth pot.

11. Let simmer for at least an hour.

12. Serve with crackers or baked bread.

13. YUM! Enjoy!

What makes this better than a lot of other chicken noodle soup recipes? Using the water that you boil the chicken in as a base for the broth. Using chicken on the bone. A shit ton of noodles, because no one ever complains about too many noodles. All the salty, umami goodness of the chicken broth. All the ground pepper.

Try it. You'll love it.

Love and mmmm-mmmmm-goodness,
Me

A rare successful craft: Halloween wreath

2012-09-21T23:22:00.001-05:00

I enjoy crafty things, but more often than not, my crafts turn into disasters. Like the time when I ordered 4,000 thumbtacks (yes FOUR THOUSAND) online and spray painted them with the intent of pushing them into a styrofoam wreath, only to find out AFTER paying a small fortune for 4,000 thumbtacks and killing a large sum of brain cells spray painting the 4,000 thumbtacks that the thumbtacks do NOT stay in the styrofoam wreath. Certainly with a little hot glue action they would, but who has time for that, am I right? I mean I'm not fucking Martha Stewart, okay*?

*And this is a great example of why I should quit swearing. Because this sentence could imply that I am stating, "I am not sleeping with Martha Stewart." Which is 100% factual, but was not the point of the statement. I was applying sarcasm along with a swear word. The attempt has backfired. I'm not editing the sentence because I'm trying to get back to blogging exactly how my mind thinks**.

**Which is why you are seeing a lot more asterisks in my posts. It's how my mind works. With asterisks.

Hokay, back to the intended post: Once in a while my crafts turn out okay, and once in a small while they turn out better than anticipated. My Halloween wreath is one such example. And because it is for Halloween, my favorite holiday, I had to share it with you*.

*Hokay, I'm really sharing it with you because it's the first craft I've attempted since the failed Thumbtack Wreath that has worked. Besides for the Watermelon Gin Fizz craft, which is more of a mixed drink than a craft, but I consider the art of making a fine mixed drink a true craft. But whatever way you look at it, I'm proud of this damn Halloween wreath.

It's all sorts of awesome. And in case you happen to follow my Halloween board on Pinterest you will notice that I actually followed through with a craft idea I posted on Pinterest*, something I'm fairly certain 47% of Americans don't do (probably the 47% that Mitt doesn't care about).

*Actually, I one-upped something I posted on Pinterest. I combined two craft ideas that I pinned plus added my own touch, to make it original. Boom. For the win.

Want to make one? Super. It's easy. And cheap. I found the wreath on sale at Hobby Lobby (craft store) for two dolla*.

*Dolla = dollars, but a low amount of dollars. Like less than eleven dollars. You would never say "Eleven dolla" but you would say "ten dolla." Or conversely, it means dollars, but a huge number of dollars. Practically unfathomable (to poor graduate students, like me**). For example, "Fifty-two dollar."

**Hokay, if we are using the poor-graduate-student-definition, then "dolla" can refer to any dollar amount.

So, the wreath was $2. I had black spray paint, but you can by cheapo spray paint for $0.89. Spray paint the wreath. I recommend a flat finish spray paint so it's not all glossy and pretty. This is a Halloween wreath, after all. Find a fake crow. I got mine at the Dollar Store*. For $1.

*Side story: I bought seven Halloween decorations at the Dollar Store for $7. I was super pumped (and stupidly shocked at the price). I told the cashier that Halloween was my favorite holiday. Her response? "I hate Halloween. It's the devil's holiday." Super cheery, huh?

Hokay, so wreath, black spray paint, fake crow. Next I bought that fake spider's web stuff (you can't see it in the picture), and the fake spider's web stuff came with the fake spider (also a Dollar Store buy....so add another $1 to the tally).

The fake flowers were from Hobby Lobby. Wait until their flowers go on sale for 40-50% off. Then buy purple, black, brown, or orange flowers. (Total for the two flowers: $4)

Other supplies: hot glue gun and hot glue. Also wire cutters (you can get a cheap set at a craft store in the floral section).

1. Spray paint the wreath black.

2. Arrange the spider's web stuff in the wreath opening and hot glue it to the edges.

3. Attach a fake spider to the web stuff.

4. Hot glue the crow's feet to the wreath.

5. Snip the stems of the flowers with wire cutters.

6. Hot glue the flower heads onto the wreath.

7. Display.

Abracadabra!! A spooky Halloween wreath. If you have the other supplies, this will cost you $8.89. I think. I suck at math, so double check that.

Love and creepy crafts,

What do you call ambidextrous devices made for feet?

2012-09-18T10:20:00.000-05:00

Why yes, I am wearing slippers as shoes.

No, I don't care if I look like an idiot. My feet are happy; therefore, I am happy.

These slippers are 1. comfortable, 2. soft, 3. ambidextrous*.

*Ambidextrous is not the appropriate word here. Ambidextrous** refers to being able to use both your left and right hands equally well. That would be fucking ridiculous to call my slippers ambidextrous because they don't even have hands.

**I suppose ambidextrous also means designed to be used by either your right or left hand. That makes a little more sense, but not really, because why in the hell would I wear my slippers on my hands***?

***If anyone knows the term that means "ambidextrous, but for your feet not your hands" please let me know. Normally I would use my amazing googling skills and find the answer, but clearly if I don't have time for being a blogging friend****, I don't have time to spend on googling such subjects.

****Oops, I haven't gotten around to the part where I'm going to quit reading all your blogs, but I hope you won't quit reading mine.....because I'm fucking selfish like that and I promise you, once this stressful time in my life has passed, I will start reading your blogs again.

Soooooo.......

Remember how I told you I was going to be a bad blogging friend and ignore your awesome blogs? Well that time has come, my friends. The dreaded preliminary exam time has arrived. I take written exams on September 27 and 28 and October 1 and 2 and then an oral exam (insert inappropriate comment here) on October 11.

My plan until then includes the following. Live off of cheesy tortillas, fruit rollups, and diet mountain dew. Live in sweatpants and study from a fort of pillows and blankets in my living room. Occasionally force myself to go for a run because as addicted to studying as I become, I also have future half marathons in October to think about. Bring Ruby for a long daily walk/to the dog park. Just because I'm okay being a hermit that studies biochemical pathways does not mean my dog enjoys it. Become nocturnal, because all the best things happen at night. Sporadically write a post or two. Feel guilty for not reading your blog. :(

So that is my life now.

Love and awesome slippers and not so awesome exams,
Me

I expect the Department of Transportation to give me some sort of credit for this

2012-09-10T09:32:00.003-05:00

On June 28, 2012, I wrote the post Mathematically, you're the asshole not me.

I included a magnificent picture I made in Powerpoint that depicts two scenarios. In both pictures, the left lane is closed ahead. In Picture A, everyone merges early, causing a back up of traffic and leaving an empty, still useable lane. In Picture B, people use both lanes until just before the merge and then apply the zipper method of merging.

I argued that Picture B is the correct way to react to a lane closure, and people that merge to the right lane immediately are assholes, causing a back up of traffic.

A picture of two models:

Today, I was listening to KFAN, a Minneapolis-based sports talk radio show and I heard a little ditty on a radio ad. Something about "using the zipper method," and at the end of the song, a man encouraged listeners to visit dothezippermerge. So I did.

And I was shocked to see that the Minnesota Department of Transportation has taken my idea, made an entire website about it, came up with a catchy title and song ("Do the zipper merge!") and completely took my ideas ("so the next time you see me cruising in the empty lane, consider that you might be the bigger asshole in this situation") and used them ("the zipper method reduces the overall length of traffic backup, by up to 40%").

I expect some sort of credit for ad campaign.

Love and zipper merges,

Minnesotans, vote NO.

2012-09-09T15:37:00.001-05:00

This November is very important because 1. I need to make more deer hunting videos and 2. it's an election year. It's no secret that I'm a granola-munching-bunny-hugger, so I'm pretty sure you can all guess who is getting my vote for the Prez. If you want informed, unbiased reasons why I'm voting the way I am, then please ask. If you are looking to start a fight, then move along, little one.

There is an issue on the Minnesota state ballot that is important to me. It is the Minnesota Same-Sex Marriage Amendment. Basically, it is up to Minnesota voters to decide if our state will amend our constitution to read that "Only a union of one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as a marriage in Minnesota."

For those of you voting in Minnesota, you will see the following wording on your ballot:

Limiting the status of marriage to opposite sex couples.

"Shall the Minnesota Constitution be amended to provide that only a union of one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as a marriage in Minnesota?"

YES

NO

I am happy that I pledged to vote No and joined the Minnesotans United for All Families.

If you are considering voting yes or are undecided, please step back and ask yourself why.

What gives you the right to tell someone they cannot be married?

Are you against same sex marriage because it is ungodly? Take three minutes to watch this video, please.

If you don't want to watch it, basically it is a video of a Minnesota Representative who makes the argument that a person's sexuality, whether heterosexual or homosexual, comes from God. We should respect a person's sexuality, no matter what it is.

Are you against same sex marriage because the Bible defines marriage as between a man and a woman?

If so, have you considered that the Bible was written by people, just like you and me, who are capable of making mistakes, even when guided by the hand of God? It is difficult to interpret the Bible, particularly because it was written so long ago. And how do we decide which verses of the Bible to follow and which ones are outdated? There are verses that say eating shellfish, wearing clothes made of more than one fabric, getting tattooed or pierced, playing football (with pigskin), and touching dead animals are all sinful. I think most of us agree these verses are outdated.

Also, there are verses in the Bible that define marriage as between a man and many women. There are verses to support concubines in addition to marriages. What about a marriage only being valid if the wife is a virgin?

I realize this post would be a lot more respectable if I actually cited the Bible. But I'm not going to take the time for that. Sorry.

Remember up until 1967 when interracial marriage was still illegal in (parts of) the United States? That seems ridiculous. "You mean a black man couldn't marry a white woman?" I remember asking this question as a little girl. I truly hope the next generation of children is equally as baffled by "You mean a woman couldn't marry another woman?"

I once came upon this quote (I apologize I don't have the source....but hey, I'm not really citing anything in this post, so it's fitting):

"If you cut my skin, I will bleed red. If you cut anyone else's skin, no matter their color, gender, political orientation, sexual orientation, or religion, they will bleed red. We are all human. People need to remember that."

I try to remember this every day. We are all human.

Another one of my favorites:

"If the fetus you save is gay, will you still support it's rights?"

Hmmmm? Well? How about the right to marry?

And a quote from the video I posted:

"How many more gays must God create before we accept that He wants them around?"

Here is a statement made by Chris Kluwe.

I would love gays to have the capability to turn people into lustful cockmonsters, but the truth is, they don't possess that power. Just like I don't. They should possess the same rights that I have regarding marriage, however.

I've discovered that people are pretty selfish, and they vote selfishly rather than thinking of the greater good for all people. For example:

A man doesn't support government programs such as food stamps until his young, college-educated daughter is having difficulty finding a well-paying job, so she applies for food stamps.

A woman is anti-abortion until her sister finds herself in a difficult pregnancy.

A young professional votes for candidates who are against health care programs/reform until his grandfather cannot afford the medications necessary to keep him alive and realizes how important government health care programs/reform are.

A person just like you is against gay marriage until their son comes to them and asks for their support in his right to marry his boyfriend.

People are selfish and tend to vote based only upon their needs. This election, take a step back and ask "Will this negatively affect me? Will this help others?" If you truly analyze these questions regarding the Minnesota marriage amendent, I feel you will find the answers are No and Yes, respectively.

****
I apologize for this post, because this is such an important post to me, I should have put a lot more time, effort, and research into it.

You might ask why I care so much about this issue. It's about equality. It's about common sense. It's about doing what is right. No, I'm not gay. But if I was gay I would hope my family and friends would support same sex marriage because dammit, why shouldn't I, a human just like you, be allowed to marry my girlfriend? I want my gay friends to be allowed to marry. If I have a gay child, I want them to be allowed to marry if they choose to do so. I don't think I am important enough to say, "Thou shall not marry because you are homosexual." I don't think anyone is that important or powerful. But Minnesota is giving that power to the voters. Please Minnesota, vote No.

I found this somewhere on Facebook, but since I'm not really citing anything today, I'm not taking the time to find the original source for you. Sorry.

Love and No votes,
Me

Race #6 and I lied to you before

2012-09-08T23:41:00.000-05:00

Holla. As promised I am keeping you updated on my major running events. So, today I finished race #6 in my 12 in 2012 challenge. I ran the Dick Beardsley Half Marathon in Detroit Lakes, MN.

I'll give you the quick and dirty stats and then let you decide if you want to wander over to Ugly Toes to read the full recap.

Time: 2:02:16

1/2 split: 1:00:28

Average pace: 9:20 per mile

Overall place: 340 of 584

Gender place: 98 of 258

Age division place (Females age 25-29): 15 of 35

I was really happy with this time. If you asked me what my goal was, I would have told you 2:15:00, because that is what I ran my last (and first) half marathon in, and I haven't been as dedicated to my training for this race. Seems reasonable.

If you are my Parental Units or Brother, you know me very well, so after I gave you the 2:15:00 answer, you would have asked, "What is your real goal?" See, I have a habit of setting a very attainable goal to the public. This way, I meet my goal and everyone is happy. But I always have a secret goal that I would really like to achieve. If it happens, super, because I'm happy and I've blown my public goal out of the water. If it doesn't happen, then no big deal because I met my public, attainable goal, right?. Win-win, right?

For example, for my first half marathon, I told you that my goal was just to finish or maybe 2:40:00. I lied to you. In reality, my goal was 2:15:00. I had no idea if I could reach this goal. I knew it would be difficult, but what good is a goal if it doesn't challenge you? So I set this personal goal and I met it. Yay.

So, for the Dick Beardsley Half Marathon, my public goal was 2:15:00. My real goal was 2:10:00. I admittedly wasn't as dedicated to my training, but I knew that I could shave some time off, so I thought 2:10:00 was a challenging goal. So I was super pumped when I came in at 2:02:16. Sort of.

See, I was having such a good race, I knew early on that a sub-2:00:00 time was a possibility. I confirmed this at the 9-mile marker. A sub-2:00:00 time is a goal I hope to reach at next year's Fargo Half Marathon (May 2013). All of a sudden it became possible for me to reach that goal in this Dick Beardsley race! What!!?? So I ran my heart out and ended up running my body into the ground. I sadly watched the two hour mark tick by on my watch, but I still pushed it to the end. Perhaps sub-2:00:00 will be my secret goal for my next half.

So, what I'm trying to say is I only tell people about my mediocre goals and I'm never happy. I mean I was so dang close to sub-2:00:00. It's like I would rather come in 14th than 2nd because 2nd is SO close to 1st! Oh well......Be happy, right?

On another note, endorphins are crazy. After my race, I was so high on life I felt like crying and giggling at the same time. It was awesome.

Here are some pictures:

Finisher!

All showered and ready to chow pizza.

~~Embarrassing~~ Sexy pose in my sweet new shirt.

Sweet swag.

Love and race #6,

Seriously, check out Ugly Toes for a better race recap.

It's official: I'm a natural disaster

2012-09-06T08:38:00.000-05:00

I recently sent this eCard to Jason for his birthday.

Courtesy....

It turns out I'm the disaster because there is a hurricane named after me! That's right, bitches, Hurricane Leslie is on it's way.

Move, bitch, get out the way (courtesy....)

Are you going to be a hurricane any time soon? Check out the list of 2012 hurricane names here. (Thanks, Wikipedia).

Hurricane Leslie doesn't appear to be very destructive or deadly, but devastation is in my hurricane blood, so you shouldn't feel too safe. See, when a hurricane is exceptionally destructive, it's name is retired since that hurricane becomes a household name (in whatever region it hit). For example, Katrina is now a retired hurricane name. Both of my parents have retired hurricane names. And my dad's hurricane was the most deadly hurricane ever in the Atlantic. So, you may think Hurricane Leslie is weak, but beware: destruction is in my blood.

Love and hurricanes,
Me

PS - In no way do I wish harm on anyone or any place, but it would be kind of cool to have a retired hurricane name. Or maybe that's the nerd in me.

4 is not a real number: another stupid conversation with Jason

2012-09-05T10:34:00.001-05:00

My friend Jason should get his own label for this blog, but I can't think of anything appropriate and "Jason" is boring. Any help guys? (See update below)

Who is Jason? Basically me. But a dude. And Asian. Other than that, we are exactly the same. He's a best friend of mine. More often than not our conversations are completely pointless and probably really annoying to anyone but us. Like the time I explained why spiral mac and cheese is the best, or when I called myself a mullet and then we got in an argument over who was more mullet-like. We also invented made up Scrabble, and he was semi-responsible for my black eye.

Anyway, the other day we had a classic L-Kat-Jason conversation.

Jason was going to the race track and I told him to bet on horse #4 because 4 is my favorite number.

Jason: No. I always do, and horse 4 never wins. Probably because 4 is a stupid number.

Me: Take that back. There wouldn't be a 14 [Jason's favorite number] without 4.

Jason: How does 4 stand up anyway? 4 defies the laws of physics. Look at it. It should tip over to the left. Stupid 4, not following the laws of physics.

Me: No. 4 is really an H, but it's doing a yoga pose so it looks like 4. That is how cool 4 is. It's secretly a letter that is all calm and Buddha like. Which makes it an awesome number.

Jason: No, that makes it a letter not a number.

Me: Whatever. It's still the best number.

There you have it. Another pointless conversation with Jason, but it's these conversations that make me love him so dang much.

Love and impostor numbers,
Me

UPDATE: Thank you to The Management from A Prince and Prozac for naming all Jason-related posts "Jason is basically me but a dude and Asian." I sort of feel like I should have been able to come up with that. Apparently not though, so thanks to The Management for taking care of that! :)

This damn ghost won't let me sleep

2012-08-30T12:19:00.001-05:00

Remember how Sleep Cycle is the creepiest app ever? No? Then read this post first. Do you remember what the 3 a.m. Phenomenon is? No? Seriously, you need to read this first.
All caught up? Hokay. Thanks to this Sleep Cycle app, I have further proof* there are ghosts in my house.

*Not that I need further proof. I think seeing a ghost is pretty concrete proof. And remember when the little neighbor girl told me she sees the ghost in my apartment? Yep, I don't need any more proof. But I have it.

Exhibit A: Note how I woke up at 0300. Obviously because there was a ghost in my room.

Exhibit B: Again, note that I woke up at 0300. Ghosts.

This is becoming a pattern.

Love and sweet dreams,

It's the most fantastical time of the year!

2012-08-28T12:46:00.000-05:00

I love this time of year. Fall is my by far my favorite season. I realize it's not fall yet, but it's back-to-school time, so basically summer is over and fall has begun. [Speaking of back to school, I am a PhD student that works on campus year round....every year it's fun to play the "pick out the freshmen" game. It gets easier as I get older. You know the ones: the kids who look like they are twelve, hair all done, makeup on, actual put-together-outfits at 0700 hours, wearing backpacks that actually house their textbooks, holding maps and looking lost....so much fun to ~~make fun of~~ help them.]

Fall means cooler weather (and this is coming from the sun goddess herself), warm scarves, cuddly sweaters. Pretty colors, crisp breezes, cute jackets. Fall for me means I dye my hair back to its natural dark brown (since the sunworshiping/bleaching of the hair is over).
I can put away all the fruity/summery/beachy scented candles, room sprays, plug-in fragrances and switch to scents like Autumn, Leaves, Apple Cider, Pumpkin Spice. Yummm! I'm happy just pretending to smell these.

The two biggest reasons I love fall? Football and Halloween.

What will I be doing every Thursday/Sunday/Monday? Watching football, having a few beers, and yelling at the tv. This is 'Merica, baby. And let's not forget how important fantasy football is to me. (For a completely accurate Idiot's Guide to Fantasy Football visit A Beer For the Shower). Let's see.....this year I am in two draft leagues, one auction league, four salary cap leagues, two pick 'em leagues, and two survival leagues. I eat, breathe, and sleep fantasy football.

And Halloween: the best holiday ever. The Halloween season for me runs from September 1-November 1. My house is decorated with creepy candelabras, skulls, pumpkins, bats, and spider webs. I make a Halloween wreath. I bust out the Halloween door mat. I use "Blood" hand soap. I refuse to use normal lighting and live by candlelight or purple Halloween lights. And let's not forget about the annual L-Kat Scarefest. For two weeks straight I watch at least one scary movie a night. The Exorcist is always the grand finale. I go to bed scared silly and usually sleepless, so when November finally rolls around I'm exhausted. I freakin love it!!

This fall is also going to be pretty stressful. I have two presentations in early September, and my preliminary exams are scheduled. My written exams are September 27 and 28 and October 1 and 2. My oral exam is on October 11. After that I can breathe easy for a while. :)

What do you love about fall?

Love and pretty colored leaves,
Me

My mom covered up my bird's murder

2012-08-23T10:34:00.001-05:00

For this post you need to know the following.
1. Parents sometimes lie. This post is a good example of a completely acceptable lie.
2. Growing up I had pets. One of them was a black lab named Hudson and one of them was a parakeet named Tweety (I had not yet developed my naming-creativity at this point).
3. Tweety used to fly around our house.

Hokay, begin the story.

*****
Mom: Honey, I have to tell you some bad news. Tweety died last night. I woke up this morning and he was just laying in the bottom of his cage. He must have died in his sleep. I'm so sorry.

Six-year-old Me: That's too bad, but at least he died peacefully.

*****
Fast forward twenty years. My mom and I were reflecting on pets.

Me: Tweety was a good bird. It was cool that we let him fly around the house.

Mom: Yeah, but that wasn't probably such a good idea. (starts laughing) Remember when Hudson ate Tweety?

Me (jaw on floor): ..........

Mom: I couldn't believe it. Just plucked him right from the air.

Me (jaw on floor): ..........

Mom: You can't blame him; he was a hunting dog. But that's why all the other birds after Tweety were cage birds.

Me (jaw on floor): What?!??!! Hudson ate Tweety!!? You told me Tweety died in his sleep!

Mom: Oh, I'm sorry. I never told you the truth? Hmmm....I thought I did.

*****
Looking back, the lie was very wise of her, because six-year-old me would have been very pissed at my murderous dog. However, twenty-six year old me had an innocent picture of Hudson, and I would have preferred it stayed that way.

So this is an example of an acceptable lie to tell your children. And a perfect example of a lie you should remember you told and take with you to the grave.

Love and childhood pets,
Me

Nickname obsession

2012-08-22T09:49:00.002-05:00

I'm surprised my dog hasn't gone through some sort of identity crisis. On my walk to work this morning I was listing all the names that I call her. How she even still answers to Ruby is beyond me.

Her full name is Madame Butterfly Ruby Zubinka Tuesday, but I rarely call her that. Here is what I do call her:

Ruby
Ruby Tuesday
Tuesday
Tues
Rubes
Rubis Cubis
Rubis
Rubix Cube
Ruby Cube-y
Zubinka
Zoobs
Zooby
Ploo-Plinka
Rubinator
Rubicon
Rubicondra
Ruby-Tooby
Binky
Binka
Savage

I'm sure there are more names, but these are the top ones. In any given day, I call her all of these names at least once.

She is a very patient and loving dog.

Love and nicknames,
Me

Hi! I'm here! But probably not for long.....

2012-08-21T15:51:00.000-05:00

I suck at being a blogging friend. I haven't been around all summer. What I don't suck at is making excuses....there are a lot of "reasons" I have been ignoring you all. The two biggest reasons?
1. I'm too busy at work to troll the Internet and
2. I am spending more free time running, playing with Ruby Zubinka, hanging out with the awesome Greg RN, and reading books and less free time trolling the Internet.

Fair reasons, I'd say. I don't blog for cash money, I don't blog for fame, I don't blog for any online magazines/articles/features. I blog for me, and if my life is filled with running and books and school work, then I don't feel too bad about that.

A reason I think I might start being a better blogging friend: I ordered a new Macbook Air. My current laptop's keyboard has been broken for a year, so using it requires that I lug a keyboard around with me. It's annoying. But now, I will have a sleek, portable laptop (hokay, who am I trying to kid? I don't need it to be portable, per se, I just need it not to be so awkward on my lap on the couch....balancing my laptop and a keyboard was just clumsy).

A reason I think I will continue to suck at being a blogging friend: I have my preliminary exams coming up this fall. What are these? Well it is a solid five days of written exams from my PhD committee. I have 24 hours to complete each exam, so in theory, I could be writing for five solid days with no sleep. In reality, I'll give up much earlier than the 24 hour deadline, go home, eat cheese by the block and fruit rollups and diet dew, and crash for a few hours before I start the next exam.

After the written exams are over, if I pass, then I do an oral exam, where my committee members grill me on any and everything. Really any and everything.

If I don't pass both exams, then I fail out of my PhD program. It is a highly stressful time in a PhD student's life.

There is no real way to prepare for these exams since you can be asked about anything, but I will still be studying my previous coursework like mad (aka cramming five years of graduate courses into a month of studying). Super.

So there is my update. I still love all of you, and please know that when I get around to reading your posts, you are bringing me joy and smiles and giggles and snorts. Don't forget about me and DDLD. :( I won't forget about you. I'll just be around ~~a little~~ ~~a lot~~ I'm not sure how much less.

Love and apologies,
Me