Dear Future Husbands

Dear Lindsay

2012-02-14T13:46:00.000-06:00

This Saturday marks an important moment in DFH history. The first among us is getting married!

I wrote out this devotion for one of Lindsay's bridal showers and I thought it had some ideas worth sharing! A lot of them come from "The Meaning of Marriage" by Tim Keller. Hope you enjoy it!

In general, our culture has a terrible view of marriage. It's seen as outdated, boring, disposable and often not worth the effort to save. We are surrounded by peers who cannot fathom the idea of a relationship where living together is not a precursor to marriage. Our society has more examples than it could ever need of couples who couldn't make the relationship work because they could not put the "we" above the "me", but this isn't the example of marriage we are meant to have.

God has a better plan for marriage. A better way. A better example.

In Ephesians, Paul tells wives to submit to their husbands and tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. In God's example of marriage, we are called, not to selfishness, but to sacrifice. We are not to live for ourselves but for the other.

I know you have all heard this verse many times, but try to think about the words.

Love is patient, kind, it does not envy or boast, it is not proud, rude or self-seeking.

None of these words are about preservation of self, not of them are about making us feel better.

If this is real love, how many celebrity marriages can you think of that show this example of love, how many movies portray this kind of sacrifice and grace. They don't. You know why? Because, Satan hates marriage, because it is an example of Jesus' relationship with the church. He wants us to keep thinking that the root of marriage is all about self. But Christ didn't come down to earth for himself, Christ came and laid down his life, so that we might have life… what a great example of selflessness, what a tremendous example of grace.

Lindsay, this Saturday is a marking point, another step in the journey that you and Steve have already started on, a chance to see, live and experience the wonders of marriage that God has prepared for the two of you. You will have disagreements, you will have bad days, you will going through trying times, but you will also have the amazing privilege of being an example to others of the grace we have been given through Jesus.

Marriage isn't supposed to be about us. It's meant to be part of our testimony to those around us. Lindsay, through your relationship with Steve, I pray that you are each able to show grace, as Christ showers his grace upon the church, not only for the sake of each other, but also, so that others might now the grace of Jesus through you.

Near Future Husbands

2012-01-24T00:19:00.003-06:00

It's amazing what can happen in a year and a half, since we started this blog.

What started out as a half-serious joke has become a great source of discussion and encouragement!

Dear Future Husbands,

Through this blog we've come to really examine our ideas about our relationships with you: assumptions we've made that we've learned to let go of, and character qualities we've learned are essential.

Future Husbands, we love you, and we're looking forward to spending the rest of our days with you!

On behalf of Brittany, Lindsay, and Marlys:

Thanks for the bling :)

"I don't wanna marry someone until I have a job"

2011-11-24T01:55:00.002-06:00

truth.

2011-11-10T11:10:00.000-06:00

R-E-S-P-E-C-T ....sock it to me

2011-11-09T00:01:00.001-06:00

Worth Waiting for

2011-11-08T23:15:00.003-06:00

Dear future husband,

It may have taken me 22 years to realize it buuuut.....

I may be the worst athlete ever but I still play the game.
I may not be able to open every jar, but i can cook a mean meal
My muscles may fail me, but I'm strong-willed
I am the worst navigator but I love a good adventure
I may complain, but I will probably make you laugh in the process
I may be stubborn, but I know what I believe in.
I sing all the time, but I'm not awful
I may take long showers, but i smell good just for you
I may not be fit for the cover of maxim but I am beautiful

It's hard to find someone who can see beyond the acne, the clumsiness, the goofiness, the quirks, the flaws...
but I swear I'm worth it.

Fasting from Intimacy

2011-08-26T15:55:00.001-05:00

I believe that one day, I will look at my life and say with confidence that the single greatest blessing I have experienced of singleness has been pain of learning to live without physical intimacy.

Part of why it’s been so painful is probably the confusing struggle. It’s been (and is) a pretty hard sell to get my body on board with the idea that I’m not missing out on what I was created for. It’s challenging to not feel entitled. And in a moment of absolute vulnerability, it’s one of the things that has made it the hardest to trust my sweet and faithful God. And in some ways – in dark and frightened places – I feel forgotten and betrayed and confused.

Because I know He knows me. I know He knows my body and my heart ,and I know He designed and wired this desire inside of me in the same way He wired my belly to grumble slightly around 11:02 AM. My hunger is designed to prompt me to eat. And so I do. And yet, my Father has told me that when I am hungry in this sense I must trust Him and not find food for myself. And He has seen fit not to give me any guarantee that this hunger will ever be satisfied.

There is pain. There is pain in watching my friends be fed one after another with the thing I feel like I need the most. There is pain in facing each morning with the knowledge that today there will be no daily bread for this hunger. There is pain as I sit, feeling as though I am starving to death, and listen to my married friends try to explain to me that eating is overrated.

And the truth is: this is the biggest blessing of my life.

You know what it makes me think about? Fasting. Fasting is strange. I think it’s weird that God is about physical fasting. It involves a need that is seemingly purely physical.

When I am lonely, I ultimately want God. When I am sad, only God can bring true joy. When I am afraid, it points me to the promises of God. When I feel rejected, unwanted, unloved, alone, in all these needs, God alone will bring true and lasting peace.

But, when I’m hungry, I want a cheeseburger and some fries.

Physical desires seemingly terminate on physical things. And that’s the beauty of fasting. God commands us to fast, not so that He can prove He is as good as a cheeseburger by making our hunger go away. God commands us to fast so that we learn to feel hungry and trust Him in the midst of that gnawing sense of need.

The goal of fasting is not for God to remove our hunger, but for us to learn that in the midst of hunger He is trustworthy. The feeling of hunger is the point of the fast. God wants us to feel hunger so that we are reminded that we are not supposed to be satisfied and we are supposed to long for Him. We fast to reflect that we trust God regardless of what our bodies tell us. He is our authority, not our bodies.

Today, my body wants something tangible and physical. My body doesn’t know that God will satisfy all my needs. It just wants what it was made to have. And today, I don’t get to have that. And so the line is drawn in the sand and the challenge is made. Today, what will be my source of truth? Who will be the one who determines what I need? My body? Or my God? Who knows my needs better? Me or Jesus? When I feel so clearly what I ‘need’, will I trust Him that there is a greater need? Will I learn to be hungry so that I can trust Him in hunger, not just in plenty?

There is no area in my life that makes me more likely to doubt the promises of God than this area. I have told friends through tears that many days I do not feel like I have everything I need for life and godliness because of this. I do not know how I am going to persevere in light of my hunger and in light of my Father’s gracious call to purity.

And so, this pain, more than anything else will teach me to trust. Each day, as the sun goes down and I still find myself securely held in the arms of the Father, my faith is built. He doesn’t promise to give me everything I need to never be hungry. He promises to give me everything I need to not starve to death on the road home to Him. And today I’m alive; He has proven Himself faithful. There is only one thing I really need. And it is secure.

You will waste this suffering if you fail to use it to witness about the greatness of God. Our God is a God of pleasure. He is not calling us to hunger because he wants us to be miserable. He is calling us to hunger because He wants us to experience the greatest pleasure available to man. There is nothing that sounds as foolish to the world as a person who would pursue purity, not out of some sense of religious obligation, but out of a faith that there is a greater pleasure in store for those who would trust in the Creator. There is nothing that makes God look as beautiful as when we, who have tasted His goodness, would use our lives to testify that we will forego any momentary joy in order to taste more of Him.

Fabienne Harford lives in Austin, Texas where she works on staff at The Austin Stone Community Church. You can find more thoughts from Fabs at fabsharford.com.

Via [Relevant Magazine]

Should We Get Married (Part Two)

2011-08-26T12:32:00.002-05:00

Guest writer and blogger Bewilderedmother wrote part one of this and we wanted to follow up with part two:

Should We Get Married? (Part Two)

Check it out!

Caitlin Willard married her best friend, Tom, after a year of friendship, followed by a year of courtship, and then an eight-month, long-distance engagement (which was too long on both accounts). Tom is a United States Marine. They are currently stationed in North Carolina and welcomed the arrival of their honeymoon baby, Josiah, last fall.

Damsels in Distress

2011-08-23T15:03:00.002-05:00

I am not super enthusiastic about the whole idea of being locked in a tower and I definitely don't want you, future husband, to call me "princess". However, I do appreciate being rescued.

Whether it's disposing of a dead rodent, helping solve a technical problem, moving a heavy bookshelf or coming to my aid when I get a flat tire or run out of gas, I love knowing that there is a strong, brave, smart, reliable man who will help me when I get into situation we can't handle on my own.

LADIES: Remeber the guys like helping you! So if you are like me and want to prove that you can do everything on your own, don't be afraid to step back and let the man in your life show of how awesome he is by rescuing you from your predicaments every once and while! Save your heroics for a time when there isn't an obliging gentleman around.

Should We Get Married? (Part One)

2011-07-08T15:11:00.003-05:00

Guest writer and blogger Bewilderedmother wrote the following blog:

Should We Get Married? (Part One)

Check it out!

Caitlin Willard married her best friend, Tom, after a year of friendship, followed by a year of courtship, and then an eight-month, long-distance engagement (which was too long on both accounts). Tom is a United States Marine. They are currently stationed in North Carolina and welcomed the arrival of their honeymoon baby, Josiah, last fall.

Jesus Saviour, Pilot Me

2011-06-25T13:34:00.000-05:00

The new series at my church is going over The Kingdom, and God's Government in the heart, and the world. Without delving into an overview of the whole series, I am going to skip straight to something that came to mind today and is worth pondering. The Beatitudes.

As my pastor was talking, a few things he said led me down a rabbit trail which I followed further as the afternoon went on. Now to connect all these thoughts it may seem a bit...unrelated, but bear with me. As believers we are called daily to strive to let Christ infiltrate our entire lives, not only certain parts or on particular days of the week, but to tear down our walls and let him change us. We are called to live under the reign of God. It should be common sense that our entire lives fall under that umbrella of Gods control, our personal lives, relationships, and even our marriages. It seems to me that often marriage can be one of those easy areas of life we selfishly want to keep control over. As if we could run and regulate a relationship/marriage better than Christ could...

Marriage is an example and reflection of Christ and the church, and His love. Should we not use biblical principles to make our marriages work correctly, the way the Lord intended them? As we went through the beatitudes this morning I couldn't help but think it was an excellent summary of how we should live within our marriages. First off - lets define blessed and go through the main beatitudes. I'm going to quote the study notes in the ESV, "Blessed is more than a temporary or circumstantial feeling of happiness, this is a state of well-being in relationship to God that belongs to those who respond to Jesus' ministry." As we go through the list of beatitudes I recognize how selfless they are, and that they are always a reflection, ultimately, of Christ. "The poor in spirit are those who recognize they are in need of God's help. Those who mourn...loss resulting from sin should lead to mourning and a longing for God's forgiveness and healing. Meek are 'gentle', those who do not assert themselves over others in order to further their own agendas in their own strength...those who trust in God to direct the outcome of events. Those who hunger and thirst for righteousness. The pure in heart. Peacemakers. Those who are persecuted...God is pleased when his people show that they value him above everything in the world, and this happens when they courageously remain faithful amid opposition for righteousness' sake...."

These are all aspects of who Christ is calling us to be, how we are to live our lives and traits that will lead to having a blessed life - one approved by God. If we pray for a blessed marriage, shouldn't we apply these truths? Shouldn't we recognize our sin, our need for Christ, be pure at heart, be peacemakers, be meek, and acknowledge that we will have times of persecution and times of trouble - but remain faithful (both to Christ and our spouses)? Regardless of whether or not I, or anyone reading this is married currently or not, as believers we should be reflecting these principles in our friendships, relationships, and preparing for our future marriage. If we don't start now, it's not likely saying the words "I do" and signing a certificate are going to change your character and habits in one swoop.

One things I've learned is that the Kingdom calls us to live backwards, or upside down from the rest of the world. If you try to do anything backwards or upside down (walking, biking, writing, driving, running...etc.) it takes a significantly larger amount of concentration, time and energy to do. This life living under Christs reign never claimed to be easy. Its no wonder people don't understand why we live and do things the way we do...its opposite from everything an unbeliever knows. Living by law is pretty easy and straightforward, and in many instances can even let you get away with more by finding loop-holes and having the "right" to legally get away with things even if they hurt others. Living by the beatitudes takes much more discipline, patience and selflessness.

Lets do our friends and future spouses a favor by approaching relationships and marriage with ethics based on relationship rather than law.

From the Trenches (Part Three)

2011-06-10T11:37:00.002-05:00

Here are responses from Caitlin, you can check out her blog about being a new mom here.

1. What is the best piece of relationship advice you have learned or heard?
Communication really is important. Some specific advice: The silent treatment is for twelve-year old girls. It might not seem like a big deal, but will rip apart a marriage. Nothing builds up walls more quickly than not talking something out. Do take a moment to think about what you are going to say before you say it. Don't bring up anything that might spark a disagreement or constitutes decision-making before bed. And if you don't have something nice to say, wait until you do.

2. What advice do you have for overcoming the hard times in marriage?
Can I be frank? HAVE SEX. It will help you relax, refocus, and remind you that you and your spouse are a team. If you work together, you can do anything. Empower each other; go get naked.

I don't condone premarital sex. Sex only brings true unity within marriage. Outside of marriage or apart from marriage, sex isolates the physical relationship and causes the other parts of a relationship (companionship, emotional, mental, social aspects) to suffer.

3. How did you know that your spouse was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?
We loved each other unconditionally as best friends. He was and is extremely attractive, and apparently he thought I was good-looking, too. Since we already loved each other's companionship, it made the perfect foundation for marriage. We knew that once we got married and added physical intimacy, we would have a structurally sound marriage. (Pardon the construction metaphors—my dad is an architect!)

4. Now that you are married, what do you recognize as a misconception about marriage?
I guess the biggest misconception I heard was how much couples fight. Don't get me wrong, we have plenty of misunderstandings, some which result in tears or frustration, but once we talk it out, we make up, and it's done with. I think it's because we never allow ourselves to think of the other as the enemy or antagonist.

5. What was something in your marriage that was difficult that you never would have expected?
We talked about the big stuff while we were courting and engaged, like how we planned on raising our children, what our expectations were for each other as wife, husband, mother and father, but there are little things that you don't even think about. His family wears their shoes in the house. In my family's house, nobody does. I joked for a while about my husband wearing his shoes in our house, until I realized that my preconception was that if someone wore shoes in the house, they weren't comfortable there. And of course he was comfortable in our house. Examine what you joke or tease about...because there is usually something deeper there. It's usually stupid, but it is good to figure those preconceptions out.

Thanks Caitlin!

this charming man

2011-05-28T19:43:00.000-05:00

I wrote this a while ago and it's just been sitting here. I figured today it could still be of use to others - hopefully.

This post is going to be a little bit different. After writing and re-writing, I can't think of any other way to say this other than to make it sort of like a short journal entry. Which isn't what I wanted to do, but that's just how it needs to be I guess.

One thing I need to promise myself will always be a deal-breaker: how a guy handles messy and confusing situations. I will quickly lose trust and faith in him if he ducks and runs whenever trouble seems near. If he is too scared to admit an issue and discuss it - or heavens...FIGHT about it - I'm not so sure it will work. That's the real bummer of the problem, we can get along splendidly, you can flirt and compliment me until the sky turns purple, listen to the same music, share commonalities - but if you can't fight with me when the going gets a little tough...it was all for nothing.

I'm learning that someone can be charming, excel in their careers, and speak wonderful things, but if they're not rich in character and integrity...the rest is a just a cheap guise.

Women, Keep Your Virtue

2011-04-23T16:00:00.001-05:00

Disclaimer: For entertainment purposes only!

From the Trenches (Part Two)

2011-04-19T12:30:00.004-05:00

If love is a battlefield, then I want to be prepared for war. The "From the Trenches" Series is going to be an on-going blog where I will post up responses from married people concerning advice they have gleaned after 1, 7 or 27 years of marriage.

Today, I want to share the responses from Sandy:

What is the best piece of relationship advice you have learned or heard?
Never stop dating your spouse. Plan dates and get excited about spending time together doing new things.

What advice do you have for overcoming the hard times in marriage?
We are all people that make mistakes. People hurt each other, sometimes on purpose and many times we don't even know how our words or actions have really hurt someone. Talk, fight, scream, work through the hard times the best way you know how, but work them through -- communicate. Nothing gets solved by keeping your feelings in.

How did you know that your spouse was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?
You just know. Sounds simple, but you just do. I still have that feeling. It makes me smile.

Now that you are married, what do you recognize as a misconception about marriage?
I had my perfect picture of marriage in my mind before we got married -- and it just didn't turn out that way. They were nice dreams but the twists and turns that real life brings your way can be so much more exciting. Just relax, be flexible and enjoy the ride... holding on tight to your spouse all the way!

What was something in your marriage that was difficult that you never would have expected?
The differences in men's brains and women's brains. It's worth taking a class to understand those guys. I also love the "Love Languages" book ... very, very insightful for John and I!

John and Sandy answered these and many other questions as part of the marriage series at their church recently. You can listen to the whole Man vs. Wife series on Meadow Spring's website.

Here is the video from the Q&A:

Marriage Q&A from Meadow Spring Community Church on Vimeo.

Woman = Problems

2011-04-15T12:05:00.002-05:00

How Chick Flicks Have Ruined Our Brains

2011-04-07T23:46:00.003-05:00

GIRLS - This post is mostly for you, but we won’t stop the guys from reading!

Chick flicks get girls all caught up in the idea that love needs to be this perfect moment, complete with fireworks, swelling music and a foot-popping first kiss. We begin to believe that our relationships should live up to every girly movie that we have ever watched.

So, what is it about the chick flick that is so appealing? Ok, I know the answer: romance - to be swept off your feet, to feel special, wanted and undeniably sure that a man loves you. These are all real desires of a woman’s heart, but they have been distorted and tainted by chick flicks!

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a hard-hearted girl who is bitter at the idea of a man sweeping me off my feet. I want to hear that I am loved and appreciated. Those things are important – the emotions, the affirmations, but they are so much more meaningful in a relationship based on real feelings, with someone who loves you for the real you, with full knowledge of your talents, faults and quirks.

The following is a list of unrealistic chick flick musts that have ruined the way we interact with guys:

Meet Cute - The perfectly crafted meeting of two characters. This is not to say that the meeting is always pleasant – it could be an awkward situation, a life-saving moment, a fiery argument or the perfect matchup of wit – but whatever the case may be, the meeting is always entertaining, intriguing and suspenseful.

Real Relationships - It’s because of moments like this that we are constantly on the look out for the guy who has the perfectly charming thing to say, that would save our lives from a rolling dumpster or be able to take on our saucy wit. We often miss out on great friendships with guys or even a potentially great boyfriend because we are looking for a cinematically magical moment. Relax and have fun with new people, try not to put unnecessary pressure on yourself or the people you meet.

The Perfect Character – Chick flicks deal with character extremes, perfectly beautiful, outrageously awful, candidly charming. These fictitiously fabulous characters provide the perfect ground for an entertaining story.

Real Character - We need to remember not to compare ourselves, or the guys in our lives to these characters, we cannot live up the image of a perfect woman who has a team of make-up artists and he cannot live up to the guy who gets 12 chances to say the line that someone else thoughtfully wrote out. We can seek to have truly admirable character, to have the attributes that are desirable in a Godly woman. To be marked by joy, patience and gentleness.. among the other fruits of the spirit. :)

The Physical Attraction – No matter what chick flick you watch, there is always that heightened awareness of the physical chemistry between two characters. The glance across the room, the touch of their hands, the prolonged embrace or the perfect kiss under the night sky while the rain falls softly.

Perfect Chemistry - Movie makers are quite skilled at convincing us of this chemistry between couples on the big screen, but that doesn’t mean that every touch from every guy in our lives is secret code for “I am madly in love with you”. We need to recognize that physical touch is part of the way we are made as humans.

We need to remember that there is more to affection and relationships than the physical. I am reminded of the song Perfect Chemistry by Nevertheless, that says, "I may not be her perfect chemistry, But, if I can love her like you do, that's all she needs.” How much more thoroughly would we love each other if we could learn to love through the eyes of Christ.

The Big Gesture – At the end of every chick flick there is the big gesture: one of the characters makes a horrible mistake, realizes how wrong they were and comes back, ready to make the big gesture, the grand demonstration of their undying love.

A Lifelong Commitment - I think the idea of a big gesture effects us more when we get into long term relationships, we keep waiting for the great declaration of love, the perfectly formed speech, the amazing eloquent words that melt us to our core. GIRLS: Not every guy is gifted with a team of hollywood writers, we need to understand the fact that guys each have their strengths and weaknesses, and we need to be supportive and love them for who they are.

We should be looking for the guy who is ready to make that long journey with us, understand that anyone, given the right amount of time and perhaps the help from a few friends, could craft the perfect speech that would melt your heart, but not every man is ready to say that he will stand next to you through the hardest moments in your life and the most joyful moments in your life.

The Two-Hour Deadline – No matter what, every chick flick has resolution by the time the credits roll. We sit and watch a couple go from complete strangers to desperately in love in less than 120 minutes!

A God Beyond Timelines - God does not work in two-hour deadlines. He understand better than we ever will where we need to be and when. He places people, circumstances and challenges in our lives exactly as he plans to and that includes our futures, with or without a movie-worthy relationship.

Ultimately, we need to remember that our worth is not based on the approval of another man or having a story that could be told as a movie. These are just a few ways that chick flicks have ruined our brains, but recognizing where we have let these ideas creep into our minds is really important.

Women, hold on the fact that you have an Abba Father who knows the desires of your heart and is seeking that you first have an amazing love story with Him, the God who gave up His life so that you might live together for the rest of eternity, now there is a story of true love.

have faith that when you call my name i'll be there

2011-03-28T22:33:00.005-05:00

Dear future Mr. -

I eagerly look forward to the day we live together in our own place. There are several reasons for this, but at the moment I am awaiting the day I don't have to listen to scary noises that houses seem to create at night, all alone. I'll feel much safer when you're around.

with affection & regard,
your currently creeped out wife.

as copeland says, "let me draw the blinds for you. I'll be right there."
ps. let's have blinds in our house, yeah?

For the Love of Music

2011-03-28T14:53:00.001-05:00

Dear Future Husband -

I love music, finding new music, experiencing music. I spend lots of time finding new music, I love to share it with other people, hear their reactions. I love knowing the perfect song to recommend when someone's having a crappy day or I just don't know the right words to say to express exactly how I feel.

So, let's go to rock concerts, accoustic shows, choir competitions, operas, worship services, theaters and experience the music. Let's go hang out at Cheapo and rediscover classics or we can sit around in the living room listening to great music just for fun!

Let's Hear It For The Boy!

2011-03-27T11:48:00.004-05:00

It’s easy on a blog like this to fall into a pattern of putting the burden on men, and pointing out negative things that we think need to be changed. With this post, I’d like to go the completely opposite direction, and hopefully encourage some guys out there by pointing out the things we really appreciate about them!

So without further adieu, here are some things we’ve noticed in our own real-life interactions with some of you guys we actually know that have helped us form some very high opinions of you!

Holding doors - chivalry is not dead!
Moving heavy stuff for us
Assembling large items
Hanging things on walls
Repairing things in our house
Fixing car problems
Averting your eyes during certain scenes in movies (yeah, we notice. And we’re super impressed when we see it. See my expanded thoughts on this here.)
Offering your sweatshirt/jacket when it's cold - we know it’s huge and we look ridiculous, but it makes us feel cared for!
Building bonfires (I sure don't know how!)
Offering to pray for everyone before a meal - we reeeeally like seeing this!
Cleaning up after meals we’ve cooked! - thankyouthankyouthankyou!
Listening to what we have to say, asking questions and being truly interested in the answer
Complimenting us when you think we look nice - we remember, and we’re more likely to do it again! (Lindsay wrote a whole post on why this is important!)
Including us when you get a group of friends together to do something fun or just chill
Sticking to your own values to determine how you act, how you respond to difficult situations, what you do or do not let yourself be exposed to - When we’ve learned over time where you stand and what your boundaries are, we know we can trust you and feel and safe around you, knowing you're not going to try anything sketchy!
Looking out for us when walking around downtown
Escorting us to our cars when we've parked far away
Dropping us off at the door before parking when it's cold outside - and when it's time to go home, insisting that we wait inside while you pull the car around - WOW!!!
Dressing up nice for formal events - y’all look so sharp!
Recalling details of things we’ve talked about, details about our likes and dislikes, remembering what our favorite things are, and things that make each of us unique
Hugs. They make us feel small and cute!
Dancing with us! Yay!!
Doing/saying goofy things just to make us laugh!

GUYS: If you see yourself in some of these things - THANK YOU for being wonderful! We really appreciate knowing you and having you as friends!

Why don't we vocalise these appreciations all the time? Because it's hard! Lame excuse, I know. But I think it goes both ways, eh? ;)

GIRLS: Let's keep it going! What else do you see and appreciate about your guy friends that we can add to the list??

you've got a secret smile, and you use it only for me.

2011-03-17T21:09:00.000-05:00

I think most women (whether they admit it or not) have this basic instinct/desire within them. We want to please the men we're after - while we're being pursued, dating, engaged and even long after we've been married for years and years. We have a strong desire and urge to make you happy. The fact that we have the ability to make you, our men, proud to call us yours is...well...a really good feeling! Now since I obviously do not have the experience of marriage to speak upon - I'm going to narrow this down to something we can deal with and get chiseled into our brains while we are dating. I warn you, it will sound vain. Perhaps even shallow. Please trust me when I say there is much more to this topic than just conceit- and I could go on about it and all it's facets for a while, so I will try to keep it to the point.

The topic: Why ladies want to look nice, and how important it is that you, as men, vocalize when you notice! This is especially important and FAR less risky for you if you are in a relationship - in fact...it's mandatory!

Please tell your special lady that she is beautiful, and I recommend you do it often. I don't know if you know this, but if you have a planned date - she will purposefully spend time getting ready....not for the date. It's all for you, baby. She wants to look nice for you, not to impress people she doesn't know in the restaurant, or passers-by on the sidewalk, or even the waiter you're jealous of because HE notices you have a gorgeous girlfriend. Frankly - if the waiter or some schmuck in the parking lot makes it obvious he's noticed how pretty we are...and you don't say anything the whole night....you've ruined a perfectly good date night.

The more you tell her that she's beautiful, that she looks great in the color ____, or you love her hair like that, the more confident in the relationship she will be. Can I side-step the topic here for a quick interjection? -Confidence does wonders in relationships, for both genders. Seeing a relationship that both people are confident in themselves, and each other - you might as well just call the kettle black. I promise fewer pointless nights wasted on a poor guy trying to figure out why his girlfriend is upset but says nothing is wrong. It's either A) she spent time and energy trying to look nice for you, and you didn't even take a second glance or say a peep. B) you were giving more attention to another girl, or were more interested in your computer/tv screen. 86.7% of the time...that was probably where you went awry. The other percent I'm not really sure...she probably just had a fluke case of Girl Brain.

A shout out to the single guys, if a girl out there in your social realm has an interest in you - my guess is she's making sure she looks nice if she knows she's going to see you. The risk would be great to go around telling every dressed up girl she looks lovely tonight; and to be honest if I told you to do that...that would probably be really bad advice. So don't do that. However, if your interested in a girl it wouldn't hurt to give her a signal by paying her some sort of compliment.

I know that this has been my experience and observation, but feel free to comment and agree/disagree/offer advice!

It's really pretty simplistic. Just tell her she's pretty for crying out loud! She won't beat you up or slap you - unless you're a smarmy jerk whose out buying ladies drinks at tacky bars- but I don't think those guys are reading this blog.

when all is said and done, and i'm looking back upon this race i've run.

2011-03-15T10:54:00.003-05:00

I was reading today and was compelled to share something from it and encourage everyone (including myself). I was reading from a book by Paul David Tripp, called Broken-Down House: living productively in a world gone bad. One of the chapters I read today was entitled, "Listen to Eternity" and it really slapped me in the face, in a good way.

"Temporal things were never designed to be a source of hope" (including people).
"Eternity: It is necessary for our faith to make sense, and it should change how we live".

You see this world is so good at enticing us to think we need more. Of everything.
-My phone is the old model, I need to update it so I can do all the things I need to do.
-My car just doesn't run as well as it should, especially next to that 2011-just-washed-shiny one...
-This house just doesn't have enough space for...all my new junk I've accumulated.
-My friends just don't understand me, I think I'll find new ones who have more fun.
as you can see it becomes more and more substantial and personal...heaven forbid we get to the point when we are married and look at our spouse and they just don't seem to measure up or have what everyone else seems to have.

To keep this semi-brief, I was reminded to always be sure of where my hope is resting in. I'm just going to go ahead and quote the book here to avoid rambling:
"When these saints look back, they don't say, "We lived in the best house!" Or, "We wore the best clothes!" Or, "We ate the finest food!" Or, "We had the most wonderful marriage!" Or, "Life was so pleasurable and comfortable!" No, as fitting as it is to be thankful for all these things, this is not what fills the hearts of the saints in eternity...They have their values right, and in Scripture we are given a glimpse of what they consider central so we don't have to wait until we join them there to get our values right." (He was referencing Revelation 7:10).

In summary, this last chunk sunk it in for me:
"When you come to the end of a day or a week and pronounce it "good," what made it good? What is it that you are asking your situations and relationships to give you? Are you happy? Fulfilled? Content? Secure? Restful? Appreciative? Satisfied? If so, why? And if not, why not? What holds your hope?"

As we give advice on relationships, and wait for that next stage in our lives of marriage, it is necessary to be reminded that while these things are all good in and of themselves, we can not depend on another person, relationship, marriage, or life stage to fully satisfy us and bring us to the place we need to be - Christ is the only one who can or should hold that power and place.
If we don't realize that, all this great advice will be for naught, and someday our marriages will still be empty. I pray we realize that both in heart and mind.

i'm not the boy in your head

2011-03-14T16:30:00.003-05:00

Ladies, do you remember a time when you were told to write a list of qualities or characteristics you wanted in a guy? Maybe I grew up in a weird place, but I seem to remember that being a common piece of advice. Now that advice isn't all bad. It's obvious that each person is different and therefore we each need different characteristics, weaknesses and strengths, and it's vital to know what it is you need or don't need.

The problem is that how many of us have looked at or edited our lists since we were in Jr High? I have changed immensely since then, and I assume we all have. I think without admitting it or realizing it a lot of our lists have several things on them that really aren't necessary or vital. We've got this "mystery" guy who fits in a certain category and style, qualities we think they may have and exactly how that will look in his personality. It's amazing what the mind can do and we don't even realize.

You may meet someone who seems to fit this category of person you think you'll work well with. They wear plain V-neck shirts and listen to the same music as you, they have a sense of humor and seem to have a lot of the qualities you think you need. However, this is when we become the most blind. We completely miss the glaring obvious characteristic that doesn't work well with our own, whatever that may be. Perhaps they are impatient, nonvocal with their thoughts, or perhaps they have a horrible case of passive aggressiveness. Whatever it is, be careful that you are looking for the right things.

Are you looking for godly, biblical characteristics and qualities? Or just things you think might make you happy to have a nice looking guy who fits with your little niche of people? Also, guys, this applies to you too! Don't go looking for a girl on a billboard, or a video game who doesn't actually exist to the extent you think you need.

"I'm sure to disappoint you, I'm not the boy you drew in your head. Am I talking too much? Am I too shallow or deep? Are you scared of my plans? Well, I'm not your sketch, but honestly what did you expect? Love is an art, some pictures are found out of frames." - steve moakler

Can we stop looking inside our wedding day picture frame? God usually plans and does things that are out of the box - let's all start looking at the right characteristics in people, shall we?

The Ice Queen Phenomenon

2011-03-13T01:12:00.005-06:00

Here’s another long post from me! Guess I have a lot to say about this. I thought of making it a two-parter, but why make you wait for the conclusion?? I trust you can make it through just fine. Here we go...

So, I recently have been following a heated comment thread here.
Check it out if you like, but here my summary: the men say they are reluctant to approach women because they have concluded that all women are either "Ice Queens," or "harpies circling Mr. Unattainable"?!

I would like to address the Ice Queen phenomenon, as I understand it.
My definition of an Ice Queen is a woman who gives the impression of being unfriendly and unreceptive to a man approaching her.

Here are my credentials: I've totally been guilty of being the Ice Queen myself, especially in my younger years. I've never been afraid of stubbornly deflecting anyone I felt uneasy about. Then again, at that time I was painfully shy and unhealthily afraid of pretty much everyone. *sigh*

It wasn't that I disliked people. Rather, I lived under the belief that everyone automatically disliked me, for some reason I was blind to. You could easily say I had an inferiority complex. I really wanted to be friends with people, but my biggest fear was of being an annoyance to anyone, so I tried to stay out of everyone's way, would never voice an opposing opinion, and kept from doing anything that might draw attention. My "reasoning" was that people who actually wanted to be friends would naturally make the first move to get to know me. (Although if anyone ever actually did, I was usually suspicious of their motives until I knew enough about them to trust them! Brilliant, right?)

So thus, I had a very difficult time making friends, and was never taught how to act around boys or how to attract any positive attention. Or any attention at all.

Girls, if you’re thinking "that's totally me right now!" ...know that it will do a VERY good job of keeping you out of trouble with boys. ...Aaannnnd that's about all it's good for. It does not help you become a well-adjusted human being, or help you form deep, meaningful friendships, or do well in job interviews, et cetera. It's hard to get out of, but with a lot of willpower, time, practice, surrounding yourself with good people and learning to experience true freedom in Christ, you don't have to be trapped in your head like that anymore. You have to really want to change. But it’s possible. (Exhibit A, right here! Let’s talk!)

I don't share these things about myself to ask for sympathy (empathy? pity?) but to hopefully put words to what others are experiencing and therefore expose to the light what happens in the darkness of many minds. And for this post, to shed some light on the Ice Queen phenomenon, because I've been there, and I know I am still very capable of it.

I understand there are many other different ways the Ice Queen can manifest herself. But I think most men have a poor understanding of what this woman is actually thinking.

Guys, the Ice Queen phenomenon is a self-defense tactic. Assuming the woman in question is single, here are some common situations. We either:

A) rightfully think you’re a creeper, or see something glaringly obvious that is sending up red flags, so we intentionally keep our distance. This category generally is reserved for those of you who proudly identify yourselves as “playas,” or otherwise lead a lifestyle that is contrary to our morals and values. Or that could land you in prison. ...Or, we...
B) wrongfully think you're a creeper - at which point (after re-evaluating how you come across to others) you may have to get creative to prove us wrong, because we love a good legitimate pursuit!! ...or...
C) You're likely a fantastic guy deep down but we can't see it because something in your behavior is awkward, annoying, pushy, unhygienic, or comes across in some other unpleasant manner that is standing in the way, and we can't bring ourselves to speak so bluntly to you... so we resort to avoidance. If you're getting this vibe a lot, you miiiiight want to ask some wise person (of the same gender) to be painfully honest to help you figure out what you need to fix. If you can identify yourself as this type of guy, please learn some social skills. I don’t say that to be mean - I say it as someone who's been there, to challenge you to observe how other people interact and compare it to your own interactions, read up on personality types, take psychology or communication classes, and/or read helpful articles online such as this: (Don't Be That Guy), along with all the others on this fantastic website called the Art of Manliness! ...oooorrrr...
D) we're having a bad day. Now here is a challenging opportunity for you! Most of us women love venting, although we probably need to be convinced that you care enough to listen, and that you aren’t guy “A” or “C” in this list. If you approach carefully, and can exercise the art of drawing us out without pushing for more than we feel comfortable sharing, this can result in a win-win situation! ...OR...
E) we're actually very interested, but don't want to appear too "forward" (perish the thought he might think I’m interested even though I am! *gasp*) so we err on the side of acting cold... ugh... (guess who's been guilty of that?) (yeah that'd be me.) ...or...
F) we're just clueless, and we're so used to being on the defensive that we just default to unwittingly acting icy around all men. We honestly think our behavior is normal and expected of us. We're sorry!! ...OOOORRRRR...
G) it really might be you making things up in your perception of a woman’s behavior. Perhaps you are just clueless yourself. She’s probably agonizing herself right now, wondering why you won’t ask her out, despite her trying to coyly get your attention for months!

So, looking at this bulleted list mathematically, if you think you're facing an Ice Queen, you still have a 78.6% chance in your favor (I counted point C as half) that she might warm up a little to you if you approach carefully and don't get scared away. How's that for scientific reasoning?!

Okay, okay, so these aren't the only reasons a woman would act cold toward a man. Everyone has their own things in life they need to take into account. I just wanted to make known some possible reasons for girls acting icy around guys, and to encourage you guys to not let yourselves be dismissed so quickly by such a woman! :)

Disclaimer - The key is to be observant of the subtle signals she is sending. I recommend you stick around long enough to ask a few questions, bring up a subject of interest you might have in common, get a few sentences out of her. She might just be shy, and would really like you to pry a little bit. In which case, by all means stay and keep talking, and ask questions to draw her out! But if she still seems like she’s trying to end the conversation after everything you say, politely make a clean break, and leave her alone. This could be a sign that you might be “Guy C” from the list above (especially if you observe you seem to be the only guy getting the ice, and she is not acting cold at all toward other guys). Or it could be that she just has issues. Or maybe she is already taken and doesn’t want people to see her without her significant other, talking to someone as devastatingly handsome as you.

And now for an inspirational quote from everyone’s favorite relationship advisor, Hitch! (Full of sweeping generalizations, but still makes some excellent points!):

Basic principles: no woman wakes up saying, ‘I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" ... It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is, "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly, "Try harder, stupid." But which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; 30% is your tone. So that means that 90% of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you! She's a nice person. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings. What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. ... Basic principles: no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom.

From the Trenches (Part One)

2011-03-10T16:02:00.004-06:00

An unmarried woman should have a high view of marriage, but also of God's sovereignty in her own life." (Nancy Wilson)

I saw this quote on John Piper’s twitter last week and I really appreciated it. I think a lot of times single people struggle with keeping this balance. There are a couple of ways that we that we skew of views of marriage and God’s sovereignty in our lives. This is something that God has really be working on in me and trying to teach me through the guidance of other people around me.

SO, I have sent out a series of 5 questions to married couples that I know. Some of them have been married for 50 years and some have been married for 2 years. I was planning on making one giant post of all the answers, but I have found that some of the responses are worth more than a quick glance, so I will be feeding them out on the blog over the next few weeks.

Feedback and discussion are welcome! (Especially from the married people that might following this blog, because I definitely don’t have any expertise on that matter!)

This piece of wisdom comes from Sheryl. Hope you enjoy!

What advice do you have for overcoming the hard times in marriage?

Many people deal with this question by saying "divorce is not an option". My husband & I disagree! We have both been in marriages where that was "the policy", and divorce eventually not only became an option but a reality. So, while we believe that marriage is a commitment for life, we have what we call "healthy fear" that our marriage could fail, and since neither of us wants that to happen, we work hard at our relationship to make sure neither of us ever has a reason to consider divorce.

What is the best piece of relationship advice you have learned or heard?

When you realize there are bricks coming up building a wall between you, take them down, one by one. Don't throw them at one another. Instead, use them as stepping stones to get over whatever still remains of the wall.