Dear Janit

On the subject of playtime (The Rules)

crispin — Mon, 20 May 2013 10:24:33 +0000

Dear Janit, I think we should set some ground rules for playtime. Claws are for toys, prey and scratching posts, not for hands, feet or indeed any part of me. Times of play are to be decided by me and I will signal when this is to commence by fetching a toy, some string or something and wiggling [...]

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On the subject of carrier bags

crispin — Mon, 06 May 2013 18:25:38 +0000

Dear Janit, Further to my recent correspondence on places to sit and our recent discussions on how you might be less of an annoyance let us talk briefly on your fetish for bags. I am convinced that no cat in the history of things has ever held such a fascination to anything in the world [...]

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On the subject of weights and measures

crispin — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 10:16:30 +0000

Dear Janit Just a quick note to summerise the key points from our recent visit to Ms. Spencer the Vet: You are ‘drastically overweight’ (her words not mine). You weigh in at 4.2kg; the absolute maximum healthy weight for a cat of your skeletal proportions is 3.7kg. By my calculations (of 4.2 minus 3.7 to [...]

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On the subject of sitting in small boxes

crispin — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 10:27:08 +0000

Dear Janit, I would like to return once again to appropriate places to sit. I am talking in particular reference to your passion for getting into boxes. Now, size of box should be the absolute vanguard of any factors influencing choice here. Indeed at the very least you would do well to consider if you [...]

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On the subject of Valentines Day

crispin — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 12:09:43 +0000

Dear Janit, A mutual acquaintance has brought to my attention a website, advertising Valentines Day cards both for and from pets. Now I’m sure you’ll agree this is absurd. First and foremost, as a cat you lack the necessary motor skills and financial backing to make the purchase yourself, so I can only assume the [...]

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On the subject of eyeball licking

crispin — Fri, 13 May 2011 11:02:01 +0000

Dear Janit Under no circumstances are you ever to lick my eyeball again. I am willing to admit that I may have inadvertently encouraged you by continuing to pet you as you purred in my face but I never expected you to actually lick my eyeball. It sent shivers down my spine as if a [...]

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On the subject of the Elizabethan Collar (Lampshade)

crispin — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 13:14:53 +0000

Dear Janit, Please understand that this lampshade thing that Mr. Veterinarian gave me to put on you is for your own good and no amount of glaring or sulking will persuade me to remove it until the two weeks prescribed has passed. I can assure you that it is fastened quite securely and you will not be able to [...]

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On the subject of Christmas

crispin — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 13:55:15 +0000

Dear JanitChristmas day is soon upon us and with that so will be my family and doubtless other house guests. Seeing as this is the season of good will and all, and there appears to be so much of it about, I was hoping that you might see your way to extending some of this [...]

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On the slaying of flies

crispin — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 10:30:47 +0000

Dear Janit, I really am so pleased with your progression at the sport of fly killing. I think it’s safe to say we are now both fully convinced that paws and claws (more so than eyes, as previously discussed) are better suited to the task in hand. However, I do still feel that there is slight room for improvement in your [...]

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On the subject of catnip (an intervention)

crispin — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 13:18:14 +0000

Dear Janit. Catnip. There, I said it. This wont of yours is something we rarely discuss – or should really. However, whilst I fully appreciate that our vices are our own business, I feel it not only necessary but in good nature to point out that recent weeks have seen your little habit increase to [...]

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