Dear Janit

Under no circumstances are you ever to lick my eyeball again. I am willing to admit that I may have inadvertently encouraged you by continuing to pet you as you purred in my face but I never expected you to actually lick my eyeball. It sent shivers down my spine as if a hundred people were scratching blackboards and now every time I close my right eye it looks like it is raining.

I hope to goodness there is no permanent damage or there will be hell to pay.

Love from Crispin

Dear Janit,

Please understand that this lampshade thing that Mr. Veterinarian gave me to put on you is for your own good and no amount of glaring or sulking will persuade me to remove it until the two weeks prescribed has passed. I can assure you that it is fastened quite securely and you will not be able to do away with it simply by walking slowly backwards. It may well be possible to kick it off with your back legs but rest assured the victory will be short lived as I shall replace it immediately.

It is now two days into your sentence so I think we can put a stop to this farce of crashing into every possible obstacle, making a fuss in the middle of the stairs and squawking at your dinner.

I hope I have made my position clear on the matter.

Love always

Crispin

P.S. Meals will be easier if you get the collar on the outside of the bowl rather than trying to use it as a spoon to get the biscuits out.

Dear Janit,

I really am so pleased with your progression at the sport of fly killing. I think it’s safe to say we are now both fully convinced that paws and claws (more so than eyes, as  previously discussed) are better suited to the task in hand. However, I do still feel that there is slight room for improvement in your technique ~ you see ideally what we are looking for here is a clean quick kill, one in common with/demonstrative of a benevolent and merciful assassin, the likes of which I am sure we can both agree you aspire to be. I would like to remind you that there is no place for torture in our house, we are civilised decent people and I really would like for you to try, at least, to bear that in mind.

In other words, what I am pushing for, is for you to refrain from just biting their wings off and leaving them to spin about the floor like fitting raisins until I come in, the ‘clean up man’, to chase them about with a tissue.

Warmest regards,

Crispin

P.S. Please do not allow my criticism to detract from my praise.

Dear Janit.

Catnip. There, I said it.

This wont of yours is something we rarely discuss – or should really. However, whilst I fully appreciate that our vices are our own business, I feel it not only necessary but in good nature to point out that recent weeks have seen your little habit increase to an alarming level. Let us call last night to our attention. When Wicker and I returned from the pub we discovered you sitting on the shelf gurning your face off, tongue hanging out, eyes pointing different directions with barely half a smile offsetting your whiskers. And this is not by any means an isolated occurrence – to be frank I don’t think I could hope to count the number of times in recent weeks that you have been quietly ‘off your face’ in my company …and this appears to be accelerating.

We don’t want a repeat of that ‘incident’ years ago do we? The time you did a 25 gram bag in one go and couldn’t close your mouth or stop looking at the ceiling for a week?

All my love,

Crispin x

Dear Janit

I have it on good authority that while I was away last week you were caught three times by Wicker ‘Baking Brownies’ on the living room rug. Now these dirty protests MUST STOP. You are not in prison, you are not maltreated, you are not a rescue cat, you have a litter box and it is always clean.

I am at my wits end and furious beyond measure. I swear, as God is my witness, if you drop tuppence on the rug one more time i shall shave your tail and put your toys in the cupboard forever.

I strongly advise you to take heed as this truly is your final warning.

Your adoring friend

Crispin

Dear Janit

I have reached the end of my tether with regards to your continued and steadfast insistence of staring at the wall. You may notice that I have pinned photocopies of poems by Keats, cummings and Larkin as well as couple of Shakespeare’s sonnets around the flat just above the skirting.

I am not trying to force poetry upon you, but I am aware of how difficult it is for you to turn pages.

Love from Crispin

Dear Janit

On Monday I saw a television programme which featured a woman who claimed she could speak the language of cats. Now, a sensible person would be hard pushed to regard this as anything less than absurd, as I do. And yet you persist in squawking at me when it is quite clear to all that I have absolutely no idea what it is that you are trying to convey.

I think it best all round if we continue with me speaking English and you pretending to listen.

Love from

Crispin

Dear Janit

There is no need to dance when I am preparing your breakfast. You are never starving. In fact, to be blunt, I think you might be more than just a little overweight.

If a meal consisting of biscuits that smell of old chicken bones and shoes truly is the highlight of your day, I fear you may be beyond help. Why don’t you sit down and have another think about taking up a hobby?

Love always

Crispin

Dear Janit

Further to our discussion regarding inappropriate places to sit, I would like to add newly washed clothes to the list.

While not posing a direct hazard risk to your safety in the same way as the toaster, the owner of the clothes may become upset, irrational and potentially violent on discovering his/her garments covered in cat hair.

Please take special care over suits and shirts on evenings preceding job interviews and weddings.

Lots of love

Crispin