DEAR SHAYLA

Getting over a past love

2011-01-29T09:45:00.000-08:00

Hi Shayla,

I was wondering, after being in a long term relationship, I have tried to move on. Its been 2 years now, but I have not forgotten everything about my ex. Our memories still pop up everywhere I go. I would think of him at night or when I hear a sad song. After our bad breakup, I have tried to move on and dated, but it did not help to forget. I don't know what other ways to do to move on with my life. Everyone say to forget and move on, but they do not understand how I feel. It is hard for me to concentrate at work because at times my friends would remind me of him and everywhere I go memories would come back. I was thinking of escaping, so I tried to go on vacations, but when I get home, it all comes back. Do you think if I move to another state it would help me to forget things and start over? Our relationship is over and there is no more hope. I just want to be happy again, but its been very hard. Please advice. Thank you so much for your help. I appreciate it very much

Dear Brokenhearted,

They say that it takes half the time that you were together to fully get over someone. So depending on how long you were in the relationship divide that time in half. What you have to understand is that you are in mourning and it does take time. It's easy for everyone around to tell you to move on, but they are not the one experiencing the loss and pain. They also say time heals all wound, and this cliche is very true. The best thing to do is take one day at a time. Ask your friends to not mention his name, and if a song comes up that bring back memories, simply turn it off and direct your mind elsewhere. Keep busy and occupied by joining new hobbies and making new friends. You don't have to move to a different city, but if you have an opportunity to see the world and experience new things, I say do it. Most important is to do it for yourself and not to runaway from your past. Always tell yourself that you broke up for a reason and that he wasn't the right one for you. There are millions of people out there and trust me when I tell you that you will love again. Just take your time and don't jump into another relationship until you've are truly over him. Breakups are horrible when you are going through it, but one day you will look back and won't remember his name, face, or why you even loved him. Stay strong and make a conscious choice to be happy, because you deserve it.

2011-01-23T22:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Chi Shayla,

I've been following your blog and you've been giving very good advices. This help me to understand more of the outside world as I'm getting old by the year. Lol
Anyways, I just got a question to ask cause my friend is confused. This is not my situation but my friend, I just wanted to help her out since I'm inexperience and you've got the knowledge. :)
She used to dated this guy, who is younger than her by two years. He prefers to hang out with friends and going to pubs and drinking. My friend didn't mind! Oh most of his friends are still single expect for him. Afterwards, they broke up! Reasons cause he's really immature and does all this immature stuff. My friend deleted him off from facebook and added him again because she was scared since he was in the depress mood! So she called up to check on him but his friend pick up and said he is drunk! Then she asked his friend to look after him. her ex continue to annoyed her by messaging her really late at night. She got fed up and met him up and being straight forward, without holding back of what's his doing. He thinks about it and agreed that my friend was right. However, he doesn't get the message that my friend doesn't want to be friends with him anymore, that's why she deleted him off from all the contacts. He's saying that she's everything and she's the only one that has been telling him the truth. Just recently, he asked her if she wants to hangout and catch up! My friend agreed to it. They met up, nothing really happened! But just last night he messaged her, wanted to come over her place to watch movies with her.
What does that mean? Does he wanted to be back with her or simple be friends with her? Sorry if this confuse you coz it definitely confuses me.That's all, hope I covered all the aspects! Thankyou chi, hope to hear from you soon

Dear Good Friend,

It is great that you are trying to be there for your friend. The only advice I can give you is to tell your friend that if she wants to end the relationship, then end it. She deleted him, BUT added him again.
She calls him late at night to "check up on him". You said she deleted all contacts yet he is still able to call and invite her to lunch. Of course he doesn't get the message, it's because she's sending mixed messages. She saying one thing and doing another. I think she still cares for him deeply but doesn't want to be with him. So she's confused herself. That's why I stand by the belief that once you break up, then you have to cut out all contacts. It's hard to let go of someone that once has been so important in your life, but at the end of the day, for her to move on, that is what she needs to do. If he annoys her, then just ignore him and eventually he'll get the message and move on too. If she keeps responding to his text and agreeing to meet up, then she is the one to blame for adding fuel to the fire and adding drama to her life. Best of luck.

Befriending a Celebrity

2011-01-23T18:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Shayla,
I'm a teenage girl who was born in America, for some reason I keep the vietnamese culture real well. I am able to speak, write, read, sing, and act in vietnamese. I seem to have an obsession with celebrities since acting and singing are both things I love to do, I know that partially, it may be because I want to be one of them, but on the other hand, I know I don't want to be a singer/actor... It's just not a dream I guess. A couple years ago, a dream came true for me. My favorite celebrity became my God mom. It just came, I couldn't and still cannot believe how lucky I am. Anyhow, she started a family as I was there with her, but it seems like her want to be a mom was what kept her with me in the first place, I was so happy we had a relationship that I thought it would always be like that. Well, it's all changed, we're still in contact at times, but rarely.
Now, a couple months ago, I found a new celebrity that I liked. From previous experience, I didn't want to get hurt, so I held myself back from thinking anything. I emailed her, and she replied to two of my emails. I really hope that we can at least be "email buddies," but I'm not sure if she just wanted to stop there..? I've checked her shows and she's going out of country at the end of the month but we're not there yet. It looks like she's not that busy at this time of the month but there's been no replies. Does she not want to be continue emailing back and forth do you think? Or is it the matter of time? Thanks Shayla!

Dear Number One Fan,

         First I want to say that I'm sorry that you got hurt by losing contact with the 1st celebrity. I know that you love her and wanted more from her, but the truth is, although she is your Godmother it is not her fault and responsibilty to make you happy.  She has a busy life with her career and own family and unable to give you the attention you wanted or expected. I know that she meant no harm to you and you should NOT take it so personally. I use to have phone calls, emails, and letters from fans wanting so much from me. It became overwhelming because the fact of the matter is although I truly appreciate the love and support, I am just one person and cannot give people the personal attention that they wanted. It's exhausting. It takes years to build a relationship with one person and its impossible to build a close relationship with thousands.
    What you have to understand is this is not about the Celebrity but about YOU! Because you have dreams of being a singer but think it is impossible for you to be one, than you are associating yourself with a celebrity to fill that empty void inside of you. Being close to famous people makes you feel special and wanted. When it's taken away you feel lost and abandon. That is the reason why you seeked out a new star to be close to.

    The best thing to do is be aware of this situation and pattern. No celebrity or person will ever make you feel love and happy. Only YOU can do that for yourself. Once you do that, you will realize that you really don't care if a celebrity is close to you or not. You appreciate them and their work, but also give them the space for them to live their life. Relationships  should come naturally and not be forced. If it works out and you become like blood, then Great, ...if you lose touch, ..then so be it. You move on. There will always be changes and people come in and out of your life all the time. It's nobody's fault. That's just life. I wish you all the best.

Facebook Status

2011-01-10T12:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Shayla,

I am bothered that my boyfriend does not post his facebook status on his page. Its been a long time now since we've been together but he still acts like he doesn't know it. I haven't done anything to him at all so what does this mean? Everbody posts in a relationship but us!

Dear In a Relationship,

I've been told that Facebook have broken many marraiges and relationships. I believe this rumor to be true. All over a little section that tells the world your relationship status. If your boyfriend doesn't want to tell strangers he's with you, then that's his prerogative. He might be a private person that doesn't feel the need to tell the world . As long as he shows you and treats you right, then it doesn't matter what he post to the online world. Now, if he acts like he doesn't know you in real life, then it wouldn't matter what he post on Facebook. He could put "in a relationship" with you but act like he's single in real life, then I'm sure you would be bothered too.
My point is, you want him to acknowledge that you are together. The thing is, it doesn't matter where or who he tells. It's how he shows it or what he does to determine if he is in fact your boyfriend or not. If you feel you are not being respected, then you need to address this issue with him.

Can we still be friends?

2011-01-10T11:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Shayla

After a pretty nasty break up with my boyfriend, we decided to talk. I want to stay together, but he wants to be just friends for right now. Is it possible to be just friends after a long term serious relationship? How do you just be friends? Im scared of us feeling too distant and finding interest in other people. What should I do to make sure we're still close, and rebuilding our relationship without crossing the line with him?

Dear Just Friends,

I have to be honest with you. I am a firm believer that once you break up, it's best to cut all ties. The reason for that is so you can heal and move on with your life. If he is the one initiating the break up then it's best for you to stay out of the picture. I feel it's not possible to be friends because he's going to move on with his life. Do you really want to stick around and see him kissing his new girlfriend? Telling you stories about who he's dating? That's what "friends" do and it's not possible for you to be that person for him right now.
The reality is your relationship with him as a girlfriend is over. It's not what you wanted but it's something you have to accept. There will be distance and he'll will find interest in other people. That's life.
Break ups are hard, but the hardest thing to do is to let go. It will take time, but being around in his life will only make the break up process longer and more painful and difficult.
Take this time to reconnect with old friends and rediscover yourself. We all get scared to move on without our significant other. It's important to realize that you were fine before he came into your life, and you will be fine when he's out.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!!

2010-12-26T11:51:00.000-08:00

Christmas and New Years is THE best holidays of the year!!! I want to take this time to wish everyone around the world love, joy and laughter. As you get older it seems like 365 days flash before you in a blink of an eye. Some of us used that time wisely, while others waste it creating unnessessary drama for themselves and their families.

Life is short and it does go by fast. There are good days and there are bad. Just appreciate and be grateful for what you have. Your health, family, friends. THERE ARE SOME NEGATIVE PEOPLE THAT WILL ALWAYS TRY TO BRING YOU DOWN. DON'T LET THEM. THIS IS YOUR LIFE. YOU ONLY HAVE ONE SO MAKE THE BEST YOU CAN OUT OF IT. HAPPY HOLIDAYS! BE HAPPY!!!!

2010-12-21T17:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Shayla

I'm 23 and have my own car and job. I'm an honest person who actually wants a relationship. Yet I've been burned twice this year by two players. I'm so sick and tired of being used. One guy cheated on me and dumped me by text message. The other guy said he wanted a relationship with me, but after we hooked up, he dumped me saying he wasn't ready for a relationship. I've been asked out by other guys, only to find out that they have wives or girlfriends. Why don't guys actually appreciate a genuine woman? Do I have a sign on my back? I'm losing hope of ever meeting someone nice.

Dear Genuine Woman,

It seems like now adays everywhere you turn there are douchbags and jerks roaming the earth. It doesn't help that shows like Jersey Shore and artist like Kanye West glamorize this new breed. Bad boys are former nice boys who's had their heartbroken by a girl. They learn growing up that to get the girl you have to treat them bad. In a way, it's kind of us girls fault for treating nice boys bad and being attracted to the bad ones. Afterall, the "nice" guys seems so boring compared to the "bad " ones that seems so fun and exciting. What it comes down to is you are probably attracted to these players because you find it a challenge to tame them. You say you want a nice guy, but when one approaches you, do you give them a chance? or do you ignore them? I think us girls want a nice guy who will challenge us because too nice is very annoying.

Don't lose hope because there are definitely still plenty of great guys out there. Yes, they are hard to find because most are gay and the other is married. Still, it's like a needle in a haystack and you should keep searching til you find a match. The key is to drop the bad boys the minute they show you their true colors instead of waiting around to get hurt. So to answer your question, you do not have a sign on your back. Just pay attention to the type of guys you are attracted to. Don't give up and when you find one, don't let him go because he is a part of a dying breed.

Love at First Sight

2010-12-21T16:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Shayla

Is there really such a thing as "love at first sight"? Do you believe in it or is it "attraction at first sight" I think the first has happened to me. How do I know?

Dear Hopeless Romantic,

When I was young, (I'd say teenage /early twenties) I definitely believed in love at first sight. It was that belief that kept me in relationships longer than I should have been in. As I grew up, I learned that feeling you get when you have chemistry with someone at first sight is NOT love. It is a combination of lust, desire, infatuation, and hormones being released. People throw the word "Love" around and in their hearts of hearts believe that it's real and its true. Though it might FEEL like it's the real deal, the reality is it's the good feeling chemicals like dopamine and serotonin being released in your brain. I believe that " Love" is something that you must nurture and takes years to grow. Like a seed which is planted that takes time for it to mature. Love works the same way. If you neglect it, it will wilther and die. If you devote time and attention to it then it can grow into something so amazing between two people.
There are some people who have claim to have met their "soulmate" at first sight, and if you believe in reincarnation then maybe this could be true if you believe in soul recognition. Whatever the case, only time will tell if it's love or attraction. Personally, I think 90% of the time it's NOT love. Just pure attraction. There is the potential for it to be love, but if you are asking about first sight, then I truly I doubt it.

Giving up on love

2010-12-12T08:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Shayla,

I just saw your blog and you had very good advice. you are beautiful and awesome singer. I have a question. I dated someone for 9 years, we got married for couple months and broke up. I gave up on love, after a year, I started dating again, and it still doesnt work out with the new relationship. I'm 28 and my family rush me to settle down, but I am unable to find anyone suitable. I just give up on love, no matter how hard I try in the relationship, it just doesnt work out. The guys I dated and my failed marriage say that we were incompatible, its the same excuse. is there something wrong with me, why doesnt any of my relationships work? I dont believe in love anymore and is very tired of it.
Thank you.

Dear Jaded,

Thank you for the compliment. First I want to say that there is NOTHING wrong with you. We have all been in the same shoes you have where we wonder "What the hell is wrong with me?". "What am I doing wrong?" After reading your post, the message I got loud and clear was that "You gave up on love" and "You don't believe in love" anymore. If you go into a relationship thinking that way, it is doomed to fail because your heart is not open to the other person. It's like you refuse to give it a chance because you already made up your mind about the outcome. You want to find love, but you are not ready because of the dissolution of your marraige. You are having a hard time trusting and giving away your heart again. To make it worse, you are getting pressure from your family to start a family and settle down. If I were you, I would just ignore what your parents want for you. You have to take the time to see what is it that you want for yourself. I'm sure after being in a relationship for so long, you lost yourself along the way. This is the time to focus on you. Find hobbies and do things that will make you happy. As time move on, your heart will heal and hopefully you can be open to love again. The important thing to realize is that the men you met in the past were not compatible with you for one reason or another. That's NOT your fault and you shouldn't blame yourself. Just learn from the mistakes that you made. Until then, focus on doing things that make you happy without a man in your life and when you least expect it, that is when love will come and make you believe again.

A Father's Love

2010-12-09T22:39:00.000-08:00

A Father’s love I never had

How I wish he would kiss my head

Tell me things will be alright

Hold my hand and be by my side

I block the pain and ignore my thoughts

It all comes back, sadness fills my heart

This wish I know will never come true

Cause I’ve been wishing all my life for you

If you’re a man and you have a child

Hold them tight and make them smile

Take the time to understand

A Father’s love is what makes you a man

-Shayla

I'M CRAZY ABOUT A CELEBRITY

2010-12-08T10:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Shayla,

I am a grown man who have the biggest crush on a celebrity friend of yours. I wake up thinking about her. I go to sleep thinking about her. What should I do ?

Dear Obsessed,

You have to figure out why you are having these feeling towards someone you barely know. Does she remind you of a past love that gotten away? Did she perform a song that melted your heart and you believe she was singing just to you? It could be something as simple as a smile that ignited good memories of the past.
Whatever the case, you have to see that this celebrity ignited something inside of you that makes you feel good. In this celebrity obsessed world, we usually form an opinion of someone may it be love or hate based on what we see and not what is real. These emotions may feel real to you, but your mind does control your heart. The truth is you know nothing about this person and everything you created is inside your head. She represents this dream girl so of course she is perfect. The truth is it's not her you really love, just the idea. There are many celebrities I've met who are just plain horrible evil people. I've seen fans swoon and cry over them, and I think to myself..."Wow! this is a sucky person you are worshipping. If you really knew them, would you still feel the same way?" So it's okay to admire what they do and appreciate their work, but it's not healthy to be obsessive over it. In this day and age, anybody can be famous just by being on tv. Kardashian, Hilton, Real Housewives of America. Jersey Shore. What talent do these people really have? They are normal people like everybody else and their shit do not smell like roses. We the public are just brainwashed into thinking that it does.

Why do women play hard to get?

2010-12-08T09:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Shayla,

I don't know if there's something wrong with me, but I get extremely angry when a woman is interested in me but she plays hard to get. Why do women do that?
Why can't they just throw themselves at you if they are genuinely interested. It would make life less complicated. Right? I'm not trying to be judgmental. I just want the truth.

Dear Man Who Wants to Be Chased,

Call me old fashion, but I think it is nice for a women to recieve chivalry and be courted by a man. It seems to me that men have been so spoiled and want things to come so easy without doing the hard work.
It's true that some girls play games and take advantage of a man, but then again, men do the same thing to women. Women want you to put the effort in getting her. If everything came so easy then you wouldn't appreciate her the way she deserves, then eventually you will treat her badly because you didn't cherish what you have. Yes, life would be easier and less complicated for you if they "threw themselves at you" but eventually you would get bored and the relationship probably wouldn't last. So don't get angry about it, just do something about it. If you really really like her and want her to be yours, then it is YOUR job to win her heart. Not hers to win yours. If she is one of those girls that are playing games, then just move on until you find the right girl for you. This is what dating is about. To get a feel for who they are and move on if they are not right. When two people who are into each other and it just clicks, there shouldn't be any games. You just know.

I want to be a singer

2010-12-06T08:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Shayla,

I am 17 years old, on my last year of high school. A lot of things are going on. The thing is, I always have dreamt that I wanted to be a singer since I was 9, and I haven't stopped dreaming. The problem is that, I have parents who doesn't approve of me being involved with music. The last time I asked if I could audition for something, they tried to talk to me out of it. My parents wants to have a career and say that I should be a teacher. I always thought of having a back up career, but I feel like me chasing my dreams is more important. I honestly don't know what to do, I'm pretty stuck on this situation considering that I really love and respect my parents. But I don't know why it's hard for them to let me be happy and chase my dreams after something I've been chasing for so long. I just auditioned for my school talent show and I recently made it in, I haven't told my parents yet. I know what I would be sacrificing choosing to be a singer. But, I can't help with my passion for singing and music.

-Confused.

Dear Confuse,

          Everyone at one point in their lives or another had dreams of superstardom. The thought of making good money doing what you love is a dream job that many have fantasize all their life. You have to have a combination of talents, looks, star quality, and incredible amount of luck. If you don't have that, than you have to have close connections or family in the industry. Ex:  Kate Hudson, Willow & Jaden Smith, Miley Cyrus, Angelina Jolie, Gwyneth Paltrow, Norah Jones, Robin Thicke, Enrique Iglesias..I can go on and on.

The reality is reaching that level of success is extremely difficult. I believe the statistic is 1 in 200,000. Look at American Idol. Every year, thousands of people come out believing they have what it takes to be the next Superstar. The show narrows it down to the top ten. Out of the top ten, most of these singers have been forgotten. All of these singers had the same passion for singing like you. What it comes down to is the music profession is a business. No matter what images you see on tv, and how much they glamorize the profession. You have to make someone money or you will not be profitable. I am not saying for you to NOT "go for your dreams". I am the biggest dreamer you will ever meet. What I am saying is for you to understand what it takes and where your parents are coming from.
They want you to have stability in your life. To choose a career path that will stand the test of time. There are many aspect of this profession that many do not see, and it's not very pretty.

At the end of the day, this is your life and once you turn eighteen, it is your decison to make.
I feel it is best to sit down with your parents and find a compromise. If it was my daughter, I would advise her to finish college before pursuing her dream. During college, she can minor in theater arts/music and hone her craft to be the best she can be.  After graduation, she has her back up career just in case her dreams of being a singer doesn't pan out.

Whatever the case, you need a backup plan. How about being a teacher and singing on weekends to fullfill your passion? If your dreams are of making it big, then look forward to a long road of hard work, dedication, and many rejections before you find success. Having the support of your parents will get you through the tough times.  Also make sure that you are doing all this for the right reasons. Not for the fame, fortune and happiness you think it will bring you, but because you genuinely have a gift,talent, and passion to be share to the world. Best of luck.

He loves me, He loves me not.

2010-12-04T22:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Shayla,

          Is there any love after a year of knowing each other ?spend time together ? I really confused of my self if something wrong on me why the man i say is my boyfriend .. never claim me as his girlfriend or never say he love me or anything about our situation. - Hurting

Dear Hurting,

        If after a year and he doesn't  claim you as his girl or say the three magical words, then take it as he does not love you and you are not his girlfriend. When a man loves a woman, I believe they will stand on the highest mountain and shout it to the world. It's as simple as that.
He might only see you as a friends with benefit situation. There is nothing wrong with you. You just need to make it clear to him what you want. If he cannot give that to you, it's time to move on and not waste your time.

In Love with Married Man

2010-12-04T19:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Shayla,

i just broken up with my ex bf for 5yrs.then I met a man who made me happy.im at first we met on online and said he was single.he lied..he is married. We are madly in love with each other.he told me that he will divorce his wife. I pressured him to divorce his wife. He said he is having a hard time because his wife doesnt want to divorce him.his wife only wants a higher alimony. Now i have not heard from him 2 weeks already.

-Worried

Dear Worried,

This is what happens when you get involved with a married man. He will lie to his wife to be with you so you should expect him to do the same thing to you. Him "telling" you that he will leave his wife is one thing, but him, not contacting you for two weeks proves another. LOOK AT HIS ACTIONS. I understand you feel like you need an explanation or closure but the truth is that this relationship was built on lies. I'm guessing that his wife found out about the relationship and gave him an ultimatum to cut all contact with you. If he really love you like you say, he would have left his wife by now. Take the no contact as a sign that he's picked his wife and want to end the affair.
Whatever the case, you need to forget about him and move on with your life. Before you jump in another relationship take some time to think about why you are attracted to unavailable/married men.

Send In The Questions to "dearshayshay@gmail.com"

2010-12-03T06:39:00.000-08:00

Hi!Thanks for stopping by.

I created this blog because I wanted a place to get to know my fans and friends better. I've met so many people throughout my life and they have shared so many personal stories with me. I've been grateful to learn so much through them.

If you have any problems, questions or concerns about your life in general, don't be afraid to ask. Sometimes things are not clear when you are in the eye of the storm, but maybe if you get an answer from someone with a different perspective, you can see things more clearly and make better decisons.
I am not a license professional. Just a person that has been through so much life experience and I would like to share my knowledge with you. So send in your questions. I can't guarantee I will answer and solve every problem, but I will do my best.
This is my way of giving back to all that you've given me.
Thank you. = )