USELESS ADVICE FROM USELESS MEN

QUESTION # 680: WE SHOULD HAVE GIVEN DOUGH TO JAYNE FOR HER BIRTHDAY INSTEAD

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 04:41:00 +0000

Dear Useless Advisors,

I am stuck at work for my birthday (8am - 6pm) and would like a few tips for how I can still enjoy the day. I work in an administrative, stuffy suit job in Manhattan.

~Jayne Dough

Dear Jayne Dough,

Apparently you are as much of a loser as I am if you can't make plans after 6pm. I feel your pain there. Since you have no active nightlife, the obvious answer is to make your birthday an event at work. By your asking of this, I have to assume your employer is unaware of your birthday, and by extension, unaware of you as well. This gives you free reign to celebrate it in any way you see fit.

I recommend sleeping in on one's birthday to recharge your cells. Once refreshed you head into work only find that some kind soul (yourself) has sent you flowers. If you don't like the idea of people thinking you sent them yourself, then sign a different name on the card. Better yet, get really drunk and then go order them so you'll have no recollection of getting them sent. This will make it a true surprise and will put no undue strain on your acting skills.

With the grand entry and the flowers out of the way your co-workers and boss will realize the error of their ways. This is only a possibility though. Leave nothing to chance! You'll want to make sure they never forget again so further steps must be taken.

Have a singing telegram so everyone who is stooping down in the cube farm to avoid making eye contact with the birthday girl will pop up out of their hole like a gopher. This is only a level one option. Your workplace may require more extreme measures such as stripper grams, that Naked Cowboy from Times Square NYC, or a novelty cake that someone jumps out of. Just make certain to bake it first before putting the person inside. You'll avoid a long afternoon with the police that way. Then again, it will get you out of work for your birthday so maybe just do this first thing in the morning…

Once it's all over, go home and have a drink, secure in the knowledge that next year's birthday will not go unnoticed.

Sincerely (belatedly),
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat

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QUESTION # 679: MURPHY'S LAW OF GPA

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 03:22:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

Does general personal attitude (optimism or pessimism) have any direct bearing or influence over the application of Murphy's Law?

Noname

Dear Noname,

General Personal Attitude is very powerful, and very dark. If you are not careful, you can be overwhelmed quickly, as the name is deceiving. Thus is the nature of evil and its constant trickery. Kind of like how 4 pitchers of beer seems good at first, with all the deliciousness and pleasant side effects. Then, when you’re least expecting it, BAM! The deception is revealed as you spend the rest of the night going through the escalating stages of your defeat. It starts with unrelenting pee, followed by merciless vomiting, and finally, the ultimate humiliation of waking up naked beside your best buddy’s tiny Nonna and an empty can of Reddi Wip.

The General has influence over lots of things, like a vast number of undead troops, and a few majors and lieutenants, and even a little over his own wife - but not Murphy Law. As Murphy Law, you must use your cunning and skill as you infiltrate his command centre to stop his vile and tortuous reign over 18th century France.

If you reach the remote battlefield command post before midnight on the 12th day, Gen. Personal Attitude takes the form of Commander Optimism. He is easiest to defeat, especially if you’ve already acquired the spell of drunken happiness. If, however, you reach the remote battlefield command post on the 13th day, the General takes the form of Pessimism and instantly hits you with a bad luck curse. You can’t avoid this.

His power appears limitless, but that is because his energy bar is not visible until you acquire the Cube of Revelation. This is located in the Field of Despair. Leave immediately and get the Cube of Revelation. When you have it, enter the cave to your right. There is a rock you couldn’t move before because of your lack of willpower, but now you will be able to. Behind it is a spell book that contains the final spell, “Believe”.

Immediately go back to the command post and confront The General. Your first attack won’t work due to the bad luck curse, so don’t waste your spells. After The General tells you he’ll make you his right-hand man if you join his side, cast the first spell. Murphy Law will declare, “I don’t believe you!” The General will be caught off guard and if you’re quick you can hit him with the spell again. Law will yell,”That’s impossible!” Finish him off with the same spell and Murphy Law will say, “Your glass is half EMPTY, General!”

The General will begin to crumble as his minions flee. He will scream, “How could you defeat me, the most powerful being on earth? Nooooooo!”
Seems impossible, but that’s Murphy Law for you.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder

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QUESTION # 678: NO MYSTICAL TELEKINETIC NINJAS HERE

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 06:06:00 +0000

Dear Useless Friends,

So, I have been reading since before you got a useless clock and have seen many questions about relationships answered, so I wanted to pose one of my own.

I highly enjoy the company of this guy who lives in my dorm building. For some reason everytime I am around him, I become very clumsy. A week and a half ago I accidently knocked tea over onto his Mac (and he is a computer engineering major, so doubly bad). He still is friendly and we hang out quite frequently, however I still find it very hard to make my feet function normally. Sometimes I don't realise he is there until I have fallen down and he is there.

...

As I am writing this I suddenly realise that he is also a black belt at kung fu, so... what if he is passive agressivly upset about his poor computer still being in the shop and is using some mystic kung fu energy to knock me over everytime he is close to me and that is why he invites me to be around him?

Crushing, but hopefully not crushed.

Dear Crushing,

First off, let me just make it clear that I do not believe in the existence of telekinetic ninjas with mystic powers. However, there is most definitely a group of basement-dwelling 32-year-old dungeon masters* who will vehemently disagree with me. But, assuming I’m wrong, and I usually am, you’ll need to impress this computer engineering friend of yours to change the current course of events.

His computer, and its safe return, is the key. There are a number of big stores such as Future Shop that offer repair services to computers and he could have taken the damaged computer to any one of these locations. To impress him, you need to locate the exact store, steal the computer, fix it yourself, and return it to him. In order to accomplish this, you may have to do some learnin’.

If you look at bulletin boards around campuses or drug stores, you can often find people offering computer classes or repair classes on the cheap to help pay for their schooling and/or Mary Jane addiction. I suggest taking one of these nerds up on their offer of computer repair courses. You might also find some great bargains on “mildly stained” and “gently used” couches. If you see anything interesting, call me. We need another place to sleep in the office as I can’t seem to make my rent anymore thanks to One Useless Man’s stingy paychecks.

Anyway, in a few short months you should have learned how to repair his computer. But it sounds to me like there is another issue you’ll need to overcome. The problem is your clumsiness, IE your ‘fat fingers’, which make your hand movements clumsy. Now, surgery might be the best option here. That is, if you don’t want to spend the rest of your life whacking the keyboard with your palms, potentially endangering any tall plant, hot beverage, or Lego CN Tower within your 3 ft. radius.

Don’t worry. In a few short months your surgery should have healed nicely and you will be ready to fix his computer. All that’s left to do is find the shop he brought it to, steal it, fix it, and return it to him with a big red bow on it. If he took it to Future Shop, they likely haven’t even looked at it yet, so you’re good.

My last bit of advice is when working on the computer: just make sure you resist the temptation to load his hard drive with naked swooning photos of yourself. I know this may come as a surprise, but this sexy and heartwarming act may actually backfire. Take it from me – I know from experience.

Oh wait, you said it was a Mac? Gosh.

Sorry. I can’t help you.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder

* I officially do not recognize the title of dungeon master and therefore refuse to capitalize it. Suck it, dungeon masters.

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QUESTION # 677: STALKING SPLOJERKS

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 02:59:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

I use a computer in a public place and there is a guy there most times I go in. He constantly, snuffs, snorts, sighs and scatches the whole time I'm there. Why does he do this? I've watched through a window before going in and he is just surfing the web. This activity starts as soon as I sit down.

TJ

Dear TJ,

You have found yourself a splojerk. Don’t confuse these with a Spoljaric. They are fine baseball family out of Port Hope, Ontario. (Hi Paul!)

Unless, of course, this public computer place is in Port Hope, in which case it could be both. It would be rare, I suppose. My cousin once felt threatened by a splojerk in Port Hope (who was not a Spoljaric as far as I know). Either way, this spoljerk made my time at the part get cut short when my older cousin decided her safety was more important than an extra under-dog on the swings. Of course, that slimy punk may have wanted a little under-dog himself, and he was too big for the swings.

Where was I? Right, Port Hope. Initially I’d guess that this guy was trying to get your attention, akin to hitting you over the head with a lunchbox to show his love but without the assault charges.

But then I re-read your letter. Mostly because I’d forgotten what you were asking. And you said “I’ve watched through a window before going in…” And alarm bells began ringing like loud bells that would be in a good metaphor that I can’t think of right now. Think liberty bell but without the crack, unless it was my wise crack here.

Ummm… where was I? Right, you being a stalker. Your staring through the window has clearly frighten this man. Port Hope is a small town, and the prospect of avoiding you in future in a public computer place isn’t promising. So he is clearly making actions to turn you off. It’s like a woman that farts in an elevator to ensure she doesn’t get followed by the creepy guy that just got off.

Now, if you are still interested in him, I suggest that you make your intentions more clear like inviting him to the park for a ride on the swings. Unless you have a lunch pail available?

Sincerely,
One Useless Man

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QUESTION # 676: HALLOWE'EN HORROR

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 00:10:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

My sister has double dog dared me to wear this costume for halloween. I wanted to get your advice since you are such a Halloween GuRu!?

Velvet Ginger

Dear VG,

At first glance this costume might seem inappropriate and hussyish and there is some validity there. While it would be in bad taste to wear to, say, cousin Norma’s wedding in about 48 of the U.S of States, it’s perfectly acceptable everywhere else, and that includes Halloween parties. Funerals, too. I mean, people are already crying. So what if they cry even harder when you show up? Their loved one is already dead so there’s virtually no chance you could make that situation worse.

Now, because I’m real good at reading, I understand that you were double dog dared to wear this breastacular costume. Obviously the darer clearly thinks there is something wrong with it. But upon close examination of the photo attached, in the bathroom, for about 3 minutes, I found the shirt to be made from a good quality cotton/lycra blend, and the mask a fair representation of a senior North American citizen. Therefore I must assume it’s the dangly bits that appear to be unfitting for whatever function you are going to.

So why is your sister wrong? I’ll tell you.

People, as all men can attest to, are not offended by boobs. Why else would the internet be 97% porn? It’s a supply and demand thing. Men demand boobs, the internet supplies them. In jpeg and mpeg form. “But,” you may say, “Halloween is for kids! What if children see the breasts??”

"Pshaw," I say. Children are just as curious as adults. Freddy Kreuger would give them nightmares, not two big danglies under a Hooters shirt.

Furthermore, nobody’s going to remember seeing those jugs anyway. Now, most of them will surely remember uncle Phil, the propane torch and the boat docks. There just had to be abetter way to start that campfire without sending two boats into carbon heaven and getting the whole family kicked out of the KOA under the cover of darkness, if by cover of darkness you mean the glowing orange blaze and the flashing red and whites of the volunteer fire brigade. That little stunt would land him in top running for the Darwin Awards, or all over YouTube the next day, if it hadn't been 1967. Besides, the rest of the crowd will be too drunk to remember how to wipe their own butts when they wake the next morning to find themselves sitting, curiously, on the toilet with a rubber chicken stuck to their face. I don't know why...

Big boobs are an amazing thing. Both girls and guys want them. Therefore, wearing this costume to a party would make you the center of attention as party goers gather round to examine its authenticity. And assuming you use your natural wonders in place of some rubbery accessory, you’ll be the saggy life of the party. That being said, here’s your official invite to The Useless Men’s Useless Halloween bash:

Sat. Nov 1st
One Useless Man’s Garage,
9 p.m.
ByoB – no, not beer.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder

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QUESTION # 675: MONKEY BUSINESS

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:44:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

It's been awhile since I wrote. Luckily I'm not Catholic or you'd be telling me I had to do some kind of annoying penance. Not that penance is all bad. Some of it is kind of fun. So... do you like being spanked or do you prefer to give a little swat now and then?

Signed,
Curious, The Cat with Claws

Dear Curious (TCWC),

Glad you came back with another question. I should state that continuous reading of Useless Advice From Useless Men is a kind of penance all its own. It has been a while for us to respond to this question and for that you are required to continue reading until you feel you've suffered enough.

I understand why it took so long to dream up this controversial question. This is delicate for a couple of reasons. There is always the great debate about child rearing and if spanking is appropriate or more damaging. There is also the issue of animal testing inherent with this type of inquiry. I was for both, but let's break this down.

Childrenary disciplination actions are a hot topic lately. I was spanked as a kid and I looked forward to spanking my own. Spanking is a learning process much like touching a hot stove. You touch a hot stove. You get burned. Your Mom yells at you a lot. You don't touch it again until you need more attention from Mom. Simple.

Likewise, when you shave the dog and paint it to look like the cat, you get spanked. Then you won't shave the dog and paint it to like the cat again. Simple.

Did I like being spanked as a kid? No. It was a punishment.

Now seeing as I don't have kids yet, I had to test the "Spanker" theory somehow and as such I tested it the only way I knew how.

I spanked my monkey.

As a volunteer with the local zoo (which is my penance for shaving the dog and .... well you know), I was able to organize a safe and top of the line work environment where myself, Dr. Creepy-Janitor-With-The-Twitch, (I think the name is Hungarian), and Prince Kong (the chimpanzee I've been helping with) could conduct our research.

I chose Prince Kong because kids are like monkeys. They climb on everything, they make a lot a noise, and a lot of mess.

What I found when I spanked my monkey was that it wasn't all that satisfying. Perhaps it was the screeching the monkey made which made me realize it actually was hurting him more then it was hurting me. My Dad always said, “This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” before muttering “little buggers” under his breath. I was surprised that my spanking of the monkey didn’t hurt me at all. Even spanking harder and faster, I was sore, but not as sore as Kong.

So perhaps it was my conscience that tainted the experience knowing Prince Kong had done nothing wrong.

Or, maybe it was the creepy janitor guy with the twitch (who let me use his utility closet for the test) watching as I spanked my monkey that spoiled the experience.

I don't know. I'm not a veterinarian.

I won't lie. It got weird. Especially when my monkey spanked me. Monkey see, monkey do, I suppose.

In the end, I found that I did not enjoy spanking. Not spanking my monkey or my unborn kids either. Did I like being spanked by Prince Kong? Yes. Because it was punishment.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother

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QUESTION # 674: QUATTRO TITANIUM TRIMMER ON THE LOOSE

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 17:01:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

Gimme some useful advice- I always feel uncomfortable when searching for loose change. How do I change this??

In addition to soliciting advice, I'm writing to you today on behalf of Schick - they have a new Quattro Titanium Trimmer that is unlike anything else on the market. It has a four blade razor- with an edging blade on one end, and a trimmer on the other. Crazy, right??!

We're sending out samples for bloggers to check out and review - I think you and your readership might be interested.

Also, you can let your readers know that they can get their own free Titanium Trimmer in the mail. All they have to do is visit www.trimflixx.com and make their own video clip. No strings attached. As you know, people love hearing about ways of getting free stuff. Especially when it's a cool high tech razor like this one.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best,
Deana
www.trimflixx.com

Dear Deana,

I’ll give you some useful advice: Keep sending us cool free stuff!

I think it’s awesome when someone in the ad game (or the marketing game, or the free stuff to give away game) gets “it”. I mean, I like it better when I get “it”. Not all "it" because some of "it" is bad. Like tag, when being “it” sucks. Where was I? Sorry…

It. You got "it" when you started by asking for our advice. Kudos to you and the folks that employ you. (Psst – Deana is a keeper!)

That doesn’t change the fact that we are generally useless, and will barely be putting this answer up before your promotion is over. But not without our own extensive research. First I spent two weeks growing a beard. If I’m gonna try a shaving product, like your Quattro Titanium Trimmer, I’m darn well gonna give it a run for its money (which ironically, was free).

I liked the man sized handle. I liked the extra blades. I really don’t know what the extra blade in the back does, other than cut me (I’m sure that’s not the proper thing to do with it, but I don’t read instructions). Regardless, the extra blade added that element of danger, like when we mow the lawn in sandals. Dangerous, but exhilarating.

Which is how I feel about loose change. It’s not really loose if you have it trapped in a hand bag or a purse or pocket. You want confined change. If you have loose change trapped in your purse, let it go free. You ever corner a wild badger? That’s nothing if you have a handful of nickels ready to gnaw your hand off if you reach any closer.

So let your loose change go free. If you don’t have any free range change farms where you are, feel free to send your loose change to us, where we will set it free in the Canadian north for you. (Loose change travels best in the form of a cheque.)

Thanks for the extra cool razor. I gave the extra one to the Useless Wonder. Sadly, he thought I was writing back to a different question…

Sincerely,
One Useless Man

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QUESTION # 673: USELESS NEWS NETWORKS

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 13:02:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

Why does the media find it necessary to state the absolutely obvious facts in such a way that we are led to believe that it was a surprising revelation to them when they heard it at the press conference?

My best example is the most recent tragic shooting in Omaha. There was a news story following that stated "Killer smuggled rifle into mall under his clothes." Well DUH !!!! Did they originally think that perhaps he had it strapped to the top of his hat like the wiener and bun on top of the hot-dog mobile?

Signed

Dear Signed,

The media has soldiered on for years as the providers and defenders of free thought and education for the masses. They have fought long and hard to ensure that we are kept up to date on current events and social trends. Over the years their effectiveness has been eroded.

There was a time when the radio stations were the first to bring us current events. The newspapers would provide an in depth analysis of the stories we heard on the radio. The television came along and shows were created to truly exhaust the research on things. Entire channels have been devoted to single topics such as nature or renovations or cooking. Eventually they all scramble to take care of the good topics. What was left was the tripe and dross that makes up much of what we see on mainstream media today. What are the latest drunken starlets wearing? Who's dating who? These are all that's left.

The media have been clamoring so long to be head over each other that they must continue speaking whether they have something to say or not. Dead air is the enemy! As such, we get treated to running commentary of … nothing. You need only tune in to the constant news networks on the air these days to hear the same nugget of information being restated over and over and over-analyzed for hours upon hours until the next nugget comes in. Watch. Rinse. Repeat.

In their pursuit of such, we, Useless Men, salute the media. Never in the history of the world has so much money and effort been expended to accomplish nothing at all. We are envious and as such put ourselves in the running for the next barons of global media.

Please send your cheques and loose change to us that we may start the Useless News Network. I can tell you first hand that we'd love to cover any news story involving a hotdog mobile with coverage utilizing all the current technologies available to us. A multi pronged approach using print, radio, television and internet coverage in all its hotdog-ish splendor.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless I'd Be A Cat

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QUESTION # 672: SMELLY MR. KNOW-IT-ALL

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 13:49:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

Why do ppl who think they know everything often have 20 cats and always smell like cat pee?

Honkeie2

Dear Honkeie2

Cat urine is stronger and more offensive than dog or human urine, so I can understand your repulsion. But don’t be too quick to judge, as there are plenty of stupid people who own cats as well. Take Jon Arbuckle for example. He’s not exactly famous for his knowledge of quantum mechanics or political science.

Nevertheless, if the smell of cat pee offends you, try this helpful tip for avoiding the know-it-all types: You will need to learn to spot the know-it-all from a distance. Luckily, they can be easily recognized by their annoying characteristics.

They will often talk a lot or speak very quickly, and use words you likely won’t understand. They can be tall, with greasy hair or big scruffy beards with wisps of grey. Thick glasses are common, as is non-directional pacing.

If it proves difficult to avoid situations where you’d encounter a person matching this description you can always carry around a bottle of Urine Away. The fast-acting enzyme action eliminates cat urine odours and stains. Simply hose the know-it-all and let dry.

Finally, you should avoid known know-it-all hangouts. There’s nothing worse than being cornered by a bearded close-talker who’s wearing a leopard-print thong with his boys hanging out the sides a little bit, and wants nothing more than to tell you about society’s mistakes while he feeds the 20 cats that live with him in his cardboard box in the alley behind the Useless Offices.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder

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QUESTION # 671: UNITING USP UNDER ICUSM

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 12:34:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

Very, very long time ago, in IT department of one Telecom company we founded small useless community. We called it US since then, which is short for Useless Speaking. We talked about magnesium, reverse kicks, randomizing and many other interesting things. We used to do useless speaking on meetings, by mail and in our regular office life. I've been googling for other useless people and then, in 2006 I found YOU, Useless Men...

My first question to you was : "What do you think about magnesium?" It was a test question, which let me identify how useless you are. I'm really happy to realize that we are not the only Useless Speaking People (USP) on the planet. I want to locate the other living forms of Useless Men and unite them under International Community of Useless Speaking Men (ICUSM). What do you think about this?

Regards,
Useless Speaking

Dear Boris Badenov,

Ah! Comrade! Long time, no speaking (useless or otherwise)! I trust all is well and the thaw has begun in lovely Pottsylvania? The western half of our country is in the grips of a typical Canadian Prairies Springtime here, having seen winter come and go twice in the past month. Sunny and 20 degrees Celsius one day, 20cm of snow the next!

But enough about me...

I see you've been dabbling in IT, eh? Not exactly your usual "bomb in a briefcase" style for dealing out mayhem and destruction on moose and squirrel, but effective none-the-less. I can't count the number of times my network guy has come to fix my PC, only to leave me feeling like I'd be better off hanging myself from the air vent above my desk. Well, actually, I probably could count the number of times, but the result would just be an increased desire to hang myself from the air vent above my desk.

Which begs the question: What is that air vent for, anyway? Well, air, obviously, but I haven't felt the slightest breeze from the thing the entire time I've worked here. There's even that little piece of pink ribbon tied to the grate that has me constantly looking up... Did it move? I think it moved... Yet my cubical is still only about 2 degrees cooler than the 7th circle of hell and smells like gym socks.

Okay, really now, enough about me...

You want to know what I think about uniting Useless Speaking People (USP) to form the International Community of Useless Speaking Men (ICUSM)?

I think that sounds like a lot of people you'll need to talk into sex-change operations.

And now, here's something we hope you'll really enjoy...

Sincerely,
Useless Intern

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QUESTION # 670: PUNK-TUATIONS

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 14:04:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

Mkay.

Here's the deal....

I met a man I really like, but he is ummmm.... otherwise spoken for.
Not in the literal sense, but I get the feeling that his need to wrap up his past will take longer than what I have the time or patience for.

How should I approach such a useless situation?

ps
May be that I am hoping for an extra little something under my tree rather than an actual 'relationship'.

:D

Dear :D,

I’ve never met someone with punctuation in their name. That is so cool.

Punctuation is so powerful, and alluring. It’s like that old test where you put a sentence up and see how people punctuate it. The most common one is “Woman without her man is nothing.” People punctuate it differently and get different meanings. Like, “Woman, without her, man is nothing” and “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” I wrote, “Woman, without her man, is Wo.” I failed.

Professor said I left nothing out of the assignment. I countered that nothing changed. He agreed that nothing changed, and that nothing was wrong. I said, “Exactly.” So why did I fail? Teacher said I left nothing out. I agreed that nothing was left out. And the confusion continued with Professor Costello.

So when you say this man of yours is otherwise spoken for, I assume you mean he is in another set of figurative “quotation marks.” My English professor would likely suggest you approach the situation with a full range of punctuation.

Some women think they need to make a statement, but then miss the period. That’s an opening for trouble, and interpretation. Did you leave him thinking it was a question mark? You could be too aggressive and leave an emphatic exclamation point! Or the ambiguous ellipse that leaves the reader wondering what more you meant…

The best way to solve your dilemma is through word association. Ask your man this question, “If you were a form of punctuation, what punctuation would you be?” It’s a great way to see how his mind works, and what he really thinks of himself. Compare your answer with his, and see if you would be compatible. As a base, my English Prof asked me the same question. I said I was a colon. But that was because I eat a lot of bran.

Sincerely,
::: One Useless Man :::

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QUESTION # 669: CHARITY COMES FROM THE MIND

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Fri, 30 May 2008 22:58:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

I think it's great The Useless Wonder is participating the Becel Ride for Heart.
I tried to send you a donation -- but the only accepted Credit Cards... which I don't have (was hoping for paypal *lol*)
Oh well... it's the thought that counts, right???

Sincerely,
~Tried To Help....

Dear Tried to Help,

On September 21, 1938, Murray Albert arrived home after work as usual, and stumbled upon a scene. He was surprised to find his wife having tea with her two sisters and their parents. All around their feet was scattered the evidence of a party; torn paper, ribbons, bows, empty boxes and three “Waring” blenders.

Completely forgetting his wife’s birthday, and seeing both the anger in her expression and the three weapons on the floor, Murray quickly came up with a story. “I wanted to buy you a Cadillac,” he told her, “but the 1939 models didn’t arrive in time. It’s the thought that counts, right sweetheart?” History was made. To this day, Useless Men every where still use the Murray Albert to avoid getting whacked in the head with a blender.

I agree that the thought should count. It would make the world a better place. If thoughts counted, it would give the Heart & Stroke Foundation bragging rights. Fundraising would be 10X easier as one would only have to think about donating $100 and it would be done, even if the $100 didn’t come from their own wallet. In no time, the Heart & stroke Foundation could honestly say they were the top fundraiser in the world.

And it would eliminate violence. Bank robbers would only have to think about holding up a bank at gunpoint and they’d be rich without ever having to beat your cute little grandma’s adorably wrinkled head in.

It would also solve world hunger as merely thinking of giving food to economically challenged countries would result in bellies full of grubs, worms and millipedes.

And finally, if thoughts counted, all I would have to do to get myself out of this demeaning, stab-myself-in-the-face-with-a-pitchfork job writing Useless replies is to think of a giant cement truck delivering its creamy load straight into the Useless Office right in the middle of One Useless Man’s famous you-won’t-be-getting-paid-again-this-week meetings.

But thanks anyway!

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder

P.S. If not a credit card, I would also accept personal cheques and secret Swiss bank account wire transfers.

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QUESTION # 668: YAAAWWWWWNNNNnnn.....

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Tue, 27 May 2008 15:08:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

What do you think about sleep. Is it highly overrated. Personally, I don't feel there can be too much sleep, but then perhaps I just need a nap.

Sincerely,
Sleepy

Dear Sleepy,

I am a chronic insomniac and can honestly say that sleep is like air. You don't really notice it until it begins to run out. Personally I do find sleep to be highly overrated. You're dealing with a man who calls sleeping in getting up at 8:00am.

For the record, I generally get around 5-6 hours a night. I never was a napper but have found that as sleep and I have fallen out of favour that naps and I have become acquainted. Like a bad marriage where you get bored with each other and begin fooling around, naps and sleep don't get along either. Once I nap I find that sleeping is even more difficulty for me. Not that I don't enjoy it. A good nap is invigorating and even though I know I'll pay for it later I find myself craving the nap. The thrill of chasing a good nap is invigorating. I imagine that by the time and an old grey haired chap that sleep and I will be in an occasional relationship at best. Instead I shall collect most of my rest in a series of naps.

The sad irony of this is that by the time I get to that age I'll not have much to fill my time with as opposed to now, when those few hours would be so handy. I suppose it's a good thing that as a Useless Man I am lacking in the ambition and focus departments. This will allow me to fill the abundance of time with things like chasing kids off my lawn and watching bugs fly into the bug zapper lamp. There's always the opportunity to catch up on my navel gazing...

We'll see what time brings.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat

P.S. Give my regards to the other dwarves could you please? What's the deal with Snow White? Looks like hers and housekeeping skills too? I'm surprised you guys let her get away!

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QUESTION # 667: DOES FOOTBALL HAVE A YEAST INFECTION?

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Fri, 23 May 2008 14:30:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

With all this talk about steroids in baseball why have they seemed to over look the obvious juice junkies-Football and Hockey players? I mean come on now, being on the gear won't help you hit the ball if you can't swing it in time. But it sure will help out your game if you are a Labatt Blue beer swigging ice fairy who's only part in the game is to start a fight. Or all you have to do is stop the other roider in front of you from moving forward. Why are they so concerned with only baseball plays shooting junk into their rears?

Phil

Dear Phil,

The answer to this one is quite simple: Filler.

You see, in the world of professional sports, there are times during broadcasts when there just isn't enough action on the field or ice for the Play-by-Play Commentator to call. That's where the Colour Commentator and, subsequently, Filler come in.

Hockey is a sport of extreme skill and agility, one where the action is nearly non-stop. There is so much passing, checking, shooting, and saving going on that the play-by-play will leave all but the best commentators tongue-tied. And, as such, the Colour Commentator rarely has enough time to spit out a few plus-minus stats in between whistles, let alone get into who is abusing what over-the-counter cold medicine.

With football, broadcasters face different challenges. It is unclear whether the stop-and-start nature of the game causes, or is a product of, the average football fan's shortened attention span, but the two are most certainly linked. This means that, while there is plenty of time between plays to fill, it is vital that this time be used to remind the fans of the few basic tenets of the game:

"Hamilton will need a first down on this next play"

"Toronto will have to make a drive for the End Zone if they hope to score a touchdown"

"The Stampeders Cheerleaders are a Look But Don't Touch exhibition..."

If the commentators were to dwell on the use of performance-enhancing drugs, and the resulting domestic abuses, the fans would quickly become confused, disoriented, and riotous. Much like European Football fans.

Baseball is the only professional sport with so little action and so few players of interest that a game could be commentated by the women of The View and still run the risk of dead air.

As a way to fill the gaps, it's obvious that networks like NBCSports, ESPN, TSN, among others, had to choose between discussing players' left- or right-handed techniques for scratching their own Danger Zones or controversial home run record holders.

I have to say, I'm quite happy with their decision.

Sincerely,
Useless Intern

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QUESTION # 666: FEELING LUCKY?

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Tue, 20 May 2008 20:01:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

Do useless men buy lottery tickets?

Question by The Oddly Useless Foundation of Ontario

Dear Q by the OUF of Ont,

Kudos on the hard to handle handle.

Short answer? No.

Long answer? Yes. We do not "buy" lottery tickets, but we do buy into the office lottery pool. We have to in order to work here.

If we don't acknowledge the existence of the lottery, then the Trademark Advice Randomizer doesn't acknowledge us. How are we going to be paid then? By winning the Lottery? I don't think so. Have you seen those odds of that?

Seriously though, how are we to get paid then? Can someone ask because I have not seen any money come my way.

If you work with Useless Advice From Useless Men then you're in the Lottery. The Trademark Advice Randomizer is like the organizer in that it keeps track of all Useless employees. Come mid-June, it spits out several slips of paper and each of us takes one.

All slips are blank except for one which is marked with a large black circle. The (un)lucky one gets ... well I think most of you know where I'm going with this.

Those of us who ended up with the blank slips spend the next few days gathering stones. Large ones, small ones, doesn't matter. We just spend night and day gathering stones. I remember one last year that was so big, I had to carry it with both hands.

Remembering back to last year isn't easy for any of us. June 27th, 2007 arrived like an overwhelming sense of dread as we all gathered at The Useless Wonder’s house. The day was humid, thick with tension. Apprehension weighed on us like a sack full of stones.

Maybe it was the sack full of stones we each carried that weighed us down. I don't know. I'm not a poet. It just seemed that, like The Useless Wonder had been marked, there was a symbolic black circle around his home.

As we all emptied our stones upon the ground with none too far out of reach that any one of us could not grab one and hurl it on a split second notice, The Useless Wonder came out to make his final plea, before the stoning began.

He cried out, "Please do NOT place your stones outside of the black circle I've drawn around my house!" And with that we all threw down and began the back-breaking work of building a fortified wall around The Useless Wonder’s property.

So I ask you, who really was last years winner of the Useless Lottery pool?

Who?

It was the Useless Wonder and he wanted us to build a bloody stone wall around house!

Everyday since that day, as I come into the Useless Offices, I see that danged wall standing not a stones throw away and I wince at what prize I'll have to build this year.

Man, I hope I win the Lottery this time.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother

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QUESTION # 665: BOBBING FOR OXYGEN

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Fri, 16 May 2008 19:25:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

Why do scuba divers always enter the water backwards?

S.S.

Dear Scuba Steve,

Thanks for your question. Scuba diving is a fun underwater activity where participants must wear a tank of super tasty oxygen on their backs so that they can breathe while submerged. It allows divers to swim with the fishes; in a non-Johnny Left-Foot related way.

Doing things backwards has gotten a bad rap over the years thanks to Useless Men like us. It’s because of our idiocy that such clichés as “Don’t put the cart before the horse,” and the other, less famous cliché, “Don’t polish the chrome before a rainstorm.” Surprisingly, the horse cliché became a household phrase, despite the lack of horses and carts, and the increase in chrome and chrome-related products.

Things are different now. Doing things backwards is cool! Just ask Kris Kross. Doing things backwards adds excitement to any activity. Imagine how fast your heart would beat if you drove 30 miles to work in reverse? And Canada’s Wonderland nearly tore down the all but ignored ride, The Bat, until some engineer made a last ditch effort to save it by running it backwards to attract the kids.

Yes, doing things backwards is way more awesomer than doing things frontwards, but scuba diving is not for everyone. Scuba diving may cause some unwanted symptoms. Common side effects include: dry mouth, drowsiness, constipation, diarrhea, blurred vision, high blood pressure, low blood pressure, nausea, heartburn, erectile dysfunction, weight gain and weight loss. Do not operate heavy machinery while scuba diving. Ask your doctor if scuba diving is right for you.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder

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QUESTION # 664: OFF TO THE RACES

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Tue, 06 May 2008 17:27:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

Why is road construction equipment always painted that sickly yellow color? Wouldn't road work get done faster if the heavy equipment they use were painted with color schemes like NASCAR uses?

Speedway Frank

Dear Frank,

Let’s be frank, Frank. You have a great idea here. And we are going to ~~steal it~~ claim it as our own.

Who knows if they will get the work done faster. That’s a union issue (solidarity!). BUT the sponsorships can be a great way to add infrastructure to the budgets! Can you imagine the ad campaigns? “This union-made highway is longer and harder thanks to our sponsors at Viagra!” Instead of white lines, little blue dots would separate lanes.

In fact, we could make the whole driving experience more race-like with the addition of banked corners. There could be yellow caution flags out around the construction sites, and the state patrol could stand on the side of the highway with a radar gun and a red flag for speeders. Black flags would also be available for drunks and people on cell phones.

And every turn will only be to the left.

Then we can add pit stops every 80 miles and you can get gas top ups and free tires! Of course, without the sponsorships, we’d have to raise taxes and you could expect to pay about 2.5 million dollars per car, per household. BUT you’d also get insight into the latest Toyota racing technology. We figure the big guys won’t go for it, but Toyota just wants to be everyone’s friend like that left-handed redhead in 3rd grade. (HI TREVOR!)

Not sure what the next step should be? Do I start making calls, or do I run for city council? With all the red tape of bureaucracy I expect I’m just going to keep running into walls.

And that’s NEVER good in racing.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man

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QUESTION # 663: A REST FROM THE PESTS

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Thu, 01 May 2008 15:38:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

It's never too early for proper preparation. And with spring just around the corner, it’s only a short time until mosquito season is here again.

What is your best proven solution to prevent mosquito bites, without compromising an outdoor lifestyle?

Potential Malaria Sufferer

Dear Potential Malaria Sufferer,

Mosquito season will indeed be upon us soon. The easiest way to avoid mosquito bites is to avoid mosquitoes. The easiest way to do this is to take note of situations in which mosquitoes aren't a problem.

You'll notice that the appearance of mosquitoes vanishes when the winter rolls in. It's a little known fact that mosquitoes hate the snow because they are lazy and hate shoveling. By setting up a summer home in an area of the world that is under snow and ice during our summer would be an effective method of mosquito avoidance. This is not a cost effective solution for many.

For those of you who are in a lower snack bracket like me then you'll not be able to afford the chemical systems required to kill them. This also precludes the costly mosquito traps that are widely available on the market today. Plus they are not that portable and require you to stay in their effective range. This makes options like mosquito netting more attractive as they go with you wherever you may roam. These mesh suits are nice but are susceptible to tears which would let the bloodthirsty hordes in for attack. I noticed when camping with the family one summer that the girls were getting mauled by mosquitoes. I think it's because they smell all purdy like. Maybe those lotions and shampoos are like a beacon to them.

To that end I recommend a strict summertime regimen of hygiene-only bathing. Only washing when medically required will minimize the amount of perfumes you have on you. To test this theory I have not bathed since receiving this email and have yet to be bitten by a single mosquito. Plus, I have no trouble finding a seat on the bus either. By simply standing there with my arm raised to hold a handrail I notice that a seat almost always becomes mysteriously available shortly after my arrival on the bus. The possibilities that come with this approach are limitless.

If I can repel the rudest of commuters in this fashion a wee mosquito doesn't stand a chance.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat

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QUESTION # 662: SPAM IS THE SOUNDTRACK OF OUR USELESS LIVES

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 17:20:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

Hi,

I heard your music and wanted to invite you to start a free artist page on our site.

IACmusic.com is an indie all-star site, it recently got mention in Rolling Stone, and has been called the most innovative music portal on the web. Cashbox found the quality of music on the site so outstanding that now all content on their Indie Charts comes directly from IAC.

Our traffic is huge and growing, word of mouth is off the hook, and our station set-up is years beyond any other music site. Meanwhile, our community is thriving with station managers who actively pounce on the new releases and will help promote your songs for you. Also, IAC stations will soon be available to listen to via any cellphone with our recent move into that arena.

We are about the music and indie culture. No cookie-cutters were used in the making of this site. IAC is colorful and magical, to reflect the creativity of the artists themselves. If you choose, you can sell your downloads, set your own price and you get 100% of the take. You can build digital CDs called DMDs which include the revolutionary IAC Ultrapage. IAC's dedicated support department is always there to answer your questions. Check out the site here. If you want to find real listeners, this is the place to do it.

Here's a direct shortcut to start a free page. Any additional exposure can help you get your music to the world.

Hope to hear your songs at IAC soon.

Toby, a&r - IACmusic.com

Dear Toby,

Really? You heard my music? ... wow .... You must have seen my video.

When I performed this song, I certainly thought I was breaking new ground and heads above all other competition. Kermit even threatened legal action if I went so far as to record this performance and post it. Let me just say that Kermie, after seeing my performance, has since dropped the suit. I'm guessing he was taken aback by the quality of my raw musical talent and mesmerising stage presence.

People just couldn't turn away.

And while I want to thank you for your offer, I think my music has seen enough support from around the world. So with that can I suggest offering your site to these other bands who may have strong local followings, could use more support for global exposure.

Anchorhead, self-proclaimed Darth Metal-heads, play brilliant Star Wars based heavy metal. Unfortunately due to probable copyright infringement this band has yet to move beyond demos and live performances.

Stovokor is a Klingon heavy metal band whose music is unworthy of human ears, but they have kindly uploaded some mp3's all the same.

Summoning is clearly the most prominent Lord Of The Rings based metal band with 6 full length releases and 2 ep's are certainly well established. However, any LOTR-based band deserves all the exposure available. A shout out to Battlelore and Blind Guardian for stellar LOTR based albums as well.

And lastly, there is Harry And The Potters who are at the forefront of Harry Potter bands. They play an indie punk mix that from what I heard is terrible, but hey there must be someone in the world that will appreciate them since the Series is only the best selling set, like ever.

So I appreciate your interest in my music. I am only a hobbyist musician so please direct your attention to those whose hearts are more into the music scene.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother

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QUESTION # 661: RED ROVER, RED ROVER, LET TANDOORI COME OVER

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 21:28:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

The recent letter about raisin bread toasting faster than white bread reminded me of my own toast mystery. Why is it that, whenever I toast Tandoori Nan, my kitchen fills with these strange, foreign smells? It's almost as if I have stumbled into some immigrant neighborhood where they use weird spices to cover up the odor of some former pet that is soon to be dinner. I thought I might have accidentally bought an Asian made toaster, but the bottom says union made in the USA.

What's going on?

Jaxpop

Dear Jaxpop,

The problem lies not in your toaster, but in the strange contents with which you frustrate it on a seemingly daily basis.

I'm not sure who this "Tandoori Nan" is, but judging from his name I can only assume that he is a hitchhiking alien you picked up on a recent trip to Tatooine and was so inexplicably charming that you decided to keep him around the house. The root of your problem lies in your persistent attempts to toast him. He may in fact be a rather bashful fellow, and you raising your beverage and offering kind words at him can possibly be a source of some distress; distress which may be manifesting itself from somewhere deep within his intestinal tract. For this reason, and this reason alone, I surmise that toasting Tandoori Nan has the immediate effect of producing strange odors in your kitchen.

What do I suggest?

There are several choices. One, I would stop toasting him. Such formal recognition of his constitution is hardly necessary now that you know him. A simple "I appreciate you," will keep your kitchen smelling nice and clean.

Two, I'm not sure whether you're in the states or the syrup filled ice block up north we call "CANAD" (they ran out of space on the sign, so on the border it reads "CANAD" and there's a little arrow going up from the second A over the top of the D and pointing to where the third A would be), but if you've got socialized health-care I'd say there's no harm in bringing him by for a visit just to make sure all the plumbing's in proper working order. We had a dog once with the same problem, and the vet showed us how, with a little care and a pair of rubber gloves, we could relieve him of his affliction (my father, a roofer, then told the vet how difficult it was to get all the tar, climb onto a roof, balance your weight as you walked, test for trouble areas, and get all the shingles to slot in right, and how he always complained of back pain; he concluded that as long as his profession didn't involve him jamming a finger into the business end of a hound dog's hind quarters and rooting around inside, he'd got the better deal).

Third, as a last resort, if you want to keep your kitchen smelling nice, you insist on toasting him, and live in the United States where healthcare is neither simple nor affordable (especially for aliens), just toast him at the neighbor's house.

If they complain about the smell, just blame the dog.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless

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QUESTION # 660: FIGHTING IRISH WITH IRISH

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 17:33:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

With St. Paddy's day lurking around the corner, why is it that the Irish are so "lucky"? Leprachaun's are indeed of Irish descent and I've never really thought being so small with orange hair and having only 1 outfit as "lucky"... please fill me in.

Looking 4 My Pot of Gold

Dear Looking 4 My Pot of Gold,

You ask an interesting question. What is the luck of the Irish? For starters Ireland has had its share of Civil wars and rebellions throughout its history. Be it religious or political differences there have been violent repercussions.

Ireland also partakes in several sports like Rugby, football and hurling which require a certain amount of roughing. Rugby is dangerous and one has to not only athletic, but tough as nails. We all know the kind of violence and rioting associated with football. The sport itself my not be rough, but you have to tough to be a spectator. Hurling involves some tackling and shouldering, but the hurling ball is its own risk especially with out any
protection.

They are also famous for enjoying the odd alcoholic beverage and we all know that with enough beer comes bar fights. The phrase Fighting Irish isn't just the name of the Notre Dame Football club. The Irish are tough cookies.

The reason I have addressed this rugged nature of the Irish is the reason why they are so lucky. What other countries mythological creatures hide little pots of gold around in secret locations? Exactly. And we all know the only way to get that pot of gold is to capture and "interrogate" a Leprechaun. (read: “Beat the snot out of one.”)

The Irish are some of the toughest people, which is exactly what they need to be to strike it rich.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother

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QUESTION # 659: MURPHY’S AUTOMOTIVE

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 17:18:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

Why do cars always break down at the most inopportune time?

Annoyed

Dear Annoyed,

The reason cars break down is because, just like buttered toast, they must abide by all three (3) of the main laws: the law of gravity, the law of physics, and everybody’s favourite, Murphy’s Law.

Basically, Murphy’s Law says, “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong at the worst possible moment.” Additionally, if you prepare for the eventuality you are fearing, it will likely not occur. Remember, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Following this rule, you can avoid certain situations. For example, Murphy’s Law says, “You will spill red wine on your white tuxedo trousers exactly at the moment the Queen of England asks you to dance with her.” To avoid this situation, you must prepare for it by taping a large napkin to your lap. Similarly, Murphy’s Law says, “Your engine will overheat” unless you prepare for it. “You will also blow all four tires, run out of gas and snap your axle. Hey, that’s life, right?” Wrong.

To avoid these disasters, you would have to carry a spare axle, a jerry can full of gasoline, and four spare tires. It’s true, car parts fail all the time, but as long as you’ve got a back-up, everything should work out fine. To be safe, you should always carry spare parts with you, preferably in a trailer towed behind you, along with every conceivable spare part for the trailer, in another trailer behind the first one. Really, the process should begin at the dealership where you should be purchasing two identical cars with matching trailers.

But, should something unforeseen happen to you, here are some Useless Tips for what to do and what NOT to do when you break down:

Stop, if you can, at the crest of a hill or at the sharpest bend in the road. Sure, other cars may not see you until the last moment but at least you’ll see THEM coming and who’s more important than #1?

When your car breaks down, immediately jump out into traffic flailing your arms around wildly in order to get the attention of as many drivers as possible. If statistics show that 1 in every 120 drivers will stop to help you will have to attract the attention of at least 240 cars to guarantee attracting one person capable of helping. Why? Because, as Murphy’s Law goes, the first person to stop will probably be in the middle of breaking down too.

Remember, never park on the shoulder if you break down. This is where bandits and bank robbers drive at very high speeds. Always stay in the middle of the highway to ensure your safety. And if you’re in rush hour traffic around Toronto, it won’t even make a difference. No one will even notice.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder

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QUESTION # 658: ROYALLY USELESS

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 12:00:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

What do you do when you've not being useless?

Curious

Dear Curious George:

For some reason, the ransoming of the trademarked advice randomizer seems to have missed the Useless Chick. Only the men have been banned. So before I reboot this thing, let me take a moment to answer your question.

Sufficed to say, there isn’t a time when the men of this site aren’t being useless. If by some miracle pigs suddenly flew and men became “un-useless” the world would be full of women unable to procreate because, well, we aren’t frogs.

Imagine the kind of conundrum our world would be in then!?

Truly yours,
One Useless Chick

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QUESTION # 657: APRIL FOOLS FOREVER

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 20:40:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

Your April Fools joke has carried on too long. It's April 4th now. Dig yourself out of whatever trouble you're in and get back to posting again.

I promise not to set those little electrical buzzer things on your keyboard again. Type free of fear!

Signed,
The Unusual Suspect

To Whom It May Concern

OUT OF OFFICE AUTOMATED REPLY

Thank you for the recent attempt to provoke the Useless Men into writing. Your feeble attempts at wit and guilt will not be answered until all of our demands are met.

If you are still unaware of my demands, let this automated ransom note forever be your reminder.

1) a $1,000,000.00 gift certificate for Circuit City in untraceable $10 increments.

2) a puppy.

Until such time that these demands are met, I will continue to withhold forwarding any of YOUR Useless questions for Useless Advice from Useless Men.

Sincerely
Trademarked Advice Randomizer

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QUESTION # 656: TOASTING THE MOON

noreply@blogger.com (JODSTER) — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 21:12:00 +0000

Dear Useless Men,

hello

could you please tell me why raisin bread toasts faster than white bread? and, shouldn't my toaster have a "raisin toast" button, beside the bagel button, for my convenience? i simply cannot eat another piece of burnt raisin toast

thank you

Dear Thank You,

You've happened upon a sympathetic soul. I, too, enjoy the sweet deliciousness of a piece of raisin toast slathered in butter on a cold winter's morn. The reason for its toasting faster is that raisin bread is composed mainly of wheat (and raisins), while white bread is composed mainly of glucose. And glucose, as you are no doubt already aware, comes from NASA's lunar mining colonies, and is engineered to take longer to toast than conventional bread.

Why, you might ask? It's simple, really. You just have to follow the money.

Back in its conceptual days NASA needed capital. Because the government was unwilling or unable to front the necessary funds, NASA founder Linus Spaceshuttle (now you know why they call them what they do!) was forced to look for funding elsewhere. After many months of searching in vain for anyone who might help jumpstart his pet project of launching monkeys into space--at first begun simply as a way to have a few laughs while enjoying a cold one--Spaceshuttle was forced to expand his project if it were ever to see the light of day.

Then the lightbulb clicked on. Literally. Spaceshuttle realized that power companies, who were currently enjoying the biggest boom since their inception as would-be June Cleavers all over North America were plugging in appliances that chugged enough electricity to kill a herd of buffalo, were the perfect financiers for his operation. He wooed them with tales of people glued to their television sets for hours on end as they watched man's first moon landing. He told them about his idea for a place called "mission control," which would be a city unto itself as far as electricity consumption was concerned. Their interest was piqued, but they wanted more. They wanted sustained, continuous return on investment. They wanted toast. And Linus Spaceshuttle was going to give it to them.

Realizing the only way to get his pet project off the ground--pardon the pun--Spaceshuttle agreed to research a man-made substance that would increase toasting times by 25%. Satisfied, the power barons handed over big fat checks. NASA began.

Years later, the moon was colonized in secret. Labs were deployed to mine the precious glucose from the sub-lunar surface. Toasters were designed specifically to take advantage of this, to the detriment of all other forms of bread. Faster forward to modern days, and you get burnt raising toast.

I hope this has been an eye-opening experience. Join us another time as I explain why all of our dental floss is made out of unprocessed llama hair.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless

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