Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table

ENJOY THE DAY AND HAVE A BEAM 'N COKE!!

2008-09-11T09:14:00.003-05:00

Hi Everybody or Anybody who happens upon this today. Its been a year - a long ass muthafuckin year!

This is Stephanie and Clifford and I thought we'd post up a few words in honor of Biddie, or Greg, or Death as he was known, on the day thats on his death certificate. I know in my heart
(cause of how we found stuff in his apartment) that the true day he left us was on the 9th, but I'll go w/ the paperwork thing that says the 11th.

Anyhew, like I said, its been a long ass year. We're doin' ok, making it along, but never forgetting. There are too many times when we just wanna pick up the phone to call or actually do but then realize he wont answer. My mother sometimes will say she saw a nice house for sale and for me to call Biddie and tell him about it. That was one of our things - she'd see a house, call me to call on it and I would - then call Biddie and tell him about it. Too bad my neighbor didnt get foreclosed on earlier!

The mother woman is not looking forward to her birthday next week but we'll make it thru that too. Shes stronger than she thinks she is and often thru the tears, we laugh hysterically about something Biddie would have done or would have said about something. During all this election shit, we often wonder what he would have blogged about. She misses her son terribly, some days more than others. She's strong in her faith and that gets her thru.

I want to say though, from Clifford and I, that again, we thank you for being a part of Biddies life and for helping us thru this time last year. We'll get thru today and the next week or so and be even stronger for it. We have memories and mementoes, thoughts and visions that keeps him "right here". We'll enjoy our day cause Biddie would want us to. I'm not a Beam drinker but you can bet yours or somebody elses ass I'll have something just as strong later in the day. Ya'll toast up w/ a few of 'em yourselves and enjoy the day.

We love ya!

Stephanie and Clifford

p.s. the monkey is sitting on my desk staring at me and his switch flippin days are over!

Hi ya'll............

2007-11-03T22:38:00.001-05:00

Hey Everybody,

This is not Greg, but Greg's sister. First of all, it's been too long a time and I havent said Thank You to everyone who helped get us thru Greg leaving us and all. I tried to write something but too often couldnt see thru the tears so I just quit. But I second a lot of what my brother said earlier. We're making it and it still stings and sucks big hairy monkey butt for me personally cause I really really really miss my brother. Its a day by day thing still, but in time it'll smooth itself out. I kinda laugh to myself when I think about its Greg, my father and my grandfather all up in heaven together. The grandfather is preachin, daddy is settin little fires everywhere so he can put 'em out and keep busy and Greg is sittin back in the cut eyeballin everything. Remember the movie "Micheal" w/ John Travolta playing the bad-ass angel w/ dirty not so pretty wings? Theres Greg: wings a tad lopsided and the halo is a bit tarnished and tilted to the side. But God is good w/ it and let's him do his thing.

We thank you for your love and support and whenever I get around to printing and having all his rants bound in a book, I'll let the world know.

p.s. R.I.P. Gregory Edward Beck and tell Daddy, Grandma Stella, Popo and the rest of the gang we all said hey and love ya!

So says the sister.......
"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Hello Everyone

2007-10-16T16:39:00.000-05:00

It's been over a month now since Greg took up God's offer to watch the door and check ID's of folks trying to get into heaven.
It's been hard for us dealing with Greg's passing. We're better now, but our day's are still up and down. Especially mine.
I'd like to thank again everyone for their thoughts,prayers,kindness,respect,and love that was showered upon us leading up to his funeral,and the day of. The sea of red on that day bought tears to the eye's of each and everyone of us. It was a pleasure to put the faces together with the names I've had the pleasure of reading over the years. The hugs & handshakes warmed my heart,and I'm happy to call each and everyone of you my brother & sister for life.
I had given some thought to coming home for Thanksgiving. But I don't think so. This still hurts,and I feel I need a bit more of time to myself. I really don't want to make this post about me, but as friends of Greg and my family I want to let you know what's on my mind.
I will be home sometime in the next year,and I'm looking forward to seeing as many of you that I can at the RecordBar and or whereever we decide to meet.

Death's Door,the view from the Spanish Announcers Table will stay up. Comments are welcome, hell,we're looking forward to them. I for one don't want to change a thing about Death's Door, but that's a later topic for Michelle,Stephanie,and myself. Let me know what's going on with you. I'm at cbeck715ATmindspringDOTCOM

Some years back a movie came out about the life of Brian Piccilo,a running back for the Chicago Bears. The movie was a accurate telling of his friendship with Gale Sayers. Brian Piccilo died of cancer. What I remember most of the movie was the last line that was said regarding Brian Piccilo and how I feel it applies to Greg.

In remembering Greg, lets not dwell on his death,and be sad. Smile and remember how he LIVED.

As Always
Cliff

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

and the monkey flipped the switch

2007-09-11T17:09:00.003-05:00

Hi, it's Michelle. I wish I could be guest blogging under different circumstances, but it's not to be.

Greg Beck has passed away. He was found in his home by his family this morning, and we believe that big, generous heart of his finally gave out. Funeral arrangements are being made, and I'll post an update when there are more details.

And as Greg would say, here's a blast from the past...

"As a cat gets older we sometimes begin to think of death and living and how we want to be remembered. And I’ve decided that not only do I want to be cremated... but I want every chick at my funeral rocking the red dress. That’s right, a low-cut red dress with those come fuck me at midnight heels. Well, except for my mother cause I doubt she’ll be having any of that shit. So remember, if brain dead, pull the feeding tube, cremation, and red dresses."

Greg Beck, June 28th, 2005

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

2007-09-07T12:30:00.000-05:00

From the “grumpy old muthafucker” department…………..

Maybe because where I live they’re thick as fuckin cockroaches and always underfoot and I’ve had first hand opportunity over the years to see em interact in bars.

But I’ve always held a less then stellar view when it comes to my younger collage bound brethren. Without going into a drawn out discussion, some of you are truly stupid.

I know that the majority of you clueless fucks have a lot on the ball. But goddamn, I truly fear for the welfare of America if some of you muthafuckers are supposed to represent the future fold.

Seriously, I’m dumbfucked trying to figure out how some of you little fey backpack wearing fucks can walk and hold a conversation at the same time without burning your fuckin brains out and pissing yourselves.

Do I sound harsh?

Maybe but here’s a story that will prove my point.

Up in Boston a couple of Northern University freshmen are well on their way to getting fucked in the ass for the rest of their lives. All simply because they never learned to fuckin whisper or what it means to be fuckin discreet.

I’m just saying that when you lean your stupid, mouth breathing dumb hipster ass out your dorm room window to scream at some other equally stupid hipster in the building next fuckin door.

And you holler loud as a muthafucker that your roommate has weed for sale? Don’t act so fuckin shocked when the cops do the bum’s rush on your door and bust both your stupid asses.

Which is what happened when this cat did just that and was overheard by some plainclothes cops who just happened to be patrolling the fuckin grounds.

When the cops searched their dorm room they found weed, the shit to smoke it with, scales and a shitload of booze just all out in the open and shit. Whatever happened to being all cool and stealthy with your shit?

Back in the day the only cat that hollered out of windows and shit was the neighborhood retard who wore the football helmet everywhere he went. And even he knew that if he had shit for sale he had to be cool about it.

Shit, he’d stutter and drool all day long until it came time to sell that dime. Then he’d flip and get all Pinky the Brain and shit on a muthafucker until the transaction was done.

According to my many inside sources, both Bevis and Butthead were arraigned in District Court on Tuesday on charges of possession of a class D substance with intent to distribute in a school zone, possession of alcohol by a minor, and conspiracy to violate the state's drug laws.

The intent to distribute charge carries a maximum of two years in jail. Plus the fuckin university kicked both of em out of school.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

:o face

2007-09-06T09:44:00.000-05:00

So last night per my usual habit, I’m sitting on the couch in my underwear watching “Ghost Hunters” on the Sci-Fi channel.

I just find this show so fuckin fascinating simply due to the fact that they willingly go looking for ghosts and shit.

I usually watch in the dark with the only illumination being the screen of my computer across the room from me. I sit there in my dimly lit apartment going, “ok that was scary” “you might not want to go into the basement cause it looks scary” “oooh, that was a scary sound” “man that looks like some scary shit”.

I think you get my drift; so anyway I’d just gotten off the phone with Michelle when suddenly from out of nowhere I hear clear as day the sound of a phone ringing.

Not a normal ring mind you, but kind’a all ethereal and shit.

Then that sound is followed by a woman’s voice!

In a split second it goes from me sitting there all calm as a muthafucker enjoying the TV to me turtleing out the back of my underwear and scrambling to my feet making that face no black man ever wants to make.

You know the one right? Where my mouth is wide open in the shape of an O and my eyes are bugging out?

Yeah that’s the face.

That’s when I realized that I had neglected to hang up my stupid speaker phone after talking to Michelle and it was doing that thing that phones do when you leave em off the hook. Silly me.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

down in front

2007-09-05T08:16:00.001-05:00

Well it looks like somebody’s kid got told to shit the fuck up because they had their head up their ass.

I’m talking about this big fancy hoo-doo that went down this past weekend in Miami for Black Enterprise magazine.

According to my many inside sources, funnyman Eddie Griffin was hired as part of the entertainment. And when it came his turn to do his thing on stage Friday night, he started dropping the N-word like it was fuckin going out of style.

Now at this big fancy hoo-doo was a literal who’s-who of black crème de la crust types among others who weren’t digging Eddie’s shit one bit.

Everything came to a head when Eddie asked the crowd. “Why are our Black leaders telling us to stop using the N-word?”

That’s when his mike went dead and Earl Graves, the publisher of Black Enterprise magazine and the one who hired Eddie’s signifying ass, stepped up on stage.

"We will not allow our culture to go backwards. We will pay Mr. Griffin all that we owe him but we will not allow him to finish the show if that's the way he's going to talk."

And ole Eddie got told to unass the stage.

I’d like to think that Earl got all old school on Eddie and whispered in his ear that he was gonna fuck Eddie’s shit up if he didn’t step off, but of course that probably never happened. Right?

And to be fair this was Eddie Griffin after all, who’s known for his excessive use of the N-word in his routine.
It’s like what I always tell people. “Don’t let the fuckin dog out of the yard if you know he’s gonna bite”.

t doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that Eddie ain’t right and that he’s not gonna behave. So even though Eddie Griffin’s a local boy from Kansas City, I have to say he did shit the bed on this one.

Plus if the truth be known I stopped digging Eddie ever since he came out with that stupid, stupid sitcom “Malcolm & Eddie” that was based in Kansas City. I still think someone owes me TV money from that fuckup.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

fuck me running

2007-09-04T18:37:00.001-05:00

I feel like I haven’t slept in days. Without the courtesy of a reach-around or hug, stress is fucking me something fierce.

“Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Mudville—mighty Casey has struck out”

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

2007-08-31T09:10:00.001-05:00

If you’re like me I know you’re sick and tired as a muthafucker of hearing about all the pissing contests between various religions, countries and cultures.

I’m offended by this, I’m offended by that, your hangnail offends my people. It’s no secret that there’s a lot of touchy muthafuckers out there.

And it doesn’t seem to matter what the fuck it is, whither it be the shape of your eyes or the hue of your skin to what hand you wipe your ass with. Someone somewhere is gonna get offended by it.

Well, here’s a cultural offence that I think we can all get behind. Check this out.

Now it’s no big secret that shit ain’t all warm sweaty hugs and wet kisses between China and Japan which is mostly due to Japan’s invasion and occupation of China in the first half of the 20th Century. And now lately due to China’s pesky little habit of firing missiles into the Sea of Japan.

But now China’s well known Shaolin Temple, the very same Shaolin Temple that became famous as the training ground for Kwai Chang ”Grasshopper” Caine in the 1970s “Kung Fu” TV series has been offended.

What happened was that on the internet someone said that back in the day a bunch of Shaolin Monks got their collective asses kicked by a visiting Japanese Ninja.

And now China’s fuckin Shaolin Temple, which is the fuckin cradle of Chinese kung fu, is calling bullshit and demanding an apology from whomever the fuck said that.

And I quote; “the so-called defeat is purely fabricated, and we demand the Internet user to apologize to the whole nation for the wrongs he or she did”.

According to my many inside sources, the Internet user, who calls themselves “Five Minutes Every Day,” said on an online forum last week that a Japanese ninja came to the Shaolin Temple looking for a fight and ended up kicking the no hair having crap out of a bunch of Shaolin Monks.

And this simple statement has pissed off not only the Shaolin Temple but most of stinkin China it’s self.

Especially since the internet goes on to say that due to the fact that the monks could not defeat a Japanese ninja showed that they were named as kung fu masters in vain. Or better yet a bunch of gay pussies.

This is like the famous argument who could kick whose ass, Jet Li or Jackie Chan. Personally I think that Jet Li would go all prison rape on ole Jackie, but that’s just one man’s opinion.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

I'm not gay! I just happen to like the taste.........

2007-08-30T08:13:00.001-05:00

Quote of the week;

If a man builds a thousand bridges and sucks one dick, they don't call him a bridge-builder... they call him a cocksucker

I think folks are being too harsh on Senator Larry “I’m not gay” Craig.

Just because you happen to like the taste of cock betwixt your cheek and gums, that doesn’t make you gay right?

And who hasn’t taken a “wide stance” whilst taking a shit in an airport or bus station restroom or your local truckstop?

And who among us hasn’t had a song stuck in their heads and found themselves tapping to the beat whilst taking such a “wide stance” in a public restroom?

Give the muthafucker a break why don’t you? It’s like what Joey Bananas used to say back in the day. “You’re only gay if you’re on the bottom”.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

what do you mean, wrong T-Rex?

2007-08-29T11:30:00.001-05:00

I’ve been hearing all these headlines making some kind of big ass deal about how those old dinosaurs T-Rex could outrun most modern day athletes including famous soccer player David Beckham.

You know I’m no kind of fuckin expert and shit but it must suck to be you when you can’t even outrun some old seventies stoner glam-rock band. I’m just saying and shit.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

from the archives.....road trip

2007-08-29T08:57:00.001-05:00

This is a step-off from what I usually write about, but my head got to wondering and my Grandfather came to mind. He always dug me for what I was all about and I think he’d dig reading this site.

Grandfather was a Baptist Preacher all his adult life. He wasn’t your fire and brimstone type of preacher, but he sure enough got old school about it.

He came from the Lone Star state by way of Louisiana and he preached all over West Texas in his day and was well received and respected. Back then he preached on what was called the circuit.

He’d hit a different town every Sunday or so, cause back then a lot of the smaller towns didn’t have a regular everyday man of the cloth. So they had to rely on the circuit preacher to make do.

He’d hit town, save the sinners and spread the word of God, then in the evenings the old church women would cook him Sunday dinner.

Odd thing, in that part of the world lunch was called dinner and dinner was called supper and the trunk of a car was called the turtle.

Anyway a few years ago I was working for the Man in the Missouri Boothill country and I walked into this roadside store to grab a pack of smokes.

The old man behind the counter kept staring at the federal Id that hung around my neck.

“Beck, huh? I used to travel with a preacher named Beck years ago in West Texas”. We got to talking and he told me he used to be a circuit judge years way back in the day and on accession he’d hook up and travel with a preacher named Beck. Talk about your small world. How cool was that?

As well as I can remember my Grandfather moved to the big city in the early seventies and lived here until he passed some years ago.

I think one of the best things I’ve ever done had to do with him.

Sometime before he passed he took to missing his old stomping grounds back in Texas and the family hatched a plan where he could revisit all the places where he used to preach. Think of it as the Old Preacher Reunion Tour and yours truly was picked to be the bus driver.

Here’s the picture. My grandfather, grandmother, and my mother plus myself stuffed into a reconditioned, souped up, full blown ex-highway patrol car. That was all me and my father drove back then, sorry.

My Grandfather was so pumped for this trip. We blew into West Texas like the mob and I’d drop them at whatever church he was visiting and he would always say; “well, grandson, I gonna see to my brethren. What about you?”

My mother always hated this but he dug it so I’d say; “well, we passed my brethren a few miles back. You remember that sign I showed you that said “Cold Cocktail & Nude Dancers”? I’m gonna go in there and spread the faith”.

He would then slide me a five spot and tell me it was for the offering plate. I don’t think that he knew that a couple of times I wasn’t kidding.

The road trip lasted only a few days but he really enjoyed it. He got to see old friends and places, plus spread the Word one more time and I got to do a good deed that I’ll never surpass.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

or never having to sleep on the wet spot

2007-08-28T11:37:00.000-05:00

Some people’s kids are just too fucked up for words.

Back in July up in Philly this cat got his stupid retard ass busted after he broke into a local funeral home.

What happened was that the cat that runs the funeral home had stepped out to chat up some friends across the street when he noticed lights on in the funeral home where they shouldn’t be.

So back inside he went to scope shit out and that’s when he found this muthafucker trying to be all stealthy and shit hiding next to this coffin. The funeral director jumped his ass and held him down till the police arrived.

That’s when they noticed that the coffin he was hiding behind belonged to this dead chick the funeral director was prepping for service.

According to my many inside sources, this chick was lying on the table with one leg stuck up in the air and her pantyhose all ripped off and shit.

But luckily everybody thinks that the sick bastard got busted before he was able to rub one out on the dead chick or fuck her.

And get this. After checking, the police found out that not only did this cat have a record going back some years, but he was busted in 1999 for doing the same sick shit.

After relaying all this I couldn’t help but be reminded of this old joke my sister used to tell me.

“You know what necrophilia means? Never having to say you’re sorry”.

Drum roll please.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

The Doo Dads

2007-08-27T12:59:00.001-05:00

Last week was a muthafuckin bitch so when Friday rolled around I was more then ready to go kill a few brain cells after work.

I had my mind all set on rude company, good food, cheap cigarettes and a bottomless Beam & Coke. So I headed to the Record Bar to satisfy a few of those carnal urges when my shit got slid to a screeching halt.

That was because as soon as I hit the door I was informed that the Doo Dads were playing an early show. And you know what it means when the Doo Dads play?

Well for starters it means that there’s no fuckin smoking during the duration of their show. Secondly, it means that there’s a special menu during the fuckin duration of their show. Thirdly it means that if I’m gonna stick around for the Doo Dads, it goes without saying that I have to be on my best behavior.

By now you must be asking why all the fuss for the Doo Dads and who are these muthafuckers? Well here’s the deal. The Doo Dads are a rock band and they play rock, but they play rock for a very special audience.

They play rock & roll for kids, and by kids I mean the little tiny Barney hugging variety. I’m just saying that if there was a kid in the joint old enough to be out of their Princess or Superman Huggies, I’d be surprised.

Now normally I’d be the first muthafucker to hit the door but I found myself strangely drawn to sticking around just to see what kind of shit the Doo Dads were putting down.

And oddly I found myself digging the Doo Dads vibe.

From what I was told, the Doo Dads are made up of cats from local rock bands that just happened to have kids, who wanted to play shit that their little crumb snatchers could enjoy. So thus the Doo Dads were born.

And I think it’s a great idea if you were to ask me.

First off there had to be at least a hundred little kids there with their parents, all rocking out to the Doo Dads, whilst knocking back the Mac & cheese and hot dogs.

There’s nothing that warms the cockles of my heart more then watching some old bar dog pay for his past vices by getting swarmed by his trio of grape juice amped little girls. And all he can do is sit there and smile while being climbed over and under.

Fuck, even I felt a bit of a paternal twinge and couldn’t help but feel the urge to run outside and knock someone up.

But of course I was scared to move since there was a literal sea of three-foot high people in front of me.

And let me tell you what, when you have over a hundred mothers and their little kids dancing and swinging and doing their own thing, even looking at em wrong will get you the stink-eye.

But I did enjoy myself especially when the Doo Dads broke into the “Let’s Potty” song and "Balls".

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

moonwalking whales

2007-08-27T08:36:00.001-05:00

After a busy week of hugging trees, what better way for you and your friends to unwind then to hop aboard a boat to observe the mighty whale in their natural habitat.

You’re smelling the salty sea air and the mist from the waves are creating rainbows as you and all the other passengers start exclaiming and pointing as a whale rises to the surface spraying water from its blowhole.

You’re as giddy and excited as a little schoolgirl as you and all the other passengers watch the huge whales frolic hither and yon in the great ocean expanse. Leaning against the ship’s railing is a little girl who is heard to exclaim, “look mommy, the whale’s moon walking”.

You look up in time to see one of the whales swimming backwards thru the water. “The fuck?”

By now the railing is crowded with people who are screaming and shouting at this larger ship that has appeared just a few hundred yards away.

The reason the whale seems to be swimming backwards is because the larger vessel is a Japanese whaler that has just harpooned it and is dragging that muthafucker in. All this happened Friday morning off the coast of Hokkaido's Shiretoko Peninsula in Japan.

From what my many inside sources tell me, there were at least three whale-watching boats full of “eco-tourists” who were out for a morning of whale watching. That is until a whaler showed up and started harpooning whales like they were going out of style.

From what I can gather, muthafuckers were crying and screaming and just losing their minds as the whaler did its thing hauling in the whale.

The forty-six-year-old captain of one of the passenger vessels was disappointed by the incident. "It's my job to show people whales and it's the whalers' job to catch them, but I wonder how this can be avoided.”

Well sunshine, it can be avoided by somebody learning how to schedule their shit so that whale-watchers and whale hunters aren’t in the same area together.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

2007-08-24T09:12:00.001-05:00

Growing up back in the day, my father had a saying that he usually punctuated with his finger punching a hole in my forehead.

“Assumption is the king of all muthafuckers”

Meaning that you should never take anything for granted because the minute you do, it’s gonna fuck you in the ass. Yeah, fuck you in the ass without the courtesy of a reach-around.

So with that being said here’s a couple of stories about folks who methinks assumed too much and thus learned a valuable lesson.

Some Boris living in Moscow had divorced his wife but for three years due to the stupidly high rent, they were both forced to share a small apartment together.

I don’t know if it was because of the enforced co-habitation or because someone just had enough of somebody’s shit, but things came to a boil.

As the ex-husband sat on the couch buck assed nekked, fluffing the short hairs whilst drinking vodka and watching TV one night, the ex-wife walked up and asked for a swig off the bottle.

But instead of taking a drink she poured the potent vodka on his exposed Cossack and the twins and set that muthafucker on fire and Boris’s shit went up like a fuckin blowtorch.

Kind of takes the lyrics, “come on baby, light my fire” to a new level huh?

Later in the hospital the burnt the fuck up stupid ex-husband told local news that it was monstrously painful. “I was burning like a torch”.

Yeah and when asked if he would make a full recovery, a police spokeswoman said with a straight face, that it was difficult to predict.

And in Arizona about a month ago this cat filed for divorce from his wife. And Tuesday he had her meet him at the house they both owned because it was being appraised for sale.

After the appraiser left the husband pulled out the divorce papers for his wife to sign.

She started crying and shit so the husband gave her a hug to comfort her and one thing led to another and before you know it, they were having a pity fuck on the kitchen floor.

According to my many inside sources, she was riding this muthafucker like an eight-second bull, when she reached over to her bag and after pulling a knife, stabbed ole hornboy in his chest.

In just a matter of seconds, he goes from sticking his ex with the big six-incher to getting six inches stuck in his chest.

The chick then pulled the knife from his chest and told him that she was sorry.

He ends up running his stupid nekked stabbed ass over to the neighbors where the police got called. The ex-wife was found later just a few miles from where the stabbing happened and is now facing assault charges.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

blast from the past.............missing Cat

2007-08-23T08:03:00.000-05:00

I’m sad; I think I miss my cat. Oh and yeah, Cat was what I named him.

Whenever I hear the Counting Crows song “Long December” I can’t help thinking of all the good times me and Cat had together.

We had the strangest relationship I think. We were together over twelve years you know. When I first got Cat he was so small that he used to sleep in my hand at night.

As he was growing up one of our favorite games was called “slide the kitty”.

That’s when I’d grab him and roll em into a ball and slide his ass clear to the other end of the apartment like a hockey puck.

It was so funny, he’d bounce into the far wall and come running back to me and we’d do it all over again.

Then there was the day I saved Cat's life.

I woke up one summer morning and felt this trashing around at the end of the bed. Cat had bitten into the air-conditioner power cord just hard enough to get a shock. I actually had to kick him loose. He never was right after that.

After six months or so I took him to the vet to get denutted. Poor muthafucker, the car trip terrified his ass something bad. And when I got him home till the day he left me Cat never let me out of his sight.

Even after I started locking him out of my bedroom at night I could see his paws sticking out from under the bedroom door. But I had to start locking him out; ever since I got him fixed he wouldn’t stop staring at me.

And since I sleep butt nekked I didn’t want him seeking revenge on my ball-sac whilst I slept at night. He’d do it too you know.

But we loved sitting on the couch watching TV.

I’d yak at him and he’d just lie there content as all hell. You knew I had it bad when before I’d go out I’d spend at least fifteen minutes picking out something on the TV for Cat to watch while I was gone.

We even made the weird section of the newspaper one year. This reporter found out about this trick we had. It was so weird that I had to show to the guy before he would believe it.

Back then I was out of town a lot for the Man and what I’d do was to call my phone from any phone I was at. I’d get my answering machine and I’d leave a message for Cat.

As soon as I hung up my government phone it’ll start ringing and I’d pick it up. On the other end would be Cat meowing his ass off. The best that we could figure what happened was this.

Whenever I’d call my machine Cat would freak as soon as he heard my voice and go jumping all over it.

For some reason on that particular machine if you hit the speaker button it would somehow call back the last number it received.

Thus I would get a call from Cat sayin “hey muthafucker, come home”! Hey, it got us in the fuckin paper.

Cat’s been gone for what, seven or eight years? I want another cat but I’m not sure if I want to go thru that heartache all over again.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Bush lands in Kansas City

2007-08-22T14:16:00.001-05:00

Did anyone else notice how just plain odd this muthafucker is?

When Bush’s plane landed in Kansas City last night for his speech today in front of the VFW convention, every local news service had cameras waiting.

I thought for sure he was gonna pull a Gerald Ford and fall cause he actually galloped down the stairs of Air Force One. What the fuck was up with that?

I don’t want to see our president galloping down stairs; I want to see him walk down like the fuckin leader that he is. Not looking like some Elmer Fudd muthafucker.

Watching him interact with people was just odd.

At one point I think he actually slapped five with this one chick. It was like he was trying to show how down to earth and homey he was and shit and all he came off looking like was some goofy little bastard.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

The love story of Ralph and Edna

2007-08-22T07:33:00.000-05:00

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him... I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied... "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry."

"How soon can I go home?"

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Animal hijinks

2007-08-20T09:16:00.000-05:00

Just want to relate a couple of stories in the mainstream news that caught my attention this morning.

The first one comes from Belgrade over in Serbia where they had their annual beer festival. Every year the Belgrade Beer Festival takes place at the foot of the city's Kalemegdan fortress.

From what I hear, you can drink assloads of beer for stupidly low prices and I guess it’s just one big ass drunken party.

Well, according to my many inside sources, some unlucky Serb got himself eaten the fuck up by a bear during the beer festival.

From what I understand and if you live in Belgrade please feel free to correct me. The Belgrade Zoo isn’t too far from where they were having the big beer fest?

And it seems that this cat got so fucked up at the beer fest that he ended up the city zoo and crawled his ass into same cage where a couple of grown assed bears were hanging out. Yeah and odd as it sounds, not only was the cat found half eaten and shit, but he was also buck assed nekked.

Now I don’t know about the bears over in Serbia, but I’m pretty damn sure that the bears around here aren’t in the habit of undressing a muthafucker before they eat his ass.

And I do believe that you might have hit your shit-face limit when you start thinking that you’re fuckin Thongor of the fuckin wild and go looking for bears to wrestle nekked and shit.

Also according to my many inside sources, the local police are looking for witness since besides one half-eaten Serb and his clothes, they found several cell-phones and beer cans and other shit in the cage.

Looks like when party boy crawled his drunk ass into the cage and got nekked, some of his friends tried to break up snack time.

And in a related note, from over in Australia it seems that a woman in her sixties was killed by her pet camel after the animal may have tried to have sex with her.

She got the camel as a gift and it hung out on her family’s ranch where they raised sheep and cattle amongst other shit.

The camel which shall go unnamed since it’s still a minor weighed almost four-hundred pounds even though it was only ten months old.

According to all that knew her, she considered the camel a pet and treated it as such.

Well this past Saturday the woman was hanging out with her pet camel when it laired it up, knocking her to the ground and for lack of a better term, “humped her to death”.

According to the local police, after knocking her to the ground the camel laid on top of the woman and proceeded to hump the poor woman like he had his wobbly boot on.

Or as one witness described it, the camel after jumping on back started having a naughty and began plowing that ass like he had John Deer stamped on his back. Hmmm, better then being eaten by a bear I suppose.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

2007-08-17T08:41:00.000-05:00

You might remember how just recently a playground in Huston caught fire and burnt the fuck up?

Another playground set on fire and burning so what’s the big deal right?

Well what makes this fire so remarkable is that it was the result of spontaneous combustion. See the playground was covered with a thick layer of wood chips laid down so as to cushion the bed-wetters if they fell off the jungle Jims or slides and shit.

Now that area had some heavy rains which soaked the wood chips which in the stifling summer heat began to decompose. Which as you all know from working out in the yard, turned the playground into your basic big stinking internal heat generating compost pile.

So much internal heat from the decomposing wood was generated that after enough time the muthafucker just lit the fuck up.

As a matter of fact that particular playground had a security camera on it so the whole shitting thing was documented.

Good thing there wasn’t any kids playing on that muthafucker when it decided to fire it up because there would’a been lawsuits for days.

Which brings me to this thought. Couldn’t you imagine all the conversations and deep thinking in the trailer parks this caused?

“Honey, did you see that here report on the TV about that playground up yonder catching afire?

“Sure did sugar. Hey have I said how hot you look in that red, white, & blue spangled tube top I got you at Wal-Mart?”

“Why thank you honey, and these pink spandex shorts shore seem to compliment it”.

For the next few minutes all you hear is the sound of PBR’s being popped open.

“Hey you kids, why don’t y’all all go down to the playground and find something to do?

Hey little Mordechai Jr? Why don’t you take mama’s Marlboros and matches along with you?”

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

ha ha

2007-08-16T09:05:00.000-05:00

With the exception of a few variations I take the same path to and from work every day. So I’m fully aware that on the ride home if I go down Ward Parkway, sure as shit there’s gonna be a speed trap or two.

So as a result of this knowledge I’ll keep it within a few miles of the speed limit. But I’m usually the exception since I’m always getting passed. As a rule I have a habit of scanning the road two to three blocks ahead.

I’m doing this yesterday just as this asshole muthafucker in a new mustang blew around me. Just as he whipped around me I saw the faint figure of someone standing by the road a couple of blocks ahead.

I’m thinking, “get that muthafucker, get that muthafucker”.

And sure as shit the faint figure turned out to be a cop standing on the side of the road with a radar gun. The new mustang got pulled the fuck over.

Its times like this that I wish my car had a built in laugh track and a loud speaker.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Michael Vick, sued!

2007-08-15T08:12:00.001-05:00

I ain’t no fuckin expert but when muthafuckers in prison start fuckin with you, you just might as well give in to the fact that you’re some kind of special asshole.

As in the case of Michael Vick who’s being sued to the tune of sixty-three billion dollars.

Now I’m not going to get into all the details on Vick since if you’re smart enough to be on the internet, you’re more then likely aware of all the bullshit he’s gotten himself into.

Not only has he turned into one of the most hated men in America and is facing an ass load of federal charges. And not counting that his boys rolled over on him faster then a crackhead at a free buffet, but now he’s being sued.

According to my many inside sources, some inmate at the Williamsburg Federal Correctional facility in South Carolina has filed a hand written lawsuit against Michael Vick for sixty-three billion dollars.

The lawsuit states that Michael Vick stole two mixed breed pit bulls from this cat and after damaging the RFID chips in the dog collars then turned around and sold em on EBay.

Along with stealing the dogs, his other claims are as follows.

• Used the proceeds from the sale of the two dogs to purchase ground to air missiles from the Iran government.

• Vick also stole his identity and used it to open accounts at Petsmart and Doggie Warehouse to buy food for Vick’s illegal dog fighting operation.

• Broke numerous copy write laws pertaining to the name Jonathan Lee Riches especially by stealing the name “Mr. Bitches” and putting it on mugs and hats.
(Jonathan Lee Riches is the cat putting out the lawsuit)

• Michael Vick has pledged allegiance to Al Qaeda.

• Michael Vick subjected me to microwave testing.

• Michael Vick has used drugs in school zones.

• Michael Vick has more then likely fondled young boys.

Jonathan Lee Riches wants the sixty-three billion dollars “backed by gold and silver “ delivered to the front gates of the prison along with the promise that Michael Vick will stop hurting his feelings and dashing his hopes.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Mr. Giggles kicks ass

2007-08-14T17:52:00.000-05:00

Who knew that there’s such a thing as Coulrophobia, which is an abnormal or exaggerated fear of clowns. I found this clip on you-tube and it’s a tad long but watching the chick freak out over clowns is interesting if just fuckin odd.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

fucked up toys

2007-08-13T13:14:00.000-05:00

I think that American CEO’s are missing the boat.

When they fuck up and the companies they lord over go down in flames they usually walk away with fat bonuses. Or at the worse they get some jail time in a light duty federal pen even though they fucked over thousands of people.

What I’m saying is that they get off real fuckin easy if you gave a shit enough to ask me.

But if you’re a CEO type over in Asia and you fuck up, it’s more then likely that you end up shot or you kill yourself.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"