My solo writing and speaking efforts are coming to a close in 2011. The only way I could possibly keep them going would be to burn the blow torch at both ends. (Been there, done that, paid the therapist.)

Instead, my ministry focus will be in partnership with Fawn Brents. Together, we present a free women’s retreat called Keep a Smile On Your Faith™. It’s a high-impact retreat with creative distinctives from traditional women’s events, and can be done in a one-, two- or three-day format. There is no charge to hosting organizations, and no charge to attendees. Learn more.

Still, it’s cool that my final solo speaking event is with Ravi Zacharias. I’ll be speaking at two breakout sessions for women during which I’ll inspire them toward lighter hearts and deeper faith. To get specifics, follow me on Twitter, friend me on Facebook or subscribe to my blog.

And don’t forget to check out the free women’s retreat at www.debiandfawn.com. Fawn and I would love to bring a fresh infusion of truth to the women of your church and community with Keep a Smile On Your Faith™. We’re on Twitter and Facebook, too.

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1. I drank expired egg nog, which not only impaired my vision but (if you like fermented dairy products) isn’t half bad. Still, that doesn’t explain why the fire looks blurry to you as well…or does it?

2. At the precise moment that I “clicked,” a slight tremor in the earth’s core vibrated under my feet. Or maybe it was my humongous teenage son getting out of bed before 4 p.m.

3. The fire wouldn’t hold still.

Before revealing the correct answer, let me share the wonderful background to this image of fire: It’s in our den. The wonderful thing is, it’s confined to the fireplace.

And the correct answer is: None of the above. The culprit is the annoying shutter delay of the camera feature on my smart phone.

See? Just goes to show that the answers to life’s questions are seldom listed as multiple choice.

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Now there’s a bold claim.

I heard someone say this recently, and he truly meant it. After hearing what he based it on, I’ve decided to  state the claim too: “I will never die.”

In John 11 of the New Testament, two sisters (Mary and Martha) sent to word to Jesus: “Come quickly; our brother Lazarus is sick.” Rather than rushing to His friend’s side, Jesus waited two days before setting His sandals on the road to Bethany. When He finally arrived, Lazarus not only had died, but had lain four days in a tomb –– as silent and still as the stone that sealed it.

Martha rushed to meet Jesus and, as always, spoke her mind –- basically, “It’s Your fault he’s dead.” Being a bit wiser from a previous encounter with Him, Martha also tossed Him a bone: “But I know God will grant anything You ask for.”

They exchange a few more words, then Jesus says the most amazing thing to her:

"I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in Me will never die.”

Martha quickly agrees with Him while simultaneously missing what He said! Did you miss it too? Look again at His words:

“…whoever lives and believes in Me will never die.”

Never die? Never? NEVER? As in, not even once for a brief moment?

That’s a hard thing for our human minds to grasp. When someone dies, the body doesn’t vaporize into nothing. It stays behind. We see it. We weep over it. We may smooth back the hair one last time, or give that familiar hand a final caress. What we see no longer lives, and so to us that person has died.

And indeed death has come –- but only to the body! The person is still alive! He or she has not ceased living, but simply shed the body that’s no longer needed in order to continue living someplace else.

Pondering where that “someplace else” will be is, hands down, the most important issue ever.

And, as Jesus said, there’s a specific window of opportunity during which that issue must be settled: “…whoever lives and believes in Me will never die.” There are no do-overs in the afterlife. No grace after death to say, “Oh…now I understand! Seeing Jesus with my own eyes like this, I finally get it: He’s real. I’ve changed my mind, and now I believe.”

Do you believe? Take the God test.

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“Folly” means foolishness. Daftness. Dottiness. Doofusness. In other words, “Couldn’t pour water out of a boot if instructions were written on the heel.”

The opposite of “folly” is “wisdom,” and we all know what wisdom means, right? It means agreeing with me. (Hey! Who just chucked a wet boot at my head?)

In Proverbs 9, Folly beckons from a door…and so does Wisdom. You can read that short excerpt in side-by-side translations here. In my head, I imagine Cate Blanchett reading the left side, and the guy from the Old Spice commercials reading the right side. Or Billy Dee Williams if the Old Spice guy can’t tear himself away from his mirror.

Wisdom speaks first (imagine the voice of Cate): “Let all who are simple come to my house…. Leave your simple ways and you will live; walk in the way of insight.”

Folly then pipes up (imagine the voice of Billy Dee): "Are you confused about life, don’t know what’s going on? Steal off with me, I’ll show you a good time! No one will ever know—I’ll give you the time of your life."

The steps to Folly’s door are baited with quick fixes, easy indulgences and endorsements from fools. “Some losers say that racing a car on a narrow, curvy road at night with the lights off is dangerous, but Sparky said it’s fun. Let’s go!”

The steps to Wisdom’s door are actually just one: fearing God. The exact wording is, “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom.”

Not fearing as in “let’s-cower-in-the-corner-and-hope-He-never-ever-sees-us”, but fearing as in “He’s-so-mind-blowingly-awesome-and-powerful-that-I-believe-He-means-every-word-He-says-and-will-back-it-up-in-fearsome-ways.”

Recap: Folly is fun…for a while. But like a trendy tattoo, it becomes something to regret and its consequences are difficult to get rid of.

Wisdom may not be fun initially…but it leads to stability, blessing and success. Also fewer tattoos.

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Family Feud is weekday game show that’s been televised for 30 years.

That’s roughly 6,000 weekday shows during which “100 people were surveyed and the top five answers are on the board.”

My question is this: How could Family Feud possibly have conducted tens of thousands of surveys over three decades and never once included me?

Telemarketers call me. Spammers email me. High school classmates track me down on Facebook. And yet, in all these years, Family Feud hasn’t sent me so much as a postcard. What gives? I mean, have you ever been of their “100 people surveyed”? Do you know anyone –- or have you even heard of anyone who has? Let me be generous: Have you heard of anyone who heard of someone who might have a slight recollection that someone else may have heard of someone who has?

Perhaps the show only surveys people in California. Or in Hollywood. Or who happen to be walking by their studios on Sunset Boulevard.

“Hey! You there! Yeah, you pushing the three-wheeled shopping cart loaded with trash bags! What’s something besides syrup that people put on their pancakes?”

That’s how whack answers like “sardines” appear on the show, leaving the audience at home scratching their heads and the actual contestants trying not to cry on national TV.

So, Family Feud. I’m tired of being slighted by your mega-corporate-shun-the-average-person-so-called-surveys-of-one-hundred-people. (Also, your Web site is lame.)

To illustrate my point, I have sacrificed precious time when I could’ve been playing Tetris to create irrefutable proof that your “100 people surveyed” claim is bogus. Below is a sample, followed by the first five answers that came to my mind:

Name something a teenager would do to deserve being grounded.

1. Drink alcohol
2. Break curfew
3. Skip school
4. Misuse cell phone
5. Sass/be disrespectful

Feud Dudes, take note. The answers above what are we in the real world like to call “common sense responses,” whereas your mysterious “100 people surveyed” probably would have answered the same question like this:

1. Cantaloupe
2. Australia
3. “Ice, Ice Baby”
4. Kathie Lee Gifford
5. Blue

If you have nothing to hide, why not produce these alleged “100 people surveyed”? Why not list their names in the show’s closing credits? Why not let America, nay, the world, see these supposed survey savants?

I’ll tell you why, and the top five answers are in your face:

Name a reason why Family Feud won’t reveal the identities of the alleged “100 people surveyed.”

1. Because they don’t exist.
2. Because they do exist, but not on this planet.
3. Because they are actually a powerful cartel of sock smugglers.
4. Because they are actually a powerless cartel of sock puppets.
5. Because they all signed confidentiality agreements that are on file with the show’s impressive legal department which, I happen to know from personal experience, has no sense of humor whatsoever.

Mentoring is a hot topic among women today. Ranking as a higher priority than “yard art,”  it tied with “comfortable footwear” in importance. Not surprisingly, though, it couldn’t unseat the survey’s longtime, #1 priority for women: “mandatory chocolate.”

Note: Survey results are as valid as the survey itself which I make up as I go.

Women seem to have an innate desire to be linked to older women in meaningful ways. With the miles between female relatives ever widening, younger women are seeking connections to mentors in their own communities. Who else can guide us through the bumpy road ahead? Who else can share the wisdom of her years? Who else can get us hooked up with a fake senior citizen I.D. to access all those lovely discounts?

If you’re seeking an older woman to mentor you, use caution. Just because a woman is older than you doesn’t mean she’s worth emulating. Check out the photos above. “Mildred” looks scary. But is she really? Maybe this otherwise sweet, sane woman was just being silly for the camera and had no idea this photo would end up on the Internet (especially because the only ‘net she knew was a hair net). Then there’s “Pat.” She looks like the everybody’s favorite neighbor lady. But is she? And why are her window shades always drawn? Is she hiding something or merely cutting her utility bills?

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…
Chances are that both “Mildred” and “Pat” are very nice women with much to share. But before becoming a mentee (as opposed to a manatee, which is the male version of a mentee) to either one, watch and wait from a distance… but not so far that you need binoculars, or from an angle that requires standing in the bushes. Those are really hard to explain in a police report. Instead, just casually observe the potential mentor’s character with this handy checklist:

1. Is she moody or even tempered?
2. Is she a complainer or someone who always sees the bright side?
3. How does she treat the people around her?
4. How does she speak of the people who aren’t around her?
5. Do others of good reputation respect and trust her?

Remember: There’s no perfect mentor out there. And a woman who’s qualified to mentor you in one area may be a lost cause in another. Don’t expect one mentor to be your answer for everything! Having a series of mentors across a variety of disciplines throughout your life is a more realistic (and attainable) expectation.

Finally, determine in your mind what your “deal breaker” is. For example, if your mentoring candidate has a prison record, that might be a deal breaker. Unless she also is the mogul of her own media empire and you sense a need for more “not good enough” messages in your life. In that the case, click here.

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“Ghhuu… uuullll…. zghzghzgh… awrrll!”

Translation: “Mom, all the bad words you thought I said are now washed out of my mouth, so would you kindly extract the soap from my back molars and let the rinsing commence?”

Ah, good times.

Even now, all my senses echo the carefree game Mom and I played in my childhood. I pretended that she had bad hearing and unlimited patience. She pretended that I would stop being a potty mouth after receiving The Look of Total Disgust, The Pointing Finger of Doom and The Tone of No Turning Back. I recall my mother’s warm embrace (a headlock), the soothing trickle of a mountain stream (the gushing bathroom faucet) and…and… well, there’s no other way to say it: the taste of Ivory soap.

Today, those who know me well will attest that I dislike profanity. But those who know me best (my family), know that I slipped up recently.

I had reached my limit with various burdens and in the course of venting to my loved ones, said a four-letter word. It felt so good, that I said it again later that day, and a couple of times the next day. Wow! Not only did it perfectly summarize the emotion of the moment, but it guaranteed my family’s undivided attention.

Then it hit me.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
         Be acceptable in Your sight,
         O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer. (Psalm 19:14)

I needed more than just my mouth washed out with soap -– I needed my heart washed out too. Why? Even though I said the word a few times, I had thought it more. It would spring into my mind like an annoying pop-up ad before I squelched it again and again and again. Statistically, I suppose verbalizing it someday was inevitable. What hurt me the most, though, was the realization that God -– to whom our every word, thought and act is bared under His holy scrutiny –- heard it every time I didn’t say it.

So I am grateful for three things: 1) my family forgave me; 2) my God forgave me; 3) my mom and her stash of Ivory soap are out of earshot.

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KICKIN’ IT IN FIRST KINGS by Debi Stack
Series, Part 1
1 Kings 1:1-4

This is isn’t a formal Bible study; just my notes as I read and look up stuff about the text. Because it’s a blog, it will morph along the way. That’s part of the fun!

Some links are solid proof; some are merely of interest.

Finally, in case this is all new to you, First Kings is the record of Israel’s royalty beginning with David’s son, Solomon, by Bathsheba –- she of the rooftop bathtub!

¹Now King David was old, advanced in age; and they covered him with clothes, but he could not keep warm.

• David’s fighting days took a toll on his body. Only 70 years old, this guy who whacked the foreskins off 200 Philistines can’t even generate body heat by himself.
• This struck me as funny: The Hebrew word for covered in this case is kaw-saw’ (H3680*) and means “to plump, fill up hollows, cover, conceal, hide, overwhelm.” I can just picture this wizened figure shivering under about 3’ of blankets, cloaks and furs, moaning through his gums, “I’m still cold…I’m still cold…I’m still cold….” His servants are rolling their eyes and piling on more stuff: “Are you warm enough now? Now? How about now?”

²So his servants said to him, "Let them seek a young virgin for my lord the king, and let her attend the king and become his nurse; and let her lie in your bosom, that my lord the king may keep warm."

³So they searched for a beautiful girl throughout all the territory of Israel, and found Abishag the Shunammite, and brought her to the king.

⁴The girl was very beautiful; and she became the king’s nurse and served him, but the king did not cohabit with her.

• My 16-year-old son Andrew thinks the name Abishag is hilarious. He also said when he’s old, he will demand that a maiden be found to keep him warm. “You think that will actually happen?” I asked. He replied, “If anyone gives me flak, I’ll just say, ‘I refer you to First Kings.’”
• Abishag was more than cute or pretty. The original language tells us she was exceedingly, abundantly, forcefully beautiful (H3966).
• Abishag actually means “the father wanders.” So…was her dad a nomad? Or a Romeo? Can’t tell. Her village — Shumen (“uneven”) –- is also the site where a woman and her husband and son encountered the prophet Elisha.
• Shumen was a border town of Isaachar, a territory just southwest of the Sea of Chinnereth (which, in New Testament times, was called the Sea of Galilee). This territory is about 45 miles north of Jerusalem, where David is.
• Without the use of text messaging or access to Facebook, the call went out to find a lovely damsel for the king. How long would it take for word to spread 45 miles? And how long for someone to travel around and personally choose the winning candidate? And how much longer for that someone to convince his wife to let him go in the first place? “Chiba, how many times must I tell you? Looking at beautiful women is part of my job! And it’s not like I’m going to keep one for myself. You are more than enough woman for me… No! Oh, Chiba, stop with the crying! I did not just say you’re fat.”
• Now, Isaachar was one of the 12 sons of Jacob (the guy who stole his brother’s blessing, wrestled with God and received a name change to “Israel”). Each of his 12 sons was the head of a tribe, hence “the 12 tribes of Israel.” Each son was also granted territory in the Promised Land of Israel, and his territory bore his name. So, Isaachar is both a person and a territory.
• Issachar reminds me of NASCAR, but I don’t think they’re related.
• Isaachar means “there is a reward.” Links of interest are here, here, here and here.
• Props to Abishag, big time. This gorgeous maiden leaves behind her life (and perhaps her true love?) to be a human Bed Buddy for an old guy. Granted, the old guy IS the  king, and David had rock-star status as a lover and warrior in his time. But now? Not so much.
• For one thing, the Hebrew word saying David was old has the idea of “the chin hanging down” (H2204). Did they have mouthwash in those days?
• Also, this healthy young woman has to stay in bed. Possibly in a closed-up room with a roaring fire year ’round. Under tons of covers. With an old man. Who may also be gassy.

So there you have it. A peek into my marginal notes and random musings on the opening verses of First Kings. Let me know if you want more!

*Hebrew words are keyed to Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance. “H” before a number means Hebrew, the original language of the Old Testament. “G” before a number means Greek, the original language of the New Testament.

Clip this out and stick it in your Bible. You'll still be lost, but you won't care as much.

Are you a newb when it comes to navigating your way through a Bible?

A sure sign that you’re not “church folk” is the inability to find Scripture passages in a church service. While everyone around you is flipping confidently from Leviticus to Lamentations in their well-used personal Bibles, what are you doing?

1. Sitting motionless with a fake expression that says, “I have the whole thing memorized, so I don’t have to look it up like you chumps.”
2. Gamely flipping through the hymnal so at least you’re making the same page-turning sounds as everyone else.
3. Reading this blog on your smart phone in church and thinking, “Get to it, woman! Time’s a-wastin’!”  (It’s a proven fact that people who love techno-gadgets are also fond of homey, backwoods colloquialisms. And catfish.)

You’re completely clueless about where the books are
So you go to the Bible’s first page, expecting to find a simple table of contents. Instead, you may find pages of information about the translation process, the biographies of 89 editors with pictures of their pets, how to interpret asterisks, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, the preacher and the smug Bible nerds around you have flipped to a dozen different passages.

Don’t panic. Most Bibles have not just one, but two tables of contents. One will show the books in the Bible in actual order: Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, etc.  The other will show the books in alphabetical order: Acts, Amos, 1 Chronicles, 2 Chronicles, etc. If you’re a newb, that’s the one you want.

Other methods

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Newsflash: The Old Testament is EPIC!

I’ve been studying the book of 1 Kings for a couple of months now, and WOW! It’s not a book I would have chosen to study, but I’m rewarded every day. (Read how I ended up there.)

As I’ve shared with others some of the stuff I’m learning, they’ve asked for my notes.

“Uh…,” I reply. “I can’t give them to you because they’re in my Bible.” (See the pic?)

“Then can I have your Bible when you die?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“But I want it.”

“NO!”

In the spirit of self-preservation, I’m going to watch my back and my Bible when this person is near. Also, I’m going to share some of my notes on 1 Kings in this blog.

How I study
Most days I dig into Scripture for 1-3 hours. I don’t cover a lot of ground, but I do go deep. For example, when I read a verse with someone’s name, I want to know what that name means. In the course of looking that up, I may find interesting family background or the mention of a couple cities. So I look those up.

Meanwhile, a week may pass between the time when I began studying the original verse and when I finally return to it. But, oh! The cool stuff I discovered along the way is worth it. That kind of patience would probably make me a great archaeologist, except I would demand that every dig I worked be enclosed in climate-controlled comfort.

But back to studying. I like to be thorough, but I also like to be fast. That’s why I use online tools for research and study. My primary study site is BlueLetterBible.org, but there are many others I use as well. Hint: When studying online, avoid checking email and Facebook or you may never get back to your study!

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