Deborah's Random Rantings

Midnight in Paris Intro Scene

2013-04-12T11:14:00.001-07:00

my city

Peaks and Valleys

2012-08-13T14:20:00.000-07:00

Reading my posts that I wrote over the years and...wow...I go from one extreme to the other. In some posts I complain about not working and in others...to be continued

Advice from dad

2012-08-10T14:11:00.000-07:00

My Dear Daughter I think instead of going directly into employment in such a trying job as nursing you would be better off volunteering to help people in an area in which you are interested. This would allow you to help when you feel up to it but you wouldn't be tied into a shift. If you find an area that you would really like to volunteer in this could possibly build you up to the point where you could work part time. If you really get into it who knows in the long run you might want to work at it fulltime. Start on the shallow end of the pool before you dive off the high board into deep water. This whole process might take years but it would be better than not starting at all. Love Dad

In Search of Self

2012-08-08T22:56:00.000-07:00

Since my last therapy session, I was asked "what could Deborah do to take care of herself?"

There was a long silence because no one had ever asked me nor had I ever given any thought to it. Honestly, it's easier for me to care for others than myself...a trait most nurses often say.

So I sat with that question floating over my head wondering, what could I do to take care of myself. Then came the suggestion I hate the most---"go back to work"

It was then that I realized Jane had no clue what state I was in and how my brain was complete mush. Sure I could handle day to day life, but to actually apply my nursing skills, prioritize, keep patients, Maya, and Miguel in check is overwhelming not to mention exhausting.

Many believe that Fibromyalgia is not a real medical condition and I hope in time people will be more accepting of this autoimmune disease. Not only am I exhausted regardless of vitamin supplements, exercise, acupuncture, etc I do not feel like my old self....mentally and physically.

I was then asked "what is you goal in life?" "what is your dream"

I don't know, it seemed much easier to answer those questions when I was a child because I was so innocent to the world's evil ways. Personally, I feel complacent as my husband also said as to his current state of mind.

Is complacency such an awful crime? I see other people and how ambitious they are, and cannot help but envy their motivation to go 110% at whatever they are doing. Even the employees behind the Starbucks counters seem happier than I.

First of all, I'm not depressed, I am sad, This may sound as an exaggeration to those of you who lead a fairly average life, have healthy coping mechanisms, and have a normal brain, but for those of us who are "a bit off" this is not the case,

At the present time, I have lost much of my vocabulary and my head is all over the place,,,,reason being why I jump from one subject to the next. I feel if I continue to practice and exercise my brain, the creative juices will flow back and I can once again resume a sense of normalcy.

Tropic of Celso

2012-08-01T11:38:00.000-07:00

written by Celso

Things Left Unsaid

2012-08-01T11:33:00.001-07:00

Yesterday afternoon, I sat in bed rather frustrated by a therapy session I had just returned from less than an hour ago. Erin was my therapist prior to Jane and she always made me bring up all sorts of crap that I thought was resolved, which of course was merely buried in my subconscious. Needless to say, without fail I'd leave Erin's sobbing.

Jane's different, our conversations flow, she's my paid friend who gives me a whole 45 minutes of undivided attention. To tell you the truth I like it this way because shooting the shit with Jane is easy and I always leave her Beverly Hills office with a laugh instead of crying.

One of my "assignments" when therapy first began was to write a letter to my cousin in law ,Celso, who died on May 9th. Six weeks later, yesterday, I finally had the motivation to pick up a pen and write him. All the while I played his music and had his videos from youtube playing on my computer.

When I looked up, several hours had passed and I was amazed that 10 pages later I was done. I walked to the kitchen and read the letter aloud to the picture of him on our refrigerator. Desperately I searched for matches and ironically found a pack from The Ivy which is a place Celso would never would have frequented due to it's pretentious customers. I walked over to the kitchen sink and burnt the letter while praying and waving the smoke out of the window.

This may sound insane but I heard from several spiritualist that if you write a letter to the deceased they will receive it in their new world. I desperately hoped my letter reached him as the smoke exited the window, and that Celso was reading each word as it was released into the air.

Once the letter was reduced to ashes, as all our bodies will be one day, I gathered as much as I could and threw them. The rest were were drained in the kitchen sink and I felt a tremendous release.

Since Celso's memorial, which I did not attend due to my depression that I was already trying to muddle through, Miguel had given me 2 bracelets that were blessed with his ashes. It wasn't until yesterday that I was able to wear one of the bracelets I had taped to the shelf above my writing desk. However, the other bracelet was missing. As early as Saturday, I had seen both bracelets taped above my desk and now one of them was gone. Did it fall? Who knows.

While the letter was burning, my phone rang an odd number 310-000-0000, stopped, then called twice at two separate times. Coincidence? Once again, who knows.

What I do know is that Celso's brilliant strength (his shine) to appear happy despite his desperate depression which eventually contributed to his death will forever remain with me. As a Bipolar II/ Manic Depressive (whatever you wish to call it), I greatly admire the effort he put forth to deal with his demons and I appreciate his music which allowed him to channel his creativity. What I find most amazing was the energy he emulated and how he maintained a happy demeanor despite whatever private hell he was experiencing. Even after he died, he allowed those of us in the room with him to see his infectious smile, something I have never experienced with anyone postmortem.

May he rest in peace and finally released from his unbearable struggles. May the Lord, our God cradle him and allow him to find eternal happiness.

prozac nation therapy and friendship scence.

2012-01-22T21:52:00.000-08:00

Pain

2012-01-06T08:56:00.000-08:00

One thing I learned in nursing school is that pain is subjective and to always treat pain seriously. However, throughout my brief nursing career I grew to be skeptical of patients and often labeled them as med seeking, which of course many were, but all were not.
Now I find myself paying for these thoughts due to karma. As I am laying in bed with 2 capsaicin patches, heating pad, oxycodone, and naproxen in my system I am literally feeling my previous patients pain.
How can this be? At 38 yrs old I look at my many medications and I am reminded of my grandfather and how he was the only one I could call during these difficult times because he understood, he was experiencing what I am, he never judged nor told me it was all in my head. Next Friday will mark the 3rd year of his passing and his absence is felt more and more as time goes by.
Time does not heal wounds, at least not when it comes to losing a loved one who has died. I fondly remember my grandmothers, grandpa, and friends everyday. I dont dwell on my grief, but rather I think of them when things are most trying...such as now.
Lately I've been stumbling though the daily motions of life. Were it not for my daughter,I'm not sure I could accomplish half of what I do...which isn't saying much.
I'm depressed. There, I said it. I wrote what no one wants to hear. Having to disguise my physical and mental pain is exhausting. I've been in therapy enough to know the psycho mumbo jumbo any licensed therapist psychiatrist/therapist would say in response.
Yes I know I am lucky and count my blessings everyday, and I know I need to keep busy. However, unlike before I never suffered from such excruciating pain that is at debilitating at times.

Unachieved 2011 New Year's goal

2012-01-03T21:16:00.000-08:00

ok, so I didnt finish my novel as I had originally intended. seems there's never ending bullshit I have to research. a published writer friend of mine said, "write what you know," but of course I didn't take her advice and decided to make research for my novel the project/focus of my life. I have now acquired my own personal Civil War library and my husband says that if I purchase one more Civil War book or subscribe to another Civil War magazine, he is going to flip out, so in response I found two more magazines and just went wild on amazon.com--latest book to arrive is Civil War Recipes.
I have had this novel in my head for quite a while, but to put it on paper has been quite the challenge. I figure I have 3 more yrs to finish this novel although ideally I would like to submit it by 2013 at the latest.
seems my heroine, Milicent, is having difficulty muddling through 1862

this is a boring post...I shall torture you no more, rather I will post a pic of my favorite Jeffrey Campbell skate shoe I wore on my birthday

Drive-Thru Funeral Home in the Ghetto

2011-05-09T16:07:00.000-07:00

150th Anniversary of American Civil War

2011-05-09T14:12:00.000-07:00

After countless books, maps, DVD's, and Civil War music, I feel I am ready to return to 1861. With much effort to pull myself away from the TV and bed, I am feeling the writing muse beckon at my side to complete my novel by Jan 1, 2012.
In order to keep so information from becoming repetitious, I am strongly considering breaking each part of the book into 4 parts. It's not uncommon for authors to write book series which makes sense considering I have information overload.
The girlie part of me wants to write a version of a Jane Austin/Civil War novel, not so much for publicity sake, but because I feel it might appeal to a larger/ younger female audience.
My husband, however feels I should write a Civil War "erotic" novel which I am sure would sell, but I do not wish to compromise my literary integrity for cheap sales. So sorry Miguel and all those perv men friends who highly support his decision.
As of now Milicent (the heroine), is tiredly studying and crafting codes to teach potential spies. Meanwhile her husband, Edwin, is working tiredly with Union Generals in Washington recruiting professional photographers, topographers, and trusted Union couriers. With Abraham Lincoln in such a predicament, he is willing to confide in Edwin Bingham's intelligent prowess, especially since the Confederates have already occupied parts of Quebec and Southern Ontario.
EXCERPTS TO COME LATER

toddler's 1st self made video

2011-03-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

"Paris" by Cedric Klapisch

2011-02-27T05:41:00.000-08:00

Forever in search of job

2011-02-16T17:00:00.000-08:00

So far within these past two weeks I have applied for several different nursing positions, only to receive that dreaded email stating that "they" are looking for someone with more qualifications.
It used to be that I would submit a resume and immediately be called for an interview and hired that day. I suppose those days are over. I cannot relay to you the frustration over such a situation, but I did it to myself.
When I moved back to Los Angeles from Boston, I was a complete mess, and instead of working on straightening myself out, I jumped into nursing right away. The problem was that I had nothing to offer my patients because I could barely keep hold of myself. Therefore, this lead to my demise and I was unable to perform my job properly.
Now several years later, I yearn to help others and I can't because I established such a bad reputation as an employee, that no one will hire me.
What is ironic is that my job is in huge demand, yet no one dare touches me, it's as though I have the plague...rather depressing really.
I continue to tell myself not to despair and that when that one career opportunity presents itself it will be meant to be. Until then, I am continuing to apply for several nursing jobs that I have great interest in and perhaps they will take a chance on me.
Several times I have kicked myself in the head about the absurdity of the situation, and it's depressing as hell. Had I just listened to that inner voice and took a break, then maybe, just maybe, I would not be in the predicament I am in.
Like Ulysses S. Grant, who tried on several hats before joining the civil war, I know I will eventually come out with guns blazing!
At times I feel as though I am running an uphill battle. I often think of General Sherman and how he had to retire from military life due to depression, but eventually overcame those obstacles, and I dare say he did a brilliant job when he re-entered the military. If it were not for Sherman and Grant, then who knows where our nation would be. *can't help using Civil War references since my research for book is all about it*
I'm not saying I am going to save the country, but if I could help one patient at at time, then I will feel fulfilled, now it's all a matter of time before my shining moment comes and I can once more enter a hospital or facility knowing I can make a difference.

Sensa Update

2011-02-08T20:12:00.000-08:00

At first I was skeptical about Sensa, as I am about all diet fads. I sprinkled my food for a good 10 days and then became lax about it. I noticed the scale hadn't shown more than a 1/2 lb loss, but over the next couple of weeks I noticed that I ate less and felt full. Occasionally I sprinkle Sensa on my food, but not as often as before. I am now happy to announce that within 3 weeks I have lost 7 lbs. I haven't changed what I eat, nor have I exercised as I said I would because I fell into a depression and didn't feel like doing much.
Next week will mark 1 month on Sensa and I plan to increase my activity level now that I am feeling somewhat more like my old self. The best part about Sensa is that there are not any side effects, I get to eat whatever I want, and it's easy to do...just sprinkle, and within a few minutes I feel satisfied and don't feel the need to overeat just because it tastes good.
I'm going to continue until I hit my target wait then try to maintain it without Sensa...will let you know.

Is Sensa sensible?

2011-01-14T19:46:00.000-08:00

In the forever crazy world of weight loss schemes I stumbled upon an infomercial for Sensa. It was created by Dr. Alan Hirsh (www.trysensa.com) and I will let you look up the rest of the information on the page provided.
Odd how in July I was complaining of losing too much weight and feeling skeletal whereas now I feel like a bloated pig, and my goal is to lose a good 15 pounds. Of course I realize there is not a miracle drug or supplement that will make me look like Megan Fox in a string bikini, but I can try!
Anyway, being the desperate housewife living in a city of beautiful fit people, I decided to try this out. I'm also going to return to the workout circuit and try to cut back on the Oreos.
I purchased a two month supply and will keep you updated on any progress. This afternoon was my first try of Sensa as I poured the magic sprinkles over my food. Any day that I lose an ounce or more, I will publish a post along with what I ate that day.
Ashamed to say today I ate horrible, but then again I have been on antibiotics, Vicodin, and Zofran for a kidney infection and my appetite has been "blah":

1 small bowl of mashed potatoes
5 oreo cookies
1 pancake
less than one ounce lamb curry
less than one ounce chicken tikki masala
one apricot dried fruit strip
10 chedder sunchips

First day of New Years Resolution

2011-01-01T16:41:00.000-08:00

As I had mentioned on my fb page, I am not going to buy any clothes or shoes for next year with the exception of my future London/Paris trip. Today I have found myself desperately internet shopping, placing items in my cart and then reluctantly leaving the online store page.
Like an alcoholic or overeater, I am trying to fill some kind of void that is bottomless. My only salvation is my continued writing on my novel, but with all the research, I often find myself becoming impatient wanting to complete my story so I can submit it to several literary agents. The only factor against me is finding the time to write and research. My lovely daughter requires lots and lots of attention, which of course I do not mind considering she is my baby and one day she will not be around. There will be a time when she goes off to college (hopefully in Boston or Paris...but not pushing it) and she will be busy leading her own life and creating her world.
So, as I rang in the New Year last night, my thoughts were that this year is going to be different and I am finally going to complete something in my life (meaning my novel). I love starting new projects, but never to completion. I am my own cheerleader for 2011.

Off and Away

2010-12-23T06:41:00.000-08:00

In a few more hours I will journey to Tulgey Woods. I spoke to the Queen of Hearts yesterday, only to be reminded of how much I would rather lazily lay under the tree looking at the butterflies.

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum will no doubt be awaiting my arrival, although they are entertaining, sitting listening to nonsense can be quite trying. I am however, looking forward to seeing the mome raths and other creatures of the woods.

Alice quote

2010-12-20T01:21:00.000-08:00

Alice
I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!

Real Life Alice

2010-12-20T01:17:00.000-08:00

Lately my mind has been all over the place, racing from one subject to another, from one daydream to another. Seems as though I cannot clear my head lately. Between pressuring myself to lose weight, write my novel and get through the holidays, I feel like I am swimming through the air with no sense of direction. My dress is over my head and I am free falling watching the chairs, lamps, and tables float above my head in this never-ending tunnel.

For a few years I felt complete, then one day I woke up and felt like I had slammed into the hard checkered floor of the rabbit hole. I drank from the wrong bottle and now I am too tall to fit inside the door. If I ever catch up with the white rabbit, then what? And why am I chasing him in the first place?

Then there is The Queen of Hearts, forever in the way...quite menacing yet I must bow and curtsy with much reluctance or else my head will get chopped off.

Occasionally the Cheshire Cat appears when least expected to help point me in the right direction, however it is not without frustration at trying to decipher his riddles. He smiles then disappears as suddenly as he appears.

I've visited the Mad Hatter and attended his tea party, only to never eat one crumb of cake or drink the tea in the numerous pots chaotically placed on the long table. Enough with switching chairs, I want my permanent place at the table.

2010-12-17T22:45:00.001-08:00

“That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong.”
William J. H. Boetcker

Secret - Anne/Charles

2010-12-13T21:56:00.000-08:00

When is high school over?

2010-12-13T19:26:00.000-08:00

To you know who:
It has recently been brought to my attention that my fb posts have caused some distress, however, I have never posted anything remotely as horrible as these people have accused me of.
I am not a hypocrite, yes, we have had a difficult past, and yes, there are reasons why I cannot seem to move forward regarding "our relationship" but I would never blatantly post cruel things about you. I can understand if my blog upset you, but I will not apologize for it because I have every right to vent. You have never made me feel completely welcome, and the few times we have been together it seems there was always some complaint about me. Therefore if you have any further problems, please address them to me and we can further discuss it. Do not throw someone we both love in the middle. It's annoying and uncalled for.
I am here and you know how to contact me.

pancakes, preschool, bipolar depression, & civil war wedding

2010-12-07T15:55:00.000-08:00

These four words/subjects can basically describe my life right now. In between writing a civil war wedding scene for the next best selling novel to hit bookstores worldwide (my dream) and trying to perfect my pancakes for the most picky eater (my daughter); I am also trying to pull a loved one out of a deep dark depression.
Needless to say, life per usual is exhausting, but there has to be a silver lining....right?
So yesterday I did what any other individual would do in such a circumstance, I cried. I cried till I thought all the tears had run dry, then guess what? More tears ensued.
Looking back at less than 24 hrs ago, I have yet to come up with a plan, other than to "try try try" ---as my daughter Maya told me today when she heard me scream in the kitchen.
I opened the refrigerator door and stared at the numerous boxes of old Chinese food, and plastic containers of leftovers from the week before. I asked Maya what she was talking about and she told me she was referring to a Ni-hao Kailan cartoon she had seen the night before. I simply laughed because it was good advice coming from a 3 1/2 yr old.
Maybe if I start looking at the world through a child's viewpoint then I won't go insane over the life's little quirks.

Marie Antoinette ~ Tik Tok (The party don't stop)

2010-12-03T08:21:00.000-08:00