Dear minions,

Today I’m going to teach you how to tie up a chicken in preparation for rotisserie cooking on the BBQ.

… learning how to tie up a chicken is great practice for when you need to tie up some good for nothing and extremely pesky hero above a fire-pit.

Heroes always escape because nobody ever ties them up properly. Your only hope is to master the secret art of poultry trussing.

Simple as that may sound, a chicken is indeed a formidable foe that should never be underestimated.

Step 1 – Make Sure the Chicken is Deceased

The one thing professional trussers always forget to mention is ALWAYS make sure your chicken is dead.

… feathers are not a vital organ so don’t assume the bird is deceased even if its plucked.

This step should only take a moment.

Poke the chicken several times with your index fingers in a gentle but not too awkward massage like motion down the spine and wait for a response.

… keep waiting.

The reason you want to wait so long and be entirely certain the chicken is deceased is because for the next step…

Step 2 – Insert your Arm into the Chickens Anus

Listen, store bought turkeys and chickens often come with little baggies stuffed deep into their anus.

These baggies are not for hiding cocaine.

… these baggies contain things like the chicken’s liver, heart, and kidneys — all items of interest for those into weird ritualistic occult stuff.

But this is also why you never skip step 1…

If the chicken is still alive, step 2 will be very unpleasant for both parties — and if caught on film, your friends will never, ever, let you forget that time they tricked you into sticking your arm into the anus of a live chicken.

Step 3 – Beware of Escape Attempts

A great tasting chicken is going to need some great tasting seasoning.

… but as soon as you slap on some BBQ sauce, that bird is going to get slippery and slide all over the place.

Approach your chicken with caution at all times.

Pick up your chicken carefully, with a firm, but re-assuring grip.

Don’t leave your chicken on the edge of a counter…

Step 4 – Tie Up the Chicken!

Listen, you probably should have tied up the chicken before adding the BBQ sauce.

Anyways…

You can’t let your roast flop about unless you enjoy eating half-charred/half raw chicken.

… tie that sucker down!

But do it with gentle care and nimble precision.

There’s no point trying to be tough and intimidating with a dead bird. If your chicken’s legs won’t cross, don’t force them or one of the legs will fall off…

Here is a video demonstrating how to truss a chicken:

Step 5 – Improvise!

Hey man, the above video is excellent if you happen to be trussing a chicken…

… but what if you’ve been practicing trussing chickens and now you’ve got a “chicken” that doesn’t match the shape and dimensions of the chicken in the video?

What if your “chicken” looks nothing like the big juicy celebrity chickens that make it on TV?

What if your “chicken” is 5’10, 170lbs, and was last seen wearing a red sweater with blue cut-off jeans?

… Improvise!

The video suggests using a cord about three times the length of the chicken…

Forget that.

Tie that chicken up real good and use the whole roll of rotisserie cord if necessary!

If the chicken looks like an Egyptian mummy by the time it goes into the rotisserie, that’s perfect.

There’s no better way to preserve a corpse.

Step 6 – Err, Eat the Chicken?

If your “chicken” is in fact a chicken then you can eat the chicken.

If your “chicken” isn’t a chicken per say, but rather a well-seasoned hostage held against their will, then whether or not you choose to eat your chicken really comes down to lifestyle choices and how creepy you are.

Step 7 – Make a List of Topical Dinner Conversation Ideas

If you’re having folks over for dinner, you need to rehearse interesting dinner conversation ideas so your party isn’t weird and full of awkward silence.

Thankfully, I’ve already done that for you.

First of all, a chicken dinner isn’t a chicken dinner without a lively debate over Which Came First, The Chicken or the Egg?.

And if someone says, “Wow, this food smells delicious!”, what a perfect time to ask if they’ve ever smelled the Best Smelling Google Nexus 5 Screen Protector.

Also, the best dinner parties are always hosted by someone who knows a lot of funny jokes so prepare yourself by reading the Very Evil List of Overlord Jokes. Like, the Most Evil One Ever!

… and later in the evening, after everyone has had a few drinks…

Stand-up on the table and declare the Top 5 things you would do with a big barrel and no monkeys.

Or maybe let people know about the impending obliteration of the universe.

Honestly, if you can host a good dinner party AND tie up superheroes without letting them escape, you now have all the essential skills necessary for world domination.

The problem with werewolves is every full moon they get the munchies and eat people. 

Sometimes this personality trait can be convenient when they eat the right people, but usually it’s just a lot of paperwork with a big lineup of minions standing outside HR in the morning with werewolf grievance after grievance. 

Look, it’s not my fault Moonfang ate another one of your colleagues and now you need to pick up the slack. Why is everyone upset with me on these forms? Why is it always supreme managements fault?! 

I don’t care who got eaten, someone still needs to make my omlet.

Is all this fuss really my fault for hiring a werewolf? Maybe minions should just listen better… Moonfang has always been transparent since joining the team. From day one he told everyone he has the uncontrollable urge to mutilate and eat them. Full moons make the guy grumpy, we all have bad days. Give the new guy a chance.

… Of course, it would help smooth things over a bit if werewolves showed some remorse.

The morning after is always awkward. Werewolves can never remember who they ate or what they tasted like. So now I’ve got minions in my office showing me pairs of shoes with feet still in them and Moonfang ignoring when I ask if he recognizes these feet because he’s on his phone shopping for new jeans. How am I supposed to know for sure he did it? It’s not like the crocodiles stop eating people on full moons.

I’ve tried the most obvious solution to this problem.

When it’s a full moon, just lock Moonfang up in a room with the people that I need to have eaten. But do you think I have a single competent minion that can complete this task?

“You forgot to lock the door?! Was that not your only job when I said go lock up the werewolf??!?!”

Nobody has ever succeeded. There is always some excuse.

“You thought he wouldn’t transform BECAUSE IT WAS CLOUDY?!?!
“THAT DOOR UNLOCKS FROM THE INSIDE!!!”
“He said he was hungry SO YOU LET HIM OUT TO HAVE A SNACK!?!?!#$#!

I’m so tired of all the hassle, I’ve decided to convert to an army of wererats.
Wererats are way more convenient. When they get uncontrollable urges it’s to mutilate and eat cheese. 

If it’s a full moon and your buddy transforms into a wererat you don’t need to panic. He’s not gonna rip off your head, he’s not gonna floss his teeth with your ribs, he’s not gonna eat everything except your stinky feet. He’s just gonna eat a piece of cheddar. 

… Or so I thought. But even I can make mistakes.  

You should see the massive lineups outside HR now. If you think minions get upset when their colleagues go missing, you should see what happens when someone steals their cheese.

I’m a Frank-o’-lantern and I hate being called Jack.

It’s Frank.
My name is Frank.

My whole life jerks have called me Jack. I hate it.

I already have enough problems. You know I’m a giant orange vegetable right? Imagine if you were orange and had to let buttheads carve your face and call you Jack.

Have you ever seen a pumpkin with a normal looking face?!?
Never. Nobody says, “Handsome looking pumpkin!”.
You buttheads make me look like an idiot then post pictures saying, “Check out my Jack-o’lantern!”

What the hell man, I told you my name is Frank!!!

I let you scalp my head and rip my guts out, all I ask is that you call me Frank and not light scented candles in my stomach.

What kind of scary Frank-o’-lantern has an uplifting smell of lemongrass and lavender?!?

The worst part of Halloween is the polite kids.

The asshole kids, they’re great. They smash me in the driveway and end my misery right there and then. But not the polite kids…

“Trick-or-treat! I like your jack-o-lantern!”
IT’S FRANK!!!!!!!!!
MY NAME IS FRANK!

Have you ever wondered what happens when you put super glue in a non stick pan?

YOU GET SMACKED IN THE HEAD WITH THE PAN, THAT’S WHAT.

I don’t know what sort of idiots I have working in my kitchen, but this is not the place for conducting toxic science experiments when I asked for an omlet three hours ago.

I don’t care if you thought you were inventing some sort of perpetual energy machine. I don’t care if you thought this could be the first room temperature superconductor. I don’t care if you thought you could become a celebrity by creating your own version of Myth Buster’s.

When I’m waiting for my breakfast I don’t need to see pictures of my minions popping up on Instagram with my kitchen set on fire in the background.

Listen, who the hell is making my omlet?

Cookware doesn’t grow on trees

Do you think I sit around planning a spare budget for cookware? Like when I meet up with Darth Vader and Dr. Evil at the annual golf tournament I ask them, “Hey guys, how much do you set aside each quarter for new mixing spoons?”

No way. I’m a supervillain. I’ve got bigger fish to fry…

I need to buy sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their frickin’ heads.

I need to booby trap my office in case a wild italian plumber decides to jump on all my pet turtles until their heads explode.

I need to make sure I don’t get eaten by a sea cucumber.

The point is…

I WANT MY FRICKIN’ OMLET!!!

Dear minions,

I just found out elves are 8 inches tall.

I know this because I measured an elf and it was 8 inches tall.

This is quite remarkable because it’s not every day you get to measure an elf. Most often what happens when an elf walks by is…

“Shit I don’t have my measuring tape!!”.

You’ll tap and check your pockets just in case, but who walks around with a measuring tape in their pocket?

I got lucky. I saw this elf on a construction site hiding cordless drill batteries inside of lunch bags. Eventually I found a measuring tape inside a coffee thermos.

“Hi elf, can I measure you?”.

It’s ok to walk up to an elf and ask this. I know because that’s what I did and the elf didn’t draw a moustache on my face or shave off my eyebrows. The elf just stopped to think about it then replied…

“Ok, but only if you measure me diagonally.”.

It takes a solid understanding of trigonometry to figure out how tall elves are.

If you don’t have a measuring tape in your pocket it’s best to just give up. It’s not a good idea to abduct an elf to measure it later because the problem with kidnapping elves is that they love it. They’re always looking for some excuse to sneak inside your home to cause mischief.

Even if you try asking polite…

“Hi elf, can you tell me how tall are you?”

An elf will say…

“NEVER!!! Throw me in your trunk AND tie me to a chair in your basement!!! That’s the only way you’ll ever FIND OUT!!!”.

This is a trick.

It doesn’t matter what you tie an elf up with, they always escape. The moment you turn your back, they’re knotting your shoelaces together, writing “Kick Me!” signs, and putting shaving cream inside your gloves and hat.

You could hire a cement truck to dump a load of concrete on an elf, only to find out later the elf was the one driving the truck and everything in your basement is now super glued to the floor. It’s holiday magic.

Once an elf is set loose in your house it takes 24 days before they get bored and move out.

At night you’ll hear tiny footsteps running in the attic…

You’ll see shadows dancing back and forth along the walls.

At 2AM you’ll hear hammering and power tools in the basement followed by the sounds of laughter and high-fives…

Good luck calling an exterminator and explaining you’ve got an elf.

“An elf you say… And it’s causing mischief in your house?”
“Yes, it switched my toothpaste with one flavored spicy jalapeno!!”

Every morning you’ll wake up to find some new disaster.

Some nights a rock band will play hits from Metallica in your kitchen.

Listen, just trust me. Elves are 8 inches tall.

As an evil overlord, it’s important to have a set of quotes handy at all times in order to out-duel an adversary in a verbal showdown of wits.

Bookmark this page, more quotes are added nefariously!

Approximately 107 Sarcastic, Ironic & Witty Quotes

• Those who laugh last think slowest.
• Whoever said nothing was impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.
• Save a tree, eat a beaver! Hurray for Earth Day!
• If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
• Let’s share, You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin.
• Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
• You never learn anything by doing it right.



• The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
• Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.
• Don’t take life so seriously, it isn’t permanent.
• Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
• In the end everything we do, is just everything we’ve done.
• Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot…
• If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
• I’ve lowered my expectations to the point where they’ve already been met!
• Stupidity is not a crime, so you’re free to go.
• Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.



• Experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes.
• I can resist everything except temptation.
• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
• A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.
• A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
• Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
• Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Every calendars days are numbered.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• Energizer Bunny arrested — charged with battery…
• Dijon vu — the same mustard as before.
• If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
• When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
• When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
• Without geometry, life is pointless.
• A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.



• In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
• She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
• Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you A flat minor.
• The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large…

More Quotes!

Wouldn’t it be great if this post ended with links to a whole bunch of other awesome articles full of quotes? Well now it does!

• Funniest Quotes by Marvin from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
• 27 Confucius Say Quotes that are Actually Funny
• The Ultimate List of Quotes from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
• 21 Witty Insults to Rule an Empire like an Evil Overlord
• Chuck Norris Facts – The Worlds #1 Top Rated Exceedingly Popular and Also as-Good-as Garlic Dipping Sauce List

World Domination Newsletter

Wouldn’t it be totally awesome to receive emails from an evil overlord?

WELL GUESS WHAT?!

Subscribe to the World Domination Newsletter and I’ll be your pal.

You can send me a message… I can send you a message… It will be great!

Join now because the World Domination Newsletter is free for an unlimited time only! Don’t miss out on this overwhelmingly frequent opportunity!

Let’s skip the small talk and get straight to the point…

HOLY SHIT IT’S SNOWING!

I could have built an evil headquarters inside a volcano like Dr. Evil, I bet that would have been nice…

Or I could have built a fort in the jungle with a pit of poisonous lizards and some mischievous pick-pocketing monkeys…

… But no!

Instead here I am in Canada living inside a very frigid and excessively polite ice-cube.

Instead of a death-ray, I have a floor mat that says, “Welcome” and then upside down it says “Come Again”. I hate it. I didn’t want you to come in the first place! I’d throw the damn thing in the garbage, but in Canada you can’t not have a floor mat because HOLY SHIT IT’S SNOWING!

… Also, the other ones say worse things like “Please Stay a While” and then upside down “Missing You Already”.

What’s up with all the Chipmunks?!

I don’t understand why there’s so many tiny miscreants in this frigidly frozen environment.

Listen, I’m the worlds most notorious supervillain – I need my headquarters surrounded by giant bears, alligators, or maybe a really big moose. All I’ve got is hundreds of these tiny obnoxious chipmunks…

Instead of sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their frickin’ heads I have chipmunks with nothing attached to their stupid little heads.

Chipmunks are good for nothing!

… Unless you consider digging holes and stealing cucumbers good for something. I don’t. I hate chipmunks and I wish they wouldn’t sit there watching me while I curse about my stupid floor mat.

But that’s NOT EVEN the worst part!

If all these things weren’t already bad enough for my credibility as the worlds most notorious supervillain, NOW I HAVE TO SHOVEL.

Let me Tell you Why Shoveling in Canada is so Ridiculous…

Listen, you’re not going to believe this, but I’m telling you shoveling is some sort of scam in Canada.

First of all, there’s frickin’ snow everywhere and all I ever do is shovel.

How am I supposed to find time to conquer the world if all I ever do is shovel? How is any Canadian supposed to do anything?

This is why the world thinks Canadians are so friendly! Canadians don’t have any free time to piss everybody off like normal people because they’re always outside shoveling.

The worst part is you can NEVER finish shoveling. You think you can, but you can’t.

Once you’re finally done the plow drives by and takes the snow your neighbor just spent all day shoveling, and moves it right in front of your laneway. Then the plow takes the snow you spent all day shoveling and moves it to your next neighbor. And so on. And so forth. Until the plow gets to the last house, and moves that snow back to the first guy so that everybody is just shoveling around the same snow in one never ending circle.

It’s ridiculous! This is exactly the sort of thing that turns a person into a crazy old man…

… But seriously, it’s got to be some sort of scam to make sure Canadians don’t get bored in Winter, because what else is there to do really?!?

I mean, some Canadians like to ski, but that’s because plummeting down a frozen hillside is the sort of thing someone depressed and suicidal might turn to once their hands are blistered from weeks of shoveling and they just can’t take it anymore.

HOLY SHIT IT’S SNOWING!

Listen, there’s a lot of Chuck Norris lists out there…

… They suck.

This is the #1 undisputed top rated Chuck Norris list of them all.

Bookmark it.

… Share it.

Fear it.

Chuck Norris Poetry

This list is exceedingly popular because it’s the sort of list that includes INSANE NEVER BEFORE RELEASED BONUS MATERIAL like Chuck Norris Poetry…

Jack can be nimble, and Jack can be quick,
but not even Jack can dodge a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

You see? Best list ever.

… but wait, there’s so much more!

Facts About How Chuck Norris WILL KILL YOU

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

… if you’re thinking – “Wow, one second, that’s impressive! I wonder how he’s gonna do it” – well, let me tell you, Chuck Norris can kill you with anything…

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone. I mean, if there’s a corded phone around, that would work too, but you get the point. The man can improvise.

In fact, in the average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

… and if you’re thinking you can hide…

Chuck Norris knows where you live because Chuck Norris knows all the things he needs to know to find and kill you.

But more importantly, Chuck Norris knows where you die, because he has the whole thing planned out. Really, there’s not much to it, as discussed earlier, it only takes one second.

Now, if you’re thinking – “Bring it on Chuck Norris! You’re like 75 years old, I can take you” – here are some more facts you should consider…

This one time at band camp, a cobra bit Chuck Norris on the leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Also, this one time at another band camp, back when Mars was a popular destination for band camps, Chuck Norris went to band camp on Mars. Today, there are no signs of life on Mars.

An interesting fact though – Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano, so it must have been one hell of a band camp…

I can keep going, but I think you get the point.

You can run, but…

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things. Including you.

A Chuck Norris Haiku!

Chuck Norris can win
a game of Connect Four
in three moves or less.

A Short Story About The Guy Who Crossed Chuck Norris Street

Once upon a time there used to be this street named Chuck Norris, but the name was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

If that wasn’t clear, let me explain in horrifying detail what this sort of anecdote really means…

It means all the people that crossed Chuck Norris street had their hearts ripped-out from their anus by Chuck Norris, and at no point would any of the participants have had the opportunity to request an autograph or take a photo to post to Facebook.

I know it’s kind of a sad story, but Chuck Norris doesn’t really care much about feelings.

Did you know Chuck Norris can make onions cry before he chops them up?

Seriously.

I don’t know how he does it either because I’ve tried all sorts of things – I’ve made onions watch as I’ve chopped up their onion friends and onion relatives into tiny little pieces. I’ve chewed vigorously on onions in an omelet. I’ve even flipped around onions in a frying pan with a sizzling layer of olive oil. Nothing. The onions just always seem to take it all in stride without ever shedding a tear… Oh well.

Hey man, did you know Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards? Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further! Just imagine how far Chuck Norris can throw your lifeless body back to the other side of Chuck Norris street!

Now you might be thinking the plot of any good short story involves an action scene with a tank chase. Am I right?

… But a tank won’t help you escape Chuck Norris if you cross Chuck Norris street.

You could even have an unnecessarily big frickin’ tank with big bad-ass guns, the type not really ideal for city-driving…

… But the thing is, bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Your tank won’t protect you at all even if you lock the doors and decide to just sit there and make faces out the window.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, just by whispering… bang!

You could try killing Chuck Norris in his sleep, but Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun just so he has something to suffocate you with.

… Look, you can never escape Chuck Norris.

And the thing is, Chuck Norris is coming for YOU because YOU crossed Chuck Norris street!

Chuck Norris still knows when someone crosses Chuck Norris because Chuck Norris can’t be fooled just by changing a street sign.

Hey man, I get it. You probably had no idea you crossed Chuck Norris street because it’s no longer named Chuck Norris which makes it very difficult to formulate any sort of ideas about it.

… But, that’s no excuse.

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because nobody fools Chuck Norris. Ever.

You can of course try explaining the misunderstanding to Chuck Norris, not that it will help…

“Hey Chuck, bro, buddy, listen, I had no idea about the road… Err, well yeah, I crossed it, but it looked just like any other road… Err, no no, I’m not saying your road is ordinary, umm, it’s a very nice road? But, the sign, it didn’t mention your name… Wait, wait! Oh crap…”

The End.
… Of you.

Chuck Norris Facts About Some Useless Things

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris came before BOTH The Chicken and The Egg.

Did you know…

A “Handicap” parking sign doesn’t mean the spot is for handicapped people. It’s actually a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris doesn’t mean to beat up so many handicapped people, if they could just pay more attention to the warning signs…

A Few Chuck Norris Magic Tricks

Chuck Norris was born a magician. In fact, Chuck Norris was born in the house he built with his own two hands!

If you think that’s crazy, imagine this…

Chuck Norris pours the milk first. Then he pours the cereal. Then he places the bowl. And it all works out somehow…

Maybe it has something to do with time travel because Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, he just decides what time it is.

Most of the time, Chuck Norris decides it’s killing time.

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris. That’s kind of weird because Caller ID didn’t exist yet, but we’re talking about the same Chuck Norris who can cut through a hot knife with butter so I wouldn’t doubt it for a second.

Chuck Norris can even light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together. This comes in really handy when you’re stranded in the middle-of-no-where but have access to ice cubes.

Another Chuck Norris Haiku!

Chuck plans to kill you,
You should run and hide and cry,
But you are a fool.

Some More Chuck Norris Facts About Death… YOUR DEATH!

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants. As discussed, he wants to kill you.

… Nobody can save you.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing underwear on the outside of his pants.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance”.

… Which is useless advice, because you have no chance.

Chuck Norris Facts About Animals

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead it’s just afraid to move.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass at night. I’m not sure why he would do this though, what an ass.

Here’s a few More Reasons Chuck Norris is an Ass

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off. This is really annoying because I can never figure out how to turn the dark back on after he leaves.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris. This happens every time he asks to use the washroom and I hate it because he pretends like he didn’t just punch my mirror again for no reason.

Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone. That’s just perfect because honestly who doesn’t enjoy having that conversation with some asshat when they pickup the phone.

Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn, he stares at it and dares it to grow. Do you know how stupid he looks when he does this? I mow his lawn just to make him stop, but he swears it works.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles because hair doesn’t grow on steel. This wastes a lot of time at airports when women at security are forced to look-into-this matter; dirty-old-bastard.

5 Reasons I Already Regret Calling Chuck Norris an Ass

They once made Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn’t take shit from anybody.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise!!! I’m not really sure how you go about destroying the periodic table and sometimes wonder if maybe Chuck is just sitting in a room somewhere ripping up pieces of paper… But then I realized this is probably Chuck Norris’ scientific way of saying he’s going to suffocate me, you know, by taking away all the oxygen.

Most importantly though…

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding and I really don’t want to end up always hiding in crowds wearing the same clothes.

Its not over until Chuck Norris makes the fat lady sing.

Ok, now it’s over.

Some More Lists as-Good-as Garlic Dipping Sauce

Hey man, before Chuck Norris has a chance to kill you, why not check out these other hilarious lists:

• Funniest Quotes by Marvin from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
• 21 Witty Insults to Rule an Empire like an Evil Overlord
• The Ever Growing List of Sarcastic, Ironic and Witty Quotes
• The Ultimate List of Quotes from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
• 27 Confucius Say Quotes that are Actually Funny

In order to be a true supervillain it is essential to have a bunch of sarcastic catchphrases.

If you watch any movie you’ll notice the head honcho is always the most witty member of any cast of villains.

Ruling an empire isn’t all about big muscles. The macho stuff is great for henchmen…

As a supervillain you need to be the mastermind. An super genius. A hoopy frood who’s insanely brilliant!

… and to prove your superior intelligence, you need a bunch of witty quotes to constantly insult your minions!

Because it’s important to keep your minions on their toes…

… attentive and ready to serve.

And most importantly…

To avoid unpleasant uprisings and the sorts of situations that arise when confident co-workers start to believe they can do your job, you need to insult your minions constantly to keep them motivated for their menial and self-deprecating tasks.

21 Witty Insults that are Better than Anything you Could Think of on Your Own

1. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
3. I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication.
8. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
9. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
12. It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
13. I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
14. Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
15. I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
16. Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you any worse advice.
17. Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
18. I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
19. I bet you get bullied a lot.
20. I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you. Just kidding, I hate you.
21. I realize you have an inferiority complex but it’s fully justified.

Want More Awesome Quotes? I’ve Got Some!

Hey man, I’m not just some one-trick-pony who’s only skill is World Domination.

… I’m also the ultimate master of quotes lists!

If you want to conquer the world, it helps to know a lot of famous quotes because knowing quotes tricks people into thinking you’re some sort of wise intellectual.

Take a look:

• The Ever Growing List of Sarcastic, Ironic and Witty Quotes
• Funniest Quotes by Marvin from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
• The Ultimate List of Quotes from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
• Chuck Norris Facts – The Worlds #1 Top Rated Exceedingly Popular and Also as-Good-as Garlic Dipping Sauce List
• 27 Confucius Say Quotes that are Actually Funny

If you’ve got an itch, The Bear Claw Back Scratcher is the most satisfying itch relief tool in the shape of a bear claw on the market.

Neanderthals have used bear claws to cure itching for centuries!

With your very own Bear Claw Back Scratcher you can remove any itch within 22 inches. That’s enough inches to put any itchy itches in itch relief reach!

No itch will ever withstand the ferociously satisfying scratch that comes with every Bear Claw Back Scratcher.

Best of all, the Bear Claw Back Scratcher is made of walnut and white pine so you never have to worry about whether or not it’s a real bear claw…

… It’s not a real bear claw!

It’s a masterfully crafted piece of therapeutic wood that will provide years of enjoyment.

Is it Better than Real Bear Claws?

Yes, the Bear Claw Back Scratcheris the best back scratching bear claw ever used to scratch backs.

It’s 87% more scratch effective than the severed bear limbs used by Neanderthals.

Today’s state-of-the-art bear claws have improved every aspect of back scratching:

• No more shedding.
• No more decomposing.
• No more lawsuits from angry three-legged bears.

Let’s face it, scratching with actual bear limbs is an ancient technique.

Can I just scratch with a stick…?

No!

You can’t just use an ordinary stick and hope for some miracle your itches go away…

Don’t you think Neanderthals would have tried scratching with sticks before wrestling bears to the death? Are you going to argue with centuries of ancient itch relieving science?

Besides…

Scratching with some unfashionable stick in public looks ridiculous; pull out your Bear Claw Back Scratcher, it’s portable!!!

You can relieve yourself anywhere you feel itchy.

Bring it to the park so you can sit on a bench with someone homeless…

… Or to the grocery store near some fruit that cause a rash if you’re allergic.

But especially bring it to meetings with insurance salesmen, if you weren’t itchy before you will be in a moment.

It Sounds too Good to be True…

… but there’s more!

The Bear Claw Back scratcher is a wonderfully handcrafted piece of wall art!

Why do you think it comes with a brass chain? It’s so you can hang your bear claw in the living room for everyone to observe it’s ferocious grasp!

With the Bear Claw Back Scratcher hanging in your home, your walls will boast that confident “unscratchable itches are a thing of the past” look that will leave your your guests scratching their heads in amazement.

Songs have been Written about the Bear Claw Back Scratcher

You can scratch your back at home, you can scratch your back alone.
You can even scratch that itch while you be textin’ on that phone.

You can do it in a car,
… You can do it on a bus.
You can even do it upside-down because right-side-up wasn’t fuss enough.

You can do it as first-base coach, or while eating an ice cream cone.
You can even do it with your pants down while you’re sitting on the throne.

You can scratch while in pajamas.
… You can help some itchy llamas.
You can do the sorts of things you never could just with bananas.

Does it feel good when I do it?

If you’re worried about comfort, don’t worry because the Bear Claw Back Scratcher has a very comfortable wood handle that’s perfect for gripping with precisely calculated firmness.

The wood grain can be grasped tightly, softly, or with rugged disregard, it doesn’t matter because you will always experience the deep-calming aura of total relaxation.

Testimonials

I used to rub my back against a door jam, NO MORE!! This thing is as big as a human hand, but better because it’s a giant bear claw. — Bob

The Bear Claw Back Scratcher doesn’t come with ferocious little bear prints imprinted on the handle, but I’ve painted some on myself with the appropriate tribal paints I’ve been telling my therapist about. — Bob

This Christmas, give the gift of scratching.

Are your friends always saying, “HELP I’M ITCHY”?

Are you thinking, “I need a scratch…”?

It’s time to set your fingers free from the rigorous wear and tear vigor’s of bodily scratching.

It’s time to get seriously satisfying itch relief with The Bear Claw Back Scratcher!