Decompressing Faith

Fear and Honesty: You are what You Read

2009-07-01T13:53:00.000-07:00

"Love God and don't be an asshole" -- Dianne Sylvan

That was the entirety of Dianne's post yesterday, and I love it.

Confession: I read Pagan* blogs. Not just blogs written by people who happen to practice Pagan spirituality, but blogs about Pagan spirituality. Regularly. I have a grand total of 13 in my reader, and I continuously gain beautiful spiritual insight from them.

However, I don't generally interact with them. With two exceptions, they usually don't welcome my presence on their blog once they find out I'm a Christian.

To be honest, it makes me sad. Sad that I wear an identity that has been so warped and twisted; an identity that has been so abusive and hostile toward other religions, Pagan in particular. An identity that, regardless of what I say, just the simple fact of my own faith indicates I am an enemy, or at least up to no good. Unfortunately, it has been common for Christians to bait-and-switch, pretending to be friendly but with the ultimate goal of converting the other person, which only causes people on the receiving end to be suspicious. That is a shameful and manipulative practice, and I condemn it.

Thanfully, there is growing belief among Christians that we might have more to learn from other faiths than we have ever dared to guess. More and more Christians are engaging with people of other belief systems, searching out the commonalities rather than the divisions, possibly even gleaning some knowledge that can help a Christian in their experience of God. Some people call this syncretism, I call it wisdom. Seeing something of value in the belief system of the other,and validating a person's right to choose their path is one small step toward resolving many of the world's disputes. I'm not idealistic about it, I don't believe that wars will end if we simply practice kindness toward other religions. However, I feel quite strongly that we cannot begin to measure the value of it.

However, for much of my conservative evangelical church experience, it has been pounded into me that we must be careful what we read, for putting non-Christian ideas into our heads will only lead down the slippery slope. I believed that simply reading about something would cause irreparable damage to my soul. For awhile, I only read the Bible and Christian fiction, such was the fear that I might cross that line into the "evil" zone.

When I left church, I was a mess. I was so convinced that the evangelical Christianity I knew was the only way to be a Christian, I was certain that if I did not continue to hold to those beliefs, there was no way I could continue to be a Christian. I could not continue in that way; it had no meaning for me anymore. However, I know I'm a spiritual being, so for awhile I thought to myself, "If I'm not Christian, then what am I?" I began reading books about other religions, investigating my options, considering the possibilities.

Interestingly enough, in the end I chose to remain here. Not because I didn't find anything of value in other traditions, but because I did. However, for my own path, those things I found of value only repeatedly and undeniably pointed toward Jesus, and reinforced for me why I follow him. The things I read broadened my awe of him, because I truly found Him to be alive in other places; and I realized I follow one really big God who encompasses all., and this began to grant me permission to know God the way I know him, not in the way someone else tells me I must know him. This is my own personal truth, but I certainly accept that it's not truth for everyone.

For those who might be suspicious of my motives for visiting and commenting on their other-than-Christian blogs, please know this: I am only there to learn; not to challenge, not to attack, not to persuade. Many Christians believe they have a monopoly on truth; I'm decidedly not one of them.

Fear and Honesty: The Pagan Stacks
Fear and Honesty: Connectedness
Fear and Honesty: Diverting from the Norm
Fear and Honesty: You are What You Read

*I use the term "Pagan" loosely. I do not intend to imply that "Pagan" is a single spiritual tradition in and of itself, but rather an adjective describing polytheistic, ancestral, or nature-based spiritual traditions or philosophies (many of which are, or are derived from, ancient spiritual practices), of their many varieties.

Pardon the Dust

2009-07-01T09:24:00.000-07:00

I'm moving all my hosted files, including the CSS for my blog template, to a new host.

It should be relatively simple; however, in the process it's possible some things around here might become temporarily broken. If so, I'll have things put back together soon.

Spirituality as a Spectrum

2009-06-29T08:59:00.000-07:00

An excerpt from my latest post at Communitas Collective:

"Did you know that color is actually created by the spectrum of visible light, as it is absorbed or reflected by an object we are looking at? An apple doesn’t really have the property of being red; it absorbs the entire spectrum of light except red, and reflects the red back, so our eye sees red.

"As human beings, we only see a very limited portion of the spectrum of light; animals, birds or insects see some portions of the spectrum that we do not see. (Interesting note: It is theorized that the spectrum a species sees is the determined by their food source(s), i.e. bees see ultraviolet, because pollen glows in ultraviolet light.) Humans can be assisted to see other sections of the spectrum, such as infrared and ultraviolet, but we cannot see them with the naked eye. This, of course, limits the way we see color, and on some levels we are at a color disadvantage."

Read the rest, HERE.

Lawbreaker

2009-06-27T22:19:00.000-07:00

Something has been swirling around in my head...what precisely is the role of "The Law" for Christians? I got my shackles up recently by Christians who still insist we must apply the Law , or aspects of the Law, to our lives, even if it is not loving to do so. So, I chose to dig around a bit about the law, both as documented in the Old Testament, and as referred to in the New. What is it's purpose for those who follow Christ? Eventually, I had a revelation. This may not be new to you, but it's new to me, so humor me.

If we read the bible with the idea that it documents a life, the life of the people of God, we see an interesting pattern; especially in light of God's portrayal of himself as divine parent. Our parents give birth to us, give us life, bring us into the world, create us. When we are infants, our parents care for our every need. They feed us and clothe us, keep us safe. As children, we begin to explore our environment and must be told to do this, and not to do that in order that we might learn to be caring of others, healthy and safe. As we grow into adolescence, we are taught more about having the correct motive behind our actions, love, care, wisdom, than we are told precisely what to do. We then go off into life enabled to make loving and healthy decisions on our own, no longer needing the minutiae of rules. Eventually we come to the close of life and meet with our demise, which really is only one kind of death, entering into a new kind of life.

It's an imperfect metaphor in some ways; imperfect because human life is imperfect, not because God's divine parenting is imperfect.

I see the Law as having been God's divine parenting; giving birth to humanity and initially caring for them in a "bubble" of safety and love during their infancy. As youth, they become more independent, exploring the boundaries of their environment. They are then given rules, instructed in the ways that will move them toward the goal of caring for and respecting others. As an adolescent people, it was time to teach them to make decisions out of right motives, rather than just because they are instructed to, and to set them free as adults equipped with this wisdom. When Jesus came and fulfilled the law and died, one of the outcomes was the realization that his example of love would be our motivator in life, and through and because of that, caring and respect would naturally follow without a detailed set of instructions. As a tangential aside, I have also thought about at what level we intervene in our children's lives as when they are young, versus how likely we are to intervene as they mature into adulthood. But that's another post.

According to Matthew Henry, the Law's purpose was to mandate behaviors that were loving. In Matthew 5 we are told that Jesus came to fulfill the Law; that is, to set into motion that which the law was trying to accomplish in the people; Love. In Matthew 22 we are told that in Jesus' own words, the most important laws are those about loving God and loving others, and that all the law and the prophets hang on these two. In fact, Jesus himself goes so far as to break the law, (working on the Sabbath, for instance) saying that if it is more loving or merciful to do something even if it is breaking the law, then do so; for the keeping of the law does not atone for an unmerciful act. Love supersedes the law.

So, then, setting my heresy meter to 100, I come to the conclusion that as human beings in the adulthood of Christianity, we ought to know that anything that is loving or merciful towards another human is more important than anything the Law says about that issue/behavior. Jesus, by his Spirit, imparted to us the mandate to Love, and the ability and necessary wisdom to do so; while granting us the freedom to Love with abandon. If the Law's purpose was to mandate love and its natural results (mercy, generosity, kindness...fruits of the Spirit stuff), and Jesus ,with his example of love, fulfilled that purpose...then I would reason that any act of love, even if it contradicts the law, is more right than keeping the law if it would mean forgoing the love.

I would love to hear any thoughts on these things. I realize I'm mostly preaching to the choir here, but it's something I've been thinking about.

If you are new to my blog, remember this when commenting: Every view is welcome and will be heard, however, please be kind.

Peace out.

Subjective Truth?

2009-06-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

Excerpt from my latest post at Communitas Collective:

"What is TRUTH? Reality? Validity? Honesty? Loyalty? You can find those, and numerous other definitions in the dictionary. But I’ll be honest with you; I’ve always hated the word, if only because of the ways I’ve been beaten over the head with the concept by the religious establishment.

The only definition of “truth” many Christians hold to…

Strong’s Greek 225: “Objectively…the truth as taught in the Christian religion, respecting God and the execution of his purposes through Christ, and respecting the duties of man, opposing alike to the superstitions of the Gentiles and the inventions of the Jews, and the corrupt opinions and precepts of false teachers even among Christians.”

…while completely missing the other:

Strong’s Greek 225: “Subjectively…truth as a personal excellence; that candor of mind which is free from affection, pretence, simulation, falsehood, deceit.”

Read the rest HERE.

Fear and Honesty: Diverting from the Norm

2009-06-20T19:16:00.000-07:00

Here is a collection of quotes I have gathered that have been causing me to really tip some formerly sacred cows. Hang tight with me, there is a point to all of this re: the evolution of my personal faith.

Bart Erhman, Jesus Interrupted:

"It became clear to me over a long period of time that my former views of the bible as the inerrant revelation from God were flat out wrong. My choice was either to hold on to views that I had come to realize were in error or to follow where I believe the truth was leading me. In the end it was no choice. If something was true, it was true; if not not. I have known people over the years who have said, "If my beliefs are at odds with the facts, so much worse for the facts." I've never been one of those people."

Darrin Hufford, Free Believers Network - Repair or Demolish:

"I have found in most circumstances, a complete divorce from the cult-god is necessary. Getting to this point is the hard part because most people are terrified of what might happen if they were to actually abandon the god they grew up with. They also fear the in-between time where they won't have a god at all. This is precisely why most of us opt to fix the cult-god rather then leave him altogether. Unfortunately, fixing him is not an option, so divorce and complete abandonment is the only option."

Jim Palmer: Can God be a Distraction

"Since the beginning, humankind has been trying to figure out God. Numerous religions currently exist, even denominations and factions within the same religion, all claiming to have the correct understanding or interpretation of God. And yet most religions agree that God is a mystery and can’t be comprehended definitively.

"If this is true, what is the value of pouring our energies into understanding, comprehending, and determining the correct view of God? And further still, devising a system of beliefs and practices based on this understanding? Would this make sense if your starting premise was that God is a mystery and beyond comprehension? Wouldn’t that be like saying, “I know I can’t jump high enough to touch the moon, but I’m going to keep trying anyway.”

Jeff McQuilkin: Hurricanes and Change

"But the truth is...living things need change the way the earth needs hurricanes. Organisms thrive on it...not just in adapting to the surroundings, but in the constant renewing and replenishing, of old cells dying off and new cells replacing them.

"Change can feel terrible sometimes...but if we don't change, we die. Or to put it the opposite way...whatever is changing, is living."

Sue Stevenson: The Place of the Bible, Hmm

"Stopping at the Bible as the Word of God and not going on to hear for ourselves from THE Word of God is one of the problems of modern-day Christianity. We don't really want to go on further, we want to stop in a book where all the answers are laid out, safe. A god that can be put back on the bookcase, safe. A modern day tablet of stone, our very own ten commandments, just with a bit more grace and lurve and stuff in there.

"How sad. We miss everything when we stop there. We can very easily become something akin to demons in the process. I understand how heretical this would seem to those who need the security, who vaunt the Word of God above the Spirit of God speaking to them.

"But to me, that's like being married to someone who lives in another country and only living out your marriage via email. Child's play. Might stay married for decades, but you've never really connected."

* * *

Think on these and I hope I won't be so long returning to this series. There's more to say, for sure.

Fear and Honesty: The Pagan Stacks
Fear and Honesty: Connectedness
Fear and Honesty: Diverting from the Norm
Fear and Honesty: You are what You Read

More Communitas!

2009-06-11T18:09:00.000-07:00

Whew! It's been a whirlwind week bringing Communitas Collective to the world! It's been more fun than I ever imagined, and I look forward to seeing what it will evolve into.

Just in case you missed it, Wednesday brought a new set of posts to CC:

On Sanctuary, Cindy Bryan wrote "Bunny Trouble". Verve has Kathy Escobar with "Dreams are Much Prettier when they are Just Dreams", and Cory Sanders brings "I Might Even Be a Rockstar" to Survivor.

Friday will turn up an entirely new set of posts, too! The content will be fresh three times per week, so be sure to visit often!

Miscellany

2009-06-09T09:25:00.000-07:00

Today we have a variety show:

1) I think the kick-off for Communitas Collective went very fabulously. If you haven't yet visited, check us out. We have no agenda and are not affiliated with any denomination or movement. We simply desire to support and connect people who are disillusioned with religion, who have left church and wonder what to do next, or are trying to figure out better ways to make it work.

2) Saw this article recently: A church here in Oregon is offering Drive-in services. Yes, you stay in your car and tune to a radio station to hear the service. They may not be the first to do it, but it's the first I've heard about such a thing. You can read about it here. What do you think?

3) I am planning another post or two about Fear and Honesty...soon.

4) My health: I realize I didn't update you on my frustrations. We have determined for certain some things that are *not* going on, and I have begun taking Byetta. Yes, it's an injection, and no, it's no big deal. Really. I'm very pleased with the results so far...saw a number below 100 today for the first time in a long time. However, it makes me feel like I'm going to barf for the first 3 hours every time I dose. Hopefully that will get better; I've only been on it a week.

Note to type II diabetes pharmaceutical manufacturers: why does it seem all the people in type II diabetes advertisements/websites are "mature"? No offense to older people, but I was 35 when diagnosed, my sister was 31. We are decidedly NOT gray-haired. If you read the press you'd know that type II diabetes among 20-40 year-olds is increasing rapidly. Please don't make us feel so old.

That's all for now. Have a great day!

Communitas Comes to Life

2009-06-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

I'm pleased to announce the launch of...drumroll please...

Communitas Collective

A place for disillusioned church-goers, spiritual wanderers, and faith adventurers to come together, to share, and to be safe.

All of us at CC have been there, some of us still are there. You know, that place where church is broken, the place where we have more questions than answers, the place where we feel lost and confused about where we are headed. Each of us is trying to find what is next for our spiritual journey. None of us claim to know the right way, certainly not for anyone else. We are just a bunch of ragamuffins who understand and want to be available as a listening ear, a friend, for those who are lost in this jungle of church and faith. We will talk about our experiences, our hopes and dreams, and hopefully build a community of people who can share it all together.

On the site you will find a wealth of resources, some familiar faces, and many ways to connect. We are on Facebook and Twitter, as well as having an in-house network.

There are three blogs at Communitas: Sanctuary, Verve and Survivor. Each blog will have three posts per week, each post by one of three authors.

Sanctuary is a place for questioners. People who are still in church but who believe it needs to change, and people who have left church and are trying to find their way in the wilderness.

Verve is for dreamers, pioneers, and those who need to make a difference. People who have a vision that needs to be expressed.

Survivor is for former pastors and church leaders. People who love the church, but not the system and are trying to find how to make that work in their lives.

We welcome you to come and explore, join us, and give us your feedback. This is exciting to see finally come to fruition and we hope you will enjoy it.

Come on in, the water is fine! Here is my first post, A Bridge to Somewhere.

PS: As I said before, we have had a number of technical difficulties, most of which have been ironed out now. However, please forgive us if the site isn't perfect, God isn't finished with us yet!

An Announcement

2009-06-05T07:48:00.000-07:00

Monday will mark the launch of a new project I'm involved in. It began as an idea, fostered and nurtured over the last few years by my friend Glenn Hager. In recent months, he has given life to it, and invited some friends and writers, including myself, to join him.

In Glenn's own words:

"Today there is an unprecedented exodus of people from institutional churches, but a heightened awareness of spirituality. People are weary of institutions, but hungry for community. There is a declining desire to be a part of a system and a growing desire to be a part of something that is real that provides the opportunity for self expression and living out the life of Christ, rather than just talking about it.

"So, I thought it was time for church refugees, like myself and others, who perhaps felt like they never did fit into the church system, to come out of the shadows and find each other. I think some really good things will happen as a result."

Aside from Glenn, some of the faces you will see writing there:

Cindy Bryan
Gary Means
Kathy Escobar
John Smulo
Sue Stevenson
Kevin Shinn
Kirsten Strand
Cory Sanders
and yours truly

We intended to launch on June 1st, but have experienced some technical difficulties, including the site being hacked...twice...last week. John Smulo, proprietor of of Purple Cow Websites built this site, and has worked countless hours of overtime rebuilding it, changing hosts and upgrading security. However, it seems all is well now, and we are scheduled to go live on Monday June 8th.

On the site, you will also find graphics by Gary Means, who stepped up a few weeks ago to help bring interest and continuity to the visual presence of the site.

I am under an oath of secrecy...well not really...but I still can't tell you the name of the project nor it's address until we launch.

So stay tuned. I think you're going to like this.

Fear and Honesty: Connectedness

2009-06-01T20:14:00.000-07:00

And so, suddenly, last week this book jumped off a shelf at me again. My own shelf. This time I caught it and chose to embrace it. I haven't finished it yet, but it already has changed me.

Change, and yet not change. For I am beginning to feel my way towards a balance in the tension between Jesus being my binding and my center, and still honoring this pull I have had inside me since childhood. I'm not off on some rabbit trail of syncretism, but rather an integration of a place deep within me into my existing relationship with the Jesus I hold to. I have no interest in other gods, for I have always known my God better than I know my own heartbeat. But there is something that has been missing from every expression of Christianity I have ever known; a recognition of the hand of the divine in the earth and it's history and that which grows and lives and upon it and surrounding it.

As I have read, it has swirled around in me, altered my perspective, or better put, it has brought about an admission of a perspective I have held so long. Being tied to the past, to the people and the mountains and the earth. To have story and myth and connectedness, not only linear connectedness, one to another. Not only vertical connectedness to Spirit, but circular connectedness to past and future life. To honor the living things that God has put here to allow us to live. To be kind to this mother whom nurses us and grows us up. To respect and hold the wind and the water and the green and the desert that are all part of our continued existence.

More later...

Fear and Honesty: The Pagan Stacks
Fear and Honesty: Connectedness
Fear and Honesty: Diverting from the Norm
Fear and Honesty: You are what You Read

Fear and Honesty: The 'Pagan' Stacks

2009-05-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

There are areas in which I have struggled to be completely honest with myself. Whether for fear of the unknown, fear of the consequences, fear of the religious voices in my head becoming angry, I regardless cannot avoid them indefinitely, for I have come to know that all the hidden places are meant to see light, eventually. The answer resides not in perpetual avoidance, but timing; not if I come to a place of examining it, but when. I believe wholeness is simply the willingness to be in touch with one's whole self, therefore, I am as a mighty Viking, armed and off to take some new territory in the uncharted corners of my soul. A new season of understanding and wholeness approaches.

It all began with a book. Well, really, it all began when I was born, but that would be too long a story, no doubt. So, I'll say it began with a book. I bought this book on a whim, maybe two years ago, at Powell's City of Books. There among the stacks and stacks, it jumped out at me off a Pagan shelf in the metaphysics section; a section I had previously always passed by with my nose in the air, resisting evil like a good girl. For whatever reason, on this day I had stopped and turned left toward 'Paganism' instead of right toward 'Bibles' (ironic?), feeling very much like a Christian caught with a Playboy Magazine. Looking over my shoulder to be certain no one I knew saw me, I began to read the spines. That's when the binding of this book appeared before me.

And without thinking too seriously, I bought it. I took it home and immediately read a chapter or two. Then I quickly put it aside, because it wasn't something I was able to face at that point in my life. I actually hid it, as if it possessed some power just by my looking at it. But, I didn't get rid of it, either, because it intrigued me and I knew the day would come when I was ready. I'm sure some people would think me ridiculous, but if you had been indoctrinated against this type of thing as I have, it would make sense.

Oh, I didn't tell you the name of the book? Silly me.

The Red-Haired Girl from the Bog: The Landscape of Celtic Myth and Spirit, by Patricia Monaghan.

Now, don't go getting your theology in a twist.

More later.

Fear and Honesty: The Pagan Stacks
Fear and Honesty: Connectedness
Fear and Honesty: Diverting from the Norm
Fear and Honesty: You are what You Read

PSA

2009-05-27T08:41:00.001-07:00

There will be something new coming to life on June 1st.

Just sayin'.

*Wink*

So enough about me...

2009-05-14T06:13:00.001-07:00

I haven't provided an update on my mom in law for some time. First, here's a recap, for those who may not know. (You can also read some of my other posts on the topic here, here, here, and here.)

A little over a year ago, my 67 year old mom in law began having severe headaches one weekend. They went to the doctor and had a brain scan, where they discovered a large tumor. She went to a neurologist, and fortunately they were quite confident the tumor was benign, but they felt it needed to be removed immediately, nonetheless. So her surgery was scheduled a few weeks later, which was May 29th of 2008. This was to be a relatively "routine" procedure as brain surgery goes, and it was said she would be in the hospital for a few days and then in a rehabilitation facility for a couple of weeks.

To make a long story short, leaving out a vast number of details because it would take all day...all did not go as planned. The tumor turned out to be much larger and more challenging to remove than they had anticipated, requiring more damage to her brain to remove than initially expected. Her recovery did not happen as planned, and the entire summer was spent in and out of hospitals and nursing homes. It took all summer, but eventually we figured out she had had a stroke shortly after the surgery (within hours) and was having seizures due to hydrocephalus (why it took three months to diagnose these things is another long and unfortunate story). In mid August she was put on anti-seizure medicine, and in early September she had a brain shunt put in to drain fluid. She also had a g-tube put in, and she has been in a nursing home ever since. The good news is that friends of the family run this home, and therefore we were all able to know she was receiving good care.

Progress has been hit-or-miss since September. She slowly regained some of her ability to communicate, and with physical therapy she made some strides in getting her mobility back. But it was slow going. In (I'm trying to remember) late February, my dad in law took her back to the neurologist for an evaluation, and was told she had improved more than any of the doctor's other patients. She was finally getting stronger, more alert, more able to participate in her various kinds of therapy.

So three weeks ago saw her moved to an excellent rehabilitation center, where she received hours per day of speech, occupational, physical, and daily-living therapy. She made huge strides, even as much as she complained about the "slave drivers" (her own words) and not having time to even watch TV while she was there. (She had become quite accustomed to watching TV for hours per day at the nursing home, because she couldn't do much else). When we visited her a few days ago, I couldn't believe the change -- I hadn't been there to the rehabilitation center, before so the improvement was incredible to me.

Her progress is no small victory, she has had to fight hard, as has my dad in law and all the people supporting him, to make this happen for her. He has advocated for her in huge ways to see that she gets all the care she needs, and he has been relentless in pursuing whatever treatments may help her to improve. Over the last few weeks he has spent countless hours at the rehabilitation center, learning how to care for her.

Well, yesterday, she finally went home, almost a year later. She still requires care, but care that is manageable by my father in law, with help. Last night, she slept in her own bed for the first time sine May 29th of last year. She can walk a few steps at a time and this is improving every day, she is learning to maneuver her wheelchair a bit, she is communicative, able to feed herself, able to help dress herself, able to use the bathroom with assistance, and many other things she hasn't been able to do for so very long.

To me, the most exciting part of all this is her personality. She's back. Finally. It's so beautiful to see her being herself, joking, laughing and being sarcastic. I remember -- way back last summer, in the most difficult days when the doctors said he probably ought to let her go, -- I remember telling my dad in law "She's still in there", even when it was so hard to believe. But it was true, she just needed time, help and healing for it to show again.

I'm now asking for your prayers, that my dad in law is up to the task of being her primary care-giver, that he doesn't become too fatigued, that mom continues to improve, and prayers of thankfulness that she has come so incredibly far. In August we weren't sure if she would even make it, and even a couple of months ago we still weren't certain she would ever go home. Now we're there. Amazing.

Admitting Defeat

2009-05-12T19:40:00.001-07:00

Most of you know I suffer from Type II diabetes. I was diagnosed a little over 3 years ago, just months after my sister was diagnosed and a few years after my dad. I have primarily controlled it with diet and exercise, but last fall I fell off the wagon, so to speak. The emotional stresses I was under, paired with the time consuming nature of some of those stresses, really set me back. I think I consciously exercised three times in three months. I stopped testing, because honestly I didn't want to know, believing I would get back to task "soon". Bad move, but most other Type II diabetics will likely understand.

After the new year I was back to the plan, returning to my exercise routine. In late January my mom was diagnosed with heart failure, and I vowed I would do something about my heart's condiditon now. At the end of February I was unceremoniously elected captain of our relay team, and decided it was time to get serious...really serious...to be a good example and to take the bull by the horns. So I did, more dedicated than ever, not only to controlling the diabetes but to shed (hopefully) 30 lbs in the process. I have eliminated artificial ingredients from my diet, especially targeting artificial sweeteners, cutting back my diet coke consumption dramatically (my only remaining vice). I adopted salad as at least one meal per day, and no, not swimming in dressing. I consume primarily real food, often raw, and have opted to only buy packaged food (for myself) if I recognize the name of all the ingredients as actually being food. I have rescued my family from many of these things, and from HFCS entirely (with the exception of a few things we already had in the house -- did you know that the FIRST ingredient in some name-brand applesauce is high fructose corn syrup? I didn't). Along with all that, I'm counting calories, fat, protein, carbs, and fiber, and managing things pretty tightly now. I know how to do this, it's not rocket science; if you do A, B and C, the results will generally be D. I've been to enough Weight Watchers meetings in my life to know this.

Alongside this, as some of you know, I took on training as my pastime --racewalking, to be precise. Most weeks I'm sweating for 12-15 hours, sometimes twice per day, pushing myself hard, and in ways I never have before. I have to say I'm in the best condition of my life (though I won't say I have ever been an athlete). My heart is far healthier, I can do more cardio, longer than ever before.

However...10 weeks of this has led to almost total discouragement. I haven't dropped a single pound, I haven't shrunk a single inch, and my blood glucose is very nearly more out of control than ever before -- and I have had no trouble controlling it in the past with 1/4 the amount of exercise I'm doing now. Go figure. I do know from prior experience, and from doing my homework, that these things can take time to regulate after a drastic change, especially in a diabetic who has been less-than-disciplined for a period of time. So I have been patient, biding my time; but I have never known this to continue in this way, with a seemingly complete lack of success in every area, for so long. I've cried a lot, I'll admit.

I have been reluctant to go to the Doctor, because, quite frankly, perfectionist that I am, it is terrifying to admit defeat. I like things to be logical, especially scientific things like this. When it's not, it means something is beyond my control, and I don't know what that something is. Having worked hard to be honest and do the right thing, and having my husband as my witness, I'm totally baffled. For a month I have believed if I just pushed through it, eventually all my effort would catch up with me, and so it seemed stupid to waste money on the Doctor. But I'm at the breaking point; something's gotta give.

So here I am...starting a 12 hour fast so I can have a complete work-up done in the morning. I'll go back next week for the results, which I'm sure will not surprise me, but hopefully the Doc will have some idea what to do about all of it. Thyroid would seem the obvious culprit, however, I had it checked two years ago and all was normal. It would stand to reason, seeing as how such a high percentage of women with diabetes will see thyroid failure at some point. It would cover both my stagnant weight and my uncontrolled sugar, both of which are clearly not caused by something external at this point. What I fear the most, though, is being told there isn't any medical reason why this has happened, because I can do little more than I already have. I can't comprehend how this will work if they can't identify a cause or present a solution.

In the big picture, I realize it's not that significant. A good friend of mine is losing her hair in the throes of chemotherapy for breast cancer. But we all know that while a broad perspective is noble, a narrow one is reality.

There's something primitive and spiritual in all this...the willingness to know what we cannot control and willingness to believe that the things we cannot control, we will be given strength to endure. It's hard to give anything to God, especially when we think there is something we are supposed to do about it. Sometimes we just have to rest in it, without knowing what comes next.

Promise of a New Day: Epilogue

2009-05-04T21:36:00.000-07:00

This series excited me at the beginning, but as time wore on it began to tire me; as it surely has you, those who may still be reading. I have wanted to be done with it, to move on to something else, but felt compelled to finish it nonetheless. In doing so, I have asked myself, what is missing? What have I been trying to say that has taken so many words to express? Haven't I said so much of this before?

In summary, I have found that I do still consider myself a Christian. I must accept that my definition of Christian must be primarily internal and personal, but my practice of Christian must be external and outward.

All that said, my heart is towards others who are coming out of the religious system and need a safe place to land and be granted the freedom to heal. My process would have been easier had I sooner found those who have walked with me through it, and I can't help but wish that for everyone. I have a sense of direction for that, and am beginning to sift through the rubble of my journey looking for that which is worth sharing.

I have felt that in order to move forward I have to decide my spiritual orientation. That orientation has landed in decidedly Christian, but with a broad expanse of beliefs and many beautiful places that I now allow myself to be in. It is an orientation rather than a label...for a label serves to separate and classify, an orientation simply points in a direction. And I have known for some time that I could not move forward until I was willing to commit to an orientation.

Awhile ago I spoke of searching...in my mind, four years ago the word Christian meant some very specific things. When I found I could no longer claim many of those things, logic initially dictated that I was therefore no longer a Christian. The question then arose: If I'm not Christian, then what am I? And I embarked on a quest, trying on many different robes looking for the one that fit. Still, everywhere I went I saw Jesus...he was there in the messages, in the belief systems, in the ideas I waded throug and the holy books I studied. There was simply no escaping his hand, his touch, his evidence.

I can't tell you how badly I wanted to be something, anything, other than Christian. There was nothing uglier than that from which I came. Surely I'm a Druid or a Buddhist...and yet I found so much of what I was running from also existed in these places I looked to find my escape. I found that no matter where you go, your spirituality will be dictated, at least in part, by others. There are always rules, always rituals, always something that demands clinging to in order to wear that label. A label is never free, it always comes with a definition one must claim. None of the other definitions fit me any more than my perceived definition of 'Christian'.

In the end, I found the single orientation I can bear to cling to is that of Jesus himself. If he is the one thing I am willing and able to take with me through all my spiritual travels, I know I am safe. He is free, and can go anywhere. He is in the mountains and the wind, he is in the chanting and the meditations. He is there for the taking, waiting to be found, to be seen through the trees that cloud our vision if only we are willing to let go of the idols and sacred cows we so deeply desire to fence us in.

It seems to me humanity doesn't know what to do with itself when there isn't something with which to establish boundaries. We fear that slippery slope, that never-never land that awaits if we step outside our box and actually feel the breeze and the rain. We always desire to classify so that we know what we are dealing with. We speak theoretically of freedom, especially within Christianity, but we are unable to embrace it in its unadulterated form. In our minds, it must always come with a limit, a price, for that would simply be too good to be true, and you know what your mother told you about that. We might long for the wildflowers, but are content with the flowerbeds in the yard, because who knows what lurks out in the wild, but surely it is fearsome.

And yet, the wide open spaces of Jesus are just that, wide open. He is here and there; he is everywhere, if we just shed our human fear of true freedom and reach out for it, for him.

Yes, I still have boundaries; he gives them to me as needed. I know the places I must not go, the forbidden forests of my life. But it is he who designs these for me, no other, and out of love, rather than from of a need to lord his power over me. Sometimes he allows me to test the edges, or to seek out some new territory all together. Some days I bolt for new places, and other days I gingerly stick my toe in. Sometimes he says "Run"! Smetimes he waits until I ask, usually after falling on my face, and he lifts me up and says, "Best not go there again." I believe the boundaries of his wide open spaces are personal, and no two people will have all the same ones. So therefore I must not attempt to assert my personal boundaries on another, but believe he is as capable of directing they as he is myself.

I have found life and life abundant. I love with abandon, I serve with compassion, I listen with my heart and soul. I never think twice about an imaginary rule, a doctrine or theological mandate. Who cares? It's my nature to over-think things, to want to write my beliefs in nice straight lines, to be able to answer what I believe and to be accepted for it. But honestly, those days are over, for I have found Him while I wandered, and in him I am never lost.

Promise of a New Day I
Promise of a New Day II
Promise of a New Day III
Promise of a New Day IV
Promise of a New Day V
Promise of a New Day: Epilogue

Promise of a New Day V

2009-05-04T06:31:00.000-07:00

In my previous post, I spoke of the revelation (much thanks to Gary) of an idea that the label of "Christian" needs to be internally driven (what does it mean to me?) rather than externally driven (what does it mean to others?). This has set me free to retain a label that I have been trying to reject for over four years. Now, there are entirely new arguments about faith being me-centric, but that's for another time. Selfish, maybe, but if I can remain a 'Christian' in spite of my adversity towards anyone telling me what/where/how to believe, it's a good thing.

This epiphany recalibrates everything I have been anti- these last years. Suddenly I'm not on the outside harboring an us vs. them mentality. I am one of them, because I chose to accept the label in spite of it's flaws. I will be the first and loudest to tell you I have been bitter, oh so very , very bitter. Hurt, angry and abandoned, I have been beating my fists against the ghosts of what happened once, in one person's life (mine), in one situation. This is unfair, for it forces me to invalidate all the good and life-affirming others might find within the walls of the institution. However, I firmly grip those for whom these same failures in the church have been agonizing and murderous to their faith. I am not one; we are many.

Likewise, I have no motivation to convince others to retain the label if they choose to reject it, because I know the pain that is wrapped up in a single word and cannot dictate healing from that pain for anyone. I will always and forever have a heart deeply rooted in running triage for those who escape, broken and bleeding and desperate someone to bandage their wounds and hold their hand. The church can be the most evil force in a persons life, and I will never defend the institution against accusations that it has performed many a delicate or unnecessary surgery without anesthesia. However, God is available apart from the church, and to some of us he is more available apart.

Once, not long before my church fiasco, I remember a friend telling me that the only place she ever felt God was inside the walls of a church. I said, "That's funny, church is the only place I don't feel God." Very panentheistic of me at the time, and it is still mostly true to this day. Being inside walls and trying to meet God feels to me like wearing a too-small shoe. It can be done, but only for short spells and rarely, at that.

The label of 'Christian' was originally accepted by the disciples as a symbol of freedom, but has become a prison for many. I desire to evidence, in my own life and faith that this freedom truly does exist. However we choose to worship, however we choose to practice, however we choose to believe, if Jesus is our life-giver, he is always available to us. There is no mandate other than to love. There is no purpose to our lives other than to love. There is no truth other than love. For through the lens of love, all other things become clear.

All that being said, I have been seeing the light, the true base of what I want to work towards. I rail against all those things which wounded me, even while in the depths of my subconscious knowing that those same things don't wound everyone. I don't want to see any systems fall as long as a single person is honestly filled through that system. Yes, of course I will continue to do battle against the forces that would drive mean, malicious, hateful words or behaviors, one Christian towards another, because in them there is no love. However, my main passion isn't to do away with anything, but to make people who are hurting keenly aware that they are not chained to any one expression of Christianity. There is freedom, and true freedom is to serve Christ as we are led, to worship in the way we find life, to find his everpresence in the places he awaits us, each individually. Tearing down the institution would be forever a futile effort, however, some people no longer belong to it. It's my goal not to set them free from the chains of the church, but to show them the chains never existed in the first place, they only have to choose not to wear them.

Next: Epilogue

Promise of a New Day I
Promise of a New Day II
Promise of a New Day III
Promise of a New Day IV
Promise of a New Day V
Promise of a New Day: Epilogue

Promise of a New Day IV

2009-04-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

A simple explanation for why I haven't been around more: I'm training. For me, training is a huge undertaking, as I'm not in great shape to start with. This week it was about 15 hours: 30 miles of walking, plus weights, bike and stairmaster. I am not looking for kudos for that, my point is, this time takes me away from other things I should be doing. The other really interesting side effect, as I'm into week 4 of this routine, is I have an abundance of energy many days. This means when I'm home, I feel rather disinclined to sit and read blogs and write. In fact, I can't sit still some days...so many other neglected things are getting done around here...but the blog...not so much.

In my last post we discussed labels. Or, more specifically, the label of Christian. My friend Gary has been addressing this recently; the question of whether or not we ought to retain the label of Christian, even with its resident baggage. As well there is a post I found through a FB update by Jim Palmer, addressing the issue of the "Christian" label from another angle. Nicole got in on this topic, and Jeff has written about it several times recently. Apparently this is something many people have on their minds.

The big question: To be or not to be...a 'Christian', that is.

In my last post, Jon said,

"it is not so much what [the label of 'Christian'] does to YOU that is the problem, it is what it does to the "hearer" of the label and all the assumptions about you that get heaped on once the word is uttered."

Over the last few years I have come to generally reject the label of 'Christian' for all it's negative connotations that are impossible to avoid. However, when reading one of Gary's posts, it occurred to me that maybe the problem is more simply resolved than trying to create a new label that I feel accurately represents my faith. Instead, I wonder if it only matters from what angle we are looking at the label.

In one of his posts, Gary says,

"I am looking at trying to define who I am primarily for my own internal orientation, a point of reference. I am not trying to adopt a label off the shelf and make it mine. I am trying to take a shopworn label and apply my own meaning to it for my own reference."

I think maybe the definition of the label 'Christian' must arise from some internal orientation, rather than an external expectations. Maybe Christians' collective problems with others' practice of the Christian faith comes from the refusal to accept that our angle on faith is internally driven, that each of us is called to a different place in the faith from the Spirit within, and we ought to prize our own place more than we worry about someone else's place being different than ours. Likewise, maybe those who make assumptions about Christians from outside the faith need to realize that 'Christian' is a broad term, with many possible variations.

Not to suggest that we go around announcing our faith to anyone who will hear it, but as an argument point: if I identify myself as Christian and someone who does not know me chooses not to know me for simply that reason, whose responsibility is that. Really? Likewise, if I identify myself as Christian, and someone who doesn't know me chooses to get to know me, they will find by my attitude and actions just what "kind" of Christian I really am. I am not self-righteous, judgemental, critical, bible-beating. I simply follow Jesus' mandate to LOVE.

This realization was intense and profound to me, deeply changing the way I see myself and my chosen faith persuasion. If I choose to apply a label because it reflects what is resounding in my own soul, I can embrace it because it is uniquely mine. In the pit of my soul, the word 'Christian' means I have chosen to seek Jesus as my way. Nothing more, no additives, no preservatives. Unadulterated Jesus.

And I leave you with this little tidbit of wisdom, from "Break it Down Again" by Tears for Fears:

"When it's all mixed up
Better break it down
In the world of silence
In the world of sound

"It's in the way you're always hiding from the light
Fast off to heaven just like moses on a motorbike
No revolution
Maybe someone somewhere else
Could show you something new to help you with the ups and downs
I want to break it down
Break it down again

To be continued...

Promise of a New Day I
Promise of a New Day II
Promise of a New Day III
Promise of a New Day IV
Promise of New Day V
Promise of a New Day: Epilogue

Promise of a New Day III

2009-04-15T07:37:00.000-07:00

I have been slow to continue this series for lack of time to write, but please bear with me...there are at least three more after this one. I am getting somewhere, but it's a long thought process.

Some people think the spiritual wanderlust I mentioned in the previous post can lead to dangerous places; there is that slippery slope everyone fears. However, it's how I choose to live...because I believe my faith must not become "THE way", not for me or for anyone else. Ever. I have been wandering for over four years, and I can promise you I have not fallen off the edge of Christianity. Of course, depending on your perspective, you may think I have. It could be that I'm simply deluded, but I would say Jesus is such a reality in my life that I doubt that; I have tried to shake him in the past, but he clings to me like spandex.

This wanderlust is the comfortable reality for me, but it comes with a problem. If I believe it is acceptable for myself to wander through the forests of changing beliefs, knowing I'll never have it ALL right, I have to believe that is true for everyone else, as well. I have to learn not to treat people as if my way is THE way. I need to never portray that I have all the mysteries of the Christian faith, or even some of them, solved. I have to choose to be open to my own future movement, with the unpleasant likelihood that I am wrong about some things. Many things even, at least as much as I believe others are wrong.

Jeff said recently that the Word is not a weapon to use against our brethren. I completely agree, but would take it one step further to add that our particular Christian methodology is not a weapon, either; any method by which we identify who is doing it "right" and who is not frustrates me. We're all in this together. The True "Way" is a Person, not any system we might create. Please know I realize I'm enormously guilty of this attitude.

Yes, there have been many issues I have had with how Christianity is traditionally "done". I'm not saying that all ways are equally acceptable; I'm saying that any ONE way is not THE way; neither my way nor any other way. Or focus is too often on beliefs or practices as a means of separating groups of Christians, and not often enough on the one thing that unifies them: Christ. As a generalization, all the various persuasions of Christians believe they are "doing it right"; that all other Christians ought to believe or practice as they do. This is the primary reason I reject labels; they are useless for anything other than to separate one from another. Separation leads to arguments, arguments to ugliness. All this bickering has led Christians to often have a bad name...for if we cannot even treat other Christians with grace, what use are we to the world?

I have even considered dropping the label of "Christian"; though I don't know what to adopt in it's place. and it feels uncomfortable to be label-free. And yet, the rejection of the traditional label could easily be considered a label unto itself; the label of 'rebel'?

Promise of a New Day I
Promise of a New Day II
Promise of a New Day III
Promise of a New Day IV
Promise of a New Day V
Promise of a New Day: Epilogue

Risen!

2009-04-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

RISEN!

Promise of a New Day II

2009-04-08T08:31:00.000-07:00

I'll be first in line to tell you that I know nothing, and I reserve the right to correct myself at any time. However, I have come to the conclusion that the key to healthy faith is an ongoing and continuous "movement", and therefore this place I've settled is not the right place for me. Any transformation of faith I undergo cannot be seen as the end result, comfortable as it might be.

Someone smack me if I ever think I've "arrived".

Faith is fluid and possibly even could be perceived as antithetical to itself in it's constant state of evolution. Any concept that tries, either deliberately or inadvertently, to make Christianity into something textbook or formulaic is no longer on my radar, because it will inevitably believe it is "right", stagnating and becoming proud in its own correctness. Kinda like me. OK, so I don't know anything; we've already established that.

I think this is a contributing factor to why I haven't been writing as much. I have stagnated. I have developed a sense of apathy towards this place I have landed, and a sense of pride for having become so "progressive". There has to be more...this can't be everything there is to spirituality. And yet, I have found myself patting myself on the back, congratulating myself for how far I've come, and enjoying, just a little too much, the comfort of this now familiar place.

The sense of restlessness is deep, and as much as I try to ignore it, it begs to be heard. I owe my life to the "emerging conversation", for I would not still be here if I hadn't found something that validated my journey and saved me from the pain I was in. It's a debt of gratitude for the voices, both small and large, I owe for seeing me through this season of resolving my faith and finding my freedom; and I will forever value the relationships I have developed. Yet, I can't make my camp here.

That may sound like a "goodbye"; I assure you it's not. After months of feeling lost in a spiritual fog, I have begun to see light again. I've wondered these last months where my apathy has come from, and if nothing else, spiritual boredom. I have to be challenged for my faith to survive. As much as I'd love to settle into a label and call it good, I cannot. You see, I have been searching for the place I belong, the label that "fits"; I have failed miserably. Or, more accurately, I have missed the point entirely. Once again I've sought solace in a label or a methodology, wanting to belong to something. I have looked to books to tell me I have it right, I have looked to others to validate me. I have wanted to stay here, in this comfortable, familiar place. But I cannot, for the point is not finding the label that fits, but in continuing to seek out Jesus, wherever that may take me.

One could easily say that my wanderlust is a dangerous thing. You may worry that, as I prance around the outskirts of "normative" Christianity, I'll fall off the edge and out into the space that is pluralism. But like the earth, Christianity is not flat, it is round, and possesses a gravity that I cannot escape. So I'll continue to prance, explore new territory, and fear not.

Still, something tells me that moving forward doesn't always mean leaving the prior thing behind.

To be continued....

Promise of a New Day I
Promise of a New Day II
Promise of a New Day III
Promise of a New Day IV
Promise of a New Day V
Promise of a New Day: Epilogue

Promise of a New Day

2009-04-02T15:58:00.000-07:00

Anyone care to speculate what has happened to us? While I know many neighborhoods in the intangible world are thriving, it seems mine has become nearly a ghost town. Many people aren't posting, many people aren't commenting. Some people are closing their blogs or signing off permanently.

Where have all the cowboys gone?

Whatever this virus is, I have it too. Is there an antidote for thoroughly-bored-of-hearing-myself-speak? Nate says I will be here for a looong time. I would like to think so, but if the last few months are any indication, I have my doubts.

No matter, what's done is done. It's highly indicative of the world today. Times they are a-changing. Many of us don't have the luxury of spending as many hours composing blog posts as we did a year ago. We have more on our minds, more to worry about in the future, and more real life to deal with. The change in the economy is much like when Ben Linus turned the wheel in the Orchid Station on 'Lost'; there is no way to project the repercussions, they are far-reaching and unpredictable.

Much of my out-loud processing is being done in the presence of Rosalie, my Spiritual Director, these days; for I need to be challenged, to be asked pointed questions, and to be coaxed through the birth canal of my spiritual stuck-ness. She brings out the dreams in me, but also the hindrances to those dreams. I often awake sensing a new aroma on the wind, something my nose tries to follow, and I move closer each day, but so far not reaching it's source. It's something calling me out; picture Mark Metcalf screaming "Whadya wanna do with your life?" Um...

There is still fire in our bellies, no doubt. I hear it in the conversations I have with my online "neighbors", see it in the actions they take and the struggles they face. This change in our spiritual DNA isn't always easy to endure, and requires a retreating into ourselves from time to time, absorbing our new ideas and getting to know our new body. One day, again, we will surface for air and see a new frontier yet again, stretching out beyond where we presently stand, and we will walk, again measuring out territory.

Well, I have been below the surface for some months now, processing some new and newly revealed situations in my life and working at turning my head toward the future and away from the past. Somewhere out there is my new territory.

In case you wondered, I do have some ideas about where that new territory may lie and how I might find it. Stay tuned, this post is already too long, and so I must divide it.

Be encouraged, there is hope on the horizon.

Promise of a New Day I
Promise of a New Day II
Promise of a New Day III
Promise of a New Day IV
Promise of a New Day V
Promise of a New Day: Epilogue

The 'Bass' Argument

2009-03-25T16:55:00.000-07:00

In case you aren't on Facebook and hadn't heard, my nearly 13 year old wants a subwoofer for his birthday. In fine teenager form, he sent me an e-mail explaining why he should have a subwoofer. Here it is, exactly as written.

"Hi mom i know that you aren't sure about me getting a sub woofer here are some reasons i want one and here is a link to the one i want.
http://www.svsound.com/products-sub-box-10nsd.cfm
Oh and I will pay half of the sub woofer plus you can charge me interest if you want to. I want it because I am so addicted to bass and my speakers just don't deliver enough bass for me. I have heard dads sub woofer and realize that even his small one has better bass than my speakers. Plus with a sub woofer and bass speakers i will have the ultimate bass system but don't worry I will not play them if you ask me not to or will at least turn them down [after I argue why not to turn them down or off]. Uncle Andrew is going to get me a bunch of bass mekanik stuff [or he said he would and I wached him look for it] so that will sound just plane great with the sub woofer. I know for a fact that you like bass to so I don't think you would mind it too much. I will also play it a lot when your gone so that it absolutely can't bother you. I know what your thinking by now "oh i thought he wanted a PSP really bad why does he want this too. All he thinks about is buy buy buy." Well i do think about buy buy buy all the time but you know doesn't everybody for example dad is always talking about how he wants stuff for bikes and drums and racing and I know you agree. Also you always want clothes and technology [like phones and computers and laptops for example]. Also I know that I wanted a PSP but you know I have thought about it and I think that video games are not that important any more because skateboarding and stuff like that is just as fun or more fun plus you get exercise. As I have said before I love love love low and loud bass so I think I need a sub woofer for bass mekanik and other stuff plus rob zombie has some good base [in fact one of there songs has a low whistle that goes really low and you can almost feel it in your nerves]. Well now you know thatI i need and want a sub woofer for my birthday and remember I will pay half and you can charge watever amount of interest you want [within a resonable range like 1-30$ a month].

And there you have it. Nevermind that the sub he wants is $400 and we already have one "average" sub in the house, which he has been monopolizing for some time now. The "interest" thing is because he doesn't actually have the cash to pay half until he has spent the spring/summer mowing lawns. I doubt we would charge him, but I'm glad he understands that aspect of borrowing money.

My brother (the above-mentioned Uncle Andrew) is a self-described "bass snob" and sub-20Hz aficionado, suggested the SVS. While I know SVS would be a fantastic way to go, it's seeming to be more than we want to spend on a birthday present, even if our son does pay for some of it himself.

Do any of you audiophiles out there have a recommendation for a bit more "moderately" priced sub that will satisfy a 13 year old for a few years, but still deliver nice bass?

Ch-ch-changes

2009-03-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

I feel like it's spring, even if it really is, but even if it doesn't really seem like it...it feels like spring in my soul. There has been so much going on with me, but so much I am choosing not to talk about publicly. Some of it is too personal (strange for me, yeah?) and some is difficult to write about without misunderstandings. But tonight I'm listening to my very nearly teenage son blast bass music on our subwoofer, so I decided to put my headphones on and do some writing.

I've been seeing Rosalie for 10 weeks (ever other week) now, Friday will be my sixth visit. It's amazing to me how much we can learn about ourselves when we simply listen to ourselves talk. Rosalie has pointed out some really interesting issues, things I have always known there was a problem with, but couldn't quite articulate.

One is more or less what I covered in the post 'Anvils'. I'm still struggling with setting boundaries and not taking on other people's problems. Another is having to do with validating my own pain and grief of the last year, and not letting other people's problems overshadow or invalidate it. I'm a minimizer of my own pain. I'm not yet clear on why, but I'm fairly sure it has to do with wanting not to contribute to others' pain...so I keep it to myself. This internalization isn't healthy for me, my ulcer can tell you that, and it's come to a point when I have to change the way I relate and the way I process pain.

It's a hard place to be, because I am still not adept at clarifying this to people without seeming mean; I'm guessing that is a learned behavior. Also, because I have always been one to shoulder other people's pain so well, but am coming to a place where it's harmful to me to continue doing it in some contexts, presents me as quite different in some people's perceptions. Good ol' strong Erin isn't wanting to be quite so strong, and this is out of character for me, even if it is healthier, it seems foreign.

Seeing how all these things play into my spirituality has been fascinating. It has shifted much of my blame for my painful church experiences from others onto my own life experiences. In other words, at least as much is broken in me as is broken in the people I have until now chosen to blame. Don't get me wrong, this isn't evidence of me taking responsibility for other people's behavior, because some of it was quite wrong. However, I do know that if I was a healthier person, I never would have gotten myself into the mess I did. Then again, I had to go through it to come to this place of healing, so it all works together for good. But what happened isn't solely the responsibility of the people who behaved in the ways which hurt me.

I want more than anything to grow into a healthier person, and hopefully pursue some avenue of being something helpful to other people. I'm feeling with this time I'm spending with Rosalie, that maybe eventually I will find that avenue.

Feeling more alive, more whole and having a new perspective on my life, both looking back and looking forward, and having hope that I haven't had in a very long time, that one day I will not only recover but thrive.

So what's new with you?

Mother/Daughter/Mother

2009-03-08T21:04:00.000-07:00

Before I step into this post, I would like to point you to Julie Clawson's blog, where she has compiled a list links to everyone who participated in today's International Women's Day Synchroblog. I would love to say I have time to read and comment on all the beautiful posts that everyone has put so much time into, but I was away all weekend and have too much to catch up on now. I do want to hug you all, to send love your way, for taking time out of your lives to speak on this subject.

I had signed up to participate in the synchroblog, but I didn't. Last week I knew it was approaching, and I put a good deal of thought into it, but failed to find any inspiration to get a post written. Then, Wednesday evening, the opportunity came up for the kids and I to go to the coast with my mom for the weekend. While busy catching up on laundry and packing, the synchroblog received nary a thought. Saturday night it did occur to me, but I was away and it was too late. Still, I don't want it to slip by without a mention.

I might not be writing on women of the bible or how to aid the lives of women in third-world nations. However, in the scope of my own life, what I have to say is no less important. I spent this weekend with my mom, who could have easily died a month ago, with a new appreciation for what it means for her to be my mother, and for I to be her daughter. No less, with my boys, I couldn't help but think about what it means for me to their mother. Three generations spent the weekend together, doing nothing in particular other than looking at the ocean, swimming in the pool, and watching tv, together. A weekend spent in mother and daughter relationships.

It was a simple thing, not seeming too profound or extraordinary. So often, we don't stop long to give a thought to the value of being female. We bear a host of responsibilities, we nurture and love in a priceless way. We alone have the ability to bring life into this world. We raise up that life, watching it grow into adulthood, and step into their own parenting roles.

We bring continuity to the human race, the circle of life, the passing on of mother/daughter/mother...and on into infinity. It is the beauty of perpetuity, and the grace our Father-Mother in heaven has bestowed upon us as women, wives, mothers, and lovers. This weekend, it didn't escape my attention.