Deep Funny

Ugly Clay Children

2012-10-04T17:50:00.001-07:00

Among my various experiments, hobbies and creative kicks I have acquired a large blob of clay. It is grey and has some firing point I forget and needs a certain amount of cones ...whatever. It is clay and I want to make something. Specifically I want to make a clay vessel. I use that term loosely as anything I would fire up would never get vitrified enough to hold water and would seep and leak.

I should be so lucky if I could manage to make something that would seep. Almost everything I have attempted that would be vessel like has either exploded in the fire pit ( just place them in or near a fire we might have burning outside) or has promptly dissolved back into dust the moment I pace it decoratively on a table.

I tried again this early Spring. I did a simple pinch pot method, dried it as best I could and placed it near the edge of a red hot fire pit, occasionally turning the pieces to get an even burn. Then I carefully placed the hot pieces in the fire coals itself.

The spectacular explosions and showers of crackling sparks was very exciting. However it left me with nothing but sharp pieces of rubble barely fit for the drain layer in the planters. Undeterred I purchased a child's potters wheel.

The wheel and assembly was brightly colored plastic in primary colors. I stuffed it with batteries and was good to go. After wedging any air out of the clay I smooshed the ball in the center of the wheel and proceeded to paint the surrounding area with clay splatter while simultaneously giving myself a clay facial. Multitasking.

The first few attempts were disastrous messy, misshapen and I have no idea how an uncoordinated child with no patience would ever be able to craft anything but a wet clay missile launched in frustration. Resisting the urge to fling my sticky mess I slowed the speed and carefully nursed the lump along until it looked like a giant booger with a good sized hole in it. Eureka!

In fact I produced three smallish "vessels" that were quite cute, a little bottom heavy, but cute. Pots only a mother could love. They stayed drying in the sun room all Summer. I finally fired them three days ago. One popped and broke sounding like a musket being fired. The other two would pop and flake off shard on the base of the pots but did not lose all integrity.

I have them sitting on a window sill now. I might even paint them. They are unmistakably hideous. But they are mine and they make me smile. My ugly clay children.

Too old for saplings

2012-09-22T19:43:00.000-07:00

It is the first day of Fall. My gardens have endured torrential Spring rains, a Summer of drought and the crazy experiment of hugel kulture. They look like overgrown mortar craters. Now I know why nobody posts pictures of their raised beds after the harvest. They just look buffugly. Every garden is having a bad hair day.

The tomato plants, now crunchy and leggy are still producing the odd misshapen tomato fruit. The Giant Amaranth has either fallen over from the relentless wind or is putting out clusters of seed heads. I'm hoping for a decent harvest if the birds don't beat me to it.

None of the fruit trees have died yet but the Pecans look dubious. They are stunted, broken from hail and neglect. The once proud stand of Maples that circled the yard are also soon to see their last Winter. They are held together only because the termites are holding hands. The leaves have long fallen and the branches snap off, brittle and lifeless.

This is the progress of life and growing things. They flourish, nourish and then perish.I see bonfires in my future and lots of chipping and shredding to make mulch. I used to mourn the loss of a tree and now I just register it like I do a shooting star or a sunrise. I see it and say "Ah how beautiful, I saw it..."

Jane Fonda once said it was her indulgence to plant mature trees because she was too old for saplings. I use this wisdom to justify paying insane amounts of money for a bigger tree. I have let my grey hair show, refusing to dye it anymore. I don't want to look younger than my age. I am too old for saplings.

So Hawt!

2012-08-03T11:30:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to actually have a grasshopper jump from the shade and cook it self in mid flight because of the heat?! I'm pretty sure that is what I just saw. It is so epic hot that the dog went out to pee and just quietly collapsed. Poor thing. Now he has ice cubes in his dish and sleeps happily on the floor vent, enjoying the air conditioning.

He looks like a poodle version of the flying nun with his ears being blown gently up. I can even hang clothes outside and have them dried in minutes! I'm sure I could dry meat too but why? The air smells of ozone and burning tires. Birds just flop around not bothering to fly.

I believe that ice tea might just be the god of my idolatry right now. Anyone remember Winter? Anyone?

Damn you stink bugs!

2012-05-31T08:02:00.004-07:00

I douse the gardens with collected rainwater or use the hose if there is none in the buckets. The leaves of the plants glisten and water trickles down to soak the thirsty morning soil. Then I pause. Sometimes I munch on whatever is growing and producing like a crunchy snow pea or succulent strawberry.

Then they rise up, crawling, ugly stinkbugs/ squash bugs from the soil to sun themselves at the tops of the leaves. Dark brown, grey and charcoal against the bright green of the leaves they are easy to spot. Easy to kill. I wait till they are exposed and then squirt them with my water and dish soap mixture.

If I am lucky I catch them mating and get a two for one kill. They will not prevail this year. They will be suffocated with my diligence. I kill their babies too. Yes, I am a baby killer. I remove leaves they have laid eggs on and crush them all dead!

Damn you stink bugs! You will not hurt my precious pumpkins....my precious.

When Mountain Bikes Attack

2012-05-23T14:41:00.000-07:00

It was about an hour into a supposed 20 minute mountain bike ride that I began to wonder if this trail would ever end. Half the time I was off the bike pushing it uphill sweating and breathing hard. The other half of the time I was hurtling down the sides of cliffs white knuckling it with the bike rattling down rocky steps of the rutted and worn path.

I was grateful at least for that, the path was pretty clear, well not so clear that I was reaching the 1 and a half hour time mark on this 20 minute loop trail. I was actually passed by twice by the same cyclist at that point. I couldn't believe he lapped me and told him so.

He was a real mountain biker with the matching spandex outfit, camel back hydration unit on his back and special super shock absorber bicycle. He said he realized that I was way out of my league on that trail and came by to check up on me ( more like identify the body so he could tell the Ranger what mesa I fell off of.)
His other companions asked if I needed anything and I said I was fine. They were genuinely concerned. They encouraged me and said I was halfway there. HALFWAY!?

No longer playfully stopping to take pictures of butterflies and flowers I began to panic. I had two sips of water left and I was in over my head. I'm sure the city bike and the yoga pants were a dead giveaway. I mustered and continued my now grueling journey onward. Perhaps I should say upward.

While the valley plunges were exhilarating with bone rattling ferocity, the uphill climbs were a hot messy drain.The authentic cyclists peddled upward along the twisting path like spandex clad gladiators leaving me in their superior dust. I barely managed to push the bike up a foot at a time, breathing heavy and sweating.

Sweating was good right?! I mean you aren't supposed to panic until you stop sweating. Jeez, I hope I don't have to end up in some gross survival situation where I have to drink my pee. It was at that deliriously exhausted moment that I secretly hoped a snake would bite me and kill me before I had to drink pee.

I was alone now, not even the faint trace of dust in the air from the other bikers to keep me company. I was peddling so slowly that the butterflies were mocking me by flying circles through the spokes and laughing. I guess I wasn't entirely alone if you count the butterflies...and the buzzards!? Are you kidding me! F#cking buzzards doing areal reconacence on me as I gasped my way along this grossly under marked biking trail.

I'm still moving you rude bastards! I yelled at the buzzards. OK, I'm not really moving but I am resting and breathing! I shook my fists at them and said REALLY?! I kept my sense of humor by thinking of all the survival stuff I could like drinking pee, eating bugs ( yeah, not so cocky now you little punk butterflies.)

About this time I was out of water and sure my hubby was getting scared. I was getting scared. I couldn't see the other cyclists and began to wonder if I had taken some weird path and would end up in another county. I was frustrated at myself for pushing onward when I should have gone back maybe. ( However, being at the halfway point I did want to see the rest of the trail.) Stupid, stupid. I could feel the almost hot tears stinging. My legs ached and the prospect of the survival pee drink was looming as a reality.

Before I could feel sorry for myself I heard a small child crying. Out here in the dessert with only my entourage of hopeful buzzards and my dusty yoga pants and my hurt ego I hear a child crying. I never thought that I would be relieved at this sound but I was. Where there is a child there is sure to be parents, a mini van and perhaps even some water!

God bless that little family. They shared their water and the little boy patted my bike in admiration. They were nearly run over by the super bikers before me. He had been crying because he wanted to say hi to me when he saw me on the other side of the canyon. ( I had take too long to get to them.) I admitted I wanted to cry too. They pointed me in the right direction and I was buoyed up by their kindness to trundle on.

Another 30 minutes of crawling uphill and careening down limestone death stretches of path to go. I picked my way through a twisted shady forest so cool and enchanted I almost forgot how scared I was. I knew I was getting closer to camp. My butt hurt, not from the spine shattering clatter of uneven ground beneath the bike but from my constant clenching whenever I came up to a hair pin curve with a gut sinking drop off cliff.

I felt lucky though. I fell only once and in the grass not the copious cactus. As I pitched over and landed in a sweaty heap I merely said to myself " There you go." I wasn't sorry for myself just amused and tired. A borderline dehydrated out of body experience, I felt like I was watching myself in a really cheap survival movie.

Nearly there and the trail got worse. Steeper, more gravel, sharper turns, random cactus that reached out to grab at your ankles, so evil. I know somebody wrecked 'cause I saw the scrape marks, the skid and the impact in the cactus. This I avoided myself by humbly getting off the bike and walking it along.

I was still in tact. People had been kind to me. The bike was in great shape. Lots of air in the tires. The day was fair and not too hot. I captured several cool pictures on my phone from the adventure. I crested the highest peak and was hit by a glorious view and soughing breeze. Best of all I had phone reception! I fired off a few positive and comforting messages to my husband. He would surly get them when he drove up to the Rangers station to report me missing.

When we finally met back up his distress and concern was as palpable as a sauna. He said very little and held me. We have a new rule in the family now. 10 minutes out and 10 minutes back. No matter where I am I must go back at that time. Poor man he married a fool. A lucky fool!

Fishing for Fun

2012-05-01T14:21:00.001-07:00

Finally! Today after a year of talking about it, fantasizing about it and occasionally watching boring fishing shows on TV, I bought my very first fishing rod and reel.

I have been fishing before, with other peoples gear and even accidentally caught a Bass by the fin as it was swimming by. I also had my own Hawaiian sling when I still lived in the islands. I got one for me and one for my son so I could teach him how to spear fish.

It was a Mom thing at the time, I wanted to make sure he could catch fish and feed himself in the future. Primal but true.

This time I was buying a Caucasian style fishing pole to fish for fun. For Fun! What a concept. fishing was for dinner, plain and simple where I grew up. Now as I looked about me for entertainment I decided I should learn to fish with a pole. ( Those lakes I go camping at are to muddy to see in anyways so the spear wouldn't work.)

What I really wanted was a pink Barbie pole and tackle set like they have around Christmas time. Alas, there was only Spiderman and Hubby in his wisdom steered me toward a rod/reel set up with tackle kit and instructions on the back.

Armed with my new found treasure I waited at the Walmart customer service desk to get a fishing license...Fast forward another 30 minutes trying to track down someone in the sporting goods department and I had my permission slip from the government of Oklahoma to kill fish for a year!

Now I am going to practice casting from the couch in the TV room and wait for the next camping trip.

Hubby asked me what I was going to do with the fish if I caught it? I said I was gonna eat it! Hell yes I'm going to eat it. I will probably catch and release anything too small to eat but I was raised running on the beach after crabs and fishing with a spear and net to have dinner and I just can't seem to give that up.

Mid Winter Still Gardening

2012-01-16T14:28:00.000-08:00

Some people are blessed with really mild temperate weather and can garden all year. Normally that isn't the case in Oklahoma. I have a 3mil piece of plastic draped over a cage made of chicken wire that is held in place with bricks at the bottom and clothes pins near the top. In it I am still growing and harvesting lettuce. My ghetto green house is so fun. I even have a few shy radishes coming up in it the relative warmth of the plastic covered "cold frame."

Hidden under a few inches of pine needles I have leeks and garlic. The sage and parsley is still hanging tough too. If I had known that the Winter was going to be so mild I would have planted more! However, the whiplash temperatures and wild changeable jet stream may foil me yet.

The Farmer's Almanac is predicting ice storms in my future. Yikes.

The final wonder is actually in the sun-room. A single triumphant bell pepper plant, complete with bell pepper is growing in it's own personal eternal Summer. I fawn over it constantly. It is fun to have something fruiting now. It feeds my nurturing personality to have something to grow and look after. Likewise, I grieve when a plant finally withers and dies. For now I have lettuce fresh from the garden and soon a single bell pepper to munch.

How to Survive the Apocalypse

2011-12-25T20:36:00.000-08:00

Let's pretend that Hollywood was right and the Apocalypse messed everything up and you are left to fend for yourself. Would you be able to thrive in the aftermath of Armageddon? I have several possible game plans for my survival and I share them with you.

1. Go Hillbilly. In this scenario I learn how to make a Still and produce Moonshine for fun and profit. I also have a great deal of guns and ammo to defend this asset. I figure on trading booze for whatever else I may want or need.

2. Go underground. I become a tunnel dweller to avoid any trace radiation on the surface. The tunnels provide protection from the raging weather up top. Of course I'll also need 5 years of supplies in these mythic tunnels and some form of power to grow my underground garden. It seems like a lot of work in preparation so that Still idea is looking better and better.

3. Stockpile Fudge Brownie mix. I believe brownies will become the currency of the future. Nuff said.

4. Throw myself of the mercy of the Amish.

5. Join a Mad Max type hooligan gang and raid the surrounding survival shelters. Oh, what?! Like you wouldn't if you were starving and there was no law but survival of the fittest? Don't judge me...

6. Open a cannibal B-B-Q joint. The other, other white meat. Just kidding, I'd never admit to cooking a human, for all you know it tastes like chicken!

7. Join a cult, for the free snacks.

8. Start a cult, for the free labor.

9. Migrate to the radiation free zone and grow vegetables. Time consuming but eventually sustainable.

10. Thank the heavens that this will probably never ever happen. I love you all.

Spineless Political Pussies and the Bullies that vote for them

2011-11-29T12:29:00.000-08:00

A bunch of political pussies, that's what is crawling around in Washington. Sure we voted for them and shook ours fists and demanded change to fix the economy and bring transparency to the financial sector. Then we all freaked out and whined about losing our entitlements of medicare and the threat of higher taxes. *sigh*

Puerto Rico climbed out of the bankruptcy hole by slashing pay to government and firing a lot of government workers, ending entitlements and raising taxes. Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and gut it out. Sometimes people have to go jobless and fend for themselves. Sure there were riots in the streets and the govenor was hated, but he pulled them out of the black hole of bankruptcy and rejuvenated the economy.

Nobody likes having free stuff taken from them. Nor do they want to loose benefits that they were counting on. Still it has to be done or you are going to lose it all anyways. I'd rather have a heads up and a game plan.

Paranoids guide to the end of the world ( as we know it...)

2011-11-03T11:58:00.000-07:00

I call myself a Prepper. I'm not a real hard core Prepper that is waiting and trembling for the end of the world. I'm just a fluffy Prepper; into it for the fun and trendiness of it. What is a Prepper you may ask?

I enjoy preparing myself for any kind of major disaster. You can find a lot of real Preppers on YouTube. I like to watch their videos and learn survival skills and gardening tips. Mostly cool gardening tips. Perhaps, like me you wonder why preparing for the worst case scenario has become so popular again. I say again, because it was also pretty trendy around Y2K. ( that was a no show.) I have composed a list of things that people today are terrified of in order to explain the Prepper mania.

Plausible-

Nuclear Attack- There are still some nukes floating around and also some developing counties that are making em, could happen.
Floods- They are kind of a regional problem but, yeah I'll buy that they could seriously ruin your month.
Earthquakes- Yup, I believe that they are indeed plausible.
Civil Unrest and Mob Rule- Pick any country and I'll show you a mob of people protesting. Think it can't happen? Tea Party and Occupy movements are growing in popularity.

Sorta, Maybe-

Pandemic- I know lots of people that don't wash their hands and like to sneeze openly into a crowd. Toddlers are the worst. Also humanity has the ability to travel anywhere as fast a jet will go. It just takes one sick person to inoculate an airplane of disease carriers.
Mega Tsunami- I'm on the fence about this one. You would have to be in a low lying area relatively near the coast to have this mess up your life. However, a Mega tsunami that wiped out a major agricultural area could cause famine later and we'd all feel the pain then.
Global Ice Age- Maybe, I almost feel that we could work around this, but it would be mighty inconvenient and major populations would have to relocate or perish.
Solar radiation burst- If it could happen ( that's a big if) It would only affect the half of the planet that was facing it. Well, unless it was continuously spewing gamma radiation over a long period of time, then we'd all have to rethink our current reality paradigms.

Off the Charts Crazy and improbable-

Intelligent Robot take over and or nano technology revolution against humanity- I'm not really worried. The nerds and hackers will save us.
Space Alien Invasion- Bring it! I'd like to see them try.
Zombie Apocalypse- I think that the undead zombies get a really bad rap. I went to high school with a few zombies and they were totally mellow. Sure they seemed to skip the first class after lunch period to smoke weed a lot but they never ate anyone's brains that I knew of.

I probably missed a few other really choice reasons to be terrified, asteroids, pole shifts, gremlins and such. At least now you get the gist. I think my next installment will be my secrets to surviving after Armageddon.

Finally a break in the Epic Heat!

2011-09-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

You know it has been relentlessly hot when 98 degrees is a treat. Remember that brilliant idea I had to create a stay-cation in the back yard by erecting the big blue above ground pool? It really isn't that refreshing to take a dip when the air is 108 and the pool temp is 102 degrees Fahrenheit. It is more like a mild form of endurance testing or cruelty.

I did it though. I had to get in to change the filter anyway. I gingerly dipped my backside in the sweltering , near boiling pool like I was easing into a too hot bath. I did a couple of laps and decided it might be a good idea to get out before I lost consciousness.

Then it finally happened. The historical heat wave broke and the temperature dropped to a delicious mid eighties. Birds were singing, cattle were frolicking and people took walks again around the neighborhood. Each one one waving at the passers by and laughing. Life was wonderful again.

Inspired by the relief in the temperatures, Hubby and I planned a long awaited camping trip in the Pop Up. Yay! I'm doing it totally relaxed this time. No more military lists of meal plans and regimented activities. I'm just throwing everything in the cooler and packing lots of booze. If we run short than we'll go shopping or make due. What? Don't like scrambled eggs for breakfast lunch and dinner, well, have more wine and it will seem almost charming.

Scorched Wake

2011-08-03T06:24:00.000-07:00

I have to get up early to beat the heat. By 9:00AM it is pushing 100 degrees, hotter if you are standing in the direct sun. The water rationing isn't really bothering me as I had let my lawn die months ago. I still take the hose and bucket to keep a few islands of plants going. There is also the soaker hose that waters the garden. That garden is the green oasis in an otherwise tan and crunchy brown landscape.

The homeless kitty now sleeps in the center of the garden, trying to stay cool in the shade of the Sunchokes and pumpkin vines. If she catches an occasional bird too then there you go *cue Lion King Circle of Life music.*

They predict 115 degrees today. I thought 107 was challenging. Even the ants are behaving differently. They seem to be everywhere desperately trying to get moisture from water trays under potted plants, the bird bath, swarming the compost heap and then vanishing back under ground in a few hours before critical burn.

I am wondering if it will be like the scene from the Chronicles of Riddick. A rising sun that scorches the landscape with flame and ash with nothing but charred rock and desolation in the dawn of it's scorched wake.

The local news anchor woman pounded the desk and said " Aw. come ON!" To the weather man as he announced the record breaking heat indexes. He cringed and continued on with his dire forecasts of sweltering with a chance of heat exhaustion.The Governor has declared Oklahoma an agriculture disaster from the drought.

Flowers bloom and become potpourri in the baking sunshine. Bees stay in their hives only leaving in short shifts to get water and return to cool the hive with their collective wing beats. Birds walk and pant; too hot to fly. Trees drop leaves as they go dormant for lack of water. The Cedars, ever green, shrink and their branches droop in an effort to conserve what little moisture they can charm from the morning air.

I fill the bird bath twice daily for pity and have a mister hose near the house to give relief to my butterfly friends and birds. I close off parts of the house so the air conditioner doesn't have to work so hard. I drink iced tea like it is the fountain of youth.

Summer in a Jar

2011-07-27T10:31:00.000-07:00

I made strawberry jam today. It is my husband's favorite and the berries at the market were gorgeous. I feel like a mad scientist when I make jelly and jam. I have special pots and jars, lids, collars, tools and sterile cloths lined up like little soldiers before I begin the process. The kitchen has to be spotless for me to do the whole canning show, not because I'm fastidious, but because I'm so easily distracted I need the visual space to think it all through.

Some people prefer to strain the jelly juice so there is no seeds and just a lovely jewel toned product at the end. I like the pieces of fruit and the seed. The seeds remind me of little stars hanging in a ruby sky. Now the whole house and my hair,even the poodle all smell of strawberries; sweet and summery and mouth wateringly delicious.

One of the most beautiful sounds to my ears is the sharp metallic ping of a jelly jar sealing after being lifted from the canner. That soft plink fills my whole soul with a feeling of well being and contentment. I am overly proud of my jellies and jams. I've tasted better and seen prettier, but because it is done by my hand I love it. There is a comfort and power in being able to capture Summer in a jar.

Trouble in Redneck Paradise

2011-07-21T06:44:00.000-07:00

After unpacking and setting up the above ground pool I wondered how I would enjoy it because the water was freezing. That is no longer a problem. Day upon record breaking day of triple digit heat has kept the pool at a sweltering 100 degrees. No joke! Not the cool refreshing dip I envisioned but a wonderful extra large Jacuzzi.

The regular maintenance of the pool requires me to actually get in it to cover the pump vents in order to change out the filter every 2 weeks. I'll admit I had to stand there to get used to the heat for a few moments. Then I carefully dipped the rest of my body in like a bather trying to get in a too hot bath. I know for a fact it had hit 100 degrees in the pool because I had slipped the old Jacuzzi thermometer in there to monitor it.

Really the best time for a dip is in the early morning. It sucks that I'm not a morning person. The only other mishap with the pool remains a mystery. One morning we noticed that the pool was half empty. Somehow it had been tipped by a freak wind or collapsed by a random punk teen or molested by alien space ships and dumped out half the volume of water.

This was fantastic for the surrounding lawn but has left the pool with a strange lopsided lean in a Southerly direction. No matter I filled it back up as best I could with the wonky inflatable lip. I still swim in a circle despite the heat. In fact I think the hot water helps my sore back in the evenings. Bonus!

Ok, it isn't a waterfall tropical pool in the rain forest or a crisp mountain lake, it's a vinyl pool that feels more like a hot tub tucked in the midst of cedar trees in my back yard. Despite the record heat wave and drought conditions this is my self made paradise. Sure we got a few troubles but we make the best of it and squeeze out all the fun we can with what we got.

Goodbye Stinkbugs, Hello Cucumber Beetles

2011-07-13T12:04:00.000-07:00

The bane of my gardening existence has been the armies of stinkbugs that chew and suck the life out of my lovely garden plants. However, this year they have been a no show. (pause) Instead, I have been visited with a plague of Cucumber Beetles. They are actually very pretty as beetles go. A cheerful bright yellow with polka dots of black or shiny yellow with black racing stripes along their little bodies seems harmless enough. Harmless as an evil clown!

After hitting the Google and learning all I could about these insidious insects I have discovered that they live in the soil all Winter and come back year after year in greater numbers! Horrors! I must now choose some method of defense against them to try and salvage my glorious pumpkin vine and tender tomato plants.

It has been a tough year already for the garden with the record heat. 102 degrees day after day has caused my tomato flowers to refuse to drop pollen. Tomato production is down to a mere 8 tomatoes from 2 otherwise healthy plants. So I shade the tomato plants and mist them in an effort to cool them down, as well as, hand pollinate.

Did I mention that this year the bees have given up on my neighbor hood? Even the bee keeper next door is short on hives to take out to the fields. Then there is the drought, the scorching winds and the punk rabbits that like to eat anything that isn't caged up.

Really, this garden is a labor of love and or torture depending on how bad the odds are stacked against it. Then there are the Cucumber Beetles. The hellish evil clowns of the insect world. Here are my organic choices to keep them at bay.
1. Catch them with my hands and squish them. (gross)
2. Place tangle foot sticky traps around the plants to try and catch them. (difficult with the high winds here )
3. Spray with organic insecticides like Neem, 3in 1, and multi insect spray. (wow, expensive)
4. Dust with special powder. (can cause plant to die)
5. Rip out plants, burn them and scorch the earth, never to plant again. ( I can buy organic produce at the market...)

At this point I have one viable pumpkin growing on the vine. I inspect it and faun over it daily. I will have to plant with broccoli and radish, perhaps nasturtiums next year to remove and repel the Beetles and their yucky bacteria.

Who knows what battles I will have to fight next year. (shudders at the thought)

Stuff I Like for Summer

2011-05-31T21:03:00.000-07:00

Yay! Summer heat, sunshine and more skin after a long bone chilling bleak Winter. Move over Oprah, here are my favorite things for Summer. My Summer must haves and wants for all to enjoy and desire.

Above ground pool. Awesome, easy blow up ring, fill with water and chemicals plug in the pump and you have paradise in your back yard. Already have a pool? Then do get the inflatable floaty with the high back and cup holder. Also awesome.

Open weave straw cowboy hat with chin strap. The open weave lets the air flow through and you get shade from the brim. The chin strap really isn't all that attractive but it keeps it on my head when I mow on windy days.

Parasol. No joke. An honest to god parasol or light colored umbrella for shade. Yeah, people laugh and stare at first then they just envy you while they stand all sweaty and hot in the blazing sun. I'm prone to heat stroke so the relief of a little portable shade is wonderful.

Fancy lace evening shawl. I like to wrap a lace evening shawl around my hips like a sarong when I wear a swim suit. The fringe is sexy and it makes a statement. Something a little extra instead of the same old over sized T-shirt or terrycloth cover up.

Home made ice tea with fresh mint. No explanation necessary.

He has good insurance and I'm still cute

2011-05-26T09:25:00.000-07:00

I had one of those mornings where I felt like I should be on high alert. Sure enough the humid swirling winds and the weather alerts were converging to make for a tornado possible day. We live like this here in tornado alley. You just plan your day around where you are going to hide if they form.

We did everything we needed to in the city before the day really heated up. My husband seemed almost disappointed when the weather seemed to just stay ominous and black. I was half hopeful it would be nothing. I was wrong.

While sauteing up some onions , peppers and mushrooms to top the hoagies I made, the sirens shrieked out. I clicked off the stove, grabbed my purse and the dog and scampered down into the storm cellar. That is what rational, clear thinking, sensible people do in tornado alley. Not my husband.

Apparently he is smarter and faster than any tornado. While I hauled myself and poodle underground he dashed outside with the camera. In a moment of testosterone fueled whatthefuckery, he went outside to try and get a photo op with a tornado.

The moments ticked by and the wind outside got more violent, the thunder booms became one continuous churning roll and the volleys of hail more intense against the garage door (our storm shelter is in the garage.) Still no husband. The poodle cowered on my lap and I don't know who was shaking more the dog or myself.

The power went off and with just the small flashlight I waited....no husband. My blood pressure began escalating. My thoughts briefly light on the fact that some tornado deaths are from strokes caused by fear and stress. Then the lights come on again.

"Hey you want some light?" He said cheerfully down the cellar hole. "Is it over?" I asked, hearing my voice break and quaver like a small frightened child. " Yeah, I watched it on TV while I ate my hoagie." He replied.

I sat very close to him on the couch after crawling out of the storm cellar, still shook up and nervous. He thought it would be really fun to take my blood pressure and then his to see who was worse. Mine was elevated but his beats were faster.

It is times like these I'm glad he has good insurance and I'm still cute.

Magic button

2011-05-13T13:03:00.000-07:00

I was doing something really important online (playing online games) when my husband asked me to do him a favor.
Could you sew this button on tighter to these shorts? He asked handing me the shorts.

No. I said. Much to his surprise.

What?! he asked with one eyebrow raised in disapproval and mirth.

You need to buy bigger pants. It isn't a magic button. Sewing it back isn't going to counteract a lifetime of bad choices. I said (while ducking out of reach from the tickling that would be sure to follow for my insolence.)

I wont be baking anymore cookies for you woman! ( The ultimate punishment)

Fine. I said. However, I did sew his button on. (Thus salvaging my cookie privileges.)

Oh thanks hun. He replied and thoughtfully said to the air. Maybe I should eat less cookies too.

Dreaded Mother's Day

2011-05-07T22:21:00.000-07:00

Somewhere in the world there really is a Norman Rockwell family with rosy cheeks gathering around a perfectly coiffed Mom, giving her delightful hand made gifts and breakfast in bed. And everywhere else are a bunch of bitter Mothers who never did get the star treatment they were deluded into expecting come Mothers Day.

Hallmark card commercials and constant barrages of ads for expensive jewelry and flowers raise the sense of entitlement even more. Worse still the pathetic hope that most overworked and underloved Moms harbor on the one day they are supposed to have off. One day...One frikin' day is supposed to make up for the neglect and disappointment that real life has dished out to you because you have a fully functioning vagina. What a gyp.

There ought to be a law that Moms get a mother's weekend every week. I think women in general would be happier and less apt to be bummed out about the weak effort that Mothers Day really is. Moms worldwide would be so content and relaxed that wars would end and all tensions in the universe would recede.

OCD and me

2011-04-26T23:03:00.000-07:00

I'm insane. Just a little. Not Charlie Sheen weapons grade crazy but enough that I notice other people are really...together. I arrange the clothes in the closet by color. Specifically rainbow pattern.White, red, orange yellow, green .blue, violet, grey and black at the end.

It's a great disorder to have when you work in retail. When I worked in a clothing store I arranged the clothing so nicely. Still do it. I have to fight the urge not to arrange when I am shopping at Target. Target, what a nightmare. Crack monkeys would do a better job of straighting the racks. Why people are such slobs in the clothing racks it a mystery to me. Really?! Do they live like that at home? Respect the merchandise. I think it is a chick thing.

I have never been in an automotive store and found it messy, never. Sometimes the mens department in the big stores gets mussed , but nothing like the disaster that you find in the ladies area. What is up with that? Shoes too. Mens shoes are like tidy rows of little soldiers. Womens show isle, like crack whores after the party.

My only defense as to why I do what I do is that at least in some small part of my world I feel like I have control. Everything else may be beyond my ability to manage and guide, but the clothes in my closet are serenely organized.

Chaos, and other feelings about remodeling

2011-04-14T10:39:00.000-07:00

The sleeping poodle under my bed awoke with a start. First banging his head on the supports and then barking in maniacal abandon at the door bell. The contractors were early. A day early in fact. No matter, When you want to have your bathrooms updated you surrender to anything just to get it finished.

"Good Morning! You just get up? Har,har har!" They stomp past me with their big boots in a cloud of cigarette smoke to attack the next phase of tiling.

I find a cup of tea and try to piece myself together as the day unfolds with banging and grinding of saws and alternate billows of gypsum dust that come swirling down the hall way. I pause to wonder why the poodle adores these men. He fawns on them and grins a big doggy grin at them as they toil.

I walk passed the bent forms of contractors who are grouting away and try to avert my eyes at the twin ass cracks that smile up at me. This is my life and my landscape until the floors are done...

Confusing Love Messages

2011-02-14T13:31:00.000-08:00

I adore Sweethearts candies. It is such a wonderful nostalgic feeling to tear open a familiar pink box of heart shaped candies. I really like to read the little love notes printed on them. The candies themselves aren't really yummy. Kind of reminiscent of dried toothpaste and grannies dinner mints really.

This year I tore open a box and found a few new sayings. " Friend Me" I guess it is a sign of the times. Net speak is pretty popular for Sweetheart logos." UR IT" Reading them made me feel kind of old. At least they taste better than I remember. They used to taste like chalk with powdered sugar.

I still like them. They evoke feelings of pure childlike tenderness and the untarnished belief in true love. Sadly, my box of candies reflected real life and like reality there were a few candies that had vague messages. Either the machine had missed the candy heart and printed just half a message or they were blurred out completely." ME" I guess that would be the narcissistic candy message.

I would like to invent a box of candy hearts that were funny. " Whatever" " U will Pay" " Mistake"" WHY"
I will buy them again next year and every Valentines after that because I still like to capture the flavour and sweetness of my childhood. I wish all of you Love.

Penis Donor

2011-02-07T11:16:00.000-08:00

last night it was reported in the news a man was killed in an auto accident. It was not unusual that he was an organ donor. Many people are nowadays. It was unusual that all he requested donated was his penis. Yes, I laughed a little too, go ahead get it out of your system.

I wondered if that was the only part of himself that he wanted to live on. Was it because it was such a wonderful penis or because he never got a chance to use it? Who really wants a high mileage penis anyway?

I guess if you don't have one and you really, really need one it wouldn't matter if it was high mileage or not. I wondered also how long the wait list was for a slightly used penis.

There are some religions that believe if you have all your parts then you will be reincarnated. However, if you were missing parts then you would be coming back without them.If the ancient Egyptians were right on this deal that fellow would be coming back a eunuch. Think of all the folks that would come back just piles of ashes.

I have it as my final request that my body be donated to medical science. I believe in recycling all the way! I live a pretty clean life and hopefully my skin will be the skin for a burn victim, my eyes will help someone see the world and my bones be the skeleton for someone to be strong with.All of it. All of what once contained my soul is good to be used for any who need it after I'm toast.

Remodel Disillusion Phase

2011-02-03T12:52:00.000-08:00

Where's my contractor! I should know better. I've seen this show before. I've read the horror stories. In the back of my mind I wonder if he just took the first check and has been E-mailing us from Vegas in a drunken stupor.

OK, I know it isn't that bad but I'm so impatient. It isn't the contractor's fault that we have a snowicain bizzaster. I have learned several new weather terms this last snow storm. Oh, but it isn't just a snow storm. We had a ground blizzard. We had wind chill factors that started with the adjective ugly. " An ugly -14, an ugly drifting snow, an ugly snowicain." My favorite is Snizzle. ( Snow/sleet/drizzle.) Good Lord.

Before I really freak out I need to embrace reality and know that the side streets are still impassable. Still, I wants my remodel. I wants it now.( *Gollem voice*) I may have to wait even longer now that another snowicain is queuing up to descend on Oklahoma.

I realize this is going to take time. I just want something concrete for the money we already ponied up. Ya know?

Guess Again

2011-01-29T17:41:00.000-08:00

I'm peri- menopausal and I still get my periods complete with acne. I have cramps and hot flashes. My hair is turning salt and pepper and I still go straight to the electronic games section of the store to see if any cool new games have come out. I have been and always will be a teenage boy trapped in an aging housewife's body.

Right when I think I have figured it all out, life says, " guess again!" So now what. My kid has been living on his own for a while now. I'm still a little boy inside. This Summer I built a wood ladder bridge to take my new bike over. ( I sent myself into the trees.) I did it because the teenage boy in my head thought it was going to be awesome. ( I tore a hole in the butt of my bike pants.)

I should be a classy MILF that does community service and volunteers at the local church. I'm not. My New Years resolution is to go skinny dipping as often as I can get away with it. I should do older Mom stuff like quilt or write a helpful blog. ( Almost.) Mostly I fantasize about taking lazy road trips with my Hubby, eating junk food and reading trashy novels in between theme parks.( I'm sure my folks are proud.)

I think I do what will be fun. Sometimes it is thrilling and wonderful and sometimes you rip a hole in the butt of your bike pants. I want to build a tree house in my back yard. My Hubby says," guess again."