The Bottom Line: Movie Reviews, Travel Tips, and Nightlife Reviews

Winter Vacation for Broke Yuppies

2011-10-28T07:51:00.000-07:00

It's tough to say whether or not the economy is getting better. Right now, the market is at a high we haven't seen in years. Spending in October has been in the positive. Yet the percentage of Americans saving is very low. With the holiday season approaching, single yuppies and young couples are mulling over whether or not to take advantage of vacation time. "Are we really going to spend our Christmas bonus on a trip to the Caribbean this year?" and "Do we have any money left after holiday shopping to even get away for a weekend?" are questions that will be asked frequently this year.

The term staycation is not a newly-coined term. However, it has been spat out and taken advantage more than usual lately. Here are some alternative ideas of how to give yourself a break this holiday season without breaking into the piggy bank:

1. Treat yourself to a day or two at a day spa. The hassle of traveling can be stressful alone. Instead of spending thousands on a week away to a vacation spot, spend two days at a local spa getting massages. If you're near NYC, try visiting Spa Castle in Queens. It's the Six Flags of day spas. It includes a massive heated pool with a swim-up bar plus more square footage of rub-down areas than anywhere you've ever seen.

2. Take advantage of promotions offered by timeshare companies. Yes, there is a catch. No, you don't have to buy into it. Now, more than ever timeshare companies are desperate for your business. Especially if you're a early to mid-twenties young professional, you've most likely received a sales call, e-mail, or promotional letter/package in the mail offering a free weekend stay for your and a guest to a world-renown resort. The bonus is IT'S FREE! The catch? Timeshare companies offer you a luxurious stay a five-star resort in exchange for 2-3 hours of your life by boring you with a presentation in hopes you will buy a timeshare that you are locked into for life. This may be a very cheap alternative to spending mucho dinero on a vacation through a travel agency. WARNING: By any means, do NOT buy into sales representatives' cheap sales talk. You do not want to buy a timeshare if you're trying to save money.

3. Block out humanity. Yes, you have to endure crazy Uncle Steve's talks about his political views and tolerate your family's company for Thanksgiving and Christmas/Hanukah. But once the circus is wrapped up, treat yourself to yourself. Spend the next couple of weeks going to the gym or simply locking yourself in your apartment to relax. Do things for yourself that don't require you to spend time or attention on other people. That is considered by some the greatest type of vacation of all to some people.

How to Write a Superhero Movie and make a Bajillion Dollars

2011-07-26T12:34:00.000-07:00

Since the historic release of Spider-Man in 2002 there has been an immense demand for superhero movies by moviegoers. It used to be that the occasional Superman or Batman movie would ring in dollars at the box office, with several duds failing to sell tickets (The Phantom, anybody?)

Since the early 00's however, we have seen franchises spread like wildfire. Movies like Spider-Man, Hulk, and Iron-Man have collectively earned billions of dollars in revenue. However, as these movies gain public attention and interest, many speculators notice a similar repetitive trait: All of these movies have the same story.

Rather than cite examples, let's take a look at the overall pattern/steps involved in order to make a popular franchise:

1. Introduce a struggling, yet likable protagonist. This person doesn't necessarily have to be a weakling or a nerd, but there is something flawed that the protagonist will learn to overcome through the course of his/her arc.

2. Introduce the emerging, rising-in-power antagonist. The enemy, or villain of the story possesses traits completely opposite of the antagonist. This makes for golden relationship between good and evil since the two characters will oppose, yet complement each other throughout the film. You will see as the antagonist usually starts with the most power and eventually loses it, while the protagonist, or hero starts at rock bottom and has to learn the honorable way to gain and use his/her newly-founded power(s) correctly.

3. A life-changing moment for the protagonist occurs. After we see as the protagonist takes some hits in his/her personal life, whether it be getting beat up by the school bull, or meandering through an empty mansion lonely and hopeless, or watching his/her parents shot to death in an alley, there comes a pivotal change. Something snaps inside of the protagonist either physically or psychologically that drives him/her to his/her destiny: to be a hero. Peter Parker becomes Spider-Man after being bit by a mutant spider. Tony Stark becomes Iron-Man after he learns to use his intelligence to survive by making a suit made of scrap metal. Steve Rogers becomes Captain America after he is physically morphed into a supreme being by modern science. All of these circumstances are different, yet extreme and vital.

4. The Love Interest begins to surface. Maybe he/she was introduced as the unattainable crush in the beginning. Usually, however, the love interest begins noticing the protagonist when the powers are acquired. This love interest will be very important to the rest of the story as it continues and will most likely be a distraction to the hero's mission.

5. The protagonist and antagonist both grow in powers and capabilities. While the hero is learning how to use his/her powers and work out all of the leftover kinks, the villain is devising and building on his/her master plan. Expect more deaths as the hero is still training for greatness.

6. The confrontation between good and evil occurs. This may or not be planned but at some point, usually when a crime led by the antagonist is being committed, there is a dramatic showdown that will be the first in a building series of battles between good and evil. Expect an explosion and the first time a hero may fall on his face.

7. Obstacles and Hard Decisions Ahead. The hero will gain interest in stopping his enemy, the antagonist. Research and side missions will be done in order to see what the villain's master plan is. Meanwhile there will be challenges in the protagonist's personal life such as keeping secrets and letting people close to into his/her life. Expect the protagonist to fall on his/her face multiple times awaiting a final battle.

8. The final battle. The villain has perfected his/her master plan and welcomes the hero into the evil layer or location where everything is about to go down. Expect the villain to use bait for the hero. Perhaps a loved one is involved (usually the love interest). The hero will make tough decisions including what is more important: protecting the person/people he/she loves or putting an end to his/her enemy. Either way the villain will be temporarily or permanently stopped and the hero's journey will be over.

9. One Final Sacrifice. Let's say the hero has won. He/she has put an end to evil, at least for now and the city or surrounding area is safe from crime. Will the hero return or hang up his/her cape and lead a normal life? Most likely, especially if you want a sequel for God's sake, the hero will turn his back on a normal life and continue to secretly or publicly fight injustice. Personal sacrifices may have to be made such as steering clear of his one and only true love in order to protect him/her.

10. Don the suit and tease them with the goods. Will there be a new suit in the sequel? Or a new villain? If you work it into the final scene without being too cheesy, you can really get the audience creaming its pants with a sneak peek of what to expect in the next film. At least show the hero in full costume to hint at more adventures ahead.

There you go. This is all you need to know. Ten easy steps. 90-120 pages. Try to muster in some originality, obviously, but it's really this easy.

The Bottom Line: The NEW New Movie Industry

2011-07-21T12:08:00.000-07:00

There was brief time- let's say a little over thirty years ago- when a surge of creativity and originality blasted onto the big screen. The era for mega-budget blockbusters was born, and movies like JAWS, Star Wars, and E.T. set the standard for how a filmmaker can create not only a movie, but a timeless franchise.

We see movies that were made in 1977 such as Star Wars, and realize that sequels and prequels are still gaining George Lucas and Twentieth Century Fox more and more of a revenue stream.

Now in 2011, everything is being remade and sequel/prequel-ized. This year we have seen yet another X-Men movie, another Pirates of the Caribbean Movie, and soon to come out this Friday, Captain America, a seventy-year old franchise character, will take the number one spot for new box office releases.

Are you wondering about the ORIGINAL movies that have come out this summer? Apart from a fresh breath of air in the comedy apartment (nod to Horrible Bosses), there really hasn't much to run home about.

Perhaps the most enjoyable movie of the summer was Super 8. Yet while it was entertaining and amusing to watch, I couldn't help but think that I was viewing a hybrid of ET, JAWS, and Close Encounters of the Third Kind!

Has Hollywood legitimately run out of ideas? Or are they simply manipulating and milking the general public into thinking that you can keep updating and cleaning up old classics? I know if I was a douche bag Hollywood executive, I would probably want to take the easy way out myself and remake Titanic. You just add a few new cast members, make the ship explode instead of sink, and have Daft Punk do the new soundtrack.

Spring Break for Yuppies

2011-04-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

In middle school, your parents took you to a family resort getaway or, in horrible cases, the good old family road trip. Remember all of the fights with your sibling and arguments over driving directions between Mom and Dad?

In high school, you and your closest friends went to your parents' shore house and got blackout drunk for the first time.

Maybe you even got your first hand job or smoked your first blunt under the boardwalk.

By the time college rolled around, the term Spring Break took on a new meaning. Suddenly, you were expected to have the time of your life and get into the most amount of trouble possible. Popular places included Cancun, Mexico and Miami Beach, Florida. Usually, you and your fraternity brothers would pitch in for an all-inclusive party resort or shit-hole motel right near the beach.

Only a few guys actually got a bed as most of your crew slept on a couch or on the floor. Obnoxious and excessive drinking was commonplace (I recall building a pyramid out of Bud Light which amounted to the size of a shanty house.

If there was weed around, it was being smoked.

Dude with bowl: "You wanna blaze?"
Dude drinking beer: "You don't even have to ask."

By the end of your liver-destroying odyssey, at least one of your comrades passes out in his own vomit. This might be humorous if the same guy didn't humiliate you by getting kicked out of a night club as you were sealing the deal with a Sorority Sister the night before.

Flash forward through at least three more of these college adventures in the spring, and you're graduated from college. No longer do you have two week vacations. Instead, you have a large helping of reality. So, the question rises: How do Yuppies create their own Spring Break?

Time is not on your side, but money is. Call up the people you had the times of your life with from college, and tell them to take a day or two off from work for a long weekend getaway. Now, forget about being stingy. With the long hours you work, you deserve to live like a king. After all, we didn't graduate college JUST to get good jobs and creep towards death, right?

My suggestion: Rustle up some dough and book a suite (not guest room, but a suite) in Las Vegas. You get the best of everything any of your previous Spring Breaks had to offer. Instead of packing flip flops and Hollister shorts, pack at least one suit and club attire for going out. Don't buy a thirty-pack of Natty Ice. Instead, split a table in the VIP section of a popular club. Don't make a late run to Taco Bell when you and your college pals can go to a steak house, smoke cigars, and drink Scotch.

You've always dreamed of living and partying like a baller. With a group of working guys splitting the costs, why NOT book a weekend of deprivation and excess?

Dumbfuck Consumer Report: Sony Versus Everyone Else

2011-04-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

SONY has recently released its newest brainchild: the Stupid Piece of Shit. SONY will compete with reputable companies such as SAMSUNG and LG. While SONY's competitors have a leg-up on design, quality, affordability, and overall value, SONY has proven to be superior with its fancy advertising and marketing strategy. SONY's marketing strategy continues proving to be as effective as political propaganda in 1930s Germany.

But what makes SONY particularly advantageous to the everyday consumer is its lack of backwards compatibility (PS3), unnecessary light-dimming effects and menu pop-ups (Bravia TV) and lifetime warranty (product usually lights on fire or becomes obsolete within six months).

Thanks again SONY, you capitalist bastards.

True Hollywood Stories: Japanese Gangster Master Shredder

2011-04-13T14:33:00.000-07:00

Since being attacked by a opium-addicted rat in 1970s Japan, mid-level drug dealer Oroku Saki a.k.a. Master Shredder sought out to build an empire. He began as a two-bit hustler in Sendai, Japan selling opium to lowlife degenerates and bums. Upon one of his collections, his integrity truly came into question when he was ninja-kicked in the face by diseased mutant rodent, Splinter. Shredder's life would never be the same.

He went home that night and vowed to become the most successful dope dealer the streets had ever seen. But the streets he had in mind were not Sendai.

Supply and demand seemed very simple to Shredder. The city with the most demand for drugs, in his mind, was Manhattan. The supply however, was low. With limited funds at his disposal, he paid off several of his servants, all known as The Foot, to carry out his master plan. Leading The Foot into the gates of a Tokyo-based heroin manufacturing plant, Shredder confronted Drug Kingpin Tatsu.

Tatsu, a bald, middle-aged man of authority, gave Shredder a dramatic stare. The first thing he noticed was the unnecessary attire Shredder wore. Shredder wore a shiny royal purple jumpsuit, much like something Prince would wear. He was also cloaked in a navy cape and steel mask made of scrap metal.

Laughing at a ridiculously costumed drug dealer, Tatsu and his crew of thugs behind him all assumed this was some sort of prank, and not an ambush. Shredder, fumed and insulted, grabbed Tatsu's neck and pulled out his throat with his bare hands. Following this act of gruesome violence, Shredder ordered the Foot to wipe out the rest of Tatsu's crew and transport the mounds of heroin into a rusted cargo ship.

With the cargo ship packed, Shredder and his Foot members set sail for New York City.

TO BE CONTINUED.....

True Hollywood Stories: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

2011-04-12T20:55:00.000-07:00

Splinter was born as the pet rat of failed ninja and opium addict, Hamato Yoshi. Splinter lived his first few months as a typical rat, eating cheese and running circles around his cage. It wasn't too long however, that Splinter began inhaling the fumes of smoke coming from his owner's opium pipe. The intoxicating aroma of this drug expanded Splinter's mind, and he soon began imitating Hamato's drug-induced martial arts moves. With mental hallucinations, off second-hand smoke, also came physical growth.

It wasn't long before Splinter became more advanced and transformed from an average household rat into a human-like junkie. Unfortunately, Hamato's drug dealer, Shredder had enough and came to collect. Without a dime to his name, Hamato used the only martial arts moves he had left, the ability to fluff.

Shredder, a heterosexual drug dealer, would not budge. Instead, he unloaded multiple shotgun blasts into Hamato's head leaving a junkie rat behind. Splinter would never forget this. Not because he cared for Hamato, but because he would have to withdraw from opium. In a drug-induced rage, Splinter kicked Shredder in the face with his rat foot and bailed town looking for a new home.

Where does a homeless junkie rat retreat to? The New York City Sewer System, of course. There he made home out of a former heroin den after stabbing a bum in the stomach. Splinter was bored with his days until stumbling upon multiple vials of crack cocaine, all consumed by FOUR BABY TURTLES!

Splinter watched as these turtles grew in size after consuming large doses of crack. He gave them all names after gay Renaissance artists: Michaelangelo the Pot-Smoker, Leonardo the Aderal-Sniffer, Donatello the Ecstasy-Taker, and Raphael the Steroid-Injector.

Having the appearance of four stoner teenagers, Splinter immediately taught these turtles how to steal and hustle for opium and miscallaneous drugs. The turtles all wanted to learn martial arts like Splinter's former master Yoshi. Instead, Splinter back-handed them screaming, "No! Too dangerous....."

You can find these turtles in the East Village late at night soliciting sexual favors to supply their master, dope fiend legend Master Splinter.

Bar Etiquette 101: Fake It Til You Make It

2011-04-12T19:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's boring going to the same bar or lounge every week. It gets tiring seeing the same types of faces, and ordering the same Jack and Coke on a Friday night. Once in a while, you have to shake things up.

Some of the best nights I've ever had was under a different alias, or fake identity. For example, instead of going as yourself, go as an exaggerated version of yourself. Tell a few of the hottest girls you normally wouldn't go up to that you're a plastic surgeon, or a talent agent from Hollywood. When they ask you where your card is, tell them you left it in your Bentley. Even if the girls think you're COMPLETELY full of shit, which they most likely will, you might end up charming one or two of them. Creativity never ceases to fail, gentlemen.

But if you really feel ballsy, try this move. You're at a cool, trendy spot filled with young hotties in the midst of Spring. In the front of the entrance, where the hostess checks you in, there's usually a supply of business cards with the bar's name and general contact information on it. Take one or two and slide it in your pocket.

Now, take those cards, grab your chosen wing man and approach a few hotties at the bar. When they make eye contact, slap down a card, look them directly in the eyes and tell her you own the bar. Then proceed to tell the bartender to get them whatever they want and that it's on the house. The look and see that the girls are completely shocked and turned on and walk away. It's a feeling of complete ego fulfillment, and even though you're totally full of shit, you've turned an otherwise average Friday into a narcissistic accomplishment based on lies and deceit.

Bar Etiquette 101: Don't Get Bounced From The Fifth

2011-04-12T11:26:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday night. You've just been told about the newest trend spot in the city. Let's just call it The Fifth for now. You're rolling with two other dudes and you're skeptic about getting in. It's only a couple hours before your taxi arrives and you want to make sure you have all your bases covered so you and your two GUY friends get in. Sounds simple, right? Wrong.

The most obvious reason you will not get in with your friends is the fact that you have no chicks on your arm. Every club tries to keep the girl-to-guy ration in favor of the female gender. However, there are a few things that bouncers and door men look out for that aren't as obvious to us men. Most of us guys believe that we look, walk, and talk the proper way for any lounge or night club. Here are some of the less obvious indicators that bouncers will turn you away for.

1. Dress Code. It's different everywhere. Not everywhere is like Los Angeles where you can wake up, not shower, and wear a sweat shirt to the red carpet. While places like LA and certain parts of NYC tend to forgive a slightly more bohemian style, nightlife capitals such as Las Vegas and Miami Beach will throw you right the fuck out. If you thought a striped Polo button-down, jeans, and ALDO shoes were adequate in getting you in the club, think again. Hint: You can never go wrong with a solid button-down and suit jacket. This look will always insure that you at least look the part. It's a staple look for Miami. It works in Vegas. And it certainly makes you look sharp everywhere else. Biggest No? Never wear sneakers. Anywhere.

2. Sobriety: Unfortunately, bouncers are trained to spot an insurance liability. Let's say you're the leader of your wolf pack and your friends are half-bombed to a drunken stupor; your chances of getting in, no matter how well you dressed have just been slashed to a marginal chance. Every bouncer knows that if you can't handle your shit on the line, there's bound to be a problem inside. Pace yourself, guys. The inside is worth the wait.

3. Anticipation: Yes, it's a very exciting feeling when you're about to get in the night club. But there's always that guy that keep asking the door man every five seconds, "How long do you think it'll be?" Just like a child, the parent (bouncer) gets more and more agitated until that rope is closed off to you and your pals for good. Keep your crew under control and be patient. Eventually, the bouncer will notice you're cool and not likely to cause a scene, and let you in out of respect.

So, it doesn't take a bribe or acting like a pretentious dickhead to get into a club. Clubs and lounges, in this modern day and age, were designed to let a more inclusive crowd in. It's only the drunk and/or stupid scumbags you see kicked to the curb, not necessarily your average Joe.

Bar Etiquette 101: What Not To Order At The Bar

2011-04-12T09:29:00.000-07:00

If you ever want a chance with the cocktail waitress or woman sitting two stools down from you at the bar, there's something you should know. A woman will always stare at the drink you order. And ladies, whether you're aware of it or not, you do. While there are many kinds of drinks you can pass off ordering, there are a few you NEED to steer away from.

1. The Flavored Martini: This drink clearly suggests that you are more interested in gossiping than flirting throughout the night. The chick you're staring out will definitely be giving you attention, but not the kind you want. She's more likely to ask you where you get your manicures done. Bottom Line: Feminine Drink.

2. The "Let's Get Wrecked" Shot: There is indeed a difference between a chilled Patron shot and an Irish Car Bomb or Jager Bomb. The difference is suggestion. You are clearly proclaiming to everyone around you that you are that guy. You're the frat boy on a mission to make bad decisions shooting shit that used to be cool: in high school. Show the women around you that you have a little bit more sophistication and are a grown-up. The exception? If it's your buddy's birthday and you want to do a group cheers.

3. The Frozen Concoction: Margaritas and Pina Coladas are reserved for cruise trips and island getaways. It is also the ultimate tourist gesture to act cool by ordering the house special that promises to be delicious and filled with flavor. You're a man of class, not a drunk hillbilly on vacation.

Avoid these three classes of inappropriate drinks, and you really can't go wrong with anything else. Yes, a Scotch makes you look mature. A beer is classic and shows you're a man's man. Wine is even okay in a quiet setting. Just don't order a Cosmopolitan or you're reputation as a straight player will be ruined forever.

Life Beyond 5PM On A Monday

2011-04-11T15:12:00.000-07:00

There's a crucial point to the end of each executive's day where his mind shifts to life after death, a.k.a. his/her work day. In a technology-based society, where being lazy has become a lifestyle via Facebook, endless cable channels, and online food delivery, it is so easy to forget what your lifestyle -- err, what your life is about.

After a long day of dealing with the mundane activities that consume your day, ridiculous antics from your unappreciative boss, and the boring nature of 90% of your colleagues, you're exhausted. All you want to do is order that pizza, crack open a beer, and veg out to nothingness in front of your TV.

So is this a healthy way to end your day. It always comes back to philosophy vs. philosophy. Do we live to work or work to live? Five out of seven days solely devoted to being a zombie in front of a computer screen just so we can sleep at home? We weren't born to be robots.

You're thinking right now: Easier said than done to actually do something after work. I have no energy and just want to be left alone anyway. Let me tell you buddy, you're in for a rough future with that mentality. Here's an ideal way of sustaining your youth and your quality of life before you wake up and you're forty with a bag for a belly.

1. Create a list. Sounds very 20th century, I know. Think of a list as a metaphorical reminder to keep active after work. Try setting your cell phone to alarm one hour after your work day is done to go to the gym. Make a routine out of this and it will become habitual.

2. Pick one thing a week to do after work that you've never done before. Whether it's walking around a nearby city or eating fish tacos on a Tuesday, keep your mind focused on other things besides retiring before another dreadful day in the office.

3. Chase the dream. One thing you can't do during work is pursue a lifelong goal. If you've ever wanted to become an artist, writer, or sports figure, now's your chance. Devote a set number of hours a week to practicing and honing your passion into expertise. You'll thank yourself in the future.

Casino 101: Cap Yourself

2011-04-11T13:17:00.000-07:00

Do you know why you can't sleep in Vegas?

Could it possibly be the 24/7 blasting of blinking and flashing lights on the strip? Could it be the heavy volume of people coming in and out of the casino? Or could it be the unique but intoxicating quality of air within the casino floor? The answer is yes.

The flashing lights make it possible for you to ignore that a beehive of activity is occurring, and you'd only be missing out by ordering that twenty dollar move and order room service from your hotel room. There is a ton of people-watching to take part in. Between the scantily-clad women (mainly prostitutes and drunk co-eds), high rollers, and self-destructive frat boys, it is a place of celebration and degradation. And yes, PURE oxygen is poured into the casino so that you will have no choice but to stay awake and be attracted to the colorful slot machines.

So this is your first time in a large casino and it's a given that you are tempted to partake in three things: drinking, partying, and yes, gambling. Even the cheapest of cheap-asses tend to gamble as it is a break from reality and a reaffirmation of the fact that you have money to burn. The biggest problem people have is knowing how much to gamble and when to stop.

A couple years ago, I drove to Vegas for the second time. I was pouting with my date over a hundred bucks that I lost at the slot machines when a very drunk guy around my age stumbled into the bar. He told us both how he had won $20,000 during the weekend.

"A few awesome hands at Texas Holdem!"

So I respond, "That's awesome! So what are you at right now?"

"Seven bucks."

"You managed to lose the twenty thousand within twenty-four hours?" I shoot back.

He answers, "No. All I have left is seven bucks. I gambled the home, the business, everything."

This is obviously a very extreme case, but not completely uncommon in the world of Sin City. My advice? Always have a spotter to either promote you, or steer you away from a long run of bad luck at the tables or slot machines. Take a look at what you currently have as far as your budget, and cap yourself on a daily basis. You have a thousand to blow in cash on drinks, food, and hookers? Take a quarter of that and have some fun. But remember to spread it out. And for God's sake, don't lose your life savings to a Denver Duck machine.

The Evolution of Gaming

2011-04-11T09:53:00.000-07:00

Sure, video games are improving by the day. It seems like only yesterday SEGA Genesis and Super Nintendo were the forerunners in gaming. These platforms remained on the top for so long because of the content in its games. While games were "improving" other platforms like SEGA CD weren't quite helping gamers optimize their experience.

Games like Sonic The Hedgehog and Super Mario Bros. were popular for one main reason: consistency. No matter how many sequels in the franchises came out, people couldn't get enough of the same colorful and head-turning gameplay. Maybe it was the use of colors or the fruity music and sounds that made these games pop. But it seems like for the true gamer (the kind that played video games frequently in a social manner), this was the time to shine.

At some point, however, gaming started taking on a new meaning. It was no longer about going from level to level to get the big prize in the end. Instead, it turned into a more realistic, lifelike journey. Think Legend of Zelda for Nintendo 64. At the time of its release, it was one of the most popular games to ever sell. Suddenly it wasn't just about having Mario or Sonic hop over obstacles and switching off with friends; it was about committing yourself to a way of life. It was about abandoning your role in human society and becoming a junkie. It was addiction.

With the improvement of graphics and the competition between different companies to release the best experience for its consumers (i.e. Microsoft vs. Sony) gaming started kicking into high gear becoming more and more realistic. Some games started to even offer a cinematic quality to them. Not only do you have to win a game, you have to be the hero in your own movie.

But it wasn't until the emergence of online gaming, that the true subculture of the human species started to rise. Games like World of Warcraft and Halo changed EVERYTHING.

We are in an age of being plugged into the system (i.e. Facebook, Twitter, TXTing). Online gaming offers an aesthetically pleasing way of being further involved in an ever-expanding dimension that is crippling our society. Kids aren't playing basketball outside or camping anymore. Instead they are turning into junk food-addicted fat fucks developing carpel tunnel syndrome between all of the joystick-handling and masturbating to online porn.

For all of the teenage to thirty-somethings out there flirting with an avatar from World of Warcraft. They're not going to blow you. Shut down the PC, throw on some sweats, and hit the gym. Gaming is the lease effective way of getting laid. There's still hope for you.

Narrating Your Life: Morgan Freeman

2011-04-11T09:09:00.000-07:00

He is the center of satire on shows like South Park. He is recognized as the go-to figure for narrating any movie, documentary, or television program. He has even played God on the big screen.What is our cultural obsession with Morgan Freeman?

He gained notoriety in the nineties for playing roles in class movies such as Driving Miss Daisy and Shawshank Redemption. But what is it about Morgan Freeman that gives him such star power? He's not good-looking at all. In fact, he looks like he's taking on a skin disease more and more throughout his films. But it is the unique quality of his voice that has made him stand out and be hired for several key roles in films. This unique voice has also made him the spokesperson for narration in modern-day pop films and documentaries. What is it about his voice that people connect with so much? It is the fact that Morgan Freeman doesn't rush his monologues, or pretend to overemphasize them. It is the fact that he often comes across understated in tone and attitude. Freeman is a classic example of an actor that really doesn't try at all. He just is.

Perhaps Morgan Freeman is the missing link for aspiring actors that do not have talent. After all, you cannot compare the factor of talent Freeman has to great actors of our time such as Robert Downey Jr. and Al Pacino. Instead it is the fact that at some point Morgan Freeman's voice was recognized as an asset to the screen. And often, as it is seen in Hollywood, all it takes is that one magic factor that has yet to be recognized.

Why You Should Put All Of Your Money Into Disney Stock

2011-04-09T08:34:00.000-07:00

2012. I have heavy doubt it's going to be the year the world ends. However, there will be an epic occurence: the heavily anticipated release of the mega-blockbuster movie, The Avengers.

Let's backtrack to 2008. Iron Man was the unlikely superhero movie to win over audiences. It starred a has-been actor trying to make his comeback in a genre usually suited for an actor half his age. The director's biggest claim to fame was directing Elf. I would say people were a bit skeptic. Amazingly, the movie was a critical and financial success raking in over $300 million in domestic box office gross alone.

At the end of Iron Man, a surprise cameo by Samuel L Jackson teased a follow-up movie. Samuel L Jackson, as Nick Fury - Director of a top secret organization called S.H.I.E.L.D. breaks into Iron Man's home and tells him he's looking to put a team together. End of movie.

Following the success of Iron Man, a pattern started. A remake of The Incredible Hulk, while not as financially successful as Iron Man, proved to be a worthy follow-up in a series of superhero movies that would accumulate to one major blockbuster masterpiece.

With the release of Thor and Captain America approaching, comic book lovers are tapping their foots anxiously waiting for that extra teaser or clip or news concerning The Avengers. It is the only movie in history that has taken the release of five superhero blockbusters to market it. If you take the combined worldwide gross of all five movies that either have been, or will be released soon (i.e. Iron Man, Iron Man 2, The Incredible Hulk, Thor, and Captain America), it wouldn't touch Avatar's financial success. Now accumulate those movies into one encore with all of the actors combined in the largest spectacle movie ever produced. We're not talking millions. We're talking fucking billions.

Earlier this year, Disney wanted to bank on the success of Marvel, the studio responsible for these superhero films. Disney acquired Marvel for $4.3 billion. Currently valued at around $43, I wouldn't hesitate in investing in this stock. Beyond the box office bucks, think about all of the merchandise, advertising, and sales in DVDs and Blu-Rays. It will astonish you.

My assessment? Save your money by skimping on the survival kits for December 21st, 2012. It is not going to happen, and you will be wasting your money on false prophets and the biggest hoax manufactured by the World Wide Web in history. Instead, put your cash into a sure winner.

What is Age Appropriate?

2011-04-08T18:47:00.000-07:00

I want to know the fascination with the mixture of age groups in regards to dating and picking up women in bars. I used to think it was pretty cool seeing a guy in his forties, or even fifties hitting on a girl my age. In a sense, it gave me hope for a brighter middle-aged tomorrow. The idea of being divorced or even never married at all at 45 and being able to get women half your age seemed pretty cool.

Yet I see now how at 24 there are problematic issues that arise dating a girl even three years younger than me. The age gap isn't that much of course, but even the three years of experience I have over a girl that's 21 can be immense. I mentally project myself being in my forties and going after a woman who's in her twenties and see so many things just WRONG with it.

The appeal of banging a girl half your age at forty is definitely uplifting. I just think it's pathetic how naive most middle-aged men are to buying into the fact that they can relate to someone who can be their daughters' age. It doesn't just stop with a wild night of taboo sex. The man will carry on and spoil the girl with disposable income just to feel like more of a pimp, or born again single man. All this scenario ends with is disaster and society spitting down on you because yes, you're an idiot. There's one thing to successfully seduce a girl, but who's really being played when you see the "child" again and again and again thinking there's a remote possibility it won't end badly.

My assessment? You want to feel like a player and still be moral about it? Go after a thirty-something. It's a happy-medium success.

Bar Etiquette 101: Choose Your Wingman Carefully

2011-04-08T14:18:00.000-07:00

Every so often I check my phonebook contacts on my cell phone and try seeing how the night would play out eight steps ahead with one of them as a wing man. Truth is, your buddy can either make or break your night. Usually you'll find that if you have the tolerable, easy-going wing man, you might get a number or two. Then there's the bold guy who will stop at nothing to cock-block you, get in your way and talk to every girl he's interested in, as well the ones YOU'RE interested in. The best kind of wing man, however, is the one that seems to be spotlighting as your very own promoter or sponsor. He's the guy who may have a happy situation at home with a good girlfriend and would like to see you have one yourself. Maybe his motive is to live vicariously through you because he feels too guilty cheating on his own girlfriend. This guy is usually the wild card you DO want on your side.

The worst type of wing man, however, is the guy who isn't all there, so to speak. He's looking to fill his own agenda, and sometimes it doesn't even include getting women. For example, say you're talking to a really good-looking girl at the bar. Your friend may chime and say hello to her friend, but will quickly get restless and disappear. An hour later you find him drunk and hard to approach. Let's even say, in all theory, that the girl you started talking to at the beginning of the night decides to come home with you. Problem is your buddy is either:

A) nowhere to be found
B) drunk, difficult to understand, and wants nothing except for pizza
C) insulting your girlfriend, her friend, or both

In either case, you're screwed with this type of wing man. Chances are you've had this guy on your side a few times in the form of different friends. I like to call him Rico: The Self-Serving and Self-Destructive Class Clown. He's usually the guy who's the life of the party throwing up sideways peace signs, but he's usually hogging everyone's good time until he finally ruins their night...

If you have to wonder if you're going to be arrested or assaulted with your wing man, think before you set plans for the night. You might get embarassed. You might get hurt. You might even be killed.

How To Break a Franchise: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

2011-04-08T13:51:00.000-07:00

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, once a beloved franchise featuring four oversized, stoned turtles who practiced martial arts, is being redone into a live action remake. The movie is set for release in 2012, and is rumored to be directed by Spike Jonze, director of movies such as Where The Wild Things Are and Being John Malkovich.

While Spike Jonze is talented, he is way too serious to be taking on the likes of a new Ninja Turtles movie. I, myself was excited to find out that the franchise was being reborn after it was massacred as a children's CGI movie WITHOUT Shredder.

The ninja turtles are primarily geared to aim towards a late teenage to college-age demographic. There are more than subtle suggestions that all these guys do is smoke weed, eat pizza, and are given instructions from an opium-addicted mutant rat. If that's not Adult Swim material for the collegiate pot smokers in the world, I don't know what is.

My theory is that Spike Jonze will try to make the Ninja Turtles into a semi-dramatic statement about a poverty-stricken culture instead of writing about what the Ninja Turtles truly represent: Fun.

My suggestion? Create a show that doesn't suggest, but instead graphically shows four guys dressed up as these turtles (think Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze) smoking weed and pranking pizza delivery guys in the East Village. Be sure to give it a TVMA rating so you can go wild with content and popularize the franchise all over again for who it was intended for. Hollywood shouldn't always go after the easy buck by appealing to toddlers and impressionable kids. Sometimes Hollywood needs to roll the dice and show a different side to things. It might just be what ultimately saves the industry...

Robert Pattinson is Raping Your Daughters!

2011-04-08T12:29:00.000-07:00

A year ago, a God-awful movie called "New Moon" came out. My sister dragged me to see what the fuss was all about to a theatre filled with hormonal pre-teens oozing over an actor I've never heard about: Robert Pattinson. Supposedly girls become fanatics over this guy who barely speaks throughout the entire movie. His relationship and "bond" with co-star Kristen Stewart was so bland and understated that I felt like driving a stake through my chest.

What does it say about pop culture when young, impressionable girls become obsessed over what the media pretty much tells them what to become obsessed over? Robert Pattinson is made to look like nothing more than a paled-out junkie on the verge of performing oral sex on a werewolf for more heroin.

To all you elementary school students: Take a second look at this desirable vampire fantasy of yours. He's not interested in Kristen Stewart. His interest in women should definitely be scrutinized as well. And he's more likely to crawl for a bag of angel dust rather than give you an autograph or the time of day.

To all you fathers of young preteens out there: Your daughters are become as addicted to Robert Pattinson as he seems to be to drugs and male prostitution. My advice? Spend a little bit more time with your daughter and embrace true parental values. It will save your daughter from losing her virginity to a Pattinson look-alike emo, and it may even give your daughter a proper role model to look up to.

Guiditis: The Infectious Virus Has Hit Hollywood

2011-04-08T12:03:00.000-07:00

Dennis Quaid, once a respectable actor in Hollywood has embraced his inner Guido. A professional actor, with a net worth in the seven figures, somehow can't afford afford a shirt.

This is yet another example of Hollywood embracing a very "it" movement started popularly by shows like The Jersey Shore.

But is it evolving into something more than just a trend? Is this fascination with trashy Jersey Guidos and Guidettes turning into a nationwide, if not worldwide degradation of human society?

I moved to South Florida back in 2005 when everything seemed to revolve around South Beach. The MTV Movie Awards, as well as countless movies and TV shows (i.e. CSI Miami and Nip/Tuck) ruled pop culture. It wasn't until a few years later however, that I realized that the center of pop culture would fall even further down the class system ladder and wind up in Seaside Heights.

Seaside Heights is no stranger to popular media. But the Jersey Shore has somehow made the idea of spray-painting your face and dodging "grenades" into something almost romantic. Everyday average Joes will think you look ridiculous, but will still look when you adopt styles reminiscent of Pauly D or Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino.

It seems that we live in a world of excess and materialism. True spirituality and a thirst for higher knowledge and living has been replaced by how much fake bling you can wear and how many cocktails you can pound down the shore in the summer. And now, Hollywood is preaching this lifestyle more than ever.

ATTN: Jersey Guidettes - We Really Don't Think You're Hot

2011-04-08T11:28:00.000-07:00

Yes, there are a few admirable traits the guidettes have. They have the slutty clothes and the attitude that boasts they'll do anything after a few shots of Patron. As for the other 90% of their characteristics, disgusting. Disgusting.

What once was a sweet hometown Italian princess from the suburbs of Northern New Jersey has become an embarassment and cross to bear for her family. She once had flowing brunette hair, a French manicure at seventeen, and a soft coat of makeup highlighting her real features. Her skin was pure and fair with freckles on it. She had a smaller chest, but it was hers, not Doctor Shapiro's.

At some point she felt she should start transforming into a beastly man-guido by tanning heavily, unnecessarily shaping her eyebrows, plumping her lips full of collagen, and piercing her cheek bones. Additionally, her hair has been turned into a morbid black and already looks like it's falling out due to all of the cheap hairspray she puts in it. She has become trash.

Yet, this group of girls in Northern New Jersey, now known as the Guidette Who-ores, actually believe they're the cream of the crop. They dress in slutty outfits they have no business wearing and look like transexual pirate hookers. Perhaps it's because they are part of a much larger culture that relies on heavy drinking at night clubs as a form of socialization. They think they're hot because they wake up the next morning with a juicehead. But I assure you, once the juicehead takes one look at her, he is jumping out of the fucking window in disgust and terror.

To You Snookie look-alikes and other Guidette Freaks: Stop tanning. You look like a promiscuous Oompa Loompa. Also, stop spray-tanning. It's not an improvement. Take off the fake nails. They fall off in our beds and are a bitch to find and clean up the next morning. Stick to one or two coats of makeup, not seven. You look like the Bride of Frankenstein on steroids when you poof your hair. Stop watching Jersey Shore.

As for the slutty clothes... Okay, we'll let you have that one.

Buy Her a Drink at the Bar: Watch Her Walk Away

2011-04-08T10:30:00.000-07:00

You're a really cool guy when you pick out the hottest chick in the bar and claim her to your friends. You're even cooler when you so slyly signal the bartender and request to put her next drink on your tab. You're UBER-COOL when that same hot chick smiles at you at first, but then plays you for a chump and slowly empties your wallet, drink by drink.

Who originally thought that the sure-fire way of getting pussy was to buy the girl a drink at the bar? It's not even the gesture, really. It's more about the fact that most guys lack the confidence to approach a woman, introduce himself, and carry on a conversation. Men think that when they substitute their personalities for Grey Goose and sodas, they're winners, and they've overcharmed the girl from the start. WRONG. WRONG.

Scenario. A half-way intelligent girl is barely greeted by an overanxious guy and is offered a drink. The woman automatically assumes this is a down payment on her pussy, but won't walk away so fast. She figures this guy deserves to be taught a lesson. She'll take him for all he's worth, lead him on to thinking he might have a shot, and then leave when she's texted by the real guy who's willing to talk her into bed.

Assessment? Same guy who buys a girl a drink or four is the same guy who watches her walk out with the douchebag that simply said hello while you were checking your pockets for breath mints and condoms in the bathroom. Save your money.

Hoboken HotSpots

2011-04-08T10:09:00.000-07:00

There's a small city roughly one square mile in size. It offers easy and accessible access to Manhattan via Path Station and is filled with long-established Irish pubs, famous eateries, and even a few notable lounges and clubs. This place is called Hoboken. If you ever happen to be in the area, check out these places as my recommendations for the best hot spots to party at.

The Pub of Choice: McSwiggan's: Skanky and smelly, yes. Crowded with yuppies and college kids ready to make bad decisions, yes. Fun time for a pub? Definitely.

The Lounge of Choice: The W Hotel's Chandelier Room: Hands-down, my favorite spot in Hoboken. Don't wear sneakers or graphic T-shirts to this place as only a select crowd will get in. The decor is phenomenal, and the place even boasts a large terrace with bar service overlooking the most impressive Manhhatan skyline.

The Club of Choice: Clubs are tricky in Hoboken. The problem is that every establishment is trying to copycat another, and you often have the same layout, same people, and same overpriced drinks. What place might be worth it? Try 200 Lounge. Lively crowd, good amount of space, and overall a fun time.

Other places to consider: 340 Lounge, Hoboken Bar and Grill, One Republik...

Do Puerto Rican Guidos Exist?

2011-04-07T21:52:00.000-07:00

Many people feel like Miami is a new world versus Northern NJ. Don't be fooled by the aqua-blue water and breezing palm trees. This place substitutes the Jersey Shore as a haven for New Jersey trash to max out their credit cards and terrorize the nightlife scene. And yes, they still wear the graphic T-shirts.

But I want to divert to a particular local for a second. For confidentiality purposes, we'll call him Rico Fernandez.

I met Rico back in 2006 through a mutual friend. At first, I thought this guy was the coolest kid in the world. He was outgoing, fun to chill with, and down to pick up girls. He made the idea of going out to South Beach so appealing. His pitch? "All you have to do is pick me up in West Miami (over an hour drive from my Miami Beach apartment) and I get you in the clubs dawg!" I was a dumb underage kid who just wanted to party on the weekends. I really didn't know what was ahead for me.

At first, this system did work very well. I'd finish up classes earlier on a Friday, leave campus for my apartment, go to the gym, throw on my suit jacket and jeans and hop in the convertible jacked up and ready to make bad decisions. One hour later, I'd pick up Rico at his parents' house in Kendall. His parents didn't like me because they thought since I wasn't Puerto Rican like them, I was a bad influence. Do I understand the correlation? Does anyone? Didn't think so.

The club scene was always awesome. Here was a nineteen year-old kid getting me into awesome night clubs in Miami Beach. Most notably, was the Fifth. The Fifth was a loft-style club that is always filled with hot girls ready to hook up, a great blend of 80s and House Music, and just pure fun.

It wasn't too long before I realized Rico was a very shady character. I found out he used to steal cars in Puerto Rico and was kicked out of the military for peddling contraband. But hey, it's all in the past and it was a time for having fun and drinking in South Beach. What could go wrong?

Rico had a signature look very reminiscent of the Jersey Guido. He always had a graphic T-Shirt or loud button-down, designer jeans, and posed in pictures with a sideways peace sign and stuck-out tongue. Pure Jersey scumbag material.

In short, Rico started becoming a drug-addicted mess and showed up unannounced to my apartment while my friends from Jersey (non-guidos) were staying for Spring Break. Needless to say, Rico came in with a half-drunken bottle of Smirnoff, had a familiar-looking white powder mustache, and reaked of trouble. He offered to drive us to the Fifth, and like the retard I am, I agreed. Of course when you're coked up and drunk, driving's not always the best idea. We were all about two seconds from getting fatally hit by a cargo truck on the highway after Rico missed the exit twenty miles ago. The fun didn't stop when Rico asked for me to pay for his valet, didn't pay for bottle service, and demanded I lend him my jacket to get in the club. After that night I never saw Rico again.

My assessment: You don't have to be from Jersey to be a coked out tanned douchebag. It's spreading...

Listen Kid: You're No Tony Soprano!

2011-04-07T21:07:00.000-07:00

I'm from Jersey, OK? But at some point in 2004, I needed a break from the wannabe "Growing Up Gotti" generation so I decided to live anywhere and everywhere else besides good old North Jersey. From 2004-late 2009, I lived in Miami, LA, Boston, and even parts of Europe. Since being back in Jersey, finally making the kind of money it takes to live well and on my own, I've taken great pleasure in quietly mocking the born-again GUIDO. I bit my fist when Jersey Shore premiered on MTV for the first time. Seaside Heights, the vile, disgusting breeding ground for guidos and guidettes in the summer, was already a famous landmark in Jersey. Now it would be come a cultural phenomenon.

Now, more than ever, you can walk into any North Jersey lounge or club and see the same tool bags that use heavy competition and excessive personality to win win win, no matter what...

I've seen as some arrogant guys flash a credit card or business card to manipulate themselves into successful situations. In LA, name-dropping is good coarse of action. However, in Jersey, if you're not wearing freshest clothes, spiking your hair so heavily as if you styled it with semen, and wearing a coat of orangey-tan paint on your skin, then get the fuck out of here.

This image is an outward expression of the Jersey Attitude, my friends. For so many years, I wondered why girls sought out these prettyboy posers, and now I completely get it. It's the overbearing competitive, and often arrogant personality factor. Women love men who compete and reak of self-confidence. And New Jersey is the perfect place to find these personalities to the maximum of levels. Look at the geography for a moment. You're next to one of the biggest and boldest powerhouse cities in the world: MANHATTAN. The constant need to compete and prove you're slighly edgier and more exciting is ever-present. Top on the fact that media has influenced Jersey males to look up to fictional gangsters like Tony Soprano and you have the ultimate douche bag.

Let's face it though. Most of these losers aren't successful. They spend half their pay check on ugly graphic T-shirts that make them look like a walking advertisement for Affliction and Ed Hardy. They spend the other half on alcohol and drink to the point of no return> Remember when Ronnie from Jersey Shore bled out of his asshole on the show because he was drinking too much? Great role model. What's left of their pay check, they spend on steroids and enough tanning services that soon enough, their shriveled up, wrinkly cocks will fall off while buying a transexual-looking guidette a cosmo at Karma.

My advice to anyone who's ever thought: Hey! Maybe I should be like the Situation or Pauly D ? Don't. Live your life. Do what's good for yourself and stand out at that night club as your own person. The kind of subculture of women that likes these guidos in the first place all have at least one or two STD's. If you borrow the confidence level that these overzealous douchebags have and adopt it in your own style, you'll be fine. There are only two ingredients that are sure-fire ways of picking up that girl at the bar: Confidence and humor. Tanning products, earrings, and manufactured muscles aren't the secret guys.

P.S. Most Jersey Guidos aren't tough and usually don't fight. They verbally abuse or taunt someone until either A) a cop busts them before a fight happens, B) they receive the first punch and end up crying home with no pussy, or C) get into an overdrawn shoving match that leads to nowhere but humiliation and embarassment.