Defenestrated Feet

Page Statistics are Cocaine for Bloggers

2012-11-07T07:30:00.000-07:00

Watching your blog's visitor stats is EXTREMELY addicting.

And it's most addictive in small doses. When I first started blogging I would compulsively check my stats more frequently than I checked Facebook, Twitter and Gmail combined. Not a single pageview escaped my hungry, all-seeing gaze!

When I realized that 80% of these views were actually my own, it was a letdown. But I soon discovered how to block my own pageviews with a cookie, and the addiction continued:

"Oooh! Two people clicked on my facebook link!"

"Wow, a visit from India!"

"Another one from BC! Grandma got my email!"

Even worse is the crash after the high (we've all been there):

"WAHHHHH no one at all has visited my blog in 5 hours! Nobody loves me! I suck at writing!"

[Looks at pictures of fish for inspiration; ODs on pirogies and skittles]

I'm trying to learn moderation in my addiction. There's been some improvement as more people read my blog and their visits are more equally spread out. I imagine that very VERY popular blog owners must look at their stats and react like this:

"Huh. I got a billion thousand hits this past month. That is a *punches calculator* 5.29% increase over last month. Perhaps my post about disappearing bearsharktopus habitat was moderately interesting after all."

One thing still leaves me very curious.

There are many unknown visitors who have viewed my site at least 10 times. Most of them come here from Facebook. This means I know them.

They come, they read, but they never comment. And it leaves me confused and mentally yelling: "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE???"

Introducing:
LURKERS of DEFENESTRATED FEET*

A tutorial for these wanted posters can be found here, if you're interested.

And now I worry that I've scared them all away...

If you are a seasoned blogger, you're probably familiar with the wonders of statcounter.com and marvel that anyone might be blogging along blindly without it. You couldn't live without the details of IP addresses and commenting habits of your visitors so as to cyberstalk them more efficiently.

If you are an unaware or new blogger you may ask: "You mean I can see exactly who clicks my pages, and when, and in what order, and their screen resolution and operating system and city and country and internet browser? WHAAAT?" Yes, you can. Get thee to the statcounter! (They should totally pay me for this glowing endorsement, yo.)

If you are not a blogger and do not own a website, you're probably OH MY NOODLES freaking out right now. As you read these words you may be naively starting up a virus and malware scan. It's not enough. Paralysed by the thought of identity theft, you will resolve to incinerate your computer, flashdrives, and iPhone. You will cancel all your credit cards and leave the country. The rest of your internet life will be spent trainhopping through Europe, visiting a new internet cafe each day and hiding behind multiple IP proxy servers.

Or at the very least, you will disable all cookies. (But that will only inflate my statistics to ridiculous highs. And then my head will explode, and nobody wants to see the mess that would make.)

The best solution by far is to somehow make this blog famous overnight! Your visits will be lost in a sea of traffic and my logs will only go back 30 minutes because a 500-entry log is free and I'm too poor to justify paying money for the privilege of being creepy.

I win. You win. Everybody wins! (But mostly me.)

*If you ARE one of the people who come here looking for pictures of butts, shame on you! But the info here is (mostly) fake.

Behind the Scenes: Defenestrated Drawings

2012-10-23T07:30:00.000-06:00

Up until now my illustration process has been extremely tedious. My pictures may not look like much, but I put HOURS of effort into those things. The post from last week with ten pictures in it? At least ten, maybe twenty hours to write and draw, easy.

So what is my drawing process, anyway?

I thought you'd never ask!

1) First I pencil-sketch everything in no-copy blue. Sometimes I'll photocopy it to have more than one original to work with.
2) Then I ink over it with felt-tip pen.

3) I scan it in, adjust the colour levels, and fix pen mistakes. I do all my digital work in GIMP, which you can download for free.
4) The colouring begins! Depending on complexity and depth, this can take 15 minutes... or up to two hours, like in this case.

5) Sometimes I add a background. This picture was pretty fancy, so the background took upwards of a half hour.
6) The finished work of art! Take a closer look and read the related blog post here.

But guess what?

I got a tablet! (Not the iPad type, no. A graphics tablet.)

Behold: the Wacom Bamboo Pen and Touch! I found this one second-hand on Kijiji for $50, which is a sweet deal at only half the price of the newer, more stylish model.

On the other hand, this one has features that even the new one doesn't (specifically, an eraser on the stylus).

The verdict: I am IN LOVE with how natural and intuitive it feels to use this thing. The response is great and the pressure sensitivity has so much potential! It's fun to play with and loads better than a trackpad. I even find myself reaching for it instead of my mouse...

And THIS is my first fish-person drawing done entirely on the tablet! Hmmm... I need more practice. XD

Jubilations ensue!

I still have 3 or 4 upcoming posts illustrated in the traditional method, but these will phase out as I start using my tablet.

With any luck, this new gadget will mean more drawings for you and also more sleep for me! Woo-hoo!

So what about the rest of you? Artists, cartoonists, and casual doodlers — what do you draw with?

A graphics tablet?
Tablet computer?
Mouse?
Camera? (Yes, that totally counts!)
Ordinary pens?
Or a trackpad? (Yuck!)

The painfully realistic guide to looking FIVE* years younger - instantly!

2012-10-09T07:30:00.000-06:00

Tried, tested and proven - enjoy!
*Results may vary.

Step 1: Don't wear makeup.

Step 2: Don't do anything with your hair.

Step 3: Squash a brightly-coloured bicycle helmet onto your frizzy head and pedal to the nearest public library.

Step 4: Sweatily attempt to renew your library card:

In other news, I turned 20 last week! YAY!

Do you look your age? Am I the only University student out there who gets mistaken for a pre-teen? (Please tell me I'm not.)

Amazon Illustrated: Giant Mutant Ants!

2012-09-24T07:30:00.000-06:00

The Internet is a very strange place. Take a serious look around and you will find no shortage of flame wars, porn, rage comics, atrocious grammar, porn, advertising, porn, and forums and communities built around every bizzare topic imaginable.

But once in a while, people on the Internet come together just to have fun. And sometimes such a thing can grow a mind of its own and become bigger than any of the contributors... and it can be downright hilarious.

This is one of those times.

Allow me to present this tin of Uranium Ore available on Amazon.com for the low price of $49.95 USD! (Plus shipping.)

Yes, this is a REAL product.

Let's see what reviewers have to say about it, shall we?

---------------

247 of 260 people found the following review helpful

1.0 out of 5 stars

Movies Lie

By Melvazord - See all my reviews

This review is from: Uranium Ore

Do not be fooled by this product. I bought this along with four terrapins and a rat (since I couldnt lay my hands on a warthog and a rhino). I rubbed this product into my skin and gums then rolled around with the terrapins and the rat.

Long story short I did NOT end up with my own crime-fighting mutant superhero team. The rat bit me and I crushed the terrapins. Also I now have a strange rash and Im coughing up blood, whats up with that?

Avoid.

---------------

9,068 of 9,225 people found the following review helpful

3.0 out of 5 stars

Great Product, Poor Packaging

By Patrick J. McGovern "Procrastinating Evil Scientist" (Hollowed Out Volcano Lair) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Uranium Ore

I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.

---------------

2,924 of 3,047 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars

Ok for cleaning teeth, not so great for killing ants...

By Nero Goldstein "Bemused by a Muse" (The Great Nation of Texas) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Uranium Ore

Picked this up for use in one of my kid's 'diversity' projects in school (Great Success!), and stuck the leftovers in the cabinet next to the baking soda.

Ran out of toothpaste, and remembered how you're supposed to be able to use baking soda to clean your teeth, so of course, I accidentally used this instead, and Wow! all I can say is, my teeth have never been cleaner! They sparkle, they tingle, and for some reason, they STAY clean now, no matter what. Highly recommended!

However, when I ran out of that fire-ant killer powder stuff, I figured I would try some for that too.

Big mistake!

Boy, it sure did not kill those ants!

Fortunately, those suckers get slower as they get bigger, so I have been able to use a shovel to take care of most of them, one at a time though, the sneaky devils.

And the darn trash man refuses to take them away..

I would have given this product 5 stars for the teeth and the project on embracing diversity, but I deducted one star because of the giant mutant ants.

---------------

I pulled out some of the best, but there are literally hundreds of these reviews. Want more? Here you go!

Funny and sarcastic reviews can be found all over Amazon.com. Do you have another example I should try illustrating? Link me up in the comments! If I use your suggestion, I'll link back to your blog or website in the post. =)

Food Wizardry on a Budget: How to Stock Your Shelves!

2012-09-10T06:30:00.000-06:00

And now for something completely different... and unusually practical! School is starting up and many students are moving away from home, so I thought I would impart a little culinary wisdom.

So you've just moved into a new place... with an empty fridge and a thriving colony of dust-bunnies in the cupboards. You want to survive on more than Kraft Dinner while you're there, but what ingredients should you buy? The idea of stocking a pantry from scratch can be quite overwhelming, and the cost can be downright scary for a struggling student.

So what are your options?

You could plan all your meals in advance and buy only the ingredients needed for each recipe, but the cost (and time!) per meal at the outset can be discouraging, and extra ingredients might be left to sit unused until they spoil. Additionally, you lose the ability to create dinner on the spot from ingredients you have on hand.

A better idea is to acquire a pantry and fridge full of staples: basic ingredients that can be used to create most recipes, often without any unusual additions.

But what should you buy? If you get only a few general things, you might have difficulty finding recipes that work with the ingredients you have. If you try and get everything, it will be very expensive — and more likely than not, you’ll end up with many obscure ingredients you rarely or never use.

Never fear! I’ve compiled a list of 60 basic ingredients to jump-start your collection. These are the ones I use most frequently, and I can prepare an enormous selection of food using only what's listed below. While this list is not exhaustive or completely essential, it does provide a great starting point.

Herbs and Spices:

Garlic powder
Salt
Pepper
Basil
Oregano
Parsley
Dill weed
Paprika
Cayenne pepper
Chili powder
Cumin
Cinnamon
Ginger
Nutmeg

Herbs and spices are the crux of good cooking: they can easily make the difference between “edible” and “gourmet.” Although at several dollars for a tiny bottle they can seem expensive, remember that they last a long time. The best strategy is to select a few recipes to start with that use only a couple of spices. Buy only the ones you need, and add to your collection gradually. Soon you will have all of these and more, and you can start experimenting by adding new spices to your recipes! (One of my favourite pastimes.)

TIP: a little garlic powder, basil and oregano will make anything taste like pizza! Try adding them with tomato to a grilled cheese sandwich and see what you think.

Baking:

All-purpose flour
White sugar
Powdered sugar
Brown sugar
Cornstarch
Baking powder
Baking soda
Yeast (regular or instant)
Molasses
Vanilla extract

Even if you don’t plan on “baking,” you’ll need to have most of these on hand anyway. Flour and cornstarch are frequently used as thickeners in soups and sauces, and I am a firm believer that a teaspoon of sugar makes any recipe three times better. Besides, developing your baking skills alongside cooking is never a bad idea — few things are as satisfying as making your own fresh buns or biscuits from scratch.

Pantry Items:

Rice (or alternative)
Dried pasta
White vinegar
Balsamic vinegar
Vegetable oil
Olive oil
Broth or soup stock

Rice or pasta is the base for many filling meals. When it comes to selecting pasta, don’t feel that you need a box of every type. (Has anyone ever died from eating spaghetti sauce with fettuccini noodles?) So if you’re trying to keep things inexpensive, start with one “long” noodle (spaghetti or fettuccini) and one “fancy” noodle (rotini, penne or bow-tie are all great choices).

There are also many vinegars to choose from — balsamic, red wine, cider, and rice, to name a few — but once again, start with one or two. Plain white vinegar is fine for baking where its only use is in chemical reactions, but be sure to use a flavoured vinegar for dressings and sauces.

Canned Goods:

Crushed tomatoes
Tomato paste
Diced tomatoes
Mushrooms
Beans
Tuna
Other canned fruit and vegetables

Canned goods are great pantry staples thanks to their long shelf life and potent flavours. You’ll notice that tomatoes are on this list three times — they have more culinary uses than I can count! Likewise, tuna is one of the best canned meats and can be used so many ways: straight out of the can in salads or wraps, broiled in sandwiches, cooked in casseroles, and more. Pick a few of your favourites to add to this list. I never go without canned pineapples, my all-time favourite pizza topping.

Perishables and Produce:

Eggs
Milk
Bread
Butter
Cheese
Parmesan cheese
Sour cream
Onion
Garlic
Potatoes
Tomatoes
Frozen fruit and vegetables

These ingredients are easy! You probably keep many of these on hand anyway, even if you don’t consider yourself a cook. The tricky part is ensuring they don’t spoil, but they’re actually very easy to use up. Leftover potatoes and eggs can become scrambled eggs and hash browns, and many more of these ingredients can be added to sandwiches.

Onion and garlic are essential for numerous dishes, but be sure to pick out a few more fruits and veggies during each shopping trip. Even if you don’t cook something with them, you’ll eat healthier if you reach for them as snacks instead of carb-filled foods. Frozen fruit and vegetables are wonderful to have on hand – the veggies can be steamed, fried, or added to soups, and the fruit can be eaten with yogurt or cereal or in smoothies.

Condiments:

Mayonnaise
Mustard
Ketchup
Relish
Salsa
Soy sauce
Teriyaki sauce
Peanut butter
Lemon juice
Honey

Many cooks keep fresh lemons on hand for their juice, but I find that buying bottled lemon juice works fine in most cases. You can also use it to make killer lemonade — who needs cheap drink crystals?

Finally, a word of advice regarding condiments (and all other food items on this list, for that matter): if you know you don’t like it, don’t buy it! Yes, sometimes a food you dislike can add a wonderful flavour when used as part of a larger dish. (I’m looking at you, mushrooms!) But when starting out, your best shot at success lies in making foods with simple, standard ingredients you already know you like.

Good luck and happy cooking!

Have any kitchen tips or tricks of your own? Share them in the comments! :)

How to change your life forever: change what you think you are capable of.

2012-03-19T19:00:00.004-06:00

I'd like to say that ALL OF YOU ARE INCREDIBLE.

Your messages of support for my crazy dream of flying to space have been overwhelming.

So many have told me that they believe in me, that they are telling everyone they know to vote and that they themselves are "voting the crap out of my page." (Many thanks to ABFTS for making me laugh really hard at that!)

But still others have written to thank me. Several people have told me how they or someone close to them are going through their own struggles with depression, anxiety, or both. They say my writing has helped, touched and inspired them.

I'm sorry for those of you who are still struggling. :( My heart is with you, and I only wish I could do something more to help. If I could, I would give you all an enormous hug.

And I am incredibly grateful. Because even if the ONLY thing I accomplished by entering this contest was to help someone, somewhere, just a little, it was totally worth it.

Knowing that I've helped people gives me an absolutely wonderful feeling inside. (I imagine it's similar to the feeling of visiting space. Probably even better!) =']

So where am I at? At time of writing my entry has received almost 1000 votes. This is way more than I anticipated and I am extremely touched. Out of over a THOUSAND entries, I am in the top sixty. This is incredible!

Is it enough to win by next Monday? I'll be honest: probably not. Am I going to give up? HECK NO.

So I'm setting a goal. A realistic goal, I think, but one that will require me to keep putting everything I have into this. That was my plan - all or nothing. I would love to make it into the top 20.

At time of writing, 5000 votes would put me there... but other people will be getting more votes too. Of course, since everyone can vote ten times a day, it's more like "500 votes." Right? =P

If you have a blog and want to support the cause, would you consider putting this button on your site? (Just for a week?) The code is all right here in the box; simply copy-paste it into an html widget. (The bottom image links to the voting page, and the top image links to the post where I explain it all.)

(If you do, THANK YOU FOREVER in advance! You are WONDERFUL!)

Win or lose, just entering this contest has already been the best decision I've made in a while. I already find myself looking at new challenges and opportunities differently. I have plans in the next month to pursue two new (slightly more realistic =P) goals despite how much they scare me. If I was capable of overcoming my doubts and entering this contest, well... how much more am I capable of?

A whole CRAPLOAD, that's what!

Thank you times a million to everyone who has supported me in this and who continues to support me. I'll keep bugging you for one more week. Just seven days! I'll post something of my more usual fare later this week. =)

♥ Lots of love,
Ellen

One Batcrap-Crazy Girl, Looking Up. (UPDATED)

2012-03-15T07:45:00.000-06:00

One year ago, I was just beginning to recover from depression.

I've alluded to it, lightheartedly, in my first real post. But I haven't talked about it.

My freshman year of university was the lowest point in my life. Left reeling for months after the abrupt end of a turbulent relationship, I lost my main emotional support and "core membership" in the group of friends who had anchored me for six years. I frequently felt left out, excluded, and forgotten: an afterthought, if I was thought of at all.

A growing uncertainty in everything I once believed in took its toll. Feelings of inadequacy and failure were the norm... I saw myself giving up on so much without trying, and I felt even worse.

My own depression was not the worst of it. At the same time, a close family member was suffering from delusional mental illness. My family life was fraught with fear and paranoia, and the colossal chaos of it all was overwhelming.

I am grateful for some things. I was never suicidal. I had two friends who I could always turn to. I somehow managed to make it through my classes.

And with time came healing. Unexpected people helped in unexpected ways. Counselling sessions were abandoned, first because I found a job and later because I didn't need them anymore.

Life was looking up.

Around this time, I started writing my Bucket List.

This List is rather eclectic. To date I have accomplished a whopping three and a half items. But sandwiched between "hold a Harry Potter movie marathon" and "make it through university debt-free" is this:

Visit space and experience weightlessness
(long shot, maybe, but I’d love to.)

I was fascinated by astronomy when I was younger (still am, in fact.) But this was ridiculous. Unrealistic. Just a crazy dream. Balderdash. Bullpoo. Batcrap. So why is it on my Bucket List?

It's there because if I could do absolutely anything, I'd want to do it.

So what do you do when you're presented with a chance... even the TINIEST SMALLEST chance... to make your craziest dreams come true? DUH. YOU TAKE IT.

Last week I discovered that Metro News International is holding a contest. The winner will be one of the first-ever civilians to experience spaceflight.

I nearly went into shock. I've been thinking about this almost constantly ever since, but I haven't told anyone.

I am paralyzed by fear of failure.

The regional finalists are determined by votes. If I had an enormous horde of loyal followers, maybe I'd stand a chance. But I'm not Allie Brosh. I'm not Jenny Lawson. I'm Ellen. Just Ellen, a girl who would rather give up without trying if I think I might fail.

It's sadly laughable. If this were some random iPad contest: "OMG-like-us-on-Facebook-for-a-one-in-a-million-chance-to-win!!1!!11!!!" I'd have entered, no problem.

When you are:
a) facing a contest for something that would really matter to you, and
b) sick to your stomach with anxiety whenever you think about entering

...sometimes you can't help but ask: "What is wrong with me?"

I have nothing to lose but my fear.

I've lost count of all the things I've been too shy, too scared, or too unsure to do. The worst of it was last year, but it's an ongoing trend. I'll get SUPER-excited about something, have second thoughts, doubts, and then decide to forget it entirely. I've had my fair share of times where I've tried something crazy and failed dismally, which doesn't help.

I want to change this, this view I have of myself and the limitations I continually self-impose. Why not now?

But I can't let myself pull off a half-arsed attempt and say: "Ha! There. I entered and no one voted for me; big surprise. So much for that crap!"

And that is why I am sharing this EVERYWHERE, starting now. Here on my blog, Facebook, twitter, and with all the friends and family I can reach. It will mean the world to me if you click here and vote for my submission.

UPDATED: You can actually vote TEN TIMES every day; please do! If you spread the word and tell other people to vote, that would be Even-MORE-Amazing.

(If you believe in me that much, well... I wish I could send you flowers!!! I'll think of something.)

The simplest things in the world are often the hardest to do.

Today's post is the toughest thing I have ever written. This sounds dumb, but it's true.

Will I publish it? There's still time. No one knows about this. I can forget it and move on with my practical life. That's what's comfortable, natural and perfectly reasonable... but empty.

Because sometimes it doesn't matter if your chances of success are one in seven hundred...

...or one in seven BILLION.

As cliché as is sounds, sometimes trying is the scariest part.

How To Inject your Travel Photos with 300% More Awesome

2012-03-09T09:47:00.000-07:00

Most people over-share their travel photos.

When I see your blog post with twenty, thirty, fifty random pictures of some random place that you visited and thought was amazing, I try REALLY hard to stay interested! I really do!

But it doesn't happen. At best, I might skim through half the list. :(

Some say that photos of people are more interesting. This might be true... but unless I know you really well, do you really think your random pictures of random places will be improved by adding faces of random people?

...yeahhhhhhhh — No.

A Week in Montreal, Quebec

I was recently lucky enough to spend a week visiting a close friend, terrorizing Montreal together and exuding general awesomeness. It was a fantastic trip and I'd like to share some of it... ideally, without boring any readers to tears.

Thing 1. Of the eight hundred pictures I took, I am sharing only seven.

Thing 2. Fish-People! (If this one needs explaining, scroll down.)

So without further ado, here are seven "photos" of my week-long reign of terror in Montreal.

Godzilla ain't got nothin' on this!

RUN, FOOLS! FLEE FOR YOUR PITIFUL LIVES! RUN, BEFORE I...

...why aren't you running? Why are you looking at me with disdain and impunity? Do you expect me to speak French? Oh. Right... you do. Darn Quebecers!

Excusez-moi. ...FUYEZ! SAUVE QUI PEUT!!! JE VAIS VOUS ÉCRASER SOUS MON PIED!*

Monkeying around

I have no idea what building I'm climbing, but this is my King Kong impression. It could use a few more screaming people... and some explosions. Everything becomes more epic with random explosions!

When yoooou wish upoonn a staaaar...

The awe-inspiring interior of the Notre Dame Basilica. Is it just me or does it look a LOT like the Disney castle? I'm expecting Tinker Bell to fly out and shower me with glitter any moment now...

We watched a Sound and Light show here, presented in French and narrated by the maniacal "ghost" of the Basilica. MWAHAHAHA!!!

Let it snow!

Every winter Montreal creates a "Snow Village." It includes a restaurant, ice bar, arctic spas, igloos, an ice hotel, and overnight accommodations for 300! (YOU CAN ACTUALLY SLEEP IN AN IGLOO, PEOPLE.)

I'm standing in front of the "ice chapel," which can be booked for winter weddings. (Hope no one gets cold feet! *cue groans*)

Giant aspirations

Olympic-sized me, posing with Montreal's Olympic Tower! We didn't go inside though. There were more important things to do... like looking at penguins.

Nerd alert: Buckyballs!

My favourite building in all of Montreal! This dome-thing (currently a water ecosystems museum) was designed by architect R. Buckminster Fuller. Scientists would later name carbon nanospheres (fullerenes) after him because they looked like his designs.

TRIVIA: The metal dome structure was originally covered in acrylic panels, but in 1976 a massive fire destroyed the entire acrylic covering in 30 minutes! Epic old-time video footage here.

With a cherry on top

Last but not least, I can't talk about Montreal without mentioning the culinary scene! We visited a great little restaurant called Juliette & Chocolat, where I ate an ENORMOUS crêpe. Ice cream, whipped cream, strawberries, raspberry syrup... and chocolate.

Speaking of chocolate, their drinks menu alone had over twenty different types of hot chocolate. The fancier fare were described like fine wines... each claiming a subtle flavour infused into the cocoa from the dirt itself. The typical fare was there too. Mint hot chocolate? Got it. Peanut butter hot chocolate? Definitely. Fairy tears and angel dust hot chocolate? If such a thing exists, they're hoarding it in a back room somewhere.

And selling it on the black market, most likely. =P

*Translation: RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! I WILL CRUSH YOU BENEATH MY FOOT! (Also, I have no real prejudice towards French-Québécois. Amour et licornes à tous!) ♥

A question for all my fellow doodle-bloggers and blogger-illustrators: have you ever drawn yourself into a photo?
If you decide to try it, please link up in the comments! :D

The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test! (Part 2 of 2)

2012-02-17T08:15:00.000-07:00

What is the secret to a successful relationship?

Is it chocolate? Ice cream sundaes?

Laughing at each other's farts?

Is relationship compatibility something you can learn?

Learn all this and more in The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test: a fail-proof, fool-proof, EXPLOSION-proof guide to finding your soulmate. Read on to unravel the mysteries of Love and Romance!

The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test!

Presented in Two Parts

(In Part 1: Mutual Attraction, we learned how to tell if ~~the guy/gal you stalk daily~~ that special someone likes you back! The techniques learned in Part 1 are crucially important, so read that first if you missed it.)

PART 2. Determining Compatibility

People are puzzle pieces: some of us fit together and some don't.

...No, not like that! Jeez people, I have kid siblings who read this blog. Keep it PG, yo. ANYWAY. I will now explain how to measure your relationship compatibility using a handy (hurr hurr) analysis called the Puzzle Test.

Step 1: Fold your hands together and interlace the fingers. Make a note of which thumb is on top.

The top one is your dominant thumb and your bottom thumb is submissive. (Yes, har har. Shut up.) As a rule of thumb, a dominant right thumb matches a submissive left thumb, and a dominant left thumb matches a submissive right thumb.

Try interlacing your fingers with the other one on top. (If you don't find this extremely uncomfortable, something is wrong with you.) Now imagine the love of your life squishing your fingers together in that awkward position... FOREVER.

NO. DO NOT WANT!

Step 2: While in the company of your special someone, deliberately fold your hands. As we discussed in Part 1, the person should instinctively copy your movement.

Step 3: Observe their folded hands and note the position of their thumbs relative to yours.

Scenario A: You and your S.O. match.

REJOICE, FOR THE FATES HAVE ALIGNED!

Cupcakes will fall from the sky! Penguins will serenade you with love songs! Sunsets will set with dazzling colours and clouds will form heart-shapes wherever you go! You will live happily ever after, have twenty children together, be reborn in the afterlife as unicorns and live happily ever after AGAIN.

(Enjoy hand-holding while you can, sucker! You can't even hold a hoof, so there!)

Scenario B: You and your S.O. are different.

Differing thumb preferences are entirely incompatible, and hand-holding will always be agony for one of you. Please join me in observing a moment of silence for your doomed relationship.

...
...
...

You have my heartfelt condolences.

What? You doubt my wisdom? It will never work, I tell you, and here is why:

Done properly, hand-holding is an enjoyable activity that gives everyone involved the warm fuzzies (or the sticky sweaties). It should not be difficult. Imagine yourself, now, with your special someone:

Rainbows shine from their nostrils and flowers sprout from their ears. They are beautiful! PERFECT! And — yes — THEY'RE WALKING THIS WAY. They flash you a dazzling smile and a sultry wink and you blink, blushing furiously. You look up to see them standing beside you, and as their fingers lovingly interlace with yours, your heart melts...

But alas, having your hand held contrary to its native thumb alignment is inter-digital agony. The torture leaves you unable to concentrate on anything... no, not even your partner's jewel-bright eyes or the melodic sound of their voice. You sit in silence, blood rushing through your ears, until you can bear it no longer.

Hesitant, you re-grasp their hand in an attempt to restore comfort. You hope that it might last a few minutes. Equality in hand-holding is a fundamental right! But all too soon, they "correct" your correction, putting you right back where you started.

This cycle might occur several times. Again and again they crush your hand and soul in blissful ignorance, and finally you give up. Your self esteem dies a slow, torturous death and you are never happy again.

PRO TIP: If you experience no problems when handholding but have not performed the Puzzle Test, beware! You may be doing the crushing!

Sometimes people with opposing thumb alignments are cursed with a double-share of selfish stubbornness. Hand-holding conflict increases exponentially and things get ugly VERY fast. Observe:

"Alright, we've done things her way for a while.
Time to switch things up here."

"Just WHAT does he think he's doing? Is the way
I hold hands not good enough for him?"

"Not again! Everything is ALWAYS about you, you, you;
it's high time I had MY needs met in this relationship!"

"What an insensitive JERK. I bet he doesn't truly love ME at all,
he only wants me for my hands!!! Misogynistic PIG."

The situation quickly escalates into a full-scale thumb war of total destruction! Both of you will perish in a kaleidoscopic explosion, leaving behind a small crater of angst and sadness.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Have you ever had an awkward hand-holding experience? Share your story in the comments! And remember, if reading this made you smile, please share the love by sharing this post. Thanks!

The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test! (Part 1 of 2)

2012-02-13T14:51:00.000-07:00

ATTENTION: all happy couples, not-so-happy couples, and those who wish they were coupled!

Are you in a relationship?

Do you want to be?

Do you wish there was some way to tell if the sweet, juicy, possibly-worm-infested apple of your eye is The One?

If the answer is YES, you're in luck! Just in time for Valentine's day this year, I am releasing a fail-proof, all-inclusive, Relationships-For-Dummies test that can tell you — yes, YOU — if your current, potential, or imaginary relationship is headed for boatloads of bliss or doomed to dismal failure.

Discover the secrets of the amorous mind! Learn how to demonstrate your affections with directness AND subtlety! Determine exactly what you're looking for and how to find it! Identify compatible beauties and win their undying love and admiration!

All this and more for a tiny, miniscule, one-time, EXTREMELY low fee of...

Drum roll please:
dadadadadadadadadadadadadadadada...

One wooden nickel and a Facebook "Like."*

Enjoy!

The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test!
Presented in Two Parts

PART 1. Mutual Attraction

The first step to finding a valentine is finding someone who likes you. Everyone has experienced the supreme suckitude of unrequited love. It's pointless to waste your life longing for someone who's always out of reach.

You will become a grouchy old bat who hates children. Don't do it!

To find out if somebody likes you we will use a phenomenon called the Mirror Effect. Have you ever played the children's game Simon Says? It's probably an ancient mating ritual. Anyway, when people are in love they will mindlessly copy the other person without even realizing it. Because PSYCHOLOGY. And SCIENCE.** Thusly, the following test is scientific† and totally guaranteed.‡

Step 1: While sitting or standing in a position visible to your target, make a deliberate movement such as crossing your legs or extending your nose hairs.

Subtlety is key! The action needs to be something your victim could end up doing by accident. YOU NEED TO INFILTRATE THEIR SUBCONSCIOUS, YO.

None of this, okay? YOU WILL FAIL AND DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT.

Step 2: Observe victim closely. VERY CLOSELY.

Scenario A: Victim copies your movement.

Success! You've already won their heart, you sexy thing, you.

But don't get your hopes too high! You still don't know if you are compatible. Come back later and learn the secret to a successful relationship in Part 2: Determining Compatibility.

Scenario B: Victim does nothing, does something else, or dies of boredom.

Sorry, they don't like you. Probably. ...Alright, we're only 99% sure.

To be absolutely certain, check your appearance. It's remotely possible that you have an enormous nose-pimple obscuring your face and your crush has mistaken you for a well-dressed mushroom.

This would be sort of adorable if you weren't missing half your face!

*Just kidding! You can keep that wooden nickel. But if you can spare a "Share," "Like," "Tweet" or "+1," that would be awesome. ♥

**The Author is not to be held liable for any resultant abuse of scientific principles.

†Not really scientific.

‡Guaranteed to be inaccurate, that is.

Click here to read Part 2: Determining Compatibility!
(It has TWELVE pictures, making it three times better than this post.)

Procrastination: A History

2012-01-30T14:50:00.000-07:00

I've been a procrastinator for as long as I can remember.

...And that statement is 100% literal. What follows is actually my earliest childhood memory: a tragic tale of one part incontinence, two parts procrastination and three parts dismal failure.

At no more than three years of age, I was literate at a grade 8+ level and thoroughly potty-trained. But one day I found myself too engrossed in play to listen to nature's calls.

I was sitting in the family room at the time, happily constructing a tower. It had been a year since my last accident and I was quite capable of holding my own urine, thank you very much. But LEGOs were much more interesting than my stupid bladder; nature could go piss itself 'cause I wasn't going to.

With each warning of impending leakage, I thought: "I'll just place a couple more blocks. Then I'll go." I figured I could hold off for... oh, at least another ten minutes. I was doing Important Things and I needed to finish them.

This doomed rationale continued far, far longer than it should have.

Finally the moment came when pure instinct took over.

I could not wait a minute longer — I had to go, NOW.

Fearing the worst, I jumped to my feet and booked it down the hallway. It would be close, but I was going to make it! I still had time!

The distance to the toilet was a mere 20 feet, but I fought for every inch.

Tiny legs churning furiously, I dashed into the bathroom with seconds to spare. I didn't bother to close the door behind me, but by golly, I had done it! I was home free! Relief was so close ~~I could taste it!~~ (No wait. Eww.)

I threw up the lid of the toilet, whipped down my pants and...

Peed ALL over them.

Naturally, these purple pants were invisible prior to removal.

I was a mess. Enter on cue my dear mother, who cleaned me up and consoled my traumatized self.

She has no memory of any of this, but it has stayed with me for 16 long years. I should have learned a lesson here, but I think only my bladder muscles have gained any self-control.

This still happens so often — with schoolwork, catching the next bus and neglecting to stir my morning oatmeal as it cooks — that I've even named it the "Peed Pants Phenomenon."

The Peed Pants Phenomenon:
A form of non-functional procrastination where a task is put off just barely past the point of catastrophe; right up until the deadline actually occurs, the victim firmly believes that he or she can still make it on time.

Thankfully, I've never suffered a relapse involving urine.

Have you ever peed your pants, literally or figuratively? Share your story in the comments!

Is that a pineapple in your wheelbarrow or are you just happy to see me?

2012-01-26T07:15:00.000-07:00

If you aren't happy to see me, that's okay. I promise not to be too offended. You'll give me that pineapple as an apology, right?

(Pineapples are nearly equivalent with happiness anyway.)

Thank you to Jay at Happenings from an Undisclosed Location for suggesting this post's title! It makes about as much sense as a tsunami in a soup tureen, but it WORKS. And it helped me start writing again. Jubilations ensue!!!

I could say that I've been busy, and that would be true. I could also say it's why I haven't posted in forever, but that would... not be true.

It's sad and pathetic when you stop doing something you love for no justifiable reason, but that's pretty much what I did. :(

So much has happened since July! Crazy things, and busy things, and chaotic things, and fun things and some sad things, but also very happy things! Of the SPLENDIFEROUS variety.

(Also I totally kicked Calculus butt last semester.)

All in all my life looks a bit like this:

Follow the butterflies!

...and once again, I have caught the blogging bug.

And so, dear readers, this post will not be my last.

I won't say when my next post will be (because ~~when~~ IF I fail it will throw me into a second abyss of doom, guilt and procrastination) but it will happen. Hopefully it will be funny!

No promises. =P

P.S. A note of thanks to fellow bloggers ib and Gabi for saying that they liked my blog and wished I would post more often. I wish I posted more often too! Thanks for giving me the warm fuzzies. ^^

Everyone likes... BUTTS?

2011-07-21T00:00:00.002-06:00

I know, right?

But look! I have the views to prove it:

Disregarding the time I tagged semi-famous people in Facebook photos and linked them to my blog, "Butts" is my most popular post ever. This is obviously a subtle hint at the big break that will one day make me internet-famous! *sarcasm hand* I need to use more shocking, mildly disturbing post titles.

Suggestions, anyone?

Bonus points if you can create a sensational title or headline using one of the following words/phrases!

Pineapple
Skadoosh
Skittles (who doesn't love skittles?)
Funkydiscombooblegum
Thumb wars
"How to destroy the perfect _____________"
O.C.S.A.Y.D.
Sleepophone
Pocket Lint
Angry potatoes

In other news...

Am I really that dull?
My blog stats have told me something. (I'm a stat-whisperer; it's like speaking Parseltongue but with more binary.) People frolic happily across my blog only to leave when they find my repulsively boring "About" page. I've got to do something about that — what do you guys want to know about me? (Nothing too stalkerish, kay? Kay.)

About those crazy things I draw:
FAQ has a NEW entry! (Where "NEW" is defined as "more recent than my last fossil of a post.") I'd like to introduce you all to the FAQmonster. He smells of ignorance and curiosity and has a body the texture of cornstarch mixed with pancake syrup. Please feed him, preferably before he eats any of my more questionable (see what I did there?) post drafts.

This is eerily appropriate...
The winning post idea on my reader's poll was "A History of Procrastination." Meanwhile, I disappeared for over three weeks. Haven't blogged; haven't read blogs; haven't commented on blogs. Mostly this was because I felt guilty about not posting on mine and it snowballed and now Google Reader has ~~579~~ ~~647~~ 678 unread items. But wait — I have excuses!

I started work. (My summer job involves getting exercise, presents and a major sock tan. JEALOUS, right?)
I became hopelessly addicted to Google+.
I got my driver's license! STAY OFF THE ROADS! Just kidding; ~~I don't have a car!~~ My parents went out of town and left me one for the week? WHAT? Ohmygosh. I can go anywhere! Run errands! ~~Drive to work even though biking is faster!~~ What should I do? o.O [Car remains parked in street, doing nothing.]
I'm a chronic procrastinator; deal with it.

I'm going to spend the next couple days reading blogs, keeping up with comments and ~~stalking my readers and fellow bloggers on Google+~~. Then I'll get started on that historical procrastination anecdote. I can't promise it will be the next thing I post, but I will be working on it.

Don't forget to send me post titles! The crazier the better — I might write a whole post as an excuse to use it!

Of HTML and Blogger: Here Be Dragons.

2011-06-25T01:54:00.005-06:00

The legendary Bloggogg and his devil-spawn

My experience with HTML is extremely limited. I like to figure things out, but this is my blog and it's mine and it's wonderful (to me) and I'M TERRIFIED OF MESSING IT UP REALLY BAD. I swear I've backed up my blog template a platypillion times.

Also, getting something to almost work drives me up a spider-covered volcano of incapacitating OCD-like frustration. I will work on it for days instead of writing new posts... (hem hem) and then I get behind and don't post anything for a week. Sorry. D=

But such was the process of trying to add sharing and Facebook "like" buttons to my blog.

Before I started this blog, my only knowledge of HTML was from grade 7 computers class when we created our own webpages and published them on the school's intranet. Mine looked like this... only worse, because instead of a cartoon the picture was a grainy scan of my student ID card.

Our teacher was wrong. Large paragraphs of centered text ooze of visual barf and eye-seizures. They're slightly worse than using two spaces after periods, but not quite as bad as publishing in a monospaced font like Courier New.

But I digress.

I discovered AddThis last week and wanted to add its fancy buttons to all my posts... so people could like them and share them and stalk them. *cough* But AddThis didn't want to co-operate and Blogger made things difficult.

Working with HTML was as bad as trying to edit an essay written in another language... but without the help of using Google translate.

I finally got everything to work. I may or may not have stayed up until 4 am.

There are two things I'm getting at here...

Firstly:

If you have a Blogger blog, want to do something like what I did (or anything seen on this blog actually) and happen to think I could be helpful for whatever crazy reason...

Go ahead and ask! I like helping! Also, emails make me happy.

I did this so you don't have to. I'm a hero!

Secondly:

See those ohh-so-shiny Facebook/Twitter/SiteThingy buttons? The colourful ones that sit tantalizingly at the top and bottom of every post? The ones that I spent HOURS and HOURS fiddling with to make sure they worked perfectly? Yeah.

A lot of keyboard sweat and eyestrain tears went into those and it would suck bagels if they all just sat there.

This is my brain on FAILURE.

2011-06-14T16:51:00.154-06:00

The following events happened on Friday May 13th, but I have no need of bad luck. Nope... everything here can be properly accredited to my own stupidity.

One sunny Friday last month I decided to install new fenders on my bike. All I had to do was unscrew the broken parts and put on new ones. What could go wrong? I found a wrench and screwdriver and set to work.

Four bolts, two screws, three washers and four nuts later, the last screw remained completely blocked by the back wheel.

A glass of lemonade, two nuts, three washers and a kickstand later, the back wheel was still trapped inside the brakes.

After wrestling the back wheel out from the chain I took the front wheel off too. This made sense at the time, I'm sure....

As I stopped to look around me I realized that my plan to keep track of parts as I took them off had FALLEN TO PIECES (hurr hurr). Pieces of bicycle were strewn all about the lawn. Washers and nuts were scattered throughout a forest of grass blades. The chain had snotted grit-filled grease all over my hands and to top it all off, somehow the last of my lemonade had tipped over.

I no longer knew which parts went where and I began to panic. My brain went into overdrive to try and sort through the kaleidoscope of pieces. Bike? What bike?

This is practically a genuine scientific drawing. Of my brain. Yep.

Dejected, I plopped myself down on the grass to collect myself and contemplate my failure.

Becky, the wife and mother of two who lives upstairs from my apartment, passed through the backyard and saw me sitting in the grass amidst my frustrating dismantled heap of a bike.

"Ellen, you're so handy!" she said.

I died a little inside.

I'm sure Becky thought my small mountain of dismembered-bicycle chaos was somehow impeccably organized inside my brain. I knew otherwise, and the cosmic void separating her perception and my reality was depressing.

I wish.

After a long break I finally got down to business to ~~defeat the huns~~ put my bike back together. I still had a whole pile of leftover hardware, but somehow I managed to reattach all the important parts into something resembling a bicycle.

Boy, was I proud of myself! I felt capable, even self-congratulatory.

This was a mistake. [Obligatory hat-tip to Hyperbole and a Half]

Now feeling like the self-appointed master of all things cycling, I decided that just putting the bike together wasn't enough. No, I had to fine-tune this beast into a [Tow Mater voice:] precision instrument of speed and aromatics!

The first thing to do was to loosen up my seized brakes. What could I use to lubricate them? I ransacked the garage and found a can of WD-40. Yay! That stuff is supposed to work on everything from evil zippers to spastic lawnmowers, right?

After squeezing some WD-40 around the joints I tested out the brake arms. I didn't notice much improvement... that was weird. So I added more, but the brakes acted like they were trapped in a slow-motion freeze-ray. When I finally couldn't move them at all, pebbles of doubt began to ripple through my mind.

I was the sorcerer of all things cyclic and surely my bike was the problem... but I decided to look it up anyway.

***

The following is a list of things that did not happen:

I didn't die
I didn't damage my bike... permanently
I didn't try to ride my WD-40-soiled bike and get pitched off of a cliff
I didn't take the can of WD-40 and actually... no. Just no.

So really, it could have been worse. And I DID fix my bike... eventually.

Shoosh yeah!!!

All Songs Light and Musical

2011-06-14T12:32:00.007-06:00

The change in background today is in honor of Owl City's new and long-awaited album, All Things Bright And Beautiful.

I have been waiting for this for MONTHS. And the release date got bumped back like a kajillimillion times and I was like ARGHWHYWHYWHY but then I was patient and now it's finally here!

Yeah.

I'm not normally like this about music releases, honest. But then I'm not usually inclined to celebrity crushes either. UM.

Exceptions, exceptions...

Sorry for the crazy, guys — I'll make it up to you and post a real entry soon about bicycles and failure. It has like SIX pictures! (Maybe ten, it depends how you count.) Yay!

Taking Photos of Butts is Probably Illegal or Something

2011-06-09T19:21:00.005-06:00

Especially a stranger's butt. I'm fairly sure that even considering it certifies me as a Grade A Creeper. (Do I get a badge for that?)

Tuesday evening I was minding my own business and heading home on city transit. We stopped at a station like any other, the doors opened, the doors closed, nothing was out of the ordinary.

Nothing, that is, until I became the unwilling bench-mate of this wardrobe-malfunctioning peacock.

Due to technical difficulty this image is an artist's rendition only.

I hold all pant owners who decline to cover their underwear in the highest disregard, but this degree of failure is a rare breed. Firstly, all his other clothing was neutrally-coloured. If the one splash of colour had been anything but underwear, I would have admired his sense of style. What ran through my mind instead was this:

Mister, did you PLAN on looking like a baboon when you dressed yourself this morning?

It was bad. I've tried to match the colour as accurately as possible, but something my drawing can't convey is how tight they were. I learned, in a glance, more than I ever wished to know about the thickness of the cloth. The very prominent seams were dangerously strained.

It's the new corset for buttocks! Can your butt even BREATHE?

Naturally, I chose to do what any writer would do after such an experience.

I am so going to blog about this.

Then it occurred to me that rants about the "style" of wearing one's trousers hung halfway to Hades were already way overdone. Hence:

I should take a PICTURE of his butt and blog about it!!!

Oh no.

I'm not sure how human decency allowed that thought into my conscious mind, but the idea stuck. I was determined to somehow get a picture of this butt without the guy noticing.

iPod? No good; it only does video and this picture needs to be high-quality.
Cell phone? Nope... It plays a recorded duck sound when taking pictures and I can't turn that off.
Camera! I still have it in my backpack from earlier today. YES.

I began forming a strategy. While I could probably get away with just holding a camera, taking one out only to point it at someone's butt would surely arouse suspicion. This was my plan:

Inconspicuously obtain camera.
Turn off flash and sound under the guise of looking through previous pictures.
Take pictures of moderately disinteresting things through the train window.
Lower camera and pretend to check settings while aiming at the offending butt.
Hit that shutter button like a ninja!
Check results; repeat if necessary.

With my scheming complete I rummaged through the contents of my backpack, shifting papers as quietly as possible. With each rustle and clatter of pencils I was sure I could feel Mr. Baboon's laser-eyes watching me, prepared to decapitate me with a glance. At last I located my camera. Carefully and casually I slid it up onto my lap.

Mr. Baboon looked directly at me.

I aimed the camera down, avoided all eye contact and deliberately gazed out the window. I held back a powerful urge to whistle.

Mr. Baboon turned away.

I slowly turned back to the camera to adjust its settings. Holding my breath, I discreetly slid the power switch to the "ON" position. Nothing.

THE BATTERY IS DEAD?!? D=

Even worse! The train began to slow down for the next stop and Mr. Baboon shifted his weight as if preparing to stand up.

He's going to LEAVE? Noooooo!

Shoving my good pal Secrecy off of the proverbial cliff, I dove for my notebook and threw it open to the first mostly-empty page. My pencil tore over the paper in a mad frenzy as I dashed to finish the obscene doodle as a reference for my future, erm...

"Work of art."

Hey look, it's a moustache!

If you need me I'll be at home, waiting for the Blog Police to show up and permanently revoke my maturity license.

Secrets of Invisibility

2011-06-08T23:39:00.008-06:00

Why hello there everyone!

If you were looking for me, I'm not here... and I'm only here now to tell you to look for me elsewhere. Today I wrote a guest post for Dan Hough, a downright marv'lous Brit who 'as a blog of 'is own, wot!

Er, please excuse the failure of my British blogccent. Back on topic.

For REAL ninjas, invisibility comes naturally.

For everyone else, there's this guide. READ IT OR BE NINJA-ED.

Do you have unusual obsessions? Stick out in a crowd? Wear T-shirts with obscure references? Are you... a geek? You're in luck! I have compiled a comprehensive guide on social camouflage for geeks of all kinds. Read all about the secrets of invisibility on Dan's blog: How to Blend In: A Guide for Geeks!*

I'll be back with a normal post tomorrow... or at least, something as normal as they ever are. =D

*May contain sarcasm, generally useless advice and an appearance by Mr. Bean.

Marshmallow Insanity

2011-06-05T10:30:00.016-06:00

Rice Krispies are the sad pandas of the cereal world. This horribly bland breakfast needs 2% milk and triple portions of sugar just to be palatable.

In Australia and New Zealand they're called Rice Bubbles, which is a much better name. "Rice Bubbles" sounds sad and wimpy, making it far more appropriate. Bubbles are awesome. Rice bubbles are not.

The addition of melted marshmallow decreases mediocrity by about 22 per cent, but I've never been overly fond of them even then. You just can't make a great marshmallow treat without using great ingredients!

I was babysitting for my parents this week, and one afternoon I decided I would make a fancy snack for my younger siblings. My family doesn't make Rice Krispies Squares very often. Instead, we make marshmallow things with Corn Flakes called "Crispy Crunchies." But I wasn't in the mood for Corn Flakes.

Then it came to me: the inspiration to create Marshmallow Insanity:

S'mores are awesome.
Marshmallow goop is awesome.
Shreddies are awesome! (Graham crackers are possibly more awesome, but this was not foremost in my mind.)
[UPDATE: So my American friends might not know what Shreddies are; I hear they're like Chex, only better. =P]

There was no freaking way this combination could be not-awesome. So without further ado, I give you:

THE RECIPE.
Marshmallow Insanity in 5.5 epic (if not easy) steps.

Step 1: Acquire Marshmallows.
If you don't have any you'll need to go out and hunt them in the wild. The Western Canadian Marshmallow shares its habitat with gummy bears and skittles. If you live outside of Western Canada, you may need to consult a wildlife guidebook to identify native marshmallow species in your area.

Step 2: Liquefy.
Trap your marshmallows in a large bucket and microwave them until the bucket melts or the microwave explodes, whichever happens first. Make sure to scoop all marshmallow innards off of the microwave and counter-tops/ceiling/floor before proceeding.

Step 2.5: Contaminate
So apparently making marshmallow-type treats is easier if you stir a bunch of melted butter into the marshmallow goo. Who knew? So, uh, you might want to do that. (I didn't.)

Step 3: Hybridize
Stir a bunch of Shreddies cereal and chocolate chips into the molten marshmallow. This is the most dangerous step, so be sure to arm yourself with multiple stirring weapons — erm, utensils. You may want to grease your hands for extra protection against marshmallow goop attacks.

Step 4: Dissect
Grease a muffin pan with butter or oil. Don a surgical mask and gloves to separate the experiment into snowball-sized chunks, squish these into separate compartments in the pan and eat any goobs that refuse to be squished. That last part is totally mandatory. (Remove the surgical mask first.)

Step 5: Escape!
If you're anything like me you will end up looking like the unfortunate victim of a marshmallow suicide pact; free yourself quickly — or they will suck out your brains and you will become... *cue freaky music*

A ZOMBMALLOW.

Rawr.

And here's a picture of the Marshmallow Insanity Snacks! They're like S'mores wrapped up in a portable lump of rainbow and awesome.

Kites Part 1.5: Accidental Awesomeness

2011-06-02T15:21:00.008-06:00

I can't believe I COMPLETELY forgot about sharing this until today.

A couple weeks ago I was illustrating my post about a traumatic childhood experience with a kite and I created an accidental Frankenstein of hilarity. It is the funniest thing I have ever unintentionally created and WAY too good not to share. =)

But it didn't fit with the story I was writing at the time. =(

"Nooooooo Ellen!!!! Come Back!"

When I colour my fish-people drawings, I edit all of the pictures for a post in one mammoth image file. (This helps me stay organized and makes it easier to keep colours consistent.) There are several layers for each picture and I just turn them on and off as needed and export them separately when I'm done.

I was working on this set of drawings when I happened to see these two pictures superimposed on each other. The alignment was incredible! I honestly couldn't have drawn this better if I tried.

Plus I'm terrified of heights, so the expression on my face as I appear to be dragged away by the kite is just perfect.

I had to take a break from working because I was laughing so hard. Hopefully I'm not the only one who finds this so incredibly funny... It also reminds me of my all-time favourite Calvin and Hobbes comic, which is (unsurprisingly) also about kites. [UPDATE: The link is working now! Sorriez!]

Can you tell by now that I like kites? I love kites. I have at least two more childhood "Misadventures with Kites" to write about, and I'll post those as parts 2 and 3... eventually. =D

There will be plenty of random stuff in the meantime!

The Following People Are Awesome

2011-05-31T16:17:00.012-06:00

The title of this post also applies to my shoes and the word defenestration even though they are not people. [Thinks: I should totally give my shoes names...]

ARTIST'S NOTE: The following drawings are each dedicated to the person pictured. And yes, I have combined my own drawing style of fish-people with the style each artist uses to draw themselves.

Allie Brosh
Hyperbole and a Half author

Allie? I made you a trophy! It's for being the funniest person on the interwebz. Can you put it on your fireplace, right next to your "Ability to be Responsible" trophy? Thanks!
P.S. Your blog makes me want to laugh out my spleen. I love you.

Allie Brosh is THE funniest person on the internet. She also proved that blogging stories with weird pictures is awesomesauce. The idea for this blog wouldn't exist without her.

If you have never read Hyperbole and a Half, why are you here wasting time on my blog when hers is 10000000000 times better?

No! Wait! Not like that! I didn't mean for you to... NOOOoooooo!!!! Come baaaaaaaaaacckkkk!!!!

D=

Kat Rosenfield
AKA Auntie Sparknotes

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,
You are amazing at drawing arm-less, hairless, googly-eyed hilarious people. I salute you.
Thanks for answering my letter last year. It still helped me even though the situation catapulted irreversibly downhill.

Auntie Sparknotes is the awesome advice columnist on Sparklife. She is sympathetic, helpful and hilariously funny. She also draws a googly-eyed cartoon for each of her columns, giving about 5% of the inspiration for these blog posts.

Dan Bergstein
He wrote Blogging Twilight

Dan? Dan? Dan? Dan? Dan? I built you this jetpack myself. Do you like it? Please like it! You're not a werewolf in this picture, but I think the beard you used to have puts you halfway there.
I'm sorry. The next picture I draw of you will be more epic, I promise.

Circle one or more choices for each option:
If you [have/have not] read twilight and think it is [amazing/an offense to literature/perfect/great firewood/full of glitter], you should [most definitely/absolutely/certainly] read Dan Bergstein's Blogging Twilight and you will [not have to read the books/laugh uproariously at Dan's genius/die happy]. Then you should read Blogging Harry Potter! (Dan's on book 2 right now.)

And Dan draws epic pictures... Edward's medusa-hair is amazing.

Megan Prietzel
She is a totes awesome Jedi-Ninja

Most Honoured Jedi Master,
I've been reading your blog, stalking your formspring and splurking on your Sparklife posts for months.
I'M SORRY FOR BEING CREEPY!
Please accept my apologiez, this green lightsaber and my eternal admiration?

If Allie Brosh made me think blogging was awesome, Megan Prietzel made me think it was actually possible. She's funny, she's awesome, she draws pictures, she blogs and she writes for Sparklife (I wish I did). But when I realized she was my age and in school, I was like WOW I CAN TOTALLY DO THIS TOO!!! I will be the next Megan Brosh/Allie Prietzel! (Uh-huh. Riiiight.)

Daria
Is a wonderfully marvelous friend ^^

Dearest Dary,
Since I can talk to you In Real Life, why would I write a mini-letter to you here?
...because you were just as important in getting me to actually start this blog as anyone else I've mentioned. =)
♥ That's why.

You see, for a while I had been saying to Daria, "I should start a blog." But then one fateful day she says all casual-like, "You know what? Blog writing can be really fun. ^^" And I was all "Wait WHAT you write a blog?" Turns out she had been writing for a while, and I didn't even know! Now energized, my brain was all "MUST HAVE BLOG NAO" and I created it the next day.

We and some friends used to have blogs in Junior High, but they were blubbering hormonal things. The kind you would only bother reading if it was written by a close friend, the guy you were crushing on, or that other pretty girl who also liked the guy you were crushing on and sat by him in Science and Math. ;)

BWAHAHAHAHAHA.

My Shoes
These ones specifically

Dear shoes,
You are the prettiest and most photogenic shoes I have ever owned! Please last forever.
Dear feet,
If you grow any more YOU WILL BE SORRY.

So one day Dary and I were eating a picnic outside. We also had a camera! (Highly entertaining indeed.) I thought it was a brilliant idea to put the camera on the grass and use the auto-timer to take pictures of my feet and, well, this was the result!

I love this picture, so it will most likely stick around on my blog (in some form) for a very very long time.

Defenestration
Most Awesome Word in the Universe

That's all I really have to say for this one.

If you happen to live in some alternate universe where defenestration is not the most awesome word, you should probably read this and get up to speed.

When I first created my blog it was called "Feet in the Air" because of the picture of my feet and because I couldn't think of anything better. But www.feetintheair.com was taken so I later thought of the Most Amazing Blog Name Ever! It uses my favourite word and it is perfect.

Don't you think so? =P

A Potential for Disaster

2011-05-26T20:29:00.012-06:00

I want to do things correctly like a responsible, mature person. But sometimes I'm too independent for this.

When other people are working with me I err on the side of doing things right. I am the stickler who insists on double-checking everything. Who reads Monopoly rules front to back and upside-down before rolling the dice. I believe that "when in doubt, Google it" is a great motto to live by if you don't want to look stupid.

But taken too far, it can have some negative results:

Using this method, you can become an irritating know-it-all. Simply don't believe anything anyone tells you! Instead, take a lesson from academia and demand multiple sources to verify all instructions or so-called "facts!" Rejoice in your knowledge as it grows each time you snub your peers!

As an added bonus, when your hard work pays off and you find out someone else screwed up, you get to do this.

These tendencies vaporize if I work alone. This is not because I don't have other people to correct. Instead, it happens because no one else is around to potentially correct me. I am liberated! Uncontrolled! Uninhibited! I can mess up everything and no one would be the wiser!

Reveling in this potential for disaster, I like to show off to myself. I resolve to figure things out on my own WITHOUT help. "It can't be that hard," I say. For me it's a challenge — a mind game to rival a 6×6 Rubik's cube — to see how far I can get before reading instructions.

Sometimes things work out well. I just jump in and try to figure things out as I go. Occasionally the aftermath of screwing up even gives me a burst of genius. Best of all, when I do figure something out on my own I get an inflating feeling of self-satisfied grandeur! It's a wonderful accomplishment.

On the other hand, when things don't work out...

...I usually don't tell anyone.

Defenestration: A Beginner's Guide

2011-05-20T21:54:00.015-06:00

When I was younger my favourite words were big words. The longer a word was the more I liked it! At eight, my favourite word was antidisestablishmentarianism.

I could even define it.

Later I ditched antidisestablishmentarianism in favour of the slightly longer floccinaucinihilipilification. I feel slightly pathetic now. I just looked it up and realized I've been pronouncing it wrong my whole life.

But my all-time favourite word for years has been defenestration. I've had several people ask me what it means as the name of my blog so... Here! I'll provide you all with this wonderfully witty and rather unhelpful definition:

Defenestration

[dee-fen-uh-strey-shuhn] –noun

1. the act of defenestrating a person or object.
2. the Most Awesome Word In The Universe.

If you need more help, the drawing gives a much better explanation. (A picture is worth a thousand words, right? If encyclopedias were full of just pictures they would be SO much shorter.)

Or, yunno... you can be lame and just Google it.

Hierarchy of Awesome Words:
1. Defenestration

2. Phlogiston

3. Litotes

4. Obfuscation

5. Lugubrious

6. Quasihemidemisemiquaver (also semihemidemisemiquaver)

7. Gramineae

8. Mulct

9. Franglais (is actually a word!)

10. Sesquipedalian

I still have a soft spot for hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia even though it's not a real word. Aibohphobia is cool too.

Do you have a contender for Most Awesome Word In The Universe? Bring it!

Misadventures With Kites: Part 1

2011-05-17T19:27:00.010-06:00

My first experience with a kite shattered my trust in grown-ups.

Parents could solve any problem, clean any mess, and fix any mistake. It was a magical ability you grew into, just like height or wearing adult shoe sizes.

When I was three years old, our family went on a summer outing one day. My parents, baby brother, grandma, and two aunts were there with me, and we had a kite! I was SO excited.

I watched very impatiently as one of the adults helpfully got the kite in the air and began letting out string.

The adults wouldn't trust me with the kite at first. I had just graduated from toddler-hood, but they doubted my incredible kite-flying abilities. If they thought I would be content to watch the kite, they were wrong.

I begged and begged and begged. Finally I succeeded! As the kite handle was passed down to me I received some very firm, important instructions:

"You have to hold on to the kite, okay Ellen? Don't let go."

Gotcha. I was given the kite.

"Remember not to let go!"

I had this. I had the kite! I was a kite-flying wizard. But suddenly the jolting pulls on the kite handle became alarming. The wind was strong that day — what if the kite flew me away?

I expected the kite to fall. When you drop something it falls, right? That was obviously why the adults warned me not to drop the kite: it would fall to the ground and they'd have to get it working all over again.

I dropped it, and the kite did not fall down. It fell sideways.

I yelled for my parents as I watched the handle jerk across the field, hanging from my beloved kite. Relatives ran after it, trying to catch the string before it flew out of reach. As seconds ticked by and still no one had the kite, I became more and more panicked.

Gusting winds blew the kite higher and higher into the air.

My distress lapsed into incoherence. MYKITEMYKITEGETMYKITEBACKDOWNDAADDDDYYYMYKITE!!!!

I must give credit to my family for the heroic gravity-defying leaps they performed as they tried to retrieve the kite (and my composure). At the time, I could only stare up in horror as the kite rose out of sight.

My utter bewilderment at my parents' inability to retrieve the kite was mind-boggling. A sickening, foreign emotion called guilt emerged as I began to realize I had done something irreparable...

My tiny self cracked. Wholly thanks to me, our family outing was terminated immediately.

The ensuing trip home was miserable because I wanted to go back and get my kite and fly it. Thanks to my incoherent and very vocal distress, it was also miserable for everyone else.

It would be years before I ever flew a kite again.

BLOOD

2011-05-16T16:05:00.004-06:00

I'm not the most organized person. I misplace things all the time — not just lose them mind you, but put them somewhere they have no business going. My friend/roommate always seemed to catch me doing this, thank goodness. She was also wonderful to have around when I would put something down and forget where it was within three seconds.

She moved out a month ago and I've since had to fend for myself. For the most part I've managed all right, but today I encountered a veritable catastrophe of my own making in the kitchen:

Dark, reddish-purple liquid had seeped everywhere. Having no idea what it was I opened the fridge door, fearing the worst. What had died in my fridge?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is why I should not be allowed to create midnight snacks while half-asleep. Last night, feeling peckish, I ate a huge bowl full of fruit and yogurt. As a funds-deficient student, I mostly keep frozen fruit on hand rather than fresh. This includes some tubs of raspberries, strawberries and

...a GIANT bag of frozen blueberries.

Or they were frozen, once. Now they sat completely thawed and pathetically compressed together in a bag that was leaking juice all over my vegetables, leftovers and a (mercifully sealed) bag of assorted bagels.

You'd think I'd have realized that refrigerating a questionably-permeable bag of frozen fruit was an unintelligent idea. What's sad is that I have no recollection of doing this. What's even more pathetic is that I do vaguely remember having these thoughts as I put away the other frozen fruit last night:

Conscious brain: That's funny, the freezer looks emptier than usual.
Semi-consious brain: I wonder where the blueberries are. Hmm.
Sleep-deprived brain: Mmmm that yogurt was good and I AM THE ONLY ONE YOU CAN HEAR. PILLOW-RASPBERRY-CLOUD-HJKSAJF-CELLPHONE-MUMBLE.

Blueberries, I am dreadfully sorry for murdering you so thoughtlessly.

I have hope that my attempts at cryogenic resuscitation may yet prove successful. In the meantime, please try your best to avoid dripping blood on the frozen hot dogs.