“This vile, dangerous man logged into LinkedIn and viewed my public profile,” Snackery said. “He clicked on me. He viewed me.”

Attorneys for Snackery filed motions this week in Delaware County Court of Common Pleas alleging that Schuck violated an existing protection order by viewing her profile using a pseudonymous account under the name “Jim Smith,” listed as an employee of the U.S. Courts. According to Schuck’s defense attorney, Schuck did not send Snackery a message, connection request, comment, post, email, text, or any direct communication.

“He didn’t have to contact me to reach me. I could feel him scrolling psychically,” Snackery said. “I could feel his eyes reading my work history, clicking to enlarge my profile picture, methodically reviewing my connections. His clicks were hard, lingering. His scrolling relentless. Up and down, up and down. My digital body besmirched. I will bear the agony as long as I live.”

Snackery acknowledged she could not identify the account as Schuck’s at the time. She said she knew nonetheless.

“Other men view my profile and I can feel the excitement in their clicks,” she said. “A recruiter’s click. A colleague’s click. Men who have seen me in the courthouse and can’t stop thinking about me. These clicks bring me joy. Jim Smith’s clicks were different. Concerning. They didn’t feel like the clicks of someone who admired me.”

Snackery said the violation has forced significant changes to her daily life. She now wears tinfoil gloves when using her phone.

“Ms. Snackery can feel Judge Schuck’s aura across the internet, through the cables and over wireless networks, trying to enrapture her,” her attorney said. “Using tinfoil gloves is the only way she can use her smartphone without feeling him inside of her.”

Schuck, 50, has been on voluntary leave since November after Snackery, 25, filed a civil stalking protection order against him following allegations of sexual assault and months of unwanted contact. The Delaware County Sheriff’s Office has listed rape and gross sexual imposition as possible offenses. No criminal charges have been filed. Schuck has denied all allegations of criminal wrongdoing. Both parties have acknowledged a consensual relationship occurred prior to the allegations.

At press time, Snackery’s attorneys had filed a separate complaint against LinkedIn for notifying her that her profile had been viewed.

The post Prosecutor Claims Judge Schuck Violated Her Via LinkedIn appeared first on Delaware Ohio News.

Organizers say the finalists were selected because they represent a strong blend of historical authenticity, visual impact, and sensitivity to each building’s character.

The post Downtown Delaware Ghost Sign Finalists appeared first on Delaware Ohio News.

“There is a war happening right now and half the world was paying attention to this little banana nibbling waste of oxygen,” said IDF international spokesperson Lt. Col. Navidad Shoshani. “It’s become quite clear that we’re gonna have to kill a lot of…well, everybody, frankly.”

Shoshani confirmed that Punch and the stuffed orangutan known as “oran-mama” had both been buried at sea, and that despite evacuation warnings being issued to the zoo in advance of the strike, 52 additional monkeys and 234 civilians were also killed in the blast.

At press time, the IDF announced follow-up strikes on IKEA, the Swedish manufacturer of oran-mama, and confirmed it had begun the process of exhuming and desecrating the body of Steve Irwin as a reminder of what happens to people who live in harmony with the natural world and all its inhabitants.

The post Punch the Monkey Killed in Israeli Airstrike appeared first on Delaware Ohio News.

The post Prosecutor’s Office Requires Judges to Schedule Blowjobs appeared first on Delaware Ohio News.

I want to address some of the allegations that have surfaced about me in the news over these past few months, because I think there’s been a lot of unfair characterization of who I am and why I did what I did.

For a man like me, the entire point of becoming a judge is to get pussy.

That’s the entire reason I became a lawyer, and why I got involved in politics. You could argue it was for power, but I never got that powerful. I didn’t have what it took to run for higher office or be the star of the party. What I did have was an impeccable averageness. I was the kind of guy nobody felt threatened by, which in politics means people help you. I became a judge because the opportunity was there and I took it. It was as good as I was ever going to do.

My family was proud of me. My wife still thought I was a schmuck, but she called me a faggot less often. Things were good.

But that didn’t last. Eventually every day started to feel the same. I realized the rest of my life was set. This was it. I started to gain weight, started falling asleep in my man cave watching Woody Allen interviews. Having sex with my Little Tanisha doll was torture. Having sex with my wife was even worse. The only thing I looked forward to was jerking off. And going out to lunch at 1808, but even that lost its luster. All my lunch companions were dudes.

Then a 25-year-old beauty queen got sworn in at the prosecutor’s office, and suddenly everything made sense. I remembered why I hadn’t killed myself.

My purpose in life wasn’t just to become a judge. It was to become a judge and use that to get pussy. When I saw the young assistant prosecutor, Miss Delaware County, I knew exactly what she was. A 25-year-old bumpkin with a law degree and a tiara who wanted to feel important. And I knew exactly what I was. A 50-year-old man who was going to fuck her.

So what came next should be no surprise. We had consensual sexual intercourse. It happened because it was destined to happen.

I’m not going to go into detail about what we did because frankly it’s nobody’s business. I started off by fingering her in my chambers. Then she performed oral sex on me and we had sexual intercourse. I also Eiffel Towered her with a maintenance man at the courthouse. A negro. And I used my gavel to pound a sex toy into her anus. But beyond that I think the specifics should remain private.

Did I cry when she started pulling away and reasserted ownership of that sweet little pussy? Of course I did. Did I show up at her apartment when she didn’t respond to my texts? Yes. Did I jerk off into my robe and then sentence a man to 15 years in prison? It’s called compartmentalizing. Did I google whether a 50-year-old judge can legally adopt a 25-year-old woman? It was a legal question. None of these are crimes.

So yes, I had an inappropriate extramarital relationship with a young attorney who tried cases in my courtroom. It was wrong. It was unethical and I take full responsibility for the damage it has caused to my family, to the court, and to the public’s trust in our judiciary.

But it was not a crime. I did not rape anyone. I did not sexually assault anyone. The allegations are false, and I am confident that the investigation will confirm what I already know, which is that I am not a rapist. I’m just a guy who threw a few years of his life away over pussy. Next time, it will be different.

The post Jim Schuck: ‘I Became a Judge to Get Pussy’ appeared first on Delaware Ohio News.

“I want to sincerely apologize to everyone for the fact that this word is in the vocabulary of every English-speaking person on Earth, including me, a man whose brain involuntarily selects the most forbidden available word in any room and then shouts it without my permission,” said Davidson, adding that he takes full responsibility for not having been born with a more culturally sensitive neurological disorder.

Davidson, whose Tourette’s inspired the BAFTA-nominated film I Swear, blurted out the N-word at this year’s ceremony while two Black actors presented an award.

“I understand that my condition, which works by finding whatever word would cause the most damage in a given situation and then forcing me to say it, should have somehow skipped over the single most powerful word in the American lexicon. That’s on me. I should have prepared my involuntary brain misfirings more thoughtfully.”

At press time, experts confirmed that the best way to eradicate the N-word from our lexicon is to make it more forbidden.

The post Man With Tourette’s Apologizes That N-Word Exists appeared first on Delaware Ohio News.

Foamy-mouthed Delaware County Common Pleas Judge Marianne Hemmeter sentenced Saum to 11 years in prison Tuesday, emphasizing that she takes particular pleasure in destroying young people’s lives over victimless crimes.

Prosecutors outlined why they pursued such harsh penalties.

“Willy Wonka is a fun character on the movie screen, but when he’s living next door, selling your children candy that makes them want to live more fulfilling lives instead of serving the ruling class, that’s a major problem for all of us,” said Major Crimes Assistant Prosecuting Attorney Daniel Cogley.

The investigation began when officials noticed troubling changes in community behavior. “We knew something was up when people started dancing at First Friday events,” said Task Force Commander Lt. Sarah Mitchell. “Generally, they’re walking around the ring of home siding vendors like trained labradoodles, making polite small talk about the weather while avoiding eye contact. Then suddenly they were organizing their own events without permits, sharing food and resources instead of just buying things, and building relationships that didn’t require corporate sponsorship. Something terrible had happened.”

During a December 2024 raid of Saum’s residence, officials seized more than 10 pounds of cannabis concentrate and numerous boxes of chocolate bars infused with psilocybin.

“We have a responsibility to prioritize the threats that have the most adverse impact on our community,” said Prosecutor Cogley. “Yes, fentanyl kills people every day, but that pales in comparison to the negative impact of psychedelics. With fentanyl, users get addicted, check out of life, and often die. It’s horrible for families, but it ends. When they die, the courts get fed probate proceedings; think tanks get fed data points; the media gets fed headlines; elected officials get fed talking points. We all eat off of that.”

“With psychedelics, the person keeps living, having profound spiritual experiences and discovering their authentic selves,” Cogley continued. “Before you know it, they’re questioning our two-party system or saying ‘no’ when we tell them to bend over and let us insert a microchip in their asshole.”

At press time, Delaware County Drug Task Force officials encouraged residents to report any family members or neighbors who seem unusually happy, introspective, or demonstrate increased empathy and creativity, as they may be on the wrong drugs.

The post Delaware County Judge Sentences Willy Wonka to 11 Years appeared first on Delaware Ohio News.

Riverwest Gapers, a Columbus-based developer and pornographic film production company, plans to build 50 units in the park, including a mix of single-family homes, wigwams, and luxury long houses. The proposal now heads to city council for a final review before construction can begin.

Delaware residents have harshly criticized the project, with dozens voicing their displeasure to planning commissioners at Monday’s meeting.

“Please, please do not do this. This is a historic and popular natural space that is very important to our community,” pleaded Union Street resident Jennifer McFarland, whose family frequents the park. “We have enough development in progress. Destroying a beloved park seems unfathomable.”

Officials brushed aside such concerns, arguing the need for housing far outweighs the need for parks.

“Miss McFarland, ma’am, your pleas have been heard. And now, officially, they have been ignored. We need housing and money more than grass and other organisms that don’t pay taxes,” said Planning Commissioner Bob Landfill, referring to nature. “Besides, we’re only destroying the green space in the back, not the whole park. Amenities like the pool, rec center, skate park, gay sex spots, and shelters will remain as-is.”

Developers assured residents that Manifest Destiny Fields will be unlike any other housing development and will honor the Native Americans who once inhabited the area. 

“We’ve received a lot of feedback from people who say they wish they could live like Indians– without any of the spirituality, love, or connection to nature– while maintaining the modern amenities we all enjoy today,” said Riverwest managing partner Lando Queefboy III. 

“Imagine it: residences with 3,000 square feet of clay floors, deerskin countertops, and holographic spirit animals, each complete with Wi-Fi-enabled dreamcatchers and self-digging latrines overlooking the scenic remains of what used to be a thriving forest.”

Riverwest says the development will boast a reflecting pool that projects an artificial reflection of Americans living in harmony with one another on land they haven’t destroyed. 

The traditional HOA will also be rebranded as a Tribal Council, with the president referred to as “Chief Fuckleroy” and board members chosen based on the courage they’ve displayed in small claims court. 

“Yes, this is about squeezing every last dollar out of Delaware before it is completely ruined,” Queefboy said. “But it’s also about preserving our community’s longstanding history of dunking on featherheads.”

Longtime Delaware resident, indigenous rights activist, and naturalist Rose Tryington says she’s had enough and plans to commit a mass shooting at the next Planning Commission meeting. 

“I am done talking about this,” Tryington said. “I’m just going to kill all of these people.”

The post New Housing Development Approved for Mingo Park appeared first on Delaware Ohio News.

Picture a dead rat as a city. Not the prettiest image, sure, but it’s all part of the explanation. In this city, among various microscopic inhabitants, there are these tiny creatures we’re calling “midgets,” just to paint a picture of their size.

Now, these midgets have their own bodies and, yes, their own anuses.

The peculiar part is that in this scenario, the midget’s anus is a big deal. It’s the unsung hero of the microcosm, the talk of the town, if you will. It’s like that awkward moment when a rather unimpressive item suddenly becomes famous and everybody just goes along with it.

When someone accuses you of focusing on the “dead rat’s midget’s anus,” they’re saying you’re really honing in on a tiny detail. It’s a detail so minor, most people would overlook it. But not you, you’re onto it, like a detective finding a single but critical clue in a complicated case. It’s a compliment in a roundabout, absurdly specific way.

Here are some examples of people using the term “dead rat’s midget’s anus”:

1. At a Movie Review Podcast: “Honestly, Dave, when you said the movie failed because of the incorrect placement of the lead actor’s pinky in scene 57, you were really focusing on the dead rat’s midget’s anus. But I have to admit, it was an interesting catch!”
2. In a Corporate Meeting: “Susan, your analysis of our last quarter’s expenses is so thorough, you’ve even included the cost of the individual staples used in the office. You’ve truly delved into the dead rat’s midget’s anus with this one, and it’s impressive!”
3. During a Book Club Discussion: “I can’t believe you noticed that on page 436, the author described the wallpaper as ‘eggshell white’, while on page 22 it was ‘cream’. Talk about spotting the dead rat’s midget’s anus!”
4. While Tuning a Vintage Car: “Most people won’t bother with the exact shade of the original paint down to the microscopic pigment mix, but you’ve really gotten into the dead rat’s midget’s anus on this restoration, haven’t you, Jack?”
5. At a Cooking Show: “Chef Gordon, you’ve been quite the culinary detective. Pointing out that the onions were chopped into 1.5 cm pieces instead of the requested 1 cm pieces… Well, that’s examining the dead rat’s midget’s anus if I’ve ever seen it. It shows your extreme attention to detail, though, so kudos to you!”

The post What is a Dead Rat’s Midget’s Anus? appeared first on Delaware Ohio News.