Demented mom

New year new adventures

2015-01-25T21:08:00.000-05:00

My first trip to India was planned months in advance. In addition to the work trip I wanted to make sure I saw someplace new. Not that India wasn’t new but honestly there are many other places I want to see first. My belief is that I shouldn’t fly that far around the world and not have something personal to show for it. I envision being 80 years old talking to my grandchildren about where I’ve been and not wanting to make a lame excuse that I was too busy or too scared to spend a day seeing something more significant than the inside of a hotel or office building. I am very lucky that Dan supports me in this because he is the one that bears the brunt of my being gone longer than necessary. I could have gone to Paris but I have been there before (I am not sure you can go there too many times but bear with me I am trying to be adventurous). I decided on Dubai. I had hope along the way that a few work colleagues would be able to join me but in the end I went by myself - something that seems well and good on paper but is scary as hell in the execution. The day before I left Megan broke down crying about how much she will miss me. I like to tell myself I am providing a good example of independence, self sufficiency and adventure and this may be true but these times also make me feel like a complete asshole.

Preparing for a trip like this is a monumental task. First thinking about the household needs while I’m gone; shopping, pre-making food, arranging babysitters and dog walkers, refilling toilet paper holders; the list is endless. Packing enough without over packing is an art and the amount of time putting my spreadsheet of outfits together makes me feel like a deviant. It seems that I have more food and medication than clothing on this trip. I have a whole pack work gave me in case I get sick, plus all my remedies - Advil, Emergencee, sleeping pills, uppers, downers, probiotics, vitamins, snack food, sea salt, you name it I have it. And honestly I wish I brought more.

For this trip I flew Emirates which was nice; they give you a mattress to put on your flat bed seat which makes a big difference; between that the and the sleeping pill I am out for a good 6 hours - a personal best for sleeping on a plane. When I get to Dubai I am amused to find the customs officers dressed in traditional arab headresses. Of course this is their country and I am not sure why I find this amusing except to say that traveling in places like this just assaults your senses in every way. I was advised to take a pink cab to the hotel. This is basically a fleet of cabs driven by women. Some say these aren’t safe because they wear berkas that cover most of their faces; one guy told me not to take them because “you can’t see shit when you wear a berka”. But at the time, being paranoid and ignorant I reasoned that getting in a car accident was better than getting raped (I have made no secret of the fact that I am a drama queen).

My hotel room is gigantic with 2 bathrooms, a kitchen with a washing machine and a giant living room. For the first time I can remember I capped off a 30 hour trip with going to the gym. It was a great way to press the reset button but I got into a little squabble with the guy on the treadmill next to me who was talking - no screaming on the phone in arabic. I finally asked him to stop but quickly remembered I was in a gym alone with a large arabic man and maybe I should just keep my mouth shut.

I usually go to the Pats home playoff games so I was very sad to find out that a trip that was planned months ago overlapped with 2 games. I made elaborate preparations to watch the Baltimore game in Dubai - called the hotel to see if they would have the broadcast and considered buying Sling Box until my friend offered to let me sign into his. I went in search of dinner at 10 pm but in Dubai most restaurants and many hotels cannot serve liquor. In fact locals have to have a license to buy alcohol and the quantity you buy is dependent on your income. It would seem the poorer you are the more alcohol you would need but whatever.

Anyway after 30 hours of flying I wanted a drink and some football. I found a sports bar close to the hotel but I had to walk through a little dark mini desert to get there; not a long walk but pretty frightening. The hotel kept telling me that Dubai is very safe; that they put people in jail and throw away the key for even minor offenses like stealing pocketbooks. So I adventure out and end up sitting next to a Russian guy who ran the Aldo store in the worlds biggest mall. He proceeded to tell me how bad Americans are and how nice Putin is. I just laugh and agree with him and slowly try to get away from him by befriending a woman from Atlanta and her German boyfriend. It doesn’t seem safe to argue with a Russian kid who seems to be missing his faculties in a foreign country. After watching the first half of the Patriots game with a crowd of people watching me watch the Patriots game I decided to go back to the hotel to watch the second half where I signed into sling box, fell dead asleep and missed the huge 3rd and 4th qtr, waking up in a panic to find out what happened.

It is evident that whoever designed this city had been to Disneyland. If I had to describe it I would say its a combination of Vegas, Disney and Miami; amazing architecture, neon lights and the “city on the ocean vibe”. Everywhere you go you see gigantic parks like the Atlantis, an enormous outdoor jungle, an indoor ski area, etc. People watching in Dubai rivals Vegas. There are so many nationalities here that English is the only common one so everyone speaks it with varying degrees of proficiency.

The work week here is Sunday to Thursday because Friday is a holy day. On Sunday I met up with a friend of a friend who is living here with his wife who is an EXPAT. He took me to lunch at the Dubai Mall which is the biggest mall in the world. The malls here are beyond enormous and overwhelming and they have everything you can possibly think of; cinemas, ice rinks, aquariums, fountains, indoor ski areas and every store imaginable. One of the things I found so curious was all the women in burkas shopping for Louis Vuitton bags and Ferragamo shoes. If you’re wearing a giant black sheet every day I am not quite sure why you need Ferragamo shoes. As if confirming the ignorance of the average American I can also say that I don’t give a shit why.

The largest mall is at the base of the worlds tallest building the Burj Khalifa and has a famous outdoor fountain where we sat in the hot sun for an amazing lebanese lunch. (I have to say I feel this building is cheating since the top is a gigantic spiral with nothing in it). At random points in the day they play what sounds like super loud songs or chants over loudspeakers all over the city. It lasts for 10 minutes or so and my friend tells me they are prayers. I was so thankful to be driven around; they drive on the same side of the road as us but the highways are 8 lanes and up and the traffic patterns very strange; you have to drive around in endless circles to get to a place you can see right across the road. Gas is very cheap and everyone is super rich so mostly you see Lamborghinis, Bentleys, Mercedes and all kinds of other premium cars large and small. Everything here is under construction. There are cranes larger than skyscrapers all over and the city seems to be either all concrete and sand with some glass mixed in.

We drove all over the city - driving by the Burj Al Arab on the water, the worlds only 7 star hotel (of course Dubai tourism is always making up distinctions for themselves). I had looked into staying at this famous hotel but quickly ruled it out when I found that one night is 7,000 US dollars. I also looked into going into the hotel just to see it but you have to have dinner reservations which I considered making a few months ago but never did. We drove out to the waters edge to the palace of Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan who is more officially referred to as His Highness Sheikh Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan (LMAO). His palace goes on for miles on the water then there’s a section that also goes on for miles for the palaces of his wives. We stopped at the beach then drove over to the Palms where all of the rich people laundering money in Dubai live. I capped off my visit with a dinner by myself on the beach section called Jumeirah.

Overall I like Dubai and I am glad I saw it but I don’t have much of a desire to return. Everything is so contrived and devoid of personality or history - like some fictional city you read about in the Hunger Games. I could have stayed longer to go to the beach but I can think of much better places to go for that. I happily begin the trek to Bangalore via the Dubai airport. This would be my last glimpse of society as I know it for a few weeks.

In Bangalore I had a driver because you can’t drive yourself and my work will not allow a random cab for safety reasons. So my driver picked me up and I head to the city which is an hour plus away. Everyone knows driving in India is insane but no words could do the experience justice. They drive on the opposite side of the road, lanes are not observed and cars weave in and out all over the place beeping their horns every 2 minutes. There are mopeds, bikes, rickshaws and people walking along the highway going the wrong way. I don’t know if there’s a speed limit but there are people going 10, 40 and 70 miles an hour all on the same road. It all seems like some kind of meticulously choreographed routine; miraculously working despite the extreme chaos. People pile onto mopeds with little kids slumped over the steering wheel, large parcels on board and some driving barefoot. I saw rickshaws with more people in them than you can count.You can practically smell the breath of the drivers next to you. You will be on what seems to be a highway but it has speed bumps at random spots. Pure insanity.

I’m told Bangalore is a safe place to be relative to other India cities but my hotel security is very tight. Every time the car drops me off they search the car, checking the trunk and hood and an old decrepit lab sniffs the whole thing up and down. It mirrors airport security with the mandatory scanning of all your bags each time you enter the hotel. This seems aggravating at first but does serve to make you feel very secure. My hotel is a highlight of the trip. The service is amazing. All the waiters and bartenders are men and there are 4 of them for every customer. The minute you enter the hotel there are women walking around with drinks - juice, champagne, whatever you want. They all memorize my name. At the hotel gym the second you finish a bottle of water they bring you another one and they offer to wipe the sweat off your brow. At one point the gym attendant was spotting a few guys lifting weights and helping to stretch them out. I am there for so long they start to learn my needs and bring me things I want without my asking. Being in the hotel you could be anywhere; there are a lot of Americans, Brits and Germans as well as arabs and Indians from all states. Its the only remotely easy thing in this visit.

Food was a major issue for me. Most people have the same issues but the diet here is opposite of the way I eat. The water can’t be trusted which means I can’t eat salads or anything that has been washed and not cooked. I brush my teeth with bottled water and nervously breathe from my nose while showering so I won’t get water in my mouth. I am not sure if the water is bad or just bad for people who aren’t used to it but I guess it doesn’t matter. There are many options for food but I don’t recognize many of them since I don’t even eat Indian food at home and everything is covered in mystery sauce. I eat the same thing practically every day at home and in order to not starve I break my rule of no bread for lack of anything safe to eat. Of all the differences between home and here I find this the hardest to deal with. I subsist on Quest bars and almonds that I brought with me.

My first week here I was by myself and tried to take advantage and recover from jet lag. I fell asleep early but woke up at 3:30 every morning, taking a few cat naps until I finally got up in frustration to go to the gym. This pattern repeats itself for a solid week. I survive on adrenaline; my body has no idea what the hell is going on. I find myself asking what the fuck time is it every half an hour for 24 hours a day; its 9.5 hours ahead and its the half hour that really throws me off. Its hard to stay in touch with anyone because I only have wifi when most of the world I know is asleep. I end up Face-timing the kids at 6 am when they in bed and I’m rushing to get ready for work. Getting up at 3 or 4 every morning works out well for me to watch the AFC championship. My WIFI signal fails me and I end up going to the lobby for coffee and meeting an Israeli expat who is watching the game via the NFL pass. We sit in the lobby having breakfast and watching the PATS. By the time its over I am late for work, spending 12 hours blissfully unaware of deflate- gate.

The traffic is so bad that it takes an hour to get to and from work each way and I spend 2 hours a day staring listlessly out the window at all the sights while my driver weaves in and out of traffic like a car chase scene from the Bourne Identity.

The purpose of the trip is to meet my new group in my new job - I have already met over 80 new people and this is a continuation. This job is new in every way; new industry (HR) new division, new role and new focus. I am WAY off the ranch of my comfort zone - a place I continually force myself to be but question myself when I get there. I get bored, force myself to make changes then spend months questioning it until gradually it becomes my normal. I was in my last job for 7 years which is a personal record; I was established with a significant amount of freedom including working from home and making my own schedule. I probably should have made a change 3 years earlier but I tried to stem the intellectual boredom by fiercely embracing every ridiculous hobby you can think of: making everything from scratch including brownies, gluten free bread and granola bars, marathon running, blogging, photoshopping, halloween craft making - you name it. In the end I needed a challenge at work. I find it very annoying that I can’t just accept a good job that allows me freedom to be the best mother/wife/self actualized person I can be. I just can’t pay attention to anything when I’m bored; succumbing to chronic procrastination and laziness in all things. Its unfortunate that I force myself to make changes yet I don’t handle them well and I exist in a perpetual state of self doubt for months while my husband and good friends talk me off the ledge, convincing me that I need to give it time. Add to this the newness of going to 3rd world countries and I am orbiting in a new galaxy that I struggle to put into words. My life’s achievement may be to be comfortable not being comfortable.

The people at the office are great hosts; they bend over backwards making sure my stay is comfortable and I have everything I need. They are very sincere and wonderful people. But the combination of everything being new is overwhelming and it seems to require that I get an extra 3 hours of sleep a night while I am barely getting half of what I get at home. I am feeling torn every hour between being homesick and excited. I go from being hyper with excitement to beyond exhaustion within a 5 minute span.

On Friday my boss and other co workers get here which as it turns out is just in time because I am starting to feel completely insane for having decided to come here by myself. On Saturday we set out on a temple tour. I had hoped we would go to Taj Mahal but its thousands of miles away. Our guide was a local co-worker who took us to only local places no sane American traveler would go to; they were not typical touristy destinations. Along the way he explained the history of India and some of the religious customs; patiently putting up with our incessant questions the whole way. I practically forced my boss who is a man to sit in the front seat. I am not even the type to ride a Disneyland swirly tea cup ride never mind to sit in the front of an Indian driving odyssey without blindfolds.

We stopped for lunch along the way and saw many emaciated dogs hanging around. This is an epidemic in India and its one of the worst things for me to see. The dogs run all over the place in and out of traffic like they own the city. There is an initiative going on to neuter the dogs but they are still everywhere. I ended up feeding a little hungry boy my lunch then I torture myself the whole way to the temple wondering if I over fed him and made him sick.

Our first stop was Halebidu Temple which was about a 2 hour drive from Bangalore crossing everything from highways to small side roads littered with hoards of goats, cows and donkeys. Along the way I finally stopped taking pictures of cows because they have now become routine for me; cows in the median strip, cows tied up outside shacks, COWS. The temple is an operational Buddha temple with a village at the base. On our way we were accosted by locals selling souvenirs. Thankfully the local I was with took charge of the negotiation, haggling for a Ganesha statue that we bought for $20. After we erie away the local said the woman told him it had tarn her 5 days to make it. This made me feel really bad. These statues are everywhere and we learned that Ganesha is a hindu god with an elephant head and gives you peace and tranquility when the trunk is down and wisdom when its up. My co worker explained that Ganesha has an elephant head because his father cut his head off, not realizing it was his son. When the mother told him to fix it the father (who was a god) replaced the boys head with the head of an elephant which was the closest living thing. I take no responsibility for the veracity of these statements I am merely document what I remember for posterity and to explain to the kids why I bought them so many elephant statues.

To climb the temple we had to buy socks and walk with no shoes up the the temple via very steep, uneven stairs covered in sand. Huffing and puffing up the stairs someone in front of us lost their lunch and I had to negotiate around it to get up the stairs; challenging every fiber of my sensibilities. When you get to the top there are people praying and meditating and we got blessed and marked with a bindi in return for a donation. At the base of the temple they sell coconuts which they hash open with a machete, give you the juice to drink then cut up the inside of the coconut. We couldn’t eat it because its unsafe given that you don’t know if or what the machete has been washed in and the only way to drink the coconut is with a straw of equally suspect cleanliness.

We trekked to the Chennakesava Temple which is an operational Hindu temple built in 1117 AD. We saw amazing architecture with plenty of locals in traditional sarees and Indian garb. This also required us to take our shoes off and re-outfit ourselves with filthy socks. To me this only enhanced the adventure and was worth the discomfort for the amusement of my straight laced boss and his despair over the whole process. We had a local tour guide who took us into the pitch black back of the temple where there were Hindu statues lined up. He led the way through with a small pocket light while I verged on the brink of a panic attack. Had I not been with a local I would have surely had heart failure.

If I thought I stuck out like a sore thumb in China that was nothing. At one point a man started video taping me - presumably having never seen a pasty white girl. My friends were perturbed by this but I thought it was a riot given that I had been rubbernecking like only an idiotic American can do at everything and everyone I have seen here that is outside my frame of reference. In short, I deserved it. It is a little weird to think that maybe there’s a video of me on the inter-web being shared in a small village in India. At several places we were swarmed by the cutest little school girls who wanted to have their picture taken with us, screaming “photo!”, “photo!”. We took pictures and they insisted on looking at them on the camera screen, screaming in delight.

I spent Sunday alone; I was glad to have the day to myself but it is an utterly foreign feeling for me in the last 20 years to be alone without a single obligation. The driver will take me anywhere I want but its not safe to do a lot of things but shop and I am not a shopper. I read, worked out, and just relaxed. While here I am having deja vu to my 20s when I travelled a lot alone - doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. It feels liberating and just plain wrong all at the same time. At one point I felt panicked and homesick and thought I might like a good cry, then went to the sunny pool to make myself better. Problem solved.

By my second week I had settled in a bit and was sleeping better but the work schedule was grueling, meetings every half an hour until 7 pm then work dinners, meeting and chatting with hundreds of new colleagues. I struggle remembering names and keeping up with the small talk. I am normally very good at this but it seems to go on endlessly and I feel my adrenaline draining and my head aching with sensory and information overload. The closer I get to coming home the harder I find it to concentrate.

We finally leave on a Friday night at 1 am. In addition to my driver I have to be accompanied by a security detail because its the middle of the night and I am a woman. I had to wait almost an hour in the customs line and the security line is the biggest cluster-fuck, with separate lines for men and women and 90 security guards checking and rechecking the same things. I am told the Bangalore airport is much better than it used to be but I am not a fan. After a 4 hour flight we land in Dubai which was intensely crowded with just about every race and religion you can imagine. As we enter the Dubai airport I have an immediate feeling of relief knowing that I can eat anything I want and even the very air seems better. There is no shortage of shopping in and things to do in this airport but its wildly chaotic - there are no protocols for walking observed; people walk all over in ever direction running into you, blocking traffic. It’s exhausting just to get to your gate.

In an odd twist of fate I was waiting in line in Dubai for my flight and the guy in front of me looked oddly familiar. It took me a few minutes then I realized he worked for me 10+ years ago but then I couldn't remember his name. All of a sudden it dawned on me that I fired him or laid him off and then he starts looking back at me - every time I see his head slightly move I look back so he can't see my face because of all things after an all night flight from Bangalore the worst thing that could possibly happen would be small talk with a person you once fired? As luck would have it this is the longest line to get on a plane you have ever witnessed and I go to extreme lengths to avoid eye contact with him. I still don't really remember if I fired him or laid him off but I do remember his lack of common sense and the fact that he was really pissed when I did it. Freud would say that I blocked this out? Trauma based amnesia? I don't remember shit anymore anyway so probably just plain forgot.

Once we left Dubai I had a 14 hour flight to Boston. But business class its surprisingly easy to deal with; sleeping, watching movies and drinking anything you want - all for free. Its such a strange feeling to be on a flight, watch 3 movies and look at the time and realize you still have 9 hours of flying left.

When I land in Boston the relief is palpable - just to be amongst the familiar. Ever single thing I see seems like something to be grateful for. Being able to go to the store without an escort, not having to divide by 60 to determine the price of things, Starbucks, salad, brushing your teeth with tap water, my phone works, roads make sense and they aren’t littered with garbage. Even the traffic on the mass pike seems like a welcome change.

Having gone to India once I think it will be much less taxing to go again. I have to go in March and I am already plotting out how to bring a full cooler of food with me. Until then I am going to enjoy a few weeks at home before the next adventure.

Adventures in China

2014-12-14T20:40:00.002-05:00

Today marks over a week since I got back from China and I can say I am almost recovered. I have gotten through all my email, caught up on sleep and I am still working on the 5 pounds I gained while on my carb fest. I have finally processed the adventure. This trip was by far the longest trip I have ever taken; leaving the house at 7 am on Saturday and walking into my hotel 9 pm on Sunday. 26 hours of travel and 13 hours of lost clock time. Don’t get me wrong I’ve lost 13 hours before but it went by much slower. I am so thankful for business class - no nickel and dime-ing, no lines, free movies on demand, use of Bose head phones, unlimited food/drinks, slippers, lie flat beds - I really don’t know how anyone could do a 14 hour flight in coach. It’s inhumane. We flew from Chicago north over the north pole which I had no idea you could do. I thought we would fly to Chicago then go west. It was dark when we flew over so I didn’t see any polar bears or elves. I heard later that it was only recently that you can fly this way because of Russian air restrictions. Of course had i known i was flying over Russia I would have been a lot more nervous. When you look at the map while flying its very true to life (although not completely 3 dimensional) and you can clearly see how close Alaska is to Japan. I’m sure to many this sounds completely ignorant on my part.

Getting off the plane and through customs was easy enough - I was all set for some frustrated communist customs guy to interrogate me about my mission of espionage and I had visions of body cavity searches - but no such atrocities occurred. The fun began when I took the train to get my luggage and then what seems to be thousands of Chinese cram into 3 train cars with everyone talking a mile a minute. I half expected the whole train to turn into a crazy mob scene like something out of the Deer Hunter (I am nothing if not dramatic). I am a planner by nature but when it came to getting from the Beijing airport to the hotel I thought, how hard could it be? Just find a cab and say MARRIOTT please! Well I didn’t account for the fact that I had no Chinese currency, no clue what the conversion rate or a reasonable fare was. And it was FUCKING FREEZING. People were everywhere yelling and haggling. I had downloaded a translation app for this kind of occasion but because I’m an idiot I forgot that I wouldn’t have wifi. After traveling for 24 hours I was in no mood to negotiate so I ended up overpaying by a lot to get to the hotel. The hotel was much farther from the airport than I thought it would be. As we drove by high rises I noted that there were no lights in some of the buildings - AT ALL. When we went to eat there was no one in the restaurant at 10 p.m. I swear I’ve seen Anthony Bourdain or some travel show that makes it look like the place is crawling with night markets and people but for us Beijing at night was a snooze. Later our tour guide told us that the Chinese go to bed early. They don’t drink and they go to bed early - no wonder they are so smart. There goes half my brain cells right there.

I regretted instantly that I didn’t learn more Chinese; even small things were difficult to negotiate. My 12 year old son who is taking Chinese for the 2nd year did try to teach me more but my 48 year old brain has some significant brain damage apparently since I was able to learn only 3 words despite his valiant efforts. There are some who speak english but its very limited. Ordering food is a real challenge that degraded from slowly annunciated english to gesturing to pointing. When no one understood me I would say the word louder or ENUNCIATE it. Do you have any W-I-N-E???!!! It’s really ridiculous but you can’t stop doing it. Just the process of ordering food takes a lot out of you and the waiter, every interaction an awkward series of talking, gesturing and pointing - clucking like a chicken to clarify that I want chicken and not Duck.

We went to Tiananmen Square where it was epic just to stand there even though to look at it is nothing special in and of itself. The temperature was about 15 or 20 but you cannot believe how windy Beijing is. I can’t remember the last time I was that cold. There were hardly any people there with the weather which I guess is a blessing since I abhor crowds. Our tour guide Shirley told us that the Chinese don’t know what happened there unless they’ve been out of the country.

We went to the Forbidden city where the emperors live but they had closed it for some dignitaries to view. We went to the Temple of heaven where there emperor used to go to pray for a good harvest. There were older people doing tai chai outside in the freezing cold and playing chess. They didn’t seem bothered by the cold. There were people from many countries there, some who weren’t told that China is COLD and they don’t heat any of these tourist places. Our hired tour guide took us on an hour and a half drive to the section of the Great Wall. The drive is very strange. Beijing is a huge city, 150 square kilometers (10 miles). We drove through sections of tall skyscrapers and factories pumping out smog and the roads are crowded with everything from Mercedes to little mopeds loaded with kids and junk. When we went to the wall we drove for miles and we were STILL in Beijing. There were tree farms everywhere with the bottoms of every tree painted white for miles and miles. It had an odd feeling for everything to be so similar for miles and miles.

The long trip to the wall was more than worth it. The mountains are beautiful and its surreal to be there knowing its history and significance. Later we were told that we had one of the best days anyone had heard of, the visibility was great and since it was so cold no one there. The wall is very steep in places and the view is different at each tower. I wish we had more time there but we had to get to Dalian where our office is located.

Many wear masks outside due to the pollution. At first it seems odd but it becomes unnoticeable after a while. My eyes were scorched red from the pollution and the dry air. I look like I’m on a bender. The good news is all the Americans on the trip were just as zombified as I am - all of us skipping from one subject to the next making no sense at all. It takes a week to get rid of that feeling which is just about when I returned - exhausted and fatter than a mall santa. I forgot a few things that I wanted to buy while there but discovered that there’s a 20% tax on anything imported - and practically anything you can find around a hotel is imported. It finally makes sense to me why so many Chinese love to shop when they are traveling.

Our first night in Dalian was spent at the hotel for a late dinner and some asian lounge singing which was beyond entertaining. We laughed hysterically with the asian lounge singers singing old american songs like John Denver and the Police. We laughed all week singing “Every breath “chu" take, every bond “chu" break.

Sleep was elusive - more a series of naps than an actual sleep. I would sleep for an hour then wake up saying “what time is it?”, “where am I?” Only to repeat the same cycle 3 more times at best. At night I was exhausted but my mind raced with strange sights and scenes far from my normal existence. We spend so much time in our normal lives ignoring much of what goes on around us as it becomes routine. Spend a week here and your senses are on steroids; images, sounds and smells assaulting you - making sleep an impossibility.

Everything is a contrast here; things seem so high tech - everyone with giant phones and neon lights everywhere - yet you can’t use google, you tube or facebook. If there’s a person in China with an iPhone smaller than a 6 I didn’t encounter them. There are very into an app called We Chat and there’s a whole underground dedicated to circumventing the social media ban by getting VPNs to connect to the US then out to the sites they want to see that are blocked. International phone service is spotty and you end up spending half your first day just trying to figure out how to stop every device you own from displaying a different time zone and or trying to remain connected with the outside world. There’s a part of me that enjoyed not being connected all the time. Laziness for me is staring at the internet for hours mentally dulling your senses. So I am hoping to extend some of the internet ADD reduction affects into my post communist life.

At the office you have never seen so many happy/nice people. Everyone was so welcoming and concerned about our stay. The meetings that we had were amazing, all of the people I met so impressive. One day of the trip was an innovation conference which was mind bending and inspirational.

The food in china was challenging for me. I eat very plain food and I don’t eat a lot of carbs. One day we had Korean barbecue for lunch. I wanted to be adventurous and let the team order for us but one of my American coworkers saw dog meat on the menu and things degraded from there. One night we went to a dumpling restaurant where an expat took us via a shortcut through a “gentleman's club” to get in. It’s the kind of club where you can do karaoke with our without the hot girls who come in after. The highlight of this restaurant was seeing the room where they make dumplings - everyone dressed like it was an ebola quarantine room. The locals ordered for us most places we went and even then it takes forever with many confusing conversations. You order food before drinks and it takes so long you might get your drink by dessert. Most of the places we went to were brighter than the surface of the sun and they love their christmas music; one place we went to played jingle bells on a loop - over and over. If I had to work there I would stab myself with a dull spoon. There were vegetables but they were usually unrecognizable or fried to obscurity. The low carb diet has not made its way to the far east yet I can confirm that. Fish heads, chicken cartilage and pickled herring are just a few of the local delicacies that I did NOT partake in.

Traffic is insane in Dalian- you can’t go anywhere without it taking an hour. Pedestrians are invisible; walk the streets of China at your peril. I had to close my eyes anytime we were in the car - it’s that scary. Roads are not one way but there’s an unidentifiable (to me) system where to get to a place you can literally see across the street they take you around in circles sometimes driving on the sidewalks to get there.

I didn’t go to many local sites but I am told if you go to the Dalian zoo you can buy chickens to feed's the tigers (ps you can buy a live one or a dead one). I guess what I am trying to say is that the Dalian Zoo will never be seen by me.

I was told not to go to any of the bars around the hotel because they are “gentlemen’s bars” so we went to a bar where all the expats go. I was surprised to find not only does everyone smoke but you can smoke anywhere. They play bad older american music like Celine Dion over and over and satellite radio is banned by the government so the variety is not there.

For some reason there are very few flat walking surfaces; in odd areas you will have a random step up or down or section in the middle of a passageway; its a miracle I survived without falling down and losing my 2 front teeth. Early in the week we would often ask an expat why things were a certain way. The answer? Because…China.

I can’t think of my trip without discussing THE CAN. How could something so basic vary so much? I had heard about the toilets being in the ground. Squatting to go to the bathroom is supposed to facilitate the “process”. Maybe biologically this works but when you’ve been sitting on a throne to do your business for 48 years its just downright awkward. The stalls don’t even go down to the ground which means that if you ware inclined to be nosy and look over at your neighbor you’re gonna see more than you bargained for. Many don’t close the door at all - more than a few times I went into the bathroom to find a bunch of open doors and people doing their thing. At work there is a sign to remind you to close the door (lest the westerners run screaming from the building). The bathrooms have a very distinct smell and not in the way you would think. I am not sure if its a certain chemical or what. In Tokyo you can get a digital toilet with choices like bidet with optional deodorizer and flushing noises. WTF!!

In both Beijing and Dalian airports very limited english was spoken. There are 80 candy shops and toy stores but no restaurants or bars to speak of. Over the years I have tried to become more patient in general but especially as it relates to travel. I have been stuck on runways for hours, planes delayed and every form of planes trains and automobiles just not all on the same day. I have been close to a meltdown many times - I just don’t handle it well. But with age I seem to mellow - finally accepting that I can’t control any of it. On this trip I did suffer a mini meltdown while stuck on the runway for an hour where I was one of 2 americans on a very crowded, hot flight where I couldn’t understand the flight attendants. After years of being painfully average I finally understand what it feels like to stick out like a sore thumb.

On my way back I went through the Tokyo airport; a huge airport but with what seems like a mile between each gate. Here I started to see some Americans who actually spoke english which was a relief after a half day at the Dalian airport. I was very excited that on the way back you get tail winds - the flight is ONLY 11 hours! I couldn’t sleep on the flight and after a while i decided that it would be best not to sleep at all so that my first night home I could automatically readjust to the time difference.

When I got home I was so used to random frustrated speech with accompanying gestures and loud talking and extreme annunciation that I told the driver to PUUUTT MY BAGGG IN THE BACK while loud pointing at myself. He looked at me like I was an idiot. My first week back was just as sleepless as the week there. By Wednesday I thought I was normal but this weekend I slept more than 12 hours each night. I guess I will have to accept that these trips will take a month front to back.

I am excited to have a month between this and my next adventure - India!

Pain is temporary, pride is forever

2014-04-23T20:58:00.001-04:00

Thank you all for your support this year - without a doubt it was the most uniquely amazing experience of my life. It sounds crazy but I enjoyed every minute of it – not worrying at all about timing; high fiving as many people as I could, kissing a few random students at Wellesley College, stopping to sit a few times and walk/running from Heartbreak Hill to Kenmore Square. The crowd support was beyond uplifting and my face was sore from smiling. I’ll never forget passing through where I was stopped last year and stepping onto Hereford and Boylston Streets. All along the course countless times I heard people thanking us for running, tears in their eyes, gratitude on their faces. Having been a spectator here I can tell you that showing that level of emotion for the 4 hours of runners streaming past nonstop is not easy. For a runner you can’t describe the feeling of wanting to give up but having someone in the crowd call you by name and give you THE words of encouragement you need to hear: the direct eye contact is so motivating and the look of admiration is so humbling (although while walking there were more than a few times someone screamed at me to get it going you can do it and I thought, no, I CANNOT. I CAN NOT).

After a long frigid winter it was way hotter than I was ready for and I was nauseous for most of the last half. But this year was worth every step and sacrifice and the horrific winter only made it more meaningful. I struggle to find the words to describe what finishing meant for me because it really has nothing at all to do with the mileage; the 25.1 vs 26.2, or the medal. Last year I admit now and at the time that I felt bitter; I tried very hard NOT to feel that way and to think about all the people who lost their lives or were injured – but it was a struggle right through the winter to shake it. Thinking about that evil kept me focused on the bad in humanity.

Again and again I told myself that it could have been worse for me – but it never stuck 100%. Maybe it was because I never watched any coverage last year. It was very traumatic for those of us near the finish; watching news of any kind was really out of the question for me and I certainly wasn’t going to let the kids watch. By the time I was ready to absorb the experience it was out of the mainstream and I wanted to move on. The anniversary of last year this past week was really the first time I ever watched coverage. Running Monday marked a transition – from anger to gratitude; from pessimism in people to the belief in community spirit. I am grateful that I ran both years and went through the process to get to get to this year. Running this year made this year even better; turning a horrible thing into a positive. It should be simple (turn lemons into lemonade hello are you a fucking moron have you not seen the sign?). Did I really need to run a marathon to learn that? YES, I DID. Don’t get me wrong, I am still going to be a sarcastic bitch who complains about stupidity and bad spelling but I believe now in the power of community spirit and in myself.

Huge goals are accomplished with commitment and spirit and one small step at a time. My fitbit said I took 55,000 steps yesterday. That pretty much sums up how I approached training; to me I didn’t run 26.2 miles – I took 55,000 steps. Each step brought its own triumph and its own struggle. There were times all I could think about was my feet on fire, hunger, thirst, aches, sunburn, etc. During the course I thought I’m only on mile 8 how am I going to run 18 more miles? But you don’t – you just take one more step. Then you do it again. And again. There were times I felt like weeping with pride or joy with my mind blotting out everything else and feeling no pain. I have accomplished other things in life but I considered them mandatory and never gave myself credit. This was something so beyond that – I beat myself. I beat my fear, my nerves and my inner voice that sometimes tells me I CAN’T do something.

When I decided to run again one of the main reasons was to tell my kids that you don’t back down when you are scared. I know terrorism may be considered an exception but I feel strongly that when shit happens you adjust. My kids have a different life than I did but I want to teach them that the world doesn’t cater to them. Shit happens and you have to deal with it. People will be mean, life is unfair. Chin up. I am not saying I am good at this – I just acknowledge it. Being afraid is no way to live. Having said that, last year was traumatic for them so we made the decision that they wouldn’t go to the finish line. One of the best moments of the race was seeing them at mile 8ish. Dan, the kids, Catie and Mer and Auntie Cheryl – seeing them gave me fuel for at least the next 5 miles.

The closest thing I can equate a marathon to is labor. During the process is sucks but once it’s over you are beyond happy and you’re shocked when you even consider doing it again. In an odd way I feel the sense of pride may be greater because when I had my kids I felt I was some instrument of Mother Nature and I was letting myself get taken over by an alien or higher power, enduring the inevitable pain in the process (and it’s not like you have a choice once it’s in motion). With the marathon you are fighting against yourself and your body, every single step taken along the training road until you finish – 6 months. Knowing you can turn back but trying to ignore the exit signs and the chairs at the Medical tents with each passing mile.

I am so thankful for the camaraderie of my team and encouragement from friends and family - together you all helped me raise $5,854 for the Liver Foundation. I learned these past 2 years how rewarding it is to raise money for a great cause and to be part of a team that really cares about what they do. Truth is I never had this experience. I am not going to lie and say that I set out to do this for charity – I saw it as necessary but it changed starting last year as I progressed and met people affected, heard their stories and saw the pride shared by the team. It’s not just the Liver Foundation - the volunteer spirit in Boston was so amazing.

Everyone was so engaged from handing out packets to water stops - I have never encountered so many positive, caring and enthusiastic people. There were more than 10,000 volunteers this year! And every single one I came in contact with acted like they were getting paid a lot of money to make it successful.

I am also thankful to all my friends who put up with my nonstop marathon talk – it simply took over my life and was all I could think about between the physical strain and time commitment. I am sure it’s hard to relate to for many and there are plenty who do something like this and do it in silence. I am not that girl and at almost 50 I am learning to accept this about myself. I wear it on my sleeve; the good and the bad. I can’t help myself.

One of my favorite parts of the experience was the scarves. If you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t heard about it watch this! The guy in the video was the guy who gave me my scarf!!

http://running.competitor.com/2014/04/news/video-marathon-scarf-project_100436

I went to pick mine up on Friday night and the whole vibe was so amazing, a very enthusiastic group of volunteers were giving them out and it’s such a feeling of pride to know that someone took the trouble to hand knit a scarf for you! The guy in the link above was the guy that gave me my scarf!

On a random note, I am not a germa-phobe by any stretch but if you are - beware of running a marathon; it has got to be the most unsanitary experience of my life (well since college anyway). I was in no fewer than 10 porta potties/bus toilets; high fiving little kids, college drunkies and everything in between, hugging sweaty people, eating food from strangers and just sweating like a pig. I left my sneakers there – I never want to see those mother fuckers again! Oddly this again reminds me of being pregnant – the first thing I did when I got home from the hospital was throw away any shoes I had worn while pregnant because they were so grossly deformed.

One of my favorite things about the marathon is the signs. My favorites:

· Run faster the Kenyans are drinking your beer.

· Run faster I just farted.

· Toenails are overrated

Today I find myself feeling accomplished but a little empty – thinking well what the hell do I do now? What’s next? Or -I gotta get me some more of THAT. Even though I may run again I know that nothing can top this experience.

FAQS

Q What was your time?

A 4:30. My official BAA time was 4:45 and I have no idea why but I don’t really give a shit. If I were to qualify for the marathon I would have to shave 40 minutes of this. I don’t know if I care.

P.s.

Thanks to the BAA for not allowing basketball dribblers and people dressed like hookers.

Thanks to the guys who drank beer at every mile marker. Keeping it real

Thanks to these guys- I wish I had a doughnut in Hopkington I was hungry to start

Random stuff I LOVE

I saw this guy in Wellesley in the scream tunnel; I didn’t get a hug because I was too far over to the right having just kissed a random college boy; what an awesome thing. I watched it at least 3 times and it brought a tear to my eye. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvn-rgk1bPo&feature=share

My liver team is really freaking awesome. This is about volunteerism and giving back and its funny.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zse4wGzZhJY

http://www.bostonglobe.com/opinion/2014/04/23/from-baa-thank-you-boston/59zUnlFxb4BhnnLXADiLoN/story.html

Running long distances is a metaphor for life

2014-01-12T16:20:00.001-05:00

My tendency toward over-thinking is well known: there is NOTHING I can’t obsess about. To me it’s not worth doing if I can’t obsess about it – and if I’m not busy obsessing about it good luck getting a nanosecond of my attention. It’s on or it’s off. If I were over-thinking about wordly matters like inflation or why Roger Waters is fighting with Israeli government that would be one thing but I am obsessing about only things that relate to my favorite subject – ME or ALL THINGS RELATED TO ME. Even before I actually run I obsess over it. The weather, when to go, what if it’s raining, what if I’m in a bad mood or don’t feel good? Not only do I need 2 plus hours to run but I need several hours to mentally prepare and several hours to decompress.

When I set off to run I go through so many emotions. I start out thinking wow I can’t believe I have to run 13, 14 or x number of miles; I feel so overwhelmed and nervous I can hardly get myself out the door - obsessing about whether my shoes are tied right, do I have the stuff I need: water every 4 miles, too many clothes/ not enough clothes, too warm, too cold. What if I have to pee? (An inordinate amount of time is spent obsessing about whether I will have to do #2 while running but this could be its own post so I am moving on). The first mile I feel nervous – every ache and pain magnified. I feel overwhelmed with self-doubt –I don’t think I can finish, I’ll just run 2 more miles and be done with it. Every step feels like a mile. Why I am I doing this? Everything hurts. The second mile I calm down; I focus on the fact that I am making a dent – I am 10% there, 8% there. Never do I give math such careful consideration. Sometimes every once in a while I decide to just be; I think about everyday problems that I avoid due to my ADD; miles go by as I concentrate on an issue. It’s a struggle for me to keep negative thoughts away. It’s almost helpful to have a big problem to think about, lest I succumb to boredom and start complaining to myself about a billion things I observe (who are the fuckwads who drink nips and throw them out the window? When is the town going to fix this fucking road? Really, is Jesus the reason for the season, you don’t say! Why do people beep at runners? Why won’t those people take down their Christmas tree it’s fucking January 12th). Sometimes I forget what mile I am on and I just put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes I have to dig deep and think about people who go through much bigger challenges than running another stupid mile. A friend with cancer working through chemo, a mother with a sick child; the pain my stepfather endured with colon cancer – anything to give me strength. Somewhere after 8 or so miles I see the light at the end of the tunnel – I have to keep going because it feels like a waste of an hour plus if I don’t. Once I get within 2 miles I keep going because I am so close.

Lately it’s been helping me to publicly claim what my goal is – on Facebook or wherever. Once I say I will do something to someone other than myself I am much more likely to do it. I don’t know what this says about me that disappointing myself is ok but having to answer a random person who asks if I did it is way too much shame for me.

I really try not to do this but I often find myself wondering if running a marathon is this complicated for other people. Am I the only crazy person who is on such a roller coaster? It makes me feel like a looney bin. I picture other people bouncing along on their runs with nothing whatsoever on their minds. This is not the only time I do this comparison thing and it’s a really bad habit to have; comparing yourself to everyone’s highlight reel. In so many ways these ups and downs with running are a microcosm of my life. I have days or hours where every thought gets derailed by a fear, nothing is easy and negative self-talk make it harder. Other moments I feel like I have the world by the balls and want to freeze time and think of nothing but being alive and appreciating what I have, grateful for every little thing. I go through all this in one run and the beauty is that I celebrate and overcome a million little things all right away in that short time period and in the process I build up a respect for myself I never knew I had. In the end you can do anything you want if you want it bad enough and running has taught me that. But like most things for me, it comes with a lot of overthinking.

There are times I have set goals and failed; mostly because I fall off the wagon and bully myself about it which only makes it less likely to climb back on the horse and try again. But this has taught me that I can overcome setbacks, small and large and that I have a mental toughness I never knew existed. Actually I don’t think it did exist until this. I’ve certainly overcome my share of heartache but usually not without massive self-medication of some kind and a lot of time. That’s not mental toughness that’s survival. I have good minutes and bad minutes running; and I persevere – mostly because I’ve learned that despite all the bullying I may do along the way, I mostly try to tell myself I can do it and I do. And knowing that I have done it before gives me confidence.

I was never a goal oriented person. This sounds funny since I was always hell bent on going to college/grad school/ getting a house, etc. These were necessary things that I never had in life that led to security. This may seem like semantics. The truth is I never considered that I could get by WITHOUT going to college or buying a house; these where the basics for me – struggles in childhood that I couldn’t deal with for myself. And in having these “goals” they were never very specific. I would get to these things as I could and as opportunities came to me. I wasn’t sitting here every day saying have I reached my goals? And I didn’t even necessarily give myself credit for any of them since they were expectations I had and I never considered not having them.

In setting the marathon as a goal I never realized how specific and unforgiving it would be. If you need to run 26 miles in April you have to build up one mile at a time - the training takes 20 weeks for people who have basic running skills. It’s pretty black and white. People say wow you’re so dedicated to run 14 miles this weekend. It’s true I guess but it doesn’t feel that way – once you agree to do it and people start donating money you feel a sense of desperation; every week is a scramble to figure out when you can find 2 plus hours to run amidst kid activities and obligations. I don’t dare skip a week for fear I will skip another week and then convince myself that I can’t do it.

I still have a lot of training left to go but I continue to learn more and more about myself with all this time without anything to distract me. This is a benefit I never expected from training but I am enjoying the process (mostly).

Marathon training

2013-10-20T19:02:00.001-04:00

Awesome 5 mile run yesterday. This is not impressive unless you consider that I haven’t run at all since the marathon. This is my second official training run – adding a mile every week until I hit the 20 something mark. This year I NEEDED A BREAK; my hamstring was killing me and I was just plain sick of running.

I thought long and hard about whether I was going to do the Marathon again after last year; if I’m honest I will say that I’m still on the fence even after I’ve paid my registration fees, agreed to raise more money for the Liver Foundation and started training. I really don’t want to dedicate the kind of time it requires, I hate running in the snow and my family doesn’t want me to do it given the worry of last year. I don’t want to spend every week trying to figure out how I will fit a 3 hours run in amongst kids’ activities and LIFE. In the end I decided to do it because I knew I would crawl out of my skin watching it and not being a part of it and I want to teach my kids that when you set a goal you stick to it – period. Or maybe it’s as simple as I want to cross the finish line and feel that the medal I got last year is real. The fact that I can eat an entire pizza and not feel guilty after I finish is a bonus.

Yesterday as I was running I thought of how amazing it is to have a goal. I didn’t realize that a difference it would make. I used to run 3 or 4 miles and quit because I was tired or because that’s just what I planned. The truth is that when I have a goal to run 5, 6, 7 or whatever I feel the same at mile 4 as I would have if I quit then and there. It’s just that I know I have to run more, so I do. Just put one foot in front of the other – it’s that simple. It’s been a great confidence builder for other areas of my life when I tend to get overwhelmed.

This year I have some changes to the plan I would like to make

Run as little as possible. That’s right: I said it. I like boot camp and I want to do that more than run. I started going to a boot camp in the spring and I have been very impressed by the results (meaning I look less porky than I did when running only). When I started I saw a bunch of suburban mothers and I thought: “I just ran a marathon I can do this!” How embarrassing to discover that I couldn’t do more than one man push up. It’s like I’m the Pillsbury dough boy from the waist up. Last year in retrospect I was out of balance; over conditioning my legs and not enough focus on the core. No wonder I ended up with a hamstring injury that plagued me all year. I read an article about cardio that made a lot of sense to me; especially when you consider I didn’t lose an ounce during marathon training. Don’t get me wrong I DO love to run. I love the freedom of it – that I can just put my shoes on and go; no driving to class and having to see other people or wait for class to start. I love to be outside and I love to listen to my music and be alone in my thoughts. But everything this article makes sense to me and was proven in my training vs. just a few months of bootcamp. http://athlete.io/5343/why-women-should-not-run/
Drink more water. God how I hate drinking water. I would prefer to up my quota of wine which is probably not even possible. I now track how much water I drink and often will take a half gallon and chug as I count to 20. I read somewhere that you should drink half your body weight every day. I wasn’t near that and my boot camp lady says if you work out you should drink even more. When I’m being good I feel like my organs are drowning in water but overall I do feel better. And at least now I’m drinking more water than wine and that can’t be bad.
Stretching. I started going to physical therapy this summer after the hamstring injury decided to stay around. What an amazing difference it has made. They have taught me areas where I’m weak and what stretches and exercises to overcome. But best of all I get my ~~ass~~ upper hamstring rubbed once a week. Fucking heaven. It’s so easy not to do the stretching; when you get into hard core training and running for 3-4 hours on a Saturday it’s all you can do to make dinner never mind stretching for a half hour. My husband is now used to me sitting in front to the TV contorting myself into a pretzel while he watches the tube.
Speed work. Every time I increased my mileage last year I got a little slower. This was partly due to the fact that I was becoming more and more injured but also because I didn’t follow any of the recommended training programs on doing fartleks (speed work). The turtle doesn’t like speed work but I am going to try it this year. Really I am….soon.

I’m just as scared of running the marathon this year as I was last year but I’m gonna try and take it one week at a time. If I didn’t I might change my mind. The hardest part of all of it is being consistent. When I’m good I’m really good. When I’m bad I’m really bad and these things tend to cancel each other out. I try to push myself but I try to give myself a break too. My body feels the pain of my indecision. But for now the goals above are all I’m committing to.

I “almost” did it

2013-04-22T14:25:00.000-04:00

Like many runners, having trained and sacrificed so much I was looking forward to last Monday – to seeing my family at the finish after the culmination of 6 months of work. Here I find myself having “almost completed” the mileage, legs done but my mind still running - stuck on the course like a skipping record; the needle going back over it again and again. In the last week we have all experienced every feeling imaginable; a whirlwind of physical and emotional turmoil. My friend and fellow runner Paul Joseph posted on Facebook the night of the Marathon, about how he spent the entire day being grateful; grateful for the health to run, for the love and support of family, the opportunity to support a great cause and grateful to have missed the explosions.

This is how I WANT to feel – but I don’t. I'm PISSED. As a runner, as a person, as a parent – everything. Angry that I missed the best part, the last mile, the turn onto Hereford! Angry that my friends and family sacrificed to be there, angry that someone could do this in our city and hurt so many people. And I’m sad that I can't be more grateful than angry.

In the end it seems that I will have to use the toughness I learned in training for this race to turn the corner, focusing on the good things; gratitude that my friends and family are safe and for the hundreds of texts, voicemail and emails later from so many friends and family, many of whom donated money and sacrificed to help me accomplish this goal. Maybe turning anger into gratitude is “the last mile of the marathon” for me, what seems like a bigger challenge than completing the last mile of the race would have been.

Last fall I decided to run the Boston Marathon with my friend Jacqui. I thought I could lose some weight, support a friend and, let’s be honest, who doesn’t dream about running THE BOSTON MARATHON? If you have been to the race just the thought of being on the other side as a runner will give you chills. But you don’t just “DECIDE” to run the Boston Marathon - you have to qualify by running for a charity and raising at least $4,000 or running a less than 9 minute mile in another marathon and entering a lottery. I chose raising money for the American Liver Foundation. Like many big goals you set for yourself; you know it’s going to be a lot of work. And there are several large fees, the $300 Boston Athletic Organization fee being one of them. There is a reason a marathon is a huge accomplishment; it’s the biggest physical and mental challenge I have ever been through.

I started training last Thanksgiving, running a mile more each week until by the end of the year I was up to 10 miles for my long run. This wasn’t that hard but at the start of the year the weather turned all, um “NEW ENGLANDY” and running was taking more and more time. Every week I mapped out a plan to run my long run on a certain day and every week there was a snow storm. I tried to run on the treadmill. Have you ever run 13 miles on a treadmill? DON’T. I ran most of my runs in the middle of the street, carefully watching the eyeballs of oncoming traffic one car at a time to make sure I wasn’t going to get run over (if you want to have 18 miles go by faster; try this; keeping yourself alive is very distracting). I ran in wind so bad I had to run in circles back and forth to keep from getting knocked over. Week by week, storm by storm, month by month I got the mileage in – and I tried NOT to think about the fact that I would have to do it again the next week only LONGER. I spent the days after the long run hobbling around exhausted and the weeks leading up to the next long run scared shitless saying to myself how the hell can I run LONGER than that?

Sometime in the winter my running pal Jacqui got injured. I obsessed: HOW would I do this alone? I don’t WANT TO DO THIS ALONE! But I had committed and some generous people had already donated and I couldn’t let them down. When the runs got longer I tortured my experienced friends with questions (is it ok that I skipped my long run because I had the stomach bug or should I have run through it? What kind of socks do you wear? How do I get to the race? What if I have to PEEEE?). By the time I got up to the longest training run I was at 21 miles and my weekends were fully consumed. People will say running this distance is a grueling physical challenge and it is. But for me the challenge was mental; overcoming my mind willing me to procrastinate, take a short cut or give up. I can’t do this I’m too old, I can’t do this I’m too busy, etc. The further you go the more confidence you build up and the lesson learned in the process is that you can do ANYTHING. What happened later at the race can never take that away from me.

I went to my first American Liver Foundation practice run in March by myself. I am not a shy person so I don’t know why this was scary for me but it was. I instantly made friends with a fellow teammate Kim, who entertained me during my whole practice run and we fell into an easy friendship, sharing war stories and nervously preparing for the race by texting and obsessing over every detail; what shoes are you wearing, what are you eating the day before the race?? I met some patients and their families who had been helped by the Foundation and started to feel more personal about the cause.

American Liver Foundation practice run in Hopkinton

Despite this I struggled with the fundraising; constantly posting and emailing. When people donated I was excited but nervous; could they afford it? Would I disappoint them by getting injured or not finishing? Did my friends hate me for harassing them? As you can see my VIRGO-NESS runs my life (this is but a small glimpse into how much I think; it’s fucking exhausting I tell you). Thanks to the generosity of friends and family I hit the fundraising goal and my focus turned to full on obsession about anything and everything BUT the actual running; how would my family get there, what would I bring in my bag, what would the weather be, should I take the bus with my team or drive to Hopkinton, etc, etc.. When my runners passport came I knew it was real.

If you’ve ever lived in Boston or visited during the Marathon you know that the race is a weekend affair with people from all over the world descending on the city. There’s an electricity and energy I have seldom felt in life and as a runner it was even better. The day before the race I went to the Liver Foundation brunch with my daughter and Jacqui where we heard amazing stories; one from a nurse who had contracted Hepatitis C from a medical incident and was alive due to the untimely death and generosity of an 18 year old boy from Turks and Caicos. It was a great way for Megan to see why I sacrificed so many weekends and it made me very excited for her to see me at the finish line. I reasoned that this lesson was more important than all the time I had spent running; my husband taking the brunt of taking care of their needs.

Me, Julie, Jacqui and Megan

Picking up my number for THE BOSTON MARATHON at the Hynes convention center was so exciting. Finally - the part of the process I was waiting for!! The night before the race I stayed overnight at the Westin with my teammates and in the morning we took the bus out to Hopkinton. We laughed because we thought the ride was long – laughing harder when we remembered we had to run the whole way back.
Arriving at Athletes Village makes you feel like you are in the Olympics! For over 2 hours we anxiously awaited the start along with thousands of runners. The energy there is like nothing you will ever experience.

Relaxing before our WAVE

Tia, Kim and me outside high school near the start

Me, Tia and Kim on the bus to Hopkinton

The thing they don’t tell you is that in order to start the Marathon you have to WALK to the start from the high school for OVER A MILE! My walk was made more exciting when I saw Tedy Bruschi, representing his team. I resisted the urge to get a picture with him (dammit). As we started there were so many people you could barely see the sidelines. Nothing can capture the feeling of running with this many people cheering you on; my mind was on fire between my internal voices yelling:

Please stop doing this it hurts, how many more miles? What’s 26.2 minus 3.7? I can’t run another step. Why the fuck am I doing this? Are there any Americans who go to BC? When should I eat this disgusting GU crap? Do I have to pee? I wonder how many calories I’m burning. Did I leave the leash out for the dog walker?

and what you are seeing

How awesome are these volunteers? Everyone is so nice! Look at those old ladies on their lawn drinking Miller Lites at 11 am! Check out this 90 pound chick bouncing by me! Wow, there’s an 80 year old woman in front of me I feel like a FAT ASS LOSER! Good for her! I hope I live as long as her to run this, no I don’t! WOW there’s a lot of cops here. How cute are the little kids handing out oranges!

I started out running with my friends but ended up running by myself, taking my time because I didn’t want to get injured or not finish. I stopped for water, clothing malfunctions and to chat/pose for a picture or two with family and friends who came to see me. For the first 8 or so miles I knew I would see my crew at the end of that leg and I was excited. After that I fell into a slump knowing that I had at least another 8 miles to go until I saw them. But knowing my friends and family they were tracking me on BAA and waiting for me propelled me forward. It’s hard to imagine that you can have a good time while running but I did – one guy high fived me so hard I almost fell over.

Me in Natick

My first trouble was knee pain in Natick. I had never experienced this so I was very nervous I wouldn’t finish. BUT, running has taught me a lot about toughness; there were many times training when I was sure I wouldn’t make it – pain, wardrobe malfunctions, inadequate preparation, laziness, minor injuries, work interferences, the list is endless. My mental training taught me to distract myself and just put one foot in front of the other no matter what. I tried to focus on the posture techniques that I was learning.

There are a lot of things that happen in the race that you can’t prepare for – one of mine was another runner who thought it would be fun to run while dribbling a basketball, THE ENTIRE WAY. She was a fan favorite but I cursed her. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to listen to a bouncing basketball for 5 hours? She stalked me, going slower when I slowed and speeding up when I kicked it into gear. She was like the paperboy in better off dead always there, always yelling: “2 dollars, 2 dollars!!”.

I was really struggling but when I hit Wellesley College I got the lift I needed. It’s a well- known high point of the race and it didn’t disappoint – I had the best time high fiving people and reading the signs: “Kiss me I’m fun sized”, “Kiss my I’m graduating!”. After that my iPod died I tried to focus on how many miles were under my belt rather than how many were left. I was not running my best mental race but I tried to focus on how much fun it would be to see everyone at the end and have the hugest dinner possible. I distracted myself looking at all the people and signs (my worst pain at this point was my neck from rubber-necking and trying to watch everything while running). Tried to look at every sign: Hurry up my mascara runs faster than you!”, Run faster Channing Tatum is at the finish line waiting for you! I was so relaxed I even stopped to have my picture taken with one of them

I started to zone out and forget what mile I was on, just running and watching the sidelines. I got through Newton and heartbreak hill without a problem. By the time I got to BC I was crawling at a snails’ pace. As a former Cleveland Circle drunken spectator I was looking forward to the crowds there but instead I was completely annoyed by the drunk girls who jumped into the race, running around like idiots wearing neon clothes and cowboy boots. Once I got through Cleveland circle I was looking forward to the homestretch; the end was in striking distance. I had been running pretty slowly but I wanted to start speeding it up.

Leaving Coolidge Corner approaching Kenmore Square I got my first clue something was awry; half the spectators were cheering and the other half were running from the finish. I noticed runners talking on their phones and I thought WTF is wrong with people that they can’t run a marathon without yapping on the phone? I complained to a man next to me and he told me there was a bomb at the finish and there were “major casualties”. I stopped to ask a few cops/bystanders/volunteers and they didn’t know any details. I felt myself panicking as police cars started racing down the street on the same side as the runners. I ran for 2 miles not knowing if my family and friends were safe; all I could think about was that if they were hurt the whole thing was my fault. BUT I have always been calm in a crisis – I thought there’s nothing to be gained by freaking out – keep running. My mind was preparing for the worst case scenario; what If the kids are ok and Dan isn’t, what if my sister and her family are not ok but my family is?

When we approached Kenmore Square the cops announced on the megaphone: GO HOME, WE URGE YOU TO GO HOME!!?”. Running 25 miles makes you confused – but no details were given and the race just sort of dissipated without water, food or blankets. Some people were still cheering; I saw one of the liver survivor/supporters and l will never forget the look on his face; he stood amongst the crowd, calling my name and cheering but he looked totally confused – torn between wanting to run and not wanting to desert his post. I asked anyone I could find what was going on but there was no internet/cell service; the only updates coming from people who were texting from home as they watched the TV. I had no way to get in touch with my family so I just sat down in the middle of Kenmore Square, cold and thirsty – no clue what to do. I tried to ask a few cops what to do it but was chaos. Confused and panicked; I thought how the hell am I going to get home: I have no money, no phone – nothing!

It’s funny how different people react to stress; a few people were so helpful and understanding; others going into meltdown mode yelling and repeating the same information. Some people were lying in the street crying, some laughing and everything in between. Trash was flying around and cars were driving on the wrong side of the road because the barriers were half up. A BU security guard gave me water; another guy offered me a blanket. Afeter a while I finally had the mental wherewithal to stop a guy who had finished running and was walking to his hotel. I used his phone to text Dan and tell him I was safe. Dan texted back right away and said that they were safe at the Westin. It was a huge relief and I resolved to walk to the Westin – only another mile away.

Every direction I went they closed the street. Every street that closed I walked to the right - casing the Westin until I could get to the front of the building. I felt like a lost toddler wandering around by myself in a foreign land. When I got there they wouldn’t let me in – the building was being evacuated. I had nowhere to go so I kept walking to the bus where my bag was. That street was closed too and I waited as volunteers carried bag after bag to the street. The BAA is a class A organization and either they train their volunteers well or they are highly dedicated – maybe both. I was impressed that so many volunteers were manning their posts despite the complete chaos and extreme conditions.

I texted Dan to let him know where I was – knowing I wouldn’t get an answer. Once I got my bag I stopped to get warm and rest at a medical tent on St James. The tent was empty except for a supply guy whose pants were covered with blood. He tended to my very minor injuries as I watched the news and charged my phone enough to post on Facebook that I was ok. Exchanging stories with other runners I told a guy that I was mad I didn’t finish and my kids were in danger because I was slow. He told me that if I wasn’t slow my kids and/or I might be dead. They wanted the runners to go to the Boston common but there was no way I could walk another mile. When they turned the heat off in the tent I was on the move again; I asked a cop directing traffic if the Westin was open and if they would let me walk there. He was nice enough to have someone drive me; by this time I could barely walk.

When I met up with Dan I discovered that he immediately had the good sense to put the kids and family/friends on the commuter train out only minutes after the bomb. They had checked my progress on line and saw that I was running slower than expected so they took their time at lunch and were walking back to Boylston St at the time of the bomb, only a block away. Knowing that they were safely out of the city was a huge relief. Later, talking to my sister she described the panic she was in, thinking the train would be bombed on the way out and the kids witnessing all kinds of panic.

Dan and I were stuck at the Westin for a couple hours where the giant meal I had been looking forward to was not to be had since they ran out of food. My adrenalin was on overdrive but we weren’t allowed to leave. When the streets opened we finally got to leave - no post team celebration, no sense of closure. It was after 10, running home to see the kids who were waiting up to make sure we were safe. Although they were stressed out, they seemed to calm down the minute they saw us.

We were scheduled to leave for a family vacation the next morning and that’s what we did. I expected to feel sore for the week but the added feelings of helplessness, shock and confusion took a while to dissipate. Watching the kids having fun and seeing them seemingly unaffected by what they saw has helped. I tried to ignore my mind and body, ignoring the news, going horseback riding and climbing rocks. Watching the hard work and bravery that we have seen helps cancel out the bad but it’s still so scary to think that two young people could hate so much, or that their close family members would be so oblivious to the hearts and minds of their own children/relatives.

For now, it’s one day at a time - each day feeling more grateful, getting back to the business of life ad not taking anything for granted. People ask me if I will run another marathon – some saying “you don’t need to, you ran almost the whole thing”, or “don’t let them win by taking away your accomplishment”. I am still deciding but I do know that I don’t need to do it to prove that I’m strong. I proved that – with or without the medal.

Behold my sock collection

2013-01-29T20:11:00.000-05:00

Yet another half an hour spent on the futile task of sock sorting. The pile gets bigger every week. I am constantly sorting, washing and hoarding new socks - BUT I will still inevitably get someone screaming bloody murder in the morning: "I DONT' HAVE ANY SOCKS!!!!" as if their pants were on fire. Am I the only person in the house qualified for this task?? Every week I sort, turn them right side out, line them up by size/color, ribbed, not ribbed (snort snort). They are all very similar but not quite the same. I have socks in here from 1993. Wait....I think this would be a better task to complete with a few drinks under my belt.......

Pinterest has been both the best and worst thing ever for people like me. I could spent hours browsing figuring out the best way to organize my junk drawer or how to braid my hair (which I have never once done in my entire life) . BUT this is an example of the worst.

Seriously? Who the fuck has 4 lost socks?

Lets get real people. I would need 17 bins, one for each kid and by type of sock (ski socks, white socks, black athletic socks, dress socks, running socks, boot socks.....). When there's a hole in one sock do you throw away its companion? What if there is another single sock from the same collection lurking behind the washing machine waiting for its mate? Sometimes I throw away a lone sock thinking its match is a goner and then the sneaky sock turns up under the couch and I feel guilty for wasting money. I could do an excel pivot table....

Wait...perhaps I am overthinking this...

Boston Marathon training update

2012-12-15T15:52:00.004-05:00

Training has not gone very well this week; between feeling weak after putting the dog down and a rowdy weekend in Raleigh I skipped my long run last week and have been paying for it this week - barely able to complete my normal 3 mile loop. I beat myself up about these things and decided that the pain of running 11 miles was less bad than the pain of torturing myself about it. The actual running part isn't the hardest for me - its my brain telling me to quit or that I can do it another day.

But today I had to end all that. The theme of the day was: "I can't do this but I'm doing it anyway". Now that I have committed to running Boston it's a lot of motivation with so many people having generously signed up for the cause. I don't want to let them or myself down - so I do it.

I'm nervous still about the holidays and vacation plans but trying to take it one week at a time. If you can help, please donate whatever amount you are comfortable with here.

http://go.liverfoundation.org/site/TR/RunforResearch/RunforResearch?px=1786080&pg=personal&fr_id=3260

christmas resolutions

2012-11-27T20:55:00.000-05:00

Why wait until after the holidays? I'm making my resolutions now. Seems appropriate since for someone like me can do a lot of damage between now and the end of the year. December is a tough month for me; my obsession with making the holidays festive converges with my laziness and perfectionism to form the perfect storm - an entire month filled with extreme crafting/cooking and shopping - none of which actually gets finished.

PS I don't intend on actually doing any of things.

1. I will use all the craft supplies purchased for holiday projects I never finished. THERE IS A LOT OF THIS SHIT - you may not see me for the month. At one point I bought 5 pounds of epsom salt to use as fake snow. This doesn't seem very smart.

2. I will not enter Michaels ONCE*!!! I will not buy one more christmas decoration that isn't replacement of a light for as long as I LIVE.

3. I will buy kids presents, write them all down, including price. I will not panic purchase 16 additional presents in an attempt to make sure that there's "enough" and the money spent is even.

4. I will meticulously put all my Christmas decorations away with a box for each room. I will label them and scrape the broken ornaments off the melted candy cane coated bottoms. I will NOT wake up hungover on new years day and throw my grandmothers glass ornaments in the same random rubbermaid containers as my 10 pound stocking hanger.

I only have about 90 other things to put on this list but my other new resolution is to finish something so I am posting this AS IS.

Week 4 of marathon training

2012-11-24T17:20:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I run out of obligation, sometimes I run to keep my ass from looking like Honey Boo Boos mothers' and some days its to keep my mind from exploding out of my head. I haven't run for 2 days and today when I woke up I didn't even dread the fact that I had to run 10 miles because I had about 9000 thoughts to work through and it was going to take a while. I don't know why but I can think so much more clearly when I am running. Maybe its because there's nothing else to do - I am one of those annoying people who would sooner sweep the garage or reorganize a junk drawer when stressed out than sit through the discomfort. If nothing is available to scrub, smoke, drink, reorganize or launder - sleeping works just fine too. I have this vision of myself when I'm running, I think I look like Linus with my thoughts following me like a dust cloud.

I do struggle at the beginning of a long run; when my GPS says "1 mile" I spend the whole rest of the mile thinking, "great I have to do that 10 more times!". The first half of the run seems like a math session; "If I run 20 seconds faster for this mile my average goes down by 2 seconds a mile", "If I run 10 miles thats 1000 calories and 2 regular margaritas or 3 skinny, or 2 margaritas and 1 corona light", etc. etc. It's a challenge to quite the mind. Somedays all I can think about is all the shit I have to do when I get home. Those are the worst runs - by the time I get back to my neighborhood I'm sprinting I'm so stressed out.

I'm really liking distance running so far. I am very nervous about getting above the 13 miles mark but trying to take it day by day, week by week. I really like having a goal of the Boston Marathon because I feel a stronger sense of urgency and I'm less likely to procrastinate. I am also struggling with the fact that my shorter runs after the long ones suck ass; its like my blood has been replaced by concrete and I'm dragging ass just to finish 3 miles. I have been taking electrolyte pills during the long runs which seem to help. Or maybe it was that I had 3 dinner rolls lastnight (HORROR: GLUTEN!!!).

Don't forget to donate to cause if you haven't already - I am very excited about the money being raised for such a great cause.
https://secure3.convio.net/alf/pc2/dashboard.html

Marathon training in progress

2012-11-09T14:24:00.000-05:00

I finished my second long run at 7 miles today; I wanted nothing to do with running, my legs hurt and I wasn't in a good place - all I could do was obsess about work stuff and every step I took. But I did it. Knowing that I'm helping people who are suffering with liver disease and their families is definitely a motivator. Please try and help if you can!

https://secure3.convio.net/alf/pc2/dashboard.html

Bakenstein

2012-06-27T21:02:00.000-04:00

There's a web site I like called Bakerella: http://www.bakerella.com/. Its the best site and makes me feel totally inadequate, I couldn't make any of that. This is what I make

No this is not intended to look like a snake and no its not my liver. This was my attempt at making gluten free Spelt flour french bread. Often I will make things that look horrible but taste good. Not so here. It could have been used as a rubber dog toy if only my dog had any teeth left. Actually even if he had teeth he would have probably passed. I threw it out pan and all. It only took me 4 hours and 19 dirty dishes to make, no big deal. I didn't have anything else to do. I almost feel relieved to cross "attempt cooking specialty breads" off my list. CHECK!

The problem with bread is that there's too many steps. The first time I let it rise I let it go oh about 2 hours too long. OOPSIE I had a work crisis. Then I forgot about it again and was falling asleep so I had my husband take it out of the oven. I cannot believe he didn't try some!

I blame this newfound unachieveable goal on my neice Andrea who makes baking look easy and bread look like something you want to inhale. When I saw what she was making over at http://www.piebirds.org/ I had to try. Hey I don't have enough to do and I need another expensive kitchen appliance, time to start baking. Mind you I don't even eat bread anymore. Well unless I'm feeling really crazy. Ok I eat it all the time.

Actually I really can't stand my nieghbor; I'm thinking of finding this in the trash and putting it in her mailbox.

New treadmill workout to die for

2012-06-25T17:27:00.001-04:00

Too hot to run outside, or its raining CONSTANTLY. Today I decided to do a workout I saw in Self magazine; the Minka Kelly treadmill workout. I can't believe how awesome this was so I thought I would share. I absolutely despise the treadmill but you can't beat the convenience. If I don't have a goal like this all I can think about is how miserable I am and every second goes by like an hour.

Here it is..

1 minute @ 5 speed
1 minute @ 5.5
1 minute @ 6
1 minute @ 6.5
1 minute @ 7
1 minute @ 7.5
1 minute @8
2 minutes @4.5

Repeat 5 times. YUP, 5 times.
I shit you not I didn't even know my treadmill had a speed of 8. I almost died but I stuck with it. You have no idea how bad I wanted to take a shortcut but I am really trying to DO WHAT I SAY IM GOING TO DO as it relates to diet and exercise and STOP WHINING or making excuses. I am better than most at working out; I need to remind myself of that. I tend to focus on the negative and curse myself for it but I was very happy I stuck with this because it was hard but I felt great. Happy running fuckers!

Hypnotize me

2012-06-23T08:57:00.004-04:00

I went to hypnosis the other day. Lest you think I'm getting all crazy - I had a groupon. There are lots of reasons people do this I guess, quitting smoking, quitting junk food, past life regression therapy, etc. My stated goal was to calm the fuck down. I want to learn to deal more productively with anxiety. You know, when your on a conference call and your already ticked off because its well past 5, the dishwasher is buzzing, you're trying to figure out what to make for dinner, the dog just shit all over the house, the kids are fighting, the phone is ringing and you want to shoot yourself in the head. Is this normal? These are the times I guess everyone is stressed but there are also lesser events that make me feel the same way. I am never happy with the tradeoffs I make; I choose a high pressure job but I am tortured by the constant mess my house is. I choose to be lazy and stay on pinterest all night yet I'm pissed I didn't do something more productive. I choose not to volunteer at school anymore because I always run into a stepford wife that has dressed for the occasion with matching earrings and sandals and I haven't even taken a shower. Outwardly these things don't bother me but inside there's constant chatter about it. The bottom line? I want to be everything and I want to be perfect. Make my own bread? YES. Serve condiments in their original containers are a dinner party? NEVER. I think you get the idea.

First thing we did was to breathe; deep breathes in with positive thoughts...deep breathe out with all the crap in your head; like puking negative thoughts. It did relax me. Then I sat back in a chair and he started talking to me in a very soothing voice about being on top of a mountain with a cool breeze in my hair and he kept counting down to say every level I would let my mind wander and think of nothing. Half the time I thought I would die of laughter but I was really trying to be serious..to push back the constant noise in my head; (this is hysterical! I have to go to the dry cleaner! If this guy doesn't stop talking soon I'm going to be late to pick up the kids! Shit I forgot to go to CVS!). But it WAS very relaxing and once I felt on the verge of falling asleep he asked me questions like WHY do I feel anxious all the time. See the problem with therapy and all this stuff is that I know what my problems are; I am a perfectionist: if I don't go running when I'm supposed to I feel bad and I say bad things to myself; you are lazy, you have no will power. I have a short fuse; little things aggravate me - mainly stupid people.   Why go to therapy? I'm not going to change the fact that I felt like the mother growing up and my father died and then mother died and I never felt like I belonged. Why talk about it? I know I'm a good person, a good mother, funnier than most, not as fat or wrinkly for my age as most. Doesn't change the fact that I am a perfectionist who drinks too much, works too much, sucks at baking, has the patience level of a gnat and I occasionally smokes (ok sometimes more than occasionally).

In any case, he asked me some of the root of all this while I was "under" (and I do remember answering, not sure if that means it didn't work). I did feel relaxed when he brought me back from the half asleep state I was in. He gave me a meditation cd, told me i had a lot of work to do and sent me on my way. Ca-ching! I don't know if I'll go back. I am going to try the meditation cd and i am going to try the breathing techniques. It was really good for a day but then yesterday I had a horrific day at work; no one listening, having to repeat myself over and over, I let a detail slip that caused problems, etc etc.  But today's another day! Wish me luck :)

2012-06-03T18:01:00.000-04:00

My first half marathon wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I finished in 2 hours which was pretty good considering I hadn't run more than 6 miles in 2 months; must have been the giant bowl of pasta I had the night before. Running a marathon is like the lie that you are pregnant for 9 months; they tell you its 26 or 13 but its really 26.2 and 13.1. My gps said is was 13.6!!! I can't say that I would have done this without my friend Jacquie's encouragement. We both have had our training challenges but we got out there and put one foot in front of the other. There were a lot of reasons why i couldn't do this. It felt really good to set a goal and meet it despite the fact that everything that could have gone wrong in training DID go wrong. As you can see Jacqui is the stylish one.

I met most of my goals, all of which involved some version of me not embarassing myself by sleeping through/tripping/puking/crapping/peeing or any kind of miscelleous bodily malfunctioning during the race. I almost hurled but not for the reasons you would expect. You see my first half marathon was in the Dirty Woo. Ran through every kind of neighborhood and was very disracted the whole time, checking out all the houses in the nice neighborhoods and counting the number of check cashing stores in the bad. The vomiting almost happened when I ran by a hugely unattractive guy in his bathrobe leaning against his front door smoking a butt. I also discovered that there are a LOT of hair braiding salons on Chandler St. FYI at races they aren't always hand out water - sometimes its gatorade and you should doublecheck before you decide it would be refreshing to douse yourself in it. For some reason the whole first part of the race I thought about my stepfather who lived through unspeakable cancer pain (nothing compared to the pain of dragging my fat ass around town): between this and my trying to remember where he worked on chandler st I blew through a couple miles of mindlessness. Strangely I was competitive during the race even though my only goal was to finish. Almost every section I ran in focused on catching someone I couldn't bear losing to (I usually try not to end a sentence with a preposition but FUCK it I'm tired). I got a lot of satisfaction from blowing by the 90 year old man, the hippie wearing blue tights and the cottage cheese leg girl. As usual I saw lot of hilariously stupid things to amuse myself with. The race shuts down all the streets it goes through and its not the first year for you race so you would think people who live on the route would be used to it but I saw a guy in the "rich" part of town trying to get out of his driveway and he couldn't because it was wall to wall people so he was busy cursing moving his car a millimeter at a time; I have my anger management issues but its actually comical watching someone that idotically mad. Then this runner took matters into her own hands and started yelling CAR!! CAR!! as he tried to get down his street. Of course I laughed and stayed exactly where I was. PURE EVIL I TELL YOU.

As if I don't have enough gear for everything I do I also discovered the compression (insert product: socks, pants, etc). Yes please!! Supposed to prevent shin splints, decrease muscle cramps and soreness!! Sign me up!!!

Does it make me a bad person that I wanted to toast my succcess with a refreshing minty newport light?

Bad parenting exhibit 2287

2012-05-24T20:40:00.000-04:00

Things have been a little crazy round here. As in "MOM I HAVE NO CLEAN SOCKS", "DOG HASN'T BEEN FED", "NO ONE HAS CHECKED MY HOMEWORK", "HAVEN'T TAKEN A SHOWER", 90 messages on the voicemail kind of crazy. Kids haven't had a homecooked meal, senile dog crapping all over the house - the standards are pretty low people. If you came here to be inspired by mother of the year I fear you are misguided; look elsewhere. I am not your girl. Some weeks I make homeade bread and some weeks I work 90 hours a week. That's just the deal. Work has been the priority; I'm not gonna lie. If noone's bleeding, I'm working. I'm not proud of it. It is what it is. But a few reminders of my incompetence at work life balance are noteworthy.

Megan, my 8 year old daughter has been asking me to print a picture of her for at least a month. Her classmate has asked for a picture of her. I don't have any ink or paper so I keep putting her off. Finally she took matters into her own hands and found her kindergarten class picture and butchered it thusly. I don't know why i find this so horrifying. Is it that I will always keep this, wanting to see who her class was in 50 years ago only to know that 1) I don't remember any of them and 2) my bad parental habits will be memorialized forever? There are so many things you forget as a parent, good and bad. This isn't one of them since now I have something that will forever remind me of the fact that I have to prioritize and reprioritize on a seemingly hourly basis and sometimes I make the wrong choice. Do I finish what I have to do for work or do I take my daughter to girl scouts? Do I nap because I worked 16 hours yesterday and can't put a sentence together or do I go the the market?

A good friend of mine who is an MIT graduate and a very nice person once told her 1 year old to "shut the fuck up!". Am I a bad person that I find this funny? Maybe, you're entitled to your opinion, and I'm entitled not to care. Just because we are keeping it real over here doesn't mean my kids suffer.

One of these days I am going to write a book called "kids are retarded" and it will involve lots of stories such as
1. Me telling the kids that I am ON A VERY IMPORTANT CALL - ABSOLUTE SILENCE IS A MUST! only to be followed by both kids parading around the house playing portable recorders and pianos. On a good day the kids will give me sticky notes, "Can I have a snack?", "Megan loves you!". But this one killed me. When she gave it to me I started crying while on a 7 hour work conference call that went to 11 at night. I suck!!

2. I was in the tub the other day and Dan was downstrairs. Both the kids came upstairs into the tub to ask me if I had a pencil when their father was sitting right there in the living room. Seriously? WTF is that all about? Do I have a pencil? In the tub? Sadly I remember doing this to my mother and yet i am gainfully employed (much to my chagrin).

There are just too many other stories, the rest if to be written.....

Stupid people are stupid plus they don't listen

2012-05-07T22:45:00.000-04:00

Took the dog on an unsanctioned joy ride to CVS. As many of you know he is not allowed in the car, BANNED and for good reason. But F it! I wanted him to go on a joy ride.
I don't think I was out of my driveway before I was rewarded for my violation of house rules by him crapping all over the car and himself. Emergency! I call a private family owned business as I always want to do. A place I have been many times.
Me: "Having an emergency, geriatric dog had a "bathroom accident" and I need an appt asap."
Moron: "for grooming or daycare"
Me: um grooming, unless you want to deal with an incontinent dog all day
Moron: We have an appt on june 15.
Me: Well given the circumstances I was hoping you could take him earlier.
Moron: No that's the soonest. , no empathy or apology
CLICK. Seriously?

Called petco and get a sweetheart of a girl who feels awful and wants to take my baby in NOW. Took him at 5 and he's out at 7 looking like a handsome gentleman. Now I can't EVER go back to the un-named establishment ever because ahem, why would I? I WANTED TO GIVE THEM MONEY.

the devil told me to make waffles

2012-04-25T22:46:00.002-04:00

I'm having a rough month. Work is crazy and I can't get control of my life. Forms coming in from school, kids activities, fundraising paperwork I have no intention of completing, you know the drill (PS who is going to invent a central system where I can register these damn kids for camps without filling out my home, work and cell numbers and next of kin 90 times). Did I mention that my canned bean collection is not organized in order of expiration date? Yesterday I was so stressed out I thought every blood vessel was going to explode all over my messy house. All I could think of was if only Lucy the cleaning lady was here. Everything can be totally out of control but if your house isn't a wreck don't you feel LESS CRAZY? Should I call her in for an emergency or should i spend the $120 on a new pair of pink matchstick jcrew jeans (oh I didn't even know i wanted those!!). I just can't believe that I am 45 and I still don't have the secret for separating OCD from sleep. If my brain is capable of "higher thought" why isn't it capable of doing nothing? I mean don't you just know when you need to take a break? And yet I don't. My kids come home with endless stories of the day and all I can think about it getting back to my email and nodding absently, pretending to listen. Does that make me a bad person? Well I'm sure other people do it and I admited it so there. Fuck you. And your mother.

I even went on vacation in the midst of all this; obsessively checked my bberry, working the whole last weekend trying to get ahead, 12 hour days to follow. To no no avail, avalanche buries me. Today I was toast - done! A million things to do but frozen in front of my computer wondering what to do first - and then it hit me. I NEED TO MAKE WAFFLES - NOW. Middle of the day, all conference calls must go on mute and the process commenced. A sense of calm ensued as whipped up the waffles FROM SCRATCH. Now for those of you who think I'm a domestic - it is not so. I have guilt about not doing normal things which leads to extremes:

1. I do not go to all my sons games and practices for sports therefore I must make homeade Nutella
2. I am impatient. I yell at my kids for stupid shit. So I make sure that when my daugher wants to make any possible random craft, it is available. Running out of googly eye stickers is roughly on the same order of magnitude as no milk in the house. Did you know you can order paper plates on Amazon?

I am just a normal person trying to cook the food I buy before it rots and put food on the table that my kids won't complain about. Somehow making waffles allowed me to transition from psycho workaholic to normal person. And a 7 mile run didn't hurt either.

Does anyone care?

People that make me think of smelly farts

2012-04-13T22:24:00.003-04:00

Fat and skinny people make me think of farting. I can't see this guy without thinking of what he smells like. I fantasize about Michael Vick having to smell him after a big team chili cook off. It's like word association: the minute I see his face I think of smelly farts.

Maybe Victoria Beckham is hot (if you like skeletons) but I can't imagine how bad she smells. Eating

non -lettuce must be very disturbing to the digestive system! I know when I don't eat anything but lettuce I look good but can't be around anyone.

And last but not least this guy is just gross. I mean how can you not see him and think JUICY FART. I do not want to be in the bathroom after him. PERIOD.

Who makes you think of poopies? :)

Cotton bunnies

2012-04-07T17:32:00.002-04:00

Nothing like a holiday to get me posting; I haven't posted anything recently. Mostly because my brain is in such a state of randomness I fear it would be a list of one liners, things I want to do or buy and rants. Good thing Easter is here to bring us back to happy thoughts and bunnies. I got this idea from here //www.busybeekidscrafts.com/Mini-Bunnies.html
My daughter Megan (7 and a half) was actually able to do most of it herself except the cutting Qtip part.

We made these for our little cousins who are coming over tomorrow but then she decided that only the girls should have them.

You say Catsup I say Ketchup (homemade ketchup!)

2012-01-04T18:10:00.003-05:00

The kids are pissed, their reign of terror is coming to and end. I am feeding them what I want them to eat and they are kind of liking it. I made a batch of this the other day and its good; Matt says its not good as the bottle - I may try a few variations. I have most of this stuff and I am constantly in the kitchen so not hard to make at all. I would recommend not putting as much clove and allspice if you are going to try.

2 tablespoons olive oil
1 medium onion, chopped medium
1 clove garlic, minced
28-oz can tomato purée
1/2 cup packed dark brown sugar
1/4 cup cider vinegar
1 tablespoon tomato paste
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon ground mustard
1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
1/8 teaspoon allspice
1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper

Let this be the year I find my waist

2012-01-02T20:41:00.001-05:00

Today I went running and got smoked by a guy running at quadruple my speed. In my defense, he was wearing tights. HOW ON EARTH am I supposed to compete with a guy who wears tights? I was feeling better when I thought of that but then not 5 minutes later I was passed by a 4 foot tall pudgey midget lady. UGH. I have been verrrrry naughty lately. Many new years resolutions must be considered. I never dieted in my life but middle age girth has been stalking me like a horny fratboy follows a drunk girl. I'm going on a girls cruise in February and I have to be able to sit up drinking my beer without a roll or ...er rolls. I mean its really hard to drink wine or beer when you're lying down - believe me I've tried. a straw helps but still its hard.

Which leads me to my resolutions. First on the list of resolutions is my obsession with eliminating packaged foods. I've been reading about nutrition; my newfound knowlege tells me that a diet of hamburger helper, steak, wine, salty lunch meat and mucho dairy may not be a good thing. No seriously, I don't eat that bad but do my kids really need to be eating $5 ketchup made of pure sugar? Let this be known as the year I stayed in on New Year's Eve and made ketchup (stay tuned for that - I wasn't quite happy with it so I will be posting my experimentations sometime when I'm super-bored and my soups are alphabetized). Besides being obsessed with healthy food I'm getting disgusted at the $ everything costs; my daughter loves Pepperidge farm cinammon bread and goes through 2 $4.50 loaves a week; seriously, $10 a week for bread (one kind)? Its not that I don't have the $10 but there's plenty of other things I want to spend it on. That reminds me that the other day while my husband was busy telling me in depth about the international monetary crisis I was buying $50 bras on line; so you see I'm not CHEAP. If you know me you know I have been stockpiling stuff so it might be 2014 before I make a brownie mix from scratch. I have also been making homemade eye cream. ok maybe I am taking this a little too far....
P.S. Dan's little chat about the diminishing value of the dollar has me more convinced that I NEED to buy more paper towels despite having 3 cases downstairs....prices are only going up people!

In any case, I am back on the modified diet http://www.cleanprogram.com/. I did this in August for 2 weeks (you are supposed to do it for 21 days). I felt great after the 2 weeks and dropped some weight. This time I am not giving up coffee and I am only going to do it during the week (no need to go crazy people). I am also going to write down what I eat on this
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/. Having to do this makes me ~~less likely to eat off the kids plates~~ more accountable. And I'll be using my favorite new toy!
http://www.vitamix.com/
Other resolutions up for discussion:
1. Stop telling my husband how much I hate Kim Kardashian (according to him I say this at least a couple times a week).
2. Stop leaving the house with no makeup, dirty dog hair covered clothes and my slippers.
3. Take vitamins (you know, the things in the $20 bottles in my cabinet that make me want to puke)
4. Refrain from buying any more seasonal decorations. Do I really need to decorate the whole house for every freaking holiday?
5. In bed by 10. Bad things happen in the diet department when I stay up late. You call it snacking, I call it cleaning the fridge.
6. Find cure for frizzy hair

Things that may have to wait....on account of my over achieving tendencies
7. Finish projects I start; I love to cut out recipes I never made, buy craft supplies for proejcts I never complete, etc. Maybe I'll have to save this for next year...
8. Stop complaining about stupid people

Well thats ALL I have :)

Dilapidated gingerbread igloo

2011-11-26T21:59:00.002-05:00

this isWhy do I do this to myself? Gingerbread mixes are $6!! I swear to god (BRUCE) that I followed the directions. I mean King Arthur flour is THE source. I mean is there anything I can't F up?

http://www.kingarthurflour.com/baking/documents/gingerbread.pdf

I spent at least $15 and 4 hours on this travesty: my arm muscles are actually SORE. I even MEASURED the thickness of the walls and THIS IS THE RESULT. This reminds me of my breadmaking experiments; $100 at Bread and Circus for some nice chewy pumpernickel until my friend Jane said "Do you know you can buy bread for $2? I think I need a consultant to come watch me bake to see what I am doing wrong. Or perhaps its that I am the only home sapien in the suburbs without a Kitchenaid mixer? I can only imagine what the final product will look like. Perhaps my time is best spent at work after all.

The other side of the house

2011-10-30T00:10:00.006-04:00

Before picture with cute model

Since moving into this house I have not been able to stand my dining room and living room. BLECH!!!! I wish I took a good before and after pic - but for 10 years I have not been able to deal. Its not that a lot of thought hasn't gone into it...quite the contrary. I just hadn't found pinterest.com yet. First of all, we inherited a high quality dining room set that was very 70's. You can kind of see the china cabinet here behind my cutie on her birthday. I remember decorating this when I was pregnant. Apparently I was in a yellow/red/classic mood. Its like someone vomited gold and red all over the place.

As you can see on the right under the dancing queens; the vomit fest expanded to the next room because, since I grew up in the 80's: I am obsessed with matchy matchy. Dining room furniture falls somewhere below "things you do when your kids college fund is fully funded" on the priority list. I have not been very inspired here. I let that block me and said, welp there's not much I can do.

First thing I did was to move the monstrous china cabinet that I hated to the opposite wall. Now this is what you see. I bought these pictures as jpg files on line and framed them in cheap Michaels' frames. I put 2 lamps I had on the buffet and viola! I never would have thought to do this but I saw it on line somewhere.

Then, my Coup de grâce; THE ZEBRA RUG. I don't know where i got this idea but I love it! I got permission to mix an oriental run in one room with an animal print in the next room. WHOA!!! I ordered a similar rug from rugsdirect.com but when went to home goods the next day and found it cheaper: AND got this awesome pillow. What do you think????

Getting the Virgo off my back

2011-10-26T22:49:00.000-04:00

My monkey is a Virgo and it wouldn’t get off me for a few weeks. My head is full of nonsense; worrying about every little thing at work and home, feeling overwhelmed, not eating well, etc. I’m up half the night worrying about work and let me just say that I am not the obsess-in-bed-and-solve-problems type. Oh no; I get nothing resolved whatsoever. My worrying consists of thinking about every piece of minutia on my “to do” list backward and forward. I’m surprised I don’t suck my thumb while I do it. I have taken to getting out of bed and working at 4 am once a week because I just can’t stand sitting there thinking and wasting time. Why am I overwhelmed I ask myself? Well let’s see what I’m working on right now besides the usual work 50 plus hours a week, take care of house and kids, take kids to their activities, homework, worry about friends and family, etc but there’s

Couponing – otherwise known as printing, searching and going to 9 stores a week for deals; if you need some barbeque sauce I'm your girl. In my defense its a lot of work to make sure that the house has enough toilet paper. Ass wiping is serious business.
Halloween prep - see previous posts
Learning to wear makeup; aka watching youtube to learn what I was supposed to have learned like 30 years ago. Why do I care? WRINKLES. DUH.
Trying to get my kids to eat or ..er ..trying not to feed the kids chicken nuggets every day. Searching for recipes; buying ingredients for recipes, throwing food away that I never make recipes with, etc. Nuff said.
Pinterest; if you are not spending 3 hours a day on this you don't know what you're missing; I mean I thought I had enough to do but now I can add homemade beauty supplies to the list. Did you know you can make you own pore strips?
Obsessive organizing. I actually was up all night last week trying to imagine objects I could use to organize my cabinets on the cheap. One site actually recommended empty tuna cans for the junk drawer. This is not for me.
Redecorating my dining room and living room and every other room in my house that I haven't finished. Post to come.
Waxing. My eyebrows. Its all I can do not to go every day.

I am not just your classic perfectionist; I want to do it all and I want to do it now. And don’t tell me to relax. I don’t do relax. The more I do the more I want to do and the more I expect. In any case, funny what a downward spiral I can get myself into. I have a headache, so I don’t go running, I stay up too late, and I have a bag of m&ms at midnight which makes me more tired and less likely to do the things that make me sane like working out and eating/sleeping well. Stress builds up until I want to explode, or take a nap (it’s a black or white world for me my friends). My runs have been horrible; every day I seem to get slower, counting every step of my torturous runs.

Today rather than let myself go deeper into my own mental prison I forced myself to drink a half a gallon of water to cure my headache and went running; feeling like I may have an aneurysm on the way but it was better than the alternative. I had one of the best runs ever. When I came to the hill I normally hit where I have to stop and walk .....I kept going and said to myself YOU CAN DO THIS. I thought of the worst times in my life; my mothers death, stepfather's illness, breakup with person-who-shall-remain-nameless; ....all of it feeling like you just can't put one foot in front of the other. And I just did it one step at a time. It was like that Bruce song the Rising - I was at the bottom of a mountain and started crawling, then jogging shedding layers of SHIT along the way - I could hear the song Eye of the Tiger playing and when I get to the top of the mountain (home) and I’m feeling like a trillion bucks and I look down at myself and my ...shirt ....is ....on ....inside out. TYPICAL.