I’m sure by now you’ve heard about that crazy guy James Lee who was maybe strapped with a bomb, but most definitely armed with a gun when he stormed the Discovery Channel(!?) headquarters in Maryland and took three people hostage before being shot and killed by police, who rescued the baffled, frightened Discovery employees, suddenly at the mercy of a deranged Ecoterrorist(?) with a weird, obsession-y death wish for the notorious, n’er do well network, Discovery!

Ummm, I mean they did give Sarah Palin her own reality show, so okay? But then it starts getting really weird…

Apparently, the dude’s demented grievance against the Discovery channel began back in 2008, when he was arrested for disorderly conduct for oh, just your average, ho-hum incident involving “hiring homeless people” to join comprise his protest and hold signs, with cash bonuses awarded to the loudest, most protestin’ son-of-gun in the bunch, while “throwing thousands of dollars into the air” all to show his seething hatred of a nature show network, whose apocalyptic programming includes Planet Earth, Man vs. Wild, kid and family friendly “Shark Week,” and the Search For The Ultimate Cheeseburger, must be permanently silenced!

Or else!?!?

Well, I guess when your entire life’s philosophy is based on a fictional book about a telepathic ape who teams with a 12-year-old girl to save the planet, called “My Ishmael,” tossing crumpled Benjamins in the air, while homeless people run around chasing it, does seem like an effective way of getting your point across, like how “Money is trash and means nothing.” And also that you’re one crazy Asian motherf**ker!

So why exactly was James Lee locked in his own ongoing, bizarre, personal one-on-one war with the freakin’ Discovery Channel of all places? Hello, I mean have you ever heard of MTV Networks? Snooki? Surely, that orange dwarf is as toxic to Mother Earth as the live, televised birth of sextuplets, no?

Apparently not to Mr. James Lee, who compiled a hilarious list of demands and beliefs that Discovery Channel “MUST broadcast to the world and do IMMEDIATELY”…or suffer the consequences!

“The Discovery Channel and it’s affiliate channels MUST have daily television programs at prime time slots based on Daniel Quinn’s “My Ishmael” pages 207-212 where solutions to save the planet would be done in the same way as the Industrial Revolution was done, by people building on each other’s inventive ideas. Focus must be given on how people can live WITHOUT giving birth to more filthy human children since those new additions continue pollution and are pollution.”

“Programs must be developed to find solutions to stopping ALL immigration pollution and the anchor baby filth that follows that.”

Whoa, whoa, wait!! Fox News attacked the Discovery Channel?? Oh, oops, my bad, saw “anchor baby filth,” and made the obvious leap.

“Humans are the most destructive, filthy, pollutive creatures around and are wrecking what’s left of the planet with their false morals and breeding culture.”

Oh, what now a person can’t ‘Gym Tan Laundry’ without some crazy, self hating, greenpeacy Asian eco-terrorist all up in their grills, screaming about how “The Situation” isn’t some Jersey guido’s rock hard abs, but rather the coming Armageddon if Discovery Channel doesn’t shape up, stop airing mammalian procreation, and start killing anchor babies instead!

“For every human born, ACRES of wildlife forests must be turned into farmland in order to feed that new addition over the course of 60 to 100 YEARS of that new human’s lifespan! THIS IS AT THE EXPENSE OF THE FOREST CREATURES!!!!”

OMG, not the elves, gnomes and other whimsical li’l creatures of the enchanted woods and also of fantasy children books by J.R.R Tolkien. Please, please not the unicorns and dragons, anything but them!

“Saving the Planet means…decreasing the Human population. That means stopping the human race from breeding any more disgusting human babies!”

Hear that Bristol?? For God’s sake, wrap some rubber around Levi’s man muscle for once! The Human race depends on it!

“Also, war must be halted. Not because it’s morally wrong, but because of the catastrophic environmental damage modern weapons cause to other creatures.”

Ooooh right, of course!

“FIND SOLUTIONS JUST LIKE THE BOOK SAYS! Humans are supposed to be inventive. INVENT, DAMN YOU!!”

GOT IT, you worthless, greenhouse-gas emitting, polar-bear killing, carbon-based balls of sentient smut? Come up with something to save dear Mother Earth from gross human infestation right this second, you lazy, good-for-nothin’ freeloaders!

“The humans?” HAHAHAHA, “The planet does not need humans!”

“Nothing is more important” than saving animals: “The Lions, Tigers, Giraffes, Elephants, Froggies, Turtles, Apes, Raccoons, Beetles, Ants, Sharks, Bears, and, of course, the Squirrels.”

Excuse me, but I think you forgot Cows, Piggies, Goats, Mosquitoes, Hedgehogs, Whales, Roaches, Rabbits, Horsies, Zebras, and Doggies!

Oh, and also according to his MySpace page, when not harassing cable TV channels focusing on popular science, technology, and history to save Kermit the “Froggy,” Lee “listens to 70′s and some 80′s music. I also like a lot of Spanish music,” he adds.

Naturally, while this man was sticking his weapons (and possibly explosives) in innocent hostages’ faces, the lamestream media did what anyone in their right mind would do when some psycho criminal and/or terrorist storms a Cable TV headquarters to threaten employees at gun point: argue about whether this armed madman is really A DERANGED ANCHOR-BABY WINGNUT CONSERVATIVE or AN EVIL AL GORE ENVIRONMENTALIST LIBERAL??

According to the elitist arugula-eating Left:

Lee’s immigration screed bears a troubling resemblance to views and policies espoused by anti-immigrant groups such as NumbersUSA, the Center for Immigration Studies (CIS), the Federation for American Immigration Reform (FAIR), and others…

It’s not a coincidence that many of these are amongst the same groups that have always supported changing the 14th amendment to deny “anchor babies,” or the American-born children of undocumented immigrants, citizenship — long before the debate entered the political mainstream this summer.

Whoa, whoa, not so fast says the gun lovin’, gay hatin’, Jeebus worshipers on the Right:

Lee said he experienced an “awakening” when he watched former Vice President Al Gore’s environmental documentary “An Inconvenient Truth.”

Apparently, the man is named James Lee, an environmental activist and longtime antagonist of the Discovery Channel over their lack “of real shows that actually work to save the planet.”

So, who’s really to blame for all this tragic-if-it-weren’t-so-comical absurdity?

The Squirrels, of course!

In collusion with dirty anchor babies and probably that filthy Al Gore too!

OMG, presidential teevee star and A-list celeb B. Hussein Obama is back on the boob tube and in America’s hearts and homes, making just the second Oval Office address of his presidency (which is one more than his appearances on The View!) to talk about some Very Important Subject (other than his sketchy origins), like the last time Barry was forced to talk to the dumb public when some British oil company decided it would be hilarious to replace America’s coastal waters with delicious petroleum instead.

But what glorious news will El Commander-in-Chief bring the nation this time??

Oh goody, America! Turns out, the War in Iraq, which apparently had still been going on all summer decade, is now over, with President Obama announcing its official end, and only seven years after Bush declared “Mission Accomplished!”

Hooray!

But what does everyone think about Barry’s awesome end-of-combat troops-in-Iraq announcement? He even mentioned George W. Bush’s name twice. But, did he did praise George W. Bush enough for heroically starting the most awesome war ever??

Hell no! According to professional Arctic fraud Sarah Palin, who surely doesn’t think so, and took to her favoritest Twitter to let the whole world know the entire 140-character truth about bloody wars-for-oil in faraway desert lands, without all the lamestream media bias, like facts and truth.

OMG, like so true! All of America is ready to bust out their copy of Burmese Days and A Clergyman’s Daughter to learn more about the Iraq surge. Or, wait, perhaps she means his 1933 work Down and Out in Paris and London? Or was it 1938′s Homage to Catalonia? Unlike SarBear, we’re simply not sure which Orwell novel has the secret Barack Obama rewritten history decipher code!

Or maybe Sarah is just under the impression that George Orwell did not in fact write fiction, but actual history textbooks, and thus evil NObama is trying to rewrite this history?

Like that terrifying time just a few decades ago when scary, supposedly native-born, civilized farm animals established a hideous communist state right across the pond, in England of all places! Or could it be Barack Obama will attempt to steal credit for the brilliant surge from unsung hero George W. Bush, using his meager position as a minor civil servant in the Ministry of Truth to revise historical records in order to perpetuate official government propaganda, a la 1984? Hmmm, probably that one. Sounds just like something that lame Socialist civil servant NObama would totally do…

But if Obama is just a measly civil servant, then who is the actual, real life President?? Oooh, please, please let it be Sarah Palin so she can finally give credit where credit is due, and give George W. Bush the presidential medal of freedom for saving humanity with his surge in Iraq!

I mean who knows where we’d be if God never spoke to W and told him the future of the free world rests on the preemptive, unilateral invasion of a poor, sovereign nation in the middle of the desert, in order to depose a dictator who had nothing to do with 9/11, and shock and awe that country into awesome civil war, for like freedom ‘n stuff? I, for one, can hardly bear to think about a world without pointless, never-ending wars costing trillions of dollars. **Shudder!**

Good thing we don’t have to, thanks to the GREATEST PRESIDENT IN HISTORY, George W. Bush!

Anyway, back to boring, buzzkillin’ Barry, who unlike his predecessor, doesn’t even think sending thousands of teenage Americans to certain death in parched desert wastelands is a very wise idea. Ha ha loser!

Oh look, here he goes again about how spending ungodly sums of money (we didn’t have) to launch a useless, pathetic Middle East misadventure doesn’t exactly put us in prime position to recover from a recession, but despite this, Barack Obama will try his very hardest to ensure you don’t get fired from the terrible job you hate, or at least when you do, there will maybe be another god-awful job you can’t stand, so you at least have an actual house, not homeless shelter to come back to after your grueling 40-hour work week.

Let’s see what else? Oh yeah, the troops. Aren’t they just the absolute, gosh darned best?? YES, the answer is, YES they are, got it? This cannot be emphasized enough.

And despite Iraq being a horrible miscalculation founded not upon actual evidence or facts, but some demented wet dream Dick Cheney had, America must never forget the 4,403 American soldiers who died in the war, their families, or the families of countless (uncounted) dead Iraqis. It’s not their fault the whole damn thing was a huge, wasteful embarrassment, representative of an even more disgraceful decade when America was led by a Born Again Cowboy who barely survived a freak encounter with a pretzel, let alone armed insurgents in Fallujah.

Oh, and same goes for the 50,000 U.S. troops still stuck in that sweltering hellhole trying to bring education, jobs, stable government, a functioning economy, and basically all the things we now don’t have here, 6,942 miles away, over there, in Iraq.

So instead of just grunting thank you before tossing our maimed and traumatized veterans out on the street in the hopes that Jesus and/or the all-powerful hand of the “free market” will restore their limbs and sanity, and take care of their exorbitant health costs, President/Civil Servant Barack Obama will once again open up the ol’ Government coffers to help fund a new G.I. bill, so our troops can maybe get wasted for 4 years, like every other college student in America, once they finished sacrificing life & limb for the freedom of Iraqi citizens to buy cheap American DVDs and I ♥ NY t-shirts.

Or in the words of Obama, “we will do whatever it takes to serve our veterans as well as they have served us. Because part of ending a war responsibly is standing by those who have fought it.”

And also maybe next time, not sending our soldiers to senselessly die for reasons unknown, except maybe oil or as misguided revenge against some crazy dictator for being super meany to a certain someone’s daddy who just so happened to also be a President with the first name George and last name Bush.

But why think about bummers like that when there are so many other important things to talk about? Ugh, details can be sooooooooo boring! Especially nationally televised, dull Oval Office speeches chock full o’ them, coming from Socialist farm animals and pathetic low-level civil servants like Barack Obama.

Unlike the brilliant, thrilling tweets of world-famous literary scholar, Orwellian expert, and America’s true leader, Sarah Barricuda Louise Mama Grizzly Palin, President 4 Life! Or, at least, until the next six figure tell-all book deal comes along and she is forced to patriotically fight for freedom the old-fashioned way: by unceremoniously, abruptly quitting…

Twitter account and all!

If you thought being a black man in America was hard, try being a black president in America and let me know how that feels. You can’t even begin to imagine the kind of nonsense the dude has to go through every single f-ing day, and that’s not even including Orange Boehners in Congress, BP spillin’ baby spillin’ oil every which way, Bush’s final “F You” to America (in the form of no jobs and no money), a war on terror in Afghanistan, a war on brown colored Mexican-y looking people in Arizona, a war on gross Muslims near Ground Zero and everywhere else within a million square miles, and all the bajillion other terrible things threatening to destroy our country now. (Fox News? A Republican majority?)

Just look at what the citizens of the bestest, most amazingest, God & freedom-lovingest nation ever to grace the face of the Earth think about that weird, dark man with the funny name now.

Eighteen percent of Americans think Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim. Twenty-seven percent believe he “probably” or “definitely” wasn’t born in the good ol’ US of A, but somewhere far, far away like Kendonesia or something, and still Obama doesn’t feel the slightest bit compelled to prove he is in fact a dumb, white Christian born in the middle of an Iowan cornfield like the rest of the Birther nation, who are not at all racist, just naturally suspicious of this black Hussein fellow claiming to be president.

While in New Orleans to commemorate something about Bush hating black people so much he drowned an entire city, President Barack Hussein Obama had the pleasure of sitting down with mainstream media extraordinaire Brian Williams to discuss what is really important (certainly not some dumb French city!) like whether it’s true what everyone’s saying, how he is really a secret Muslim terrorist Kenyan, etc?

Obama took a deep breath to gather his thoughts when asked if the poll reflected his inability to communicate with voters, “The facts are the facts. We went through some of this during the campaign — there is a mechanism, a network of misinformation that in a new media era can get churned out there constantly,” said a visibly annoyed Obama, referring to “birthers,” who have waged a guerrilla campaign questioning either the existence or the validity of his Hawaiian birth certificate.

“I will always put my money on the American people, and I’m not going to be worried too much about what rumors are floating around there.”

But what about the poll numbers, Barry! Brian wants to know why so many people don’t know what he really is, like does he go to an actual Jesus Church? Or is he really a radical Muslim or Socialist Pagan Demoncrat like the polls say? And doesn’t that make El Presidente nervous?

“I can’t spend all of my time with my birth certificate plastered on my forehead.”

And why may I ask is that? Because it doesn’t exist?? Hmmm, is that it, Barry Soetero? Were you even born at all, or hatched from some primordial egg down in your real birth place in the SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL?

What other, terrible un-American, meany things did alleged president “Barack Hussein Obama” have to say during this sweet, sit down chit-chat with actual elitist, arugula-eating news person Brian Williams?

What?? He didn’t watch Fox News superstar and maybe-going-blind gold-coin salesman Glenn Lee Beck’s “Restoring Honor” rally to reclaim Martin Luther King’s dream for freedom and a re-segregated America?

Haha, L-O-S-E-R!

What, were you too busy frolicking on Martha’s Vineyard and “being focused on the long term, not on the Nightly News” to watch American legends Glenn Beck & Sarah Palin take back America with their loyal militia of obese people motorin’ around on medicare scooters and mutterin’ bout taxes, immigrants, and how the big bad gubmint’s comin’ for their guns?

“It’s not surprising that someone like a Mr. Beck is able to stir up a certain portion of [the American people]…That’s been true throughout our history.”

No duh! Why else would they be dressed in colonial costumes, waving Teabags around if they weren’t fighting for the freedom to ignore the Constitution, if it means dirty A-rabs are allowed to build houses of worship (aka mosques, gasp!) in this country too?

No terror temples in their backyards, just mega churches and good, old fashioned American traditions like Koran burning bonfires and hate rallies!

Too bad Obama won’t just mindlessly discriminate against Muslims and abandon the Constitution whenever dumb white mobs would like him to! He even thinks the ‘slims should be able to build a dreaded mosque and community center near the sacred ground of an abandoned, old Burlington Coat Factory, and he’s not even wilting in the face of criticism!

“I didn’t walk it back it all,” he said. “I was very specific with my team…The core value and principle that every American is treated the same doesn’t change. … At [a White House Ramadan celebration], I had Muslim Americans who had been in uniform fighting in Iraq. … How can you say to them that their religious faith is less worthy of respect? … That’s something that I feel very strongly about.”

You are only allowed to tell gross gay and lesbians they are less worthy of respect and unfit for military service, which is reserved for respectable people like convicted felons, drug pushers, and sex offenders only.

He added, “I respect the feelings on the other side.”

Ugh, of course you do, Mr. let’s all join hands and sing Kumbaya while swaying gently in the breeze. So by all means, feel free to hate haters! And if you want an effigy of his likeness, I’m sure the White House would be more than happy to provide it!

But if it’s not it his suspicious Africany origins, his penchant for protecting stupid First Amendments like the freedom to be a terrible, terrorist Muslim, his ability to handle Gulf disasters without thousands of casualties and the submerging of an entire city (just some dead wildlife and a destroyed ecosystem nbd), or his uncanny tendency to stay cool, calm, and collected in the face of widespread idiocy, Sarah Palin’s tweets, and reliving Dr. King’s dream of equality with white supremacy rallies led by a fat white clown with delusions of divinity, just what, oh what, has the Grand Old Patriots all hot ‘n bothered about this swarthy man who may or may not be Hitler, the Antichrist, and a Komodo Dragon with good oratory skills all rolled into one?

Oh, so that explains it!

Congratulations America! All your hard work, tireless efforts, and Cindy McCain’s beer money have finally paid off because John McCain, THE John McCain, has officially defeated certified nutjob and
world-famous infomercial star J.D. Hayworth to win Arizona’s Senate seat and return once again to Washington, DC to give the nation another six years (at least!) of good times and cheer watching a confused old man wander aimlessly, muttering to himself, through the hallowed halls of the U.S. Congress. Which sure beats doing the same thing in the hot, scary, Mexican-filled desert of his native land, Arizona!

So now that John McCain will officially never be voted out of office, because, much like their favorite ancient Senator and living fossil Gramps McCain, Arizona Republicans are also too old, confused, and ignorant to know what’s going on, ever, the whole nation (‘cept the Mexis!) can breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Three cheers for the pretend maverick! WOOHOO! Score one for America!

And to think, all he had to give up was the last, remaining specks of his integrity and legacy (Prisoner-of-War-turned-Prisoner-of Wingnuts?), while his long-suffering wife Cindy had to drop a cool $20 million just to finally get the old man back to DC, so she can go back to diddling the hunky pool boy like the good ol’ pill-addled days.

So now that John McCain is back where he should be (and out of the wifey’s way), let’s take a moment to reflect upon the countless morals lost and trust funds tapped on the long, strange desert odyssey to defeat a teetotalin’ lunatic on horseback initialed J.D. Hayworth and continue putting Country First by stowing his integrity in the ice box, along with SarBear, Cindy’s petty cash, and his sanity.

Of course, with sweet Cindy’s Budweiser-bought victory for Johnny, the only clear losers in the election were the people of Arizona, who had to endure a relentless barrage of sleazy ads from both sides, and as a result didn’t really care who won, so long as the audio/visual assaults stopped. I mean, even a thousand screeching Cindy’s, or salsa dancing Mexicans, would be a welcome respite from the god-awful ads these two cooked up!

Turnout at the polls was light for much of today for Arizona’s primary election, which will set the field for November races ranging from U.S. Senate to local constable.

As they turned out to cast ballots, many voters said they were turned off by relentless and negative campaign advertising, saying the mudslinging distracted the public from important issues like the economy and illegal immigration.

Totes! Ha ha, I mean like why isn’t anyone talking about illegal immigration in Arizona of all places, lately?? Perhaps they completed the danged fence or maybe Gov. GI Jan Brewer is simply too busy fighting National Socialist threats like her heroic Nazi-hunting father to bother?

But now that America can rest assured knowing its collective grandfather will be around for as long as his frustratingly hearty genes allow him to continue selling his soul for power, the political watchdogs over at Esquire have gone ahead and crunched the numbers to find just how much of John Cindy McCain’s beer fortune the old man blew to defeat an actual cartoon character and win Arizona’s GOP senate primary.

Turns out, it is indeed possible to put a very large and very comical price per vote on what it cost the McCains to eke out an unimpressive victory in the hot, abandoned drug ‘n Mexican-overrun wasteland known as Arizona.

So, with 56 percent of the vote (compared to J.D. Hayworth’s 32 percent), the ol’ maverHACK received approximately 281,347 votes. And considering the $21 million cost of his campaign, some simple elementary math reveals everyone’s favorite septuagenarian paid approximately $74.64 for each one of his unenthusiastic votes — $21 million ÷ 281,347 = $74.64.

Now, it’s no secret McCain has always paid a premium for every winning vote, but to put this desperation in proper perspective, McCain’s 1982 congressional campaign cost $13.54 per vote in inflation-adjusted dollars ($550,000 ÷ 89,116 votes = $13.54), while the 2008 presidential race only cost him $5.03 per lever pull ($293 million ÷ 58.3 million votes = $5.03), but then again Johnny did have the natural advantage of running against an actual colored person, in America, which ya know always helps.

Besides, at this rate the McCain/Budweiser fortune should be totally shot by the next couple o’ Senate races. Then, the grumpy old coot can finally go home, Cindy can again relapse into a Rx haze, and John McCain can return to starring in hilarious commercials wandering the vast Arizona desert searching for (white!) people to pay off in exchange for their vote.

But, if he were really smart, he would stop wasting his Cindy’s money. For the price of just one vote, McCain could have hired like three illegals because you don’t need a green card or English skills to know better than having a demented, old man wander the scary, illegal-filled wilderness of Arizona, alone and unarmed.

But, give the old man some credit. At least someone’s still pumping money into this limp, lifeless economy.

Even if it’s only to keep their own limp, lifeless carcass in the Senate, and out of some posh retirement community in Scottsdale. At Cindy’s insistence, of course.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s paler, pudgier (un)civil rights “brother” Glenn Lee Beck and his army of Teabaggers will be descending on Washington, DC this weekend to commemorate the anniversary of MLK’s famous “I Have a Dream” speech for whatever reason mobs of angry white men choose to honor the nation’s foremost civil rights activists & proponents of racial equality by shouting racist obscenities at the National Mall (comic irony?).

But it turns out Glenn Beck’s dreams of a world dedicated to making a certain golden-haired angel of truth even richer and more famouser by helping push his latest, greatest book assault on the English language upon the unsuspecting masses may have hit the proverbial snooze button.

Because some of Beck’s fellow wingnuts and white power patriots on the right think Glenny over here may simply be throwing this so-called Beckapalooza (“Restoring Honor”) to help not the conservative cause (whatever that may be), but rather his own celebrity status and personal bank account of freedom.

Influential conservative blogger Erick Erickson said Beck won’t be able to answer what Erickson has called lingering questions about “whether he’s doing it for himself or doing it for the movement,” even with a successful event this weekend.

“People are going to want to see what comes out of this weekend long term — is it a flash in the pan or is it something longer term?” said Erickson. “Part of the problem is that he didn’t hold onto the 9-12 stuff and it’s kind of descended into competing factions and chaos. He is going to have to be careful, I think, to make sure that he perpetuates this in some way or it’s going to start becoming a punch line.”

I know, I know, Glenn Beck, a punch line? HA, impossible!! But still, some on the right are all upset because Glenn’s “9.12 Project,” which apparently tried to change the way America punctuates dates post-9/11 by replacing slashes with decimal points (or something like that?), appears to have fallen by the wayside. Guess Glenn did not do a good enough job keeping those Teabaggers red-faced and seething with hatred and bigotry, and as a result, they started to get bored and, consequently less full of hate, and this upsets activists very much.

Meanwhile, at least one tea party group rejected Beck’s entreaties to assist with the march, concluding he was offering little in return for its organizational know-how and credibility, while giving preferential treatment to FreedomWorks, which is paying to sponsor Beck’s radio show. The group’s leader, who requested anonymity to avoid antagonizing Beck, said, “All he’s doing is trying to use us to promote himself.”

And the problem with that is? Jesus Christ had no problem using his disciples to spread the Christian word of God, why should Glenny? Besides, why is Mr. Anonymous so afraid of Beck in the first place? I mean what’s the worst that could happen? Beck drowning him in a cascade of Vicks VapoRub tears?

“I call it ‘Beckaplooza,’ because it seems to be all about Beck,” said Andrew Ian Dodge, the Maine state coordinator for Tea Party Patriots, a coalition of local groups that has helped stage several big rallies, many to protest what they saw as unchecked government expansion under President Barack Obama and the Democratic Congress.

At the request of Beck’s team, which lacked the organizational infrastructure or logistical know-how to pull off Saturday’s march, asked for assistance, Tea Party Patriots agreed to help promote the march among its 500,000 email subscribers and to provide 400 volunteers to staff it, a requirement before the National Park Service would issue a permit.

But when the Patriots were deciding whether to help with Saturday’s rally, Dodge said there was internal queasiness over the M.L.K. link and Beck’s inflammatory rhetoric, including his blasting of Obama as a racist.

“There have been discussions continuously over the last year about whether he is necessarily a force for good or not necessarily,” said Dodge, who is not planning to attend Beck’s rally and expressed concern that it could produce controversy that might haunt the tea party. “Beck takes it outside of the realm of fiscal conservatism into issues that are more emotional and make you wonder if we really want to be associated with this guy.”

Whoa, whoa whoa!! What did you just say? “Make you wonder if we really want to be associated with this guy?” What are you insane or something (yes!)?

I thought the whole problem was that Beck didn’t inflame Teabaggers enough! Now, suddenly calling an Obama a secret Muslim terrorist elitist socialist illegal immigrant thug racist is going “too far?” Is this not America, land of the free, brave, and deranged just cause Blacky NObama’s sittin’ in the once-pure snow White House? Well, I for one say, it doesn’t go far enough!

“We very much appreciate and support Glenn’s general message that he puts forth on a daily basis … He consistently espouses free market views and views that espouse what the founders thought,” said AFP President Tim Phillips. “It’s a good message — and so whatever direction he chooses to take with this day and this march, we support it.”

Thanks heavens someone remembers the true values of Teabagger Patriots (White Power Nationalists)! Getting used by a psychotic, yet shrewd mega-millionaire like Glenn Beck all so he can sell his awful books and make even more oodles of delicious Ben-Franklin flavored fruit from the free market money tree growing in his backyard. Because isn’t that the whole point of being a Teabagger? Hating terrible, unAmerican taxes on the rich because you want rich people to have more money?

Surely, it is written in the Constitution, right there next to the part about how gross poor people should never, ever be allowed to get adequate, affordable health care, but be forced to die in the streets instead, while real patriots like Glenn Beck and Co. laugh and throw crumpled dollar bills at their limp, lifeless bodies.

Just like Dr. King always dreamed it would be.

Much like Gramps McCain and the rest of the old, creepy Republicans desperately trying to recapture their-once youthful glow by mastering the art, no make that the science, of popular tween social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook before him, a new, even creepier Asian kid has decided to join the rest of the cool kids pokin’ peeps and tweetin’ updates over on the ol’ 140-character block.

Sure, the nation’ citizens may be starving to death, their economy in shambles, and the entire population a bunch of demented midgets hellbent on world domination (and hopefully, Armageddon), but the real news is that North Korea, and its adorable li’l muffin of a leader Kim Jong Il, has left the dark ages (sort of) and joined the rest of 21st century society by creating their very own official state-run Twitter and Facebook page. Hooray!

Get excited, world! A few weeks after the beautiful blossoming of North Korea’s Twitter account and YouTube channel, the notorious nation of scary loners has apparently launched it’s own awesome Facebook page to presumably do all the things crazy kids do these days, like stalk their exes (South Korea) and chat with the rest of the world’s rogue leaders posting hilarious pictures and status messages from various undisclosed, highly secure locations worldwide like remote mountain caves.

The AP reports that the Facebook account, which opened late Thursday under the Korean username “Uriminzokkiri” meaning “on our own as a nation,” calls itself a ” page representing the intentions of North and South Koreas and compatriots abroad, who wish for peace, prosperity, and unification of our homeland.”

Its profile picture is of the Three Charters for National Reunification Memorial Tower, a 100-foot (30-meter) monument in Pyongyang that “reflects the strong will of the 70 million Korean people to achieve the reunification of the country with their concerted effort.”

The account had 65 friends as of Friday. Oh, and the Facebook page, which describes itself as “male, says it is interested in men and is looking for networking.”

Oh, hahahahaha! Ya crazy North Korea!

Hmmm, let me see if I’ve got this straight…Notoriously anti-social Hermit Kingdom, the one with a crazy dwarf dictator who wants to take over the world (or just watch lots of American DVDs while sippin’ Hennessy), owner of the world’s fourth-largest army, including nuclear weapons, population 23 million—has just 65 friends, is gay, and interested in social networking??

And much of the activity on North Korea’s wall happens to include Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez’ two-sense, the obligatory “North Korea is best Korea” posts, and of course your random American ranting about how “Kim Jong Dickhead can suck some Red, White, and Blue ass.”

Frankly, this looks more like the profile page of a never-been-laid 18-year-old Dungeons & Dragons master still living in his parent’s basement, rather than a nuclear-armed deranged totalitarian state with a powerful, decades-old grudge against the rest of the free, normal-sized world.

Oh wait, turns out it North Korea’s fabulous quest for some hot man-on-man love and/or Kim Jong II “liking” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s “Death to the West” status update may not be real after all. Bummerrrrrr!

According to the regime, the hot sexy profiles of Dear Pint-Sized Leader are nothing more than the plots and schemes of some capitalist pigs living in Japan and China, not North Korea, because such salacious social media sites are still banned, plus there is no such thing as gross gays there. Duh.

“We think that there is plenty of misinformation, speculation and sensationalism regarding the reality of North Korea,” North Korea spokesman Cao de Benos tells Forbes. “This is the hypocrisy of a society that calls itself ‘democratic’ but is in reality fearful of the ideological power and influence from our side.”

Hmmm like Dear Leaders Gone Wildly Homo?

But, don’t be fooled, “Such websites will never be run by our Government directly,” the spokesman said.

I mean there are already 23 million starving slaves willing to pledge their life-long allegiance to Dear Leader a thousand times a day, and they don’t even require compensation, monetary, hot man-tail, or otherwise.

But on the bright side, at least we can rest assured knowing World War III won’t start all because some douchebag prankster decides to “tag” North Korea in a White House photo.

Instead, it will likely happen when the producers of “K-Town” reject Kim Jong Il’s application video. Apparently, the li’l dude’s got a thing for The SituASIAN and oddly colored dark-haired midgets whose bright orange glow may or may not be radioactive.

But at least North Korea can stop trying to make South Korea jealous by making out with Taiwan every weekend. They would try hitting up that Snooki girl, but not sure how her boyfriend John McCain would feel about it. And if there’s one thing Koreans are taught, it’s to always respect the elderly!