where I _used_ to do excessive process commentary

the playlist 2022 deserves

2022-03-05T19:51:25Z

(yes, this is a YouTube playlist I just made and named "what 2022 deserves" that so far contains just the "Welshy Remix" of Black and Tans and the Gregorian Chant Nightcore Hardcore Dubstep Remix of Cotton Eyed Joe)

(I'll probably listen to it on repeat)

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLW8qCPHf-7FdscWYg_v2QFXM9nn-uAVyr

dmnsqrl @ 2020-12-26T12:27:00

2020-12-26T20:27:23Z

Dialectics is basically political talk for system dynamics and feedback loops

Today's "crimes against language"

2020-11-19T04:03:59Z

(Committed by me, to be clear)

Theydyfriend

Gentlethem Caller

Gentlefemme Caller

dmnsqrl @ 2020-11-03T06:58:00

2020-11-03T14:58:09Z

I will now be periodically scanning the nerdosphere for conventions with a panel titled "The Immortal Tatsu, Power Bottom Exemplar?"

dmnsqrl @ 2020-11-01T07:40:00

2020-11-01T15:40:50Z

Does there exist a specific phrase for

"If it's a thing you can't do for yourself and is something you enjoy

And I adore you

And making it possible for the thing to happen for you doesn't cause me significant discomfort

Then making it possible for the thing to happen for you makes me really really happy

Even if it's not a thing I would bother doing independent of how it makes you feel" ???

It frustrates me that there are important things like that we don't have specific language for

A specific alienation I have struggled with for years is that there are so many parts of life where the shit that causes me significant discomfort is atypical..... the shit that doesn't cause me significant discomfort is atypical

And people get so..... weird.... about someone trying to make conscious, explicit choices in the hope.... of.... having people in their life they can do that thing above for.... having people in their life that do that thing above for them

The "polite" thing is apparently to keep stumbling around and finding oneself in a position to say

"but actually that causes me significant discomfort so no, I can't help you with that, I'm sorry if you had made plans assuming I could" or

"yes, it would be convenient if I adored you but apparently I don't and I'm sorry if you had made plans assuming I did"

or never ever having the opening to say "ok maybe that caused everyone else you have ever known significant discomfort... but it wouldn't cause me significant discomfort... in case that knowledge would impact your planning"

I don't have a "biological clock" in the sense of needing to procreate... to achieve some "legacy"

But I do sometimes feel hit by this overwhelming fear that somewhere are people I don't know how to encounter... people I could adore and who would adore me.... who have things they need help with that I am willing and able to do... who are willing and able to do things that I need help with

And that I and those people are "wasting time" stumbling around in what feels like the cold and dark

When we could be.... together...... experiencing that thing above for each other

I think one of the things I most valued out of having watched The Good Place is the idea that if Heaven exists, maybe it's a place where the people you couldn't encounter in this utterly chaotic, stifling, starved existence finally can find each other....

and maybe there is just..... time to explore all the possible permutations of taking care of each other for years and decades.... to fully explore their Stories and Discoveries... to have your Stories and Discoveries fully received

I just.... **sigh**

dmnsqrl @ 2020-10-30T05:43:00

2020-10-30T12:43:38Z

For a long time I was drowning in medium of values with which I did not resonate, a medium that insisted those values were all that existed to be valued

I believed that I lacked the ability to know what I valued, to know "moral" from "immoral"

Whenever I came across something which contained values with which I resonated at all... came across someone proclaiming values with which I in any way resonated... I would cling to that thing, that person

And if the values with which I resonated were only a small portion of what I was clinging to..... well.... it was still more than I had known before

If I experienced discomfort in trying to fit my actions, myself, to the whole of what I had passionately embraced.... I was certain the lack was due to an insufficiency of passion and devotion on my part

The greatest torment for me is to love institutions/beings which/who demand that it is possible for me to resonate with something I do not and which/who insist that my worth is based on the extent to which I succeed in that impossible-for-me resonance

That has always been the eventual poison hidden within the treat

I have learned that there are values with which I resonate

And that when I am pressured to act against what I value that I resist, evade, refuse

I have learned that I am NOT doomed to wait for the right prophet to find me so that I can prove myself worthy of the truths they are able to reveal

I have learned that I can declare and listen and assess and discuss

dmnsqrl @ 2020-10-28T04:22:00

2020-10-28T11:22:32Z

*sigh*

Like

https://youtu.be/tm85vW006sA

But also

https://assets19.sigaccess.org/docs/Williams_PositionPaper.docx

Learning to Say No: When FATE is too Late

by Rua M. Williams (University of Florida)

Abstract: Among growing concerns about the disproportionate dangers AI advances pose to marginalized groups, proposals for a procedural solution to ethics in AI abound. As each framework for enforcing ethics has its exploits exposed, a new cog is added to the orrery. Perhaps it is time to consider that some systems may be inherently violent, even if they are fair. We are not going to program our way into justice. We have to learn to say no to building violent things

The struggle is real dot com

dmnsqrl @ 2020-10-27T10:40:00

2020-10-27T17:41:00Z

"Fun" ADHD paradox

One may be more likely to experience hunger when one is insufficiently medicated

But one is more likely to be able to muster the executive functioning required for tasks involved in corraling nutrients and inserting nutrients into one's digestive system when medicated

dmnsqrl @ 2020-10-23T05:14:00

2020-10-23T12:14:11Z

Another "humanity" catch-22

"Et cetera" "miscellaneous" are in various ways proudly pointed to as "that's what makes us HUMAN"

But

"Et cetera" "miscellaneous" are expected to be bounded in unspoken, implicit ways.

If you don't automatically stay within those implicit boundaries.... if you defiantly demand that those boundaries be explicitly acknowledged, declared, examined - your humanity comes under suspicion

dmnsqrl @ 2020-10-23T04:33:00

2020-10-23T11:33:32Z

I'm feeling really resentful right now

of the excessive popularity

of narratives that show someone under pressure and upset

and imply that this dooms them to harm others,

dooms them to harm people who don't deserve harm,

dooms them to harm large numbers of people.

The "and then they became a monster" narratives.

I resent that in the middle of struggling to survive

I am fearing "becoming" something that deserves eradication

(especially given the existence of systems that already judge me as harmful and deserving to be eradicated simply for existing)

I resent the impression that every defensive motion and sound of protest

"proves" me dangerous

"proves" me deserving of harm done to me

in the past

in the present

in moments yet to come

I don't want to be "a monster"

But I want to survive

dmnsqrl @ 2020-10-16T04:24:00

2020-10-16T11:24:25Z

Oooooooooh a putting-into-words

I think a key aspect of attraction for me has ALWAYS involved awareness that the other person experiences some significant alienation from mainstream masculinity/femininity that they feel they "should" identify with (in some cases both if they feel there are reasons they should identify with each)

The thing that developed in the last 5ish years was a realization that it is really dangerous for me to invest intimate trust in people who experience significant alienation from mainstream masculinity/femininity BUT value been seen as successfully assimilating with mainstream masculinity or mainstream femininity enough to habitually, routinely even devotedly sacrifice their needs and/or mine in order to protect that appearance of successful assimilation

I have, in fact, drawn a line that I am ABSOLUTELY UNWILLING TO HAVE ANY EMOTIONALLY INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP with someone who believes that it is just for a person to routinely sacrifice their needs in order to be seen as successfully assimilating with mainstream masculinity or femininity (this ABSOLUTELY includes anyone who believes it is just for a person to routinely deny their needs so that the assimilation with mainstream masculinity/femininity of another person in a visible relationship with them is seen to be successful)

For related reasons I have drawn a similar line that I am absolutely unwilling to have any emotionally intimate relationship with someone who believes it is just for a person to routinely sacrifice their needs in order to be seen as successfully assimilating with neuronormative expectations

dmnsqrl @ 2020-10-16T03:31:00

2020-10-16T10:31:54Z

Ok

I'm bi for librarycore dandys vs (I don't know if I will end up with a more pithy term but for now calling it "fierce yet adorkable femmes" )

dmnsqrl @ 2020-10-14T05:44:00

2020-10-14T12:44:25Z

*sigh*

I really really hate that authoritarian forces exploit my communitarian instincts by using the sexiness of big data FOR EVIL

But

I am (hosting, enabling? facilitating?) the tracking, 'crowd source bus ride info' functionality of the Transit app on my Android supplementary brain prosthetic for now in return for occasional droplets of community service-related happiness brain chemicals

dmnsqrl @ 2020-10-11T09:32:00

2020-10-11T16:32:19Z

Lol

So apparently it is possible to accidentally set up an alibris account with one email address and an alibris search notification tied to a different email address for which one does not actually have an alibris account set up

such that once a particular work shows up in alibris and you do with that information what you had planned to... you keep for a while getting notifications you can't figure out how to turn back off

Lol

Am definitely happy to see though that notifications DO work

(And this is a way to know when something initially only available on Amazon starts becoming available anywhere else)

(Amazon and I do not currently have a transactional relationship)

dmnsqrl @ 2020-10-10T08:40:00

2020-10-10T15:40:18Z

I think I really just want a queerplatonic reverse harem of Librarycore Dandys to fuss over and "may I offer you a meme in this trying time?"

It's not like I ever understood the whole "dating" thing anyways

dmnsqrl @ 2020-10-10T08:28:00

2020-10-10T15:28:59Z

I wonder how many people with "pathological demand avoidance" also have fawning trauma response

And if for those people that's actually connected

Because if you find yourself to have been kind of traumatically programmed to automatically go along with demands

Is it really so surprising to really resent that?

To especially resent cloaked demands, demands artificially wrapped in flattery or concern or insistence that it's what you really want to do?

I've been finding myself thinking about that this week

dmnsqrl @ 2020-10-09T12:07:00

2020-10-09T19:07:53Z

It really is soothing for me to engage in collaborative language discussion and assessment that allows for the development of a phrase like "I am a nannacore cryptid who cherishes librarycore dandys"

dmnsqrl @ 2020-10-09T09:10:00

2020-10-09T16:10:05Z

dmnsqrl @ 2020-10-08T06:16:00

2020-10-08T13:16:40Z

How anyone can be aware of the situation Claudia Conway is in,

the efforts she has gone to in seeking emancipation from her parents

the evidence she has shown the entire world of dangerous circumstances her parents subject her to

the fact that at this point SHE IS STILL IN THEIR CUSTODY

and not view every interaction between children and their caretakers with some level of concern and skepticism

is entirely outside my emotional praxis and imagination

(Meanwhile she continues to fight and report. I remain aware of the danger inherent in our societal instinct to put people on pedestals. But. I do cheer her persistence and ongoing defiance)

dmnsqrl @ 2020-10-08T05:57:00

2020-10-08T12:57:50Z

I wish as a society that we practiced more compassion and less instinctive and automatic pathologizing and stigmatizing of the lack of grace, the awkwardness typical when multiply marginalized, traumatized individuals are seeking the most basic access to security and comfort

I remain bitterly frustrated regarding the operation of privilege/marginalization dynamics which systemically/inherently encourage the privileged to and reward the privileged for perceiving lack of grace, awkwardness as harm and making choices in accord with that perception

Meanwhile

Those same dynamics require multiply marginalized, traumatized individuals to persist within harmful circumstances and furthermore be constantly gaslit that actual harm is innocuous and innocent awkwardness

dmnsqrl @ 2020-10-03T07:46:00

2020-10-03T14:46:34Z

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJf1JKtt/

You may not believe in biology.... but biology believes in you ;)

2020-10-03T14:30:44Z

https://www.teeturtle.com/products/biology-is-life?variant=8924240511030

I really just want to run off for adventures with an androgynous Indiana Jones

2020-10-02T11:09:37Z

dmnsqrl @ 2020-10-01T11:05:00

2020-10-01T18:05:58Z

Some people draw concerned looks when they wander through the candle aisle of a store, sniffing various candles to assess their own personal sensory reaction to each

But I promise you

that people who wander through various social media sniffing brains the way the above referenced folks sniff scented candles draws much more intensely concerned reactions

*sigh*

(Especially when it comes to the part involving filling one's cart and heading towards the registers....)

dmnsqrl @ 2020-09-27T12:15:00

2020-09-27T19:15:12Z

I don't regret changing my gender marker on my state identification and birth certificate

I don’t think that government identification paperwork should continue to require gender information and I completely understand people not choosing to risk outing themselves through making changes

But I am still glad **I** did

Because.... opposition and defiance are too large a part of my being

I will shout "Yes, fucking come destroy me because you see my existence as an abomination"

I'd rather be a dead abomination than agree with blasphemies that oversimplify Creation