Denise's Dish

Black Bean and Egg Burger!

2012-01-19T12:26:00.000-06:00

This is a quick, healthy and protein packed lunch. I use Morning Star black bean burgers, but you can use any kind of veggie burger (Boca is good too)!

Just take some low carb, whole grain bread and toast it. No need to butter it, assholes! That would make this more fattening! Cook your veggie burger and place it on one slice of the bread. I topped the burger off with some avocado, mixed greens (drizzled w/olive oil, white balsamic, sea salt and pepper) and tomato. Then I add the egg on the top (over-easy cooked in "Pam" cooking spray)...and top it with my other slice of bread! This was really good and filled me up! A great lunch for after a good workout! Remember that after a good workout, you should feed your body some protein within 45 minutes of that workout!!

Who's To Blame??

2012-01-17T12:28:00.001-06:00

Check out this You Tube video above. It sickens me. This is the kind of shit our children are exposed to every day. Yes, we can limit their TV time, their computer time and their time on their phones....but most parents don't. Even if you do, it's impossible to know what they are watching at a friends house or at the movie theaters. We can't always put the blame on something or someone else though. We need to take responsibility for how these kids are being raised too!

This video is focusing on girls, but I think it sends a message to parents of boys as well. I know I have 3 boys, and I am raising them to respect woman. I tell them that woman are not put on earth for their needs. I teach them that woman and men are equal, but we are just wired differently. I tell them to treat woman the same way as they would like a man to treat their mother! I've also taught them that personality goes a long way! A girl who may not be as attractive as another, may have a fantastic personality....therefore making her more attractive than a gorgeous girl who's a bitch on wheels.

My daughter is being brought up a certain way too. Though I am a health and fitness fanatic, I have not pushed this on my daughter in a negative way. I never make weight an issue with her. I speak about health and fitness as a thing to do to take care of the INSIDE of your body....your heart, your arteries...etc. If I see a girl that is too skinny (and my daughter is with me), I'll even make a comment like: "that girl needs a cheeseburger!" I've always made it a point to let her know that she looks great just the way she is. There is no need to have a bulimic or anorexic teen girl on my hands. This has gone on in my own family growing up and it's a horrible thing.

The word "appropriate" is used a lot in this house. My kids know what is appropriate to wear to dinner, to school, to the gym, on an airplane and to church. Yeah, church. Remember years ago how people used to dress up for church? Now, I see teen girls with hip-hugger sweats on that say "Juicy" across the ass...IN CHURCH! Do you think the 85 year old woman in the pew behind her knows that "Juicy" is a brand? Hell no! She just thinks the girl's a whore! That is NOT appropriate! But I wonder, what was her mother thinking when she saw her walk out of the house? Doesn't she care? Doesn't she think that's inappropriate dress to go to church in?? I'd never allow my daughter to wear that shit to church and she knows better..BECAUSE I'VE RAISED HER LIKE THAT! Duh!

Airplanes too! That's another one! Remember how dressed up people used to get when they'd fly? Now people are dressed like complete slobs! It's shameful. When we go on vacation, I make sure my kids wear a decent outfit when they fly. I don't give a fuck how uncomfortable they are. I paid good money for those tickets and they aren't going to represent my family as the Beverly Fuckin Hillbilly's! Take the sweats off, assholes! It's not happening here!

Moms, open your eyes!!! What kind of message do you want your daughters sending? Why do some moms want their daughters to grow up so fast??? Why is looking "hot" the most important thing in your house?? (Ahhh...did you notice your daughters skirt is too short??....so short we can see the flaps of her vagina and the bottom of her ass! ) I know too many moms like this. They want their daughters to be skinny, look hot, have the latest designer shit and look sexy! WTF??? I want my daughter to look natural, be presentable,respectful, study and get good grades! Looking sexy isn't going to get you far in life. It's only going to get you STD's, a loose beaver and a bad reputation. When your daughter is at the office trying to control her herpes some day....my daughter will be the doctor treating her! Assholes.

Don't get me wrong, my kids are far from perfect. I am confident though, that I am sending them the right kind of messages. With all the shit our kids are exposed to now, it's only up to US to teach them right from wrong. If you don't preach this to your children while their growing up, they'll only have you to blame someday. Yeah, they'll be blaming you because they are a fuck up....just like our society puts the blame on everything else, like the media. We need to start taking responsibility for these children that we have given birth to. Being a parent should not be an easy job. And if you think it is, then you are an asshole.

Trojan Man?

2012-01-05T12:57:00.001-06:00

It's bad enough that most PG-13 movies should be rated R (my opinion of course), but now we have to see this kind of shit on regular TV?? The other night, we were watching JackAss. You know the show, where Steevo and Johnny Knoxville do all sorts of stupid stunts and pranks? At EVERY commercial break, we had the pleasure of seeing the Trojan Ecstasy commercial.....and our 12 year old boy and 14 year old girl were sitting with us.

If you haven't seen this commercial, look it up on YouTube. It's like a futuristic test lab where they are trying out the new Trojan Ecstasy condom. It looks and feels real, they claim! They even show a graphic design of it on a computer screen. So, if your kid doesn't know what a condom is, they do now....because the graphic design resembles a rocket sized dick! Then they go on to show a naked man (his junk is "clouded" out) as a blower blows forceful air toward his cock-n-balls! Of course, he has a pleasureful look on his face. I'm sure that actor's mother is proud every time she sees this fuckin commercial.

Needless to say, my kids aren't dumb. I'm sure they knew something was up when we'd switch over to the hockey game only during THAT commercial. This was about 7:00 in the evening, so most kids are not in bed. Why the hell would these TV stations broadcast this shit? Don't we have enough problems with kids, STD's and unwanted pregnancies? Yeah, this is going to "protect" them from those things. Yeah right, if it stays on. But is that the point we want to make? Why is sex such a recreational activity now? It like having a fuckin after school snack! What happened to teaching our children that you should only do this with someone you marry or someone you love?

The other commercials that I can't stand are the KY Intense ones. What happened to a little fuckin privacy? Isn't this kind of stuff supposed to be sacred between 2 people? Now we have commercials explaining their intense experiences?? I don't give a fuck assholes and I sure don't want my kids being exposed to this shit! There's even a KY Intese commercial with two women! WTF? What's with this country? Don't get me wrong, I don't give a shit if you like a man, a woman or if you enjoy screwing farm animals. Completely your call. I just don't want this shit thrown in my face or my children's. What ever happened to a little curiosity? Let these kids wonder on their own. Let them be shy and embarrassed like we were when we were young. All this information is just allowing our kids to be bold, little assholes, who think it's okay to throw their dicks and beaves around!

You can call me old fashioned. You can call me a prude. I don't really care. All I know, is I teach morals in this house. I tell my boys that if a girl is offering her services, then she's probably a whore. Nice girls take a lot of coaxing. I also told them that whores carry disease, like a fucking rat. I told them it's their choice, but if they fool around with one of these kinds of girls, they will have a nice gift for their "wife to be" someday....."hi, wanna marry me?...don't mind that....it's just a genital wart ON MY DICK!". I tell my daughter that guys only want one thing and she's not allowed to give it. I told her that a nice guy respects a girl and her body and shouldn't ever be pushy. If he is, he's not worth it. My kids are also taught that sex is something you shouldn't do unless you are married. Realistic?...probably not. But making them think twice about me finding out or God watching them in the act, is always a good thing to keep them thinking!

My Family's 2011 Newsletter

2011-12-25T12:32:00.001-06:00

It's that time of year, where the Christmas cards are rolling in. I enjoy getting cards of families and children so I can see how much everyone has grown since the last year. It's always great to get those "holiday newsletters" that tell you what happened through the year with their children......NOT. Do you really think anyone gives a flying fuck how great you and your spouse are? How great your kids are and how they are on honor roll? We don't give a rats ass about your new fucking house, your surprise 40th in Hawaii or how you shit rainbows! I read the first few sentences of these so called "newsletters", roll my fuckin eyes, and don't read any further. Newsflash!!!! - the only person who cares about all the great things that happened to you this year is your mother, asshole! No one else gives a fuck.

So, for all those of you who agree with me, here is a realistic "Holiday Newsletter" that most could relate to.

My Family's Bullshit in 2011

2011. Yeah, it's been grand. I thought I'd be a restaurant owner by this time. No such luck. A longtime dream of Bilbo and I has been to open a bar/restaurant. We finally had our business plan all drawn up and found a great spot in our town. February: After spending a few grand on an architect to "build out" the spot, the landlords decided: "uh....we changed our minds and don't want a restaurant in that spot anymore". So, because these people are from town, we decide to be "nice" and say okay, instead of trying to have them cover the money we spent on the architect. Believe me, they lead us on for months. They knew we had an architect and even took a look at our plans. We could have been dicks about it. To top it all off, they called us a few weeks ago (around December 1st) and asked: "did you guys still want to open a restaurant?...we have a space for you". Bilbo told them to go fuck themselves.

That wasn't the only spot we got fucked on. After that downfall, we found another place in town. It was an existing restaurant, so it was going to be more do-able without having to build out. After that landlord agreed to a lease price, he decided to change his mind too. His exact words were: "yeah, I'm gonna stick to my ground and I know I told you one price, but I want $xxxxx per month instead, so take it or leave it". So, we left it.

That restaurant was going to employ all of us. Instead, I continue to bartend (no more personal training), Bilbo continues to consult people on their investments, the 19 year old works at "Big Lots" (which we like to call Big Cocks), the 17 year old buses tables where I work and the 14 year old keeps scores for basketball games. The 12 year old does nothing yet except drives us nuts. We gotta keep us all employed here because we have a lot of bullshit bills with these kids. Contacts, glasses, braces, Acutane, ADD meds...blah, blah, blah. Basically without us, these assholes would be blind, stupid, zit-faced, buck-toothed mother fuckers.

To add to the aggravation, our refrigerator broke at the beginning of the year. Of course it was in a "custom" spot, so only one particular fridge would fit the space. $10 grand later....FML. Oh, and yesterday (Dec. 24th) my dishwasher broke. Merry Christmas asshole. Yeah, thanks. Oh wait, last week we got a call from one of our tenants on a property we own and their pipes burst. Yeah, that cost money too. Of course these are our tenants that are always 2 months behind in rent. We'd like to say "fuck em" , but we're too nice.

In July, we decided to take a road trip to Disney. To save money, we drove instead of flew and we stayed in a time share property that we traded our other time share for. We also borrowed a luggage rack from a friend to put all our shit in. My friend told me to be sure to put a tarp over our shit before closing the luggage rack, because it's not water proof. Of course, Bilbo never listens to me and he didn't put a tarp on. About 1 hour into the trip, it's pouring like a mother fucker! Needless to say, all our shit was soaked and smelled like the must from and old woman's crotch.

What more could go wrong on this trip? Bilbo backed into a fire escape and shattered the whole back window of our SUV. We had to go to the hardware store and cover the back with plastic and duct tape. We looked like the Beverly Hillbillies. Oh yeah, we also got a flat tire. The inside of the truck looked great too....chocolate and gum stuck to the seats and fucking snots hanging from the ceiling from when one of the assholes sneezed. Did I mention that truck was a lease and due back to the dealership a week after we got back?

Car trouble?....the 19 year old got in an $800 accident when we got home and got a ticket. The 1st day the 17 year old had his licence, he backed into a parked car. Good times. Good times.

School with the kids has been great too! So great I want to whistle Dixie out my asshole! Calls from the Dean and teachers have become a common occurrence. Stupid shit like: your son egged another students house, your son drives and the kids he carpools with are throwing bottles at another kid while they drive past in the school parking lot, your son has missed 2 gym classes and the next one will cause him to fail the class, your son is misbehaving in Spanish class and it really takes a lot for me to call a parent - he's pushed me to my limit....etc....etc.... The key word in all of this is YOUR SON. Unfortunately, it's not one of them....IT'S BEEN ALL 3 OF THEM. Fuckers.

There is so much more I could write, but who the fuck has the time? So to relax a little, we decided to take the kids to Mexico the week before Christmas and that was everyone's Christmas gift. The trip was great for everyone....for me too.....with only a few mishaps: after a few too many golden margaritas, I realized (while playing Frisbee in the pool) that my strapless bathing suit was down to my waist. That's right folks, my fuckin flapjacks were dangling in the wind. Kinda looked like a picture from National Geographic. Who the fuck knows how long my bathing suit was like that. FML. Then that night.....I got the runs. After all that Mexican food, who wouldn't? I woke up at 3am and sat on the toilet for 34 minutes. I timed it. I went back to bed with my underwear off, so I could air out my asshole. I apparently slept so fucking deep, that the next morning I realized, I continued that 34 minutes and shit my bed too.

So, that's our year in a nutshell. Some of you are probably rolling your eyes in disgust to some of the shit I just told you. Well, you are the snobby assholes out there. This kind of shit happens to everyone, but some of you just don't admit it.

Asian Broccoli -Tofu Slaw

2011-11-29T11:40:00.000-06:00

This is easy and healthy. It's also a vegetarian dish. You can find broccoli slaw in the produce department of most grocery stores. It's in a bag.

What you need:

1 bag broccoli slaw
1 container of firm tofu (cubed)
toasted sesame oil
EVOO
black sesame seeds
salt/pepper
sriracha
low sodium soy sauce
juice from 1/2 lime

First, on low heat, toast your sesame seeds for about 2-3 minutes in no oil. Then add the bag of broccoli slaw. Toss. Add a drizzle of sesame oil for flavor and a little more than a drizzle of EVOO (maybe about 1 1/2 tablespoons). Toss and saute over medium heat until slaw looks a slight bit tender. Then add your cubed tofu. Continue to saute about 5 minutes and then add a few dashes of soy sauce. At this point you can also add sriracha (as much as you desire, because this is spicy). Toss and remove from heat. Add the juice from 1/2 lime, salt/pepper to taste and combine.

You can eat this warm or cold.

Workout Tip!

2011-11-29T09:09:00.001-06:00

MOST IMPORTANT.......

Your results will always be 70% diet and 30% exercise choice! So, don't be one of those assholes who thinks if you workout, you can eat "whatever you want". You can, but you won't look your best! The results of what your body looks like is 70% based on what you put in your mouth. That's a fact.

Below is a great article on weights vs. cardio. It's from one of my favorite websites and I thought I'd share:

http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/fat_loss_training_wars.htm

RESTAURANT REVIEW......"SUNDA"

2011-11-28T13:47:00.001-06:00

This review won't be too long, because it's not one of my favorite places. I heard a lot about Sunda. I heard it had great sushi, it was totally cool and trendy. My take on it was: good sushi, expensive, lots of douche bags.

I heard they had a "happy hour" where some menu items are half priced. They call their happy hour "Sunda Social" (Mon-Fri from 5-7). We decided to do the happy hour because we wanted to hit more places that night and just wanted to check the place out. Now, for Sunda Social, you need to be seated in the lounge area (I read that on their website). We walked in and headed for the lounge/bar area. The place is pretty cool. It's trendy looking, exposed brick, comfortable, good music. We sat down and were given the menu. Our server was a pretty girl, but seemed very young. She had to be at least 21 to serve alcohol, but she seemed "young" because she spoke like my 12 year old. She didn't have much wine knowledge and used the word "like" alot. "Like, uh, I guess I like this one. It's like one of the more popular ones, like, ya know?" No, I don't, asshole.

So we ordered a few appetizers from Punkey Brewster: Crunchy Pig Hidden Lobster($19 soy paper, avocado, lobster,jalapeno, sweet chili sauce, bacon, tempura crumbs), Lobster and Wagyu Roll ( $20 lobster, truffle aioli, jalapeno, scallions, wagyu sashimi) and Toast and Jam ($15 crispy shrimp toast and spicy tuna "jam"). We also had 2 glasses of the Lockwood Pinot Nior for $14 each.

While we waited for our apps, we sat and people watched. There were so many tools in this place. Very unfriendly looking people, walkin around like their shit don't stink. It was swimming with people who thought they were "hot". The energy in the place was nothing but "stuffy". I don't know why, because it's not a fine dinning type restaurant. You had your share of trust fund babies, woman in their 40's dressed like skanks, business men with their legs crossed (I hate that), and your typical Jersey Shore crew. Every place seems to have at least one Jersey Shore crew. Who the fuck would want to dress and act like those douche bags? Basically, whenever any of these types of people would get up to go to the restroom, they would walk like a plunger was stuck up their ass. Assholes.

I'm not going to go into detail on the food. It was great! No complaints at all. Though, it didn't knock me off my feet. I had heard sooooo much about this place, I was expecting to really be "wowed". I have had sushi at other restaurants that was just as good.

We decided to ask for our bill and move on to the next place. When the bill came, it was $74. 50 before tax. Fuck me. We questioned Punkey Brewster about this....since it was Sunda Social, we had heard that menu items in the lounge were half priced. She responded with a "oh....you wanted the Sunda Social menu? Those were like the items from the regular menu you had. I didn't know you wanted the Sunda Social menu??". What a dumb shit. I work in a restaurant and the first thing you do when you greet your customers is let them know about the specials. Why the fuck would she not have told us about Sunda Social?...and I didn't feel the need to ask for a special menu because I assumed that sitting in the lounge between 5 and 7 meant you automatically got the Sunda Social menu.

Bottom line, I will not be going back to Sunda. I can get good sushi anywhere else in the city. And any of those other places will have a more comfortable atmosphere, as far as people are concerned. I may also be lucky enough to get a server who is smarter than a 5th grader. Sunda has gotten some pretty good reviews, but not from me. Just not my cup of tea.

http://www.sundachicago.com/

Workout Tip

2011-11-28T11:09:00.001-06:00

Now that Thanksgiving is over and you're feeling like a fat fuck, it's time to get off your ass! No more being lazy, sitting around and shoveling food into your mouth.

Whenever someone is in a rut, I like to suggest they take a group class. If you don't belong to a gym, I guess your fucked, but for those of you who do....you're in for a treat. Group classes are great because you aren't the only asshole in them. It's a group of assholes. People that take group classes usually have at least one thing in common....."they need a push". Sometimes it's easier to workout with others around you, than it is to workout alone.

If you belong to a gym, group classes are usually free! This is a bonus. Now, you don't have to spend extra money that you don't have, on a personal trainer. Group fitness instructors are usually certified and know just as much as a personal trainer.

There's just something about the energy that a group of people working out together bring to a class. I think it's very motivating. Plus, if you're tired and you want to try and sneak out of the class early, you'll look like a complete douche-bag......so this forces you to stay for the entire hour.

There is also a competitive energy in the air. Not only will you try to work harder than your neighbor, but you will also find a role model. Everyone finds a role model in a group fitness class. This will either be the instructor, or just another person in the class that looks great. When you see someone that looks great and works hard, you are more motivated to try and look like them.

A group fitness class is also great too, because most are for any level. Whether you are a beginner or an advanced fitness person, group classes work. For beginners, stand in the back. Then, you can watch everyone in front of you and no one will be watching you. The more you take the class, the more advanced you'll get....and you can start moving to the front.

Why I'm a Bitch, Thanksgiving Week

2011-11-23T08:25:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I almost had a nervous breakdown. The amount of shit that doesn't get done around here is really starting to get to me.

For starters, I don't have a cleaning lady. I did, but I decided to get rid of her. She did a great job for the first month....then she started to suck ass. I got tired of her chit-chatting in Polish on her cell phone (probably so I didn't know what she was saying). While she'd talk on the phone, she'd clean with her one available hand. A job that used to take her 3 hours, now only took ONE! How is this possible? I have a 5 bedroom, 5 bathroom house with 6 people living in it. 4 of which are men. It takes me about an hour just to clean one bathroom. So, she got kicked to the curb. Instead of hiring someone else, I decided I'd just clean myself. I am constantly cleaning anyway, so why pay someone once a week, when these asshole kids mess it up an hour later anyway?

It's very hard to keep up a house that has 6 people, 2 shedding dogs and 1 shedding cat. The animals certainly don't pick up after themselves and neither do the kids. Shoes are everywhere, socks too. And shoes and socks are often left on the kitchen chairs and counters. Who the fuck wants your ass smellin shoes and socks where they eat a meal? Book-bags are everywhere and coats too. Everyone has a hook in the hall for their bags and coats. You will only find dust hanging on those hooks because no one uses them. Dishes are left to pile in the sink and not put in the dishwasher. Oh...maybe because the dishwasher needs to be emptied. These dicks are even to lazy to flush their shit down the toilet.

The minute the beasts arrive home from school, I am in bitch mode. They come home, throw their shit on the floor (or kitchen counters)...one goes to take a nap (if he actually had a social life I'd think he was on drugs). One goes on facebook. One goes to play "Call of Duty" and one goes to do homework (the nerd of the family). I explode! I go and wake up "sleeping beauty" and tell the two other assholes to get off their computer and video game. I let the nerd continue homework because this is the only one that will be taking care of me someday when I'm a wrinkled bitch. I tell them to go do the chores that they're supposed to do. Pick up the dog shit. Take in the garbage cans (that they just walked past). Get their dirty breakfast dishes out of the sink (that I left there). Unload the dishwasher (that they were supposed to do last night). Get their clothes out of the laundry room (that have been there for days). Etc....etc.... I don't like hearing myself every day and I know they don't like hearing me either. So when? When are they going to "get it"? When will they realize that it only takes about 10 minutes to do these simple tasks...and it will make me happy???

I've been hosting Thanksgiving here for the past 16 years. I'll do it again this year. Wednesday (today) after I am done bitching on this blog, I will start the cooking, cleaning and setting of the table. We'll have 18 people for dinner this year and maybe a few more for dessert. This bullshit will take me about 6-8 hours. It's always my goal, to get it done quickly, so I can go out for a nice dinner later. That NEVER happens. We end up ordering out because it's too late and I haven't even gotten in the shower...and I look like a beaten down Mammy from Gone With the Wind.

I worked last night, so my only request to my husband, was to have a talk with the kids. Tell them to leave me the fuck alone tomorrow while I'm prepping for Thanksgiving. Tell them not to request me to drive them anywhere or do anything for them. Tell them to pick up after themselves and keep the house tidy. I told him I'm so tired of repeating these things, that it needs to come from him for once. One specific thing I told him, was to tell the "nerd" to clean the cat little box. I told her to do this a few days ago and she still hasn't.

While I'm at work, I got various texts from the kids...asking if friends could sleep over, asking if I can take them shopping tomorrow, asking if I can take the nerd to get her eyebrows waxed. Are you fucking kidding me? I don't text anyone back and I wonder where the fuck my husband is. He obviously hasn't said a word to any of them.

When I got home from work at 10:30pm, I sat down on the couch while my husband watched basketball. My feet hurt and my back hurt from where my rib is popped out. I didn't care though because work was good and I made good money. I ask him if he has spoken to the kids about helping out tomorrow. He says: "oh, I forgot". I shoot him a look, like I'm going to cut his nuts off, and I storm upstairs, as the aroma of cat shit fills the air.

MAKE-UP REVIEW

2011-11-22T08:00:00.001-06:00

Got dark circles? I do and have had them since I was probably 5! Thanks Dad. Yeah, for me it's hereditary. It never really bothered me much until I hit 30. Since then, I've tried every product out there. There are lots of creams that claim to diminish dark circles. None of them work, no matter how expensive they are. They are all a load of shit! The answer is not to diminish something that won't ever go away. The answer is to hide them!

I've tried lots of concealers and spent a pretty penny on some. I haven't been too thrilled with any. One day I was at the local drug store and saw this Maybeline Age Rewind (dark circle eraser). I thought, for $9.99, I'd give it a shot. It's a lot less expensive than anything I've tried before. Well, surprise, surprise.....this shit is great! It has a soft little sponge at the top for applying. You just turn the head of the tube and it slowly releases the concealer to the sponge. Then you just dab it on under your eyes. For a natural look, you should then use your 4th finger (the one between your "fuck you" finger and your pinkey) to blend it in. The reason you should use this finger, is because it's our finger that has the least strength. Our under eye area is very delicate and should never have a lot of pressure on it when putting on make up. This finger will allow you to blend perfectly with little pressure.

I think this product works best when applied immediately after your under-eye cream. Your under-eye cream will allow the area to stay moist while applying the concealer, allowing for a smoother look. Remember to use your 4th finger when applying the under-eye cream as well.

Thanks Mabeline! You just saved me about $20 bucks and 10 years!

Thai Ginger Sea Bass over Asian Slaw

2011-11-15T13:29:00.001-06:00

Whole Foods has some great marinades! I only make my own, unless I buy from Whole Foods! That way, I know I'm getting fresh, organic ingredients with nothing artificial.

What you need:

Thai Ginger Marinade (Whole Foods)
Piece of sea bass
cole slaw mix (whole foods has a great slaw mixture in the refrigerated section in produce)
black sesame seeds
sesame oil
EVOO
low sodium soy sauce
siracha
lime
salt/pepper to taste
vegetable or chicken stock

Marinade your fish for about 15 minutes in the Thai Ginger. In the meantime, make your slaw:
toast a good hand full of the sesame seeds in a skillet with no oil. Shake continuously for about 3 minutes. Then add your raw slaw mixture. Toss. Add a drizzle of EVOO and then a few drizzles of sesame oil. Enough oils to coat, but not too much where they are drenched! Toss around for a bit. You want to get the veggies a tad tender, but you don't want them mushy. They need to keep their crispiness!! Add a few dashes of soy sauce, salt/pepper and lime juice. Mix well. If you like spicy, add a few squirts of siraccha.

Now that your slaw is done, remove from pan and put onto a plate. Using the same pan, heat a drop or two of EVOO. When warm, add the fish. Cook about 3 minutes on each side(over medium heat), or until tender. Squeeze some lime juice on the fish. The marinade from the fish may stick to the pan a bit, so take a little vegetable stock (or chicken stock) and pour into pan to deglaze. This will remove the marinade from the sides of the pan and make a nice sauce. When fish is done, transfer on top of the plated slaw. Pour any juices/sauce from the pan over the fish.

Stupid Parents

2011-11-14T18:44:00.001-06:00

So, my husband was away on business for 9 days. I decided, for the weekend, to go visit him. It would break up my week as being a "single parent" and we'd get some quality time together...AWAY FROM THE KIDS! Even though the oldest is 19, I had my Mom come and stay at our house. I have pretty good kids, but I'm not a fucking moron.

Saturday comes around and my hubby and I are enjoying our afternoon. He gets a phone call from our oldest around lunchtime. I ask him what it was all about. Apparently, the oldest is going to some girl's house and she's having a "sleep over". My husband's response is: "be home by curfew". We have a rule in our house. That rule is, when you enter high school.....NO SLEEP OVERS. Nothing good ever comes from a sleep over. Why the hell wouldn't your kid want to come home and sleep in their own bed? We all know that there's no place like your own bed. The only reason a kid would want to sleep at someone elses house, is because they are up to no good. The only time sleep overs are allowed, is when they take place here. That's because I don't allow drinking and I don't allow co-ed sleepovers. Needless to say, there are not many sleep overs that take place here. Who cares. Fuck em.

So, now the oldest is all pissed off, but we don't care. It's OUR weekend. I don't want to deal with this shit, so I send him a facebook message, explaining to him to PLEASE be good and don't pull this shit while we are away and while his Nana is staying at the house with him. I told him we are constantly bending over backwards for him and his siblings!!...the least he can do is be good while we're out of town so we don't have to worry all night. I told him to stop being selfish.

So, my husband and I go out for the night. We get back to the hotel room about 12:30am. He notices he has a message on his phone. 2 messages, actually. Both messages are from some Mom. Apparently, the Mom who is hosting the co-ed sleep over. She's asking if it would be alright for our oldest to sleep over. Billy has steam coming out of his ears. Immediately, he calls our son...to find that he is home. Apparently, when Billy didn't answer these phone calls, our son decided he better get his ass home. Billy told him, he better NOT have a parent call him about this again.

I know you're probably all thinking that it wasn't really a parent that called and left those messages. It was probably just one of the girls at the party. Well....after all my "detective" work, I found out that the parents were actually home and allowing these kids to drink and sleep over. So, there is really no doubt in my mind that this fucking moron agreed to call my husband to see if she could persuade him into letting our boy spend the night. Of course, no one gave this stupid bitch my phone number. I would have ripped her fuckin head off.

What the hell is wrong with these parents? Don't we teach our kids right from wrong anymore? Don't we teach morals? Drinking under the age of 21 is ILLEGAL, so why do they think it's okay to allow under aged drinking in their homes? Why do they think that it's okay to allow boys and girls to sleep under the same roof after this drinking has taken place??? Are they that stupid? We all know that your judgement is impaired after you've been drinking. We all know that these parents aren't sitting with these kids, watching their every move. Do they really think that boys and girls aren't going to try and do "stuff" with each other??? Multiple trips to the bathroom perhaps??? I'm sure they're all hanging in a basement and there is more than one room down there. And these are the same kind of people that wonder how their kid got pregnant. Uh....they got pregnant because you made it easy for them, ASSHOLE! Or they wonder why their kid's vajay-jay or pecker is infested with STD's. Duh.

My friend had a similar story with her kid.....and she said that these parents today are too concerned with the popularity of their kid. They think that if they allow this ridiculous shit to go on, their kid will step up the popularity ladder. The only thing that's gonna be popular is your daughter's beaver. Don't these parents realize how much trouble they could get in by allowing under aged drinking???

So again, me and my husband are labeled "assholes" because we are the only ones who didn't let our kid stay overnight. We've all been in high school and we all remember how it flew by. Why then, I ask, do some parents feel like this is such an important time in their kid's life? Why do they feel they need to cater to these teens and let them do things, that they'll have plenty of time to do later in life? Parents like this make my job hard. It's not easy for me to tell my kids "no" all the time when all the other kid's parents are saying "yes". All I can do is stick to my guns and hope someday, my kids will appreciate what I went though to keep them safe.

Vegetarian Lunch

2011-11-09T13:04:00.000-06:00

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat this way about 3 times per week. Reason being: high cholesterol runs in my family. I get mine checked at least once a year and it has gone down ever since I started eating this way. Even though I normally eat lean meats, they still contain cholesterol, so I try to stay away from them at least 3 days a week. I like chicken, turkey,beef and pork and I think they're a good source of protein. I don't want to completely take them out of my diet, so I just limit my intake.

This is an easy lunch that I made today:

Scrambled Egg Whites and Tomato with Mixed Green and Avocado Salad

What you need:

Egg Whites

Diced Tomato

Mixed Greens

Diced Avocado

"Pam" Cooking Spray

EVOO

Rice Wine Vinegar

Parmesan

Salt/Pepper

Take your mixed greens and toss them in a bowl...drizzling them with some EVOO and a splash or two of Rice Wine Vinegar. Add some parmesan, and salt and pepper to taste. Now add the diced avocado Toss to coat and put aside.

Spray some "Pam" in a heated skillet. Cook up your egg whites and diced tomato until the whites are cooked and tomato is slightly tender.

Now transfer egg mixture to a plate and add the Mixed Greens on top. The heat from the eggs will slightly warm the greens. I think the soft eggs and the crunchy warm greens give a nice texture combo to this dish. I prefer to use mixed greens as apposed to iceberg, because iceberg really doesn't have any nutritional benefits.

To me, this is a great lunch because you have your salad, but also a good lean protein from the eggwhites. I'm also assuming you are smart enough to figure out portion size here. I didn't put any measurements on the ingredients because I don't think it takes a brain surgeon to figure out how much of what, in this dish. If you are having a hard time, you are probably a moron.

Psycho With Wire Cutters

2011-11-09T11:48:00.000-06:00

We moved into our house about 10 years ago. The previous owners had a security system by ADT here. Obviously, when we moved in, it was not in service because they cancelled it upon their move. We never called to get the service back, don't know why, so all we have is an alarm system that does absolutely nothing. Don't get me wrong, you could still set the alarm...and it would go off....but the police were never being called (since we weren't paying the monthly service). For some reason, we felt we didn't need this.

One night, while we were sleeping, we hear a beeping going on. It will not stop and we're getting frustrated. My husband (Billy...aka: Bilboner), starts looking around to find out where the beeping is coming from. He thinks it's the alarm system. He starts pushing a bunch of fucking buttons on the keypad, thinking that's going to make it stop. It stops.....only for a bit. The beeping continues.

Now, if you know anything about Bilboner, you will know that he's pretty laid back. The guy was a commodities trader for 20 years. He's use to stress that most humans have never experienced. He was pretty laid back on the trading floor (most of the time). Having discipline to be laid back in that environment is pretty amazing. That's how most people view him. If you are married to him, or you are one of his children, you see his other side. I call that side "Psycho". For example: The Bears game is on. They make a play and the ref makes a bad call. My son Joey (who's only 12) says: "Dad, why do you think he called that?" ....and Bilboner responds (yelling): "HOW THE FUCK DO I KNOW? DO I LOOK LIKE THE FUCKING REF? WATCH THE GAME AND FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF!!" Psycho. Now yes, I know guys get stressed watching their favorite football team, but this is just an example. He flies off the handle on other occasions too. Like the night of the beeping sound.

It's now like 5:00am and we have managed to sleep a little though the beeping bullshit. Bilboner is tossing and turning, and has steam coming out of his ears. He gets up in a rage! "WHAT THE FUCK! WHERE IS THAT COMING FROM???" He goes down to the basement where the security system control panel is. He takes wire cutters and fucking cuts every wire! Asshole. He comes upstairs and I don't say a word to him because it's not worth it. In my head I'm thinking: you need help, asshole! He gets back into bed...............beep......beep......beep. ROAR!!!!! He flies out of bed and starts looking around the hallway. He rips out the security system smoke detector......right out of the wall! The beeping continues. Now he thinks it's the carbon monoxide detector. He freaks, since this has been beeping all night, and calls the fucking fire department.

Now I have 2 fucking fire trucks and a cop car all in front of my house at 5:30am! Now this happened all so very quickly, that I didn't have time to change. I have no bra on. My tits are hanging to my knees under a t-shirt and I have about 5 fucking firemen in my house! How embarrassing. They pull out all their little fucking tools to "test the area", only to find NOTHING! Then one of the firemen notice the smoke detector (that was pulled out of the wall), lying on the floor. There is a beeping coming from it. It needs a new fucking battery! That's what all the beeping was about! I want to kick Billy in the nuts at this point.

Now, 10 years later, I have decided I would feel safer to have that alarm service. Needless to say, this isn't just a matter of ADT starting up the service again. Oh no. The guy is here now working on all the fucking wires that have been cut and torn out of the wall. He said it's about a 6 hour job. FML

Restaurant Review: RICCARDO TRATTORIA

2011-11-09T08:25:00.000-06:00

I was sooooo excited to try this place out! It had a lot of good write ups and was voted in the top 10 Italian restaurants on Opentable.com. I could not get a reservation for a Friday or Saturday, so we decided to take the kids on a Sunday.

There is really no good parking on Clark, so we were fortunate the restaurant offered valet service. When you enter, you are pretty much in the dinning room. It's a small, quaint little restaurant. Very cute, lots of character. There is a bar, but not one you can actually sit at. It is just to service the tables in the dinning room. So, if you don't have a reservation, you're pretty much fucked if you think you're gonna wait in the bar.

We sat down and were greeted by our Italian waiter. Actually, I think all of the waiters were Italian. They all looked it and they all had an Italian accent. I like seeing this when I'm in an Italian restaurant. Coming from an Italian family myself, I think it's important when your server can properly pronounce escarole, gnocchi, manicotti and ricotta. For the record, manicotti has an "I" on the end. It is NOT pronounced: man-i-got. And ricotta has an "A" on the end. It is NOT pronounced: ri-got. And calamari has an "I" at the end and is NOT pronounced: ca-la-mod! This is a huge pet peeve of mine. My family is off the boat. I know that when I hear people (who claim to be Italian) speak like this, they are assholes. This is how people on Jersey Shore pronounce these words and personally, they are a complete embarrassment to Italians!

Back to the restaurant....we ordered fried calamari and asparagus Milanese. The calamari was on the regular menu. The breading was light and flaky had had a little sea salt. Not too much, but just enough. It was good, but the calamari itself was overcooked a tad. Calamari should NOT be chewy and I thought this was. The asparagus dish was on the "specials" menu. This was excellent. It was sauteed asparagus topped with 2 fried eggs, parmesan, a fontina fondu and drizzled with black truffle oil. What's not to love about egg yolks and truffle oil? This was delicious!

I almost forgot the wine! They had a decent wine list. Not too big, not too small. Sometimes, small is better because it isn't overwhelming. We saw a familiar wine: Masi Campofiorin. This wine is made from Amarone grapes. Actually the same grapes used to make Valpolicella. The difference is, that the grapes are dried. The Valpolicella grapes are harvested early and then left to dry out for awhile.....and then you get Amarone! I call Masi Campofiorin a "baby Amarone". My reason is, it is just as good as the expensive Amarone's, for half the price! The bottle was $40. This wine has a fruity aroma. It's clean with hints of berry and cinnamon. It's easy to drink and has soft tannins.

For dinner, I ordered the monk fish Sicilian style (tomatoes, olives and onions), Bilboner ordered orchiette pasta with rapini, sundried tomatoes, pecorino and crumbled wild boar sausage. My daughter had spinach and ricotta stuffed manicotti in marinara and the little guy had penne in marinara (boring)! The 2 older boys did not join us for this dinner. They are too cool. My monk fish was slightly overcooked, though it was good. The Sicilian style sauce was great, with lots of olive taste (if you like olives it's great). Bilboner's dish was good. Just good. The pasta was cooked perfect (al dente), but I thought the rapini gave it too much of a bitter taste and for me, it didn't go well with the boar sausage. My daughters manicotti was delicious. The ricotta was light and fluffy and you could tell the spinach was fresh. The marinara had lots of tomato taste, was light and a little sweet. I can't even comment on the little guys pasta....because you'd have to be a real shitty restaurant to go wrong with penne marinara.

Bilboner and I took a pass on dessert, but my daughter had hazelnut gelato and my son had the chocolate. I don't know if this is made in house, but the hazelnut was excellent! Very creamy and fresh tasting. Both gelatos came with a small biscotti cookie (my favorite)! These were great! Just the right crunch, not too sweet and you could taste the hazelnuts in them. They tasted just like the ones my Nana would have at her house when I was little.

Overall, Riccardo Tratorria was good. It was not as good as the write ups I saw, but it was good. Some of the write ups said it was the "best" Italian in the city. That I didn't agree with. Great atmosphere, good food, nice wines. Portion sizes are small. For me, that's great, but for some it may be disappointing. For example, Bilboner's entree of pasta was $16 and it was pretty small. I like that because then you don't eat like a pig. We drove all the way from the suburbs to the city for this place. That I wouldn't do again, but I definitely would go back if I was already in the city and looking for a place to eat.

http://www.riccardotrattoria.com/

3 Yappin Assholes and the D-Bag Bartender

2011-11-07T22:15:00.000-06:00

The other night, Bilboner and I went out for a drink. We sat at the bar of a small, local, Italian restaurant. We ordered our drinks and then shared an appetizer. Muscles....which tasted like complete shit. When they bring you out the bowl and it smells like and old woman's crotch, that's pretty much a good sign that they're gonna suck. Anyway, there are 3 chicks sitting at the end of the bar....just a few seats away from us. They would not shut the fuck up. I know, I know...they are woman out for the night....they are expected to be yappin. That I get. But these 3 were annoying as hell. First they had the bartender (who was a douche bag) remake them about 3 different martinis. Then they acted like they were vodka specialists. The first hint that they were NOT, was when one of them ordered a Chopin martini and pronounced Chopin: chop-pin. I work in a bar. Chopin Vodka is pronounced: Sho-pan. The bartender shot her a look, like 'your an asshole' and then shook up her drink.

The next thing that annoyed me was how one woman was constantly talking about how great her daughter is. Apparently, her daughter is smarter than fuck and was accepted into all these high end colleges. BUT, since the Mom doesn't want her to go far away, she'll be going to the local junior college for the first year. Uh, yeah. If your kid is really that smart and getting accepted everywhere, why the fuck would you make them go to junior college? Liar.

The same woman then started on about how glad she is that she's divorced. I'm thinkin: "yeah, I bet your EX is too, asshole." She continues on about how "marriage is overrated" and she "wants to be able to go out, when she wants, see who she wants to see and not be questioned". To me, that's not marriage being overrated, that's her being a whore. Who the fuck in their right mind would think it's okay to do these things when you're married? If you want freedom to do whatever YOU want and if you don't want to commit to anyone but yourself, why would marriage ever be an option? You can't expect to be able to do these things when you are bound by marriage. Marriage is all about being selfless, making sacrifices and loving someone (other than yourself). Marriage is not overrated, it's just not for you. Whore.

And to top the whole night off, Biboner tells me the bartender is a "douche-bag", I look over his way and of course, the bartender heard him. Bilboner isn't the most quiet person and he's never discrete. I was so embarrassed. So, I rip Bilbo a new asshole and then he felt bad. Hopefully, the 25% tip made it up to the guy. And since this is a local place, I probably won't be going there again. FML

Restaurant Review: CAPITAL GRILLE

2011-11-06T11:32:00.000-06:00

Since I'm so opinionated, I decided to start posting reviews. They will mainly be restaurant reviews, but I will also be throwing in some reviews on beauty products and other bullshit. Today, I'll be reviewing The Capital Grille.

I've driven past this place several times, but never checked it out. It's always packed, I've heard good things...and we had $200 worth in gift cards so we thought, "why not check it out". Boy had we been missing out!

We had 8:00pm reservations which we made at Opentable.com. Love that website by the way! Anyone who doesn't make a dinner reservation on a Friday or Saturday night, is a moron. Unless you enjoy sitting around, twiddling your twadle for 2+ hours, you NEED a reservation no matter where you go. We were greeted by the hostess and were told they were running 10 minutes behind. Fine with us. We went to the bar for a drink while we waited. The bar area is beautiful. It's sophisticated looking with deep cherry wood and granite, leather bar stools with backs on them and gorgeous stained glass chandeliers. We sat down. I had a Grey Goose dirty martini with blue cheese olives (yum) and Bilboner had a glass of Cabernet. We had great conversation...looking up words we've made up on Urban Dictionary...and realizing other people use them too..with the same meaning. We had a lot of laughs. The hostess came by after we'd been sitting for 30 minutes, apologized for the wait on our reservation and offered us a free appetizer when we got seated. The dinning room was equally as beautiful. We had a cozy table in the corner. A good place to put us.

There was good people watching at this restaurant. You had your variety of classy, snooty, plastic and douche-bags. There were even some people brave enough to bring their children! Hey, if you can afford to bring your kids here and they are well behaved (and these kids WERE), then kudos to you for treating them to the finer things!

Our waiter was named Jim and he was extremely informative and friendly. Jim briefed us on some wine specials they were running. We decided on a bottle of Groth 2008 Cabernet. Normally priced at $125 a bottle, on special for $99. It was delicious. For me it was very fragrant with fruit, smooth going down with a slight dry finish. Great to drink with steak! We ordered the beef carpaccio for an appetizer (on them). The carpaccio melted in your mouth. It was blended with spices, seared on the outside, chilled and sliced razor thin. It was topped with a good amount of arugula salad (so we didn't order a salad). The arugula was dressed with a lemon vinaigrette with hints of mustard oil, fresh sea salt and shaved Parmesan. I LOVE arugula and the peppery taste of this green, really complimented the beef.

For dinner, Bilbo ordered the Sesame Glazed, Sushi Grade Tuna Steak and I ordered the Porchini Rubbed Delmonico with 12 Year Aged Balsamic. We always order like this so we can share and do a surf and turf. For a side, we ordered the Lobster Mac and Cheese. We normally don't eat heavy stuff like this, but we wanted to taste it and then bring the rest home for the kids.

Bilbo's tuna could be cut with a fork, it was so tender. It came with 3 different dipping oils. One was a basil oil, one a soy oil and one a ginger oil. The basil oil was the best. The tuna was served rare, which in my opinion, is the only way to eat tuna. We both agreed that my Porchini Rubbed Delmonico was the best steak we have ever eaten. They put a dry porchini rub on the steak that is the tastiest thing I've ever had. I ordered the steak medium rare. I think a steak needs to have some pink inside or else it takes away the flavor. I honestly think you could have ordered this steak well done and it still would have been wonderful because of that tasty rub! The Lobster Mac and Cheese was delicious, but very rich. The lobster in it was cooked perfectly. The cheese was a blend of Havarti and mascarpone. The mascarpone definitely gave this a touch of sweet flavor. They had a panko breadcrumb mixture over the top, along with grated white cheddar, to give the dish a bit of crunch and texture. It was to die for....literally. Eating a whole order of this will clog your arteries and raise your cholesterol in 5 minutes! We had a taste and then had it wrapped, so we could feed it to our kids and kill them instead.

Jim was kind enough to bring us a dessert "on him". It was a fresh ricotta cheesecake with a medley of fresh berries. The ricotta made this cheesecake light and fluffy. The berries were very fresh with a drizzle of berry compote. A great way to end the evening.

I would definitely recommend this restaurant! The food was great! The best steak we've ever had. The atmosphere was classy and upscale. Wine was superb. It IS expensive, so it's a good "special occasion" place. And....the best part about the night was the conversation. Bilbo and I have been married quite awhile and we still have a great time together. We laugh a lot and we label ourselves as "foodies"...so dinners for us are very enjoyable. Plus, he is my best friend....and who else would you want to share a night with?

http://www.thecapitalgrille.com/

Teens + Texting = Fucked Up Future

2011-11-06T09:16:00.000-06:00

To all you parents out there with little ones....hopefully you will learn something from this today.

I like to throw my opinion around about a lot of things, especially on raising kids. For me and my husband, the teen years have probably been the most difficult. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty lucky with the kids I've got. NO drug problems, no major drinking episodes, responsible and respectful. Well, with the exception of Joey (12). He's an asshole sometimes in the respect category. Nothing a nice crack across the mouth doesn't cure though. The one thing that they DO have a problem with, is being social when they have their phones.

The telephone used to be a wonderful gadget, used to place on your ear and talk with someone who you couldn't see in person. The key word in that sentence is TALK. That is not what teens use phone for anymore. Now phones are used to communicate with your friends and family with your thumbs. These creatures no longer know how to have a conversation with their mouths. Instead, they have conversations with their thumbs. And, to top it all off, their thumbs are just as lazy as the rest of their body and can't even spell out whole words. Lol, wtf, idk, lmfao, etc....etc.... FUCK YOU! Unfortunately, someday when these morons go to fill out a job application, under "language spoken" there is not an option that says: THUMB SHORT-HAND!

Kids these days do not know how to communicate they way they should. Parents with teens, whens the last time you saw your kid pick up the phone and TALK to someone? They don't know how! Now these kids ask each other out via text, break up with each other via text, talk dirty via text...and the list goes on! When they text, they have balls the size of an elephant. They would never say half the shit they say via text, to someone in person. Believe me, I know. I told my kids that I pay their phone bills, so I can check their texts. Randomly, I will do that. If they don't like it, then be my fuckin guest and pay your own bill assholes! I've seen shit on there that I don't like. When I confront them, I always say: "would you have said this to that person's face?" The answer is usually "no" and then I go on to explain that if you wouldn't say it in person, you shouldn't say it via text either. I also try to explain that other parents may check their kid's phones and would my kids want the other parents to see what they said too? Teenagers are stupid and need constant reminders of this shit. They also need to understand that once a text is sent, it can be forwarded to a million other people! Nothing you say on text is EVER guaranteed personal between you and that person.

Currently, my 2 oldest (18 almost 19... and 17) have gotten their data and texting restricted on their phones. This is for a lot of stupid reasons that we will not get into. The 18 year old has been without it for about 3 months now. And guess what?....he's a fucking pleasure to be around!!! I'm being serious. He actually talks to his friends and girlfriend ON THE PHONE! He has gotten extremely social in the past 3 months! The 17 year old just got his taken away last week...and guess what?.....he actually has a PERSONALITY!! And my daughter who's 14?...we haven't had to worry about her yet because she is a nerd. It's hard to be constantly texting when you're too busy reading Animal Farm, going to Youth Ministry meetings and listening to Rosetta Stone to brush up on your Spanish in your free time.

So this weekend, we took an overnight trip with these 3 to go visit Eastern Illinois University. The oldest one has been accepted there and wanted to take a look. We made the 2 others come with since college is right around the corner for them. We left little asshole (12 year old) home with friends. It was a 3 hour car ride there and a 3 hour car ride home. And guess what?....we all TALKED while we drove!!!! It was complete bliss! We laughed, had good conversation and probably learned a little from each other in those 2 days. Now if these 3 jerks had texting, the car ride would have been quiet. All we would have heard is click, click, click from their fucking fingers on the keypads of their phones! And guess what? When we stopped to eat a meal.....WE HAD CONVERSATIONS WITH EACH OTHER!!! How about them apples???? It was great. We all enjoyed our time together, made some memories and they were able to give 100% attention to the college tour.

It has been a harsh punishment for them, but I think they are really benefiting from it. Of course they may not realize this now, but it is really helping their social skills. Parents who have little ones should really think long and hard before they purchase that first phone. I think the phone is fine, but maybe do away with the texting for awhile. Or, at least have limits with the texting.....like taking their phones at night so they can't text when their supposed to be sleeping. We've encountered this problem too. The only time texting is good, is when you're out to dinner with other couples.....and you text your husband across the table: "DO NOT ORDER ANOTHER DRINK ASSHOLE!...YOU'RE MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF. I'M GONNA KICK YOU IN THE NUTS IF YOU DO!". And of course, texing like this is fine, because you are avoiding him the embarrassment of you saying this in front of everyone.

Food Labels Strike Again!

2011-10-25T16:23:00.000-05:00

Do I like putting labels on food in the house? Not really. But, when I splurge once in awhile and go to Whole Foods, I'm not about to share that expensive shit with these asshole kids. You all know I'm a health food fanatic and so do my kids. I've been preaching healthy eating to them, since they can remember. Yet, they still order shit like fettuccine Alfredo, mac and cheese, chili cheese fries, etc...just to piss me off when we dine out. So, why the fuck do they think it's necessary to eat MY healthy shit in the house? I have plenty other healthy things for them to eat and I also have "normal" food too. I can't deprive them of everything. Plus, they are just complete assholes when they eat. They are very selfish, they are pigs and they are inconsiderate slobs. Here's a few examples:

See this? ZERO CALORIE green tea. It's all natural and it's all for me. If I didn't put a "message" on the box, these dicks would drink it all in one day. Go drink a Coke A Cola and rot your teeth, assholes. This is not for you!

This is MY water bottle. I do not waste. If I get a water bottle and I do not finish it, I put it in the fridge to finish later. These ballsacks like to take water bottles out of the fridge, drink 2 sips and then leave it on the counter and never touch it again. Little do they know, that I now fill these unfinished bottles with tap water, tighten the cap real hard, and put it back with the other water bottles so it can be recycled by them. Dumb shits. So, when I put my bottles in the fridge, I need to label them so these douche bags don't drink em. One time I didn't label my water bottle and someone apparently took a drink out of it....because when I went to take a sip, there was fuckin chocolate smeared on the neck of it and backwash floating inside. This is the only way I can avoid these fuckers from poisoning me with their germs.

This is Honey. I like to drink Chamomile tea and put honey in it. A few times I've gone to get the honey and the bottle is all sticky. There's honey smeared all over the outside of the bottle and on the bottom of the cabinet. My first thought was: THE KIDS! Of course my husband makes me feel bad and says "why do you always have to blame the kids? The bottle probably has a leak". In the back of my head I'm thinking: you're a fucking moron. But, I give him the benefit of the doubt. I clean the bottle and the cabinet. Then I give the bottle a good squeeze with the cap on and nothing leaks out. I put it back in the cabinet and close the door.

The next day, I go to make myself some tea, and sure enough the bottle is a sticky mess! My 17 year old sees me cleaning it and then says: "Is that honey?" I say: "Ya". He says: "Ha, yeah, Jake squeezes that in his mouth every morning". He laughs. I don't laugh. Jake is my 18, almost 19 year old! Instead, I pull out my trusty Sharpie marker and write "DON'T TOUCH" on the cap. Then I go to kick my husband in the nuts.

These are 100 calorie, all natural Think Thin bites. Bites is the key word here. I personally, do not eat these. I buy them for my daughter. She tries to watch what she eats and she does not take advantage of food. She will take ONE of these to school in her lunchbox along with the rest of her lunch. There are only 5 in a box, so this lasts her a whole school week. Now, before I put the label on it, we had a problem.

One day I went to Whole Foods and bought a box along with some other things. When the kids came home from school, they noticed I went grocery shopping. I have to put restraints on them because they are like flies on shit! I tell them to get ONE snack and we are going to be eating dinner soon. No one touches the box of Think Thin bites.....until the next morning! I wake up and get the coffee started. I go to throw the old coffee grounds away and when I open the garbage can, I see 5 Think Thin wrappers in the fucking can. Of course, ONE WAS NOT ENOUGH for one of these assholes to eat for breakfast. No shit Sherlock! They are called "bites". It is meant for having a "bite", not eating the whole flippin box!!! Needless to say, when my daughter went to get one for school, she was shit out of luck. Now, I have to mark this box as well. I guess the waffles, bagels, breakfast sandwiches, cereal and pop tarts weren't good enough for these fuckers! Oh no! They had to satisfy themselves with an entire box of low calorie snacks that I JUST bought yesterday.

I can't wait until they are out of this house, paying their own bills. We'll see then, how piggish they will be.

I'm sure the 1st semester at college will be a real treat. They will spend all their money in the first week on food galore! When it runs out, their gonna have to live on whatever they can find outside. Hunt down a fucking rabbit for all I care assholes, cuz I won't be sending any more money. Looks like they'll have to learn to be Conservative, get a job on campus or pick up some tips from Man VS. Wild.

Roasted Butternut Squash

2011-10-20T13:29:00.000-05:00

This shit is good. Just peel a butternut squash, then cut in half and remove the seeds and shit. Now cut into cubes. Put into a bowl with 2-3 cloves of chopped fresh garlic, about 1 TBS of chopped fresh tarragon, EVOO (enough to coat, but don't over do it), salt and pepper to taste. Now mix it around until the squash is coated. Transfer to a shallow baking dish. Add a little less than 1/2 inch of chicken stock to the bottom of the pan. Stick in a pre-heated 400 degree oven and let cook for about 15-20 minutes....or until very tender. A fork should go through it nice an easy. Remove from oven and sprinkle fresh grated Parmesan. It's delicious!

Sometimes while the squash cooks, I will cook up some cubed tofu in a saute pan. I just saute in "Pam" until golden brown. When the squash is done, I toss the tofu with the squash. Now you've got yourself some added protein.

Bon Appetite, assholes.

No School Sucks!

2011-10-20T09:34:00.000-05:00

So, my 3 in high school have the day off tomorrow. Fuck me. Parent-teacher conferences are being held tonight (Thursday) and all day tomorrow (Friday). That's the reason for the day off.

I've pretty much mentally prepared myself for the aggravation I'm going to endure. The first will come tonight. I work tonight and probably won't get home till about 10:00pm-10:30pm. On nights I work, I am super tired when I get home. I'm on my feet for about 6 hours, slinging drinks and meals at assholes. When I get home, I want to walk into a clean house (like I left it), a quiet house (kids should be in bed) and I want to get straight into bed myself. I only work weekdays, so I do expect all the kids to be in bed since they have school the next day. But not tomorrow....oh no! They have the day off. So these mother fuckers think that because THEY have the day off, they are going to go out tonight. Now most parents I know work and need to get a good night sleep. Who the fuck can get a good nights sleep, knowing their kids are gallivanting around town since THEY don't have school tomorrow??? Not me.

First of all, I can't actually sleep, knowing my kids are not home. And if I do doze off for a bit, I'm of course woken to the sound of the assholes coming in the house because they are not considerate to anyone but themselves. They will come in, slam the door behind them, go into the kitchen and start preparing a midnight fuckin snack! Not a normal midnight snack, like cold, leftover pizza or peanut butter and jelly or a cookie. Oh no. These dicks will start creating a meal that requires cookware.....like a grilled fuckin cheese, Ramen noodles or bacon! Do you have any idea how the noise of clanking cookware travels in this house? Remember, they are inconsiderate. They aren't going to lightly place the skillet on the stove top. They are cooking like they work in a 5 star restaurant! God forbid if they decide to go the bacon route. It's a real treat for me to wake up to grease splattered all over the fucking kitchen, including the floor. I've slipped on this shit before and it isn't funny. And to top it all off, they will leave everything in the sink, for Mom the asshole, to clean in the morning.

So, last night at dinner, I laid down the law. I told them not to even think of going out on Thursday night. I said they can go out, but they have to be home by 10:00 and lights out by 10:30. I told them they may have the day off, but their Dad doesn't and he has to get up for work early. He doesn't want to wait up all night for them to stroll in and neither do I. Assholes.

The next treat will be Friday morning. I will wake up bright and early and get my little guy off to school. Then I'll drive straight over to the high school for conferences for the 3 other assholes. Yeah, that will be a real treat. I have to meet with 13 fucking teachers, starting at 8:30am until 11:30am. Not my idea of a great Friday! I wish I was one of those parents that doesn't even bother with conferences. But, it's my duty to make sure these jerks are doing well, so they can get into a good college, get a good job, AND MOVE THE FUCK OUT! That's now my goal in life. The conferences won't be the worst part of my Friday though. Oh no. The worst part will be, when I return home. My daughter (bitch on wheels) will be up and she'll already have my agenda planned for the rest of the day. She'll want me to be her taxi driver and take her here and there. Not happening. And the 2 boys? Those nut sacks will still be fucking sleeping. That will really piss me off.

Needless to say, days off for the high school kids really suck around here. But I'll tell you this: if their conferences don't go well, their day off is really going to suck for them. And I've had it!

Moron At The Gym

2011-10-19T16:20:00.003-05:00

So, today I go to the gym for my morning workout. I hop on the elliptical trainer and my friend Melissa joins me. I haven't seen her for awhile so it was nice to catch up while we got our cardio in. About 15 minutes into our workout, some moron walks in with her baby in hand.

Now let's sidebar for just a minute. I belong to a health club. A health club that I pay good money to be a member of. One of the perks is, that they have a fantastic child care facility. This is one of the reasons I joined 12 years ago. 12 years ago, my kids were 3 months, 2, 5, and 7. Let's just say it's summertime and no one was in school yet. I'd get all 4 kids up, feed them breakfast, get them dressed and out the door...and we'd be off to the club. I'd let them know where we were going and get them mentally prepared to spend at least an hour in the child care. Even if they bitched and moaned, I didn't give a flying fuck. This was MY time. My time to let out stress, my time to lose the fucking weight I gained because of them, and my time to be away from the assholes for at least an hour. Believe me, it was and still is my Prozac!

So back to the moron. Now I notice the moron is part of a team weight loss group. Meaning: this is a group of about 4-8 people that work out with a trainer and they mainly do treadmill workouts. Everyone in the group is on their treadmill being instructed by the trainer.....and on hops the lady with the baby. Oh yeah....she's gonna walk on the treadmill with this kid on her hip. Not only is she NOT going to have an effective workout, but it's bad for her spine and it's dangerous for the baby. My friend and I are in awe of this and then we ignore her for awhile...when all of a sudden......it's push-up and sit-up time! Now the trainer wants everyone to get down from their treadmills and do a series of push-ups and sit-ups. So the moron gets off the treadmill and tries sitting the baby on the floor next to her mat. The baby lets out a scream and starts fuckin crying. Now everyone in their vicinity is looking. Even people with Ipods in their ears can hear this shit. So the moron picks up the baby and hands her to the trainer. The trainer shoots her a look like "are you fucking kidding me?" (Though I don't feel bad for the trainer, because she should have never allowed this in the first place.) The baby is quiet for about 2 seconds and starts screaming again......and AGAIN, everyone is looking her way. She grabs the baby from the trainer and throws her over her shoulder like she's a sack of potatoes. What a fucking asshole.

Apparently, this woman has trained her child to be inseparable with her. Yeah, sorry but it's her fault. Any child that can't handle being away from a parent at that young an age is a product of being spoiled. When you have a baby, you have to train them to go to other people. If they cry...fuck em! They'll stop eventually. If you put your baby to bed on a full stomach, and a clean diaper and they cry....fuck em! They'll stop eventually. A baby has never cried themselves to death. Do we like to see our babies cry? Do we like to hear our babies cry? Of course not, assholes. But how are they ever going to learn if you keep "nee-nee nana-ing" them. It's the same as the assholes who tip toe around the house when the baby is sleeping. God forbid if there is one little noise and the kid wakes up and starts screaming. I used to throw parties at my house when my kids were infants. I'd put them to bed and they became trained to sleep through it. Shit, these fuckers will sleep through a fucking earthquake I've trained them so well. No tip toeing ever went on around here.

When I go to the gym, I don't want to see or hear your fucking kid while I'm working out. That's what the childcare center is for. The workout area is NOT a place for children. If you are that much of a pussy and you can't handle leaving your child in the childcare center, then buy a treadmill asshole. Enjoy your workouts at home from now on and YOU can listen to your screamin kid all fuckin day.

Food Tip!

2011-10-18T09:01:00.002-05:00

I LOVE these grits! They are gluten free and wheat free. I just pour about 1/4 cup in a bowl and add water. Throw in microwave for 2 minutes. Stir in some grated Parmesan and top with an egg (over easy). I pretty much eat this every morning!!

You can also eat them without the egg, just as a hot cereal and mix with Almond Milk instead of water for a different taste.

*Don't add BUTTER, asshole! It's fattening and it doesn't need it!

PLEASE VOTE

2011-10-17T15:10:00.000-05:00

http://www.homeruninncontest.com/

Every year my BFF Melissa and her hubby do a Halloween video for Home Run In Pizza. They came very close to winning last year. Please watch the (AWESOME) video and then vote for them. You can vote every day. Please help them to win this year. It really is great!

The name of the video is "Feeding Time" by Melissa Falbo-Kallenbach

My Mother In Law

2011-10-14T16:23:00.001-05:00

This is some shit that most would not believe.....

Yes, my mother in law and I get along great. I guess you can say, she has a good sense of humor or maybe she just likes me because I whipped her son into shape (at least that's what I tell him). Anyway, she is into texting now, which is kinda funny to me. She is 70 and she enjoys sending me stupid fuckin texts throughout the day because she's bored. When she first started, she'd always add "LOL". Which made me laugh. I told her it means: "Little Old Lady". No one would believe the shit we say to each other, so here's some of what went on today:

Helen: Did u like the new mop I bought for easy cleaning the floor, bitch?

Me: It's worthless unless it has someone pushing it.

Helen: Have Billy (my husband/her son) do it. He always like pushing, didn't he? Or has work slowed him down?

Me: Go read one of ur smut magazines, bitch.

Helen: I already read them, thats why I thought we could smut text<:D>

Me: Don't you have to watch Maggie or something? (her granddaughter)

Helen: No, it's my weekend w/Zach and Gabby Tooth. (other grandchildren)

Me: She's a whore. (meaning Gabby Tooth. She's in kindergarten. Hahaha)

Helen: No, that's her mother. (my sister in law)

Me: And Pat (the other grandma)

Helen: She's just an old whore.

Me: ...with a wrinkled, bald beave. Kinda like urs.

Helen: How do know what kind of beave we have. we don't call them bald, we just, our hair down south is a little scarce.

Me: It was an educated guess.

Helen: I hope u keep your bush trimmed so it doesn't stick out of that slingshot thong u call underwear.

Me: I'm going to use it to slingshoot rocks thru ur windows.

Helen: (1/2) U r nothing but a douche bag don't bother me anymore i getting carpal tunnel in my thumbs. No i not going to stick them there so don't bother texting that response.

Me: Ur the one who started w/me u senile twat!

And there you have it! A nice friendly conversation between my mother in law and myself!