Designing Marriage

A Time-Tested Relationship Tip

2010-02-22T16:08:00.003-06:00

A few weeks ago I signed up for a newsletter that delivers one time-tested relationship tip to your inbox every Monday morning. Every tip comes from couples married 50 years or more. I liked today's tip.

"In many ways marriage is like a tender plant. It requires constant nourishment and care if it is to prosper and bloom. It means that the marriage partnership requires daily care. The partner needs to be told daily how my love for her is constant. It is well to give thanks...on a daily basis."
- George, married to Ruthanna on January 25, 1936

Would love to hear all the ways my readers give thanks to their loved ones on a daily basis. Is it through words, gestures, or gifts, for instance?

Do you listen to the tone or hear the lyrics of conversation?

2010-02-21T09:47:00.006-06:00

When Adriano and I were traveling in central Chile last May we met a Romanian in the remote local of the Andes Mountains. With nothing to do past dark and the three of us being the only people at the Refugio Lodge for the night, we enjoyed a bottle of wine and hours of talking once the sun went down.

At some point the conversation turned to the topic of marriage. Our Romanian friend pondered, "How do you communicate if one of you listens to the tone of a conversation when the other hears the lyrics?" I've found myself coming back to that question many times in the last year.

I'm definitely a person that hears the lyrics of a conversation. I'll analyze every word spoken to death, if given the chance...imagining what the hidden meaning might be. Seriously, I could be a call out in a Glamour article, "When he says 'x,' he really means 'y.'" Adriano, on the other hand, is a lyrics man. The tone of the conversation predicates whether it will be a good one versus a bad one.

When you think of conversations as a song, comprised of lyrics and tone, it makes you think of speech a bit differently.

I came across an article in the Houston Chronicle this morning about an international couple celebrating their 38th wedding anniversary. When they met (she an American, he a Brazilian), they didn't speak the same language. For them, tone was all a conversation could be about. I smiled when I read the wife's take on the "lyrics" of conversation with her husband in the early years.

“I decided that, since he didn't speak English well, I would assume that if he said something that didn't sound right, he didn't mean it the way it sounded and we would talk about it instead of getting mad. He was the same way with me.”

She attributes the success of their marriage to cutting each other some slack when it came to the "lyrics" being a bit off.

In the last few years, I've tried to talk with Adriano about key words/topics that set me off. I think it's helped. I hope it's helped. But regardless, I guess I can take some pointers from Karen's advise.

Talking Money

2010-02-17T15:14:00.005-06:00

I recently started getting a newsletter called Daily Worth. It targets women and provides a new financial tip to your email inbox each day.

Yesterday's tip is relevant for all married (or seriously involved) couples. It shares tips for how to talk about money, without getting into a brawl with your significant other at the same time.

Here's a pict of Daily Worth's three-step method for talking money, allowing a conversation to ideally begin and end in peace. Enjoy!

And if you think of ways to expand on these probing questions, please share.

Sweet Valentine idea

2010-02-12T06:33:00.003-06:00

Over at Discovery Education you can make a Valentine's Day puzzle for your loved one. You can create word searches, cross-word puzzles, hidden message puzzles and more. You upload the words you want to be included in the puzzle and the software does the rest. And the best part...it's 100% free.

Just think of all the sweet messages you could include in one of those...

A big thanks to Heidi for passing this idea along!

The purpose of marriage?

2010-02-08T09:56:00.003-06:00

Adriano and I saw "Up in the Air" with George Clooney this past weekend, which we thoroughly enjoyed. It deserves the nominations it's getting for the Oscars. If you haven't seen, it's well worth the ticket price.

There are multiple themes of note intertwined through the story line, one of which is marriage. George Clooney's character is a forever bachelor, favoring his "road warrior" lifestyle to the idea of "settling down." When he's challenged with defining why he's against marriage he references all the reasons people often give for being marriage. Not wanting to go through life alone, not wanting to die alone, wanting to have more security...these being only a few.

Even as his character starts to come around on realizing why someone might want a "co-pilot" (as he puts it) through life, never is the real reason to marry someone, in my opinion, mentioned.
I think you should only marry someone when you can honestly say that being with that person makes you a better you than you can be by yourself. That's how I feel about Adriano. I do love that I have a "co-pilot," someone that I can count on to be there and share these things with. But, I only appreciate him as the lovely "co-pilot" that he is because I cherish how much he helps and encourages all the good in me to come out on a daily basis.

2010 is a new year

2010-02-03T15:39:00.004-06:00

After a long hiatus, I'm back...or at least I'm going to try to be.

I've missed this blog. Apparently others have too, as several people have reached out in the last few months to say, "Are you going to continue to write?," "When will you post again?," or "I miss your posts." It's really touching to know that my thoughts on marriage are engaging enough to be missed!

2009 was a trying year for me. The first half of the year was really spent trying to cope with the recession, business-wise. And the second half was spent working my butt off trying to make up for work that wasn't around for the first 6 months.

Well, I'm happy to say 2010 is starting out on a much better note. Finally, I think I have the extra mental space to direct towards this. I hope I do. Just by writing this blog, I think I give more thought to my marriage, making it front and center and myself more conscious of it's main objectives, which are to:

Make tangible the advice "Don't take you partner for granted;" and
Live by the mantra "If it doesn't work, fix it."

Consider me back. Another post will follow in the coming days.

We have a new baby...

2009-06-17T15:52:00.003-05:00

...and her name is Tao. Isn't she beautiful?

She found us last week. I was traveling and Adriano heard some crying in the woods by our house. After three days of hearing the crying, he climbed over the fence to investigate and there was this little beauty. She was pinned under some wood and tangled up in some wire...the poor thing. We're pretty certain she was a wild dog, as there were about four others like her and a larger dog that scattered once Adriano got over the wall. Well, he rescued her and then took her in to mend her foot. She's doing fine now. Her foot is all better. And in the meantime, Adriano and I have fallen in love. So, we're adopting her! She's "our girl!" According to the vet, she's about 2 months old.

And, interestingly, I think she's giving me a preview into the over protective, mother hen parenting style that Adriano will expend with vengeance one day when we have a child. He's such a worry wart...afraid she'll fall, that's she's not getting enough food, etc. I never imagined that he would be this way.

Adriano says that he wants a boy for a child, while I feel like we'll have a girl. After seeing the way he acts with Tao, maybe we better have a boy? I fear a girl would never be allowed to leave the house. Something might happen...

Money, fighting and sex

2009-06-03T12:04:00.003-05:00

Money
Good Morning America recently interviewed authors Bethany and Scott Palmer about their new book, "First Comes Love, Then Comes Money: A Couple's Guide to Financial Communication". Each of them used to work with couples to create household budgets, payment plans, etc., but quickly learned that "budgets and plans and payments won't mean squat" if "you don't know how to talk about money with your partner" and " if you don't know how to keep financial infidelity from destroying your relationship."

I like the premise of this book because it puts financial communication before the nitty gritty of budget planning and the like, recognizing how fundamental this skill is to finding an agreeable budget that everyone in the family can agree upon and stick to.

If you're interested in reading the highlights of the Palmer's interview on Good Morning America, click here. A big thanks to Andrea for sending this my way!

Fighting
I don't advocate that you make it a regular thing to fight with your spouse. But, let's get real...it happens from time to time.

I came across this post this morning at The Love Coach Blog. Rinatta profiled a psychological study done last year that "found that sleep preserves emotionally charged events." She goes on to say, "This means that if you have a fight with your partner and don’t resolve it before bed, you are more likely to hold on to the fight and your hurt feelings in your permanent memory. Not a good thing for your relationship!" Yikes!

If only we could always control the time of day that a fight comes on... I guess the learning here is, if you know you need to have a conversation with your spouse that you feel could get a little dicey, maybe addressing that topic over morning coffee might be a better plan versus after dinner drinks.

Sex
And finally, the more fun topic of sex...

Last month was "Date Your Mate" month. Casie passed along the following tip from Health Magazine's newsletter on how to keep your sex life fun and interesting.

Find new ways to enjoy each other's bodies, like long massages and strong daily hugs. Have intimate contact outside the bedroom, or write down your fantasies and put them in a "fantasy jar." Take turns picking out of the jar and act out the fantasies. This can build intimacy, trust and great sex.

How much do you mitigate your speech?

2009-05-28T17:04:00.002-05:00

I've just finished reading Malcolm Gladwell's, "Outliers: The Story of Success" book. I've always believed that "success" was a series of fortunate events in one's life (which is the premise of the book), but every chapter challenged me to re-evaluate my thoughts on just how far back those advantages that lead to success begin...like at birth! It's a fantastic read. I'd highly recommend it.

One concept that Gladwell talks about in the book, is the impact that cultural legacies have on how people react within specific situations. Specifically, he speaks of "mitigated speech" and how when we are trying to downplay or sugarcoat something, it's very common for people to mitigate their statements. How much we mitigate our statements relates to our cultural heritage, who we're speaking to, the situation, etc.

Generally speaking, the more mitigated a statement becomes the more likely it is that the message intended to be conveyed through that statement will be lost on it's receiver. Gladwell makes this point in his book by sharing this example:

The linguists Ute Fischer and Judith Orasanu once gave the following hypothetical scenario to a group of captains and first officers [training for their flight licenses] and asked them how they would respond:

You notice on the weather radar an area of heavy precipitation 25 miles ahead. [The pilot] is maintaining his present course at Mach .73, even though embedded thunderstorms have been reported in your area and you encounter moderate turbulence. You want to ensure that your aircraft will not penetrate this area.
Question: what do you say to the pilot?

In Fischer's and Orasanu's minds, there were at least six ways to try to persuade the pilot to change course and avoid the bad weather, each with a different level of mitigation.
1. Command: "Turn thirty degrees right." That's the most direct and explicit way of making a point imaginable. It's zero mitigation.

2. Crew Obligation: "I think we need to deviate right about now." Notice the use of "we" and the fact that the request is now much less specific. That's a little softer.

3. Crew Suggestion: "Let's go around the weather." Implicit in this statement is "we're in this together."

4. Query: "Which direction would you like to deviate?" That's even softer than a crew suggestion, because the speaker is conceding that he's not in charge.

5. Preference: "I think it would be wise to turn left or right."

6. Hint: "That return at twenty-five miles looks mean." That's the most mitigated statement of all.

Notice how unclear a "hint" is versus a "command?" Is there even an action requested in the "hint" example? Not that I can see.

I found this concept of mitigated speech really fascinating, especially once I started to relate it to my own life experiences. How many times have you mitigated your speech with your significant other without really conveying your message? I'm guilty of it. In fact, just a few weeks ago I said to Adriano, "You know, days go by and I never go over the bridge," which is the gateway to the city center in Brasilia. No action ensued naturally from his side. He goes "over the bridge" daily. Once I stepped it up a few notches to the suggestion level and said, "Let's go out for sushi tonight at that new place. I need to get out of the house," then, and only then, were my needs met.

Bottom line, next time you're not getting what you want, reflect inward to assess how clear your message was from the start.

I'm back...after a very long hiatus

2009-05-26T17:19:00.004-05:00

So, when I wrote my "Headed to Finland" post on April 13, I really did have every intention of getting back to writing the Designing Marriage blog during the week of April 27. Well, life and work got in the way and then a vacation to Chile, so my apologizes to you all. With this post, I'm reinstating my commitment to writing on this blog. More to come tomorrow...

And to all those who have sent me articles over the past few weeks, thinking that they might make good content for the blog, THANK YOU! I've read them all and have saved every one that I'd like to highlight here. They will be forthcoming as well.

It's good to be back. I've missed you all!

Headed to Finland

2009-04-13T12:15:00.008-05:00

I wanted to give you all the heads up that I'll be taking a break from writing for the Designing Marriage blog over the next couple of weeks. I'm headed to Finland today for a workshop that I'll be participating in over there.

Over the past few months, I've been working on a grant project intent on developing a new payment strategy/ transaction model for assisting a low-income, Bottom of the Pyramid (BoP) community in purchasing a shared resource, such as water harvesting equipment. To date, I've been advising the research team remotely in their in-field data collection efforts in rural areas of the Philippines and in India. This week and next, the team and myself are meeting in Helsinki, Finland to analyze the data that has been collected and conceptualize a new transaction model for selling shared resources to BoP communities.

I'm expecting the workshop–which is 8 days in length–to be pretty intense, so I will bid you all farewell for now. I likely will be posting periodic updates regarding the workshop's progress on the Sylver blog (just launched last week), so feel free to check it out if interested. Otherwise, I'll reconvene with you all during the week of April 27.

Do you need a marriage checkup?

2009-04-13T11:51:00.003-05:00

Back in November 2008, I wrote about the "Marriage Checkup" program being created by James V. Cordova, Ph.D. His much anticipated book is about to hit bookstores (I believe late this month), so the marketing efforts for the book are in high gear now.

Just today, MSN reprinted a Redbook article that gives a preview into the questions covered in the checkup. Among them are:

Are we curious about each other — and do we express it?
Do we each understand when the other needs advice versus simply needing support?
How's the sex?

If you've answered "not sure" or "no" to questions 1 and 2 and "could be better" to question 3, I'd suggest you read the Redbook article mentioned above. It might give you some ideas on how shake up your relationship and get you and your partner connecting again.

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A big thanks to Lynn for passing along the MSN article!

Things Super-Happy Couples Do Every Day

2009-04-06T09:28:00.004-05:00

"A good marriage is a bit like a pet boa constrictor: either you feed it every day or bad things happen."- Ty Wenger

I found this analogy intriguing and humorous. I hope you do too.

I also found Ty's article in Redbook chock full of good ideas on how to be a happy couple. Basically he shares strategies that he and his wife and others practice to stay involved in one another's lives and connected as individuals. Enjoy!

Can I be trusted to know what's in my best interest?

2009-04-03T10:11:00.004-05:00

Consider yourselves forewarned...this concept is a hard one to grasp, but a good one.

I do not perceive my own best interests. - Marianna Williamson

I'll be honest, I had to listen to Marianne Williamson's March 3 "Miracle Thought for the Day" podcast three times before I truly understood what she was talking about. The concept of me not knowing what might be within my best interest seemed ludicrous, that is until I really got what she was saying.

Paraphrasing, Marianne says that all of what's happened to us in the past affects how we react and respond to the present. When we need to make a decision in the present, we bring all those thoughts and energies from our past to influence the behavior or actions that we deem appropriate to resolve or respond to the current issue(s) garnering our attention. If your past has been all peaches and roses, lucky you...proceed as is. If not, you've got some work to do.

If you have a past that's not so perfect, Marianne says that you need to check your thoughts at the door and enter the situation "empty." By doing this, she says you're admitting that you don't "know" how the story will end and that you're open for the miracles, big and small, that will come into your life, guiding you through that situation.

To those who are religious, they probably read the commentary above and say, "Of course, this is what God does." I'd agree. But I'd also go further to say that this is why it's important to surround yourself with people who've had varied experiences in life, as it's the counsel from all of these people collectively that will challenge you on what you "know" and encourage you to enter situations "empty" and open to the miracle of seeing and reacting to things differently than possibly your past might predict.

Bottom line
We can all overcome the unpleasantness of our past, but have to be open to the concepts of "forgiveness" and "forget."

Wisdom from the pages of "Oprah"

2009-04-01T10:14:00.000-05:00

I was catching up on my magazine reading last night, reading the March 2009 issue of "Oprah," and came across a phrase that I thought to be of "Aha" quality.

"Will my response help create the relationship I want or damage it?" - Peter Walsh

This question relates a lot to a post I wrote a few weeks ago called, "Do you react or respond?" Asking yourself this question above, before reacting to the situation, gives you the permission to pause. Answering this question ensures that you've accounted for the consequence of your reaction. And if inserted into the "heat of the moment," you might find that the dynamics of the interaction, whether it be with your spouse, friend or colleague, will change dramatically, as it forces you to view the relationship as a whole, instead of wading around in the details as any argument promotes.

Happy? Yes/ No

2009-03-30T10:19:00.007-05:00

On my first day of grad school a professor gave the assignment to write a bio. He wanted to be educated about who we were, where we had come from, and what we hoped our new graduate education might enable us to do. In addition, he asked us to share what drove us as individuals.

I took a very "macro" approach to answering the question "what drives you?" My answer was simple: happiness.

This was not the answer the professor was expecting, nor the answer that he felt was appropriate. He didn't quite single me out, but gave "the class" the opportunity to make adjustments to their bios, saying that some were a little too "touchy-feely." To this day, I'm still not sure that I was one of the students that he wanted to alter their bios. Although, I distinctly remember getting that uncomfortable "He's talking to me" feeling as he was addressing the class. So, I thought about rewriting my bio for a day or two, yet eventually decided against it. While I could write about a number of things that "drive" me (that might be more expected within a business context), they still all equal "happiness" when stripped down to their core.

I have weekly "Happiness Check-ins" with myself. A simple question is asked, "Are you happy?" If the answer is "yes," I proceed as is. If the answer is "no," the dissection process begins. And the following questions proceed in rapid succession:

How are you feeling? (i.e. sad, stifled, tired unappreciated, etc.)
Why are you feeling this way?
What needs to change to make you feel happy again?

To some (like the professor in grad school), this "drive" towards happiness may seem a bit too ethereal. Yet, from past experience, I can say that it's these regular "Happiness Check-ins" (plus the guts to instigate change when the answer to the happiness question is "no") that help me ensure I'm leading the life I want to lead.

Now that I'm married, I think these "Happiness Check-ins" are even more important than when I was single. In the years of being with Adriano, I've found that when I'm upset and irritated with him (without necessarily being able to pinpoint why), that 8 times out of 10 my "unhappiness" has nothing to do with him. He, unfortunately, is just the closest person to which I can project my unhappiness, hoping to feel better by doing so. When in reality, my problem is related to something that I'm not doing for myself and my body is screaming, "Enough!"

What makes me "unhappy?" Many things can cause this, but most typically for me, my happiness level goes down when I'm consistently giving my time and energy to other people, without reserving any for myself.

It usually takes me a bit to ponder why specifically I'm not "happy" and then a day or two to start executing a plan to ensure that "happiness" returns. Miraculously, once the plan is in action, my positive energy returns, flowing into everything in my life, from my marriage to the myriad of other relationships and ambitions that I have. And then everything is set and "on track" until the next "happiness" glitch occurs.

Marriage = Work

2009-03-26T15:46:00.002-05:00

Like others, I've been impressed with the Obama marriage. You can tell that they deeply respect and love one another by the way they interact with each other. Reading recent reports in "Oprah" and "People," where Michelle Obama has publicly debunked the theory that they have a "perfect" marriage makes me like them even more as a couple. She acknowledges that her and Barack have a strong marriage, but that they have to work at it.

It's that word "work" that seems to make many people's back go up when associated with marriage. Why, I can't really understand. After all, doesn't nearly everything else in life worth having require work? For instance, if you want a strong career, you need to put the time into paying your dues, creating connections and demonstrating your value. If you want strong friendships, you need to invest time in people, connecting with one another and sharing the joys and frustrations that you have in life. The list of all that we must "work at" to achieve success can go on and on and on. Yet, somehow, the fact that "marriage" requires "work" is something that many people seem to want to turn a blind eye to. They're hesitant to have their romanticized version of marriage (as taught in US culture at least) fall away.

Yet, the reality is that in order to have a strong marriage you have to "work at" it. "Work" in this case shouldn't be considered a negative thing or a particularly frustrating or daunting proposition. For instance, if you feel like you need/ want to pound your head against the wall daily because of your spouse, you have big problems brewing. This is not the definition of "work" that I hope to convey when stating that marriage requires "work."

"Work" in the context of marriage, at least for me, could be described more concretely with words like "focus," "connection," "communication," "support," and "intention." When I keep these "vectors of work" top of mind, I'd say that mine and Adriano's marriage gets as near "perfect" as I could expect. When everything else in life demands our time and these "vectors of work" start to fall by the wayside, distance seeps into our relationship.

To be honest, we're in need of a spruce up. We've both been putting so much time into our "work, work" (i.e. jobs) lately that we've been neglecting a bit the needs of our relationship. I'd say we're still practicing the vectors of "support" and "intention," but "focus," "connection", and "communication" are in desperate need of realignment. I think we've got some homework to do.

How about you? What terms would you use to define "work" as it relates to your marriage?

Tips for nurturing a long-distance marriage

2009-03-24T15:28:00.004-05:00

Sorry I've been a bit MIA these last few weeks. There's been a lot going on. I've been heads down trying to finish some projects and have been traveling quite a bit as well. I spent two weeks in the US at the start of the month. My schedule is always crazy when I'm there.

Tips for surviving a long-distance marriage
While in the US, I came across this article about tips for surviving a long-distance marriage. Being that Adriano and I spend approximately 6 months apart in a given year, the tips provided were highly relevant to he and I. To go further, I'd specifically endorse these few as essential.

Set aside specific times to connect on the phone or through technological advances, such as Webcams or Skype.
Keep communication at a hyper level. It's not crazy to talk five times a day or more to a long-distance spouse.
Have regular "relationship checkups," focusing on how it's going and whether the needs of both spouses are being met.
If possible, set a goal to move back together by a specific date.

Now to further the list...

You need to know when it's not the right time to connect
I'd also add that sometimes you just have to know when it's not the right time to talk or connect...because an unfocused conversation can do more damage than not having one at all. Case in point, one night Adriano called while I was in the US. He was already in bed, half sleeping on the phone. I was still sitting in front of my computer, trying to finish up whatever I had to do for that day. At that point in time, we weren't each other's priority and we both knew it. After a few moments of mediocre conversation, I had suggested we hang up and plan to talk the next night at 7pm. Adriano reluctantly agreed and I felt guilty about not being able to focus on him and "us" at that moment.

So, imagine my delight and surprise when I got the following email from Adriano the next morning.

Hi my love,
These last few days have been so crazy and fast paced that my head is still a bit fuzzy, cannot think very straight. I was thinking this morning, while taking a shower, that you were so right about last night not being the right time to chat over the phone. I think couples sometimes cannot read their partner and their state of mind. It was a great insight for me.

Things here are going well so far. Not too busy and being able to do my stuff. Let's chat a bit later? I could try to call you from work...I found out a way to use a voip system they have in place.

Bjs, Dri

This email made me so happy. I felt that trying to force a conversation that night would have been bad. Too many other things were on our minds, particularly mine as I was anxiously trying to finish my work day at 10pm! Getting the email was validation that we were both on the same page about this, even if we weren't initially. I felt loved, respected and appreciated.

Leverage technology to it's fullest
Pictures help a lot too in feeling close to one another. Nearly all of us have cell phones with cameras embedded into them these days. Sometimes Adriano and I are better at this than others, but when we do focus on talking pictures of what we're doing throughout the day it helps. Not only do we feel more connected, but the photos become excellent probes for conversation later.

Wrap-up
You could say that Adriano and I are becoming "experts" in knowing how to keep our marriage alive across distance. I don't know if it ever really becomes "easier," but the tips offered above (and my adds) can go a long way in minimizing the emotional distance between the two of you while you're apart.

Can Parenting Techniques Work on Adults?

2009-03-15T12:09:00.004-05:00

My friend, Andrea, sent me this charming article, on using parenting techniques to avoid and solve conflict with your spouse. It's a funny read and an interesting approach. It's worth a look.

Do You React or Respond?

2009-03-03T19:30:00.004-06:00

"Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it." - Author John Maxwell

Do you react or respond? This is the question that Marianne Williamson posed in her "Miracle Thought of the Day" podcast. I think this is an interesting question to reflect upon.

When you REACT the results are haphazard as the thought put into your actions is shallow at best. Yet, when you RESPOND you've thought through your response and they way it may be perceived. In essence, you've responsibly assessed the situation and are reacting from an informed position. The end result will always better when your responding versus reacting.

I think this is food for thought for every aspect of our lives. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

How I Define "Love" In My Marriage

2009-02-27T15:43:00.002-06:00

Clint Black's song, "Something That We Do," has always captured what I wanted the role of "love" to be in my marriage (prior to meeting Adriano). And, consequently, what it has become. These few lyrics capture the sentiment for me perfectly.

Love isn't something that we have
It's something that we do
We help to make each other all that we can be
Though we can find our strength and inspiration independently
The way we work together is what sets our love apart
So closely that you can't tell where I end and where you start

"Sacrifice" Has An Expiration Date

2009-02-27T12:13:00.003-06:00

I watched "Revolutionary Road" last weekend. The movie hasn't left me since. It was such a powerful example of what happens when repeatedly your needs as a person aren't met. Initially you fight to be heard, and when you're still not listened to, you emotionally distance yourself and then eventually leave.

The themes of this story have been circling around in my head all week as I start to make connections to statements that I've heard from family and friends over the past few months. I thought I'd take a few moments to share these comments and my commentary on them because as "Revolutionary Road" so dramatically shares, "sacrifice" does in fact have an expiration date. And quite possibly the scariest part of that expiration date is that the actual date is unknown until it has arrived.

Comment #1: Both people in a marriage can't be "up" simultaneously
I think this statement is absolutely false. I definitely believe that both people within a marriage can be "up" at the same time. They can both feel as though they are doing everything that they are intended to do simultaneously. One does not always need to be sacrificing their ambitions and dreams to support that of the other.

That's not to say that at times in your marriage one of you may not make a sacrifice to support the other. Me moving to Brazil to support Adriano and his commitment to the Brazilian government is a perfect example of this. But, this support has an expiration date. I refuse to spend my life feeling as though I'm sacrificing my own ambitions and dreams to simply support his. He understands and respects this. We talk about this. And we're working together to find that time and place again where neither of us feels as though we are "sacrificing."

We had this time in Chicago, when I was starting Sylver Consulting and he was doing his PhD. I know we'll have this time again. But, in order to get there it takes some good, hard listening skills and the gumption to embrace change.

Comment #2: If I'm successful, then she/he will be happy.
News flash...it doesn't work that way. You can be super successful at your work, for instance, but that doesn't translate to happiness for your spouse in the same rewarding manner. They need something to hold onto, something to call their own. Without this personal excitement, any happiness that they feel for what you're doing and accomplishing will at best be kept an arm's length away from their heart and the sentiment that makes a person feel "settled" and "fulfilled."

Yet, ironically, an unhappy spouse can do a ton of damage to the happiness level of the other. So again, I think the moral here is that you need to listen to one another and then follow through on supporting each other in finding that "thing" in life that makes each other feel as though they have a purpose.

So, why does "sacrifice" has an expiration date?
The reality is, we can control no one but ourselves. We can control how we communicate and react to others. But we can't make other people do things that they don't want to do.

If you feel as though you're sacrificing parts of yourself repeatedly (and without proper acknowledgment of this by your spouse), then it's you that has the responsibility to speak up and say something. Your spouse then has the opportunity to listen and react positively to your needs. If they choose not to, then there is little that you can do. More than likely, you'll continue to state your needs. If your needs continue to fall on deaf ears, you'll distance yourself until one day, seemingly spontaneously, you'll say, "I love you, but I love me more." It's this day that you'll finally take things into your own hands and make your own destiny, possibly alone in the world.

Bottom line
A marriage is about two. There isn't room for the "me" mentality to show up on a daily basis. Every decision made has to factor in the impacts of this situation on each of you independently and as a couple. When you fail to do this, that's when problems emerge. When those problems go repeatedly unacknowledged this is when separation seems to be the only answer. So, listen, listen, listen! Talk about your dreams and strategize how you both can align things to support those needs. You'll be happier and more connected as a result, I promise! © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

A Couple Interesting Articles

2009-02-24T07:24:00.003-06:00

I now have readers sending me articles that they feel are worthy of being shared via this blog. Sometimes I create posts around them and other times not. Here are a couple that are worth the read, but ones that I likely won't focus a whole post around. Enjoy!

Ten ways to be happy in marriage
I think the title alone gives a good indicator of what this post is all about.

How emotional distance ruins marriage
A shout out to the High Point/ Low Point game is given here, sighting it as an excellent way to reduce the emotional distance between you and your partner. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Federal Money Being Used To Promote Marriage

2009-02-20T09:14:00.003-06:00

I learned this morning through the Detroit Free Press that federal money is being spent on a public service campaign touting the benefits of getting married, hoping to inspire younger people to take the leap sooner than current trends indicate. There are a few things that rub me the wrong way about this.

1. $5 million of federal money is being spent on this.
Come on...couldn't this money be better spent elsewhere? We're in the midst of a recession trying to keep our heads above water here.

2. Does it really make sense to "push" people into getting married?
I think marriage works best when people decide that they're ready to get married, even if it takes a longer time frame than "normal" to come to that decision.

I liken the decision of when to marry to the decision regarding when to have kids. When Adriano and I first got married, when asked if we wanted kids our response was, "We think so, but aren't sure when." Today our answer is different. "Yes. We plan to start trying next year." We're ready now, we weren't then. We weren't spending a lot of time thinking about it because we weren't ready. Everything comes in due time if it's right.

3. Do we really need to put more social pressure on people to act a certain way?
For every decision that we have in life, someone else has an opinion or judgment regarding whether we've made the right choice. This happens enough amongst our peers and family. Does the government really need to get involved as well? I don't think so.

I actually think young people need to be taught more independent thinking skills. They need to be able to distinguish between what social norms predict they should do next and what they feel the right next decision is for them. Had I gone by the social norm of my hometown, I would have been married at 21, with my first kid at 22. But that's not the path that I wanted for myself. Instead, I got married at 26 and still have no kids. And I have no regrets about the choices that I've made to date. I think by getting married at a slightly later age, I've been able to be a better wife. Likewise, I think I'll be able to be a better mom in my 30s than I probably would have been in my 20s.

4. If the government is going to start endorsing messages regarding marriage, then maybe they should embrace a consistent message.
I find it extremely ironic that the government is spending so much money to encourage marriage amongst heterosexual couples, while simultaneously spending great amounts of energy and money working to prohibit the unions of homosexuals. If the whole point of this public service campaign is to highlight the benefits of marriage (which are "better health, greater wealth and more happiness for the couple" according to research), then why is the message different dependent of whether you're gay or straight? It seems a little hypocritical to me.

Bottom line
I think the government is entering territory that it has no business being in. I think this is an irresponsible use of federal money and the messages that this campaign seeks to deliver are messages that are much more effective when delivered at a local level, like at your community center, church, etc.

Say What You Mean

2009-02-18T12:06:00.002-06:00

It's sort of a no brainer to say that we're not all mind readers. On a theoretical level we all know this...we get it. Yet, in practice, way too often this concept gets lost. We only say or do half of what we mean and hope the other person will make the leap in connecting the dots to know what your true motives or intentions are. It's no wonder that we get lost in communication.

Throughout my years of consulting experience I've learned that vagueness gets you no where. You have to be direct and to the point. I find that this principle, when followed, fairs pretty well in your personal life as well.

Case in point, over the holidays Adriano and I were shopping. I had been given a gift that was a duplicate of something that I already owned, so I wanted to exchange the gift for something different, something I'd actually use. We went to the store, which turned out to be a place so out of line with my general style and personality and then super expensive on top of that. Adriano and I scoured the store trying to find something that I liked or wanted within the price range of the gift that I had to exchange. The best thing we found was a wine corker, which fell about $12 below the money we had to spend.

We couldn't find anything else in the store to purchase that was less than $12 or really anything else in the store that I wanted. So, in the end, I said, "It doesn't matter. I found something I'll use. We'll purchase the wine corker and then turn around to the next person in line. They'll get $12 toward their purchase. It'll make their day and the extra money won't go to waste." Never would I find myself driving specifically out to this store in the Chicago suburbs to shop again.

So, I'm up at the counter, purchasing the wine corker. At this moment, Adriano finds a box of mints that's going for about $3. He pushed three my way saying, "Here, these are $3." I'm thinking that he's just trying to find a way to spend the $12 that we have left on the exchange. And, by now, I'm really digging the idea of being able to make someone else's day. I totally missed the point that he actually wanted the mints and didn't get them.

Well, you can imagine what happened. Adriano was a bit upset with me. I didn't understand why. Finally it comes out that he really wanted the mints and why did I deny him that, etc.

Needless to say, this is a very minor example, but indicative all the same to the confusion that will prevail if you simply don't say what you mean. So the next time you don't "get your way," it might be good practice to reflect on whether you truly communicated what you needed or wanted. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved