Desperately Seeking Serenity

Speaking of courage...

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 23:28:00 +0000

I no longer have to wonder, "Should I get my ears pierced again?' It's done. Now I can focus on the next thing I want to do.

I'd been thinking of doing it for weeks but kept going to the mall and avoiding it. This time I took my friend, Kathy, along. How could I back out if she went to the trouble to go with me? It helped.

Thanks, Kathy, if you read this...

Mowing

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 14:09:00 +0000

I woke up early (5:00) this morning and, to avoid thinking what I was thinking about, went out and worked in the back yard, pulling weeds. And when the neighbor started his mower at 8:00, I followed suit and got half of it mowed within an hour.

And by then I was ready to relax, feeling unafraid of my thoughts because they had moved on into this day. While cooling the "dew" off my body, I looked for this poem that I remembered reading back in the winter when I was wishing for the strength.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

© Mary Oliver. Online Source

I am at peace with me. With keeping company with myself. With mending.

Taking the long way home

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 04:01:00 +0000

You know how you drive around the block sometimes just to hear a song one more time? This is the one I can't stop listening to this week from the Alison Krauss - Robert Plant duet CD.

It makes me cry. The music, the words, the harmony, all are beautiful enough to bring tears to my eyes.

But there's something in there that speaks to this point in my life, a hidden message almost because I had to read the lyrics to get it, about the sadness of losing yourself in love.

And, somehow, it makes me recognize that even when it seems that you're the one who's ended a relationship, if you look closely you can see that you were asked to do so long ago by behaviors that you'd defined as unacceptable.

It has taken me a long time to get there, to find my way. Now that I have, it's a good thing but still there's a sadness that remains. And so I listen to the music and let it do its healing. I hope you like it, too.

Enjoying these days

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 22:03:00 +0000

Isn't that a beautiful photo? My thanks to Diana, at Welcome to My World, for taking the pic while in St. Louis a couple weeks ago.

The sky is just as blue today. I managed to mow half my lawn before heading inside to cooler air. I also enjoyed getting a facial this morning, a bit of pampering at the end of a hectic week.

Although hectic and emotional, it's been a good week. There's something powerful about listening to my own words and acting upon them that's energized me. I've gotten so much done this week. Time now for a nap before supper.

I'm just starting a book by an author I've not read before, The Eight, by Katherine Neville. Thanks to Onedia for the tip.

I am about...

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 00:18:00 +0000

Sherry's posting on what she is about has inspired me to do the same. The instructions are to list what you are about without stopping to think about it.

So, I am about...

Saying goodbye, starting fresh
Cleaning out clutter
Finding old friends
Letting go of dreams that can never be
Walking, getting healthier
Doing tasks before they're due
Crossing things off my list
Feeling what I feel, just feeling, not acting on it
Cleaning the yard, trimming edges
Accepting that I won't always be on this earth
Getting manicured, pedicured
Finding sandals
Passing some skills along to others
Diet coke, chocolate, ice cream
Movies, books, and tv
Finding peace in solitude
Iris that smell like lilacs
Black doggies with white paws
Memories
Smiling at strangers
Wondering if I'll fall in love one more time
Vanilla, cinnamon, nutmeg
Having friends over for supper
Asking how are you and waiting for the answer
Playing piano again (as soon as I get one)
Saying prayers, just in case

So, what are you about? Let me know if you post a similar list so that I can check it out!

This and that

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 13:18:00 +0000

Yesterday was a really good day.

My friend Kathy and I went on a walking "Live in the city" tour of loft condos that have been developed in St. Louis. Neither one of us is in the market for a condo but we enjoy looking at houses and seeing how they're decorated.

We walked from 2:00-5:30 and I was exhausted at the end of it. But full of ideas for redecorating and stripping down my stuff. There's something really nice about no clutter, the kind of clean you have when people open their homes to the public.

If I hadn't forgotten to take my camera, I'd be showing you St. Louis from the 11th floor of an old warehouse. The penthouse condo, selling for around $400,000, had a terrace where you could see for miles beyond the Arch. I'll start saving my pennies and one day, maybe...

I've been thinking about whether to replace my carpet with new carpet or with hardwood. Condos in the old Merchandise Mart building all had wood floors with original wood from the early 1900s. Beautiful. Condos in the warehouses had a mix of concrete floors and new wood flooring. So I'm thinking wood-like flooring today. Tomorrow I may change my mind. But with two doggies in the house, wood would be easier to keep super clean.

Another fun thing was breaking in my new (to me) replacement car that I picked up on Friday. I found a 2006 Toyota Highlander with 37,000 miles on it and got a great deal. It's silver outside, gray inside. Someone traded it in when their lease was up. Perfect. A silver lining.

Fortunately, even though money has been tight in recent years, I didn't cut any corners on auto insurance! In that same vein, I took the opportunity to buy an extended warranty so now I'm worry free for another 50,000 miles.

Reminds me of an email I got this week from someone at work with a signature motto of "Free your mind of worry." My first thought was, "yeah, right," but am thinking it's possible to do that if you prepare. Take steps.

__________
P.S.
I just saw this great quote by Elaine St. John over at Sherry's Everyday Possibilities:

Maintaining a complicated life is a great way to avoid changing it.

Isn't that perfect?

Remembering

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 23:52:00 +0000

With the anniversary of D-Day, I'm reminded of my dad who served in World War II. Although he served in the Pacific, he always reminded us that Hitler was the reason he went to war.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Watching Obama talk here about the importance of remembering, of not denying historical truths, reminds me of the Holocaust survivor who spoke at an event with Spielberg. She wished for everyone the blessing of "a boring evening at home." I'm guessing that I can't comprehend how fortunate I am.

Making progress

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 01:15:00 +0000

Thanks to each of you who posted comments in the last couple of weeks. I really appreciate your thoughts and encouragement.

I'm reminded of a former traffic reporter here in St. Louis who has talked about how difficult it was to be up in a helicopter where he could see accidents about to happen. That must be how some of you felt listening to me struggle with the issue of doing what's right. So I appreciate that you didn't laugh at me!

Anyway, after a short detour (in which I listened to his pleading to allow him to come from the hospital to my house for a couple of weeks so that we could make a clean break and remain friends...only to discover after a couple days that the real reason he wanted back was to have access to his stash of vodka hidden in various camping containers in the garage), he is now residing with his mother, as of yesterday.

Nearly all of his stuff is gone. Just some heavy tools and furniture remain to be moved once he determines where he'll finally live (after rehab and whatever may lie in his immediate future in regard to the DWI charge).

Nearly all of my angst is gone. Serenity? Well, I've discovered it can be found in saying what you need in a rather loud, insistent, perhaps quite rude, voice. I reached a point where I cared less about being nice and more about finding respect for my words.

When I said I was tired of having a non-recovering alcoholic in my life, I meant it. Coming home tonight from work was so exciting, knowing the evening was mine. And there would be no drunk person passed out on the couch. No one mumbling words that made no sense, no one insisting that sensible words had been spoken. This is progress.

Tomorrow: maintenance of the positive steps I've learned.

Again, thanks so much for sharing your kind thoughts. xox

Getting out

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Sat, 23 May 2009 18:35:00 +0000

Did I mention I have a 4-day weekend?

Today: Yard work.

I hope you have a lovely day!

Progress through a quandry

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Fri, 22 May 2009 11:48:00 +0000

It was in November that I realized that "The thing I need to do is not live with a non-recovering alcoholic" and then I proceeded to go quiet and did nothing. You know, the holidays coming up and what if.

But in my attempt to totally distract myself, I did manage to start walking and started getting healthier. And I started getting the Guy (formerly My Guy) to go to the doctor and focus on getting himself healthier. We both got slightly stronger, mentally, so that when he learned he'd get some money in June, not a lot but enough, through an inheritance, we mutually agreed, very calmly and quietly, that he would move out.

Somehow knowing this made us more polite with each other, more appreciative. And on Sunday we managed to work together quite well, cleaning up the yard, pruning bushes. Managed to fill up the bed of his truck to overflowing with branches by the end of the day.

But then we remembered that he had a doctor's appointment Monday morning, so I offered him the use of my car so he wouldn't have to unload the truck. And he took it and got some vodka and totalled my car in the process of hitting two other drivers. Landed in the hospital. The other two drivers are going to press charges because he was obviously intoxicated on the way to crashing into them.

God is good, or fate is, because the other two drivers walked away. My Guy ended up in the hospital with what he said was a displaced hip joint. I was furious at myself because it became crystal clear that all of the power he used to hit those people came from me. My car, my gas, my permission, my failure to get him out of my life. So instead of going to visit him, I talked to him, once he got sober, on the phone and told him that it was over, that I'd keep his stuff safe until he could move it out, but that he wasn't coming back into my house. He wasn't surprised and seemed grateful that I wasn't angrier than I'd expressed.

I felt nothing but relief beyond anger at myself and, ok, at him. Rage, actually.

Then, and this is where it gets interesting, his mom tells me that instead of having surgery to reset his hip joint, he actually had joint replacement surgery requiring recouperation and she's 75 so obviously can't care for him. Plus, she reminds me, she has told him he cannot ever live with her again. She will pay for a recovery program but won't allow him in her house. I remind her that I've told him the same thing, treatment yes, my life, no. And I try really hard not to hear her next words, "but he has no one else" because she said that the last time I moved him out of my house and I took him back in. But her words manage to settle themselves on me. And I tell her that in the back of my mind there's the sprout of a notion that my delaying action makes me responsible.

Last night, I struggled with what is the right thing to do, technically, in terms of getting a non-recovering alcoholic to see that recovery is the only solution...and what is the ethical thing to do. What am I liable for in a spiritual sense. What is the choice that I can live with.

I guess I'm stronger than before because I began to search for gray areas before I went to bed last night. Looking for alternatives other than my house or his mom's house. A place where he could stay to heal before going into a treatment center. Or support for getting him to and from outpatient physical therapy if there is no other place than my house. Or his mom's house. Perhaps if she had support, she'd change her mind. But why should she any more than I? Well, she is his mother. And, I am...what am I. I guess I'm a person who still cares about this guy in some basic sense other than love. Or love in the sense of caring for a vulnerable, at risk, person. Or just the person who loaned her car to an alcoholic and gave him the money he used to buy the vodka. Yes, that's me.

And I'm also a person who slides so easily backward, into the rut. You can read it all mixed up in what I just wrote. I want so much to be a frickin' nice person. Well, perhaps I'm not so nice after all. Because I want my life back. And I feel if I take him back inside these walls, he will still be here in another ten years. Because he'll be nice or stunt his recovery, something, and he'll stick. What I should do is take care of the gift that was given me, somehow, in this mess: he is at this moment out of my house. Thank God. (And, yes, that means I am not a nice person. Ok so there are worse things, yes?)

So, self, let us focus: How to keep him out of my house while still doing what is right. A fine line to walk, but if I can make my way down it, I will have made progress. "If" being the operative word. :)

Fun times. But it is a sunny, beautiful, spring day. And no one lost their lives over this. Thank God. Yes. Thank you, God.

Taking steps

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Sat, 16 May 2009 18:36:00 +0000

I'm catching my breath after taking 2,924 steps (round trip) to Weight Watchers. Only 7,076 to go for today. Geez, might hafta go shopping.

Wanted to share the one iris left after the rain. Beautiful.

And if you have a few minutes, check out Jamie Pugh. There's something about watching a person come into their own, finally take the step. Makes me want to just do it. Let go of the fear of whatever...

Let's do that, shall we? :)

TGIF

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Fri, 08 May 2009 02:24:00 +0000

So I'm walking to my car after work and my friend says, "Yeaaaa, tomorrow's Friday" and my first thought was how sad that Fridays come by so fast. I wanted to tell her that I've come to appreciate Thursdays. Mondays, even. But I didn't want to spoil her celebration.

Saturday will be nice, too. Am going to clean the yard, get ready for mulching. Then I'll be all better.

Thanks so much for stopping by. Missed you.

Spring

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Tue, 05 May 2009 02:18:00 +0000

This is the dogwood beneath the oaks in my front yard.

This weekend was the first one without rain since the blossoms popped out so I took advantage of the photo opportunity.

I've been walking more. I learned my usual walk of 2,500 steps in 45 minutes, every other day, was nearly enough to maintain current weight. Not exactly my goal.

So now I'm trying to work up to 7,000-10,000 steps a day. It's a challenge to find the time and get myself out there. I've also learned that the concept of "maintenance" isn't to maintain loss of weight once that's achieved. It's the idea of maintaining the good practice that you learned the day or week before, keeping it up until it becomes a habit.

I've also learned that "stopping the blogging" doesn't necessarily mean a person will solve all of her other issues just because she's not on the 'puter. It does, however, mean she will miss her friends and the opportunity to use her voice.

Talk to you later...

Changing

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 20:08:00 +0000

I'm thinking this may be a good time for ending this blog or at least taking a leave.

Have you ever watched "Six Degrees of Separation" with Stockard Channing, Will Smith, and Donald Sutherland? Made back in 1999 or 2000, I think, but I didn't see it until today.

There's a scene where Will Smith, in pretending to be someone he isn't, is talking about Catcher in the Rye, about how we put blindfolds on ourselves rather than deal with ourselves. That reminded me of how I avoid looking at photos of myself so that I won't see the weight, as if that means it's not on my bones.

And I started thinking that while I've been facing certain truths on these pages, I've also been keeping busy avoiding dealing with myself. At one point, I started using my real name here with the feeling that doing so made me more authentic. But in actuality, I became more careful. I write here rather than journal. Blindfolds.

I may have mentioned earlier that I sent a Christmas card to a friend that used to be a close friend. And she responded with an invitation to lunch. So last Saturday, week ago, I went to her house and we talked about everything that had happened since we last had lunch together. Was nice. But awkward. It would have been easier to have written a posting and sent her the URL.

So I need to leave my comfort zone. If I don't post for awhile, not to worry. It means I'm busy getting comfortable out there. Finding myself. But I'll stop by your place from time to time to see how you're doing.

xoxo

January 20, 2009

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 02:18:00 +0000

This has been such a great day.

Thank God it finally arrived.

Now is good

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 16:05:00 +0000

Looks like it's going to snow here but it's too warm so the air is full of gray mist. But as I look out the window, I'm reminded that the hibiscus will be blooming there outside my window in a few months. This thought leads to another. How much I love the seasons, the changing from one to another. How each one has its purpose.

Spring will come soon in all its glory calling me to put down the mulch and putter in the soil. But winter. Is for hibernating.

So. Am I going to clean out yet another closet? Paint yet another room? Make another list of things to do, to change, to strive toward? No. I'm going to crawl back into bed. Read the latest Patterson book. Snuggle for awhile. Be happy in this day. This hour.

Rest.

Happy Friday!

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 16:59:00 +0000

I'm enjoying a simple Friday, on vacation, free of the need to do anything in particular.

We're doing a little redecorating. I moved back to the master bedroom, my fav room in the house. I moved all my stuff in, cleaning junk and old clothes out in the process. Put some scented tealights in the drawers. When you walk in the room now, you smell apples and spices. Out browsing in an antique shop, I came across a perfect little provincial-style dressing table for a nook that's been bare for awhile. So it's all coming together.

I'm learning that it helps to speak up, to ask directly for what you want, starting with what's possible right now. Even when you're asking someone to make a compromise, I'm finding that being direct is much better than hoping one's mind will be read. Dan's painting the room I've vacated and seems to be energized by the switch in rooms, as well. There's still the longer-term issue to be resolved, but for now, this is a major improvement. I feel at home again.

It's great being on vacation. Today, I'm going to clean up year-end financial records, shred the oldest records, and then go shopping. Gotta be patriotic and get some money into the economy. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Oh, and I'm going to take some photos, become reacquainted with my camera.

We had one unexpected little guest yesterday and by the time I figured out how to work the camera, there was only time for one good shot before he woke up and ran off.

I hope you have a lovely day.

Trees

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 05:39:00 +0000

A friend sent me this photo of a trio of trees lit up against a backdrop of firs (location unknown).

Private thoughts

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 12:17:00 +0000

This one's just for me, most likely, because my mind's all a jumble.

Last night I dreamed of Boston and it reminded me of me. The person I used to be. Vivacious. Woke up remembering the gold dress I made and wore to the fund-raising dinner. The guy from our table at dinner who stopped by the museum the next day to talk to me and how I didn't respond then because I was married. All the nice men after my divorce who found me attractive and how I ran because I was still married in my soul. There is something about being married to an ivy league grad who decides he needs to find a woman with a family on the East coast to really make it big in life. Something about being discarded like that after working him through college, even editing his papers so that he can pass instead of fail, that has never quite gotten out of my bones. I was running at 21 and I am still running at 58.

And the other day. There I was in a conf call taking notes about starting a national health plan for the org. The other woman on the call is to manage the change process although she says she knows nothing about medical plans. And there was I, the former vp of blue cross of mo who managed change processes. Taking notes. What is wrong with this picture? Granted, I'm really good at taking notes and writing reports, but even my boss recognized that was not right given my present position.

Thing is when I left blue cross I was a size 8 and now I'm a size xx. Leaving my vp job was the beginning of punishing myself for what I did to my mom. The nursing home where she died. I should have left the job that led to being vp, I should have lived with her, taken care of her. I know this. Well, I have to forgive myself. She has already. She did before she died. Now I must forgive me. I can't bury myself in fat, or shouldn't. But this is why I never talk about the vp that I was and still am in a weird way. I just say I was in marketing at blue cross. How to explain why I laid that job down and walked away from myself.

As I lay in bed thinking about my dream(s), I was listening to my guy snoring at the other end of the house. Me in the guest bedroom, he in the large master suite, the room that was the reason for my buying a 4-bedroom house in the first place. And I haven't slept in it for three years. What is wrong with this picture? It goes back to the dream. Running, still. Yes, I am. It's why I hooked up with this guy. But there's also a reason he hooked up with me. From what is he running? We're an odd match. He says there's no way he'd be with me if I were still a vp and I demur because even then I was still running. But he's making a point about the differences between us. And what I see is that now I'm the same as he is. Broken down, not using half of the power that is inside. I'm not using alchohol but I'm using past suffering to hide from reality. I stir it up, drink it down, each and every day.

So on my vacation, I'm going to start working out. Act as if. I know that I can find myself. I have found my voice. Now I need to find my body. Breathe in and out and let it all go. Just let it all go. And emerge.

Emerge. My new motto.

_______
I wasn't going to post this but have decided to. It's like Karen said the other day. This is me keeping myself honest.

I've been a bad blogger...

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 11:54:00 +0000

...but I do have a few good excuses:

I've been to St. Paul, Minnesota and back for a work meeting. The only thing interesting enough to report on is that I met a nice woman (hi, Bonnie!) from British Columbia on the flight back. She has her own travel agency and I think would enjoy being a blogger, but we'll have to wait and see if she agrees.

I'm planning to be off work from 12/18 until 12/26 so am working extra long hours to make sure I don't have to work at home while I'm on vacation.

My 'puter died due to a virus. I think I got it by clicking on an email in the spam folder. Several of my blogger friends' emails end up there so I got lazy and started opening emails in the spam folder instead of putting the friends' email addresses in my address book. Live and learn. The virus caused Internet Explorer to open new pages as soon as I opened one, so that I'd have maybe 500 pages open within a couple minutes. After trying to clean it up, we finally gave up and re-installed everything. Yuckies. I mention this only to alert you that if IE starts opening new windows on you, don't worry, it gets worse. :)

I rearranged furniture in the living room to make room for a Christmas tree, and, in the process, discovered that I really like my house. Changing the interior landscape a bit is refreshing!

I've been spending most of my free time keeping up on Barack Obama's transition because reading about his process and his thinking fills me with hope. Oh and that reminds me. While riding the little bus from the parking garage to the airport, I was chatting with the driver (being the only passenger). He asked me what I do for a living and if I like my job. I told him what I do and said in these times even if I didn't like it, I would appreciate it. And he said that he'd lost three jobs in two years. Then I offered the opinion that things will be better with Obama. And he started talking about how much he loves Obama, why he and his wife voted for him, and how much hope his wife has that things will turn around now. So I got off the bus, he handed me my one piece of luggage and gave me a big hug. Was a nice little bonding moment at the airport between two strangers who love Obama.

But mostly, I've been resting my psyche. After having a breakthrough, I was wiped out. Your encouragement, in the comments below, meant so much to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you! But I also found that the next thing that happens after a breakthrough is fear and trepidation arrives. So I waited that out rather than validating it by putting any of it in writing. My goal is still to not live with a non-recovering alcoholic. This may mean I will live alone. Or it may mean my guy goes into recovery. I have hope for a positive outcome for each of us, either way it goes. But go it will. Must. Of this I am convinced.

Tonight, I hope to have a Christmas tree up and decorated. Photos to follow...

Have a great Friday! And again, to those of you who have offered encouragement, thanks so much for being a friend.

It may not be spring but

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 14:29:00 +0000

I have a sense of renewal.

It all started with the election. The feeling that my vote counted and my $40 or $43 counted. It's laughable, the amount is so small, but I sent Obama a few dollars every once in awhile when the other side did something really negative. I was trying to send him a message that I wasn't listening to garbage.

The thing is that I ended up sending a message to myself that what I think matters. What I say matters. That I'm not helpless, I can use my voice and use what power I do have, however limited it may be by the actual size of it and by the fact that I can't control the outcome. One vote is just one vote. But the fact that there are other voices does not mean that I have none. One is one. I am one.

And so a little over a week ago I took all the co-dependency recovery books, gathered them all up, and dumped them in the trash. I am not an alcoholic. I do not need to be in recovery. The thing I need to do is not live with a non-recovering alcoholic.

So. Those bare branches that you see? They are bare because the new leaf growth has already begun. Now where's my frickin' rake.

Here's what I think

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 07:54:00 +0000

We've got a great country.

We're not going to lose it after all.

The good times

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 17:41:00 +0000

I've just been blog walking, checking in on Sherry and Deena. Both are strong and courageous women who have taught me so many things:

Appreciate the joys in each day
Be aware of the importance of "time" as it relates to health
You can handle things you never thought you could if you take one step at a time
Cancer may be tough but it is nothing next to the creative spirit

You may be wondering why I'm focusing on them today. Part of it is that I received things in the mail from each of them yesterday. Some beautiful Christmas cards I ordered from Sherry's shops along with a lovely thank you card, and a bunch of hollyhock seeds from Deena's garden.

I'll hang Sherry's cards in my office at work during the Christmas season. And I'll plant Deena's seeds in the spring and replant seeds each year after that (based on the instructions Deena sent along) as a reminder of what's important in life. When it's time, I'll take photos of each and post them.

The other reason for focusing on these women is to simply remember that there is much goodness in the world. The stock market may go up and down, the "Ws" of the world can do their damage, a cranky politician can pay for the right to spread negativity via the public airwaves. And still. There is goodness. There is Sherry. And Deena. And Bella, a woman that I miss who has moved on to another, super busy, chapter in her life. And there are so many other good, kind, caring people alive during this time on this planet.

And because of this community, we are able to know these good people. That's what I like about living now. I used to wish I'd lived during the pioneer days, so that I could have ridden over the mountains in a covered wagon, fed my dozen kids from a black pot over a fire. But if I'd lived then I wouldn't be here now (umm, well, I'm starting to wonder about that but that's another posting). Point is, only in this time can we meet good people from all parts of the world, actually get to know them, and yet never leave home. I like that.

What do you like about the time in which we live?

Loving this fall weather

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 12:28:00 +0000

Is it just me or does fall weather invigorate?

I've started* walking to prepare for a 5k walk on November 22 or 23 and I've completed a round of doctor visits (mammo and well woman check). So I'm feeling like my late summer slump is ending.

I'm also starting to count down to the election. Two weeks from today we should have the results. (Please God, no chad.) I cannot wait to find out but, of course, will wait since there's no alternative.

This morning I got into work early and cleaned off my desk!! Cleaned off the folders and papers and sticky notes so that now I can see the wood simulating.

My plan for after work is to stop by the hardware store and get some mums to put in my bare flower bed. I want to be the type of gardener that has constant blooms from early spring through hard frost. One day, maybe.

Anyway. I hope you have a great day!

_____
*Ok, in my mind, I've started. I intended to start a month ago but managed to find other things to do. Then I went to my ob-gyn yesterday and weighed in. Yuckies. So tonight I will. Start. Walking. If I start tonight working on the schedule (you can find it here if you're interested), I'll be exactly on target to walk 5k on 11/23. Oh, and there's a half marathon in April, so...I have a goal. Goals are good, yes? Thing is, I actually enjoy walking once I get my footsies out there. So. Tomorrow, I'll let you know. Not that you're holding your breath, but I need to report in.

xox

Just thinking

moanna1534@yahoo.com (Mary Ann) — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 17:25:00 +0000

I keep thinking about last night's debate. Am going to lay these questions down so I can focus on other things:

Who thought it would be a good idea for McCain to criticize Obama's running mate's foreign relations positions when comparing the VPs on readiness to be Prez?
In what sense is calling McCain "erratic" equal in negativity with saying Obama's a "terrorist?"
Ok, being picky here, but how cool is it that Obama never reacted when McCain said Palin was a "bresh of freth air."
And the health of the mother, the concern for that, is extreme?
Since when is it a bad thing to be eloquent?

Ok, there now. I feel better.

I was also sitting at my desk this morning, thinking about how tired I felt, and it suddenly occurred to me to take tomorrow off! Wow, what an idea. My plan is to sleep in, do some painting, dig up my bulbs before the hard frost, enjoy the fall week-end.

Here's to tomorrow! And today...